Slept great on both the new mattress and mattress pad, and I’m going to try it without the pad tonight. The mattress pad definitely feels a little weird and it’s going to take some getting used to if I decide to use it. Even though the 3” pad isn’t very dense, it almost makes you feel like you’re sagging, and it’s also a little hard to move or roll over. If not, Tom will use it, so there’s no money wasted. I decided that rather than rotate the mattress periodically, I would sleep on the far side of the bed when I was sleeping at night since it’s closer to the street, and on the close side when I was sleeping during the daytime. I’m sticking to the close side until I decide which setup I want to go with.

Today was both fun and productive. Tom picked up a few groceries we couldn’t get online before I got up. I got up at 10:30 and by noon we were starting to lay down the new floor tiles in the laundry room and second bath. I’ve done many home renovations, but this is my first floor. Yeah, I’m kind of proud of myself. :-)

We got the pieces down that didn’t need cutting. The cutting is going to be the tricky part and that may take more time than the ones that didn’t need to be cut. I also wonder if there’s enough adhesive on these things, but if not we can always add some glue.

The floor is absolutely gorgeous so far. There’s no comparing the old and the new. This is so much brighter, shinier and prettier.

We’ll probably finish up tomorrow. Then all we have to do is go pick up our groceries and change both the rat cage and the air filters in the bedroom air cleaners.

So 2016 was still a damn good year for the most part. Sure thought it was going to end on a shitty note with those few anxious weeks I had. Other than some anxiety, the heatstroke I experienced on vacation and then Stacey’s shit, I’d say it was a pretty good year. I just hope my hormones get their act together in 2017!

My only real concern for next year is Trump. I still hope the sexist, gay/Jew-hating whore gets assassinated right along with Pence. We thought our stocks would take a huge hit because of them, but instead of a loss our 401 is now up to around 13K!!!

Signing off now with a copy of my letter to Stacey.

I thought I would let you know why I canceled our appointment, and to be perfectly honest, I’m doing this more to get things off my chest than because I feel like I owe you an explanation. It’s too long for a voicemail, and I didn’t want to send this to your business email in case it got caught in your spam box (the one with something like 4 letters and 4 numbers in the address). I also didn’t think it was appropriate to Facebook it to you or send it in the mail anywhere else I could have sent it.

First I want to make two things clear to you. The first thing is that my opting to cancel our appointment has nothing to do with my attraction to you. If a person is a good therapist and beneficial to me, then it doesn’t matter what they look like. I agree that my problem is probably physiological, and lovely or not, I really would have preferred to feel better and never see you again for this darn anxiety.

Second thing… The last thing I want is for this to offend or upset you in any way. That is absolutely not my intention.

That being said, you know how you told me you “thought it through” after I gave you my contact info? Well, so did I. After our last chat, I had a chance to reflect on things and it’s like you had 3 different personalities during the times I saw you. There was the first one that was almost quiet, easygoing and professional. There was the second one that was chattier and seemed to suggest that my fondness/attraction was welcome and mutual. And then there was the third one that came across as standoffish and cold.

Stacey, I really did feel like you gave me mixed signals no matter how unintentional I’m sure it was on your part. Also, I had no planned “outcome” in mind for us any more than I thought you did. BUT… I did have hopes that you gave me. Not that we would become lovers or anything like that after I finally got a grip on my anxiety for more than two seconds, and not that we would be friends who would go out shopping and dining together. Nor did I expect that we would visit each other at our homes, but more along the lines of some form of phone or digital communication from time to time. You seemed quite happy to receive my contact info and then I remember you saying something to the effect of, “Thank you for this, Jodi. I just didn’t want you to get the wrong idea about my not going to your blog. That’s just not something I do.”

This led me to believe that the attraction part of it was mutual, even if neither of us had any grand plans for any particular outcome. Forgive me if I perceived you incorrectly and got you all wrong as much as it’s hard for me to believe I could suddenly become this bad at reading people. Like you said you are, I’m usually pretty intuitive. But if I got this one wrong I totally apologize for it. Totally.

I usually try to be an open person, but perhaps I should have done a better job of hiding the crush, kept my mouth shut, and not been so forthright about it.

I can’t go so far as to say I feel like I had my head played with, and I know that you never actually came out and said anything directly about being attracted to me, but it was in your body language, some of the things you said, the way you said them… or so I at least thought.

When I thought you were attracted to me and that we might keep in touch between or after our sessions, this really lifted my spirits and gave me something that I thought I had to look forward to in addition to the good things I already have going for me in life, however naïve of me this might have been.

Guess I’m either a million times worse at reading people than I gave myself credit for, or maybe there was something there that you started to feel and then you feared it might go too far or something like that. Only you can know the answer to this, but if you were attracted to me in any way, I certainly don’t expect you to admit it and apologize for how the whole situation has made me feel. You’re the last person I would’ve guessed would make me end up feeling this way. I’m hurt and it’s going to take time to recover and bounce back from this, but I will.

I have deleted the positive review I gave you on Yelp now that I kind of see you in a different light. My trust has been shaken and my respect for you lowered a bit. Let’s just say that I looked up to you, I admired you, and then I came to see that you might not be as real as I thought you were. As my husband agrees, this has had a big effect on me that basically shattered me and kicked me back down a rung or two emotionally, although I still believe you didn’t intentionally set out to make me feel this way, and I know I’ll get over it in time. But whether you meant to make me feel led on or not, I still feel the way I feel. This is part of why I keep to myself. It may be boring this way at times, but it’s safer. No misunderstandings this way.

Like I said, I never had any set expectations, but just a little bit of hope for ongoing communication because you always had a way of making me feel better. I’m not going to lie to you, though. The last time I left your office I felt disappointed, confused, surprised and a little angry instead of calmer and a bit more hopeful about life in general. I just would have preferred it if you’d told me when I gave you my contact info that that wasn’t something you did any more than blog visiting. I would have understood, and I do understand that you have certain rules and guidelines to stick to. Nonetheless, I’m a woman of my word and my contact info is still yours to do as you please, though I don’t see what you’d need it for at this point.

