8/1/1994 Mon. 1:30 AM
Tom got up an hour ago. He slept for 12 hours. Lucky him. I wish I’d done that, too.
I was just playing with Piggy while he was working on his computer program.
I just did another huge round of journal housekeeping. I took out address labels that were in the wrong books. I wish I didn’t stick the stickers I just stuck in this book (4 of them). Why? Cuz I have so much doodling on my front and back covers of so many journals, especially in the beginning, that it’d be nice to cover it. Well, I’ll be getting these TV dinners regularly, so little by little I’ll cover them.
Tom just came in and closed my air duct in my closet, so no spiders can come down.
4:25 AM
Yesterday I didn’t do too much. I watched the women’s gymnastics and a movie I taped when I
got up.
Tomorrow we’re going to go get my name changed with SS and also discuss the letter SSI sent.
I still need to call the registry of motor vehicles.
8/2/1994 Tues. 4:30 AM
Boy, was I busy yesterday. I busted my ass cleaning the bathroom, scrubbing the kitchen floor and doing laundry. I washed the little rugs in the kitchen and bathroom and the curtains seem like they shrunk, though. Before I washed the curtains, I touched up the soundproofing stuff in the windows. There are tons of gaps in them, so I shoved in cotton balls and the last of the silver foil labels. Lots of the labels had fallen when I woke up. Instead of all the work wearing me out, it pumped my adrenaline, so I ended up being up for 20 hours when I finally knocked off at around 4 PM. I got up shortly after midnight. I’m still a bit tired.
4:45 AM
Larry called yesterday. He started off by saying he was down the street and wanted to come over. I thought, holy shit! I’ve been up so long and look like hell. He was only kidding, though, and was at mom and dad’s in Florida. He said his plans are all fouled up, but he still hopes to get out here this summer. I told him all about my unpredictable schedule and why I understood that oh so well. He said Larry’s done riding with him for the summer cuz he has to go to school early cuz of Band or something like that.
Jenny just got back from camp, so she’ll go on the road with him. I hope to meet up with all of them eventually, but right now Larry’s done traveling alone.
I finally remembered to ask his age, which I figured was between 38 and 40, but like most of us in the family, he looks younger. He was teasing me by saying I look 14. He saw our wedding video, and I thought, oh no! He said it was very good and I didn’t look fat.
He’s still looking forward to meeting Tom and when I said how blessed I was, cuz most guys are jerks, he jokingly goes, “I’m a slut.”
I don’t think that was a joke, though, at one time and I said I probably would have been too, if I were a guy.
He also mentioned my possibly going with him on his rig maybe to CA for a few days. In the meantime, he doesn’t know when he’s coming, but I told him Tom’s days off.
8/3/1994 Wed. 4:44 AM
Got a letter from Bob yesterday as well as a wedding card and a letter from Alex.
I typed Alex a letter, but I won’t send Kim and Bob’s letter until Monday. I figured I’d send Kim and Bob letters every Monday and every other Monday I’ll send letters to my parents. I’ll send messages to Tammy whenever I’ve got something to say.
Our US West bill came yesterday. Amazingly enough, there were no calls billed from Fran. We’ll have to see how the next bill is and check the Sprint bill when it comes.
Fran also hasn’t called. What luck, huh? I really didn’t think he’d go down so easily. He’s not easy to shake off.
Yesterday we went down to a Social Security office. We didn’t have enough documents for proof, so we took forms with us. However, we can’t mail photocopies of documents, so we’ll go there again next Tuesday.
This Saturday I’ll probably get more journals.
5:36 AM
Now I’m sitting at my blue card table, instead of lying on the bed.
I brought the old lamp I made in middle school in woodshop in here and it’s now on the table.
I just got up to wash the lampshade cuz it was filthy. I wish the lampshade weren’t so dark. I’d like to get a white one. The lampshade’s now drying out by the fan so I don’t end up getting zapped.
Tom will be getting up real soon. He has to work the next 3 days.
There was a surprise from him when I woke up. A huge poster of a still shot from our wedding video. It’s really cool. Sort of grainy, but if you stand a little further away, it looks so cool.
Yesterday we began our first task as far as shaping up the back room goes. We picked out tools that I may need, especially cuz he’ll have tools he uses in the back little room and the garage.
He put up a pegboard on the door where the hot water tank and the washer are. It’s in this little square area between the garage and kitchen doorway. The other kitchen doorways are off the living room and off the back room, but that one’s more like an archway. I believe there were once sliding glass doors there before the back room was added on. Anyway, on the pegboard, we put screwdrivers (regular and Phillips), a hammer, a pair of pliers, the broom and a duster. I hung the mop up on a holder that was already there.
It’s 6:02 now and I think I hear his alarm. If he doesn’t come out by 6:05, I’ll go make sure he’s up.
Thanks to a commercial on TV, I learned something new. I have feminine powder, and I’d sit back on the toilet, try to stick some down there, but when I’d sit up it’d go all over. Well, this time around I put it in my underwear. The tip came just in time as I got my period and it really helps keep me drier.
Tom’s up so I’ll see ya!
6:27 AM
Tom showed me changes he made with the picture printing program and now he’s eating hot dogs and watching the news.
8/4/1994 Thurs. 3 PM
I certainly have news to write about, but I’m so very tired now that I may not get into too much detail.
Yesterday my Tone-up 1-2-3 finally came and I love it! It’s the best method I’ve ever done. Clean-cut and simple. You do it 30 minutes every other day. I’ll expand more on it tomorrow.
I also talked to my parents. Ma asked if the shirt fit Tom, did he like the baseball, does he like sports, what kind of car does he have, what year is it, and do I drive it?
I talked to Dad, too.
I’ll write about Lisa and the tapes I’m sending her some other time.
Andy was here today and we were out back. I got some color and he may be over tomorrow, too.
8/6/1994 Sat. 7:30 AM
OK, now I finally have about an hour to write.
I just remembered that today’s that asshole Rosemarie’s birthday. I think she’s 30.
Gotta do my 1-2-3 workout today. The exercises are 20 minutes and the warm-up and cool-down take 10 minutes, so that’s 30 minutes total. I love the back and tummy supporter as well as the wrist weights. They’re great for when I’m sitting up typing.
I called my sister that day to tell her all about it, then got to talking with Lisa. She sang part of Get on Your Feet by Gloria and oh my God! That kid can really sing. She’s going to be great when she gets older. She already has vibrato. I didn’t get that till I was 22 and she’s only 11.
