Sometimes I still find myself missing old friends and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I suppose it’s just normal, though. Despite the blatant liar Aly was, I do miss her at times, probably even more than I miss Andy and Nane. Not sure I miss Maliheh, though, and I definitely don’t miss Paula. But we live in a very unforgiving world despite all the hypocrites out there preaching forgiveness. Not that these people necessarily have anything they need to forgive me for, and not that I want to actually pick up my friendships with them, but I do miss them at times and I would probably be dumb enough to talk to them if they contacted me. Yet I know I could contact them until I was blue in the face and get no response.

Tom thinks it’s very unlikely that I’ll hear from Kathleen because she still does work for us even if it’s not in the way the doctor does, and I totally agree. Sometimes it’s easy to think that someone who is overly friendly is attracted to you when they’re simply being friendly. I was so sure that I would hear from Mary C at VH. I didn’t. I was so sure I would hear from Johnson. I didn’t. I was so sure I would hear from Stacey. I didn’t. So why should I think I’ll hear from Kathleen? Well, I won’t. As I’ve learned, no matter how obvious someone may appear to be and no matter how much they may seem to really want to be your friend, it’s either just an act or an act of professionalism.

The fact that I haven’t heard from her even though it hasn’t been long since I last saw her is proof right there that no, she doesn’t really like me. If she did she would have jumped at the opportunity to contact me and she would’ve sent a message saying something like: I know you may not be in a position to go shopping just yet but I thought I would check you out (on FB) and say hi.

She would be following me and buying my books, too. Then again, since I’ve gotten more private I’m not so easy to follow.

When I don’t hear from her as time goes on I wonder if I’ll be more disappointed or relieved. Probably relieved. It’s hard to get as disappointed when you’ve been blown off time and time again and you’ve lived long enough to know that certain things just aren’t meant to be. Even if she really was attracted to me that doesn’t mean she wants to be my friend. So I’ll probably be more relieved, knowing the potential trouble friends can bring. Going friendless is always easier even if it makes life lonelier or boring at times, and yes, some days I still feel this strange void in my life; a sense of emptiness that needs to be fulfilled only I don’t know what to fulfill it with.

While I certainly love my adult life a million times better than when I was a kid or in jail, the structure and routine I once had were good for me in some ways. Even though I had to do things I didn’t like doing, it made me value my free time even more. Doing the things I love to do was even more special because I couldn’t do them anytime I wanted to like I can now. I also had a lot more human interaction, some good, some bad. So everything has its pros and cons. This is the safer, easier life, but it can get boring at times. Things aren’t so new and exciting anymore or all that special, but I think most of that feeling comes from getting older. I feel I need a little more adventure in my life. The only problem is that with adventure usually comes drama as well, and I definitely don’t need any drama.