For whatever it’s worth, I don’t think you’re a bad person or a bad counselor. I saw a counselor a few times before seeing you, and while she didn’t harm me, she wasn’t helpful. Seeing her was like going to a restaurant and not being served. I was resistant to therapy at first because I just didn’t see at the time how telling one more person about what happened with the medication would help. But it did. The EMDR may not have made my life a bowl of cherries, but I definitely believe I may have more panic attacks without it. The tapping still helps at times, too. I will always carry these coping tools with me throughout my life.

Aside from any negative feelings going through my mind, I honestly don’t know that you could have helped me much more than you already have, as intelligent as you are. You can’t make my perimenopause go away, and if I’ve suppressed some horrible memory, we may never know if it’s a real memory or not, just like you said. And what if it was? Whatever may’ve happened to me couldn’t be undone, could it?

There were also a couple of minor issues like some inconsistencies in some of the things you told me. The last time I saw you, you said you didn’t remember your dreams, but I swear you told me a few sessions ago that you too, have had dream premonitions. Maybe you just usually don’t remember your dreams?

I would also get a little frustrated with how many things I’d tell you that you’d forget. I totally get, however, that you have many patients and that it’s hard to keep track of everything everyone tells you, and maybe my expectations are a little high because I usually have a great memory. Like nearly eidetic. Not just with big things but I’m able to recall the most mundane of details such as every outfit I’ve seen you wear, etc. Yes, I’d remember even if you were ugly.

You asked what I thought I learned from all this. Well, I learned that anyone can change, no one is necessarily who we think they are, and anyone is capable of just about anything. Even leading us on while they may not realize it or intend to do so.

What have you learned?

“It’s sad that when I push people away they just go and they don’t even try to stay.”

Aly “liked” this quote on Twitter. Who the hell is she kidding? Did I not try to stay? Or has she simply forgotten this already? Damn, I need to stop reading her tweets. God, give me the strength to ignore anyone from my past who may one day reach out to me, not that I expect them to. The sad thing is that I would probably be willing to talk to at least a few of them. Why am I still too forgiving? Andy and Paula no, but Nane, Maliheh, Aly and Stacey would still be hard to ignore if they ever contacted me, especially Aly and Stacey.

Because he’s more married to his job than me (and I don’t mean that in a bad way), we haven’t had a chance to swap the mattresses again. Besides, it said to let the new mattress pad lay out somewhere for a couple of days where it can have a chance to expand. Since today is his last day until Tuesday, we’ll swap mattresses when he gets home.

I just hope I feel well enough to do the floors this weekend!

Slept ok last night. Lungs were a little tight when I woke up, but relaxed later on. My throat is better today and my nasal allergies backed off as of yesterday now that I’m back on the spray. Not feeling anxious or fatigued today. I went on a 15-minute walk and will do another 15 minutes on the Bowflex.

The sun was warm and the air was cool. On the way back I was warm enough to take off my hoodie. I was surprised because it’s been so damn cold here. I said hello to a couple with a dog by the lake, and to Bob along the way. I also exchanged hellos with him a couple of days ago on the way to pick up the mail when he was taking down their Christmas lights.

Started another story, so that makes 3 unfinished ones. Maybe someday I’ll be able to focus better and for longer periods at a time. It isn’t always just a lack of concentration, but sometimes I do get busy with other things and I just don’t have the time.

Now that I’m caught up on my shows, I’m going to look for a new show to get into on Netflix when I’m eating or on the skier. The next season of Bates Motel is going to be added next month. This is good, but I hate having to try to remember where the story left off. Wish they would stop deleting things, too.

Three times today and three times yesterday I heard the park making their landscaping racket with their insanely loud blowers. I don’t understand why I have to hear this shit nearly every single day. Why do they need to do this more than once a week???

Good God, what am I going to do if I ever need medication for something that’s a matter of life or death since just about every single thing I take seems to cause problems?! Sure enough, I had to stop the Estroven because I awoke with an irritating tingling sensation in my throat and mouth. I looked online and found that this can happen, though it’s supposed to only be to a small percentage.

The sore throat I had on Tuesday was more consistent with a cold which my body fought off in less than a day as it usually does. But this feels more similar to a thing called thrush that kind of leaves this strange/gross sensation in your mouth, which I sometimes get if I stop eating yogurt.

I called the number on the box and spoke to a woman who said that this is “expected” to happen. Really? Because I swore I read online only 3% have this reaction. Either way, she couldn’t tell me if I would get worse or how long it would last, but I think it’s safe to say it’s not going to kill me. I gargled with saltwater and now all I can do is wait it out. I’m guessing it will be better tomorrow. This sucks big time because I think it really might have been helping with the anxiety and even making me sleep better. The insomnia was back last night and I was up for something like 19 hours, but I’ve been sleeping a little better overall. So now my anxiety may return and I’ll just have to tough it out on my own, wondering if it’s my thyroid pills, but pretty sure it’s the perimenopause while never knowing when it’s going to fucking end. I realize, though, that the sooner I let it come back, the sooner I can not only learn to adapt to it once and for all as horrible as it is, but it’s a great diet tool too, and I still have another 20 pounds to go, though I would settle for 15.

The only other thing I feel so far today is fatigue. My body is acting PMSy again, though I don’t know why. I just had a period less than two weeks ago. But my fatigue and hunger levels are up (though I’m not that hungry today), I’m retaining water, and my boobs are sore.

I began to feel a little anxious towards the middle of my day yesterday for about five hours and decided to skip my pill today in case there’s still a connection. I’m just tired of having to suffer one thing or another nearly every single fucking day of my life. Why can’t I just LIVE my life?!

Just got a message from Zaradhe. She confirmed that my stress test was normal, please schedule to see Doc A after my March labs, please consider another counselor, and am I on the shrink’s waiting list? They have cancellations, she told me.

