I still worry that after all the work we put into this place we’ll end up losing it someday. What happened a few years ago really fucked with my head and did a number on it to the point that I now see things differently than I used to. I worry about the things I never gave a second thought to in the past. But just like with other stressful, scary, and traumatic experiences, I’m determined not to let it stop me from living my life. If I see something I really like or need and I have the money for it, I get it. And you know that bit about things happening for a reason and some higher power planning our fate and destinies? Well, screw that shit, too. It’s my life and I will decide my future. I can’t stop a meteorite from hitting the planet or make my thyroid come back to life, but I’m definitely going to be taking the driver’s seat of my life whenever possible. It’s not going to be up to “fate,” “destiny,” “God,” or any vindictive assholes that think I’ve crossed them, thus giving them the right to get me back for it, if they’re not just plain crazy. 

Meanwhile, with acceptance comes new activewear, yay! We grabbed a breakfast platter at Jack-n-the-Box, then went to Target. The other day I said to myself, face it, girl, your rolls aren’t going anywhere. They’re yours for life no matter how hard you diet or bust your ass working out. 

I actually almost quit working out altogether, but I really don’t want to fall out of shape either. I want to be ready for anything physical that comes my way, like all the activity when we vacationed in Hawaii. That would’ve left me unable to walk the next day had I not been in shape, and well, I don’t want the joint pain back and I don’t want to get all out of breath just from cleaning the house. Lastly, if I quit working out I’ll gain a few pounds a month instead of a few a year. I don’t want that either. 

So I got two tank tops, one in neon yellow and the other in hot pink. Tom likes the neon yellow cuz he knows drivers will see me better in it. I also got long pants and these shorts with a skirt over it sort of like what the tennis players wear. They’re all a size L with the skirt/shorts being an XL, and yes, they’re a bit loose around the waist, but they have a drawstring that snugs them up. I just don’t like tight clothes. They are snug elsewhere, though, since I have a fat ass and full hips, haha. 

Gotta get new running sneakers one of these days, too. I have enough T-shirts and sweatshirts that are suitable for the cooler months. I wasn’t lacking in tanks, but thought the two I got were too cool-looking to pass up. The pants will last longer than my baggy old sweats and shorts will. These pants are snug, almost like tights, so that’s why they’re great for running. The material doesn’t rub together as much this way when your legs are scissoring back and forth. The pants are dark charcoal gray – almost black – and the skirt/shorts are black with deep purple. 

The tanks are slightly loose in the chest near the armpits but fit snugly across my midsection. 

I’ll write about what else I got later. For now, I need to start cleaning and putting this place back in order now that the new and wonderful carpet is installed – finally! 

Later… 

Finally decided what I want to do as far as mentions of Molly in my blogs. I’m not letting anything be public from this year on. Again, that’s what she’s looking for and what she wants. No sense in sweating over deleting old stuff since she’s already seen it, but I’m not going to let her see that it annoys me to see she’s still coming around. That’ll make her pay more attention to me, not less. It isn’t just a mention of herself she’s looking for, but any word on Alison as well. 

Speaking of Alison, why do I get the feeling this lack of contact goes beyond all her problems? Really, if she doesn’t want to be friends, why doesn’t she just say so. I already gave her my word that I wouldn’t say anything negative about her in my blog. Really hope she’s not friends again with Molly or Kim and only sticking around to fill them in on what’s up with me. 

Got some cleaning done and am still loving this carpet. As cruel as it may sound to outsiders who don’t know the situation, my parents need to come back to life and let me kill them once a year or so to keep the payments coming. Really, they’ve been much more helpful to me dead than alive. 

The only negative thing about this carpet is that it’s very coarse to the touch and it’s hard to roll my chair over it. We looked for one of those plastic sheets you put under office chairs when we were in Target but didn’t find any. 

The floor was structurally sound, in case I forgot to say, and the workers said most of the nail strips were in good condition. They only had to replace one tiny section that had gotten wet and rotted out. 

We did get me a new smartphone like his that was on sale for $50. It’s a lot nicer than that old cell I was using. I’m sure I’ll use it more for playing music and fitness apps when out running than I will for calling anyone. 

