I was pissed cuz I slept till 4:00 today and never did my laundry. So I guess I’ll just stay up tonight cuz it’s got to get done tomorrow.

Tomorrow night, Andy and I are going to the Frontier, a gay bar, but I know that even if Maria’s there she’ll never want me and that if she does, she’ll be an asshole. Maria, who’s a friend of Bev’s, who’s a friend of Andy’s, is on her way out of the closet. Bev’s been out for years.

The thought of getting it on with someone who looks like Gloria, as Bev says she does, and who’s gorgeous, even if they’ll never love me, is awesome. Of course, I don’t want anyone around who drinks, does drugs, doesn’t understand or care for me, doesn’t accept me as I am, or that’ll cheat on me cuz they think I’m unattractive.

The thought of being kissed or touched still scares me, though. I’ve never been touched but only by two ugly males who were assholes, and not very many times. Of course, there was that Lloyd character, too.

I want someone I’m really attracted to and love. Why am I so picky, I don’t know, but it has to be the right person otherwise it just won’t feel right. In a way, I feel like I’m still a virgin. But will I ever find the right person who’s both good to me and beautiful? Oh, how I doubt it.

Saturday, Andy and I are going to Tammy’s, then to the beach. She’s having a tag sale that day.

I hate the way my hair looks and the shape of my body. I have the same gut and beach ball thighs I always had, and it feels like my hair will never be long again. It’s barely past my shoulders. The top still feels fried and straw-like.

Later...

I’m really looking forward to going to the Frontier with Andy, although I’m sure I’m getting my hopes up for no reason whatsoever. Especially about this Maria. I asked Andy, “What if Bev, who’s a druggie, is interested in me?”

He said that maybe she could take me to the places she goes to. I want Maria if she looks like Gloria, but I know I’ll never get her. If I do, she’ll probably just be an asshole.

I forgot to write that I dumped Mary about 3 days ago for constantly setting me up. We were supposed to go to the Big E and I got tired of the excuses. As Andy said, if she really wanted me, she’d find time to come and see me and stick to our dates. She’d always say she loved me and nothing about me turned her off and that she was lonely, too. Well, she’s always gonna be alone, and I can see why she’s been through 20 women, as she says she has.

But you know, I’m really glad it turned out this way, cuz she was the ugliest thing in the world and I could never picture myself in bed with her.

I’ve got a record of hers and if she wants it, she better come and get it, and she better get it when she says she’s gonna. There’s no way I’m gonna wait for hours after she calls saying she’s gonna get it. No way is this girl gonna jerk me around.

I love this perfume called Cache. It’s sexy. I’ve got my big round gold earrings on too and tomorrow night I’m gonna dress up nice.

This month I’ll need to buy a new journal for sure but I can’t remember where I got my second one, which was bigger and cheaper. The best place to go would probably be Johnson’s Bookstore.

Today I am definitely going to do my laundry so I can wear my pink mini-skirt to the bar tonight. I have so many clothes but I’m running out of underwear.

I’ll probably sleep an hour or two when it’s all done so I won’t be too tired for the bar but I’ll still get a good night’s sleep for tomorrow’s trip to Tammy’s and the beach. Can’t wait to go back again! We’ll climb the rocks, too. This time it will be just about totally dead. Char and Jim are in Florida and I’m sure all the others are gone, too. There’ll hardly be a soul around.

Later...

I am starting to feel sleepy but I want to stay up so I can go do my laundry. I just hope I have enough money. Tomorrow I get paid. I also want to buy a denim mini skirt this month and other clothes that at least fit. Maybe I can weasel some clothing money off ma, but God do I hope I stay thin! I doubt I would, though, if I ate more and didn’t take water pills.

I think I’ll go down to A.D.S. Fashions. They have nice clothes at reasonable prices.

Later...

I am now at the Laundromat on Main St. I hope that where I move to they have plumbing for your own washer and dryer, cuz if they do I’m getting Ma’s washer and dryer.

I just remembered I left a message for Nervous to call me and he’s probably trying to reach me now.

I’m gonna go next door for a bite to eat.