Tammy says if that’s what she wants to do, she’ll support it. Thank God she’s not as negative as she used to be or is like Mom, who was very discouraging. So, anyway, Lisa went on to tell me she wanted Gloria’s Spanish tape but had no money, so I made 3 tapes up of Gloria’s best stuff.
I made 1 Spanish tape and 2 of English and I even put the voice exercises on that Bill made.
Now I’m going to go listen to music, but I’ll continue on later.
8/7/1994 Sun. 9:16 PM
I have a million things to write about, but I’ve just been extremely busy to do so. Andy was over last Thursday and Friday. We hung out back by the pool, got some color and typed letters.
Yesterday I got a long 5-page letter from Bob. Also, my Phase-Out system came! I’m really psyched about it, too. It’s an 8-week program. Every 2 weeks you punch in 2 perforations into the filter with little tiny sharp needles.
Last Friday I taped The Guardian in SP. Luckily it came out just fine, but Andy kindly taped it as a backup.
It’s been peacefully quiet around here and Tom and I swam this weekend.
He and I are doing great and yesterday we had some serious fun sexually. It has become so easy for him to get in me and I’ve really loosened up. Today we didn’t have time for fun, but tomorrow we’ll make the time.
Yesterday, besides hot sex, we went out shopping. He got a computer book and some other stuff. I got 3 new journals, this pen I’m writing with, and also a purple one.
Also, 3-D postcards. When you look at them, they’re all different kinds of pretty colors and patterns till you see the hidden image. It’s like stereo for your eyes. Tom’s mastered the technique, but so far I’ve only been able to see one postcard, plus a moving one he downloaded on the computer. There were 30 postcards. We’re sending 1 to David & Evie and I’m using the rest cuz he couldn’t think of anyone else to send them to. I’m sending 1 to Andy, 4 to my parents, 4 to Tammy & Bill, 4 to Lisa, 4 to Becky, 4 to Sarah, 4 to Kim and 4 to Bob. I put the postcard stubs and stuck a few at the back of this book. Mostly I put them in numbers 4 & 14.
Well, I’m totally beat now, so if I’ve forgotten anything I’ll write it in tomorrow.
8/8/1994 Mon. 9:45 AM
Last night I’m sure the whole city of Phoenix was woken up by the massive thunderstorm we had. It woke Tom and me up sometime at 2 AM. It was really booming out there. I wished it was going on, though, when I was awake to see it. I like how I’m sure it woke them up next door.
Andy was probably pissed at being woken up and not able to see it and enjoy it. He loves storms.
Well, I have 4 pieces of mail going out. A letter to Kim, a letter to Bob, Tammy’s b-day card, and my parents' anniversary card.
8/10/1994 Wed. 2:19 PM
Just thought I’d take a break from the project I’ve been working on to get up to date on some of the things that have been going on. First of all, the major project I’m working on is in #71. I’ve randomly picked 48 people that I’m writing 2 pages about. Of course, I couldn’t pick everyone, so I just chose the first 48 people I could think of. Some of them are negative, positive, or both.
Some I knew briefly, some all my life. Some are family, friends and acquaintances, lovers and enemies.
BOL #11 is done and from now on, all letters will go in a 3-ring binder or a manila envelope. I have a grand total of 293 letters! With the ones I haven’t copied, I know I’m just over the 300-mark! Wow! That’s a lot of letters.
Anyway, it’s a real sauna outside and very quiet. Tom said he thinks they took off next door a couple of days ago. He said the kids were all in the van and they were putting in boxes. Yeah, I think they did take off somewhere. Cool.
Yesterday I went to get a new license with my new name. They took another picture and I hope this one came out better.
We went to SS for a new SS card in the new name. He had to get a new one too, cuz he lost his a while ago.
Speaking of SS, I called them today to find out what the hell’s going on. Am I on it or off it? She said I’m listed as on it, but I’ve got to call back tomorrow to talk to someone else. As Tom said, if someone wants to give me money, I’ll take it.
3:43 PM
I just did some laundry, so now I can write some more. Yesterday we sent out for these colorful splash labels that say Tom & Jodi Lin S. Also a Post-it pad of paper. That says Tom & Mystery.
We picked up two of the same kinds of figurines of a cactus with a narrow flowerpot behind it. One’s for Tammy for her birthday and the other is for my parents for their anniversary. I ran out of paint, though, so it’s delayed. I sent them cards saying that their gifts would be late. Tammy, whom I talked to today, asked if I sent them anything and said she just sent a card. I gave her one hint about her gift and theirs. I said “paint,” and she asked why she’d need paint. She asked if it was a picture. I said no, then quickly changed the subject. She’s no doubt going nuts trying to figure out what the hell it is.
I thought of a neat way to test my parents' reaction if I ever was pregnant. Next April I’ll tell them I am as an April Fool’s joke. If they flip, then I won’t ever talk to them if I ever do get pregnant for real. What if I were before April? Well, I’d really like Tom to be the one to tell them, but since he may not want to, I’m sure Tammy will.
Tammy asked how come Tom never calls her, but maybe we’ll surprise her one of these days. I told Tammy it works both ways. Bill’s never called me and he’s always welcome to. Then again, I really don’t care for the guy.
6:40 PM
My project’s 2/3 of the way done. Tom said he thought it was an excellent idea and that if he were teaching a writing class he’d tell his class to choose 20 people and write 2 pages about each one. That’s cool. I thought he’d think it rather strange if anything at all.
He may be a half-hour late this week as he’s stopping to feed his sister’s dog. She and Dave are in CA. He’ll also be leaving a half hour early before work to go feed the dog and let it out. I’m just kind of waiting for him now.
I guess I’m all up to date with everything. Gotta go get my jeans and Vegas tie-dye shirt off the line.
6:48 PM
OK, I got my stuff off the line. The animals next door are there. I could hear them, but very faintly.
Why do I think it’d make the world of difference as far as them next door if I had my own kid? I guess it’s cuz if you’re hearing your own all the time, then what’s someone else’s? It’d all blend in together, plus most people I think would rather deal with and listen to their own, rather than someone else’s kids.
7 PM
I just heard the phone ring, but I figured it was just Andy calling to say hi, so I didn’t answer. It was a message from Tom, though. He’s at Mary’s and he’s going to be home between 7:30 and 7:45. I’ll have dinner ready for him either way. I made up cheese noodles with bacon bits and I’ll also make him two hot dogs.
