Jodi's Journal

Friday, July 31, 2026

December 1994

12/1/1994 Thurs. 5 AM

I just got out of the shower and now Tom's in the shower. He's going to go into work and come home around 9:00 or so, take me to get stuck, then drop me off and go to work again till the usual time.

Yesterday I typed up two more documents for Tom and now I'm going to go do up another one.

12:29 PM

I did 3 more documents. Arthur, Larry and Nicolena. I have 14 more to go. I also finished typing 26 and it's printing out right now.

The EKG and blood work took no time at all. If it were an Access doctor's office, I'd still be there. If there ever was a time to be the most grateful I'm not on Access, then that's today. We picked up 3 Azmacort inhalers and when I went to go pee, I set it on the back of the toilet. I hadn't assembled it yet, so the tube that contains the medicine rolled off and got flushed down the toilet.

2:10 PM

How nice of them. I just got a card to both of us saying: Happy first Chanukah together - enjoy the season - love David, Evie and Nickolena.

I guess most people do count the start when the knot is tied, cuz technically this is our second Chanukah together.

12/2/1994 Fri. 4:40 AM

Tom's taking a quick shower now while our Hamburger Helper is cooking. It's simmering right now, actually.

He took the plastic square out of my closet spider trap so its hinges could settle down on their own like the one in the living room. At this time of year, I won't have to worry about spiders coming down through it. When it gets light, I'll stand in my closet with the door shut and see how much light I see. The attic gets light through the turbines.

After Tom eats, he'll shave and be off to work at 5:30.

I think I'll go start another document.

A few more things first. Andy said he was going to have Elaine mail me something from Springfield, so I wouldn't recognize the handwriting, but he forgot my address. He said he'll mail it from here, so maybe I'll hear from him today in the mail. I remember him mentioning a coupon for my coffee, but I don't know what else he wanted to send. He said there were about 3 things. He did try calling Fran from Springfield, but his phone was disconnected. Is this why he's been such a good boy? Oh, I hope not cuz that may mean he'll try calling as soon as he gets a phone. But then why didn't he try before he lost it? And why hasn't he tried from someone else's phone? Maybe he's in trouble. I always felt it was just a matter of time before he got in big trouble where he's put away for some time.

I said I was going to let my nails grow out, but I cut them as usual. It's just so much easier to type and do other stuff with them short. I also cut my bangs. I don't have the patience to style them every day till they grow out and they looked pretty awful. Later!

6:35 PM

Tom's on the phone right now talking to Geri, who left a message about a computer question.

I straightened up the back room today, dusted and cleaned the bathroom. I want to get some of the rigorous cleaning out of the way, so I don't have to worry about it during those two weeks after surgery.

I had a hell of a scare today. Well, I did a small load of laundry, which I went to hang out to dry. Suddenly it felt like something was jabbing and pinching my lower legs. I figured it was pieces of grass, as it's pretty coarse when it goes dormant. When I looked down, though, there were tons of ants all over me, biting the shit out of me.

I ran in and ran water in the tub all over my legs. I took the clothes and threw them in the pool in the basket afterward. Then I took them out, wrung them out and threw them back in the washer. In the meantime, I have a couple of pairs of socks and underwear out on the line. Tom will get them when it's light out.

Another taste of Arizona today. The ants back east don't bite at all. I called mom cuz I couldn't call Tom when the ant ordeal went down. She told me to run water all over and put on lotion. I took a long hot bath.

I talked with Tammy, too. Mainly about the surgery. I do have some preoperative jitters. They never called about yesterday's tests, so I assume all's OK with me.

I also typed up the Ray document today and more than half of journal 27.

I wrote down my parents', Tammy's, and Andy's numbers, so Tom can call them from wherever. Either from the hospital or from here at home.

Bob must be hard up for money and stamps. His letters have been dwindling.

Well, I've got to get myself to bed real soon, so till tomorrow!

12/3/1994 Sat. 12:20 PM

I finished typing up 27. I just wrote another letter to Bob and just remembered how I sent him two nice pieces of stationery to use to write to me. Well, I never got them, so no more stationery for him!

It's so funny, yet amazing to think that this is the last Saturday of my life hearing out of only one ear.

I just remembered that quilt. Shall I try to continue with it? Nah. There'll only be a problem with it. Some may say that's a bad attitude, but I'll wait a while.

3:15 PM

I not only tried to continue with the quilt, but I finished it. It looks fine in front, but in back there are lots of threads and it's nearly impossible to pick them all out.

I got a birthday card from David, Evie and Nickolena, which was nice.

I know this may sound a bit selfish, but I'm kind of hurt that I didn't get a card from Andy, Larry or Tammy. I know that they're either broke, busy, or in the middle of a crisis but just a card would've been nice. I never even got cards from these people when I got married. Well, I still know they care anyway and will probably at least call me.

12/4/1994 Sun. 3:30 PM

This is the best birthday of my life. Never have I ever been so spoiled in all my life. Tom took me out to Walmart before the sun came up. I got a 5-drawer dresser and it's so great to finally have one. Now I no longer have my shorts, halters and nighties shoved in my closets on shelves. I got bigger knitting needles, a CD cleaner, two pairs of jeans and a king-size waterbed foam mattress pad. When we came home, we did some filming of the place.

4:43 PM

Well, we got done with round one of great sex, and later will be round two. As usual, someone tried to call during round one. They hung up, so I'm sure it was mom & dad.

Andy called to wish me a happy birthday. He was getting ready to go to work. He may be returning to Denny's cuz it's dead where he is. I told him that if he does, don't go back to the same one.

We're going to go to Red Lobster some other time. Earlier, we made pork chops. I made them while he was assembling the dresser. Now he's barbecuing steak, and I'm going to go do the garlic bread.

5:10 PM

OK, I stuck the garlic bread in. In about 10 minutes we'll be eating. Now, I'll begin to expand on today's events and the stuff I got. One of the pairs of jeans I got is regular jeans. They're petite 3/4, which I don't even have to hem. The other pair is stretch jeans.

The CD cleaner's really cool. You place it, play side up, in a case. Spray it with the cleaner, shut the case's cover, and turn this crank. That way, a round sponge rotates all around it.

I love the dresser, and I really did some rearranging between the closets, the small cardboard 4-drawer thing, and the dresser. It's brown and matches the bookcase nicely. The one my CDs are on, as well as the ones my journals are on. In the bottom two drawers of the dresser, I have shorts.

Gotta eat now but will resume soon.

8:18 PM

Tom went to bed, and I'm winding down now. I'll fill you in on all the details of today before I go to bed.

The bottom two drawers are shorts, as I said before. The middle is nightgowns and socks. The second is halters and the top drawer is panties and G-strings.

In the 4-drawer cardboard thing, bras are on top. The second is stockings, a slip and two butt wraps. The third is bathing suits and the fourth is costumes from dancing.

We filmed all the rooms in here, but I want to do more in more detail. I forgot to film the earrings I made. I also want to film jewelry, clothes, and my journals in more detail. Then, we'll do outside the house and a little around the city. I'd really like to film Castles & Coasters and Camelback Mountain in Paradise Valley.

Tonight was a classic example of how everything happens at once. Larry called, then Mom & Dad beeped in, then Tammy beeped in. We all had great talks. It was really great to hear from all of them. However, I'm getting soooo very beat now that I'll write all about it tomorrow.

12/5/1994 Mon. 11:15 AM

Just got in from my pre-op appointment. There's not much else to say about it till after the surgery. I hope and pray that I not only hear, but that they pull out any clumps of skin, infections, or whatever.

After the appointment, we picked up a few things from the grocery store.

Larry told me that he wanted to do something for my b-day and our wedding, but Sandy's car died and all kinds of other hectic things were going on. I understood and I know how most people hate to write.

He was in a good mood and told me a funny joke. What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and Jeffrey Dahmer? Well, O.J. Simpson only ate one of his victims.

Everyone sounded pretty happy there and I also spoke to Sandy, Jennifer and little Larry. Little Larry isn't so little anymore. We talked about all kinds of things and Sandy mentioned that they thought of getting a computer, but had no idea of where to begin. I told her Tom knew everything and could help. He was sitting right there and Larry said hi to him real quick.

Larry asked if we did Chanukah or Christmas and I said both. He said, "Happy Merry Chachristmaskah."

Time for a cigarette now, but I'll write more later on this and whatever else.

Now I'm going to go listen to music with headphones since I'm not going to be able to do that for a while. Then, maybe I'll do some more writing. First, though, I got a really nice birthday card from Andy, which I copied in 7. There was no stamp or cancellation on the envelope, so he obviously came by and stuck it in the mail slot.

9:25 PM

After this is all over, I sure as hell am going to have some serious letter writing to do. Sandy and everyone really liked the letter, and we talked about some of the things I do, including drawing. I said I'd send a letter, as well as some drawings and told her I had some scanned into the computer and could print them out.

I wonder what's been going on with Bob that's got him writing less and less? He's probably hard up for money and stamps.

I said that after I finished filling up the end of 7, I would no longer copy them, and would store them in books. Well, just maybe I will write them in blank pages where I didn't write back to back, seeing that I'll probably never get any more letters from Kim and very few from Alex and Bob.

Now that I have a king-size foam pad, I'm going to use the twin one as an exercising mat. It really kills my back when I do crunches, as well as my hips when I do leg lifts for the outer thighs. I wrapped a sheet around it after folding it in 3. I was going to use it on our very uncomfortable wooden bench swing out back, but instead I threw a couple of pillows on it. Plus, I'm not on it that often.

Tom tried to call his coworker friend Eileen to give her a pre-op update, but she wasn't home. He did talk to his mom, though, who asked if I'd need anyone else to hold my hand besides him. He told her no, cuz I'd be pretty out of it anyway. Yeah, I'll bet. I hope he's not too bored waiting through all this as psyched as he is. I'll suggest he gets his mom or someone to keep him company. He's got 6 people to call from the hospital. Eileen, his parents, my parents, Tammy, Larry and Andy.

The doctor said he'll hang around till I come to and tell me how everything went, although I won't remember a word he says. Thank God for Tom, as he will be my informer.

I got up at 7:00 this morning and I amazingly napped for about an hour and a half today. Who knows when the hell I'll fall asleep, but I'm not worried about it as I'm not getting up till 5:00, which is a half-hour before we'll be leaving here.

I've already shaved and done my hair; I can't eat or drink after midnight, so there's no point in getting up till the last minute. Just long enough to get somewhat woken up and have a few cigarettes.

I will be able to wash my hair, but not near the bandages, naturally. Tom will help me.

Earlier, Marge called to tell me about an Arizona woman who's to be on either the news or some news show about an operation for hearing, but I'm taping a movie.

I'm going to have to hang low, so I expect to watch a little more TV than usual. As well as writing and typing.

12/7/1994 Wed. 6:40 PM

I’m out of surgery now and back home. I am still kind of out of it and cannot stay upright to write for too long. I am quite groggy and my ear is painful and achy. I am taking painkillers for it. My jaw also hurts as he took a piece of muscle from it, so I cannot close or open my mouth all the way.

12/8/1994 Thurs. 1:38 PM

Now that I am starting to feel like a human being once again, I can finally start to write all about the surgery and everything else. Tom woke me up on the morning of the 6th at 5 AM. Of course, I couldn't eat or drink, so I was hungry and dying for a cup of coffee. I had my cigarettes anyway.

When we got there, I signed a few papers. It sure is faster and easier to write out my married name several times than my maiden name, as I don't have to stop to cross and dot t's and i's.

4 PM

I had to stop earlier as "coming back" has been a slow process. I just had something to eat, so I feel better.

Before I get into all that's gone on, I want to say that there are no words to describe how Tom's been. He is a miracle, and even my mom mentioned how unreal he is. So patient, so calm, so loving, so helpful, so understanding, so supportive. He's talked with me, cheered me up, got me food, medicine and anything I needed to feel more comfortable. I never could've gone through this alone in Boston, even if I'd had the money to go back and forth. No one could be as good as Tom's been through all this. Anyone else would turn on me, unable to deal with it. We are both so much more motivated now in so many different ways. The computer business, singing, the kid, etc.

Got a card with the flowers my parents sent that says: Dear Jodi, we're so happy for your successful surgery. Love, mom and dad.

My parents are really thrilled and happy for me. Yes, I do believe there just might be a possibility that they could be happy for us if we did have a kid and not give us any bullshit.

Tom also spoke to Tammy, Andy, little Larry and his family. His family's really happy for me, too. I spoke to Tammy twice and Andy once.

Got a letter from Bob today.

5:45 PM

After I signed some papers, they took us back to a little room, which was sectioned off by curtains and sort of looked like an ER. A nurse put my clothes in a bag, which she put in a locker and Tom hung onto my pocketbook. He jokingly asked if people would think he was a fem for carrying a pocketbook.

The nurse also took my vitals and stuff like that. Then the anesthesiologist came in. She was young and pretty and as far as I know, all five of them were women, except for Dr. Nielsen. There were his two assistants and the surgical nurse as well as the anesthesiologist and the doctor. She put the IV in, then injected something that made me very woozy. I remember hugging Tom, then that was it.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up and the nurse said I was moving from stage 1 to stage 2, the last stage of recovery. She gave me an ice chip and I noticed I was quite wet in the middle. I had wet my bed for the first time since I was very little.

I was under for 5 hours and everything went super well. The doctor talked to Tom and one of his assistants did, too.

