Apr 1990

4/1/1990 Sun. 1:13 PM

Last night I just watched a little TV, then talked with Jai for a while.

I spoke with Tracy, too. I was totally impressed with her drumming. She used to play the drums, and so she drummed with her hands on the table when she was here to some music, and it was great. I hope she'll be the drummer in my band someday, because not only is she very good, but I also like the idea of a female drummer, even though she's a butch. A major butch. So, so ugly, too.

My rhythm has always been my weakest area of music, but I sure can easily see when someone else has it down pat.

Earlier, I went to the store I work at to get a few things and chatted for a few moments with Carl, who owns the place with Louis.

I'm gonna try to sleep as late as I can because I have to be wide awake tomorrow for therapy, then I'll be working tomorrow.

4/2/1990 Mon. 5:30 AM

Well, when I finally fell asleep yesterday, I had been up just about 24 hours, so I'm wide awake now and not too stuffed up since I slept with my humidifier on. I'll just have to watch the cigarettes. I slept from 6:30 PM to 2 AM. Then, around 2:30, I called Andy, who was talking to his friend Brian, but he went to sleep right after he was done. He's got to work today.

Andy left a good 10 minutes or so of his pitiful singing on my machine, but it was so funny. I strongly believe, though, that if a person loves to sing, they should sing, whether they're good or not.

I briefly spoke to Steve, but he was talking to someone long-distance, and then he went to bed, too.

Why the hell is everyone awake when I'm asleep and dead to the world when I'm awake?

Nervous left a message on my machine saying he'll call me today. I haven't heard from Jessie or Fran, and I guess Tracy's in Philly till Wednesday.

Well, Dad's birthday is Thursday. Same day as court. I sent him a tape I made of songs from Linda and Gloria. Side A is Linda. Side B is Gloria.

I've got therapy at 10:00, and when I get out, I may meet with Hank. He called yesterday, as he does now and then, and he sounded good. Says he misses my music and temper tantrums.

7:30 AM

I started making a Gloria medley. Right now, I'm listening to a tape of Fran calling Nervous, trying to convince him that Nervo's line is cutting off his and pretending to be the phone company. This is from last summer when he had a phone. I can hear Nervous getting so Nervous, choking on his breath and spitting as he swears at Fran, and Fran swears back, saying he's gonna send the phone company out to his apartment.

Maybe I'll call Emily and see if she's up. I haven't heard from her in a long time, of course, but what else is new? How often does she call me anyway?

9:50 AM

When am I gonna get the bus schedule straight? I stood outside at the stop on my street for 15 minutes needlessly. I should be there at 9:15. Oh well. Fresh air never hurt, and I couldn't fucking breathe. Of course, I forgot my inhaler.

I hope to hell Hank remembers to show up so I can eat first, before withdrawing cash. But either way, I have to pull out cash because my food stamps don't come till the 11th, and I need food. Badly. Very badly.

4/5/1990 Thurs. 2:30 AM

Well, a few things have happened since right before therapy last Monday. Therapy was off to a rough start, but then it ended fairly well. Martha's really nice and she really does care, but she doesn't quite understand me as Trisha did.

Hank didn't show up, so I got a little cash and went to McDonald's myself.

Tuesday, I received my fuel assistance check for the month of February and am still waiting for January and March.

Today I went down to see Dr. McGovern, and he's given me amoxicillin for 10 days. Already I feel a great difference! Thank fucking God! I have a sinus infection and bronchitis due to major congestion.

Jessie and I called Ma because Jessie wanted to ask her if she still has any of those French-cut bikinis left, like the black and blue one with glitter I have. She wore it when we went to the hotel. Ma sounded very grumpy and snobby. I guess she's been sick and she herself is on an antibiotic. She said Dad got his tape.

I left another message on the 900-line. My main intention is to hurt people and screw them over. I know it sounds cruel, and I don't want to do it, but I feel I have to. I feel it's owed to me. It's my turn for once to lead people on.

4/7/1990 Sat. 7:21 AM

I had a very good talk with Dad on his birthday. He enjoyed his tape, the card I made him, and the pictures I sent him that Kacey took. Yes, Ma still sounded quite grumpy. Tammy said she did, too.

OK, I just put on a tape of Juice Newton in the kitchen.

Can you believe it's snowing out there again? Anyone who lives around here probably can. I mean, that's New England for you. We've been having crazy weather.

Guess what I got? Another guinea pig. This one's huge!! Ten times bigger than any other one I've had before. I named him Tiger because that's what his big, furry face reminds me of. He's so unusually friendly and calm, though, just like Toffee is. They seem to like each other, too. They're each in a 10-gallon cage right next to each other, where they can see each other.

It's a lot easier to clean two small cages rather than one big one, and a 10-gallon tank is certainly too small for more than one pig. I got him yesterday when I was out with Jessie.

I went to Food Fart with her, then we went to Friendly's and couldn't resist getting one of the egg and cheese specials, so I got one, and I was fine! I'm thrilled! Plus, I really do feel much better since I got the antibiotic. Yes, I'm still a little stuffy and congested, but I will be as long as I continue to smoke, and who knows if I'll ever quit? It's great not always having to take my inhaler, though, or feeling like I'm gonna suffocate to death or have a heart attack.

I wonder what's up with Steve? I haven't heard from him in a while. Jessie says he changed his schedule. I gotta call Tracy and Fran and a few other people today. Nervous will call later. He called yesterday, but I was asleep, so the machine got it. Later, I'll write about the piano and that 900-line.

4/11/1990 Wed. 10:45 AM

I am at the store now. Louis has finally gotten his full-time trucking job, so now I'm here full-time, Monday-Friday. I just finished calling in the milk order. I got here at 7:30, but last night I didn't fall asleep till 3:30 because I'm a night person and the fucking drug dealers wouldn't shut up. What is this neighborhood coming to? It’s getting to be just like Oswego Street!

Ito, this 12-year-old kid who's skipping school, is here with me. We played a game of concentration. He's a nice kid. The store sure is dead, though. Everyone's either in school or working. Maybe when Carl's here at noon to get Ito to go shopping for store supplies, I can run up to my place to get some laundry. The washers and dryers are good here, and I've got nothing better to do.

I wonder if Nervous will stop in later? I told him he could.

Dotty just stopped in. She works weekends and after I leave at 5:00.

4/12/1990 Thurs. 7:45 AM

I was about to write, then had to stop to wait on a few people. Now it won't pick up again till noon and right around 3:00 when everyone gets out of school.

Both Andy and Nervous stopped in yesterday.

I hope everything's OK with Steve. I know he’s been working his ass off at the base like crazy because of an inspection. But last night around 9:30, as I was trying to fall asleep, my doorbell rang. It was a cop who gave Steve a summons. For what, I have no idea. This cop was nice, and I could tell he liked me, but if I were straight, I could never get a cop. I never could get people with certain jobs like lawyers, doctors, or anything like that. And women seem to want ugly or plain-looking women.

Andy says that yes, butch wants fem, but fem wants fem, too. Well, that's not what I've noticed. That's why Stacey wasn't interested in me. She wants butchy. I'm glad, though, that that's the way it turned out because she wasn't my type. Again, she's not ugly, but she doesn't turn me on either. We had met at Andy’s NA meeting (Andy’s a pothead), and I’m not really cool with the idea of seeing an alcoholic, anyway.

4/13/1990 Fri. 8:50 AM

Good God, was I tired this morning! I didn't fall asleep till almost 3:30 again. No noise kept me up. It's just that I'm a night person. Always have been, always will be.

Yesterday, I wouldn't wish what happened to me on my worst enemy. Just the rapists and murderers. I had the worst period cramps in a long, long time and had to leave yesterday at noon. Maybe it's cuz I've gained 5 pounds. Shit, it looks like I've gained 10, and I think I have a hideous shape, although people think I'm nuts when I say that. Anyway, the more I weigh, the worse my cramps are.

I'm really enjoying this job, even though I sit here doing nothing 90% of the time. I see no difference between sitting at home and sitting here.

I spoke with Steve and Jai briefly yesterday, and Steve should be stopping in soon. His ex-wife is really doing a number on him, or trying to, and in this case, I have to admit it's the woman who's fucked up.

Although I'll always be attracted to women, and we all know they're far less brutal than men, I'm starting to be a little turned off myself. I don't trust them as much anymore. I mean, they're supposed to be calling the 900-line cuz they want to meet someone, right? So, why do they always give you the wrong number then? Or no number? Or set up a time to meet and not show up? What's the fucking point? Do they just get a kick out of leading someone on? Well, it's my turn now. If this girl Lisa shows up this Sunday, that is. She sounds pretty sane compared to most, and I like the idea of someone not too close (she's from Fairfield, CT), but I'm just not ready to get involved, and if I ever am able to get involved, it's not gonna be for many, many years. Maybe occasional sex here and there, but that's only if we click right away and if she's gorgeous, though I doubt I'll meet someone all that gorgeous unless she's straight, gay and taken, or gay and not interested. But either way, it's not worth the hassles, and I find I really want to be alone more and more as time passes. I'm so used to it, too. And again, I'm usually too moody. I get scared. I know it's bullshit if they say they care and have feelings for me. And they don't want to get to know you. They'd rather watch TV, go to the movies, read a book, eat dinner, and meanwhile, you remain very calm and say nothing about yourself and don't dare mention music, cuz it's in one ear and out the other one. You simply talk about your sexual appearance; if you speak about yourself at all, then they're gone.

11 AM

I feel so much better today. No cramps, though I woke up pretty damn congested, but what do you expect when you only sleep 3 hours?

I tried to call Steve, but his computer was hooked up to the phone.

I'm amazed that the second my alarm goes off, I hear it instantly. I'm not on any medication. When I was, I could never wake up to it, but now I can, even with just a few hours of sleep.

Louis is such a nice guy. He and I have the same personal feelings about how much easier it is to be alone. He told me not to tell anyone, but that he was in the funny farm for a while. I told him I was, too. He's very encouraging and cheerful. Practically all my fears of working have vanished. I'm a little tired in the morning until I have my coffee. I like this job even though it's dead. Better dead than a zoo, like I said before. And it's under the table, even though it's only $3.50, but any bit will help. And I don’t have to take buses.

Noon

Well, only 3 more hours to go. I got 19 hours in, so that's $68.35. Payday's Friday.

Dotty's son Chad is here doing his laundry. He has to work after I leave in a few hours. He just woke up. I told him he could go back home and that I'd finish his laundry.

Maybe Betty, the woman next door in the salon, can trim my hair after work. It hasn't been trimmed in 15 months and needs a good inch hacked off. I want it one length. It'll take a while to get it even, but it's a hell of a rat's nest. If I could get a dollar for every split end I have, I'd be rich.

1 PM

Two more hours to go. I guess Andy and I are going shopping later. I hate grocery shopping, though I really need to go. I still have to get my food stamps first.

Tracy, and possibly Bobbie too, are supposed to be coming over later tonight. If for some reason they don't, I'm gonna tell Tracy to just mail the $10 I loaned her. I'm not waiting any longer for it. I should've known better than to give it to her. I'm gonna try and call her now.

4/16/1990 Mon. 9:10 AM

I am at the store once again after only sleeping 1½ hours, but that's my fault cuz yesterday I slept all damn day.

Last night I was so fucking horny for Kacey it wasn't funny. She was fantastic in bed. I wished I could call her up and ask if we could just have sex here and there, but it wouldn't be purely sexual cuz we do like each other and are attracted to each other, and we wouldn't have to spend days or even a whole night together cuz she doesn't want commitment and neither do I. It's gonna be years before I'm ever gonna be ready to consider another short-term relationship. I also know God would only allow me to be with someone very briefly, anyway, like 2-4 weeks, and that's ok, but I hope the next woman is my type like Kacey was and just as attractive, if not more. I'll never be with anyone. I may not have a child, but I don't know for sure. It's too soon to say, but if I ever do, it'll be years from now. But I am not gonna give up my music, no matter what.

