December 1990

12/2/1990 Sun. 8:21 PM

Well, two more days and here comes a birthday I sure as hell thought I’d never see. A quarter of a century. I get smarter, more talented, and more experienced with each year, but all in all, I still feel the same as when I was 10 or 15 or 20. Despite my lungs, that is—but today I don’t feel quite so bad. Of course, it was kind of miraculous I even made it to my 18th birthday with all the shit I went through, what with jumping out of the window, overdosing, and other people trying to kill me physically or mentally.

Well, although I won’t have my foot in the door with fame and fortune till 1994, as my vibes tell me, I have a feeling that 1991 is going to be a special year for me in a different but very good way. I’m 100% sure now about smoking, but there’s other stuff scheduled. I’m not going to be so cursed anymore. The shit that happened to my lungs wasn’t meant to be just because of my singing, but maybe it was also a testing period, too. I’ve done my time with survival tests; that’s for sure. No, I do not think 1991 brings a woman I’m infatuated with and who’s my ideal type person-wise. That was never meant to be.

12/4/1990 Tues. 9:09 AM

Do I get snow for my birthday? No. Instead, it’s raining cats and dogs out there.

About half an hour ago, Tammy called. At 7:30, Brenda called. Oh, by the way, Brenda and I are just friends now. At 5:30, Andy called because he couldn’t sleep either. I’ve been awake now for 16 hours. I need to go to Food Mart desperately, but can’t till noon, and I don’t think I can hold out till then. I just don’t feel like going to bed, though. Oh, what the heck? I’ll sleep for a few hours—not too many, because I have therapy tomorrow.

12/9/1990 Sun. 1:26 AM

Brenda and I went to Tammy’s today. I got the upright vacuum I’d been wanting from Mom and Dad, and Tammy, Bill, and the kids gave me a gorgeous necklace with matching earrings, another pair of earrings, and some perfume.

Tammy was upset because she could sense something was wrong with me, and at first, I wouldn’t talk to her. I explained how I broke up with Brenda—I’m so used to being alone that I felt I wasn’t stable enough for her. I told her that because I’m a night person, don’t have a bigger sex drive, and I’m not calm 24/7, I felt I wasn’t good enough. Tammy said that in every relationship I get into, I run scared when someone gets too close. She also said my past has affected me badly and that I’m too negative.

I told her I didn’t feel I was pushing Brenda away and that I felt I was doing her a favor. I also said I was being practical, not negative. After being alone for 25 years, it’s too hard to jump into a relationship—I no longer care to put the effort into one and deal with trying to communicate and compromise. I never felt overwhelmed in a good way by Brenda, and I’ll never have anyone I’m overwhelmed by. What good would it do me anyway? All they’d do is dump me, or I’d end up dumping them.

Andy will be moving in within the next two weeks, so we can save money and move to Phoenix.

12/24/1990 Mon. 6:53 AM

Andy will be moving in next Saturday and storing his furniture at his old house, which his brother owns. Starting tomorrow, he’s going to be bringing things over here and there.

Ma doesn’t know, so she’ll continue paying her part of the rent. She’s been a major bitch to me and was incredibly rude to both Andy and me over the phone when we spoke about Phoenix. She really pisses me off. Especially since last year she said she’d help financially with the move to Arizona and agreed with our reasons for moving, now she wants nothing to do with it. I bet her anger has to do with good old Miss Jennifer C and other members of this sick family, whom Andy and I harassed to death over the phone. But if I receive any subpoenas, I’m not going to court.

I have not smoked since yesterday, the 23rd, at 2:30 AM. It’s been 28½ hours.

12/30/1990 Sun. 7:30 PM

Boy, is having a roommate ever going to take some getting used to! Two or three years ago, I’d have jumped at the chance to have a good, decent, honest roommate such as Andy is. And you know how compatible and how much alike we are. Lately, though, I’ve been wanting to spend more and more time alone. The desire for company and for going places is vanishing like water running down a drain. The desire to have a lover and a baby is also being flushed down the toilet. At first, I was beginning to think something was wrong with me, but I now think it’s just a case of my not wanting any bullshit.

As far as a lover’s concerned, like with Brenda, for example, I know I’m a decent person. I don’t hate myself, but at the same time, I feel I’m not good enough for her. I don’t want to be with someone and have to be constantly asking myself, "Did I do or say something wrong?” Also, I don’t want to have to worry about her or anyone else not understanding me. I know and understand myself, and that’s enough. What others don’t know or understand won’t hurt them. All I want is casual sex here and there. Of course, that’ll be once in a lifetime cuz I’m so picky and don’t go to bars, and cuz there are so few feminine ones. I have my fantasies, though, which are the most fulfilling.

12:08 PM

I fell asleep near 6:00 this morning, only to wake up at 10:00, so I do need to try to sleep more.

Also, I’m psyched for New Year’s Eve tonight, as I realize I’ve got three more years till fame and fortune, and you know I’m right with my premonitions and predictions. Speaking of those, I’ve been having more and more—bizarre ones too, that kind of freaked me out a bit. One night, Brenda and I were lying in bed when I just came out and said, “Someone lost money.” She said yes, a guy in CVS. I said it was a $20 bill, and she said yes, it was, and a lady picked it up for him.

Another thing was that a few days before December, I predicted we’d have a major snowstorm on December 28th. I was right.

November 1990

11/2/1990 Fri. 6:05 AM

Yesterday was awful. I was so pissed at Russ. For the last five mornings, during the wee hours, it was freezing. Later, between 7:00 and 11:00, it would turn into a sauna. I woke up for two reasons: the fucking radiator in the kitchen would clank so loud you could probably hear it downtown, and I’d have major asthma attacks because of it. It would get so hot in here that my windows would be wet. I yelled on Russ’s machine, asking what it’s going to take for the heat to be evened out, and he stopped by to adjust the thermostat. If this happens continuously, I’ll make partial rent payments, and if he fights it, he’ll wish partial rent problems were the only problems he’s had with me. Otherwise, he’s a nice guy and the best landlord I’ve ever had. He doesn’t do this deliberately; he just has no brains when it comes to heating.

Today, later on, I’m definitely going to get the fuck out of this apartment. Where to, I do not know, but I’ve got to get out.

11/6/1990 Tues. 3:18 AM

I fell asleep shortly after 11 PM, after watching the Tai Babilonia story. At 1:45, I woke up for no reason at all. At least it wasn’t an asthma attack like yesterday morning and several mornings before. I feel much better now, and over the last five days, I’ve had only 4–6 cigarettes.

Soon, I’m going to try to go back to sleep so I can join Andy on his job-hunting trips—not for me, but for him, and it’ll get me out of the apartment.

I’d like to sleep with Shadow, but he keeps waking me up.

I had a great visit with Tammy and the kids, and also a great day with Brenda. Sarah’s adorable, and she has so much hair on her head. Everyone in the family was born with lots of hair.

John came over for a half-hour tonight and met Brenda and Bill.

Oh, I wish I knew my test scores! I want so badly to go to the academy. I suppose, though, I won’t be going for whatever reason, because I want it badly. Of course, that is, until I can get anything going musically.

11/11/1990 Sun. 5:22 AM

Well, I’m not going to be sleeping for a hell of a long time. I didn’t get up yesterday until 9 PM. I had woken up in the early afternoon but felt like shit, so I went back to sleep. Not too much has happened since I last wrote. I’ve done some pretty nice drawings, been pissed at Russ because he turns the heat off from 11 PM–6 AM, been a little depressed from being cooped up at home and wanting to sing, and been frustrated and scared over my bronchitis.

11/14/1990 Wed. 10:45 AM

I am waiting to have my hair trimmed at Hair Performance by Linda. My top layer is incredibly fried, and I also need my bangs trimmed.

Brenda is very sick today, so I’m going to Martha by bus, and it is incredibly freezing out!

11/29/1990 Thurs. 7:39 AM

I haven't written in a while, which I sometimes don’t. The last thing I wrote about was getting my hair trimmed. Linda trimmed my bangs and my top layer. My top layer was—and still is—pretty much fried with split ends. I have split ends everywhere. She was shocked at the weight I’ve lost and how long my hair has gotten. I hadn’t seen her in about three years. Linda hasn’t seen me at my skinniest, though, since I’ve gained eight pounds. Funny thing is, it looks like I gained double—16 pounds—of course, that’s because I’m so short. I no longer despise being short, as I’ve realized the many advantages to it as I’ve gotten older.

Andy’s here now, asleep. He came over two nights ago, too. We made some calls this time. Last night we played Crazy 8s, which we haven’t done since we were kids at the beach. We also played the piano.

I’ll write later, as I’m exhausted. For the last two months or so, I’ve been sleeping at night, but I was up all night because I slept too many hours yesterday.

October 1990

10/1/1990 Mon. 2:50 AM

My mother said something astounding. Not only was I shocked, but I also shed a few tears. I called Mom and told her that I bought a tiny fork and spoon for Sarah and socks for Becky and Lisa. Then I told her that I agreed about having money and someone to help if I were to have a baby. But I also told her I didn’t like being told what I should or shouldn’t do at this age.

So I finally asked the two questions that concerned me most, in blunt, plain English. I said, “If I have a child someday, are you going to disown me or call the state?”

She said no. I freaked out with shock and joy. I absolutely and totally could not believe it.

Otherwise, no news lately, just that I had a very nice weekend with Brenda and also Gail and Judy. Gail and Judy are so nice—you feel as if you’ve known them for years. They, of course, don’t turn me on, but they’re very attracted to me, so I hear. It’s obvious by the way they look at me. Same thing with Bonny. I did their nails for them, and a couple of weekends ago, Brenda, Judy, Gail, and I went to Jam’s. We had fun, and I ran into Tracy there, who said she had broken up with Nancy. I guess Nancy was an alcoholic and a troublemaker. She seemed a little irritated talking to me and left with another girl who seemed slightly offended when I asked if she was single.

Tracy said she was in California on the 4th of July and was shocked at how feminine the gay women were there. That’s what she likes, too.

She also told me to leave a message with my number at the dentist’s office where she works on Maple St., but should I really leave a message that I seriously doubt will ever get answered?

My friendship with Andy has been excellent over the last several months. He admitted he was being cruel and selfish for a while, then realized it and didn’t want to lose me as his friend. He was also jealous of my looks and abilities, but instead of being negative, he’s encouraging and appreciative of what I do.

It’s too bad his relationship with Miles isn’t going well. According to Andy, Miles is too clingy and constantly wants sex. Also, because Andy didn’t give Miles sex for two days, Miles cheated on him. Andy’s pissed and is on the verge of dumping him. He says he thinks Miles is the way he is because his father molested him. Also, Miles has a big mouth and blabbed some sexual stuff about him and Andy really loudly in Friendly’s. He talks ten times more like a fem than Andy does.

Tomorrow I want to go see Paula and get something for Brenda, but I still can’t sleep, and it’s now 3:17 AM. I was beat before. Sometimes life as a night owl sucks.

10/4/1990 Thurs. 11:16 PM

Right now I’m on the phone listening to Fran talk to Bobbie. Andy and I wish to hell Tracy would call us.

I’m turning into a very, very slightly okay artist. Of course, some of my drawings are a little explicit. Guess what that means? I’ve been so fucking horny lately.

10/5/1990 Fri. 3:43 AM

Gee, I have exactly one day short of two months until I turn 25—a quarter of a century.