I got a letter from Bob today and this time around he did something new. He addressed it to both of us.
I did my workout today and now I’ve got 2 weights in the thigh holder. In 2 weeks, I’ll be up to 4, the total amount.
I’m still on Phase 1 out of 4 until the 20th.
I did dishes, watered my plant outside and that’s pretty much it.
Earlier today I had a sneezing fit for the first time in ages, but it was nothing compared to what I used to go through back east. Then, after that, I had the runs. I’m fine now, though. Last night Tom showed me a very easy way to print pictures and I did several. Today I was going to do some more, but I couldn’t get it started. Oh well.
8:47 PM
Tom’s home now, eating his dinner, and when he’s done we’re going to chat a while. I’m kind of horny and hoping for fun, but if he’s too tired I’ll understand.
8/11/1994 Thurs. 5:40 PM
Well, today’s Nervous’s birthday. Andy asked if I was going to call him. What’s the point?
Crystal will just hog the phone and not let us talk. With Crystal and the distance between us, it’ll never be like old times. He’s a closed chapter now.
Tomorrow’s my parents' anniversary, so I’ll call there tomorrow. I finished their figurines as well as Tammy’s.
Tomorrow’s also asshole Fran’s birthday. I still can’t believe he hasn’t called, but tomorrow he may try thinking I’ll be all sweet and friendly to him just cuz it’s his b-day. He’ll have thought wrong, though, cuz I’ll hang up on him.
I called SS and someone was supposed to call me back, but never did. What else is new with them?
Tonight I’m recording 6 hours’ worth of TV for times I get bored or lazy.
Today Andy was over. We were out by the pool where I got more color.
I got no mail today, but we mailed out more of those 3-D postcards. I began two pages of Bob’s letter and by Monday I’ll finish that as well as do one for Kim and my parents. I’ll be back to write more later.
8/12/1994 Fri. 10 PM
Got two letters from Kim today and I also spoke to my parents. It’s their 43rd anniversary. I told them their present would soon be on its way. The figurines are done now. All I have to do is pack and ship them and pray they arrive there in one piece.
Larry called today. He was in Phoenix, but couldn’t find his way here. Jenny was with him. He said if they found their way here, I could’ve gone with them to CA and returned home tomorrow. Sounds cool but I wouldn’t want to just suddenly desert Tom. They’re going to try to stop by tomorrow in the late afternoon. That’d be even better, so Tom could meet them, too. I talked to Jenny for a few minutes, too. Larry said he may bring Mom out and that she wants to ride with him. When? I don’t know.
I finished my project in #71.
11:15 PM
I’m still up, but not for long. I went for a swim a little while ago.
I got a 3½-page letter ready to go out to Bob on Monday. Over the weekend, I’ll type letters to Kim and my folks. I did a little typing on #51.
Spoke with Andy, who’s psyched at the thought of having only 6 more days till he goes home.
He had planned on stopping to see Tammy, but now he’s not sure if he’ll have the time to do so.
He really liked the 3-D postcard I sent him and he wants to get some, too. My dad said he’s still trying to figure his out.
I’ve got some color now, but I really wish I had the color that Tom and Andy have.
You know what I should do right now? While I’m still waiting to get even more tired than I am, I should write as many names as I can think of in case I ever do end up doing an autobiography. I still doubt I ever will, but I’ll try to go beyond those 48 names a few pages back. Even if I barely knew them, knew them long, or if they’re jerks, good people, or both.
8/13/1994 Sat. 1:48 PM
We got a killer electric bill today of $425. Ugh! I told Tom to just switch over to the EC and that I’ll just have to get used to it and keep adjusting to this climate as I’m going to live here for the rest of my life.
I got up today at 11:30 and so far all I’ve done is take a shower and type Kim a letter.
My brother still hasn’t called yet, so his visit here is still up in the air. I’ll put my face on soon, anyhow.
Tom’s working on getting the other EC in. Although they say it’s only 100º, it’s 37% humid, so it feels like 110º. It’s deathly hot and humid in the house, so I’m really looking forward to the other EC being installed.
I just put the fan full blast by the foot of the bed. Now I feel much better.
Tom’s taking a shower right now, then I’ll go put my face on.
2:40 PM
I’m kind of bored right now, just passing time and seeing if Larry calls.
Tom’s out of the shower and he’s now watching TV. When he’s indoors, he’s pretty much either at the TV or the computer.
The humidity in here just knocked down my journal chart. That’s OK, though, cuz after I finish this book I’ll have to update it.
Tom’s not in the greatest mood right now cuz he’s very overworked and we may have company.
Tom’s not really any more into company than I am.
Sometime tomorrow I’ll type a letter to my parents. What shall I do right now? Oh, I don’t know. Just be bored and lazy, I guess.
3:39 PM
I wish my brother would hurry the fuck up and call if he’s coming. I hate waiting. I feel like I’m in a doctor’s office.
5:45 PM
I guess my brother isn’t coming, so I’m going to go for a swim.
6:22 PM
I went for that swim I said I needed. Yup, I did and now I feel much better. More so cuz we switched back to the AC. The EC makes it too damn humid in Aug. It felt like someone took a wet sheet, heated up to 200º, then wrapped it around me. This is the very type of weather, climate and feeling I escaped from.
Still no call from Larry, so who knows where the hell they are?
I started a shopping list and tomorrow Tom’s going to shoot on over to the grocery store after work. He’ll be going in at 5 AM for 5-6 hours.
7 PM
Tom went to bed a short while ago.
It feels so much better in here now that the AC is back on.
I think I’ll go type up a letter to my parents now.
9 PM
Guess who was here an hour ago? Yup, Larry and Jenny. I really stressed to him to call first, and I’m bummed Tom couldn’t meet them. He said they were scouting the area when he recognized and remembered the way. They were only here for a little while, but it was so good to see them. Jenny’s only 2” shorter than me and boy is her hair long! It’s down to her lower butt. She looks a lot like Sandy. She’s skinny, but her face is very plain. Larry’s hair is now as long as Tom’s and he had it in a ponytail.
Tom and I may go to see his parents tomorrow.
I typed a 3-page letter to my parents. I had just finished printing it out when they came, so I quickly added on the back of their letter that they had just come.
