Two nights ago I had a dream I broke one of the earbuds of my new sleeping earbuds.

Then I was in some kind of shower when I got down on my knees to turn it off. I guess maybe the knobs were down low. The spray of water which shot out horizontally as well as vertically hit my pussy in the perfect spot and brought total pleasure to me. However, I actually had my underwear on and was going to yank the crotch aside so I could feel the water even better when I spotted an Asian woman sitting on a couch nearby in a dark-colored bikini.

Then I was holding a “bait” letter of sorts and I knew that somebody, probably the assholes down in Arizona, were trying to bait me into doing something they could use against me.

I’m not sure if we were living in this particular place in the next dream or just staying there, but I realized that Palma was our neighbor. I saw her come outside of her house one day and I waved and said hello to her when I was hanging out front with Tom. Her voice sounded a bit suspicious and snobby but she said hello and then asked if I would have time to talk. In the dream, she had blue eyes. I played it nice and said sure, anytime. I knew she suspected me of something bad, though, but had no idea what it could be.

In the next dream, it may have been early in the year and I was wishing I could jump ahead to August for some reason.

The last dream I had was connected to Valleyhead somehow. It was like they wanted to do an experiment with those who had been there as kids. Something about my being deaf in one ear was involved or it somehow came up.

In last night’s dream, Polly, a woman in her seventies who lives in New Zealand, was being ripped off by some guy. Somehow she was forced to make regular payments to the guy that she believed was wrong and unfair.

Then I had a dream that we moved to England when he retired for the Universal Health Care. Someone asked me how I like the humidity and I said, “It’s what I grew up with.”

Now for some reflections on reality. While this may be the best my life has been from a security standpoint, I feel like so many of my best years have passed, never to return. I feel like I’m being “stripped,” bit by bit of all that I was. I’ve lost so much. So much that I once was that I can never be again.

I can’t even remember the last time I had a genuine crush on someone, for example. I may notice someone. Someone who stands out. Maybe they’re even noteworthy enough to throw in one of my stories. Yet I haven’t had a crush on someone who remained in the forefront of my mind in quite a while now. It’s like I’ve even gotten too old for that and it’s kind of too bad because crushes are fun. They’re inspiring. They draw great characters and ideas for my stories. Yet I no longer have those to set the stage for them and like I said, crushes were fun. Maybe more like frustrating when I was young and single, but fun as a married person. In a way, it was like adding variety even though I never touched it, never tasted it, and never savored it in any real way.

I miss having good vision, I miss not being so damn fat, I miss some of my old perspectives even if they were a bit off. The way I would feel, the way I would think, the way I perceived things. I had hope for new things and adventures. But now, while I may look forward to hopefully meeting with Aly and maybe even going to Hawaii if he really is working the same job, I have little else to look forward to but trying to keep as comfortable as I can with my current health issues. Instead of hoping and dreaming, however pointless it may have been, today I try not to be so tired. I try not to itch and burn so much, I try not to overeat, and I hope not to be anxious. I struggle to see the print before me even with glasses and I worry more about Tom as he is also aging.

Sometimes I think I need something new in my life. A new hobby, a new goal, a new something. But what??? I try to see the good in what I have today besides a nice home and financial security. I have all kinds of fun gadgets and tools at my disposal for my creative works and other things. But I feel like I have no life at the same time and that I spend more time wishing certain things were like they used to be.

But then there are some things I would never want to return to. I’m stronger now and less emotional. I wouldn’t want to be hurt or angered by things as easily as I would be in the past. Things I’m able to just shrug off these days.

And would I really want my old libido back? I’d be stuck having to take care of myself because my husband has no libido either, his weight and age would make screwing hard, and I couldn’t stand to be screwed with the lichen planus taking over my pussy. The internet would make it easier to hook up with side dishes but I can’t see myself wanting an affair either. But if I was horny and someone attractive was around, who knows how I may react? I love my husband but I’m a human being. Never once did I cheat on him or have any kind of affair. But what if Palma had actually come on to me? Would I have pushed her away or would I have given in to my human side? I guess it’s a good thing I never found out.

For many years I felt this emptiness inside me, a void that needed to be filled. I yearned to fill it but I didn’t know what I was supposed to fill it with or exactly what I was missing or craving. Well, fortunately I haven’t had that feeling of craving the unknown for years now. Instead, I feel like life is over and like the end may be near and it’s not a good feeling at all even though that in itself could be a good thing. Die now and I never have to get any older and acquire any more diseases. But I don’t want to die now either unless I was in an extremely dire situation in which there was no point of return.

I’ve been having a strong feeling that we’re not going to be doing the roof and that we’re not going to be here for 6 more years. That could only be a very good thing or a very bad thing because we learned our lesson years ago about how unsafe and stupid it is to move long distance while he still needs to work. So wouldn’t that mean we somehow got ahold of a lot more money than we expected? Either that or something kills us. I’ve always had a feeling that the terror I went through since living here was in preparation for something and it can only be something really bad. Like worse than what I went through, and that’s the thing… worst would be death.

Sometimes I still think it would be nice to have something new going on in my life in addition to the same old, same old routine. I may love my life and enjoy the things I do, but we all need a break or at least some variety thrown in the mix. The only problem is that the last time I wished for change, the pigs came knocking on my door.

When I think of Bob and Virginia next door I wonder if they feel like they’ve been cycling through the same routine forever now that they’ve been retired for so long and like they’re more or less in a waiting room of sorts. A waiting room in which they’re waiting to be admitted to their final destination… death. Do they ever feel like they’re just biding their time until their number’s up? Do they feel like they’re on death row since they can’t have that many more years left? Do they get up each morning and ask themselves, is this it? Is this the day we’re finally going to die?

Anyway, we ran out to Raley’s earlier, changed the rats’ cage, and went bike riding. I finished watching The Sinner and swapped texts with Aly and Kim. I polished my nails blue with gold shimmer and felt a little anxious earlier. Skipping meds tomorrow and hoping Tom’s right in his theory that my hormones still fluctuate a bit and that this will go away once I’ve gone a full year without a period. I hope he’s right!