When I turned around and called the Behavioral Health department, however, I was told the shrink doesn’t have any cancellations.

Argh, fuck this shit! I honestly don’t know how much more I can take! I burst into tears… what happened with Stacey, the anxiety, the perimenopause, the Estroven, the levothyroxine, the scary unknown… it’s all too much for me at times.

As for another counselor… I not only don’t know that I could trust one, but I honestly don’t know if one could help me any more than Stacey had before what happened between us happened, which not surprisingly, I didn’t receive an apology for. How much more can I learn about anxiety and the tricks to combat it? I’ve researched online. I’ve talked to the experts. I really think I’m doing all that can be done and that the only other thing that may help is to try to find a medication that’s not only helpful but that doesn’t have unacceptable side effects. Good luck to me with that one.

I’m still shocked, hurt and a little angry over Stacey, but doing better. This is the kind of shit you expect with the young and naïve. Not a 58-year-old therapist.

So I’m sitting here worrying and wondering about this and that, and then I got a reply from Eileen. I had asked her if she still wanted to stay connected on Facebook because I wasn’t hearing from her very often. Turns out her daughter’s husband tried to kill her last August and the guy is awaiting trial. The daughter has been in the hospital and trying to work to support two kids, so everyone’s both shocked and exhausted.

This made me realize that while things may be bad enough for me right now, they could be a lot worse. I’m so glad Tom and I said “no” to kids in the end. That would have been more people to worry about when it’s enough to worry about ourselves.

“Some days you’re up, some days you’re down.” Tammy recently told me this, and this is so true. She’s so right on that one! I haven’t had anxiety yet today but I sure have had my share of stress and frustration on top of the throat irritation and having to hear landscaping on and off all fucking day.

I had a dream I was in an expensive boutique. The two women that worked there, one older and a younger one appearing to be a lesbian, showed me various items and gave me the ridiculous price of each one. The lesbian let me have a one-piece pajama outfit for free that was so small it could only fit a toddler.

I hugged her for it and hoped that they would finally present some desirable items at a reasonable enough price as a way of showing my gratitude for the free item. I finally settled on a $12 bottle of nail polish, even if it wasn’t a great color.

Then I was in a restaurant and I started to leave without my purse (I seem to do that a lot in dreams). I went back and retrieved it and then I “skated” off down the street with Tom and some woman on what looked like a dolly.

In the last dream, Tom and I were discussing moving to Florida and whether or not it was something we really wanted to do.

Oh, I sure hope I survive to have that conversation someday.

Later…

I think that tomorrow I’m just going to start taking the levothyroxine as directed and stop trying to change, stop or control the anxiety. The anxiety was meant to be for a reason and the sooner I let it come back, the sooner I can begin to adapt to living with it. I mean this is me now. This is me. It may not be me every single day, but it’s something I’m going to experience regularly enough and it’s not going to go away for good anytime soon if it ever does. Tom reminded me that nothing stays the same, and while it’s logical to assume it’s not forever, I can’t know that for sure.

So if it was my thyroid meds making me anxious, the anxiety will soon return as I get regular again with my doses. If it was the Estroven that’s backed it off the last couple of days, then the anxiety is still going to return because I’m not taking that anymore. I just have to remind myself that it’s only a feeling and it can’t kill me.

Aly’s tweets are the usual stuff. Riddles and complaints that Kim’s not around as much. I think they must keep in touch daily on other sites, though.

I can’t believe someone threw a beer can on the side of our lot. This is the last place I would have expected that in a gated, upscale adult community, seemingly the runner-up luxury park in the area. There were even a few sips of beer left in it. I dumped it out and threw the can in the recycle bin.

It’s SO damn cold out there! Again I think I’ll work out indoors. Maybe I’ll just do that until February or March. LOL

Anyway, I didn’t have any anxiety yesterday and I had almost no lung tightness. No hot flashes either, though I did wake up warm a few times. Anxiety is still mostly at bay, but I don’t feel as calm as yesterday.

The sore throat I had yesterday is gone, but my nasal allergies are still acting up. It’s going to take a few days for my nasal spray to kick in. It’s not one of those as-needed things.

I was surprised to see that they did check my estrogen during my last round of lab work, as well as a CK test. First I thought this was something that was related to hormones, but according to our research, it checks to see if you’ve had a heart attack in the past. The numbers are up just a little bit, but nowhere near being worrisome.

We were looking up reference ranges for estrogen, and because different regions measure differently, we can only guess that yes, my estrogen is down since last August.

Later…

Stacey should get my letter today. I’m guessing it would be delivered anytime between something like 9:30 - 3:30. The question is when will she actually read it? She might not read it until she gets home, but my guess is that it will be read before she goes to bed.

There’s a tiny part of me that wishes she would call about it and even feel a little bad about it, but this is still more to get it off my chest than to upset her. I think if she feels anything at all she would be a little pissed. But contrary to Arizona’s beliefs, I have just as much right to express myself as anyone else, and I did it in a decent and legal way.

My guess is she’ll just file or toss the letter and I’ll never hear from her again, but at least I will have made myself heard to her, so I can move on without feeling like there’s any “unfinished business” between us.

I don’t know if the confidentiality laws extend to mail, but I would think that unless there were any threats, it would, not that I really care if she shares the letter with anyone. I would, however, prefer that none of my other doctors know about it. If Doc A asks me to elaborate on why I stopped seeing Stacey, I’ll tell her. Otherwise, it’s no one else’s business and I think it should be kept between Stacey and I.

In last night’s dream, I was sitting in the waiting room where a pharmacy was nearby. I sat next to a black guy and there were maybe about 10 people in the room.

The pharmacist, an older white guy, called me up to question me about my insurance or something like that.

I jumped up without taking my purse and told him to hang on while I grabbed my purse because I didn’t want anybody to snatch it. So I got the purse and returned to the counter where I had to squeeze in front of two ladies that were now present.

A large white woman started to complain about how I muscled around her, but I just ignored her.

