July 1993

7/1/1993 Thurs. 10:33 PM

Now that I have a night off, I can finally catch up in here with all that's been going on. Since the Candy Store and the Mile High screwed me over, I knew I had to go a distance. Favors is a half-hour away. The money's so much better, though, that I’m glad I got screwed over. If I’d known about private room dancing, I’d never have bothered with bars.

So anyway, let me back up to June 27th. Late afternoon, I went to Tom's house for the first time. His house is old for Arizona. It’s a corner house that was built in 1950. All of them are right around there in that subdivision. They’re tract houses. A little too small and definitely too close to the neighbor. Their driveway is just a few away. His house is about 1400 square feet, and to be honest, it's pretty ugly. Especially the bathroom and kitchen.

7/2/1993 Fri. midnight

So last Sunday, Tom and I swam in his pool, talked, and had a field day with his computers. He's very lucky cuz he's got 8 computers and I have a busted typewriter.

So far, Tom's been a perfect gentleman who insists I never need to worry about him trying to move in on me or change me, as much as he really likes me and is attracted to me.

The following day, he turned 36 (although I tease him and say 41).

I slept on his couch, and on Monday, he took me to Favors. It sure is a piece of cake. No hustling, no loud smoky bars and no latex. Most of the time, you sit on your ass. Every week, we pay $30 in security fees. If you cut $300 or more a week, and you will, you pay $50 for advertising fees. Tuesday night, I cut $245! I only took home $175 of it cuz of fees and cab fare. Steve and his day driver, Bob, have cut my fare from $15 to $10. This place is a half-hour away, but right near Tom.

I’ll stay at Tom's on some days that I work. Especially on Mondays cuz that's when the landscapers come. They are here earlier now due to the heat. I still hear the blowers daily, but not right by my window, and I sleep with the radio on. I knew they'd keep going back on their word at the office, even though it's still much better and quieter than the other apartment.

Wednesday night, I had only one show, but I made $70. I’d never make as much in bars. I work 4 days a week from 5:30-1:00. On Wednesday, I worked 40 minutes of my 7½ hours for $70. Tuesday, I worked only 2½ hours for $245. I’ll never have a set schedule, though. The days will vary. When no one's doing a show, or you're not, we eat, watch videos, or whatever we want. There's a kitchen, and we can order food too.

Later, I’ll write about my projects on Tom's computer as well as other stuff.

5:38 AM

I am going to bed real soon, and I hope to hell no blowers wake me up. Why do they need to do this every day?

The guy downstairs has a weird habit. He sleeps with his bedroom window open, yet has his AC on too. What a waste.

I slept on the couch at Tom's place, which was very comfortable compared to mine. I may take his bed tomorrow, as he said it'd be no problem for him to sleep on the couch.

I’m too tired to write about what I did with the computer.

7/4/1993 Sun. 1 AM

I am at Tom's house right now, and I’m finally going to update on all that's been going on.

My typewriter's dead, so I’m doing it this way. His computer is awesome, and it has several styles of really neat printing. I’d give anything to be able to print in my journals this way. Tom says you can if you buy a binding system. This way, you just buy the covers and paper, type onto the paper, then bind the thing together into a book. I’d also just die to have a computer and a printing machine of my own cuz it sure makes things a lot easier. I’ve got to save up hundreds of dollars, though. Or maybe $200 to get the parts to build a computer with Tom, who already has certain parts. He already has a printer he does not use, and he's gonna check into prices as far as the binding thing goes.

So far I’ve already typed up letters to my parents, Tammy, and the girls, Fran, Nervous, Bob, Kim and Rosemarie. Soon, I’ll write letters to Scott, Stacey, Barbara, Ellie, Andi and whoever else comes to mind along the way. For now, I’ll copy into my journals whatever I type up, then send off the printed sheet to various people.

Work at Favors is going really well. I usually only work with Alyssa or Monique and they're really cool. I’ve only worked 4 nights so far and I got $70 for my second and third nights. Last night I didn't make anything. There was only one show and Alyssa got it. It's a good thing Monique called out of work. The money's still much better than the bars. You make much more for much less work. If you have only one one-hour show for the whole night, you've made $80. You'll rarely get that in the bars, whether you bust your ass trying to or not.

I saw the pictures that Ron took. All 27 of them were on a contact sheet. I saw the one that's going into The Beat magazine that goes throughout Phoenix. There's another one that'll go on a shelf along with other dancers’ pictures at the front entrance of the place.

The last time I wrote, I left off with what Tom and I did for Nervous, Fran, Bob, Kim and Tammy. Tom has dirty pictures that we printed out onto their letters. For Fran and Nervous, we found dirty pictures with bodies close enough to mine and we cut the faces off them. We told them that Tom took nude Polaroids of me, then we ran them through the computer, which printed them out onto their letters. These suckers will surely fall for it. I did the same thing for Bob and Kim, but in Kim’s letter, I explained the truth along with what I told Fran, Nervous and Bob. I put a nude picture in my sister's letter along with flowers, birds, butterflies and pigs. My parents and the girls got flowers and stuff like that.

Last night was sure funny at work. Andy envies me cuz he has to slave his ass off all day. We watched a movie, danced to the boombox, which was cranked to the max, ate like pigs and even pulled pranks on each other. At one point, I crashed on the couch for about an hour cuz I didn't sleep too well the last night I slept here. Then Alyssa woke me up, saying the doorbell rang. I knew I didn't hear it and she opened the door and no one was there. Later, Mike, the security guard, rang the doorbell and I pulled the same joke on Alyssa.

Towards the end of the night, we played a great joke on Mike. We called the telemarketing line and I used my girlie voice, asking if there were any girls who'd lick my pussy. It was quite hilarious.

I have to work tomorrow, then I have the next 3 days off. There are only two things that suck, though. One is that my schedule's never the same, but it will be 4 nights a week. The other thing is that I must call in at 5:30, even when I’m off, to see if I’m needed to come in. If I don't, I get fined $25. So when I’m off, I’m still on call.

 Whenever I have to work on a Monday, I stay at Tom's cuz of the landscapers. Tom really helped me get started with this job, but I owe him $50. I should have no problem paying him back before the month is out. Andy owes me money too, but I told him to only pay me back some of the $135 till he knows the outcome of his case with Scott. We also want to rent a camcorder, so I may have him use some of the money towards that.

I’ve paid $400 of my rent and all of the $108 owed to US West and all of the $58 owed to Sprint. All I owe is $89 to APS and $100 in rent. Pretty good, huh? And it's only the 4th.

Andy left a message saying that he spoke to a guy who lives next to Stevie Nicks and that she did get Shadow and his box. Andy says he has her address and I told him to leave it on my machine. I’ll write to her and explain why I had to give him up at the time and see if she has him or if she gave him away. I don't think it'll do me any good, but it's worth a shot.

I think I have everything updated for now, which is important, except for Ellie. Well, Andy finally got over there and was able to call my place. Sure enough, her number came up. I’m really shocked that such a paranoid loon like her wouldn't have gotten her line blocked from caller ID. Her name's Eloisa F.

7/5/1993 Mon. 8:52 PM

I’m at work right now. Only Sarah and I are working tonight. She got a show, but I’ve got nothing so far. Jay, the security guard's taking me home, which is great, especially if I don't make anything tonight due to the holiday. There are always holidays.

I’m watching a movie now and soon I’m gonna have a cigarette. Maybe some coffee, too.

I have the next 3 days off, but I’m on call Tuesday and Thursday.

I spoke to Andy a little while ago. He was reading part of a 9-page letter he wrote his mother. He only got to page 3 when the doorbell rang, but I said I’d call him when I got home. If he's asleep, I’ll hear the rest of the letter tomorrow. He's gonna be seeing someone about a job impersonating Stevie Nicks.

This Thursday, when The Beat comes out, Tom's gonna get 8 copies. For Bob, Kim, Nervous, Fran, Andy, Tammy, my parents and myself. I’m gonna be topless in this shot, so the one going to my parents will have my tits covered in black marker.

I slept until 8 PM on Sunday, but believe it or not, I fell asleep at 7:30 at Tom's. He forgot to turn off the ringer and the volume on his machine, so I woke up twice. At 8:30, Andy called. At 9:30, his co-worker Wendy called. Luckily, I fell back asleep after that till 3:30.

Thank God I got this job when I did, cuz they only like to have 8 girls. Everyone's new except Sarah and Kayla. Then, there are Alyssa, Monique, Amber, Gabrielle and me. Lea also dances at times.

10:30 PM

It's 10:30 now, and there are still no more shows. So we ordered food, and now I’m watching TV.

Last night I typed a letter to Scott. I have a few more folks to send letters to.

7:10 AM

I am staying up till 8:00 to call the office when it opens. I can't fucking believe these people! I’m so sick of dealing with apartment management. Why do they keep going back on their word? First, they promised no blowers early in the morning and that's hit or miss. Now I got a letter from Dan. They promised me up front I could pay $300 on the 3rd, then take the remainder of the month to pay the remaining $200. I explained up front about SS and SSI and the fact that I get paid in chunks here and there. Keri told me that if over half the rent's paid, there are no late fee charges. Now this letter says I must pay in full and I must add on $4 a day after the 4th of late fees. Those fucking assholes. I should've had them put this oral agreement into writing.

I finally found a way to get a natural-looking tan without dying in the sun, getting sun poisoning, or going to tanning salons, which is just as dangerous. I bought a sunless tanning lotion for $3 and it works great. I’ll never be white again.

I hope to talk to Tom when he gets in and after he hears my many messages.

I tried calling Tammy twice, but she finally got an answering machine. Her outgoing message is so long and she sounds sooo serious.

When Tom and I stopped in Smith's grocery store, I bought a journal with ballet slippers. It's so cute, but I don't know if I’ll like it. It's so small compared to my others.

Jay and I had an interesting talk at work about the music business. He once lived in L.A. and did security for celebs till he moved here. He mentioned stuff I already know, as well as other stuff I never thought of that makes perfect sense. I’ll get into it later, but he told me a sure way to never again be conned by another Scott M.

10:36 PM

I have had a very enjoyable day off. As soon as I awoke, I called Keri, who said don't worry about the nastygram. They have it noted in the computer as far as my arrangement. The computer also routinely does these letters and they must give them to me. She said I’ve been very good about getting the rent paid, so don't worry unless they call me. Thank God this is taken care of. This is the last thing I need to deal with.

She also asked how my new job was, which was at the Candy Store, but I told her how they dicked me over and I got hired at Favors. I also told her about The Beat and she said to bring in copies. I told her they were topless, so she could either get a copy of her own or I’ll show her one of mine.

I also could swear I heard keys jingling outside my door earlier while I was watching Poltergeist. Maybe it was next door, cuz Scott’s had plenty of time and he'd never enter with me in here. I never heard the key go into the door either.

Nervous is supposedly broken up with Linda and is now either friends with or dating a girl named Crystal. Two different nights, she answered his phone. Nervo was shocked to hear Laurie H's a lesbian, cuz he, as well as others, say she's married and pregnant. She's a closet butch and I told him earlier I’d send the tape of her and Andy, along with her so-called confession about a girl named Donna.

The ballet journal came with 2 little heart-shaped keys. One will go to Fran and the other will go to Nervo. I don’t need them. They're also getting my journal stuff I did up on the computer. Any stuff I don't want them to read goes in no-postage-necessary envelopes.

Tomorrow I hope to get the 50 love stamps I ordered.

I must call the bank for a photocopy of the check I sent for address labels. I never got them, but that's ok, cuz now I need new ones anyway with this apartment number.

I got a $19 killer outfit from the same girl who goes to the Mile High to sell stuff. She says it's still dead and it always will be till they fold under. It's a deep royal blue 1-piece. The top's like a tank top, connected to what looks exactly like a short, wide skirt, which is really shorts.

Back in 1989, my dad got me a gorgeous floral skirt at Steiger’s in Longmeadow, but it's ripped. Alyssa at work is a seamstress and she says she'll fix it for $5. Cool.

I ordered a meatball grinder and a big chef salad. Boy, I needed that.

I spoke to Dad earlier and updated him on my life.

7/7/1993 Wed. 4:03 AM

I rearranged my photo albums earlier. I sent my parents a postcard from a family we met while I was having ear surgery in 1978 in Boston. They were from Caracas, Venezuela. They spoke no English and back then and I spoke no Spanish. I could never translate what they wrote on the back of the picture till I learned Spanish. It's not much, but they said: Recuerdos de Boston, Noris familia - junio 1978 - Caracas, Venezuela.

