Phoenix, AZ, Age 27
1/1/1993 Fri. 5:17 AM
Well, another year has gone by and now begun. Another year, I have improved, and my life has improved in so many different ways, but at the same time, I’m still nowhere and nobody.
So I’ve written in 1987, 1988, 1989, 1990, 1991, 1992, and 1993. Seven different years, even though I’ve only written for 5 years, 2 months, and 5 days. On January 8th, it’ll be 2000 days.
Been out on my own for 7 years and 1 month on January 3rd.
Well, I have to get Lisa a birthday card. She’ll be 10 on the 20th. I’ll send her $10, too.
I’m sure that in 1993, I won’t have sex. Well, maybe—and I mean just maybe—I’ll have sex, but I will never have it with someone I’m totally hot for. Never will I experience lust like with Ann Marie, let alone the ultimate lust.
I called Susie, who told me to call her at Dennis’s at a certain time. I did, but she says she’ll contact me when she’s sorted through everything. She asked me if I wanted the matching chair that Andy didn’t take. I have no room for it, so I called and asked Alana if she wanted it. She said yes, and Kara came and got it. I gave her money for cigarettes for both of us.
My checks must’ve come in later yesterday. Kara’s going to be getting hers soon.
We crimped each other’s hair.
Sometimes I wonder if I should beg and plead for God to send me some lust, but I know it’ll do no good, as we made a deal with Ann Marie. And I got two nights with her, not only one. It’s also so much easier for me not to bother. After being alone so damn long, it’s way too hard and awkward to change. Maybe in another 5–10 years I could get another Ann Marie, but that’d mean I’d have to go to the bars, put personal ads in, and get my head played with till I got lucky in 5–10 years. It’s no longer worth all that. I believe I’m meant to be celibate for a long time, then maybe have “sex.” I know God’s keeping the deal, cuz if lust was in the cards, he’d send it to me somehow, knowing I’ll never step foot in a bar again. There’s a reason why I’m feminine and am attracted to feminine women, and that’s cuz I’m meant to be celibate and independent. Someday down the road, though, I’d like to (within reason) return to settling. I want to learn how to do that like most people can, cuz that’s life and reality.
6:31 AM
Earlier, I typed up a letter to Kim. I haven’t heard from her in a while, so I hope she writes soon. Next, I’ll write letters to Bob, my parents, my nieces, and Tammy. I wonder if my parents and Tammy tried calling yesterday, but hung up before the machine came on.
I hope Dennis writes to me, but I doubt it. He said he doesn’t like to write. He took off yesterday for Williams, but he’s not too sure yet what he’s gonna do. He may go live with an aunt in Washington, D.C. Maybe work helping to rebuild after Hurricane Andrew in Florida. Or work with some guy he knows on a ranch in Venezuela. I gave him an address label and told him to get in touch with me when he knows what he’s gonna do.
Andy and Kara left me messages wishing me a happy New Year. Kara said to call her in the morning.
Since we could never program channel 3 into my VCR, I taped Hard Rock Cafe in New York. It was nothing spectacular, but I really wanted to tape Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. They showed a little bit of Times Square, and it was snowing pretty hard. Through the fireworks, I could see the snow. I also could tell it was bitterly freezing cold, cuz I could see people’s breath in the air very well.
I guess I really haven’t made any New Year’s resolutions any more than I made any birthday wishes. My last remaining wishes just cannot come true. I just wish I wanted some other career as badly as I wanted to be a singer. I also wish I could quit smoking and be madly attracted to butches. All this sure would make my life nearly perfect. I guess God’s got to leave each of us with a few things we can never have or ever do.
I sang softly earlier, and later on I’ll belt it out. Then Andi can listen to me for a change.
I put up two Gloria posters, but soon I’ll be trashing them along with 95% of my collection. My mom has already trashed about 60% of my collection. Once I get my other guitar and see that my pictures aren’t in the case, I’ll be sure to trash all but a few I’ve got here. I just don’t want half of my collection. I want all of it or none of it.
Today, I may also color my posters and edit.
1/7/1993 Thurs. 4:09 PM
I cannot believe all that’s happened to me. I have so much to tell. I am like, oh my God, oh my God! I am still in such shock, but it feels so good. Yesterday evening I auditioned at Sha Na Na’s and got hired as an exotic dancer! I’m working Wed., Thurs., Sat., and Sun. I believe these will be my regular working days.
I have so much to write about that and many other things, but soon I must get ready for work.
Got a package from my parents with hangers, a denim skirt, a denim jacket, a flannel shirt, and a troll key chain.
1/15/1993 Fri 8:17 PM
The longer I put off everything, the harder it’ll be to catch up, so I’d better get on with it. Andy, Kara, and I went to Sha Na Na’s, which is only 10 minutes away, on the night of January 6th. Kara and I both filled out applications. She wasn’t granted an audition, but I was lucky and got one. They have three round stages, and I did a song on two of them (two songs), and miraculously, I wasn’t one bit nervous. I got $18 just to do two songs. Some tips were even from the other dancers!
Before going on stage, Dave (a close friend of the owner who hired me) took me back into the dressing room. The dancers were so supportive and helpful and still are. They broke me in on some of the rules. You can move your hand by your privates but not touch them. You can’t do anything that simulates a sexual act. The law is that you must put latex on your nipples. It itches at first, but it peels off easily.
So far, all the dancers, bartenders, bouncers, and the DJ are cool. I basically keep to myself somewhat, but most of these girls are bi. I was shocked at how many are bi, and some know I’m gay and that my future goal is to save up enough money to cut a demo. This is all they know, but they don’t know my background. Dancers are very liberal and open-minded. I figured there’d be bi women there but none just gay, as Dave would never hire an ugly butch.
It doesn’t have this competitive feeling there. It does feel like a tight group, and everyone helps each other.
Of course, the guys can tip as much as they want, but they can’t give you change. They don’t have to give us anything for a stage dance, but it’s $5 for a table dance. A table dance is one-to-one wherever the guy’s sitting. On stage, you’re dancing for everyone. You put your money in your G-string or stockings.