People say to me when I'm not singing well, oh, it's only a temporary setback. Well, I have too many setbacks. Why oh why can't I fucking quit smoking?!

10 AM

I can't believe how dead this store is. It usually is, but now it's deader than dead. The kids are all on school vacation; therefore, I figured it would be busier, but I guess they're all sleeping in late. It'll pick up later, though I hope it doesn't. I'm exhausted.

I wanna get laid so bad! To fantasize is always my favorite way, so I can have it just the way I want it with someone gorgeous who accepts me and loves me for who I am, but since the "in" thing these days is just sex, it would be nice once in a while with someone as good in bed as Kacey was and with her personality, too. And looks too, naturally. The day I settle for someone who's both ugly and a jerk, or someone right for me who's ugly, or a beautiful asshole, is the day I win the lottery. Gotta have my cake and eat it too, no matter what.

11:50 AM

I wish 3:00 would hurry the fuck up and get here.

Steve just came in and bought $8 worth of stuff, and I forgot to give him my keys to forward my line in case that girl tries to call.

I called the Harley to see what kind of reference they'd give, and all the general manager said, whom I had never met, was that I worked there and gave the dates. He said he didn't feel it was right to say anything more since he wasn't there when I was there. He also said that if I, who gave a false name and business, of course, wanted any more information, I had to mail him a company letter and then get my permission for a release of information.

Louis said he called there and the manager had said I was a good worker.

12:50 PM

Why does everyone hit the store at once?! I mean, really! As soon as someone comes to the window, someone knocks on the door, and then someone else comes to the window. Or someone comes to the window, and you get them what they want, and then two more people come to the window. Then you ask the first person if that's all they want; they say yes, and you go to wait on the second person, then the first person wants something else. Another thing is that as soon as the phone rings or I go to make a call or to the bathroom, someone just has to come in.

Is God testing my patience?

4/17/1990 Tues. 8:20 AM

Here I am at the store again, and I'm finally waking up fully now. I fell asleep last night at 10:15 and got up at 7:15. I would've gone to sleep earlier, but I ended up over at Steve's, and we had a great talk. He is the most positive and understanding person. Why are all the good people either straight, gay and taken, gay and uninterested, or guys? I know Springfield’s the wrong place to be if you're looking for an attractive, feminine woman who's decent anyway. The whole state is mostly full of jerks, be they male, female, gay or straight.

4/18/1990 Wed. 11:40 AM

I woke up to the landlord ringing the doorbell to check the thermostat, and I looked at the clock that I forgot to set before going to bed last night and said, "Oh shit!" I thought for sure I was fired, and I said to myself, "If you lose this one, you have no one to blame but yourself." But everything's ok.

The landlord said he had to readjust the anticipator, whatever the hell that means. Then I told him I was sorry for the mess in here, and he laughed, saying, "I thought it looked pretty good."

I'm glad he thinks so. I have so much clutter and so many dishes to do. He came in last week, noticed my hall light was out, and changed the bulb, which was really nice.

4/22/1990 Sun. 4:06 PM

I came into the store to relieve Dotty, and just a few minutes ago, Joel came in. I asked him in Spanish if he spoke Spanish, and he nodded. Then about 30 seconds later, he goes, "What did you say?" I said that I had told him that I spoke Spanish too, and he had nodded. Then he said, "I nodded as if it was just anyone speaking, but I didn't expect it from you."

It's amazing how most Spanish people are surprised if an American speaks it. They usually expect it only from other Spanish people.

I'll be here from 3-7.

I ran into Paula at the store the other day, who's a year younger than me and gorgeous, with nice white teeth and dark hair and eyes. She's flaky, though. She's part Italian. She's on disability like Fran, Stuart, Bobbie, and me, and has a 2-year-old son, Robert. I don't think she really enjoys being a mom, though.

I knew her from the Harley Hotel. She bullied everyone but me until she got fired. We were both housekeepers there 5 years ago. I worked there for 16 months. She lives a few buildings away, and I stopped by to see her earlier.

4/23/1990 Mon. 1:46 PM

I’m at the store now. Saturday, I had a blast. I met Paula on Friday, then on Saturday, I went over to her place, as I did on Friday after work.

Saturday night, Andy and I went to the Enfield Mall, where I finally got the jacket of my dreams for $86. It's black suede with fringes. It's beautiful!

4/24/1990 Tues. 8:37 PM

Right now, I am watching Matlock. Next is In the Heat of the Night, and lastly (I hope it's still on), is Midnight Caller.

After work today, I lay out on the back porch, and I did get a faint trace of color. Better some than none.

This Thursday, Andy and I are going to the beach!!! On the way back, I guess we're gonna stop at Tammy's.

4/26/1990 Thurs. 1:30 PM

At last, we are on our way to the beach! We've been dying to get here. We'll be there in about half an hour. I'm totally starving, so we're gonna stop first at the old Cumberland Farms right outside the gate that enters the beach.

I wonder what the fuck Mom and Dad plan on doing with the cottage? I really hope they don't sell it, or if they do, I hope they at least give it to Tammy and Bill and let it stay in the family.

8 PM

My parents do have their cottage up for sale. Andy's is for sale, too.

It was fucking freezing! We were so pissed! I did get some color, but not a whole heck of a lot cuz I couldn't put up with being so cold that both Andy and I put our shirts and pants on, and then we even had to put our coats on too. It got cold fast and foggy, too.

We went to see Mrs. Labriola, an old lady I've known since I was a kid. She looked good, but for some reason, I couldn't help but feel she didn't have too much time left.

After that, we went to the Ames department store in Old Saybrook. I bought two tube tops, a shirt, and Opium-scented lotion, but it's awful.

Then we went to Tammy's. She looks ok but seems stressed out. I think it's got something to do with Bill. Lisa looks great, and Becky is turning out to be so cute!

4/27/1990 Fri. 10:12 PM

I made it to work exactly on time. In fact, I was 3 minutes early. This guy just came into the store that I would've flipped head over heels for if I were straight. He was very good-looking.

Last night, after I finally got home, I watched Twin Peaks and took a shower. You could see I got massive color from the beach. Jai noticed it immediately, but it was mostly on the front side since it was just too cold to lie on my stomach.

1 PM

This guy just came in, and right away my ESP said he was trouble. He came up to the register with two cans of soda, and as I was ringing them up, he quickly snatched my lighter. I simply grabbed his wrist, took the lighter out of his hand, and said, "You want a lighter, you ask, and it's 59¢."

Patrick, a regular customer, asked me if I had a boyfriend. When I said I was gay, he confessed that he was bi and had been to the Pub and the Frontier before. It's amazing how many people out there are gay or bi or have thought about it. Andy would definitely be attracted to this guy. I know his type.

4/30/1990 Mon. 11:30 AM

I just got back from therapy, and I'm at the store now.

We went to the pub on Friday and Saturday night. We saw Kacey. She was dancing with Linda, who called a couple of times, asking questions. I told her like it is—or like it was.

I saw Tracy, too (not Fran’s friend), and we were talking for a while. Can you believe she's still with her lover Nancy?! That's a long fucking time. She said she just got lucky and she, too, was about to give up, thinking she'd never ever get a girlfriend. Yeah, well, I'm still not stupid. I know what's destined for me and what's not.

There were some very feminine girls there too, who were mostly straight, of course. One was both ways, though, but seemed the least bit interested in me. Another girl, who was gorgeous, was with another girl, but she kept eyeing me. She was weird, though, and I don't know if the looks she was giving me were sexual and perhaps violent, too. It looked like it. Or maybe she was on something. People are weird and very confusing. Andy says she was checking me out for future reference cuz she can't be with that girl forever, which may be true, but will God let me have someone looking like that? Even if I got her, she probably wouldn't be around too long and may be a liar, a thief, and a druggie.

Then I met this girl, Cherrie, who's pretty, but she and the guy she lives with, who Andy knows too, are coke addicts, and they're also into threesomes and orgies. No way could I ever dig that!

After the Pub on Saturday night, we went to Longmeadow and egged a dozen cars. When I told Martha about it and why I did it, she was actually amused by it. I told her that since I behave so damn well most of the time, I felt I was entitled. Also, I get so much anger built up inside cuz of the way people are and how life is a lot of the time that I feel the need to lash out periodically. I'm tired of having to be perfect while everyone else fucks up and gets away with it. No more Ms. Nice Girl, although I'll never do a fraction of what most people do.

It's freezing in here. Carl's supposed to be on his way to fix the heater.

Mar 1990

3/21/1990 Wed. 10:35 AM

It's been 40 days since I've written, and I know I should write every day to keep up-to-date and so I don't forget anything, whether it's important or not. If I write daily, I can record not only significant events but also little details. And the little details may not seem so important now, but someday, after a long time has passed and I look back on this stuff, I may see things differently.

I am working now down the street at a little variety store/laundromat called Rub-a-Dub. Of course, it's during the day, and it's under the table at $3.50 an hour. Shitty pay is better than no pay. I wasn't working today, but I stopped in to get some candy bars and some "Lucy's," which is their term for buying just three cigarettes.

I had left this journal last Monday in Martha's office, so I stopped by to pick it up. (I wonder how much of this she read.) Martha looked great.

Andy drove me around today as he had errands to run too, such as stopping at the welfare office for an hour and then cashing his check.

I'm about to drop off to sleep, but first, I have to set the VCR for Unsolved Mysteries.

3/22/1990 Thurs. 3:04 AM

I woke up right before my show, watched it, took a shower, and went out with Andy for a little while.

John R, an undercover cop I know who's also a security guard at Mercy Hospital (where we met), is back from vacation. He left a message on my machine yesterday afternoon before I woke up. I've known him for a little over three years.

One day, I was at the small variety store down at the end of Locust, and the guy there, Louis, who's super nice and fun to work with, hired me. I've only worked about three days so far because I'm waiting for him to leave so I can take over his hours managing the store alone. Basically, those three days were just to familiarize myself with the store, which is very tiny.

Gloria’s in the hospital with a broken vertebra after a huge truck rammed her tour bus from behind on a snowy road in Scranton, Pennsylvania. She was on her way to Syracuse, New York. That poor woman—I love her so much, and I feel terrible for her. She has so much class and is so respected; it just doesn’t seem fair. Emilio suffered a head injury, and Nayib broke his collarbone, but they’ve been released from the hospital. Gloria’s received tons of phone calls, cards, and flowers, and I heard that President Bush even came to see her.

9:25 PM

In about 20 minutes, Andy and I are going grocery shopping at Super Stop & Shop on Boston Road.

Steve called from work, which was so sweet of him. Last night, we had a great conversation, and we’re both trying to quit smoking together. Since 7:30 yesterday morning, he’s had one cigarette, which he said made him so dizzy he put it out. I’ve had two since then, and they made me feel like shit, so we’re both going to keep trying, taking it one day at a time. Steve said he’s going to quit regardless of people smoking around him.

Steve is a pretty positive and supportive person who doesn’t try to knock people’s self-esteem.

Earlier, I fed George, Jai’s cat. Jai’s in Virginia visiting Jenny and will be back on Sunday. They’re both the sweetest people.

3/23/1990 Fri. 4:45 AM

After I came back from grocery shopping with Andy, I ate dinner and went over to Steve's. I gave him tips on all kinds of stuff, like hair, makeup, and nails, and even filed and buffed his nails, which he really liked. Then we showed each other pictures from photo albums.