Translation: Memories of Boston, Noris family - June, 1978 - Caracas, Venezuela.

5:12 AM

I can't sleep yet, so I’ll write a bit, then listen to music.

I finished edit tape #2 for Tom, who's now sick with the stomach flu.

A few days ago (I don't remember how the subject came up), I was mentioning how to call information state by state. You use whatever the area code is where you're calling, then dial 555-1212. He began to laugh his ass off, saying 555 is in the movies. Of course, I went to his phone and proved him wrong.

I left a message about who I’m sending copies of my picture to in the "Beat Off."

I also read him part of “Saundra’s” story that I wrote.

Tom used to work at the post office and he goes there all the time, so he's gonna bring in the huge mailbag I’m sending Tammy and the girls. I would never even try to guess how many stamps to put on, so it'll be better this way. I sent old shirts, skirts, bathing suits, a necklace and those 5 posters I colored with markers on the black velvet background. I’ll have to refill the space on the master bedroom wall where they were.

I’m gonna call the bank tomorrow and also see if Montgomery/Ward will shoot a picture tomorrow night. If they can't get me in so soon, I’m seeing Andy’s new place either way. It'd be better for Tom to take me there, plus they could meet, but our schedules clash. Tom has a set night schedule, Andy has a set day schedule, and my night schedule's always different.

Andy’s gonna give me $70, plus a nice shirt and Andi’s (Andrea’s) tax thing that says she owes the IRS a little over $100.

I almost cried earlier, cuz I miss Gloria’s pictures that my mom just had to up and ditch. I think there'll always be a bit of bitterness in me cuz of it. I don't think I can ever fully forgive her for a stunt like that.

I have a few old and ugly pictures of myself that I no longer want. Also, some shitty drawings from when I first began. They're ready for the next NPN envelope available.

I went back as far as journal 36 and counted all the taped-in pages of Bob's envelopes or stuff I typed. There are 66, but there could be a few more in the earlier ones. Sure wish I could have journal 1 to the current one all in different styles of print from the computer. Maybe someday.

7/8/1993 Thurs. 3 AM

Yesterday morning, I didn't fall asleep till 10:30! I set my alarm for 4:30, but kept hitting the snooze till 7:30.

Andy didn't get here till 10:30. He did not want me to see his place cuz he says it's trashed. His brother sent his stereo, so he's got boxes all over. He loves his new place but says all the people who work there are incredibly rude. There's a guy above him too, who has two little kids running around like crazy here and there. Especially on weekends. The office said they'd do whatever they could, even evict him if the problem continued. Then, a day later, he said they said, "Well, we know him. He's a good friend of ours."

As if to say - fuck you. So he's gonna have me call there and say I used to live there, and I want their main office address to write in great things. Then, he'll write in how he feels and sign it.

I’ve been having unfortunate vibes about him being unhappy there, despite how much he loves his apartment. He says there are car alarms always going off, people always park in fire and handicap lanes and blast their music.

He brought us stuff from McDonald’s as well as $70. He also gave me a gorgeous shirt. It's of rayon-type material with bright neon colors streaking through a black background. He gave me 4 no-postage-needed envelopes, a funny tax form thing, Andrea’s tax bill for $174, Stevie's address and an address and phone number for two different things.

The same agency (Carefree Records) is looking for female models for CD covers, videos and whatever else. Also, a wealthy investor is looking for talent (I guess that means singers).

I’m on-call tomorrow, then I work the next 4 nights.

At 7:30 yesterday morning, I left Stacey’s edits on the VV machine. At 9:00 Andy, Sarah and I were on the phone. Andy decided to call her and thank her for being a credit reference for when he rented the CD player. Also, to see if she'd say anything.

Paula quit, but as Katrina (Paula’s replacement) answered, we could hear her and Judy saying, "That's weird!"

It’s just our luck that Stacey’s on vacation this week. I’ll do it again next week and I’ll make it even better. The part where she says, "It's our goal to provide you with the best service," will be replaced with, "It's our goal to provide you with nothing." I know I have Nervous saying the word "nothing" around here somewhere. I’ll use him for that word.

Speaking of Nervo, I spoke to him last evening. He really does believe those nude computer prints are of me. I told him to expect The Beat, the tape, and letters, and I updated him on my life.

I laughed when he said he'd never waste his money on a computer, cuz all it is is a glorified typewriter.

Yeah, sure.

He said Linda moved to Kentucky and now he's dating Crystal. From her telling me they're just friends, and by the sound of her voice, I doubt they're dating.

Andy agreed that my tan looks natural, but my feet are too white and the palms of my hands are too dark.

I gave him about 20 bars of soap, cuz I like gel soap better.

3:45 AM

After I spoke to Nervous, I called Kim. She's still having Bob problems. She was over at his place recently and he asked her if she'd make love to him. She told him she didn't know whether to laugh or to kill him. She's expecting a please-forgive-me letter any moment.

Why does she go see him? I know she only does once in a great while, but if she's so fed up with him, why does she bother?

She and Alex aren't always getting along. She says he's quite emotional. She still hopes to get out here by the fall, but I’ll still have to see it to believe it.

Bob will never move out here. He's the type to consider things out loud but never do them. I’ll tell him this in my next letter, cuz come on. Does he think I’m stupid? Shockingly, I’ve received no letters from him lately. Probably too depressed. Kim hasn't sent the letter I wrote to him from “Nick Roberts.” She says she will this week from Vermont.

I still have to call the bank and get my picture taken one of these days.

I’m gonna get my period any minute. I’m sooooo bloated. My tits are killing me and I have slight cramps that tell me it's on its way. I’ll have to cut the tampon cord at work. Fun, huh?

5:06 AM

I just made popcorn and listened to music. I even sang a little. Soon I must take my meds.

I called Heather, who trimmed my bangs when I first got here. Her husband answered and I left my number. I need 2" trimmed. It hasn't been trimmed in 9 months and the ends are very split. It's getting a bit scraggly looking.

Tom gets in at 8:00 and I told him to call. Whether or not I’ll be up, who knows?

I realized something if I ever get a binding system. That is, there's plenty of room on the sides of the paper after you print whatever on it to punch holes in, then put it in a 3-ring notebook. There's a 2" margin on both sides, but you can adjust that too, however you want it.

God! I want a computer and a printer badly! Will I have my very own within a year? I sure hope so, but I don't ever count on anything till it's been done.

I owe only $55 this week in fees, but I sure hope I make great money Friday - Monday. I want to get the $100 paid to the office, the $89 to APS and $50 to Tom. I need groceries, too. I have to ask my dad about taxes. Lea tells the tax guy how much each girl made quarterly. I guess I must file at the end of the year. Does this mean I’ll owe money? Especially since all my money's made in cash? If I end up owing, will it be a ton of money?

I’ve done 17 journals since I got here, but of course, it's more like 13 or 14 cuz of large print, drawings and other odds and ends.

Andy also brought me 25 pages or so from a 100-page chain letter his friend Donna got. I sent 5 pages in a no-postage-necessary envelope and 20 to Nervo.

Boy, do I look real tan! Wish I got this stuff a long time ago. Well, I’ll never be white again, but I must get plastic gloves. I look as if I have a black person's hands. Wouldn't it just be wonderful, though, if this stuff were permanent and never faded? I’m even surprised the stuff's stayed on this long.

I must go get my meds and make myself coffee, which I haven't had all day.

I’ll finish this journal in a little while, then begin with 41, the one with ballet slippers.

5:48 AM

I just took my meds and had coffee. Just tried to call Tammy, too. It rang and rang and rang. Not even their machine came on. Where the hell are they? I wish they were on their way to see me. When in the hell will my family ever get out to see me? Will it be years? I hope not.

11:36 AM

I am now listening to a tape of Nervous, Fran, and Andy and I’m putting it on Tom's machine. Later, I may do some editing. I’ve got tons of stuff to edit.

I set the alarm for 4:30, but I hit the snooze till 5:30, then I called into work. Everyone was there.

I spoke to Tom briefly at 6:00. He's picking me up from work tomorrow. Then, we may come back here so I can get shit I don't want to lug into work with me. I may stay over at his house Friday - Sunday night.

I briefly spoke to Andy and I watched TV.

For 3 days now, I’ve been trying to reach Tammy, but there's no answer. I called Mom (Dad was out playing cards). I said how much I miss everyone and she said that maybe she and Dad could come see me next spring or summer. Who knows when Tammy and the girls will ever get here?

Mom gave me the same story I get from her every year. She's sending me old pictures. Yeah, right. Then, she said she was keeping pictures of me. She said something about sending me pictures of my apartment. Which apartment? I’ve only had 9. Then she said she was sending an envelope, then changed it to a package. I wish she'd send my Gloria pictures.

7/9/1993 Fri. 1:33 AM

Well, I ended up looking through my journals, rather than editing. I left messages on Andy’s and Tom's machines. I’m so fucking bored! I just don't feel like editing right now. I feel like doing stuff on the computer and I wish Tom didn't have such long hours and I wish Andy worked nights.

I hope I make good money over the next 4 nights at work. I must remember to bring Alyssa the skirt she says she'll fix.

I never got a call back from Heather about trimming my hair. I’ll try again some other time. I know she just had a baby, so maybe she's busy.

Guess I’ll go listen to music now, even though I’m in the mood to write. Days will go by when tons of shit happens, but I’m not in the mood to write. I’m in the mood now, but I’m all caught up and there's nothing to write.

Today, since my stamps didn't come, I only mailed the NPN envelopes. I mailed two plates in the name of Rachel Davis to Tom's but of course, they're for me.

Gloria’s Greatest Hits, along with her new all-Spanish album, Mi Tierra, wasn't in the record club applications in the TV Guide. Tammy asked me to send her some, so I used the name Kelly something and sent her some. Then there were 3 out of 4 NPN envelopes Andy gave me. One had part of that chain letter. One had an old, ugly picture and drawing. The other had phone numbers and addresses I copied into my phonebook. Here, I have about 6 envelopes to mail to Nervous. One has the tape of Andy and Laurie H. Also, there are letters to Fran, Mom and Dad, Scott and other stuff I can't think of now. I sure hope my stamps come tomorrow and I still have to call the goddamn bank.

I’ll be at Tom's for most of the next 4 days and I won't be taking this journal. I’ll update it on the computer, copy it in and send it off to Fran, Nervous, or whoever the hell I want.

5 AM

I am still wide awake and thinking of my pictures. God, do I miss them! I wish she really did keep them (of course out of spite) but she planned to send them within a year. I’m sure she really threw them out, though. I’ll never forgive her for that, let alone ever be able to forget. But how great it'd be if I got a package which was large enough to hold them all, opened it up and there they were! Yeah, right. Dream on. First, she said it was an envelope, then a package. Well, if I open my mailbox to see a regular envelope, I’ll know they're not there. They'd be too big.

Many, many years ago, when I was into Charlie’s Angels, I supposedly got in big trouble. She said she ditched all my scrapbooks of them, but it turned out that she kept them. She only said that out of spite and to scare me and depress me.

7/15/1993 Thurs. 2:07 AM

Well, today is Linda’s birthday. I forget exactly how old she is.

Been through a lot of shit lately, and since I can't sleep, I figured it'd be a good time to write.

Favors let me go last week, so I’m back in the same old shit again. Lea let me go, saying business is slow. That's true, but why the fuck did she hire me if she knew this? She said she was letting others go too, but I don't know who.

So anyway, I still got my picture in The Beat and it was ok. I’ve sent copies to my parents, Tammy, Nervous, and Keri wanted a copy.

Backing up in order of events, well, I got that package of pictures. Tammy said she got one, too. Great. I wonder just how many other old and very ugly, embarrassing pictures of me that Ma has. They were mostly my nieces. Some were of Mom and Dad and some old, pitiful ones of me. I threw them in an NPN envelope. There were some various nature scenes and an old one at the beach. Dad was sitting at the beach all wet and sandy. Behind him, all holding pails, were me (at age 5), Andy, and what I think are my first cousins, Lori and Lisa, who are sisters. I also noticed this picture was torn in half. Must've been Andy’s parents, Larry or one of the many people they fought with.

She sent back my apartment pictures from 2001, but none with me. I’m gonna send them to Nervo.

Tomorrow night, Andy’s taking me to audition at the Excalibur, and win or lose, I’m gonna see his place.

7/20/1993 Tues. 7:45 AM

I have quite a bit of updating to do, so I’m gonna try to do it as quickly as I can cuz I have some letters to copy in.