My permanent schedule is Sat., Sun., Wed., and Thurs. from 6 PM–1 AM. We are to be there at 6:00 as the day shift finishes up, then we begin at 6:30. I’ve worked five days so far. My first three days, I got $65. On the fourth day, I got $126, and the last $84!
My first three days, Kara came up and rode back with me in a cab. Once I felt secure, I was on my own. I’ve even got two regular drivers. I feel very safe during and after work. The bouncers will throw out anyone who tries to touch us.
10:50 PM
One of my regular drivers on the way home is John. He once worked there as a bouncer, and he may be going back. Or be a cop, corrections officer, or personal bodyguard. He’s flat-rated me $5 and given me his cab and ID number. Also, he gave me the cab and ID number of the guy he leases the cab from, named Lou, who drives during the day. Andy will usually drive me in. If not, I can try Rick (Kara’s dad) or call Lou. I’ve never met Lou, but John told him I may or may not need him tomorrow. I never need to call John when I’m done. He’s there automatically at 1:00, and he watches me till I get in here.
At the end of the night, my feet hurt, but I’m getting used to it. After my first night, my legs were killing me, but now they’re fine.
They now have a shoe repair service at the office, and I’ll either have my black 2" heels fixed there or buy new 5" heels. The bottom of one of my heels broke off. It only costs $5, but it can’t be done until Feb. 4th.
I’ve told Stacey, Paula, and Judy about my new job, and they were all so psyched for me. Even Stacey. I am totally psyched! It feels great to finally have a job I love and to be making great money. My future goal is to save up enough money to cut a demo, as I said. The only alternative to sleeping my way there is to buy my way in.
The DJ’s name is Andy, and he looks like a dark-haired, longer-haired, thicker-haired version of Jai. He also wears the same John Lennon glasses. He’s a bass player, and he looks like one, too.
The bartenders on my shift are Larry and Greg.
There are three bouncers, but I can only remember Dave’s name. Usually two work, but on weekends all three work.
Some of the dancers’ names on my shift are Stormy, Brandy, Shelby, Ruby, Christine, Joy, Maya, Jenna, Corey, Keri, Rena, Crystal, and that’s all I can remember right now, even though there are more.
There were these two girls, Sarah and Jodi, who got fired. Jodi was bi and hot. There’s Nadia too, and she’s hot.
Some girls use their real names, and some have stage names. Mine’s Mystery.
Maya, another dancer, is bi, and with makeup on and nice clothes, she’s OK. She said she has a boyfriend, but they like to stray. I told her I like that idea, so no one puts strings on me. She took my number but told me she’s not looking to stray right now. This is typical, but then I realized this is for the better, cuz we work together.
The night I began working, Kara said she felt lust in two weeks, but I don’t. My top priority is the job now.
I may have forgotten to mention this, but I wrote personal ads to two bars, figuring I’d send them to the apartment below me, which is still vacant. I sent it under the name Ashley so that if anyone called asking for that name, I’d know it was from the bar. Then this feeling came on that it’d get lost in the mail or whatever, but mainly that I’d get no calls. I’ve gotten no calls, but with this job, I barely have time to have any good laughs. I do have enough free time, though, still.
After dancing all night, it’s easier to fall asleep. This job does knock you on your ass when your shift is over.
First shift goes from noon to 6:30 PM.
Andy will be calling around midnight to come over and play cards.
I was just watching Charlie’s Angels. I’ve dreamed of them bringing that show back, and they did on a cable channel. So Andy, who has cable, tapes it the five days a week it’s on.
There are a few women who sell exotic costumes down at the club—like lingerie, stockings, garters, and G-strings. They bring their stuff into the dressing room. They’ve got awesome stuff at awesome prices. At a place like Frederick’s of Hollywood, this stuff would cost double, if not triple.
I’ll write more later, cuz I think Andy’s about to call.
1/17/1993 Sun. 2:03 AM
Just got off work an hour ago, and I’m beat. My feet are always sore by 11:00.
At first, I panicked, wondering if I’d get in on time. Lou got lost, but he finally got here and got me there just in time.
I made between $90 and $100. I can’t tell exactly, cuz I mixed other money with tonight’s money.
Last night I gave Andy $55 to get some CDs of Linda’s. Soon I’m gonna order this instrumental CD through the mail.
I finally got that Bedazzler kit in the mail, and I had a blast with it for four hours. I did my suede fringed coat, my black leather shoes, shirts, skirts, and shorts.
Mom sent two packages. She sent a denim skirt and jacket. I really like the jacket. She also sent a flannel shirt I don’t care for. She sent another troll doll key chain, a ceramic elephant, another toy piano, and a puzzle. I gave the puzzle and piano to Ashley. She sent two bags of lemon-honey cough drops (yuck). I gave one to Kara and one to Andy. I also gave Andy these two-foot-long green plastic palm trees. You blow them up like a raft, and they have suction cups on them so you can stick them in your window. I gave them to Andy, cuz they kept falling down.
Mom also sent hangers and three pairs of shoes. One was white sneakers with little diamonds. They were too small, and they looked too much like a nurse’s shoes. The second pair was kind of geeky, yet kind of OK. They were denim. The third pair I gave to Velma to give away to some girl. I don’t do moccasins, and that’s what they were.
I still have so much catching up to do with my journal writing (among other shit), but forget it. I’m beat. I must continue tomorrow.
1/18/1993 Mon. 10:40 PM
Kara is here right now. I still have lots of updating to do (naturally). We are now listening to a recent tape of Nervous, Fran, and me.
I just showed Kara this amazing, shocking, and ironic fortune I got out of a fortune cookie. I ordered Chinese food a few nights ago, and one of the fortune cookies said: You will never need to worry about a steady income. What a trip, huh?
