9/2/1994 Fri. 5 PM
I have mega updating to do and now's as good a time as any to do it. I've talked with Andy every day since he's been back and he's doing OK. He came over yesterday for a few hours. We hung out at the pool for a while and it was great cuz we saw no bees. I saw none today, either. They're getting less and less.
He told me that in the next few months Gloria's going to be releasing an album of oldies. Yeah!
I recorded a couple of songs off of old records for him, which was much easier than taping. What a turntable Tom has! I'd have loved to have that before I had tapes and CDs.
Kim and I talked. Her 24-year-old cousin Pam died of some kind of intestinal problem. She took it hard, I guess, cuz they were close. She said she got tickets to come out here from November 10-16. I'm happy but worried. I just don't want any problems with Tom and me.
Andy and I were talking about this letter my mom claims to have written to me. I discussed it with Tom, too. Tom thinks she misplaced it, although she said it was mailed out. I think that if it wasn't lost, she never even wrote it. Andy thinks she never wrote it. Why? I have a couple of theories. Perhaps it's out of a certain type of spite that she feels cuz I don't need her anymore. Cuz I really am grown up now and she can't control me. Maybe it was something she said to get me to tape the Barbra Streisand special, although I'd have gladly done that for nothing.
People say they’re going to do stuff they never do. Like with Tom. Yeah, I know he's busy, but I don't think he'll ever type a response to what I typed up. I also don't think he'll ever write to Lisa, either.
9:06 PM
I am so fucking pissed right now! I could literally slit someone's throat open. There's a movie on now I really wanted to see, but there's a fucking storm going on. Why do these storms have to come when I want to watch something that bad or when I'm asleep?
9/3/1994 Sat. 11:17 AM
Today I begin phase 3 of the Phase-Out system. I can just imagine the difference it'll make in how I feel, as it sure as hell made a difference in Phase 2. The great thing is how much better I feel. The not-so-great thing is that I still want to smoke just as much as usual.
I called Dr. Wilcox's office yesterday and they're sending me a form to sign and send back to them so they can send me my medical records to give to the new doctor. Yesterday I got my cut-off notice from Access. They have this program, though, for those who are no longer on SSI or SS that need regular medical care such as I do, but I'll call them to tell them I don't need it cuz I'm on Cigna. I'm also going to call my new doctor or Cigna pharmacy and ask about water pills. I really need them. Not only does it help with water and bloating, but also it helps alleviate the soreness in my tits that I get before that time.
Gotta call Prodigy to see if I got any mail. I'll do that when Tom leaves. He's working on a program right now and then at 1:00 he's going to work on Eldon's computer.
I hope we have time to get a little fun in before he leaves, but if we can't, we can't.
I began another book of letters in 79, but I may or may not keep it going. I probably will and not turn any of it into a personal journal cuz it's good for when I'm bored.
2:48 PM
Today I'm having one of those days where I feel skinny. I love it right after my period. I'm not retaining any water, I took a dump (a much-needed one) and I exercised. I'm in a good mood too, although I hope we can have sex tomorrow. Today I'll just take care of myself.
I got a letter from Alex today and something else pretty strange. It was a good luck chain letter mailed from Hartford. Tom said he thinks someone who knows me and knows I got married sent it, but I can't think of who would do that. I took an envelope and addressed it to Tammy in different handwriting with no address label. She'll probably throw it out, but if anyone needs better luck, it's her and her family. There was no return address when I got it and it was handwritten. It looks like a female's handwriting. What do I think? I think it was randomly mailed off or from one of those moneymaking jobs I sent away for information on. Tom brought up a good point, though. I sent for all that information in my maiden name.
Anyway, Tom said he'll buy me a lottery ticket, and we'll see.
I talked to my parents, who said they tried to call the other day. They got my figurine in one piece too, and loved the concert of Barbara. She also did write the letter but sent it to the wrong house number and it was returned today to her. Thank God it didn't get lost cuz then who knows when she'd write again. She hates to write. She said it said there was no such street number. Thank God there's no such street number, as someone like me or Andy could've gotten it and kept it.
Tom said not to worry at all about Kim coming to visit. That he wants me to be happy and he trusts my judgment. That's cool, cuz neither of us ever wants to fight. We both realize that we both can't always have our way. We know that's life, though.
I never thought I'd live to say this, but I believe in "for better or for worse,” and in forever, and so does he.
Last night's storm really did a lot more than knock out the cable. It knocked a tree down on our other next-door neighbor's lawn across W. Weldon. There is tons of shit in the pool. I'd dive down and get it now, but I just did my hair, so I'll wait. We also lost more of the green rafters out over the patio.
3:53 PM
I can't believe I forgot to write about the word search program! Oh, it's so cool, too. Tom found one of his old programs that it was on. All you do is type in what words you want after you head it with a name and it scrambles it up into a word search puzzle. You can have it be super tiny, to 2/3 of a page. It will tell you if you've got too many words or if you've typed the same word twice. I did some for Tom, Andy and myself. I also mailed off puzzles to my parents, Tammy, Bill & the girls, Kim, Bob and Alex. To Tammy and all them, I made 5 puzzles. One is titled Tammy & Bill's Only, cuz there were lots of swears, the other's titled Everyone's Puzzle, Lisa's Puzzle, Becky's Puzzle, & Sarah's Puzzle.
9/4/1994 Sun. 2:31 PM
God, do I feel sexually frustrated! There have been plenty of times yesterday and today where we could've done it, but obviously he's just not into it. I mean, I run around here half-naked and he won't touch me. Why do I turn him off? Maybe I should wear more clothes to cover up my flaws. He always tells me I'm beautiful, so maybe there's something physiological about him that makes him have such a low sex drive. The next time he's in there will tell me if he really meant it when he said he came last time. If he doesn't cum next time (whenever that will be), then I'll wonder, cuz he said once he gets over his “block” and cums, it's non-stop from there.