Then I was complementing these colorful designs on a young woman’s shirt, which seemed to change at random. I asked how the design changed and the woman wearing it said that she was the one that changed the designs.

Then I made some ridiculous comments like, “Wouldn’t it be funny if it was used as toilet paper?”

Later…

I was just sitting here thinking about how great Stacey looked the last time I saw her. I never saw her look so good. Pretty sure she never wore that much makeup before. I might have seen her with mascara before, I’m almost positive I never saw lipstick on her before except for in her medical photo. I can’t help but wonder if she took extra care of making herself up for me. Maybe on some subconscious level, she wanted to really show me what I could never have, even for just a friend.

She should have read my letter by now. I’ve read it myself several times and I wonder if maybe it sounds a little too cold. Oh well. What’s done is done.

I found it a little ironic that I got a missed call which I traced to an individual named Lisa In San Francisco. Funny too, because she has a sister named Lisa in San Francisco. Wrong last name, though, unless she recently married.

I was also remembering how Andy once said that there had been some people he thought would make great roommates until he got to know them a little better and realized that no, they wouldn’t. I can kind of relate. I mean I get what he’s saying. It was easy to think that Stacey would be easy to live with and how she was oh so easy-going and all that, but now I think that she might actually be a bit pushy and judgmental about some things. I totally and honestly believe that Tom is the only man in the United States willing to support his wife. I don’t think anyone else out there could love anyone enough to accept and support my kind of sleep disorder and driving phobia, especially the sleep disorder, since that’s what’s essentially keeping me from working outside of the house. Maybe we really do have guardian angels of sorts, and maybe we’re really not given more than we can handle, because if it weren’t for Tom, what would I have done when they kicked me off the disability over 20 years ago? Now that’s an incredibly scary thought.

Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day, and today is starting off amazingly blissfully calm after sleeping better than I thought I would. Would I have felt this way without the Estroven? Or is the Estroven finally helping? I guess I may not know for a while… unless the anxiety kicks up sometime later on.

The better I feel, the more my appetite picks up. Last night I ate the house down while Netflixing. I’ve already gained back a pound so I’ve got to be careful. Still in training when I can be. Loving the muscle I see, but hating the craters. Again, shitty genetics. I had traces of them even when I was young and very skinny. Despite my flaws, my legs are now looking the best they’ve looked in their 51 years of life. Still have a good 20 pounds or so to lose, and that idea is still a little scary because of how my meds may affect me.

Meanwhile, I made the appointment I shouldn’t have canceled with the shrink, but unfortunately I’m on a waiting list and won’t be able to see her for nearly half a year. I was told that if I can get in sooner than May 25th, they’ll let me know. Why so damn long, though? Is there a shortage of psychiatrists, or are there that many anxious people around?

I updated my PCP about that, canceling Stacey, and starting Estroven. I asked her to let me know if there’s anything else she wants me to do in the meantime.

So now Stacey can sit and wonder why I canceled until tomorrow or the next day when she gets my letter.

Rachel (vigilante) said I should write the letter but not send it. They thought I should tell her directly and that dialogue would be good for us. Well, we had our “dialogue.” It’s just that after our last appointment I had time to reflect on things we discussed during that session, and then I decided to write the letter so that if I worded anything wrong I had a chance to edit it. Now we’re done with each other and it’s time to move on… even after the slightly worrisome dream I had last night.

In the dream, I woke up to tell Tom about a manuscript that the old lady in Texas sent me that I was all excited about, but instead there was some strange guy sitting in the living room. The only words I remember him saying were “police department” and “didn’t you know you were supposed to…”

The dream seemed like it might have taken place in the Phoenix house, and even though I immediately suspected Stacey was behind it, I played dumb all the way.

I didn’t write anything even remotely against the law, and I highly doubt anything up there would allow me to be screwed over by someone in which I knew their location. It’s always been people of authority or with a hold on me or that I didn’t know where they were that have coincidentally been given the privilege of fucking me over.

I’ve also been told that Xanax is addicting and often abused and that I should go with Buspar. They said it was safer and not habit-forming. I guess everybody is different because others say Xanax is helpful and non-addicting. For now, there’s nothing I can really do but hope the Estroven will help, and take a lorazepam as needed.

I agree with Cassie that melatonin likely induced the nightmares I had a couple of nights ago. That and Claritin D have been known to trigger nightmares.

I had another dream where I appeared to be very thin, might have been yelling at my PCP, and wrote in my blog that I needed less sleep than I did 20 years ago. I think there might be a grain of truth to that last one.

Anyway, my only complaint so far today is that I have a sore throat. I almost feel like I have a cold. Now wouldn’t that be just a real ray of fucking sunshine as opposed to anxiety? If it is a cold, my body will likely kill it by the end of the day. Remember, it kills things it’s not supposed to kill.

Here’s something interesting. I checked Dr. O’s Facebook to see if she may be out of town, since she has family in New York, though she has checked messages from there in the past. She’s listed as having 13 friends, though only 9 are visible to me.

Also, Alyssa’s “add friend” button is visible again. Did she recently make it that way to me to see if I’d try to get her to add me again? Or did she simply finally get around to declining my request, which would make it visible again?

Today has been better than yesterday, but as always, tomorrow may be as shitty as yesterday was. It’s gotten harder to enjoy the good times because I know they won’t last, but I’m still trying my best.

I slept better last night even if it was only for about five hours, and I don’t remember a single dream.

We were going to go treasure hunting at Goodwill, but when we saw how crowded the parking lot was we decided not to bother. Instead, we got gas and then picked up our groceries at Walmart.

Later…

Unwinding from what turned out to be a pretty good day. Started to get a little borderline, but overall I was okay. The big question is how I’ll feel tomorrow. This bipolar life has got to end soon!