Kara has spoken with Nervous and Fran. Nervous sent back my pictures. Nervous and I have had some good talks, but Fran’s been trying hopelessly to call me. Of course, every time he calls, I’m not home or asleep. I haven’t heard from Bob since the very beginning of January. I wonder where he is. Did he lose his phone? Is he on his way here?
Earlier, Andy left for Vegas. He’ll be back on Wednesday night. Originally, his sister and nephew were coming out from the 23rd to the 26th, but now they’ll be here at the end of Feb. I was gonna stay in a cheap motel so Andy could sleep in my bed, and I wouldn’t have to get up when his nephew decided to go berserk. I’ll look into one for February.
1/19/1993 Tues. 1:06 AM
Now I am gonna finish my updating once and for all. I spoke to Tammy on the night of January 6th, right before I went to audition. She’s been very supportive and knows she can trust my judgment. She knows I would not get into a bad situation. One can do this job and still value and respect oneself. I believe sexuality’s a fact of life, and I’d rather see a guy go here to get his jollies off than rape a woman or go to a hooker and continue spreading AIDS. Hookers, I have no respect for. I feel sorry for them. Just one year ago or less, I sure never thought I’d be doing this—especially years ago when I hated myself and was ashamed of my body. I’m never nervous or self-conscious, but I am aware that I still do have some never-ending flaws. Tammy also knows I can’t settle for anything and that I need to save up for a demo. In the meantime, this sure beats housekeeping, babysitting, or someplace like McDonald’s.
Since I’ve begun work, I’ve made about $650. I’ve put out money to get started on G-strings, stockings, and other outfits. Brandy’s gonna be selling me a dress she doesn’t want. There is other shit to pay, too: a $10 bar tip, $3 tax, a buck to each of the two to three bouncers, food, and cab fare.
I’d like to get new 5" heels, which I hope to hell I can learn to walk in, or get my 2" heels fixed. Maybe I’ll get a belly belt. A lady who sells and makes exotic costumes is bringing in a $10 black wrap that’s so cool. So far, I’ve gotten two black G-strings. I also have a flowered one-piece outfit that glows so well on stage cuz of the lighting. Then I have another blue one-piece with silver studs on it. I also have a gorgeous, skin-tight red dress that a dancer sold me. It’s plain red with a tank-top kind of top. It’s cut way low in back. I also have a maroon silk bra with black lace.
I borrowed a G-string and a top. This was lent to me on my first night, but I have not seen this girl yet to return it to her. It’s nothing spectacular either.
We can take everything off except the G-string. It’s illegal here to strip all the way. This is why my proper title isn’t a stripper. I can be called an exotic dancer, a topless dancer, or a go-go girl, but I prefer exotic dancer.
2:20 AM
I just called the radio station to request For You by The Outfield. I hope they play it, cuz I want to record it till I buy the single. There’s another one too, I’m listening for, but I don’t know its title or artist.
I told Tammy last August that I sensed that January would be their best month financially, and I was right in two ways. One is that they got their $55,000 settlement from their car accident in 1989. They’re gonna add onto their house. Also, I’ll be helping them out when I can.
The package Tammy sent out was returned cuz the box fell apart. She re-sent it, so I should get it any day now.
She asked if she could tell Mom and Dad what I’m doing. I said OK. After she told them, she said they think it’s disgusting, but they respect my opinion and want me to respect theirs. Fine.
I sent Tammy a letter and helped her with the “asshole” drawing (she tried to draw a picture of an ass, so I drew one for her).
I also told her about a hilarious little trick I played on these people in FL who sent a letter to a Dan H that ended up in my mailbox. They mentioned someone named Claudia having to have hemorrhoid surgery, etc. I wrote back (as Dan) and informed them that my boyfriend and I were fucking happily, Claudia can claw her pussy, sorry about your ass surgery, have Bill screw it, and all kinds of mumbo-jumbo. I’ll have to call FL information to see if I can call them and ask if they’ve heard from Dan. Until I get my blocks lifted, I can call long-distance from Andy’s phone and easily pay him.
This feels so weird, yet great. I look at a $30 dress and, out of habit, I think I can’t afford it. Then I realize I can! I can turn my heat up, leave lights on, buy all the food I want, and have food delivered. When my lease is up, I want to check out a 2-bedroom. Buy more furniture for the extra room. Maybe get a bigger, more powerful microwave. Blow a few hundred in the mall here and there.
I gave $55 to Andy to pick up some old CDs of Linda’s, but he never got the chance. Maybe when he comes home, we can do this together. I also want to go clothes shopping at the Merry-Go-Round.
Earlier, I gave Kara $25 to get 3 journals, as she’s going to the mall tomorrow really early, before I wake up. She’s got a great memory, so she’ll never buy one I already have.
She so quickly and easily put in my new paper towel holder I got at Fry’s.
She and John may be dating, and they each have daughters and other things in common. She and Ashley came over here and I paged him and he came over. He brought us to Fry’s and was gonna wait in his cab, but after 10 minutes, he came in and joined us. So far, he’s really cool and we had a cool and funny time. Kara and I were cracking up as we were spraying different room deodorizers all over. Due to my allergies, I must get a mild scent, and I was spraying them in different directions so I wouldn’t mix them. I commented on how one was really nice and she asked where and was sniffing all over, just as this woman came through the aisle. She gave us a very strange look.
I bought her a beer glass, then I realized I could afford to buy a broom and not have to borrow Andy’s anymore. I also got a huge laundry basket, as I’m sick of the laundry bag. I got a dustpan that snaps right onto the broom handle. I also got hot oil treatments for my hair, sinus meds, envelopes with roses on them, and Band-Aids for any blisters I get from dancing. And food, of course.
I also got these silver, gold, blue, green, and red foil star stickers to decorate journals and letters with.
The radio played the song I requested, and I recorded it. They must have caller ID, which shows people’s names and numbers, cuz the DJ said, “Jodi in Phoenix, thanks for tuning in with us.”
So, after I almost rammed John with the broom handle in the balls accidentally, he got to see the place, then he took Kara home. I gave him $5 even though he never ran his meter.
