December 1992

12/1/1992 Tuesday 10:11 PM

That was really nice of Kim to send that package, but can you believe I still haven't gotten my parents' package? What's taking so long? I guess this is cuz of the holidays. I hope I finally get it tomorrow.

Dennis took me to the doctor, and amazingly enough, I wasn't there all that long. He gave me yet another cream to use for downstairs and refills.

I also asked him about a place around here for ear surgery. I'm going to call Boston information for the address and number of Mass Eye & Ear Infirmary, as well as Mass General. Then I'm to call the doctor's office back and ask for Kelly, who handles records. She's gonna get them from Boston. After that, Dr. Kareus will send me to someone for their opinion and recommendations.

Andy took me to the King's Table, which is an all-you-can-eat buffet. We snuck some chicken out in a bag.

He taped Reasonable Doubts for me, as it was on while we were gone. I'm watching TV now. Hunter's coming on next.

Last night we went to a place called Marie Callender's. I got some good quiche there, and he got London broil. I gave our waitress a red jacket for her kids. It was a nice jacket I got from Mom, but it was a major hassle getting it on and off. In exchange, the waitress gave us each a free slice of pie.

On my way out, Andy and I grabbed 3 balloons that were by the door. They're on the floor now, as their helium is gone.

12/2/1992 Wednesday 2 AM

I'm still not tired, but I must try to fall asleep soon, as I want to keep a day schedule for a while.

I really hope I get my package tomorrow. I hope I also get letters from Tammy and Lisa. Maybe even Bob will write.

This will be the first b-day with no misery. No isolation or crack houses around me. No snow. No bitter cold weather. I only had one other birthday in semi-warm weather. That was my 24th b-day in Florida. That was no fun. Yes, this will surely be the first b-day where I'm finally truly happy and content. Of course, I'd still love to be able to quit smoking, make it in the music business, and be a butch lover. Now there's no way in hell or in this life, I'll ever look at a butch and say, "God, she's gorgeous!"

As for becoming a singer and quitting smoking, well, I don't know about that either.

Another weird thing about turning 27 is the fact that I wasn't even supposed to live to see my 17th b-day. Also, I look 17 still, depending on how I'm dressed. It's amazing to retain my youth and so much energy after all I've gone through, both physically and mentally.

Andy told me he's invited Diane, Donna, and Velma over for cake and ice cream Friday night at 7:30. I explained to him (and he does understand) that this is very weird, awkward, and a little embarrassing for me. I'm not used to this or being around so many people, at least not for a very long time, and 3 people I barely know are a lot for me. I'll feel sort of "on the spot." I'm only used to family members around on my b-day or one or two friends that I know quite well. I will tell Andy to tell Diane, Donna, and Velma that I may be embarrassed and that I'm not used to this, so they'll understand and not mistake me for being stuck-up and unappreciative.

Well, he's gone to bed, so I think I'll leave a message for him. When he wakes up, he's gonna leave me messages.

Once again, I hope I get my package, but at least I got my doctor's appointment done and over with.

8:43 PM

During commercials, I'll write.

I finally got my packages today. I got a gorgeous bracelet with clear stones of many different colors. I got a really nice necklace, which is sort of hard to describe. It's like Indian and Western. She sent a gold chain necklace and 2 gold chain bracelets, but the bracelets are too big.

She also sent this little tube-like thing that's 2 feet long or so. When you tip it from end to end, it makes a weird and funny sound. To me, it sounds like someone's puking. I played it on Andy's machine, and he thought it was Melissa, the CP lady!

I also got 2 more of those little teddy bears with the hands that clasp together. Now I have 3 of them clasped onto the stick on my blinds in the kitchen.

I got another tiny little stuffed animal, a cigarette case, a box of pads and tampons, paper towels, toilet paper, laundry detergent, sunscreen, a box of instant potatoes, hot chocolate, a nice and different cosmetic bag, a strap-like thing for the wrist, hot oil treatment, a can of grape jelly, a troll key chain doll, and a little toy piano with 1½ octaves.

12/3/1992 Thursday 1:04 AM

Tara called earlier and said she and Tonya had a birthday card for me. When the phone rang, I thought it was Andy and I asked, “Are you eating?” I asked this cuz he always calls and eats on the phone, munching in my ear.

Tara was telling me about this funny dream she had, and I knew I had to tell Andy about it. He laughed. She told me she dreamt she was getting married to Madonna and was at her house. Madonna was cooking her dinner, and she said to Tara, “I want you to meet my parents before we get married.” And Tara just said, “OK, sure, fine.”

She also told me she’s still very, very busy with school and work. She told me her boss was gay and somewhat attractive and feminine. She said she doesn’t wear makeup too much, but when she does, she’s pretty. She has shoulder-length hair. When she finally met her girlfriend, she could see just what I meant when I said fems go for butches, butches go for fems, and there are plenty of butches with other butches. This girlfriend of hers was pretty damn ugly. She told me she feels the same way I do and doesn’t want a relationship. She just wants occasional sex, as she’s got very little free time, needs her space, and doesn’t want to go through the bullshit. She’s getting with guys the same thing I’ve gotten from women. The guy says he’ll call and never does, or he’s always there.

I told her I was gonna tell her something I never thought I’d ever be brave enough to say after the Maliheh B. case and several others. Well, I told her that if she ever does get curious, she doesn’t have to be shy. I’m here, and I’m attracted to her and would never and could never put strings on her. Well, I know she’ll never approach me for sex, but she did say I’d be the first one she’d go to cuz she knows me, and she also thinks that butches are ugly.

2 AM

I just finished watching a talk show, and I just threw in a tape of the edits.

My check comes today. Therefore, I must see if Dennis will take me to the store. I’ve got to get some groceries to hold me over till I get my food stamps. I didn’t get any mail today, so I hope tomorrow I get letters from Lisa and Tammy. There are only a few other errands and places I may go to.

Andy’s gonna pick up my prescription, and we may go to a swap meet on Sunday. I sure as hell hope he doesn’t want to go early, cuz there’s no way I’ll be able to get up.

This Saturday afternoon I’ll be picking up my picture at the office.

I still haven’t begun my story, and I have not done more editing, but I’m definitely gonna want to write letters to my family. I’m gonna have lots to tell. I’ll also write to Kim, Bob, Nervous, and Fran.

I was a little ticked off at Kara earlier. You know how it is with people. I tell them to call me first, and they do so for two months, then they knock and wake me up. It turned out OK, though, as UPS came not too much later. Kara also came over with Ashley. I can’t stand it when she brings her over. I had us all out on the patio, so she couldn’t trash my place. If Kara holds her down, the damn thing screams. The reason why she brought her was cuz after she visited me, she planned on seeing Brian and Angel. I didn’t know she knew them, and I thought they moved. They were in Idaho for the last 3 months.

Earlier, a little before 7:00, Andy came over to see what I got from Mom and Dad. He also looked at all my journals. The covers, that is. I think number 13 is the ugliest, but he likes it. 6 and 7 are quite boring, too, but I took care of 6. Yes, I fixed it up quite nicely. I took an old barrette with a bow on it. The material and pattern of the bow are pretty. It’s on a velvet black background with stripes of red and blue through it that are sort of glittery. I cut the bow off the barrette. Then I ironed out the bow flat. I cut the pieces to fit the cover of number 6, which is a small journal; otherwise, I’d never have enough material to cover it. Then I glued it on. I used a toothpick to spread the glue out on the journal, then just slapped on the material.

Andy’s now trying to sing Desde La Oscuridad. Actually, this is the edited version. Kara heard it and was dying of laughter. I put this on the tape I made for her.

Believe it or not, but luckily for me, I am actually getting sleepy. Sleep is exactly what I hope I can do now. I certainly didn’t get enough hours of sleep last night. Barely 6 hours, so I’ll go try really hard to fall asleep.

2:53 PM

I woke up at 9:00 to take my meds. Also, there was some loudmouth granny and a little girl traipsing by, and I’ll kill them if I ever hear them again that early! Those who get up early have no respect for those who don’t get up early, I swear. I went back to sleep till noon.

Today’s a gorgeous day, and there’s a breeze, too. I have my bedroom window and sliding glass door open. My ceiling fan is on, too. It’s nice to be able to air the place out during the day in the winter and at night during the summer. In Springfield, I was only able to open the window from late May to early September just to air out the smoke and dust, only to let the pollution in.

Well, my clothes are in the dryer now.

I went over to Andy’s to call for the phone numbers and addresses of Mass General and Mass Eye & Ear Infirmary.

I called the doctor’s office to ask for Kelly, but the office was closed. Why so early, I don’t know.

While I was over at Andy’s, Fran left a message. It figures I would just miss his call. He’ll have to call me back when he wants to.

I got no mail today, but my check’s in the bank, so later Dennis and I are going to the store. Shortly after I got up, I went to Dennis’s at 12:30. He had some meat and noodles for me that were leftovers they were sick of. It was good.

I told them about the stuff my parents sent and that I have enough paper towels to open a store with. I am going to bring them two rolls, cuz Bea uses them like crazy.

3:19 PM

In 10 minutes I’ll be going to get my clothes out of the dryer.

I’m watching this amazing story of an 80-year-old woman who came out of a coma after 30 years.

4:09 PM

I just finished my laundry.

Andy should be slamming in soon, and at around 6:30 I’ll be going food shopping with Dennis.

The other day, I looked through the paper for what was available in the cat ads. All the ones that were too good to be true were gone. Some were neutered and spayed and even declaWednesday Had their shots, too. Those kinds of cats are gone the second the ad for them comes out.

4:55 PM

I am now sitting at my kitchen table, which is much more comfortable.

I have my lace skirt hanging over one of my chairs. I didn’t want it to shrink. I wore that and my black tights and a tight black camisole with my denim lace jacket, which I got in Norwich when my pictures were taken. I’m sure curious to see how they came out this Saturday afternoon. I’ll be choosing from about 6 pictures. I hope at least one comes out well, since I’m not keeping it and it’s going to Tammy. It’s one thing to keep a so-so or bad picture of yourself. It’s another when you’re gonna give it away to a family member or a friend. Before I mail it to Tammy, I’ll show it to Andy and maybe Tara. When I get the pictures back from Tammy that are going to Kim, I may show them to Tara first.

Tara and Tonya aren’t sure if they’re gonna buy a HUD house or not. They heard they’re usually in pretty bad shape. I can believe that, but I also heard the waiting list for that is years and years. Plus, they’re not a top priority. A family, homeless people, or handicapped people would be considered first. I don’t think the two of them combined are low-income. Maybe average.

Dennis and Bea are the second and third friends I’ve ever had who are not low-income. The first was Kim.

9 PM

I’m watching TV now.

Earlier, Dennis, Bea, and I went to the grocery store.

My ATM card was canceled cuz it was only a temporary card. Now I must go get a new one.

Fran called, and we spoke for about 20 minutes.

I’m doing Andy’s laundry, which I’ll get out of the dryer soon.

12/4/1992 Friday 6:30 PM

I got up at 1 PM today and there was no mail. Everything’s late cuz of the holidays.

Dennis and Bea gave me a $5 gift card.

As I was returning to my place, a girl was calling out my name. I thought to myself, who is she? Well, she had a big and gorgeous plant with her, which I surely wasn’t expecting. Perfect timing, too, as she almost missed me. I figured it was from someone around here, but the card said, “Happy Birthday — Love, Mommy & Daddy.” That sure was nice, and the plant’s beautiful. There’s a beautiful ribbon on it, too. It’s an indoor plant that doesn’t need a lot of light, and it’s supposed to purify the air.

Tammy called, and I also spoke to Lisa, Becky, and Bill. They said tomorrow I should get their check, letters, and my pictures. She said to buy whatever I wanted but make sure I tell them in a letter what I buy.

It’s been raining today like crazy for the first time in nearly two months. It took Andy an hour and a half to get home. Due to the flooding and lots of car accidents, he’s called off the cake and ice cream till tomorrow. It’s not safe for Diane and Velma to be out driving in this rain.

Earlier, Dennis and I were in the pool and the Jacuzzi. The pool was so warm, and you could see the steam coming up from the Jacuzzi and the pool due to all the moisture in the air.

Andy will be over soon, and I’ll tell him to call my parents collect, and he can now give them my number.

Tara may be over here later, but I’m not sure. Kara called me, too.

12/5/1992 Saturday 12:41 AM

Well, I sure do have lots more to write about since the last time I wrote. I’ll go in order of events.

Andy came over with my present in a really pretty bag that says Happy Birthday. I’ll write all the stuff he wrote on the card, but first, he got me two very pretty journals.

He also gave me tons of no-postage-necessary cards for several different magazines and information for a variety of different things. I sent stuff to Fran, Nervous, Bob, Bobbie, Russell, Jim, Debbie, Barbara, Mattie, and Mark.

I decided the timing was right. I had Andy call my parents with me on the other line, pretending not to be there, to tell them I just got a phone (sooner than expected). He gave Dad my number.

Dad answered, and when he picked up, he said, “Happy birthday!”

I heard Andy giggle. I laughed too, and of course, I had my mute on.

Dad called me right back, and I thanked them both for the plant. I also told them how much I loved one of the bracelets they sent, as well as other stuff in the package.

I told them what Andy got me and about my card and $5 from Dennis and Bea, my call from Tammy, and my package from Kim.

Then Ma said they couldn’t get me my b-day gift, as they were both sick. Then she said, “Do I tell her, Art?”

Dad said, “Well, we didn’t want to tell you, but we can’t leave here. We’ve been quarantined.”

I asked what they meant, and Ma said, “The health officials won’t let us leave cuz we have herpes. Therefore, we were never able to get you your present.”

I burst out laughing as I realized what they were talking about.

Then Ma said she wanted to get the phone rules straight (of course). She said she’d never accept any collect calls anymore, as they’re too expensive (she’s oh so poor). They’ll call me, but she doesn’t want to pay to talk to a machine. I told them my machine broke, so the phone company gave me one. She asked, “You ordered voice messaging?” I burst out laughing, and she said I could talk to Dad now. I told Dad that if my phone rang 4 times, hang up. Also, I’m constantly in and out of here, so I can’t guarantee I’ll answer when they call. I’m no longer a caged animal like I used to be.

10:53 PM

Before I get into what happened last night, I’ll first cover today’s events. Well, I still haven’t gotten Tammy’s check, as the mail’s running so much later due to the holidays.

Andy and I will be going to the swap meet tomorrow. He’ll buy what I want, and I’ll pay him back. I wish I knew what the amount of the check is. My guess is $25.

I picked up my picture today along with Mary, who was on her way to pick hers up at the same time. It came out so-so, but it sure could’ve come out better. I just don’t take so well to the camera.

Believe it or not, Jeff woke me up. Half the time I’ll always be woken up, no matter what, so it seems. This is understandable, though, cuz he was moving. He gave me more hangers, a plant, and this really nice, pretty, huge wicker basket with silk flowers and leaves in it.

I did some rearranging in here, but I sure do wish that I could still afford a 1-bedroom.

Dennis is fixing one of my speakers today, and tomorrow he’ll do the other one.

While I was at his place, I looked at the cat ads. There was only one possibility, but it was gone. He’s gonna leave tomorrow’s paper by my door in the morning, as he’ll be awake earlier than I’ll be.

I’ll leave him two rolls of paper towels with two funny notes on them.

Andy, who was here earlier, forgot his. He forgets everything.

He and Velma were over for a while. Andy made himself and me pork chops. Velma cut his hair and gave me a b-day card and a pretty purple hairbrush.

Andy and Velma were supposed to go back to his place to make a cake, but I guess he fell asleep. He hasn’t called, and I haven’t heard him over there.

While he was here, he gave me 6 pictures of Fay. So 3 will go to Nervous, and 3 will go to Fran.

I wonder what Randy’s been up to. I haven’t heard from him.

12/6/1992 Sunday 12:17 AM

Well, I’m not ready to fall asleep yet, and I probably won’t be till around 4:00, so why not write?

Before I forget, that guy Bill whom I met with Randy at the grocery store never called last Monday. I last talked to him on November 27th. He gave me the typical “I lost your number” line. He said something about going to L.A. for the weekend, but he’d call when he returned on Monday. He also gave me the number of some girl, Kathy, to call. She also hasn’t returned my call, so forget it. That tells me how serious they really are.

Andy did fall asleep, but I went over there anyway. Velma was watching TV, and finally Andy got up and frosted the cake, put candles on it, and they sang Happy Birthday.

Andy said to make a wish, but my 3 wishes are not grantable…being a singer, meeting a feminine gay woman, being able to quit smoking.

All else I’m happy with, so I didn’t make a wish.

Then I thought of two other wishes, but they’re also not grantable…becoming madly attracted to butches, and being able to have a career I hate or that bores me.

While I was there, I heard glass smashing in the parking lot. I checked Velma’s and Andy’s car, but they were fine. Then I realized I didn’t want to be seen in case someone did something bad and be connected to it. Stacey will try to pin whatever happened on me.

Tomorrow night I’ll probably do some letter writing. Maybe editing, too.

Tammy still never mentioned speaking with Sheila. At this point, however, I don’t really give a shit. I’ve got permission to be here. Period. And I’m not a murderer.

I’d never ever date a cop, even if she were drop-dead gorgeous. Some of them are good, like Mark and others I met. Others think they’re God, above the law, and can do anything. Well, not in my book.

12/10/1992 Thursday 5:45 PM

I sure do have lots to write about, so I’ll get on with it now. Bob called last night, and we spoke for 4 hours. He moved but is still in Turners Falls.

Fran also called, but not for long. He got beeped by an important call, so he said. Andy and I really wanted to talk to him, too.