In just over 21 hours, I’ve had about 5 cigarettes, and he’s had maybe 3. I’m really not craving them that badly, and those 5 were 98% psychological. I think my mind is smart and strong enough now to muster the willpower because my lungs and nose are worsening by the day. As time goes on, you get angrier and angrier about feeling so lousy. And then there’s my singing to worry about, too, along with saving money, gaining weight, and improving my complexion and blood circulation. It’s amazing how much time it’s taken to realize the price of smoking—it’s no joke anymore when one day your lungs say, “I can’t take this anymore! Quit!” But then again, I’m not surprised; it took me years to wean myself off Navane. Years ago, I never thought I could stop cutting my wrists or that I’d ever make so many personal strides, except for my temper.

The only thing I know that can never be is a loving relationship with a woman. As for having a baby, I don’t know yet. I do hope so, but that’ll probably never happen either.

3/24/1990 Sat. 1:49 AM

Right now, I am on the phone with Andy, making prank phone calls.

Last night I was over at Steve's and finally fell asleep at 7:30. Then at noon, there was a car accident on Locust St. No one was hurt, but I never went back to sleep, so I went down to the store and hung out for about three hours and played cards with Louis.

Before I went to the store, I talked to John, who just got back from Daytona Beach and sounded in a great mood and revived. He needed that vacation.

I'm gonna go listen to music and then try to get some sleep. I'm just totally exhausted. Andy's still gonna be up all night making calls, so I told him he could leave them on my machine. He's got 30 minutes' worth of tape. He'll have a field day.

3/26/1990 Mon. 6 AM

Yesterday I slept all day and woke up at 9:00 last night. When I awoke, I saw that Jai was back, so we talked a while, then walked up to Lil' Peach on Belmont, came back, talked a little more, and then Jai went to bed.

Last night I knocked on Steve's door, but I guess he was asleep. Earlier, he had sounded as though he was upset about something.

Andy and I made phone calls last night till 3:00, and I'm staying up till after therapy.

I never did write about what happened with Kacey and me, or about this girl Stacey.

Well, I didn't fuck Kacey over, and she never fucked me over, but we got scared off of one another because we're so used to being alone, and I guess Kacey wasn't quite ready and her feelings weren't that strong for me. I definitely know, though, that it was more than just sexual, but I also know she never quite got over this girl, Angie, that she was with for four years.

I also think it was God once again having me dumped by one of the decent ones because love just wasn't meant to be for me. Never has been, never will be. I will never, and I repeat, never, get involved again because it's just not worth it, and I do like to be alone 80% of the time.

I'll write about Stacey later.

9:40 AM

I am now at CC. I have 20 more minutes till I see Martha.

Linda just walked by, and I get so embarrassed every time she does because of the phone calls I made to her about a year ago. I don't know if I wrote about it, but I called and hit on her. At first, she didn't know who the hell I was, but then she recognized my voice.

I'm starting to get pretty tired. I just want to go home and climb into bed, but first I'm gonna call Stacey and have a word with her, and eventually, I'll write about her. I also have to call John, too.

3/27/1990 Tues. 2:18 AM

I'll try to write as much as I can about happy things, but right now I don't feel too cool. I'm lonely, I guess, and the usual battle with smoking is driving me crazy. I feel I'll never be able to quit, and my asthma and constant congestion are a nightmare! It's really scaring me. Oh well. Whatever's meant to be will be, no matter what I do or don't do.

Saturday, I get paid, and I'm swamped with fucking bills! There are things I need and want that I'll never be able to get for a very long time.

Yes, I really do want to move to CT and get the fuck out of this city, but I'll miss my friends and neighbors.

I had a really good session today with Martha. I'm starting to feel more comfortable with her, although I still miss Trisha. Martha sure is one hell of an attractive lady.

3/31/1990 Sat. 7:38 AM

Last night I was over at Andy's for a few hours watching TV and listening to tapes, and I've finally finished all my editing!! I edited all those phone calls with us crossing people, and with Fran and Nervous arguing, among a lot of other shit. I'm also gonna continue to work on the funny edits. What I mean by the “funny edits” is when I take either one word or a quick sentence that's funny, such as Nervo swearing or getting Nervous, or Andy, Fran, or me saying something funny, and tape it over and over a few times so it sounds like a broken record. It's totally hilarious. I don't think I ever wrote about this before.

Currently, I have someone on the phone who's been on now for well over an hour, of course not saying anything, so I've played them the edits and other shit over the phone. I wonder if they're still listening or if they fell asleep?

Feb 1990

2/4/1990 Sun. 5:30 AM

This week, Kacey's shift is midnight to 8 a.m., and I've been at her place all night after we had a romantic dinner by candlelight of fettuccine noodles, London broil steak, sautéed mushrooms, and baked scallops. Then after that, we took a bath together, also by candlelight.

"For once, the romance hasn't been wasted," she said. As mature and as decent as she is, she's had her share of jerks, too. In fact, because we've only been getting jerks for so long, we broke up for a few days out of pure fear and shock. We just caught each other totally off guard.

Suddenly, though, all of my fantasies are coming true! Everything I've always wanted to do, or the person to be like in my fantasies, has come true and is here in this woman! It totally blows my mind. And I am very attracted to her sexually. She's proportioned beautifully, has beautiful hair, does her makeup nicely, and has the attitude, maturity, and stability I've always wanted. My background and music are no problem at all.

She's had some problems with her family too, as a kid, and her two best friends, Jules and Cathy, who are lovers, work in a group home for adults. Jules and Cathy look like typical lesbians but seem super nice.

Kacey's the type that you feel so relaxed with and like you can just be your fucking self. She's very understanding of all kinds of people and a great judge of character, like I am, but you're out of her life if you fuck her over. She knows I would never do that to her, and I feel she'd never do that to me either.

Tomorrow I'll write more, and God knows I've got tons of shit to write about, which is both good and bad, but mainly good for once. It’s about Andy, Jessie, my family, more about Kacey, and this 38-year-old, wild but funny woman named Tracy. And Fran and Nervous, of course.

2/5/1990 Mon. 7 AM

Last night I had a blast! I mean, I had the time of my life with Andy and Tracy. First, we went to Denny's and were waited on by Sue, and we saw Jayke. A few nights ago, we went there too and saw Bonnie.

Then after that, we went to Nervous's. At first, we were slightly obnoxious, then Tracy got him alone in the bathroom to try to con some money out of him, but it didn't work cuz he has no money right now since he just finished paying his rent. He's working now at Feinstein's Leather with a guy named Dick. I went to school with his daughter Jamie.

So anyway, Tracy's a great con artist. She's from Philly, which she has to go back to tonight cuz she has a court case dealing with a woman she conned into giving her her bank card and PIN. Guess she stole a few hundred bucks from her. It took Andy and me a little time to trust her, but we now know for sure she'd never fuck us over. Not the people she really cares about. Only the suckers like Nervous.

While she was in the bathroom with Nervo, Andy and I went through his stuff, and Andy rearranged the pictures on his walls, then stuffed one of them under his loveseat. I wonder if he found it yet. Then Andy went to open one of his desk drawers, and it went crashing to the floor. Nervous came flying out of the bathroom like a bat out of hell and then kicked both Andy and me out, saying we broke his drawer—which is true. Well, actually, Andy did. I was nowhere near the drawer, but it was so fucking funny! Andy was trying to blame it on Sasha, saying she got scared and jumped under the desk and he was just trying to help her, and I'm thinking to myself, "What a great excuse."

So while Tracy was still up talking with Nervo, Andy and I were going through some papers we took in the car, but they were complete junk. I still haven't found anything yet, like phone bills with long-distance numbers on them. Only statements reminding him of how much he owes, but he says that by the end of the month, he'll have a phone again, which I won’t believe till I see this happen.

Kacey's home. Bye.

2/9/1990 Fri. 7:35 AM

Before I get to the most important things I want to write about, I have some things to say about Fran and Tracy. They are so Goddamn unpredictable! One minute they're all lovey-dovey, then the next they're one fucking explosion! A few weeks back, Fran was off his rocker big time, and I mean big time. He could not take the slightest joke or tease. He'd scream at Andy or Tracy or whoever about such petty bullshit. I'm not sure if it had to do with the fact that he was off his medication or just tired, but sure enough, just as things were going pretty well between me, Mom, and Dad, Fran had to go and fuck it all up. He called down there, saying I was prank-calling him, and of course, Ma believed him. Andy told good old Dureen all about Fran to defend me, and he also spoke to Tammy. Even so, the bitch wouldn't speak to me for a few weeks, and when I called there, she was rude, saying things to Dad in the background, so finally I just took the blame and said it was all my fault to make things easier, but Kacey said I should've never done that and that she'd never do that.

2/10/1990 Sat. 5:53 AM

Last night I had a pretty good night with Andy at Denny's, and Andy's got a great possibility of being rehired now that Crosby's gone. I'm not sure if I'll ever be rehired, but I sure could use just 2–3 nights a week, so I'm not always so broke and could afford to shop here and there, and so I can go to the beach this summer.

Andy doesn't want to be friends anymore with Fran and Tracy cuz he's just as sick of their lies as I am. They tell lie after lie, and Fran stirs up so much trouble for Andy and me, and Tracy lets him cuz she's so afraid of what this guy Mike, who she claims is the greatest guy, is gonna say or do to Tracy when Fran repeats things Andy or I tell Fran. It's all such petty bullshit. Neither Andy nor I need or want any hassles from people who are so screwed up and lie, and Tracy's a major con artist. We don't hate them at all, though, and I'll just continue to be friendly if they call. I can relate to them somewhat, of course, cuz I was once as fucked up as they are, but Andy and I are not gonna put up with any hassles, and we're certainly not gonna keep running round and round in circles with them forever. That's for damn sure.

I'm gonna go get a bite to eat cuz once again I feel slightly feverish and on the verge of a cold cuz of these extreme temperature changes that never quit.

Jan 1990

Springfield, MA

Age 24

1/13/1990 Sat. 10 AM

What luck and a change of cards! And all within the change of decade. Why couldn't the '90s have been here sooner? On the night of December 10th, I had my first encounter with a woman named Diana. We had a one-night stand. I didn't know it was only gonna be a one-night stand, though, cuz I didn’t know she’d never call back or return any of the messages I left with her sister, but I'm sure glad it turned out the way it did, cuz God or whatever's up there had better plans for me. I think Diana was simply for the initial experience, even though I'm gay and I've known it since I was born.

Diana was part Black, part Puerto Rican, and only 20 years old! I usually like them to be older and more mature than 20. She was 5' 4" and a little chunky, but feminine. You wouldn't know by looking at her that she's gay. She was once married to a guy and has 3 kids, which she says helped her to really mature, and I believe that, although that's quite young to have 3 kids.

At midnight, on the 28th of December, Andy and I went to the Pub where I noticed this girl with hair down to her waist who was also feminine. I mean, she doesn't always wear as much makeup or jewelry as I do, or the kinds of clothes I wear, but you would never suspect just by looking at her that she's gay. As Andy pointed out, though, she sort of looks like she’s still living in the '70s with her cords and long hair, parted in the middle.

So we started talking, but very briefly, cuz I guess she was caught off guard. She too had been wondering if there were any feminine women out there who didn't drink or do drugs and who also weren’t assholes. So we just danced for a little while.

That night, I learned her name was Kacey, that she’s 29, 5'4" tall, and 115 pounds.

1/16/1990 Tues. 9:15 AM

I have so much to write about since I haven't been writing regularly. Last time, I didn't even get a chance to finish writing about Kacey, as I've been busy, busy, busy.

Kacey (Kathleen Marie) hates the name Kathy, which is a very common name, so she likes Kacey instead.

She works at a huge chemical plant as a chemical operator, which she's done for 6 years, and doesn't really like the people there, but says it's good money. She'd really like to get into photography someday, which she's really good at. She showed me tons of pictures she's taken, and they're really good. She can draw, too.

We've been spending a lot of time together, and the time varies cuz she works rotating shifts. This week she's on from 4 pm to midnight.