I had a nice talk with Lisa yesterday, as well as with Tammy. Tom was here when I called her and I said, “Guess what I did to Tom?”

Tammy goes, "Well, you didn't have sex with him."

No, but I rubbed a cotton ball all over the stubble on his face!

Tammy got the package but said 90% of the stuff no one could use.

Speaking of K.D. Lang, the other day at the pool, she was amazingly calm.

Andy’s had some chats with Ellie, but I must remain quiet when on 3-way, otherwise she'll hang up.

Dad was bitching at me over a call he got from a collection agency. I’d hung up on him for going off on me for various stupid reasons. Our credit is fucked up now for 7-10 years. For me, it doesn't matter as I couldn't afford a house anyway. Not with the business I’m in being so unpredictable. Plus, there are more bills and responsibilities.

8:55 AM

I’m gonna call Andy back in 5 minutes. We called Andrea at work and next, he's gonna call Stacey. He'll thank her for giving him good references and I’ll edit what I can from that, as well as put the other stuff on the machine there. Yesterday I recorded Tom saying the word "nothing." I let her say, "Our goal is to provide you with," then Tom filled it in with "nothing."

9:32 AM

Andy’s on the phone now talking to Ellie.

Andy briefly spoke to Stacey. It was pretty funny. At the end, Stacey said she was tied up. Andy asked if Judy untied her.

Andy’s been harassing Crystal a lot, so it turns out. I didn't even know this. That's Scott’s girlfriend and of course, it'll piss him off.

Shortly after 9:00, I got a message from a detective for me to call him, but I doubt it was a detective and I ain't calling no one I don't know.

11:10 AM

In between phone calls, I’m going to write.

Keri has a copy of me in The Beat. She really liked it and she asked me for a copy. Andy said he thought about that and wondered why I don't do anything. Well, I’m attracted to Keri and I’m pretty sure she's attracted to me, but what can I do? People who work here aren't allowed to mingle with tenants as far as I know. If I knew she was leaving, I might speak up, but there's nothing else I can do. Maybe if she did not work here and was single, something would happen, but this is how it always is. This is one of the reasons why, more and more, I realize that I’m not a woman's woman. Yes, I like women. That'll never change, but I think whoever's up there wants me with men. There's a reason why they're all I can get (other than butches). I was always taught that when you can't get what you really want, you should try for the next best thing.

With each day that goes by, I’m more and more comfortable and impressed with Tom. So far, the inside of him I like 100%. He's a great person. Totally unlike your average person, let alone the average male. No lust whatsoever on the outside, but he has beautiful eyes. I won't make any decisions overnight and he's not pushing me in any direction either. He respects the fact that I’m not sure yet whether or not to settle. I may give it a little more time to continue seeing that I’ll never have lust, but every 1-2 years. Then, in time, perhaps he won't be such a major settlement. He's no Ron or even a Brenda. I feel so relaxed with him. I can totally be myself. He's so calm and never tries to change me. He understands my fears and doubts, though, and knows I don't want to get trapped in anything that may be hard to get out of. He knows I also believe that sex can kill a friendship. He agrees that's true for most people, but I don't think he believes that for us. He's one of the very few guys I believe would never cheat on a woman, but he doesn't want an open relationship.

I explained the DES to him and said I was too small for penetration. I asked if he could live without that. He said absolutely yes if he loved the woman, and there's way more to sex than that.

Well, right now I don't know what to do, but while I’m still young, I don't want to waste my time waiting for lust to come around once a year or so. It may be time to settle, but I’ll never live with anyone, get married or have kids.

I feel like I’ve known Tom forever, but a reality check says I’ve known him only two months. Maybe within a year, or by the end of ’93, I’ll settle. It will take time and guts. I’m not brave enough or ready yet, but I am determined to learn to settle (within reason). Never could I settle with just anyone.

Yesterday, Tom and I went to the Excalibur. He waited outside. Not that he couldn't handle me in only a G-string, cuz he's seen me that way before, but he's just not a bar person. He has some coworkers who go in there and his friend Wendy used to work there.

I’m gonna work Wed-Sat from 7 PM – 1 AM. I was gonna be Brandy, but someone has that name, so I’m back to Mystery.

1:22 PM

Boy, this day's getting better and better by the minute.

Well, true to my feelings, that guy was no detective. He left two dirty messages for Andy. They were funny, though. Before he called Andy, I sure got freaked out when there was a knock at my door. I didn't move till I heard my door open, then, "Maintenance!" Bill changed my AC filter.

The guy who called Andy and me was associated with Crystal.

And now here's more Keri news. I called to tell her I had several bottles of perfume to get rid of due to my allergies. I didn't want to toss them out and she was the only one I could think of who might want them. I brought them to the office and she said, "Perfect timing." She was very pleased and we chatted for nearly 10 minutes. She's now promoted to manager. I said that she'd be a great friend if one of us left here. She wholeheartedly agreed. I also think she may be pregnant again, too.

She asked about work and stuff in general. She said, "Well, hopefully someone will see you in The Beat and say, “We want her!"

Speaking of wild fantasies, it'd sure be nice if she called to say, "Now that I’m manager, your rent's only $400."

Even if we could be friends, who knows if we'd end up in bed?

Last week I spoke to Frances (Alyssa). She was bitching out her sister, but we did have a cool talk for over an hour. She did say she was bi, as I figured.

Yesterday, Tom and I also went to a restaurant, got that blood work done, got my Theodur refill and got some groceries. I ran out of the Azmacort inhaler and am trying to do without it. So far, so good.

I’m making Tom a bracelet out of that flossy-like yarn, as well as more edits and a few Bonnie Raitt songs he likes.

Kim left a message the other day and played me Bob's message. He got his letter from Nick R and he was crying and bitching about it. Kim says maybe I can edit him, but it's so muffled. I got a letter from him about it and I’ll mail it to Kim. Kim says she mailed me a letter, as well as one she got from Bob. I got two yesterday from Bob and guess who also wrote me? Fran! Can you believe it? Finally! He actually writes better than I thought, but he did have a few funny mistakes. I’ll soon copy it in as he wrote it.

I called Fran last night, then he called Nervo. He was in his mood and after cussing at him, he hung on silently for a while. Long enough to hear Tom, whom I called. Tom finally got to talk to Fran. Fran also called his local crisis center where I complained about seeing cacti and palm trees.

5:36 PM

Shortly after I last wrote, I got a call from my doctor's office. My white blood cell count's too high. Probably a urinary infection and my stomach's been killing me and I’m very bloated. Tom came over, I played him the convos of Andrea and Stacey, went there, took a leak and came back. I must return to the vampire next week to see if there's any change in my white blood cell count.

On my way up here, I met the couple who moved in next door. They said they moved in today, but I didn't hear a thing. They're a young couple, both good-looking, named Brian and Amanda. Amanda’s pretty good-looking. They sort of look like partiers, but I hope not. They look like the type to have lots of loud company and fights but I’ll try not to judge till I see.

June 1993

6/10/1993 Thurs. 6 AM

As of yesterday, I’ve been here for a year. I feel as if I’ve accomplished so much as well as nothing at the same time.

Well, L.A. was all one big fucking con. Just one big fucking joke. I’m right back where I’ve always been with my singing - nowhere. I’m both shocked and not shocked. I’m not shocked cuz I really believe God doesn't want me to have my dream or anything else that really matters to me. I’m shocked cuz Scott’s the last person I ever thought would be a con artist.

Well, I hope Scott’s really fucking happy. I rearranged my whole fucking schedule and got all psyched up over nothing. He knew exactly what he was doing and intended this from day one. The anger, frustration, anxiety and depression over this are gonna last quite a while. I’m not gonna ever let myself lose this bitterness for the sake of protecting myself. I hope he knows he's made just as much of an ass of himself as he has of me. You don't know how it's been one hell of an ordeal to restrain myself from going over there and bashing his head. He obviously knows this as he's not called or come over. He's chicken shit and no doubt very embarrassed.

He'll get his, though, and I’ll write more about it later.

6/12/1993 Sat. 6:50 AM

Continuing with Scott - well, he's gonna get a tape, but not till Andy gets his stuff back (his VCR & tape recorder). Keri left a note on his door to bring his stuff to the office and he hasn't. Andy’s gonna take legal action since Scott’s continuing to play his favorite game of never doing anything he says he's gonna do.

My Friendship is his loss. As I said, he knew exactly what he was doing. With all the things he told me about his life and himself, who knows what was really true and what was bullshit? He and Steve (the guard who turned out to be a complaining, whining asshole) would make great lovers if they were gay. They're both so unstable and insecure and Steve goes from sweet and kind one minute to flipping out the next. They're great for each other. They can't impress people with the truth; they've got to lie to feel as if they've impressed you.

I know this wasn't an issue of sex for Scott as he's happy with Chris, so he says. Andy called her to tell her to tell him to leave his stuff in the office and she blew a fuse. She denied any relationship with Scott, but I think she was just covering for him.

The tape speaks my mind as well as lets him know that I’m a firm believer in what goes around comes around. I’d love for him to come face me. If he's so tough and not a wimp, why won't he face me? The guy's never home and the few times I knocked when there were lights on and I knew he was home, he was too chicken to open the door.

I left a message with his father, which was, “All in due time.”

I just left Andy a message that I know my VCR’s a piece of shit, but he could have it if he wants it.

Now, there are certain things I don't think are Scott’s style, but I also didn't think it was his style to be a con artist, so I changed my locks. Maintenance did it for $25. I’m 99% sure he'd never enter while I was here and 98% sure he wouldn't while I was gone, but why take any chances? He could come in to take back the TV, but for what he's put me through, he owes me this much. Along with the couch. Believe me, though, I wish he would come in with me here. He's too chicken to even call, let alone face me in person.

I also was sure to put lots of lies on the tape, exactly what I got from him.

So far, Tom's been a great Friend. It looks as if he's gonna stay that way, but who knows? Who knows what the future holds? This is what Tammy said too, who is just as pissed at Scott as I am. No, I never thought I’d live here and find a job I liked, but my dream is 100% hopeless. Why waste my money on a demo like Andy says? The same con games will happen.

7:45 AM

I haven't been to work in a week cuz Scott fucked my schedule up with his games. Also, I’ve been wanting to get out of the Mile High cuz it's so dead. Tom's gonna take me to audition at the Candy Store. At 3:00, when the Mile High opens, I’ve got to go clean out my locker. My latex, heels and several costumes are there. The guy at the Candy Store said I could come in any time and easily cut $100 a night. Let's hope so. Many have said it's good money there and it's the same distance away. They have the same long killer shifts Sha Na Na's did from 11 AM-6 PM & 6 PM-1 AM. You don't have to work a minimum of 4 days or nights, though, which is cool. I’d like to hopefully get Thursday, Friday and Saturday from 6 PM to 1 AM. I do have a good vibe about money there.

The name Mystery has got to go. I wanted a unique name, but it's too far out. I’m sick of "What's your name? History? Misery? Are you a mystery?"

I think I may go by Shawnee. No, it'll be spelled Shaunee.

I only owe $97.35 for this month's rent. All my other bills are paid.

Jamie (Gail) called while I was at the pool. She wanted to know where I’ve been.

I’ll write more later.

6/13/1993 Sun. 11:30 AM

Tom will be here any minute. I don't have time to write about everything right now. But I can say this - I was hired at the Candy Store yesterday with no audition! Neat, huh? I’m on my way over there till 6:00, then I’ll be working Thursday - Saturday.

6/15/1993 Tues. 3:11 PM

Boy oh boy, do I have a lot of updating. Last Sunday, I worked at the Candy Store from noon to 5 PM and made $39, even though it was dead due to the basketball finals. There were things I liked and disliked. The Mile High is definitely the nicest-looking club. It's nice and roomy and so were the dressing room and bathroom. The dressing room at the Candy Store's too damn small. Even smaller than Sha Na Na's.

Last Saturday, I called Mark at the Mile High and told him what happened with Scott and L.A. He was very understanding about it. He told me John and some of his friends were looking for me. Wait till I tell John, who's gonna want to kill Scott as much as I do. His pager's been disconnected, so I can't contact him. I told Steve and Mark and Pete to tell him to call me if they see him.

I told Meagan to give Tiffany my number. She's having a costume altered for me.

Steve’s gonna pick me up from work, and Alicia, a neighbor, may bring me in. I’ll get to her later, but Pete was encouraging me to come back and was bashing the Candy Store. He said anytime I wanted to return, I could. That's cool to know.

