December 1989

12/2/1989 Sat. 1:20 PM

Well, I am now on flight 777 and to hell with Springfield for one solid week! I had no problems taking off, either. I didn’t get nauseous or dizzy but my ear is blocked. Unfortunately, though, it is extremely cloudy. I cannot see any houses or cars or buildings. The captain just said we’re at 35,000 feet up and most of the flight will be over water. Here, up above the clouds, it is very fuzzy but down below me, it’s all clouds that kind of look like snow. When I look straight down, I can see the exact same spot for ages, so it looks like the plane is really moving a lot slower than it actually is.

Andy brought me to the airport. It was very easy at the counter and boarding. It’s just as simple as taking the bus.

I just read a letter he wrote me that he ordered me not to read till after takeoff. It had a lot of our funny lines and sayings in it. I’m gonna miss him, and I know he’s gonna go nuts and be bored out of his mind without me, so he’ll probably leave funny messages on my machine.

2:15 PM

We’re still at 35,000 feet. It’s amazing how smooth this flight is. Last time, I could barely write.

I just polished my nails, which I didn’t get to do cuz I was up since yesterday at 5 pm and fell asleep this morning at 7:00. I didn’t get up till 10:50 when Andy called for the third time. Thank fucking God I heard the phone that time.

I’ll probably polish my toenails when I get there and iron this skirt of mine that’s pretty wrinkled. I did all my dishes except for one, which I just rinsed out and a few pieces of silverware. I also never changed my bed. I did vacuum, clean the bathroom, bring out my garbage and do most of the important laundry.

Now the question is, what did I forget? Well, if I forgot anything, I’ll figure out just what it is when I get to Florida.

The captain says we won’t be arriving in West Palm Beach till around 4 pm. Luckily, I have a direct flight this time. The captain says it’s 79º, but I still can’t see anything but clouds.

The stewardesses served soda, coffee and peanuts practically right away. Now they’re serving lunch.

The plane’s getting a little bumpy now. We were over Virginia Beach about 10 minutes ago.

I’m so happy. I really need this vacation and I really think this time I’ll enjoy it and my parents. I can’t wait to see them.

I just received lunch a short while ago and it was gross but airplane food sucks, anyhow, just like hospital food. I just ate a little rice and carrot cake.

At Bradley, before boarding, Andy bought me lunch just like he bought me dinner at Denny’s two nights ago after going to Annie’s, a straight bar where he has friends that constantly come into Denny’s. He also gave me a $20 bill, so I wouldn’t have to stop at the ATM. I’m gonna really make all this up to him. He tells me I’m gorgeous a lot cuz I’ve really improved my looks, my hair, my clothes, my figure, and he says, “You are so beautiful that I can’t believe you’ve never been with a woman.”

Is that why I never get hit on by them? Andy’s gay friend Nancy says I’m cute but too troubled. Gee, thanks! Guess she’d rather the druggies. I deserve someone so much more than 95% of the people in this world, but I’ll be alone forever, so better to just accept it now rather than freak out about it. People look at my bad points and never my good. Or they misunderstand me or exaggerate my bad points.

Andy says that the reason why people are afraid to hit on me is cuz I’m so good-looking that people feel intimidated and threatened by my looks, so they can go for the ugly druggies all they want and live happily ever after.

My Mom better not give me any hassles over my bathing suits or makeup or my other clothes. She’s got to realize that styles change and different people prefer different styles and that it’s not the clothes you wear, but the person underneath.

9:48 PM

I arrived at the airport at almost 4:00, and I feel so much better in my lungs and nose. The air here is so much cleaner and already it’s easier to breathe and I know I could sing my best right now but my mother, of course, would have a heart attack. I can’t wait to spend some time alone with Dad.

We went out to eat and I got a hamburger, then we went swimming at the pool that has a whirlpool. Tomorrow I want to go to the other pool with the beach behind it, but as usual, cuz I’m here, I think it’s gonna be overcast and chilly. From now on, I really ought to come down in April or September.

10:45 PM

Believe it or not, I’m still wide-awake, but very relaxed. It’s weird sleeping with Mom and Dad a few feet away, watching TV. See what living alone for 4 years does to you? When they go to sleep, I’m sure I’ll sleep fine. I did the last time.

I’m so thrilled at how much better I can breathe. Springfield is so fucking polluted. I mean, really and you don’t realize it till you get down here. I would give anything to live here. This island is so beautiful and so peaceful. No drugs. No crime. No troublemakers and typical males. It sure would be hard to meet other gay women in this area but I’d give my fucking life to live here. There’s no way I could, though. Ma would never ever consider it and I could never do it on my own. Of course, not till I get famous, and what about Andy? It’s just so easy to breathe, though. Could have a tan and wear bathing suits and tank tops and shorts year-round. No heavy coats. No gloves. No hats. No boots. I could breathe, but it’ll do me no good to even dream about it. See, I know medication isn’t the answer. I need to be in a beautiful place like this with the beaches. Then I’d never think of a lover. I’d do just fine by myself.

12/3/1989 Sun. 7:30 PM

Today we went to a flea market, and I bought a gorgeous bikini that I saw in a catalog for over $40 for only $15. It’s almost like a leopard kind of print, and it’s a French-cut, which means it’s high-waisted and makes you look like you’ve got longer legs. It’s cut just perfectly with the perfect fit.

I also got some postcards which I’m gonna write and mail tomorrow and one of those huge elastics with lots of cloth on it. The one I got is blue denim.

And last of all, I got a beautiful necklace. A short, thick gold chain with a red, shiny glass stone in the front.

Andy called today to say he misses me already and that he’s got the next 5 days off cuz Crosby’s been giving him shit again and he and I are going to the labor board for damn sure. He says he’s so lost and bored without me. I wish he and I could live down here. I told him I could never begin to describe how beautiful it is here and that he’d have to see it for himself, but sure enough, it’s quite chilly today and will be till Wednesday cuz I’m here. Am I cursed or what? Tammy called earlier and was laughing her ass off at me cuz of the weather I have to put up with when I want to lie out in the sun and get a tan and go swimming.

I sang several songs for Dad, which he enjoyed and he says he can see me as a singer someday for sure and he also has this feeling I’ll be making big bucks someday, and that it was meant to be.

I asked Mom if she thinks I’ll ever have kids and she said she didn’t know.

12/4/1989 Mon. 5 PM

Well, I’m 24 today and I still feel as young and as fit as a really young kid, still filled with energy to run around all day and be hyper and obnoxious at times but in a fun way.

I still can breathe so much better here, except it’s still a little rough, of course in the mornings and late at night when I’m tired. I feel no loneliness or boredom or anxiety here, but Mom still can be the usual nag she always was.

I was at Mom’s store today helping her out and she gave me a one-piece bathing suit that is pretty, but I’d rather wear a two-piece, so I can tan my stomach and not look like an Oreo cookie.

Ma’s being a total bitch right now. I could swear she just told Charlotte I looked like a slut on the phone in her bedroom.

Earlier, Dad and I fished from the dock and I was able to get a little sun but it’s chilly now.

Dad’s out cooking steaks on the grill.

12/9/1989 Sat. 7:20 PM

Once again, I’m on the plane and headed home. I can’t wait to see Andy, and I sure miss my music. The only thing that pisses me off is that I’ve got a lousy cold, like I knew I’d be getting sooner or later. I just didn’t think I’d get it before going home. I got it the day after my birthday.

Ma gave me lots of clothes and jewelry for Chanukah.

I sang for Dad several times and he says he can definitely picture me on records and tapes someday and he’s got the feeling now, stronger than ever, that it is my destiny and was meant to be and will happen.

November 1989

11/9/1989 Thurs. 10:10 PM

Well, once again, I’ve seemingly been severely punished by God, but I knew it would happen, I asked for it, and I’ve paid the consequences. It all comes down to trying to find love and romance again. And for once, I’m not the least bit upset by what I’m about to write about cuz like I said, I expected it all the while knowing damn well that you cannot fight God and what’s in the cards for you. I’ve known since the day I was born that my sole destiny in life was to be a singer. Not everyone can have their cake and eat it, too. Some things are meant to be for some people and some things aren’t. Besides, you can’t mix love with the music business as demanding as it is. Especially with the fact that most people are jealous of musically talented people, and they feel like you’re superior to them, so they feel threatened by you and they run. Also, people are scared of the people who are attractive cuz they fear they’ll lose you to other people.

What happened was that I called this number, where you leave a message about yourself for other gay women. You can also leave messages for men or a man can leave a message for either another man or a woman. I was supposed to meet this girl named Amy tonight here at 7:30, but she never showed up. Then, at around 9:00, I went to return a phone call to someone named Cathy and the number was out of service, so I know for sure what God’s been trying to tell me. To be alone or be with a man.

11/15/1989 Wed. 12:46 AM

At 2:00 this afternoon, I have to meet with Eric (Mr. Attitude) about re-enrolling for next semester, which isn’t till next February, but better late than never again. I had to drop out cuz of bronchitis at my doctor’s advice and he gave me a note, although for the last 3 days I’ve been feeling better. My nose and chest had been driving me crazy for so long and still do if I smoke too much or strong cigarettes like Marlboro. My new doctor, Dr. McGovern, is a super nice guy with a great sense of humor and really is trying to help. The only thing, though, is that the antibiotic the ER gave me never worked. Then Dr. McGovern tried two more things that also never worked. One of them made me puke, but as long as I go easy on the ciggies, it is considerably better. I just don’t have what it takes to quit yet, but if I did, it would certainly help 100%. I will someday. I still don’t know if I need shots. I doubt it. One thing I do know for sure from when they did the preliminary allergy testing is that I am allergic to cat, dog and horse dander as well as dust, mold and dust mites, but I’ve known that since I was a very young kid.

5:55 AM

I got restless cuz I had run out of ciggies and was dying for one, so finally, at around 4:00, Steve got home from his job at Westover Air Force Base and gave me some. He’s the black guy living across the hall.

I left a message on the school’s machine for Eric to get back to me about rescheduling our appointment cuz by 2:00, I’ll have been up 24 hours and need to sleep.

If Andy doesn’t go to school in February with me, although I really think he wants to go if our classes aren’t scheduled around the same time, then I’ll have to go elsewhere. It’d be nice to get someone who goes to homes, cuz here I have my keyboard and all my tapes, but I doubt it. Guitar or piano lessons are one thing but I’m quite sure voice teachers don’t go to people’s homes. Especially the good ones. Also, no matter where else I go, or if someone comes to me, it’ll cost me a fortune. Voice lessons just aren’t cheap, but what is?

Andy should be home in the next half-hour. Then I can tell him I’m going to Florida from December 2nd to the 9th, and also that Philip and his new girlfriend Maria are taking me to see Gloria on November 29th at the Hartford Civic Center. That’s my Hanukkah gift, and a leather mini skirt is supposed to be my birthday gift. He says he’s gonna take some pictures of me since I have no recent ones of me and that I’ve never looked better in my life. I’m a perfect 10 from head to toe except for my being slightly bow-legged, my crooked teeth and a few zits. I break out before my period.

I leave on December 2nd at 1 pm on flight 777. Philip’s gonna take me to the airport. When I return on December 9th on flight 570 at 9:25, Marty and Ruth are gonna pick me up. Phil’s gonna call the airport in advance to make sure the plane doesn’t get canceled like the last time.

I’m looking forward to having a good time with my parents and I really think I will this time. We’ve had a lot of talks and have gotten along much better for a while now. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that Mom, Dad and Tammy really see that I can sing and the talents I have achieved instrumentally, too. I sang for my sister on the phone and she was shocked. It was the first time since Thanksgiving last year that she heard me. She’s been so supportive of it and really wants me to move down still and be with her, and she wants to help me with my singing and to find someone and it’s not a bribe. She really means it, or else she’d be the last person to suggest it or get involved in any way.

11/16/1989 Thurs. 8:24 AM

To finish my story of what happened when I called that number to try to get to know other women, I learned that most of them were just out for sex, just like men. Today, there is no such thing as love. The thing today is strictly sex. Two people gave me wrong numbers, one was supposed to be here last Thursday at 7:30 and never showed up, one left a message on my machine saying she’d call me back but never did, one called to leave a message and never returned my call, some guys called me about threesomes with their wives, and 3 different times while I was in the middle of talking to either boring women or women just wanting sex, the line was disconnected and I know they didn’t hang up. It was more like a case of divine intervention.

11/19/1989 Sun. 3:18 AM

The morning before yesterday, at around 10:00, I got this call from a girl named Margaret. I was tempted to hang up on her at first, but we ended up talking for over two hours. By now, we’ve talked on the phone for a total of 6 hours. She seems very, very friendly and honest, despises drugs and wants to settle down with someone the right way, with no lies or cheating and she thinks along the same lines as I do. Everything I want, like, don’t want or don’t like, she agrees with.

The only thing that bugs me a little is that her accent is like Mary D and she’s from Westerly, Rhode Island, but that’s minor as long as she’s Miss Right and is attractive, but that’s my biggest fear right there. Is God ever gonna allow me someone attractive, even if they’re right for me? No way!

I mean, she sounds far from ugly and is definitely gonna be many steps prettier than Mary or Linda, but she tells me she’s not feminine and doesn’t wear makeup, earrings or skirts and dresses. There have been some women who were between butch and feminine that I found attractive but not many.

Well, maybe God will bend the rules this time, but I doubt it. I am gonna be honest with her if she doesn’t turn me on sexually, which I think will devastate her from the way she sounds. I mean, inside, she seems all I’ve ever wanted, but outside, I just know there won’t be any physical attraction.

Oh God, please change the rules and let me be attracted to her! Please!!

She’s gonna be here tomorrow at around 10:00 after a 2-hour drive.

She has a good-paying job and makes good money which I’d never use her for, likes the same kind of activities, loves to cook, says she’ll be behind my music career 100% of the way, wants to get married someday, and possibly have a child, weighs 120, is 5‘6”, but her hairstyle kind of sounds like that of a butch. She says it’s getting long and is going to continue to let it grow, and all of this is great, but I just hope to God I’m as attracted to her as she’ll no doubt be to me.

11/29/1989 Wed. 5 AM

Sure enough, Margaret turned out to be not quite as ugly as Mary or Linda, but she wasn’t too much prettier, either. A definite butch, too. She had nice teeth and ok eyes, but her hair was disgusting.

She was very hyper and nervous, and I feel bad for her cuz she really did mean well. She is very friendly and honest and she just wants to settle down with someone and love them and be loved in return. I think she’d be good for someone and would never hurt them but I’m fucking sick and tired of getting all the ugly ones! Why me, huh?!?! Am I that ugly myself?

I give up. I hate bars, and it just wasn’t meant to be. At age 23, if you’ve never been loved by someone decent and attractive, then it’s never gonna happen. Even if I got someone fairly decent, they’re still always ugly. Does God consider it a sin for me to be touched by someone I’m sexually turned on by? Does he also feel that I should think that looks aren’t everything? They aren’t, but what good is having a decent and compatible lover who’s so ugly?

Well, to change the subject, I’m not going to Gloria’s concert tonight cuz Phil had some financial problems where he needed money for his business.

I want to call Florida, where Estefan Enterprises is, to see if I can get a tour book.

