April 1994

4/1/1994 Fri. 6:40 PM

Tom just left a message. He's going to be an hour or an hour and a half late.

I made another big pot of spaghetti. It came out well.

I talked to Fran and Ricky last night.

I called the Civic Plaza and Naomi will be there at 2 PM on the 9th.

Also, I called and scheduled an appointment for next Tuesday at 3:15, as I may need antibiotics. Been a little congested.

Today I was finally able to get into the pool all the way up to my ass. It won't be long till it's pleasant enough. It's now 70º or so, so 5º more oughta make it nice enough. Actually, 10º more would make it quite comfy. It's going to be 84º - 87º from now till Wed., so that'll help it a lot.

I hope Bob gets my letter. I hope, also, to hear from him before the month is out.

That's all for now, so, later!

4/2/1994 Sat. 11:22 AM

Today's not likely to be a good day. The EC is broken, so Tom's gone out to the hardware store to get some parts. This is going to fuck up our budget.

4/3/1994 Sun. 1 AM

The EC has been fixed and today Tom's going to do some yard work. Later we'll be going in the Jacuzzi.

Evie had her baby yesterday and I must confess I'm a bit envious. I don't know why I am, but I am. They named her Nakita. What a gorgeous, unique name.

2:51 PM

This weekend has really been tough on both of us. Things have been breaking and we forgot a lot of stuff at the grocery store.

The lack of sex is getting to me again. People with busy lives manage to take breaks from their chores to play around for a half-hour or so, so why can’t we? Right now I wish I could tell him that I need the closeness as well as sex. It'd sure make me feel better, but I can't make him do something he doesn't want to do. He says it's not me and that I do attract him, but I guess I'm going to have to take care of myself most of the time. For almost a week now, he's been saying “maybe tomorrow,” and I feel teased. If he wanted it that bad, he could've come and gotten it. Is he really teasing me, or is his appetite really that low? And is it me or has he always been this way?

3:46 PM

God, am I bored! I can't think of anything I really want to do. I did do one fun thing today. Went in the spa.

This sexually deprived girl hasn't said a word. I don't want to get into an argument. I'm not going to give in either. I know he's not going to ask for sex today, but if he does, I'll give him a “maybe tomorrow” right back. Let him feel deprived for once.

7:52 PM

Well, sure enough, Tom and I did end up having a discussion, but a good one. I let him know it's not his fault that I'm hitting my sexual peak and he's over his, which might be the case here. I also let him know that I love him, no matter what and that if this was to be part of being with him, so be it.

I brought up my getting together with women here and there as a side dish for when he's too tired or too busy. One with no strings attached cuz it is he who I love and he only. No one and nothing can replace the relationship or the love we have. It's not that he doesn't please me in bed or that I miss women; I'm just not getting enough sex. Now I know how Brenda and Kacey felt, and they were at their peaks too. Tom said it's something to think about, but then there's reality. Do I really think it'll be that easy? No. Otherwise, I would not have had only a few 1-nighters in 3 years. Things haven't changed and they never will. 95% of gay women are butches and those few fems are going to want butches. The bi ones will want threesomes with their boyfriends or husbands. Plus, I couldn't expect a woman to come running at the snap of my fingers every time I got horny. We'll just have to wait and see, but no amount of sex can ever replace my love for Tom and the great person he is.

Yesterday I came up with a late, yet personalized present for my dad whose birthday's the 5th. I wanted something with a personal touch. Not something I bought. So, I made a calendar on the computer. It was a great learning experience for me too, and believe me, I learned a lot. I did from April to December, using different colors for each month. Tom already had a blank calendar on the computer and I filled in the correct dates for each month. Then, I inserted my drawings on the bottom. I have 11 drawings scanned in, so April and December got two, and May through November got one.

4/6/1994 Wed. 7:41 PM

Let me begin updating starting with the early morning hours of the 4th. At 4:00 my time, I called Tammy at 7:00 her time. They're now 3 hours ahead. I told her about the talk I had with Tom, telling him how I feel sexually deprived, and about my mentioning a woman. She gave me good advice. She said I let my feelings be known to him, so now back off and see what happens. Also, I should sleep with him only. I agree, cuz the issue isn't me missing women or him sucking in bed (though it does suck that he doesn’t cum); I just want more.

Well, yesterday we broke another record. He not only made it in there, but we both were so close to cumming.

Yesterday I got my license and I wasted my time studying for the test. I'm sure I could've passed it, but all I needed to do was show them my birth certificate and SS card. They took my picture, which I hope isn't too shitty since I'll have to have it for 12 years. It cost $25 and it's good till I'm 60. All I have to do every 12 years is get a new picture and an eye exam. When my last name becomes his, it'll only cost $4 for the change. They'll be mailing me my license within a week.

I also got 3" of hair trimmed by some girl who was probably a butch. It's quite shorter. Up to the small of my back, but I had to do it as it was so dead. It still looks like it's been run through a shredding machine all the way up to my shoulders. It'll come out of shock in 2-3 weeks. She also trimmed my bangs and I got more of that detangler.

The lettuce is really growing out back. Piggy loved it. It's so tender. The carrots, though, are taking longer.

Well, I don't think I'm forgetting anything. I'm taping my shows now.

9:42 PM

Sure enough, Law & Order was a repeat.

I just made a huge thing of spaghetti, which Tom really loves. Yup, I've gotten good at it.

I wonder if Bob got my letter? I sure hope so. But will I get a letter from him during this month? I'll have to see it to believe it.

Well, time to go listen to music now.

4/7/1994 Thurs. 3:47 PM

Yay!!! I finally got a nice long letter from Bob. I copied it in #57. He even got the one I sent to Walpole. The second one, he should've gotten directly after he mailed the one I got today. My third one will go out to him in tomorrow's mail.

I have a total of 146 letters so far, counting from Book of Letters 1-7.

I hope that today my dad got his calendar.

Someone's been calling and hanging up. If it's not someone Tom knows, I wonder if it's Nervous? He's the only one that I can think of that may do that. Even long-distance.

I also typed Kim a letter and enclosed Bob's letter.

4/8/1994 Fri. 5:42 PM

Bob called collect a couple of hours ago. He's pretty much just trying to hang in there and he does have an appeal going through.

As usual, SS is fucking with his checks. He's having his sister look into it, but for now he has no money to buy smokes or stamps. As soon as I get around to buying some, I'll send some his way. I wrote to Kim and asked if she too, would send some stamps.

He says he's locked down 22 hours a day. The other 2 are for showering, eating and making phone calls. He says there are no limits to how many letters he can get or send. He thinks there is a daily mail pickup, too.

The other inmates are unaware of what he's in for and he has to keep it that way so he doesn't have to be put away from everyone else. This I don't understand cuz most inmates are there for some kind of sex crime. Most guys are pro-rape, so why would they want to go after him?

His cellmate is in for robbery.

He was also crying about how he hasn't seen or heard from Kim. He says it's cuz of his love for her. I know that, but I said, nah, she's just busy and is afraid of running into that guy she testified against. This is true and we all know Kim's barely home long enough to eat, sleep and piss.

Anyway, I typed letters to Bob, Kim, and my parents. Later I'll do one for Fran.

Andy was over earlier. He brought me some postcards for magazine subscriptions and gave me 1 of 3 60-minute blank cassettes. He did have 2 stamps for 2 people he had me send wacky letters to but lost them. I dubbed 2 tapes for him, which is a pain, but he says his new box eats 120s.

I got two more of those hang-up calls. Andy says he's getting them, too. Mine come at different times in the afternoon. His always seem to come at 1:30 on Saturdays. Nervous could get this number if he wanted to, but I don't know.

Tom may be a little late tonight and I'm sure he'll be beat. I would be, too. This is why I told myself to enjoy the sex we had last Tuesday, cuz I ain't getting it for a while. Maybe this weekend, but we'll see.

He didn't get the job he was trying to get at AMEX, so now he'll have to apply for another job.

4/12/1994 Tues. 12:48 AM

Well, well. I guess I haven't been writing as much lately. That's cuz I have been pretty busy.

I didn't go see Naomi cuz you couldn't meet her after all. She was only there to give a speech. I also woke up wheezing real bad. If it were Gloria or Linda, I would've crawled there somehow.

Instead, Tom and I went to K Mart where I got 5 boxes (each containing 8) of markers for only $12. Good deal.

I also got Linda's new CD and I especially love the song called Heartbeats Accelerating. There's also a Spanish song on there.

I recorded 3 songs using Tom's microphone. I think some of it sounds good and some of it sucks.

I sent Bob 10 stamps, so that'll help him out and keep him busy for a while.

Tom and I also went to Red Lobster last Saturday and I loved it like I knew I would.

Sunday was the day I met Tom a year ago. Today was one of the worst days of my life 11 years ago. I jumped and broke my arm.

2 PM

Well, I have my own floppy disk now and I learned how to use it. Remember how I was starting to type up and print out all my journals? Then I tossed the idea out. Well, now that I can type 100 WPM without looking, it's much faster and easier. Plus, I'm not going to bother printing them out. The floppy disk can hold hundreds of journals. I'm almost through typing #1.

Tom gave me graph paper a while ago and I'm coloring in different designs and patterns to fill up his bare bedroom walls.

Tom and I did a survey thing again. Here are the questions with our answers (% probability).

Will the business work out?

J-100, T-50

Will we be married?

J-100, T-100

Divorced?

J-0, T-0

Will I be a singer?

J-30, T-75

Dancer?

J-15, T-25

Model?

J-15, T-50

Have a kid?

J-10, T-50

Abort it if I get pregnant?

J-5, T-20

Quit smoking?

J-0, T-95

Will Tom lose weight?

J-100, T-75

Will I?

J-5, T-80

4/13/1994 Wed. midnight

Went to see Dave and Evie's baby. It was a cutie for a newborn. Also, her name's not Nakita. It's Nickolena, but that's pretty, too.

Dave and Evie are very nice and their house is beautiful. Funny how some people can have a normal house with normal neighbors and a normal sex life to go with it.

I just finished typing up journal 1, which only took 3 days. It came to 20 pages, 55041 characters. I'm going to go begin typing 2 now, so I'll write about Cassandra later.

3 PM

OK - about Cassandra. She left me a message last Sunday saying she had been in California when I left a message.

When I told her all that's happened since being here, she sure was both shocked and very happy for me. She asked if I'd miss women, and said I had guts to do the dancing. Especially all-nude private dancing and modeling.

Now here's the funny coincidence. She's seeing someone now who's an exotic dancer. I knew she was either gay or bi. I sensed it all along from day one.

She's visited here before and she said she loved it. Also, this fall she'd like to vacation out here and see me. Cool! I would really like that. She's such a neat person.

It's going to be 91º tomorrow and the next day. Great. This oughta take the pool temperature up even higher. I believe tonight's low is 70º.

I started typing journal 2 and I also typed letters to Bob and my parents.

4/14/1994 Thurs. 12:21 AM

Yesterday was a much better day than the day before. I'm due for my period, so I'll have to deal with that, unfortunately.

Got a letter from Kim today and in tomorrow's mail, letters will be going out to her and Fran. Also, Tom brought home all different kinds of pretty and different canceled stamps. I'm sending them to Tammy to give to the girls.

I had a nice chat with Lisa today, mainly about her school, the weather, and music.

The pool temp is up to 74º and I got up to my tits today. It won't be long before I'm swimming away constantly.

We are not going to be able to go to Disneyland yet. It's just too damn expensive. We may go to Tucson instead.

Andy and I had a nice phone chat today. He asked me to read him every April 13th entry from ’88-‘93. If there was no entry for the 13th, I read the closest date. I read up on a few different and funny things. Like how he got the phone bill in the name of Kevin H right before I left Springfield for Deerfield, and the multi-page phone bill "Maria S" got in Deerfield. Then we’d laugh at me bitching all about the cold and the snow.

12:50 PM

I forgot to mention that I'm sending Kim 5 pictures I don't want of Bob's apartment. The one he had before the last one. I'm sending 3 to Bob. One of me, Kim, Phil, and Alex. The other 2 are of Kim and me. I'm sending 5 to Fran. They're of scenery and shit like that. They're extras. I had 2 of the same shots of the place on Nettle's Island that my parents just moved from.