I want to give the Candy Store a chance and see how the money is there. I really do think it'll be better. I’ll be working every other Sunday. Then from 6 PM-1 AM and every Thursday, Friday and Saturday from 6 PM-1 AM.

The Candy Store does look nice, though. It's all mirrors and lights and so far the girls seem ok. There are two stages. You do two sets per stage and that sucks, but oh well. If I make more money there, it'll be worth it.

Tom took me to both places, but he said he'd stay in the car since he's straight and attracted to me.

He and I tried to fix my typewriter and we couldn't. It's getting worse too, and I believe very soon I’ll need to go to another pawnshop.

There are several things I need and want.

Tammy told the 3 different credit card companies trying to collect the thousands she owes that she moved here. She gave them my name, number and address, and I keep telling them she's sending money soon when they call. She got a job as a security guard and says she'll send them money soon.

Andy moved and he loves his apartment but says his neighbors can be noisy. I had a bad feeling about that.

He came over yesterday and brought over the straightening iron from Velma. I like it and it's even easier to use than the crimping iron. It's quicker, I mean.

I gave him a new spare key.

Sometime soon, I have to make another appointment with Montgomery/Ward. Andy says it'll be no problem taking me there cuz he lives right near there.

I also have a new female doctor (Dr. Wilcox) and I have to see her. I must get my teeth cleaned, too.

I must start saving money for various things. A bedroom set, a fan on a stand. Maybe an entertainment center someday. New swimsuits, new sneakers, new blank videos, CDs and I’m sure there's some other stuff I’m forgetting.

I spoke with both my parents a while ago and it was ok, but I know soon enough they'll be back to their same old shit. My mother did shock me, though, by admitting she did fuck up as a mother.

I never sent Ma a birthday card, but I sent Dad a Father’s Day card.

A few weeks ago, I was listening to this radio station with two male DJs and one female named Jamie. The guys were picking on her, saying she had PMS, so they set up a hotline. Naturally, the guy callers took the guy's side and the women sided with Jamie. Jamie asked one female caller if she had a husband or a boyfriend and she said, "No, but I have a wife and a girlfriend."

I turned around and called and asked Jamie if she had a husband or boyfriend. She said yes. I said she oughta consider dating a woman cuz they're more sensitive.

Can you believe 20 minutes later, they put that on the air, too?

6/16/1993 Wed. 5:47 PM

I just got through talking to Andy, who was very depressed. He hates his job and most of his coworkers.

Before talking to Andy, I spoke with Tom. He says he's trying to think of something marketable for my edits with a possibility of money being made, too. Sometimes I gotta go check his new house out and all his different computers.

Next Monday at 1:45, I have to see Dr. Wilcox. Tom's taking me.

I’m gonna edit Tom soon, as well as Stacey. In 10 minutes, the office closes at the VV. I’ll record her outgoing message, edit it, then put it on the office machine.

Andy called her on Monday cuz they ripped off part of his deposit money, which figures. I listened silently as typical Stacey had her mind made up and wouldn’t budge. Then I called and said she was a bitch. She giggled and said, "Jodi, I’ve already turned your name over to collections."

I said fine and laughed, then she hung up. No mention of Bob's letter that I sent her. Sarah’s going to get Bob's next letter. Sarah’s given Andy and me her VM code, so we call here and there and pick up her messages.

US West really pissed me off last week. I mean, this fucking phone company is so fucked up. I never ordered the removal of my caller ID blocks (it blocks my name and number from others with caller ID). They did anyway, cuz I got a call from a Steven P. I called the number back, and there were 3 or 4 kids. A girl named Robin was trying to call her Friend Meagan, and her number is one digit off from mine. So I crossed them a few times, then I heard the boy (the girl's brother) say, “I have her name and number.” So naturally, I’m thinking, the hell you do. But then he said my name and I was like, fuck you, US West! I bitched them out and now I’m re-blocked.

Still no word or call from asshole Scott, but I left the tape by his door. Hope he enjoys it.

I’m working the next 3 nights and I can't wait to see how the money is. A girl named Alicia, whom I met, who lives here, says she'll drive me in. I’ll write more about her later.

I need to give Tom $20 and the office $97.35.

6/25/1993 Fri. midnight

I have quite a bit to discuss and some of it isn't cool.

The Candy Store hired me on the 12th. Up front, they promised me I could work nights. Friday night, I made $141! Then these idiots had the nerve to tell me I couldn't come back but was welcome to their club in Bullhead City. That's 4 hours away! They offered to drive me and pay for my food and hotel, but I’d be gone for weeks at a time. Away from all my stuff. No thanks. This is legit, though, as other dancers said they've done it before, too. Bullhead City is deader than dead. Finally, they told me I could stay with them if I worked days. Fuck that!

Last night, I called Centerfolds, only to not be told what I should've been told over the phone. Instead, Andy came all the way over here, I got all decked out, only to go there and be told they had too many night shift girls. I told them over the phone I’d only work nights. There were a lot of girls in there, too, of all different types. Some were bigger, some were smaller. They also own Band-Aids and they told me I’d be hired there, but it's too far away.

Then, Andy checked the New Times. Everything was so far away, but I called a place called Favors that does private room dancing. The girl there said they usually make $500 - $900 a week, but it's 25 minutes away. I called the cab company and asked how much the fare would be, and I was told $15. You have to work 5 days a week, so both ways would be $150 a week in cab fare! This is crazy.

I also called an ad for a model, but the guy said it'd be only once a week for two hours and only $10 an hour.

My last choice and only choice is to return to the Mile High. However, with the way everyone's been going back on their word with me, I’m afraid they'll do that too, even though I’ve been told I could return if I wanted or needed to. While I was talking to Tammy, I was talking to Mark and he said to call him tomorrow. This tells me something scary. Where the fuck do I go if he contradicts me, too? I’ll just have to call tomorrow and hope for the best. I’ll pray to God, but I don't know if I believe in that or if it'll work.

I just called the Mile High and now fucking Mark is going back on his word, too! That motherfucker!

I just paged Steve and he's checking into the name of a possible nearby escort service, but he doesn't know if it's still open. He also may know in a week if he's gonna be running some other escort service. If I were to try Favors, he said he'd cut 1/3 of the fare and have his day driver take me in and he'd take me home. The last possibility is Highlighters. I called them and they're accepting applications. So, it'll be either Favors, an escort service Steve will run, Highlighters, or this other one that's closer if it's open.

I’m really fucking pissed at the Candy Store and the Mile High. Every time I get something set up that's good for me as far as money and schedules, someone just has to come and fuck it all up. I would've done really well working nights at the candy store, but it's their loss, too. They're losing someone good.

There are other possibilities, but they're way in the future if they ever happen. It has to do with Tom and his computers and maybe my music and or edits. He's been working these 12-hour killer shifts and he wants to change jobs. Computers are his thing. He mentioned something about how he designs the instructions for Nintendo games and would need to use my ear for certain pitches. We'll see, but in the meantime, he has a computer hooked up to a keyboard, so what music you play is printed out, so you don't have to write it. He's also checking into getting my songs sold once and for all. If he can figure out how to get that started, I’ll take it from there.

Andy asked why in the world I want to sell my songs and get so little while someone else could make millions? Well, I’m never gonna be rich and famous and sing my songs, so why not let someone else do it? Little money's better than no money.

I just went to call Andy, but he's either on the phone or has it off the hook, as it only rang once.

Tom took me to see my new doctor last Monday. She was nice, but sometime before I go back, I must have blood work done. Fun, huh?

I also have to make an appointment at Montgomery/Ward to have my picture taken, but these things aren't my top priority now.

I haven't edited Stacey’s message yet to put on the machine over there, but on the 16th, Judy left a message. She only said that if this was still my number, please call her back. She never left a reason. It's probably over the rent they say I owe that I don't owe. It could also be to question me about Bob's letter, but how could they tie that to me? All they can do is suspect me.

Speaking of the VV, well, there were two guys shot over there a few days ago. They arrested a guy I don't know. In fact, Andy called up Judy to ask about it. She said the people who were shot don't even live there, and no residents were involved.

I edited Tom the other day and he sure got a kick out of it. He and I get along so well (for now). He does seem understanding of how hard it is for me to trust people and why, but right now, at this moment, we have a great friendship. He's very sensitive and even though we're complete opposites, we don't try to change one another. Opposites almost never get along. So far, he's kept his word on things and he says he's treating me to a trip to Vegas in about 4 weeks, but I still have to see it to believe it, as much as I think he's telling the truth. He said, "Ok, I understand. I like to prove myself anyway."

DES sent a letter for an appointment for food stamps. Then, they turned around and sent a change report form, and I said I could do it by mail. I’ll try, but it'll be hit or miss.

I still have to see Andy and Tom's new place. Andy says he likes it where he is, but the guy above him stomps 24 hours a day. Well, I can't say I pity him, as whoever lives below him is hearing the same thing from him.

Andy’s gonna rent a camcorder one of these days soon, so we can film our apartments and surroundings for our families. We'll split the cost.

A few days ago, Andy was here, and guess who he ran into as he was driving out? Driving in front of him was none other than the conman himself. They ended up talking for an hour and a half. Andy began to follow him, and so they pulled over to talk right by my old apartment.

He swears up and down that he's gonna give Andy his stuff back this Saturday, but we know he's full of shit. He's a head player. He likes to promise shit he's never gonna do and he obviously loves to go to court. The head player swears he never had any intentions of conning me, but I know that's BS too. He said he has canceled plane tickets as proof. He bitched that I was supposed to have trusted him to take me on the 7th, and cuz I called Steve twice, he canceled it. Yeah, right. Great excuse. He mentioned my calling his father, but I didn't do that till after the 7th. He said I called Pepsi but that's BS cuz I don't even know who to call. I know they're not listed as Pepsi. Probably some kind of machine repair service, but there are so many. Andy said that we both know he never intended to take me to L.A., and that he doesn't know Bill. Naturally, he denied it as well as the letter I got in the mail two days ago.

It was addressed to "Slut" and it said: Dear Jodi: You sick, ugly, dancing whore. We all know where you live. Your Caller ID won't save you. The police will be by to escort you back to Mass. where you belong. Love???

Very few people know I have caller ID and what happened in MA. Of everyone I know, this is Scott’s style, and perfect timing, too. It could've been Steve too, as they're tight together. They're an "item." It could've been someone at the VV, but I highly doubt it and I’ll get into why I doubt it in a moment. The thing of it is, though, they addressed it to the other apartment, #2001. I’ll bet Scott couldn't remember the new #2067 number off the top of his head, so he wrote 2001 knowing it'd be forwarded here. He was probably too terrified to chance running into me if he came by here. I doubt Scott wrote it, as it's too neat for a male to have written. I’ll bet he had Crystal write it.

I doubt Stacey had anything to do with it, but there's a slim possibility. She could've gotten my forwarding address, suspected me of Bob's letter, and done it. She never liked me, especially in the beginning, and she's very serious, old-fashioned and very narrow-minded. She would be the type to hate dancers; she knows I have caller ID and she knows about MA.

The only other possibilities are Donna and Andi over there, but they don't have the info about MA or caller ID.

It's definitely Scott and Steve, but the difference between Stacey and Keri over here is the difference between black and white. Scott and Steve are great for each other, and they can have each other, but it's only a matter of time before they both fuck each other over.

Scott said he could've sent the tape to MA and gotten me in big trouble.

Bull. He wouldn't even know who to contact and where. I also spoke to a cop for info as far as the tapes go and he says they're not admissible in court. Who the fuck knows, but I am far from worried. It'd kill his ego to go to the cops anyway. Scott’s got 3 major problems. 1. He lies. 2. He never does what he says he's gonna do. 3. He contradicts himself and/or denies things that he or others said or did.

Andy said several times he wanted to come fuck me up, but Crystal stopped him.

Yeah, right. A girl who hates me and is totally on his side is gonna stop him? The truth is, he's fucking terrified of me and we all know it.

He said, why should he help me? What's he get in return? Andy told him the truth and that's that he would've had a grateful friend and I would've helped him in any way possible.

I can sense, and have been told by Scott himself, how fucked up Crystal is. Well, they can both fuck each other over. They deserve each other.

Now here's the best of the Scott news - as far as the tape's concerned? He is fucking terrified, according to Andy! Great. I don't feel one bit guilty after all he's done to me. Andy could see how the tape had him all stressed out and scared shitless. Scott also says he's terrified I’m gonna fuck up his cars. He also says he's still having problems with Eric and the office here, as far as his apartment goes. Good. He deserves it. He can feel many of the things he’s made me feel. He's always gonna have enemies till he learns how to treat people.