I sent letters off to Bob, Fran, and Kim. Rather than send Kim those pictures, I’ll send her the negatives. Nervous oughta be sending back the few pictures I sent him. When and if he does, I’ll send them to Bob, who says he’s still gonna come out here with or without Christina.

I finally got Tammy’s letter last Tuesday. I had to pay 64 cents postage, but that’s OK. She never even used the negatives to copy pictures. She just helped herself to a few of the originals.

My guess on the amount of the check was right. It was $25. I’ve cashed it already cuz I’ve had to go to the bank for a new ATM card.

Stacey at the office made an agreement with me not to cash my check in till the 3rd of each month. Well, they goofed and cashed it in on the 1st, but they made up for it without giving me any shit. I rewrote a check for $15 less, as that’s the bounce fee. From now on, I won’t be giving them my check till the 3rd.

Speaking of SSI and SS, the yearly raise has gone through. SSI was $16 and SS was $426. Now SSI is $15 and SS is $439. SSI will be taking $10 of the $15 SSI check cuz of that bullshit overpayment. So, I should be getting $454, but I’ll only get $444.

Still not enough for a 1-bedroom.

My niece still has not written to me, but oh well.

Andy gave me tons of no-postage-necessary cards. Also, tons of letters. One card he got from Jayke, plus two letters from her. Also, a postcard from Jayke and his sister Linda from Paris. He’d been saving these up, and he gave me them to send to Nervous, which I will. I’ll also send Nervous my sister’s letter, the card from Mom and Dad that came with the plant they sent, cards from Andy, Velma, Tara, Dennis, and other stuff.

Randy had been really sick with the flu, but I saw him a few days after my b-day. I’d given him $5 to pick up 2–3 packs of smokes for me, as he had to go to the store. He ended up buying me a carton.

I’m really tired and very hungry, so I’ll have to continue writing later.

10:28 PM

Hunter’s coming on now, but I’ll write little by little on commercials.

I went to call Dennis yesterday just to say hi. His brother’s wife, Susie, answered, and she told me Bea had died. At the same time they’re grieving, they say it’s a blessing. She was really miserable and out of it. I can understand this, but the shocking thing is how fast she died. Less than 24 hours before she died, she was her usual self. I was over there for dinner, and she was functioning, despite the fact that she was out of it and wasn’t aware of what she was saying or doing.

Bea’s death got me thinking about my dad. She died so fast, and I was just talking to her the other day. My dad could call me one day, being his usual self. The next day, Mom could call, saying he died of a sudden heart attack or something.

11:40 PM

In 20 minutes, In the Heat of the Night comes on, so I’ll write for now.

Andy gave me a full-size picture of Gloria, which is on the cover of her Greatest Hits CD. Her hair looked pitiful, but her dress, shoes, and net stockings were nice. I put her picture in my photo album along with my pictures that Tammy sent back.

Tara was over a few nights ago. She picked out songs for me to tape for her. She’s gonna leave me her own blank tape one of these years. Tara’s not a flaky, forgetful airhead, so this goes to show how busy she is. She hasn’t even got the time to run a tape over here. I told her to leave it outside my door if she calls me and gets no answer.

Although the drawing of Tammy, Bill, and the girls came out sort of shitty, it’s nice to know it’s finally done.

I need to write 4 letters at this time to Nervous, Mom and Dad, Tammy, Lisa and Becky. I also need to finish coloring my poster, which is almost done.

Bob left me a message earlier while I was watching Hunter. He’ll call back.

I guess someone will soon be moving in down below me. I hope not, but no one has moved in next to Andy yet. When whoever moves in, I just hope they’re quiet and never home. I hope it’s one person who never has company and no kids! I fucking hate kids nowadays and can’t stand to be around them. Why, oh why, did I ever want a kid for half a second?

12/11/1992 Friday 12:47 AM

My show’s almost over, so I’ll be up writing for a while. I hope, though, that tomorrow I don’t sleep too late. It’s gonna be 72°, so I want to lie out by the pool. I was in it today, and it was like bath water, and it was beautiful. Chilly, though, when I got out. It was 70° today, or now yesterday, actually. Today, 72°, then 55° for the next two days, and 53° for the next two days after that. That’s a pretty quick and drastic change.

1:05 AM

Now I’ve got a few things to say about Kara. A few nights ago, she was over and we listened to tapes of convos and edits. We laughed our asses off and had a great time. Andy called at one point and the 3 of us spoke for a while. That was cool, but that’s as far as I can have them go. Andy’s friends are his friends and mine are mine. I don’t want him and Kara to talk on the phone or get together without me present. Even though Andy’s gotten better at not coming between my friends and me when he’s mad at me, or someone or something else, and Kara has more of a spine than lots of others I’ve known, it’s still too risky. There are two reasons why it’s a little risky. One is cuz I notice that sometimes the more I’m against something, the more Andy’s driven to push it on me. Not always, but sometimes, and it also depends on the situation. The second reason is cuz sometimes Andy’s extremely good at persuading people to his side and pitting them against me. He does know he’s been wrong about doing this to me in the past, and Kara certainly has way more of a mind of her own than Brenda did and others I’ve known. Kara knows better, but here’s an example of Brenda and the many others like her I’ve known. Brenda and I are alone. I say to her, “Andy walks too hard and it’s annoying and unnecessary.” Brenda says to me, “You’re right. I agree and it’d annoy me too.” Now Brenda and I are with Andy and I say the same thing I said to her alone. But now Brenda says, “He’s a guy, so give him a break. Different people walk differently.” Kara’s much better than that.

5:40 PM

Before the phone rings again, let me finish with what I have to say about Kara. I tried to decide whether or not I should settle. Well, let’s just say there’s no way I can settle for anything and everything. I also don’t intend to be doing this all the time. I couldn’t anyway unless I went to bars and went after butches only. I finally realized what I’ve been realizing for a very long time now. The ultimate attraction isn’t meant to be; otherwise, God would send it. I’m 200% sure I’ll never lust with a woman who’s not only feminine but whom I am very attracted to. So now I’m gonna go “in between.” I’m not gonna stay celibate all my life, and I’m not gonna settle for a man or an ugly woman. While Kara’s ugly, at the same time she isn’t. I like her personality, and we share a lot of the same opinions and beliefs. I’ve gotten to know her, and she’s very understanding of my situation and wouldn’t lose patience due to my not being used to being with a lover. She can go slowly and gently. We haven’t had sex yet, but she knows how I feel. I spoke with her, and I was honest with her. I told her everything I just wrote down. But instead of “You’re ugly, but you’re not,” I said, “You’re not my main preference, but you’re not a settlement either.” So it’s her call now. I’ll let her make the move if she wants sex that bad. I’ll only initiate so much; then it’s the other person’s turn. I’m sure it will be a little scary, awkward, and disappointing, but it gets a little easier to accept settling within reason. On the phone, when we spoke, she told me she was flattered. I didn’t expect anything different, especially when God always sets it up to be one-sided. I just wish God would let someone I’m attracted to break down and say, “OK, I’m not attracted to you, Jodi. You’re not what I want, but all who’s available at the moment, so let’s just go for it till I can find a butch or whatever I want.” If having lust were meant to be in my life, then maybe this would happen more often, but all I know is that if it doesn’t turn me on, I can probably have it.

Kara may soon be calling.

Andy will be making us hamburgers later.

I chatted with Mary, and while on my way back from the mailbox, I got a Chanukah card from Fran. What a surprise, huh? The last time Andy and I were speaking with Fran, he asked the funniest question. Fran asked, what is the difference between Hanukkah and Chanukah?

12/12/1992 Saturday 1:15 AM

Kara was over earlier and we had a nice chat and some laughs. Before she came over, there was a pledge drive on channel 8. Andy and I called one of the phone operators, and you could see him on TV answering the phone. When he asked if he could have my pledge, I said, “No, I need my pledge to dust my furniture.” I told him we didn’t have any money and that we were among the very few poor Jews. The guy said how much the station needed money, and I said, “I need money too, so who’s gonna pledge and raise money for me?”

This reminded me of the Jerry Lewis telethon in 1989 when Andy and I lived in Springfield. I’d call operator 23, if I could see her or him, then say I was operator 18 and ask if she could see me waving. I could then see the operator looking all around. Then the host of the telethon would eventually come on saying, “There has been phone trouble and New England Telephone is checking into it.”

2:30 AM

I hope the food stamps go up soon, but either way, they never give you enough.

Earlier, Andy made us burgers, which was nice. I’ll still need to go out and spend cash on food before the 15th.

I left a note on Dennis’s door the day after Bea died. I said I was sorry, but for him to call if he needed anything. I also wrote that I wouldn’t call or go over there till he got hold of me. I have not yet heard from him, and I hope he’s doing OK.

Now I’m gonna go back to the night of my birthday. Denny’s gives a free dinner and dessert on your birthday. That’s nice, but here’s the part that’s extremely bad business. You must eat there, and you can’t take your food home. A person should be able to order anything they want on their b-day as well as take their food home. We were gonna go to 2–3 Denny’s, order me dinner, have two bites of it, then take it home. The first Denny’s made me eat my dessert there, but they let me take my food to go. The second Denny’s wouldn’t let me take my food home. It was a stupid policy, and I was in a rowdy mood as it was.

Our waitress was no less than 6'4", and she and the manager wouldn’t budge on the issue. Andy went up front to grab a handful of napkins so I could wrap my food, but he let her take them away. Then I got mad. I ran up to her and screamed in her face that people do use napkins, and I grabbed them out of her hand. The girl looked absolutely terrified. She was scared shitless, and her eyes looked as if they were gonna pop right out of her head. Then I went and sat down and began eating my cake.

The manager came up to collect my dinner and salad. I yelled that I was still eating my cake, and she said, “OK, OK,” then ran from the table. When I finished half of my cake, I took mustard and poured it all over the rest of it. Then I jammed the bottle into it. As we were leaving, the manager went to check it out and said, “Oh, thank you very much. Have a happy birthday.”

I called out, “Thank you, I will.” Andy and I were cracking up about this all night.

12/13/1992 Sunday 12:50 AM

I got two hilarious cards from my parents today and $120! My bills are all paid, so I’m just gonna go shopping and have fun. It’ll be quite a while before I get the chance to again. I don’t need any journals now, so I’ll buy two books of stamps, some clothes, and maybe some of Linda’s old stuff on CDs. I should do this while I’ve got the chance.

Got some really cool cards from my parents. They were funny.

12/14/1992 Monday 3:10 PM

I feel miserable today. I am very congested, and I even took a decongestant, and I’m waiting for the doctor to call. My chest and back muscles are tight and lumpy. It feels horrible.

Greg’s gonna be back any minute to fix my water tank. In the shower, I only have hot water for 5 minutes. If I shave, I only have time to shave one leg before the water turns cold. If I wash my hair and then want to shave, I can’t cuz the water’s gone cold.

I still do have shit to write about, but I will do so some other time. I’m also pretty tired. I only slept a few hours.

12/18/1992 Friday 2:06 AM

I’ve been slacking off on my writing, and I do have a lot to write about. However, I can’t get in the mood right now. Most of what’s been going on isn’t too good, I’m sorry to say. Maybe tomorrow, after the tenth time maintenance wakes me up from downstairs, I’ll write. Never have I been happier about the weekend being right around the corner. Perhaps then I can get up when I want to.

12/19/1992 Saturday 4 AM

I have a million things to write about. I may as well get on with it now. The longer I put it off, the more I’ll have to update. The little things, I may forget. Out of all I have to write about, there’s only one horrible thing. Well, two actually.

Last Tuesday, I awoke to maintenance slamming the door below me. This was the only time it was a big favor, as I was wheezing very badly. I figured, “OK — I’m in Arizona. I’ll be fine after I’ve taken my meds and had coffee.” But no fucking way. I knew this attack was too much for me to fight. From the time I called 911 till the ambulance came, I thought I was gonna die. It was horrible and scary as all hell. They gave me an updraft and brought me to St. Joe’s, which was 20 minutes away. I never realized it was that far.

I was so mad, upset and frustrated. I had gone all this time since I was taken into Natchaug.

The previous night at 3 AM, Rachel had the ambulance here. She probably had an anxiety attack. I thought to myself, “This may be cruel, but thank God they’re not here for me.” Nine hours later, I was made to eat my words. I was really bummed out, but like the nurses and doctors said, this is a very bad time for all the asthmatics. The nurse said that there’s no place where I’d never have any problems. I told her I was in the ER 2–3 or more times a month back east. She said she could see it being worse there, but here it’ll only be around this time of year. I sure do hope so, and I actually do miss the summer.

Of all the times to need a ride, I couldn’t reach anyone. Andy was off, but he was out having work done on his car. Dennis wasn’t home; Tara was on her way to work, and Tonya wasn’t home. Finally, after 5 hours, I got hold of Andy.

While I was there, I was chatting with a beautiful girl named Pam. I gave her my phone number, but I know she’ll never call. Jennifer will never call either, but I’ll get to her later.

12/20/1992 Sunday midnight

Now I will finish my update on all that has been going on. Remember how I said I sent $23.95 to The Bedazzeler? Well, my check’s been lost in the mail somehow. That was this kit with colored stones that you staple onto your clothes. Tammy made a good suggestion, though. She said to look for it in an art store where I may save $5 or so.

Good God, I’m fucking freezing! Two seconds after the heat turns off, it’s so chilly in here. The day Gordy fixed my hot water tank, he put foam insulation around my doorframe. Look how much it helps.

I’ve written several letters, but I still have more to go. Last night I did some more editing. They were good, too. They were of Nervous. I’ve got many other people and many other tapes to edit, but I must go in order so I don’t get confused and get everything all mixed up.

I was pissed at Andy for erasing the 6 messages with edits I left him. He said he doesn’t have time in the morning to hear 20 minutes’ worth of stuff. No shit, but why didn’t he save it?

I’ve been erasing certain messages he’s left, but for entirely different reasons. He sings on my machine, which is fine once in a while, but when it’s constant, I get sick of it. It’s boring and he’s got to come up with something new and original, or just talk. The edits are always different. I never leave him the same edits over and over. His singing’s always the same and it’s the same Stevie stuff, stuff I don’t like, or stuff I don’t know.

I’m not too surprised that Steve never returned my letter or called. I am a little surprised that Cassandra has never called or written.

I’ve seen Dennis a few times since Bea died. He’s holding up OK. He’s not sure if he’s gonna stay in Phoenix or move elsewhere.

I haven’t written yet about Dec. 6th. I looked in the Sunday paper and there was the perfect ad. It said: indoor, all-black, neutered & declawed cat — free to good home. Shots, papers, litter box trained, 4½ years old.

Dennis and I went to this gorgeous girl’s house to get the cat. He was gorgeous — all black with medium-length hair. Now here’s the sad part. He turned out to be just like that little kitten I had to dump. He’d sleep all day, be all lovey-dovey through the evening, then scream from midnight till dawn. It drove me crazy and kept me up when I would’ve been able to sleep. Luckily, I was able to call this girl (Julie), and she came to take the cat back. I figured three strikes, I’m out, and a cat isn’t meant to be right now. Moon Shadow was stolen, the kitten screamed all night, and this cat did too. I can’t have an indoor or outdoor cat. The outdoor one will be stolen, and the indoor one will scream.

12:30 AM

I just took a little break to make 3 scrambled eggs. Yum-yum and great for the cholesterol. But I’ve never had a problem with that so far. I’m cursed with other stuff.

Well, I know the security guard’s patrolling around, as I just heard the walkie-talkie. I wish Dave were still here, but he’s been promoted. Weird too, as he was definitely drinking on the job.

I sure don’t miss Ellie. Despite the few good and funny talks and laughs we had, she sure was a backstabbing, delusional wimp and a psycho. She always has 10 emotional and 10 physical problems a day, like Bob, but at least Bob’s no back-stabber. Bob also isn’t sweet, friendly and giggling one minute, then furious the next over something petty or something untrue. She, Robert, Mark, Donna, Rosemarie and Rick can all go fuck themselves.

So far, Stacey’s stayed off my back since she pulled her bullshit on me. But there’s been more anxiety and anger hanging around than I thought there’d be. Every day I drool over the thought of running into that office and mauling the shit out of her. Every day I must restrain myself from doing so. At first, I decided I would whenever I moved if she were still here. But I can’t, cuz she can always find out where I moved to and haul my ass into court. Bummer, huh? But an asshole like this is bound to be fired or resign, hopefully upon realizing just how many people she’s pissed off.

I was thinking of having Kara do me a little favor. Stacey’s never heard Kara’s voice, so maybe she can call and say, “I just spoke to your boss. My husband and I are tired of your harassment, so pack up your desk cuz you’re about to be out of a job.” She’ll be worried and confused, trying to figure out who the hell it could be.

At least I’ve never had problems with Judy or Paula.

The asthma attack was the worst news. Now I’ll get to the one other thing that wasn’t funny at all. I had gone into the hospital at 12:30 PM and came home around 6 PM. Even though I was beat and a major attack like that will wipe you out, I couldn’t sleep due to all the meds they gave me. Theodur and all the other stuff really wind you up. I couldn’t fall asleep till 4 AM, but I figured that was fine cuz I had no place I had to be the next day. I have had a feeling for some time now that I’m just not meant to sleep half the time when I want to and get up when I want. I said, “God, if you care about me at all, please let me get the sleep I so desperately need.”

Sure enough, at 10:30 AM, Everett knocked on my door. I said, “This better be good,” and I explained to him what happened the previous day. He said there may be a leak in my toilet or an overflow in the bathtub. I insisted there was no leak and that my bathroom floor was dry. He left, and every 15 minutes till 2 PM, they were banging the fuck out of the bathroom ceiling below me. At 12:30 PM, Mike came up, saying the wax ring had broken and I couldn’t see the leak as it was between my floor and the downstairs ceiling. He said he’d be back at 2 PM, and before he explained all this, I went off on him. I said I didn’t want those guys here unless I filled out a work order.