I can’t wait till I leave this Saturday. I really need a break cuz I’ve been feeling like complete shit both physically and emotionally. Hopefully, this vacation will revive me till I have to come back to my boring life. Since I can’t work and have nothing to do, especially with Andy working 3rd shift and sleeping in the daytime, and since I can’t be with anyone, I’m going crazy.

Tammy wants me to move down with her and I really think I will cuz I’m losing my energy. I have no motivation to do my music or to do anything really and I won’t even mention my sleeping and eating habits. I need my family now for sure.

October 1989

10/4/1989 Wed. 3:25 AM

A few things have happened since I last wrote. First of all, I didn’t speak to Andy for a few days, and he admitted to being a jerk at times and that he’s had other friendships that he’s lost, but he says he still knows his future lies with me. I know I sure couldn’t live without him, and as he says, God connected us for sure. We have so much in common besides the music business. Right now, we’re on the phone calling all the people on the list we made last April with the funny names.

10/18/1989 Wed. 3:30 AM

So much has happened since I last wrote. Well, first of all, I’m just starting to recover from what was a massive case of the flu that turned into bronchitis. For 4 days I felt like I was literally going to die, so Steve brought me to the ER where I was given a breathing treatment and put on an antibiotic and was told the next time I ever get a cold or the flu to get into the ER right away cuz I have asthma and allergies and they complicate each other and the flu gets worse along with my breathing, although I’m starting to feel much better now, I’m still pretty stuffed in the nose and ear.

Andy and I have been getting along pretty well and he says people at work are dropping hints that Crosby’s on his way out the door. I want the job back and Andy feels there’d be a good chance, but I doubt it with Demeter.

Today I have music theory. Tomorrow I have court, and at 7 pm, if I’m not as stuffed up, I’ll be auditioning for a band, which I’ll write more about later. Friday, I have therapy. My therapist, Martha, is super nice and very pretty in some ways. She’s kind of quiet, though, unlike Trisha.

September 1989

9/1/1989 Fri. 7:47 AM

I am still wide awake after going to the Pub last night with Andy, then over to his place to see an old special of Charlie’s Angels. Kate Jackson was just as gorgeous as I remembered her to be, except the clothes were hideous back in the 70s with those hideous bell-bottom jeans.

God and our grandparents sure were with us once again last night when a drunk driver came flying out of nowhere through a stop sign as we were cutting through side streets from Belmont Ave. to Sumner Ave., and we just missed hitting this car by only inches. We would’ve been dead for sure and Andy had kept saying he had this feeling all night that we’d have a close call with death. This is why I’m terrified to drive. If it had been me driving, I’d have panicked and not hit the brakes in time. There are so many crazy drivers out there, especially at 2 am when the bars close. He’s an excellent driver. I’m not able to be as alert as he is and most people are and observe everything around me besides just straight ahead. He always wears his seatbelt, but that time he didn’t, and after that close call, we both buckled up. We just weren’t meant to die, I guess. We both know for sure why we’re alive.

I asked Andy why I’m not ugly or butch-looking since I’ve been ordered to be celibate by God, and he says it’s for my career. He’s probably right. When I said God forbids me to have sex with an attractive woman and that it can only be ugly dykes or men, he said I could have sex with a good-looking woman, but that I couldn’t have a relationship cuz of my chemical imbalance and I agree for sure.

We went to the Springfield Denny’s for breakfast, then did some errands, got my refill on Navane, and I’m gonna go to bed cuz he’s gonna be here at 6:00 to do his laundry.

9/4/1989 Mon. 6:17 AM

The night before last, I got a phone call about Nissan. I talked to two women. I know the first one I spoke with was definitely Linda, asking about Jessie, Andy and Tony. Whoever the hell Tony is beats me, unless she’s talking about Tony the cop. The second person I spoke to knew Nissan for sure and mentioned some of the shit that happened with us, saying she’s out to get me and that she’s talking about me to everyone, and that she investigated me and knows I’m a pain in the ass and that I’ve been arrested, in institutions and so on. She says that Nissan’s been having a hell of a field day at my expense, as if that hurts to know. Then, she said she wanted to meet me and that she understood my fears and concerns, after asking me a million questions and saying she didn’t know Julie and only knew Nissan vaguely, and that she was just a passenger at the time when she heard me go off and then apologize, saying I didn’t take my meds, which I don’t remember at all. Then she said that she thinks Nissan’s an asshole and she wants to meet me cuz she’s also a victim of society, foster homes, and assholes, then she’d swing back to the Nissan’s-gonna-get-you routine.

She sounded very butchy and I sure as hell don’t trust her and I think she’s pretty pissed about my not wanting to meet her. I wonder what Linda’s explanation about all this will be. She was definitely the first voice I heard, but I never heard that girl with the younger, higher voice before in my life.

I know this was tied in with Nissan, but now I know Linda’s involved, too. I wonder if Linda knows Nissan. And how do they know about my record? Did I mention it to Linda? Maybe she is a cop now, or cop-connected. I don’t know if I can trust her now. Is this for not being interested in her after she told me she thought I’d make her a good wife before I moved back here?

I taped the whole thing, but couldn’t tape the first one I got several weeks ago cuz I didn’t have this recording device before.

9/16/1989 Sat. 1:40 AM

I start music school tomorrow! Tomorrow’s my theory class from 3:30-4:30, then Wednesday’s my piano class from 11:30-noon, and voice is from noon-12:30. I’m really psyched, but my breathing’s really pissing me off. I got a scholarship, but cuz they only have so much scholarship money to go around, I put off the guitar for a while.

Jessie did convince me, however, to check out HCC. I know I didn’t give it much of a chance, but that’s cuz I didn’t want to have to take all the other stuff that’s required with it and was terrified of all the paperwork, but she says it’s a cinch and that the extra stuff is easy as hell.

Also, we were discussing the possibility of us moving to Easthampton where there’s no waiting list for subsidy and that’s not a housing project-type building like Carabetta. It allows you to choose wherever you want to live as long as the landlord accepts it, and you can have up to 5 bedrooms even though it’d be just me, her and Wyatt, who’s now 16 months. She is the only other one I could live with besides Andy and even though Andy and I have more in common than me and Jessie, me and Jessie don’t have this tension between us like Andy and I do. Well, I’m not gonna do anything unless I’m 100% sure of it, and if I do, it won’t be for a while.

The other night, Jessie and I went out for Chinese food and I teased the shit out of her over her $300 phone bill, which got disconnected. Her adoptive father is Big Bird of Sesame Street. You’d think he’d want to help her out more often. Anyway, she said she’ll call me from a payphone or school or her Mom’s house.

Dad was all psyched about school and I think he realizes now that it’s important to me to do only what I love and he definitely feels I’ve got what it takes.

They’re supposed to be sending me some clothes by UPS.

4:32 PM

Well, they screwed up my schedule at school, so I missed my fucking piano and voice class today, thinking I had theory class instead and I spoke to both my piano and voice teacher and they sounded super nice and said there’d be no problem making it up.

I haven’t heard from Jessie yet today and there’s no answer at Andy’s. He’s probably asleep and I don’t wanna call him if he’s up watching All My Children, his favorite soap, and interrupt him.

Seeing that last night was a Friday night, I was hoping that Linda and Nissan and company would call, but they never did and they probably won’t again. I really wish they’d call, though, and I never should’ve let Linda see the recording device cuz that may scare her from calling. I’m just so curious to hear what they could have to say next.

Hank from over on Oswego St. called last night and today, but I didn’t feel like talking to the drunk. I wonder how long it’s gonna take him to wake up and get the hint without me having to break his face.

9/17/1989 Sun. 11:35 PM

This morning, I woke up feeling somewhat like I was developing a cold, but I think it was just the usual stuffiness I wake up with due to smoking and allergies, and I still haven’t been eating well.

Tomorrow I’m going grocery shopping, which I hate. I’d definitely rather clean and do laundry.

9/21/1989 Thurs. 10:48 PM

I had quite a hectic day. I went to Food Mart and waited an hour for a taxi, which never came, so finally, after waiting for ages for Andy, who’s such a wonderfully considerate friend, he came in a rental car with Nancy, a gay friend of his I had never met before. I finally got home, then a few minutes ago I called to thank him, and he screams, “Fine! Forget it!” in a really snotty tone.

I am really sick and tired of his shit and his expecting me to be in a perfect mood 24 hours a day and never say anything depressing or negative. This is why I don’t associate with or meet people. I’m tired of kissing ass to the good, decent, stable people and having to watch everything I do or say. I am who I am and if people don’t like it and I’m not good enough for them, then they’re not good enough for me and I’m not gonna just settle for the mental cases and desperados.

Otherwise, after getting home and everything over with, I was feeling pretty good and Jai cooked us hamburgers, green beans and chicken noodles for dinner.

August 1989

8/1/1989 Tues. 12:36 PM

Work was a bitch last night cuz fucking Guy and Rob just don’t know what the fuck they’re doing as cooks. They had 10,000 orders and some people waited for half an hour for their food. I wish there were more cooks like Jayke.

Jayke and I definitely have to get together sometime soon.

This woman cop who came in last night was so nice and so attractive.

I tried my best to go to sleep and I couldn’t. Probably cuz I slept so much the last two days and I’m very hyped up.

I got my shopping done and Jessie’s coming over later. Tomorrow, after another fun night at Denny’s, Andy and I are going to the beach. I hope to hell I get more color. It’s already August.

8/2/1989 Wed. 11 PM

After work this morning, Andy fell asleep till almost 1:00, so we didn’t arrive here till almost 2:30. I was exhausted, so shortly after we got here, I fell asleep. I only slept 2 or 3 hours, though.

I called Tammy, whom I’m gonna see tomorrow, along with Lisa and Becky. She’s gonna make me that big gold chain.

We called Nervous and kept the sucker on the line for ages. He’s not answering now, so he probably got smart and unplugged his phone.

We went to this really fancy restaurant and the bill came to $40. Theresa T was working there. We knew her when we were kids at the beach. Her Mom died. Both her parents are gone now and she’s only 21. She looks just as pretty as she did as a little girl.

Andy’s sleeping now. I just finished listening to music and we’re supposed to go to the beach and climb our rocks, but I don’t know whether to let him sleep or wake him up. I’ll give him a little more time. He’s no doubt exhausted even though he slept this morning. We both didn’t get enough hours of sleep. It ain’t easy working graveyard while trying to remain active in the daytime. I guess I’ll lie down myself for a little while, and I hope Nervous answers his phone later, the little sucker!

This room we’re in is so small. I like Ho Jo’s much better and so does Andy.

8/3/1989 Thurs. 4 AM

Well, I just had the grandest time calling people and billing the calls to Nervous, since the asshole won’t answer his phone. He’s got it unplugged for sure. What took him so long to pick up the hint of what we were up to? He probably won’t plug it in till tomorrow, or this morning, I should say, at around 7:00, when he goes to call his mommy.

I made a call to Fran, but as usual, he wasn’t there. He’s probably at Bobbie’s. I also called Ann and Harry B, my foster parents from when I was 16 but gave them the silent treatment. They were great foster parents. It’s just that they’ve ignored me ever since I left them. Makes me feel a bit slighted.

I’ve tried several times to wake up Andy, but it ain’t doing any damn good, so I guess I’ll try to sleep myself for a few hours. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it beach time, but since I can’t, I’d better sleep or else I’ll be dead tired.

5:50 AM

Can you believe this fucking shit! I still can’t sleep. I haven’t been sleeping much lately. Either I sleep too much or hardly at all. I’m on such a screwy schedule. I gotta start eating and sleeping right and why the fuck did I ever have to start smoking again after 3 fucking days of quitting! I’m so pissed! I’m so short of breath and all stuffed up and my singing sucks, and I still don’t know for sure if it’s mostly smoking and maybe also allergies too, or what. This definitely is not caused by Sasha and I want her back! It’s a curse from God! I’m so fucking wound up and one pissed-off motherfucker!!!

8/5/1989 Sat. 9:18 AM

The beach went sucky. I was nothing but a bitch to Andy and did nothing but complain and be negative. I don’t think we’re gonna be friends much longer, and this is what I mean by how I lose decent people. I’m really only good right now for other mental cases that do nothing but complain and talk negatively.

I thought I had learned to keep my problems to myself and my fears inside so I don’t burden anyone or bring anyone down with me, but then I had to fuck it all up at the beach. I’ve learned that no one can cheer a person up and that the person has to cheer themselves up. I’ve also learned that talking about your problems only depresses people and brings them down with you and it’s gonna be very embarrassing to have to face Andy on Sunday night next time I work. I don’t want to quit the job, though, and of course, I don’t want to end our friendship, but I feel it’s best to cuz he’s only gonna end it someday. I haven’t spoken to him since Thursday night and I’m really proud that I haven’t called him. Makes me feel stronger. Talking to him is gonna do absolutely no good and if I want this friendship to continue, I’m gonna basically have to kiss his ass and be in a good mood all the time and always talk positively all the time.

8/11/1989 Fri. 6:08 AM

Life has really changed for me since the last time I wrote. Well, I finally decided to see Mario Fernandez, an allergist, and end this misery once and for all. Fernandez showed me an article saying that skin puncturing is not accurate for sure, and that it is not impossible to test for cat dander, as Walker had said, and that testing by blood is better. But it costs $425, and my insurance won’t cover it, but I knew that in order to get a good doctor, I’d have to pay, rather than see a quack who accepts Medicaid. Medicare pays for the shots, but not the blood testing. I think I can avoid shots in the end. The doctor said I have 4 choices. The first one is to take Seldane and not have Sasha, and of course, he wants me to quit smoking. If that doesn’t work, the second step is shots, the third is freezing my nose to bring down the swelling, and the fourth is straightening my nose cuz it’s slightly crooked.

Yesterday, his nurse called me and said that when he took my cultures from my nose, they found an infection, so yesterday I started both the Seldane and an antibiotic, and already I feel a difference! I think I’m gonna be able to avoid the last 3 steps. I’m gonna be singing real soon like never before, and Mom feels I can do without shots, too.

When I told Andy, he said, “I wonder how long this infection’s been going on?”

A long, long time, and cuz I put off dealing with it, it spread throughout my whole body for many, many months.

8/14/1989 Mon. 2:45 PM

Believe it or not, we’re on our way back from the beach, and we took Nervous, which we’ll never do again. It was more fun to rank on him over the phone and ring up his bill. We were gonna dump him off but after a half-hour or so, we went back and got him. He didn’t misbehave all that badly; he was just a little hyper, of course. He sure as hell was our slave, and it was so funny. The guy’s a major sucker.

Andy says, “I wish I had a sucker like him to use and rank on.”

We have so much fun antagonizing him.

As far as a sunny day at the beach - ha! It’s raining and cloudy.

8/22/1989 Tues. 7:14 AM

So much has happened since I last wrote, which was quite a while ago. Sometimes I can’t get in the mood to write. Starting with when we took Nervous to the beach, which was the last time we were there, which was hilarious as all hell. Well, after we left Ho Jo’s, we told him to wait outside so we wouldn’t be caught with him and have to pay extra, we took off without him, and then when we finally came back to get him, he was in a pickup truck with this guy Andy thought was a hunk, and was about to get a ride to the beach. So then later on, after we left the beach, in which Tammy was in her usual pissy mood, and Lisa looked really upset (Becky’s too young to catch on yet), we dumped him several times and made him walk up the street where we’d drive up to. We stopped at a pizza place, and then afterward, did the same thing. The guy is a major sucker! You should see the way he stared at my body the night before in the hotel. All I wore was a thin, see-through half-shirt and underpants.