9/5/1994 Mon. 10:15 PM
Just when I reach the peak of my sexual frustration, Tom comes to the rescue. We fooled around yesterday, but he only went down there. That worked out OK, though, cuz sometimes that's all I want. I'm not surprised we didn't do anything today. We could've made the time, but we were pretty busy. I'm too beat to write about it now, but I will later if I have trouble sleeping.
Tom, or one of us, really oughta call Dimension cable and ask why the cable goes out so much. It doesn't only go out when it's storming. It's as calm as can be out there right now, but it just went out. At least nothing's on I really want to see.
Today we rearranged the back room. We put the computer, printer, and desk on the opposite wall.
We also dropped in on his parents for about 45 minutes. We returned to them (Marge & Ray) a glass dish she used to give us a cake she baked, as well as some canceled stamps from where Tom works. She gave us some brownies today that were really good.
The scale says I'm 101, but I would really love for it to say 95. It's easier to lose a lot of weight than it is to lose a few pounds.
Yesterday when Tom stopped at the grocery store, he got me a new drawing pad as well as some Garfield stationery. He said the stationery would be good for writing Lisa's letter.
Uh-huh. I still gotta see that to believe it, but after all, the guy has been busy. He's just not into writing, but I think most people aren't into writing.
Marge gave me a great idea as she was showing me the quilts she made. I'm knitting about 1½ feet, maybe by 3 feet. Then, I'm going to take an old towel, wrap the knit around it, sew it up, and the end result will hopefully be a pillow.
So, are we going to get those damn wedding pictures this week? I sure hope I get my mom's letter. If she mailed it out today, I'd get it by Thursday, hopefully.
I haven't heard from Andy for a few days. He must be busy catching up on all his soaps as well as his music.
There's this lizard I see outside in the very same spot all the time. Maybe he wants to be my friend.
The day before yesterday I lay out on the raft, and it was so beautiful and quiet. I got some color, and I was shocked, as I never saw one bee. Only one as I was leaving, but it wasn't near or in the pool.
Oh! I don't think I wrote about printing out the 23 journals I've completely typed up. I made the print super small, so as not to have to use a million pieces of paper. They totaled 133 pages. I put them in a 3-ring binder. I also folded my old address labels over the side of page 1 of each journal to separate them. I numbered the page of each one and drew lines in between the entry dates with my pink pen.
I'm not sure if I mentioned getting our personalized notepad yet, but we did. They stick up top and say "Tom & Mystery."
9/6/1994 Tues. 11:35 PM
Another day of feeling sexually frustrated. The guy's too tired, but what can I do? I basically fend for myself. I have questions I want to ask Tom, but he'll just take it like I'm trying to pick an argument with him. Well, I did ask him if he was over that block he said he had. He told me when we first met that once he gets over his block and is able to cum, then he has no problem cumming again. Earlier tonight, though, he said, "I don't know. We'll see." That deepens my suspicion that that time he said he came, he really didn't. I don't think it's possible for a guy to cum without having anything come out of their dicks. Well, I could maybe ask Andy sometime whether or not it's possible.
Now there are a couple of other things that have me confused. The other day, on our way to his parents, I had asked him what kind of rubbers he had. He was all embarrassed cuz I'd said that at a stoplight and the window was down. Like the person in the next car would've picked on us cuz I said that - right! Well, the big question is how come that embarrassed him, yet he wasn't embarrassed to talk about our sex lives with Wendy and Geri? He told me that when we first got together, and I was so tight that he mentioned that to them. He said that someone said, "At this day and age, they should have ways of stretching pussy." He asked me if I minded that he talked about personal stuff. I didn't mind, and I still don't mind.
Another thing is that I said we could've found the time to squeeze in some fun yesterday, but then he said that by the time I got up, he'd already put in a long hard day. True, but then why was he able to move and lift lots of stuff around for hours after I'd gotten up?
I think I'm about ready to give up trying to analyze things and just keep all the questions I have to myself. He's very sensitive, and I don't want him to take any questions I have personally or in the wrong way.
When we do get together for sex, it's nearly always great, and we say we can't wait to do it again. I mean it when I say that, but does he?
He says he doesn't want me to put anything else above him, and I'll make sure till the day I die that I try never to do that, but I feel like sometimes the computer and the TV come before me. I don't mean just having sex with me. I mean cuddling. He never stops me when I sit on his lap when he's sitting in his chair or wherever, but why doesn't he ever take my hand and sit me down on him? He does when I'm really upset and that's great, but it'd be nice more often when things are fine.
I asked him if he was trying to punish me cuz of Kim coming to visit in November and he said no. That's good to know cuz just cuz one of us has company, doesn't mean we still can't have sex or spend time with each other in spite of it.
I want to believe everything he tells me, but sometimes it's hard. Even when he tells me I'm sexy. I suggested using rubbers if he's over his block so at least he doesn't have to worry about my getting pregnant. We can't afford it now, as good as a breadwinner as he is cuz we first have to completely pay off the house, the wedding, and the rings. I've always been used to taking care of myself sexually when necessary, but now I'm back again thinking that it might be best for us not to have sex. This way I can't (and neither can he) get my hopes up for it, then not be able to for whatever reason. I know and accept that we both can't always have our way and that there'll be times when only one of us is available for sex, but I still wonder if he wants me that bad in a sexual way.
At least there's one thing I've never doubted. That's his true and sincere love for me.
A few hours ago, I made two copies of the same word search puzzle. For the second time, we raced at it, and I won by a landslide!
9/8/1994 Thurs. 1 AM
Today was a great day. Things were so much better today with a lot of things. I got up at 11:30 today and went to the ear, nose & throat Dr. He told me that one of the reasons why my bad ear may be so sensitive is cuz I may have a skin growth that's been building up. He mentioned some bone thing in the good ear, too, but said not to worry and that it won't ever be a problem. Let's hope not. He said he'd like to do a CT scan as well as some hearing tests and asked if I could try to get old records from Boston. He'd like to see the CT scans I had done in ‘87 or ‘88.