In other news, I just called the Candy Store and asked for Russ. He's the owner and Omar’s cousin. I told him again I can't work days, but does he have anything open for nights yet? He told me to call him on Monday, but I can't buy anything anyone says till I see it work out. I really do want to return if nothing else comes up. The money's great there and the girls were nice.

There's this gorgeous girl there who says she's bi. I know she'll never call me, but I gave her my number anyway. There are a few girls working there that I know. Sativa (who goes by Chanelle), Rena, and none other than the gorgeous Marcella herself.

At the pool today, I met this very pretty and nice girl named Susan who's visiting from Flagstaff. She's had gay friends, but I think she's straight.

Two days ago, I met a really nice couple and their 10-year-old son at the pool.

As far as Alicia, well, I met her a couple of weeks ago, and there's no way I want to be her friend. She's more of a wacko than Ellie was. She didn't do anything to me, but I have a feeling she may if I don't avoid her. I’m surprised that she hasn't called. Anyway, we met at the pool where she lives and she reminds me so much of K.D. Lang. K.D. Lang's ugly, butchy and she's very plain. Very tall and skinny and she's bi. She's addicted to a million different medications due to anxiety, stress, depression, anger, you name it. She talks frantically non-stop and I can't get a word in edgewise. She flips from one very emotional subject to another, and no, I was never that bad myself.

6/30/1993 Wed. 7:40 PM

I am at my new job now where there's way more money, yet plenty of time to write. I now work at Favors, a half-hour away from where I live, but it's a million times better than a bar. I have so much updating to do and you'd never believe all that's happened. It's amazing. Counting me, 8 girls work here. My name here is Shauna. There are also Sarah, Alyssa, Amber, Monique (I haven't met Kayla yet), and another girl who was hired. Lea and her husband Ron are the owners. Lea dances here and there and Ron's the photographer.

May 1993

5/21/1993 Fri. 6:30 PM

My Second Crystal Creek Apartment…

Well, I just paged Steve.

I got a letter from Dad today that half upset me, half pissed me off. You know, I’m really sick of their shit — his and Ma’s.

7 PM

I have half an hour left, and boy, do I hope I make money tonight.

As far as my folks are concerned, why is it okay for them to insult me? It's okay for them to speak their minds, but I can't. I never said anyone was perfect; I’m just tired of being called a liar and all their other BS. I have no respect for my father when he sides with Mom like this, but they can't take it, so tough! I never wanted our relationship to end, but I can't deal with Mom's shit in between everything else. Even Andy said it makes him want to call and bitch them out.

Still no response from Scott. A simple call from a pay phone won't kill him.

I left a note on the guy's door downstairs. I said I tried knocking to introduce myself and got no answer. I left a note saying I work late and will try to be quiet. Let me know if my music's too loud, and don't worry if he wants to blast his.

In other news, I’ve got to call DES (food stamps) to see if I can mail the stuff they need.

I called U.S. West, and they say the problem with the crossed lines will be fixed tomorrow. I am to call back around the twenty-ninth when my bill's printed for a credit of two days. Lorna and I are still crossed today. We spoke earlier. She told me all about last night, and of course, I played dumb. She may buy my answering machine from me.

5/22/1993 Saturday

Still no sign of Scott. This is really pissing me the fuck off. Where the fuck is he? What the fuck's going on with L.A., the rent, and all the other stuff?! Mark at work said to let him know when and if I find out I’m going to L.A. Is the dream over, just when I was as sure as the fact that I’m short with waist-length hair? Was this all one big fat fucking joke? Is God gonna punish me for this first whole year in all my life of happiness? Why is there always a price to pay for happiness? I’m certainly not saying I’m miserable, but am I to pay any dues? Dues for being happy? Is this because of my get-together with Julia?

Later, I have stuff to write about Marcella (a dancer I like), money, costumes, Kindy, etc.

3 AM

What the hell, I don't have anything else better to do right now other than write.

Meagan says Marcella just moved in with her boyfriend. Great. But who knows just how happy she really is? Who knows if she's gay? Sasha and I still sense she could be. She (Sasha) had agreed a few days ago to approach Marcella and tell her about me. Just as we were coming in, Marcella was on her way out. Sasha never said a word to her. She told me to just go up and talk to her or leave her a note. She said she didn't seem to be the type to freak out and throw a shit fit if she was straight or not interested. Well, I’m not as brave as she is — not after the Maliheh incident and many others. It's not that I’m afraid of verbal rejection. I’m so used to it. I don't want to have to work with her and maybe blush with embarrassment when I see her, or have her tell the whole world and be snotty to me. It's not that I care who knows I’m gay. It's her running around saying, “That girl had the nerve to hit on me and I rejected her, ha, ha, ha!”

I envy those who see what they want and almost always get it.

4 AM

Meagan says Marcella's going to Florida for two weeks, but that if I wanted to write a note, she'd give it to her.

If she were bi and looking for a woman here and there, I’m sure God wouldn't let me get that lucky. Don't get me wrong — Ann Marie and Julia were no settlements. However, there's a difference between someone who’ll “pass” and someone who makes you think, wow, I want her big time!

Steve was telling me that he's got another regular who's a definite butch. However, she's very nice, he says, with a great personality. He said she said that I must have the same problem she does because there are not too many feminine ones out there, and that's what she goes for. Like I said, this comes as no surprise to me. Butches like fems and fems like butches. I did tell Steve he could give her my number to maybe be friends. When he picked me up after work, he said he had given it to her and she was thrilled. If she's ugly, so-so, and dyky, then yeah, I bet she's thrilled. She'll definitely call too, and come over. I bet I’ll have no trouble getting her over here, being the butch Steve says she is.

Kindy gave me her number to call her on Sunday, and I lost it!

6 AM

Yes! I’m psyched! When I got home, I couldn't get messages because of the repairs they're doing until just now. Scott actually left a message! He said he was out cold, asleep until five PM yesterday. His message was left at ten PM. He said to call when I get up and that he can move Andy on the second of June and not the first.

I made over one hundred dollars at work, and this idiot blew thirty dollars on a gorgeous black lace jacket, as well as a one-piece black and pink combo shorts and tank top. It zips right up the front and fits perfectly.

Andy gave Velma those fifteen dollars for the straightening iron, so he now only owes me one hundred thirty-five dollars.

I can't wait till he gets over his cold. I want to show him my new stuff.

I also tipped Pete ten dollars, Kevin the doorman three dollars, then there was the seven-dollar house tip and thirty-seven dollars for groceries. Oh, I also gave Steve seven dollars for waiting so patiently while I shopped.

The cashier gave me two out of the four packs of cigarettes I got for free for being “cute.”

7 AM

This is quite ridiculous. I must go to sleep within half an hour. Due to it being Saturday, I’ll put my earplug in to be on the safe side and set the alarm for two. If I get only five hours of sleep, oh well. I need to be getting up earlier.

I called Tammy, and she's gonna talk to Dad. She offered to; I didn't ask. I said okay, but these people are in their sixties. They aren't gonna change now. Tammy feels the same way about both of them.

I’m gonna try to sell Sammy and Meagan each a costume for ten dollars each. I’m also gonna try to sell Lorna my answering machine for fifteen dollars.

Well, I’m gonna go hit the sack. I want to be awake between two and three, so I can talk to Scott.

5/23/1993 Sunday

Well, I am in a great mood — far better than I was last week. It's so nice to know that I’ve had so few bad days or so-so days since I’ve been here. For twenty-six and a half years, it was ninety percent miserable. Here, it's been ninety-eight percent fantastic.

I didn't count, but I made eighty or ninety dollars tonight. I have ninety-seven dollars in cash on me in bills and lots of change.

Scott stopped in for an hour or so. It was great to see him. We're getting together on Monday.

I still can't find Kindy's number, so I hope she calls me.

I like Sasha, but she can be annoying. She knows Scott and I are good friends and that I hardly see him, but she hogs his attention.

Till 11:00, it was dead. I said to Scott I was afraid I’d end up evicted if the club didn't pick up or if no positive results came out of L.A. He laughed and said, “No, you're not. I've got tons of money coming in next month.”

We're gonna discuss it on Monday, and he also says he'll put the ceiling fan up then. We'll see.

I still have an excellent feeling about L.A. Also, believe it or not, I feel a little lust in the cards too, but why the hell I do, who knows? I’m sure it won't be with Marcella, but I sure wish it. While I’m still young, I wish to hell I could have a little more fun here and there.

There's a new dancer named Ashley at work who's pretty, but I guess she's straight.

The phone company fixed the lines today.

Tomorrow, if I don't get together with Kindy — and I highly doubt it — I’ll call Lorna. I'd like to meet her and see if she'll buy my answering machine.

I sold Sammy a costume.

I think I’ll also decorate the wall stuff and type some letters. I love this apartment. It's so quiet so far. The guy below me is so quiet, and I hear fewer kids. I have a few more things to write about later.

8 AM

Can you believe I’m still fucking up?! This pisses me off! My schedule's been doing well since I had the flu and cold. It's been fine for three months, so why it’s so hard to fall asleep now beats me.

At six thirty yesterday evening, Tom came over and attached the sleeper to the couch. He also listened to some edits and one of the Crisis Center calls where Andy and I would play the abandoned teen siblings and I’d do my crazy act, speaking senseless, disjointed sentences.

Tom took me to work and back. He's on vacation for two weeks. While he's still here, he can bring me to and from work. I'll still see him and be friends with him after he moves, though. He's gonna have a two-bedroom house with a pool. Lucky him.

He's a cool guy. He's so the “married with children” type — very mature and calm. He's thirty-five, but he appears a bit older. Completely opposite of me, yet never tries to change me or anyone else. Never the type to make prank phone calls, mail funny letters, swear so much, or be so blunt. He is very honest, though, and can handle listening to edits and stuff like that.

Earlier, I was going through all my journals and highlighting the entry dates. I'd begun doing this right before I moved to Crystal Creek. I've finished one through thirty, but I know I have bits and pieces of thirty-one through thirty-seven done.

Gotta dust, vacuum, and run through the bathroom and kitchen a bit. I really want to keep up on this place. Don't want to let it slide. Every two weeks is when I shall go through it. Once every two or three months, I’ll be really thorough — no half-assing it.

Why do I feel such a strong vibe for lust? Knowing and going by my track record, I should have a year or so to go.

Now I’m going to try really hard to fall asleep. I definitely can feel my eyelids becoming quite heavy, so bye for now.

9 PM

Right now, I am sitting on my patio. It is very, very warm out still. A slight breeze went by, but only for a second. I wish it were windier more often. I can't wait till we have more of those awesome thunder and lightning storms we usually have this time of year. The sound of the creek and waterfalls down below me is so peaceful. God, what beauty I live in!

I’m writing on the table I bought for ten dollars from that maintenance guy who was fired and moved. I have the patio light on. Thankfully, I have a patio light. I can see perfectly well.

I slept till seven! I was beat, but I hope I haven't fucked my schedule up. I still haven't done my walls either. I am doing laundry now. I'll watch two movies I taped and do some letter writing, too.

I spoke to Andy for about forty-five minutes, then went to the Jacuzzi. He's watching TV now.

I have an appointment tomorrow at 9 AM with DES. I want to see if Tom can do me a huge favor. Of course, he can't call them and say I can't be up that early because I work. I want him to say I transferred apartments, I’m very sick now, and don't have current bills and rent receipts — which is true. I’ll call them real soon and see if I can do a phone interview or mail the stuff they need.

While I was at the Jacuzzi, I found a really nice lighter, and it's full too.

I’ll have to look at the apartment map to see where Lorna's apartment is. I'll call her first, though, one of these days soon. I want to sell her my answering machine. I'm wary of her otherwise. I smell Ellie in her.

Tomorrow's the day, a year ago, that I left the NHA project. I was in Natchaug for two weeks. I’ve been through so much and accomplished so much since.

Scott says tomorrow he's putting up the ceiling fan in the bedroom. I'll believe it when I see it. I hate to say that, but it's true. Right now, though, I’m gonna throw my clothes into the dryer and watch TV.

10 PM

I’m about to watch one of the movies I taped. This one's called In the Line of Duty: Ambush in Waco. It's all about that crazy cult leader in Texas. This video has had it — it sounds as if it were underwater. Tim Daly, the guy playing David Koresh, looks exactly like the real David Koresh.

5/24/1993 Monday

I’m still wide awake, as I feared I’d be.