6:13 PM

My license came. My hair looks better this time than on the MA license but my face looks huge.

The bad news is that I need one or two teeth pulled. I have an impacted baby tooth. A dentist told me when I was between 20 and 22 that it may cause trouble when I got older. I really didn't think so, but sure enough, last night at 3 AM I noticed a funny feeling. I can feel the tooth growing directly behind the one that's always been there. I guess two of the adult teeth grew at an angle, blocking a baby tooth from getting out and letting the adult tooth come down. I've seen X-rays of it up in the jaw.

I called Access, who told me to call Wilcox's office. The girl there gave me the number of a Dr. Sadar that I'm to see on the 26th. I hope it doesn't get worse before then, but I was told to call if it does. Tom got some Ambesol for toothaches and whatever if I need it. I haven't had to use it, but I took Ibuprofen for my cramps. Haven't started bleeding yet, though. So far it seems my cycle's every 29 days. Well, going to go lay down now.

4/15/1994 Fri. midnight

Tom's going to dust the ceiling fan in the living room and he wants me nowhere near it. Ain't that sweet? Most people forget or do not give a shit that dust makes me sneeze and wheeze.

My insurance will pay for any work on my teeth, but he said if they didn't, he'd slap it on his credit card. How nice.

I typed letters to my parents, Kim, and Fran. Tomorrow I'll do a letter to Bob and I hope he, or someone, writes soon. Hope I get mail tomorrow. I can feel it. I mean, I should. Bob oughta have gotten those stamps I sent. I hope none of the guards steal them.

3:40 AM

I just typed a quick letter to Bob.

I finished watching some shows I taped, as well as other stuff that was on. On weeknights at 1:30 AM, they have old reruns of Little House on the Prairie. I think I saw just about every single episode there ever was. Just like with Charlie's Angels, The Bionic Woman, and Twin Peaks. I miss those days when they'd make over 100 episodes of all series. Now it's only 10-15 and you see the same few shows over and over.

My tooth is wiggling a bit. Even though it's a very slight wiggle. I hope I can hold out till the 26th.

4/17/1994 Sun. 12:23 AM

Andy says he's sending me one of his wacky letters. I got no letters from Bob all week. Now what the hell's going on? He very well should have those stamps I sent, unless a guard stole them as I said before.

Yesterday the pool pump broke, but what else is new? Tom replaced it today for $240. Also, he got a video blaster for $250. I'll explain how that works another time.

I'm going to be getting a double bed and other stuff next Wed.

I'm on a serious diet for the first time since early 1988. It's no big deal, though, compared to having to lose 35 pounds as I did in 1985. I'm 104 and I want to get to 95, but I know I will. I can lose 2 pounds every 2-3 days. Doing it somewhat fast won't hurt since we're only talking about 9 pounds. I lost 2 already. I'm going to constantly be swimming, so that'll make a difference. Tomorrow we're going swimming.

Today was 100º! Neat, huh? It should be really hot tomorrow, too. That's it for now.

3:40 AM

I can't fucking believe this shit! Yesterday I slept only from 8 AM-noon. I've been exhausted all day and all night, yet I still can't sleep. Tomorrow we're going swimming, but how am I going to be able to when I know I'll have to sleep the day away? How can I go shopping next Wed.? How can I be at my appointment for my teeth? How can I ever be a mother if that ever is in the cards for me? How? How? How? I'm so pissed and frustrated that that'll only make it even harder for me to get to sleep. I feel like I'm going to be up till 6:00 and sleep till 3:00 or 4:00.

4/18/1994 Mon. 3 AM

Boy, did I do a lot all day and all night.

First, let me get the one and only bad news out of the way. For a few hours yesterday, I wanted to go next door and kill those animals. I guess they were running through their sprinkler, but nonetheless, they just wouldn't shut the fuck up. Don't their parents realize how close these houses are? I hope to hell Lenore wasn't kidding when she said she was going to Idaho for the summer and I hope she takes those fucking kids with her.

Andy says I'm 100% ready to be a mom, but 4 kids is like 400 kids! I can't deal with more than one kid at once. That means babysitting or listening to them. One's all I can handle.

Very early yesterday morning, Tom really calmed me down and had me feeling a whole lot better. I ended up sleeping from 8 AM - 2 PM.

Tom tried heating the pool, but it was still a bit chilly. We went in the spa, though, and talked about a Vegas wedding in June.

2:15 AM

Wow! I've gotten 42 journals since coming to Arizona and I've done 21 since I lived here with Tom.

I got 4 Norah pictures off the video blaster. That thing is so neat. Using her video, we paused some shots of her, then printed them out. Cool, huh? And that's not even the tip of the iceberg as far as what that thing can do.

This week, probably Wednesday, I'll be getting a double bed. Also, Tom planned on giving me a bookcase with 6 shelves to use in my room cuz he is going to be building more in the back room. I had a little bookcase with 3 shelves by my bed (they're both of wood). I had my CD player, CDs, and some knickknacks on 3 plastic shelves. Part of the ones my parents sent me when I first got here. I took those plastic shelves and put them in the back room. I put the CDs, CD player, and knickknacks on the little shelf (3). Then I went into the back room, took all his books off it, and walked the shelves in here, and put them on my bed. I put my journals on them, my alarm clock, pads, pens, markers, and little stuff like that. It wasn't easy, but I got it in here somehow. Now I've got space with the way I'm set up in here for a double bed.

5:45 AM

Tom will be getting up in 15 minutes. He's going to be in for a big surprise when he sees all the rearranging I've done. Also, I moved those shelves all by myself, but I have moved lots of furniture before on my own, so it’s no big deal.

A double bed sounds so good to me. If I decide I want to use one pillow instead of two, I can throw it on the other side of the bed. Now I throw it on the floor and often trip on it. Also, my comforter is a double size, so then it won't have its edges dangling on the floor.

I talked to Tammy real quick. Bill's been really sick with pneumonia.

I'm going to go make some coffee now. Then shortly after Tom gets up, I'm going to bed.

I think I've covered everything there is to say. I just hope I get a letter from Bob with the stamps I sent him. It sounds like Bob's got lots of letters for me. When I talked to him, he was waiting on getting stamps and he said then that he had 5-6 letters to go to me.

It's wishful thinking, but it'd sure be nice to also get a letter from Cassandra.

They've been quiet across the street for a while now, thank God. Yeah, that's why I was compensated by next door.

Oh. Another thing Tom says the video blaster can do is to make a picture of Gloria and me, or whoever, look like we're standing side by side. Cool. I know a few suckers who'll buy that. If I tell them we met, I mean.

6:40 AM

Tom's up now filling out the application for a loan on the house.

When he got up and came towards my room, I said, "How do you like how my room looks?" and he said, "Wow! You moved that all by yourself?"

He agrees it does look nice in here, but I really can't wait for a double bed, the more I think about it. I want a soft, comfortable one, and thankfully he has full-size sheets. My full-size fitted sheets are long gone. I ditched them when I got my waterbed back in 1989.

4/20/1994 Wed. 2:08 AM

I have some news that's really going to send shock waves through the pages of this book, especially if it could feel. Well, I had a feeling and I foresaw this day coming by 1996 tops and it has finally arrived. It just didn't arrive for the reasons I thought it would (by me building up a nest egg from singing). Well, I'm off SS and SSI! Got the news in the mail yesterday. My first reaction, which was normal, was to panic cuz this had been my safety net since 1986 and old habits die hard.

I said to Tom, who loves me rich, poor, or average, "I guess cuz we have each other, I don't need a safety net." Then he said, "But you're not exactly walking a tightrope anymore." That's true. I got a life. I'm just not an emotionally mixed-up little girl anymore who needs Mommy and Daddy and SS every day of her life.

I'm still covered medically by Medicaid and Tom said that if they stopped it tomorrow, he'd marry me tomorrow. How sweet he is and I trust him so much after knowing him for a year. He also brought up a good point. He said that I could get a part-time job or do whatever I wanted and not have to worry about taxes.

What a life promotion this feels like to me. I really thought for the longest time that unless I got rich, I'd be on it for the rest of my life.

Between today and yesterday, I got 6 letters from Bob! That's a lot of letters, huh? When I began to copy all of them, there were 99 pages left in the book. Now there are 55 left.

Now here's my bad news. Bill's in the hospital, according to Tammy, and it has just been found out that he has leukemia. This is just horrible! That sister of mine has also been through enough shit in her life and she doesn't need this. If worse comes to worst, how's she going to manage? She's never been alone even a day in her life, even though she's 36. How would she be able to keep the kids and support them, let alone herself? She's a smart person who can learn very well, but she has no job skills.

Tom's been such a love and such great support and he spoke to her, too. He said he'll see that I fly there if I'm needed and wanted. He couldn't go cuz he'd have to work and even though they hit it off over the phone, he's still a stranger. I feel so helpless. She was there for me like never before when I needed her the most, when I went through the shit I did with the NHA. I want to return the favor in any way I can, be it by being emotionally supportive over the phone or in person, or looking out for the kids. If I do go there, well, it sure won't be in the way I ever expected. I expected all of them to come here first, so this is a hell of a way to visit, under miserable circumstances, rather than a happy family reunion.

3 AM

I just put Piggyback in his cage after playing with him for a bit.

At 9:00 this morning we may go get that double bed, but that will depend on Tammy first. I'll call there at 8:00 her time (in 2 hrs) and see if there are any new developments. No one knows yet what type of leukemia it is or what the outcome will be. She's talked to Mom and Dad, and as Tom said, we're sure they will do whatever it is that they can.

I spoke with Andy for over an hour after I awoke and that was good for me. We talked about that and I read parts of journal 12. Some of our worst times, like when he lived with me on Woodside Terrace. I wrote some pretty awful stuff about him, but as he said, we now laugh at it all. It's all in the past and he admits that what I said about him then was the truth.

Andy's been feeling really doomed lately. Well, Tom believes the world is going to continue for eons. I don't know what to think, but Andy feels it's the beginning of the end. He believes in the Bible as well as certain prophecies and believes that the end will be from 1998-2001. Me? I still believe the Bible's full of hogwash that anyone can write, but everyone's entitled to their own opinion. What I or someone else assumes, believes, or thinks and feels may or may not be the truth and what will happen for sure.

3:20 AM

In an hour and a half, I will be calling Tammy. I hope for their sake that all is OK. I just sent her a letter since it's been so hard for her to find time to get into Prodigy.

Yesterday I sent letters to Bob, Tammy, and my parents, and 2 to Kim. Also sent for another 100 stamped envelopes. Today's letters will go out to Bob, Kim, Fran, and my parents.

5:22 AM

From the looks of it, I have a feeling I'm going to Connecticut. I called the house and Bill's mother answered. I had a hell of a time understanding her with her accent. She's from Israel. I spoke with Lisa too, and told her I'd come in if need be. She then goes, "Awesome!" I reminded her not to jump the gun, though, as it's too soon to know what's going on.

I called the hospital and he's in the William B. Backus Hospital. The same one I was in before I went to Natchaug. His mother gave me the wrong room number (deliberately?) but I was finally connected to the right one. Tammy answered and said she'd call me back cuz the doctor was there.

I called ma and told her I'm prepared to go if I have to. I really have a feeling I'll be going.

5:45 AM

The suspense and the waiting are killing me. I wish she'd hurry up and call back. If I do go, though, it's not going to be very pleasant for me, aside from what's going on with Bill. Walking into that hospital and just being there in the Norwich/Salem area isn't going to bring back a flood of pleasant memories. How long I would be there if I were to go, beats me.

Earlier I killed 3 spiders in here and now I have a touch of the willies. It's time to bomb in here and get Operation Spider Storm well underway.

Gosh! I really don't want to go to CT. Not like this. Not under these circumstances. God, please let Bill be OK if you can hear me.

8:15 AM

Tammy finally called and she doesn't really need me there. There's nothing I can really do and I'm not an early morning person, as she herself pointed out.

Tom and I called CompuServe a little while ago and looked up leukemia. There are several different kinds, but they all sound pretty nasty.