Dec 1989

12/2/1989 Sat. 1:20 PM

Well, I am now on flight 777, and to hell with Springfield for one solid week! I had no problems taking off, either. I didn’t get nauseous or dizzy, but my ear is blocked. Unfortunately, though, it is extremely cloudy. I cannot see any houses or cars or buildings. The captain just said we’re at 35,000 feet up and most of the flight will be over water. Here, up above the clouds, it is very fuzzy, but down below me, it’s all clouds that kind of look like snow. When I look straight down, I can see the same spot for ages, so it looks like the plane is really moving a lot slower than it actually is.

Andy brought me to the airport. It was very easy at the counter and boarding. It’s just as simple as taking the bus.

I just read a letter he wrote me that he ordered me not to read till after takeoff. It had a lot of our funny lines and sayings in it. I’m gonna miss him, and I know he’s gonna go nuts and be bored out of his mind without me, so he’ll probably leave funny messages on my machine.

2:15 PM

We’re still at 35,000 feet. It’s amazing how smooth this flight is. Last time, I could barely write.

I just polished my nails, which I didn’t get to do cuz I was up since yesterday at 5 pm and fell asleep this morning at 7:00. I didn’t get up till 10:50 when Andy called for the third time. Thank fucking God I heard the phone that time.

I’ll probably polish my toenails when I get there and iron this skirt of mine that’s pretty wrinkled. I did all my dishes except for one, which I just rinsed out, and a few pieces of silverware. I also never changed my bed. I did vacuum, clean the bathroom, bring out my garbage, and do most of the important laundry.

Now the question is, what did I forget? Well, if I forgot anything, I’ll figure out just what it is when I get to Florida.

The captain says we won’t be arriving in West Palm Beach till around 4 pm. Luckily, I have a direct flight this time. The captain says it’s 79º, but I still can’t see anything but clouds.

The stewardesses served soda, coffee, and peanuts practically right away. Now they’re serving lunch.

The plane’s getting a little bumpy now. We were over Virginia Beach about 10 minutes ago.

I’m so happy. I really need this vacation, and I really think this time I’ll enjoy it and my parents. I can’t wait to see them.

I just received lunch a short while ago, and it was gross, but airplane food sucks, anyhow, just like hospital food. I just ate a little rice and carrot cake.

At Bradley, before boarding, Andy bought me lunch just like he bought me dinner at Denny’s two nights ago after going to Annie’s, a straight bar where he has friends who constantly come into Denny’s. He also gave me a $20 bill, so I wouldn’t have to stop at the ATM. I’m gonna really make all this up to him. He tells me I’m gorgeous a lot cuz I’ve really improved my looks, my hair, my clothes, my figure, and he says, “You are so beautiful that I can’t believe you’ve never been with a woman.”

Is that why I never get hit on by them? Andy’s gay friend Nancy says I’m cute but too troubled. Gee, thanks! Guess she’d rather the druggies. I deserve someone so much more than 95% of the people in this world, but I’ll be alone forever, so better to just accept it now rather than freak out about it. People look at my bad points and never my good. Or they misunderstand me or exaggerate my bad points.

Andy says that the reason why people are afraid to hit on me is cuz I’m so good-looking that people feel intimidated and threatened by my looks, so they can go for the ugly druggies all they want and live happily ever after.

My Mom better not give me any hassles over my bathing suits or makeup or my other clothes. She’s got to realize that styles change and different people prefer different styles and that it’s not the clothes you wear but the person underneath.

9:48 PM

I arrived at the airport at almost 4:00, and I feel so much better in my lungs and nose. The air here is so much cleaner, and already it’s easier to breathe, and I know I could sing my best right now, but my mother, of course, would have a heart attack. I can’t wait to spend some time alone with Dad.

We went out to eat, and I got a hamburger; then we went swimming at the pool that has a whirlpool. Tomorrow I want to go to the other pool with the beach behind it, but as usual, cuz I’m here, I think it’s gonna be overcast and chilly. From now on, I really ought to come down in April or September.

10:45 PM

Believe it or not, I’m still wide awake but very relaxed. It’s weird sleeping with Mom and Dad a few feet away, watching TV. See what living alone for 4 years does to you? When they go to sleep, I’m sure I’ll sleep fine. I did the last time.

I’m so thrilled at how much better I can breathe. Springfield is so fucking polluted. I mean, really, and you don’t realize it till you get down here. I would give anything to live here. This island is so beautiful and so peaceful. No drugs. No crime. No troublemakers or typical males. It sure would be hard to meet other gay women in this area, but I’d give my fucking life to live here. There’s no way I could, though. Ma would never consider it, and I could never do it on my own. Of course, not till I get famous, and what about Andy? It’s just so easy to breathe, though. Could have a tan and wear bathing suits and tank tops and shorts year-round. No heavy coats. No gloves. No hats. No boots. I could breathe, but it’ll do me no good to even dream about it. See, I know medication isn’t the answer. I need to be in a beautiful place like this with the beaches. Then I’d never think of a lover. I’d do just fine by myself.

12/3/1989 Sun. 7:30 PM

Today we went to a flea market, and I bought a gorgeous bikini that I saw in a catalog for over $40 for only $15. It’s almost like a leopard kind of print, and it’s a French cut, which means it’s high-waisted and makes you look like you’ve got longer legs. It’s cut just perfectly, with the perfect fit.

I also got some postcards, which I’m gonna write and mail tomorrow, and one of those huge elastics with lots of cloth on it. The one I got is blue denim.

And last of all, I got a beautiful necklace. A short, thick gold chain with a red, shiny glass stone in the front.

Andy called today to say he misses me already and that he’s got the next 5 days off cuz Crosby’s been giving him shit again, and he and I are going to the labor board for damn sure. He says he’s so lost and bored without me. I wish he and I could live down here. I told him I could never begin to describe how beautiful it is here and that he’d have to see it for himself, but sure enough, it’s quite chilly today and will be till Wednesday cuz I’m here. Am I cursed or what? Tammy called earlier and was laughing her ass off at me cuz of the weather I have to put up with when I want to lie out in the sun and get a tan and go swimming.

I sang several songs for Dad, which he enjoyed, and he says he can see me as a singer someday for sure. He also has this feeling that I’ll be making big bucks someday, and that it was meant to be.

I asked Mom if she thinks I’ll ever have kids, and she said she didn’t know.

12/4/1989 Mon. 5 PM

Well, I’m 24 today, and I still feel as young and as fit as a really young kid, still filled with energy to run around all day and be hyper and obnoxious at times, but in a fun way.

I still can breathe so much better here, except it’s still a little rough, of course, in the mornings and late at night when I’m tired. I feel no loneliness or boredom or anxiety here, but Mom still can be the usual nag she always was.

I was at Mom’s store today helping her out, and she gave me a one-piece bathing suit that is pretty, but I’d rather wear a two-piece, so I can tan my stomach and not look like an Oreo cookie.

Ma’s being a total bitch right now. I could swear she just told Charlotte I looked like a slut on the phone in her bedroom.

Earlier, Dad and I fished from the dock, and I was able to get a little sun, but it’s chilly now.

Dad’s out cooking steaks on the grill.

12/9/1989 Sat. 7:20 PM

Once again, I’m on the plane and headed home. I can’t wait to see Andy, and I sure miss my music. The only thing that pisses me off is that I’ve got a lousy cold, like I knew I’d be getting sooner or later. I just didn’t think I’d get it before going home. I got it the day after my birthday.

Ma gave me lots of clothes and jewelry for Chanukah.

I sang for Dad several times, and he says he can definitely picture me on records and tapes someday, and he’s got the feeling now, stronger than ever, that it is my destiny and was meant to be and will happen.

Nov 1989

11/9/1989 Thurs. 10:10 PM

Well, once again, I’ve seemingly been severely punished by God, but I knew it would happen; I asked for it, and I’ve paid the consequences. It all comes down to trying to find love and romance again. And for once, I’m not the least bit upset by what I’m about to write about, cuz like I said, I expected it all the while knowing damn well that you cannot fight God and what’s in the cards for you. I’ve known since the day I was born that my sole destiny in life was to be a singer. Not everyone can have their cake and eat it, too. Some things are meant to be for some people and some things aren’t. Besides, you can’t mix love with the music business, as demanding as it is. Especially with the fact that most people are jealous of musically talented people, and they feel like you’re superior to them, so they feel threatened by you, and they run. Also, people are scared of people who are attractive cuz they fear they’ll lose you to other people.

What happened was that I called this number where you leave a message about yourself for other gay women. You can also leave messages for men, or a man can leave a message for either another man or a woman. I was supposed to meet this girl named Amy tonight here at 7:30, but she never showed up. Then, at around 9:00, I went to return a phone call to someone named Cathy, and the number was out of service, so I know for sure what God’s been trying to tell me. To be alone or be with a man.

11/15/1989 Wed. 12:46 AM

At 2:00 this afternoon, I have to meet with Eric (Mr. Attitude) about re-enrolling for next semester, which isn’t till next February, but better late than never again. I had to drop out cuz of bronchitis at my doctor’s advice, and he gave me a note, although for the last 3 days I’ve been feeling better. My nose and chest had been driving me crazy for so long and still do if I smoke too much or strong cigarettes like Marlboro. My new doctor, Dr. McGovern, is a super nice guy with a great sense of humor and really is trying to help. The only thing, though, is that the antibiotic the ER gave me never worked. Then Dr. McGovern tried two more things that also never worked. One of them made me puke, but as long as I go easy on the ciggies, it is considerably better. I just don’t have what it takes to quit yet, but if I did, it would certainly help 100%. I will someday. I still don’t know if I need shots. I doubt it. One thing I do know for sure from when they did the preliminary allergy testing is that I am allergic to cat, dog, and horse dander as well as dust, mold, and dust mites, but I’ve known that since I was a very young kid.

5:55 AM

I got restless cuz I had run out of ciggies and was dying for one, so finally, at around 4:00, Steve got home from his job at Westover Air Force Base and gave me some. He’s the black guy living across the hall.

I left a message on the school’s machine for Eric to get back to me about rescheduling our appointment cuz by 2:00, I’ll have been up 24 hours and need to sleep.

If Andy doesn’t go to school in February with me, although I really think he wants to go if our classes aren’t scheduled around the same time, then I’ll have to go elsewhere. It’d be nice to get someone who goes to homes, cuz here I have my keyboard and all my tapes, but I doubt it. Guitar or piano lessons are one thing, but I’m quite sure voice teachers don’t go to people’s homes. Especially the good ones. Also, no matter where else I go or if someone comes to me, it’ll cost me a fortune. Voice lessons just aren’t cheap, but what is?

Andy should be home in the next half-hour. Then I can tell him I’m going to Florida from December 2nd to the 9th, and also that Philip and his new girlfriend, Maria, are taking me to see Gloria on November 29th at the Hartford Civic Center. That’s my Chanukah gift, and a leather mini skirt is supposed to be my birthday gift. He says he’s gonna take some pictures of me since I have no recent ones of myself and that I’ve never looked better in my life. I’m a perfect 10 from head to toe except for my being slightly bow-legged, my crooked teeth, and a few zits. I break out before my period.

I leave on December 2nd at 1 pm on flight 777. Philip’s gonna take me to the airport. When I return on December 9th on flight 570 at 9:25, Marty and Ruth are gonna pick me up. Phil’s gonna call the airport in advance to make sure the plane doesn’t get canceled like the last time.

I’m looking forward to having a good time with my parents, and I really think I will this time. We’ve had a lot of talks and have gotten along much better for a while now. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that Mom, Dad, and Tammy really see that I can sing and that the talents I have achieved instrumentally, too. I sang for my sister on the phone, and she was shocked. It was the first time since Thanksgiving last year that she had heard me. She’s been so supportive of it and really wants me to move down still and be with her, and she wants to help me with my singing and to find someone, and it’s not a bribe. She really means it, or else she’d be the last person to suggest it or get involved in any way.

