Tom said he doesn’t think the Austin visitor was Molly or connected to her because of the way so many IP#’s are routed from the same area. Andy thinks it is, though. The only thing that shoots down the idea of it being her or connected to her is the fact that they only went to Prosebox. Molly usually makes her rounds by trying to get into all my journals in hopes of one of them suddenly being public again. I’m not sure what to think, but for now my current journal can stay friends only. Past stuff can be public or members cuz I don’t care if she can see that. I don’t want her knowing what’s going on with me right now. Why, I don’t know. There’s nothing I’m saying that she or anyone else could use against me, but instinct is telling me to keep the here and now a mystery to her (even though I already miss being at least members only and the fun of seeing who comes around). That’s all she’d be interested in anyway. I guess my reasons are not to give her the satisfaction of being able to find out if I’m mentioning her or our mutual friend. Then again, that friend isn’t so mutual anymore. She’s still my friend, but not hers. 

We’re on for the 24th as for when they’ll be installing the new carpet. So this worn-out dark brown crap in here has just one week left to live, yippee! 

Was out walking and running for 54 minutes just to burn a lousy 225 calories according to what I just calculated online. I'd have to work out at least 3 hours a day to be able to eat enough not to feel like I was starving and still lose weight. No thanks! 

Noticed my hands and feet swell up when I’m working out, but read that this is normal. It goes back down after I’m done. 

Later… 

Although I already miss it, I cut out my sparkling fruity waters even though they had 0 calories, 0 caffeine – 0 everything – to save a little more money so we can use it for other things. $10 a week may not seem like much, but when you think about it, that’s $40 a month. A little does add up, believe it or not. It’s why I work MT. People may think it’s not worth it for a few bucks a day, but that few bucks a day is over a hundred a month and over a grand a year. Imagine getting an extra grand in taxes each year? You’d take it if you could, and well, so would I. 

I said last night I’d have to be out running and walking 3 hours every day to lose weight and still eat enough to avoid feeling like I was starving, Well, fitnessblender.com has these 90-minute workout videos that burn about 1000 calories. Before being diagnosed with a dead thyroid, these videos got me in great shape, increased my stamina and increased my flexibility. But they failed to get any weight off even with dieting. I’m curious as to how they may affect me now that I’m on medication. I’d still have to eat less, but maybe one of these days I’ll give it a try. 

When I’m out and about in public, be it at the grocery store or any other store, I see so, so many people half my age and twice my size. I realize that for 48, I could be doing a lot worse than I am. 

I’m looking forward to getting out for an hour this evening. My motto is that if I can’t improve what I’ve got, I can at least try to maintain it. :) 

Tom re-routed the Internet wires from coming up through the floor to going in through the wall. He couldn’t go up into the wall from the floor because then he’d hit the steel frame that the house sits on. So he dove straight in through the wall. It looks much better this way and it also gets more wires out of the rats’ reach. 

I keep forgetting to write about what snippets of dreams I remember. The last few I remember is being outdoors at the crack of dawn in a cold snowy and totally dismal place. I was on a street lined with two-story, close-set houses. The ground was more slushy than snowy and I watched snow mixed with rain as it fell upon the electrical wires overhead. As they hit the wire I could see tiny sparks of electricity almost like the wires were super hot and it boiled the drops of water as they would hit it. 

In another dream scene, I was in an indoor swimming pool somewhere and was chatting with a young woman with blue streaks in her hair who sat at the edge of the pool, dangling her feet in the water. She was heavy, but not ugly. I could tell that she kind of liked me but I wasn’t interested in her in that way. I just wanted to know how I could get purple streaks put in my own hair, haha. 

Tom and I were at the beach in another dream, but it wasn’t anything like Hawaii. It was gross cuz not only was the shoreline a bit rockier with thicker grains of sand, but many people on the beach had large dogs and so there were piles of dog shit all along the shore. 

Tammy shared a few pics of her new place and I would never guess in a million years it was low-income! She wouldn’t either, she said. It’s beautiful! She’s got a helluva view and the place is bright, open, spacious, and sunny. 

She says it’s very quiet even though there are people living above her. As I told her, that would change if I suddenly moved in, guaranteed. LOL, I’m a magnet for noise. So much so that I’m thrilled to have quiet neighbors for the first time in over 20 years, though I do hear vehicle doors over there a few times a day mostly between 8am - noon. If next door was suddenly attached to us I’d hear everything and I mean everything. TVs, cabinets, footsteps – you name it, I’d hear it. If they were suddenly attached to anyone else they wouldn’t hear a damn thing. 

Andy should be lucky his neighbors who just had a baby aren’t going to be there forever. If I were suddenly living in his place they’d be broke and stuck there indefinitely. 

Anyway, Tammy still has a lot of setting up to do, so I’ll call her tomorrow. 

Meanwhile, I wonder if we’ll end up there someday. Maui seems highly unlikely unless we’re surprised with either winning big, suing the shit out of someone, or stumbling upon a goldmine, all of which is seriously unlikely. 

I just wish I could stop worrying about the future so much! If it were that easy to just not worry unless or until something bad happens, I would do it, and so would tons of other worrywarts out there. But there is no magic switch in my head I can reach in and flick, nor are there any words I can tell myself. I just worry the shit will hit the fan again soon enough. We’ve been doing well for just over 2½ years now, though I still worry that things will go wrong in time. You can think you’re doing everything possible to help protect yourself against physical or financial problems, but then unforeseen things have a way of jumping out at you. Things you have little to no control over. Things you can’t just fix in a few weeks or even a few months. Tom and I don’t seem to skin our knees in life; we break bones instead. 

So will we move to Florida someday if we don’t lose this place? That remains to be seen. Too many things can change in the next 13 years before he retires. It’s going to depend on a lot of things – how our health is, what inflation is like, if our retirement money is there, etc. That’s another thing I worry about is our retirement money. Will it really be there? Our pension money wasn’t, and the government’s proven to both us and millions of others that it doesn’t give a shit if its own lives or dies. Tom says there are laws to protect people’s retirement funds, but guess what? Laws change. We’re supposed to be getting almost what he makes today, and at 65 I’m supposed to get 50% of what he gets, but that may change because there is more and more separatism these days in marriage. 

I don’t know why people bother getting married in the first place if so many of them have the “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours” attitude they often have. I pity the spouse that gets laid off or ends up disabled, knowing how pitiful unemployment/disability benefits are because no one wants to support their spouse today as it’s “not their responsibility to be anyone’s caretaker.” The first thing people look for when seeking a permanent partner these days is how much money they make. It’s sad that they don’t see beyond what’s in the bank and into their hearts and minds. Thank goodness I’m not broke and single, cuz even if I were young, slim and gorgeous, I’d have a helluva time nabbing anyone no matter how kind, smart or mature I may be. I’m truly, truly beyond blessed to have a guy like Tom who wouldn’t think a damn thing differently of me if I were suddenly burned in a fire or rendered in a wheelchair for life.