Soon Tom and I are going to pick up my prescription and possibly get me a double bed. More than likely we will, seeing that I'm not going to CT.

I polished my nails Wineberry.

4/21/1994 Thurs. 3 PM

I had quite a busy day yesterday and today. First of all, this is the best pen I've ever had. It's a rolling ball marker, not a felt tip. It glides so easily, giving me fine lines with no inkblots.

Shortly after I last wrote yesterday, we went and I picked out my waterbed. It's got black padding all around it. There are no shelves or drawers, but that's OK cuz in time I intend to add on the matching bureau. At the head of the bed, where the shelves usually are, there's black padding that slants upward so I can sit up and read or write. It's a king-size and costs $305.

The matching bureau has black padded drawers and the top surface of it is all mirrored. Then there's a mirror extending upward with black padding around its sides. It's really a sharp set and it's totally me.

His brother David came over with his truck, got Tom and then went and picked it up. Tom's got some of it assembled, but he had to stop to do some plumbing at his sister Mary's house. I'm going to sleep in his bed cuz it won't be done until tomorrow.

I'll write more about it later, but before I sign off, I went swimming today and yesterday, and it was great!

4/22/1994 Fri. 12:15 AM

I fell asleep yesterday at 4 PM and got up at 9 PM; therefore, I'm still tired.

Fran left a message and he's losing his phone again from the sound of it. Yeah, I believe that. He does that here and there.

The waterbed is almost all set up. All we have to do is fill it and set the headboard on. Tom went to bed about an hour ago and we're going to fill it when it gets light out. This way we don't get bugs.

We got the bombs yesterday when we went food shopping, so soon it’s bye-bye spiders.

God, my stomach is major gassed out. That's what happens when I don't get enough sleep.

I'm going to listen to music now, then I'll write more.

1:27 AM

Well, it doesn't look as if I'll be falling back asleep anytime soon, so I oughta write a little.

Bad news for the pool - it was 100º yesterday, today's to be 98º, Saturday 83º, and on Sunday only 78º. This is going to cause a setback. Monday they say we're in for T-storms.

Today we need to go out to get a mattress pad. Tom thought he had one from when he had his waterbed, but he thought wrong.

Yesterday I got another supply of 100 stamped envelopes and I pre-addressed some. For now, I think I shall go type some letters.

4/23/1994 Sat. 1 PM

Shortly after I last wrote, I fell asleep and got up at 7 AM yesterday.

We completed the waterbed a couple of hours later. It's sooo nice and sooo comfy.

Yesterday was a very lucky day for me. We went to one bookstore where I wasn't too impressed. Then, the second one was like oh my God!!! I got 8 journals for $25. Normally, 8 of them cost $60. What luck, huh? They were all $2.98 and #66 and #67 are dreams come true with a real piano. (not a drawing) Most covers are drawings and designs. If I remember right, the 3 cat books and 2 dog books are my first with pictures of real live animals. I was going to get a real live horse cover, but I forgot. Other things on the covers of #66 - #73 are sheet music, guitars, drums, ballet slippers, and flowers.

Then, after I came home, the mailman came and there were 6 letters! And 2 of them were from Kim. The others were from none other than Bob. That's 12 letters from Monday-Friday! The most I ever got in under a week. Same with the journals. The most I ever got at once is 3. No. Once I got 5.

Copying these 12 letters has taken up 70 pages. If I'd copied Bob's letter to Kim and all Bob's poems, it'd have been 100-110. There are 30 pages left in Book of Letters #7, then Book of Letters #8 will be journal #72.

2 PM

Just sitting here waiting to see if the mailman delivers another slew of Bob letters.

I forgot to mention that yesterday we got a mattress pad. It's much softer and more comfortable than what I had on the one I had back east. We also got a nice set of sheets.

Wait till I tell Andy about the bed, journals, and letters. The only one I haven't told is Tammy cuz now's certainly not the time.

I typed some letters, but I need to type more. I've got time since there's no mail till Monday. I haven't typed #2 (the current one I'm typing) onto my floppy disk, so I may go do that.

6:20 PM

No mail today, but I typed more letters and some of #2.

Tom went to the racetrack today but didn't win. He's now reading more on how to print out pictures from videos. I can't wait till I learn how to do this cuz when I do, I'll be having a field day with different videos.

This will sound crazy, but it works. I got the idea from a health book. Guess what I had smothered all over my hair? Mayonnaise. Yup, it's a cheap and great way to condition the hair. Also the nails, nail cuticles and skin.

4/24/1994 Sun. 9:33 AM

I wish I could know where each entry date was to be on each page of all the journals I have. If I could know this, I'd stick in all the address labels. Like I said before, when I send away for Tammy and Bill's address labels, I'll then send for my own in the name of S. I'll use the S labels for the covers of each journal (when I'm officially married) and for all my mail and letters, except Fran's. After we're married, there'll be tons of labels left with my maiden name, so those I'll use for entry date separators.

Tom just came into the room and I believe it's now playtime!

11:53 AM

We played around for a while and now he's sorting through boxes in the back room. Sex is better on a waterbed. It makes it easier to get in certain positions.

This is the last day of his vacation, but it's been a good one. He's been so happy and there's been much more lovemaking.

A little while ago I stuck some address labels on different envelopes. I have 13 each for Kim, Bob and my parents. I used up all the cloud/rainbows and air balloons for my parents and I have 17 music labels left. Fran will get all the gold-trimmed ones, like the one in the front cover of this book. So it looks like I'll use day separators in this order: music, silver prisms, Rose pond/seashells/river, and rainbow last.

4/25/1994 Mon. 5:52 PM

Yesterday and today have been very busy days. Yesterday was the biggest breakthrough ever in organizing the back room. It looks better than ever in there. We put the twin bed at the end of the room, and it looks good.

I also talked to Fran and Tammy. Tammy still doesn't know too much.

I typed some letters and learned another great thing on the computer that I wish I'd known all along. There's this dictionary that highlights and corrects misspelled words.

Today I really had my work cut out for me. I began at 7:30 AM right after Tom left and didn't finish till nearly noon. I washed rugs, sheets, towels, etc. Did the dishes, dusted, vacuumed, washed the table, counters and stove, cleaned the bathroom and changed the pig's cage. Now I really need to repolish my nails and shave, but I'm too lazy now.

Got 3 letters from Bob today with beautiful drawings on both his envelopes and letters. Beautiful flowers and one with 2 turtles that were awesome. Great idea for me to try. I've learned a lot from him.

Book of letters #7 is finished. On the last few pages, I glued in poems. Like 5 of them, as well as 3 parts of his envelopes. I printed a copy of his poems for him, too, cuz I know he likes to see them typed up. BOL #8 will be in #72. It'll go quite fast if his letters keep pouring in as they have.

He says they're soon to be transferring him to Gardner, MA. Great. I just pre-addressed about 12 envelopes to him. Guess he can get out in the year 2000. Only 6 years away, but to him, it must feel like 6000.

4/26/1994 Tues. 8:30 AM

I am in the car now on my way to the dentist. I'm not looking forward to this, but hopefully, I won't be in for too big of an ordeal.

I can blame Tom for my sloppy writing and I just did. I jokingly said we must be hitting air pockets (like in a plane). We still have a long drive ahead. Bell Road is way the hell out there. We're driving by one of my favorite mountains now.

1:45 PM

I am home now (since 11 AM) and Tom ran out to pick up my meds. He oughta be back any minute.

When he returns, we're going to fool around, then later I'll write about the dentist, Fran and whatever.

4/27/1994 Wed. 11:37 AM

The dentist told me yesterday not to do anything about my teeth unless it hurts. That wasn't too big of a deal, thank God. He said it could bother me soon or years from now. Hopefully, it will stay right where it is, but I have a feeling that's wishful thinking.

Up ahead, a few pages, Tom wrote a quick note. I love how he used the word "well" twice when he meant to use the word "will." He says that's a common mistake of his. He says the word "will" like "well." He says all his short i's as short e's. That's probably where that mistake comes from.

Damn, it's chilly out! This is weird for this time of year. It'll be in the low 70s until Sunday.

Just put letters out to Bob, Kim, Fran and my parents, who will never call or write.

Tammy says they still have no diagnosis on Bill.

Well, that's pretty much up to date. Been typing journal #2 up a lot and I hope to finish it today. Got 1 Bob letter yesterday which began BOL #8. That's in #72 as I said before. Going to go type #2 now.

Oh! One more thing. I do believe Andy will be receiving "Sabrina's" letter. You know, from Fran. He says he's sending me one too, but I'll have to see that to believe that.

How many Bob letters will I get today?

4/28/1994 Thurs. 1:16 PM

I was so pissed yesterday. I hate it when politics fuck up my life. There was no mail yesterday cuz Nixon died and was buried yesterday. Who cares about this impeached president who never did anything for us? Plus, this criminal had a funeral fit for a king. I just hope there's mail today.

Andy's friend Sarah may play Sabrina. He's going to talk to her about it and if she agrees to it, I'll give Fran her number.

10:19 PM

For the first time in a while, I'm bummed, worried and anxious. My weight's going up and I just can't stop eating. I'm hungry all the time. I tried to restrain myself and talk myself out of it, but before writing, I ate a whole lasagna TV dinner and a big marshmallow/rice bar. I just can't stop eating. I weigh 104 pounds, and I doubt this scale's even right. I'd say I'm more like 107-110. Being barely 5' it doesn't take much to see and feel it. I feel like a blimp. My waist is a sickening 27. I want it back to a 24. I want to lose 3" all around and weigh 95. Oh God, please give me the strength to not eat for at least two days. Please?

On the lighter side and better side of things, I got a letter from Kim today and a very nice one from my mom, too. Finally!

No concerts across the street and it looks as if they may go away this weekend next door.

I'm almost done typing up journal #2.

Andy called me with Sarah on the line. Then, I called Fran and she played Sabrina.

I talked to Tammy who still doesn't know much about Bill. She says to call her tomorrow night. Then, she hopes to know the whole story.

4/29/1994 Fri. 5:16 PM

I just called Tammy. Things are definitely at their shittiest. Next week they're removing and biopsying Bill's spleen.

Tom came home early with a cold. Ten minutes before he did, I had a feeling about that. He's lying down now. I hope I don't catch it, although I never caught his last cold. I've been very lucky for over a year now.

I finished typing journal #2 and began #3.

Tom brought home more stamps from work (canceled). I've split them up between Kim and my parents.

Got 3 letters today from Bob. He asked if I remembered the date we met, and that he could. It took a while, but I found out we met on 8/25/91 in journal #5.

I also thought of a clever idea for numbering my journals last night. My perma-marker. You know that if I wrote with this pen, especially on those that aren't cloth, it'd smear off. This pen's permanent and won't smudge off. For some journals I kept their sticker numbers on cuz the color of their binders was too dark and the pen wouldn't show up.

Tomorrow night there's to be a movie with those figure skaters, Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan. It oughta be pretty entertaining. They did a damn good job with getting Tonya and Nancy look-a-likes. It seems so many skaters, dancers and gymnasts look the same. Except for topless dancers in the clubs I danced in. They all come in a wide variety of looks and sizes.

Tom showed me something neat the computer can do with journals 1 and 2. It shows how many characters, pages, words and minutes I spent typing each one. I think #2 was 103 thousand and something characters. 19,500 words and I believe the minutes were- oh, I forgot, but they were in the 5 digits. It may be around 50 hours or so that I worked on it. Eventually, I'll have a summary information (that's what it's called) list of them, here in this book. Or somewhere.

Now I want to go finish my coffee and have a smoke.

5:36 PM

Maybe praying to God as Andy does will work here and there. What tremendous willpower I've had with eating today. Only a few bites of spaghetti, a little bit of lettuce with ranch dressing and 2 pieces of bread. Gone down 2 pounds, but I must be consistent for a while to get my body to do its thing on its own, as it has been since early 1988. I know it's mostly water, but I can once again speed up my metabolism so I can gorge on whatever I want. As I said before, the use of the pool on a daily basis will help.