I spoke to Tammy earlier. We both agreed that it'd be a waste of time to try to “set things straight” with my parents. Yes, it hurts that we can't get along. What person wouldn't want to get along with their parents? However, I’m not gonna keep on running around in circles with them. I’m not at fault or deserving of Mom's bullshit. I’ll miss not telling them all about the good things going on, but it's not worth it anymore.

I hope Scott doesn't knock till two or three.

Last night, Tom and I went to the Jacuzzi. After that, I invited him here. I had coffee, and he had hot chocolate. I showed him the photo albums, drawings, and journals, and played him some tapes.

5/26/1993 Wednesday

I am on the phone right now with Andy, and believe it or not, we're calling machines. We're only calling each machine once and leaving edits on it since it’s too easy to get caught.

I am very tired right now due to the sun, but I’ll do some writing another time.

5 AM

I am sitting here wondering how the hell I’m gonna fall asleep. So instead of trying to figure that one out, I figured I’d write.

Monday, I slept from nine AM to three PM. Scott knocked at eight thirty PM. He's been working on one of his cars for the last two days.

Steve called me to ask if I’d heard from Celeste. She and her son are missing, and her mom called him. She could be with anyone, knowing how she is. Scott said she was with Joe. She's like Teresa. They can never leave the men who beat them.

Before I fell asleep yesterday morning, I called Kim. We spoke for half an hour. She's very annoyed with Bob's obsession with her. We're gonna play a joke on him. I’m sending a very threatening fuck-off message from a “Brian R” to her, and she's gonna mail it to him. I disguised my handwriting.

I’m also gonna tell him in a letter how she's thinking of moving out here. Then she'll write to me saying that. I’ll send this letter to Bob. Bob will freak out with total panic.

Late last night, Tom and I went to the Jacuzzi. Then he came over here, where once again I made him hot chocolate and played him tapes. He said he'll show me how to create edits on his computer digitally sometime. He said you can control the pitch and do all sorts of things.

Later, I’ll write all about the DJ that Andy and I spoke to and about my being on the radio.

5/27/1993 Thursday

I expect to be awake for a while longer, so I’ll write. I don't want to get backed up either.

Tomorrow I’ll mail out that letter to Bob — the one saying how Kim’s thinking of moving here. I’ve written several letters.

Scott came over earlier, so naturally the phone had to ring twice — once with Fran, then with Andy.

Andy transferred to a closer Denny’s.

While Scott was here, I played him some tapes — one of Andy, Fran, and me talking to the Crisis Center.

I made sixty-six dollars at work tonight. Amazing, huh?

Today I’ve been keeping journals for five years and seven months.

Some DJ Andy spoke to wants a copy of my edits. Last night, Andy and I spoke to Johnny at a local radio station, and he thought they were cool. DJs are cool people to talk to. I even ended up on the radio saying, “So, Johnny, when the heck are you going to be giving away courtside Suns tickets?” as he asked me to.

5/28/1993 Fri. 2:32 AM

I made $86 at work tonight, which was great. It sure beat last week, which was so dead.

I spoke to Tammy, who said she blasted Dad for the letter he wrote me. She once again went through both of our feelings. She wishes they were divorced, too.

Then, Scott came over earlier and said to take a ride with him to see why he's been so busy. We rode in a very nice Mercury Sable. One of his cars is from Michigan. He's having all his cars sent here. I saw them all lined up at some dealership that's trying to sell them for him. Believe it or not, it made me wish I could afford the car and didn't have this phobia I have with driving. I drove around the parking lot for the first time in nearly two years, then to the grocery store, then here. I felt a little shaky but it was fun. How would I ever learn to feel comfortable enough to relax and concentrate on everything around me? Scott says everyone feels like that and it's cuz I haven't driven enough. Maybe 20 times since I was 19. Scott says a minivan would be perfect for someone as short as me.

5/29/1993 Sat. 3:03 AM

I would've been going to L.A. tomorrow, but now it's the 7th of June, so I’ve been told. If I don't make it there, I’ll kill Scott.

He says he's paying $200 of my rent this month, and I worry about whether he means it. He also says he's gonna give me a canceled check to send to Sprint for proof that he paid $35.

I’m not saying Scott deliberately sets out to lie about stuff he's gonna do and that he's not busy, but he procrastinates big time.

Two months ago, I sent US West a check for $88, and it's never been cashed. I’ll have to call them about it, as well as a few days of credit for when I was crossed. I also must take the phone bill I just got to the office for them to deduct the transfer fee from my rent. I haven't gotten an electric bill yet.

Work's been much better this week. I have about $180 in cash on me. Next week I’m working Tuesday – Thursday from 9:00 PM – 1:00 AM.

Tom's been driving me to and from work, but Mandy took me home tonight. Tom says he can bring me to and from work tomorrow night.

April 1993

4/2/1993 Fri. 4:40 AM

Tonight I made $113, and last night I made $70. Scott and one of his employees came in tonight. Scott and several others gave me $70. Andy brought me to work on Wednesday, and Scott brought me home the last two nights. Steve brought me into work tonight, cuz Andy had to go to Donna's birthday party.

I have quite a bit more to write about, but I'm too tired to do it now.

Crystal Creek…

4/5/1993 Mon. 9 PM

Well, I am finally here! It feels great to finally be out of the Vista Ventana.

I have a million things to write about, so I'd better get started. I thought I wouldn't be moving till Sunday, but Scott and I pulled some stuff out Saturday, then on Sunday, he, his friend Eric, who also lives here, and I went over to load the pickup truck. I think Scott and I are gonna hopefully clean out the rest of the place tonight at 11:00 when that butch is hopefully sleeping.

Now, let me back up to last Saturday night and start updating in order. I made $111 Saturday night, and only $15 of it was from Scott. He came in with two employees and another dancer. Eric, who was there Friday night, has a fifteen-day-old daughter and a girlfriend, so when I came here Saturday night, I pretended I was meeting him for the first time. He, his girlfriend, and Scott and I had steak dinners.

Last Saturday afternoon, Mary came up to my old place. I had been sleeping on and off, and Mary said that the butch next door woke her up with her cleaning at 8:30 in the morning. She was pissed, and I surely don't blame her. She said she waved to her the day before and Andi just gave her this look. This bitch cares about nothing but herself, is very selfish, and thinks she owns the world. This bitch is never gonna get along with her neighbors and it’s no wonder she doesn't have too many friends. She may have a huge family, but no friends.

Unfortunately, the butch wasn't home when we were loading stuff yesterday. She will be tonight, though. I saw Mary yesterday, and I left her a message earlier tonight. I've got to get in touch with Kara. I must also write to several people, including Kim and Bob, and let them know the new address and number.

I'll be getting fifty stamps in the mail for $14.50. It's a very convenient service.

My photo from Montgomery Ward is gonna be mailed to me.

Before I get to writing about my apartment, Dave and I had a chat last Friday night as I was waiting for Steve to come get me. He said he's gonna miss me, and I feel the same. He was the perfect neighbor and very nice. I wish Mary lived next to me and Dave lived below me here.

Saturday, Andy drove me to work, and Scott brought me home all three nights. We also stopped at Fry's and got tons of boxes.

Also, I'm now gonna be working Wednesday through Saturday, from 8 PM to 1 AM.

Mystery won't be declawed for another week, cuz he has an infection in his foot.

Today's my dad's birthday, and I sent him a card and I spoke to him. I also spoke to Bill and Lisa, but haven't gotten ahold of Tammy yet since I've been here. They're now three hours ahead of us back east.

The second was John's birthday, but I haven't been able to reach him either. I told Steve to give him my new address and number. Last I knew, his beeper was busted. He's also driving the cab more, as Circle K has suspended him. They think he stole money, but I don't believe it for one minute, any more than Steve does.

10:45 PM

I just spoke to Kim and gave her the new information. She's gonna pass it along to Bob.

I guess Scott could be calling or coming over any time now to go to the old place to pick up stuff.

I still need to go to APS and pay the $117 deposit. I also need to go to the cable company to get a cable box, since my TV isn't cable-ready.

I need to hack off my nails, cuz they're a pain in the ass and I can't type too well with them. Right now, I am typing all this in the spare bedroom. I shall soon copy all this into my journal.

The apartment is beautiful and it is humongous! It sure feels great to have all this space once again. Having too much space is better than having too little. But within time, little by little, I'll fill this place up. There are only two things I don't like about it here. There’s no shower door as I had thought and hoped there would be, and this past weekend was fucking noisier than all hell! This is, of course, cuz I'm right by the pool, and there are a lot of divorced people here whose kids come to visit on weekends. Today it was quiet, and it was a blessing not to have to hear the very loud and very obnoxious lawnmowers. The only thing I could hear was the blowers, but they're not as loud. This is cuz the little monster kids trash the gravel rocks, and so they blow rocks back into place. I guess it's better to have noisy weekends rather than noise in the building and such a tiny apartment. I've only heard a couple of bangs from the people below me, but it ain't shit compared to the butch I had to live next to. You can't hear any footsteps or closet doors. I can slightly hear the door below me, and I've never heard a peep from whoever's next door to me. I guess this is all worth the weekend shit I have to deal with. I slept OK yesterday and today, but yes, I'm sure I'll get woken up a few times a week. We'll just have to wait and give it more time and wait and see. It's a kid's world out there today, and it's not fair. I still don't think it's prejudiced to have complexes for families and complexes for singles. It's discrimination to separate Blacks, Jews, and gays, but this is different. I think people should be given a choice.

I have more trees around me than at the other place. This complex is much more beautiful. Another great thing here is that I no longer have to buy bottled water. It's run through a purifier, so it doesn't taste like bleach.

11:15 PM

My wall clock says it's 11:15, and I set the stove clock and clock radio at 10:55, so I think I goofed by twenty minutes.

I hope Scott knocks any minute now so we can go get some stuff out of my old apartment. My first night here, which was last Saturday night, I slept on two couch cushions Scott lent me. Not too comfortable, but better than the other place. Last night I had my bed, and all day today I've had my cat and his. This is cuz they are fixing a problem in his place with the roof and wall. I think they're gonna transfer him.

These cats are really good. Very friendly and not as destructive as I thought they'd be. The cat box is in the spare bedroom along with this typewriter and the stool, my guitar, keyboard, the stool/ladder, which is busted, and I put my crystal night lamp in here. To be able to see while I type, I brought in the lamp I usually have in the living room.

In the living room, I have the stereo, TV, round wicker chair, the tall wicker basket of flowers, beanbag, round glass shelves, and other little stuff.

In the master bedroom, I have the bed and some plastic stacking shelves.

Of course, my kitchen table is right over the bar where the living room starts.

I'm using Scott's phone now, as mine's still packed in the other place. I have about five to ten percent of my stuff still over there. It looks like we're not getting it tonight.

Andy was over earlier tonight. He brought his VCR over for Scott to fix, and then we ran over to the store. He's very impressed with it here.

There is a guy and a girl below me, and they're very nice. I think they're just roommates, not lovers. He's the courtesy patrol, as well as a paramedic/fireman, and she's a leasing agent in the office.

Well, I'm gonna sign off now and write more some other time. I'm hungry, and I'm gonna go make a bite to eat and listen to music.

4/12/1993 Mon. 7:16 PM

I finally got my place all set up, so now I can quickly update all that's been going on. My place looks great, and I haven’t been woken up yet. They were kind enough to hold off the blowers and parking lot sweepers until very late this afternoon. The only thing I ever hear is the kids here and there at the pool, but music or TV drowns that out. Occasionally at night, I hear Bonnie and Steve's cabinets and door below me, but it's such a joke compared to the butch, and they've never woken me up. The butch changed her phone number. I also whited out my name on Bob's letter, which I sent to her. Rick and Rosemarie and Ellie are getting letters, too.

I've spoken with Kara and Mary.

Last Saturday night after work, John and I went and got the last carload out of Vista Ventana. I am completely out of there. There was a letter on my door about late rent. My father got one too, and I explained how they're trying to make a last-minute quick buck. Last week, I noticed Vista Ventana called while I was out. I called back to see what she'd say. She said she re-rented my place for May first to some girl.

On our way out with the final load, I put the keys in the rent drop box. Andi also has some goodies on her patio, but just my luck, she was gone at the time. She has an empty box of Corn Flakes, some wire hangers, and dead plant leaves that John dumped.

8:30 PM

I spoke to Mary a little while ago. She's gonna come check out my place and see some models maybe this weekend.

I met my neighbor next door last week. His name is Tom, and in a month or so, he'll be moving. Tom brought me to K-Mart today, and I bought a Dirt Devil vacuum for $69. It works really well. I also got some vacuum bags and plant food. Also, a little timer for when I'm out tanning. The whole charge came to $91, which I paid in cash. I had $150 on me.