Work was hectic last night but I made $60. Today, pervert Nervous is making a $122.75 deposit and also getting me wrappers for quarters, nickels and dimes. This week’s paycheck will be bigger cuz of my raise and next week’s will be even bigger cuz it’s for 4 days.

I met another referral from the service named Eunice, which, of course, was a major turn-off. She was pitifully ugly and seemed very stuck-up. The guy she brought with her, who was also gay, was better looking than she was. We all went to a fair and she basically ignored me the whole time. She was rude and butch-looking, but that’s typical of what God sends my way. I was far from upset by it, though, cuz I knew it was coming.

My allergies still drive me nuts and probably will continue to for a year or so cuz that’s how long it’ll take to get rid of the dander. Eggs and cheese, I am definitely allergic to for damn sure.

Otherwise, things have been ok. Had a couple of lousy days, but life’s never perfect and I’m only human. I had a good talk with this new guy, Dick, on 2nd shift, then with Tom on the graveyard shift at PCS (Psychiatric Crisis Services).

I am trying to get into Hamden District Mental Health Center here on Pine St., but I’m still waiting to hear from them for an intake. CC is out of the question. They despise me and will never return any of my phone calls and just to get even and say “fuck off,” they sent me a bill I don’t even owe.

Thursday at 2:15, I’ve got to see Fernandez again for X-rays and to figure out what to do about my infection. The antibiotic (Augmentin) he gave me was too strong and I got wicked bad dry heaves.

8/24/1989 Thurs. 1:13 AM

I had a really fun evening and the only thing in the way was my usual allergies and just feeling slightly drained from not eating too well lately due to feeling so miserable. Tomorrow I’m going to see Fernandez and we’ll see if I get anywhere with him.

Before Fernandez, Andy’s gonna take me to Saratoga Drug to get my $67 in food stamps and then bring me to the doctor. After that, I’ll go straight to Food Fart.

I’ve got to call and tell SS right away, which I keep forgetting now that I’m working.

Tomorrow, Nervous is gonna make a $90 deposit, in which I’ll have around $653 in the bank, and soon, my $502.39 and more tips and paychecks.

Speaking about my fun evening, well, Nervous brought me a phone recorder from Radio Shack, where you can record phone calls. There’s a little suction cup you place on the headset of the phone with a small black cord and the other end of it goes into the microphone jack on a tape recorder. It wouldn’t work on my box cuz the jack was too big. This one is 1/8”, so I had to get back from Nervous the tape recorder I gave him a couple of years ago. Hopefully, he’ll get himself a new box soon so he can play all his tapes. I’ve really gotten him into music. He’s hooked on Joan Baez and I’m making him more tapes of Gloria and the Judds music.

So, anyway, we recorded some crosses we made with these two confused black chicks and a few other people. Me, Andy and Nervous were all over here and Fran was at his place. It was funny as all hell cuz these people thought the lines were really crossed!

Notes that Andy and Nervous wrote:

Listen, I don’t mean to sound like Chin Fatt Kong but I hope you won’t kill me for writing in your book. I just wanted to write and say I love you! You know I really, really do! Love, Andy

To Jodi - You, my very talented young friend, will make it big in the music business some day maybe even sooner than you think. Love You, Kevin

8/28/1989 Mon. 2:11 AM

Well, last night I was very cruelly and very wrongfully fired by Crosby and even Andy’s pissed at him for what Crosby did to us before, and wants me to tell Demeter the facts or go to the Labor Board if that doesn’t work, but I’m not gonna even bother. They’re not worth the bother and I’d rather try getting into that music school I forgot to mention. Hopefully, I can get in on some kind of grant or scholarship.

It’s at the Springfield Community School of Music, which is great, so I won’t have to take math or English or any other general bullshit that is required at Holyoke Community College. Hopefully, I can major in voice and take piano and guitar, too. I don’t know how it works there but I’m going there on September 5th for enrollment. If I get the financial aid, I sure as hell hope they don’t fuck me up as they did at La Baron. But if I get in, I’ll be doing what I love to do rather than hair and nails, which I only care to do for friends, family and myself. I only hope they don’t try to say they can’t accept me cuz of my allergies and asthma.

Speaking of that, Fernandez gave me another antibiotic called Amoxicillin, which is helping quite well with no bad side effects. Also, I must have shots for 2-3 years but it’s worth it to end this misery so I can be healthy and sing well. Of course, I still wish I could quit smoking and know it’d help tremendously but I’m not gonna quit for a while, if ever. I guess I’ll just have to die 20 years younger with cancer or emphysema or a heart attack cuz I like to smoke and I need to smoke for now.

Right now I’m listening to a tape of me talking to Nervous. Yesterday I had Nervous buy me 6 90-minute tapes for phone call recording, and once they’re all completed, Andy and I are gonna edit them, taking only the best parts.

Gloria’s birthday is coming up sometime next week, but I’m not sure of the exact date. I forgot. She’ll be 32, though.

8/29/1989 Tues. 11:27 PM

I am speaking on the phone right now with Nervous. Andy and I were talking earlier, but he’s not home now. He mentioned going to pick up Roger at work, who is a major druggie, but he and Andy have known each other for a while cuz they worked together the last time Andy worked at Denny’s.

Linda popped over earlier just as I was getting out of the shower. She had handcuffs with her and said she’s going to train to be a cop, which she’d definitely be good at, and I joked with her about arresting me for prank calls.

I am one bored motherfucker since I’m not working, and even though I was wrongly fired, I still feel like a complete failure and a useless piece of shit, and I wonder where my life is leading me?

I’d better fucking get into music school!

8/31/1989 Thurs. 5:46 AM

I was very depressed earlier, but a half-hour or so after I took my meds, my mood cheered up and became more positive.

Andy came over at 1:30, and by 2:00, he was passed out on my couch and still is. Guess he’s been exhausted and I am too, but can’t sleep yet.

I am going back to CC, so it looks like. Both Osborne and HDMHC recommended I go there cuz they have more to offer, but I hope CC doesn’t pull this daycare shit on me. I just want weekly therapy with a decent female therapist and a decent shrink like Moshiri.

I really hope I’m in school at least 3 days a week and that that won’t interfere with CC or my allergy shots or anything else I ever need to do. I don’t think the school opens, though, till mid or late afternoon, which is great, but I hope that if I get in, I won’t be leaving at night. If I do, I hope I can get a ride from someone and give them gas money.

Tomorrow I’ve got to call Fernandez to let him know I’ve decided to have the blood testing, which is safer than the other kind they do, and once again discuss Medicare with them, which says they cover 80% of the $450 it’ll cost, so I’ll only have to pay $90. Mom’s gonna be sending a check for $100.

Part of me still wishes I were working at Denny’s for the extra money, but doing what I love to do and having therapy and shots are more important right now. The job had a lot of hassles and stress that were both worth it and not worth it.

July 1989

7/1/1989 Sat. 7:28 AM

I didn’t enjoy work last night, though I didn’t feel nervous, knew exactly what to do, and did it well. I made $37 in tips, plus $44 in my paycheck, then towards the end, I waited on two huge tables with several people and ended up with another $20. So $110 in all is not bad at all.

Andy and I were gonna go to the beach today, but it’s a little cloudy, and also, we may be wide awake now, but in a few hours, we’ll be exhausted, so we postponed it until next week. I need to catch up on my sleep anyway, cuz yesterday I got up at 8:00 in the morning, then last night I only slept for two hours.

Yesterday I had a great time with Mom and Dad. They told me to shop in McCrory’s and to buy anything I wanted and I bought almost $80 worth of stuff. I got these gorgeous outfits that look great on me. Three miniskirts with thick black waistbands and matching tops in deep purple, deep aqua and then one in black and white. I also got a sexy nightie, panties, nail polish, curtain rods, and a really sexy half-shirt. I should’ve bought more outfits, and I kind of want to go back and shop some more with the $20 they gave me. They didn’t have the pens I wanted or any journals. I got a really nice pair of shoes for $40.

10 PM

Soon, I leave for work, which I’m not in the mood for, but usually, once I get there, I get in the mood. I don’t know how long I’ll be working tonight, but I hope not long. If it is long, though, the money never hurts.

Just a little while ago, I went to the mall with Andy. I bought a really nice halter top with gathering at the bust. It’s gold with big black polka dots. I also bought two more of those skirts with matching tops. One’s red with tiny white dots, and one’s dark green. Last but not least, I bought two more of those snug half-shirts too, in blue and purple, and two pairs of knee-highs.

There’s this bathing suit I saw and liked, but I didn’t feel like spending another $25 and that’s what it costs, but I should’ve cuz I’ll make more than that back tonight. It’s bright green with fringes.

I’ve done so well as far as clothes in the last two days.

Today, thank God, and thanks to Nervous, who carried everything up and down the stairs, I got all my laundry and even my blue satin comforter and brown blankets done.

The only thing that sucks about winter is that I won’t be able to wear all my nice summer clothes. No beach either. Winter’s a pain in the ass with sweatshirts, long pants, coats, gloves, hats and boots. Maybe I do prefer summer in some ways, but I still feel better in the winter.

7/2/1989 Sun. 7:41 AM

I had an excellent night at work. I made a little over $50 and felt so confident and at ease. I did it!!! I am definitely gonna keep this job. I owe so much to Andy, though. If it weren’t for him, not only would I not play the piano as I do now, but I’d still be so lost with no one, no job, no confidence. He says he’s really proud of me and that he knew I wasn’t a weakling.

Jayke and Scott were so happy I didn’t quit and that I stuck it out and the managers are really proud of me, too. Also, last night, both Robin and Libby treated me like gold and were such sweethearts. Pattie and Bonnie were off last night. So night shift is just me, Andy, Bonnie, Pattie, Libby, Robin, Jayke, Rich, Scott and Glen. It’s an excellent crew. Sometimes when things get hectic, people get bitchy, but basically, everyone gets along and helps each other when needed.

I’m working the next 3 nights and deducting my rent and bills, I have about $500 and it’s only the beginning of the month! It totally blows my mind!

I’m definitely gonna buy a new guitar and a VCR someday soon, and go back and get that suit and possibly more clothes. Other than that, I’m gonna save most of it and let it build up.

I feel so bad for Andy, though. He doesn’t make shit cuz he’s a guy, though he does a damn good job.

7/3/1989 Mon. 10:53 AM

Andy and I just finished talking and making some calls and crossing people. We were well due for some fun. We haven’t made any calls in over a month or so.

Last night was pretty hectic for a while at work. It was pretty busy from the time we went in till almost 3:30 cuz of the July 4th holiday weekend.

Maria was in again for the second time with her so-called boyfriend. I walked up to her and asked if she’d been to the Frontier lately, and she said no, then asked me if I’d been there. I told her no cuz there are nothing but jerks there. Her. Then, while her boyfriend said nothing, I bitched her out about never returning my barrette, telling her it had been a gift from my aunt. So then she asked me if I was having a bad day, and not to bug her about a barrette. Then she asked if she could talk to the manager. I told her that what goes around comes around, then I walked off.

So after that, Andy went up to her, pretending not to know what had happened, and asked her what was wrong. She was literally in tears, crying, and she said, “It’s Jodi. I’ve got to get out of here before I smack her!”

Andy was really proud of me for standing up to the head player, and we were laughing so hard about it. Maria’s such an idiot.

4:15 PM

It pisses me off that I’m still awake! I started to fall asleep till Jim called, telling me he had my money after I called there and threatened him through his secretary. I told him to slip it into my mailbox. He said he would tonight.

We’ll see.

Nervous deposited $398 in the bank for me earlier. My balance is $1042, but with all my bills deducted, it’s only about $675. I just paid for the gas and electricity.

Well, I’m gonna finish my coffee, then try hard as hell to sleep and even harder to get up later. I wish I didn’t have to work tonight but it’s only one more night, not two, as I thought. I called and checked. Nervous might come in tonight at around 1:00. If not tonight, then he said he would come another time. He better not step out of line, though, and be all nerved up or I’ll kick him out for damn sure.

7/4/1989 Tues. 5:12 PM

I’m so fucking pissed! I’m gonna kill Jim! My money was never left in my mailbox and I just left a message on his machine. The longer he takes, the more messages he’ll get. And they won’t be nice!

Andy and I spoke earlier and he said he was going to Mary’s cuz she’s sick and wants to make her dinner. She came into Denny’s two nights ago. She’s as beautiful as he always told me she was.

Nervous just left a little while ago after I sang for him. I’ve been singing all day and am very happy to say it was pretty damn decent for a change. I just wish I didn’t smoke or were short of breath.

7 PM

I just finished eating some fettuccine noodles.

I’ll be hearing firecrackers going off all night, but as far as I know, the city of Springfield is not having the firecrackers cuz of the budget cuts.

Bruce was supposed to come over today, but never did and there’s no answer at his place. I knew this would happen and I’m not the least bit surprised. He’s so much like Al.

Also, Mark was supposed to come up with his daughter but never did.

It seems no one’s home. Jessie doesn’t answer. Emily’s not home either, but I left a message on her machine. Stuart’s in his usual bad mood.

Speaking of Mark, he just called and is on his way up.

7/5/1989 Wed. 1 AM

Mark was here for about two hours and we had an excellent talk. He and I think a lot alike and we seem to share the same opinion on men, sex and life in general. It pleases me to have met another fairly decent guy. Especially one who’s my neighbor. He’s the type that a woman feels safe having around, unlike Jai, who’s defenseless and rather wimpy.

Speaking of Jai, well, he and Jenny called tonight. I may go down to Charlottesville, Virginia, where Jenny’s living, for a few days by train, then come back up here with them.

I feel so stuffed up it isn’t funny. Even Mark and Nervous feel it, too.

I called Bruce around midnight and we chatted for about 10 minutes or so. He said after I called him, he fell asleep till 4:00. Maybe tomorrow he’ll come over, he says, after work.

I really want to buy a new guitar and really soon, too. It’ll inspire me to play more too, one that’s easier, I mean. A nylon-strung one, rather than steel-strung.

I wonder if it’s busy now at work. Andy’s there now. I called Crosby earlier this afternoon to see if he needed help tonight and he said no, there were 3 people on.

I wonder if Maria will dare show up again. I highly doubt it.

This morning, I got a prank call and I know it was either connected to her or the waterbed guy. A guy claiming to be Ed said he wanted to “cum right in my mouth.”

I said “thank you,” and hung up. It was definitely either related to Maria or the guy who delivered my waterbed for sure. I’m not that stupid, cuz when a guy, no matter how professional he is, gets a girl’s number who’s gay, you know the first thing that’s on their mind is sex. I figured this would happen, but I can deal with it just fine, and I kind of doubt it was connected to Maria. You never know, but I do doubt it.