He'd also heard of Dr. Shutnik. He mentioned him before I ever did. I guess he was rather well known.
He said he didn't know if the operation would be covered by our insurance or if the operation would be a big deal or not. He said there weren't too many people around that did the type of surgery I'd need and that the operation would be about 5 hours and I could be in the hospital. Tom and I are going to at least check into it. It's amazing how supportive and eager he is about this. No one else really wanted to get involved or take time out from their everyday lives. I can understand that, though, to a degree.
I'm not going to get my hopes up or make set plans. All I'm going to do is let Tom and me find out what we can and what all our options are, then take it from there.
Tomorrow I'll call the Cigna pharmacy and ask if it's OK to take an over-the-counter water pill with what I'm on.
Tom and I did a lot of work on the back room. Things are more organized than they've ever been since we lived here. It's really coming along. Tom got some metal and some wooden shelves and he put up the 2 wooden wall shelves. He showed me how to set the timer on the 3 different things that are on it. The lamp in the back room, as well as the outside back and front lights.
I just changed the screensaver, as I like to do every now and then, and I also chose more icons for stuff Tom just added to my “world.”
Right before we left to go out today, I sure as hell got a surprise in the mail from my parents. When I saw their address label on the envelope as I pulled it out of the mail slot, I said to myself, how the hell could her letter get here in just a day? Well, it was a lovely wedding card that really nailed it to the point with what it said, as well as a check for $250! What a nice, generous surprise.
After the doctor, we went to K-Mart where we almost got me a dresser. The damn things didn't come disassembled in a box, and we couldn't fit it in the car.
Instead, I got a really cute birthday card for Sarah with live tigers on it. The envelope was nice too, with flowers and birds on the front left side of it. I signed it for us and wrote a check out for $10. Of course, I wrote it out to Tammy, but where it says "memo" I wrote: Sarah's birthday.
I also hit word-search jackpot. I got 3 books. One small, one medium, and one big. They'll keep me busy and last a while.
We also may get a portable dishwasher sooner than expected.
At the doctor's office, the receptionist thought I was Tom's "little daughter." Tom said, "No. She's my little wife." I knew that'd happen sooner or later since I look younger than I am and he looks a little older. I'm just surprised it wasn't sooner.
9/9/1994 Fri. 3:33 AM
Tuesday we got the wedding pictures. Finally, huh? We got the three 8 x 10s. One for us, one for each of our parents. Also, the two 5x7s. One for us and one for my sister and her family.
Hopefully, everyone got their word search puzzles OK. I can't wait to hear what people think of them.
I typed letters tonight to Kim and Bob. I stuck a Bob letter in Kim's letter and told her I'd save them up till November and give them to her when she gets here.
Last Wednesday Tom looked over all I wrote about my questions and feelings. I'll tell you what he said. He said it varied with different women and that he didn't know if it was a fluke, but as I get to know him I'll see that he cums in small amounts anyway. He also said he has no idea if he'll always cum, hardly ever, or what. Time can only tell that. As for discussing our sex life, the last time he talked about us was before we were officially together. I don't care if he does, but I can see him being shy and private with that, and that's fine and understandable to me.
As far as him working on moving and lifting stuff, he said he didn't want to let me down and not do as he promised, and knows how much I don't like someone saying they'll do something that they don't.
He says he means it when he says I'm sexy and the reason he's hesitant about cuddling with me is cuz I'd said that was hard to deal with when I'm horny. That's true that I said that, but I'm ready for it and can handle it now, as we both agree that cuddling's just as fun and as needed as sex. Besides, if he knows I’m horny, why doesn’t he just do something about it?
So our talk went well and neither of us got all upset, as we both knew that this was all part of continuing to get to know each other. I told him that people change their minds (including myself) and that if for whatever reason he had to or wanted to back out of something he said he was going to do, I'll understand, accept it, and I won't push him. Plus, I know I hate being nagged, too.
9/12/1994 Mon. 2:40 AM
Last Saturday, Mom called. Tom answered the phone and they chatted for a few minutes, then we spoke. She said that she and Larry were originally coming out this November, but now she thinks she and Dad will probably come out next summer.
Shortly after we spoke, her letter came. It was very nice. Tom read it too, of course.
My relationship with my parents has been too good to be true. I hope it stays this way. It will as long as I don't have a kid, although Tom disagrees. Well, they didn't disown me for being with women, dancing and marrying Tom, so we'll see. Maybe all I'd get would be lectures and I can hang up on that. I've done it before in the past.
I also got a letter from Bob, finished typing 11, and am now typing 12. Can you believe that once again the scale said 99! God, please let it stay that way.
My lungs have been better and better. Better than they have been in years and it's a wonderful feeling to be able to breathe. I can constantly go over 12 hours in between meds. It's been 16 hours now. In 2 months and 4 days, it'll be 1 year since I've had to go to the ER.
9/14/1994 Wed. 9:15 AM
I sure do have all kinds of stuff to write about this time around. I'll cover all the bad news first before I get to the good news. Tammy talked to Tom last night after I fell asleep. It appears that Bill's looking more and more doomed. His sister's going to see if she can give her bone marrow.
10 AM
I had stopped writing earlier cuz I was so hungry. I made up some bacon and tidied up some more.
Now I'm running through an old edit tape.
Last night I made a half-assed, very funny-looking quilt. I took some of the old material I used to make those two throw pillows out. Also, the "Stevie" dress Andy gave me that's too big and an old scarf that I must've had since I was 14 or younger. I sewed the pillow material together, then I glued it with fabric glue. I used the scarf and Stevie dress as a trim for the outer edges. I glued those on too. It may not last long, but it's good for now if you're chilly while you're lying on the couch watching TV.
