Went to bed at around 6 PM yesterday, so if there was any shit from next door in the evening, I don’t know about it. Tom, though, who was asleep when I got up a couple of hours ago, would’ve left a message if anything major had gone on.

I think the phone call and the extreme quietness yesterday, with not so much as a car door slam, tells me that the city got on their ass for me, thank God, and that there shouldn’t be a problem for the remainder of our time here. At least, not the kind of problem I dealt with last weekend. This is what I vibe and what my logic tells me, along with the telltale sign that phone call brought. Easter could still be somewhat of a problem, but every now and then the freeloaders surprise me, so I can’t know for sure. I mean, Easter of ‘96 and ‘97 was quiet, but Easter of ‘98 certainly was not, so we’ll see whether or not they even the score this year. I’ll be evening something of my own if they do!

Another thing that’d be nice to have, but it certainly wouldn’t be the end of the world if we didn’t, would be a linen closet in the bathroom. One big enough for at least towels. I hardly use washcloths, cuz I don’t wear makeup regularly anymore (lazy me) and cuz I have my pink puff, but every now and then after I step out of the shower, I wish I had a washcloth, and I have to freeze my ass off going out in the hall to get one and opening the bathroom door much sooner than I’d like to.

I’d also like to get 2-3 more little baskets since it’d be nice to have one in each room and since we’ll probably have more rooms when we move.

Later...

Tom got up a little while ago and said that all he heard from next door was a car that came in without music just after sundown. It was a silver car like Bill’s, but a different make. He didn’t know if she was being dropped off or picked up. I have a feeling that another reason it could’ve been so quiet over there yesterday without any door slams is cuz she could’ve been out all day. I’ll bet it dropped her off and that it wasn’t just a visitor coming to see her. Usually, if she’s there all day, a slew of cars come and go all day. Or at least a couple of times.

There’s a chance, which I’m hoping will be the case, that she may not want to spend much time around here on weekends. Spending too much time just a few feet away from me may be too much for her to take, and she may want to go somewhere where she and her sick friends can be their loud, rude, obnoxious, inconsiderate, selfish selves.

I deleted the journal cover pictures I had put in, cuz they just took up too damn much space on floppy disk backups.

Later...

The so-called religious bitch next door ought to be all dressed up and ready to go within the next half hour or so.

Later...

All’s been quiet so far next door. Guess the bitch didn’t even go to church.

Tom’s napping now and he told me to get him up at 4:30.

Here’s how well I know this man and how I know he’s full of shit when he always used to tell me that he’s horny all the time. I told him it was up to him whether or not we had sex today. Of course, I’d prefer not to, and I’ll bet you anything he’ll make excuses to get out of it. Or he’ll offer just to go down on me. Or maybe he will start to have sex but will get some bogus pain before he can go on top or some kind of problem. Whatever we do, he certainly won’t go up top and even more certainly, he won’t cum. No, this isn’t a complaint. Merely an observation and the writer in me. What he does is fine. It’s when he says one thing and does another that bothers me.

Later...

Here’s the white car. The one with the thick black trim. Good. It seems that the one with the trunk rack brings more trouble than this one ever did. And brings the ballplayers, too. It doesn’t look like this peaceful Sunday is gonna be ruined by thumping balls, though, cuz this car is parked way too close to the hoop for that. All I heard was one car door and that’s all I’ve seen/heard so far. Apparently, there was just one person who came over and they went directly into the house. I’ll bet they’re trying to call me right now, but of course, they wouldn’t have the guts to call and let their number show up, and they certainly wouldn’t have the guts at this point to come to my door. That’d be a very very stupid thing to do. One of the biggest mistakes they could ever make. I kind of wish they would, though. Just give me a reason, you freeloaders! I’m surprised they haven’t come out of the house to talk - or yell, I should say - out in front for a while.

Later...

The white car just left with two adults in it. Again, I only heard one car door, and the person in the passenger seat didn’t look like the bitch, so maybe two people came over, but only one shut their door loud enough to be heard.

You know, a part of me regrets activating the anonymous call reject. Maybe it would’ve been fun talking to them. Then again, are they worth it? Nah. Let them be frustrated with unsuccessfully trying to get through to me.

Later...

Unfuckingbelievable! I think I’m feeling the faint beginnings of another UT infection. Is this my compensation for the fact that my lungs are better?

I started to pray to God to take it away, then caught myself and told myself, don’t bother. You’ve asked him for help with this before and all he’s done is ignore you, so forget it. You’re on your own. In fact, I’ve really had it with God and I’m just about done with him. And I mention how Andy constantly talks about God! On so many pages of my journals, there are references to God. Well, I don’t want to sound like one of those religious fanatics, and I’m tired of trying to justify his actions in my mind to try to ease my fears about God and his true intentions which aren’t good for most people. Most people are just too blind to see it, though. They don’t want to believe that God is mostly bad and not good. And if he is mostly good, then there’s a devil out there that’s more powerful than he is. You can call it a God, you can call it a devil, the point’s the same - there’s something up there and it’s a negative force. Yes, something up there blessed me with Tom and with all kinds of things, but I can still never forgive God, or whatever, for not allowing me the right to say yes or no to having a child. It’s my life and my body and I’ll always resent not having much say in what I do with it. Even if I understand that God did right by not allowing me a child, and even if I don’t want that anymore, it was still cruel and wrong of him, or whatever, to take away my choice as a woman. As a human being. He took away my right as a person. Perhaps this is why I feel driven to lose weight. Not just because of how Dureen taunted me about it as a kid, and not just because I feel I’d look better, but because it’s a form of body control I do have. I can be the one to decide whether or not I’m thin or fat. Perhaps I really take advantage of what little free will he gives me. I tried to myself, God’s blessed you with so many other things, even if he did take away your full bag of rights as a woman, so you’re being selfish by having any ill feelings towards him for that and for your childhood.

Well, sorry God. No matter how much you’ve blessed me, the pain and punishment you’ve inflicted upon me for reasons I can only guess, are bad enough. That’s just like when people would say I should still love and respect my mother even though she’s shit on me left and right. I don’t think so! A line has to be drawn somewhere. I mean, should a woman continue to love and respect her husband if he starts beating on her? Well, I appreciate the good God’s done me in the past, but he’s mostly done me wrong and bad, and for that, I can’t just accept that with the good and simply be OK with God.

Lastly, what kind of good God inflicts so much pain and suffering in this world? That keeps people from having love? That allows murder and other violence?

Later...

Paula read my mind. I just told her in the letter I typed her that I’ll be calling her within a few days (when the kid is in school). But she just called and beat me to it. We talked about the usual till her cordless phone started going on a static fit and she threatened to knock the shit out of Justin for playing with the phone and acting stupid when given orders. She said she’d call back.

You know, she’s breeding the classic serial killer. This is the classic way to come up with one of those - the father that doesn’t give a shit, the abusive mother. I can guarantee you anything that if this kid doesn’t grow up to kill, he’ll at least rape and beat. Along with being a drunk, a druggie, a thief, etc. He’s gonna hate women. I don’t see how this kid wouldn’t hate them with a passion with the way Paula treats him. What if this thing ends up stronger and tougher than her? Maybe she’ll be in danger and not just other young ladies he may date or pick up wherever.

When you constantly threaten and slap a kid around as they’re growing up, and when you constantly play with their heads and verbally and emotionally abuse them, you’re gonna almost always end up with an aggressive person on your hands. I should know.