Signing in on a very exhausted and frustrating note. I slept really badly because I kept waking up due to stressing over my numbers which are shitty as hell. I’ve had very little energy to do much more than anything above and beyond what I need to do. Again I question whether or not I should ever get any more pets if I’m going to continue to be this tired this often. I hope that a fresh start in a new place will change things for the better but can’t count on that.

My numbers are much worse than I expected them to be. I expected my TSH to be between 12 and 14 and it’s a 13 so that one is where I expected it to be. But I didn’t think my cholesterol would be off the charts high at just over 300 or that my glucose would jump from 101 to 110. I knew my white blood cell count would be slightly elevated, and it is, but wasn’t sure about the red blood cell count. I knew that could be normal since it is at times. But that one is slightly elevated as well. Not sure what to make of it. My white blood cell count has been high for as long as I can remember but I’m not sure what the red blood cell count means. Could be just the way I am, or it could be as the hematologist said about it being slightly high for a while and then taking off quickly and becoming a problem. I think, however, that at my age it likely would have done that by now if it was going to so I’m not too worried about it. My biggest concerns right now are whether or not to take statins and how to keep from becoming diabetic. Apparently, it’s not just about weight and activity levels but genetics as well and those aren’t in my favor at all.

I’m torn on the statins but as I told my doctor on the portal after missing a call from her damn nurse, this one speaking in a foreign accent I can’t place but could still understand, I would like it to be Simvastatin if I decide to go that route because I don’t think I had any problems in the past with those during the brief time I was on them.

But yeah, again the nurse called to “ask a question” and as I also told my doctor, who I reminded that I have circadian rhythm disorder and am on nights now, I missed her call. Also, I’ve asked numerous times to be contacted via the portal, yet they still go and call anyway. So that right there was pretty frustrating on top of everything else. I’m guessing the question was either, “Can you do a video appointment?” Or “Do you finally have the guts to take statins?”

I’d guess she wants to do a vid appt since our appt is in less than two weeks, but I don’t know. I would have thought she’d want to listen to my heart.

The red spot on my arms looks like it might be healing and not need to be sprayed.

I know I shouldn’t be that worried since this is all stuff that can be dealt with, but this is America. The sicker you are and the more medication you need, the more you could go into debt unless you have tons of money. We need to be focused on moving now, not my fucking health.

There are pros and cons to taking statins. Obviously, the cons are that they’re potentially dangerous and might not do me any good since they’re not always guaranteed to save you from strokes and heart attacks. But then if I don’t take them, maybe I’ll die younger and help even out our lifespans with Tom being older. Maybe if I die younger, that’s less time to be bored with doing the same old fucking things decade after decade, being tired, sleeping shitty, listening to people’s shit…

I just can’t guarantee myself there won’t be an afterlife whenever I die that could be potentially worse than my worst days on Earth. For some reason, it’s a hell of a lot easier to tell myself I have no reason to think I won’t be sent to hell, if there is such a thing as heaven and hell, as it is to tell myself I have no reason to think I won’t make it to heaven. Even though I’m not a crazed murderer and my heart is far from the darkest, I do fear the worst. The pessimist in me, I guess.

So much for taking these shots for helping with my cholesterol but they’re definitely helping with other things. My blood pressure has been better, and I don’t have as much hip pain. Guess turmeric is supposed to help with inflammation. I’m trying the one with ginger now and it tastes a little better.

Since I just can’t seem to get my numbers straight no matter what, I read the toothbrush manual and they do recommend 30 seconds per quadrant with a regular toothbrush and not 15. So that’s a total of 2 minutes. While brushing with my triple-head toothbrush for 2 minutes certainly wouldn’t hurt, one minute is sufficient enough. I actually brush for a little over a minute because it’s tricky coming around to the front teeth which was also mentioned. I hate it when the plastic part of the toothbrush rattles against my teeth.

We’re going to start using regular bedding for both pigs instead of the fleece liners because the bedding keeps them cleaner. We’ll change them both every 5 days.

The Spiritual incense I got from Walmart doesn’t smell the greatest but it’s better than poison. Since we’re going to have to bomb our future house more often where all kinds of scary shit lives, they would be good for when we air the place out.

Last night I made my prettiest bracelet yet in shades of pink with shiny gold accents. I just didn’t do the greatest job of tying off the “diamond.” I should have linked it instead. The stretchy clear plastic cord is definitely way easier to work with than chains or that thicker waxy cord.

I had a handful of weird, senseless dreams. In one, I was leaving a crowded restaurant or cafeteria in which many young and loud people were enjoying pizza and things like that. I went to leave and found that I had to climb over one of the tables and squeeze through a window in order to do so. I took off my jacket to make it easier.

Once I got home, I realized I left my jacket at the place, so I went back and retrieved it from the manager who brought it to her office.

Tom and I were browsing through a department store in the next dream and I was showing him this really nice crop top with fringes that I liked with matching tights, but I didn’t buy anything.

Then we left the store and started walking through some side streets. I lost my sense of direction and asked where we were. He named the street, whatever it was, saying some barbershop was nearby.

Then we went to a Chinese fast food place and I hoped they would have American food for Tom’s since he didn’t eat Chinese. Most of the tables were empty but had shit all over them. Tom began to clear one off. I looked up at the menu and then when I looked back at Tom, he was gone. I looked in the other direction and found him returning from the soda fountain with a drink in his hand.

Then a couple of women with a baby left and I was glad, not wanting to have to deal with it if it started screaming.

Lastly, I looked down at the floor where a tiny bicycle made of gold metal was wheeling across the floor. It only made it a few feet before it toppled over.