I also got a cute doll for just $18 that’s regularly $40. At first glance, I thought it was an American Girl doll which I was surprised to see priced so low, even on sale. On sale, you’re lucky to find one of those for under $60. I think it’s a knock-off (Our Generation) that makes lookalike dolls, though the molds are amazingly similar when I compared “Holly” to pics of AG dolls online. Anyway, Holly’s not very realistic, but she is cute. She’s a green-eyed vinyl doll with long straight blond hair. Her body is stuffed. Her eyes close when you lay her down. LOL, I don’t think I’ve had a doll with closing eyes since I was a kid. She’s definitely more geared towards kids than adult collectors, but I don’t care. She wears a bold pink dress, black tights and pale pink furry boots that are adorable. I polished her nails hot pink. I’d like a brunette with bangs to go with her someday. I’m surprised she has rooted hair. I would’ve guessed an 18” doll this size would be wigged. 

I checked out a doll from the Springfield Collection that was just $20, but when I saw this Asian doll by Adora Friends, I definitely had to put her in my cart, even though she was $54. 

I also got my toe ring last week and now both feet have a toe ring on the toes next to the big toes. It’s not as nice as my wideband infinity swirl and it definitely sparkled more online, but it’s still nice. Just wish my ankle bracelet hadn’t broken. 

Hoodie's obsessed with "inspecting" my fingers and hands. It’s a good thing he's gentle, unlike Romeo. 

Really getting sick of hearing people’s home improvement projects around here. Today it was installing a new AC across the street. They aren’t nearly as annoying as the landscapers, though. What’s annoying (besides them) is when next door parks in their driveway and gets door slammy on me like they did just now. Shook the whole living room and even the metal figure skaters in the windows rattled. Most of the time they come and go quietly, but at least 1 of their 3-5 times going out they really let me know it. And again, where is a couple in their 80s going so damn often??? They only pull into the garage when they know they’re not going out again for the day, so that will probably be when they return in an hour or two. They usually do most of their coming and going between 8 am - noon. 

I’m still behind in my writing, but managed to proofread a couple of chapters of my book today. 

What I don’t get is why all the fatigue lately? I’m normally a pretty energetic person, yet I’m tiring down early these days and still not sleeping well. I wake up after 4 hours of sleep, then once or twice an hour from there on out. Still averaging 8 hours, but haven’t slept 10 hours like I usually do when I get overly tired in quite a while now. I usually don’t start tiring down till I’ve been up about 14 hours, then I’ll go read for a couple of hours before I crash. But lately, I’m tiring down 10-12 hours after I’ve been up. WTF? I’m under NO stress right now, I’m not sick, so I don’t know why I’m so tired lately. My life is AWESOME now. 

The tall pink flowers in the bedroom look the absolute best. I still have pink tulips to put in the bathroom once it’s painted, and I’m waiting on two giant roses. After that, I probably won’t get that many more wall stickers. As big as this place is, I’ve only got so much space for them. I put some old traditional wall hangings in Tom’s room. A large print of a sexy Indian woman across from the bed, and a couple of small sunsets with palm trees at the sides of the bed. 

It’s nice to know we can do the rest of the painting and the flooring at our leisure and there’s no hurry like there was with the carpet and painting the areas over the old carpet. Painting a room this big with brand-new carpet would make me very nervous. 

I’m behind on documenting dreams as well, but I’ve taken notes. Let’s see… in one dream I was standing in a small room in which an old bedridden man lay in bed talking to a woman that stood right by his bedside. I don’t know who they were or why I ran, but I suddenly turned and bolted from the room. As I headed out, I heard the old man say, “You better go,” and knew he was telling the girl he should go after me. 

Sure enough, she pursued me down a long corridor. She was running about as fast as I was and the next thing I knew, I realized I had something breakable in my hand (a mug or a glass?) so I tossed it in her direction to slow her down. I awoke as it shattered on the floor. 

In another dream, some woman (my old dental assistant in Arizona?) was proposing to me, and in another, I wrote an entry about having affairs with two different women and how I was looking forward to all the fun, LOL. One of my followers commented saying that while it may seem exciting and adventurous at first, it could lead to a lot of chaos and confusion in the future.