11/16/1989 Thurs. 8:24 AM

To finish my story of what happened when I called that number to try to get to know other women, I learned that most of them were just out for sex, just like men. Today, there is no such thing as love. The thing today is strictly sex. Two people gave me wrong numbers, one was supposed to be here last Thursday at 7:30 and never showed up, one left a message on my machine saying she’d call me back but never did, one called to leave a message and never returned my call, some guys called me about threesomes with their wives, and 3 different times while I was in the middle of talking to either boring women or women just wanting sex, the line was disconnected and I know they didn’t hang up. It was more like a case of divine intervention.

11/19/1989 Sun. 3:18 AM

The morning before yesterday, at around 10:00, I got this call from a girl named Margaret. I was tempted to hang up on her at first, but we ended up talking for over two hours. By now, we’ve talked on the phone for a total of 6 hours. She seems very, very friendly and honest, despises drugs, and wants to settle down with someone the right way, with no lies or cheating, and she thinks along the same lines as I do. Everything I want, like, don’t want, or don’t like, she agrees with.

The only thing that bugs me a little is that her accent is like Mary D's and she’s from Westerly, Rhode Island, but that’s minor as long as she’s Miss Right and is attractive, but that’s my biggest fear right there. Is God ever gonna allow me someone attractive, even if they’re right for me? No way!

I mean, she sounds far from ugly and is definitely gonna be many steps prettier than Mary or Linda, but she tells me she’s not feminine and doesn’t wear makeup, earrings, or skirts and dresses. There have been some women who were between butch and feminine that I found attractive, but not many.

Well, maybe God will bend the rules this time, but I doubt it. I am gonna be honest with her if she doesn’t turn me on sexually, which I think will devastate her from the way she sounds. I mean, inside, she seems like all I’ve ever wanted, but outside, I just know there won’t be any physical attraction.

Oh God, please change the rules and let me be attracted to her! Please!!

She’s gonna be here tomorrow at around 10:00 after a 2-hour drive.

She has a good-paying job and makes good money, which I’d never use her for; she likes the same kind of activities, loves to cook, says she’ll be behind my music career 100% of the way, wants to get married someday and possibly have a child, weighs 120, is 5‘6”, but her hairstyle kind of sounds like that of a butch. She says it’s getting long and is going to continue to let it grow, and all of this is great, but I just hope to God I’m as attracted to her as she’ll no doubt be to me.

11/29/1989 Wed. 5 AM

Sure enough, Margaret turned out to be not quite as ugly as Mary or Linda, but she wasn’t too much prettier, either. A definite butch, too. She had nice teeth and ok eyes, but her hair was disgusting.

She was very hyper and nervous, and I feel bad for her cuz she really did mean well. She is very friendly and honest, and she just wants to settle down with someone and love them and be loved in return. I think she’d be good for someone and would never hurt them, but I’m fucking sick and tired of getting all the ugly ones! Why me, huh?!?! Am I that ugly myself?

I give up. I hate bars, and it just wasn’t meant to be. At age 23, if you’ve never been loved by someone decent and attractive, then it’s never gonna happen. Even if I got someone fairly decent, they’re still always ugly. Does God consider it a sin for me to be touched by someone I’m sexually turned on by? Does he also feel that I should think that looks aren’t everything? They aren’t, but what good is having a decent and compatible lover who’s so ugly?

Well, to change the subject, I’m not going to Gloria’s concert tonight cuz Phil had some financial problems and needed money for his business.

I want to call Florida, where Estefan Enterprises is, to see if I can get a tour book.

I can’t wait till I leave this Saturday. I really need a break cuz I’ve been feeling like complete shit both physically and emotionally. Hopefully, this vacation will revive me till I have to come back to my boring life. Since I can’t work and have nothing to do, especially with Andy working 3rd shift and sleeping in the daytime, and since I can’t be with anyone, I’m going crazy.

Tammy wants me to move down with her, and I really think I will cuz I’m losing my energy. I have no motivation to do my music or to do anything, really, and I won’t even mention my sleeping and eating habits. I need my family now for sure.

Oct 1989

10/4/1989 Wed. 3:25 AM

A few things have happened since I last wrote. First of all, I didn’t speak to Andy for a few days, and he admitted to being a jerk at times and that he’s had other friendships that he’s lost, but he says he still knows his future lies with me. I know I sure couldn’t live without him, and as he says, God connected us for sure. We have so much in common besides the music business. Right now, we’re on the phone calling all the people on the list we made last April with the funny names.

10/18/1989 Wed. 3:30 AM

So much has happened since I last wrote. Well, first of all, I’m just starting to recover from what was a massive case of the flu that turned into bronchitis. For 4 days I felt like I was literally going to die, so Steve brought me to the ER where I was given a breathing treatment and put on an antibiotic and was told the next time I ever get a cold or the flu to get into the ER right away cuz I have asthma and allergies and they complicate each other and the flu gets worse along with my breathing, although I’m starting to feel much better now, I’m still pretty stuffed in the nose and ear.

Andy and I have been getting along pretty well, and he says people at work are dropping hints that Crosby’s on his way out the door. I want the job back, and Andy feels there’d be a good chance, but I doubt it with Demeter.

Today I have music theory. Tomorrow I have court, and at 7 pm, if I’m not as stuffed up, I’ll be auditioning for a band, which I’ll write more about later. Friday, I have therapy. My therapist, Martha, is super nice and very pretty in some ways. She’s kind of quiet, though, unlike Trisha.

Sep 1989

9/1/1989 Fri. 7:47 AM

I am still wide awake after going to the Pub last night with Andy, then over to his place to see an old special of Charlie’s Angels. Kate Jackson was just as gorgeous as I remembered her to be, except the clothes were hideous back in the 70s, with those hideous bell-bottom jeans.

God and our grandparents sure were with us once again last night when a drunk driver came flying out of nowhere through a stop sign as we were cutting through side streets from Belmont Ave. to Sumner Ave., and we just missed hitting this car by only inches. We would’ve been dead for sure, and Andy had kept saying he had this feeling all night that we’d have a close call with death. This is why I’m terrified to drive. If it had been me driving, I’d have panicked and not hit the brakes in time. There are so many crazy drivers out there, especially at 2 am when the bars close. He’s an excellent driver. I’m not able to be as alert as he and most people are, and I observe everything around me besides just straight ahead. He always wears his seatbelt, but that time he didn’t, and after that close call, we both buckled up. We just weren’t meant to die, I guess. We both know for sure why we’re alive.

I asked Andy why I’m not ugly or butch-looking since I’ve been ordered to be celibate by God, and he says it’s for my career. He’s probably right. When I said God forbids me from having sex with an attractive woman and that it can only be ugly dykes or men, he said I could have sex with a good-looking woman, but that I couldn’t have a relationship cuz of my chemical imbalance, and I agree for sure.

We went to the Springfield Denny’s for breakfast, then did some errands, got my refill on Navane, and I’m gonna go to bed cuz he’s gonna be here at 6:00 to do his laundry.

9/4/1989 Mon. 6:17 AM

The night before last, I got a phone call about Nissan. I talked to two women. I know the first one I spoke with was definitely Linda, asking about Jessie, Andy, and Tony. Whoever the hell Tony is beats me, unless she’s talking about Tony the cop. The second person I spoke to knew Nissan for sure and mentioned some of the shit that happened with us, saying she’s out to get me and that she’s talking about me to everyone, and that she investigated me and knows I’m a pain in the ass and that I’ve been arrested, in institutions, and so on. She says that Nissan’s been having a hell of a field day at my expense, as if that hurts to know. Then, she said she wanted to meet me and that she understood my fears and concerns, after asking me a million questions and saying she didn’t know Julie and only knew Nissan vaguely, and that she was just a passenger at the time when she heard me go off and then apologize, saying I didn’t take my meds, which I don’t remember at all. Then she said that she thinks Nissan’s an asshole and she wants to meet me cuz she’s also a victim of society, foster homes, and assholes; then she’d swing back to the Nissan’s-gonna-get-you routine.

She sounded very butchy, and I sure as hell don’t trust her, and I think she’s pretty pissed about my not wanting to meet her. I wonder what Linda’s explanation about all this will be. She was definitely the first voice I heard, but I'd never heard that girl with the younger, higher voice before in my life.

I know this was tied in with Nissan, but now I know Linda’s involved, too. I wonder if Linda knows Nissan. And how do they know about my record? Did I mention it to Linda? Maybe she is a cop now, or cop-connected. I don’t know if I can trust her now. Is this for not being interested in her after she told me she thought I’d make her a good wife before I moved back here?

I taped the whole thing, but couldn’t tape the first one I got several weeks ago cuz I didn’t have this recording device before.

9/16/1989 Sat. 1:40 AM

I start music school tomorrow! Tomorrow’s my theory class from 3:30-4:30, then Wednesday’s my piano class from 11:30-noon, and voice is from noon-12:30. I’m really psyched, but my breathing’s really pissing me off. I got a scholarship, but cuz they only have so much scholarship money to go around, I put off the guitar for a while.

Jessie did convince me, however, to check out HCC. I know I didn’t give it much of a chance, but that’s cuz I didn’t want to have to take all the other stuff that’s required with it and was terrified of all the paperwork, but she says it’s a cinch and that the extra stuff is easy as hell.

Also, we were discussing the possibility of us moving to Easthampton, where there’s no waiting list for subsidy, and that’s not a housing project-type building like Carabetta. It allows you to choose wherever you want to live as long as the landlord accepts it, and you can have up to 5 bedrooms even though it’d be just me, her, and Wyatt, who’s now 16 months old. She is the only other one I could live with besides Andy, even though Andy and I have more in common than Jessie and I do. However, Jessie and I don’t have this tension between us like Andy and I do. Well, I’m not gonna do anything unless I’m 100% sure of it, and if I do, it won’t be for a while.

The other night, Jessie and I went out for Chinese food, and I teased the shit out of her over her $300 phone bill, which got disconnected. Her adoptive father is Big Bird of Sesame Street. You’d think he’d want to help her out more often. Anyway, she said she’ll call me from a payphone or school or her Mom’s house.

Dad was all psyched about school, and I think he realizes now that it’s important to me to do only what I love, and he definitely feels I’ve got what it takes.

They’re supposed to be sending me some clothes by UPS.

4:32 PM

Well, they screwed up my schedule at school, so I missed my fucking piano and voice class today, thinking I had theory class instead. I spoke to both my piano and voice teachers, and they sounded super nice and said there’d be no problem making it up.

I haven’t heard from Jessie yet today, and there’s no answer at Andy’s. He’s probably asleep, and I don’t wanna call him if he’s up watching All My Children, his favorite soap, and interrupt him.

Seeing that last night was a Friday night, I was hoping that Linda and Nissan and company would call, but they never did and they probably won’t again. I really wish they’d call, though, and I never should’ve let Linda see the recording device cuz that may scare her from calling. I’m just so curious to hear what they could have to say next.

Hank from over on Oswego St. called last night and today, but I didn’t feel like talking to the drunk. I wonder how long it’s gonna take him to wake up and get the hint without me having to break his face.

9/17/1989 Sun. 11:35 PM

This morning, I woke up feeling somewhat like I was developing a cold, but I think it was just the usual stuffiness I wake up with due to smoking and allergies, and I still haven’t been eating well.

Tomorrow I’m going grocery shopping, which I hate. I’d definitely rather clean and do laundry.

9/21/1989 Thurs. 10:48 PM

I had quite a hectic day. I went to Food Mart and waited an hour for a taxi, which never came, so finally, after waiting ages for Andy, who’s such a wonderfully considerate friend, he came in a rental car with Nancy, a gay friend of his whom I had never met before. I finally got home, then a few minutes ago I called to thank him, and he screamed, “Fine! Forget it!” in a really snotty tone.