7/6/1989 Thurs. 12:45 PM

Well, I just got back from court and I have to go back again in October. It looks like this case will also get dismissed. There was this lawyer there that I’ve seen many times before, who’s hideously ugly. I could tell he liked me by the way he helped me get my M&M’s out of the vending machine after they got stuck. He bought me more when he couldn’t get them out.

My lawyer’s quite ugly too, but seems nice. I dressed really well today in my new purple outfit and I know I looked good. Better than most women. Everybody stared at me.

When I got off the bus here, I spoke with Mark, who was working on his car. I guess idiot St. John below me smashed his windshield. Mark and his brother want to kill him.

I wish they would.

Last night I had a spaghetti dinner at Mark’s and met his brother Tom and his wife Holly. They’re so nice and fun to be with. We laughed like crazy, exchanging jokes. We kept ringing St. John’s doorbell, too. We tried to call but his line was busy. Today, after Tom and a friend of his painted all the porches, they threw off a tire that St. John had on his porch.

I really like Mark a lot. We have great talks like we did last night and we think a lot alike and he’s not the typical male, but I’m just not attracted to men. I need a woman, yet I know I could never get involved with a man or a woman. I’m too hooked on fantasy, used to being alone, and will not be hurt again.

7/7/1989 Fri. 2:10 PM

We made it to the beach. Thank fucking God! We’re staying at the Howard Johnson’s instead, so we have a bathroom and a shower.

I’m just gonna make this really brief, then go to bed. Believe it or not, Andy’s gone to bed. The sun totally drained us. But it’s so good to feel so relaxed and happy. At the beach, I saw Tammy, Bill and the kids, and I can’t believe for the life of me how much Becky’s grown. She walks just fine now and her hair is long, too.

I’m definitely darker, but I hope to get much more color tomorrow.

Check-out time is 11 AM.

7/10/1989 Mon. 7:43 PM

Our stay at the hotel was fun and the funniest thing happened. Well, Andy and I couldn’t sleep, so, assuming that a call outside the hotel would cost us, we harassed people in other rooms at the hotel and got caught. The phone rang and it was the guy at the front desk. We pretended we were sleeping and he apologized, saying there must be some mistake.

Then, before we left, we wrote this wacky, senseless letter to Cheryl, the housekeeper, mixing lyrics and whatever else came to mind.

Sure enough, though, as we were checking out, we found out there was no charge on local calls, after all. We could’ve harassed the whole town of Old Lyme.

So, the next day at the beach, we met up with Betty Ann L and her mother. I remember them from when I was a kid. They don’t go to the beach regularly anymore. We also found out that Betty Ann, who’s beautiful, had a younger sister who died of a drug overdose at age 21.

7/12/1989 Wed. 7:57 AM

Work was excellent last night and a lot of fun, although last night it was one hell of a fucking bitch and I was threatening to quit. It’s better than being home miserable all the time, though, and the money is great, which I desperately need. Last night I made good money considering the fact that it was deader than dead. Made $63, but stole one check, so it would’ve been about $45 or so, but that’s still quite decent. I had the most customers. I like sections 4-5 the best cuz it has the least and the easiest side work. Everyone hates Section 3 with the salad bar. Andy and I are usually alone from 4-6 cuz Bonnie and Suzanne are married with kids, so they leave at 4:00. I haven’t seen Patty in a while. I think she’s on vacation. Robin might have quit, but I hear Libby definitely quit. She couldn’t handle it. God! I thought I was a wimp!

We got this new cook named Guy who’s pretty nice, so with him, Roger, Scott and Glen, it’s a pretty damn good crew. Everyone has a great sense of humor, although Jayke sure can be a hell of a bitch, but she is damn good as a cook. She can get 10 orders up quicker than you can blink an eye. When she’s not cooking, though, or when everything’s going her way, she’s a lot of fun and super nice.

Sometimes I’ll write about our regular customers but now I’ve got to go listen to music, finish my coffee, and then go to bed.

7/14/1989 Fri. 1:15 PM

Well, here we are on our way to the beach, but it is fucking pouring now. It was coming down so hard we could barely see.

Andy said to tell this book that we are now passing through Fartford.

It is still pouring.

7/20/1989 Thurs. 2:50 AM

Well, I have been basically in a fairly good mood for the last 3 days, since I’ve been taking my meds every other day. I’d rather have a few twitches here and there than be a spastic bundle of nerves.

Last night I had a great time at work and made $44 without stealing.

The funniest thing happened to Andy and me tonight. We both got laid. But of course, I couldn’t help but get the opposite sex with my shit luck. It was with Mark.

Andy got this guy he knew from the last time he worked at Denny’s, who’s married with kids but in the closet. He had this guy two years ago, too.

And with me, of course I can’t get a woman and always have to settle for a guy or second best. Mark and I screwed around. All he did was lick me off cuz he was so huge that there was no way I could take him inside, and also no way I was gonna put my mouth on that thing. He never came, though. That was good too, so there’d be no white sticky shit all over.

I called the dating service with the intentions of bitching them out, getting a refund, or taking them to court, but this sexy woman with an English accent came right out and bluntly told me Pam, the bitch who interviewed me, was fired for deliberately mismatching people with the opposite of what they wanted. I didn’t know she did this.

Anyway, I had a pleasant talk with the woman, whose name is Janet, and on behalf of Pam fucking things up, they’re gonna send 3 more people free of charge. I’m still hesitant, and my belief still remains the same: that it wasn’t meant to be and that God wants me to have sex with only unattractive people, but if I get just a friend out of this, then fine, even if it’s a lot to pay for a friend.

7/26/1989 Wed. 10:47 AM

I’ve been busting my ass since work last night. I made almost $60 last night. We worked till 7:00, but we thought we only had to work till the usual 6:00.

I haven’t gone to bed yet. I watched an interview with Gloria on Good Morning America and her hair looked awful. I wish she’d leave her hair black rather than lighten it the way she does.

So, I also cleaned up around here and am doing some laundry, which is now in the dryer. Can’t wait to carry it up here. All 60 stairs!

Tomorrow, Andy’s gonna stop at Saratoga Drug so I can get my food stamps on the way to the beach. We’re going with Juliet, a good friend of Andy’s who he went to school with. I met her last fall when we all went to the Frontier. Juliet broke up with her boyfriend and is now looking to date women. I like her a lot and she’s somewhat pretty, but she needs to style her hair a bit, wear makeup and nicer clothes. Her clothes are so dark and dreary. She just wears jeans or corduroys and sweatshirts. Andy says she never shaves and very seldom showers. How gross. Not everyone’s into cleanliness, I guess.

Later, I’m gonna have Nervous pick me up another journal and some coffee cuz I’m not going grocery shopping until Saturday. At least the laundry will be done, though, and my geek uniform.

I’m gonna call Janet at the dating service to see what’s going on.

Next time I make a deposit at the bank, I’m gonna get stamps if they still sell them. Shoppers sells them. I haven’t been in there in a long time. Next time I get a prescription, I’ll have to visit Monte and everyone.

I’m borrowing Steve’s guitar and it is awesome! Everything is so easy to play on this thing, including bar chords. It’s a $400 guitar. I’m gonna buy myself one for sure, and a VCR, too!

I hope my clothes are all dry. They should be. I’ll get them in 20 minutes, shower, then go to bed.

11:06 PM

I fell asleep shortly after noon and got up at 8:00 to watch Unsolved Mysteries.

Right now, I’m a little bored, so I’m gonna learn the song Rooms On Fire by Stevie Nicks and try to compose it for Andy. He gave me the cassette single. It’s a time-consuming bitch, but I am in the mood with really nothing better to do, so I’m gonna go take advantage of it.

7/27/1989 Fri. 2:44 AM

This is the day I was admitted to the Brattleboro Retreat in 1981. It’s been 8 years since that rather traumatic day. It still seems my past is something so embarrassing and humiliating that I’ll always have to live with and run around trying to cover up and hide from everyone all my life. On the other hand, I’ve become very proud of my background cuz I’ve come such a long way and have developed so many different skills and talents. Not too many people make it out on their own for 4 years after going through what I’ve gone through and being where I’ve been. Brattleboro and Valleyhead were like Alcatraz. You go there and you either come out dead or alive and if you’re alive, you’d better hope you’re sane!

4:41 AM

Well, I just finished playing the piano, and believe it or not, I could play Can’t Stay Away from You, but my timing was way off, as usual. As far as the Canciones de mi Padre book, I got absolutely nowhere. I tried Por un Amor and La Ciggarra only to fuck up left and right. I did start composing Rooms on Fire, but first I want Andy to write me the lyrics. As far as sheet music is concerned, well, it’s much easier if I just compose and write the music myself on piano staff paper by ear. Obviously, this is why God, Nana and Pa gave me the gift of perfect pitch, so I’ll use it. As far as other songs I need to compose, well, there are My Time Has Come, Carry Me Away, and the last two songs I recently wrote, which are On and On and Dreaming and Believing.

When I was jamming with Jeanie in #15, she played and sang me a song she wrote, and it was beautiful. She says she’ll give me a demo of it so I can sing it and play it on la guitarra.

I still need to learn the rest of Gloria’s tape and the Judds’, too. Cuts Both Ways and River of Time.

I was teasing Nerve earlier over the phone. Andy was so right when he said, “What a sucker to take all that abuse and let you use him.”

Well, he’s got nothing better to do, as desperate as he is, and males are only good to use, but he’s always paid back.

I polished my nails white earlier and I need to put on the second coat.

5 PM

Yes, as usual, I am still wide-awake. I’m all hyped up about being here with Andy and Juliet. We’re staying at the Suisse Chalet. I still like Howard Johnson’s better with their indoor pool, which is always fairly empty, free local phone calls and their restaurant. And here, in order to get to the vending machines, you’ve got to go outside. Ain’t that weird? What about in the winter? And what do the housekeepers do in the winter? There’s no door to a hallway, only outside. They have a huge outdoor pool here, which Andy and I went to, and it felt great. The ride down here was unbearably hot.

After we swam, Andy and Juliet decided to go to the beach, but I just wanted to hang back. Especially after being up since 8:00 last night.

We’re gonna go eat dinner and all go to the beach later. I want to see Tammy and the kids. I already made the first call to Nervous. I’m just listening to Gloria’s new tape, but God knows I’ll sleep like a rock tonight. I’m just too hyped up right now.

7/28/1989 Sat. 1:05 AM

We just had an awesome time at the beach. Andy said for me and Juliet, who also writes in a journal, to say hi to this book. So, as I started to say, we went to the beach at 9:00 and saw Tammy and Bill, but Becky and Anne were asleep. Tammy needs to borrow a couple of hundred dollars. If I do lend it to her, I hope she can return it as soon as possible. I’m not rich yet. I still want to buy a guitar and a VCR, too.

It was pitch dark, and Andy, Juliet, and I sat on the flat rocks, and our rocks and the breeze were just beautiful. Then it started to thunder and lightning, and it lit up the whole ocean so you could see Long Island Sound. The most awesome thing about it all was that I sang one song after another, and I did great.

8:22 PM

Another great day today and some great color I got, too! I saw my nieces and Tammy, who’s mailing me a thick 25” gold chain that costs $100 that she sold me for $50.

Last night, after I wrote, we called Nervous and just kept him hanging on the line forever. There were 3 different calls we made, which will be for almost two hours total. Andy and I would tell him to hang on and that we’d be right back; then we’d leave him hanging for 5-10 minutes. It was hilarious. I listened to about 7 songs on the box while he waited.

Is that a sucker or is that a sucker?

11:35 PM

I called Fran, who got in touch with me a few days ago and gave me his new number, and this woman named Bobbie, with whom he’s friends. Bobbie and I talked for quite a while. She’s bi and has been married 4 times and has basically given up on men. She says she’s been with 4 women, and just like the typical pattern of what’s in the cards for me, she wants to meet me. I mean, I can tell just by talking to her that she’s typical of what I get. She’s on SSI cuz she’s afraid to leave her house. She can’t take the bus by herself. She’s on medication for nerves and just doesn’t sound too stable. Now, is that typical of what I get, or what? Plus, she’s 48 years old and my height! Can’t I get someone taller and more stable? She says she’s feminine, hates butches too, and also can’t understand why women who hate men want to look like them. She’s Lebanese, feminine, has eyes like Gloria’s, wears makeup, skirts, and high heels, but has very, very short hair. I hate short hair, but she says she looks good in it cuz she has a small face. There have been some short-haired women who were attractive, but overall, I prefer long hair. I’ll meet her and possibly be her friend, but that’s as far as it’s gonna go. Plus, she’s probably not as feminine as she says she is.

7/30/1989 Sun. 5 AM

I slept for almost 16 hours, as I was exhausted and had just spoken to Andy at work.

I really ought to study my Spanish. I could be great in only a few more months of study.

Jessie and I were gonna go shopping today, but her sister Melissa borrowed her car and never brought it back, so we’re gonna try to go tomorrow.

It’s now 5:00, and I’ve had only 5 cigarettes since 8:00, which is excellent, but I really shouldn’t be smoking at all. Nervous is on his way over with a pack of smokes, nonetheless. After he leaves, I’m gonna go listen to music and just wait for Andy to call me back.

June 1989

6/11/1989 Sun. 3:05 PM

I’ve been up all night and this morning. Andy and I were gonna hit the beach, but he’s exhausted. I’m gonna drop off soon myself. I’ve been up since 9:00 last night.

I finally got my furniture from the house, which has been sold. It’s quite nice, but Jessie isn’t gonna be able to take my old furniture, so I’m stuck with it for now, till I can sell it. Thank God my living room’s as big as it is.

Jessie had an ovarian cyst removed on Friday and she’s still in the hospital. Doing well, though.

I saw Dr. Moshiri last Friday and he’s impressed with the progress I’m making with cutting down the Navane and says my TD’s about 75% better. I can go 3-4 days without it! I haven’t taken it since Friday (5 mg) and I feel fine. No racing thoughts. Occasionally, I get a little irritable, so I take it then. Moshiri said there may be times every now and then where I may need it and that’s ok. As time goes on, I’ll need it less and less. No more using it as a crutch to solve my problems. I’m gonna learn to cope drug-free.

I got a new therapist and she seems pretty good so far.

6/12/1989 Mon. 2:42 AM

I fell asleep somewhere around 7:30 or so and woke up around 1:00. I called Andy, who’s finishing up a movie he’s watching and will call me back. For now, I think I’ll rank on Nervous.

2 PM

This morning, I fell asleep at about 7:00, then woke up at noon to Andy’s voice on my machine saying he wanted to go to the beach, so we’re on our way. It’s awfully hard to write, though, while he’s driving. Well, we’re just about here. We just turned off into Old Lyme.

6:15 PM

After I get home and shower, I’m sure I’ll be really red. I hope it’s kind of like the last time but no more or else I’ll really be hurting. The last time, I didn’t notice any color till after I’d been home for almost an hour. But now we’re not even halfway home, and I can see red.

6/14/1989 Wed. 5:10 AM

Yesterday I slept very long and late and today I have several things I need to get done. It’ll make me feel good just to get out. First, though, I’m gonna sleep till around 11:00.

For a while last night, I was browsing through my journals. It was all mostly stuff I do not care to remember, but interesting anyway, cuz I’ve come a long way.