The attack happened on the 15th. This happened on the 16th. At 2 PM, the knock on the door came that I so unfortunately expected. Guess who Mike and Everett had escorting them? None other than sweet little Stacey. When I opened the door, they were standing halfway down the stairs just like Ellie was. If I’d been more with it, I’d have fallen to the floor laughing. Stacey just said, “Hi, Jodi.”

I told them all what had happened to me. Stacey left, the guys did their thing, then left me the fuck alone. Leave it to God to leave it to me to have this happen on a day when I feel the absolute shittiest.

The next night I also fell asleep at 4 AM, fearing I’d be woken up at 8 AM and get sick or feel like shit. They didn’t wake me up till 1 PM when they slammed or banged something. At least they let me sleep 9 hours, even though I woke up here and there in between, but I always do anyway. Friday, Saturday, and today, nothing woke me up. Maybe I’ll sleep OK this week, then with my luck it’ll be one thing after another the next week, and it’ll just go back and forth like that.

Why do I have a feeling that they’re making up some of these problems? I feel that after they’ve taken care of legit stuff, they’ll be down there anyway, per orders from Stacey when they’re not busy with legit stuff. This is perfect for her to use against me, with nothing I can do about it. She knows my schedule and a lot of my moves, remember? Even though Kara and I combed these vents and found nothing, people are weird. I wouldn’t be surprised if she set something up without my knowledge, as technology’s amazing and a little frightening these days. If they have the money, means, manpower, and curiosity, you never know just how far people will go.

There was once a time when Gordy knocked 4 times. I never answered cuz I didn’t know who the hell it was and he woke me up and I was bushed. Then 15 minutes later he knocked again and yelled, “Hey, Jodi, are you in there? It’s Gordy.” It was all as if he were so sure I was in there. How’d he know? They’ve seen me up and about at all different hours and leaving the property. How’d he know I wasn’t out?

2:10 AM

I just stopped to make coffee, and Andy called a half-hour ago to say good night.

There were 3 Christmas cards on top of the mailboxes with no apartment number on them. One day Andy took two and the next day I took one. They were addressed to some guy. Two were from Houston and one was from Phoenix. I’m sending them to Nervous. I don’t understand why Pete left them on top of the mailbox just cuz there was no apartment number. I’ve gotten mail with no apartment number put in my box.

I also got returned to me a letter I sent Nerv, saying there was 10¢ postage due cuz of irregular size. Irregular size my ass. I’ve sent thicker envelopes before. The other five made it to him OK, I guess. There was a total of six, believe it or not. There were tons of cards and letters and I could only put 2–3 in each envelope.

I’ve decided what I’m gonna do if my pictures don’t come when my guitar comes. This will hurt for a while, but I’m gonna ditch certain pictures. I really do believe now that my mom trashed them. That really pisses me off, but maybe it can become a favor for me in a weird way I won’t get into now.

12/21/1992 Monday 1:45 AM

An hour ago, I began to feel tired, but as usual, I lay down only to wake up.

I wonder what maintenance will decide to do downstairs tomorrow.

I’m fucked at the end of this month. Andy’s sister Marla is coming in for 4 days, which is fine. The bad catch to it is that her 4-year-old son has to come along too, unfortunately. I’m gonna tell Andy he has a right to his own company, but it better not interfere with my peace. His guests are for his ears only.

Kara would let me stay with her, but I can’t. How can I sleep with a baby there, let alone 3 adults?

I also made a rule that anyone who wakes me up is gonna get woken up in return. No matter what schedule they’re on or I’m on. I’ve got a right to my schedule as they do to theirs.

Unless I get a package, I hope and pray I sleep OK this week.

Kara’s been over several times a week. Our friendship’s really grown and is a very good one. She’s heard lots of tapes of edits and convos and they really crack her up. She’s so much like Andy and me, and I really need that. More so now as Andy’s on a day schedule always and works full-time.

I’ve edited Kara a little and Andy did a very funny favor for her the other day. He called Brian, a guy she slept with a few times, but turned out to be a flaky, undependable drunk. He hit on Brian, who went off big time with another male and a female friend. Before he did this, I left some edits for him. Kara and I didn’t know the girl’s name, and with all the names to guess, I said Rachel, which turned out to really be her name.

Kara met Tonya earlier. I called Tonya for some cigarettes when I woke up. I went over to get them and we chatted for a while. Then I gave her money to pick me up two packs of smokes on her way back from the gym. Tonya also came over here today as I wanted to show her this killer outfit I got at the mall. I also wanted to show her the new chair I got, my plant that Mom and Dad sent, and that wicker jug of silk flowers Jeff gave me. I also showed her my pictures that Tammy sent me back and basically my place, which has come a long way since I’ve been here.

I’d still kill for a 1-bedroom. I need the extra space (especially closet space).

I got that black lace skirt I wanted for some time now. It’s got a solid black silk lining inside, then lace on the outside. I like this so I don’t have to wear my black tights under it as I did with my all-lace skirt. I also bought an awesome camisole, which is pink and black.

I got a full-length mirror and a chair that’s not a regular chair from the thrift shop. It’s a round saucer-like thing on a wicker stand. There’s a soft round cushion on it and you can even pull it off to lie on the floor or whatever. It was priced at $40, but I talked the guy down to $20. Andy once again said that if he needs to buy anything expensive, he’s sending me in there.

I also donated all my 45s and albums. I'd better tape backup copies in case the originals get eaten up.

I’m not sure if I mentioned the glitter glue I got at the grocery store. I thought it was a glitter pen and it said, “glitter pen.”

My parents called a few days ago and I told them how much I loved their cards. We talked about stuff in general, but I did not tell them about my attack. I told Tammy, who called a few days after they did. Tammy and everyone else in the family have been very busy. She said they’re putting together a Chanukah package for me. That’s unexpected but nice. She also said she got a kick out of my joke in one of my letters. This is the joke: Q: What do lesbians on a diet eat? A: Jenny Craig. She asked me what Mom and Dad said when I told them I got a phone. I wonder why she asked me that, but I didn’t think to ask her. She liked the picture I sent her.

I wonder if Mom and Dad got the package I sent them of the geeky grandma clothes they sent down to my other apartment. They never mentioned it and I forgot to ask. There’s always so much to tell and ask that it’s hard to keep track of everything. I do usually write notes, which I refer to when I write their letters.

Tonya and Tara are going home to Canyon City, Colorado for Christmas and she said she may need me to feed her two birds. It’d be nice if they were gone while Andy’s sister and nephew are here so I could stay there.

I polished my nails blue last night. My parents’ favorite! Kara saw it and she really liked it, so I did hers too.

I wonder just what’s taking Nervous so long to send me back my pictures? I’ve always been able to trust him around my stuff. With money and anything. There’s only one thing I’m pretty sure he stole, and that’s a pair of black bikini underwear. Brenda, I think, also stole two pairs and one of them she’d always say she liked. Luckily, that’s all she stole.

3:06 AM

I wish to hell it were summer again. I miss the outdoors, the pool, and living on my patio. It feels like I’m back in MA during the night and early morning. They did say it’s “amazingly cool,” so that’s cool. It’s normally not this chilly, but I’m shocked just like Andy was his first winter here. Right after the heat turns off, it’s chilly in here. Like my dad said, where he is it’s the warmest in the nation. The good thing about it is that it won’t be long before it warms up again. Winter will be about 4 months rather than 8–9.

I just hope I can tan somehow and not get sun poisoning. If I always have to wear sunscreen, I’ll be forever cursed with being white. You can’t tan with sunscreen. Another reason why I want summer to hurry up and return is due to the fact that my asthma should be much better. Since mid-October, it’s been bad for all asthmatics.

I can’t wait till my family can come see me. Dad said maybe in the summer. I told him he’d have to stay in a hotel. He agreed, as they’ll have the dogs. I figured they’d drive out rather than fly. I wonder how Tammy, Bill and the girls will get out of here? I guess they’ll fly. I figure they can’t take the added days to drive. Unless Tammy and Bill want to experience it for themselves, and especially the girls. This way, they can all see more states besides Arizona.

4:06 AM

Well, I’m still wide awake, naturally. If I fall asleep around 6:00, believe it or not, I hope something does wake me up at 11:00 or so. I’d just have to stay up and hope I don’t feel shitty. If I can back up my schedule a few hours each day, that’d be nice. I’d kind of like to be waking up early for a while so I can do more during the day. Maintenance or some other source will wake me up. Probably the lawnmowers. It’d be nice to get woken up by UPS at 11:00, but they usually don’t come that early. I’m not expecting any packages so soon, anyway.

Well, it’s going to be 62º today. The days are usually like beautiful spring days.

The day maintenance was here, which was the day after my attack, I gave a few donations to the child protective services and the food bank. All the maintenance guys, the housekeeper, Judy, Paula and Stacey were out collecting stuff. I felt it fair to do my share for two reasons. One was cuz my childhood was no bowl of cherries; two is cuz that food bank helped me while the food stamp people were busy taking me for a ride at first. I gave some extra drawing markers and some baked beans, which I don’t really like.

Before doing so, I heard movement outside my door, and when I went out to check, there was a candy cane on my doorknob. Then I saw Everett and the housekeeper (whose name I don’t know) passing by with a shopping cart. Everett said he thought I was still asleep. I said I wish.

I should go wash my face, which is severely broken out now. I mean major zits.

I’ve done a lot of editing and have given Andy back one of his 100-minute tapes. I have half of one side of the second 100-minute tape to do. I also have his “best of calls” tape I promised long ago I’d edit. Lastly, I have several of my own to finally get edited.

Then I have two posters to color, letters to write, and 4 40-page stories to write. I’ll be busy with all this for quite a while, but it’s better than not having anything to do. Still, I need more than journal writing and letter writing.

Oh yeah. I just remembered another long-put-off and forgotten project: a new Gloria medley, now that I’ve got all her stuff on CDs. I still don’t have her Greatest Hits yet, but I will. I wish I had Linda’s latest and all the songbooks ever put out by Linda and Gloria and all their tour books that were ever made.

I want my fucking pictures back. Why would my mom ditch them? What purpose is there for that? Cuz she thought having them was childish or something? Well, that should be for me to decide and not her. They were my pictures.

12/25/1992 Friday 2 AM

The last few days were not too cool, especially the first four days of the week, but they’re better today.

I had my second fight with Andy since I got here. He told me that for four days at the end of January, his sister and nephew are gonna be here. I called and said on his machine that I was gonna try to find a place to stay. I don’t really feel like staying here and listening to a 4-year-old kid bounce off the walls whether I’m awake or not. That part was OK for me to say, but then I’ll admit my anxieties took me a little too far. I told him that if I went through four days of hell, I’d get him back for it. In my mind, getting back meant slamming my doors and banging shit all over. He called me, and naturally, he was all pissed and freaking out with paranoia and demanded his key back. He said, “Either get evicted or give me my key back.” I laughed, reminding him he can’t just run to the office, say he’s pissed at me, and demand I be evicted. The key thing was amusing too, as he’s known me long enough and he knows well enough to know I’d never fuck up his place. With the exception of Ellie, who was never my best friend and who did a severely raunchy thing, I have to be seriously provoked to do something that drastic. Or one would have to swing at me first or go after my stuff. He knows this very well, but it was something to do and to try to piss me off, but I knew where he was coming from. So he said banging and slamming things wouldn’t accomplish anything, and he can’t help the way his nephew is.

So I figured, OK, he’s right about that part. We all say stuff we shouldn’t or didn’t really mean. I went too far; let him call me when he’s ready. So the next day I finished editing the second 100-minute tape of his. I left a message saying I was gonna leave his unfucked-up tape outside his door, and I did. I returned his key the previous day.

I figured he would never call for me to do his laundry. If he did, I’d have let him know how much of a nerve he’s got. If he can’t trust me in his apartment, how can he trust me with his laundry? He did do his own laundry, then the final straw, the last bit of shit to hit the fan, was the next day, which would be yesterday. I stayed up till noon so I could sleep later. I needed to sleep until 8 PM at least. Sure enough, though, at 5 PM, he was slamming the fuck away in his bathroom. That was it. I was ripped, shitting pissed. My heart was beating so hard and so fast. I was so damn exhausted and felt like total shit.

I left him a message, as he’d not dare ever leave his ringer on. I told him I started the first little dispute, but this one he instigated. I don’t know what the fuck set him off, I said, but as long as he was going to play this game, I’d play right along.

Kara came over, and I was telling her all about it. Then I slammed my doors for quite a while. After he’d gone to sleep, I was gonna slam my doors, but I figured he’d have a hard enough time sleeping because of the anxiety of wondering if I was gonna slam doors. I stopped the door slamming around 10:00 and figured that was maybe enough to scare the message into him.

I then called to leave another message. I told him I cannot physically handle the stress anymore, and I need to sleep. If he lays off of me, I’ll lay off of him.

So earlier (Christmas Eve), we spoke. I asked if he remembered our agreement, which was that neither of us would wake the other up if we got into a fight. He also told me slamming doors wouldn’t accomplish anything, so why does it accomplish anything for him? Especially after two days—you’d think the steam would be cooling off. I apologized for some things I said, but let him know that what he did wouldn’t cut it, as I have a major sleeping disorder. I’m hyper and my meds make it worse. It accelerates my heart, making me a light sleeper, along with being scarred from the projects. I used to be able to function occasionally on a few hours of sleep, but I just can’t do that anymore without feeling shitty. I told him, though, that now knowing how the building is, I would always be a day person if I had my way. Thank fucking God the building’s not like the NHA.

Andy was telling me how everywhere I’ve gone, there’s been a problem. True, but that’s life. Every living place and job has its good and bad—some more good, some more bad, some all good, some all bad. I’m also beginning to suspect that God may’ve put a curse on me as far as noise and shitty neighbors go, beginning with the NHA. Nonetheless, it never was my fault that Woodside Terrace and Locust St. got so bad. It was never my fault that Kim abandoned me. It never was my fault that Tammy and I were told the NHA was quiet when it wasn’t. It was never my fault that the walls of the NHA were paper-thin, and it was infested with 10,000 screaming kids.

I reminded him that there’s always a problem at each of his jobs. He had problems with the people above him on Belmont Ave. in Springfield. He had problems renting a room with some woman named Gail. He had problems with Donna, Diana and other people when he first got here. In his first apartment here, the neighbors below him bitched about his nephew. And besides me, he’s had problems and complaints about this building. The people who used to live next to him and Rachel and Tony were always slamming their doors. Whether or not all these problems were none, partially, or all his fault, this is just life.

So I said all I had to say and told him I didn’t feel like fighting with him or anyone else, for that matter. He agreed, and we dropped it.

4:44 AM

At around 9 AM yesterday morning, I went to get a package from Fingerhut I’d forgotten all about. It was full of Tupperware, and it also had a key rack that I had already gotten from them when I was in S. Dfld.

Andy came over at 8:30, an hour and a half after I got up, and I gave him the key rack and some Tupperware. Then at 9:30 Kara came over, and I gave her some more Tupperware as I definitely don’t need all of it. She brought me some hangers. While she was here, we filled out no-postage-necessary cards to Nervous, Fran, Bob, and Bobbie. We also listened to tapes, ate popcorn, and she wrote a page to Fran. I can’t wait for the two of them to talk on the phone. Fran and Kara will love it and have a field day with each other.

I’m so glad to have met a friend other than Andy who’s so much like me. I can be myself, and Kara loves the tapes of both the edits and convos. She knows all our major “lines” now, and now she’s writing funny letters with me. You always think when you first move somewhere that you must start all over. Get a new group of friends. Friends who are honest, understanding, have that same weird sense of humor, and let you be yourself. Of course, you still meet 10 jerks for every good person you meet.

Speaking of a jerk named Rosemarie, well, payback’s due. I figured I’d wait 5–6 months to appear less obvious and egg her car. On her way home, Kara dropped an egg on her windshield. Now, I’m sure to be punished for this, but then again, I don’t know. It’s been a year now, almost, since I could sleep and get up when I say so, and things go wrong even if I behave. And I’ve never been more behaved than I am now for a long time. No phone calls.

To change the subject now, I still have those fucking annoying and itchy discharges from downstairs. I give up, as I’ve no idea what the fuck to do. It’s incurable.

I’m surprised I haven’t heard from Jessie or Cassandra, but not surprised I haven’t heard from Steve. No pictures yet from Nervous or from mom. I’m sure now they both trashed them. Fran left a message earlier saying Happy Chanukah and that he’s gonna be sending me a letter. Great! Fan-fucking-tastic! Just what I’ve been dying for. With all the letters I send him, it’s only fair. I figured sooner or later he’d get into it, too. Bob also left me his “liquid plumber cappuccino” message. Back when he’d threaten to kill himself with lye, I’d tell him he'd better make it a liquid plumber cappuccino.

I’m gonna leave a thank-you note for Pete the mailman. Stacey refused packages in other names out of spite. Thanks to Pete, he left a package two days ago by my door in Lisa S’s name. So Stacey doesn’t realize that, in a way, she’s done me a favor. Some will be delivered right to my door.

The package was a porcelain doll, anyway. It’s pretty, even though it’s made up to be old-fashioned. It’s a girl in a light blue nightgown holding a teddy bear. There’s a matching bonnet on her head, and she’s got green eyes and blond curly hair. Stevie hair, Andy said.