I am really sick and tired of his shit and his expecting me to be in a perfect mood 24 hours a day and never say anything depressing or negative. This is why I don’t associate with or meet people. I’m tired of kissing ass to the good, decent, stable people and having to watch everything I do or say. I am who I am, and if people don’t like it and I’m not good enough for them, then they’re not good enough for me, and I’m not gonna just settle for the mental cases and desperados.

Otherwise, after getting home and everything over with, I was feeling pretty good, and Jai cooked us hamburgers, green beans, and chicken noodles for dinner.

Aug 1989

8/1/1989 Tues. 12:36 PM

Work was a bitch last night cuz fucking Guy and Rob just don’t know what the fuck they’re doing as cooks. They had 10,000 orders, and some people waited for half an hour for their food. I wish there were more cooks like Jayke.

Jayke and I definitely have to get together sometime soon.

This woman cop who came in last night was so nice and so attractive.

I tried my best to go to sleep and I couldn’t. Probably cuz I slept so much the last two days and I’m very hyped up.

I got my shopping done and Jessie’s coming over later. Tomorrow, after another fun night at Denny’s, Andy and I are going to the beach. I hope to hell I get more color. It’s already August.

8/2/1989 Wed. 11 PM

After work this morning, Andy fell asleep till almost 1:00, so we didn’t arrive here till almost 2:30. I was exhausted, so shortly after we got here, I fell asleep. I only slept 2 or 3 hours, though.

I called Tammy, whom I’m gonna see tomorrow, along with Lisa and Becky. She’s gonna make me that big gold chain.

We called Nervous and kept the sucker on the line for ages. He’s not answering now, so he probably got smart and unplugged his phone.

We went to this really fancy restaurant and the bill came to $40. Theresa T was working there. We knew her when we were kids at the beach. Her Mom died. Both her parents are gone now, and she’s only 21. She looks just as pretty as she did as a little girl.

Andy’s sleeping now. I just finished listening to music, and we’re supposed to go to the beach and climb our rocks, but I don’t know whether to let him sleep or wake him up. I’ll give him a little more time. He’s no doubt exhausted even though he slept this morning. We both didn’t get enough hours of sleep. It ain’t easy working graveyard while trying to remain active in the daytime. I guess I’ll lie down myself for a little while, and I hope Nervous answers his phone later, the little sucker!

This room we’re in is so small. I like Ho Jo’s much better and so does Andy.

8/3/1989 Thurs. 4 AM

Well, I just had the grandest time calling people and billing the calls to Nervous, since the asshole won’t answer his phone. He’s got it unplugged for sure. What took him so long to pick up the hint of what we were up to? He probably won’t plug it in till tomorrow, or this morning, I should say, at around 7:00, when he goes to call his mommy.

I made a call to Fran, but as usual, he wasn’t there. He’s probably at Bobbie’s. I also called Anne and Harry B, my foster parents from when I was 16, but gave them the silent treatment. They were great foster parents. It’s just that they’ve ignored me ever since I left them. Makes me feel a bit slighted.

I’ve tried several times to wake up Andy, but it ain’t doing any damn good, so I guess I’ll try to sleep for a few hours. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it beach time, but since I can’t, I’d better sleep, or else I’ll be dead tired.

5:50 AM

Can you believe this fucking shit! I still can’t sleep. I haven’t been sleeping much lately. Either I sleep too much or hardly at all. I’m on such a screwy schedule. I gotta start eating and sleeping right, and why the fuck did I ever have to start smoking again after 3 fucking days of quitting! I’m so pissed! I’m so short of breath, and all stuffed up, and my singing sucks, and I still don’t know for sure if it’s mostly smoking and maybe also allergies too, or what. This definitely is not caused by Sasha, and I want her back! It’s a curse from God! I’m so fucking wound up and one pissed-off motherfucker!!!

8/5/1989 Sat. 9:18 AM

The beach trip went sucky. I was nothing but a bitch to Andy and did nothing but complain and be negative. I don’t think we’re gonna be friends much longer, and this is what I mean by how I lose decent people. I’m really only good right now for other mental cases that do nothing but complain and talk negatively.

I thought I had learned to keep my problems to myself and my fears inside so I don’t burden anyone or bring anyone down with me, but then I had to fuck it all up at the beach. I’ve learned that no one can cheer a person up and that the person has to cheer themselves up. I’ve also learned that talking about your problems only depresses people and brings them down with you, and it’s gonna be very embarrassing to have to face Andy on Sunday night next time I work. I don’t want to quit the job, though, and of course, I don’t want to end our friendship, but I feel it’s best to cuz he’s only gonna end it someday. I haven’t spoken to him since Thursday night, and I’m really proud that I haven’t called him. Makes me feel stronger. Talking to him is gonna do absolutely no good, and if I want this friendship to continue, I’m gonna basically have to kiss his ass and be in a good mood all the time and always talk all the time positively.

8/11/1989 Fri. 6:08 AM

Life has really changed for me since the last time I wrote. Well, I finally decided to see Mario Fernandez, an allergist, and end this misery once and for all. Fernandez showed me an article saying that skin puncturing is not accurate for sure, and that it is not impossible to test for cat dander, as Walker had said, and that testing by blood is better. But it costs $425, and my insurance won’t cover it, but I knew that to get a good doctor, I’d have to pay, rather than see a quack who accepts Medicaid. Medicare pays for the shots, but not the blood testing. I think I can avoid shots in the end. The doctor said I have 4 choices. The first one is to take Seldane and not have Sasha, and of course, he wants me to quit smoking. If that doesn’t work, the second step is shots; the third is freezing my nose to bring down the swelling, and the fourth is straightening my nose cuz it’s slightly crooked.

Yesterday, his nurse called me and said that when he took my cultures from my nose, they found an infection, so yesterday I started both the Seldane and an antibiotic, and already I feel a difference! I think I’m gonna be able to avoid the last 3 steps. I’m gonna be singing real soon like never before, and Mom feels I can do without shots, too.

When I told Andy, he said, “I wonder how long this infection’s been going on?”

A long, long time, and cuz I put off dealing with it, it spread throughout my whole body for many, many months.

8/14/1989 Mon. 2:45 PM

Believe it or not, we’re on our way back from the beach, and we took Nervous, which we’ll never do again. It was more fun to rank on him over the phone and ring up his bill. We were gonna dump him off, but after a half-hour or so, we went back and got him. He didn’t misbehave all that badly; he was just a little hyper, of course. He sure as hell was our slave, and it was so funny. The guy’s a major sucker.

Andy says, “I wish I had a sucker like him to use and rank on.”

We have so much fun antagonizing him.

As far as a sunny day at the beach - ha! It’s raining and cloudy.

8/22/1989 Tues. 7:14 AM

So much has happened since I last wrote, which was quite a while ago. Sometimes I can’t get in the mood to write. Starting with when we took Nervous to the beach, which was the last time we were there, which was hilarious as all hell. Well, after we left Ho Jo’s, we told him to wait outside so we wouldn’t be caught with him and have to pay extra. We took off without him, and then when we finally came back to get him, he was in a pickup truck with this guy Andy thought was a hunk, and was about to get a ride to the beach. So then later on, after we left the beach, where Tammy was in her usual pissy mood, and Lisa looked really upset (Becky’s too young to catch on yet), we dumped him several times and made him walk up the street where we’d drive up to. We stopped at a pizza place, and then afterward, we did the same thing. The guy is a major sucker! You should see the way he stared at my body the night before in the hotel. All I wore was a thin, see-through half-shirt and underpants.

Work was hectic last night, but I made $60. Today, pervert Nervous is making a $122.75 deposit and also getting me wrappers for quarters, nickels, and dimes. This week’s paycheck will be bigger cuz of my raise, and next week’s will be even bigger cuz it’s for 4 days.

I met another referral from the service named Eunice, which, of course, was a major turn-off. She was pitifully ugly and seemed very stuck-up. The guy she brought with her, who was also gay, was better looking than she was. We all went to a fair, and she basically ignored me the whole time. She was rude and butch-looking, but that’s typical of what God sends my way. I was far from upset by it, though, cuz I knew it was coming.

My allergies still drive me nuts and probably will continue to for a year or so cuz that’s how long it’ll take to get rid of the dander. Eggs and cheese, I am definitely allergic to, for damn sure.

Otherwise, things have been ok. Had a couple of lousy days, but life’s never perfect, and I’m only human. I had a good talk with this new guy, Dick, on 2nd shift, then with Tom on the graveyard shift at PCS (Psychiatric Crisis Services).

I am trying to get into Hamden District Mental Health Center here on Pine St., but I’m still waiting to hear from them for an intake. CC is out of the question. They despise me and will never return any of my phone calls, and just to get even and say “fuck off,” they sent me a bill I don’t even owe.

Thursday at 2:15, I’ve got to see Fernandez again for X-rays and to figure out what to do about my infection. The antibiotic (Augmentin) he gave me was too strong, and I got wicked bad dry heaves.

8/24/1989 Thurs. 1:13 AM

I had a really fun evening, and the only thing in the way was my usual allergies and just feeling slightly drained from not eating too well lately due to feeling so miserable. Tomorrow I’m going to see Fernandez, and we’ll see if I get anywhere with him.

Before Fernandez, Andy’s gonna take me to Saratoga Drug to get my $67 in food stamps and then bring me to the doctor. After that, I’ll go straight to Food Fart.

I’ve got to call and tell SS right away, which I keep forgetting now that I’m working.

Tomorrow, Nervous is gonna make a $90 deposit, after which I’ll have around $653 in the bank, and soon, my $502.39 and more tips and paychecks.

Speaking of my fun evening, well, Nervous brought me a phone recorder from Radio Shack, where you can record phone calls. There’s a little suction cup you place on the headset of the phone with a small black cord, and the other end of it goes into the microphone jack on a tape recorder. It wouldn’t work on my box cuz the jack was too big. This one is 1/8”, so I had to get back from Nervous the tape recorder I gave him a couple of years ago. Hopefully, he’ll get himself a new box soon so he can play all his tapes. I’ve really gotten him into music. He’s hooked on Joan Baez, and I’m making him more tapes of Gloria and the Judds music.

So, anyway, we recorded some crosses we made with these two confused black chicks and a few other people. Me, Andy, and Nervous were all over here, and Fran was at his place. It was funny as all hell cuz these people thought the lines were really crossed!

Notes that Andy and Nervous wrote:

Listen, I don’t mean to sound like Chin Fatt Kong, but I hope you won’t kill me for writing in your book. I just wanted to write and say I love you! You know I really, really do! Love, Andy

To Jodi - You, my very talented young friend, will make it big in the music business someday, maybe even sooner than you think. Love You, Kevin

8/28/1989 Mon. 2:11 AM

Well, last night I was very cruelly and very wrongfully fired by Crosby, and even Andy’s pissed at him for what Crosby did to us before, and wants me to tell Demeter the facts or go to the Labor Board if that doesn’t work, but I’m not gonna even bother. They’re not worth the bother, and I’d rather try getting into that music school I forgot to mention. Hopefully, I can get in on some kind of grant or scholarship.

It’s at the Springfield Community School of Music, which is great, so I won’t have to take math or English or any other general bullshit that is required at Holyoke Community College. Hopefully, I can major in voice and take piano and guitar, too. I don’t know how it works there, but I’m going there on September 5th for enrollment. If I get the financial aid, I sure as hell hope they don’t fuck me up as they did at La Baron. But if I get in, I’ll be doing what I love to do rather than hair and nails, which I only care to do for friends, family, and myself. I only hope they don’t try to say they can’t accept me cuz of my allergies and asthma.

Speaking of that, Fernandez gave me another antibiotic called Amoxicillin, which is helping quite well with no bad side effects. Also, I must have shots for 2-3 years, but it’s worth it to end this misery so I can be healthy and sing well. Of course, I still wish I could quit smoking and know it’d help tremendously, but I’m not gonna quit for a while, if ever. I guess I’ll just have to die 20 years younger with cancer or emphysema or a heart attack cuz I like to smoke and I need to smoke for now.