I asked Larry if he still wanted Tom to write down directions and he said he’d remember. They’re now heading for Arkansas, then to mom and dad’s. I’ll eventually get to see Sandy and Larry.
9:31 PM
I’m wide awake and probably will be for a while.
I forgot to check Prodigy for any mail I might have gotten. I’ll do that now, then I’ll go watch some TV.
I hope Lisa got her tapes by now and enjoys them.
I forgot to mention that in Larry’s truck were many boxes of whipped cream. Guess that’s just what he was delivering. They also had a very, very small dog with them. It was so cute, and I very fearlessly picked her up. Brandy’s her name. That seems to be a popular name for animals.
10:40 PM
I just watched a little TV and went for another swim.
I haven’t checked Prodigy yet cuz I’m getting kind of tired, believe it or not. I know, though, that I’ll be up for several more hours.
A little while ago I had a sneezing fit. Tom said he thinks I may need antibiotics. I agree. I know what I need right now. A nice hot steaming cup of coffee. I haven’t had any at all today.
11:15 PM
This visit went so much better, not that the first one with Larry alone was bad, but everyone was so relaxed. I can now really see what I’ve always figured. I’m his favorite sister. That makes me feel good, but sad for Tammy. If my brother was given two choices, one being to be paid to see Tammy, the other paying to see me, he’d pay to see me.
8/15/1994 Mon. 2:20 AM
Tom just got up, and believe it or not, I was playing a little guitar. I’m getting really tired, though, so I expect to go to sleep soon.
6:15 PM
Got up at 1:30 today. I quickly spoke to Tammy. I sent her a message on Prodigy and I also wrote up the last 7 postcards (3-D) to my parents, Bob, Kim, Tammy & Bill, Lisa, Becky and Sarah.
Tom came home early from work beat and has gone to bed. Now I need to go pee and I may go for another swim.
8/17/1994 Wed. 12:20 AM
Yesterday was Tammy’s 37th birthday. I spoke with her and she was telling me about some of the things she got.
Today I went for a doctor’s appointment and I got 11 refills on my meds! That’s a year’s supply. They gave me the Theodur in capsule form, rather than in tablets and the good news about it is that I can eat with it.
On 9/7 I’ll be going to an ear specialist to ask questions about my ear.
Not too much else is going on. I’m recording a movie for Tom right now and now I think I’ll go listen to tunes, then make a pot of tea.
1:40 AM
I did my workout routine, and in a little while from now, I’ll take a bath. I could use some freshening up.
I was just listening to some edits while I colored up a few more pages in here. Perhaps I’ll do more editing later. It has been a while, and I have some ideas to try out.
Tom mentioned something about getting up early to do laundry as well as computer work. Maybe I’ll be up when he gets up. If I am, I hope he’s in the mood for fun. We haven’t had any in nearly two weeks cuz we’ve both been so busy.
Andy left a message earlier about coming over today to hang out by the pool. I called back to let him know that sounds good, but I may sleep late tomorrow. I’ll call him when I get up. He’s now officially on his vacation.
Well, that’s all for now. Now I’m going to go finish my tea and take a bath. I’ll write more later.
1:47 AM
I decided not to take a bath right now. I just stopped the VCR from recording, and now I’m not sure what I’ll do.
Tammy had said something about mailing off a letter Lisa wrote to me. I hope I get that tomorrow as well as letters from Bob and Kim.
When the fuck are our wedding pictures going to get here? If they don’t come this week, I’m calling Vegas to give them a piece of my mind.
2:30 AM
I just did two drawings. Both were women. One’s OK, but the other’s a nightmare. Now, I’m finally going to do some editing.
6:25 PM
Tom will be home any time now, but in the meantime, I thought I’d write. I got up at 1 PM today. Andy and I talked earlier. He’s rented a camcorder and may come over later after Tom’s gone to bed to film. I’d really like to film the house and my wall drawings to send to Tammy and my parents.
Earlier I also did some typing on #51.
I took a much-needed shower, brushed out and straightened my hair.
I don’t really have anything else to say right now. Just that I’m bored out of my mind. I hope Tom will be in the mood to play around when he gets home, but we’ll see. He’s probably going to be too tired.
I made up some fried shrimp a while ago. It was so good, but I’m still hungry, so I’ll go make up something else.
11:15 PM
I thought Andy said he was coming over tonight, but he meant tomorrow night. Friday he takes off.
Tom’s going to call in sick from work tomorrow so he can do more work on the cooler and also do some computer programming.
This Saturday I begin Phase 2 of the Phase-Out program. I will have two holes punched into the filter.
Tomorrow I add the third weight to the leg and bun firmer as part of my workout program. I’m disappointed to have to say that when I was at the doctor’s office, I was weighed at 104. I took my measurements a little while ago and here’s what they are: thighs - 20½, hips - 33½, waist - 25¾. That sucks and I’d really like to reduce these measurements by 2-3 inches.
I tried Tom’s weekly experiment earlier. He bought instant coffee with a box of different flavors you add to the coffee. You don’t need to put milk or sugar in it. Well, I didn’t anyway. It was a little bitter and not what I’m used to. There was French Vanilla, Mocha Almond, Irish Crème and Amaretto. The last two taste like cough syrup, but I’ll check them out. In the meantime, Tom won’t be buying it again. I remember during 1986-1988 when I used to see Nervous almost every day, the two of us were really into cinnamon coffee, but it was brewed. Not instant.
Well, I think I’ll go do other things for now and probably return later to write more.
8/18/1994 Thurs. 12:36 AM
I did a little editing. On one of my completed convo tapes, I have a convo with me and Nervous and another with me, Nerv and Fran. Both are so incredibly boring. Nervous is no fun in these convos cuz he was unusually calm and friendly, so right now I’m erasing them. I just run it through on play and record. This way it’s less confusing if I erase something I don’t want.
I just took my meds and boy do I like these time-release capsules better. They seem to work better. My stomach feels better being able to take these with food.
I think I’ll go decorate more envelopes in which Bob’s letters will be mailed.
2 AM
I decorated one more envelope with my colored pencils.
I’m also erasing a portion of the other side of the tape. I’ll end up erasing one whole side, plus half of the other side.
I just had an idea. Well, every now and then I get in the mood to write, but don’t really have much to write about. Journal #35 is only half full, so maybe I’ll go copy in there some letters I haven’t copied. I was using it for phone numbers, but there’s still plenty of room in #53 for phone numbers.