12/26/1992 Saturday 2:38 AM

I am so damn bored right now. I have plenty I could do, but I just don’t feel like it at the moment. I have those stories to start, editing to do, a new Gloria medley to make, and coloring my velvet posters. My letter writing can hold off till after the first of the year.

Andy called me at 6:30 this morning. I answered since I was awake and had my ringer on. He was on his way to work and was saying how more and more he needs and wants to quit smoking.

At 8:00 or 9:00 this morning, I fell asleep and thankfully awoke on my own at almost 6:00 in the evening. The weird thing is that I haven’t even heard him quietly walking around. Not a peep. Not even his toilet has flushed since I awoke, and there’s no way you can not hear that. Toilets flushing don’t bother me, but where could he be?

Yesterday, Bob and Fran left messages, but no word from them yet. They’ll try again when I’ve stepped out, when my ringer is off, or when I’m asleep.

Last night, I continued reading back in my journals. I read number 5, which wasn’t too bad. Some of it was interesting and funny, but I sure was naïve. I guess soon I’ll start reading number 6.

I’m sure Rosemarie discovered her egged car by now. Serves you right, bitch!

12/27/1992 Sunday 3:51 AM

Yesterday turned out to be pretty productive. I wrote letters to my parents, Tammy, Lisa, Becky, and Fran.

I junked the bed frame I put out on the patio. I really don’t need it, and with me being so small, I can handle the bed being a little lower.

I scrubbed the hell out of the kitchen. No wiping around things either—I took everything off the countertops. I want, and still need, to do the whole place, but I was getting way too tired and dizzy.

I fell asleep at noon, woke up shortly after 6:00, heard him stomp a few times, then finally got up at 9:00.

Fran called at 10:15, and we spoke for about 15 minutes.

I just finished Kim’s letter tonight. Next, I’ll work on Fran’s and Nervous’s. Bob will only be getting one more letter since he claims he’s leaving soon. I’ll send it right after the New Year. I typed up several envelopes last night: about nine for Tammy, nine for Becky and Lisa, and nine for Mom and Dad. There are also six for Fran, six for Nervous, and six for Kim. I think stamps are going up, but even if they stay at 29 cents, it’s costly, and it does add up. I won’t stop writing to them permanently, but I’ll slow down quite a bit. I’ll explain this to Kim, but not Nervo or Fran. I’ll keep them expecting and wondering why they’re not getting all their letters. I’ll write to my family as often as I do now.

I’m still doing a little something for Tammy, Mom, and Dad. I’ve got colored paper, about 4x6, and I’m making calendars. I’m making one for myself too, as I had this tiny little microscopic calendar I didn’t like. I could barely see it, yet my eyes are fine. My teddy bear calendar is on my refrigerator, and the ones I made are taped to my bedroom wall. Actually, I’m typing them. I can fit four months on one piece of paper, so there will be three pieces to each calendar.

Time out for a smoke.

4:19 AM

Well, Andy quit smoking for 27 hours, he told me on my machine in the early evening. I’m to try to follow when I run out of cigarettes, which will be very soon. I’ve decided to take the healthier misery—always crave one and get fat. I’d also like to get off the Theo due to its side effects, even though they’re a joke compared to the Navane. Anything’s better than TD, but it causes dry skin, hair, and nails. Makes my stomach gassy and bloated, and it revs me up way more than I naturally already am. I have my own natural source of energy. Quitting smoking and getting off my meds won’t always keep me on a schedule, but it’ll help a little. The cravings will suck, and I’m sure they’ll never go away. You get constipated for a while, retain water, and your metabolism drops. This is why they say to drink lots of water. I’ll die by 30 for sure if I don’t quit. I wrote up a list of the positives and negatives of quitting.

The positives are: I’d breathe better, sing better, save money, improve my immune system, get off meds, and rid myself of bad side effects. The negatives are the cravings and the weight gain.

5:25 AM

I just made some coffee and emptied the dishwasher.

I put together a list of 15 exercises for each of the major muscle groups.

In a few hours, I really must finish the house cleaning, which I got so sick of. I’m not into it like I used to be, but it needs to be done. My asthma and allergies will appreciate it. I must clean the bathroom, dust, and vacuum.

Kara’s mom is returning from Williams (a 4-season area). She is fighting with her boyfriend. So now it’ll be Kara, Ashley, and Kara’s mom and stepdad.

I’m a little disappointed in Kara’s mom, Alana. The phone is in Alana’s name, and I asked Kara to ask her if she could call Boston for the hospital's ZIP code. I’d pay, of course, but Alana said no. Can’t she trust her daughter’s friends? Plus, I did her a favor for their Thanksgiving dinner. I lent her two bowls, so she could’ve returned the simple little favor, which would’ve been under a buck.

Well, since Tammy said she liked the last joke I sent her, she oughta enjoy this one too. I told her that if anyone ever asks her how her sex life with Bill is, she can say this:

Quarter after 1, we’re having some fun in the bedroom.

Quarter after 2, he took off my shoe.

Quarter after 3, he put his hand on my knee.

Quarter after 4, he threw me on the floor.

Quarter after 5, we began to jive.

Quarter after 6, he grabbed my tits.

Quarter after 7, it felt like heaven.

Quarter after 8, he stuck it up straight.

Quarter after 9, we are doin’ fine.

Quarter after 10, we do it all again.

Well, Rosemarie must be pretty pissed right now, also wondering who the fuck could’ve egged her precious little car. I still expect punishment for this, but it hasn’t come yet. I’m about to get my period, so I hope the cramps won’t be bad. Although some things could be much, much worse. Maybe she’s owed more than payback for pissing me off, and God’s having me punish her? Who knows? Time will tell. I think she knows I moved, but of course not where to. She heard me telling someone on the payphone I was about to move, so she may not even know I’m still at this complex. Maybe she saw me hanging out with Ellie last summer and asked her, but I’m not really worried about it now. She’s an asshole and a half, although I still very occasionally fantasize about her. About every 2–3 months, I have sex with her in my mind, but she doesn’t know it. In this fantasy, she’s left Rick. I transfer to a 1-bedroom right next to her. Eventually, we speak, and yes, it was paranoia caused by Rick. Also, her own private little fantasies kept in the closet. But in time, little by little, I bring her out of that closet.

These fantasies will always be the story of my life—the sex stories of my life, I should say. I do know now and am 100% sure I’ll always be celibate unless I settle. As for Kara, well, I still don’t know yet.

10:20 AM

I am getting very tired. Soon I’ll be going to bed and praying that Andy doesn’t wake me up.

I cleaned everything but the bathroom. Tomorrow I’ll do that. Cleaning this place sure doesn’t take long because it’s so small, and I only have 10 shelves of furniture to dust. I do dust the stuff on the shelves. I did that a little while ago, along with vacuuming the carpet. Tomorrow I’ll clean the bathroom and vacuum the floor and the kitchen floor. Of course, they both take three minutes each.

As I said a while back, I changed my mind on my suspect for the firecrackers. At first, due to the timing and coincidence, I thought it was Stacey. It still very well could be, but I think it’s more like something Robert would do.

I took a piece of plain paper and wrote in bold capital letters, “I know about the firecrackers.” I put it in a regular envelope and wrote only his address and name in bold black marker. I put it on top of the mailboxes. So, if it’s him—and I’m fairly sure it is—I’d like him to know that I know.

A guy who lives in the building next to me gave me a couple of smokes, as I couldn’t hold out. Kara came over with Ashley, and she gave me a couple, too. This is good, as I really need to at least cut down first. I couldn’t have her stay long, as I’m beat. I couldn’t stand it when Ashley screamed, so I was anxious to get her out of here.

I told her to check out Rosemarie’s car, and she says it looks like she hasn’t discovered it yet. Guess she’s stayed in all weekend.

Due to being blessed with being able to wake up when I do on my own for the last three days, I hope this doesn’t mean I now must wake up when Andy slams his door too hard, or when he gets out of control with stomping, or because of someone else’s door. About 70% of the time in the last year, I’ve been woken up by someone or something. When’s it gonna stop? When can I depend on not being woken up 90% of the time? In a week’s time, I’ve been woken up between 2–6 times. I’m sick of this shit. So sick of it!

12/28/1992 Monday 12:10 AM

Yesterday afternoon, I fell asleep around 1:00. I awoke at 8:30 on my own, but still, I knew my luck would run out. Andi next door has a very large family, which I noticed last summer. Well, she’s got 10–15 boys over there now! They’re around junior high to high school age. This is just great. School doesn’t start till next Monday, and I hope and I pray they won’t be here that long—or I’ll die. Tomorrow, late morning or early afternoon, I’m sure I can count on being woken up constantly. Doesn’t Andi still have to work? What will they all do while she’s gone? How long will they all be here?

Well, I got my period, and luckily I don’t have cramps.

Right now, it is raining out. I hope the letter I stuck in the mailbox earlier for Kim didn’t get drenched. In this particular mailbox, the rain can easily get in. I also put Robert’s note on top of the mailboxes, and I hope that it’s not drenched and that the wind didn’t blow it away.

Shortly after I got up, Kara came over.

I also spoke to Randy, who gave me the TV Time section. He’s been really sick.

I hope Dennis doesn’t move real soon. I’ll call him today or tomorrow and see what he’s up to. Also, maybe we can do errands together.

Andy called one of the Boston hospitals. I asked for the zip codes for both hospitals, and tomorrow I’ll mail in all the information to Dr. Kareus. I’ve also signed the release of information papers. Tomorrow I’ll sew a torn pocket in a pair of Andy’s pants to return the favor. Of course, I’d still do it anyway just to help a friend.

I wonder if I’ll get Tammy’s package this week.

I just hope and pray to God to get rid of Andi’s many, many, many guests tomorrow before I go to sleep. However, I’m sure that’s wishful thinking and dreaming. With my luck, they’ll be here a few days at least, if not till next Monday. I knew my luck had to run out sooner or later. But if Andi’s got to work, I can’t see her leaving 10–15 kids here all by themselves—even though they’re not little kids.

God, just make them disappear tomorrow! Poor Mary. She must be having a blast having to be underneath this shit.

Kara says there are still eggshells on Rosemarie’s car, even though it’s pouring steadily out there. Kara and Andy say it takes 2–3 years for eggs to wear off—unless she gets it professionally cleaned. I believe she can afford to do so. Andy and I know it takes a long time for eggs to wear off because of what happened two years ago. We were out throwing eggs when I threw one so hard that it bounced back and splattered a little on the passenger’s door.

2:15 AM

I can still hear some movement next door. The sad part is that I can’t call the office about it. They won’t do anything, as the only way to shut kids up (especially 10–15 of them) is to totally get rid of them. Plus, they’ll only tell me she’s allowed to have company like anyone else. But 10–15 guests? I just wish I knew they’d be leaving tomorrow morning permanently. That’d sure ease my mind, but I doubt I’ll be that lucky. Why does shit like this always have to happen to me?

I also can’t wait for whoever it’ll be to move downstairs. That oughta be one hell of a blast.

If Dennis is to be here January 23–26, I’ll have to see if I can stay at his place to avoid listening to—and feeling—Andy’s nephew bounce off the walls.

So, Nervous did rip me off after all. It’s a good thing I already have copies of the ones I sent him. This is why I first did this as a test. Now I know never to send him pictures I have no copies of. If he’d sent them back, I would’ve sent them to Bob. But if Bob comes here or sees Kim’s copies, I’ll send them to Fran. When and if Kim sends back the negatives—and I believe she will—I’ll still send those to Nervous. Whether or not he develops them is a different story. He probably will out of curiosity, but if he does, he does, and if he doesn’t, he doesn’t.

I wonder if he’s still not smoking. It’s been almost three days for Andy, that lucky little shit.

I wonder just when my mom is gonna send me my other guitar. I’m not ever counting on seeing all my other pictures that ended up in Florida. However, I won’t yet dump the part of my collection that made it out here. When I do, though, I’ll only dump part of it.

2:45 AM

If the rain continues, I wonder if the people who mow the lawn will call it off. Last week, I cranked up my radio and slept right through it.

A great time for my family to come and see me would be late May or early June, before my lease is up. This way, they can see my studio if I do move on June 10th or 15th, when it expires. There are no models for studios. There’s a model for the large and small 1-bedroom and for the 2-bedroom. Is there one for the medium-sized 1-bedroom? I do not know. I’d love for Mom, Dad, and Tammy to see these models. Not the small 1-bedroom, though. It’s barely bigger than a studio. I may only be able to afford the 1-bedroom over at the Via El Camino complex, where Kara is. I’d really rather stay here and find a way to convince my parents to up their monthly help a bit. If they could see in person how much more beautiful this complex is and its 1-bedrooms, maybe that’d work. I really, really do need that extra space. I especially need its closet.

It would make my day if they’d turn the studio below me into a model. They’d put furniture in it too, making it less hollow. Sounds would be absorbed much better this way. This is why Andy can’t hear my TV unless he’s in his bathroom. Not that TVs bother me like slamming, sliding, and banging, but I can never hear his TV either unless I go into my bathroom.

In 1993, I hope to be in a bigger apartment!

12/29/1992 Tuesday 7:17 AM

Yesterday was an absolutely miserable day. Last night, too. It just goes to further my belief that God will never let me sleep, no matter where I go. I also believe this definitely still would’ve happened even if I never had Kara egg Rosemarie’s car. Mary downstairs got the worst of it, but we both suffered pretty badly. The end results, however, are positive. I think they are, but let me start at the beginning. It’s almost like I was back at the NHA. I swear there’ll never be any escape! There’s always gonna be one thing after another.

Last night at midnight, I asked them to keep it down. It didn’t work. I pounded the wall once, then at 1:00 AM, they went to sleep. At 8:00 yesterday morning, I called Mary downstairs, who’d thought what I thought—that she was moving. She said they kept her up late, driving her crazy. She said they began the same thing an hour ago at 7:30. I told her how many kids were there and that my speaking to them twice never worked. I also told her that one of the boys (they were all boys) said they’d be there all week. No fucking way.

Mary insisted at first that Andi was out, as her truck was gone. Yet she’d been there the whole time, and we didn’t know it yet. Mary said someone in her huge family must have a house, so why don’t they go there rather than in a tiny studio? Good question. Then she said, “Nothing against the Mexicans and their huge families, but where there’s one, there are fifty.”

No shit! Then, with me on the line listening quietly, she called the office. She said she was sick, and she really was and needed her rest. She needs to go to work, so they'd better do something if they want her to go to work so she can pay the rent. Paula answered and said something about getting a letter up to them.

After Mary spoke to Paula, she and I ran to Circle K, where I picked up 2 packs of cigarettes, 3 candy bars, a pack of gum, and some milk. I returned to them, slamming and banging, and I called Paula. I told her how many people were there and how they’d been going on the previous night. I also told her I was considering breaking my lease and looking for a place elsewhere. There have been too many problems here, but I’m sick of being woken up. The complex is beautiful and so are the apartments, but the walls are too thin. No, they’re nowhere near as thin as the NHA, but still too thin. The thickest walls were at Woodside Terrace and Oswego Street. I miss walls like that. I can only deal with a little outside noise at this point. I hate it when the kids scream, but at least you can’t feel that. I just turn on my radio, even though there are times when I want total quiet. At least there is a way out of hearing the kids by turning on the radio, but there’s no escaping all those bumps and bangs you can feel. Kara said you wouldn’t hear this if it were at her complex. Maybe her walls are thicker due to how cheap her electric bills are. When I was at her place for Turkey Day, she had her heat turned off, and it was just a furnace in there.

11:19 AM

Continuing—and hopefully finishing—next door’s story: I spoke to Paula once, and Mary spoke to her twice. After Mary called for the third time, believe it or not, it was Stacey who went to talk to them. I stood by my door listening. She said they had way too many people and there were many complaints. Also, to stop slamming and banging, and no jumping on sofas. Andi bullshitted her in defense by saying she understands, but that I do it too—which is total BS, naturally. I could’ve sworn I heard Stacey say she understands my situation, whatever she meant by that. I heard Andi say they were leaving tomorrow (today), and I knew they’d shut up only temporarily. I knew this about as well as I knew my luck would run out after sleeping well for four days.

So, I got those Boston zip codes from Andy and mailed my mail. I watched some talk shows on TV, and their noise subsided—not completely, but somewhat. I figured, with kids being kids, it’d have to start back up sooner or later.

I fell asleep at 1:30 PM. Sure enough, at 7:00 PM, they were ready to tear the walls down. I went outside, kicked their door, and screamed at them—I was so pissed. I’m ready to rip the shit out of this bitch, and I’ll do it right in front of the kids, too! Maybe that would set an example for them and teach them a little lesson or two.

I felt shitty, but it could’ve been worse. I blasted the shit out of my stereo to drown them out until 8:30. They still wouldn’t shut up, so I turned it on again until 9:15 or so. Finally, at 10:30, I realized they just didn’t get it and only cared about themselves. Some folks have no consideration whatsoever, and I’ve never ever had a problem with her or with noise from her before—but this just did not cut it. My last resort was to call the cops. I did, and it worked.

Now for the surprising part: once I’m woken up, it’s usually hard to fall back asleep—especially at night, with me being a night person. But I did, almost at 11:00 PM. Around midnight, there was a big bang (their grand finale), and luckily, as quickly as I began fuming, I fell back asleep until almost 3:00 AM.

12/30/1992 Wednesday 5:30 AM

I guess Andy’s having trouble sleeping or is sick. It’s not like he’s noisy or anything, but I’ve heard movement over there all night long.

Yesterday morning, around 9:00, I heard them next door. The kids would slam their door, but finally, they left at about 11:00. Thank fucking God! Now it should be peaceful for the next four days—until something else wakes me up.