Shortly after I woke up, I remember touching the nurse's face and mumbling that I was alive. Then Tom was there. He dressed me and took me home, which is a very vague memory. We got home at around 2:00 in the afternoon. He went to get my prescriptions for painkillers and antibiotics. I dozed off for an hour or two.

The night after surgery, as well as last night, was pretty terrible. I had much more pain, pressure and achiness than I thought I'd have. My head is still swollen, I have a black eye and everything sounds amplified, distorted and a bit bassy. Sort of like when you have a head cold or flu.

6:50 PM

Last night was the worst, and I thank God it is over. I have a lot of numbness still, but last night I went numb down to my upper arms. That was due to the painkillers. I now take ibuprofen for any pain I have.

Until today, I had a strap on my head. It still sort of feels like it's still there, even though I feel much better now that it's off.

Last night was so bad that Tom slept with me and amazingly enough, he didn't wake me up every two seconds. I had the fan on but was lucky to get lots of sleep, which I really needed.

I could swear I almost died last night and Tom got his first experience with the "other side." My body felt like it was shutting down bit by bit. Tom said he sensed the whole thing too, and knew what was going on. I tried to call out to him, but I couldn't at first.

A note from Tom: Now it's time for me (Tom) to write a page in your journal. I know that you are starting to feel better because of the way you were eating cookies just now. You don't have a fever. I think by tomorrow you will be feeling like your usual hyper-rowdy-playful self. I love you. You have been a wonderful patient these last two days. Remember to take your meds at the proper time.

I forgot to mention that I quickly talked to my parents last night.

Shortly after I got up today, I called the doctor's office and she said to go ahead and take off the strap. Tom took off the strap and later on he put new gauze on my arm where he did the skin graft. The other one was falling off and all yucky. It was a hell of a sensation when Tom took off the strap and some of the outer packing.

I can already hear sounds!! Just imagine how well I'll hear when the doctor takes out the inner packing on the 20th of this month. He said my inner ear looked better than he thought it would look. When I block my good ear, I can hear Tom talk. He doesn't have to yell, either. I could also hear Piggy squeaking with the good ear blocked. I do notice a difference in music, but not much yet cuz of the inner packing and cuz I can't play it too loud.

My jaw is kind of sore, as he had to take a piece of muscle from it. The reason why I was having so much sensitivity was due to lots of scar tissue backed up in there from previous surgeries.

I talked to my parents and Tammy today to let them know about the difference I already have with my hearing. Even if Tom yelled before, there'd have been no way I could've heard him with the good ear blocked.

Back when I had all those operations in Boston, I used to save up all the hospital bracelets. Well, this one's for mom. I'm going to send it to her in the next letter I type. She and Dad, I mean.

Tom just went to bed. In his room, so we both ensure each other we sleep well again and can move around without disturbing each other. An example of that would be if I listen to music later, as I certainly can't use headphones.

Wow. That plane I just heard that flew by sounded weird.

Now I think I'm going to try to start typing a few letters.

8:45 PM

I just typed up letters to my parents and Tammy. Bob's will wait till tomorrow.

I forgot to say that not once did I puke or have a bad wheezing spell through all this. Thank God for that much.

One of the cards I got from David & Evie had tulips on it. I tore that part off and turned it into a postcard for my nieces.

It's funny to sit here and think that if only Fran and Nervous knew about all this. As well as some other people. They'd be shocked. Happy for me, but definitely shocked.

Goldie & Al should be calling within the next few days. I'm sure my parents have filled them in, as well as Boo & Max, Charlotte & Jim and those lovely aunts, uncles and cousins of mine who couldn’t care less.

I hope I've remembered all of the important details of all these events. Ma was laughing when I told her how Tom has carried on our lollipop tradition. Right now I'm sucking on butterscotch and watermelon candies.

We both feel this will make a lot of things much easier. Including our sex lives. How I hope to God there's nothing wrong with either of us. I would not be surprised and I would understand the so-called higher power's reasons for it, but I still hope all is OK with us.

9:46 PM

God, I haven't been able to take a dump since the day before the surgery, which really sucks. I'm so bloated.

I just listened to a little music and soon I'll have to take my Theodur as well as the antibiotic. My lungs have been so good. I wonder if that backed-up scar tissue could've played a role in making my asthma bad, besides the emotional and environmental situations I was in back east. Also, will having two ears help? Well, it seems to be helping so far.

My numbness and black eye are slowly, but surely, beginning to go away. I may go watch TV soon, but I doubt I'll be up for much longer. I may also copy Bob's letter in tonight, if not tomorrow.

The next journal may go quickly. There are only 100 pages, and it's unlined. I'll use my calligraphy pen in that. Wow, I can still smell the perfume I rubbed onto the back cover of this book from those samples I got in the mail.

Well, now I'm going to go get my next book started, which is the marble paper-covered one!

12/9/1994 Fri. 9:48 PM

I just glued in the card I got from my in-laws in the back cover of my journal. It came with the gorgeous plant they sent. There were 3 cacti with colored sand below them. It was very Arizona.

I wrote Bob's letter today and did some journal typing.

I still feel kind of off, but hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow. I'm getting there little by little.

Tom bought 4 boxes of dye so we can tie-dye some T-shirts. He got neon pink, rose pink, mauve and fuchsia.

Now I'm going to go copy in Bob's letter I got a couple of days ago and I will do more writing later.

12/10/1994 Sat. 10:40 PM

So much for writing later, huh?

Got a Christmas card and a letter from Alex today. I typed him a letter and one to my brother and his family. I also sent about 6 drawings to them.

Linda Ronstadt is supposed to be performing tonight, so I've set the VCR up.

I'm really glad Tom printed out that list of all the movies Norah's been in. Now I can just skim through the TV guide in search of those titles and not have to read every single one. It'll be easier whenever we go to a video store. Now I'll know what to look for. I also want to print more pictures.

I'm doing a couple of loads of laundry now. After a cigarette, I will explain all about my not-so-pleasant night last night.

11 PM

I had been constipated till 3 in the morning last night. I had the runs for over an hour, but I survived it.

I'm back to 99 pounds, but I feel all mushy. I have to make some serious changes when I exercise. The only question is what changes do I make? I only get temporary results and that's pretty frustrating. For one week there's a difference and I look and feel great. Then, I seem to lose all those results.

I really liked the idea Alex wrote about in his letter to me. About being video signing pen pals. He hasn't gotten a camcorder yet, but he says he plans on it this coming year.

Tomorrow we're both anxiously excited about screwing. I still wonder if things will change with him. I have my doubts, cuz seeing is believing for me. I know everyone is different, but he sure is different. The last time he was in there, he would go really slow, telling me how good it felt, how I had the perfect pussy, and it made him never want to cum. I asked him if it would bother him if I were never able to cum by him in me. He said no and asked me if it would bother me if he never did cum. No, cuz less mess and that shit smells like bleach. Yes, if we're going to have a kid. He says it'll be no problem. I know there's nothing wrong with him, but I hope he's not just saying he wants a kid. I'm sure he'd say so if he didn't and he's always been honest about stuff like that, but if he continues not to cum for too many more months, I will start to wonder. Wonder if he really wants it and if it's really meant to be. I'm really glad we waited, though, even though we had no idea till a few months ago about the surgery. Sure, with him and his family we could've gone through this with a kid, but it sure is easier when you don't have to. In the end, I agree with what he said. The less we worry, the easier it'll be. It's all in the hands of fate, as they say.

Singing session after next ciggie break.

12/11/1994 Sun. midnight

I had some leftover fried chicken too, besides a smoke.

As for my singing session - well - yesterday afternoon I sang a few songs. It felt so good to do this. I'm still weak, so I had to sing softly. It wasn't nearly as weak and as shot as I thought it'd be. Also, I surprisingly had no trouble with the higher notes.

Earlier I plucked my eyebrows. I stood standing in the shower while I took the shower massager and shaved my legs. Trimmed some pussy hair, too. Tomorrow I'll shave my underarms and Tom will help me do my hair.

He's also going to change the gauze on my ear, which I kind of dread. I still have pressure, numbness and swelling there. My jaw and black eye are tremendously better, but very close to my ear is swollen and I have no real feeling yet. It also looks like there are stitches by the top part of the frame. Tom says that from what he can see it looks more natural-looking and I oughta be comfier. The frame seems to have been pulled out like my good ear and is no longer stuck to my head. That'd be great as long as I don't look too much like a freak, despite my long thick hair, as it should make it easier to keep it clean. I hope to hell that soon enough it's no longer sensitive and tender and that I can sleep on it a hell of a lot easier.

Well, I may as well go see Linda now!

12:30 AM

Good God! Just when I thought she couldn't get any worse looking, she does. She looked like a total clown in this big, huge, baggy all-black thing, which I guess was a dress. More like a skirt with a baggy shirt over it. She got sooooo fat and she looks old. She did sing as great and as perfect as always, though. Aaron Neville was doing a 1-hour Christmas concert and she sang 1 song by herself and about 3 with Aaron.

It makes me wonder what Gloria's looking like these days. I think she looked the best during the Let It Loose album and during Cuts Both Ways.

It's funny how, as I was going through my journals from when I first got here, I realized I was off to a much rougher start than I thought or remembered. All that shit with Mark, Robert, Donna, Rosemarie, Ellie, Stacey, and that damn butch next door. Then there was Scott's shit as well as serious money problems. I've certainly paid my dues, though, went through more than enough shit (95% unasked for) and very much deserve how great things have been going for me.

I still sure as hell can't wait till I'm completely healed up and over this surgery. It's no fun to have your head rearranged and scrambled for 5 hours.

I forgot to mention earlier that Eileen called to see how I was. She used to work with Tom for a long time and he's worked on her PC a few times. If I'm remembering right, she has a butch daughter named Robin. Anyway, that was super nice of her to call, and she mentioned us meeting sometime.

I recently revised our "to do" & "to get" list. As usual, though, more things have been popping into my head, so one of these days I'll have to update it.

Tomorrow, we'll be planting the pink azalea plant I got from my folks in the backyard. We don't know where yet.

Andy left a message late last night wondering how I was recovering and I left him a message.

Just cuz I've always wanted to hear out of two ears will never mean I want to hear kids screaming, but I have a feeling that if Tom and I work out there tomorrow, they'll be at it. I haven't heard anything in ages, but for some strange reason, it does seem to happen more so when he's out there with me. I used to think that was some kind of message, but nah, otherwise he'd have been cumming all along and I wouldn't be a DES daughter. They say there's a reason for everything and I certainly believe that. There's got to be a reason I was "chosen" to be a DES daughter if it isn't what I've always thought the reason was.

We're not sure, though, if my ear is cuz of the DES. Tom said he thinks it could be some kind of tranquilizer they gave my mother while she was carrying me. My mother taking tranquilizers? I don't think so. I'm sure she'd refuse that.

Anyway, I've done mega writing and I'm beat. Going to go do one more ciggie, then conk my tired little ass out. Can't wait to see if tomorrow brings any "sex changes." I'll write about it nonetheless. Bye for now.

2:25 PM

We just planted the plant by the pool.

Tom's eating now and I'm going to do the same thing in a minute. Then, he's going to help me with my hair and with changing the bed.

He scanned in several of those animal drawings I did many months back. They look good.

7 PM

Now I feel a lot better. We washed and brushed my hair and Tom changed the outer bandage. It wasn't painful like I thought it'd be. I still have some numbness, swelling, and breathlessness and sounds are still amplified and basey, but it's really improving. My ear looks so much better and natural. It's no longer pinned to my head and it'll be so much easier to clean. I can already tell that the sensitivity and tenderness are much better. It's amazing how this Dr. could do this in one shot in an outpatient part of a regular hospital. Not an eye & ear infirmary.

It's scary to think of how I'd have felt if I never had the surgery. It makes me angrier than scared. You know how it is when you are on Medicaid and Medicare like I was. You're treated as a second-class citizen. If Wilcox sent me to a specialist, all they would've told me was to bear with it.

8:45 PM

I just typed up letters to my parents and Tammy.

Tom thought my folks were going to call tonight. Yeah, I thought so too. They must be busy. I hope to "hear" from Goldie & Al soon.

I'm having some itching with my ear. I know that's good and means it's healing, but it's obnoxious when you can't scratch it. It's better than pain.

I did a little more singing today. It's still easier than I expected.

We didn't play around today as I'm still not with it enough, but we will tomorrow.

Weirdly, I have way more feeling behind the ear than in my temple area. That part is still pretty numb.

9:30 PM

Please don't tell me I'm back to being constipated again. If I don't go by this time tomorrow evening, I'm taking another laxative, and I don't care how dependent I get on them.

Did I mention that Tom wants to start keeping a journal at the first of the year? He wants to do it on the computer. One file per month. He even said he'd let me read it. It'll be interesting to see what he writes and how he writes.

After I type up the rest of the book I'm currently typing, which is 28, I'll be typing up this one since it'll be a quickie. I knew it would be, though, and it's not as easy as I was counting on for me to write small with this pen.

Damn, my ear is itching again. Right in the new opening.

Well, I think I'll go get some coffee now and go do some more typing.

12/12/1994 Mon. 11:30 PM

Got a surprise in the mail today. A letter from Kim. I didn't think I'd hear from her, but I'm glad I did and it was a nice letter. I typed back all about my birthday, surgery, and Goldie & Al. I also got a letter from Bob and soon enough I'll respond to that.