8/19/1994 Fri. 1:52 AM
Boy, did I sleep late. I was up for a very long time too. I fell asleep at almost 9 AM and slept 10 solid hours until 7 PM. Guess I was exhausted cuz I very seldom ever sleep that long.
Tom and I chatted and fooled around. He also downloaded some pictures which I’m going to try to copy for kids’ computer coloring books.
Got my new SS card today as well as my license. This picture looks a bit better.
I sure got mail from Bob today. Like 12 pages’ worth. I also got a 2-page letter from Brian. Last night I copied some into #35. I’ll probably do more later.
Tom got a 1-month sample time/day planner in the mail today for the month of September. The thing a busy executive would use. It’s pretty neat, though, and we may get it for a whole year.
Tom went to bed at 10:00, then an hour later Andy came over. He brought chocolate-covered nuts from Joan and 7 tapes for me to tape his soaps. He leaves tomorrow at 2:30.
I’m doing laundry and hanging stuff out on the line. It’s fun, and I don’t mind. Plus it saves us a little bit of money by not using the dryer. It’s just something else to do.
I did my workout with the 3 weights.
I’m psyched for Phase 2 on Saturday.
8/20/1994 Sat. 12:15 AM
Today I begin Phase 2.
I got up late today, and as of now Andy should be in Springfield. The poor guy must be exhausted after flying and riding in a car for a total of 9 hours.
I taped his shows today, and I’ll be doing that all next week, as well as Monday the 29th. When I went to check to see that his shows weren’t cut short at the end or the beginning, which they weren’t, boy did I get a hell of a view for the first second of the tape! As I said, he’s renting a camcorder. Last night he told me he filmed himself beating off so he could see what it looked like from someone else’s point of view. Then he said he erased it but I’ve learned a lot lately about videotaping. For example, if I taped a movie, rewound it back to the beginning, taped another movie over it, you’d no doubt see a second or two of what was originally on the tape. He’s still going to film in here when he returns, by the way.
I’m going to go watch TV, then I’ve got some other stuff to write about.
1 AM
I watched Tales from the Crypt and I’m now ready to write more. Tom and I are going to work on the sides of Piggy’s cage tomorrow so that the sawdust can’t keep getting out. Actually, we may work on it later on this morning.
I began to copy some of the pictures of animals and cartoon characters he downloaded. I’ve done about 7 of them so far and so far my luck’s been good. They’re coming out nicely.
My mother called a few hours ago to tell me that yes, she would like me to tape the Barbara Streisand concert that’s to be on HBO for two hours this Sunday. I had mentioned it to them before and asked if they wanted it, but she didn’t. Guess she changed her mind.
She also said that she had just gotten done writing a letter to me. Oh my God! With it being a once-in-a-lifetime thing for her, I figured I’d never get a letter from either of them until next year. That’s cool, though, and I look forward to it.
I typed letters to Kim and Brian and speaking of changing minds, well, Kim’s in for a hell of a surprise, but let me go have a cig first.
1:55 AM
I had my smoke and did a few more drawings.
As you know, I had decided to keep all of Bob’s letters in a notebook. Well, I’m filling up the rest of #35 and was so bored when I began copying what I’ve got. I figured - why keep so many copied letters? So, today I mailed out a manila envelope stuffed with letters. Kim will be really busy with that. Because she’s never home, it’ll probably take her months to go through them all.
So, what shall I do now? I think I’ll go do some editing. I definitely need some coffee first to go with the event. Editing’s so boring for the most part.
2:40 AM
I just did a little editing and had some coffee. Now I’m going to go look back and see if I can find the date of when I had my last asthma attack, so I can be psyched when it’s been 1 whole year!
2:50 AM
I found the date of my last attack where I had to call 911. It was Nov. 16th. I’ve gotta make it to the 1-year marker. Please, God, let me?!
3:44 AM
I wish Tom would get up now. I’m bored, and although there’s stuff I could do, I really don’t feel up to doing it now. Maybe I’ll go draw some more. Sure, why not?
5:42 AM
I’ve now got about 15 drawings done. Some look really good and others are just so-so. Now I’m a bit drained, so I’m going to lie down till Tom gets up.
8/21/1994 Sun. 2:53 AM
Yesterday I was up for nearly 20 hours and when I fell asleep it was only for 5½ hours, so I’m pretty beat.
I got a letter from Lisa which I copied into 35. It’s so sweet, and she sent Tom one, too. I’ve written her back and Tom says he’s going to write her back.
3:40 AM
I will be copying this into my journal as is, after Tom reads what I’m going to type here. Why am I doing this? Well, I think it’s something that can help Tom and me. This way Tom can read what I write about my feelings so he won’t have to say to himself, “Now how did she word that?” or “What did she say she thinks or feels about this or that?” Sometimes it’s easier to keep track of written words, rather than spoken words. It’s kind of like what a grocery list does. You have a damn good idea of what you need, but a list allows you to always see it, so you’ll be sure to remember and better understand it. I won’t do this regularly. Only when there are things going on that are confusing.
Do I expect Tom to do this, too? No. Only if he wants to cuz I don’t want him to ever do something he may not want to do. Also, I understand that he has little time to do this and that writing and typing are more my things than his.
OK, there are 3 issues that have me somewhat or very confused. Other than that, I am very happy with my life and know I’m the luckiest son of a bitch alive and that Tom’s 1 in millions. The 3 topics I will write about are sex, having a kid, and company.
When I discuss all these topics, I’ll be saying how I feel about them. Both the ups and downs on them, etc. I’m also going to say what I think Tom feels, but I fully understand that I could be wrong. Therefore, after he reads this, I hope he’ll correct me on the things that are wrong, so I’ll learn more about him and understand him better.