Oh, Tammy said Ma's coming Sunday but has to see it to believe it. Yeah, I know what she means. Also, she's pissed cuz she said she was only going to be there for two days.
This morning I talked to her and today's Sarah's birthday. I believe she's 4. I talked to Andy, too.
Again, I weighed myself at 99 lbs.! Yeah! I wish I looked it, though.
I called the pharmacy, and he said I could take Diuril. Also, that over-the-counter water pills were virtually ineffective. Yeah, I learned that when I was 19. I have to see the doctor for the water pills, but the nurse said it'd only take 5 minutes. That'd be nice. Soon, I'll call for an appointment. Tom said not to worry if I can't get appointments on Tuesdays.
10:22 AM
Just came in from out back smoking a smoke. I'm bummed cuz the weather's suddenly gotten really chilly and the pool's chilly now, too. Its thermometer reads 80º, but for some reason, it's still chilly.
It's been so peaceful around here. No music, no dogs, no kids. Will it stay that way, though? God, I hope so!
I began typing up 12. What a miserable life I had back then.
Tom gave me a gray suede binder-like thing. There was a medium-sized pad of yellow-lined paper in it, and there was also a pocket on the other side of the pad of paper. The pad had 25 sheets in it. That's 50 pages in all, so Bob's in for a very long letter when I get it done. I'll probably have to put 3 stamps on it, but that's OK.
I haven't used my calligraphy markers in a long time, so I'll go get one.
OK, and now it's time for my good news. I went to an ear, nose and throat doctor, as I may have mentioned. He thinks the reason why I'd be bothered by my ear being so sensitive as I have been could be due to excess skin growth. It's a type of cyst that's non-cancerous and can be easily removed. He called a few days ago to say there's a doctor in Phoenix who thinks he can open my ear and it is all covered by Cigna. Yesterday Tom and I typed up and sent out letters for my records in Boston. They are not necessary, but it couldn't hurt to have either. On October 4, they're going to do a hearing test and a CT scan. So I hope to get the records before then. He said the doctor does try to do it in 1 step, and it should definitely be no big deal, even if it's 2-3.
I talked to Mom about and she said, "Go for it."
Just maybe I will be hearing out of two ears after all and I will know in this life what the hell stereo is.
Got my old checking account closed yesterday, and today I may get my medical records from Dr. Wilcox.
We put shorter legs on Piggle's cage. Now I don't have to climb on anything to reach all the way into his cage.
We also got bookends that I sure wish I had back when I began doing journals. They're great. They've got foamy stuff on the bottom so they can't slip and they're L-shaped, so the weight of the books is what holds them up cuz they slip under the ones on the end.
9/15/1994 Thurs. 6:15 AM
Yesterday I mailed Bob his 50-page letter. Last night I buffed my nails after filing them. I also washed clothes, which are now hanging to dry. I made Tom a sandwich for lunch at work and that's pretty much all my news for now. I spoke to Andy, who said Gloria's got her second kid on the way and it's due in December.
9/17/1994 Sat. 6 AM
Tom should be getting up anytime now, so I thought I'd write a little in the meantime.
Today's Phase 4, the final phase of the Phase-Out program. I continue to feel much better, but still want to smoke as much. I laid out yesterday and got a little more color, but only a little. The pool's already too cold. I got a Rosh Hashanah card from my parents and a letter from Alex. Today we're going food shopping and I don't know what else we're going to do.
I still haven't gotten my medical records from Dr. Wilcox, but I hope to hear something soon from Boston. On October 13th, I'll be meeting with Dr. Nielsen to discuss the CT scan and hearing test. Hopefully, then I'll be told if the operation's possible and when it can be done.
Well, now I'm going to go do some computer work.
9/18/1994 Sun. 8:05 AM
Well, the typing of 12 is going fast. I'll be done with it in no time. I was soooooooo miserable then, but it keeps getting worse till I get out here. It was only rough for me here in Phoenix for almost the first year, but it was a joke compared to my average times back east.
Yesterday was great. Tom and I went food shopping and had fun when we came home. He had no problem getting it in there. We didn't cum but we both were so close. More and more, I can see what he means when he says it's still fairly new for both of us. For example, when he's in there, my clit gets pushed up so it's not as long. I give myself the extra stimulation in the same way that I do when I take care of myself. However, it is a different feeling that is great, but I will have to get used to it.
Tom worked a few hours yesterday and went out to check out prices on both portable dishwashers as well as ones that go under the counter.
The last few days have been rather educational for me. On a talk show, there were ladies from Penthouse magazine who were as short as me. I didn't know they had such short women posing for them. I thought they'd discriminate against a short girl, which would be pretty stupid and unrealistic, as we all come in all shapes and sizes.
On Prodigy, it said that the more a guy cums, the higher his sperm count is. I didn't know that either. I was telling Tom that I thought it was the other way around. I thought that the longer a guy went without cumming, the more it built up.
Tom says we've definitely gotta do it more often to get him in better shape. Now his legs cramp up. I said I agreed, but thought that before work would be too hectic a time and that after work, he'd be too tired. He said we could work it out. I agreed and said that millions of other couples find the time. We’ve got to stop making excuses and stick to what we start.
Before I went to bed, he did a little tongue work down there.
I asked Tom, what if a woman just got pregnant, didn't know it, and had surgery? Would it kill the baby? He said it wouldn't unless she had her female parts operated on. Oh, I didn't know that.
I also told him if we had a kid at any age, I wouldn't be able to have this operation. He said, "Don't you have any faith in me?" He said of course I could have the operation and he would take care of the kid while I did. Oh, I didn't know a mother could just run off to have surgery unless it was life-threatening.
8:44 AM
I just went to take my meds and have a bowl of soup. I've been feeling so much better that I hope soon I can be on 200mg of my meds and no longer 300mg.