6/15/1989 Thurs. 10 PM

I slept late today and didn’t and couldn’t do much with all the fucking rain we’ve been having. My allergies and lungs are killing me and I’m so depressed. If I ever want to sing better, I must quit smoking, but of course, that’s easier said than done. I fucking feel like I’m dying, I’m so short of breath. I’m so lonely, so bored too. If I could only stop smoking and feel and sing better. Then I’d have so much more energy and motivation to do all the other stuff I do pertaining to music. I’d be so happy, too. But a girlfriend is the last thing on my mind. A relationship is definitely something I can do without and don’t need or desire anymore. Not in the cards for me for sure.

6/16/1989 Fri. 6:51 AM

Well, one thing’s for sure and that is that I’ve definitely decided to stay alone. Fantasy is the best way to go for sure cuz everything is just as you want it to be during fantasy. Like I’ve said before, I’d rather fantasize about first best than settle for second best, and I’m proud of myself for being one of the very few smart ones that won’t put up with the heartache, hassles, and the ups and downs that even the best relationships have. I am totally independent and would never and could never depend on anyone for sex, money or love. I just wish I could have a kid, but I know I never will. I guess God has chosen me to be one of the ones to control the world’s In the 20 minutes left on the one-hour timer clock. population. I may be sterile, anyway.

Though I’m still up, the furniture guy’s coming from Goodwill to hopefully buy my couch, two chairs and nightstand soon, so I’ll just wait till after he leaves. I guess he’ll be here at 9:00.

Last night Andy and I talked on the phone for 2½ hours.

6:25 PM

I woke up not too long ago. The furniture people never came.

About two hours before bed this morning, I destroyed my remaining half a pack of cigarettes. I’ve been awake now for almost an hour and I do not feel like I want one. Physically, I’m half dead cuz of my asthma and allergies, and mentally I’m disgusted by what it’s done to my singing and how much money I have burned and wasted killing myself with cigarettes. I’ll take advantage of my asthma and allergies and look at it as a gift cuz if I didn’t have allergies or asthma, I’d burn my money on smoking till I became as old as my Mom, get emphysema or cancer and die. Also, this is God’s way of preserving my voice and allowing me to reach my full potential.

6/18/1989 Sun. 7:36 PM

Been up 24 hours. To give a brief account of what I’ve done, well, I finally put up all my curtains. Except for the back door, cuz I need a rod and hooks.

Jo L was up here today for a visit, believe it or not. She and Eddie are moving! I’m psyched cuz I can’t stand Eddie. He’s a sicko and he’s lucky he hasn’t given me any shit.

At 5:00, Andy and I went to Denny’s in Chicopee and got hired for 3rd shift. We start tomorrow night.

I’d write more, but I really need to get to sleep. I clean Russ’s house tomorrow at 1:00. How fun, huh?

6/20/1989 Tues. 6:36 AM

Well, I got in from work about an hour ago, and I think I’m definitely going to like this job. Bonnie, who was my trainer, is very friendly and gorgeous! For my first 3 hours, I was nervous, but then I began to feel more comfortable and get the hang of things. I learned more and did more than I thought I’d do on the first night. It seemed overwhelming at first, all the stuff I’ve got to learn. Where the food is, the menu, ordering codes, etc. There’s a lot of side work to be done too, which I don’t like, but once I get a system down, it should be easier and quicker to do.

One guy asked me to get him a pack of ciggies. Bonnie said that this time I could do it, but normally they get their own ciggies. When I brought them to him, he told me I was beautiful and gave me $2. Weird, huh? I didn’t expect to make a penny. See the fun advantages of being “good-looking?” Of course, it’s also a disadvantage when guys are always hitting on you.

Bonnie says that working 4 nights a week, she can make $400! Everyone says the graveyard shift is the best moneymaking shift. I was surprised at first, but it’s true. You have to deal with a lot of drunks, though, cuz of the 2:00 bar rush. It’s a popular restaurant too, and it’s the busiest on Friday and Saturday nights. Tonight was dead, and Andy, who required hardly any training, made $35! One night, Bonnie and a few other girls made $140!

I’m so glad I never worked at Friendly’s or Steiger’s, and I’ll never work under the table again for anyone personally. Too much trouble. Jim still owes me $36. I’ll just keep harassing him till I get it.

I canceled Russ’s house for good, and he seemed a little upset, but that’s just too bad. I don’t need any other work with this job. It would be too much to handle.

8 AM

Russ still wants me to sweep the stairwells, which Nervous did a half-assed job on, and for which I got bitched out for, but I don’t feel like doing them or cleaning vacant apartments.

Andy and I are going to the beach on Friday, our day off.

I haven’t heard from Tammy (my sister) like I knew I wouldn’t, and I’m not calling her so I can save money.

I haven’t heard from the other Tammy either. She called a week ago, saying she wasn’t going to move to Florida and that Will was gonna be in jail for something quite bad. Oh well. Eventually, she’ll learn what guys are all about.

I haven’t heard from Jessie for several days either, so she must still be in pain. I should call her tomorrow.

Also, I need to call my therapist, who’s probably pissed off at me.

6/23/1989 Fri. 11 AM

Well, here we are at the beach. We weren’t even here for two hours when we felt as if we were burning really badly, and now Andy just fucking conked out on the backseat of the car, saying he wants at least 3 hours of sleep! Never ever again will we come down here after we’ve worked the night before. What the fuck am I gonna do sitting here for 3 Goddamn, motherfucking hours?!

1 PM

I’m still stuck here and bored out of my freaking mind. When the hell is he gonna wake up? I tried to wake him, but he doesn’t want to get the fuck up. Never again will we come down here unless he and I have had the previous night off and the next night off. I just want to fucking go home!

I chatted with Charlotte and Jim, and also Natalie and Al. Sure enough, just as I suspected, Natalie and Al are no longer friends with Mom or Dad. They know what assholes they can be and what we went through as kids and apparently have had enough. They’ve lost quite a few friends over the years.

I’m supposed to see my therapist tomorrow but there’s no way I can. Tonight I’m gonna need to sleep until late morning or early afternoon. I’ll call her for sure on Monday.

Oh shit! The Goodwill was supposed to come today! Now I’ll be stuck with the furniture till Tuesday or later.

Looks like Andy may wake up now cuz there are tons of people talking.

Jo L, by the way, changed her mind about the furniture which I had also offered to her. She’s decided to get new furniture and she’s afraid wacko Eddie will get suspicious. How can a woman kiss a male’s ass for so many years? Although even she herself did advise me never to get involved with anyone, so I can come and go as I please and never answer to anyone. If I were her, I’d kill Eddie long before I’d give up all I’ve ever wanted and put up with him. I’d never sacrifice for anyone as she has.

I was shocked, by the way, cuz last Monday night, I think it was, Linda called and came over. She pretended not to know about the time I called the afternoon she hung up on me. We got a pizza, then ranked on Nervous like hell. We pretended we were getting off on each other and although he denied he was even horny, we knew he was jerking it.

Andy finally got up and is going to take a piss in the shed.

6/25/1989 Sun. 8:45 PM

Last night at work, I did excellently for my first night on my own. I only had 11 orders, yet made $23. The others didn’t do so well. Except for Bonnie and Robin, of course.

Ma bitched us out for parking in her driveway at the beach but we both know she’s just trying to discourage us from going there cuz she doesn’t want us talking her down to anyone. Nothing will stop us, though. We’ll just park on Soundview.

Tomorrow I’m getting a waterbed that Mom and Dad are having delivered and set up.

6/29/1989 Thurs. 12:50 PM

Ma had a queen-size waterbed delivered today and it is awesome! It cost almost $400 with the sheets, the guy said. It has shelves for a headboard.

My neighbors, Mark, down on the first floor, and Steve, the black guy in #16 across the hall, moved my old double bed out of here yesterday.

I didn’t like the guy who delivered the bed, though. He asked me if I was married and when I told him I was gay, he just said, “Oh, you don’t like guys?” And that was it, luckily. He probably would’ve hit on me otherwise. I have a feeling I’m in for some prank calls. He has my number, and I know how men love to try to change or harass gay women.

The Goodwill came two days ago and took my furniture and my place is finally in order.

Jo and Eddie moved out yesterday!

Today, whenever Andy gets up, I’m gonna go to West Springfield with him to get Gloria’s picture, which I had blown up into a huge poster. The girl who works there, Patty, is gay. She’s Mary’s boyfriend’s sister. She’s no goddess, but she’s prettier than Linda. I hope she has a girlfriend and doesn’t hit on me cuz I could never handle a relationship, and I’d just lose her if she were decent. And decent she seems. She’s a kindergarten teacher, too.

Statistics say 1 out of 10 people is gay.

6/30/1989 Fri. 9:56 AM

I fell asleep last night at around 2:30 after Andy and I had a very long, nice talk. We’re heading to the beach after I spend a few hours with Mom and Dad. They’re picking me up at 1:00.

Andy and I are staying overnight at an inn, then we’ll come back tomorrow.

Last night, Mom was up here for a little over two hours and we had an excellent talk. It shocks the shit out of me how supportive she’s become about my music. I sang for her and I thought it sucked cuz I was stuffed up, but she was smiling and did seem somewhat impressed. Andy said last night, “The more you continue to improve and they see that and that you really love music, the more they’re gonna encourage you to do it.”

She was also telling me how proud of me she was for teaching myself sign language. She told me how she and Dad met this deaf woman at their store.

Nervous will be here whenever. He’s picking me up a super nice journal I’ve been wanting, though it has no lines.

11 AM

I wish it were now 1:00 so I could go shopping with my parents at the mall. They sold their store in the Eastfield Mall and now they have a store in Florida.

Today I was up and wide awake by 8:00, cuz I slept about 16 hours yesterday after being up 24 hours. So I required very little sleep last night and the only reason I slept, to begin with, was cuz it was cool. If it were hot, I’d never have slept.

Nervous is now reading journal #7 and the beginning of #10. Hopefully, he returns them before I go to the beach. Of course, he’s 100% trustworthy, but I feel more comfortable when they’re here, safe at home. An accident could happen where they’re lost or damaged. Of course, I’d kill him even if it weren’t his fault.

I need a new blue pen after fucking Linda and her butch friend fucked up them by drawing on my potatoes. I swear, some people have nothing better to do!

I’m going to McCrory’s in the mall today. Maybe they’ll have some journals at good prices. They usually have a lot of nice stuff at good prices. Clothes and all kinds of cute things.

May 1989

5/8/1989 Mon. 2:29 AM

Not much has happened since I last wrote. I busted my ass cleaning a huge house in Chicopee last Friday and proved to Jim that I’m worth way more than $6 an hour. I know I’ll get a raise from him soon. He’s already hinted at it.

Jim and I had a long talk, too. He seems really nice and is qualified to be a therapist, so I found out. He says I’ll be ok in his brother’s band, but I don’t know. We’ll see.

Jai was away this weekend and he just got back a few hours ago, wicked tired and we almost fucked. What stopped us was his girlfriend. I don’t want to get involved with anyone unless they can devote themselves to me only. I know he’s attracted to me and I really like him a lot, but I’d still rather have a woman. Since I can’t, I’d rather stay alone.

Another thing that terrifies me is if we ever did get involved (if he gave up Jenny) and if he turned psycho or if something went terribly wrong, then I have to live next to the guy.

Bruce called me today, pressuring me to get a girlfriend once and for all. Yeah, sure. I explained why I can’t get one. Not one I would want, anyway.

Jai’s the first decent person I’ve ever gotten.

I have a busy week coming up. Tomorrow I have a condo to clean and grocery shopping to do. Tuesday, Jai and I are going to my allergy doctor. On Wednesday, I work again. Thursday, I’m not sure yet what I’m doing. Friday, I see Dr. Moshiri, then Jim’s picking me up from there to clean the same house I did last Friday. I’ll be doing that house every Friday.

5/15/1989 Mon. 3:43 AM

Today at 9:00, I’m to clean Russ’s house, as far as I know. I’ll call him to make sure. Whether I clean his house or not, I’m going downtown to the bank to cash Carabetta’s security deposit check and to order new checks. Then after, I’ll probably do some shopping. I want to buy some jewelry.

Andy just told me it’s great therapy for him when I write. We’re both just spacing off into our own worlds right now.

I was shocked to see the for-sale sign on the folks’ cottage. I figured they’d be there forever during the summers. Of course, they’d never tell me, but I bet their favorite daughter knows about this.

5/30/1989 Tues. 6:30 PM

I haven’t written for so long now and I definitely want to get back into it again. The last time I wrote, I didn’t mention ripping off part of the ‘s’ in the ‘Who Cares’ thing they have on the front of the cottage in black tape. We were seen there that day and right now, Mom and Dad are on their way down and they’re going to suspect us for sure, but I know nothing, I’ll tell them.

Sure enough, Tammy knew the place was up for sale, but she says she doesn’t know why.

Bullshit. It probably has something to do with the break-in they had this winter.

I asked Mom if they’re gonna be in Florida year-round and she said yes, but Dad says they’ll be back up here, but God knows when.

Jessie’s gonna be buying my chairs and couch, which I’m glad to see a friend get, rather than just anyone. After all, it was Nana and Pa’s. I’m psyched to get the newer furniture from the Longmeadow house. It’ll look a whole hell of a lot better.

I’ve been up 25 hours and I’m going to try to crash now, and when I get up, I’m gonna write music to some lyrics Andy wrote. He’s the writer, I’m the composer.

April 1989

4/7/1989 Fri. 3:22 AM

I realize I haven’t written for a while, and there is a lot to tell and catch up on, too.

Last Saturday night, Linda came over and she and I did some laundry. Then she fell asleep and like a fool, I went downstairs where Gracie used to live to meet whoever lives there, and it was this guy who was totally drunk. There was a girl too, but she said she didn’t live there and was only visiting. She told me to come in and have a drink, but I said I didn’t drink and that I had a cup of coffee upstairs, and she said to bring that down, but I wasn’t interested. Especially since I could see right away that this guy was looking at me with you-know-what on his mind. So I went upstairs and about an hour later, he pounds the hell out of the door, and cuz I was dressed inappropriately, I slouched down against the door and he goes, “My God.” He no doubt thought I was awfully short.

Then he said I sounded kind of grouchy and I told him he woke my girlfriend and me up. Then he says, “Oh, I just wanted to know if you needed anything.” I said no, and left him standing there totally wasted, and then on and off from midnight till almost 4:00, he pounded the hell out of the walls till I called the police and the landlord, which was definitely the right thing to do, cuz I haven’t heard from him. The whole building heard his racket.

Last Tuesday, I cleaned Russ’s house, and then that night, Dad called and was talking unusually carefree and I couldn’t hear Mom in the background. He says, “I’ll pick you up tomorrow.”

I said, “Yeah, sure,” and he said he was home. At first, I didn’t believe him and said I’d call him back, but sure enough, he flew in to see Tammy and the kids and take care of business at the store.

He’s coming up to see my place tomorrow, and he bought me the Judds’ new tape and new batteries for my little piano. I was there at the house with him all day Wednesday and we had a great time. We joked a lot and he teased me as usual.

I played the keyboard for him and shocked the shit out of him. I also showed him how good my pitch is and how I can tell notes just by hearing them. He figured all I could really do was pick with one finger, no left hand, and play only one or two songs. I definitely shocked him.