My new little kitten, which Brenda got me, is sitting here in bed with me, and he's so loving and affectionate. The one thing you couldn't do with Sasha was pick her up and cuddle her, or have her come to you and let you cuddle her for more than three seconds. His name is Bandit. He's now trying to distract me from writing by rubbing against my book and me and giving me kisses. He's fairly gentle with his claws, but when he gets a little older, I'd like to get him neutered and declawed. I hate getting clawed while playing. I mean, they can just sit or stand on you, but their claws hurt like hell. Now he's playing with my hair, which all kittens, cats, and babies seem to love.

Brenda's cab broke down yesterday afternoon, and while she was at the office, the owner's wife happened to be giving away kittens. That's how I got him, the day after Brenda's birthday. He's six weeks old and looks a lot like Sasha, but Sasha was gray and white. Bandit is orange and white, with slightly shorter hair. It's the same pattern as Sasha’s, and I think they’re both tabby cats. He's so loving and follows me everywhere. He's calm and gentle, and he knows how to pee in his litter box, though he still has to learn not to go on furniture or chew wires.

I’ve had absolutely no sneezing fits! And this cat is here to stay till death do us part. My mom was right about all my problems being due to smoking, and I’ve known it for some time, but it was too scary to admit. Dealing with withdrawal is terrifying, and my congestion is getting bad, so I’ve only had seven or eight cigarettes today.

The pigs were a little jealous and depressed about Bandit, but otherwise, they’re still the usual loving troublemakers.

I bought Brenda a pair of earrings and some sexy underwear for her birthday, and we went to her sister Donna’s house in Palmer. I’ve known her husband Kevin for four years, and he knew Crystal, too.

Donna's a great person, someone you feel comfortable talking to about almost anything, and who accepts people as they are. The kids were great too, and I’d have loved to have someone like her as my mother.

Tomorrow, I have to call John R, maybe try leaving a message with Dr. Goodman's receptionist for Tracy—just once. I also have to call Philip and go to Food Mart. I wonder if Kathy will fix my bangs if I call her. She works at Food Mart, gave me her number, and we went to La Baron together. She hated it too and only does it on the side. My bangs look pretty stupid, so maybe she can trim and layer them.

10/6/1990 Sat. 3:15 AM

Yesterday, I only smoked seven or eight cigarettes. Today, even though I still slept until 9:00 p.m., I’ve had three so far. I am very, very congested, which is part of the reason I’ve smoked so little. Also, I’m having sneezing fits and wheezing. In 48 hours, I’ve smoked only 11 cigarettes, which is why I’m constantly blowing my nose like there’s no tomorrow. It gets worse before it gets better after you either quit or cut down, because all that tar and gunk start draining.

10/7/1990 Sun. 4:06 AM

Tracy called Andy and me last night. We were both thrilled to hear from her. I played her the edits, which she thought were great. She said she hadn’t contacted us because she needed space and time to sort things out.

Last night was awful. I was so full of congestion. I never knew one could have to blow their nose so much. It’s red and sore now, and I feel much better now that I've drained out all that shit, so I guess it was worth the misery. Tomorrow—or today, I should say—Bill will be here at 1:00, so I hope I can get a little sleep. I had to sleep all day today because I was so miserable. It’s called “sleeping it off.” I’m thankful I feel much better, though, and also thankful it wasn’t the flu. Anything but the flu. Smoking very little also helped get rid of it quicker, but I couldn’t have smoked much even if I wanted to. The funny thing is, though, the last three days I really haven’t had much of a desire to smoke. Today I had five or six, and psychologically I still think of it, but the physical part isn’t too bad.

I love this little kitty of mine to death. I’m so glad Brenda got him for me.

10/12/1990 Fri. noon

It’s been one week now, and I still feel like shit. Oh well. It also looks like I’m going to have to cancel going to my sister’s tomorrow. One reason is that I feel like shit, and the other is that it’s contagious. I don’t want to stand and just look at my nieces from three feet away; I want to hold them and hug them. Tammy mentioned going next weekend if I couldn’t make it this time.

Then I’ll be seeing Mom and Dad on the 15th, and it fucking figures I’m sick, so I can’t sing.

Yesterday I got three journals at an excellent price. I mean, a really fantastic deal. Normally, the three of them would’ve cost close to $24, but I got them for $12 in the secondhand department. I’m glad I discovered that they sell them there, which is weird because these books are brand new and just as nice as the regular main part of the store.

10/22/1990 Mon. 1:44 AM

I was exhausted before, but as usual, I woke right up. Man, oh man, I just went through a hell of a nightmare since the last time I wrote! I had to go to the ER three fucking times, and I was terrified! I literally thought I was going to die, and it hurt so bad I wished I would drop dead until it was over. I had the worst asthma of my life. They had to take me immediately (usually you wait forever) to give me oxygen treatments, and the last time I had an IV. It was really scary. I could only smoke three cigarettes in one week's time. I'm on Prednisone for 12 days and Bactrim, which is an antibiotic, for 10 days. Also, I'm on Theodur and Alupent, which are the same stuff as in my inhaler. Theodur and Alupent are the two most common drugs used for asthma.

I saw Mom and Dad on the 15th, and we had a fairly good visit. They came up for about an hour or so. They're back in Florida now.

I may possibly be going to my sister's this Saturday. Tammy's really sick now, too.

Steve and I spliced a wire today so I can edit from the CD player onto the stereo, and it sounds great, too. I have plenty of editing to do, as well as story writing.

They raised my food stamps to $114, so I did a huge grocery order, and I never had so much food in my life, but I really need to lose weight. I'm getting pretty chunky lately.

10/23/1990 Tues. 8:20 PM

Brenda brushed out my hair for me, and God, it’s getting long. It’s almost to my very lower back, and the layers are growing out. The very top layer, though, is completely destroyed. I have massive split ends.

Shadow’s climbing all over me. I think I mentioned before why I changed his name from Bandit to Shadow. He’s like glue. He loves to be near me constantly and follows me everywhere like a shadow. However, when I go to bed, I shut the bedroom door because he always wakes me up.

One thing that’s starting to annoy me is that I’m very bloated. I want to hurry up and get my period, so I drop some water. I don’t want to take my water pill while I’m still finishing up my other medications. I did some exercise, and I’m going to do more later. Also, I’m going to get more Slim-Fast and eat very little until I drop 10 pounds. It’s funny to say I’m chunky at 105 pounds, but then again, I am very short. It’s not that I weigh too much pound-wise—it’s my shape, I guess. I have so much water, too.

I took all my pictures of Gloria down last night. There are only a few in the bedroom. I wanted a change and a break from them, so I put them in my file box in my closet. I’ll never throw them out because I’ve put so much time and money into them, and it’ll be really neat to look back at them someday. Maybe I’ll put them back up in a matter of months or someday. I still wish I could afford a duplex; I’d make the cellar the music place with the posters, stereo, and keyboards, and I wish I had a washer and dryer. By God, I’d love to be able to afford that. I’d have two bedrooms, one and a half baths, and a dishwasher too, no doubt.

10 PM

I’m now watching the premiere of Law & Order. Before this, I saw In the Heat of the Night. Brenda left after Matlock. I put Brenda’s hair in a braid—it looked nice.

I still haven’t received any notification about the police exam. I’m not stupid, though; they’ll never notify me worth shit.

I’m going to make some angel hair pasta. It’s so good.

10/24/1990 Wed. 3:20 AM

Well, I’m going to need to go to sleep as soon as possible, so to help myself, I’m going to listen to music for a while.

Tomorrow morning, I have to call Philip about fixing my stereo. I can’t put it off any longer.

Also, I see Martha at 4:00. I’m not sure if I mentioned it, but I think she might have a thing for me. It’s just this feeling I get, and it’s also certain things she says and the way she says them. Oh well. Of course, I’ll keep my mouth shut about it. She is married, after all, and she also swore she never mixes business with pleasure, which I respect.

I want to go to Caldor’s too, to see if Gloria’s new album is out. I’m not sure of the name of it, and they’re not new songs—just old hits—but they’re all in Spanish.

11:36 PM

I just finished killing a spider, which, like most spiders, was on the ceiling. I sprayed it with lots of Lysol and perfume to get it down so I could swat it.

Today, I got this awesome—and I mean totally awesome—speakerphone I ordered last week. Now I need to make four payments of $22, but it’s worth it. I love it. I can be doing something like writing or making coffee and still talking to someone. I can also play the edits to people so they can hear them well, and I can hear their reactions, and if it’s an answering machine, I can hear it beep when it ends. Another thing: if my call-waiting beeps, I’ll hear that too.

This insurance company has a hell of a long machine. Brenda and I passed it on the way home from Baystate Waste after I saw Martha, and I said to myself, “I bet they have a machine.”

By the way, Martha definitely has no desire for a woman. She’s 100% straight as an arrow.

Andy’s got company now, so he’s going to call me later, and Fran’s not home. I’m bored, and I love this phone, so I may as well have a field day with it and look up insurance companies in the yellow pages. It seems like a lot of insurance companies have answering machines.

10/25/1990 Thurs. 2:07 AM

I’m still wide awake and probably will be for a while. I’m just having a grand old time with the new phone. There’s a mute button on it too, and you don’t need to keep holding it down like on most other phones. You hit it once, and a red light glows to show it’s in use; to turn off the mute, you hit it again, and the red light goes off.

A little while ago, I listened to the 45 of Take a Chance on Me by ABBA. I bought it today at One Stop Records. I’ve always liked that song and used to have that record. I don’t know what happened to it, along with tons of other records. They either got old, I got sick of them, or they were stolen.

2:53 AM

Why, oh, why didn’t I stay the fuck off cigarettes?! I had three cigarettes in one week, and now I smoked a whole pack yesterday, and today I’ve had close to a pack. What a jerk, huh? I’m going to chuck the rest of my pack, try again until I absolutely can’t fight the urge to smoke, and listen to music.

10/26/1990 Fri. 2:32 AM

I’m going nuts just sitting around here, so since I can’t have music, I’ve got to find something. Those dickheads never sent me my notice for the police exam, but I figured as much from the start. I don’t know who’s responsible, so I don’t know who to call to bitch about it. Oh well—like I said, I figured I’d never be notified, just like I knew I’d never get that security job at Mercy with John.

Why is it that anything I’d be good at and want to do, I just can’t? It wasn’t meant to be. If I were smart, a long time ago I’d have chosen a career I hate, never wanted to have a baby, and, if I were ever single again, I’d pick all the ones I don’t want or that are just okay. Actually, they pick me, so I should say.

9:53 AM

I tried calling Philip about the stereo, but he’s not at work and isn’t answering his phone at home.

Today, I’m going to Food Mart for cat food, stamps, and paper plates. I also want to go to Brightwood Hardware in Longmeadow for pig and mouse food.

I’m getting tired as hell, but I want to push it as far as I can so I sleep somewhat into the night. With my luck, however, after three or four hours of sleep, I’ll bolt wide awake and not be able to fall back asleep.

I’m really starting to want to work. I need extra money, and this being at home all the time is really getting to me. But since I can’t sing or be a cop and am too chicken to drive a cab, what can I do other than work at McDonald’s or something really boring and stupid?

I’m going to call the apartment rental people for general information about duplexes. I know I can never afford it, but it never hurts to get some information. I’ll go get the yellow pages.