Sex
I have mixed emotions about this, just like the other two subjects. I want to do it almost every day, yet I also want to never do it again. Right now I feel like the only thing that’s good about it is when he licks me. The thing I feel that has greatly improved is him getting in there. It’s getting easier and easier and much less painful. But how do I think I make him feel? Like shit, if not close. It’s been about a year now, and he still can’t cum. Does this make me feel confident and normal? No. What’s confusing me about it? Well, he says he doesn’t want to hit on me for sex. I feel the same way cuz I don’t want to make him think that we can only have sex when I want it. He says he wants to be spontaneous, but he also says stuff like, we’ll do it tomorrow or at such and such a time. He says when he lies down with me it could very well be a signal. But how do I know that? How do I know that he doesn’t just want to talk? If not, who makes the first move? Should I ever make a move when I’m almost positive he’s too tired, or should I wait and see if he does? If one of us wants to do one thing and the other wants to do another, should we both do what we want? Or should only one of us? And if only one of us, then who? When’s the right time during sex to suggest that I do certain things to him or that he do certain things to me? When should he just do whatever and when should I just do whatever without saying anything about it? If he goes to do something to me that I don’t feel like doing, should I tell him not to do it, or should I let him do it if it makes him happy? Should I ask him, for example, if when I’m doing him by hand, it’s too light or too hard? Or should I just let him let me know? Another thing is that I feel that he thinks that I think sex should only please me and that’s far from true; otherwise I wouldn’t care that he hasn’t cum and want to know what he likes. And doesn’t like, for that matter. Another thing, for ex., is that he’s told me he couldn’t care less about my hair, meaning he doesn’t care if it’s long, short, braided, etc., but is there something else he may care about that may arouse him? Anything, no matter how common or unique, like red lipstick, a blue G-string, a black shirt? Does this make me wish Tom could magically turn into a woman when we go to have sex? Not at all, cuz sex is sex, regardless of what gender you do it with and it’s complicated with anyone. Plus, sex is more about whom you do it with, not what you do it with. That’s at least how I see it.
Well, that’s all my questions and feelings about that.
Having a Kid
This one’s the most complicated of all, cuz there’s so much more to it. Sometimes I think Tom wants a kid, sometimes I think he doesn’t. I think that’s normal, though, cuz I feel the same way. When I feel sick or tired, I’m glad I don’t have one. Or when Tom’s too busy working his ass off with little free time at all for even us. He said he wasn’t glad he didn’t have a kid and said he was concerned about what my reaction would be if we found out I was pregnant, but then just the other day, he mentioned using rubbers cuz he didn’t want one now or in 9 months. I can see him not wanting one now, but I thought he doesn’t usually get in the habit of trying to predict what he’d want in 9 months from now. So do I not avoid fate and the possibility of getting pregnant? Or do we rubber it up? I don’t know why Tom would or would not want a kid, but here are the pros and cons I came up with after thinking about it:
Cons:
1. Fear of miscarriage and the pregnancy killing me.
2. Fear of the pain and dying in labor or delivery.
3. Fear of losing Tom cuz I’d be a bitch carrying it and fear of losing him during having it and after cuz of the stress of it, lack of sleep and me being so fat.
4. Fear of the kid coming in between us and making us fight more.
5. Fear of us not having any time together.
6. Fear of postpartum blues and being a sexual turn-off.
7. Fear of lack of sleep.
8. Fear of losing our lives and not being able to afford it.
9. I don’t know anything about raising or caring for kids.
Pros:
1. A life and a responsibility to take care of and teach and watch grow with Tom and when I’m home alone bored.
2. Despite the fears I’d have, the curiosity of having a life growing inside me and having it.
3. A great learning experience for me.
4. The sense of knowing there’s someone I can take care of, instead of someone always taking care of me.
5. Instead of listening to and doing for other people’s kids, I could listen to and do stuff for my own.
6. Playing with it and learning different things as far as caring for it step by step with each year and its different ages.
7. Hoping and praying that I’d be the best mom I could be and breaking people’s beliefs that I’d be just like my mom (though I don’t worry what others think that much).
8. A human thing created with the one I love, rather than an object that’s ours like the computer or the TV.
9. Being there for it when it’s sick, sad, or makes a major accomplishment in life, be it personal or something it’s learned.
That concludes that one, but I still feel I’m sterile only cuz it’s hard to believe otherwise. It’s like with me being in Arizona. I never ever believed that could happen, and it still blows my mind.
Company
This is the least confusing one. We’ve recently done our share of talking about this, but there are still a few more baffling things about it.
First of all, here’s the #1 important thing I can say for both of us. I know Tom would never play daddy and tell me I can’t go somewhere, or do something, or see someone. I love him for that. My thing is that I’d never leave without at least a day’s notice or several hours, or if there was something going on where my attention was demanded here at home. The only time I’d suddenly leave would be if Tom was asleep or working and I knew I could be back in time for him to be around (or very close enough). Or for example, if Andy or Larry called while Tom was sitting right there and they asked if I wanted to go somewhere and Tom said, “Sure. No problem. There’s nothing going on right now that can’t wait or immediately needs your attention.”
Tom’s made it sound like I’ve had lots of company since we’ve been married, but I counted since we’ve been together. Before there was that piece of paper, there was us, and we’ve been together about a year. Here’s how I see my visitor track record. I won’t count Andy cuz he’s local and there’s never been a problem with Andy that I’ve known of. He’s never taken our time or taken me away from something important.
Kim, Phil and Alex were here for 3 days and Larry was here twice. Out of 1 year, I’ve been around here at the house 98% of the time as far as I see it. I asked Tom if he was jealous and he said no. Now, I’m sure Tom would come out and say it if he was, but I still get the feeling that he might be cuz of certain comments he makes, like, “Nobody takes me places.” Here’s an example I’ll make up to further explain why I thought he was jealous. Let’s pretend Andy’s here and he’s at work and he knows Andy’s here. Tom feels left out and then, in a way, takes that “left out” feeling out on me. Well, I hope he knows that there are times when I and everyone feels left out, but that doesn’t stop him from being my #1. Of course, my first choice is to go places with him, but I think everyone should have a right to their friends and family occasionally too, and I think he knows how I feel about that. He sees his family way more than I do and they all live here, for the most part, so I think he understands how I feel.
There were two other shocking things he said that, in my mind, are far from true. He said I’ve got lots of friends and this whole other life that he’s not a part of. No way. I’ve got only Andy as a friend, and I have no life at all other than my hobbies and chores here at home. There have been countless times where I’ve been home alone bored, wishing Tom were here, wanting to talk, wanting sex, wanting us to be in business, wanting to be a singer, wanting a kid, etc. He’s more a part of my life than anyone’s ever been. Even more so than Andy.
The other thing was that he said he was afraid he couldn’t count on me to help with the business if Kim stopped in, for example. You’re talking once every year or two, though, for 1-3 days. People put their regular life on hold much more frequently than that without falling too far behind in housework, their loved ones, etc. My parents have lots of company and don’t always travel together and they’re happy, so it can be worked out. Also, my brother, I guess I’ll only see 1-3 times a year.
