This entry is a classic example of why I’ve chosen to keep a lot of my journal from those I actually know. Tammy just messaged me to say how horrible she and Becky are doing, so I would feel bad sharing entries where I brag about how wonderful some of our goodies are. It isn’t that she would intentionally put a guilt trip on me and it isn’t that I don’t feel bad for them, but we do have a right to live our lives.

Becky needs surgery on her wrist. The bastard that hit her only has 10K for insurance. Tammy had surgery yesterday and is in a lot of pain. She said Becky said she would have been better off if he’d killed her and that’s heartbreaking for Tammy, understandably.

Our lives are good but not perfect. Today I’ve got some burning and itching in the crotch and my emotions are sometimes a little off, but I can’t say I feel “anxious.” No racing heart either, though I was a little anxious and heart-racy yesterday. After chatting with Tom when he got home I felt a million times better. I wonder if I should have skipped my meds today like I did. This is my second skip since the last time I was at the lab. Really hope I can take it every day with labs being just a few weeks away, but I’m not going to kill myself just to give the doctor better numbers.

I looked it up and I really do have some symptoms of either uterine or endometrial cancer. Frequent peeing, a clear discharge, and cramp-like symptoms. The cramps may be my stomach and not my uterus but the discharges are definitely coming from the vag. I don’t have it too often, though. Not as often as the cramps and peeing, but I’ve been a frequent pisser for many years now.

I say let fate play itself out. Sure I’d like to leave California someday and live another 20-30 years and die when my husband dies, but we’re always going to have things we would still like to do no matter when we die. There are just as many pros and cons to dying now as there would be to dying 20 years from now or 20 years ago. I’m still terrified at the actual thought of going through the dying process. How much pain, suffering and fear will I endure? And what possible afterlife might I face afterward? Very scary thoughts. I try not to dwell on these things but I know I have to face them sooner or later just like everyone else in the world.

What do I think? I still think Tom will die first, probably in his 80s, and that’s when I’ll kill myself. If there is any God up there planning our fate, it’s not going to let me die in my 50s when it can keep me living a few more decades so I can suffer more long-term crises. I may be blessed in many ways, but I’ve also been cursed in more ways. First, it was the wanting to be a singer, then it was being denied true lust, then it was the sex/baby shit, then it was the freeloader shit, then the poverty, then my meds/peri; so why not live for whatever the next long-term problem is going to be?

Learned how to block numbers on my phone. It’s pretty simple to do on androids. Quicken Loans has been harassing me because I entered HGTV’s dream home sweep. They do this every time they give away houses. I guess they’re one of their sponsors. It’s so fucking rude and you would think companies like HGTV wouldn’t want sponsors like that. I sent a text telling them to fuck off but that hasn’t done me any good, so I had to block the two numbers they’ve called me from. I’m sure they’ll keep calling from other numbers but I’ll just keep blocking them until they run out of numbers or give up on me since they’re not getting what they want. Why do they assume everyone who enters to win a house is looking for a loan? I just want to win the fucking house, not borrow money.

The solar wind chime is totally gorgeous. There aren’t any actual chimes, tho. It doesn’t make any sound. In the light, they look like snowballs hanging from these little wires. The color-changing effect in the dark is awesome. They look like colored balls of ice or crystal. I totally want more. I want one for just outside the kitchen window and one for the carport as well.

Tom also got his new desk chair today.

He got the new gate code from Joy which they change periodically and he programmed the clickers/car.

I woke up to the huge mower mowing the common area on one side of me and sawing and hammering on the other side of me. Jon said something about bugs. I guess they missed a spot when they were tenting and had to replace the wallboards in that area. Of course, that spot had to be closest to us. I’m sure this latest project will last all week, too. It’s a good thing I’m sleeping in these days.

He’s a definite super poster. Some of his posts are interesting, but it’s mostly political shit I’m sick of hearing day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year…

Glade has helped make the place smell a little better. I’ve got the Cashmere Woods plugged in now.

The new motion sensor soap dispenser is awesome. I love how it doesn’t drip or trail just like they said it wouldn’t. It’s a little big for the bathroom, so it’s in the kitchen.

I created a second account on MD, not so much in a bogus name but that doesn’t use real names or say anything that would give my identity away to Aly should she be looking to connect with people there. That and Tumblr are the only blogging sites I know of that she likes. I did lie about my basic details. I also mentioned being a BDSM fanatic, curious to see if that catches her attention. Part of me thinks it would be funny to befriend her under a false identity, as wrong as that would be. She was less than honest with me, though, so if she stumbles upon it, which I doubt, I’m going to just go along with her for shits and giggles.

I think she would know it was me no matter what, though. She’s a well-trained hacker. I still think that when we would troll people she had a way of hacking my account to see what activity was done with it. These were times when I was totally anonymous and making sure to sound the least obvious as possible. Yet she always knew it was me. Always. She would claim she was just good with people, but nobody’s that good.

I just don’t understand some people sometimes. They can appear to be such good friends or close enough to it and then they ghost you for no apparent reason at all. The older lady who moved from Vermont to Tennessee who bought Locked-In and really loved it hasn’t said a word to me in over a week now even though I’ve continued to comment on her entries. She hasn’t purchased any more of my books either.

Saw a headline trending on Facebook about Twitter getting ready to test doubling tweet lengths. That would be nice. Oh, and the Saudis are going to be kind enough to allow women to drive. Pretty fucking sad that it had to take this long for that to happen but as I always did say, had I been in that country no one would have pressured me about my not driving. Instead, they would have gotten on my ass about not having kids. It seems that no matter where you go people will get on you for something or another.