These last 2 months I haven't had to wear a liner for extra discharges mid-cycle. Lucky me, but my tits have been way sorer throughout these last 2 months. I don't know why. My caffeine intake hasn't changed. Maybe it's cuz my last 2 periods were sort of light and half-assed. It'd help if my next one was heavier, but that'd call for extra cramps.

9:37 PM

Gosh, it feels later. It feels like it's near midnight. Well, I got up at 7:30 so I'm starting to tire down.

Next Monday I'll send out letters as well as Mom's Mother's Day card and Tammy, Bill's and my address labels.

I was doing great with eating very little, but I slipped. Let's see... I had popcorn, a carrot, spaghetti and 2 pieces of cheese. God forbid I may be forgetting anything else. I'm soooo fucking bloated. I don't dare step on that scale right now.

I will go shut the computer off now and at least lie down a while. If I fall asleep, OK. If not, that's OK too.

4/30/1994 Sat. 9:12 AM

Got up at 7:30 and now I'm going to go change all the calendars.

Tom's still sick, but he's in the shower now. After that, he'll be going to his sister Mary's to fix a light on her car.

Tom's youngest brother Steven is getting married in Fresno, so Mary and his parents are going to drive out.

4:34 PM

What a bummer that the pool's too cold. I could really go for a swim now, and they're definitely gone next door. It's been a very peaceful, quiet day.

I just harvested a bunch of lettuce, which I gotta go put in a baggy now.

I talked to Tammy. They're operating on Bill tomorrow morning. I sent Tammy a letter and Bill a get-well note with a few flower drawings.

Tom's still fixing Mary's car.

Oh! Also, I called Nervous with the hopes that if Crystal were still there I'd get her on the phone and tape her. I was lucky cuz she is still there and man did she go off on me! It was so funny and she reminds me of Tracy K. If she's the clingy, desperate type she sounds to be, she could hold Nervous hostage and beat the shit out of him. She sounds so mean. He sounded absolutely depressed and terrified. I think she's got to be an alkie or a druggie or both, besides nuts. I hate to say this, but they deserve each other. I can picture her threatening and scaring him into submission and beating the hell out of him. I think the only reason they're still together is cuz she's got him in the palm of his hand and he's terrified of her. Anyway, I'll have a few great edits. I left the 30 seconds or so of her screaming at me on Andy's machine. He'll love it.

4:52 PM

I just squished the lettuce in a big baggy. There sure is a lot out there. The carrots are doing well, but it'll be another 3 weeks or so before they're ready to be pulled up.

Now, thanks to Crystal, I am finally motivated to do some editing after quite a while.

5:26 PM

Tom's home now. I haven't edited Crystal yet, but I'm all set to go. First I had to put her on my current convo tape, and ditch a very old dead tape. One that I can't record onto cuz what's previously on it doesn't get erased over. Well, guess I will go edit her now.

5:39 PM

I just edited Crystal. Yup, pretty funny.

Tom's on the phone now talking to his brother. He says he feels better, but I have a feeling sex is out for this weekend. I also have a feeling that the sex will be a continuous cycle where I cry out for needing more, he gives in for a while, then backs off. We'll see. I'm not going to keep "reminding" him, though.

7 PM

I just began taping the Tonya and Nancy story.

Tom's eating now and will probably be going to bed.

I'm 12 days away from my period, so I'm getting hornier and more bloated. I wish every day was like right after my period. It seems I only have about 3-5 days where I'm not so watery and gassed out. Tomorrow we're going to the grocery store and I'm getting water pills. And if you can't take it with asthma or Theodur - tough!

I'm in luck after all as far as sex goes. Tom says he'll definitely be non-contagious tomorrow and that I won't be horny this month cuz he's going to wear me out. Cool!

Guess I will go watch the movie while it's on. I just like to zip through the commercials, but I don't feel like doing anything else right now.

A Note from Tom - 4/26/1994

Jodi,

So, you want me to write in this journal. You know, this well be over very soon and we'll be heading home. Until then I well try to think of more things to write. This is a strange place for a dentist. I guess they expect you to go shopping then rent a few movies and have your teeth cleaned.

March 1994

3/1/1994 Tues. 4:21 AM

Tom's address labels did come yesterday and he really likes them.

I got up at 8 PM and he'd been home for an hour. He made us Hamburger Helper. Then he watched Star Trek and I took a bath. Then he licked my pussy and we did laundry. At 11 PM he went to bed.

I idiotically taped the wrong fucking channel. I went to record a movie on channel 12 but got fucking Murphy Brown and some other bullshit on channel 10 instead.

I took some graph paper Tom gave me and made two envelopes. One to Kim and one to Fran. I colored in the squares. I typed Kim a letter and tomorrow I'll probably get a letter from her.

I updated my checkbook. This month I'll be getting $446 with SSI and SS combined. I got Tom's $300 check ready. Also, I wrote a check for $10.79 for my monthly sewing machine payment, $34 for 100 stamped envelopes and $22.80 for 3 new styles of labels. They're very hard to describe, so when I do get them, I'll stick them in here. Or the next book, more likely. Cuz they won't arrive till the middle of this month and by then I very well oughta be in journal #60!

Now I need some coffee.

7:30 AM

I just spent the last hour or so making up 5 more envelopes with really cool patterns. I did one for my parents, Tammy, Lisa, Becky and Sarah.

10:05 AM

My stomach's driving me absolutely nuts now.

Anyway, Tom got up at 8:00 and then he did the bills. He wrote out the checks and I stuck them in their envelopes, stuck the stamps on and his address labels.

He made us some bacon and he had French toast.

Well, I've figured out in my mind the 4 different fonts I'll use for Tammy and the girls. I'll use Bodacious for Tammy, harquil for Lisa, postscript for Becky, and rounders for Sarah.

3/2/1994 Wed. 6:41 AM

Tom's in the shower now and soon he'll be gone for work.

Yesterday was a beautiful day and I laid out and got some color.

When I got up at 10:00 last night, I watched the Grammy awards I taped. Gloria won for her album Mi Tierra and she looked good. Her hair's growing back, but when I saw her on Larry King she looked great. I loved how she had her hair straighter and it made her look younger, too.

When I woke up, my stomach was fine, thankfully. It sure is weird, though, how I get that for a few days every now and then.

I typed up 5 letters, too. To my parents, Tammy and the girls.

Almost an hour ago, Tom and I went to Circle K. We got something to eat and drink and I got cigarettes.

Speaking of cigarettes, well, it's hard to keep a positive outlook when you've tried several methods of quitting and they all failed. However, I'm going to call the American Cancer Society and see what they say.

I'm also going to call my doctor's office to see if there's any way I can get a hysterectomy. I want to at least get information. I know it's not elective surgery, as Tom said, but I've seen several news documents on women who had it done when they never needed it. Doctors will do anything to make a buck. I know this firsthand. I know some women have claimed to have horrible side effects, and Tom's sister does too, but every woman's different. I just don't think it's fair for me to have periods when I'll never have a kid, even if I weren't sterile.

It's going to be another gorgeous day, so I can't wait to go out.

9:43 AM

I have excellent news. First of all, it looks like I can probably get a hysterectomy done and paid for. I called my doctor's office and they said I could either go there or to my GYN (guess that would be Dr. Kolnick) for a consultation. I guess the state would cover it cuz it's considered sterilization. I'll talk to Tom and perhaps we can check it out. Maybe after April, cuz this is when he thinks we can go to Disneyland.

Now here's the best news of the day. I called the American Cancer Society and every other month they have 4 quit-smoking classes free of charge! They begin at 6:30 and run for 1-1½ hours. The next 4 classes are on the 8th, 10th, 15th and 17th and I'm really looking forward to giving it a shot. I'll let you know (naturally).

Hey, it's noon Eastern Time now, so I want to go try calling that girl Minnie. Hope she and everyone else is thrilled at the fact that they're in for yet another killer snowstorm! Hee hee!

1 PM

It sure is beautiful out and I did lay out some, but it's just so boring. Especially with not being able to swim. The only thing I miss about apartments is that their pools and Jacuzzis are heated year-round. I did get a little more color, so I won't bitch about that.

I tried calling Minnie, but there was no answer. I'll go try again.

1:37 PM

Just got another letter from Kim. There was no article in it and this letter also sounds as if she had yet to find out about Bob.

I finally got in touch with Minnie, but she didn't tell me anything I don't already know. She couldn't give me his address.

3:46 PM

I just watched this talk show all about teenage girls in gangs. How sad, sick and disgusting.

I set the VCR to record A Current Affair, Unsolved Mysteries, Law & Order and Now. I really paid close attention as I was programming it, so if it doesn't come out, I won't be to blame.

Andy's off tomorrow, so we'll probably gab on the phone with one another at some point.

I'm pretty bushed now, so I'm going to hit the sack.

3/3/1994 Thurs. 3:10 AM

I got up at 1 AM and Andy left a message saying he wants his messages taped. He got the same message I got. US West says that this Sunday from midnight - 9 AM, the VM will be shut down so we can't get our messages and no one can leave us messages, either. I wonder what the hell they are doing this time? They better not fuck up the system, though, or bump off the stutter dial tone that tells us we have messages.

Now, I'm going to go and continue watching my shows. I'm so fucking hungry too, but there's hardly any food.

8:51 AM

Well, I managed to scrounge up a hamburger and I had a bowl of cereal. Later I'll make pork chops.

I taped Andy's messages, called in my refills and scheduled an appointment for a consultation on a hysterectomy.

Boy, do I feel mixed emotions. When I hung up, I felt a sense of depression and fear, but I know I'm doing the right thing. The thought of being held up in the hospital is scary, though, and I don't want to burden Tom. I hope those scary stories of depression aren't true, but everyone's different. It won't hurt to at least get information. I think it'll be a worthy investment for the years to come. I can't keep dealing with PMS and periods. Well, I could, but I sure don't want to. Also, I can be able to go from 100% sure I can't and won't have kids to 200% sure. I hope it'll curb my sexual appetite, too.

9:35 AM

I almost chickened out several times and called to cancel my appointment, so I'm just trying not to think about it for now.

I am absolutely looking forward to checking out those quit smoking sessions next week. I can't wait.

I'm also looking forward to hanging in the sun out back in about an hour. It's boring, though.

Tom warned me that I should stop blasting my music, but that's the only way I really enjoy it and can get into it. Turning it down seems as impossible as my growing another foot taller. He says my hearing sucks. Nah, I don’t think so. It's just so-so, but yes, it does suck when there's background noise, like in a restaurant.

Oh! I've been meaning to write this in but I keep forgetting. God answered another prayer for me. For a couple of months now, the dog across the street has been gone. Yeah! I love it! It's so much quieter and more peaceful when I'm in the living room with no TV or music on and especially when I've got the door open. The dog next door is so much quieter, the kids aren't out very often, gone is the dog across the street and gone is the heavy metal band! Thank you, God! You did hear my prayers, after all. Now, please help me quit smoking for good.

10 AM

Well, I'm out back by the side of the pool now and yes, it's going to be a warm one. It already feels warm and it's still early. Where's the cloudiness they predicted, though? I like it when it's cloudy so the sun doesn't kill my eyes.

Noon

Well, I did get some color and this is the warmest day so far this year that I remember. If I stayed out much longer, I'd definitely fry. Tom's right. I have to do it little by little.

Damn! I just noticed my $300 check here that Tom forgot. He was to cash it at lunch.

So, anyway, I have the door open and the fans on to circulate the air. It's sooooooooo beautiful. And Tammy's freezing with 3' of snow. Ha, ha, ha!!

What other little tidbits of news can I tell? Let's see... I showered and did my hair. I need more shampoo. My legs are a little hairy, but I don't feel like solving that problem now.

I watched parts of some talk shows and Charlie's Angels.

The sink's clogged up once again.

I hope the mailman isn't too long in coming and that I get a letter from Kim with more information. Getting one from Bob is just wishful thinking and dreaming, I suppose.

Just took an Ibuprofen for a slight headache. Luckily, that stuff is cheap and doesn't cause any side effects to have to deal with.

I worked out a little and I should do more.

I'm 10 days away from my next period, so now is when I'm going to start to bloat out.

I haven't done any wall art lately, but I will sooner or later. All the things I do have their phases. I have to think of new ideas and add more variety to the flowers. Being just your average artist, though, that's not always such an easy thing.