I watched the Miss America Pageant and it's about time that a deaf girl won, even if it seemed so staged.
I feel so bad for Tammy and very disappointed with Mom. It turns out that she's been in MA since last Wednesday, and she's been to Larry's house, her sick brother Ronnie's house, this couple in Brimfield's house, and as of now she's at Boo's house in Longmeadow. An hour and 10 minutes away! She said Mom said she wasn't sure when or even if she could get to Tammy's during this trip. The nerve of that woman! Imagine how hurt the girls must be. If I had a kid, I wouldn't even bother to wait and see if they dumped me. I'd dump them cuz I wouldn't want my kids to have to go through any of their shit. She just never wanted to deal with her kids or grandkids.
Also, Aunt Ruth sent them a sympathy card. That's real nice of her, but thanks to her for not sending us a wedding card. I think I'd hang up at this point if my aunts or uncles called.
I left Andy a message all about it and said he could call her every now and then if he wanted. I tried calling Dad a few times but got no answer. I'll go try again.
9:01 AM
No answer. I guess he's probably out at their flea market.
Tom's working now, but I hope he'll be home soon. Today I may lie out and get myself some color. I finished 1 out of the 3 word-search puzzle books. I'm going to copy in Alex's letter and try to finish typing 12.
2:33 PM
Today sure did start as a bad day for Tammy but ended up to be a better one for her and a funny one for me. I called her again and she bitched out her frustration some more about mom and told me to feel free to talk to dad and express to him how much she needs mom right now.
Then I was talking to the girls when Lisa said Ma was there and we hung up.
Dad finally answered around 4 PM his time and I disguised my voice into a young, sexy voice. I said I was his neighbor and wanted to know if he'd come over for an X-rated slide show. There aren’t really any younger people there and he figured it was just a prank and went along with it saying, "An X-rated slide show? I'd love it, I'd love it!"
So, we talked a while, and he says he's sending me a letter (hopefully to the right address) and a Halloween doormat. Supposedly, when you step on it, it says, "Boo!"
He jokingly said that Ma was at the NHA seeing if they would take me back, but no one's there anymore. I said, "Yeah, that's cuz the place either killed them or they're all in the funny farm now like I was."
When I asked him to guess what journal I was on, he guessed 63, then 72.
I told him I'd leave him alone for a year when I get his letter, but that due to the fact that I write everything in my journal he can't say it's been under a year if it hasn't been.
So I called Tammy again and talked to Mom. I asked her how the weather was and she said it was cold. I laughed royally and at Tammy, too. I told her to bring her suit on over and hang out with me at the pool. Yup, that's where I was twice today and God blessed me as miraculously they weren't home next door. I got more color and I did manage to swim a bit, but the water's super chilly.
Something's still wrong with the computer. I'll tell Tom when he gets home. While I was leaving Andy a message, he called to say we were going to be rich, it was going to be a $200 weekend and that he'd be home between 3:30 and 4:00.
Then Wendy called, who said Tom was a maniac for working so hard. I agree, but the breadwinner must do whatever he needs to do. I wrote her message down for him so I wouldn't forget.
3:22 PM
Either yesterday or tomorrow Bob oughta have his 50-page letter. I just pray I put enough postage on it and that it doesn't get returned to me. If they do return it, I'm not paying for it to be returned. He says he's sending Andy a letter. He'll like that. I also sent Bob 5 envelopes, which he asked for, with my 5 different cat address labels on them. I figured that if I'm going to send him envelopes, he's going to have to use them on me.
9/19/1994 Mon. 10:47 AM
Well, that's definitely the end of my journal typing for a long, long time. It just crashed and I lost two pages or more. It's been doing this to me a lot lately and I'm sick of it. I thought computers were supposed to be dependable, but I guess not.
I dusted and straightened up a bit, but now I think I'll go do the dishes, clean the bathroom, clean the stove, fridge and microwave. Change my sheets, too.
12:37 PM
Got a lot of stuff done. I did the dishes, wiped down the stove, refrigerator and microwave. I'll save the bathroom for tomorrow. The chair's cushion in the living room always slips out, so I took an adhesive mounting strip and hopefully that'll work. If it does, I'll give the couch the same treatment.
Let's see...what else did I do? I watched a movie I taped last night. It was pretty good. This Wednesday's the season premiere of Law & Order. I know I'll get only 10 new shows, but oh well.
I took a bath a little while ago, and now I'm going to go play Nintendo games. Remember the game with the ducks you shoot? Tom taught me how to play that almost a year ago. Yesterday he taught me a racecar game. We set it up in the living room, so it's no hassle to get to.
1:32 PM
I played some games. I sure have improved at them. Made some clam chowder soup and now, who knows what I'll do. I'd have really liked to do my journal typing, but not if the damn thing's going to keep crashing on me.
Soon we'll have stamps for quite a while. We're ordering 100 regular stamps and 50 postcard stamps. The mail will be here any time now and if all goes well, I won't get Bob's 50-page letter returned to me.
Did I mention sending Nervous the letter I got from my mom a couple of weeks ago? Well, I did. He hasn't heard from me in months, so I figured what the heck? I also made up a word search puzzle for him with all kinds of dirty words. If he ever hears from me again, though, by mail, it'll be a very, very long time.
As for Fran, I don't send him anything cuz I don't want him to take that as an invitation to call me. I still can't believe just how lucky I've been with no calls from him. I wonder if he lost his phone, got in trouble, got deathly ill, or died. I know he had mentioned some female cop was taking him to court due to his harassing her. Too bad it's not Laurie H.
2:11 PM
The mail just came and I got two letters from Kim. All she basically had to say was she was back to her letter writing, looking forward to coming out here, but would get into details later. Well, I hope she answers my questions soon. I wrote and asked her if she was getting a rental car at the airport and if she could stay at that guy's house, and I also told her about my very likely ear surgery. I let her know it could happen during the dates she plans to be here.