In the store, we were checking out CDs and tapes. John asked if we’d believe Rod Stewart was his cousin. Well, I don’t see why he’d lie about that, and the eyes were very similar.
Andy, Kara, and I went to K-Mart on the 5th. Andy got a $14 rayon shirt. I got 2 pairs of bright, shiny gold and black underwear with thin straps on the sides, plus a matching flowered set of cotton panties with a half-shirt. Then I got 8 different colored pens, which I’ve been writing with: blue, green, maroon, purple, pink, orange, aqua, and red. Plus, I got a pad of unlined paper with colors of deep purple, red, yellow, and turquoise.
Right after I was hired at Sha Na Na’s, I ran into Tara in the laundry room. She was so psyched for me. I was also laughing at the fact that she had the same pair of gold and black panties I had just bought.
I called Tonya to thank her so much for the idea of dancing. I never would’ve thought of it, and now I know why we were meant to meet.
1/20/1993 Wed. 2:08 AM
Today is Lisa’s birthday. She is now 10. I sent her a card and $10. I cannot believe she has not written since last August, but it’s true.
Before I listen to music and try to fall asleep, I’ll just do a quick update.
I never liked the doctor that Access assigned me to. I have to call them and see if I can see anyone else (a woman?). Antibiotics can cause yeast infections, as they did with me. I got sick of being congested, and the itching, discharging, and being bloated from the yeast infection, so at 4 AM yesterday, I called John. I figured the ER would be dead at that hour, and it pretty much was. I went in as an urgent case, but not an emergency. If it were an all-out, deadly, life-threatening attack, I’d have called an ambulance, as I wouldn’t have had the 20 minutes for John to take me. St. Joe’s is 20 minutes away. I was afraid to put it off any longer, knowing it could easily escalate to an emergency and a bad attack where I’d have to call the ambulance. I was fortunate enough to have a woman doctor that night. She was kind and gentle, and I was given two breathing treatments as well as an antibiotic, two creams for downstairs, and a refill on my Theodur.
John, who also has asthma, was very understanding. He waited the two hours I was there, then drove me home. Tomorrow after work, John’s gonna stop with me so I can fill these prescriptions at a 24-hour drugstore.
I wrote two letters to Kim, and I have one to mail out to Fran. I spoke briefly with Tammy and Lisa earlier. They’re doing OK. I’m gonna be helping Tammy financially.
Tomorrow I must polish my nails, and perhaps Tammy’s package will arrive. I sure do hope so. I’m curious as to what she sent me.
1/22/1993 Fri. 3:47 AM
Not much happened yesterday. I cut $90 at work last night and $105 tonight.
A horrifying nightmare awaited me when I got home tonight. I ran to shut my kitchen window when I jumped away, realizing I had almost touched a huge spider! I’ve never seen anything like it—only in pictures and on TV. I Windexed it, and thank fucking God it ran toward the inside of the window. I shut it between the glass and the screen. I was still pretty freaked out. I never had such bad willies. There was no way I could sleep knowing the thing was in there, and there was no way in hell I was gonna open the window and deal with it myself. I got Mike up here and he sprayed the holy hell out of the window and my sliding door. It had gone back outside the sides of the screen.
I have no idea if it was poisonous. Was it a black widow? A type of tarantula? A brown recluse? It was easily 4–5 inches in diameter. I’m afraid to ever open the windows again—especially that one. I’ll have massive creeps.
I wonder if Tammy’s package will come tomorrow.
I really need to sleep for long enough hours, though. If Andy’s up and ready to leave at noon and I’m not, I hope he still gets my prescriptions and tries looking for some CDs of Linda’s. I gave him a list and $55.
Kara left a message saying she picked up journals at the mall. I gave her $25, as she’s always at the mall.
Last night I fell asleep at 4:30, and I knew they were coming to change the filters. The other day I called Judy and told her to have them come after noon since I sleep late. She said that’d be no problem, but sure enough, at 10:30, guess who showed up? Luckily, I napped from 2:00–4:00 this afternoon. I wish to fall asleep soon and get up at 1:00.
I got a gorgeous necklace and anklet from these sisters who sell jewelry once a week where I work.
I’ll write much, much more tomorrow, but I’m out of it now.
10 PM
Hunter is on now, and I’ll write while it’s on. When it’s over, Andy and I are gonna go to the mountain.
Well, last night was chapter one of the spider story. Tonight, I hope and pray is the final chapter. I saw it again, moving really slowly at the base of the kitchen window, between the screen and glass. I called Kara, and she so bravely walked up, opened the window, crushed it with a paper towel, and flushed it down the toilet. Thank God for her, as I couldn’t stand knowing the thing was in there—especially if it were to nest, and Kara said it looked pregnant.
Kara picked up 3 new journals today that are very nice. Now I have a total of 40.
Last night, one of the waitresses, Diana, had on a nice belt. I told her to let me know when she gets sick of it. She said for me to let her know when I get sick of my cigarette case. I just gave it to her, as I have others.
So, we got to talking, and it turns out she’s an artist and went to college for it. She seems like she may be very good, as she offered to get together with me and help me. She doesn’t have a phone, but she can get to one, so I gave her my number. She doesn’t have a car, but she says she will next week. She wrote down her schedule for me, too.
I’ve got to take my meds, then put on something warmer to go out. I’ll write later or tomorrow.
1/23/1993 Sat. 2:23 AM
Andy and I went to some dark, secluded, and quiet cemetery. He’s taken me there once before. He did an interview while I was with “Shauna.” Then he got spooked because right after he smokes pot, he gets paranoid.
We then went to Fry’s, where I got two packs of cigarettes, two candy bars, gumballs, and these awesome stickers. They’re nothing like other stickers. They’re so small and sort of padded. I put them on the sides of journals 4, 33, 36, and 39. They seem quite durable, too. I don’t really like the stars I just got, cuz the tips of them keep lifting up.