Work's been going great. I cut around $300 this week, as well as last week. I now work Wednesday through Saturday, 8 PM to 1 AM. I had to use most of the money for the electric deposit, food, and odds and ends. I have to pay a $7 house tip, which is a new thing they just began, ten percent to the DJ, then there are food and transportation. Friday night, Scott never showed up, so the new doorman, Ray, took me home. It turns out that he ended up in the hospital due to stress and chest pains.

Last Saturday night I met a couple who came in there. They'd been living together for a year and a half, and have an open relationship. I don't know if he's bi, but he seems nice enough not to get in the way. His girlfriend Gail's really pretty, and she's bi. I freaked when she told me she was forty-three. I thought she was thirty to thirty-five! I gave her a table dance and my number. She called, and who knows if we'll ever get together. I doubt it, even though we discussed it. I was supposed to call her tonight, but I forgot.

A few days after I got here, I got a call from Celeste. She said I was probably “wondering” why I haven't heard from her and went on to tell me she's divorcing her husband Joe. She just couldn't wait to be free. She also said she had Hepatitis A, the least serious of A, B, and C, but is now better. She also said her doctor said no more drugs or alcohol or she'll die.

I told her there's no way we'll ever meet unless she comes to the club, but she can call all she wants.

There was this waitress at work who seemed really nice, with hair as long as mine. She said she was a hairdresser and she'd trim my bangs. Lots of people give phony numbers, which is a fact I'm used to, but I'm shocked she did. She never called me either and hasn't been to work. So she was just looking to give people bogus numbers, knowing she was quitting work.

That dancer, Sasha, likes me but was only teasing about getting together. This is cool with me, though, as I don’t dig her crew cut. Plus, she's too cool as a friend to ruin that with sex.

The dancers here are so much cooler, not that they were bad at Sha Na Na's. The customers are a bit better. They’re a bit more affluent.

I just called the payphone at Sha Na Na's. Now I can hit on some of the pretty ones and hope they don't transfer to the Mile High. But then again, it's not like they'd shoot me, and these girls are all either bi or used to bi people. The phone's just ringing and ringing. I'm calling it now for the fourth time. I was hung up on three times. Or maybe this phone disconnects you after so many rings. Yes, that's definitely it, cuz you can tell when someone picks up or hangs up. Plus, I would've heard the loud music in the background. I have to call when someone's in the bathroom to answer.

Just got lucky two minutes ago. Dawn answered, and I asked for Alex and Alicia, but they were off. Then I asked for Christine, but she was on stage. I'm gonna call back.

10:20 PM

Just got lucky again, and Christine answered herself. Using “Norah's” English accent, I asked for Christine P (I've seen her last name on the bar tip-out sheet). I said I couldn't tell her who I was, but that my boyfriend and I were discussing something we overheard. We thought she should know that her ex swears he's gonna storm the bar at 12:45 and hurt her. She asked where I heard it. I said it was from some company I had at my house. I used to know Ralph (she said his name) and how crazy he is. Was I telling the truth? she asked, and that was it. Then she said, “OK, thank you,” and hung up.

4/16/1993 Fri. 3:40 AM

The last two nights at work were dead, but the funniest thing happened Wednesday night to make up for it. Scott and John were in, and so Scott and several others saw this. John had a “spittoon,” a can he spits in. He had it sitting on the table when I reached across to grab a cigarette and knocked it onto his crotch. I laughed so hard my stomach and throat were killing me. It looked like he peed his pants, and I could see how red his face was, even in those dim lights. He was so embarrassed and said, “I'd rather have you spit on me than you knock my own spit on me.”

4/18/1993 Sun. 3:31 AM

I made $93 at work tonight. John came in, but Scott drove me home. Steve brought me to work.

I got my picture from Montgomery Ward. It didn't come out too bad. I've sent it to my parents.

Another dancer named Kim may put a gel on my nails to fill in my ridges and make them stronger. She's got four costumes to sell me, too.

Here are some of the dancers' names: Christine, Jill, Sasha, Heather, Nicki, Nicole, Sue, Stevie, Jasmine, Sativa, Shelley, Tia, Lisa, Kay, Mariah, Jessie, Jade, Lacy, Meagan, Brooke, Mandy, and there are many more.

I got bored one time and called and got Leanne's machine. I said simply, “Leanne, you're an asshole.”

When I returned from work, I had a message saying, “I didn't appreciate the message. I'm sorry I've got no time. I'm raising four orphan cats and working sixty hours a week, so please just be a friend.”

My final message was, “If you knew you didn't want to get together, and you didn't, why'd you take my number and call me? If you're not interested in someone, don't take their number, and no, there's no friendship. You probably are busy, but if you wanted to get together, you'd find the time to do so.”

I'm used to these kinds of games, but it sure gets annoyingly old.

Neither Gail nor I have called the other. If she does call, I'm not gonna set a time or suggest getting together.

Celeste left a message last week saying she's OK to meet people. Sure. Well, it ain't gonna be me. If she ever comes to where I work—fine, but I know she won't.

I'm still waiting for the posters Scott's making up. Maybe they'll be ready this week.

Scott fixed Andy's VCR and tape player and gave me a nineteen-inch color TV! It's great, and so is having cable.

Mystery's somewhat of an outdoor cat till he's neutered, declawed, and bathed in Head & Shoulders to curb my allergies. Two nights ago, I had his cat, Fluffy, while they re-carpeted his place. It never shut up, so I put it on the patio. Luckily, with the waterfall sounds and my music and the master bedroom being far from the patio, I couldn't hear her meowing in here.

Andy came to see a one-bedroom model. He loved it, but he didn't want the third floor, which is all they had, so he got an apartment elsewhere. He'll be moving on June first.

10:50 PM

I just went and got my other Barbie pad. I have three, and I keep one in the spare bedroom by the typewriter, one with my editing notes by the stereo, and one by my bed for journal notes.

Scott may soon be here to fix my typewriter cord. I can type, but the cord needs electrical tape rather than Scotch tape. He'll also have to program my VCR when he gets the chance. He fixed Andy's stuff, and he came over today. He was gone, though, so Andy hung out here for a half-hour or so.

He asked to hear some Tracy K edits, and I gave him some ibuprofen for his toothache. He needs dental work done, and I may lend him $150 by May fourth. He'll pay me back in June with his tax refund check.

This place looks great, and Scott's neighbor gave me two tables she was gonna toss out. They're of silver and gold chrome, and Scott's gonna cut glass tops to fit. They're my style, too. Very modern.

4/19/1993 Mon. 12:30 AM

I ordered new address labels as well as CDs, dolls, and plates. I also sent shit to Barbara, Debbie, and Fran.

Scott may or may not be going to Vegas for a business meeting.

I saw John last Saturday night at work and couldn't stop laughing over his spittoon. I told Steve, my cab driver, and he was cracking up.

I got an awesome outfit at K-Mart shortly after I moved here. It's a spandex tank top/shorts. It's a one-piece outfit, and it looks nice on me. If I were ten pounds heavier, I couldn’t fit into it.

I finally got my phone bill from Sprint, and can you believe it was only $65! I made fifty calls, and so many of them were for almost an hour.

Last night I ordered from KFC, and they screwed up the order, which cost $8. I called them back, and they returned with the correct order for free.

I got four new fancy writing pads for letters as well as new envelopes of assorted colors.

I sent Nervous a letter with a tissue that I wiped my crotch with. Speaking of Nerv, I've had some nice talks with him, both with and without Andy. I have so much editing to do that it isn't even funny.

A little while ago, I had a TV dinner and listened to music.

Andy also called, and a few days ago, he told me some neat jokes.

For $8, I bought a costume from a dancer named Kim. It's really cool. It's a two-piece with a zipper down the front of the crotch. Of course, there's a lining inside the zipper, as it'd be illegal not to have it there. It's denim with black lace and some greenish glittery thing on it. I also got two other things from a dancer named Tyra for $10. A strapless bathing suit top—I love the colors and I can wear it with my solid pink bathing suit bottoms I got from Mom right before I left Connecticut. It's got pink, blue, purple, and black, some of my favorite colors. Tyra also sold me a solid hot pink G-string. It's more like underwear, and it can be used as regular underwear by me. I had to gather the front and back of it from the inside, though. This girl is much bigger than me. It looks great on me.

Lastly, as far as the costumes go, I ripped the feathers off that burgundy dress I bought at Sha Na Na's. I also took them off the matching G-string. No more feathers floating around everywhere and the DJ asking, “Is someone plucking Mystery's feathers?”

A girl who works third shift where Andy works, did a very stupid, yet great, thing for both of us. Her name's Sarah S, and she gave Andy her phone number and her voicemail code, which he gave to me. We've been listening to some of her messages.

I've met several people here at the pool. Once again, they're usually the ones who strike up the conversation.

Asshole Stacey sent my parents a letter about the rent owed up till May first. I spoke to my parents and told them the truth about why I moved and that some girl is moving in on the first of May. I told them that they probably will get more letters, but to throw them out. Dad said to tell them that he wants no more letters from them. I left a message saying I've had it with them, they lie, they're not getting another penny, grow up, get a life, never contact us again.

4/20/1993 Tues. 12:35 AM

I have some totally shocking and totally amazing news. Before I get into it, though, I want to back up and update on a few more things I haven’t yet.

The bad news is that on the sixth of this month, I had my second asthma attack and had to go to the ER by ambulance. I ran downstairs to Steve when this happened because he’s a paramedic and I panicked. It’s hard to deal with things alone if you can help it. Bonnie was a big help, too. I was there for three hours; then I took a cab home because I couldn’t reach Scott.

Speaking of Bonnie and Steve, well, they’re super cool people, and there was always something I really liked a lot about Steve from the get-go. So I began to wonder whether or not I should consider going back to the good old days of settling. I was realizing how so many women aren’t attracted to me and how so many of them never go further than always being guaranteed to go through with a sex deal or get-together or whatever you want to call it. They don’t lead you on as much, and they’re the ones who are attracted to me.

But then there are a few fears of mine like AIDS and pregnancy, even though I highly doubt it, as well as trying to find a guy who can handle having only oral sex with me. Using my good judgment of character, I could pretty much sense I’d be safe with Steve and that he wouldn’t get carried away. So we sat down in the guardhouse one night after I’d gotten off work and had a long and very honest talk. He’s divorced with a two-year-old daughter, whom he showed me pictures of, and he’s different from most guys because he wants a relationship that might turn into marriage. He doesn’t just fool around.

He’s very much in love with Bonnie, whom he wants to marry, but she doesn’t want to marry him.

We both mutually decided right then and there that we should never get together sexually.

I’ve had a few talks with Celeste here and there, and late Sunday night, she told me she’d be able to see me. She lives all the way out in Tempe, which is about forty-five minutes away from here, but she’s got a friend who lives right near me. This friend was to have dental work done today, which is now yesterday. Then this girl—Donna’s her name—was to drive to Celeste’s place, pick her up, and bring her here. Now, of course, I was going by past experiences, and I pretty much thought she was full of shit even though she really sounded like she meant it.

She actually did show up! I was even attracted to her!!! She was attracted to me!!! She liked my eyes, hair, butt, and even how tiny I am! And I think she’s a definite seven and a half on a scale of one to ten. Her eyes and eyebrows are so much like Gloria’s, but her eyes are green. Her hair is medium brown. It’s permed and shoulder-length. It’ll definitely look better when it grows longer, but at least she’s no Miss Military Diesel Butch. She’s five foot six, one hundred thirty pounds. Her body is proportioned nicely, and she dresses nicely and does her makeup well.

We chatted and watched a little TV. She didn’t have too much time, as she had to catch the bus. I’m glad I finally got to see the face behind the phone for the last three months.

I laid it out honestly about her two-year-old son. He can’t come here, and she understands how I feel. Why do I always get people with kids? In a way, this is good and gives me extra peace of mind that she’s not going to smother me. You can’t do it with a kid unless you live together because you’re tied down and have no life. She’ll always be chasing down babysitters. She tells me that within a few months, she should have a car. I do hope so, because that will surely help us out with her living so far away, and I have no car. I also like her living so far away.

She sure called a lot after she left and was even going to try to see if she could get a babysitter, as she ended up missing the bus after some people picked her up here and brought her to her father’s.