3/4/1994 Fri. 2:30 AM

Got a letter from Alex yesterday. He's back in Deadfield at the same address. Then, why'd he move to Illinois? Must've taken a long vacation there. Maybe today I'll get another letter from Kim. Maybe this time it'll have more information. Like an address and that article. Alex typed the letter he sent this time around, which was great. I had asked him to type if he could and if he had a typewriter cuz his handwriting is incredibly sloppy. Most deaf people type well cuz they've plenty of practice due to using the TTY system so much.

4:22 AM

Again, I really hate that when I'm very much in the mood to write but have nothing to say. I need a fun everyday project to keep me busy. I'm getting bored with just the stuff I already do. I'm just not in the mood to type letters right now. Besides, I'm going to wait till my new order of envelopes arrives. They'll get here in a day or two. I'm not in the mood to veg in front of the TV now. Plus, nothing's on. I don't feel like editing, but I am hungry. I'll go zap another piece of pizza.

Later I'll work out and hang out outside as it'll be 83º.

11:30 AM

Today's just as gorgeous as I said it'd be. I got even more color. The only thing not too peaceful was the dog next door. At least it didn't keep going and going, though. The kids next door are out front. Why do they always go to the front? I've only heard them out back once or twice. This is good for when I'm out back, but when I'm in the house, I'm at the front of the house most of the time.

I just checked, and they're gone now, thankfully. I think they got company. Some blue truck is now parked in front. This weekend, I'm sure I'll have to listen to them play ball. The guy (Dean) just left in their red van. I just thank God the dog doesn't go on and on like when they first got here. That our place isn't attached to theirs. That the music people across the street have shut up and that the dog across the street is gone. I pray to God constantly not to let my luck run out. This is my time now for peace and quiet after so many years of being so affected by other people’s noise. I live in a house now. It's my right just as well as anyone else's right.

I just checked again. Those kids apparently were only out a second.

The scars from the NHA, Vista Ventana and Crystal Creek will be with me for years to come, if not always. At least it's getting better. The longer I see this place fairly quiet most of the time, the more my tensions and memories will fade.

No one's ever going to wake me up again. And if they do, I'll be sure to give them a wake-up call in the middle of the night. I can promise this for sure.

I hope the mailman brings me a letter from Kim today. That is, since my parents won't write until next year, Fran and Bob never will, and Alex will write again in May or June.

Boy, do I ever need something to eat now. I think I'll heat up the last piece of pizza. Tom got a few things from the store early this morning before work.

We've got huge plans for tomorrow, but I'll get into that later.

3:22 PM

I'm going to do a little bit of writing, so as to keep myself awake a little longer.

About an hour ago, damn, did I have a big scare! I was watching TV when all of a sudden – boom! I asked myself…was that a gun? A firecracker? It even popped the mailbox open. I called 911, then eventually I looked out front. I saw nothing and the dispatcher said a transformer could’ve blown.

After we hung up, people outside were talking about it and two guys driving by in a car asked me if I knew anything. Then a female cop (definite butch) came to the door. She was a better-looking version of Linda the cab driver back in Springfield. She wasn't the ugliest, but no one I'd ever sleep with. She was nice, though. She at first asked if I knew any drug dealers around cuz maybe a drug lab blew up, but it turns out that someone blew up the dumpster in the alley behind the houses across the street. Boy, if we lived over there, or they blew up ours in our alley while I was out back there, I'd most certainly be deaf.

No mail for today.

Tomorrow we're going to start working on the kitchen, but I'll put off writing about that one till tomorrow.

3/5/1994 Sat. 11 PM

For the third night in a row, I got up at 1:00. The next couple of days I'd better sleep later. Tuesday I have a very long and very busy day. Tom will probably be up by 8:00 and then we'll begin working on the kitchen. It'll be a major task, but hopefully fun.

Well, I must first go and get myself a bite to eat as I am hungry.

4:30 AM

I definitely have to cut down on being in the sun for a while. Yesterday I noticed small traces of the beginnings of sun poisoning on my stomach. How am I ever going to get a serious tan without getting sun poisoning? If I were to spend another day or two outside, I'd definitely have it over my whole body, and it itches like hell.

Since I ran out of my shampoo, I've been using Tom's Head & Shoulders, and yuck! It reeks like shit. When he lies with me in bed, he leaves that stench behind on my pillow. Masculinity stinks, as much as I love this guy. He's the only guy I've ever met, though, that doesn't have BO. Thank God for that much.

I'll have to ask him if he heard the heavy metallers playing last night since I was asleep. I've got the radio all set to go today, as I'm sure they'll be out front playing ball all fucking day today.

Today, we're going to take down that old-fashioned, ugly, disgusting wall paneling. Tom's going to fix part of the ceiling, too, and soon enough we'll repaint the kitchen. The counter, sink and cabinets will be redone one of these days, too.

6:16 AM

Man, am I bored now. I wish I were just waking up. There's nothing I can really do till Tom gets up. I also have to really push myself to stay up as long as I can. The birds just woke up. I hear them chirping away now.

Andy left a message laughing over the same thing I was laughing about on his machine. It's sooo gorgeous here, while they have 3' of snow back east!

Well, I'm off to go brush my teeth now and put on a little makeup.

Wonderful. Here goes that beast next door.

10:37 AM

It must've been someone else's dog I heard, cuz after I last wrote, I didn't hear anything.

Tom got up around 7:00 and we went grocery shopping. There, I got 3 pens. Pink, purple and blue.

After we got home, we started pulling off the paneling. While he went to get my meds, I yanked the nails out of the wall behind the pieces we already got out. He's doing the ceiling repair now. I've got the fan on exhaust blowing out dust and crap like that as well as a Fleetwood Mac CD, so when the kids next door go out to do their thing, it should muffle it.

I hope I get mail today.

It's going to be another hot one out there and I'm not going to hang out much today. If the pool was warmer, that'd be different, but without going out and opening the doors, I got my fresh air. The bedroom and bathroom don't get much fresh air, so I can't wait till the EC is set up. This way I can air it out daily for a little while, at least, till the EC is on all the time.

Noon

Tom's taking a break and eating hot dogs I just made for him. Soon, he's going to a friend's house to fix their computer.

3/7/1994 Mon. 2:46 PM

I meant to write yesterday, and yes, I do have lots to update on. Today's surely different from those hot days we've been having. It's raining and thundering. I like the change, though, whereas back east, that's all it ever does and you pray for a day without rain, let alone cold and snow.

This weekend was fairly quiet. No music and no steady hour-after-hour ball bouncing, although I did hear it a little. When I went to put my mail out, I saw their ball lying in their driveway. Part of me wanted to take it and ditch it somewhere, but I didn't want to be seen. Plus, I'm sure they'd just turn around and get a new ball. Still, it'd be nice if some kid came by and took it.

I hope it rains this weekend and then I'll have had enough of it for a while. I do look forward to the monsoon season, though. It's awesome. Also, as it gets hotter and hotter, fewer people will be out.

Tom's working now, but tomorrow he's on vacation till next Monday. We expect to be very busy, but I'll tell you what we do as we do whatever we do. Last Saturday, we finally began to take down that ugly old paneling. Soon we'll paint the whole kitchen an off-white.

I can't remember all the things we did Saturday, but things have been OK. All except for the fact that my camera's broken. I was so bummed out, too, as I took some really cool pictures.

Yesterday I skated for nearly 3 hours and I loved it. I skated around the pool and on the patio. It was so much fun and I felt very relaxed and confident. I really am an OK skater. I certainly wouldn't dare do a triple axel with no coach, but I can spin and jump enough to have fun with it. Tom and I want to get rollerblades so we can go on the streets. This way I can do more and I can go fast. The two pairs of skates I have aren't good for the streets. One little pebble can send me flying all the way to the Grand Canyon.

Well, Tom and I talked about my little consultation tomorrow and I canceled it. I hate going to the doctors and if I ever have surgery again, it'll be to hear out of two ears or if it's something necessary to save my life. Tom really thinks it would depress me and he's probably right cuz then we'd never know for sure what's in store for the future, even though we think we already have a pretty good idea. I never thought I could or would have a great relationship and be able to handle it, so who knows? I even mentioned it to my mom and even she said it was a big deal and gave me the impression that I should forget about it.

I feel like I'm forgetting something, but if I remember it, I'll write it in.

No mail from Kim today, so I wonder what the delay is?

I hosed down the pig's cage yesterday. It sure was nice just to take it a few feet outside the back door, rather than 4 flights up and down or in the bathtub.

The sun's out now.

3/8/1994 Tues. 8 AM

Cool! I'm only 5 days away from my period and feel no signs of it. No pre-cramping, no sore tits, but I am a little bloated. Aren't I always? Actually, though, I'm not as bloated as I normally am only 5 days away.

I wish it were almost time for me to go to the ACS class. I'm really looking forward to it and I want it to work sooo bad.

I think I'll go watch the 2½-hour shows I taped.

10:40 AM

I'm watching Geraldo now and next is Charlie's Angels.

Tom's leaving soon to go get paint for the kitchen. He's also getting a sander.

Everyone has their hang-ups. I just hate to watch TV with someone else. I like to watch TV alone. That's when I want my space, like when I listen to music. But Tom won't let me watch TV alone. He could be in the computer room, then only intend to come into the kitchen, but instead, he stops and watches whatever I have on. If I want to keep him in the living room forever, all I'd have to do is keep the TV on. Well, I did want him to see how I could do all of program 2 on one of my workout videos. So, I put it in the VCR and did it knowing he'd sit right there through the entire thing.

He said he hates talk shows. Well, he loves them now, cuz that's what he's watching.

1:43 PM

Tom came back an hour ago with all kinds of things to do the kitchen with. He even got new kitchen faucets.

He's about to make us bacon and eggs, then we're going to go plant the lettuce and carrot seeds.

I wish it were time for me to go to my class now.

Still no mail from Kim today. I don't know what's taking her so long to send the article and find more info. I'll send her a letter soon.

I got another collector's plate under the name of Ann. Had to be from Andy or Fran. It's black Labradors and it's nice. Now I have a total of 6.

3:42 PM

Well, in 2 hours and 15 minutes, we'll be leaving for the class. I hope for the best.

In the meantime, we dug up patches of dirt, shook the dirt out and took the grass out of the area that we'll be putting seeds in.

I really miss Andy. I hope to hell he gets a night job somewhere soon. Second shift would be perfect for him and I know he'd want that much more than third.

He's now on the phone talking to his friend Eileen. Me? I'm just bored as hell till I leave. Think I'll go make myself some coffee now.

3/11/1994 Fri. 1:11 PM

I know it's been a few days since I last wrote. Well, I'm sorry to have to say this but this journal's going to be ending on a sour note. I do have some good news, and the bad news is nothing compared to my bad days back east, but it's still bad enough. I have a few major subjects, then some little stuff to write. I'll save the better stuff for last.

Did I, or did I not say my luck would run out with the assholes across the street? Well, it did. They played last night for nearly an hour and a half. I had been in a great mood too, and my mood was totally shot to hell. Tom says it's too soon to worry, but I know it's the same old cycle. They'll do this 1-3 times a week now for months. Like 5-6 months before they back off for another 2 months if they ever do again. I refuse to deal with it all over again. I must think and act fast. Andy's got to know someone who can do something. I can't and I won't deal with this shit all over again. Now the tension's on once again. Only several months of peace can cure that, but I won't get that peace unless I take serious action.

Now, I have one more, not-too-cool piece of news. Well, as for the cigarettes, well, we're together till death do us part. I'll just have to go young, but there's no way I can ever get off them. Tom still says I will quit, and he's been right about everything, so far, but I don't see it.

Speaking of seeing things - I'm pretty good at picking winning horses. I'll have to continue trying to develop it.

Cigarette break now.

2:02 PM

OK, now on with the better news, among news in general. The kitchen's more than half done. We tore down the paneling and Tom's now repainting it off-white. Boy, does it look a lot better! Brighter and so much more cheerful.