I looked up the shrink I stupidly canceled that I was supposed to see before I saw A, and it turns out it’s a woman, not a man. Who the hell names their daughter Sufen? LOL, she’s Asian. I’m hoping that since she graduated college in Maryland in 1995 that she won’t have a fucked up accent that’s hard for me to understand. She’s got two 5-star reviews on Yelp and she’s ugly as hell. That’s all I know right now about her.

Tom and I went for a short walk at which time I put Stacey’s letter in the mailbox. She’ll get it on Wednesday or Thursday. Trying to imagine her reaction when she reads it, not that it matters. She’s going to take it however she’s going to take it and that’s on her, but if I had to guess, she’ll be pretty pissed. People just don’t like being called out on their shit, even if they’re guilty and they know it.

My mattress topper should be here tomorrow, and on Wednesday I’m expecting 72 salty caramel cappuccino K-cups. We also ordered new filters for the air cleaners.

Last night was an absolutely hellish night. I was up for about 20 hours. I felt horribly anxious and I slept just as horribly.

Towards the end of my day, I had the full spectrum light on to charge my keyboard and I wonder if that might have been what gave me a hard time falling asleep. Figures it could keep me up but not keep me on a schedule.

I finally took a melatonin at about 11 PM. These are 3 mg. It did nothing for me. As tired as I was I couldn’t fall asleep until around midnight and I kept waking up constantly from horrible dreams.

The worst dream was me walking out of the bedroom and into the living room where Tom was. I seemed to be disoriented. He looked at me with a mixture of concern and disappointment. Next thing I know he’s on the floor throwing up on all fours. Then he was saying that he thought he was having a heart attack.

I said I would call 911 and he said not to do that.

In another dream, I seemed to be totally alone. I guess I didn’t know Tom, and I might have recently gotten out of some jail or hospital. Charlotte and Jim were still alive and I called them. Jim answered and we started talking. He seemed friendly at first and then he asked who I was. Not realizing he didn’t know who I was up front, I told him my name and he said, “You’ve got the wrong number, buddy,” in a very cold tone before he hung up on me.

I then felt totally abandoned.

I got back up at 5:30 and felt just horrible. My weight hit a new low of 145.8. What would normally be exciting has gotten scary. I’m the one that used to have to bust her ass squeezing off 3 pounds a month, and now it’s coming off with little effort. Tom doesn’t think I’ve been eating that much, and while the anxiety has snuffed my appetite a bit, it seems like I still have more calories than I should to lose weight on some days. Maybe even most days.

So I got up and felt anxious, weak, dehydrated and hopeless.

I skipped my thyroid pill and had three chicken wings and a fruit cup. Then I woke Tom up and we talked. I took a lorazepam and fell back asleep until 11:30.

I want to hear from an expert as to whether or not my lower TSH alone could fuel my anxiety, so I messaged Dr. O.

A part of me is tempted to quit my thyroid medication forever because all my problems began after that entered the picture. But I’m still sure perimenopause has a hand in this as well. It’s just that Tom thinks it’s all that, along with Stacey having a big effect on me that basically shattered me by the way she led me to believe we would be friends, while I’m still suspicious of the pills.

The only thing missing from the equation is that my heart hasn’t raced or beat as hard nearly as much as it did the last two times I had problems on this medication. The “mindfuckers” aren’t present either.

But like I told Dr. O, the anxiety that feels more in the chest as opposed to the solar plexus, lack of appetite, weight loss, occasional runs and intermittent lung tightness, makes me wonder.

When Dr. O tried me on 88 mcg, I’m pretty sure I started around September 26th. It was October 29th when things really came to a head. That means that if it is the pills and I keep taking them consistently, I’m going to be in big trouble right after the New Year.

Not knowing for sure what’s causing what or how long it’s going to last is driving me absolutely crazy. It’s scary to think that this could go on for years. I don’t know that I’m strong enough to survive much more of this shit. My dreams alone tell me there’s no sunshine on my immediate horizon.

We canceled our plans to do the floors this weekend because of how shitty I feel. As Tom said, they’ll get done when they get done. The floors are the least of my concerns right now.

Next week I will cancel Stacey and reschedule the shrink. After the new year, I will update A and ask not only if she wants to see me sooner, but also about the Xanax that Tammy recommended. She said it’s not addicting and that it’s helped her tremendously with anxiety.

Stacey’s letter of explanation will eventually be sent as well. I’m doing it more to get things off my chest than because I feel I owe her an explanation. Still not going to report her because I don’t think she meant to do what she did, I can’t prove it anyway, and it’s just my word against hers.

Wonder if she’d be cited for misconduct and inappropriate statements had I secretly videotaped her? Only that’d be illegal and therefore not admissible. I almost feel like I’ve been “Johnsoned.” She kinda kicked me back a rung or two emotionally, but I will survive her. It’s the anxiety I’m not sure I can survive, regardless of what’s causing it.

The Rose Marie Rathbun account is back up.

Uh-oh. Just learned my nieces lost their grandfather. I’m assuming this is the guy in his 90s that was Bill’s dad. Again, sorry for the girls, but not “sorry.” Didn’t know the grandfather, though. Maybe he was a good guy, quite unlike his son.

I feel so bad for the women of Texas. Such a shit state. They cut free birth control from poor women. If they can’t afford birth control, how do they expect them to pay for the kids they didn’t want? And if they put them all up for adoption, who are all these people that are going to adopt them or that would even want to? Kids aren’t the in thing these days. It’s all about careers and making money. Not that I’d ever want to live in a country as fucked as India, but if I did, no one would ever question my lack of job and not driving. Ever.

Seriously, what’s wrong with this world? They’ll give the money they were funding the BC with to some other country.

My weight hit a new low of 146.0 yesterday. I’m already able to get around easier and even my joints have been better.

Rather than change Stacey’s positive review on Yelp to a mediocre one, I decided to simply delete it.

I’m getting backed up on things, so I’ll write more on Stacey later.

This is my third day on Estroven. Although it’s too soon to say whether or not it’s helping, I did sleep a little better last night.