Tom went down there today and it felt really good. To be eaten out is my favorite thing and Tom told me it's his favorite thing to do. Cool. He sure isn't like most guys, huh?

You wouldn't believe what also came in the mail today. My records from Mass. General Hospital in Boston. Finally! My memory's more screwed up than I realized. I thought I had all my operations from age 6-12, but according to them, there are a couple of differences. I guess the first time I went there for a consultation was in ‘75. The surgeries went from ’76-‘78. Tom skimmed through the papers. They also say that one of the last operations was done on June 6th. This is weird cuz I remember how it would always snow and how I'd be glad to miss school. I remember other kids from elementary school sending cards. In 5th grade, they threw me a party. At the same time, though, I have a vague memory of my mom and I walking in our yard. Someone else was there too, but who knows who and it definitely wasn't winter. Mom and I were kind of crying happy tears as this was supposed to be the end of all my so-called ear ordeals.

There are two other things I didn't know. I guess I had another ear put on before this one, but it didn't take and just didn't work out. There was mention of it being badly infected and I was in the hospital for 36 hours at the time they wrote this. Tom pointed out how they kept calling me "cute." I guess they really needed to try to cheer me up. I had nice eyes and hair, but I was no cutie.

Also, Grant Exterminating had medical insurance for me. I never knew that either. For some reason, I thought it was the March of Dimes who had paid for it.

12/13/1994 Tues. 1:11 AM

Thank God I took two dumps a few hours ago (no runs) as I was fixing to pop another laxative. I got quite a bit done and am beginning to feel a whole lot better.

Tom said it makes sense for sounds to sound basey for a while. Nerves are hearing sounds for the very first time that have never done so before. They have to learn how to channel and filter sounds properly. Also, the part of the brain that operates that ear has never been programmed as to how to deal with sounds. My brain has to program itself.

So, today I began another document for Tom. I'm on the Evie one now. I typed Kim's letter, but not Bob's yet. I copied in their letter to me, too. Maybe during the night I'll finish the Evie document, type Bob's letter, and do the dishes.

I spoke with Andy for an hour last night and we caught each other up on our lives. He says his cat, which he isn't supposed to have, is turning out to be a carbon copy of how Shadow was.

Another classic example of what I always used to say - why does it always have to be me to get caught? If it was me living over there trying to hide this cat, I'd have been caught weeks ago.

Well, time for me to go do some other things now. The only question is what do I do? I have a handful of choices, but I haven't made up my mind yet.

3:40 AM

I sure did lots of writing tonight. Tomorrow I'll type up the previous book. I should be able to do it that fast. Wow! This book really smells of perfume from those samples. I must've rubbed it on good. Anyway, there's not much to say now, so I'll sign off.

12/14/1994 Wed. 12:20 AM

I typed up 81, which only took about an hour and a half.

I forgot to say that the day we planted the Azaleas, no kids were screaming. I could hear stuff off in the distance, but not well enough to tell what it was.

Andy may call anytime. He went to meet a date and said he'll fill me in on it later.

I called my parents, and I caught them up on my ear, and finished the Evie document.

I never disbelieved Tom when he said he wants a kid, but now I really believe. We talked about all kinds of things earlier.

I took a bath and washed my hair. Tom helped me rinse it. Then he changed the gauze on my arm and ear.

Earlier yesterday morning before he went to work, I had a scare. I was lying on my side in bed, sipping coffee, when a spider ran over me. Yuck! Tom came running in with a paper towel and killed it. I asked how he knew to bring in paper towels and how he knew it was a spider. He said, "It's always a spider when you squeal like that."

Getting hungry again, so I think I'll go eat, watch TV, listen to music, then maybe get on with typing 29.

4 AM

Tom's up now eating the spag I made.

Andy called last night to let me know he was meeting this guy who sounds like Tom. He hasn't called, though, so I hope all's OK. I'm sure it is, as I don't feel anything bad.

12/15/1994 Thurs. 12:11 AM

Minnie called earlier. She had an emergency C-section. She had a boy and named him Coty Alan, if I spelled it right. She had been busy and lost my number. When she got her bill today with the number on it, she called.

She hasn't been able to get a ride to see Bob yet.

No more are their temperatures above normal. They're freezing their asses off. I don't feel sorry for them, but I wish it were hot here. I want to go swimming and get some color back. I'm white as a ghost again. I wish bee season were now, though, while I’m not in the pool.

My heart's been beating in a strange way all night. Sort of like in my head, too. I feel the pulsating rush of blood as well as hear it.

Yesterday Andy met that guy that sounds like Tom. He told me this (as best friends do), and I told Tom, who was laughing, that he was hot and the perfect type of guy. He was uncut, though, and would never go for that. I agree. That's totally gross. A few months ago, he said he's getting more and more of the same "message" I got. I always knew it wasn't meant for me to be with a woman. I began to sense I was supposed to be with a guy, even though I was so repulsed by that idea till I met Tom. It took a while, but I figured that out cuz of how often I'd get offers from guys. Yes, I know they go after anything and are easy, but if it wasn't telling me something about guys, I'd not only have not been able to get what I wanted in a woman, but I would've gotten fewer hits from men. So, in the end, it wasn't only telling me no to women, it was saying yes to guys. Andy's case is different, yet similar. When he said he felt he wasn't meant to be with a guy, I thought about it. Yeah, that does make sense. Especially at his age. I don't think something's trying to tell him something about women, though, cuz he hardly ever gets offers. That could be even scarier and worse off than in my case, but I hope not for his sake.

I began the David document and journal 29 and a Bob letter. Now I'm going to go make some clams in the deep fryer.

5:10 AM

Tom got up, watched the half-hour Sting concert/interview I taped him and now he's in the shower.

I just did some word puzzles and played with Piggy.

I'm going to try to stay up as late as I can and sleep as late as I can.

I started going through Mass. General's medical papers and 90% of it is all in medical terms I don't get. Kim might understand lots of it, and I wish I had her medical books. Tom says we can do research and decipher it using the computer. That's true.

I love how I went from being Hebrew to Jewish, from a student to a child, from being born in Springfield, MA, and from Jody O to Jodi D.

I hope some of the stuff we ordered through Fingerhut and some other place gets here soon.

Now that Tom's in the shower, I feel the need to shit.

I may or may not have said so before, but I've only got 22 journals to type up. Of course, there are going to be 22 more when I get done. Maybe less, though, cuz it's quicker to type them than it is to write them.

Guess I'll go get some coffee now and a cigarette.

11 PM

This weekend oughta be fun. Tom got two T-shirts to make tie-dye shirts with. He also got more of that decorative plastic used for melting and setting in molds. Earring hooks, glue and plaster of Paris.

A little while ago I was working on the David document and soon I'll finish that up and do a little more typing on 29.

I gave Piggy more pellets, fresh water, and a new house (the box that Tom's 12 pack of soda came in).

12/16/1994 Fri. 12:15 AM

Well, I finished the David document. I did some typing on 29, but now I'm bored. Guess I'll lie down a while.

9:20 AM

After busting my ass for several hours cleaning, I'm doing something I haven't done in quite a while. Listening to one of my old edit tapes.

Earlier I vacuumed, dusted, cleaned the microwave, washed the dishes, cleaned the bathroom, hammered the front door hinges all the way down and put a foam strip in the biggest part of the gap in the back door. That's quite a bit, huh? What a difference that strip makes.

It is absolutely freezing out. It's in the 40s and the closest to MA it gets. I can see my breath in the air. It definitely froze last night. The scary thing about it is, is that it's cold enough to snow out there.

I'd really like to do some editing now as it's been a while, but I'd rather wait till sounds aren't so weird. Plus, the track that I tape from is fucked up.

I'm trying to stay up as late as I can, so I may go do some more typing.

One more thing. In the hall right outside Tom's room was a full-length mirror. He didn't want it put up on his bedroom wall, so I busted it out of its frame and put it on its side in the paneled-over window in the living room. There was still enough room there for our wedding picture, the plates and other knickknacks I've got up there. It looks really cool.

Here's sweet old Laurie H now on tape. Now here's the CP lady, and earlier I heard the other Laurie from the Northampton CC. That was the call we made when Andy was here, but I was stuck in Deerfield. Before that was Donna A. Now the tape's screeching. Now it isn't. I'm not worried. I have backups of all my edits. As soon as Nervous and Fran came on, it really screeched. I'll just let it roll through. It's an old tape that just hasn't been played in a while. I wish I could magically snap my fingers and have this on CDs. As well as my other stuff, like music.

12/17/1994 Sat. 12:40 AM

I just saw the most sickening, cruel, unfair and depressing thing on TV. In a news documentary on India, it shows how not only is it perfectly legal to beat and kill women whose marriages are arranged, but it's a common, everyday practice to kill baby girls. Because it's a poor country, girls are considered too expensive and, in their beliefs and traditions, girls are a curse and inferior to boys. This drives the belief in me, like never before, that God set out to curse women and girls and that life's not fair. I believe God's got two things on His mind more and more these days. One, to control the world's population. Two, to ruin each generation more and more by giving more and more kids to bad people and to people who don't want them. I see no reason to believe or even think for a second that God would ever give us a child.

I know it'll always be hard for me to accept never having a kid, but I don't think I have a choice. Instead, I must put all my energy into stuff that's real, rather than dwell on something I can't do anything about.

I'm looking forward to today. We're going to do up tie-dye shirts and play around.

I was thinking of asking Tom if, every now and then, he'd say he was cumming when he's in there. It'd turn me on and make me feel more of a "normal" woman who's really pleasing him. However, I don't want to make him uncomfortable and make him feel silly, either.

Got a Christmas card from David and Evie yesterday. Before that, we got one from Geri. Already we have more Christmas cards than I've ever gotten in b-day and Chanukah cards combined. It sure is weird having Christmas cards and presents cuz it's like having two birthdays or two Chanukahs, instead of one of each. It'd be funny if we had a kid in June, cuz then it'd be 3 things in June and 3 in December. December would be my b-day, Christmas and Chanukah. June would be our anniversary, Tom's b-day and the kid's b-day.

Tom got a watch and a thank-you card from my parents. His card said: thank you for caring. Tom's never worn watches and I think he said he doesn't like anything around his wrist, so I hope he likes it. He must, as it's not anywhere to be seen, so he must have it on (he's asleep now). I laughed when I saw the $175 price tag cuz they never forget to remove price tags.

I think I'll go watch TV now. I'm sure I'll find another pregnant woman saying she's going to poison or feed her baby unhusked rice so it'll die, but that's life, huh? Obviously, it's also what God wants too, if He truly exists. He lets it happen, after all.

Maybe I'll do some more typing, too, as yesterday I finished the David document and began and finished Wendy's.

4:50 AM

I completed the Lolita document and worked on 29.

Tom oughta be up anytime now.

I may have a new radio station. Well, for the longest time I've been listening to KOOL FM. They play music from the 60s and early 70s. They also play some 50s. When I was watching TV, a commercial advertised a station that does only the 70s. I wish I knew of one that did the 70s and 80s. Some of the songs suck and others are great, so we'll see.

Now, it's off to type more.

5:45 AM

Now I've only got about 27 pages left of 29 to type up. I'm at the part where Stacey tried fucking me over. Yup, she had a thing for me that scared her. It also pissed her off cuz she couldn't and wouldn't act on it, so she lashed out at me. Just like Nervous, Fran and a lot of guys can be. If they can't get positive attention, they seek negative attention. It had taken me a while to figure out what was motivating Stacey, but upon reading back on the incident, yes, she had a thing for me. I'll bet you I was the first one she ever thought of in that way. If not, one of several, and it finally got to her after so long of being able to deal with it.

Boy, Tom's really catching up on his sleep and must've been tired. I just remembered he was to stop over at Eileen's after work to delete stuff from her computer. Eileen is the one with the gay daughter named Robin. She's got a husband and 7 kids. Good God! I wonder if she wanted that many?

The more I analyze a certain situation, the more confusing it seems. You know me, though. I love to analyze stuff. If God's out to keep me childless, then why keep Tom from cumming? All He has to do is make sure the DES sterilizes me. Is it to make us wait longer for whatever reason? Hmm… how does his not cumming fit into this when I could very well already be sterile? I'm sure I've already got all the pieces of the puzzle in my hands. It just takes time to put them all together sometimes. Just like it did for a few other situations. Hopefully, someday it'll make sense.

12/18/1994 Sun. 12:33 AM

Yesterday really did turn out to be great. We made two tie-dye shirts which look really cool. I'm wearing mine now.

We also had two rounds of fun. When I said I couldn't wait till I could cum by it, he said it looked like we were having a race and that tomorrow, which is now today, he's going to win it and cum. This I've got to see to believe. It feels so good to me, but I'm still improvising and getting used to the feel of it now that I can do it pain- and worry-free. It's hard to be able to touch the whole length of my clit like I do when he's in there cuz he's so big that it gets pushed up shorter. He was in deeper than he hardly ever is yesterday, and he said that was a great worry now gone from the back of his mind when he saw it didn't hurt. I also was able to sit down on him with him lying on the floor. For the first time, I went down all the way and was able to rock back and forth. There was no pain, pressure or discomfort.

Andy says Gloria had a baby girl by C-section the day after my b-day. He's going to bring the article over later, but right now he's at a friend's house.