10/27/1990 Sat. 2:50 AM

I fell asleep at 5:30 PM after being up for 21½ hours, and of course, almost an hour ago, I woke right up. I was kind of hoping I’d sleep till 5 AM. Anyway, guess what I’m doing today at 9 AM? Taking the police exam. I called Boston after talking to Tony today, out here on Locust St., during a car accident. He said the people weren’t hurt too badly and that it had to do with insurance, and he was tired of supporting the welfare recipients. So I mentioned the exam to him and some other cop, and they said the test might have been canceled due to all the layoffs and suggested I call Boston to check. When I called, I told the woman I never received my notice. She said they’d had trouble with their mailings and asked for my Social Security number. I gave it to her, and she read back my name and address and said it was tomorrow morning at 9 AM at Converse High on State St. They allow three hours for the test, but you’re free to leave when you’re done. There are 100 questions, which means I cannot get more than 30 wrong. She said it’ll be 120 days before they mail my marks—that’s four months—and there are around 2,000 people taking the test. She also said to bring a birth certificate, a photo ID, and some number 2 pencils. Brenda took me to Shopper’s Drug where she met Emily, and Emily gave me the pencils. I bought them, of course, along with a pack of cigarettes like a jerk.

I was going to go to Tammy’s tomorrow, but Brenda’s got a visit with her kids she can’t cancel, and Bill’s here tomorrow and Monday. Maybe Tuesday. Tammy’s going to be pissed, and I understand that—I’m dying to see Sarah, but this test only comes up once every two years.

5:09 AM

It definitely doesn’t look like I’m going back to sleep, so I’ll write for a while. I’ve got a CD playing: Fleetwood Mac’s Greatest Hits. It’s pretty good; I like most of the songs, though some are boring.

Tomorrow, after the test, I still need to get pig food and a heavyweight bowl for Tigger. I’m getting pretty sick of him either knocking it over or slamming it against the side of his cage. I also need food for Gremlin and Shadow, plus stamps and paper plates. It’s also about time to buy another big bale of sawdust. There’s always something to buy, such as Gloria’s new record.

I think maybe I’ll hem some more of those pants Kacey gave me.

6:06 AM

Well, I didn’t hem the pants—one pair didn’t quite fit since I gained weight—but I did take my measurements and found I’ve gone down an inch since three days ago when I started exercising hard and taking Slim-Fast. I hemmed an old shirt that was almost to my ankles, bringing it up to mid-thigh. It came out better than I thought, but I’ll have Brenda check it to make sure it’s not crooked. I’m not too thrilled with the way it falls, but I’ll ask Brenda.

After my shower, I’ll put on another coat of nail polish and decide what to wear—something casual. I hope after the test and errands, I can catch a couple of hours of sleep so I can go to the Halloween party at the Pub tonight. I want to wear my new black lace skirt. Part of me hopes Brenda ends up too tired to go, so I can observe others without her observing me observe them. But then again, we mutually look at other women and are honest with each other. In the long run, Brenda will never have anything to worry about because gay women are a major turn-off to me in general, and it’s against the rules for me to be attracted to someone. Oh well. At least God allows people to be attracted to me, which is nice as long as they’re not major sickos. As time goes on, I’m having an easier time encountering better people, even if I don’t quite meet my desired standards.

Okay, time for my second coffee, then my shower.

3:20 PM

Brenda dropped me off at 8:30 this morning, and they made everyone who didn’t get their notice go into a room. They gave us an “appear” card after checking our names against the list, and they checked our photo IDs and birth certificates, which I need to photocopy and mail to Boston.

We had to print and sign our names, which they compared with our signatures on our licenses.

There were several butches there, and I got stared down by guys and butches alike. A Hispanic girl sat next to me. I’m not sure, but I think she was gay from the huge smile and wave she gave me as I walked in. We chatted here and there before the test. She urged me to choose South Hadley for one of my four choices of cities or towns to work in. My first choice was Springfield, but I had no choice because you had to pick where you lived for the last 12 months. My second choice was East Longmeadow. I would’ve chosen Longmeadow, but it wasn’t listed. My third choice was West Springfield. My fourth choice was Chicopee.

There were two classroom monitors, one man and one woman. The woman constantly stared at me; I caught her once, and her face turned bright red. After the test, as I was leaving, I could see her grinning to herself with the same red face.

We didn’t start the test until 9:30, and I finished at almost 12:30. I’m not sure whether I passed or failed. Some tricky questions had me going over and over them. I’ll know sometime in February. I’m anxious and have never wanted time to speed up so badly in my life. I usually don’t care about time or wish I could stop it and drop dead.

The landlord will be here any minute to fix the heat. Today and all last night, I froze my ass off.

I told Tammy I’d be down next weekend; she said she wasn’t mad, understood, and told me to think positively about the test.

After the landlord leaves, I hope to catch a few hours of sleep so I can go out tonight.

I called Philip and told him about the test; he’s happy and asked me to keep him posted. He also told me to call him tomorrow. I called John too, and he was pleased and proud. Lastly, I spoke with Andy.

10/30/1990 Tues. 4:41 AM

I wish I were just waking up, but instead, I’m wide awake. I slept until 6 PM. I’ve been so zonked out because I’ve had to be up at a certain time for specific reasons and wasn’t getting enough hours of sleep.

I have many errands to do, such as buying pig and cat food. I also need a bale of sawdust, stamps, and to make a photocopy of my birth certificate.

The mouse, who’s getting bigger, is now riding his wheel, and Shadow is growing so fast.

Andy came over earlier, and we made some phone calls to people who had ads in the Advocate to sell things.

Andy’s really upset. He’s having trouble with Miles, needs to find a job, needs to pay bills, and got in a car accident that he’s going to have to pay almost $1,000 to fix. It’s not fair—a drunken girl, who did get arrested, slammed into a parked car, then Andy slammed into her, yet Andy’s at fault. He was wearing his seatbelt, and the scary thing is, if I had been in the car, I probably wouldn’t have had my seatbelt on and could’ve gone through the windshield. Who knows how many stitches I’d have needed in my face? There are so many terrible drivers—it’s amazing and very scary.

I’m so pissed at myself because I just remembered I was supposed to call Philip and John three days ago and see Paula.

5:33 AM

I’m writing here on the waterbed. I put the mouse on the floor inside his plastic ball, and Shadow is having a hell of a time watching him and wishing so desperately to play with him—or eat him. It’s quite a funny sight to see him running around with Shadow chasing him. It was also cute when Shadow sat in Toffee’s cage. He doesn’t want to harm the other animals, but he might accidentally, since his playing can be too rough because he claws and bites.

Those drawings I did really blew my mind. I never could draw a line on paper before, and I feel good yet weird. It’s like—what’s next? I discover one thing after another that I can do. If not perfectly, then better than most.

Here comes Shadow again, checking on Gremlin after he took a dump in his box.

Andy and I may possibly go to an audition together early this evening, so I hope I get some sleep before then. Right now, I’m going to listen to music. I haven’t listened at all today. After that, hopefully I’ll get some sleep, wake up early in the afternoon, get my errands done, call John and Philip, and maybe even see Paula.

10/31/1990 Wed. 2:04 AM

I deliberately slept until 8:30 this evening since Andy and I couldn’t audition—he’s without a car until it’s fixed. Brenda’s also without a car, but tomorrow morning at 7:00, she and Kevin are going to pick up a car a guy is selling for $600. I made myself sleep long and late to reverse my schedule for a week or so; after that, it’ll go back to nights until I want or need to reverse it again.

I’ll tape Unsolved Mysteries, but I’ll have to miss Hunter. I’m also going to cancel Martha.

Early in the morning, Brenda’s going to call so I can get stamps to mail my mail, which is all set and ready. She’ll also take me to Food Mart, and when she brings me home, I’ll do laundry.

Tonight, I finished putting up my pictures in a different way, and it looks really nice. I also changed the cat box and swept the kitchen floor. After I finish my tea, I’ll listen to some music and do some drawing.

8:30 AM

John isn’t working today. I also tried to get a hold of Dr. Statz, but she’s on vacation for a couple of weeks, I guess. One of the three times I was in the ER, she treated me. I’m 100% sure the male nurse working with her was gay, and I’m about 85% sure she was too. I was totally touched by her—it was weird because she wasn’t overly attractive. There was just something about her. Like Linda’s song goes: it’s not that you’re attractive, but my heart grew active when you came into view. I had a crush on her. Sweetie pie.

Ever since then, I haven’t forgotten her. I can hear God saying, “Uh-uh, against the rules.” I think He wants me with someone less attractive so I can focus on personality. But I’d never be with Brenda if she were a bad person. Maybe another reason God has is that if I get dumped, I won’t be as hurt as much. I still long for someone with the character and personality I desire and to feel that once-in-a-lifetime sexual spark.

Please, God, please! Answer my prayers. Do it someday, very soon. God, what if I made a deal with You right here in this book? If I promise to try my hardest to quit smoking, will you think about it? Also, a beginning break with my singing, then I’ll pursue it from there. I hope you put serious consideration into my requests. If singing, having that special person, and a baby is too much to ask, I’ll understand. I’ll settle for singing and the special person only and give up the baby without asking for anything else.

4:33 PM

Around 9:00 this morning, Kevin and Brenda came and got me and dropped me off at Food Mart. I waited a long, exhausting time while Brenda brought Kevin to Palmer and back to pick me up. After that, she brought me to Shopper’s, where I got a photocopy of my birth certificate and stamps for my mail, which I mailed in the box outside the store.

While waiting for Brenda at Food Mart, I saw Allison. We spoke briefly, and she said she’d give me a call soon.

All my errands are done except for Friday, when I’ll get more food for the pigs and their big bale of sawdust. I still need to call Philip and John, and tomorrow I’m definitely going to see Paula. Jessie’s probably going to call today, too—she’s another person I need to see, and she and Brenda can meet each other.

I finally got back home at 10:30 this morning and fell asleep until 3:30. I’m exhausted, but I’ll stay awake so that at 11:00 tonight, after Hunter, I can go to sleep. I'd better not wake up at 3:00 AM and be unable to fall back asleep until 6:00 or 7:00 AM, then sleep until mid-late afternoon. I want to be up in the mornings from tomorrow until next Tuesday, for the next five mornings.

11:06 PM

When I got up, I made a pork chop and some angel hair pasta and got a call from my sister. Tammy said Mom told her, “I don’t want Jodi alone for her birthday, Chanukah, or Thanksgiving.” Tammy also said Mom told her to drive in and get me in the morning and bring me back the next day. Tammy tried to explain that it’s impossible with three kids, the business, and Bill working until 6:30 PM. Then Tammy said Mom pulled her typical line: “Good-bye, Tammy.”

I guess Mom fails to remember that I’m not alone, I’m not single anymore, and my girlfriend is fully willing to drive me down this Saturday—and for Thanksgiving and my birthday and Chanukah, which Tammy says she’ll combine into one big party. Tammy’s right—she can’t just go drive that amount of time. It’s strange why Mom’s so concerned about me not being alone for all these things.

I’ve spent holidays alone before, but when your own aunt and uncle invite you over like they did last year and then forget to call and pick you up, that’s not my fault.

Another case of taking the bad with the good. Fuck that.

September 1990

9/1/1990 Sat. 7 AM

Yesterday, Paula rang me at around 2 PM. I was asleep, but she left me a note saying to stop by cuz she wants to talk to me. I hope it's nothing to do with money or her asking for a favor that I really can't or don't want to do. Maybe she just wants to shoot the shit about life—her son, her family, guys, her life. She mentioned something about moving. Or maybe she'll come out and tell me she's gay. Fat chance, but for some reason, I still, to this day, wouldn't be surprised if she is. Even Brenda suggested it. She is kind of masculine and, if needed, ill-tempered, even though otherwise she's feminine and pretty—her hair, her skin, her teeth, her eyes.