I was at the office yesterday, and all three of them were in there. As usual, Paula and Judy were very friendly and understanding, while I could feel Stacey’s hatred burning into my every pore.

I spoke to Paula, letting her know that although this complex and the apartments are beautiful, I may begin looking elsewhere. I thought the 1-bedrooms were $335, but they’re $349, and they’ll no doubt go up in June. That’s dirt cheap for such a nice apartment, but not anything I can afford. I wonder why I should even bother transferring to a 1-bedroom here anyway, knowing how thin the walls are. Even if I could afford it, I should go look for thicker walls.

I fell asleep yesterday at 4:00 PM and got up at 9:50 PM. Nothing woke me up, but I wanted to sleep later.

Dennis left a message saying I could have their dining room table and chairs, along with other stuff. I have no room for the table and chairs, but I sure wish he were giving up his color TV. I’ll call him at 8:00. I also need to go to the store.

Kara left a message, too.

Later, I’ll write about what Mary and I discussed concerning a cat and the crazy pet deposit they have here.

12/31/1992 Thursday 5:11 AM

Well, here we are on the last day of 1992. What will 1993 hold for me, I wonder?

Yesterday was a good day. I still wish Dennis wasn’t moving, but he gave me some very nice stuff I could use. He gave me a round glass shelf stand similar to one I once had back east. It’s about 6 feet high, and it’s a solid iron stand that’s olive-colored. There are four glass shelves. It goes out in four directions and forms a peak at the very top. I put stuffed animals up there, as well as other knickknacks and the few videos I have.

He also gave me a step-ladder stool similar to my old one, a sturdy small table I’ve put my typewriter on, and a tiny square thing to sit on while I type. Also, the perfect TV stand I’ve been dying for. On top are my TV and VCR. The bottom has a slanted shelf, normally for videos, CDs, or cassettes, but I’ve put journals 1–34 on it. It’s much sturdier than my thin plastic shelves. I removed the shelf where I put my little table and typewriter and put it in my closet, with my underwear folded on it and my socks underneath. I was able to do this as Dennis also gave me a shoe rack. I save more space by putting my shoes on it and hanging them on the back of my bathroom door.

I rearranged other stuff, too. I moved the speaker that was in a corner and put it by the bathroom door, which is very close to the bedroom. I now turn this speaker on at night instead of my clock radio. I shut off the other speaker by my door and my box too, at night—or whenever I’m sleeping.

I slept well. I slept from 4:30 to a little after midnight, then got up and did Andy’s laundry. I chatted with Dan, the security guard, too, and we went to my mailbox together. I got all junk.

Dennis told me to call Susie and Brian tomorrow because there will be more stuff no one else will want. He gave Andy a nice chair and a big world map.

While I was figuring out how to rearrange everything—which took time—Andy went to the store and picked me up some water, TV dinners, and munchies. I have no cash till my check comes. I hope Susie or Brian has some cigarettes they can spare.

In journal 32, I had accidentally skipped a page, and Kara wrote on it. She wrote: He’s not my boyfriend; he’s just somebody I’m sleeping with. I, Kara, came over this morning with a pack of cigs. What’s a P.J. Paul? I’m going into the kitchen to get a knife, and I’m going to come and get you. Well, I haven’t heard from Brian since the last time, which was almost two weeks ago. From now on, he’s going to be a closed chapter in my life, and the only time it is going to open is when he calls so I can bitch him out. There are just two words lying under the carpet. And they can’t put you in bucks for 400 jail. I’m so glad you’re my friend. Officer S is here with me. And boy, is she pretty. Talk more later. Bye-bye.

6:11 AM

Last night, I began one of my 40-page stories. It’ll definitely need way more than 40 pages, but I can always carry it into another journal. It’s going well, and I’ve already done 20 pages. I type up the rough draft, copy it in, then send the rough draft to Fran. I’m typing the rough draft on that pad of colored paper Mary bought me. Kara, who was over for a while yesterday, read what I’ve written so far and really liked it. Kara’s one of the few people like Andy and me where you can share your fantasies with her and just about everything, and she won’t freak out.

I don’t know if Mary and I will ever do this, as I don’t know how long I’ll be here, but we came up with an idea. The idea is that she pays the pet deposit in my name, gets a cat, and makes sure it works out (I told her how horrible the last two cats were). It can spend time up here when she’s not around or when the office people are around. It can stay with her when I’m asleep or not here.

I’ll write more later, but I really need a shower and some food.

November 1992

11/1/1992 Sunday 1 PM

I woke up at 8:30 needing to take my meds. I fell back asleep till 11:30.

I just spoke to Mary, who said she let Moon Shadow out because she was climbing the door to get out.

Mary’s also going to a memorial service for a girlfriend of hers who was killed by her boyfriend in Glendale. She was saying how she wants a guy but can’t trust them. I was saying I want a real woman, but they’re all straight.

I am out on my patio now with Moon Shadow.

1:30 PM

OK, now I’ll get through the story once and for all. Stacey accused me of several things I didn’t do, as well as of petty bullshit I did do. I already mentioned the shit with Ellie. I also played Stacey a message from Ellie, which was no different than what she got from me.

Robert also went to Stacey, but that was only due to my complaining about him and turning his propositions down. I left him some funny messages before all this happened, and he got a big kick out of it. Also, like with the calls I gave and got from Ellie, they weren’t pranks in a bad way—just our usual weird stuff.

The rest of the stuff Stacey had to say was totally ludicrous, telling me something obvious, and that’s that she’s got some kind of personal vendetta against me for sure. Everyone else I’ve spoken to agrees with me.

As I wrote before, I moved, I came up here to see the place. The girl seemed very nice about it. All her shit was moved out, and I wasn’t in her way and was only here two minutes. Apparently, she complained. Why couldn’t the bitch just tell me to leave or not bother to open her door? What a vindictive little wimp. She didn’t have to show me the place.

The other thing she mentioned was vandalism, which I know nothing about. She remained evasive, but Andy and I haven’t thrown eggs or anything. Andy did say, though, that one night he woke up to the sound of glass breaking and thought it was his car. He got up and checked his car, which was fine, and he didn’t see anything. I never heard any of this and was obviously asleep.

Stacey was also saying people don’t “understand” my friendship and that I’m always trying to get people’s phone numbers in the laundry room and at the pool, which is bullshit. Any phone numbers I have were offered to me, and if someone doesn’t want to give me their number, that’s fine. She also mentioned my inviting people up here as if it were millions of people. I’ve invited a few people up, like Tonya, Tara, Dennis, or Randy. A lot of people ask to come up and also invite me to their place, and if someone doesn’t want to come up, I don’t pressure them. Why would she care who I invite to my own damn apartment anyway? Isn’t it my right to have company?

OK, so I’ve had a few problems with some people here like Rosemarie, Donna, and Fay. Fay moved, and I haven’t seen the other two assholes for ages. I haven’t seen Mark or Robert either, and I won’t have anything to do with Ellie.

She also says the office won’t accept any packages under different names, which is strictly out of spite. Why else would she care whose name it was in?

She then got even more out of line when she said she spoke to Ray, who referred her to Mike M. I do believe Ray called her, but that’s wrong of him, and Dad and Tammy agree. It was never the office’s business to know about my probation, and he had no right to contact them. She threatened to contact Mike, but he says he hasn’t heard from her. That was as of last Friday. I warned Stacey that if she calls Mike or continues harassing me, I’ll file charges. She has no right to talk to Mike or Ray, as this is confidential and privileged information.

She was also extremely contradictory. One minute, she truthfully admits she doesn’t know me. Next, she’s judging me and pretending to know me quite well. She puts words in my mouth and gives me all these false ideas about what I’m all about as a person. She’d go from telling me I need to meet more people to telling me I should keep to myself, as if she had the right to tell me what to do in the first place. This bitch would tell me I’m confused, yet I know myself better than anyone else ever will. She also said I’m lonely, and there’s a difference between lonely and alone. The fact is that I’m alone and not at all lonely because of assholes like her and 80% of the population.

She told me I ought to get a part-time job or do volunteer work and asked why I couldn’t move to Florida, where my parents are, as if it’s any of her business.

She told me she knew where I was and what I was doing. She said if someone didn’t tell her, she’d find out anyway. I told Andy I asked her if she was spying on me. Andy said he asked the same thing. After all, comments like that make one wonder.

Then she got further out of line by telling Andy to dump me and not spend so much time with me. But he doesn’t spend much time with me. He works full-time, and we’re usually on different schedules and in our own space. He’s not overly sociable either, though he is more of a people person than I ever was. Nonetheless, he said she implied to him that it’s unfortunate I’m directly behind him rather than two buildings down and that I’m just oh-so-much trouble, and therefore he should stay away from me. He gave her a piece of his mind and told her to back off and mind her own business.

Some of my friends and I went over all the possible reasons she could be doing this to me. We ruled out my being Jewish and gay, because there are other Jews here and other gays here, though that still could be it. Kara suggested my looks, but I disagree. Stacey may not be beautiful, but she’s not ugly. I think it’s just a matter of my looking young and dumb and easy to step on. I think, and I hope, she’ll be backing off now that I've proved the opposite of what I appear to be. With threatening charges and family and friends on my side, maybe she’ll back off. However, if she continues the harassment, things will get worse for her. She’ll end up wishing she never messed with me, and the sooner she realizes she’s picked on the wrong person, the better for her. I will go to court if I have to. I told her not to talk with Ray or Mike, no matter who calls whom, and to leave me and my friends alone.

That night, three firecrackers were thrown up here. Was this bitch behind it, or was it connected to Mark or Robert?

The next day after the big meeting with Stacey, I was fuming mad and scared about extradition. I gave up trying to figure out exactly what could be motivating her. I was so pissed at her nerve and people and life in general. I was sick of dealing with people fucking with me when I’ve done nothing to deserve it. I went out to try to walk off my steam. I was sick of seeing people do all kinds of shit worse than I’ve done and get away with it. I began wishing I could drop dead so I wouldn’t have to live a second-best life. No singing career, no sex, and just one problem after another with people. Even when you’re good to people, they’ve still got to fuck you over.

I remembered the time Rosemarie and Rick came screaming at my door and figured if they can do that, so can I. I wasn’t gonna be intimidated by anyone, and I dared Stacey in my mind to do something about this. I was gonna give people a real reason to hate me, and I lost my cool.

I went over and knocked on Ellie’s door. She could see I was fuming by the look in my eyes. She asked what the problem was, and I told her she had a lot of nerve. She told me to write it in a letter and shut the door. For about two minutes, I gave her a piece of my mind outside her door. Then she had a table there with a glass, an ashtray, and a plant. I was so fed up with her shit that I flipped the table. I should’ve dumped her long ago, and I feel not one bit guilty about doing what I did to that table.

So that evening, two men and a woman from Terros came out to talk with me. They were very helpful in relaxing me. It was last Thursday night that they came out. While they were here, Ellie called. She was yelling so loud and talking so fast that the only words I could make out were “Clean up the mess.” I hung up on her, and the next day she left some plant soil by my door. That was kind of amusing because it was so childish.

As cheap and as beautiful as these apartments and grounds are, sometimes I don’t feel like I’m in an apartment but rather one big house with a Dureen-like tyrant called Stacey ruling it. Never did the landlords or managers back east butt into their tenants’ business like this, not that I miss it there. The Remby brothers did to a degree, but that was nothing compared to this. I felt like a child having to answer to a parent when confronted by Stacey and her shit.

2:10 PM

I am out by the pool now. It’s such a gorgeous day. I was just chatting with Steve. He’s on his patio sawing wood to make a birdcage. That sound reminds me of being at the beach in April or May when everyone’s fixing up their cottages for the summer. I haven’t seen his girlfriend Sue for ages. I told him to say hi to her.

I just ran into Linda, and I showed her my place. She asked me, mind you, and no, I’m not gonna call the office and bitch about it. I don’t stab people in the back like that. Besides, if I didn’t want to show her the place, I’d just say no. Anyway, she liked it but agreed I could use more closet space. Other than that, I don’t need more space because I have no furniture and this way there’s less to clean. On the other hand, it’d be nice to have more space to fit furniture in and have dressers to put my clothes in, which are in suitcases and duffel bags all over my closet floor and under my bed.

A few days ago, when all this shit with Stacey happened, Brad called about my cleaning his mother’s house. I said no because I’m so sick of house cleaning and may do exotic dancing this month with Tara, who’s turning 19 soon. If Tara can’t do it because of how busy she is and because of her weight, then maybe I’ll go along with Tonya a couple of nights a week. Tonya’s only working a couple of nights a week anyway.

I’m grateful not to live where there are 10,000 kids surrounding my apartment like termites, but at times it’s obnoxious to hear the ones that live here and their nonstop screaming. I can barely hear them over my TV, and I came here to the pool to hear less of them. Earlier, while I was writing at my table, I had to put on my edits. The little tape recorder Andy gave me was right on the table next to me, and I could still hear the little twirpettes. I put on my headphones. Several others have said they’ve complained. Gordy even called the cops because of their vandalism of the grass, property, and cars. Linda said they fucked up her car. They should have a specific area for these kids to play, away from people and their cars. I’ve given up complaining, and I think others have too. Nothing gets done about it.

I still have lots to write about, but I’d like to go finish the shows I taped.

7:05 PM

Andy is here now, and he’s grilling pork chops out on the grill. He just went to check them, and the edits are playing while I write. I still have massive amounts of editing to do.

Gloria’s gonna be on Entertainment Tonight. I’m also gonna be taping a movie about the true story of a woman who murdered her husband. Last year, they had part one of her story. I didn’t know there’d be a part two until I just saw it in the TV guide Randy left by my door.

7:55 PM

The movie’s going on in five minutes.

Dinner was good, and Mary called during dinner like everyone does when you’re busy or eating. I didn’t answer because my hands were all greasy. When I called her, she told me a very familiar story. Her toilet overflowed, and she wanted a mop, but I don’t even have a broom yet. She called maintenance out with their water vac. She said this has happened to her five times.

8:51 PM

As far as Terros is concerned, well, they’re gonna call on Monday to see how I am. They may also have some referrals for me—legal aid numbers in case I ever need them, but I sure hope not.

As for Dennis, I spoke to him about Stacey and probation, and he agrees Stacey’s fucked up. Also, they can’t extradite me, as they gave me written permission to come here.

Last Friday night, Andy left me a message saying Ellie came to his door. She wanted to “apologize” to me but wanted him to go with her because she was afraid of me—afraid I might go off on her. He said he told her, “It’s your problem. That’s got nothing to do with me.” I told him he did the right thing. I didn’t get his message till after Ellie came over. She stood halfway down the stairs after she knocked and I opened the door. I screamed at her, saying, “You fucked me over and I fucked you over. We’re even now, so don’t ever call or come to my door again!” I chased her down the stairs, and she ran like hell. As a rule, I never hit anyone weaker than me unless they try to trash my stuff or something. I only meant to scare her as I did, and I haven’t seen or heard from her since. Ellie’s like Fran and Nervous. If they can’t get positive attention, they’ll get negative attention.

10:48 PM

Last Saturday, Randy and I spoke about the situation with Stacey and probation. The first time we spoke was the night all this happened. We met at the pool, where I brought chocolate chip cookies and he brought milk.

He said he felt like giving Stacey a piece of his mind, but Andy told me yesterday that’s exactly what he plans to do on his day off. He also plans to teach Ellie a lesson. Randy and Andy insisted on doing this on their own as friends. Never did I suggest this to them.

Andy said Ellie said, “You’ve been a perfect gentleman through all of this.” Well, the “perfect gentleman” is gonna show Ellie how he feels when someone screws his friend over. He plans sometime soon to go over and seem very friendly, then flip on her.

Randy fixed the space bar, and then he also had to fix something else with it. This was very dumb of me, but I shut the case on the cord. I left the typewriter in its case, which is a lot heavier than it looks. It severed the cord, and because electricity is so hot, it melted the rim of the case—part of it, anyway. It could’ve easily started a fire, and I didn’t know that. He spliced the cord, though, and says he’ll get some electrical tape.

I’ll also have to ask Dennis about the glue he’s getting to fix my speakers.

11:53 PM

Tomorrow I must do my laundry. I have three to four loads to do. I want to wash my comforter, so that’s one whole load in itself. I’ll also continue reading back through my journals and timing each one. I’ll do some more letter writing and finally get on with my editing. As for writing stories, who knows yet?

I hope this week I get letters from my family and Bob. I wish Kim would call to let me know how she likes her tapes. Can’t count on Fran ever writing, no matter what he says. As for Nervous, he’ll never write for sure, and I wonder just what the hell has set him off. While Andy was back home, Nervous and I had a two- to three-hour damn good talk. So how we went from that to his refusing to speak to me, I do not know. He claims to have finally gotten sex after nine years. I doubt that because he’s just in too foul a mood for a guy who’s supposedly gotten his first lay in nine years.

A funny, shocking, and totally amazing thing happened last week when Fran called. He called Nervous with the three-way. At first, I remained silent, and Nervous spoke fairly kindly to Fran. They did chat for a while. That’s one surprise. The really big surprise was when Nervous hung up when I spoke. Totally unlike him. He’d always hate to talk to others associated with me and would always talk to me only. He has hung up on me in the past, but he certainly never chose to speak to Fran over me. Oh well. I know he enjoys his letters anyway, no matter what.

As I mentioned earlier in this book, I wrote Bobbie a funny letter and included some hair and my address and phone number. I always liked her, and she called me. We had a nice chat for about 15 minutes. She said she’d write, but I know how people are, even if they mean well. She’ll never write. Fran also called her on the three-way, and she said I sounded like a sweetheart and very happy here.