Yesterday I finished 29. I've got 7 more to type up until I live here. I moved in in 42, but 35 isn't a journal, and I already typed up 38-41. So, unless I skip around as I did by typing up 81, there are only 5 more left till I meet Tom. I met him in 36. Going to start 30 later on tonight.

I can't wait till I can listen to music with headphones. I miss that. I can't wait till my appointment too, even though I'm nervous about it.

1:57 AM

Tom really likes his watch and is getting used to it. He said they're going to spoil him, and we agreed I'd thank them for him in my next letter to them.

In a bogus name, I've got 10 zoo books coming, a tiger poster and animal stickers. I saw the commercial for it on TV and called it in. It should be here in 4-6 weeks.

I'm not sure if Andy's still coming or not, but whenever he does, I'll give him some NPN envelopes. I wish there were a regular mailbox on this street corner here. Then I'd dump off a load every now and then.

2:15 AM

I did a load of laundry, took the garbage out, took a dump, took my meds, and watched part of Charlie's Angels.

In 7, I'm filling up the end with letters. There are only 12 pages left, but I'm still not sure where I'm going from here. Do I want to just keep them in boxes, put them in their own books or fill up blank sides of pages in books? As of now, I have letters filled up in 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 54, 57, 70, 72, 73, 74 and 79. They're also in 7, 35, and 75 and 35, 61, 65, 71 and 75 have no daily events. Other than 7, 35 and 75, I don't want to be mixing letters in with other stuff. The purpose of creating books of letters was so I could keep them grouped together. I'll just hold off for now; then perhaps I may create a BOL 13.

6:50 AM

I had a little scare a few hours ago with my ear. I had sat down to listen to music when I had an itch behind my earlobe. I felt some wetness, so Tom got up and changed the bandage. We're not too sure what was oozing, but it didn't look or smell infectious. We're sure it's just normal drainage, but I'm going to call the doctor in 10 minutes anyway. I have no fever or pain, so that's good.

Andy called during all this and I let him know I'd get back to him later. I left him a message at 4:00. He's probably sleeping now.

Tom went back to bed.

I washed my jewelry in warm soapy water and now it’s drying on a towel on the kitchen table. I also played some Nintendo games like Duck Hunt. I beat my record. Before, I could never pass round 13. Today I fouled up at 15. Later I'll play the racecar game.

I also put hair elastics on 4 of the many wires by the game and the TV. They had been all tangled.

Time for my coffee and to make that call.

7:25 AM

I just spoke to a Dr. Norwalk, who's on call for Dr. Nielsen. He said to see if I can get in to see Dr. Nielsen tomorrow.

I'm a little tired now, so I'm going to go lay down a while.

12/19/1994 Mon. 4:20 AM

I sure slept a long time, which is great. I needed it, and it'll make staying up for tomorrow's appointment no problem.

Tom's going to change my gauze when he gets up.

When I got up, I took a bath, shaved, and was able to wash my hair all by myself. It was much easier to do in the tub cuz that way I could have both hands free, rather than one of them holding the shower massage.

Yesterday I shortened two bracelets.

We weren't able to do our little race cuz after I let Tom know I wanted a little tongue action, I got pretty tired. Who knows what will happen today, but I still don't think he's ready to let himself cum cuz we're still not completely over this ordeal. After tomorrow's appointment, maybe things will be different. It takes time, though, so the latest things could probably change; if Tom's as sure as he says he is, it will be after the first of the year.

His mom called wanting an update on my ear. It's so amazing having all these people who care.

I may call my family tomorrow. It depends on how big of a deal it is. If it's not, I'll write them letters tomorrow.

11:30 AM

Sure do have some shocking yet nice stuff to tell. First of all, remember the picture of the little girl I mentioned that Ma picked out for my b-day? Well, I drew it early this morning and it came out good. I wish I had a pink and a flesh-tone colored pencil, though.

We screwed around this morning and as far as Tom's concerned, he came. What do I think? I don't know. He seemed like he did by the way he was moving before he did, then suddenly he went limp. I don't know if anything came out. Maybe a little. He says it varies with him, but has never heard of it leaking out of a woman like pee afterward. It was like that for me with that asshole Ron when I was 21. Tammy agreed it varies.

I asked Tom if he thought that was enough to have a kid and he said he thought it was cuz it's the sperm count that matters, not the volume of cum. Yeah, I've heard that before.

Anyway, sex for both of us has been so much easier and so much fun.

I did the Dureen document today, as well as some journal typing and a letter to Bob.

I don't know if I said so before, but as of the 1st, stamps will be 32¢. That's so fucked up. The PO has enough money. They blame it on electronic mail. Yeah, everyone has to blame someone or something for their greed.

12/21/1994 Wed. 7 AM

I sure do have my share of updating now. I've already sent letters to Tammy, my parents, Bob, Kim, Alex and Minnie, but not my brother yet. I figured I'd call him on his birthday and also send him a birthday letter and then I'll tell him all about it.

About 90% of yesterday's appointment went great. My arm and most of the skin graft are healing well, but there is a part of the skin graft that didn't take. The good news is that the doctor's sure it'll heal. There are still dissolvable stitches and packing that are keeping the eardrum still till it heals, so he said it can take 2-6 months to know just how well I'm going to hear. The way I hear now is how you'd hear if you took your hand and covered one of your ears, but not tightly. At this stage, he said it's supposed to still be muffled and bassy.

In a week or less, the bandage on my arm will come off and that'll mean it's healed well enough to be exposed.

It didn't hurt like I was afraid it would when he took the packing and stitches out. For now, he wants it open and exposed to let it heal better. It doesn't look too gory, thankfully. I have to put eardrops in it 3 times a day and then once a day, as well as an ointment that keeps it from itching.

The only other bummer that's a major inconvenience is that I have to keep water away from it, so I still can't take normal, worry-free showers. Tom has to help wash my hair as well as do the drops and other stuff. He doesn't mind and he's been such a miracle through all of this. Again, whether or not you can handle this, there's no way you can go through this alone with no one helping.

It's so weird, though, putting drops in that ear when I never could before in my life cuz it was closed up.

Also, for the first time in my life, I can block the good ear, scuff my feet on the carpet and hear it! When Tom was on the phone talking to his mother, I could block the good ear, walk into the bedroom and still hear him!

Later, Tom's going to see if he can pick up a shower cap for times I want to shower without doing my hair. I like baths, but not all the time. He's also got to pick up some Kleenex as I get some oozing here and there due to the drainage.

I have to return for follow-up appointments on 12/28, 1/5 and 1/10/.

I remembered to tell people this time when I wrote to them what Larry had said – that now I could tell people that something they've said to me has gone in one ear and out the other.

Tom's going to come home from work at noon for the rest of this week, to do my ear drops, then I'll only need them once a day. Well, that's the scoop on my ear for now.

Yesterday I finished oldies tape #2, so today I'll begin #3. Yesterday I got an old song by Paul McCartney and Wings called Let ‘Em In. I used to love that song and I haven't heard it in years. I had the 45 of it when I was little. I got lots of other good songs, too.

Andy wants to use the Phase-Out thing for his smokes. I don't want it to be a hassle for me, so I'll tell him to pick one day a week that he gets a carton and that's when I'll leave it in the screen door for him to use after I show him how; then he can toss it back in the mailbox.

Tom talked to Tammy and Andy yesterday. We tried calling my parents, but they weren't home.

11:11 AM

I just washed up, changed the bed and worked out, believe it or not. I’m working out slightly harder due to not doing it for a few weeks.

Tom's been joking about us having twins. He says he's not joking, though, and that it's a gut feeling. We'll have a boy and a girl. Oh, God! It may sound kind of neat, but I think one's enough.

I've got the tape in the box ready to begin oldies tape #3, but so far they're playing shitty songs. I think I'll move the tape to the box in the back room and do some typing.

Tom postponed our going Christmas shopping for his family till tomorrow or the next day.

Yesterday I amazingly fell asleep after only being up for 12 hours and I slept for 10 hours.

12/22/1994 Thurs. 6:30 AM

Tom woke me up at 3:30, but we decided to do my hair instead of the Christmas shopping. He'll probably do that himself tomorrow, as we don't want to keep getting me up too many days in a row. In fact, I feel like I could go to sleep for a few more hours.

We were just discussing what Tom's going to get for his family. He's going to wrap the presents and I'm going to fill out the name tags with my calligraphy pen.

Now he's going to be taking a shower, then he's going to have to do my ear.

Yesterday the Minnie Mouse jaguar blanket came. It's quite comfy and I'm lying on it now. We've got it spread out on the living room floor.

I finished typing 30. I also got 2 songs on oldies #3. Today I'm going to type up another document for him.

10:40 AM

I typed up the Mary document and now I'm working on Lisa's.

I just decorated some envelopes. I have a little ruler with shapes cut into it. I traced these shapes on the envelopes and colored some in.

They say it may rain today and I sure hope so, along with others. The pollution due to all the snowbirds coming here has been lousy this last week.

I'm due for my period today but haven't gotten it yet. I know it's coming, though, cuz I sure can feel it. I hope I get it tomorrow to shed some of this water off and the tenderness in my breasts. I feel like a blimp.

Before I do some more work on the Lisa document and also journal 31, I think I'll go listen to music. Throughout the day, I hope to expand on oldies #3 quite a bit.

3:45 PM

I got a lot done today. I did another document. So, now both Mary's and Lisa’s are done. I began typing 31 and I updated my journal chart. The one I hang on my bedroom wall.

I just noticed a dime-sized bald spot caused by the pressure strap. Thank God it's where my bangs are and not the long part and that my hair grows fast.

I tried to call Tammy at 3:30 my time. I guess she really can get a babysitter more easily than she said, cuz some 13-year-old girl answered saying she was with Bill, who's getting treatments. This girl was smart when she said the time differences correctly. Plenty of people in their 20s and 30s don't get it right. I tried calling again a half-hour ago but got her machine.

I discovered a note from Andy in journal 31 that he wrote on my birthday card in 1992. I copied it in 7. I also think there are a couple of letters we got by mistake but I'm not going to copy them in.

Got a letter from Bob today and one from Kim. She says she understands my situation as far as why I didn't see her; all's fine, she agrees with me, and she won't worry if I won't. She's also happy for me about my ear. I was really glad to "hear" all this from her.

Copying these letters finished out the remainder of 7, so here's what I'll do now. I was asking myself, should I do another book of letters? Keep the originals in a box? Fill up blank pages with them, or put them in wherever I am in current journals? Well, I'm going to type them, then print them out and put them in binders just like my typed-up versions of my journals. I'll print out every 10 pages or so, and I won't type them in all capital letters. I'll change fonts for every letter.

I'm surprised I haven't heard from Minnie yet, but I'm sure I will very soon. Maybe not, though; she just had a kid.

The air is still pretty terrible, so I hope it hurries up and rains.

12/23/1994 Fri. 9 AM

Tom's taking the day off from work and right now he's playing computer games. Early this morning he went and got Christmas presents for his family. The people he got presents for are his parents, David and Evie, David and Mary, Ray and Nora, Nickolena (David and Evie's kid), Mikey (David's kid from a previous marriage), Jackie, Pam and Ryan (Ray and Nora's kids) and Jennifer, who is Pam's kid. He got stuff like household stuff mainly.

He says his family's curious to see my artwork, so he's going to use my drawings on nametags. It's amazing to have all these people curious about me. Also, how Tom really thinks I'm a good artist. Most people just don't care.

If I don't get my period today, this will be the second time in 1994 that I'll be two days late. This time around, do I think I'm pregnant? No. I know I'll get it.

I listened to music a little while ago and now I have the radio on, ready to record any songs I like.

9:50 AM

Tom got more binder reinforcements. I have 6 journals done. He also got shower caps and I just took a shower.

10:45 AM

I was sooo horny, but Tom just took care of that.

In a little while, we're going to work side by side on the two computers.

1:30 PM

I did some typing on the computer and listened to music.

Since 9:00 last night, it's been raining and I feel a million times better. The air is so much cleaner.

Tom and I tried to call my parents last night and today, but there was no answer.

Tammy called last night and gave the latest scoop on Bill. I really don't feel he'll be around past next summer. I have a feeling that he's going to go next July or August, but I sure hope, for Tammy and the girls' sake, that I'm way off for the better.

3:45 PM

Tom's watching a special on Meat Loaf I taped for him.

Soon, we're going to be eating the Hamburger Helper he made and the garlic bread I made.

We finally got in touch with my parents. They haven't heard from Goldie and Al either. They said for New Year's they're going to be taking part in some comedy show at a hotel. He says he doesn't know all the details about it yet, but I sure wish I could see that on video.

Dad said Ma's thinking of getting a computer for the flea market. How much do you want to bet that I inspired her? Also, she knows she can ask Tom and me any questions she may have.

I said Tom could tell them more about my follow-up appointment since, for the most part, I was out of it. He joked, "You're always out of it."

I mentioned how I was shocked that they didn't have a camcorder and Dad said, "Send us one, then."

Then Ma said that Tammy said I was in touch with her (as if to say that's nice of me).

Dad mentioned how each year gets better and better for me. This is so true. It'll be like - wow! If 1995 is even better, cuz 1994 was so good. I never thought I'd ever say that about any year even though I ain't got my foot jammed in the door musically.

I typed up letters to Kim and Bob and Tom showed me a better way to use the capping trick so it'll now cap after question marks and exclamation marks. The only thing it doesn't cap is certain names as well as the first letter of words beginning paragraphs.