I continue to suffer from on-and-off anxiety that is sometimes accompanied by a racing heart. Sometimes my chest feels tight and I go from hot to cold. Also, my muscles sometimes tense up and I tremble.

Decided to take this stable moment I’m having right now to catch up on writing. After hesitating a while, not wanting to put any more drama on Tammy’s shoulders when she has enough of her own, I finally decided to call her yesterday afternoon and she made me feel SO much better. She let me know she’s always there for me and that I can always call, and I really appreciate it. She’s had experience with a lot of the same shit I’m going through and I wanted to ask more about her experience with Estroven. The box said it could take up to a couple of months to feel the effects, Tammy said it was a week for her, but then some women may not benefit at all. I guess everyone’s different. It might be making me drowsy, though I’m not sure. Just in case, I’ll start taking it toward the end of my day when I go to eat for the last time. I do still get fatigued at times regardless.

Sometimes I get anxious and then I get frustrated because I got anxious which makes me depressed to the point of tears. The thought of possibly having to go through this for many more years to come is enough to make me want to scream. It’s like you don’t want to kill yourself but you don’t want to suffer either. Even though it shouldn’t be, I still worry the levothyroxine may be responsible for some of the anxiety, tightness and weight loss, especially since I tend to feel worse during the first part of my day. But I would still think that realistically, I’d be feeling a lot worse if it was the culprit, and more often.

The 22nd really sucked. First my meeting with Stacy didn’t go so well, then I was disappointed to find the new mattress was too firm, and then I went for my stress test.

The stress test was kind of fun and it went well. I was in and out quicker than expected, but hopefully we won’t have to go to this place again. Traffic and parking sucks in this location.

Tom was saying the other day how he misses Cigna, which we had down in Arizona. Everything was in one building, including the pharmacy. I agree. It was much better than having to go to different buildings in different towns.

So… at the cardiology department. Their goal was to bring my HR up to 169, but it just didn’t want to go over 166. Close enough, though. There was a nurse who took my blood pressure along the way, plus the technician.

Just like I was told it would, the treadmill increased in speed and incline at set intervals. I had to take off my shirt and bra and put on a johnny with the opening in front so that they could attach 10 different wires to my chest.

Everything looked good and my blood pressure did exactly what it was supposed to do. It started off normal, then the top number climbed to 30, then to 60, and then back to normal.

We ordered a 3” gel-infused memory foam mattress pad, and I hope it wasn’t a waste of additional money because I swear the new mattress looked fuller and felt plusher the next day. It gets better. We swapped mattresses temporarily, and then I decided to take my old mattress back until the mattress pad arrived, and I swear it’s not tilted anymore, LOL. But it does still sag a bit, and it would still fry my ass in the summer.

Last night I had this strange dream where I sent Doc A letters every now and then. Regular old fashion postal letters. I was talking to her in person and I asked her if she remembered me mentioning a certain thing (I don’t know what), and she smiled and said, “I don’t know. That was two or three letters ago.”

Then I was in “running school.” I was out on a field running with several other people. Then I went and called Tammy to let her know how I was doing there. A family-owned school and the area where the “student” phones were located was close to a couple of vending machines with notices on them saying they were off-limits. They were for the family only.

Then I noticed a leak nearby in some corner by a staircase and wondered if anybody else had noticed it.

Later…

I still haven’t decided if I’m going to see Stacey again (I don’t think so), but after discussing her in-depth with Tom, I feel a lot better at least where she’s concerned. Well, I still have 11 days to decide if I want to see her, see another therapist, or not see anyone at all.

If I cancel, though, I’ll call the main line and not her line. I thought about tipping her off by canceling on her line and letting her know a letter of explanation was on the way, but that would give her a chance to ignore it or let someone else handle it. Plus, she could spite me by saying I never canceled. I doubt she would do that, but I didn’t think she’d lead me on either, again, intentional or not.

I’m either going to bring the letter to her directly, or I’m going to cancel via the main line the day I drop the letter in the mail, then let her sit and wonder why I canceled without rescheduling while it takes a couple of days to reach her.

My visit with Stacey was awful, I didn’t get the chance to tell her a lot of what I wanted to tell her, and for the first time ever I left there feeling disappointed, confused, stunned and a little angry. Yeah, that inevitable “change” has finally occurred. It’s like a third personality emerged or something, and she’s the last person I would ever have expected to turn out the way she has. I don’t know if I want to keep our January appt. The trust has been shaken and I’m not sure she can help me any more than she already has since we both agree this is likely physiological. So much so that I finally got desperate enough to try Estroven. I just felt too lousy to care about possible side effects.

Stacey herself recommended black cohosh and evening primrose. She said something about a gynecological procedure (I don’t remember what she called it) she had a decade ago that stopped her periods, but that she has experienced panic attacks and she’s still getting hot flashes at times, even at 58 years of age. Not knowing how many more years of suffering I could be in for, I decided on the Estroven that Tammy said she took after her hysterectomy. This is supposed to help with many symptoms but can take a couple of months to really take effect if it’s going to help.

The pharmacist said it could be taken with levothyroxine, just not at the same time, of course.

Anyway, the Stacey I saw yesterday is definitely not the Stacey I saw last summer. I totally see her in a different light now, and I wonder if the Stacey I looked up to and admired really is who I thought she was. Maybe she has some issues of her own?

I noticed as soon as she led me to her office that she seemed different. Her tone of voice. Her mannerisms. Even her office was different.

I asked if she noticed the difference in my weight loss and she shook her head no and she shut the door.

The feeling deepened.

Nonetheless, I took a seat in my usual place, and this time she sat at her desk and occasionally took notes. This was a good thing too, because one of my lesser complaints is her not remembering half the shit I tell her. I get that she has a lot of patients and can’t remember everything everyone tells her, but it’s still frustrating having to repeat myself so much. I almost feel like I’m dealing with Andy all over again.

I told her that I was both disappointed and excited to see her, and I admitted that I developed a crush of sorts on her.

“Well, you kind of told me,” she said.