When I sang for him, he could see the improvement despite my nasal sound. He also agrees with my theories about Nana and Pa’s spirits guiding me and feels I have what it takes to make it and should go to music school. I need to clear up my allergies first, though, and today I’m definitely going to call Dr. Walker. I’m gonna call the college, too.

I called Mom today, and she was unusually friendly. I rambled on and on about my singing and piano playing, and can you believe she listened? I know it’s cuz Dad said something. I just wish I wasn’t so stuffed up cuz I know I have the potential to be a 9 or 10 instead of a 7 or 8, but I know I’ll get lucky and make it someday when I least expect it.

Andy says he’ll let me make a demo of my singing on his 4-track, but I want to clear up my allergies and improve first, and he said, “You already have improved.”

When we first got together, he didn’t feel I had much of a voice. All I could do until a year ago was sing on key, but it really wasn’t a voice. He doesn’t like Gloria’s voice for the same reason I don’t. Cuz it’s a voice that’s just there. It’s nothing special and there’s nothing to it. There’s no vibrato and it’s not strong-sounding. I love her songs and her looks, though.

Then Andy said something that really touched my heart. He said, “Remember how I said I’d never be in the same band with you? Well, I have a feeling that very soon I’ll be playing the keyboard with you as the lead singer.”

That just made me feel so good. Plus, we should make it together cuz we need and trust each other so well. I’d feel safe with him, and he’d know how to handle almost any situation, good or bad.

We discussed his taking me to a women’s gay bar, maybe this weekend. I’m skeptical, but I’ll go just to get out.

5:35 AM

I just called Linda. She says that maybe later she’ll stop by for some tea.

I wonder when Jessie’s gonna come over? She was really pissed at me, saying, “When are you gonna be home for more than 5 minutes and have time for having anyone else over?” I told her yesterday she could come over, but she didn’t. I hope this weekend she can. She never saw Oswego St. either, and she agrees it’s about time we see each other more. I mean, we are good friends after all.

I can’t wait to get together with Andy too, and I especially can’t wait to go to the beach. This is my last year being white as a ghost.

6:21 PM

I learned that I could have a kid by artificial insemination. Without being married or rich. It’s an elective thing and the sperm is donated by someone out of state, which is great cuz I’ll never have to see the guy or worry about him trying to get the kid or bother me. I’ll never ever go to bed with a guy again or be one’s friend either. Of course I’m gonna wait a while, get a decent job and save up money.

Jessie says to make sure I have someone to help me. Yeah, right. There’s no such thing as me falling in love with someone attractive and decent who’d have me. Only ugly jerks are available to me, but I want to raise a kid myself, rather than get involved with someone, then break up with them and have them try to hurt or take away the kid out of revenge. The only thing that worries me is my family. Would they have DYS on my ass and checking up on me all the time? If my Mom pulled any shit like that, I swear I will disown her.

Earlier today, I was at the house loading up the van with Dad for almost two hours.

Jessie may be over later. I doubt Linda will be.

4/11/1989 Tues. 3:50 AM

Not much has happened since I last wrote. Linda was over yesterday briefly, and I spoke with Andy, Jessie and Tammy.

Jessie was here Saturday night for a while, and like a jerk, I let Al come over while she was here and he totally ruined my night. He is such a cruel, nasty loser. After they went home, I had an excellent talk with Jai next door. He is so nice. If I were straight, he’d be great for me. We had a good talk tonight, too.

I invited Nervous over, which I do once in a lifetime, and he brought me some milk and a candy bar and helped me balance my checkbook. Hopefully, before the month is out, I’ll have some extra money cleaning houses for this guy Jim P. He’s getting customers pretty fast. I spoke with him today about it.

I can’t wait till I get extra money cuz I want to go clothes shopping so bad. I want to get some really nice fashion outfits.

I decided to do my outgoing message on my answering machine with me singing and playing the keyboard for a couple of seconds.

Earlier at 2:00, I called Dr. Walker, but they were all out to lunch, then fell asleep and woke up too late to call again. Tomorrow for sure.

4/12/1989 Wed. 10:08 PM

I am really pissed cuz for the third time in a row I missed Unsolved Mysteries, but they’re all repeats anyway.

A little while ago, I went to McDonald’s with Andy, who’s probably out grocery shopping now and will be calling me back later. We’re still ranking on people with funny names.

This Friday, I have to see Dr. Moshiri, but after that, Andy and I may go to the beach.

Earlier today, Tammy (my sister) called to say she’s going to Florida and that if there’s any shit with Mom, she’ll pack up and leave. I told her Jessie’s surprised we haven’t disowned Mom and Dad and she said she wouldn’t hesitate to if need be, just like they disowned Bill’s parents. His mother is a real bitch, I guess. Sometime soon, I’m gonna go down to see her with Jessie.

I called Mom today and she didn’t get pissed. She’s been so nice ever since Dad was here.

Nervous brought over a guitar he found, which looked pretty useless to me. The neck was all smashed.

11:40 PM

I put together a fairly decent song on the guitar in no time, even though it’s not quite finished yet. I just played and sang what I heard in my head and it really is quite nice. I’m gonna go try and finish it.

4/15/1989 Sat. 3:14 AM

I was quite amazed again shortly after the last time I wrote. I was not only able to play on the piano the notes I was singing to the song I wrote, but also the chords and the left hand. I never knew I could do that.

I overslept today and was worried sick about missing my appointment with Dr. Moshiri, but thanks to Andy, I got there. He drove me home too, but first, he stopped in Newsstand to buy Billboard magazine.

Later on, after I came home, even though I was dead tired, Jessie and I went to Bradlee’s, where I got this sexy teddy and then to Heartland’s Food Warehouse. I used quite a few coupons and didn’t get too much, so I was surprised the bill came to $55.

Jai and I spent quite some time together. We had some very interesting talks and he taught me how to play the one song he knows on the piano, Let It Be.

I like him very much and I know he likes me, but he has a girlfriend and I’m not attracted to men. He’s not ugly, but cuz I can’t have what I want, I’d rather stay alone than settle. I’m coming to realize that I don’t want to give up my space and privacy by getting committed. Especially when I can’t have what I want to make it really worth it.

Andy was out all night with his friend Mary. He answered at 3:00 and said he couldn’t talk but would call me back in half an hour. Mary was probably right there in the room. She’s as opposed to our friendship as his folks are.

4/17/1989 Mon. 5 PM

I had such a fantastic day. I am sitting right now out on the back porch where the sun is warm and the breeze is gorgeous.

Jai and I talked for hours. It also occurred to me that I knew his brother Leo from school in Longmeadow.

Linda was over earlier and we sat out on the balcony wall.

Today I was up all day and very productive. Therefore, I feel much better. I cleaned all my windows, vacuumed and mopped the kitchen floor and a few other things too, such as sweeping the porch or balcony or whatever it’s called.

Jai took his bike to a bike shop for some spokes for a bike wheel. He builds bikes. He left his door open, saying he felt rude shutting his door on me. I really, really like him so much. He’s easy and fun to talk with and be with.

You didn’t dare leave home and leave your door open on Oswego St. It’s so safe and private here.

Early this morning, I walked to Shoppers Drug and it was so beautiful with trees and flowers, rather than graffiti, broken glass and Puerto Ricans gathered all over doing drugs and giving me the eye. Although males will give you the eye anywhere, white or not.

4/24/1989 Mon. 11 PM

I had started to write yesterday, but the phone had rung. I was pissed that day.

I was today too, cuz I had gone without my meds since last Friday, but I took them late this afternoon. Next time, I want to try to go longer.

Tomorrow I think I’m gonna go down to Urgent Care cuz I have a yeast infection and a urinary tract infection. Wish I could figure out why the hell I keep getting them all the time.

Also, I need to go to the bank to report my new address and to Saratoga Drug for food stamps.

I wish to hell I had money to go clothes shopping.

Two nights ago, I got a hell of a surprise from Nervous. He called, and right away I could tell something was up, and he goes, “My building’s on fire.”

It took a minute to register, then when it did, I thought - Sasha! She’s ok, though, and is here with me now. Nervo, I guess, was out on the streets all weekend and probably still is cuz the building has probably got to be either rebuilt or heavily repaired, and that’ll take time. I guess from what he says, it was a really bad fire started by kids.

4/28/1989 Fri. 2:32 AM

Earlier tonight, I finally got to see where Linda lives. She brought me over to her house. It’s pretty nice. She has nice furniture and a really nice stereo and she’s neater than I thought she’d be.

Jai and I continue to spend quite a bit of time together. I dressed up a little for him and he liked it. He fixed my gold-flowered bracelet and said, “I’m glad I fixed that. I like that on you.” I put on earrings too, and did my nails, which are fairly long now.

I wonder where Nervous is? I doubt the building’s livable yet, so he’s probably on the streets.

March 1989

3/3/1989 Fri. 6:30 AM

This morning at 10:00, I’m supposed to be in court, but I’m still debating whether or not to go. I highly doubt they’ll put a default warrant out for me cuz it’s only a show cause hearing and I quit calling the chick I was calling. How she trapped me so quickly beats the shit out of me.

The day before last, Tammy came over at around noon and woke me up out of a sound sleep, and then that night, Andy came over and cooked us a really nice dinner of pork chops, homemade mashed potatoes and corn. After we watched Unsolved Mysteries together, we made some calls. It was funny cuz we were crossing people on the 3-way and looking up funny names in the phonebook.

Last night was both enjoyable and interesting. Bruce came over and he really is a sweet person and a fantastic guitar player! I mean, he’s super. We both have the same desires and dreams. I sang for him and played guitar and keyboards for him and practiced all night long after he left and guess what?!?! I can play every note of Words Get in the Way. It’s such a good feeling! I tried playing Primitive Love but it’s gonna take time and so is 1-2-3. I’ll get it someday. I can play them, but just a wee bit too slow.

Before I go, I forgot to mention that I got a shit load of makeup by UPS today that I ordered last month. It’s excellent. This nighttime moisturizer repair I got really softens the skin on my face. It isn’t so tight, dry and flaky anymore. I got 3 lipsticks. My favorite one is sort of a shiny gold color. I got 5 eyeliners, nail polish, perfume, Intimate perfume body lotion, a nail file and cuticle pusher, 2 pencil sharpeners, concealing powder, foot bath, soap, aloe vera body lotion, a nail polish corrector pen and a 2-year calendar planner.

Today, whether I go to court or not, I do have quite a few things to do, such as pay bills and make an appointment at HCC for help filing for aid and also, I want to get Linda’s music book I ordered. It has 159 pages, so it must have an awful lot of songs in it.

Tomorrow, I just may go to Friendly’s and apply there. It’d be more money and mostly under the table cuz of tips.

3/7/1989 Tues. 10:14 PM

Like an idiot, I went over to this guy’s house two nights ago. I dialed him randomly. We got to talking and he seemed nice enough. Yet I found that he was tripping on coke when I went over to his guesthouse, which was behind his parents’ house in Agawam. I went by cab, which he paid for. Well, he tried to rape me, but I got out of it, which seems like quite a miracle to me. That’s because this guy has all the makings of a serial killer! He was this short, stout, hideously ugly creature that dove at me from the front, knocking me to the floor, after we’d been chatting at his kitchen table. I cried AIDS and it stopped him from getting in there, and he settled for a hand job. Anything to keep him out of me, though I didn’t really have to do much. Within seconds, the sicko came.

Put it this way, if I didn’t have the temper I’ve got, as well as the ability to act, I’d be dead, but I don’t want to talk about it anymore. The guy was a psycho and I’m lucky to be alive. He’s already paid his consequences, though, and this is just the beginning. The guy fucked with the wrong person.

3/10/1989 Fri. 11:04 AM

In an hour, I’ve got to catch the Sumner Allen bus for my eye exam with Dr. Donatelli. I’ll bring the old glasses I never wear and explain my situation and hopefully get an answer. I really don’t want to have to wear glasses, though, and I’m pretty sure most of my problem is due to the medication. I look hideous in glasses and it feels as awkward as if I had a brick sitting on my nose.

I hate this pen. When I go to Food Mart, I want to get some new pens. My printing is so much neater than my writing, but writing is so much quicker.

The night before last, I saw Andy’s new apartment just 5 minutes away. It’s not in the greatest condition, the hallways are filthy, but it’s a cute place, he’s psyched, so I’m happy for him.

Yesterday, Nervous bought me the sheet music for Kokomo and Nadia’s Theme. Kokomo is fairly easy, but I can’t even begin to figure out Nadia’s Theme for the life of me.

Now, I’ve got some really shocking news. My last apartment, which was big and really nice and that I miss so much – well – I’m going back!!!! It’s not definite but I’m pretty sure. The guy who owns it now is Russ. He’s mailing me an application. My place will be vacant in April with a new bathroom and a new paint job. I can’t wait. I’m so sick of this neighborhood. It’s really bringing me down to the pits. I spoke to Mom about it and she seems to be on my side, saying I never should’ve left there. The rent’s $440, but who cares? It’s safe there and pretty compared to here, with no graffiti or trash all over. Safe to leave your door open. Of course, I hope I have nice neighbors and that no one complains about my music. Everyone who was there before is gone now, except for Jo. She was the one who gave me Russ’s number.

2:50 PM

I finally did all my laundry, thank God. I also spoke to Jessie, who isn’t doing too much grocery shopping cuz she’s got bad cramps, so I’ll go up to Food Mart tomorrow and come back in a cab. The only bitch is that on Saturdays, the place is mobbed.

I bought this pen I’m writing with now at Store 24, and I love its razor-fine point.

I called the Forest Park Grill. Nervo wasn’t there but I spoke to some woman named Helen who said Nervous had lunch with some sexy blonde and that he went to her house. This definitely must be a hooker if it’s even true. Could he really be getting it off with some hooker? Maybe that’s why he hasn’t been so desperate and pushy.

No. No way. He’ll never get anyone with the way he is. Maybe a good screw every now and then from a hooker, if he has the money, but that’ll never stop him from spying on me or coming over for visits. I’m gonna mention it to him, but he might not say much about it. He’s so secretive. If he starts chuckling, then I’ll know for sure, like he always does when I ask him something like that, although he may lie and say it’s a girlfriend.

Getting back to this girl Helen I spoke to, she says Nervo told him I sing and play guitar and piano and that she sang too, and asked me to come in sometime. When I told her I was gay and why that was ok with me, she said, “Really? Are you really gay? Wow, not too many people admit that.”

3:31 PM

I feel so good today, as I recover from the flu. Spring is finally in the air. I had all my windows open and was wearing shorts and a tank top. Time really flies when you get older. It seems like just yesterday it was fall.

I will always prefer to be a night person, but I feel healthier when I sleep at night and get up in the daytime.

4:11 PM

I still haven’t received that application in the mail. Oh well. Probably tomorrow.

I’m gonna be so bored for the rest of the day. Guess I’ll go to sleep early, seeing as I’ve been up since 3:30 this morning.

I wonder if Linda or Tammy will call later.

I sure as hell hope Nervous calls, cuz I’m really curious about this sexy blond.