After I got out of Fry’s, we parked behind it. One guy came by to throw shit in the dumpster, then two guys walked along the back, then cut the corner to the front. Andy smoked more pot, and he got in the car when he saw the cops coming. He reeked of the shit! He said, “Oh no. You handle this. You’re great with cops.”
The cop drove up to the front of the car and shone the lights on us, then I stepped out. All he asked was if we had seen someone jump over the cement wall where we were parked. We saw no one hop the wall.
So, the cop took off, and he breathed a big sigh of relief as he still had pot in his pocket. I told him from now on to do it in his own apartment, or without me, if he’s got to do that in public. If he got in trouble, I’m not gonna go down with him if he’s caught with pot on him. He’s lucky the cop didn’t search his car. He said I was absolutely right and he won’t do that again with me around.
After that, we took off to some really classy office building. He wanted to show me this beautiful little mini pond with little waterfalls.
Then we came home, and since we can’t make prank calls, he called Laurie, the one who lives in Kara’s complex. She was pissed cuz he woke her up.
I like writing while he’s chatting with someone—someone who doesn’t know I’m on the line. So, I saw Rachel’s lights on, as they’re usually on late. I had him call her, and I put my mute on. He mainly talked about a cute, gay male friend of hers.
After the spider incident, I decided to remove some of my stuff from my patio. I don’t want to ever reach into that tall cardboard box to pull out something and see another surprise waiting there for me. All that’s left out there are my two chairs, the white wooden table Fay gave me, the plant Jeff gave me, my broom and dustpan, and my raft. I took in my photo albums. I also emptied out the two album boxes. This was also a good opportunity to junk anything I didn’t need or want. I put my tools and important papers in drawers. I threw out the two boxes, tools, and papers of no use, and those two furry rugs. I still have no idea if I’ll ever see the rest of my pictures, but I doubt it. I thought I could trust my own mother not to rip me off. Tammy and Dad would never do that, but that is something Mom would very definitely do—especially if she feels I need to “grow up” and get over my celebrity picture addiction.
Well, Andy picked up my meds for me and also two old CDs of Linda’s: Simple Dreams and Mad Love.
Stacey absolutely made my day today. Can you believe I actually like her now? I do believe she realized she did step way out of line. Also, after I let her know who she was messing with, she’s been such a sweetheart to me.
Anyway, I was on my way down to get my mail when I saw the bed frame and other shit. I said to myself, oh shit, I’m fucked now, and all the more I’ll never sleep. I asked a guy, “You moving in?” He said no, and then I realized he had on a Vista Ventana shirt, like maintenance wear. So I got the mail, then on the way back, I recognized the furniture was just like what they have here in the models. Stacey was there, and I asked her if it was now a model. She said yes, but she didn’t know for how long. Obviously, long enough, or else why would they go to all the trouble of putting in furniture, wall decorations, and other decorations? Hopefully, the next person in is Bob or someone I know, or they wait till after I’m gone. They’ll be in there early tomorrow, though, so I’m sure they’ll wake me up.
What’s up with Bob? He hasn’t called or written. Is he on his way here? Did he lose his phone? Is he in the hospital? Dead? I hope he’s OK.
I still have much more to write about, but now I need to go listen to my music.
3:40 AM
I sure hope I can fall asleep within an hour or so—especially if the bitch next door or anyone setting up the model downstairs is gonna wake me up. I’m sure something or someone will. At least it’s 50/50 rather than all the time, but it still kind of sucks and isn’t fair. I’d love to find a duplex with thick walls, a pool, laundry facilities, and no screaming kids. I really need to sleep solidly from 5:00 or 6:00 to 1:30 when Kara’s due to knock on my door, but ever since I complained about the bitch next door, she slams her door and bangs around—not all the time, but much more than ever before. What does the bitch expect? It’s her fault for bringing in 15 kids.
I called the office to ask Judy if she could send someone up to put my sliding glass door back on the tracks. She said they may not get to me till Monday, but that she promises to have them wait till at least 2 PM. Well, in case she fails to remember that, I’ll put a note outside for them not to bug me till after 2:00. At this point, I don’t believe Stacey, Paula, or Judy would do this, but I wonder if maintenance isn’t deliberately doing this. You know how guys are. I doubt it, and I’ve never had any major hassles with them, but they know I sleep late. Several times, very early, they talk loudly outside the window and little shit like that. Mike knows I sleep late, and he’s the one who came up to do the filters. If it happens and I see a pattern, I’ll get them up in the middle of the night.
Tony, the gay guy who lives below Andy, may be on reserve as far as getting me to work. Other than John, these cab drivers are totally unreliable. If I do call, I’ll never request a personal, especially from Lou. Once, he almost got me there late, and the second time, he stood me up. He also stood John up. The operators and dispatchers are screwed up, too. If I need a cab, I’ll just call any cab and wait out by the road so they don’t drive by and get lost. Tony said he’s usually home at 5:30, so if Andy can’t take me, he said he would at 5:45. I’ll pay him $5. Andy’s working tomorrow, so he can’t take me. I’ll ask Tony at 5:00. If he says no, I’ll call a cab at 5:00 so I have plenty of time.
As I was sitting on the utility box last Thursday, I knew Paula was coming, cuz I know her footsteps. I called out, “I knew it was you.” She asked if I was going to work. I told her how screwed up the cabs were, and she agreed. She knows where Sha Na Na’s is and said at least it isn’t far. That’s true. It’s only 10 minutes away.
It was nice to see so many women in there the last night I worked. There were about 8 of them. I noticed this very pretty and feminine woman sitting at the bar. I also noticed she was eyeing me quite a bit. So I approached her and told her I was about to do something bold and brave that I’d never done before. I asked if she was bi or gay. She asked if I was hitting on her. I said if the feeling was mutual. She said she was but wasn’t about to discuss it with her brother sitting right there. She told me she was a dancer there 3 years ago and that her name was Denise. I gave her my number, but she won’t call. The pretty ones never do. She also had been drinking, so she could’ve forgotten who the hell I am.