In her second letter, she enclosed a short note with the Bob letter she got that she forgot to enclose in the first letter. The letters he sent her are just like mine - nothing new.
I hope Kim got her puzzles. She never mentioned it, so hopefully she just forgot to. Bob liked his as his letter in 79 says. Most of the writing in this book is very small, so it's almost like 2 books in 1.
I'm listening to an old edit tape, and soon I'll watch TV. For now, though, I'll go play more Nintendo games since my luck's running high.
9/20/1994 Tues. 8:30 AM
Remember how I was saying I could screw on top? Well, yesterday was a major breakthrough cuz I was very, very close to doing it. I'll definitely be able to do it sooner or later with no discomfort, just like I can do it with him on top. The only other thing I wish I could change is my being such a light sleeper and not being able to sleep with him. If he could sleep with me in here, I could put my stereo in his room.
He's working on his picture-printing program now and later on today we'll be going to the grocery store (Smith's) and off to get that dishwasher. It may be a few days, though, till we can get it delivered.
It's very cloudy out there today and I believe it's only going to be in the upper 90s. I talked to Tammy a little while ago and she said Mom describes the days as cold and nights as freezing. Ha, ha, ha!
In other news, I got a few messages from Andy.
5:50 PM
Today has been more of a busy, yet fun and productive day. Tom and I went to the mall and we didn't get a dishwasher, although we did look at some. He got some electronic parts and a remote extender. It's very stylish. They're in the shape of pyramids and they're great cuz now we can print pictures so much easier. We no longer have to unhook the VCR and drag it from the living room to the back room. It can stay right where it is.
We also got some fonts, but some of them are incomplete. We got cans of air that blast dust from keyboards. One for us and one for his parents. We got a really cute mouse and mouse pad. The mouse is in the shape of a mouse. It's white with two blue eyes and a blue cord. The mouse pad is of Mickey Mouse.
For me, I got 6 new pairs of underwear. They came in sets of 3. 3 have ruffles at the sides, with white stripes through all of them, but each one's got 1 other different color. One's purple, one's red and one's blue. The other 3 have no ruffles. Just a string band at the sides and they're of lace. One's flowered, one's black and one's white. I was never happier to ditch 6 very old pairs. I ditched a black pair with lace in the front, and a pink and blue pair with lace that went around the waist. They were identical styles. I also ditched an identical yellow pair that was like the black one and a white and aqua-colored pair. Well, that's it for the panty update.
Got the new Gloria CD, but one of the 5 remixes is much longer than the originals. I love it. I had 3 of them on old 12" albums that I taped onto tapes and they sounded pretty shitty. I got Oye Mi Canto, Get on Your Feet, Bad Boy and the 2 remixes I'd never heard before are 1-2-3 and Rhythm Is Going to Get You.
I made history again today as I went nearly 24 hours in between med times!! I think I'll be able to get by with one a day for the most part. Then hopefully I can take only 200 mg, then none! And quit smoking too, of course.
Tom did some wonderful tongue work before we went out and later, we'll do some inner fun.
What else is new? Not much. Got 2 letters in 1 from Bob.
We also went to the grocery store. I got some Garfield vitamins. They certainly taste better than the Flintstones. Got a new tube of KY jelly, but I could not find the musk body lotion I like. That stuff's mild and really nice. The Caché I got a couple of weeks ago is way too strong.
We barbecued up a T-bone steak, which came out great.
We printed a couple of 4" pictures in black and white. He showed me the difference between 8-bit and 24-bit.
9/21/1994 Wed. 6 PM
I got up at 6:30 this morning. It was raining and cloudy during most of the day, but I sure got a lot done today. First of all, Eldon left a message for Tom. I also got a letter from Kim. The good news is that she is getting a rental car, as I figured, and she can definitely stay at that guy's house.
Dr. Wilcox's office called to ask me a stupid question. They wanted to know if I was changing doctors. No shit! I told them that in my letter. The girl there says my records are on their way, nonetheless.
I quickly chatted with Dad and Tammy. I trimmed my bangs but missed a few hairs.
Tomorrow's my appointment to hopefully get those water pills. I need them desperately.
Later I'll write about last night's sex, Piggy’s cage, and the computer.
9/23/1994 Fri. 1 PM
Andy's coming over, but I know I'll have to wait forever, so I thought I'd write. Got my dad's letter, which was nice and also funny. Got the Halloween doormat too. It needs two AA batteries, which Andy says he's picking up on his way over.
The post office screwed up again. We specifically ordered 100 regular stamps and 50 postcard stamps. We got the 100 regular stamps, but we got 50 stamped postcards instead of 50 postcard stamps. The idiots are no doubt doing it in the hopes that we still need those 50 postcard stamps, order them, then they've made themselves one extra sale.
I also got my medical records from Dr. Wilcox's office. Part of it really pissed me off. Talk about assuming or taking things too literally! I was shocked to see that she actually went and wrote that I asked, "Am I going to die? But I have to live long enough to be a famous singer."
When I said this, it was strictly a joke. God, it’s scary to think that all the while I was seeing her and she was smiling to my face, she was actually writing all these mean things about me. The thought of sharing this with other doctors really embarrasses me.
Then she goes and writes this bullshit about my supposedly saying, "I'm not nuts, just nervous seeing a new doctor."
I'm sure I did say I was nervous, but I wouldn’t use the word nuts in that situation.
She said I was nervous, anxious and in a panic when she did the pelvic exam. Anxious and nervous, yes. Panic, no.
There was this part where she said, "She really hated the project back east cuz of all the noise, even though she's deaf in one ear."
As if to say I was full of shit about being deaf in one ear. Also, I did tell her that my other ear hears plenty well enough.