I will use my best judgment possible when it comes to someone wanting to come here or take me somewhere, but all I can say is that I’d never put them over Tom. It’s just like when Tom goes away to work for 12 hours for 4 days out of the week. I still know that that doesn’t mean he puts his job over me.
To conclude all I’ve written, well, I know the easiest thing to do would be to never have sex, never have a kid, and never have company. Do I really want to do that, though? No. I believe in “no pain, no gain.” I’d really like to take the cons that go with the pros to all 3 of these things and try to get rid of all the cons I could in the meantime about each one. I don’t want to keep being a procrastinator or chickening out, despite how easy that is to do.
8/22/1994 Mon. midnight
I taped the Barbara Streisand concert for my parents. I also typed a letter for Bob, so I’ve got letters going out to him, Kim, Lisa and Brian. I’m too tired to write any more right now, but I will in an hour or so.
9:12 AM
I just worked out a little while ago. The next time I work out two days from now, I’ll be adding the fourth and final weight. It’s pretty heavy now.
I spoke to Tammy, too.
When I showed Tom the thing I typed up, which I copied in, he said he needs to work on communicating himself better to me. When I asked him if he was mad about it, he said no cuz he’d never be mad at me for expressing my feelings. Other than that, things are fine. He was in a good mood last night and this morning. I was, too. He grabbed my butt and squeezed it this morning and said he hopes we can have sex soon. Me too. I just get frustrated at times cuz of what I wrote before. I also want it practically all the time. I never thought I’d be like that, and I wish at times that I didn’t have such an appetite.
He said he could feel my hipbone, unlike ever before. That’s cool, but I still wish my thighs and belly would go down. I still have some craters in the backs of my thighs too, and I weigh 102.
I cleaned Tom’s ears with peroxide and alcohol. The concoction Brenda taught me.
Piggles and I went for a swim earlier while Tom was in the shower.
Tom said that within a couple of days he’s going to type up a response to all I typed up. He said don’t worry, though; it was all good stuff and he’s already thought about what he’s going to say. That’s cool and I’ll copy it in here.
I killed a huge daddy-long-legs that was in my room by my speaker. I sang. I changed the sheets. I set the VCR up to record Andy’s shows, and that’s about all for now.
I hope I get the letter Mom said she did for me, but I doubt I’ll get it until later this week.
Where the fuck are our wedding pictures?! Tomorrow Tom and I will have to call them in Vegas and see where the hell they are.
Tomorrow we’re going to the post office to mail my parents' tape of Barbara. Also, the figurines that were for my parents' anniversary and Tammy’s b-day.
I may get my hair trimmed, too. It really needs it.
8/23/1994 Tues. 1:43 AM
I sure thought I was going to puke a while ago! My heart was booming too, but after lying down I felt better.
Again I didn’t sleep too long. Maybe 5 hours. I figure, though, my body wouldn’t have woken up if it were that tired. The bad thing about it is, is that it shoots my whole day with Tom. I’ve been up since 8 PM.
Yesterday when I woke up, I had gone the longest I’d ever gone without my meds. I was 6 hours overdue on it. I woke up very wheezy and was scared, even though I knew I wasn’t in any real trouble. I thought it would take a couple of hours, though, to get it under control, so I asked Tom to please leave as I didn’t want him to have to deal with it too. He said he’d rather stay to take care of me, closed his eyes, put his hands on my chest and it stopped. It just suddenly stopped. It was amazing.
4 AM
Yuck! Gross! I threw up a little while ago. Luckily it wasn’t that bad. Tom heard me and came out nauseous, too. He didn’t throw up, though, which was nice. His is due to too much acid in his stomach and we think I fried the wrong foods. I fried fish sticks from a TV dinner and he suggested that it could be processed differently and not for fryers. Plus, there were no frying instructions on the box for frying.
Hang on while I go brush my teeth.
4:05 AM
OK, that’s much better. Tom went back to bed. I feel much better and I can breathe OK and I’m not too tired.
Tom said not to worry about us losing time together cuz it’ll all work out. Well, his encouragement does help.
I think I’ve been going about the Phase-Out wrong. I’m supposed to draw on the cigarette before the holes and not cover them up with my lips. This way the hot air inside the cig mixes with the cooler air outside the cig to create condensation to trap the tar, nicotine, and carbon monoxide before they can get into my lungs.
I noticed stretch marks on the tops and sides of my breasts and asked Tom why it was so when I’ve never lost 40-50 pounds of “boob weight.” He said it’s cuz I never wear a bra, but not to worry about it. Well, I’m not worried, but I thought about it. I’m wearing a bra now, as support for any part of the body’s good just like when I wear the tummy/back supporter. It also helps relieve the soreness I get before that time of the month. I need new panties, so maybe some time I can get matching bra/panty sets.
8/25/1994 Thurs. 3:10 AM
Last Tuesday Tom trimmed my hair! Yup, he sure did, believe it or not, and he did a great job. He trimmed off about an inch. Now I can really be on my way to healthy hair by having him trim it regularly. No more worrying about some hairdresser suddenly going scissor-happy and taking off a foot or more.
Yesterday I called and told Mom all about the CD ROM which we finally got, but I’ll get to that later. She asked if we’d gotten anything for our wedding from anyone she knows. She also commented on the thank you card that we sent them, saying that that’d be nice to send to anyone that sends us anything.
At first I thought that it was kind of strange of her to bring that up since the wedding was almost 3 months ago. Then, the mail came and then I knew why she was bringing it up. Can you believe we got a card and check for $50 from Charlotte and Jim?! This sure caught me off guard and came as a huge surprise, but at the time, it’s a bummer to know no one would send us shit if we were expecting a kid. Ma’s bad-mouthed the shit out of me to so many people for so long, that in their eyes, I could never be fit to be mother material.
I typed them a quick letter on all that’s been going on since I came here, and when Tom gets up, I’ll see if he can print out a thank-you card with our wedding pictures on it. I don’t want to wait on this, though, so if I have to, I’ll just send the letter.
He’s been so busy. He hasn’t yet done up thank you cards for his mom’s two sisters, the 3-D postcards for Dave and Evie, Lisa’s letter, or my letter.