The night before last, Andy, Fran, and I called Joe, Nerv's neighbor, and really got him, his niece, and her fiancée going well. I made some fantastic edits out of them. So now I have side A and most of side B of a 90-minute tape filled with edits of a few strangers, me, Andy, Fran, Nervous, Tracy, Bobbie, and my uncle, too.

Last night, Brenda and I went to see The Exorcist 3. I never saw parts 1 and 2, but I wish I had.

Jai's officially moved out, and may God be with me and grant me yet another great neighbor as good as Nancy and Jai were, and Steve and Brenda are. I hope it's either a straight woman or a gay man. I don't have to say why I don't want a straight guy, but I don't want it to be a gay woman who may, God forbid, be attractive that I can't have, or be ugly who wants me. I highly doubt either one could ever happen, though, cuz not too many ugly ones want me, or if they do, they're not usually a problem. Like men—being persistent, I mean. And as far as an attractive one, there are none.

9/10/1990 Mon. 5:47 AM

Yesterday morning, I called Fran, who called Nervous at the Bucket of Suds where he’s now working. I didn't say anything, but I got a hell of a great tape and made some super edits from it. Now both sides of the edit tape are complete, so that's 90 minutes of great edits.

Andy and I wish to hell Tracy would call us. We know she's still living with these two gay guys she recently moved in with. Andy, Fran, and I all got calls where this dirty song was playing, and we know it was Tracy, who knows all three of us. Also, both Fran and I have unlisted numbers.

In the early afternoon hours of yesterday, I spent a little time with Brenda, and Steve took out both my air conditioners. Thank God the temperature's dropped.

They got a guard put in their cab, which Kevin leases by the week, cuz he got robbed and other drivers are getting robbed left and right. Brenda drives to support her kids and leases it from Kevin. Kevin drives at night and on weekends, and he wants someone to drive on weekends for him. The thought of driving is scary, even though I do know how. I've only driven a dozen times or fewer since I got my license when I was 21. Brenda can only train me for two weeks, then she's not allowed in the cab with me. What if two weeks isn't enough? Driving on the highway scares me, and what if I had to drive all the way to Hartford as she did? I don't know the roads as well as most people either, being a passenger as long as I have.

However, I really do want to conquer this fear, as I know I'd be extremely proud of myself if I did, and God fucking knows I need the money. It's under the table, and I'm going stir crazy just sitting here, and my sleeping schedule is really bizarre. I want to try to kick this fear. I'd feel so proud and productive, and I know the longer I sit around, the harder it'll be, but I'll make it.

9/13/1990 Thurs. 2:04 PM

Yesterday I was fairly productive, and I decided to put this cab thing on hold till I know what's going on with the police officer exam I'm gonna be taking on October 27th. Filling out the application was fairly easy, and what's neat about it is that they have a waiver form that Brenda's getting from City Hall, which I forgot yesterday, for $20—that's the application fee. I know the test is gonna be 3–4 hours long, and I only hope I don't flunk it if they ask questions pertaining to math or something like that. If they ask something I either know nothing about or have never understood, then I'm doomed. They never tell you what's gonna be on the test. I hope it's multiple choice. It said that if you know other languages or have unique skills, it'll help your eligibility. I hope that wherever they're having the test, I can get there, and I hope that if I ever do get into the academy, I'll have no problem with transportation. Also, I hope they'll accept that I've only driven a few times since I got my license and that they'll be patient and work with me on that.

9/14/1990 Fri. 3:05 AM

Well, I mailed my police exam application with my waiver fee. The exam's on October 27th, but where and what time I do not know. Supposedly, they're going to mail a letter with the time and place listed. I sure hope it works out for once, and I can truly say that I am really looking forward to this.

I've thought about this on and off, and of course, I want to sing 10,000 times more, but as you can plainly see, I've given up music. You just can't make it without connections, money, and sex, and I don't have money or connections. Of course, sex is out of the question.

But would something like this, full of adventure and excitement, be meant to be any more than I once thought music was? What if they somehow discriminate against me cuz I look so small and naïve, and because of my past? It did say in the instructions that they can dismiss you if they feel they don't like you or that you'll be no good. I know I'd be good at it, though, and so do other people who are gonna try to put me down and out big time. But if I get into that academy, well, they're just not going to succeed.

3:53 PM

Guess what! Early this morning, my niece Sarah Elizabeth was born. That's great, and I love all my nieces, but am I ever going to have one of my own? I doubt it. If I ever do, though, I'd have to abandon my whole family—that means moving, getting a PO box, and a new phone number, etc. I don't want to do all this till Brenda and I have been together a while, are married, and have the money to move and start off with. She insists that with both our incomes combined, we can easily survive. She's going on disability, but she's still gonna drive the cab. So that would be $1,040 of SS and SSI, plus her cab fares. But if I am in the academy at the time or working wherever, doing whatever, then I'll have to work around that. The reason for dumping my family is that if Mom wants to disown me, I'll have beaten her to it. Also, if they pull any shit with the state, I'll be avoiding that, so I can keep my health and also my mental sanity.

9/17/1990 Mon. 9 AM

I am so fucking tired, it's amazing. Brenda and I had an argument last night, but it was my fault. I'll write more about it later. Meanwhile, my lungs are killing me. I'm so congested that it's scaring me to death.

I'm also a little nervous about the fact that I'll be visiting the good old GYN soon.

I'm downtown now. Brenda's seeing her therapist, who's up above Johnson's Bookstore. She has an appointment at the same time I do.

9/19/1990 Wed. 4 PM

What a great change for the better I've had since last Sunday night. I'm writing this as I wait for Martha, so I may have to stop soon when she comes down to get me. The argument Brenda and I had was basically about our differences in opinions about relationships, but now that I look back at it, it really was so stupid. I also had PMS, I guess, and I still haven't had my period yet, but I feel good mentally. I think that's because I feel so much better physically.

The weather has been extremely cool. Fall's here very early, so maybe that means we'll have a rough winter. I hope it snows a lot. Anyway, I can breathe!! What a relief.

The GYN went okay, but it hurt a little bit because I was tense and had only slept four hours the previous night.

9/24/1990 Mon. 3:23 AM

It's always up and down, never one or the other. It's back and forth between feeling good and feeling like shit—physically, I mean. I've been feeling pretty shitty with congestion lately in the mornings. It's pretty fucking scary, too. I feel trapped by the ciggies.

I saw Dr. McGovern when Brenda had to get her shot. He said that despite the way my lungs feel, I look healthier than ever. He always thought I was attractive, and he is a nice guy. Maybe he feels I look better because I'm still five pounds heavier than I've been in ages. Five pounds is usually no big deal, but when you're this short, it sure is. It shows.

Mom and Dad are gonna be here on 10/12, and I've got plenty of other things to write about, but at the moment, I'm just way too tired.

9/26/1990 Wed. 1:08 AM

I had therapy today, and a very odd but interesting day last Monday. Bill and I were sitting out on the back porch, and he said he spoke to Arthur, his husband, who, along with him, decided I should be paid. When he was at Dunaeff, the Dunaeffs got a percentage of his pay. I don't know how much I'm gonna get, but he says he'll figure it out, and every week I'll get a lesson and some cash. I told him any bit won't hurt, but at the moment, I've got nothing better to do, and I love music. Andy felt that was great of him, cuz most people would be selfish and keep all the money for themselves. He is so honest and trustworthy, and it was so nice of him to take his time out (one of his students didn't show up today anyway) to write directions for Brenda, who took me to Haydenville.

Bill and I were looking in the Advocate when I saw this ad saying cabaret performers were needed, along with people who could sing country music and were versatile. Over the phone, it turned out that Bill knows this guy whose name is Patrick. He's a nice guy with a nice home, too.

Brenda took me to his house, and two other girls were there, too. He showed us videotapes, publicity photos, and well, there's so much to explain, so I'll make it brief. They travel the East Coast and do musicals at clubs in Northampton and sometimes on cruises. He said the more abilities you've got, the better, such as Spanish, sign language, or guitar. I could write forever about this, and while I'd rather be the singer with the band, this may be a good start and lots of fun. I love musicals cuz they're so versatile with singing, acting, and dancing. I have to audition tomorrow, so again, I'll say that yes, it is a long shot if I get hired, but at least I'm trying rather than saying, "Fuck it, I won't even audition."

9/27/1990 Thurs. 1:33 AM

Today I went for my audition, and I bombed. It figures my allergies had to act up, and I was also nervous, which showed. Brenda said that although I was a little nervous, I still sang well. She also said the guy seemed a little high.

We met at the piano player’s house—Karin—who was so nice and looked very butchy, even though she's married with kids. One other girl auditioning, whom I met Monday night, sounded even worse with allergies. You could tell just by her talking, though I didn't hear her sing. The other girl I met last Monday night didn’t show up unless she came after I left. I went first since I was the first one to sing. Pat seems to really, really like this girl, too. He said he'd call me in a day or two, that I have a nice voice, but I'm not stupid. They usually never call back either way, and of course he's going to say I have a nice voice, whether I sucked or was great.

9/29/1990 Sat. 3 AM

I'm still lying here in bed, trying to suppress my desperation to have a child. Although I'm thrilled to go see my new niece, I'm just so envious. I wish there were a way to make my desires come and go. If I could do that, I wouldn't want to have a child, and I wouldn't want to be a singer.

My parents really piss me off. Who the hell are they to judge people and tell them what they should and shouldn't do? First, they raise their kids to accept people for the way they are (kind of), then turn around with this marriage-and-money-is-the-only-answer rule for having a kid. And this shit that if a single parent has a kid, they should all be taken away—where should all these kids go? Tammy was single when she had Lisa, but they were right there behind her all the way.

Tammy pisses me off too, saying if Andy's involved, she'll take the kid away. Then she turns around, calling him a fag, but it's okay that I'm gay. You just can't kidnap your sister's kid and tell the police or whoever that you did it because the father's gay and because you're pissed he won't drive your sister to your house. So, for both my sanity and physical safety, and in order to protect the kid in the same way, I just won't have a kid.

6:21 AM

Yes, of course, I'm still wide awake. Today I have to get pig food, food for Gremlin, and go to Food Mart. But first, I have to go to SIS, not only to withdraw money but also to complain about my ATM card. It hasn't been working—every time I try to use it, it gets spit back out at me. I tried cleaning it like I was told, but that's not working. Maybe it's scratched up.

Another thing I want to do is get something for Brenda for her birthday on 10/2. She'll be 31.

I also want to get something for the baby, like diapers or something.

August 1990

8/2/1990 Thurs. 3:20 AM

Right now, Andy's on the line dialing strangers to hear the edits in which I’m playing them. Speaking of the edits, I just had a great idea! I'd love to see what's said besides hearing them. The sentences, I mean, so I'm gonna write them all down and put a star right next to the best ones.

We also called fat Sue and Carl and played them the edits too, as well as the Rick and Nervous conversation.

We think what happened with Big Sue is that she bought her way in and gave the judges cocaine, and that's how she won.

Today was a great day with Bill here. I sang very well. Three songs: Falling in Love Again, Skylark, and What's New. I sang them through this microphone and amp he's letting me use, and it's totally awesome.