8:30 PM

That fucking Bruce just called, telling me that I’m not good enough for someone decent and that my attitude sucks and that I should drop out of the dating service, but I know he’s just saying all this cuz he can’t have me. He even said he couldn’t handle being just my friend and that I needed to change. I told him I’m just gonna be myself, not what anyone else wants me to be, and then he said, “Well, yourself sucks.”

He’s another Al. I mean, he is just like Al. I swear they could be brothers!

It’s not fair. I know I suck and am too intense, as he says, and this and that, but do I need to be reminded about it every time I talk to him? I hung up on him. I don’t need him.

It’s hard enough accepting the fact that I’ll always be alone, and I can and will in time, but do people have to constantly rub it in? Especially a fucking male? No way am I gonna let a male drag me down.

Right now, I’m gonna have a cup of coffee and then go to sleep. I’ve been up so long.

I’m trying to go without the medication, but it is hard. I’ll just really have to convince myself to cope without drugs and that the drugs can’t solve my problems. They’re only fucking me up.

3/12/1989 Sun. 8:20 AM

I was wicked pissed cuz yesterday I slept all day and never did my grocery shopping and today there are no buses. I could get stuff at the gas station but I have no money. It’s all in the bank.

Very early evening yesterday, Linda called and I asked her to come over and she said she would and that she’d call me later. So, I finally woke up again around midnight, realizing Linda never called or left a message on my machine, so I called Andy and asked him to bring me a pack of butts and to come over. He did, and we had a damn good time.

When he first came over, he was complaining that his stomach hurt him and I started playing the piano and he was saying how he always wanted someone to play for him when he feels lousy. So I began playing Just One Look and said it sucked, but when I finished, he got up, slowly walked over to me and said, “What do you mean it sucks? That was so good. You weren’t even looking at the music. You’ve improved so much. The pain is all gone.”

That made me feel so good to hear him say that. He’s the only one who really appreciates my music. I also sang for him and he said, “Yes, you’ve improved and maybe I should just stick to the piano and let you do the singing.”

I then told him how we should go out and make it together cuz of how close we are and cuz of how much he knows about the business and he says, “Just maybe we will.”

I’d hate to go off and try to make it alone without him, whom I trust and know so well.

I got a kick out of it a couple of weeks ago when I put on my new 2-piece bathing suit to show him how much weight I’ve lost and he was surprised, all right. I haven’t even needed to take my water pill for so long but I’m a little scared cuz it’s the time of year now that I lose weight and I surely can’t afford to lose any more.

I have finally learned Words Get in the Way by heart without looking at the music and it feels so damn good! I also began playing Blue Bayou. It’s fairly easy.

Today I’m hoping Linda calls. I just left a message for Nervous to call. Last night, Tammy called at fucking 1:30. She’s damn lucky I was up. Andy talked to her for a few minutes.

Right now, I’ve got to go check yesterday’s mail to see if that application from Russ came yet.

3/13/1989 Mon. 2:06 PM

So far today, I’m having an excellent day. I got up at 8 AM and went grocery shopping and already I’ve eaten a fruit cup, a sandwich, some baked stuffed scallops and later I’m going to have a pork chop and something to go with it.

Today I received that application. He’s called Oxford Realty. Before I fill it out, I want to speak to my Mom. I left a message on her machine for her to call me back.

I doubt very much that I’ll be going to Florida this year. She said something about coming home early this year. Yeah, sure. They probably won’t be home till May.

Guess what? Pam called from the dating service. She says she has a potential referral for me and that she’s going to mail me the information either today or tomorrow. I’m so worried cuz of where I live and my not having a job cuz if she’s decent, that’ll really turn her off. You know all my fears and doubts. I don’t have to write about them again. I just hope she’s attractive.

I miss my cat so much and, truthfully, haven’t improved much since she’s been gone. If I move to my old apartment, she’ll love it. Nervous is taking her to the vet today for her yearly booster and exam. I hope she’s ok. She should be.

Tammy didn’t call yesterday or today but I spoke to Andy last night and I saw his car at his place as I was on my way up to Food Mart.

Again, Linda called yesterday, saying she’d call me back about coming over, but she never did.

Today, I got into an argument with Jessie about her being paranoid about her coming here and parking in the back. Oh well, that’s her problem.

3/14/1989 Tues. 2 AM

Andy and I had a blast earlier tonight on the phone ranking on people, then I got really tired, but I want to just stay up and write. It totally cleanses my soul.

I just spoke to Andy a few minutes ago, which I wanted to do before I continued writing. While on the phone with him, I looked back into my other journals and read him about the day we were at the beach and also the day he taught me how to play La Isla Bonita but I have yet to find the day he taught me Talk To Me or the day we met up again, which was downtown at the Sheridan, where he still works. He now works at the Holiday Inn. He needed the extra money to support himself in his new apartment.

3:16 AM

Can you believe that after all this time, I still remember all my other phone numbers? I don’t think I’ll change it again when I move.

I’ve called my old numbers before to see if anyone’s called looking for me, and sometimes they have. The guy at my first number, which was listed, said a few people called looking for both me and Michelle L, the fucked-up roommate I had on Locust St.

I wonder just what kind of life good old Crystal C is leading now. Everyone who knows her knows what a loser she and her sweet old boyfriend are. They’re definitely meant for each other.

Also, Mary D is always gonna live a very lonely life with her usual slew of non-stop problems. She’s also going to get her ass severely kicked with the way she is. She’ll never have anyone decent any more than Crystal ever will.

Good old Nellie R is gonna no doubt spend most of her life in jail. I never met anyone so sick, cruel and cold-blooded, but it ended with her knowing just what I knew about her and thought about her, and God help any of these people if I catch them on the streets.

Oh, and don’t I remember that black bitch Barbara T so well? The user probably lives out on the streets or in someone’s cellar.

I spoke to Mom earlier and I pray to God she can help me out of here and into my old apartment by April, which is when Russ says my place will be vacant again. She claims there are a few people interested in the house, but I know that it might take forever for that damn stupid house to sell. She also said they might not be coming home until the end of May, and of course, this year, I’m not going to Florida. I would give anything to stay alone at the beach, but of course not. I’m still a “little girl,” Tammy’s welcomed, but not me. Not even if I were straight and married.

2:38 PM

Last night, I fell asleep between the hours of 4:00 and 5:00, only to wake up at 7:00 to go to the bathroom. I thought I’d never go back to sleep, but I was exhausted, so I forced myself. Then I woke up again at 10:30 to someone’s pounding or hammering. I couldn’t tell if it was upstairs or downstairs.

Dotty said the Puerto Ricans upstairs moved out. I hope not cuz they were really nice and I’m worried as it is about who they’re gonna put downstairs in Hank’s old place, and as you know, Carabetta takes anybody. Yesterday morning, I thought I heard footsteps upstairs and was hoping the older couple, Emanuel and Iris, were still there and that it was only their daughter, son and grandson who moved out, but I don’t know. Time will tell. Their names are still on the mailbox. It sure would be quieter if the kids would only move out. They used to run back and forth up there constantly, although I shouldn’t talk. They’ve never once complained about me or my music.

I was surprised Linda never called me yesterday and I even left her a message. I really hope she’s not interested in me cuz I hardly ever see her, although that may mean nothing, cuz Mary used to claim how much she was in love with me and wanted me, though I only saw her once in my lifetime. But of course, it was the biggest favor she did for me. Linda’s so ugly, too. In a way, she reminds me of Mary.

6:17 PM

I had a long conversation with Bruce today and he made me realize there’s so much more to learn on the piano. Scales, keys, chords and all kinds of things. I really want to go to school to learn but I’m so afraid of failing and I really want to graduate with honors.

He says part of making it as a singer is being attractive and that I am very attractive. When I told him why I wish I were ugly sometimes, he said my chances would be zero if I were. I reminded him of how fat actress Roseanne Barr is, and he said that she’s an actress acting in a role that’s suitable for a fat person. I also told him Ella Fitzgerald was fat and he said, “Look how old she is.” So, he definitely has somewhat of a point. You use your looks and image to sell yourself, as well as your talent.

I am not feeling all that great today cuz of the pork I ate last night. I obviously didn’t cook it well enough. I feel pretty lousy and I took my meds too but I’m glad I don’t need to take them every day. I can go a day or two without them. What I need to understand is that I’m not just going to be able to stop overnight. It’ll take time but, in the future, I’ll need them less and less.

3/15/1989 Wed. 5:37 AM

Yesterday, I fell asleep really early in the evening and then at 9:30 or so, I slowly became aware of an unfamiliar voice on my answering machine, so I called back and it was a referral from Woman to Woman. Her name is Mary. Like I need to meet another person with that name! Haven’t I met enough people with that name anyway?

Well, anyway, she doesn’t really seem like my type. Just the way she was talking, her choice of words and attitude. I could be wrong cuz you can’t really get to know someone over the phone just by talking to them once. But it seems like I’ll never have what I have in mind. Maybe my standards are too high, but I want what I want.

She says she’s 5‘4” with auburn hair and that she’s slightly overweight and wears glasses and lives with her Mom in Westfield. Of course, I always get overweight people and I hate glasses and I wish she had her own house. She says her hair is long and she’s 27 years old and she’s never been with a woman before. Shit! I want someone who has experience with women.

I suppose whatever and whoever I get is always better than a man, just so long as they aren’t another Mary D. Or as ugly.

6:50 AM

Every single fucking morning at this time, there’s some car warming up, gunning its engine, and I’m really beginning to consider going out there and knocking a piece of my mind into this guy. It’s ridiculous.

I can’t wait now, believe it or not, for the warm weather so Andy and I can go to the beach. I can’t wait to wear my new swimsuits.

I’d like to order this strapless mini dress from this catalog I have, but not a bathing suit cuz I can get one just as good at A.D.S. Fashions for less money. The dress costs $16, so I’ll just wait a while.

I filled out that application, so I’ll just wait and see what happens. I’ll mail it today.

Maybe I’ll call my hairdresser, Dee, to get an inch trimmed off the bottom straight across and also my bangs to get them closer to one length. I’d kind of also like her to take the perm out. I’m getting a little sick of it but it does look nice, and she did an excellent job. It’s just that I hate how all the hair on the top of my head is dead. The rest of it is very healthy, soft and silky.

I forgot to mention that I set up a time to meet with Mary at Friendly’s on Sumner Ave. this Thursday at 5 PM. She says she doesn’t know Springfield that well, and if she doesn’t “forget,” she’ll be there. I’ll probably call her tonight to remind her. I’m not going all the way up there for nothing, and it gets dark soon after 5:00.

The one thing I hate about waking up really early is that no one’s up and nothing’s open.

Tammy called me yesterday, saying her cousin from Georgia is flying in for a few days.

My show Unsolved Mysteries is on tonight, which I’m looking very forward to seeing cuz I missed it last week.

9:09 AM

Stuart is on the phone now. He’s worried about going to court again for prank phone calls.

Right now, I’m hearing this really weird noise outside. Some kind of hissing sound.

Stuart said he’d get back to me later. I really want to get together with him and see how he looks now. He’s grown his hair longer in the back, so he says. It’s been close to a year since I’ve seen him.

I pray to God that I get my old place back. Stuart and I would be neighbors, and also, Jo L still lives there. If Eddie bothers me, I’ll pop him one, not caring how sick he is with Alzheimer’s disease.

To tell you the truth, I haven’t felt much better since Sasha left, but the new medication and the shots should hopefully help a lot.

4:34 PM

I just got back from having a bite to eat with Stuart. He looks pretty good, but his hair doesn’t look any longer to me. It still looks the same. He says I look too thin now. He’s gained some weight in the gut.

The most puzzling thing happened. Stuart went into Carabetta’s office to tell Shauna that he’d pay his rent soon. She looked and acted funny and said, “And you’re with Jodi.”

Whatever the hell did she mean by that? Stuart and I wonder. Probably cuz we’re both so flaky.

Earlier, before going out with Stuart, I spoke with Mary again, and I still feel she’s not really going to be my type. She seems to have a negative attitude and is very down on herself at times. I don’t feel we have anything at all in common. She doesn’t really interest me. She believes there’s no such thing as a permanent relationship cuz people change so much, and that the average relationship between two women only lasts two years. She doesn’t want to move in with anyone either, she says.

I swear I’ll never get the one I dream of. In reality, it seems like the perfect love with the right woman is just too much to ask for. It’s not fair.

I hope the next two I meet will turn out better.

I sensed from what Mary was saying that most people find her unattractive. Sure, if she’s overweight and wears glasses. I hate glasses.

Jessie says she’s gonna spy on me when I go up to Friendly’s to meet her. I asked her if she really wanted to go see what she looks like. Then I won’t feel so alone. She is gonna take me up there but we’re gonna walk in separately, then after a while, I’ll pretend to notice her all of a sudden. Hopefully, if I don’t come home with Mary, Jessie can take me home. It’ll be dark then.

6:19 PM

I just had a very long, interesting talk with Andy about the book Helter Skelter. He’s gonna lend me the book to read.

I forgot to mention earlier that when I was cutting through the driveway onto Oswego St. after seeing Dee, I almost got killed. This car, which I never heard cuz it was on my deaf side, came whizzing by me and just missed me by inches with a cruiser chasing it. They went around the block, then behind buildings 25 and 21, no doubt thinking they could get out, smashed into the dumpster and then abandoned the car. It was 3 young blacks, a guy and two girls. Then Mattie and I were on our way inside when we saw them hiding behind the bushes under Dotty’s window. Then they ran again. It was either a stolen car or drugs.

I’ve got to get the fuck out of this neighborhood and fast. This place is crazy. You never know if you’ll be alive the next day or if, in the middle of the night, the building will be set on fire.

3/17/1989 Fri. 9:32 PM

I’m psyched! I’ve been waiting forever for this day to come. I’m moving! Back to my old place on April 1st. Russ called Mom and Dad in Florida, and they’re paying April’s rent. From now on, they’ll send Russ $140 a month, and I’ll pay $300. I’m paying to move me, too. I’m gonna be working for Russ, cleaning his house, and his maintenance guy is gonna move me. Russ’s gonna talk to him.

I’m so happy! Goodbye, Puerto Rico! Bruce is gonna help me by getting me boxes and changing my locks. Andy’s gonna buy my bars, cuz of course, I won’t need them, and Jessie’s gonna move my stereo and pianos and whatever else in her car. I’ve already packed tons of shit.

I ran into Linda today at the gas station and I told her about it and I’m kind of upset now cuz she was supposed to come over two hours ago and didn’t and I’m really getting to like her a lot now. She moved too, out of the house she and her ex-girlfriend owned.

You will not believe the horrendous experience I had yesterday afternoon at Friendly’s. I finally met Mary, and oh my God, what a disgusting, pitifully pathetic case! She’s so ugly! Blistery zits all over her face, braces, gross body, her clothes looked like they were 100 years old and had never been washed. She was so insecure, nervous and shy. The things she said were so stupid. She looks like an unstable, immature little kid. She was pulling her sleeves over her hands, saying, “I’m so shy. People say I give them bad vibrations.”

When I went to reach for a cigarette, she jumped, and I said, “Oh, I’m sorry. Would you rather I wait?”

She said, “No, it’s just that you’re so good-looking and I’ve never seen anyone more attractive.”