Later on, after she left, 3 guys came in whom I’d seen before. They’re friends with one of the waitresses. A girl was with them, and right away I could tell she was gay. She’s so-so, but maybe she would look better out of a smoky, dim bar. She was a little chunky, with straight, long black hair cut short in front and on the sides. This is a typical butch haircut, but at least the long part was way more than a few strands. She looks mean and hardcore, but she’s much friendlier when you talk to her. Her voice is also higher, sweeter, and friendlier than you’d expect it to sound. She has dark eyes, and I figured she was either Indian or Mexican. Well, she’s Mexican and originally from New Mexico, speaks fluent Spanish, is 22 years old, and goes to auto mechanic school—a job that seems very fitting for her. Completely suits her. She even shocked me by telling me she has her own place and a car.
At one point, we went into the bathroom together, where we talked. She had to go pee, but on my way out, she kissed me. She also did that in the dancing area (quicker ones), and I gave her 3 table dances and she totally drooled all over me all night. All the other girls say they’ve also given women table dances.
After she left, Jim (the bouncer) commented on how she really likes me. He also said he had several gay friends, male and female. I told him what I go for and that he could get my number from the bar to give to anyone who may be interested. I gave Linda my number, figuring that she’d call, cuz there is no real lust or spark. However, she may be an acceptable settlement. It’s too soon to tell after only seeing her for an hour in a dim, smoky bar. I just hope she’s not rough and doesn’t want anything serious. It’s been a year now, so it’s so hard to start up anything again after all that time.
Anyway, I’d describe her as a butch with a touch of femininity—or a feminine butch.
Time for bed. God, I hope I don’t get woken up!
1/24/1993 Sun. 4:11 AM
So far I’ve cut about $1,000!!!!!!! Boy, does this feel weird, yet great. I’ve set aside a little stash I’m saving to send to Tammy.
No wonder her package hasn’t come yet. I got a postcard from UPS to call them to correct my address. The name’s right as well as the city, street, state, and zip. But it says “room 2475.”
I also got mail from Mom. She sent tons of cigarette coupons, which I threw out. They’re nasty brands and now I can afford to buy Carltons. I just now realized that. These cigarettes go fast too, cuz they’re like air.
She also sent an American Express traveler’s check for $50. Now, why would she send that? Plus, it says Bank of Boston. That’s odd. Anyhow, I’m gonna send this check right on back. I called and got their machine. I didn’t even know they had one, but I told them the best times to call me. I also told them I’d send the check back and that I’d pay for all their calls to me.
I’m getting too tired to write much more, but I slept OK pretty much yesterday. I think at 10:30 I heard a bang, but I quickly fell back to sleep. I slept for about 6 hours.
Tonight I go in at 7:00 instead of 6:00. Not only is Tony on call if Andy’s working, but so is Mary. Mary will be busy on Wednesdays, though, which is OK. I just try to find out by 5:00, so I can call a cab if I need to. They can be busy, unpredictable, and undependable.
As I was sitting out on the utility box waiting for a cab by Mary’s side, Judy walked by my side, and we said hi. Then Judy came around to the sidewalk, even with me, to continue on to the office when Mary opened her kitchen window. We said hi, and Judy looked back with such a funny and confused look on her face. She couldn’t figure out if I was talking to her or to myself. Then Mary came out and chatted with me until the cab came.
1/25/1993 Mon. 3:40 AM
Since I started dancing, several girls have quit or been fired. Several new ones were just hired. Brandy and Joy were fired for hooking. Brittany’s no longer there, so I guess the costume she lent me is now mine to keep. Maya’s threatening to quit and Diana just quit. We just got 5 new girls: Diamond, Pearl, Alexis, Chelsea, and Dani. There are probably more whose names I can’t remember.
Diamond did my hair the other night. Better than anyone else ever has. It held up so well and the stuff she sprayed in it never made me sneeze.
Alexis and Chelsea are sisters, and it seems Alexis could be bi-curious.
Dani’s so nice, and we chatted tonight as it was an extremely dead night. Scott and Joe saved me, but I’ll get to who they are later.
My stomach is growling so bad, so I’m gonna continue after I go make a TV dinner.
1/26/1993 Tues. 3:30 AM
Linda called earlier and I strung her along as usual. She’s just too damn desperate-sounding. At the bar she was, too. She claims she’s still playing the field, which very well could be true, as that’s what most people do. But when she says, “I love you” after she leaves a message and says she’s tried calling 20 times, that makes me wonder. She’s also not that attractive in my opinion. She’s just too persistent, and she does seem like she’d like to do much more than “play the field” with me. She also seems like she could be too rough with me or even violent if she can’t get her way. Maybe I am judging her cruelly, harshly, and unfairly. I know I hate being judged even though I’m plenty used to it. She really could be a sweet, gentle, loving girl. But I’m gonna follow my gut and not take a chance on her. I’ll tell her she’s too persistent. It’s too hard to get involved, even for one night after all this time. Time is also something I don’t have too much of. I want my space when I’m off work. My job and music are my top priorities.
I met a deaf guy who’s friends with Dave (a bartender and the one who hired me) at work, whose name is Willie. John knows him, too. We signed a lot and exchanged numbers. It sure was different dancing and signing at the same time.
3:55 AM
John turned out to be a really cool, honest, and mature guy. He’s 100% sure I’m gonna make it musically and is to be my bodyguard. He already is, and he surely will be if we go to Chicago. And I’ll feel totally safe, too.
So what’s all this about Chicago? Well, let me write a few other things in here first.
I’m not speaking to Andy right now cuz he’s being a selfish, stubborn asshole over a videotape. When he went to Vegas, I followed instructions properly to change the channel on the cable box, and it appears that what he wanted taped never got taped. He took a fit over that, then quickly dropped it. He tried to get a copy (Fleetwood Mac) from Mary back in MA and Channel 10. He thought I did this deliberately, which is BS, but anyway, I gave him money to help him out and it was over. I thought.