I miscounted the days till my next period, thinking I was due on the 13th. I'm due on the 16th, but the great news is that I still feel no signs of it. I'm bloated, but my boobs aren't sore and I have no pre-cramping.

Tom introduced me to another super neat thing on the computer. This thing that’ll either repeat back what you type or that’ll have a conversation with you. I taped one of our talks on a microcassette recorder of Tom's. The bummer of it is, is that it doesn't say what I type. Only its response.

Tom got out some of his musical instruments as he was rearranging the back room. A trombone, a trumpet and a flute. I played a little trumpet for the first time in my life. You kind of have to spit into it to sound off the notes. It was hard, but I managed to sound off a few notes. The flute was easier and miraculously I was able to remember where certain notes are after so many years and for one who didn't play for long. Also, now that I have good pitch, I could tell what the notes were that I randomly keyed and played.

Last night, Tom and I sang some songs of Linda's. He played the chords on the keyboard while I sang.

He also got a programming language thing that will save so much time on the business so we don't have to stall for another 3 months.

3:11 PM

There's not much more to do with the kitchen and soon we're going to work on the back room. Tom's making himself something to eat, then we're going to work on it.

3:26 PM

Tom's now hosing off a low/wide table that was here when he moved in. He's going to put some of his books and equipment on it till we build wall shelves in the cubby hole at the far end of the back room. I'm going to be using a taller bookshelf that's also of solid wood. The little wooden bookcase will replace the plastic ones my CDs and CD player are now on. I hate the plastic ones cuz they sag.

I called Kim last night and asked her if she'd found any information on Bob and where he is. Sure enough, just as I told Kim, Minnie never sent Kim the article about Bob in the Greenfield paper. Kim says she has the weekend off and will then try to find stuff out. Tom says it's a matter of public record, which is true. Kim can find out at the courthouse where he is. Also, we may be able to see the article from our library here. That'd be nice. I'll let Kim know of all this the next time I write her, but she probably will figure it out on her own.

Well, now I'm going to go see what Tom's up to and if I'm needed.

7 PM

Well, Tom and I sure got lots and lots of work done on the back room. We're on break now. He's watching basketball and I'm lying on my bed.

We ordered dinner from My Mother's. He got a pizza and I ordered a prime rib dinner, but it will probably be a while before it gets here.

Right now I want to change my sheets before it gets much later.

7:40 PM

Boy, that was yummy! Plus, they screwed up in our favor. His pizza and my prime rib totaled about $19, but they charged us only $11. I'm so full now and I'm trying to burp it up as best I can. Perfect timing, though, cuz at 9 PM I need to take my meds.

After I finish this journal and begin the next one, I'll probably listen to music.

10:43 PM

Tom's going to bed in a few minutes and I am too, in a little while.

Tomorrow it'll be another 80º day and Sunday it'll be somewhere in the neighborhood of 85º.

Earlier I saw Marlee Matlin in Hear No Evil. I missed the first half-hour, but what I did see was good. It was also the first time I saw her topless.

Just when I thought my hair might quit growing for a while, it's even longer. Just about touching the crack of my ass.

No concerts from across the street, thank God, but I still won't hold my breath. Tomorrow and Sunday will be next door's turn, although I'm not shocked I didn't hear more of them last weekend.

I've got lots of new pens that won't be drying up anytime soon, so I'm going to do each day a different color.

I asked Tom when he thought Bob would be able to write letters. He said maybe in a couple of weeks. I sure hope so.

3/12/1994 Sat. midnight

Well, I'm still up, despite the fact that I don't think I will be for too much longer. I turned down the idea of typing letters. I've got lots to tell everyone, too.

Come to think of it, I've gotten no calls from Fran or messages left by him.

Deep down, for curiosity's sake, I wonder what is really going on in Nervous's life. Is he still with Crystal? If so, how's it going? I wonder who else he knows and what else he's doing. That is, aside from working at Feinstein's. I'll never really ever know, now will I?

More so, I wonder how Bob's coping with being in prison. Thank God he didn't get in trouble while I was there. I sure needed him when Kim wasn't around.

Tuesday we're going to the library to look for Bob's article in the Greenfield newspaper and perhaps pick up a book on DES.

12:52 PM

I got up a couple of hours ago, and I watched last Wednesday night's show I forgot I had to finish.

It's beautiful out now and so far it's been very shockingly quiet. I don't even know if they're home next door.

Tom's working now on the back room and I'm bored.

4:01 PM

Tom and I finally planted our carrots and lettuce. In the back of this book, I wrote up a chart. This way we have the dates of when we plant things and what's in each row.

It looks as if it might storm out there.

Next door's been quiet, and if they're doing their shit across the street, I don't know about it. I have the radio on in my room and the living room, which also has speakers in the back room.

Oh, how could I forget! I'm 99 pounds and I don't think I've been there for a few months.

Also, when I woke up, I thought I was pre-cramping, but it was really gas. My tits don't hurt, my stomach doesn't hurt, and lastly, I'm not too bloated. I wish it could be like this every month.

5:30 PM

Tom's now watching the end of a movie I already saw on HBO. When he's done, we're going to fool around.

Yuck! I think I now feel some pre-cramps.

It rained a little out, so the garden oughta love that.

8:43 PM

Tom and I just did a lot of work on the back room and it looks so much better.

I just cranked the music up as I'm sure that any time now they're going to blast off. I'm not in the mood to be reminded of apartment living.

Got a message from Tammy. Going to go copy it in now.

3/13/1994 Sun. 12:31 PM

Last night I fell asleep at 1:30 and awoke with upper stomach pains at 5:00. I've never really had upper stomach pains before and Tom said it could've been heartburn. I don't know, but at least I'm better now. I fell back asleep at around 7:00 and got up just after 11:00.

Yesterday I began to be aware of my period on its way, so I'll be dealing with that really soon.

Later, Tom and I will be going grocery shopping. I'm not really looking forward to that, and today it'll be mobbed.

It's nice out today, but very breezy. I like that, though.

Even though I have an Abba CD on now, it's quiet outside. I don’t think they're home next door.

Last night I made Tom a tape of Sting and Meat Loaf with the new tapes. One of them, anyway.

11:26 PM

I've got some very good news. Andy's going to be starting 2nd shift real soon! He's going to be calling back real soon. He's packing now, as he's going to Vegas for two days, the lucky fem.

Earlier, Tom went grocery shopping and he got some watercolors. They're a far cry different than a pencil or a marker, but I'm practicing. I touched up a so-so Gloria drawing and made it pretty nice. Nicer than I'd expected. I also typed letters to my parents and Kim.

That's all for now.

3/14/1994 Mon. midnight

I was just talking with Andy and we were discussing ways to keep out of trouble, yet still have some fun.

We just left Ellie a message that we'll want to see some night. Also, I wouldn't be too surprised if Rosemarie was still there and I'd like to leave a note on her car. I wonder if Mark and Robert are still there, but I highly doubt it. I'm sure Scott moved a long time ago, too. People who make so many enemies so fast tend to move a lot.

I just had an idea. A good one, too. It's been since about the summer of ‘92 since I've copied conversations from tapes in here in script form. I can take Tom's microcassette recorder, record some stuff, then put it in here. This thing can also rewind and fast forward while the play button is down. The old little portable cassette player I used to use for this is in the computer room and it'd be a pain to bring it in here.

6:16 PM

Before I do some script form convos, and before Tom comes home, let me update the day's events. Actually, it begins shortly after I last wrote.

I must've had massive gas, cuz my stomach was throbbing. It was pretty weird and a bit scary too. It all began when I sat down to watch TV. First I could feel it, then I looked down and my lower right side of my stomach was literally throbbing and pulsing. I was very nauseous too, and at one point almost certain I was going to puke, but luckily I didn't have to. Is it something I ate? My meds? PMS? Tension cuz of the assholes across the street? Plus, I know it isn't going to let up for another two months. Once these people start, they don't stop. Next Thursday - Sunday afternoon, they'll be up to the usual shit.

Am I going to drop to my knees again and beg God to stop it? Nah, he isn't done letting me listen to other people's noise. Every weekend, I'll just have to feel like and be reminded of apartment living. It's almost like something up there's taunting me with it. The more I want peace and quiet the more noise it throws at me. Not a peep, though, from next door. There's no way they could've been home last weekend. No way at all.

Kim called with Bob's address. Guess it is Cedar Junction prison in Walpole, bordering Boston. She's going to try to see him at the end of the week. Tomorrow I'll be sending off a letter and she'll be doing the same. I sure hope he gets it.

Andy had a weird encounter with a customer at work, but I'll write about it after I have a cigarette.

6:31 PM

OK, so about Andy's customer. He overheard a man and a woman talking. The woman said, "So, how was your visit with Jodi?" The man said, "This is the second time and this time we talked a lot more. She really opened up and seemed so much happier."

Andy said he had no gray hair. Also, we only saw each other once, but it sure was weird. He said he almost asked the man if his name was Larry.

3/15/1994 Tues. 12:30 AM

Oh no, here I go again thinking of a kid. Where are these goddamn urges coming from? Especially when I know damn good and well it'd be the worst thing for me. For several reasons. Oh well, all I can do is fight it and ignore it. A baby isn't in my cards. Not even if I weren't sterile.

I didn't get up today till 11:15, so I'll probably be up till 3:00 or 4:00 just vegging.

2:49 AM

There was a catfight outside a little while ago, but in the meantime, Tom and I had the best talk ever about us getting married and having a kid. Now I feel like I can easily deal with daily thoughts of having one, even though they're not daily. They're about 5-10 days out of the month. We're going to discuss a date tomorrow, but we're both so sure. I never thought I could want it to be forever and have that person want that, too. I never think about or worry if it'll end in a year, or 5, or 10. All I know is one day at a time and how I feel right now. We're also both trying to keep an open mind to any possibilities, such as having a kid or whatever. We won't say I won't and we won't say I will have a kid, but 1996 is the year we'll think about it seriously. We're not against those who have kids before, during, or after marriage, but whether I do or don't, 1996 is a good year to decide, although I still have mixed emotions about it and probably always will. Plus, there's still a 90-something percent chance that I may be sterile.

Well, it's off to bed now.

3:39 PM

Got up at 11:00 today, then Tom and I went to the library. We didn't look for the article, cuz the more we thought about it, the more we figured they won't have it. Greenfield's not a huge enough paper.

We did get a DES book. I only scanned through it quickly, but it looks like DES-related cancers aren't as bad as I thought. However, sterility is most certain. If not, a miscarriage is. In a way, even though I'm sure a kid's not in my cards, this is a bummer, cuz it's taking away my options and freedom of choice for 1996.

After the library, he got a haircut, which looks very nice. I went into Ross's clothing store while he was getting his hair cut. For a total of $23, I got a melon-colored denim vest and a short-sleeve sundress. At the hair salon, I got a bottle of that detangler.

From there, Tom and I went to a buffet. The food would've been good if it weren't cold. After eating, we came home.

4:30 PM

Tom called the mortgage company, and he set up an appointment for Tuesday.

Right now he's watching a video of Wendy's vacation back in New Jersey and New York.

I took Piggy out back for a while, and we sat in the swing. Now I think I'll go sit out back for a while.

3/16/1994 Wed. 5:39 PM

Wow! Have I been having a fan-fucking-tastic day or what?! I may be interrupted by a call from Andy, but for now I'll get as far as I can. First of all, when I got up today at 11:00, I finished something I began last night. On 20 pieces of computer paper, I've done different abstract designs with the watercolor paints. Yup, it's getting easier and I'm getting used to it little by little. I did do a cactus and a palm tree, but I mainly did designs like rainbows and similar stuff like that. Where did I put it when I finished? In the boarded-up window in the living room. Before the garage was built, you could look out at the window to W. Weldon. It looks so good there along with my collector's plates.

Andy was going to come over here and do his laundry, but instead he fell asleep with a headache, so maybe Friday. They're remodeling the laundry room where he lives.

Tom sprayed out the room that's part of the garage where the dryer is and gave me a spare key.

Got yet another set of address labels today and two more to go. They all should be here by Saturday.

The city came, free of charge, to paint the block wall that someone painted on. I haven't seen it yet, though.

I have yet to get to the great news and the funny news, but I will soon.