I thought to myself, of course you’re saying that cuz you’re an ugly jerk. If you were decent or attractive, you wouldn’t waste your time saying that.

I called Tammy and she said not to worry, and that that always happens the first time, before she went on to tell me about all the ugly losers she got before she met Bill.

I called Pam and told her, and she sympathized with me and said she’d make it up to me by sending someone else.

I’m on cloud 9 about moving but hurt that Linda never showed up or called. She’s no Gloria, but I’m really getting to like her. Something’s definitely there. Just something attracts me, and I feel she’d be good to me.

I told Tammy I’d be moving and gave her my address. She seemed happy. Everyone’s happy for me.

3/18/1989 Sat. 3:33 PM

Today has been somewhat boring but ok, nonetheless. I got my refill on my Navane and also bought a new flashlight cuz Fran stole mine. He probably thought I’d never notice, but now that he knows I did, I’ll probably never see him again. I also have to get a new calculator. I’ll never even get the money for the records I gave him.

I asked Joe at Saratoga Drug if he’d save me boxes. He said yes, and I’m to go there next Wednesday to pick some up. I gave them my new address for their prescription records.

The only bitch about moving is that there are so many changes to make. My license, the bank, SS, the post office, welfare, the phone company and God knows who else. I’ve got to take care of all that next week.

Ma says to watch the mail for two big envelopes. Probably the dress she says she bought.

I have so many expenses coming up with moving, cable, the phone and the dating service. I’m gonna cancel cable but I’m not gonna pay them all at once. I’d rather only have a VCR, although the reception is better with cable. I’m gonna have to pay for gas and electricity when I move, too. I’m gonna have to really cut out my long-distance calls.

6:13 PM

Where the hell is Nervous? I’ve left messages for 4 days in a row and I haven’t heard from him. Maybe he is out screwing someone.

Russell called about cleaning his house on Monday morning at 9:00. The thing that petrifies me is getting attacked by a dog. He says there’s one large dog loose in the neighborhood, but that it doesn’t attack. I’m still scared. Ever since I nearly got attacked in Longmeadow, I’ve been scared to walk the streets cuz of strays.

Woodside Terrace…

3/25/1989 Sat. 1:33 AM

Yes, I am here! In my old apartment. The movers came to move me out of Oswego (2nd-floor apt.) at 8:15 this morning, and believe it or not, I’m totally unpacked. It looks beautiful and it’s ever so peaceful and quiet. I haven’t been this happy in a long, long time.

Last Tuesday, Andy was over to see it. He almost died. He also brought over the two pianos, guitar, stereo and a few other things for me.

I’d really like to sleep tomorrow, but I need cigarettes. I should also have Nervous come and haul my boxes downstairs tomorrow, too. Then I want to wash my curtains, bedspreads and clothes.

Jeanie, my neighbor at number #15, is such a sweetheart. She reminds me so much of Nancy.

Sasha seems to really like it here, where pets are allowed. I think my allergies will definitely improve cuz of the radiators, which are much healthier than electric heat, like at Carabetta’s.

I hope I get my mail here tomorrow and that it’s not still being delivered on Oswego St. I’ll go back and check, though, before I turn in my keys.

Nervous is never getting a security door key. Never. But I’ll tease him anyway by saying, “Oh, by the way, I keep forgetting to give you that key. I’ll get it soon.” I wonder if he might have a key from when he lived here. I doubt it.

2:43 AM

I can’t understand why I can’t sleep. Probably cuz I’m just so excited and happy. I’ve got a lot on my mind too. At least I haven’t had too much coffee.

I wonder if Nervous has come looking up at the windows? I wouldn’t be surprised if he has. He’s gonna have an awful view cuz I’m up so high. All he can do is see if the lights are on. He’s no doubt gonna be really bummed out without a key and I really doubt he has a key from when he lived here before, cuz I’m sure that when he got evicted, he had to turn his keys over right then and there as the sheriff was cleaning out his apartment. The only other way he’d have a key would be if he had made duplicates. His mother or sister may’ve had a key.

He never paid Larry and John what he owed them or the electric and gas company. He still doesn’t have a phone and I doubt he ever will.

He asked to borrow my chain lamp if I wasn’t gonna use it. No way. And no way in hell will I put up with his nerve-racking visits here in this apartment where I am gonna better my life. I know I’ve gone back time and time again on my word about ditching him, but this guy is a very sick puppy who’s obsessed with me and has nothing else better to do than be an asshole. I figured that once I moved would be the best time to dispose of him. I’m sure after a while, I’ll get some phone calls where he hangs up or says nothing. I’m not even gonna have him take my boxes down. I’ll gladly do it myself.

He’s supposedly buying me the music book Canciones de mi Padre. When and if he does, I’ll just buzz him in and tell him to leave it outside my door and to come back in an hour, cuz I’m really busy, and when he rings again, I’ll tell him to wait a minute and then forget about him. He’ll probably ring about 10,000 times, too.

4:11 AM

Guess what I just saw?! Nervous was spying in his sister’s car! I happened to be looking out my bedroom window when I saw this car drive up Locust, then turn around in the driveway of an auto repair shop near Dickinson, then it came down and parked a few buildings away from mine, then put its flashers on, then another car passed it. At first, I thought they were cruising for drugs or that the car had broken down or that they were waiting for someone.

So the next thing I know, the car drives closer and parks under my bathroom window, and then I begin to wonder if it was Judy’s car with the sicko driving it. Then, I saw that it was him when he turned to drive up Woodside. Then he came back from around the block and again parked under the bathroom. I knew it was him cuz I could see his bald spot and by the manner in which he was smoking and picking his teeth. Then a guy walked up to the car and said something to him, and he drove away without a word. The guy probably thought he was looking to buy drugs.

Is the guy out of his mind? How am I ever gonna get rid of him?

5:17 PM

I fell asleep after the sun came up this morning. I had set the clock for 1:00, but I kept hitting the snooze till around 2:00, then as I was starting to wake up, Andy buzzed. When he came up here, he was surprised I had it all set up already and was really impressed. I made us a cup of coffee, then we went to Johnson’s, Burger King and Strawberries Records in West Springfield where I bought the soundtrack album Goya, which only has one song on the whole thing by Gloria and some other guy.

Then on the way home, we stopped at Shoppers Drug where I wrote out a check for a carton of Merits. Fucking $15! In another year or so, a carton will cost almost $20.

Guess what? Andy and I are going to the beach tomorrow. I’m really looking forward to going. It’s fun to get out and away and we love the beach so much. I’m sure it’ll be cold but I’m wearing my new bikini anyway. I’ve got the body for one now, that’s for sure.

8:16 PM

Well, I just had a lovely encounter with Rita G on the first floor, who was here when I last was. I went down to the laundry room and forgot my keys, so I went up and knocked on her door to borrow her keys so I wouldn’t have to go all the way back up here, and she screamed in a loud, snotty voice, “What do you want?!”

Before I could even finish a sentence, she pushed me away and said, “Get the fuck away,” then slammed the door.

What a bitch! That was totally uncalled for. I think she got some prank phone calls a long time ago and thought it was me, but it wasn’t. I never could get her number. It’s unpublished. I’ll tell you one thing for sure and that’s that I’m gonna knock her one if she ever steps out of line like that again. I never did anything to her to deserve this. I’m not taking any shit from anyone in this building.

A little while ago, after I finished my laundry, I heard Eddie in the hallway downstairs. He might have been yelling at someone, as usual, and at first, I thought he knew I was back and was coming up here. I’m dying to see his reaction whenever we do run into each other. If he starts anything, I’m not gonna walk away or just stand there cuz he needs to know that as long as I live here, I will not tolerate any shit from anyone.

11:36 PM

Andy just buzzed to say that tomorrow we’re gonna do something else cuz it’ll be too cold.

I wonder if I’ll see the psycho tonight. I’m sure he’s already been scouting around today anyway. What else does he have to do?

I’m surprised that with the nicer view Sasha has, she’s not in the windows more often. Maybe she has been when I haven’t noticed. I’ve seen her a few times, though.

Every time this refrigerator shuts off, it makes a funny noise.

Sasha just jumped up on the bed and is cleaning herself. She’s so cute and everyone who’s seen her says so. She definitely is cuter than most cats.

3/26/1989 Sun. 5:43 PM

I got up late, like I knew I would and finally got this place vacuumed. It took forever with this carpet, and my vacuum sucks. It hardly picks up anything.

After that, I put up some of the curtains I got. I really wish I still had the shutters that were in this living room the last time I was here, cuz I put the old kitchen curtains in there and they don’t look too great. They’re ok, though, I guess. They’re better than nothing, although I’d rather use them in the kitchen where I put the curtains I got while at Carabetta’s, which look pretty stupid cuz they’re two different lengths. Now I have nothing for the kitchen door. Later, I’ll put the yellow curtains in the bedroom. I’ll also need to put hooks in the other living room window. I only did one window in there cuz only one had hooks. The door has no hooks either, but first I must buy new curtains.

Where is Andy? I figured he’d be here by now. Maybe later.

I wish I had a fucking phone, but I will soon.

3/27/1989 Mon. 3 AM

Linda came over earlier. I was so psyched to see her. We had a good time together. I really wonder what she’s got on her mind. I mean, does she like me? I just wish she’d open up and talk a little more. She’s too quiet. I don’t know why but I’m really getting to like her. It’s not that she’s attractive and of course looks aren’t everything but something’s there. I just wish she weren’t always so serious and quiet. I also wonder if she’s capable of ever being affectionate and really interested in me and getting to know me more. I think she just doesn’t want to be hurt and of course, neither do I.

Another thing I wonder is if she’ll be supportive of a career in music. If ever I do travel someday out of town, will whoever I get be supportive and stand beside me? I mean, I really want someone to say, “Jodi, you have a voice, so go for it. I want you to make it as far as you can, and don’t ever give up.”

I think I’ll stay up for a while and see if I get any visits from my obsessed fan out on the street.

3/28/1989 Tues. 1 AM

I got up today at 6:00 or so when the doorbell rang. I thought it was Andy, but it was Linda. She looked pretty tired and I think I probably talked her ear off, but I’m glad she came over anyway. She was doing her laundry down at the end of the street. She could’ve done it here, though.

I want to ask her if she’ll take me grocery shopping, but I don’t want to burden her. I probably do, as it is with my big mouth, so I’m surprised she even comes over.

Sasha likes the balloon she brought over.

At about 9:00, I went over to Jeanie and Jay’s next door. They had a friend over from Locust St. who was from Longmeadow, but I don’t remember him. He knows my cousin Susie.

Tomorrow, Jeanie’s gonna let me use her phone to bitch out the phone company. Apparently, they never disconnected me at Oswego Street and I have no phone here. I’m pissed! I called Andy from there and told him about it. Jessie, Tammy, Mom, Dad, and Tammy have probably tried calling me.

The gas guy comes tomorrow, too.

Well, I finally met the guy in Nancy’s old apartment. His name’s Jai and he’s very nice. We must’ve talked for almost two hours. Of course, I laid it on the line up front and told him I’m gay. He’s very accepting and considerate about it and seems harmless. He says he has a girlfriend and a lot of gay friends. I know he thinks I’m pretty, though, and he likes my singing. We talked about a lot of things and he says he loves to cook and that I can eat dinner with him sometime, but if he ever steps out of line, he’s dead. He seems nice, but so do most people at first.

He’s doing me a favor cuz he wants some of my boxes and will bring those he doesn’t use down to the dumpster.

He has a cat, too. This whole building has cats and dogs. At least they’re allowed here, unlike at Carabetta.

3/31/1989 Fri. 5:26 AM

Yesterday was a shitty day, but it ended up better. I kind of woke up on the wrong side of the bed cuz of not taking my meds, and I got my period, but what really brought me to the boiling point was my father. He must’ve been in a bad mood himself. I don’t know. I just can’t stand his attitude at times. He’s gonna be 58 on April 5th. He’s getting old.

Then Linda came over and calmed me down and cheered me up at the same time. I had taken my pills before she came over.

I’m surprised Tammy hasn’t called to see how I am since I moved. I mean, with all the times I’ve called her, she should be considerate enough to see how I am here. She never really called that much on Oswego St., either. I’m the one who always did the calling.

Bruce came over at midnight last night and we had a fairly nice talk, then cuddled in bed and had sex. He was very respectful, gentle and sensitive and after trying little by little, I could take him inside me. It hurt a little and it didn’t excite me, but I did enjoy the experience somewhat. I know I can’t be pregnant cuz I started my period today while I was on the phone making calls with Andy.

However, Bruce feels he can’t handle me as his girlfriend, saying he doesn’t admire me cuz of my attitude and my needing to change more. I feel like all my life I’ll be “needing to change,” but he says he really cares and that I’m a good person and will be my friend. He also says I’m not too thin and am attractive with a nice body. I put on makeup for him for the first time.

Al and Jessie were gonna come over earlier, but Bruce and Linda were here instead, and Al got home late and needed to go food shopping. We all talked on the phone the other night, and we had a really good talk. I’ll never forget, though, how much Al sucks in bed. He’s after Jessie now. She can have him!

No matter what, I still prefer a woman. Bruce isn’t ugly, and no, he’s not the typical male, but I want a female. I even asked Andy and he agrees. He says I’m definitely gay and there’s no way I could be straight. There is no way for sure that I could be sexually attracted to a man the way I have been to a woman.

Today I’m going grocery shopping and I’m also gonna finish my laundry.

I almost forgot to say that Andy and I had a hell of a time on the phone early this morning, around 2:30 or so. We got some really funny names to rank on.

Someone swiped my green pen and that pisses me off cuz I like to write in different colors.

I left a message for the sicko to call at about 1:30 this afternoon, but he never did cuz he probably never went back to the deli afterward, so I hope to hell he calls today so I can get him all nervous and find out why he lied about paying Sasha’s vet bill. I knew the music book was a lie, too. Very typical of him when he can’t get constant attention and his hand held every day. It’s his way of seeking revenge. It’s so humorous, though.

6:40 AM

I just called the Forest Park Grill and left a message for Nervous. We’ll soon see if he calls me. I’m also gonna bring up his spying. That’ll shock the shit out of him and he probably won’t be too happy that I caught him and know about it.

7:10 PM

I found my green pen lying on the floor by the kitchen windows.

I just saw that bitch Rita come out of her car to go into her apartment. I felt like yelling something out to her but didn’t want the other neighbors to hear. I’ll only strike up a storm if she does.

If Nervo doesn’t call by 8:00, I’m gonna start my laundry, then go food shopping. I’ll first find out if Jessie needs to go and if we can do it together. I’ll probably just have to go myself.

Linda says I write funny, which is true cuz I write so many different ways. I guess it goes according to my mood.

I hope that if Nervous calls, he’ll be in his nervous mood, and he usually is in the daytime, for some reason. I really want to get him going. It is so hysterically funny!

I forgot to get stamps last time I was at Shoppers Drug. Next time, I’ll get them, and I’ve got to get Dad a birthday card.

I wonder what happened to my period. It just stopped, but I guess I’m not surprised cuz I have such a screwy cycle.

Sasha just got up on the bed with this look on her face, saying, “Why are you so busy writing? I want to cuddle.” She’s used to doing that at this time of morning anyway.