Brenda also bought me four shirts and a pair of shorts that are nice, and I polished her nails for her. She and I are going to Tammy's Saturday, and sunning Sunday, which I did yesterday and also last Sunday, and got a little color.

8/6/1990 Mon. 6:11 AM

I am so fucking pissed off! I just remembered that I fucking forgot to see the return of Twin Peaks last night cuz I was with Brenda, who really pissed me off yesterday for smothering me. I had quite a talk with her, and I know she means well and truly cares from the heart, but I do need space. I guess, however, I can understand how she feels cuz although my getting someone (regardless of personality), I'm overwhelmed by sexually is forbidden by God or whatever's out there, I know what it's like in my fantasies, and in these fantasies, I can easily be with them 24 hours a day.

Here's what the scale looks like when it comes to my take on sexual attraction. What I will not take: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. What I will take: 6, 7. What I can't get: 8, 9, 10.

Brenda and I went to Tammy's yesterday, and I loved seeing Lisa and Becky. Also, I showed them the video of the Frontier, and they enjoyed it.

Last Friday, Andy and I competed in the semi-final contest in which they pick 5 out of 10, and both Andy and I won. Next week, the $100 winners do the same thing, and then the week after that, the 5 semifinalists who were chosen compete against each other. Of course, Andy and I know we're going there to perform and not win, as of course it's gonna be fixed like it always is when it comes down to the final, final jeopardy. You fuck 'em all, you party with 'em all, you win.

8/7/1990 Tues. 7:25 AM

My lesson went pretty well yesterday. Bill brought the amp back and also bought me a cable to hook up my keyboard to it, and it makes it sound awesome. Of course, I love singing through the microphone too.

I haven't heard from Lisa, the EMT I had a one-nighter with, since the night I performed at the Frontier, and I hope she's still enjoying being alone. She’s a really nice girl, and I can truly understand her and the position she's been in, and I do appreciate her honesty. I'm glad we can talk every now and then, too. Of course, Kacey's still total history. Brenda, on the other hand, I really do care about and am attracted to, but like I said, not in an overwhelming way.

8/9/1990 Thurs. 4:20 AM

I got up at 3 pm yesterday and went to therapy at 4 pm, and it was a good session. I really like Martha now, and I know I can trust her. It took me almost a year to really take to her, and at first, she didn't really understand me and it was frustrating, but I really do like her a lot now and she does care and understand. She says she likes my philosophies and attitude and the way I express myself and understand myself and others. She also likes my sense of humor.

Let me get Gremlin out of his ball and in his cage and get another pen.

4:45 AM

Ok, I'm back. Continuing after therapy, Bill was here from 5:00 till almost 10:00, and we're both suspecting that this one student of his may be gay. A female. One who's 5’9" and very friendly and the athletic type like most gay women, but she's not a true butch. Her hair is somewhat long, and I'd kind of describe her as plain, but not ugly. The type I'd get, but hey, better than ugly or a guy. She seems more stable than Brenda, and again, Brenda's not a wacko, but this girl (I forgot her name) has an ok job and probably hasn't gone through as much shit, but people are people and no one's perfect. She lives in Agawam too, this girl, and her singing's pitiful.

Bill saw the video at the finals at the Frontier, and so did Stephan, which is Steve’s real name, and they thought it was great. They both hated Carl and felt Sue and Rachel didn't deserve to win. It's weird too, cuz originally I figured Carl was gonna blow me away to smithereens. Bill says, "They can't sing. Except for you, for some reason, my Springfield students can't sing like my Northampton or Hartford ones. I can help them get better, but they're never gonna really sing professionally."

This guy named Noel and this girl Dina are his worst. They can't sing 2 notes out of 10 on key to save their lives.

Later, or I should say earlier, I did some fantastic editing. I mean, it was awesome and very different. For example, I found an old tape from about a year ago when Nervous was here one night and I was singing, so I edited it and played it for Bill, who thought it was great for just fooling around, and he wants a copy of the edits. So later on the phone with Andy and Fran, I told Andy that Bill said it was good, and after he told me the parts I edited he liked best, he said, "You're right. It's fantastic and I hear traces of Donna in it."

So that made me feel good that he said that. I should record myself singing out of the amp.

8/14/1990 Tues. 6:57 AM

I'm supposed to be going to the beach today, but I have no money to pay Andy for gas and I have no money for food. Plus, I have a slight sunburn and I don't want to overdo it, and Andy wants to be there till night to walk on the beach. He told me to cover up if I feel I'm gonna burn, but that's still a long time on the beach, and it's just being in the heat for so long that I can't stand. I've been up since 5:30, and I'll be up many more hours, and also going so many hours with no food. Forget about cooling off in the water, cuz that beach is now so murky and dirty and you can't even see the jellyfish, and now's the time the water's got tons of them.

7:18 AM

I awoke at 5:30 today, and I'm still not sure if I'm going to the beach today. I can't say that I don't want to, but I can say that I wish I had more money and I wish we could both afford a hotel.

I'm gonna go have my second cup of coffee, or as Tracy once accidentally said, my second “coffee,” then take a shower and shave just in case. Part of me would rather stay here and go grocery shopping and do some laundry. I need to wash my curtains, rugs, blankets, and my shower curtain. If I did end up staying here, I'd see if Brenda could take me to Forest Park. I hope Andy, for some reason, really can't go. That'll make the decision a hell of a lot easier. However, he hasn't been there since March, so I know he wants to go for sure.

9:43 AM

Andy mentioned leaving by 10:00 or 10:30, so we'll see if he calls soon, but in the meantime, guess who was here the last couple of days? Jai and Jenny! I only spoke to them briefly, but we had a great talk. They were arguing a little, but otherwise, they seemed to be doing pretty well, and it was great to see them. Jenny still told me how beautiful she thought I was and was constantly staring me up and down, and Jai and I were joking about all Andy's and my lines. He pretty much remembers them all, too.

I called Nervous at Feinstein's Leather and told him to call me later cuz I want to talk to him about Sasha. Mom once made a comment saying, "Your problem is all due to smoking." There's really no big difference since she's been gone. I still have a hard time breathing when it's hot or humid and when the air's very polluted or when I smoke too much. It rained badly last night, so today the air is very clean, crisp, and cool, cuz when it rains, it pushes down and smothers all the pollution. So, if things ever were to work out with Sasha, what would she do to the animals? She never hurt the pigs; in fact, she used to sit in the big cage I used to have with them, but now I have little mice. Also, I was told that there's a spray you can use if you do have bad allergies, but mine were never as bad as Philip's. He came over one night when I lived on Oswego St. and sneezed and sneezed non-stop, and his face got all swollen till he had to finally just leave. Nothing would ever bother me if I didn't smoke, but I can't quit. God, if I never smoked, I could probably be in a very dusty room on a very hot and humid day and not really be bothered or affected in any way.

8/15/1990 Wed. 11:43 AM

I didn't get the chance to write yesterday, but I had a fantastic time at the beach, and I got some awesome color. Andy hugged me and thanked me for going with him, and I told him that I had more to thank him for. He paid the way as far as gas goes and bought us a chicken dinner, which we split. It cost $7.50! It was hideous, though, and tasted like cardboard.

We lay on the beach for several hours and even went swimming out on the sandbar. The sandbar was up to his waist and up to my tits, but it was fun and also so hot that it was necessary. The water was quite murky, though, and cuz of that I was paranoid about jellyfish. Several people said they hadn't seen any this year and very few last year, which to me was unusual, especially for August. The water was quite cool too, for August. We each took walks by ourselves to the rocks and we saw Charlotte, who looked pretty good and seemed glad to see us. I played Words Get in the Way and she liked it. She also let us use her bathroom and gave me a soda. After I ate, I saw Mrs. Labriola, and when it got dark, we went to the flat rocks and he did his pretend interview and I was with some imaginary girlfriend.

The drive back was peaceful and enjoyable as I lay in the backseat, pretty drained from the sun and from being up since 5:30. We passed someone's tour bus, too.

I got home at almost 11:00 and quickly ran into my apartment to escape seeing Brenda cuz I was just so beat and went immediately to bed.

Today, I see Martha at 4:00, and Bill will also be here. I want to do laundry today, get some groceries, and change the pigs' cages.

One of my mice died yesterday, and the only reason I can think of as to why is that the fan was blowing on him all night and it got quite cool, and he was in the wire cage, not the glass tank, which is a little more enclosed. Now I fear for Toffee, Tigger, and Gremlin as the disease is contagious. I sprayed the room with Lysol and I hope that cuz it's summer, it'll air out.

I feel so tired and lazy today. I guess I need to eat, and it's probably cuz of all the sun I had yesterday, so I feel very warm.

Brenda had to go to court for the guardianship of her kids, and on her way out, she gave me a pack of cigarettes and said she'd call me when she got home.

8/16/1990 Thurs. 3:42 AM

Well, today is Tammy's birthday. She's 33 and also the only one in the family who looks her age. It's Madonna's birthday, too, and she's 32.

Andy said earlier on the phone that he and a friend watched the video of the Frontier's performance and that he was shocked when he heard me. He said, "Wow! I haven't seen this, and I was impressed. Also, you could really hear you, even in the beginning." The night we performed, he said he'd only seen a small part of my song.

For Friday night's lip-sync contest, I'm gonna do No More Words by Berlin. I wish I could sing live, but this is not a talent show like at the Frontier. It's strictly lip-synced only.

Today, therapy went quite well, and so did the lesson with Bill. He had me up to a C# above high G for the exercises. It was very loose and relaxed and didn't feel strained. My strength, power, and even more clarity are back, but sometimes I do get short of breath and have a lot of phlegm in my throat and nasally cuz I smoke. But overall, it was a far cry better than a long time ago.

As for the performance at the Frontier? Well, everyone who's seen it likes it, but I feel I could be better. Aren't I always way too critical of myself? I felt it sounded too much like a kid singing. You know, like a high school girl or something like that. I felt I couldn't be heard well, and also that Gloria couldn't be heard well, and that both of us were distorted and mumbled into each other. I thought I'd overpower her, but others say I was louder and it sounded like a woman who was trained, and I know they wouldn't lie—especially Andy.

Bill's on vacation next week in San Francisco. Lucky bastard! He's a great guy, though, and he does deserve it, but when the hell am I gonna get out of here for more than one day?

8/20/1990 Mon. 11:10 PM

This weekend was sort of a depressing one, as reality hit home this time. It was pretty scary, too.

As usual, the contest was fixed, but I felt like I pulled off my performance better than I thought I'd pull it off. I won't really know for sure unless I see the video of it. It was taped.

As far as reality's concerned, well, I just don't like the business, and I finally realized it wasn't destined like I thought it was. I feel I'd have made it by now, and also I'd never have been a smoker or have been able to quit by now. Also, I don't feel it's a place for a gay woman to be. I mean, I can see if you're a gay guy or some big bull butch, but I'm not. I'm a tiny, feminine one who's a prime target of rape and other violence. I'd be crazy to even try to make it, cuz I will get raped or possibly killed. Believe me, God will see to it, cuz for every good thing I get, I get something bad with it, and as far as something spectacular like that happening to me, well, I'm 100% sure something terrifying will happen to me. Also, you have to have money to make money and have backers and connections and be a druggie. No way.