12/24/1994 Sat. 2:45 PM

I got up at 5:30 this morning. Tom was already up. Today we watched TV, did some computer work, barbecued a steak, did laundry and screwed. Soon we're going to wrap the Christmas presents for his family.

I'm two days late again for my period, but then again I'm not. No woman is that consistent with getting it every 28 days. From looking at my chart for 1994, 26-30 days is normal for me. I won't be officially late till tomorrow evening, but I know I'll get it. Probably when I wake up.

12/25/1994 Sun. 11:08 AM

Tom's taking a shower now and in a couple of hours, we'll be heading to his parents' house.

No more laxatives for me. They made me have the runs again.

I took a bath and Tom washed and brushed my hair.

Still no period. Do I think I'm pregnant? No. I think it's the shock of the surgery and all I've been through with it. Or else I'm just late. Either way, I'll get it by mid-January.

12/26/1994 Mon. 5:40 PM

Yesterday sure was a surprise for me. Once again, it's like having either an extra birthday or an extra Chanukah.

Here's what Tom's got: An electronic horse racing game from David and Mary, and a magnetic bowl for parts like nails and screws from Mom and Dad.

Here's what we both got: A calendar and a chicken roaster from David and Evie. A Tupperware container of cookies and candy from Ray and Nora, and a glue gun from mom and dad. We each also got a $50 bill in tiny Christmas socks she made with our initials on them. His was red and mine was green. Definitely the first Christmas sock I ever got in my whole life.

Here's what I got: A clothes hanger that you use to cover clothes with. Especially when you're traveling. She made it (mom and dad). Two 3-D posters from David and Mary and lots of other stuff Mom had. A tie-dye book, various art books and supplies, and two journals! I could tell she had the journals for a while. One of them is like #2, and on the back there was a price tag that said $4.95. That's what #2 cost back when I got it in early 1988. That was the price of the average journal. Now the average journal is $6.95. The other journal is a bit shorter and narrower, but it's the thickest one I have, with 192 pages. It had a paper cover saying, "The next to nothing book." I took that off and it's got a blank silver cover. Meaning, it's all silver. I wrote, "Mystery's Journal" on it with a permanent marker and then traced over it with a regular ballpoint pen. The funny thing about this is that Ma wrote 3 pages of religious stuff in 1980. I'm going to just leave it in there. Her handwriting sure does look like Tom's, which looks like Bob's. I did some sketches in it, too.

8:12 PM

Still no period, but Tom and I are certain it's just due to all my mind and body have gone through due to the surgery and that I'll get it soon enough.

Guess who called tonight? Fran. Tom answered, not sure of who it was and handed me the phone. Tom's right. He does sound like Larry in a way. I hung up on him, but the little loser was talking as if nothing ever happened, all cheerful and like I'm his best friend. So now I know why he hasn't called in so long. He did lose his phone for a handful of months. Andy had told me that when he tried to call him when he was in Springfield, his phone was disconnected.

12/27/1994 Tues. 12:20 PM

Today I'm being sort of lazy again. I couldn't fall asleep till 1 AM, then Tom came to do my ear with the peroxide and ointment at 7:30 before he left for work. I fell back asleep till 9:30. It's been so much easier to go back to sleep cuz there's no continual noise. Also, it was pretty hard to fall back asleep when you're so pissed off at the noisy people around you. This is the best and easiest I've slept in years. It's great not having those two dreaded fears I had for so long before going to bed - Will I wake up with an asthma attack? Who will wake me up?

Amazingly, Fran never did call back again last night. I thought for sure he was going to leave a message or two. I have no desire to ever talk to him or Nervous ever again. I don't even miss any good times we had, even though there wasn't a whole heck of a lot of those. I don't miss our funny talks or desire to tape and edit fights between Fran and Nervous or play games with Nervous. I'll always love and keep any tapes I do have, but I've certainly outgrown them and have moved on.

12:36 PM

I was just going to say that I still haven't had my period, but I've got a couple of spots now. I knew I couldn't be pregnant. Like God would finally let me have what I want for a change?

Anyway, I'm going to go do some typing now.

9:16 PM

Today was a much better day. I felt more like my old self. For the few days before today, I was either bitchy or energyless.

I'm not sure now if that really was a spot. I had thought I was going to spot, which always leads to my period instantly, but the coast has been as clear as can be. I even put on a panty liner in the early afternoon but ditched it a few hours later. When Tom went down on me earlier, he said my pH was fine and that I tasted fine, so that tells me it's not right around the corner. Well, it may not be, but I can't say for sure.

I was talking to Andy today for about an hour. When I was mentioning the dizziness and other side effects or alterations due to my surgery, I also subtly mentioned being 5 days late. Then, we went on to discuss how he feels very abandoned by his family and friends back east. No cards, calls or letters from anyone. Then he said he had gotten a flash about my being pregnant when I said I was 5 days late. Honestly, I can't see it. Who knows what the future holds, but right now it doesn't seem real to me and my instincts say it'll be here before mid-January. I feel like God’s teasing me!

Goldie called an hour or so ago. She thought my surgery was today. I didn't talk to Al, but she was so happy for me and they're in Las Vegas. I told her Ma said to call her cuz she didn't have their number.

I completed the Becky document today and did I mention doing the Steven one a few days ago? Well, I did. I only have 5 documents left. The names are Eileen, Maria, Lamaris, Diane and another name I forgot. I also typed up quite a bit of 31.

Yesterday I took a water pill for the first time in quite a while. It's great cuz I'm 99 pounds and look like I do after my period.

Now I've got no idea what in the world I'm going to do. I'm sick of typing and not in the mood for music and TV, so I'll have to think of something.

Oh, I forgot to say this before, but I've got a current total of 355 letters. That's a lot of letters!

12/28/1994 Wed. noon

I wish I had lots to write about cuz we're now at the doctor's office where we'll be for a very long time.

I had a spot today, so tomorrow I'll be ragging full blast. As I said, I knew I could not be pregnant and I know I'll never be. Am I upset? No. There's no use in getting upset over something I've already known. Also, there are so many positive things to not having a kid as well as to having one. I guess this is God's way of telling us we don't need to deal with any other burdens.

12/29/1994 Thurs. 10:11 PM

I sure did get a lot done today. I finished typing 31 and 82, the previous one. I also typed letters to my parents, Larry, Kim, Bob and Minnie. Yesterday I typed one for Tammy and maybe tomorrow I'll do one for Alex.

Yesterday I also got my period full blast. It wasn't as easy to accept as I thought it'd be, either. Despite any fears or doubts, I really do want a kid.

The doctor's appointment went OK. There is still a part of the skin graft that isn't taking, but he really feels it'll heal. We're going to buy all the time we can to avoid another operation. There's exposed bone in there now by the eardrum, but hopefully it'll stay infection-free. I know if I had to have another operation, it'd be a joke compared to what I already went through, but I sure hope not!

As I was typing up the previous book, I noticed a few things I forgot to update on. We lazed out of putting my drawings on people's Christmas name tags, for example. We both ended up wrapping the gifts together and I wrote out names with my calligraphy pen on small pieces of paper, which I taped onto the gifts.

Yesterday the doctor did give me some good news. I can now wear headphones and wow! It's pretty cool. I can shower now too, but I have to stuff a cotton ball in it and make sure that ear doesn't get filled with water. He doesn't care about the outside, though.

I also typed up Bob's letter I got yesterday and put it in a binder.

On Jan. 2nd we're planning on going out holiday shopping for each other.

We got a catalog today in the mail with all kinds of porn videos and toys and lotions and clothes. It looks kind of interesting and we may get stuff to spice things up even more, not that we're bored.

Tom insists he was not kidding when he said he came back when I wrote about it in journal 82. Whatever.

I know I've got more to write about that's slipped my mind at the moment, but I will after I watch TV. Oh yeah. I updated our list of stuff to do and get. Also, this Sunday morning, there'll be two movies with Norah in them. Local Hero, which I've only got part of cuz the cable had been fucked up, and Deadly Game, which I've never seen. I'll expand more on this later, but I sure hope she doesn't have short hair!

12/30/1994 Fri. 1:09 AM

I'm dealing with a part of Tom that's very typical male and the only thing I miss about women. Male BO and male sloppiness. It's not that he ever stunk so bad that I couldn't get near him, but the scent in his room is far from feminine. I highly doubt he changes his sheets weekly, as he once said he did. In fact, I've never seen him do sheets. It smells like it could be drool buildup, but I don't know for sure. I've asked him before, and I'm going to try to see if he'll let me in there to dust, vacuum and wipe surfaces. It's just that he really, really is hung up on living in filth. He really does like it. One time he spilled some soda and I offered to clean it for him and he was like, no, no, no. The longer that sets in, the harder it'll be to clean, but he really likes that. I know how sensitive he is and want him to be himself, but we've compromised on other things, so I'm sure we can compromise with this. I've decided fair is fair, though, so I'm going to make a serious effort to smoke outside.

Tom made the period chart for 1995. Yeah, I’m sure to get each and every one of them, too.

Also, there's a sex chart in the front of this book. It's just something to do, and I'm curious to see how often we screw. At the end of the year, it oughta be neat to see what the pattern is if there is any.

Tom reminded me that if I want to watch the ball go down in Times Square, I'll have to watch it at 10 PM. No wonder I couldn't find it when I searched for it my first New Year here when it turned 1993. How stupid of me.

For a half-hour to 45 minutes, next door really got on my nerves and it wasn't the kids, either. At about 10:30 last night, the guy drove in his somewhat loud van, which is parked directly outside my bedroom window. After a couple of minutes, he slammed the door after he got out, then came right back out and I could hear it running. At first I thought maybe he and the wife got into a fight and he ran out into the van, turned it on for heat, but was too mad to go anywhere. I peeked out after a half-hour or so and saw him approaching the van in a business suit, then he left.

The pigs must be hot on someone's tail right now. I hear helicopters swarming around out there. It doesn't bother me, but they sure must be desperate.

Earlier I watched a really good movie and I can't wait to see Deadly Game. I hope she's got lots of scenes and that her hair's not short and that I can create some pictures from it. I have gaps still on my bedroom walls that need filling up.

9:24 PM

Tonight sure was my night for phone calls. Minnie called telling me never to have a kid cuz she can't get no sleep. Marjorie called wanting to know about my ear but didn't need to talk to Tom. She was telling me that there was a massive shootout last night in this area. That explains the helicopters.

These people next door are really getting to me again. It's better than the kids screaming, but why must they constantly run their van for so long so many times a day? Can't they just come and go normally?

10:03 PM

I just took a break to listen to music and I didn't feel like writing to the tune of that van. It'll start up again any second.

Larry called and we had a good talk. He wanted to know about my ear and he told me a couple of funny jokes.

He was joking around and said there was a guy he knew who burned his eyelid lighting a cigarette and the only place they could do a skin graft was from his dick, so now he's walking around cockeyed.

The other joke is something about taking two typewriters and having someone type on each one. Then they can be stereotyping.

November 1994

11/1/1994 Tues. 12:13 PM

I only copied 4 of the 12 songs on Gloria's new CD. I also noticed an address for a fan club, so I sent away for information about it.

I just typed Larry and everyone else there a 2-page letter with all kinds of fonts.

Instead of going to the racetrack today, we're going to go alone sometime, so I don't have to be there for hours. I hope he wins money for the fair.

Andy got a job at a place called Caro's, if I spelled it right. He'll be working the dinner hours, so we'll no doubt see more of each other.

10:33 PM

Tom didn't win any money at the tracks today, but oh well. He took his parents there and they gave Tom a T-shirt, a buttonhole maker, and a really neat craft. It's a crushed can with a face painted on it. It's hard to describe, but it's quite clever.

I spoke to Andy too, who's psyched to start his new job.

After Tom came home, we ate, then fooled around. We also were both in the back room, each working on a computer. He showed me how to change the colors of the Windows title bar.

Can you believe I've only got about 40-something pages left of 19? After I finish typing 19, the next 4 will be my nightmare in the NHA. I'm deciding on whether or not I should skip them, or get them the hell over with. Tom said if he were me, he'd skip them. We'll wait and see how I feel later.

No mail for me today. I haven't been getting as much, but soon I'll type letters to my parents, Kim and Bob. One last one for Kim till she gets here. I'll have to call her to see if everything's still set and where she'll be staying. I'm not sure where she'll be staying overnight.

Today I got some information from Tammy all about her computer. Yup, it is a piece of shit. Hopefully, we can send her games soon.

11:03 PM

I just ate, watched a little TV, and left Andy a good luck message. I may not talk to him before he starts work at the new place.

Tom's going to wake me up tomorrow at 10:30 and we probably won't be back here till sometime late afternoon.

I'm glad I haven't gotten around to typing anyone's letters yet, as this way I'll have more to tell them.

For the fun of it, I'd really like to see a psychic and I hope they're not too expensive. I also hope they're better than the 900# psychics. They’re certainly quacks.

Let's see... what kinds of questions shall I ask if I see one? Perhaps stuff like, will our marriage last forever? Will we have a kid? Will we have a successful business? Will we move and when? Will I be a singer and if so, how well known will I be? Will I ever quit smoking forever?

Speaking of singing, I really got into it a while when Tom and I were in the back room.

11/2/1994 Wed. midnight

Now I shall begin in journal 80, as 79 is all filled up with letters. Soon after I start 80, I'll be listening to music, then crashing. I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. I'm sure it'll be lots of fun. Tomorrow, I may very well also finish typing up 19, then I'll decide what to do from there.