She looked the best I’d ever seen her look. I usually prefer straight hair to curly hair. She usually straightens her hair, but this time it was both longer and curly and looked fabulous. She had more makeup on than usual which hid some of her plainness. Between this and that great body, she looked fantastic. She usually dresses in black or blue. This time it was blue, and when I told her she told me her favorite color was blue in a dream, she did admit that blue was a color she’d been liking lately.

I asked her if I had shown up in any of her dreams, and she said she didn’t remember her dreams. This is inconsistent with her telling me that she’s had dream premonitions. Maybe she just has dream premonitions occasionally?

She told me that my crush didn’t bother her but that she was concerned for me because she didn’t know if it would make working with her easier or harder. As I told her, it shouldn’t make any difference. If someone can help me and be beneficial to me in any way, then it doesn’t matter what they look like.

Then I asked her if she ever would have called me if I hadn’t called her, and she said no because it wasn’t something they (therapists) did. This confirmed my feeling that something was up. Something had changed.

“Can I ask you something?” I said.

She nodded.

“The last time I saw you you seemed happy when I gave you my contact info (I left out the part about where she said she didn’t want me to get the wrong idea when she told me she didn’t read my blog because that’s just not something she did, but it will be in the letter I plan to either give or send her). Why?”

She appeared caught off guard at first and a little put on the spot as she searched her mind for an answer. A few seconds later she said something to the effect of, “Well, I thought it through. I just thought it was nice of you to share. It was done in a way where I didn’t feel spied on or followed.”

This answer makes no sense. Why would you feel “spied” on or “followed” because somebody gives you their contact info? I wonder if she has some way of knowing I’ve looked in on her, though I don’t see how. I did admit that I was curious enough to Google her, as people do all the time with whoever, and that I did know a lot about her.

“It’s pretty easy to do these days,” she said in a tone that suggested I wasn’t smarter than anyone else by coming up with that idea or any magical info that others couldn’t find if they really wanted to.

Then she said something about how the last time I left I gave her every impression that that would be it and she only called me because I asked her to, which is true, and I appreciate it. What I don’t appreciate is the sudden change in her, but I still swear by what I saw. She gave me every indication that she liked me just as much as I liked her. The body language was there, the things she said, the way she said them, etc. I couldn’t be that bad at reading people all of a sudden.

It’s like there are three Staceys. There’s the first one who was quiet, easygoing and professional. There’s the second one that was bordering on flirtatious, or at least suggesting that my fondness for her was welcome and mutual. And then there’s this third one… distant, cold, telling me I’m never going to get the “outcome” I want.

But that’s just the thing. I never had any expected plan or outcome, though I did have hopes. I didn’t really think we would be lovers or friends, but I had hoped for at least some ongoing phone or digital communication either between appointments or after I finally managed to pull my ass out of Anxiety Land for more than five minutes. She gave me every indication to think that that’s what would have happened by her reaction when I gave her my contact info. That we would keep in touch.

I’m 51 years old and I still don’t know better. Yes, I blame myself just as much as I blame her for the mixed signals. I really would have appreciated it if she had just told me she couldn’t call me when I gave her my contact info. Would that really have been so hard? This is why I hesitate to have friends.

Maybe she really did feel something (I still stand by what I saw/heard), but then it scared her once she realized things could end up going too far, at least in her mind.

All I know is that her behavior is weird and I think it borders on inappropriate. On the flip side, I still think she’s a fantastic counselor. I think the EMDR has prevented me from having additional panic attacks, and sometimes the tapping still helps, too.

She got a kick out of how well-worded my description was of my old life versus this life where I wondered how my life got so bad when I was poor, and how I now wonder how it got so bad without being bad.

She asked if I thought I ended my sessions too soon, if I thought the past poverty was haunting me or my childhood, and I honestly don’t know, though I doubt it. I told her I did have a strange memory that could really be just a dream that I’m remembering, and asked if she worked on memory recall and how you could know if the memory was real or not. She said something like, “You don’t always know, but I’m pretty intuitive.”

She told me she thinks I had a horrible mother but that my problem is mostly physiological, and I asked her if she thought there could be anything else going on. She said she doesn’t know.

My guess is that there probably isn’t.

What else… her sister’s also going through menopause, being home alone so much can’t be good for me, Florida might be good for me, traveling might be good for me, etc.

I’ve got to learn from now on that no matter how obvious someone’s attraction/fondness for me appears, it doesn’t actually mean anything and I need to just ignore it. Why have I gotten this kind of shit from women for so long? Act like they like me and want to keep in touch, then become a totally different person to the point that you would never guess that they acted that way. If you don’t want to keep in touch with someone then why act like you do?

Our meeting might explain the plane crash I survived in my dreams the night before. We took off somewhere, then all of a sudden things got oddly quiet and we crashed into a shallow body of water. No one was hurt and I didn’t even seem all that scared.

In other words, she’ll let me down but I’ll survive?

I also swear I had another negative dream about her right before I saw her, but I’m not sure what it was about.

I came home depressed and tired and unsure if I should bother seeing her again. I have an appointment scheduled for January 4th. I have drafted a letter containing my thoughts to her, which as I told her, I chose to write so that I can edit it in a way I think is most understandable. I went over and over in my mind whether or not I should cancel the appointment and how to get the letter to her. I asked Tom if I should continue seeing her and he said if I thought I needed to talk to a therapist, I should see her.

Well, I don’t see the need to report her, but I do think some of her behavior wasn’t appropriate. So I decided to leave it to fate. If I can make the appointment I’ll hand her the letter, ask that she read it afterward (it’s over 1550 words) and then be the one to decide whether or not we should continue. If I have to cancel the appointment I’ll mail it to her at work. I’m 90% sure she’ll drop me either way, though.

The question I’ve asked myself after reading the draft several times is… could this letter get me into any kind of trouble?

I honestly don’t see how it could.