Right now I’m listening to a tape of me talking to Nervous. Yesterday I had Nervous buy me 6 90-minute tapes for phone call recording, and once they’re all completed, Andy and I are gonna edit them, taking only the best parts.

Gloria’s birthday is coming up sometime next week, but I’m not sure of the exact date. I forgot. She’ll be 32, though.

8/29/1989 Tues. 11:27 PM

I am speaking on the phone right now with Nervous. Andy and I were talking earlier, but he’s not home now. He mentioned going to pick up Roger at work, who is a major druggie, but he and Andy have known each other for a while cuz they worked together the last time Andy worked at Denny’s.

Linda popped over earlier just as I was getting out of the shower. She had handcuffs with her and said she’s going to train to be a cop, which she’d definitely be good at, and I joked with her about arresting me for prank calls.

I am one bored motherfucker since I’m not working, and even though I was wrongly fired, I still feel like a complete failure and a useless piece of shit, and I wonder where my life is leading me.

I’d better fucking get into music school!

8/31/1989 Thurs. 5:46 AM

I was very depressed earlier, but a half-hour or so after I took my meds, my mood cheered up and became more positive.

Andy came over at 1:30, and by 2:00, he was passed out on my couch and still is. Guess he’s been exhausted, and I am too, but I can’t sleep yet.

I am going back to CC, it looks like. Both Osborne and HDMHC recommended I go there cuz they have more to offer, but I hope CC doesn’t pull this daycare shit on me. I just want weekly therapy with a decent female therapist and a decent shrink like Moshiri.

I really hope I’m in school at least 3 days a week and that won’t interfere with CC or my allergy shots or anything else I ever need to do. I don’t think the school opens, though, till mid- or late afternoon, which is great, but I hope that if I get in, I won’t be leaving at night. If I do, I hope I can get a ride from someone and give them gas money.

Tomorrow I’ve got to call Fernandez to let him know I’ve decided to have the blood testing, which is safer than the other kind they do, and once again discuss Medicare with them, which says they cover 80% of the $450 it’ll cost, so I’ll only have to pay $90. Mom’s gonna be sending a check for $100.

Part of me still wishes I were working at Denny’s for the extra money, but doing what I love to do and having therapy and shots are more important right now. The job had a lot of hassles and stress that were both worth it and not worth it.

Jul 1989

7/1/1989 Sat. 7:28 AM

I didn’t enjoy work last night, though I didn’t feel nervous, knew exactly what to do, and did it well. I made $37 in tips, plus $44 in my paycheck, then towards the end, I waited on two huge tables with several people and ended up with another $20. So $110 in all is not bad at all.

Andy and I were gonna go to the beach today, but it’s a little cloudy, and also, we may be wide awake now, but in a few hours, we’ll be exhausted, so we postponed it until next week. I need to catch up on my sleep anyway, cuz yesterday I got up at 8:00 in the morning, and then last night I only slept for two hours.

Yesterday I had a great time with Mom and Dad. They told me to shop in McCrory’s and to buy anything I wanted, and I bought almost $80 worth of stuff. I got these gorgeous outfits that look great on me. Three miniskirts with thick black waistbands and matching tops in deep purple, deep aqua, and then one in black and white. I also got a sexy nightie, panties, nail polish, curtain rods, and a really sexy half-shirt. I should’ve bought more outfits, and I kind of want to go back and shop some more with the $20 they gave me. They didn’t have the pens I wanted or any journals. I got a really nice pair of shoes for $40.

10 PM

Soon, I leave for work, which I’m not in the mood for, but usually, once I get there, I get in the mood. I don’t know how long I’ll be working tonight, but I hope not long. If it is long, though, the money never hurts.

Just a little while ago, I went to the mall with Andy. I bought a really nice halter top with gathering at the bust. It’s gold with big black polka dots. I also bought two more of those skirts with matching tops. One’s red with tiny white dots, and one’s dark green. Last but not least, I bought two more of those snug half-shirts too, in blue and purple, and two pairs of knee-highs.

There’s this bathing suit I saw and liked, but I didn’t feel like spending another $25, and that’s what it costs, but I should’ve cuz I’ll make more than that back tonight. It’s bright green with fringes.

I’ve done so well as far as clothes in the last two days.

Today, thank God, and thanks to Nervous, who carried everything up and down the stairs, I got all my laundry and even my blue satin comforter and brown blankets done.

The only thing that sucks about winter is that I won’t be able to wear all my nice summer clothes. No beach either. Winter’s a pain in the ass with sweatshirts, long pants, coats, gloves, hats and boots. Maybe I do prefer summer in some ways, but I still feel better in the winter.

7/2/1989 Sun. 7:41 AM

I had an excellent night at work. I made a little over $50 and felt so confident and at ease. I did it!!! I am definitely gonna keep this job. I owe so much to Andy, though. If it weren’t for him, not only would I not play the piano as I do now, but I’d still be so lost with no one, no job, no confidence. He says he’s really proud of me and that he knew I wasn’t a weakling.

Jayke and Scott were so happy I didn’t quit and that I stuck it out, and the managers are really proud of me, too. Also, last night, both Robin and Libby treated me like gold and were such sweethearts. Pattie and Bonnie were off last night. So the night shift is just me, Andy, Bonnie, Pattie, Libby, Robin, Jayke, Rich, Scott, and Glen. It’s an excellent crew. Sometimes when things get hectic, people get bitchy, but basically, everyone gets along and helps each other when needed.

I’m working the next 3 nights, and after deducting my rent and bills, I have about $500, and it’s only the beginning of the month! It totally blows my mind!

I’m definitely gonna buy a new guitar and a VCR someday soon and go back and get that suit and possibly more clothes. Other than that, I’m gonna save most of it and let it build up.

I feel so bad for Andy, though. He doesn’t make shit cuz he’s a guy, though he does a damn good job.

7/3/1989 Mon. 10:53 AM

Andy and I just finished talking and making some calls and crossing people. We were well due for some fun. We haven’t made any calls in over a month or so.

Last night was pretty hectic for a while at work. It was pretty busy from the time we went in till almost 3:30 cuz of the July 4th holiday weekend.

Maria was in again for the second time with her so-called boyfriend. I walked up to her and asked if she’d been to the Frontier lately, and she said no, then asked me if I’d been there. I told her no cuz there are nothing but jerks there. Her. Then, while her boyfriend said nothing, I bitched her out about never returning my barrette, telling her it had been a gift from my aunt. So then she asked me if I was having a bad day and not to bug her about a barrette. Then she asked if she could talk to the manager. I told her that what goes around comes around, then I walked off.

So after that, Andy went up to her, pretending not to know what had happened, and asked her what was wrong. She was literally in tears, crying, and she said, “It’s Jodi. I’ve got to get out of here before I smack her!”

Andy was really proud of me for standing up to the head player, and we were laughing so hard about it. Maria’s such an idiot.

4:15 PM

It pisses me off that I’m still awake! I started to fall asleep till Jim called, telling me he had my money after I called there and threatened him through his secretary. I told him to slip it into my mailbox. He said he would tonight.

We’ll see.

Nervous deposited $398 in the bank for me earlier. My balance is $1042, but with all my bills deducted, it’s only about $675. I just paid for the gas and electricity.

Well, I’m gonna finish my coffee, then try hard as hell to sleep and even harder to get up later. I wish I didn’t have to work tonight, but it’s only one more night, not two, as I thought. I called and checked. Nervous might come in tonight at around 1:00. If not tonight, then he said he would come another time. He better not step out of line, though, and be all nerved up, or I’ll kick him out for damn sure.

7/4/1989 Tues. 5:12 PM

I’m so fucking pissed! I’m gonna kill Jim! My money was never left in my mailbox, and I just left a message on his machine. The longer he takes, the more messages he’ll get. And they won’t be nice!

Andy and I spoke earlier, and he said he was going to Mary’s cuz she’s sick and wants to make her dinner. She came into Denny’s two nights ago. She’s as beautiful as he always told me she was.

Nervous just left a little while ago after I sang for him. I’ve been singing all day and am very happy to say it was pretty damn decent for a change. I just wish I didn’t smoke or was short of breath.

7 PM

I just finished eating some fettuccine noodles.

I’ll be hearing firecrackers going off all night, but as far as I know, the city of Springfield is not having the firecrackers cuz of the budget cuts.

Bruce was supposed to come over today, but never did, and there’s no answer at his place. I knew this would happen and I’m not the least bit surprised. He’s so much like Al.

Also, Mark was supposed to come up with his daughter but never did.

It seems no one’s home. Jessie doesn’t answer. Emily’s not home either, but I left a message on her machine. Stuart’s in his usual bad mood.

Speaking of Mark, he just called and is on his way up.

7/5/1989 Wed. 1 AM

Mark was here for about two hours, and we had an excellent talk. He and I think a lot alike, and we seem to share the same opinion on men, sex, and life in general. It pleases me to have met another fairly decent guy. Especially one who’s my neighbor. He’s the type of man a woman feels safe having around, unlike Jai, who’s defenseless and rather wimpy.

Speaking of Jai, well, he and Jenny called tonight. I may go down to Charlottesville, Virginia, where Jenny’s living, for a few days by train, then come back up here with them.

I feel so stuffed up it isn’t funny. Even Mark and Nervous feel it, too.

I called Bruce around midnight, and we chatted for about 10 minutes or so. He said that after I called him, he fell asleep till 4:00. Maybe tomorrow he’ll come over, he says, after work.

I really want to buy a new guitar and really soon, too. It’ll inspire me to play more too, one that’s easier, I mean. A nylon-strung one, rather than steel-strung.

I wonder if it’s busy now at work. Andy’s there now. I called Crosby earlier this afternoon to see if he needed help tonight, and he said no; there were 3 people on.

I wonder if Maria will dare show up again. I highly doubt it.

This morning, I got a prank call, and I know it was either connected to her or the waterbed guy. A guy claiming to be Ed said he wanted to “cum right in my mouth.”

I said “thank you,” and hung up. It was definitely either related to Maria or the guy who delivered my waterbed, for sure. I’m not that stupid, cuz when a guy, no matter how professional he is, gets a girl’s number who’s gay, you know the first thing that’s on their mind is sex. I figured this would happen, but I can deal with it just fine, and I kind of doubt it was connected to Maria. You never know, but I do doubt it.

7/6/1989 Thurs. 12:45 PM

Well, I just got back from court, and I have to go back again in October. It looks like this case will also get dismissed. There was this lawyer there that I’ve seen many times before, who’s hideously ugly. I could tell he liked me by the way he helped me get my M&M’s out of the vending machine after they got stuck. He bought me more when he couldn’t get them out.

My lawyer’s quite ugly too, but seems nice. I dressed really well today in my new purple outfit, and I know I looked good. Better than most women. Everybody stared at me.

When I got off the bus here, I spoke with Mark, who was working on his car. I guess idiot St. John below me smashed his windshield. Mark and his brother want to kill him.

I wish they would.

Last night I had a spaghetti dinner at Mark’s and met his brother Tom and his wife Holly. They’re so nice and fun to be with. We laughed like crazy, exchanging jokes. We kept ringing St. John’s doorbell, too. We tried to call, but his line was busy. Today, after Tom and a friend of his painted all the porches, they threw off a tire that St. John had on his porch.

I really like Mark a lot. We have great talks like we did last night, and we think a lot alike, and he’s not the typical male, but I’m just not attracted to men. I need a woman, yet I know I could never get involved with a man or a woman. I’m too hooked on fantasy, used to being alone, and will not be hurt again.

7/7/1989 Fri. 2:10 PM

We made it to the beach. Thank fucking God! We’re staying at the Howard Johnson’s instead, so we have a bathroom and a shower.