A few nights later, we went to the cemetery and other places I mentioned and he was fine. The next day, on his way to work, he said he still wasn’t over it and he didn’t want to fight, so he’d be in a good mood at work. He also said it was something someone said, which I knew instantly was bull cuz I haven’t spoken to anyone about him. Nothing personal, only trivial, but I know he tells people all kinds of shit about me. So I left a bullshit message saying I got a call with shit revealed to me that pissed me off and that I don’t want to talk to him for a while. I also told him I wouldn’t wake him up or go into his apartment—God only knows he’d fucking flip if I didn’t tell him that.
It’s pot paranoia. He also takes his misery out on others. When I’m miserable, I try to hang with those who’ll boost me up, not go look for people to kick down with me. Things are going too well now for me to bother with anyone with an attitude like that.
4:12 AM
Laurie called twice earlier. I’m sure Andy was on the line, but if he was, fine. The first time she asked if they were hiring waitresses at the place where I work. I believe they are, I told her, cuz Diana just quit.
The second call was to tell me something oh so familiar. She’s struggling financially, fighting with her mom, and wants to drive me to and from work for $5. I said she could drive me in, but John gets me home. However, if he’s off when I’m on, I’ll let her know. I also said I’d give her some food stamps.
She can make $5 extra on Saturday by taping Variety 104.7 from 7:00 PM–9:00 PM for me. There’s a special on Gloria.
I’ll tell Tony about Laurie driving me in. Also, I’ll let him know when and if I need him.
I still have so, so, so much to write about, but I’m zonked. That’s good, though.
Wow! I just heard on the radio it’s to be 75° for the next two days! Ha, ha, Tammy!!
I called UPS today to clear up my address with them and her package should definitely be here today.
9:20 PM
I spoke to Tammy today and told her UPS screwed up her package. It never came today. I called them and the girl there told me it’ll come tomorrow. It fucking better.
I also told Tammy all my good news, which I’ll finally write about tonight.
10:00 PM
I had to stop to call Kara before I forgot. She may be over if Ashley shuts up and goes to sleep.
Now I’m really pissed at Andy. I need a few weeks without him, as that little fuck never fails to try to come between my friends and me. Luckily, Kara isn’t Brenda. The whole time they were out last Friday doing errands, he ran his mouth about me, cutting me down. Kara tried telling him over and over to shut up about shit involving either just me or me and him. It’s up to me to tell shit about me, and shit dealing with both of us is between both of us. Every time she’d tell him to shut up, he’d continue anyway. Why doesn’t the bastard just write a book about me? He lives for talking about me, like I live to be a singer. I’ve been really helpful to him since I began making money, and this is how I’m treated.
He’s happy I have Kara, and he’s happy I have this job, but at the same time, he’s insanely and stupidly jealous. Especially now that he’s in a bind financially and basically only has acquaintances. He doesn’t see as much of Donna, Diane, Velma, or Laurie. There’s a great difference between envy and jealousy.
11:33 PM
Kara came over after I wrote my last sentence. We had a nice talk.
Before I forget, let me mention a few things about yesterday. This new maintenance guy came over to fix my sliding door, which is still screwed up. Man oh man, did he get personal. I’m pretty sure he’s all talk. I know I could beat the shit out of him, but I don’t know about other women. Basically, he told me how good I look, but he was friendly. Told me that anything I said he’d never repeat, and shit that wasn’t important.
I told Stacey about it and said she didn’t have to say anything to him unless his mouth turned into actions, but to just be aware. Especially for the sake of other women, cuz I can take care of him myself. I’m not one bit worried about having to punch his lights out if need be.
I also told Stacey I am now 99% sure Robert was the one who shot the firecrackers up here.
Not only is Stacey nicer, but so are Paula and Judy, even though those two were always nice. I chatted with Paula for a brief moment yesterday as she was closing the model below me. I was ordering Chinese food and Paula mentioned she heard the food at Chiam’s was good. It’s the only good Chinese place out here. I brought the number and address to her at the office and she was very grateful.
1/27/1993 Wed. 12:07 AM
Today, as I was doing my laundry (yesterday), I saw an ad. The ad said, “We need to get out of our lease and will pay $250 cash.” I called and met this girl, Kathy. No, she was no butch. She was feminine, kind of pretty, and with a guy. They got caught with 2 cats, so they’re moving. It was a small 1-bedroom, which was bigger than I thought. We went to the office and spoke to Paula and Judy. Judy said cuz I just began my job, they may need Mom and Dad to co-sign. Then I thought about it and decided to wait till my lease is up here and get something bigger and even better. Plus, I have just begun to get my act together, even though I plan on keeping it that way. I can’t be bothered at this moment with moving, what with the dancing and other stuff going on, too. I need to help Tammy, too.
About two weeks ago, I met this really cool guy at work. He’s pretty wealthy, too and owns a few businesses. He gives me lots of tips and he’d rather talk with me than have me dance for him, which is cool with me. He has a connection with Capitol Records in Los Angeles. Some guy he knows, to whom he sent a tape I made. Who knows about that, but right now I have the biggest, best, and most promising news ever. I think I got my foot in the door for sure. This is not the younger and naïve Jodi saying this. This is the Jodi of today who did all her homework along with John.
John and I both talked to this guy named Joe, who says he managed Civil Defense and Society Slaves under the name Mercury. He’s bi and his band’s all gay guys whom he’d send into Entertainer’s Inc. to back me musically on a free demo. He told me to call a guy named Al in Chicago, where their main studios are. He said they only have one of their studios here, but if Al couldn’t book me here in Phoenix, he’d fly me and John free to Chicago. I asked why he would do all this for me. He told John and me, “I have nothing to gain but my name on her record as she has talent and I believe she can go a long way. It’ll boost the company up, too.”
So John did some homework and called this guy in Chicago. This guy’s for real! He’s 100% legit! So I spoke with John and Joe. Joe also spoke to Al and Al’s gonna call me. Joe feels this can all be done in a week or two.