So, after realizing all this, I asked myself, "What's left?" I can't have any kids, and I want college to be my last resort if I can help it, so I thought about the police academy, but who knows if I can even do that. All I know is, somehow, someway, I have to make a living and try to get a better income for myself. I'm gonna hate it with a passion, but it's either that or disability till Mom and Dad die, and I don't want that. I'm going to miss never having my dream come true, but hey, does anybody ever get what they really want when it comes to their careers or their lovers? I just can't keep living on dreams and fantasies forever.

8/21/1990 Tues. 7:25 PM

I am now watching A Current Affair, which is just about over. Later, I’ll watch Cops on 61 while recording Golden Girls on 22 on the big TV in the living room.

Brenda is here. She's pretty tired. She says some lady hit the side of her cab today.

8/28/1990 Tues. 1 AM

I'm on the phone right now with Fran, who's on the other line, and believe me, I know who he's talking to. This girl named Liz, whom he recently started to date. I spoke with her for a while a few weeks ago. She seems nice, but perhaps a little young, naïve, and wild. As far as Fran goes, yes, he's his usual pushy self, but it is kind of cute and sincere. He's very lonely, and I just listened to them speak to one another. They spoke for half an hour, and then when they were done, I called Liz and played just one line of Fran's from the edits—the one where he tells Nervous, "You ought to do your laundry, it stinks." I knew it was mean, but I couldn't resist. I crossed her with some mean old hag of a lady, too.

8/29/1990 Wed. 2:38 AM

Today, Brenda, Andy, and I went to the beach. We enjoyed ourselves very much, but I had some slightly annoying period cramps.

By the way, before I continue to write about our day at the beach, let me say Andy will be ringing the doorbell soon. He called to say he was dying to take a walk, but that he'll only ring to say, "Hi. I'm here." Then he'll walk back home and call me.

Well, I got some fairly decent color, but we were all sort of off to a late start, so we all could've gotten more. Some’s better than none, though, right? We saw Tammy and also Michelle, the daughter of Dick and Bea, who owns the skating rink where I took figure skating lessons when I was around 12 or 13 years old. That is also where I had my very first cigarette, thanks to good old Jenny C. We all went swimming, but not really swimming, as the water was kind of cold, which is weird—especially for August. What is it with this beach lately? The water, however, was a little clearer, but it's still polluted, and I'm sure it will always be. We went to the flat rocks during the day and at night.

It is now 3:12 AM, and Andy rang my bell about 15 minutes ago, and in about a half-hour, he'll call me when he gets home. But I'm whipped, so I'm gonna lie down. I want to sleep as many hours as I can before having to get up to see Martha at 4:00 tomorrow. The last two nights, I've only barely slept six hours each night.

8/30/1990 Thurs. midnight

Today is Gloria's birthday. She's 33 years old, 10 years younger than Linda.

I looked back further in this book, and I was shocked that I'd forgotten to write about my new pig, Trixie, unless I missed it. Brenda got her for me. She reminds me so much of Jellybean, whom I had the last time I lived here. She's so lovable and gives me kisses just like Jellybean used to and Toffee does. I didn't expect to buy a guinea pig, but she looks like Toffee, and that kind of coat is rare. I couldn't resist. Toffee's black with streaks of golden rusty brown, and Trixie's black with a streak of white that goes from the back of her neck down her shoulder to her paw. She's also got a little patch of white under her neck. Brenda named her, so they're the three Ts: Toffee, Tigger, and Trixie.

Gremlin's doing fine too, thank God.

Andy and Fran are on the phone now, as Andy calls people to hear the Rick and Nervous tape that's playing while I write, but I'm gonna go listen to music now.

I've been beat all day. Why, I do not know. I slept from 4 AM to almost 3 PM today.

I saw Martha, and Bill was here from 6:30 to 9:30.

July 1990

7/11/1990 Wed. 2:40 AM

As I lie here waiting for my edits to rewind, I realize I have so much to write about. I really should keep up with it every day, so I get in all the details and don't have to stop and ask myself, "Am I covering everything that's happened since my last entry?" or, "Have I written about this or that yet, or have I forgotten?"

First, I'll start by saying that the lessons over here are going great. Bill is here twice a week; his students are very nice, and it's fantastic getting free lessons—that’s $36 I’m saving. I've only had two lessons from Bill so far, but he’s already working his miracles once again. My voice is so relaxed, and he's doing exercises that help to widen my range. It's more soprano-like, even though I'm a definite contralto. It's a lot of fun, and I feel great about it.

As far as my edits go, I have one hell of a classic masterpiece here. I've completed Side A and have started Side B. It mainly features Nervous, as he's got the best voice for it, being a "sack of nerves" and "choking up on his breath," as Fran's brother Rick put it a year ago. The tape contains me, Andy, Fran, Nervous, Rick, Tracy, Tony L, and this other guy. My uncle Marty is on it, too.

Now, everything I just wrote is basically petty detail; I’m now going to mention two things that will be the greatest and most shocking things I've written in all my journals combined. Before I do, though, I'll say that on July 28th, I hope I can write something even greater and more shocking to top what I'm about to write. On Friday night, June 21st, it was a last-minute decision for me to perform at the Pub and the Frontier. The Pub's contest is strictly lip-sync, but the Frontier's contest was for talent, meaning you could sing live if you wanted to. I won $125 between the two! I lip-synced "Si Voy a Perderte" at the Pub and sang "Don't Wanna Lose You" live at the Frontier. I got such a major response from the audience; it was amazing, and I felt so confident and really, really enjoyed myself. There were several weeks of contests at both places; I don't know when the finals will be at the Pub, but the finals at the Frontier will be July 28th, and Andy and I are both in it, competing together for $1,000! The one at the Pub is going to be for $500, but as I said, I don't know when yet. I'm going to sing "Si Voy a Perderte" live.

Last Saturday, we had rehearsals for the opening song, "Vogue," which we're all doing, and, funny enough, I am the lead dancer. We have rehearsals again next Saturday. Last Saturday, Bruce, Chuck, and Rachel didn't show up, so they lost points. I hate to say it, but I was glad because they're great performers. The MC, Wally, made us pick a number out of a hat, and I picked 6, so that means I'll be the sixth one to perform. Andy was number 2, which pissed him off, and now he's even more pissed because he's number 1; Bruce is now refusing to perform after Andy told him he’d be number 1 at his store today. They say it isn't good to be number 1–4 because the judges tend to forget about you once the numbers get higher. I just hope to hell Chuck and Rachel don't show up, but then again, I'm sure Renee will, and she's good. There are going to be four judges, and Wally says they cannot fix it or play any favoritism, but my main worry is Chuck because he's going to sing live and he is good. I mean good. And also, he's not a real woman.

6:15 PM

I thought I had therapy today, but I guess not. When I went down there today, Martha was nowhere to be found. The receptionist—whom I know, but I keep forgetting her name—said she's got me written down for tomorrow at 10:00. I don’t know why, because she told me she was changing the time to late afternoon at 4:00. Rose said she'd call me later.

Bill is here now with Cindy, who's pretty good, but he also has some sorry cases. I bet he can make them all good, though, after all he's done for me.

Brenda's gone to Palmer for the night to babysit her son, daughter, a foster child, and three other kids who all live with her sister Donna and her brother-in-law, Kevin. He’s a cab driver who used to know Crystal.

Since I haven't yet written about 30-year-old Brenda, I'll start by saying that I met her through Tom next door, whom she was seeing and living with until he moved out. She’s 5’6” with dark eyes and dark hair down to the middle of her back. She’s a quarter Cherokee. She’s also too thin. I had met her many weeks before we actually began speaking and noticed her very, very intense stare as I was coming into the building and she and Tom were on their way up from the laundry room to the apartment next to mine. Finally, several weeks later, she came over and said, "I don't mean to be personal, but are you gay?" When I said yes, she told me she was bi and that she liked Tom, but that he can be very immature at times since he's only 18 and very vulnerable. She also told me she had been married for 10 years and, of course, like most males, he beat her up and used her for sex; he also fucked her over as far as the kids go. Also, the courts screwed her over, just like they always do when it comes to women and children. They're living with her sister and Kevin, who have been married for 10 years and seem happy. Brenda's glad they're still in the family, even though she misses them to death.

7/14/1990 Sat. 7:35 PM

I had rehearsals today, and I will again next Saturday. It was a lot of fun. Loopy didn't show up again, and Rachel and Carl—whose name I thought was Chuck—were late again. Thank God, because Carl is an excellent singer and I've heard Rachel is good, although I've never seen her perform. Carl and I will be the only ones to sing live. Renee may possibly sing live, too. They changed the prizes for the finals, and the date, too. It'll be the 27th rather than the 28th. Also, instead of $1,000 for the winner, it'll be $500 for 1st place, $300 for the runner-up, and $200 for 3rd place.

As far as Brenda's concerned—well, she is attractive, though not the most attractive, of course, because that's just a dream. Yet she really does care and loves my music, and we have lots in common, but she smothers me too much and I need to spend more time alone than the average person. If it were someone as gorgeous as Gloria, then that'd be different, but as I said, that's just a dream. Especially in the gay world. Trying to find a very beautiful, sexy, feminine, flashy gay woman who's decent is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. She's far from ugly, though, and life is full of compromises, right?

7/19/1990 Thurs. 12:23 AM

Oh my God, have the '90s been a major change, or what? For the better, that is, so far. I was telling Martha this today in therapy, and how the '80s were a definite curse for me. She laughed her ass off at the way I said it, even though we both know it's true. She also cracked up at the way I said, "I should know, sweetheart."

The lessons here with Bill are still going great. Also, Paula comes over or I go over there, and I still speak with Fran, Tracy, Steve, Jessie, Dedra, and of course, Andy. We don't hear too much from Nervous, though. This girl, Jackie, whom I met when I was working at the store, is supposed to come over for a visit. I don't know when, as I've been unusually busy, but it feels great. I've also got to see Allison at the store sometime.

Also, sometime tomorrow, I believe I'll be going for a Top 40 band audition.

7/23/1990 Mon. 6:49 AM

Jesus Christ! I'm so pissed off. I can't sleep to save my life. I cannot stand summer; it's so fucking humid. I eat and sleep weirdly in the winter, but not this weird.

Today at 2:00, I have to go to the allergy and asthma doctor. Also, Bill's supposed to be here and I've got to find out what time so someone can let him in if it runs into my appointment. I really should schedule my GYN and dentist appointments and get a complete physical. And also, I've got some very serious house cleaning and laundry to do. Then the last and kind of scariest thing on the list is to call SIS and find out how I screwed up my book and bounced something. These things with the bank always turn out to be worse than you originally thought. If it's true, I'll die. I'll get absolutely no help from Mom; plus, we had a huge fight. What else is new?

I have to wait until Tuesday for a yes or no as far as getting into the band, Cue, that I mentioned. They were definitely impressed and the manager said so, but for everything you do well, there's always someone better. My singing was okay, but it could've been better. It was extremely hot and humid that day, like almost 100º. They liked my pitch and my keyboard playing, but of course, I told them I was better at guitar. Also, they liked my singing in Spanish, my ability to dance, and my looks. They're very friendly, too, and they don't make you nervous. Even though it looked good for me, I'm always a doubter until proven wrong and something does work out for the better.

7/24/1990 Tues. 5:40 AM

Yesterday morning, I went to the ER since the Cipro I was given made me so restless. Brenda took me to the ER, and both Dr. McGovern and Dr. Mudawar met us there. Dr. McGovern gave me something called Ceftin, as I have bronchitis. It has been extremely hot and humid, and the air is so polluted.