I’m just gonna make this really brief, then go to bed. Believe it or not, Andy’s gone to bed. The sun totally drained us. But it’s so good to feel so relaxed and happy. At the beach, I saw Tammy, Bill and the kids, and I can’t believe for the life of me how much Becky’s grown. She walks just fine now, and her hair is long, too.

I’m definitely darker, but I hope to get much more color tomorrow.

Check-out time is 11 AM.

7/10/1989 Mon. 7:43 PM

Our stay at the hotel was fun, and the funniest thing happened. Well, Andy and I couldn’t sleep, so, assuming that a call outside the hotel would cost us, we harassed people in other rooms at the hotel and got caught. The phone rang, and it was the guy at the front desk. We pretended we were sleeping, and he apologized, saying there must be some mistake.

Then, before we left, we wrote this wacky, senseless letter to Cheryl, the housekeeper, mixing lyrics and whatever else came to mind.

Sure enough, though, as we were checking out, we found out there was no charge on local calls, after all. We could’ve harassed the whole town of Old Lyme.

So, the next day at the beach, we met up with Betty Ann L and her mother. I remember them from when I was a kid. They don’t go to the beach regularly anymore. We also found out that Betty Ann, who’s beautiful, had a younger sister who died of a drug overdose at age 21.

7/12/1989 Wed. 7:57 AM

Work was excellent last night and a lot of fun, although last night it was one hell of a fucking bitch, and I was threatening to quit. It’s better than being home miserable all the time, though, and the money is great, which I desperately need. Last night I made good money considering the fact that it was deader than dead. Made $63, but stole one check, so it would’ve been about $45 or so, but that’s still quite decent. I had the most customers. I like sections 4-5 the best cuz it has the least and the easiest side work. Everyone hates Section 3 with the salad bar. Andy and I are usually alone from 4-6 cuz Bonnie and Suzanne are married with kids, so they leave at 4:00. I haven’t seen Patty in a while. I think she’s on vacation. Robin might have quit, but I hear Libby definitely quit. She couldn’t handle it. God! I thought I was a wimp!

We got this new cook named Guy who’s pretty nice, so with him, Roger, Scott, and Glen, it’s a pretty damn good crew. Everyone has a great sense of humor, although Jayke sure can be a hell of a bitch, but she is damn good as a cook. She can get 10 orders up quicker than you can blink an eye. When she’s not cooking, though, or when everything’s going her way, she’s a lot of fun and super nice.

Sometimes I’ll write about our regular customers, but now I’ve got to go listen to music, finish my coffee, and then go to bed.

7/14/1989 Fri. 1:15 PM

Well, here we are on our way to the beach, but it is fucking pouring now. It was coming down so hard we could barely see.

Andy said to tell this book that we are now passing through Fartford.

It is still pouring.

7/20/1989 Thurs. 2:50 AM

Well, I have been basically in a fairly good mood for the last 3 days, since I’ve been taking my meds every other day. I’d rather have a few twitches here and there than be a spastic bundle of nerves.

Last night I had a great time at work and made $44 without stealing.

The funniest thing happened to Andy and me tonight. We both got laid. But of course, I couldn’t help but get the opposite sex with my shit luck. It was with Mark.

Andy got this guy he knew from the last time he worked at Denny’s, who’s married with kids but in the closet. He had this guy two years ago, too.

And with me, of course I can’t get a woman and always have to settle for a guy or second best. Mark and I screwed around. All he did was lick me off cuz he was so huge that there was no way I could take him inside, and also no way I was gonna put my mouth on that thing. He never came, though. That was good too, so there’d be no white sticky shit all over.

I called the dating service with the intention of bitching them out, getting a refund, or taking them to court, but this sexy woman with an English accent came right out and bluntly told me Pam, the bitch who interviewed me, was fired for deliberately mismatching people with the opposite of what they wanted. I didn’t know she did this.

Anyway, I had a pleasant talk with the woman, whose name is Janet, and, on behalf of Pam fucking things up, they’re gonna send 3 more people free of charge. I’m still hesitant, and my belief remains the same: that it wasn’t meant to be and that God wants me to have sex with only unattractive people, but if I get just a friend out of this, then fine, even if it’s a lot to pay for a friend.

7/26/1989 Wed. 10:47 AM

I’ve been busting my ass since work last night. I made almost $60 last night. We worked till 7:00, but we thought we only had to work till the usual 6:00.

I haven’t gone to bed yet. I watched an interview with Gloria on Good Morning America, and her hair looked awful. I wish she’d leave her hair black rather than lighten it the way she does.

So, I also cleaned up around here and am doing some laundry, which is now in the dryer. Can’t wait to carry it up here. All 60 stairs!

Tomorrow, Andy’s gonna stop at Saratoga Drug so I can get my food stamps on the way to the beach. We’re going with Juliet, a good friend of Andy’s from school. I met her last fall when we all went to the Frontier. Juliet broke up with her boyfriend and is now looking to date women. I like her a lot, and she’s somewhat pretty, but she needs to style her hair a bit, wear makeup, and wear nicer clothes. Her clothes are so dark and dreary. She just wears jeans or corduroys and sweatshirts. Andy says she never shaves and very seldom showers. How gross. Not everyone’s into cleanliness, I guess.

Later, I’m gonna have Nervous pick me up another journal and some coffee cuz I’m not going grocery shopping until Saturday. At least the laundry will be done, though, and my geek uniform.

I’m gonna call Janet at the dating service to see what’s going on.

Next time I deposit at the bank, I’m gonna get stamps if they still sell them. Shoppers sell them. I haven’t been in there in a long time. Next time I get a prescription, I’ll have to visit Monte and everyone.

I’m borrowing Steve’s guitar, and it is awesome! Everything is so easy to play on this thing, including bar chords. It’s a $400 guitar. I’m gonna buy myself one for sure, and a VCR, too!

I hope my clothes are all dry. They should be. I’ll get them in 20 minutes, shower, then go to bed.

11:06 PM

I fell asleep shortly after noon and got up at 8:00 to watch Unsolved Mysteries.

Right now, I’m a little bored, so I’m gonna learn the song Rooms on Fire by Stevie Nicks and try to compose it for Andy. He gave me the cassette single. It’s a time-consuming bitch, but I am in the mood with really nothing better to do, so I’m gonna go take advantage of it.

7/27/1989 Thurs. 2:44 AM

This is the day I was admitted to the Brattleboro Retreat in 1981. It’s been 8 years since that rather traumatic day. It still seems like my past is something so embarrassing and humiliating that I’ll always have to live with it and run around trying to cover up and hide from everyone all my life. On the other hand, I’ve become very proud of my background cuz I’ve come such a long way and have developed so many different skills and talents. Not too many people make it out on their own for 4 years after going through what I’ve gone through and being where I’ve been. Brattleboro and Valleyhead were like Alcatraz. You go there and you either come out dead or alive, and if you’re alive, you’d better hope you’re sane!

4:41 AM

Well, I just finished playing the piano, and believe it or not, I could play Can’t Stay Away from You, but my timing was way off, as usual. As far as the Canciones de mi Padre book, I got absolutely nowhere. I tried Por un Amor and La Cigarra only to fuck up left and right. I did start composing Rooms on Fire, but first I want Andy to write me the lyrics. As far as sheet music is concerned, well, it’s much easier if I just compose and write the music myself on piano staff paper by ear. Obviously, this is why God, Nana, and Pa gave me the gift of perfect pitch, so I’ll use it. As far as other songs I need to compose, well, there are My Time Has Come, Carry Me Away, and the last two songs I recently wrote, which are On and On and Dreaming and Believing.

When I was jamming with Jeanie in #15, she played and sang me a song she wrote, and it was beautiful. She says she’ll give me a demo of it so I can sing it and play it on la guitarra.

I still need to learn the rest of Gloria’s tape and the Judds, too. Cuts Both Ways and River of Time.

I was teasing Nerve earlier over the phone. Andy was so right when he said, “What a sucker to take all that abuse and let you use him.”

Well, he’s got nothing better to do, as desperate as he is, and males are only good to use, but he’s always paid back.

I polished my nails white earlier, and I need to put on the second coat.

5 PM

Yes, as usual, I am still wide-awake. I’m all hyped up about being here with Andy and Juliet. We’re staying at the Suisse Chalet. I still like Howard Johnson’s better with their indoor pool, which is always fairly empty, free local phone calls, and their restaurant. And here, to get to the vending machines, you’ve got to go outside. Ain’t that weird? What about in the winter? And what do the housekeepers do in the winter? There’s no door to a hallway, only outside. They have a huge outdoor pool here, which Andy and I went to, and it felt great. The ride down here was unbearably hot.

After we swam, Andy and Juliet decided to go to the beach, but I just wanted to hang back. Especially after being up since 8:00 last night.

We’re gonna go eat dinner, and then all go to the beach later. I want to see Tammy and the kids. I already made the first call to Nervous. I’m just listening to Gloria’s new tape, but God knows I’ll sleep like a rock tonight. I’m just too hyped up right now.

7/28/1989 Fri. 1:05 AM

We just had an awesome time at the beach. Andy said for me and Juliet, who also writes in a journal, to say hi to this book. So, as I started to say, we went to the beach at 9:00 and saw Tammy and Bill, but Becky and Anne were asleep. Tammy needs to borrow a couple of hundred dollars. If I do lend it to her, I hope she can return it as soon as possible. I’m not rich yet. I still want to buy a guitar and a VCR, too.

It was pitch dark, and Andy, Juliet, and I sat on the flat rocks, and our rocks and the breeze were just beautiful. Then it started to thunder and lightning, and it lit up the whole ocean so you could see Long Island Sound. The most awesome thing about it all was that I sang one song after another, and I did great.

8:22 PM

Another great day today and some great color I got, too! I saw my nieces and Tammy, who’s mailing me a thick 25” gold chain that costs $100, which she sold me for $50.

Last night, after I wrote, we called Nervous and just kept him hanging on the line forever. There were 3 different calls we made, which will be for almost two hours total. Andy and I would tell him to hang on and that we’d be right back; then we’d leave him hanging for 5-10 minutes. It was hilarious. I listened to about 7 songs on the box while he waited.

Is that a sucker or is that a sucker?

11:35 PM

I called Fran, who got in touch with me a few days ago and gave me his new number, and this woman named Bobbie, with whom he’s friends. Bobbie and I talked for quite a while. She’s bi and has been married 4 times and has basically given up on men. She says she’s been with 4 women, and just like the typical pattern of what’s in the cards for me, she wants to meet me. I mean, I can tell just by talking to her that she’s typical of what I get. She’s on SSI cuz she’s afraid to leave her house. She can’t take the bus by herself. She’s on medication for nerves and just doesn’t sound too stable. Now, is that typical of what I get, or what? Plus, she’s 48 years old and my height! Can’t I get someone taller and more stable? She says she’s feminine, hates butches too, and also can’t understand why women who hate men want to look like them. She’s Lebanese, feminine, has eyes like Gloria’s, wears makeup, skirts, and high heels, but has very, very short hair. I hate short hair, but she says she looks good in it cuz she has a small face. There have been some short-haired women who were attractive, but overall, I prefer long hair. I’ll meet her and possibly be her friend, but that’s as far as it’s gonna go. Plus, she’s probably not as feminine as she says she is.

7/30/1989 Sun. 5 AM

I slept for almost 16 hours, as I was exhausted and had just spoken to Andy at work.

I really ought to study my Spanish. I could be great in only a few more months of study.

Jessie and I were gonna go shopping today, but her sister Melissa borrowed her car and never brought it back, so we’re gonna try to go tomorrow.

It’s now 5:00, and I’ve had only 5 cigarettes since 8:00, which is excellent, but I really shouldn’t be smoking at all. Nervous is on his way over with a pack of smokes, nonetheless. After he leaves, I’m gonna go listen to music and just wait for Andy to call me back.