My movie should start recording soon.

Well, bye-bye for now, as I'm going to go start journal 80. After I finish 80, I'll probably head to 81, as I really doubt I'll be finishing that subindex, as I mentioned before.

12:53 AM

Wow! I can't believe I'm already starting my 80th journal. This pen is going to die on me any time now and I really don't have a whole lot to write about. I got all caught up in my previous book. Cuz we're going to the fair tomorrow, I'm sure there'll be lots to tell then.

I hope I get some mail tomorrow, too.

Anyway, I'm going to go and play me some tunes now, then make coffee and conk out. Tom will be waking up tomorrow at 10:30 unless I get up earlier.

Larry mentioned calling Tammy, but I forgot to ask her if he mentioned going to see her if possible since he will be working locally.

Did I remember to shut the computer off? Yeah, I'm sure I did, but I'll double-check it when I get my lazy ass up and off this bed.

I still have to have Tom show me how to print envelopes, and maybe we can check out the possibilities of my editing on the computer. He said it's not hard to do, but it's very different than anything I'm used to.

Well, that's all for now as I'm getting very tired and my hand's killing me. I'll write tomorrow evening.

11/4/1994 Fri. midnight

We went to the fair Wednesday for two hours. It was lots of fun. A lot like the Big E. They even had that same yellow wavy slide. I got cotton candy and we both got ice cream. We went on the ski lift and the Ferris wheel.

For only $12, I got a lavender crepe skirt with a matching top. The top has white lace trim with a tiny purple satin ribbon in front, but it slides down really easily, and Tom says his mom won't mind putting straps on it.

In a few months, when the county fair comes, we'll have to do the things we didn't get to do this time around, like play games, go on the big yellow slide, go in the funhouse, and get me a caramel candy apple. I forgot to get one on my way out.

When we came home, we ordered a camcorder through Fingerhut that's over $1,000. I can't wait, though, and it'll arrive in about a week. Can't wait to send videos of all kinds of things to my parents and Tammy and everyone. I'll write more about it when we get it.

Got a letter from Minnie today. I wrote her back as well as Alex, Bob and Kim. Yesterday I wrote to my parents, Tammy and Bill, and also stuck in a letter for my nieces. Did I mention that I typed a letter to Larry? Well, I did. He should get it Friday or Saturday.

Earlier I talked to Andy, who's got a cold and hasn't started work yet due to it.

I printed out all 33 pages of 19, and now I'm going to go work on those Windows & DOS tips for Tom.

11/6/1994 Sun. 2 AM

I just finished those 75 tips for Windows & DOS and am now printing them out.

Can you believe that two nights ago I typed up almost two journals? I decided to give it a try by typing up 20, one of the 4 NHA journals, telling myself I could stop if I needed or wanted to. I got through it OK and there were only 80 out of the 130 pages to type. I was so bored most of the time that I'd copy in charts, letters, and convos from tapes. Any stuff like that in any of my journals, I don't bother typing. I had almost finished with 21, which had the same number of pages when I got all this garbage as I got a couple of times before. All these symbols and shit like that. Tom and I managed to save the bulk of it, but I had to retype some stuff. To get it out of the way before more trouble happened, I left out a few pages of trivial shit, like what I ate, what I was wearing, what shows I watched, etc. I can still swear that something doesn't want me typing these journals. When I work on stuff for Tom, there's never a problem. However, I have a mind of my own and am now working on 22.

Got a letter from Bob the other day and today we got an invitation to go to a housewarming party at Jackie's. If I remember correctly, Jackie's Tom's aunt. I won't be awake to go, and I don't know if he's going.

When I got up, I was sneezing pretty badly for a couple of hours. I even thought I had a cold. Andy's over his cold and has had his third day of training at the new place. He's happy so far.

11/7/1994 Mon. 3:15 AM

I know I've been a bit sluggish with my writing lately, but I sure do have lots to tell. Amazingly enough, I've typed up journals 20, 21 and 22 in less than a week. Now I've only got one more East Coast journal to do. That one will take a little longer cuz it's bigger, with fewer pages, and contains letters, charts, lyrics, etc.

Here are the journal numbers I've typed up that total 300 pages. There are 34 altogether that I've typed: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 38, 39, 40, 41, 49, 51, 52, 53, 60, 62, 63, 77.

I typed up 61, which is a story. Here's the ones I will be typing up: 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 36, 37, 42, 43, 50, 55, 56, 58, 59, 64, 66, 67, 68, 69, 76, 78, 80, etc.

Here are the ones I won't be typing up cuz they're all letters or whatever: 23, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 54, 57, 65, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, and 75.

3:40 AM

We all know I have a bad habit of doing things before I think about them, right? Well, last night I did something that I guess you could say was stupid. As Kim's visit is getting closer, I've been a little more anxious. As I've said before, though, Tom told me that I'm an adult, can and should make my own decisions, trusts my judgment, and that all married couples don't always agree. This is very true, but instead I called Kim and told her I couldn't see her. After nearly 24 hours of thinking about it, I realized that disagreeing is one thing, fighting about it is another. I believe we're better than that now; neither of us wants to fight and we've gotten to know each other well enough to know we'd never set out to hurt one another. I'll call her in a while and tell her how I took my anxiety out on her and am sorry for it and hope she can still see me.

4:20 AM

I called and talked to Kim, who understood that with her visit and the surgery, I panicked. She will be staying overnight at those people’s house, knows my schedule will be off and that I want to do only local stuff. She was on her way out and couldn't talk too long, but said she saw Bob. She said he shaved his beard and mustache off and actually looked pretty good. Yes, she got the article from Minnie and couldn't believe it, saying she felt like she was reading about a totally different person. When we see each other, she'll fill me in more. On the 10th, she'll be calling me from that house at about 11 AM.

Tom made some changes with the picture-printing program, so I think I'll go see if I can whip up some fairly decent pictures.

6:46 AM

Tom got up about an hour ago. I printed out some pictures, and I intend to do more. Then we ate and played with Piggy.

11/8/1994 Tues. 2:37 AM

Not too much has gone on since I last wrote. We played around with the picture-printing program and just bummed around the place.

Andy left a message for Tom to borrow $20 if that was possible. He's still in training and isn't getting tips yet. As I was going to bed, he said he'd check the account and see if it was available.

11/10/1994 Thurs. 10:45 AM

I got about 20 of the above labels from some charity thing in the mail, so I use them as date separators. I wish they were the peel-and-stick kind, though.

Quite a bit has gone on over the last couple of days. Tom and I have had several talks. Once again, the visit with Kim is off, and as much as Tom always says, "You make your own choices. I'm not your daddy," it's something I chose to do for two reasons. One, cuz I believe in fairness and I know Tom wouldn't do anything to make me feel uncomfortable. Two, cuz why not? It was no big deal for her to leave me all alone, cooped up in that apartment in Deerfield all the time. I also don't feel like I'm losing anything. Just her letters here and there. If it were Andy, my parents, Larry or Tammy, he'd have no problem and I know that for sure. He just never got over her waking him up when she was last here, even though he understands it wasn't deliberate. Some people never get over or forget things. I'll never get over or forget lots of shit either.

This morning we were in great moods, talking about all kinds of things; he thinks she's coming today. I never did mention the message I left on her machine yesterday (her plane should be landing right now), saying it was time I level with her about why we both had a problem with her coming here and that all I could deal with is letters and phone calls. I also told her that if she didn't want to remain friends anymore through the mail or by the phone, I'd understand and that I won't call or write her unless she does.

As for Bob's letters I was going to give her, I guess they're all going in no-postage-necessary envelopes for Andy to mail out. That is after I "delete" any traceable names.

I also sent a letter to Mark (Kim's ex) asking if he can let me know if Bob's been in jail before for the same thing he's in for now. Tom mentioned that possibility, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to see if I can come up with anything. For a while, I'll be his pen pal, although his letters have slowed down. I'll definitely give him the ax if I do hear any negative news from Mark, but I also might cuz he's getting so boring. He's just old news with the same old shit. All I really ever want for a friend is Andy.

Andy came and borrowed $20 one day when I was asleep and is so much happier at this new place and with being able to sleep late.

1 PM

Tom had been telling me this last month that he was going to get me a present for me at work. Something someone was selling, I guess. I got it yesterday. They're 8 folding postcards with flower stickers to seal them. The part you write on is all white and about the length of this page. 4 of the backs were green and white stripes and the other 4 were peach and white. I sent the peach ones to Andy, Lisa, Becky and Sarah. I sent the green ones to Tammy, Bill, Mom & Dad, Bob and Tom.

He also brought home a box of peanut butter cups and a box of mints that he got from Wendy's daughter.

In other news, I work on continuous typing stuff for Tom. Stuff from magazines.

I've begun typing 23, the last New England journal. This one won't be done as fast as 20-22, whereas it's bigger and there are fewer charts, lyrics, etc. Wait till I get to 76. That one will probably be the longest.

Yesterday, all by myself while Tom was working, I printed out some pictures with no problems at all. They look really nice and tomorrow I may do more and hope I have the same luck as yesterday.

The exercising I've been doing very regularly has been showing and I've been weighing 99 pounds. I hope it lasts.

The back room looks better than it ever has. It's really neat and organized.

I may or may not have mentioned that my folks sent us a brochure of their flea market. I didn't realize it was such a mob scene. Also, they sold fish, birds and animals, as their personal business card said.

I'm glad Kim hasn't called. She's probably too pissed off to as she said she was going to call at noon before I left the message yesterday afternoon. It gets funnier, the more I think about it. There were so many times I wanted to give her what she gave me for abandoning me in Deerfield. The only nice thing I'll remember is the financial help, the stuff she bought or gave me and her letters.

If I do ax Bob, and if I'm still writing to Minnie at that time, I'll simply tell her the truth, but that she's got to do what she's gotta do.

What will I tell my family and Andy about Kim's not coming? She just changed jobs and her mom's sick. The truth is none of their business and I don't want to discuss it over and over with so many people. Or to have them think that Tom made me do this. No one tells me what to do. It was my choice.

Alone or married, I'm more and more turned off of the idea of Bob coming out here once he's released. He's old news with the same old shit. My gut feeling tells me he may very well not live long enough to see freedom anyway.

1:35 PM

I feel bad for Tom as he busted his ass doing the backyard and the patio cuz of Kim. It needed to be done, but he wouldn't have had to do it all at once if we'd known I was going to call off her visit.

Anyway, I'm getting kind of tired, so I'm going to go take my meds and lie down. I'll be falling asleep real soon.

Cigna called. Gotta go for blood work and an EKG on Dec. 1st between 8 AM and 4 PM.

I believe on the 24th we're going to Dave and Evie's for a Thanksgiving dinner.

11/11/1994 Fri. 5:15 AM

I got up at 2 AM, and surprisingly there was a message from Kim that she left at 6:00 last night. To make things easier, I was kind of hoping she wouldn't call. She said she'll try calling back. I don't mind talking to her on the phone, but I don't want to see her.

Anyway, Tom awoke in a great mood a couple of hours ago. He just left for work for an hour and will be going back in for an hour this afternoon. In the meantime, they're still going to pay him for a half day's work at time and a half.

Tomorrow he may be in for most of the day.

5:40 AM

I was starving, so I made a TV dinner.

My waist is down to a 24½" so that's good.

Right now I'm going to go work on the computer.

7:30 AM

I just began an outline of a palm tree. On the living room wall where there are just the small table and coat rack, I want to do a huge wall mural of palm trees. I went outside and studied the palm trees out there to try to get it as realistic as possible. I'm going to wait until Tom gets back. With him being from here, he can give me the best advice and opinions.

God's going to pay me back really good, no doubt, haha. This is because I woke up Tammy and my parents. I forgot there's no school today, and my parents don't usually get up till 8:30 - 9:00.

Dad said that today he's sending out a Chanukah package by UPS and asked when Tom's birthday was.

Now I think I'll go get something else to eat.

11/14/1994 Mon. 2:22 PM

I have lots and lots of updating to do. I don't remember if I mentioned this, although I must've. When we got our new camcorder, we also got some free gifts. There were 3 little puzzles, but they were all white, so you could write your own messages, break them up and send them to people to put together. They were a little bigger than postcards, and they came with envelopes.

I sent one to Andy, one to my parents and one to Tammy and everyone there.

Andy returned the $20 he borrowed last night by slipping it in the mail slot.

I finished the wall mural in the living room. I drew a bird on a cactus, two palm trees with a hammock strung from both trees and a little girl sitting on it reading a book. Tom says the little girl looks like Barbra Streisand, but I don't see it.

Last Saturday when we screwed around, we used a rubber for the sake of making sure nothing gets in the way of my surgery. I thought with that peace of mind, with or without surgery, he'd cum, but he didn't. He said after the surgery we won't use rubbers. I don't think we'll ever have to worry. If we ever do try to have a kid, we'll have to hope that his pre-cum is enough to get the job done. I also still believe in meant to be/not meant to be, so we'll see.

I haven't spoken to Kim since she left that message the other day and if she's tried calling when no one was around to answer, I don't know.

I got a letter from Bob yesterday and still don't know when and if I'll be dumping him. I'll give it a little more time and see if I hear from Mark. I doubt I will, though, as most people don't do favors for those they didn't really know for too long and weren't great friends with.