Lastly, it was “inappropriate” to call her with an emergency late at night. I remember that time, too. She was bitching about being all worried if she could fall back asleep or not. What the fuck did she become a doctor for if she can’t handle it???
Bob got my 50-page letter and he called today like I said he could. We talked for 5 minutes about the usual. Andy got a letter from Bob, too. Twice a year, I told Bob he could call. Maybe like December and June.
I quickly talked to Mom and Tammy, too. Mom heads home tomorrow.
Yesterday I went and got the water pills I needed. So far they've helped. Last night I woke up twice to go pee. I didn't fall asleep till 1 AM either, but was proud of myself this morning when the alarm went off at 8:00. I felt like I could've slept 4-6 more hours, but like a good girl, I dragged myself out of bed. I'm tired and my TD is acting up, but it's worth it.
Yesterday we had sex again, but not like a couple of nights ago. We were both more relaxed than ever and I felt no pain at all. I feel so blessed cuz Tom's so patient. Also, we're doing it more, and the more we screw, the better I feel, just like the more I see him, the better I feel. Same for him too, of course.
I painted Piggle's cage the other day. His cage has 6 legs. I did each one a different color and I did the top frame too. It looks great, but rather childish. It looks like a cage you might find in a kindergarten or a 1st-grade classroom.
6:30 PM
As I wait for Tom, I'll do some writing. As of now, I'm feeling a little bored with PMS bleakness and pre-cramping. I'm tired too, with a slight headache. I'll be fine, though, when Tom comes home. He always cheers me up.
Andy got me the batteries I needed for the Halloween mat and I gave him that Caché lotion and recorded a couple of oldies records for him.
For the most part, he lay out back by the pool while I watched TV. I did some dishes and made Lipton butter and chives noodles for Tom and me.
9/24/1994 Sat. 9:41 PM
I'm pretty beat, so I'm going to make this a quickie. We did lots of stuff in the back room. We got these huge metal shelves set up, so that'll get lots of shit off the floor. I did mega typing in 13 today and I'm done with it.
9/25/1994 Sun. 9:29 PM
I finished typing journal 13. That was fast, huh? Got up at 9:30 this morning and didn't do too much.
Minnie, Bob's 18-year-old friend, called me twice today. She's on Bob's side and said she'd kiss the ground Bob walks on. She lived with him for a few months and he never tried anything on her, she says. She wanted to know when visiting hours were. She also said she had the article about Bob in the paper there with her. She says she'll mail me a photocopy of it, but I'll have to see that to believe it. She said she kept forgetting to send it to Kim. Well, if I ever get the thing from her, I'll mail it to Kim after I read it.
Today Tom and I screwed twice in a row. Again it looked as if he was stopping before he was to cum. At one point I asked if he was OK and he said he was trying to cum, but he stopped too soon. He said if he stops just as he's about to cum, he gets the total feeling, but has a hard time judging it. The first time around, he was rock hard, then suddenly went soft. He said he came the same way he did the other time, where little or nothing came out. He says he's done that before.
The second time we did it, he wore out. I still can't cum that way yet, although it feels really good, so 80% of me believes him and 20% of me feels he may not want to cum in me.
9/26/1994 Mon. 5:27 PM
Last night I couldn't fall asleep till around 4 AM. I lay there for hours crying, so depressed and asking myself why I'm up for 18 hours so much of the time? I had my alarm set for 9:30. When it went off, I hit the snooze once or twice, then got up for a cigarette. Then I went back to bed and told myself I'd get up after hitting the snooze just a couple of more times. The next thing I knew, I opened my eyes to see that it was 12:30. I felt so depressed and like the biggest failure ever. I had been doing so well. All I could think about was how the hell was I going to get to my appointment and how in the world could I ever be a mother?
All I could do was lie around or watch TV, then finally I called Tammy. She said what I was crying over was so stupid and that if my husband and I had poor health or our house caught on fire, that'd be one thing. She said that if she were me, she'd hang up, laugh, and go get beautiful for my husband. She said I'm not alone, lots of people are just like me, and I have accomplished a lot and become a lot. She said she gets up at the same time every day cuz of the kids, but she doesn't go to bed at the same time every night. She said it depends on what's going through her mind and how Bill feels, etc.
I'm going to get to my appointments one way or another. I don't care if I've woken up at 4 PM the previous day and am awake till the appointment, or over 24 hours.
As for being a mother? Well, the more I thought about it, the more I began to realize things I'd never realized before. That is, for over a year, perhaps several, I couldn't have a set schedule anyway. Meaning that while I was pregnant, I'd be woken up at all hours anyway. By it kicking, me having to puke, fear of labor and delivery, etc. I read that that's perfectly normal and expected. Also, after it was born, I couldn't oversleep anyway and end up being a neglectful mom with it screaming like a police siren. Not even when it was 1-10, as it'd be running around screaming, banging and throwing things. So there's no way I could sleep through that. I should know that from the NHA. I'd only have to hope my heart and lungs could take it and that I could deal with my TD acting up more as it does with lack of sleep. I'd also have to deal with gas too, but that's the milder side of it.
11:19 PM
Tom came home just as I was finishing up my last entry. As I knew he would, he reassured my mind and made me feel a whole lot better.
9/28/1994 Wed. 3:33 AM
I didn't get my period yesterday when it was due, so that means I'll have it today.
My in-laws gave me 5 different cactus plants of a few different varieties. We're going to plant them around the pool.
Also, a drawing desk I've always wanted where the top of it is slanted. It's also called a drafting table. My next-door neighbor on Woodside Terrace, Nancy H, had one. She lived where Jai lived the first time I lived in that building.
11:11 PM
I mean it when I say it this time, but I will never ever type another journal again. First the cursor would not work, then the mouse wouldn't kick out the screen saver. I'd saved my work, so I figured everything would be just fine till I brought up journal 14, which I began to type up. Everything turned to question marks and all kinds of other symbols. Now, I'm going to go see if I can type up everything I want to write in here without any problems.