11/2/1992 Monday 12:11 AM

Tammy said there’s no way they can extradite me, whether Arizona refuses me or not. They gave me written permission to be here.

She’s gonna have Sheila (from Greenfield) contact me about working out a deal. Maybe I can write to her. Sheila’s cool, so I’m sure she won’t give me any trouble.

She’s also gonna blast Stacey and give her hell for the shit she’s pulled on me. Believe me, she can sound quite intimidating.

There’s a fucking cricket chirping in my vent above my bed. I know they’re harmless and better than these huge sewer roaches, but they’re obnoxious because they jump out at you and freak you out when you least expect it.

Little House on the Prairie comes on soon, but I should hit the sack.

The lawnmowers come tomorrow, and now that it’s not so hot, they come around 9 AM. That’s about when I want to get up. If you want to sleep late, you really have to put on the radio. You’ll hear kids screaming their way off to school and the maintenance guys talking. Other people, too. Not always, but usually. The only other thing that sucks is the kids screaming outside after school and on weekends, but I do like it here so much better than in 163. This building’s quieter.

I hope Jane, that deaf girl, calls this week.

11/3/1992 Tuesday 4:44 PM

I haven’t heard from my sister yet. I hope to soon. I hope I start getting some letters soon, too.

No one from the office has harassed me, so I hope they got the message.

Today is an extremely windy day, very much with a feeling of fall. It sort of feels like being at home during the beginning of September in MA and CT. They’ve got to be absolutely freezing. This is what I’ve heard. Because it’s so dry and breezy today, it is a little bit chilly. I’ve shut my windows.

Today they vote for president. I never vote, as they’re all quacks anyway. I believe Bill Clinton will win, and that’s OK with me because he seems to be the most liberal of them all.

Last night, after dinner, Andy and I went to South Mountain. I’ve never ever witnessed any scenery so beautiful. Just when I thought you could see forever on Squaw Peak and Camelback Mountain—well, you can see forever and ever on top of this one. It was gorgeous and breathtaking, and I wish my family could see this. You could see thousands of lights throughout the valley. The Valley of the Sun, they call it. It took 15 minutes just to drive up this mountain, and my ear would pop going up and coming down. It was extremely windy up there, yet he and I did our own things. He did an interview while I was with “Saundra.”

I met a butch yesterday as I was on my way into the laundry room. God, I wish I could settle and not give a damn about looks. She seemed friendly enough, but she sure did shock me and scare me by asking me where I work. They usually don’t bother asking this, but I said I did little odds and ends. She says she works in the records department at Baptist Hospital. Also, she’s from Maine, and she’s 29 and has been in AZ for 18 years and at this complex for almost a year.

I only told her the state I’m from, my age, and how long I’ve been here.

She said she’s been to two gay bars I’ve been to; however, she doesn’t know I’m gay. She may sense it, though, as you can sense each other out at times. Low-income people, too. We sense each other out. The only other thing she asked was what kind of music I like.

This girl’s not the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen, but she’s between plain and ugly. She could’ve been thinking one of two things, but I don’t know for sure. One thing she could very well think is that I’m too feminine. The other is that maybe she did like me, as the very few fems out there usually go for butches, and butches prefer fems. There are also lots of butch couples because they have no choice when 98% of gay women are butches. The other reason she may have liked me is that God would have it that way and be sure to send me the ones I’m not attracted to. God forbid if I ever run into her again (and I hope not, to make things easier), should I say no? Should I remain celibate forever or start settling? But settling for no men and certainly not ultra-fat or ugly women is what I would do if I did settle.

7:39 PM

I am now watching the presidential campaign. Never before has it interested me. Usually, two months after we get a new president, I’m like, “By the way, who’s the new president?” I’m for Clinton because he’s more liberal and for gay rights. Also for a woman’s right to choose whether or not to have an abortion. The reason why I’m pro-choice is because of rape, incest, and the life of the mother. There are enough unwanted kids in this world with not enough loving people to adopt them. Also, why put the mother through the emotional and physical shit when she doesn’t want a kid? And this world is way too overpopulated. As I said, they’re all quacks, but Republicans are too narrow-minded and want all people to follow a certain set of rules. Clinton’s gonna win by a landslide. Now I’m waiting to hear about local issues and propositions.

It is nice to finally be doing OK for a change. My electric bill’s gonna be dirt cheap, and my phone bill will only be $30. I have a little over $200 after deducting my rent, so that leaves me enough cash. Then there’ll be my mom’s $50.

9 PM

Clinton won, luckily, and the government can’t step into the abortion issue. All abortions for any reason are legal.

Andy called a little while ago. He’s going to some friend’s house that he works with.

According to what he’s told me and what I’ve seen, Stephanie is one major undependable airhead.

I still have many things I want to do.

I want to finish the drawing of Tammy, Bill, and the girls. Perhaps this can be their Chanukah present, since I can’t afford to send anything. I would like to send at least $10 to Tammy for all the collect calls I’ve made to her. It’s not much, but it’s something.

So anyway, here are all the little projects I want to do: Finish the drawing, eventually see about photocopying other drawings I’ve done to send to Tammy, editing and letter writing. I also want to continue reading back through my journals and maybe write stories. I’m still not sure as far as stories go. If I do, should I type them? Or should I write them in a journal? I’ll just wait and see if I get any for my birthday. That’s what I want most, as I have an electric typewriter now. All I really need is a full-length mirror, and I only need one, whereas I can never have too many journals.

11 PM

While I’m watching Hunter, I’m gonna write about a series of wacko dreams I had last night. They sure were strange, and I dreamt about bits and pieces of different things that made no sense. In one dream, I remember seeing the younger Linda Ronstadt in person. I don’t believe we spoke, and I don’t know where this was or what the occasion was. It didn’t look too much like Linda, but somehow I just knew it was her. She was talking to someone else whose face I couldn’t see. I have no idea what it's about.

Then I dreamt I was in a big house belonging to a big family. The family wasn’t home, but I knew they were on their way home. Somehow, I knew Rosemarie was gonna be on TV. Why? Who knows. I thought to myself how I wanted to quickly grab my scrapbook of pictures because I wanted them to see what she looks like. The family came home before I could do so.

Guess I’ll finish with the rest of the dreams after I watch TV. Or during commercials, I can do more writing. I just don’t feel like taping it.

11/4/1992 Wednesday 1:40 AM

Andy may be calling any minute. He called from his friend's place, and I told him to call when he gets in.

The electrical situation in this building and the other one sucks. The volume on my TV, tape recorder, and stereo goes in and out.

Andy just got in. I heard his door.

Well, as far as the rest of my dreams, they’re crazy. Much crazier than the ones I already mentioned. I guess there was going to be a nuclear war, and people were freaking out. I was downtown somewhere, or in some busy place with lots of buildings and people. People were killing each other and themselves. Even little kids were jumping off the roofs of buildings. The next thing I knew, I was inside a building, walking down a crowded hallway. Four people were carrying a dead body in a body bag. As I continued to walk, I realized the floor had become slippery. I looked down to see that there was blood everywhere.

My last dream was the strangest. I was in a car with two women. The one driving had a gun. She wanted to take me to this ditch and shoot me into it. The girl in the passenger seat was trying to stop this woman and stop her from shooting me. I don’t know who these women were or why they wanted to shoot me, but I wasn’t as scared as a girl who might lose her life should be. They brought me to the parking lot of a restaurant, and we all got out of the car. I remember telling myself to move cautiously and not bolt off running so fast so as not to cause the woman to shoot me. She came around and pointed the gun at me. I froze. I thought, well gee, I guess of all the times I’ve wished I was dead, this was it. But then she changed her mind, and they both got in the car and drove off.

Now here’s the last strange hitch to this dream. This restaurant was owned by a tall, beautiful, long-haired girl. She had blond hair, wore a black shirt, and lots of nice necklaces. This gorgeous, feminine owner of this place was my girlfriend, and I ran from the parking lot into the restaurant and right into her arms. Then I woke up.

2:08 AM

Andy just called from Denny’s. He wanted to know if I wanted to split a burger.

Hell, yeah.

Downtown Phoenix is gorgeous. It’s so classy and blows downtown Springfield away. All the buildings are so modern. Some have awesome designs and shapes.

Andy said he’ll be here in 20 minutes, but I know he really means 40. It must’ve been someone else’s door I heard close.

Someone’s got to check my bed frame. It feels like it’s loosening. That’s all I need, to be sound asleep when I suddenly go crashing down. I guess the clamps don’t quite fit all that well.

4:30 PM

I am in the midst of the most gorgeous scenery now. We are back on South Mountain. He has never been here during the day, and of course, neither have I. It’s breathtaking, and I can see a million houses and roads. There are many huge mountains surrounding us. The mountains are mostly rock, sand, and cacti. It sure does look like the desert.

Andy went off to explore, and I’m sitting in the car. He’s probably doing an imaginary interview.

11/6/1992 Friday 3:08 AM

I can’t sleep, and that pisses me off.

I fixed my bed frame a few nights ago. It was a simple adjustment.

I had to go to the office to put in a work order to fix the lock on my door, which was getting harder to open. As I walked into the office, I was bummed to see only Stacey there. She just said, “Jodi,” with a nod of her head as I walked in. I simply told her the problem and left.

I still haven’t heard from my sister, so I don’t know if she spoke to Stacey or Sheila yet. I really wish she’d hurry up and close my checking account in Norwich.

Stacey hasn’t harassed me, but if she does, she’ll go to court with me. Maybe my threats of court were enough to scare her off. Or maybe she just realized she was way out of line and what she did was wrong. If she doesn’t drop it and if she contacts me about it, I’ll simply tell her that unless she has an apology for me, I have nothing to say.

I got a package from my parents. They sent towels, which I have enough of; some jellies, which I never use; a pad of lined paper, typing paper, this pen I’m writing with, toilet paper, a purple-colored basket, four different neon-colored pencils, coupons, tape, scissors, a cigarette case, and some of this stuff I gave to Andy.

She wrote two notes. One saying to please send her two of the monthly bulletins, cuz they’re interesting. The other note said she kept most of the pictures; my place looks great, I look happy, and maybe they’ll come visit me next year.

What does next year mean? January of ’93 or December of ’93?

She sent back the pictures I figured she’d send back. All the ones of me in my bikini where you could see me from head to toe. Also, one from karaoke. She kept one karaoke, though, and maybe a couple of other shots of me in my suit. She also sent a few back that came out too dark. I’m sending these to Nervous.

Still no letters from anyone, but what else is new? As I said, I finished one for Fran. Next, I’ll do one for Nerv and Tammy and Lisa. I’ll get these all out by Saturday. By the end of next week, I’ll have letters for Tammy, Lisa, and Becky, and Mom and Dad. Kim and Bob, too. It’ll be another month before Fran and Nervous get letters.

5:50 PM

I’m kind of bored and depressed right now. More so than I’ve been in a very long time. I do have plenty to do around here, but I’m having one of those why-can’t-I-be-a-singer and what’s-my-purpose-in-life spells. Well, then again, I know why I can’t be a singer, and that’s cuz I have no money and won’t sleep my way there. After I go through that in my mind, as I have a million times, I ask the next question: what’s my purpose in life? I try telling myself that being at home is better than having to get up early every day, which I can’t do, and go to a job I hate and have to deal with people till I get fired, even without doing anything to deserve it. But I still feel like a waste product.

I did some singing today, and later Andy will be calling. Randy may also call if he goes to the store.

I should do letter writing, editing, and drawing, but I kind of want to get out of here. To go where, I don’t know. I wish it were still summer and that Andy and I could go to Camelback Mountain to do our thing. However, it’s a work night for him, and he’ll be crashing early.

I have a few other unpleasant things on my mind, such as Tonya. I lent her two skirts, a shirt, and a dress. I know she’d never rip me off, but she’s a typical airhead I’m used to dealing with. Plus, she is gorgeous, so that ought to tell you something. I called over there yesterday and Tara answered. She is also pissed at Tonya’s non-dependability. Tonya got three calls from Tara’s boss saying she need not come to work, and Tonya never gave her the message. Tara said she’d speak to her, and I left another message a while ago saying I want them by tomorrow.

Another bothersome question is: why hasn’t my sister called? What about my dad’s test results? Her talk with Sheila and Stacey?

When Andy calls, I’m gonna have him put through a collect call to Kim. I think the only way to reach her would be later at night.

I also continue to wonder if Stacey has any nasty tricks up her sleeve, but if she does, I’ll deal with her.

I just had to get up to click the heat on. It’s amazing how fast and well it works. I only need to turn it on for a little while to take the chill out, then I can shut it off all night. The heat stays inside very well. I see what they mean when they say Arizona only has two seasons. It went from very hot to very chilly. For the last week or so, I’ve really felt like I was in Massachusetts. But this is how it would be there around the beginning of September, not the beginning of Nov.

11/7/1992 Saturday 2:42 AM

Well, as you can see, my schedule’s screwed up again, but oh well. I can’t force myself to go to sleep whenever I want to.

I haven’t heard from that deaf girl, but since she did call me, I’ll call her. She gave me her number, and I’ve got the relay number.

Tara called to say that she spoke to Tonya, who is washing my clothes and will give them to me tomorrow. Tara’s not as undependable as Tonya, but she is a little. She told me she’d call me when she got in from a party. As I figured, she never called, and I wanted to give her her b-day card.

Randy went to the store and dropped off some lotion for me, which I needed very badly. I ran out, and you know how the Theodur really dries out my skin. And my hair. That was nice of him to pick it up for me while he was shopping.

Tomorrow Andy’s taking me out to a nice restaurant. His treat. I’m looking forward to that. Prime rib and seafood. We’re also gonna stop at Fry’s, one of the grocery stores here.

I began a letter to Tammy, but I’ll finish it tomorrow. I finished reading back in Journal 2, and now I’m on 3. What a horrible writer I was then. I was so vague and confused, naïve, vulnerable, and so damn dumb! It is kind of funny to look back at it now and laugh. It’s pretty amusing. I think, how could I think, do, or say certain things? I really would be embarrassed if anyone read my journals, especially the first half of them. But then again, who cares? I’m sure people have written more stupid, shocking, and amazing things than I have. Right? I’m sure, though, that Tammy read much more than I think or have any idea of, especially while I was in Natchaug. She’s got to have. She’s my sister. There are some things about people you’re close to that you just never quite know. Other things, you do know.

If I live a full life and die after my parents, sister, and Andy, I wonder what would become of these journals? Of all my stuff? If I dropped dead right now, I suppose Andy and Tammy may read them, but would my parents or anyone else? My parents, especially, would die over 95% of the shit in these journals.

I’m still not sure whether or not to do a story. I lost patience before and told myself to wait a while, then take another shot at it. Should I write it in a journal? A notebook? Type it? I think I should type it, then copy it into a journal. This is good for a few reasons. It’ll be like a rough draft, and I can make any changes I want to make when I copy it in. I have tons of typing paper. This way I can see how long it goes. It’ll go faster if I type it with no paragraphs, and any mistakes in my typing won’t matter, and I won’t get a crampy hand. At least not as much as when I write so much other stuff—writing in journals and writing letters. Yes, this is exactly what I definitely will do. I will type it. I wonder how long the story will go. Naturally, it can go as long as I keep it going, so I guess what I mean is how long it’s necessary to continue. There’ll be only so many parts and events to each story, so it depends on how far I expand on each part of the story. Or stories. I have stories in mind. There’s no real purpose in this. Just something to do. No one will read them, except maybe Andy. I can send the typed rough draft to Fran and Nervous.

11/10/1992 Tuesday 2:46 AM

Bob called today. I spoke to him and Andy and taped it. I’m listening to that tape now. Bob sent a letter to me in the mail yesterday. I hope I get it on Wednesday. Bob was the usual as far as Kim was concerned, going on and on about her. She abandons him more and more. I did manage to cheer him up, though. We laughed and told jokes and said our funny lines to each other.

Fran also called, saying that someone kicked his door in and made mincemeat out of him, landing him in the hospital. First, he told me the person who did it had a beef against someone he knew. Then he said the person was looking to go after the person who previously lived in Fran’s apartment. Either way, I believe it did happen. Andy asked me, “Do you believe that?” Yes, very much so. Knowing how Fran can piss people off and easily make enemies, I definitely believe it.

Andy said that Moon Shadow’s not a girl. It’s a boy, and he’s neutered. I got to thinking about that last night. I figured the odds of my finding a fixed cat were so slim. I never saw any balls, so I figured it was a she. Then I remembered all those saying she was too big for a girl cat. I realized he looked like Shadow did after he was fixed last night, when he was lying on his back. I also realized that if it were pregnant, it’d show for sure by now. If it were a non-fixed male, the place would stink as it did with Shadow before he was fixed. Andy said it does have balls, but they’re small. Is this another ironic coincidence, or what? Andy did say he’s a reincarnation of Shadow. A total carbon copy. God answered my prayers and had it fixed, as He knew I could never afford it. Kim paid to fix Shadow. This cat is Shadow in black and white rather than orange and white.

Now, why won’t He answer my prayers to be a singer and have some lust?

11/12/1992 Thursday 3:12 AM

It took me forever to do two small loads of laundry for Andy. One load in the washer kept stopping cuz it was off balance due to his heavy bath rug. One load in the dryer had to go through a second time cuz his clothes were still wet. But after quite a while, I got it done.

I also went and got some groceries with Dennis and his mother, to hold me over till I get my food stamps.

Tonya returned my clothes when I asked for them.

Last Sunday afternoon, I gave Tara a birthday card with some of our funny lines. She laughed and really liked it, but today is her birthday. Later on this evening, I’ll call her. If I don’t get her, I’ll leave her a message.