6 AM

Well, Andy's been on the phone now for a while, so I'll just wait till I hear from him. He wants me to read him the weird letter he wanted me to type to a very snotty customer.

I called and talked to Dad today. He sounded great and Mom was out playing bingo.

I also called Tammy, who was really pissed and is having more problems with Lisa's ex-friend Stacey. I guess Stacey beat up Lisa at school or tried to. Lisa's afraid and has to be escorted to classes. Bill called telling the principal that he'd better guarantee her safety...or else! Tammy said she wishes she could get her hands on this 11-year-old and that she wished I could call her. I did and said what she told me to say - that Stacey better keep her hands to herself or else she won't have any hands or mouth. I told Tammy, too, that if trouble persists, she can give me their address and I'll send catalogs and whatever to them in NPN envelopes. I can also send them weird letters and when they see the Phoenix postmark, they'll be thoroughly confused trying to figure out who hates them all the way from Phoenix.

It hit 87º here and that wonderful news is still yet to come!

6:33 PM

Andy's got company, I just remembered, so I read him the letter on his VM.

Tom should be home soon, but first I think he's stopping off for some groceries.

OK, here's my good news. Just as I was finishing up painting, I had the doors open when there was a big boom for the second time. Luckily, it wasn't nearly as loud this time around. Then, fire trucks and cruisers went heading down towards that same alley from Claredon St. People came out to see what was up. Same with the heavy-metalling teen across the street and 3 of his buddies. He asked if I knew anything, then we got to talking. Once we hit the music subject, I told him my honest feelings about it. He then said they practice every Thursday and gave me his number, saying that if it ever got too loud to call.

Great! And he did sound sincere enough, although I will still just wait and see.

I also had a nice chat with Lenore next door. Yup, they're Mormons. She's going to drop kid #5 anytime now, and they home-teach their kids. That explains why they’re always home. These people must have bucks to support so many kids, and how they all fit into a 3-bedroom house is beyond me. She says she hates the heat here and plans to spend the whole summer in Idaho where she's from. Dean will fly to her every so often. I asked her if she ever heard my music and she said no and asked if I could hear their piano. Nope, but even if I did, that wouldn't bother me.

How do they fit a piano in such a small house?

3/17/1994 Thurs. 12:34 AM

I just called Gina, who remembered my voice and name after a couple of months. I asked if she could play One for One. I don't know who does it, but I know Linda did it in the early 70s. I love the guitar in this guy's version.

So anyway, here's the news about Bob. Kim called me to tell me she saw Bob. He's been transferred yet a third time. From Franklin County to Walpole, and now to MCI Concord in the Boston area. Who knows what MCI stands for? Must be Massachusetts Corrections Institute or something.

As she saw, and to no surprise, Bob looks terrible. Who wouldn't in jail? He does have an appeal going through, but if it works, it'll take quite some time. Hey, what else is new? But he said that even his lawyer swore up and down that he'd get off. He can't get calls, but he can make them as long as they're collect. He can also write and get letters. If I write to him, they don't read the letter, but they do open the envelope, naturally, to be sure nothing's in the envelope that's not supposed to be. Kim said she sent us both letters a couple of weeks ago, but it's going to take time. They only pick up mail from there every other week. Hopefully, I'll get his letter within a few days, but he'll get my letters faster than I'll get his. Kim said that he'll still get the letter I just sent to Walpole. Also, in his letter, there'll be more information as well as his booking number.

If there's any news that's good that eases our fears, it's that his one cellmate's his age. Also, there's been no abuse from the guards or any other inmate. True to what Tom said, he's bored with tons of free time.

Is Gina going to fucking play my request, or what? She's done this before and so far she's played 3 other requests and they didn't seem to come before mine. Fuck her then, if she doesn't play it. I'll request it from another DJ if I have to.

I'm going to go watch TV now and soon hit the sack.

4:21 PM

Well, Gina did play my request, but I sure did not expect to hear me singing first. No wonder she asked me to sing a little of it. I thought it a little strange that she wouldn't know the song; therefore, I had to sing some of it.

7:30 PM

Tom just got home a little while ago. Now he's eating.

9:15 PM

They're playing now across the street, and I can barely hear it! I'm leaving him a thank you note tomorrow.

11:55 PM

I just finished typing up the last letter of the day. Got a few letters going out. To my parents, Kim, Fran and Andy's nasty customer.

Tom and I talked more about getting married. We're still not sure of a month, date, or where. We discussed the pros and cons of getting married here, as well as in Vegas.

I'm surer that I want to marry Tom than he's sure I'm sure. I think he's just jumping the gun, though, worrying about too many what-ifs, even though that's perfectly understandable. I went through all my what-ifs too. Like, what if we get divorced as almost everyone else does? But life's about taking chances. His basic concern is that he's positive about two things that he swears will happen and how I'll feel about them and deal with them. He swears I'll fall in love with a woman and it'll be mutual. He's not so much afraid I'll leave him, but will it make me wish I weren't married to him? I said I'd tell them it's too late and that I'm taken. He says these words may be hard to stick by, but this can happen to him as well as anyone else. If this happens, I'll deal with it as best I can. Yes, I know I swore I'd never have a relationship or move here, but no woman's going to love me. Not one I'd love back. As gay as I always have been and always will be, this isn't meant to be. If it were in my cards to be with a woman, then I would've been. The relationship was, after all, meant to be, but not with a woman. Otherwise, Tom would be a woman. Anyway, it's human nature to be attracted to multiple people, although Tom's 100% sure I'm going to fall in love. Tom said this happened to him with his first wife and he had to go through the "Hey, I'm already committed" stage. I guess it was the type of love where he didn't want to leave his wife, nor did he want to sleep with this other woman. I guess it's just Murphy's Law.

The other thing he swears will happen is that I'll no longer get SS checks eventually and will make the same, if not more than he does, and that's all wonderful with him, but what he fears is me wanting to venture back out on my own with the dough.

I'd only leave him if he turned out to be a no-good jerk. However, if I made not a penny or a million bucks, what's that got to do with us? That won't change my love for him. I want to share any victories I have or money I make with him. Not alone. I just want us to do our best, take one day at a time and hope it is forever.

Now, what the hell was that? I just heard some knocking sound, but I can't tell where it's coming from. Oh well, I'm going to go and watch TV.

3/19/1994 Sat. 5:43 PM

Boy, was I tired. I slept nearly 11 hours and didn't get up until 4 PM today.

Last night was fun. Andy came over and did his laundry at 7:30. Tom didn't get in till 9:00 and I was worried. He worked overtime. We were all laughing and joking and telling old and funny stories.

Still no letter from Bob. This makes me feel like someone's intercepting his mail.

Tom's working on the back room right now, and I'm kind of bored.

3/20/1994 Sun. 1:30 AM

Earlier, Tom and I were talking about possible dates to be married. I said that in a way I wish it were now 1995, then we could go for April 9th, the day we met. So, eventually, he came up with an idea. He asked me, "When was the first time we went in the middle?" I thought at first he meant when he got in there, finally. Well, he meant orally, as sex is sex, and sex comes in all ways and forms of variety. I looked back, and he "got it in there" on January 12th, but the oral part was either July 28th, 29th, or 30th. I think it was the 30th.

What type of wedding we'll have and where is still a mystery. We both agree on one thing, though. Neither of us wants a huge wedding. Andy said he's definitely going to be there, which is great. He went on and on about how great Tom and I are together and jokingly asked to be the bridesmaid and dress up as either Stevie or Madonna.

I finally got my last order of address labels and I really like them a lot. I already filled out the order form for labels for Tammy and Bill for their anniversary, even though that's not until May 25th. I'm ordering them cat labels. I should've gotten those, rather than the gold-trimmed ones for myself. Anyway, I went ahead and ordered a set of these cat labels for myself. In August, for my parents' anniversary, I'll order them a set of who knows what style and design.

My dad's b-day is only about 15 days away. What shall I send him? Just a card as usual? How old is he going to be? I think he'll be 63.

Tom's mom gave me a bag of magazines. He was at his parents’ house while I was asleep. They really were of no use to me, but it was nice of her. There were two animal posters that I put up on the bulletin board. Also, two subscription forms I used for Nervous and Scott. There was a poster of a tarantula and that'll go to Nervous.

The neatest thing she gave Tom to give to me were pastel chalk-like things. I did a fairly decent picture of a table with a bowl of fruit and a vase of flowers. Behind the table is a chair. Behind the table and chair is a big huge window with curtains. Outside the window, I drew mountains and the sky.

3:39 AM

I just tried to print out address labels for Kim and my parents, but I fucked up somehow. So, I addressed them by hand, which I also don't mind doing. I used all different colors. There are about 12 address labels that Kim and my parents haven't seen yet, so I gave them each one. Their next 12 letters will have different address labels.

I watched part of a movie I taped last night. So far, so good. Now I think I'll listen to music for a while.

3/21/1994 Mon. midnight

Well, well, well. What's going on in my life? Well, I awoke at 4:00 once again. Late last night, till 7:00 this morning, I sort of felt lousy. Due to the rain, which I'm not as used to anymore since that's a rare occasion here, I felt shitty. I was very, very tight.

Last night, though, I went to print out address labels for my parents and Kim, but the printer fouled up on me. Therefore, I handwrote 12 envelopes with 12 different labels they haven't seen yet. I do believe I mentioned this; come to think and remember it.

Fran called today before I woke up. Tom answered his call, then he left a message. I tried calling him twice but he was busy, so he's going to have to call me. Also, if he gets me, he does. If he doesn't, he doesn't.

At about 5:00 this afternoon, Tom and I went to JB's for dinner. It was good.

Just as we were leaving, they were playing, or so I thought, across the street. Very loud. It was still going on at 7:30 when we got in, so I called. His mother answered and the weird thing was that where she was was quiet. I guess the house behind her was playing in their garage, as there was a party. That was cool, and she sounded nice. When I hung up, I put my music on and turned it off at 8:45 and it was quiet. That was easy enough to deal with.

So afterward, I watched TV, typed letters, played my computer card game, and ate more. I tried to do some scanning, but I couldn't get it to work to save my life.

I hope I get Bob's letter today. Kim called yesterday and she had just gotten a letter from him. We both never got that first one he wrote us both a few weeks ago. Guess we never will get it. Kim said he wrote and sent me a letter the same day he sent hers.

3:16 AM

Between April 17th and 22nd, we'll be going to Disneyland for 1-2 nights. However, somewhere in July or August, we've decided that Vegas would be a great place to be married.

It's weird, yet fine with me, that I don't look as white as these pages. Why? Who knows. I haven't exactly been out in the sun these days.

I also forgot to mention something else for about a week now. According to the DES book, yes, we possess higher chances of fertility and miscarriages, but they also made it sound like it's very far from impossible. Still don't know if I'll want to try in ‘96, but we'll see, as it's still quite a while from now. Also, Tom and I are less convinced that my ear has anything to do with the DES and surer that I do ovulate. The book, along with the doctor, mentioned thinner, runnier discharges mid-cycle. Well, I most certainly have that.

I've got a few things I want to mend and hem on my new sewing machine. Let's see, what do I want to do? A pair of panties, my white shorts, and I know there's more. Oh yes, the pockets of my cut-off jeans.

9:16 PM

Fell asleep at 5:30 this morning. Got up at noon, then fell back asleep an hour later till 5:00.

When Tom got home, he tried to scan my journals and even he's having trouble with it, so something's wrong.

I may have mentioned a while back that they're eliminating Tom's job at AMEX, so he put in for another job at another department. If he gets it, he'll work 8-hour shifts for 5 days a week.

Anyway, our trip to Disneyland may have to be pushed ahead or back a little, but we are going.

Tomorrow at 10:00, he has an appointment with the mortgage company about that $65,000 loan.

I'm recording the Oscar awards now, but for the most part, it'll be boring.

3/22/1994 Tues. 12:30 AM

I typed a letter to my parents, and still no letter from Bob. Kim got hers, so is there that one in a million chance that someone's working there that doesn't like me and has intercepted his mail to me? I doubt it. I mean, Bob would write to me, and he even told Kim he sent a second letter to me right after they had their visit. Maybe he wrote it right after their last bi-weekly mail run. Tom says that's how it is in the military. Someone will get mail only every other week, but when they do, they get 4 or 5 letters. I hope this is the case.