My two mice, Gremlin and Gizmo, are going bonkers for attention just like Tigger does, and most especially of all, Toffee. They were given to me by Bonny, Brenda's friend of 20 years. They've known each other since they were 10, and they're both 30 now. Bonny’s ugly and butchy-looking, but is seeing a Black guy.

Today's the day I get called either way, as far as a yes or a no about the audition. As I said, I tend to be doubtful, as it usually takes many auditions before you get lucky. Everyone goes through that, whether they're great singers, mediocre, or sucky, and whether they stay local or get big-time famous.

7/25/1990 Wed. 6:27 PM

I got up at 3 pm and had therapy at 4 pm, which went quite well.

Yesterday I sang quite well, as the Ceftin has been helping me drain my congestion.

Brenda enjoys it when I sing for her. Yesterday, Brenda and I talked, watched TV, went to Food Fart, and made love. I am getting more and more comfortable with her, and I feel less and less tense and awkward. I tell her I feel guilty cuz she does so much for me, and I was such a bitter crab in the beginning, but she says she understands me and that you can never do too much for someone you really care about. Here's someone who loves me for me and who's had problems but isn't whacked out. Of course, we're gonna give it time before we discuss living together. That's a mega major step.

She is great in bed, too.

Bill's here now with his students. I hope we can sing later cuz I couldn't on Monday. I was too sick, and thank God for Brenda, who took care of all that so I could sleep.

Tomorrow night I have rehearsals, then Friday night's the big night.

As far as the band goes, I won’t know until Sunday, as they've had tons of calls, but I called Mr. Grant, who's black. The whole band is, except for the manager, Dave, who I think is neat. I said, "I don't mean to be impatient or pushy, but I'm excited about this. How does it look?" He said not bad. I'll just keep hoping and praying with my fingers crossed till Sunday.

7/28/1990 Sat. 7:44 AM

This was the day 9 years ago that I was admitted to the Brattleboro Retreat until December 19th. It's so hard to believe it was a whole 9 years ago. And it was 8 years ago, around this day, this month, that I was admitted to Valleyhead, and 6 years ago, I left.

Well, last night was the finals at the Frontier, and several people are pretty pissed off, including me, Brenda, Andy, Andy's sister Marla, and others. Once again, it was 100% fixed, just like the Pub. 500-pound Sue, who looked totally ridiculous, won. Rachel, whom I hear was boring, got second place. Renee got third. Renee is good, though, and so is Bruce, who decided at the last minute he was going to perform. I'm telling you, when it comes to amateur productions in a meat marketplace, they fuck over any decent person who's got talent. Another thing is that they hate real women. They're jealous. Plus, it's all popularity, too. Sue’s an ass kisser and knows everybody and probably fucks everyone and parties with everyone. She has been nice to me, though. She bought me an $11 pair of shoes I needed for Vogue, helped me with my hair, and made all the people who lost flowers. It's still not fair, though. They've fixed these things before on me, Andy, and many others. Of course, Dedra will win the finals at the Pub.

Also, Brenda told me one of the judges, whom they call Roxy, gave her dirty looks, and Brenda overheard her say, "Oh, she's just using Jodi," in the bathroom. All bitter, spiteful, and jealous cuz she's not a real woman and the bitch can't sing. I can't wait to confront this bitch. I never even saw or met this queen before in my life, and neither has Brenda. Andy knows her, though.

Andy's sister Marla videotaped the show, so I'll have to see it. Andy says he liked my singing, and so did many other people, and yes, there are a lot of good, honest, caring people there, but always the one or two jerks get in the way and fuck everyone and everything up.

In the dressing room, Bruce and a few other people said they were pissed Roxy was one of the judges cuz she's unfair. They also lied when they said the judges wouldn't know anyone and there'd be no favoritism. Everyone said Carl's singing sucked. I feel he hit some very high, powerful notes well, but yes, he went quite flat on a few notes and really poured it out too much. I did have a lot of fun with rehearsals and the performance, and I do have true and sincere friends there, but life sucks and it's just not fair. Now all I have to do is wait for Sunday so I can hear some more depressing news about that band, Cue. That's if they even call me, and you know what that means if I'm the one who has to pick up the phone and call them.

7/29/1990 Sun. 6:26 AM

I'm so pissed! I'm going through the same bullshit on this antibiotic, being so restless. I can't sleep for the life of me. At first, I thought it was me and said to myself, "What is wrong with me?" until I realized what was going on. I slept less than 5 hours yesterday, too. Also, all night long, I was exhausted, and I figured I'd sleep pretty well. I mean, I do have something on my mind, but still, this is ridiculous.

Speaking of something being on my mind, well, today's Sunday. Another day of depressing news about the band.

As I was up all night, I realized something about myself. Well, people say not to be so negative and to be more positive, and I realized sometimes I am positive as well as negative, but either way, anything I really want or try for that means a lot to me comes out negative. Seriously. I always fall flat on my ass, whether I think positively or negatively, so what difference does it make how I think? None at all. I know for sure I didn't make it in this band, so why pretend I was all psyched up for it, thinking, "I know I won. I just have to win. I know I've made this band." In the long run, it always turns out negatively. Yeah, well, no more jokes on me cuz today I know just what to expect. I don't fool myself or lie to myself either. Same thing if I met a beautiful gay woman like Gloria who was single and looking. I would never get her, whether I thought positively and pursued her, or hoped she pursued me, or if I thought negatively.

7/30/1990 Mon. 6:35 AM

Yesterday was one hell of a day. To start off with, I slept only 3 hours. When I got up at 11:00, I felt like shit and was bottled up with a lot of stress, as I've been through so much bullshit lately.

Brenda told me that we were gonna leave at 12:30 to go to this lake with a little beach in Ludlow and that Bonny and Dave decided not to go. So it got close to 2:00, and Bonny still wasn't back yet, so I figured she was angry with me and that's why she was doing it, cuz originally she wanted Brenda with Bonny's sister Gail, but Gail's got a girlfriend, and Brenda said long before she met me she wouldn't really feel comfortable dating Gail cuz they were too good of friends. Brenda says she feels like they're sisters and it would almost be like incest. Also, Bonny's the type who likes to do things her way only. So finally, Bonny came back, and I called her by phone and she said she didn't want to talk, and I knew right away it was cuz she knew I was mad and that I was right, but couldn't handle that, so it was easier for her to "hide," as she says I do. So I screamed out my open window and into theirs that it was ok for her to be a bitch but God help anybody else if they've got something to say. And there's a lot more to it, meaning a lot of other shit she's said (I'm not gonna waste my time getting into it), but it's too bad cuz we've had some good talks and she's otherwise a nice girl. To wrap it up though, after me and Brenda got back from Ludlow, Bonny comes running out as we were coming up the stairs, bitching about how I cussed her out, and said what I had to say about her smart mouth and false assumptions she's made about me (she’s jealous of Brenda spending time with me and not with her and Gail), and also, I think Tom filled her head with bullshit. She was saying that they were getting evicted and that if I wanted to fight, we could go outside, as she went to jump me. Before I could jump her back, Brenda and Dave stepped between us, and I really wish they hadn't cuz I would've fucked this bitch up bad and she would've deserved it 100%.

Afterward, we talked about it on the phone, and she told me she has PMS. But that was no excuse to lunge at me, and she’s lucky they stepped in our way. I told her I’d beat her silly if this happened again, but if not, I'd like to put it in the past and forget it. She said she already has and asked that I not dump Brenda out of anger.

June 1990

6/7/1990 Thurs. 8:23 PM

The day I met that girl Lisa, I was wrong to expect an ugly or plain-looking girl. She was absolutely gorgeous, but I was right about that not being allowed by God. Plus, I figured before ever seeing her or hearing how stable and mature she sounded over the phone that she'd never call to get together with me again. I really find it no great loss, though—I really need to be alone. I won't say I never have thoughts or desires, but I will say that I don't want any hassles or heartaches. I'm so used to the way things are.

Ma's birthday was yesterday, and when I called, she sounded like a bitch. I don't know why, but does she always need a reason to be a bitch?

Today I spoke to Dad, and when they come up from Florida in August, they're going to help me get out of here. I've decided I definitely need to move to Connecticut. I need family. This city is getting so bad. I want to have a child, and there's just nothing at all to do here. I'm so bored! I really want to be near my nieces and possibly make a little extra money on the side, teaching music or sign language to kids or adults. Also, if I'm not sterile, I really want to have a baby while I'm young, before I get fully immersed in my music career.

6/16/1990 Sat. 5:36 AM

Andy and I had an awesome night last night. To start with, about two nights ago, I was fooling around on the phone, dialing randomly and hoping for a woman to answer because I was going to hit on her. Instead, a guy answered, but I hit on him just the same anyway.

When I did hit on him, assuming he'd say yes as the typical male would, I was shocked when he said no. I asked why, and he said, "Because I'm gay." I told him I was too, and explained that I was just fooling around on the phone. Through the discussion, I learned that he was a very well-known regular at the Pub and the Frontier. His name is Dedra and he dresses in drag. I also talked to another drag queen who was one of his roommates—a Black guy who goes by the name of Renee, whom I immediately remembered having seen before.

So, last night Andy and I went to both the Pub and the Frontier to see the lip-sync contest, which Renee won. In second place was a guy who looks a lot like George Michael; he is also a roommate of Dedra and Renee, as is a guy named Corinne. They're all so friendly.

Dedra said she was shocked to see how beautiful I was. She said she'd spread the word about me and that they know people just as feminine as I am. Also, they seem pretty drug-free. Dedra insists that I'll have no problem getting a decent, feminine woman.

Sure.

Anyway, Andy and I ended up playing the piano, and I sang very well. My voice is getting better and better. Before I sang, Corinne told me he could tell I was a trained singer because of the way I breathe, the way my vocal cords vibrate in my throat, and by looking at my mouth. Even in a singer's sleep, they breathe differently. I remember Kacey waking me up, saying she thought I was dead because I was so still.

6/28/1990 Thurs. 5:55 PM

The last thing I said the last time I wrote isn't nearly as shocking as the things I'm going to write about this time. First, though, it turns out that Dedra, Renee, and Corinne all live in my old apartment on the first floor around the corner. What a weird coincidence, huh?

That's nothing compared to what I'm about to write now. I was on the phone one night with a girl who called from a 900-line (whom I never bothered to call back) when my hero, Bill, called. He said that Jean and Alex Dunaeff at the Dunaeff School of Performing Arts were closing because they're retiring. Jean, I guess, has had a slight stroke.

Bill went on to say how he hated to see a low-income person have to back out and that he needed a place to teach in Springfield. He's from Northampton and also gay, as I pretty much figured. I told him my place was huge and I'd be honored and thrilled to have him use it to teach. So, he came over and saw how huge my living room is. He said he wasn't trying to use me for a place to teach, but that he really liked working with my voice and that if it works out, he'd teach me for free.

May 1990

5/1/1990 Tues. 11:55 AM

I am at the store now. I rolled out of bed at the last minute and was dead exhausted. I never fell asleep until about 3:00 this morning. Maybe I'll go to bed early tonight and record tonight's shows—Matlock, In the Heat of the Night, and Midnight Caller. I need to buy more blank videotapes.

I just called Nervous. He's going to call me later because he's going to be on the road all day.

I'm going to call Fran's, and if his machine comes on, I'm going to press *37 and hear his messages. Tracy told Andy and me about that. I guess you can call the phone company to get that so you can hear your messages no matter where you are.