I also wrote letters to Steve and Cassandra. I have no idea where Steve is or even if he’s in MA. Still, I wrote to him at Woodside Terrace, knowing that his letter would be forwarded to wherever he is. Cassandra will no doubt be happy to hear from me. She’s been curious, no doubt, as to where the hell I’ve been. We were supposed to get together over the summer. I explained in the letter to both of them what’s happened since I got to Norwich. I gave them my address and phone number.

I still haven’t heard from Tammy or my parents, but I’ve sent them letters. Still can’t reach Kim either, but Bob says he can’t either. That’s Kim for you, but I’ve sent her letters as well as Bob, Fran, and Nervous. I can’t find Jessie’s address, and I still must call her.

Dennis picked up some very strong glue, and he’s gonna fix my speakers soon. He took my box spring and mattress off its frame. The clamps for the frame are too big, so it’s out on the patio. It was nice to have the extra space to store shit under my bed, but I made room in my closet.

Moon Shadow’s asleep on the bed now. I kind of like it better this way so he can’t mess with stuff under the bed. He’s an angel, and if there are a few things he doesn’t have in common with Shadow, that’s one of them. He’s very well behaved, but if I were to leave him here alone or have him indoors all the time, who knows what he’d do. Not only is it nice not to deal with litter boxes, but he’d wake me up for sure. Another thing that’s the opposite of Shadow is that Moon Shadow likes Andy.

7:14 AM

I just pulled the funniest prank, but it turned out to be a little weird. I called a radio station and asked for one of the DJs named Kathy. I asked if she was single. She said yes and that she’s given up, but her sister’s coming from Wisconsin and they plan to go out and have a blast. She said that either they would meet someone or they wouldn’t.

I told her I only want to get together twice a month or so with no strings attached. She asked me if I could call back at 10:00 when she’s ready to leave the station. I don’t know how long I can keep awake, as I’ve been up all night, but I gave her my number.

This girl’s either just going along with the game like April did, or she’s too stupid to realize I was hitting on her. Or perhaps she thought I was speaking on behalf of some guy.

I forgot to write about Mother Tucker’s restaurant. Of course, we call it Mother Fucker’s. Andy had a coupon for a prime rib and crab leg dinner, which we were gonna split. While we were waiting for an obnoxiously long time, we noticed several people complaining about the food being cold and uncooked. I wrote a crazy note to our definite fem waiter, then told him I was walking out. We waited forever just to have cold, raw food. So many people walked out. As we were walking out, the fem goes, “OK, let me gain my composure, and I’ll talk to you.”

Andy said, “There’s nothing to say. It won’t be necessary. She just wants to go home.”

We were cracking up on our way home. Then we pranked them about five times, and I hit on a gorgeous—and I mean gorgeous—hostess.

11/13/1992 Friday 4 AM

Friday the 13th always reminds me of my mom visiting in Deerfield. The last time I saw her was in September of 1991, I think, but it seems like longer. It seems like it was two years ago.

Well, the 13th was bad luck for Rachel downstairs. The EMTs were here. Nancy was out walking her dog. I guess she’s got to go to work, and she said her son met her, and something about her being an epileptic. I don’t know, but I called down there. An EMT answered, saying she was feeling a little lousy but would be OK.

My chest is tight and I’m wheezing. Gotta take my breathalyzer.

I met that deaf girl, Jane, earlier tonight. She’s very nice. She walked over cuz she only lives across the street in another complex. She’s 41 and is a teacher at the Phoenix Day School for the Deaf. She said I was very good, and I didn’t ask her. She just told me that and says she’s met her fair share of shitty signers too, who only know a few signs and phrases. I wanted someone deaf who knew sign well. Her speech is not as good as Marlee Matlin’s, but you can understand some words. Basically, you must read her signs to understand all she says.

Speaking of Marlee, she says she met her at some meeting with deaf people. She was the speaker, I guess, and that was here in Phoenix.

I will call her and we’ll meet again soon.

Now for some disturbing news. Moon Shadow hasn’t been around all day and night. Where in the world could he be? I only have two theories, but first of all, I can surely say he’d never wander off on his own. This is where his love, attention, and food are, so he’s held against his will somewhere. Who’d detain him, though? After I took him in, he’d go nowhere near anyone but Andy. He fought like hell to get out of Mary’s place, so if someone has him, I’m sure he’d be trying desperately to get out. I would think they’d let him go like Mary did if he were putting up a stink and trying to get out. I doubt he wandered off and got lost or was hit by a car. The most probable theory is that someone took him and won’t let him go.

There’s another theory I doubt, and I sure hope to hell it isn’t true. That’s that the office and maintenance people took him. However, I’ve been told by people that maintenance won’t nark on those who aren’t supposed to have pets. They refuse to get involved or stick their noses in where it doesn’t belong. But after my beef with Stacey, who knows? They’ve always been nice to me, and they’ve never given me any shit. Well, I never figured Stacey would either, but I think it’s more likely that some idiot somewhere has him.

I mean, what luck to have a cat who’s a carbon copy of Shadow and who’s neutered. I need this cat. God, please don’t take him now. Send him home to me, please.

11/16/1992 Monday 4:09 AM

I forgot to mention what Bob included in his letter. His hair, after he said he got two hairy letters from me.

I got a message from Tammy, who says she’ll let me know about Dad. She also mentioned something about surgery on her hip and having a cast put on. She says she’ll get hold of me in a few days.

Early yesterday morning, I finally contacted Kim. I guess I have a letter coming from her. She likes the tapes but hasn’t had time to hear them all yet. I believe that.

She likes her new apartment and has a crush on a doctor, but hasn’t dated him yet. She said Carol the cop’s son died of some tumor.

I’m gonna copy the letter Bob sent for her and send the original, written by Bob himself, to Nervous.

Randy and I walked to the grocery store and back two nights ago.

Still haven’t seen Moon Shadow. What a bummer. I really think someone stole him.

Still have more to write another time about Rachel, Judy, my records, and other things.

11/19/1992 Thursday 4:50 AM

Early in the morning, Tammy called. Everything’s fine with Dad, but she’s got some hip trouble. A ligament is damaged, so she’s going through treatment.

That time Rachel had the ambulance here was because she had a panic attack.

I had a close call myself with my asthma. I thought I was going to end up in the ER, but Judy from the office came up and calmed me down.

I do believe I scared Stacey off when I threatened her with court. She hasn’t fucked with me, and she’s been friendlier.

Tammy didn’t call Stacey, and she hasn’t heard from Sheila yet, who’s supposed to return her call. Tammy reminded me not to worry, as I have written permission to be here. I will never go back east.

Still no sign of Moon Shadow, which is so depressing.

I recorded all my albums and 45s onto cassettes. It took me 12 hours to do it, but I believe it’s well worth it. Now I have more room, and in 2–3 years, when my stereo keels over and dies, it’ll be very hard to find a turntable.

I may get a letter from Tammy today or tomorrow.

I spoke to Mom today, who says in a week to 10 days she’ll send a package out. I guess this will be my other guitar, and perhaps I can take that and my little keyboard to the pawnshop to trade them in for a bigger keyboard. I’m going to try selling my records to a used record store.

Next Tuesday, Andy will be gone to his sister’s in San Francisco until the following Saturday. So, I guess he’ll be gone five days.

7:21 AM

I just wrote letters to my nieces and Tammy. Tammy said she’d send journals, but it may be inconvenient. If it is, she’ll send me money. I’m going to send her the portrait of me that the apartment complex is taking as a free Christmas gift to the residents.

Andy and I went out to the mall yesterday, where I bought two journals. I now have 35 journals altogether.

I’m surprised I haven’t heard Andy get up for work. Did he oversleep? Who knows.

I am definitely going to lie out at the pool today. I want to have some color for the photoshoot this Saturday.

I met this girl named Sandy there two days ago. She looks butchy. She’s married but tells me she always fantasizes about women. She’s on SS, so naturally we hit it off really well. She’s got medical problems, too.

Maybe I can call Dennis and see if he wants to fix my speakers today. I haven’t seen too much of Randy, and I hardly ever see Tara and Tonya. I hope Kara calls soon.

Yesterday, Andy did what they call pulmonary cupping for 20 minutes. The last few weeks, my asthma’s been worse. After Andy finished, I felt better, but only for a short while. It’s a little better today, as I only smoked half of what I smoked yesterday.

Andy gave me a few pictures of him that were shot while he was at home. There were two identical shots of him picking his nose. He wrote notes on the back of each one. One’s for Fran, and the other will go to Nervous, as well as other stuff like the letters from Kim and Bob.

I also got another poster to color with a black velvet background. This one’s for Andy. I’m also going to sew a button on a pair of shorts for him, too. Today I’ll do my laundry. I did his yesterday.

I’m also going to steal a great idea from him. He hung one of his fancy shawls up over the vertical blinds that go across the sliding door. He hung up a silver/gray one. I’m going to hang up my black one with fringes that he gave me before he came out here to Phoenix.

Very, very soon, I must tackle all the editing I have to do. I’ll also get on with that drawing. I want to send it off to Tammy. Of course, I have more letter writing to do, as always. That never ends, any more than the journal writing does. I’m also going to start typing up that story.

I wrote letters to a few others to whom I normally don’t write. I sent a letter off to Nancy H. She lived in Jai’s place the first time I lived on Woodside Terrace. These are all funny letters I sent. Some have moved, but I wrote to the addresses I last knew of, knowing they’ll be forwarded.

I sent letters to Brenda, Jimmy, and Bobbie. They’ve gotten letters from me before. I also sent one to Grace D, the wacko who lived in Jimmy’s apartment the first time I was on Woodside. Also, Rita, that wacko moved into my first-floor apartment on Locust Street after I moved out of it. Then she moved to Woodside on the first floor. I also wrote to Nelyda (Nellie), the druggie thief on Oswego Street, who ripped me off and several other people. Also, Hank, who lived below me on Oswego Street. Lastly, I wrote to the two sisters, Ana and Julia, who lived on the second floor between Nellie and me on Oswego Street.

I finished off the hair Dad sent between all these people.

8:22 AM

I may or may not have mentioned what I recently did to a local radio station here. I think I did mention calling Kathy and asking her out. She’s one of the DJs. Well, I heard this girl call in a little while ago and ask Ed, another DJ, for a date. She got it. It kills me to see countless people (gay or straight) so easily go up and get what they want. Why can’t I do that? This girl doesn’t know what Ed looks like, but she sounds like she doesn’t care. If she were to meet him and see that he’s ugly, I bet she still wouldn’t care. I envy people like this. I’d give anything to go to bed with people I’m not attracted to and not give a shit. I have no choice.

So anyway, I called the station and told the guy who answered that now that Ed got a date, I want a date with Kathy. He said something about her still dating all kinds of people, and he took my number. I gave the name Lisa, though, and it’s not like she’s really going to call, so it doesn’t matter. It was nice just to call and say that anyway.

4:10 PM

I am watching a talk show now.

Earlier, I was out at the pool. I didn’t get all that much color, though. I was at the pool for almost an hour, and Dennis and his mom were there.

I sewed the button on Andy’s shorts. He came in about an hour ago, slamming the hell out of his door and stomping madly. Now I’m sure he’s watching the soaps he always tapes.

11/24/1992 Tuesday 10:50 AM

Well, I sure do have lots to write about. First of all, I got a new gray and white kitten today! One time, I was over at Dennis's talking with him and his mom when Brian came over. I asked if he knew anyone wanting to get rid of a cat or kittens. Sure enough, he knew these two guys who had several. At 8:45, we picked up the new Shadow, who’s a male and also very nervous, meowing a lot. He’s sleeping now. He’s smaller than the first Shadow was when I first got him. He was six weeks, and this Shadow must be four weeks, making his birthday around the last week of October. This kitty is very long and strong for a tiny kitten. Judging by that and his paws, I’d say he’s going to be huge. He’s the same type of cat that Shadow was, only gray and white rather than orange and white.

I’m going to call Mary downstairs and see if she wants any kittens. The guy asked me to ask people. These guys had a horrible, run-down, trashy, messy, smelly place, and I think they may have abused Shadow. Brian’s going to give Dennis these guys’ number, and I’ll give it to Mary.

Let me take a cigarette break before I begin with the many more things I have to write about.

11:40 AM

Andy flew out this morning, and he was sick, so I hope he’s better.

He gave me a pitiful picture of me that he took a few months ago. I’m sending it off to Bob.

We never sold my records because I was feeling totally shitty that day. My asthma was a nightmare, and three nights ago, I thought I was going to end up in the ER. The records are in his trunk, so we’ll sell them when he gets back.

I was pissed at him this morning because last night I told him not to call me in the morning, as I was going to leave my ringer on for Dennis to call me when it was time to go get Shadow. Naturally, he forgot, and now I wonder if he’ll remember to mail the letter I typed to Barb and Dave from San Francisco. If he’d stop smoking pot, he’d remember more things.

The other day I was over at Andy’s using his phone to call Jessie collect. She was glad to hear from me, and I gave her my address and phone number. We couldn’t talk long because she can’t afford it, but she’ll call when she can and give me her address so I can write to her. I’ll only write if she writes. It’s sad she never got to see me in South Deerfield or in Connecticut. I’ll never see her again, but that’s just life. She’s got a kid, which means she’s got no life.

As I was over there, I glanced down and saw my name written on some application form. I laughed, figuring he was sending me something free in a no-postage-necessary envelope. Then I noticed he wrote, “27-year-old gay female seeks feminine woman. No commitments. Call anytime or middle of night.”

I’m just not sure about this. Bob called, and he said not to worry as it’s free. I told him that’s like my saying, “Bob, I’m going to play with your head, lie to you, and lead you on. It should be OK with you, Bob, because it’s free. You don’t have to pay for me to do this.”

I told Andy when he got home from work that friends don’t let their friends get burned, and that—or nothing—is exactly what would happen. Gay women aren’t what I want, and I’m not what they want. I’m too old to keep playing this game. Plus, I’ll mainly get calls from men or people looking for threesomes. He said if I get a call for a threesome, send them to a bogus address. That won’t work, as they no doubt never intended to see me anyway.

I’ve got to go check my mail, even though I’m sure I didn’t get anything.

7:37 PM

I am watching a movie now, and commercials are on.

I spoke to Nervous earlier, and he was nice. It’s back and forth with him. I told him I may send pictures he can have as well as pictures I want him to send back.

When Tammy sends back my pictures in 10 years, Kim said she’d like me to send them to her to copy, then she’ll send them back.

11/25/1992 Wednesday 2:22 PM

The phone company called to let me know my stutter dial tone was fixed. When someone’s left you a message, you get a stutter dial tone. This way, you don’t have to bother calling the voice message number and entering your code to hear it say you have no messages.

Dennis, Bea, and I went to the grocery store. I only bought a few things, mainly junk food, as usual.

I am making a tape for Kara, who’s been over twice since I last wrote. I am taping songs she wants by the Judds, Gloria, and a few others. I will be at her place tomorrow and on Friday. She’s going to give me tons of hangers for doing the tape and giving her a pack of cigarettes.

Dennis had told me I might be able to have Thanksgiving with him and Bea, but he wasn’t absolutely sure it was to be at his place. He found out a few days later that they were going someplace else.

Then Kara was over the next day, and she invited me over to her place. That’s nice of her. If I’d had to spend Thanksgiving alone, then fine, but this is nice of her.

Her daughter Ashley will be one on Friday. I got her a cute card today, and I’m going to give her a stuffed animal of mine that she always liked playing with.

When I was in line at the checkout, I said something to the effect of hoping I had enough money. A lady in her 50s or so gave me three dollars. That was very nice of her.

Yesterday, Kara heard the tape of Andy trying to sing in Spanish. She sure got a kick out of it. She also heard the tape of Andy and me with Laurie at the crisis center. I also put Andy singing in Spanish and some edits on her tape.

When I last spoke to Bob, he told me he sort of took in a 16-year-old girl named Christina, who comes from a set of strict, bitchy parents. Yes, I can see Bob taking in someone like this. He says he and she are taking a van of their stuff and they’re going to leave. He swears he’ll be out here knocking on my door sometime in February. We’ll see.

I just mailed out tons of letters. I mailed each of my nieces two.

For Chanukah, I’m going to send my parents just a card, which they insist is all they want. For Tammy and all of them, I’m going to send the drawing as well as the free 8 x 10 color picture that’s a gift to the Vista Ventana residents. This is what I began writing about when the phone rang. She took about six or seven shots of me, but I can only pick out one because I can’t pay for any additional copies. On December 5th, we’re supposed to go pick them up.

I got my address labels in the mail last week. The same kind I had on Woodside Terrace. They’re blue, green, pink, and yellow.

Just for the hell of it, I’m curious to see if I’d get a response if I wrote a letter to A Current Affair. I told them I’ve always wanted to be a singer but have no money, no transportation, don’t do drugs, and refuse to sleep my way there. How do I get a clean, honest connection with no false promises who believes in my talent only? It was a short letter that cut right to the point.

5:10 PM

I just finished doing Andy’s laundry.

Earlier, I made myself a delicious steak on the grill. So nice not to have to worry about greasy, messy ovens. As I sat there by the grill, I admired the beauty around me. Everything is so clean, classy, and modern, and the landscaping is gorgeous. I felt 100% safe. No graffiti, ugly old rundown buildings, glass and dope dealers everywhere, trash, fires, and foul smells.

Well, Shadow is gone, and I was never happier to toss him out. This thing never shut up. It was making these ear-piercing screams nonstop. I couldn’t sleep, and my clock radio wouldn’t drown him out. I think Mary has him, and I left a message on her machine to call me. I hope she’ll want him, and I feel so bad it didn’t work out. This cat was horribly shy and nervous. I’ve always had a way with animals, but this one was so scared. For a few minutes here and there, I was able to play with him; then he’d go right back to screaming.