Today I got a letter and a birthday card from Alex. I threw the card out right in front of Tom. Why not dump him too? What's the point? I do like to get letters, though, but we'll see.

I still have a lot to write about, but I'm taking a break now.

6:10 PM

Tammy left a message, and I called her back. They admitted Bill into Backus Hospital in Norwich. They say he may either have pneumonia or both that and cancer. She'll keep me posted.

Today we went to play miniature golf. It was a lot of fun.

I've done a lot of shopping, too. I got two of the pens I'm writing with, these stickers that came in a package of several things, all in the style of ballerina bunnies. I got a pink glitter ruler with shapes for tracing. Three erasers in the shape of musical notes. One purple, pink and green. A notepad with the bunny sticker like on the next page on its cover. Identical stationery (8 sheets) and 4 envelopes in yellow, purple, pink and blue.

I got reinforcing rings for papers that go in binders. You stick them around the punched-out holes of papers that go in 3-ring binders to make them stronger. I got through to almost the end of journal 2 with them, then stuck the centers of the holes on the back of those envelopes for decoration. They're really cool looking, with different colors that glitter.

I got thigh cream that you put on before you go to bed for $14. It’s supposed to reduce craters.

I got Chanukah cards for my parents, Tammy and her family, and Andy.

Today we filmed Piggles with the camcorder, then ran it through the video kit, as we do with Norah's and printed out a few pictures. One's in the back of this book on the very last page. We had a certain reason for it when we printed Piggle's picture out, but I'll explain it later.

11/15/1994 Tues. 3:45 PM

I still have lots to tell, so now's as good a time as any. Remember the arts & crafts book Andy sent me under a bogus name? Well, I'm so very glad he sent it. Using an empty coffee can that is rectangular, I glued on a poster board around its sides. Then, I took 41 regular-size crayons and glued them around its sides. It was a perfect fit and it looks soooo cool. I glued on all the crayons so you could see the names of their colors.

I made 2 for us. One's in my room and one's out back by the computer. Then, I made 6 more for these people: Andy, my parents, Tammy & Bill, Lisa, Becky and Sarah. I'll send them out as Chanukah presents, but Andy's will be for his birthday. I also made a little crayon frame by gluing crayons on a poster board, with Piggle's picture in the center of it. He's been here a year today.

I finally got new mascara and this stuff's the best ever.

Got a letter from Bob today and when I return, I've got some wild stuff to write about him.

I probably won't return any letters I get from Alex or Minnie, even though Tom said, "I hope you wrote her back," after I got Minnie's first letter. In fact, I'm not even going to tell him about the letter I'll be sending Bob for a couple of reasons. Cuz I don't want him to feel guilty or think something's wrong with me that's making me do this. This is my decision and my decision alone.

Assuming Mark's like most people, he'll never do what I politely asked him to do. Either way, I'm doing what I've been wanting to do for years, with Tom and Andy as an exception. That is to dump people. Believe it or not, this is easier for me to do now that I've got a life and my shit together. Cuz now I'm not as lonely and as desperate and can think and choose my words more rationally.

I copied the letter I typed up into 7. I don't know when I'll send it, as I kind of want to wait till I get enough letters to finish off the remaining 42 pages or so.

Anyway, it's pretty nasty and cruel, and I'm sure Kim and others will get an earful with several letters. I'm sure it'll make him feel pretty miserable in the head and physically, but tough shit. The short letter basically says I found out he was convicted twice before for sex crimes, he can drop dead, his problems are all his fault, and that if he ever comes here I'll kick his ass right back there.

Tom and his parents are at the racetrack now. I hope he makes some money.

Andy may be over later on.

6:25 PM

Tom's home now but he didn't win any money.

Hurricane Gordon hit Florida, but mom and dad are OK.

11/16/1994 Wed. 5:50 PM

Tom's home now and he's talking to his sister Mary, who had a computer question.

I never heard from Andy last night, so who knows what he's up to?

I did a lot of journal typing today and I'm in the hospital now with only 13 days to go till I arrive in Phoenix!

Speaking of hospitals, it's been one year since my last attack! After that 2½-year reign of terror I went through back east till I got here, I've had only about 5 bad attacks in the 2½ years I've been here.

I still have some crayons leftover, so I may use them to make another picture frame unless I think of something else.

Only 19 more days left till surgery. The time oughta fly by now.

Well, Kim has gone back home today. I assume she's already there. If not, she's on her way.

I still haven't mailed Bob's letter out yet, but I'll be sure to say so when I do.

Of course, I haven't heard from Mark, and I know he could be busy; it's only been since last Friday or Saturday since he got my letter, but I don't know. Maybe he will surprise me as Minnie did. When I do send Bob his nasty letter, and he tells Minnie and maybe others about it, I'm sure she'll call all about it.

No package yet from my parents. Maybe tomorrow.

11/17/1994 Thurs. 10:15 PM

Soon, I'll be going to bed. I just thought I'd quickly update on stuff first. Today I finished typing 23. I took Norah's story and combined it with my journals, so counting that, I have 36 typed up that total 356 pages.

Yesterday when we screwed around, we didn't use a rubber. Tom feels that at some point in ‘95 I'll be pregnant. Sounds nice, despite my fears and doubts about it, and I hope that we're both about to make one, if you know what I mean.

I called Dad today, and he asked how Tom and Andy are and said they don't sell live animals. They're flags with all kinds of animals on them as well as states and other countries.

Just as we were hanging up, Mom came in with groceries and she asked what their Chanukah present was. I said I'll tell her if she tells me what's in the package that oughta arrive tomorrow. She wouldn't tell, so I wouldn't tell.

Tom asked me questions earlier about Chanukah and his mom asked which one we celebrate. None with no kids. That's something you live up more when there are kids. If we have a kid, we'll acknowledge both.

His parents have a birthday tradition where they send each kid and their kid's spouse a check for how old they are. Last June 28th, Tom got a check for $37. He said she asked if I'd be offended if she wrote the check out to me for $25, even though I'm turning 22. She was shocked to see that I'm turning 29.

Wow. Even though I've been keeping journals for 7 years, when I turn 29, that's 9 different ages I wrote during. During 21-29, but never much during 21 since I started writing at the end of October.

11/18/1994 Fri. 9:50 PM

I got my parents' package today. It was a huge one. Ma wrapped my birthday presents in flowered paper, my Chanukah presents in Chanukah paper and Tom's Christmas presents in Christmas paper.

It was funny to see we sent each other the same Chanukah cards. I mailed out theirs and Tammy's today.

Tom got a Phoenix Suns cap. He's got a matching sweatshirt from his parents to go with it. Soap, deodorant, and cologne for Tom. He also got this really cool thing that's in the shape of a ball, filled with liquid, with a boat in it and a clock. We both got matching blue mugs, but of course, he doesn't drink coffee or tea, but he sometimes drinks hot chocolate. There was a cookbook, chocolate candies, orange jellybeans, 2 rose candles, and a menorah with candles to go with it. A picture of a girl that looks great hung over the girl I drew in my wall mural and 2 calendar booklets for 1995. A thing you hang in the kitchen that's hard to describe. It looks like beans and corn and stuff like that. A window-clinger, not a sticker, of a menorah and dreidels. I stuck those in the garage door where only we can see them. There are too many hate groups out there. Three small magnetic picture frames. All my niece's pictures were too big, so Gloria's living in them. Two palm-sized balls with bells in them. They're really pretty too, with gold and other colors with panda bears. Three skirts that fit perfectly. They're just below the knee, but sexy and sophisticated. They're all solid colors of peach, white and black. Another one of those skort outfits that's flowered. The thing's humongous on me, so I'll have to shrink it and wear a tank top under it. A 50-inch windsock of a cow that even has a little cowbell on it that I put on the end of the clothesline. On the other end of the clothesline, I put the bird feeder with the bunny in it. A wind chime of a cat and 3 hearts. I put that on the patio.

It's nice to be able to have a big, private yard to use these things.

Lastly, a drawing I did that was put on a plate when I was maybe in the 1st grade. Gross! Tom says it's a wonderful keepsake. Ma said that, too. She enclosed a note saying it was a wonderful keepsake she enjoyed for years, but now it's for me.

I just typed them a letter and that's all for now. Now, I'm going to go watch TV and Andy will probably call at some point.

11/19/1994 Sat. 5 PM

I finished typing up computer notes and tips from Tom's computer magazines. I use different names for different documents. I've already used Norah, Kate, Farrah and Jaclyn. Next, I'll use Linda, Gloria, and other people I like, then maybe names in our families. You can only use up to 8 characters, so Nickolena will have to be Nicolena. Here are some of the names I'll use for future documents. Gloria, Linda, Maria, Lamaris, Shauna, Saundra, Lisa, Becky, Sarah, Tammy, Bill, Larry, Arthur, Dureen, Nicolena, Ray, Evie, Marjorie, David and Steven.

10:45 PM

In a little while I'm going to go watch some shows I taped. I asked Tom to circle the page number in the index of magazines he wants to be typed and he did so in about 8 magazines. I have my work cut out for me, but I don't mind and it's fun. There's going to be a total of 25 files and so far, I've already done 2. He picked out 5 more names: Mary, Wendy, Diane, Eileen and Lolita. I did Gloria and Bill and now I'm working on Marjorie. Bill, Marjorie and Saundra were all 1 page, but all the others are 2 to 3 and there'll be an occasional 4.

11/20/1994 Sun. 1 AM

I'm not quite ready to go to bed yet, so I just thought I'd write up on some of the things we've got planned during his days off. We're going to go over to his sister Mary's house to check out a vanity table she has some time soon. We're going to change Piggy's cage. We’re going to put together that disk of games to send to Tammy and go to the post office to mail off everyone's presents.

At some point, maybe Monday, Andy will be stopping over. I have some things to show him and he's got to give me tapes so I can tape his soaps.

Tom's going to go food shopping very early in the morning before I get up.

The other day I got a booklet in the mail with perfume samples. You know, the kind you peel open and rub onto yourself. Instead of rubbing it on me, to spare my allergies, I rubbed it on a few book covers. The back of this one, the next one and a few old ones.

In about a month or a month and a half, it'll be time to go journal shopping once again. Tom said he always figured that someday he'd read my journals, that it was bound to happen. No way! What an embarrassing thought. After I'm dead is one thing, but not while I'm alive.

11/21/1994 Mon. 12:20 AM

After I got up today, we went over to Mary's to check out that vanity table and mirror. I like it, but don't know when it'll be brought here. It has 6 small drawers and a stool. It's white with speckles and is rather old, but not totally dumpy. It'll be great for makeup, and I do intend to fix it up.

We changed Piggy's cage today.

I've also got about 6-7 Nintendo games for Tammy and others that I'll mail with the crayon cans I made. We'll still put together a disk of games at some point.

8:30 PM

Andy will be here anytime between 9 PM and 1 AM. He leaves tomorrow, and he'll be back on the 29th. He's going to give me tapes to tape his soaps on. I also have things to show him, like new wall art and clothes. I'll give him the 16 or so no-postage-necessary envelopes I have, too. I was going to mail him his Chanukah card, but I may as well give it to him tonight.

I got a letter from Bob today.

We went to Christown Mall earlier, where I got two new lotion fragrances at Potions & Lotions. I got China Musk and April Rain. I also got some Chinese food.

Now, you'll never believe who called me about coming to see us Wednesday. Goldie and Al! I'm so psyched! Apparently, they're out visiting Al's sister in Sun City. They're also taking a couple of months as a vacation. They stopped to see someone in Las Cruces, New Mexico, have an apartment in Vegas, but still have the house in Milford, MA.

She said she was thrilled to "hear" about my ear, can't wait to hug me, meet Tom and talk with us. She'll be calling at 5:30 Wednesday and I'm really looking forward to seeing them. So is Tom.

11/22/1994 Tues. 12:40 PM

Andy came over, but not for long, as he has to get up at 8 AM. His plane leaves at 10 AM and he'll arrive in Fartford at 7 PM. His layover in Washington, D.C. is an hour, so it'll be a 9-hour ordeal for him. Yuck! I sure as hell don't envy him. I called Prodigy while he was here and it finally does look like it's cooling way down there. It may even snow. The satellite showed flurries into New York and Vermont. The humidity's 92%. No thanks. I don't miss that shit.

11/23/1994 Wed. 3:11 AM

Just a very quick rundown on things cuz I'm about ready for bed. I made a mistake in saying Andy arrived in CT at 7:00 our time. He arrived at 7:00 their time.

Al called. They said it'll be easier if we could meet them at the Olive Garden restaurant in Sun City. It's about a 45-minute drive, but it's worth it. We'll be there at 6:30. Al said he was going to bring some pictures, and so am I. Our wedding pictures, pictures of me at the VV & CC and something else I'm sure they least expect. Their son Noah went to Tam's prom with her and I have pictures of this. They were outside of the house we had on Berkeley Dr. in Longmeadow. I was in one of the shots, all bandaged up after ear surgery. They oughta get a kick out of it, but I'll expand more on that and other stuff tomorrow.

11/24/1994 Thurs. 1:10 AM

Dinner tonight with Goldie and Al was great. Tom was impressed with them and he enjoyed himself, too. Goldie and Al looked very happy. They didn't look as big as I thought they might, and I don't remember them being so short.

I could tell they were judging me for who I was today. Not in the past. I told Tom they were always good to me, never gossiped or bad-mouthed people.

Dinner was their treat and pretty good. I got eggplant and Tom got lasagna.