Desperado Linda called last night and two nights ago. She called while Kara was here. This woman scares the shit out of me. I’m following my gut. No way! She’s just like a man.
I am gonna go listen to music soon and maybe watch some shows I taped.
12:45 AM
So it’s been 5 years and 3 months since I began all my journals.
I slept in way too late today, even though I surely needed to. I got up at 3:00, so it’ll be hard to sleep before 7:00, and UPS is coming today. I’m sure they’ll be here earlier than usual. If I only sleep 5 hours, then OK, as I had plenty of sleep.
Tomorrow I’m gonna tell Laurie that I can’t stop her or Andy from talking, but that I refuse to discuss him when we’re together. I’ll also make damn sure I never say anything I don’t want Andy to hear. And he would hear it.
I haven’t heard from my parents since I left the message. They’re either not home, busy, can’t get ahold of me, or they dumped me. If they did dump me, that’s their problem. Not everyone is just like Dureen and Art O.
1:01 AM
I can hear that stupid little shit next door. I’m sure he’s enjoying his night off. He sure had a hell of a nerve being all sweet and lovey-dovey to my face last Friday night, while only a few hours earlier, he cut me down to Kara. Kara said that if he asks her to tag along on errands, she’s not gonna just say no. She’s gonna tell why. He needs to get off the fucking pot, which makes him so paranoid and go from A to Z. He brought this all on himself and I certainly need time. He can leave a million pleading messages, but I need a few weeks at least.
1:50 AM
I am now watching Jenny Jones, a talk show. It’s all about women who like younger men.
I just realized that I can’t send that traveler’s check back as Ma paid cash for it. I am sure it’s non-refundable. I’ll cash it and send it to Tammy along with other money in a money order.
I just sent Nervous a letter and tomorrow Kim returns from Florida. She’ll have 3 shocking, surprising, yet great letters. All with fantastic news as well as funny stuff.
Aside from helping Tammy with financial matters and going shopping, I’ll find out exactly how much I must pay to have my blocks lifted since I haven’t been here a year. I’ll probably have to pay over $100. Maybe around $150, but that’s no problem. Damn! That feels so weird saying that and it probably will for a while. I’ll owe fuckface phone bill money, too.
I still have not heard from Bob, so I have no idea what he’s up to or where he is.
I think Rachel moved back to Oregon or Alaska. Oh well.
I’ll first see if Kara can tape Gloria from the radio special before I ask Laurie.
2:06 AM
Unfortunately, I am not one bit tired. I surely won’t end up with much sleep, but I’m gonna bust my ass at work and work my ass off (excuse the pun). Why? More money, of course, unless it’s as dead as Sunday was, even though I doubt it’ll be. It’ll also knock me out sooner when I get home.
I’ll need Laurie to bring me to and from work as John’s off. I spoke to John earlier and told him about my arrangement with Laurie.
I know Laurie sincerely needs help, but is Andy trying to get us to be friends so he can come between us? Probably. However, Laurie is not going to be my “friend.” I’m paying her to drive me to help me out while I help her out.
When Linda called earlier, I went a little funny on her. Kara and I were laughing our asses off. Linda was too, but I still have a bad feeling about her. Whenever she calls, I’ll just read this journal pretty damn out of order. She asked why I hung up on her Monday night. Of course, I didn’t hang up on her. I told her to call me back as I had other stuff going on. She then asked if the other stuff was more important than she. Yes, I told her. I think she was half serious and half playing with me, but either way, that’s pretty pushy, desperate, and persistent. She also told me she refuses to give up on me. Perhaps this can be a really fun game after all. This is what I was gonna do if I ever got calls from those gay bars.
This girl is either sweet, gentle, and sincere or a rough, crazy brute. I just don’t know if she’s desperate in the right way or in the wrong way. We all take risks and chances, but I’d rather not with this girl. I’ll just keep playing with her, which sure is fun. She keeps calling me “girl” too when I have a name.
I think I’ll send her to Building 10 across from me, where I can still see her. I don’t want to send her downstairs as I couldn’t watch her without her noticing me. At Building 10, I can watch her more discreetly without being detected. She’s less likely to notice me or hear me laugh my ass off.
I’ve met and heard of other gay and violent women, but I’ve never been wanted by a woman who literally scared the shit out of me. I’m terrified to death of this girl. She makes me think of a violent butch (even with a touch of femininity) who is in jail and beats, rapes, and dominates other women. Only 10% of me feels this girl is sounding and being pushy out of good intentions. I can picture her making love to a woman, being gentle at first, then so suddenly turning into a rough brute. Out of bed, I can see her asking a woman to cook dinner. The woman says yes. Then I can see her asking the woman to do the dishes. She says, “No, not now.” Linda then beats the shit out of her. It reminds me of the night I met her, and Rena said she looked hardcore. Gee, I wonder why?
I must go read what Tina’s old apartment number is so I can send her there. She says her car will be fixed tomorrow. I’ll bet she has a truck like Andy next door does. Women like her love trucks and Jeeps.
Well, anyway, I’m off to my next journal. With work now, I did not expect to finish this journal till some time in February. I most certainly hope and pray to God that during my next journal, I cut my demo. I feel that I truly will. I’ll have only one thing left to achieve since I don’t want a kid or a girlfriend. That is quitting smoking, as I can’t last long with cutting down. I have to either smoke or quit. I can’t cut down and stay that way.
I’ll also ask John about cheap motels, as Andy’s sister and nephew are coming at the end of February. It sucks to have to leave so he can have company, even though that’s his right. At least I can afford it.
1/29/1993 Fri. 10:30 PM
I have some updating to do on that guy Scott I mentioned at the end of my last journal, but I’ll get to it later.
Last night I worked, I cut $94 and $112 the previous night. I sent Tammy 4 envelopes stuffed with cash. I sent $280. I’ve also sent letters, but I haven’t heard from my parents or Bob. I got postcard number 3 from Kim, who’s been home for a few days now. It’s a really cool card.