I want Moon Shadow! So calm, so loving, well-behaved, and neutered.

I’m pissed I spent $17 for no reason. I should’ve searched harder for an adult, tame, neutered cat. There were several ads in last Saturday’s paper, but they were all gone. I’m sure I can get lucky with that sooner or later. This cat also clawed shit really bad.

I don’t know if I should try selling the litter box and liners I bought or hang onto them for a cat like the original Shadow or Moon Shadow. I’ll wait till I speak to Mary.

I called Jane through the relay. We’re going to get together after Saturday. Or Friday, I should say.

The night Randy and I walked to the grocery store, I met two guys in a rock band. He (Bill) gave me a number to call a girl, Kathy, about country singers needed. He also may have other connections if I have no luck with Kathy. He’ll call me Monday, but I’m a total disbeliever until something proves otherwise. Meaning, it’s going to take a lot to convince me with all the letdowns I’ve had. I’d have to be in a band for quite a while and see it stick before I believe and have confidence.

Sometime soon, Dennis is going to fix my speakers, and I’m going to fix three of their kitchen chairs. They’re ripped, and he’s going to buy some material for me to sew them up with.

All I have left to write is about this girl, Sandy, whom I met at the pool almost two weeks ago.

Also, the conclusion of the radio story. About what happened after I called about a date with Kathy. After I called the radio station, I highly doubted I’d get a call. But every now and then, you do something as a joke, and someone else takes it seriously. Kathy called, and basically, all she said was that she was straight but would keep my number. She says that in the business she’s in, she meets all kinds of people. She asked me to write down a little about myself and what I look for. I just laughed to myself and went along with it. She asked if I had any suggestions or comments. All I could think of was a radio dating service for both gays and straights. She liked the idea and was going to take it to her boss.

Last subject now. I was headed to the pool when I met Sandy, who was already there. Instantly I thought— butch. Well, she’s married but says she’s always fantasized about women, even though she has yet to be with one. Her husband’s like most guys who encourage that, but would flip if she went with another guy. She’s on SS, so we hit it off. I could sense she liked me because I wasn’t one bit attracted to her, and she’s masculine. Not the ugliest girl, but close enough. I’d give her a three, maybe a four, as I never saw her dressed nicely with makeup and her hair dry.

I gave her my number as I was leaving the pool, and I said to myself, “Due to the fact that I’m not attracted to her, and she’s low-income with medical problems, and God knows what mentally, God will have her calling me.” Now don’t get me wrong. She’s not an Ellie or a Fran at all and does seem honest and sincere. Sure enough, though, she did call.

She told me she’d had a one-nighter with a guy and got a bruise. He wasn’t violent, she said, but I guess they had wild sex. She wanted to know if it was OK to tell her husband she got the bruise with me. I said yes. Then she shyly said her husband encouraged us while she was, as if to imply she agreed. I thought to myself, “Do you want to be celibate forever and wait for the impossible to happen, or shouldn’t you try to settle?”

Well, she was due back in Minnesota the next day. That’s where she’s from. She was going to call later in the evening, as her sister and brother-in-law were going out bowling. She never called, and I’m really glad she didn’t. Again, I’ll stay celibate throughout my life. Thanks to these 200-pound butches. Or the skinny ones, for that matter. I just can’t bring myself to settle.

Her sister lives here, and she also knows lots of butches. Her mom, whom she describes as cool and open-minded, lives in Minnesota. She’s not sure if she’ll ever move to Phoenix.

There’s only one thing she said that doesn’t jive. She says her husband works for Northwest Airlines, and so she can hop a plane here for ten dollars. OK, fine, but no one with that job is going to marry someone on SS. Maybe he’s one of those men who likes his wife at home as a slave. Who knows, but I’m going to go watch TV now.

9:17 PM

I am watching Law & Order now.

Kara called twice. The first time she told me she’d call me tomorrow at noon. They’re eating between 1:00 and 2:00. That’s pretty early in the afternoon, but why not? The second time, she wanted to know if I could bring two big bowls.

I crimped my hair, which looks great now. It’s when I wake up tomorrow that I’ll wonder how it’ll look. I also have a big, fat zit on my cheek.

Mary hasn’t called. Maybe she’s gone somewhere for the holiday.

When the hell is my sister going to close out my account? She goes to this bank all the time.

When will I ever receive the rest of my pictures? I wish my mother would just send me my pictures or admit that she dumped them, knowing how much they mean to me. Also, because it’s something she’s not into and makes her think of something she can’t bear—me being a singer. And hey, what resembles my dream the most of all the stuff of mine that went to Florida? Gloria’s pictures. I wish Dad had sent all my pictures. He and Tammy can be trusted, but Mom’s a different story. I truly believe she dumped them but won’t say so. Instead, she’ll say what she said before: there were no pictures. Bull.

She can be a real controlling, angry, jealous, negative little bitch. When will the little fuck ever grow up? At 61, I guess it’s too late.

Well, as usual, I still have a lot to do. Still have massive editing, a drawing to do, and the unicorn I’m coloring for Andy. Also, letters to write and a story to begin typing.

10:50 PM

Rachel just called. She wanted to borrow the pool key, which also opens the laundry room door. She said she felt bad calling only when she wanted something. I told her not to worry since I trust her. She said I could spend the holiday with her and Peter, but I told her I had plans. She looked beautiful, and she really is sweet. I wish God would let me have a one-nighter with a girl like her, but I know He never will. Only straight girls are this beautiful and feminine, anyway.

11/26/1992 Thursday 8 PM

Today was a very nice day. I fell asleep around 2:00 AM last night. At 7:30, I woke up needing to take my meds. At 8:30, I woke up for good after having a series of really weird dreams. Then Jeff put his music on. He was only there a while, and he sure meant it when he said he’s never home. He’s only been there three days in all the time I’ve lived here.

9:45 PM

Now, I’ll finish with all I did today. First of all, I had a great time with Kara at her place. Her mom, Alana, and Alana’s ex (Kara’s stepdad), Rick, were there. We all had good conversations with each other and some laughs, but Ashley was an obnoxious little twerp. The turkey, stuffing, and fruit salad were great. Alana also made yams with marshmallows. I’ve never heard of that any more than I’ve heard of a fish sandwich with peanut butter. It was good, though. Stacey and her husband and her son Justin came over as I was on my way out. Justin’s sure grown quickly.

Kara came and walked me over there so I would learn the way. I walked back myself, and it is very easy to find, as Kara said it was.

Their apartment is beautiful. The one- and two-bedroom units there and the landscaping aren’t as nice as here, but it still blows what’s available back east away.

I spoke to both my parents. Mom sent a box out and said they were combining my birthday and Chanukah presents. I hate that and said, “Why couldn’t you have been busy around this time of year so I could’ve been born in the summer?”

Dad said, “We were busy; you just didn’t hatch.”

Mom said, “Very funny, Art.”

Mom said I could call her on Tuesday. Then she said, “No, not Tuesday. When’s your birthday?”

I asked, “You don’t even remember the day you made the biggest mistake of your life?”

So anyway, she told me to call them Friday between 8:00 and 9:00 my time. Dad jokingly said, “We’ll pay for the call, and that will be your birthday present.”

I told them I got three offers for Turkey Day. I told them about Dennis, Kara, and Rachel, who offered to let me spend Turkey Day with her and Peter. Dad said something about eating three times, but I don’t think so.

So, tomorrow or Monday I’ll get a box between my birthday and Chanukah.

I can’t wait to get that Bedazzler thing I sent away for. It’s this thing that lets you put studs and jewels on clothes.

11:07 PM

As I mentioned earlier, I spoke to Tammy. She can’t get around too well with her leg in a cast, and they didn’t do much for Thanksgiving. She said she was going to send a card and some money to me and that I’d definitely get more letters since she’s held up in the cast.

I told her I sent two to each girl and mentioned the drawing. I also asked if she’d like the picture taken here. She said, “Yeah, that’s what I want.” That’s good, as I wouldn’t know who else to send it to. She also copied some of those pictures, and they’re on their way back to me, and so are the negatives. Next, I’ll send the pictures to Kim and the negatives to Nervous. Meanwhile, I’ve sent Nervous about seven that he must send back and three for Fran to keep. When Nervous returns his, they’ll go to Bob.

Lastly, I spoke with Lisa for a few minutes. She sounds okay, I guess, then said she was in her room finishing up a letter to me.

I love getting letters for three reasons. One is to read them, naturally. Two is to copy them into my journals. Three is to send them off to Nervous, Fran, or whoever.

Guess I’ll go to bed now.

11/27/1992 Friday 1:23 PM

I hope UPS comes with my package today, but I doubt it. I’ll probably get it Monday.

Kara hasn’t called yet, but I guess she will any time now.

This building has been so quiet. Andy’s gone, and it looks like the Andi next to me is gone, too. That noisy family of four next to Andy moved out two weeks ago.

I finished that drawing finally. I’m not too impressed with the way it turned out either. Some things were well-proportioned and realistic, and others weren’t. Tammy, Bill, and Becky didn’t look too cool, especially their faces. I’d say Lisa came out the best. Next, I’ll finish coloring in those unicorns for Andy. That certainly is much easier. At the present moment, I have letters to do for Bob, Fran, and Nervous. This weekend I’ll write to my parents, Tammy, Lisa, and Becky. Then, the only other two things are editing and the story. There’s no hurry on the coloring, so now I guess I’ll do some letters.

Judy in the office gave me an envelope large enough for the drawing and the 8 x 10 photo.

7:39 PM

I got back from Kara’s almost an hour ago. Stacey, Justin, and Alana were there. Then Kara and I walked down El Camino and some other street where we met a friend of hers named Tammy, whom she’d known for seventeen years. Tammy also had her boyfriend and her baby, Mystery. That is an awesome name.

Anyway, we had chocolate cake and ice cream, and Kara walked me home.

Earlier, I did some coloring and a little bit of typing.

No package today, and I’m not sure if UPS delivers on Saturdays. My dad had said I’d probably get it Monday anyway. Oh well, I’ll just have to be patient.

I’m really bummed out that that kitten turned out to be so obnoxious. I have to find a tamer, calmer, loving, neutered cat somehow. I still want a cat, and I spent seventeen dollars on supplies, which is a lot of money to be spending and throwing away on nothing. It is for me, at least.

TV’s boring now, so I think I’ll listen to music, finish my letters, and possibly start all that editing.

11/28/1992 Saturday 11:07 PM

Well, I did end up listening to music, and I also wrote tons of letters. I also finished coloring for Andy. I taped it up on his kitchen wall.

Now this fucking TV guide has bullshitted me twice. First, it said Hunter was going on now, but I’m not so sure. Charlie Brown was also said to be on earlier, and it wasn’t. It was even advertised on the cover of the TV Times section of Sunday’s paper.

Around 6:00 PM, Andy got back from his trip. The poor guy was sick all the time and couldn’t even enjoy pigging out like he wanted to. He did tell me he saw tons of ugly butches while he was getting my birthday present.

Kara called from Brian’s trailer.

Rachel also came over last night around midnight with my pool key and a thank-you card that said, “Thank you so much for letting me use your key. Have a great weekend.” Now ain’t that sweet? She also had a little present for me wrapped in tin foil—a picture that’s hard to describe of a girl standing on a cliff with a long flowing dress. I sent her card off to Nervous.

Speaking of Nervous, well, I’m not too sure, but it looks like I forgot to mention that I spoke to him. He was friendly, but as always, it’s back and forth, up and down, left and right with him. You never know what mood he’ll be in from one day to the next.

I’ve got two letters done for him, almost two for Bob and Fran, and I finished letters to Kim, my nieces, Tammy, and Mom and Dad. All those weirdoes and wackos—Grace, Nancy, Rita, Bobbie, Jim, Nellie, Hank, Brenda, Ana, and Julia—should be getting their letters soon if they haven’t already. Of course, I don’t hate all of these people named above. For the most part, the purpose of their letters is just to freak them out and make them wonder who the hell in Phoenix could possibly be writing to them and what all the mumbo-jumbo could possibly mean.

11/29/1992 Sunday 6:15 PM

Andy came crashing in a couple of hours ago. He left me a message, but every time I call him, I get his machine. Every time I don’t answer, he runs and shuts his ringer off. Well, I was in the Jacuzzi when he called. I was also in it earlier with Jeff and the pool, too. It’s still a little too cool for the pool, and while it is heated, it’s not heated enough.

Now for some bad news: Jeff’s moving out next weekend. What a bummer. You never know who they’re gonna put in there next. I asked Paula, who said she didn’t know, but of course, she knows. I’ll die if it’s a mom and a baby. I’m sick of having to listen to and deal with kids around me. Andy’s lucky he doesn’t have weekends off. All he’d do is hear them scream all weekend long. I’d rather a pervert male move down there if I had to choose between the two, ‘cuz that’s a problem I could take care of. I also hope this person isn’t noise-intolerant themselves and that they don’t complain about me. Hopefully, they’re never home either. The perfect person to put down there would be a deaf woman, but that’s a dream for sure.

Jeff gave me tons of hangers, which is a tremendous help with no dressers. I even hung my bathing suits to empty yet another duffel bag. Jeff also popped my popcorn in his microwave and is going to give me a plant.

One last hysterical, funny thing Jeff gave me was an envelope saying: Herpes Test Results – personal and confidential. Guess who it’s going to? Not Nervous, nor Fran or Bob. It’s going to my parents. This oughta be hilarious.

6:47 PM

Tomorrow I’m sure I’ll get my package. I’m psyched. Will my pictures be in it? I doubt it.

Dennis, Bea, and I went to the store. I bought my five-gallon container of water, TV dinners, and a few munchies. I also got a book of stamps. I put ten on the package to my parents, who have those geeky, baggy grandma clothes she sent last summer to the other apartment. I put two on the envelope to Tammy, in which I’ll mail my photo and drawing. I also must mail my $31.41 phone bill soon. I dropped Mom’s package off at the office. Isn’t it nice that they give things that don’t fit into the little mailbox slot to Pete? In all the other places I lived, you’d have to take stuff like that to the post office.

Well, now I’m gonna go check out what’s on TV.

7:31 PM

I am watching I Witness Video now.

Andy called, saying he was going to Fry’s and asked me if I wanted to go along. I told him I went earlier. He’s getting the paper, so I can have the TV-Time section and look at the cat ads.

8:37 PM

Now I’m watching a movie. Andy gave me the TV-Time section a little while ago.

I’m gonna make a TV dinner now, ‘cuz I must take my meds on an empty stomach. I want to take my meds in an hour and a half, so by then my stomach will be emptier.

9:26 PM

Well, I’m still watching the movie. There’s half an hour to go. Afterward, I’ll clean up and finish Fran’s letter.

Today was a nice day, and they say it’s going to warm up for the next few days.

During the next commercial, I’ll write about something I talked to Andi about (the girl next door).

11/30/1992 Monday 12:20 AM

I am far from tired, but I do want to stay on a day schedule for a while. So, I’ll allow myself to be woken up by the lawnmowers. I won’t turn on my clock radio when I crash. I hope nothing else wakes me up too early.

It sounds like Andy’s in his bathroom, but his ringer’s off again. I hope he’s not sick. He did mention that he still has diarrhea.

Believe it or not, I finally did some editing. I have lots and lots more to tackle, though.

I left four messages on Andy’s machine, and you have up to three minutes for each message, but the fourth one only went halfway. So, all in all, I did about 10–11 minutes of editing. Of course, it took me about 20 minutes to do them since I had to set up everything and listen carefully to time everything. We have each other’s codes, and I called his machine to play back and hear how it sounded. It’s much clearer hearing them played on my stereo, naturally.

He gave me some no-postage-necessary envelopes. Well, they were cards, actually, for a magazine called Phoenix. I sent subscriptions to Mattie, Ana, Fran, Nervous, Bob, Kacey, and Hank. I’ll have to look in the book to see if that liar April is in it, or her parents, at least, match up her “old” number and mail all kinds of shit to her. I can play games, too.

I wonder if Tammy has finally spoken to Sheila? At least I know my pictures are on their way. I’m gonna be turning around to send them right to Kim, of course, but she’ll get them back within a few weeks. The ones I’ve asked Nervous to return will go to Bob.

My nails look like shit. I wonder if the Theodur I take can cause those ridges? I know I had them somewhat as a kid, and I know my parents have them somewhat, and maybe it’s hereditary. The Theodur must enhance them. I’ve eaten poorly way before they got this bad, which was when I began the Theodur.

I’m really pissed that I’m not tired, but I’ll go see if I can fall asleep anyway. I’ll write about my chat with Andy tomorrow or later if I can’t fall asleep.

1:15 PM

I woke up at 5:30 AM, went to the bathroom, got a drink of water, ate a cupcake, and smoked half a cigarette. At 9:00, the lawnmowers did wake me up, but I fell back asleep till 11:00.

I hope UPS will be here any second, but I did get a package from Kim. I got a really pretty candle in the shape of a pyramid with three colors: a soft blue-green color, pink, and purple. I’ve lit the candle and it’s burning now. Inside the candle, there are supposed to be some crystals and possibly other stones, too, I guess.

I also got a porcelain cover to something (I don’t know what) that I’ll just use as a knickknack. It’s got tiny little flowers on it in different colors. The candle wrapper was like a bag tie, but it was purple foil with purple foil stars on it. I taped it up on the side of the cabinet by the sliding door.

I also got a little cosmetic bag with a Chinese design on it. I already have tons of cosmetic bags, so if Andy wants it, he can have it.