I typed Kim a letter and played some card games. What do I want to do now? I have no idea. I would like to write more, but I've run out of things to write about. Guess I'll have to think of another writing project for times like this, huh?

3:22 AM

Well, I've had enough TV for a while, so I think I'll go listen to music. After, I'll try conking out. Before I do, though, let me just say that I'm so proud of myself. I made the best chicken wings ever. This time I not only put margarine on it but also garlic salt. It made the meat part cook better and more tender. Also, the skin was nice and crispy.

Well, till later or tomorrow!

4:04 AM

Till later, I guess. I think it'll be a while before I conk out.

Been meaning to mention the weirdest, yet pretty cool thing. I swear I hear birds chirping during the middle of the night. It's the strangest thing. I'll have to ask Tom about it, as I wonder what kinds of birds could be doing this and why. They certainly don't do this in Massachusetts or Connecticut, unless there's sunlight.

I just upped and threw on the EC to bring fresh air in. I love how it brings in the smell of the orange blossoms. They don't really smell of orange, though; otherwise I'd hate it, cuz I hate both the smell and the taste of orange. Now it's great in here after only a few seconds. It freshens the air quicker and better than opening up the place on a very windy day. It also filters out pollen. I've been tight lately and this really helps cuz if I didn't know better, I'd swear I was outside in the fresh air right now.

I just heard Tom cough. I wonder if he's up. He'll probably stay in bed till 6:00 or 7:00 anyway.

It's getting chilly in here, so I’ll shut off the EC soon. My breathing's much better now.

So, am I going to get a letter from Bob today, or what? I sure hope so.

I hope Fran decides to try calling me back when I’m awake and not busy. Maybe I'll hear about Bob's picture. He's getting a very nice picture of a Mexican girl. When Andy was here, he brought the picture to send to him. Someone left it behind at Denny's. Just to keep track, here are my "notes" on her. I wouldn't want to get her confused with Sabrina. Andy named her Connie. She's 28, lives alone across the street from me, is a secretary at a lawyer's office, has no kids, is from Texas, has 3 sisters and 2 brothers, moved here when she was 18. If I mentioned anything else in my letter about her to Fran, then I forgot. I just said that I told Connie all about him and she liked what she heard. With my luck, he'll say he wants to write to her and really mean it this time. As stupid as he is, he'll never buy it if I give a million reasons why she needs to get her mail here. I could try saying, if it comes up, that she just got involved with someone very, very jealous of her even having a long-distance pen pal, but I doubt it'll work. Maybe I oughta bring it up before he does in my next letter to him. This way it'll sound less of a cover-up excuse if he asks for an address.

Damn, in 7 hours I've written 14 pages! I've been in my writing mood, so I remembered the little stuff to write about for now.

The lettuce is growing, but the carrots are taking their sweet time.

10:30 PM

Tom and I went to PetSmart earlier. I got more pellets and the same plastic ball I had when I had the two mice. So far, he doesn't like it as the mice did. He just sits there. I guess it's a little too small for him.

I also got two journals.

When Tom went to the grocery store while I was asleep, he got some sticks of different colored clay. I'll have to come up with some clever idea for them.

I also got a birthday card for Dad.

Fran left a message and I called him back. He wants to move out here. What else is new? I told him about Connie and he never did mention Bob's picture.

3/23/1994 Wed. 7 AM

I'm still up and Tom's in the shower now getting ready for work.

I just finished helping him with the bills. He writes out the checks, then copies the check number and the check amount onto a piece of paper. I put the bill and check in their envelopes, then stamp it, and stick his address label on it.

What else is going on right now? Oh, not much. Just bumming around till I fall asleep. I'm going to have coffee and have a cigarette. Just what I need, huh? When it comes to trying to quit smoking, I never fail to fail. I quit trying to quit. Whatever will be will be and I'll be a smoker forever, regardless of wanting to or not.

11:33 PM

Got up at 5:00 today. When Tom came home, I surprised him with a spaghetti dinner. He loved it. I even surprised myself. For someone who can't cook, it sure came out yummy. See, I am sort of old-fashioned and there is a little tradition in me, as modern as I am.

I still haven't gotten any letters from Bob. If I don't in a month, then I give up. To hell with ever hoping my parents will ever write me, either. It seems they only write once a year.

I taped my shows, but Unsolved Mysteries wasn't on due to some special, and Law & Order was a repeat.

3/24/1994 Thurs. 12:06 AM

I just left a message on Andy's machine. He called me last night at 1 AM, but I had the ringer off, figuring no one was going to call so late. When the hell are they going to stop fucking up his schedule and put him on 2nd shift?

Anyway, I'm going to go now to watch more of the shows I taped, so bye for now.

3/26/1994 Sat. 5:15 AM

So, what's been going on here in Arizona? Oh, not much. In April I may meet Naomi Judd. She's to be at the Civic Plaza with Phil Donahue and some other actress whose name I can't remember. It'll probably be a long line, but I guess you get to talk to her briefly and get a picture taken with her and an autograph. I may check it out if she's not here while I'm in Disneyland.

Still no mail from Bob or anyone else.

9:30 AM

I just spoke to Tammy, who tried calling last night. It figures I'd miss her call. They're expecting 2" of snow. Ha, Ha!

3/27/1994 Sun. 1:53 AM

For the first time in my life, I'm letting someone read a whole entire journal. Yup, I'm letting Tom read the story in #61 (lesbian lovers). He'll die laughing, I'm sure.

Andy tried telling me I oughta publish some of my writing. Maybe do a short story for Echo magazine, which is a gay magazine. Nope. Don't think so. See, when I sit back and read whatever I wrote, I like it and understand it. However, I'm afraid others will just laugh. They haven't yet, but I guess I'm just paranoid.

I went to bed at 3:30 PM, and while I slept, Tom read it. Well, I guess he did. He said he was going to, but I can't ask him now cuz he's asleep.

If they've played their music across the street, I never heard anything. It's been quiet since they played outdoors in the garage behind their house last Sun. That was probably a birthday party.

Evie and David sent an Easter card to "Jody" and Tom. How sweet, although no one ever spells my name right. Either way it's spelled, I hate the fucking name, so who cares?

Andy left a message to call him cuz he has a great Michael Jackson joke. When I did try to call, it was too late.

Got a postcard from my dad today which I copied into #57. Still nothing from Bob or Kim.

The weather was pretty shitty yesterday with rain. It was damp and yucky, but it cleared off. By Monday it'll be back to the 80s.

3/28/1994 Mon. 4:22 AM

Yesterday was lots of fun, and I broke another "bed record." For the first time yesterday, Tom and I were able to have full-scale penetration. It felt really nice, even though I could never cum by that alone with no stimulation. It really makes me feel more of a woman and less different, although we'd both be fine if I never could've done it. Oral sex is my favorite, and it always will be.

He'll be getting up any time now and Andy's off today. We may get together.

That's all that's been going on. Tom and I also have great talks and enjoy spending time together. It's so amazing how this just keeps on getting better and better.

I have to call for my meds refill and that's about the only thing I absolutely need to do today.

I basically give up, as far as getting any mail from Bob. I guess he's a closed chapter in my life. For now, it feels that way.

5:33 AM

Tom's up now and he's making us Hamburger Helper now. He's quickly going to run to the store to pick me up cigarettes.

Doesn't feel like it's going to be cool out today. Earlier when I went to put the garbage out back it wasn't too bad. Maybe I can get some color today. Then again, I'll probably wait till I can swim. It's too boring sunning and just sitting out there without being able to swim.

I have to go check the Hamburger Helper now, so I'll write more later.

6:30 AM

The Hamburger Helper was so good. Tom's in the shower now and I'll probably do some typing.

3/29/1994 Tues. 4:40 AM

Not much happened yesterday. I fell asleep at 5 PM; therefore, I couldn't see the look on Tom's face when he walked into his room. I straightened it all up.

5:20 AM

I forgot to mention that I tried to call Jessie in W. Springfield. Both numbers I tried were wrong. I called information and there's no one with her name in the whole Springfield area. She either moved or has a phone in someone else's name now.

I tried to call Cassandra, my therapist in Deerfield. I got her machine and I left a message as well as my number.

11:32 AM

Tom and I went out for almost two hours. I got my meds and 3 journals for $20.75. Now I have a total of 65!

2:50 PM

Tom and I are out back now. Boy, is it hot!

No mail from Bob. Maybe he doesn't have my address written down with him in jail and he can't remember it correctly.

Andy told me that Michael Jackson joke yesterday and it was pretty funny. Here it is: What do Michael Jackson and J.C. Penny's have in common?

They both have little boys' pants half off.

Another one goes: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A Lickolotopus.

3/30/1994 Wed. 8 PM

Oh, this is just lovely. Next door, there's a car in their driveway as well as a van on their front lawn. There's a ball game going on now that includes other kids who don't live there. They're all dressed up, so hopefully they’re going somewhere. Maybe Lenore had her 5th kid, or it's cuz Easter's coming, but I'm sure it'll be a zoo till it gets really hot.

Why me? There are tons of elderly couples on this street, so why couldn't they live next to me, what with these houses so close? Why did God have to put Mormons next to me? What's he trying to tell me? It'll be years before we move, so how many kids will be there then? 10?

Well, for now I have the radio real loud, cuz if they aren't going, it'll be crazy there all day. Also, if they're going to have company for a while, they'll keep their dog outside 24/7.

I'm going to go out back and see if I hear anything out there.

6:11 PM

I think I've finally figured out why I haven't gotten any letters from Bob. He probably never had it written down and with him and can't remember it. I called Kim today, who said he made remarks about possibly sending it to the wrong place. While she was on the line, I called and got the PO Box number. Tomorrow I'll mail out a letter to him. I enclosed an address label, which I stuck on the letter as well as the envelope and also my phone number. Hope to hell he gets it and I get a reply.

Kim says there's still some snow and they're due for more. Ha, ha!!! Tammy says it's 40° there and they're firing up the woodstove. Ha, ha!!! Today it's 85°, and I've had the EC on all day.

Luckily, they shut up next door as quickly as they started. I have a good feeling that the hotter it gets, the less I'll hear of them. They really are quiet 98% of the time. It's just the old memories of the NHA that the ruckus triggers. If I began with the NHA all the way on up to this place and did a chart of the noise percentage, it'd look like this: NHA - 100% noisy, Vista Ventana - 80% noisy, Crystal Creek - 60% noisy, here - 15% noisy. If it weren't for this fan, though, I'd be woken up 7 out of 10 times. This fan's great, although it'd be hopeless in the NHA. Even hopeless in the Vista Ventana cuz the whole building shakes. The kids shook the building in the NHA and in the Vista Ventana, the butch rocked the place. Andy's thunderous footsteps too.

Kim says she'll be sending a letter soon. Cool, Book of Letters #7 needs it. Of course, I love getting letters, anyway.

Tom will be home very soon and soon, I'll be hitting the sack.

Gotta go set the VCR.

6:36 PM

OK, I set it for Unsolved Mysteries, Law & Order, and Now. It looks like for once Law & Order could be a new one. Unsolved is a repeat as usual, but they sometimes have updates on old cases. Now will always be new.

I left Tom a note asking him to please tape a movie for me on my old shitty VCR in his bedroom. The nice thing about it is, though, that if you record something on it, it'll play fine on the living room VCR. If you play it back on the other one, it looks and sounds like it's underwater.

God, it's warm in here. I've had the EC blaring up high all day, and it reads 82° in the living room. It's cooler in my room, though. That's where there's a lower, longer awning outside one of my windows where the sun faces west.

Damn. I forgot to call the Civic Plaza for more information about seeing the Judds, or whichever one's going to be there. Tomorrow I will, as this won't be happening till April 9th and 10th. It's not a Phil Donahue talk show, I guess, but a woman's expo.

3/31/1994 Thurs. 8:07 PM

Tom's finishing up dinner. He made us pork chops and tater tots.

Had a great talk with Dad today.

That's about all that's happening.