Anyway, Tom got up at 5 AM yesterday to show me the CD ROM. It’s amazing! I mean, it is just so cool, and it’s a tangible thing that shows me that my dream may still be achievable after all. It’ll take time and work, but it’s like having a quality home recording studio. It has a karaoke thing in it and you can record on different tracks just like they do in studios and on and on. It does lots of different things. We can’t make CDs yet cuz what we’d need to do it with costs a couple of grand. However, the prices will come down, but for now we can go through the steps that come before the actual making of a CD.
I never thought in my wildest dreams that I could share my dream with the one I love, while we combine both our goals and dreams. While he’s promoting my singing, he can promote his programming and other things he does. I picked out some music to start with and he’s putting it into the computer without having to play it. Then somehow I’ll sing to the music and he’ll mix and arrange it to however it sounds best.
Yesterday for the first time in what seems and feels like ages, we had great sex. And I mean, great sex. We always say we’ll keep up on it regularly, but never do cuz of life’s unexpected happenings, but I hope that’ll change. I sure got my cake and ate it too, as he went down there and ate me out, as well as went in there. There was no pain or pressure at all. Especially when we do it on the living room couch. That’s a lot easier than the bed.
Ma said she mailed the letter she wrote to me, so I hope I get that today. I wonder what she has to say. I guess the usual everyday stuff.
8/26/1994 Fri. 2 AM
Got another shocker in the mail today. A wedding card and check for $50 from Goldie and Al. It makes me wonder who else will shock me.
It’s kind of sad to know, though, that if we had a kid, no one from my side would send even a card. Oh well, as long as Tom and I are happy. That’s what really matters. Tom said that if we did have a kid, I’d have nothing to worry about. Yeah, maybe, cuz Tom’s right about most things and my parents have been known to shock me in the past. They’ve surprised me over the last few years.
As of yet, I don’t expect to hear from any aunts, uncles or cousins, but that’s their choice.
Our new color-splash address labels came. They’re really nice and there are 5 different colors - pink, blue, green, peach and yellow. I put some in journals.
9:40 AM
Tom got up at 5:30 and we made pork chops and French fries. Then he ate me out and worked on the computer before showering and going to work.
I lay out for nearly an hour and I did get a little color. It’s pretty hot out there, but the strangest thing about it was that I didn’t see one bee. Fine with me, though.
I just checked, and Andy’s got 35 new messages and 4 saved ones. A co-worker of his has also left several messages. I never really knew just how many minutes you could use up on VM, but I know it’s a hell of a lot more than on a regular answering machine.
I really hope to get my mother’s letter today, but in the meantime, I sent Kim and Bob’s. Weekends are when I’m the busiest, so I may mail their letters every Friday instead of every Monday. When I’d send them on Mondays, they’d usually get them on Thursdays. If I sent it on a Friday, they’ll probably get it on Tuesday. Tom says maybe even Monday. It’s weird how it only takes 2 days for me to get mail from MA or CT, but if I send mail there, it usually takes 4 days. It’s 4 days back and forth to FL seemingly, too.
I did some singing a little while ago. It started off a little strained, then not too bad at all.
It’s been really quiet around here lately. I love it. May God please keep it that way!
Well, I’ve really been into word search puzzles lately, so I think I’ll go do that and I’ll write more later.
11:55 AM
Bummer! No letter from my mom. I got all junk mail today.
Tammy got her figurine in one piece. Thank God. I hope my parents are as lucky and get theirs in one piece, too.
8/28/1994 Sun. 8:37 AM
Boy, have I got my work cut out for me! I still haven’t gotten my mom’s letter yet, but I began a letter to my parents a little while ago.
Tomorrow I’ll have been here one whole year!!!!
Andy’s got 47 messages on his VM, and he’s going to have more later.
Tom downloaded some new fonts from America Online before he went to work. He told me to go through them and write down the ones I didn’t like. There were only two I didn’t really like that were samples and some of them looked the same but had different names. I really like Old English and St. Frances.
Tom’s going to show me how to make word search puzzles soon. Supposedly it’s really easy. All you do is size it, tell it what words you want to seek out, and it’ll scramble it into a word search puzzle.
The C drive crashed, so Tom had to transfer what was on there to another drive. This is why I’m glad my journals are on the B drive, as the stuff is not stored on a main drive. It goes on a floppy disk.
Shall I do another book of letters? I’m thinking about it and if I do, I’ll use 79. Got a letter from Kim yesterday, thanking me for all those Bob letters. She said she read them all in just two sittings. Wow. I thought it’d take her 20 sittings.
Tom got a book on how to make your own books, pamphlets, boxes, etc.
Yesterday he worked a lot on the cooler, making major progress with it, and I helped.
Yesterday we also went out and I got two bras. Haven’t got new underwear yet.
I got a triad optical illusion book to color. It’s a lot like the one Kim gave me in Deerfield that I’ve been looking all over for.
Also got 3 new really nice journals. Now I have a total of 81!
Sex with Tom and I have been so much better. In fact, we broke another record. He came this morning! I’m sure he’d never lie about it, but it was a mild one where nothing really came out. He said it felt really good, like he was cumming, then it instantly got soft. Women sometimes have very light orgasms, so it’s possible for a guy too, I’d guess.
I wrote up the messages for the thank-you cards for Margaret, Geneva, Char and Jim and Goldie and Al.
8/30/1994 Tues. 7:37 AM
Boy, I can’t believe how many entries start off with “I’m in a great mood” since I’ve been here, but it’s true. One of the reasons I’m in a great mood now is cuz I got my period. The other’s cuz I’m only on Phase 2, but it’s a miracle already. I’m nowhere near as tight or as wheezy as I am in the mornings or at the end of my day.
Yesterday I rearranged all the photo albums. It took a few hours, but it was fun and well worth it.
Yesterday my back sure was killing me, my boobs were killing me and I had a ton of water retaining in me.
Yesterday I got an 11-page letter from Bob, but none from my mom yet.
Last night I checked Andy’s VM; he had 57 messages. I was asleep when he came in to get his tapes, so I know he made it in OK last night. I haven’t talked to him yet, though.
Still no calls from Fran. Great, huh? I don’t know if it’s cuz he’s lost his phone, or what, but I certainly don’t miss putting up with him.
Tom’s working on installing new stuff on the computer and he’s having fun with it.
Later we’ll do the thank-you cards and work on the new cooler.