11:25 PM
I decided not to type anything cuz I want Tom to see what happened to my first two pages of that journal, and it won't give me a new window that's blank. I could insert a break and tell it to only print from the break on down, but why bother? The thing will probably just crash again. We've both been trying to figure it out for ages now and about a week or so ago I thought I'd found one of the problems. I did, actually, and that was what I was going to write about a while back. We added some new fonts and one of them was corrupting all of them. I was going through them all to pick out and write down the ones I liked and disliked. I'd type the name of the font as I'd test it and check it out. Well, there was this one called Gaps that made all fonts become one. I managed to print out what it looked like, too. After that, I went back through the same routine, skipping that font and everything was fine.
I have quite a few things now in my world, Mystery's World. Tom just added a calendar, which is pretty neat. This is for me to type in stuff for either both of us or just one of us to do.
Tom's going to be getting a surprise in the mail within a day or so. Remember all those stamped postcards I mentioned? Well, 25 of them will be used for business-related stuff. I'm using the other 25. One for Tammy, 1 for Bill, 1 for each niece, and 1 for all of them. Then, 6 for Bob, 6 for Kim, and 6 for my parents. All that totals 24, so guess who got the remaining card? You guessed it. Tom himself. It oughta be neat to see someone get mail that I sent that lives with me.
I also taped him an episode from Tales from the Crypt I heard him say he liked and was one of his favorites.
9/29/1994 Thurs. 2:16 AM
Last night I sat down at my new drawing table, but I just couldn't create anything to save my life. Then after a while, I went into my bedroom and did an awesome wall drawing by my closet door that's closest to the windows. I did it right in the corner, so I kind of did it on two walls. I made a vase, then a tree with flowers I'd never done before. I made 6 branches and each branch has about 6 different clusters of tiny flowers. Each branch's flowers are of different colors. I made the vase of coral reef with purple streaks. The flowers are red, violet, medium sky blue, orchid, pink and another branch of red. Actually, the reds are really raspberry. It came out great, though, and the whole thing's about 5' tall.
2:40 AM
I've been getting these waves of pain in my upper gut lately. I hope it doesn't amount to much, but I'm sure it's gas.
Christina left Tom a message saying they're moving into our area. Geri and Christina don't even know we're married yet. Tom last talked to Geri directly before we got married and he couldn't really get a word in edgewise cuz she was so psyched about being engaged herself.
At one point I made a comment to Tom saying, "After my ear surgery I'll pretend I'm 18 years old and all fucked up and maybe whatever's up there will give us a kid." But I once really was 18 and fucked up, but due to only doing it a few times with 2-3 guys, and perhaps a little bit of fate, I never got pregnant, but thank fucking God! That's all I would've needed back then.
So then he said, "We can have a kid after the really important stuff is done, like your ear surgery, and it would help the business in some ways." Like motivating us more, as not only would we want to make money for ourselves but the kid, too. Also, to see how a kid would like certain computer games or whatever else we'd make and so much more.
Yeah, the more I think about it, the more I like the idea of a kid and feel more ready for it. If I truly am fertile, I feel more and more like it really may happen one of these days, despite the fears and worries any new mother would have. There would be times when I'd need verbal reassurance and comforting from Tom and his positive, "Everything will be OK" attitude. I can always count on Tom. He never pushes me away. I still can't believe how much I love this man and how lucky and blessed I am. If anyone ever fucked with him or any kid we had, I'd kill them. If I didn't, I'd no doubt come very close.
He said something to me last night that made me love him even more, just when I thought I couldn't love him anymore. He said if I ever wanted to go anywhere alone, he would drive me there and pick me up at a set time.
Here's a real man who doesn't push me to work, lets me be a housewife, be a part of his business, but who'll let me see friends here and there without giving me shit. I feel the same about him. He could go out to dinner with 10 women and I know I could trust him. Even if they were better looking than me and there are plenty out there as well as ugly dogs.
I'm sorry, though, that I dislike Geri without meeting her, but sometimes it's an easy thing to do, like I feel he has with Kim and Bob. Opinions are like assholes, though. Everybody's got one.
5:42 AM
Tom's up now and somehow he fixed my journal problem. He's watching the show I taped him.
9/30/1994 Fri. 5:12 AM
Tom's postcard came yesterday, but I was asleep when he read it.
I rearranged my audiocassettes a bit and got rid of stuff I now have on CD to save room. I made Tom a medley of songs he likes by Sting and Meat Loaf.
At midnight, Andy surprised me with a call. He called this girl Karson so I could hear her talk. Yup, she's great edit material. When he called, Sara was on the line but hung up after about 10 minutes. When he called Karson, I had the mute on and didn't talk to her. She agreed to accept calls from Fran. She has a long-distance block on her line now. Andy called Fran, who gave him her number. He asked about me, and Andy reminded him I wanted nothing to do with him. I'll hang up if he tries calling.
He mentioned that Nervous moved to the Maple St. area. Yeah, I believe that. I had a feeling about it, too. He probably moved with Crystal.
Tom should be up soon.
I talked to my sister and my parents yesterday. I was going to send Ma the information on the Phase-Out system, but I can't find it. I'll keep looking, but Tom's up now, so - bye!
9:20 PM
Tom found me the information on the Phase-Out system to send to my mom.
This morning I began making my medley and it's coming out great.
Tom talked with Geri and Eldon earlier this evening. Geri wants to meet me and Eldon has a super-fast computer brain for us.
We went over the computer calendar and scheduled stuff for the weekend and Tuesday.
I'm now recording two movies for us both.
We're getting along better and better each month. We're really getting to know one another and we very rarely argue. Yes, I have a real-life relationship that I not only thought I could never get but that most people only ever dream of.
Well, now it's time to work some more on my medley.