I'm finished with both Tracy and Fran because of their bullshit, and I also never got my $10 back that I lent to Tracy. There I was thinking she wouldn’t take advantage of Andy or me! Now the fucking con artist has nobody, and I hope Bobbie tosses her out on the street.

12:15 PM

The phone company says they may get *59 within a year. That’s supposed to automatically dial the last person to call you. It won't do me and Andy any harm if people auto-dial us while we're making our calls because sooner or later someone's going to call them, erasing our numbers from the auto-dialer.

I can't call Fran from this phone because Carl has a rotary phone here, which sucks.

Today I've got to mail a check for the phone, rent, gas, and electricity.

5/2/1990 Wed. 11:55 AM

I just called asking for Nervous at work, and Dick, his boss, answered and said, "What's he look like? We have a lot of people working here."

So I said he was bald and had a big, fat gut. Then, when Nervous got on the phone, I told him to tell Dick that my friends and I missed putting funny messages on his machine, but that we won't because Dick is a nice guy.

Nervous has to bring Sasha to the vet today, and he'd better tell them, like he said he would, that Sasha's now his cat and to send the bill to him. Then he'll be up at the store, and I want him to meet me when I get out of school.

Yes! I'm going back to school! I forgot to write about it. I called Jean Dunaeff, the owner of Dunaeff School of Performing Arts, and even though she has a waiting list, she's gonna take me in. And it's tough to get in, but she's heard me sing and always said that, in her opinion, I had a beautiful voice, and of course they have to be honest because if you don't have a voice, they can't train you, so they're not gonna waste their time and yours. They have to feel that you have very good potential.

Bill is still there. He helped me before and is a really good teacher. He will help keep my voice in shape, which is all I really need since I'm already trained. This guy worked miracles for me overnight, along with good old Nana and Pa’s spirits. (I never did write about the bizarre experiences I had, which I believe Nana and Pa were connected to.) Anyway, if you suck, he'll make you good. If you're good, he'll make you fantastic. Of course, it would help 100% if I didn't smoke.

5/4/1990 Fri. 1:10 PM

Boy, yesterday was a hell of a shocking day. I was sound asleep at 12:30 PM. I didn't feel like going in cuz I was up all night the previous night and wasn't feeling too hot. At 12:30, my doorbell rang and I thought it was either the landlord or UPS wanting me to claim a package for someone in the building, but when I asked who it was, a guy said, "Yeah, instead of that long letter I owe you, I got those K.T. Oslin tapes."

It was my father!!! So he came up and we talked, and I played the K.T. Oslin tape for him, which he's trying to get me into, just like I got him into the Judds.

After that, we went to Friendly's, where Andy is working, and we had a great talk and a lot of laughs. When Andy asked if Dureen was here too—and Dad said no cuz one of her employees' husbands is in the hospital—we grinned at each other (without Dad seeing, of course). He knows what a bitch my mother is and that I value any time I can get alone with Dad.

Then we went to Brightwood Hardware in Longmeadow, where I got pig food and supplies, and then to Steiger's, where I got two shirts and a skirt. Lastly, we went to Blodgett's, where I got a new guitar for only $138!! It looks and feels exactly like the Suzuki I used to have, which was $215. This one’s a Fender. I didn't buy the case cuz I've got the old Suzuki case.

Jim, the guy below me, said it was great and that I got a good deal on it after he tried it out himself.

Dad intended to buy me the jacket I've wanted, but since I already got it, he bought everything else. I paid $70 for the guitar and sheet music of Gloria's for $3.50 cuz I felt he paid for more than enough. Just to be able to be with him was enough.

5/7/1990 Mon. 1:25 PM

Tomorrow afternoon at 4:00, cousins Boo and Max are gonna take me up to Brimfield, where Dad's helping his friends with the flea market they always used to do before we moved. I dread riding with them, though, only cuz I don't want them asking me personal questions. Not that Mom, with her big mouth, hasn’t told them plenty as it is.

I won't be back until 10 pm, so I'll have to remember to set my VCR. I also have to get more blank tapes.

I met this girl who's very nice and very open-minded about gays. Her name's Allison, and she's been a regular at the store for quite a while. She's been eager to work there, so she's been hired to fill in for people who are either sick or need the day off.

Andy and I may go to the beach this Wednesday, but with our luck, it'll rain or be cold.

5/10/1990 Thurs. 12:34 PM

I’m at the store now. Tuesday night, I had a fairly good time at the Brimfield flea market. The flea market itself was incredibly boring. It was all old, rotted antique stuff, and as you know, I prefer modern stuff. The Ethiers made a fantastic turkey dinner. That was probably only my second real meal in about a month. Max wouldn’t shut up, though, and he knows I hardly ever get time with my dad. If I didn’t love and respect my dad as I do, I’d have jacked him up the wall and said, “Would you shut the fuck up?! Give your jaw a break!” God, I thought I was bad. I couldn’t even get a word in edgewise. I’m sure it was all done deliberately, too.

Yesterday I went to Forest Park with this girl named Lori that I met at the Pub. She is so ugly, and then, later on, she and her lover, Rose, came over to my place. Rose is very attractive, except for her teeth. They both seem very nice, but they’re only 18 and 19. I told them that I have to be attracted to the person as well as for the person to be right for me, and also that, despite the fact that I do get lonely, I’m just not ready. It’s gonna take a while.

I don’t know if I wrote about the great lesson I had with Bill at Dunaeff. He was totally impressed by how much my voice had developed and matured. He said at first he was scared cuz usually when a student goes away for a while and then comes back, they lose it. He said, “You’re fine. You’ve got the technique. All you need to do is just come in and sing and keep up with it.” So I was on cloud 9, and I’m waiting for Jean to call me with a set schedule. She’s got a waiting list but is going to get me in sooner, which is great.

5/17/1990 Thurs. 2:26 AM

I can't fucking sleep! I'm exhausted too, so why not? I guess it all comes down to the same answer and that is I am a night person, no matter how damn tired I am at night. I can only sleep at night in the winter but only for a month or two. I'll go try again, but first I'm going to go listen to music, which I have not done today.

5/20/1990 Sun. 3:17 AM

Yesterday, Jessie and I went to the Holyoke Mall. We left at around 6:30, and I didn't get home until almost 10:30, but we had a great time. I bought this awesome dress. I mean, it's gorgeous. It's all black with spaghetti straps, and it's the perfect fit everywhere. It makes me look great in the chest and hugs my hips perfectly to bring out the curves.

I also bought a tube top and a white skirt, which I like very much, but even with white underwear, you can see through it plain as day, so I'm gonna bring it back. You can read the tag inside my underwear.

From now on, I am only doing fill-ins at work, like when someone's sick or tired or, like, if something happens to Allison, who's an epileptic. She’s a super nice girl. I've got to call her tomorrow, and also Jackie and Maritza, who are customers.

I really want to work 3rd shift or at home doing telemarketing or whatever. Andy and I were discussing applying at the IHOP (International House of Pancakes) for 3rd shift on weekends.

3:53 AM

Tomorrow, or today, I should say, Philip may stop by. I don't know for sure, cuz I haven't spoken to him, but I did speak to his girlfriend Maria, who seems really nice.

Also, Nervous may come over. I asked him if he'd get quarters for me to do laundry and told him I'd answer all his questions about music theory.

That girl Lisa called while I was asleep to make plans to meet next Sunday, and I also got a call from a guy who works at the headquarters of that 900-line to confirm a message I left. But because I left the message a few weeks ago, I knew it wasn’t mine, so I asked to hear it. Sure enough, some girl left a message saying I was looking for a serious relationship with a guy.

It was one of the women who called me in hopes of a threesome with her boyfriend. Guess this is what I get for rejecting their offer. They also thought I was nuts, cuz I kept playing them the edits when they’d call. Hey, it's their dime.

5/21/1990 Mon. 5:20 AM

Yesterday I slept and didn't get up until 10:15 at night, but I'm glad it turned out that way because I must, and I repeat, must be in therapy today at 10:00. She's gonna bitch me out big time because I never went last week.

Tammy and Bill's 4th anniversary is on the 25th, so I'm gonna get their card mailed out today, as well as cards for Lisa and Becky, who haven't been doing too well.

So, where's Nervous? He called yesterday and left a message. I'll probably be way too tired to give him music theory lessons tonight in exchange for him doing my laundry, but sometime today, I do have to stop into the store to get my pay.

Also, I've got to make a dentist and GYN appointment, which I've been procrastinating on for the longest time, and also vacuum, dust, clean my bathroom, stove, toaster oven and microwave. I'm just so sick and fucking tired of housework. I always used to keep up on housework during my first two years on my own, then I just got so sick of it.

Shit, do I feel a little tired now, but that's basically because it's raining out. It's always raining. We have had tons and tons of rain. No wonder everyone's been feeling lousy.

I wish the hell Nervous would hurry up and get a fucking phone so we can get him going and tape it.

Saturday night was hilarious. Andy, Tracy, Bobbie and I all got into a huge fight and after it blew over a few hours later, I edited Tracy, who thought it was so funny and well done. It's amazing how we can fight and say such cruel things to each other and then be such great friends again two hours later. It's just like Andy and me. The fight was about Andy wanting to cross someone with Tracy as a joke and so he dialed randomly. Just any old number out of the blue. And of all the numbers in the whole city, he managed to get someone who knew and was close to Bobbie. Bobbie was furiously mad. Then Tracy got all upset too, while Andy and I were laughing our asses off. Typical luck of Andy's, who did that a year ago too, calling up some guy that he came onto, who happened to be a good friend of his brother Eric's. The guy never told Eric, though.

If I'd done what Andy did and called a friend of someone in my family, they'd have told the whole world and probably published it in every newspaper and magazine and then I'd be crucified.

11:36 AM

I just got back from therapy a few minutes ago and I'm now microwaving my lunch, so I thought I'd jot down a few words while I'm waiting.

Before seeing Martha, I stopped at McDonald's for coffee and Tracy was there, so we chatted for about half an hour. She's hysterical, that one, but in a funny way.

5/26/1990 Sat. 6:19 AM

Last night, Andy and I went to the Pub, which wasn't all that crowded for a Friday night. No one was there, such as Tracy and Nancy or this other feminine girl I once saw and liked. Linda was, though, and there were quite a few other butch-type women in there, too.

After the Pub, we went over to the Frontier, which was absolutely deader than dead. Andy said, "What is this, a private party?" There were only maybe 15 people there. It was a total joke.

Eventually, we may go check out 616. That's up in the South Hadley area. The Springfield bars are a total waste of time, though. They're 90% queens and 10% butchies. Where are all the other fems?!

I told Nervous to call me as soon as he woke up. The earlier the better, so I can answer his questions and have him help me with my laundry. I want to get that done and get the hell out of the way. Also, I'm gonna start getting tired soon. I do want to stay up as late as I can, then try to sleep as late as I can, cuz tomorrow (supposedly) Lisa's coming at 1:00 from Fairfield, Connecticut.

I'm sure she'll be, if not ugly, then just there, meaning no real attraction—and more of a teenage girl than a woman. Isn't that all I get? But if she's a so-called decent, stable, and mature person, I won’t be hearing from her again after tomorrow if she shows up.

Does God really want me to go with guys? Is that what He’s been trying to tell me? All he'd send me, however, would be ugly assholes. It seems that no matter how great a person I may meet, male or female, He doesn't want me with anyone who really turns me on sexually. Maybe he wants me alone.