Now, what the fuck did she do that for? In looking for someone else on Messenger, I accidentally discovered that my old dentist, Dr. H, blocked me.

shakes head briskly with confusion For one quick, simple, polite little message??? WTF? Does she think I’m going to pester her or something? I never would have contacted her again, so she did it for nothing. It’s moments like these, however, that I wish I had Stacey’s psychology degree because I’m curious as to why someone would do that over such an innocent message. Someone who isn’t even my doctor anymore. And why would Alyssa not block me, assuming she’s seen any of my messages to her which were definitely more than one.

sighs At least I know she definitely got the message. It hit me, though, that her being suggested to me was probably because of my message to her and not because she picked it up. If it was her picking it up, why didn’t she block me a lot sooner? I think Facebook suggests people we look in on and that we message. The question is whether or not we’re suggested to them for looking in on them, even though they swear we’re not.

I went over to Yelp and removed my review from her old place of work. Besides, she doesn’t even own the damn place anymore.

I woke up with horrible fatigue even though I slept well and got a great sleep score of 88. I’m frustrated as hell that this has become the norm rather than the exception. I had a bit of anxiety last night so I skipped my meds one more day (today) and then I’m just going to have to accept the fact that both fatigue and anxiety are going to be a part of the rest of my life. I definitely believe most of the anxiety is connected to the medication since again, the problem didn’t start until I went on the damn stuff, and secondly, it’s getting a little late in the game for the lady hormones to be blamed. As my doctor said, the fatigue could be from anything. Not knowing what it is and what to do about it is so fucking frustrating!

Today I was so tired it was almost debilitating, and I almost wished we didn’t have any pets since both pigs were due to have their cages changed today. Yet somehow, we managed and I even cut Rockefeller’s nails. I’ll do Blitz next week. I alternate between the two. Did some laundry and cooking too, but not much else.

He thinks it’s mostly a combination of cabin fever and depression. But as I told him, I don’t feel depressed. Bored at times, yes. Excited to move, yes. Worried about all that could go wrong, yes. But as he says, most people who are depressed don’t realize it.

He doesn’t think I developed chronic fatigue after reading numerous articles on it. Plus, you don’t get a day off here and there from that.

I get his point about needing to get out more and spend more time in the sunlight, and with the weather cooling off (since we’re not yet in a state where we can swim in either pools or oceans year-round), we should be able to take more walks. He says he thinks I should go out and just see it as a walk and not a workout. Meaning, stop and check things out and chat every now and then along the way.

We were debating whether or not I’m more sociable and he thinks I’m way more sociable than he is. Yeah, online maybe. While I have been a friend to Dixie and I’ve visited next door, I consider myself polite but not friendly. I learned all too well many years ago, just like he has, the world of trouble that friends often bring. There are just too many self-serving liars out there and I feel compelled to look out for myself. The only one I would want to associate with in person would be Aly, not that I ever see us living in the same state. But that’s how picky I am. I think I’m a little more social than he is in that if we were out somewhere and someone came up and initiated a conversation with us, I’m likely to be the one to do most of the talking. He isn’t just anti-social, he’s quiet. But just like me, he’s content to do his own thing. That doesn’t mean we would ever want to live without each other, of course, but when one of us is asleep or out somewhere, the other is usually able to entertain themselves just fine.

You can make fun of me for being a die-hard introvert like Andy did (even though he was a bit of a loner himself) but I am who I am no matter how many people out there may think it’s wrong.

I do miss going out to stores and restaurants at times. Only problem is that with or without screaming kids, restaurants tend to blast music and there really isn’t anything I need from stores, which also play annoying music, that I can’t just order online.

I still get his point about cabin fever. I hate to have most of my outings be about appointments, for example, but it’s still going out and I do tend to feel better those days. I remember in my early twenties when I first went out on my own before my parents left Massachusetts for good how I would be invited (sometimes) to family gatherings. I would dread these boring events and see them as one big chore and be like, “Okay, let’s get this shit over with and then I can come back to the comfort and privacy of my apartment.” I never would have thought to make up an excuse as to why I couldn’t come over. While I would certainly rather not go out and hang with people who pretended to love me and only had kids because it was “in” back in the 60s, it had a way of making my free time more special. That’s the shitty side of things becoming no longer new and exciting. Once you’ve finally done things you haven’t done or you’ve had things for a certain amount of time, then what? There are only so many places to go and so many things to do, especially when you don’t have an unlimited supply of money.

Only time will tell if things will improve with moving. I hope they do, and I think they will a little but otherwise, I’m not holding my breath. I really think that fatigue and anxiety are just the older part of me and they’re not going anywhere either. I think it’s more than just cabin fever and depression, though I don’t know what. I’ve always been a homebody even though yes, I went out more often in the past. Furthermore, I’ve had a real reason to be depressed in the past yet never experienced this degree of fatigue.

I swear things didn’t change so much with my health until we got into this house. It’s almost as if this house is a curse in itself with everything but money. But we’re not always going to have money and we’re not always going to be here, so we’ll see. Don’t know yet if we’re leaving by ground or by air but we’re leaving in about 6 months or less!

I was mildly tired yesterday but still managed to do some “loop walking.” When I first saw him walking up and down the length of the house, I asked why he wasn’t on the treadmill and he said he felt that this gave him a better workout by having to change directions and all that whereas he may be tempted to rest his arms on the handles if he was on the treadmill. So I did some loop walking of my own last night. Maybe I won’t get a new treadmill in the next place. It will just depend on how big the place is and what the layout is.

On the bright side, it’s wonderfully and surprisingly quiet. I don’t even hear the freeway let alone planes. A sign of the end of our time here! If we had years left here, they would be swarming overhead like a mofo.

I’m still going back and forth between whether or not to deactivate both Twitter accounts since one doesn’t serve any real purpose since I write the same things in my journal, and the other is kind of pointless since I keep in touch elsewhere with the people I’m connected to there, but until I decide, I made my private Twitter account public. Although I’m still going to go private during the move, I don’t give a shit anymore who finds and reads my stuff. You stumble upon me somehow whether I know you or not, you find something you don’t like, that’s on you. No one’s forced to read anything of mine, and no one can say they weren’t warned either.

But I’m forced to deal with 41° tomorrow night. ☹

Now that Aly is sure I know about her other Twitter account, of course she isn’t tweeting as much and when she does it’s not going to be about any hard feelings she won’t express directly to me. So I won’t know about it if little Miss Sensitive takes offense to me telling her I worry about her catching the virus and tweets that she’s not reckless or stupid.