She did seem clean and sober enough and intent on staying that way. Although this isn’t a major concern for me, as I don’t do relationships. She seems very nice, friendly, understanding, and honest. I like her character so far, and she may be passable enough to sleep with. In other words, she isn’t scary in any way. She doesn’t give me bad, threatening vibes. She did say on the phone to tell her if she smothers me too much by calling a lot. This was weird, as I thought I wouldn’t have to worry about that from her. She seems much more into guys and not getting attached right now, especially after coming out of a divorce. I hope she doesn’t end up falling more than she ever thought she could or would, but I’m ninety-nine point nine percent sure she’ll be OK and not smother me.

She and I went to the Jacuzzi for a little while. Then we came up and watched some TV and talked. She’s really cool, and she looked beautiful. She’s got so much Gloria in her—way more than Ann Marie did.

When her brother came to get her, she kissed me vigorously, and it was nice for a girl who isn’t so much into mushy, wet, sloppy French kissing. I’m glad I did meet her after the many, many times I was going to call it quits with her and never meet her.

A short while ago, Andy and I called people with ads in the New Times looking for singers and guitar players and shit like that and played with their heads.

3:36 AM

Since I met Scott, I’ve had more and more visions of fame and fortune. When I look back a few pages at what I wrote about Bill, his private Learjet, Los Angeles, and Capitol, it’s like—oh my God! That’s something I’d only write as a fantasy, but I wrote it for real. I meant it. It’s real. Wait till I tell my family when this actually happens. I want Scott, or someone, to take pictures as this all happens, so no one thinks I’m pulling their leg. It’s all going as predicted.

I knew God would have to throw me, literally by a freak chance, into a proper, decent, honest connection. What better person than Bill's nephew? I made a mistake before when I said they were cousins. Now I know more than ever that the NHA was supposed to be so bad in order to be my ticket out west. I always figured that whenever the planner above felt it was just about time, I’d somehow leave the East Coast. More and more, I realize how important it was for me to meet Tonya. If I didn’t dance, I would still be broke, and I’d never have met Scott or gotten this apartment.

Anyway, I listened to music a little while ago, but I guess I’m not quite ready yet to fall asleep. I am drowsy, though.

When I was first at Steve’s before Celeste came over, he handed me some banana nut bread on my way out the door, and one of his cats ran out. They have two cats, Patches and Shadow, which seem to be popular cat names. Patches ran out, but right before Andy called two hours ago, I heard meowing, and she came in. Steve and a girl I met a few nights ago at the pool came up and trapped it. When I told Andy they came up and trapped it, he asked, “They came up in traffic?” I was cracking up.

Then, a half hour later, Steve knocked. He bummed a few cigarettes, and I asked if he heard me laughing. He said yes, and he and Andy said hello over the speakerphone. I told Steve what Andy thought I said and told Andy how Steve met Celeste.

“She’s fucking hot!” Steve told Andy.

6:24 PM

In about five minutes, I have to page Steve to pick me up for work at seven thirty.

It sure was a hot one hundred degrees today, and it will be tomorrow, too.

I called Florida, and Ma answered. She got the picture, and she’s keeping it. A picture of me she actually likes—how amazing!

I called Connecticut and spoke with Lisa for about five minutes.

I called Celeste as she was on her way out the door to find a job. She said she may or may not be able to stop by where I work tonight.

I left a message on Brian and Angel’s machine telling them how much I love it here, and I gave them my new number. So far, management’s been really cool, but I’ll just have to wait and see. They wave and smile every time I walk by.

I forgot to mention that Celeste used to do topless dancing, too. She used the name Jade, just like a dancer we have, but I think she quit. Actually, I think she was fired for talking too much. Celeste’s full name is Celeste Brianne K. I love the first and middle name, but her last name’s no better than mine.

I finally got my deposit from SRP for one hundred seven dollars. Scott also owes me one hundred eleven dollars for the food stamps. I wouldn’t care, as he’s done so much for me, but I want to lend Andy the one hundred fifty dollars he needs to borrow by May fourth.

I really wish Scott would hurry up and call Tammy, fix my typewriter cord, program my VCR, and install my bedroom ceiling fan. I know he’s very busy, but I know I’ll be waiting months, and I hate that. Besides, he gave me his word that he’d do these things.

Andy called me and said he saw “Fuck Face,” as we call Donna, at the pool. We thought she had moved. Fuck Face dumped Angel and Brian, and we’re not surprised. I said she’s the type who’ll dump everyone and have a problem with everyone she meets. Andy said the way she said she dumped Angel was totally cruel, and I believe it. She claims Angel was always inviting herself over for dinner, so she gave Angel the cold shoulder and Angel eventually got the message. I don’t buy it, though, as I feel I know Angel well enough to say it’s not her style to do stuff like that. Then again, we all know Donna tends to over-flatter herself, and she told me the day we met that she has no friends. Gee, I wonder why?

Andy said she did ask how I was. He told her where I work and that I make lots of money and moved to a beautiful two-bedroom apartment. He said he really rubbed it in, but I couldn’t care less about her opinion. Andy says he knows to basically stay away and only say hi if they meet at the pool. She’d only dump on him too, but he’s moving to Glendale on June first.

I pity the poor girl who’s moving into my place on May first. I hope she’s a day person, loves kids, and is hardly home.

Well, now I’m going to go gather up everything I need for work. I really hope now that the major holidays and taxes are over, that the money gets better.

Not too much else is going on. I got a call today from Fran telling me he just got the best letter I ever wrote. OK, that’s cool enough with me. He absolutely hates it where he is due to tons of screaming kids, which even I could hear loud and clear. It sounded just like the NHA to me. He’s going to move again as soon as he can.

I also spoke to Nervous, but not for too long. He was just getting in the door with the letter I sent him with the tissue I wiped my crotch with.

I also called Tammy and told her all about Celeste and that Scott did go to Vegas. He’s back, though, and tomorrow he and I are going to do mega food shopping. I need food in here badly.

4/21/1993 Wednesday, three AM

Today—now yesterday—I awoke at two PM. I saw Scott for about ten minutes. He was cooking dinner, and his parents were on their way over for dinner.

I told him all about Celeste and that she may visit again that night. I guess he told Andy that Bill will be in Phoenix for two days on business at the end of May or the beginning of June. This will be when he, Scott, and I fly to Los Angeles to Capitol Records studios on his private Lear jet. God, this sounds weird!

Celeste came over again tonight for about an hour and a half. She met Steve downstairs, who said he’d babysit her son, Josh, anytime she needed if he were home. I told Steve earlier to tell Bonnie I got my bangs trimmed. She’s in Tucson seeing some guy she’s dating.

Let me back up a minute and say that as I was walking back from Scott’s, I saw a woman on her patio cutting some girl’s hair. I yelled out that I needed my bangs trimmed, and she said to come on up. For five dollars, she did a nice job, and we exchanged phone numbers. Now I have a hairdresser. I may even have her put a gel or an acrylic overlay on my nails. Even though my nails get long, the ridges I have aren’t too pretty, and then if I do break a nail, it looks stupid with all the rest of them long.

4/22/1993 Thursday, one forty AM

I made eighty-six dollars at work tonight, but the thing that pissed me off is that Scott never showed up and he hasn’t been home all day. I hope he is OK and not in the hospital. I’d die if anything happened to him, even though I’ve only known him for almost four months. He’s such a great person, but he really pushes himself. I told him several times to slow down, but he just won’t.

To add to things, Steve’s sick and John’s not working tonight, so a guy named TJ came and got me. He also brought me home. He gave me funny vibes, but he didn’t dare pull any shit on me. I’d kill him, but obviously Steve must trust him. Steve told me to page him at six thirty if I knew I needed a ride, and if he couldn’t make it, he’d send someone else. This guy also said he picks up other dancers regularly, so that’s cool.

I told Sasha all about Celeste, and she was happy for me. Who knows when it’ll be that we see each other again, but yes, I see us winding up in bed eventually. I sure do hope so, because she’s beautiful, and I know it’d be another year and four months before I got this lucky again.

Celeste really does seem to like me, but I was shocked when she told me she was romantic and to let her know if she ever smothers me. I thought people who only wanted casual sex didn’t act romantically and smother people. We did agree up front that all the two of us wanted was casual sex, so why would she then be worried about smothering me? Why would she want to go slow and get to know me and be romantic? That just does not go together very well, but I won’t jump the gun in paranoia. I’ll just sit back, play it cool, and see what she does.

That dancer, Lacy, is back after having some personal problems. Everyone says we look alike. We do, but not in the face. She’s right about my height, but she’s a little bigger than me, and my hair’s longer. Pete, the DJ, was going to have us both dance together to the song called “Double Vision,” but we never did. Oh well.

There were a bunch of rich Germans who came in tonight. If it weren’t for them, we would’ve all had such a shitty night. It was shitty, but it could’ve been a lot worse.

So what the fuck happened to Scott? I hope nothing’s wrong. Especially now. It’d be shitty timing if I’m not going to Los Angeles.

When I returned home, I went out alone quickly to the Jacuzzi. I mean alone. Usually, there’s almost always someone else out there. It seems like there are even more night people here than at the Vista Ventana. Then again, we all know that the Vista Ventana’s not the place to be if you’re a night person. I know that for sure, and so do Andy and others. This Jacuzzi is strange. Sometimes it’s really hot and other times it’s lukewarm and other times cold. It was much too cool tonight, and when I got out, I was freezing. The air out there right now is very dry, even though it’s warm, and I have my AC on. Tomorrow it’s going to be close to one hundred degrees once again.

I wonder if Steve’s on patrol tonight? I didn’t see him, and the lights in the guardhouse are off. The door’s locked too. I think he may have gotten it on with that girl, Chris, last night, since Bonnie’s out of town. She must be on vacation. I haven’t seen her in the office since last week. I met Chris at the pool, and she said she used to dance at Sha Na Na’s but didn’t like it. She said she gave her life to the Lord eight months ago. Oh well. Whatever turns you on.

Steve says it’s hard on him living with Bonnie because of the way he feels so much for her. Maybe he didn’t do anything with Chris because he never pressures or pursues sex with me.

I’m dreading the time he goes to Georgia to get his daughter Brianne for a month. I hope to hell that I’m not going to have to declare war on my end if I’m getting woken up by lots of screaming or banging. I told them all about the butch at the Vista Ventana. I also told them up front that if I’m woken up, they will be too. I won’t know how it’ll go till the kid gets here, but I sure do hope I’m worrying over nothing. God, I can’t fucking stand kids!

Scott told me that in one of the houses he fixes, he found me a combination bookcase desk. It’s normally used for a computer, but it’d be perfect for my typewriter. I could also put journals on the shelves. He says he can bring it here in a few days, but I know he really means a few weeks. I appreciate from the bottom of my heart all that Scott’s done for me. I just wish he wouldn’t procrastinate so much. This way, I’m not all psyched up for something for so long. I hate having to wait and wait.

I bought Mom’s Mother’s Day card, not that she deserves it. I haven’t sent it yet, but maybe I’ll accidentally mail it a wee bit too late.

There’s this gorgeous girl at work named Christine. Sasha says she’s made sexual gestures to her. Christine has, I mean, and somewhat has to me, too. Is she just being friendly, or does she like me in that kind of way?

Well, I’m so fucking beat, as I said before, so I’m going to listen to music and then try to get some sleep. I need to try to get to the pool tomorrow to get some very much-needed color. With my luck, there’ll be ten million screaming kids out there!

3:30 AM

Well, so much for going to sleep. I only lie down just to wake right up again.

I really hope all’s well with Scott. Now that I live so close and have gotten to know him more and more, I’m more in tune with him. I can sense when things are going well and when they’re not. I do have a bad vibe, unfortunately. I wonder if Scott could’ve been arrested. He did say that there was a warrant out for his arrest due to this tax thing he’s been trying to clear up, because it involves a lot of money. I hope not. I hope he gets things cleared up with the IRS soon. I also hope he’s not sick or in the hospital having a heart attack or something like that due to stress. I only know way too well just what stress can do to you.

The journal entries between April twenty-third and May twenty-first were lost. Therefore, I’m going to fill in the gaps as best as I can.

The only significant thing I remember during this lost month is moving to the back of the complex, away from the pool. It was a second-floor apartment, identical to the two-bedroom I had at the front of the complex next to Tom, my future husband, unbeknownst to me at the time. It was also at the end, like the other apartment was. At first, it was quieter, with a single Black guy below me and a single guy next to me who was hardly ever home. Then it became very noisy when the guy next door moved and a bunch of college kids moved in. The complaints to the office by the people below them and me were useless, but I would only be in this apartment a few months, fortunately.