They told me more about their retirement plans. They had once stayed on the beachfront where my folks used to live for $1,800 a month! I guess my folks were paying $800 a month. Wow! They got a 3-month lease on an apartment in Las Vegas.

They showed me pictures of Aaron and Noah, their wives and kids. Of course, I'd never say this to them, but they didn't look too great. Their wives were so ugly and looked like typical moms. I brought our wedding pictures, some of me at the two apartment complexes I lived at here, and those pictures of Tammy and Noah going to Tammy's prom.

If anything shocked them, it was how happy I've become and that I'm not fat anymore.

I never could remember how they met, so they told me that they lived next to my folks in Springfield on Willowbrook Dr. They left Springfield in 1966, and they hate Springfield too, and understand how shitty it is there.

Goldie said Ma was always a night person. Really? I don't remember that. I know she'd be up till 11 PM - 1 AM, usually, and sometimes slept till noon on weekends. She was never up, though, that I knew of, at 2:00 - 4:00 AM.

We were laughing at how Goldie was going to say to ma, "Ha-ha. I got to meet your son-in-law first!"

They are quite happy for me about my ear surgery and are going to call me a few days after the surgery to see how it went.

11/25/1994 Fri. 1:53 AM

I just finished typing 26.

Tom and I had a steak for Thanksgiving dinner.

My parents called, and we chatted about our visit with Goldie and Al.

Ma asked me about the picture she sent since I didn't write about it. I told her that it wasn't until right after I finished their letter that I got the message behind it and read it. Tom and I were right. Even though the girl in the picture had brown hair that was only medium length, she reminded them of me. She said they got it in a gallery.

They said they went over to Marty & Ruth's for dinner. Better them than me. Or us.

She said to tell Tom to look for a brown envelope. I asked Dad to tell me what it is and that I wouldn't tell (I really wouldn't), but he wouldn't tell.

11/26/1994 Sat. 3:32 AM

I was trying to decide if I should make a period chart for 1995 on the computer or do one myself. Well, I came up with an even better idea. Journals 36 to 40 and 52 and letter books have every other page blank for the most part cuz I glued in pages and wrote stuff not back to back. In 52, 100% of it has every other page blank. I'll use a page for each year. I just wrote up the 1995 period chart. It's a bit sloppy, but it'll work. I may or may not use all blank pages in all books for letters. That'd take forever to fill up. There could be a few hundred of those. Tonight I typed up the Shauna doc and began 25.

I hope Andy doesn't kill me for forgetting to record his shows in SP today. At least they did get taped, but hopefully these two soaps will be the most boring of all.

11/27/1994 Sun. 3:30 AM

I just checked Andy's messages for the first time since he's been gone. He's got 26. The bulk of them are from an ex-coworker. I think that's who it is. A few calls from the ad he placed. One sounded promising, one a complete ditz, and the other a slut. The dirty old man type. Lots of hang-ups too, that are probably ad-related. I used to get that a lot when I placed ads back east.

I finally did get around to writing Alex a letter. Also to Bob, Tammy and my parents. I wrote them to give my wrist a break from all the typing I did.

Several months ago, Tom printed out pictures for me to draw and I did, so I turned it into stationery.

I'd also like to get that V-shaped keyboard they make. It really should decrease wrist strain. I added a few more things to the 'to do' and 'to get' lists.

I got a letter from Bob today. I found it ironic that he said he expects us to have a kid by Nov. 26, 1995. Why? Cuz I had feelings about November. Tom said he thought it'd be the end of ‘95 or the beginning of ‘96 and that most people in his family are born in the winter or summer. On the other hand, that means getting pregnant around March. That's awfully fast for a DES daughter, even if after the surgery he came like there was no tomorrow. Seeing is believing for me, though. The other day we were talking about not always getting something you wanted. Whether it's out of your control or you're waiting. Like when Tom said the reason I'm not pregnant is cuz we agreed to wait. When he said that, that deepened my belief that he could've cum since day one, but is waiting for when we are ready. With all that's gone on, though, plus my surgery, I'm very glad we waited. However, if he doesn't cum in time after surgery, I'm going to think two things: That God doesn't want me to have a kid and that there's something wrong with him, but his ego or manhood won't allow him to say so and go talk to a doctor about it. No, I don't think I'd think he didn't want a kid unless he told me so and he's told me he does want one.

We've had good talks and he gives good advice. He brought up a very good point about why we don't have tapes of me singing. Besides blocks, I've got in my head due to those bullshit bands back east and Scott, he said I worry too much about the end of things, which prevents or makes it hard for me to start things. Yeah, it's true that I'd sit there and ask myself what I'd do with the money, for example, whether I made a little or millions.

I've often told myself to bring back the music. Sing more, play the guitar and keyboards, but then I ask myself, "What for?" The answer should've been, "Cuz it's what I like to do." I wish I had the same attitude about it as I do with writing these journals and drawing. I do it cuz I like it. I never think of the end, and doing these things serves no purpose.

Tom sure was also right when he mentioned how I never thought drawing on paper would lead to me drawing on walls. Very true. I mentioned this to Tammy and my parents, too.

4:31 AM

I talked to Mom quick yesterday, who said she couldn't really use the crayon can; it was childish, and if she found a child, she'd give it to them. Most people would've been like, fine! Fuck you then, but I appreciate her honesty and this way I know never to send anything like it again. Just like when they used to send me grandma clothes. I'd send them back, rather than let them sit here and go to waste. I'm not shocked that she is "too grown up," but a part of me is shocked, as she has her own set of Mickey Mouse T-shirts, stuffed animals, etc. I believe you're never too old for anything. I forgot to say this in my letter to my parents, but I think it'd be best if we told each other what we want for birthdays and holidays.

I haven't sent Scott anything for about a year, and I know he's long since moved, so his father's getting two Bob letters. I know Scott will hear all about it. I wrote his dad's address as the return address, too, with no postage, and I'm having Andy send it. This way the mailman won't see there's no stamp on it, as he picks it up from here, and toss it back in the mail slot. I doubt he'd do that even if he did notice that there wasn't any postage, but this way I don't have to worry.

11/28/1994 Mon. 3:30 AM

Wow! Only 8 more days to go! Can't wait to get it over with and get on with life in stereo.

Last night at sundown was the beginning of Chanukah. I never lit the candles since being on my own and we doubt my parents would've sent the menorah, candles and that plate if I weren't married. Last night, or afternoon, I should say, I lit the candles. It was fun and interesting. Especially for Tom, as this is all new to him.

I'm sure my parents tried to call, but I was in bed and Tom had the ringer off to do computer work. I talked to Tammy and Bill. Tammy said she appreciated the gifts. I'm glad she did.

I finished the Tammy and Sarah documents yesterday. And Shauna's, too.

Yesterday morning Tom swept out the garage and I took all the trash out of his car. Tons of it.

Shortly after Tom got up, we screwed around. We experimented with different positions. It was fun and it's getting easier.

Then, we went to a bookstore and an art store. He got a computer book and I got 2 journals. In the art store, I got these pens, plaster of Paris to mold figurines, and an earring-making kit. We made all 4 earrings in the kit. They came out really cool-looking, and they're not hard at all to make. I'll expand much more on it tomorrow.

11/29/1994 Tues. 5:15 AM

First I'll go into detail about making the earrings, then into what Marjorie gave us. The earring kit came with 4 strips of soft metallic plastic. One strip makes 4 pairs. It also had the mold and the backings and parts. What you do is cut a strip in half and put them in a pot of hot water with a few drops of cooking oil so they don't stick. Then, when they get soft and flimsy, you take them out and press them into the earring mold. Then you set them in cold water for a couple of minutes, then take them out and trim off excess plastic on the outside of the mold and remove the mold. The last part's easy. You peel off a dot over the adhesive, push the backing down into it and pull it out with its adhesive on it. Then you stick it wherever you want on the back of the earring, put the post on, and they're ready to wear. I have a pink one, a green one, one with light pastel colors and one with darker colors. I just had a pair on but I had to take them off as they were irritating me. I can't wear fake stuff in my ears.

Marjorie's sister Margaret sent us a Christmas card and she also wished me a happy Chanukah. She lives in San Diego. She also gave us some cookies she made, some material and scissors that are great for cutting material. Now I can keep an extra pair in my room. We had one in the back room, one in the kitchen and one in the living room. I had a pair in my room, but they were quite small. The ones that were in the kitchen now live in my room and the ones Marjorie gave us are in the kitchen.

9:30 AM

The good news is that I cut 30 square foot pieces of material and sewed them into 5 strips of 6. Then, I connected 2 of those strips side by side. The bad news is that when I went to attach the third strip, I got it backward, with the backside of the material facing the wrong way. Tomorrow, or whenever, I have to take the seam ripper and rip it off and put it right side up. Then hitch on the remaining 2 strips and hope I don't fuck that up. Lastly, I'll hem the 4 edges and hope to hell I've made a fairly decent quilt.

I have about 11 different patterns. The 7 Marjorie gave us, a sheet, an old dress and those 2 from the material we got to make the 2 throw pillows that are on the living room couch.

Tonight there's to be a movie on called Bionic Ever After? At least, I think that's what it's called. Lindsay Wagner and Lee Majors reunite to get married, I guess.

Tom says there's also some bionic quiz on Prodigy, too. I'll have to check that out in a little while.

We ordered stuff at dirt-cheap prices from a catalog. He got tools and I got Velcro sneakers, a nightie and a few other things too, which I can't remember.

12:20 PM

I just finished typing up 25 and now it's printing out. The next one (26) should go fast. It's a 130-pager, but I only need to type up about 94 pages. The rest is letters or convos from tapes that I copied in.

As tired as I am, I have to stay up till 2:00 to take Andy's last tape out and put it with the rest of them by the door, even though Tom would gladly do it.

Tom's going to tape the movie I mentioned earlier in his room and I'm going to tape a movie in the living room.

I let Andy know we'll both be asleep, so he'll use his key to let himself in quietly.

Tom left about an hour ago to go take his parents to the racetrack. Barely 5 minutes after he left, Marge called saying Dad's stomach was bothering him, but that maybe it'd be OK by the time he got there. I thanked her for the stuff, too. I guess he's feeling better cuz Tom hasn't returned. Maybe he's over there chatting. I know how much they all like to talk.

Well, now I'm going to go check the printer. My stuff should be done printing any minute.

11/30/1994 Wed. 2:10 AM

I just got off the phone talking to Andy. Sure enough, the day he arrived, the weather took a turn for the worst. Up till his arrival, the weather had been in the 50s. He said he was freezing the whole time and it never got up above 32º. He said all he could think about was me laughing at him.

He saw his family and said Linda's daughter Samantha was cute, which surprised him, cuz he too, thinks babies are ugly. I agree. They all look the same, too.

He said he just knows his 6-year-old nephew Brian's going to be gay. Maybe so, cuz when Lisa was a baby I always felt she'd be into music, and I was right. Music and gayness run in families.

He stood at Mary's and she, Adam and Adam's best friend Mona from San Francisco and he went to dinner to celebrate Adam's b-day. This girl Mona apparently moved back and is a topless dancer in Springfield. And is making way more than I did here. Andy says she's blond with big tits, though, so maybe that's why. I also think it's cuz there are fewer topless bars in Springfield than there are in Phoenix. Andy, Adam, and 4 others went to a gay bar in Hartford and were shocked to see it was packed with wall-to-wall people. There he met up with an old lust object he met 15 years ago who wants to get back together with him. Andy said he would've if he lived there. The funniest part of it was when they left the bar after 5 hours. When he came out of the bar, it was snowing really hard and all the cars were covered. Before that, when Mary came to wake him up at noon, she came into his room and said, "Look. I've got something to show you." She pulled up the shade and there was a dusting of snow. He said he was like - oh my God! When he returned to Adam's in Adam's car, he had to do something he swore he'd never do again - clean snow off of a car. He had driven his father's car over there.

He said no one bad-mouthed me. His mom said I turned out to be a beautiful girl and remembers when I was chunky. They asked if Tom and I were going to have a kid. Judy said she was glad I got to see Goldie and Al and said she always liked them.

He said he called Nervous and he actually talked to him. He wanted to go over and take a picture of him and Crystal, but he wouldn't let him.

He slept from 4 AM to noon while he was there.

Well, that's all for now. In half an hour, I'm going to watch a movie I taped.

9:43 AM

I watched a couple of movies I taped. They were so-so.

I tested Tom's PrintBMP programs for bugs. So far, so good. I printed out 2” pictures all the way up to 11”. I printed out Piggy, Norah, and drawings I did of Linda and Gloria, as well as a couple off the top of my head.

I wallpapered the back wall of Piggy's cage by taping pictures on from the outside facing in - one of Piggy, 2 of Norah, 2 Linda drawings, and 3 Gloria drawings.

Tom got that envelope yesterday from my parents. It was a Phoenix Suns T-shirt. He really liked it as he really likes basketball.

I chatted with my dad earlier. I called Tammy too, who had a friend over at the time.

Another funny thing Andy said was how he missed his plane because he had to take a shit. He was delayed for two hours.

It's not as cold here as it is in the east, but I wish it was in the 80s here like it is in Florida. It's pretty chilly out there right now, but where my parents are, you can lie out in the sun and go swimming. The pool temperature is 50º.

What should I do now? I guess I'll pump in a little bit of fresh air and go start typing another document for Tom.