Also, could she have the power to spite me if it angers her in any way? I realized that anyone can change, no one is necessarily who we think they are, and anyone is capable of just about anything. I don’t think it would, but if it did piss her off, she could cry suicide on my behalf. She could call the police saying I threatened to kill myself over the phone or something and there would be no way to prove otherwise until phone records could be checked and verified. Hopefully, she would be smart enough to think it through and realize that even if she was initially believed, a lie like that could be proven eventually. God fucking help her if she ever did anything like that, but I think she’ll just read the letter, file it away, and end our sessions.

Since we were on the subject just yesterday, I checked out her house again. It’s big and nicer than I realized at first, and I think it’s a two-car garage, not a one.

Here’s one of those rare cases I feel jealousy kicking in as I did with Alyssa. Stacey’s life may not be perfect and she may not always feel great, but she seems to be a very capable person who has it all. Beautiful home, a husband who can obviously perform since they’ve got a kid, the right to choose if she wanted that kid in the first place, the ability to drive, keep a schedule, and have a great paying career. On top of that, she looks great for her age, though maybe a bit frail.

I really wonder if she hasn’t read my blogs like she said she hasn’t. It just seems like it would be so hard to resist the curiosity, especially now that she knows I like her, but I would be even more surprised if she hasn’t checked my Facebook profile.

Also, I noticed the sudden jump in Florida and Texas visitors. She has family in both states. But they don’t appear to have gone to Blogger, though. Just Prosebox. I don’t think my Prosebox account could be found that easily unless you’re really good at finding people’s accounts.

Seeing Stacey in 7.5 hours. Exciting! I just wish I’d slept longer because I’ll be up for something like 14 hours by the time I hit the treadmill in O’s building.

My new mattress came and I guess we’ll set that up either between appointments or before Stacey.

I can’t help but wonder… is she as excited to see me as I am excited to see her?

I’m just tired of suffering. My anxiety was low yesterday, but I had crying spells and my lungs were quite tight at times. So much so that I had pain in my upper back. Once again I started worrying about my medication, but upon reading through last year’s journal, I found that I had a TSH of 8.34 and said I was feeling great.

Didn’t have great dreams last night, though. We were on a plane when all of a sudden things got oddly quiet. Fortunately, we had just taken off and were able to land without injury and a shallow body of water. I wasn’t as scared as you would think I would be.

Then there was something about having to cut a vacation somewhere short. I don’t know why we had to end it but I was a little bummed out because it seemed to be fun.

I don’t know how long it will last, but today I feel the best I’ve felt in days. I’m wondering if it’s because this kick-ass period is finally winding down or because Stacey is now just 26 hours away. Probably a little of both. More like 25 hours away, actually. So disappointed and so excited! LOL

I know she was in my dreams last night, but I don’t remember what it was about.

I’m still having a little trouble focusing, but I’m doing my best to keep up with things. Once the sun comes up a little more I’ll do some cleaning. Maybe I’ll get back to my editing projects, and go for a walk. Of course tomorrow I’ll be doing plenty of walking during the stress test.

A bag of mandarins was left by the back door and we’re guessing that it’s from the park since they appear to be store-bought and there was no card included.

For the first time in years, I laid in bed yesterday morning with my phone nearby actually praying to God or anything that might listen for Stacey to please, please hurry up and call. My anxiety wasn’t the worst in that my heart wasn’t racing, but I still felt anxious enough. I remembered that the last time she called me to reschedule an appointment was around 9:30. I was hoping she’d check her messages as soon as she got to her office at 8:00, and call me before her first appointment of the day which I think starts at 8:30.

By 9:15 I was worried she might be on vacation but had forgotten to update her outgoing message, even though this seemed unlikely. And then… my ringtone was literally like music to my ears. I was so relieved she called!

She started off with something like, “Hi Jodi, this is Stacey A call—”

“Oh, thank God!” I cut her off with, and she laughed. So we spoke for a while and that alone made me feel SO much better. Although it’s with mixed emotions, I’ll be seeing her in just 2 days. I’m amazed she got me in THAT fast, but seriously appreciative. My anxiety has been like a regular little yo-yo and it’s getting old.

Part of me wishes I had our conversation recorded so I could replay it to see if I still perceive her tone of voice the same as I remember it to be. Did she really sound “unchanged?” Did she really seem happy to hear from me?

It’s just that I can’t help but remember that counselor from back east – Debbie, I think her name was – who gave me mixed signals before she dumped me. She and Stacey may be two different people, but I hope she doesn’t change, so to speak. I just have to be careful what I say and how often. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.

When I first started with, “Oh, thank God,” I didn’t expect her to laugh. I thought she would have that lower-pitched, professional voice she started off with and kind of give an “oh,” of sorts that almost sounds like a grunt or a snort, then ask what was up.

My quick chat with Stacey got me feeling so much better that I was so wound up that I was unable to sleep, so I took lorazepam so I wouldn’t lay there forever. I feel better but still not good. I’m also still mostly sure that it’s the perimenopause and not my medication, but there’s still a tiny part of me that worries and it is, or that I somehow developed a freak anxiety disorder that I’m stuck with for life. Although I haven’t had the kind of mindfuckers the higher dosage gave me, I am having tightness on and off, which can also be a symptom of perimenopause. Again, it’s hard to distinguish when different things mimic the same symptoms. I turn the big air cleaner up which I sometimes forget to do. It’s just been way too cold to air the place out.

She was so funny because she kinda spoke in a way that sounded both goofy and cheery yet she wasn’t without empathy and understanding for what I was going through. If making the appointment can make me feel so much better, imagine how much better the actual appointment will make me feel. And yeah, I’m going to ask if she can keep me on as a regular for a while. I can’t even keep my ass out of Anxiety Land for a year.

The rest of the conversation went something like this:

Me: I was doing so well for so long.

Her: Oh, great.

Me: The plan was to call you in a couple of months, but first my sister had a heart attack.

Her: Oh, vey.

Me: She did survive and they put stents in her arteries, but the whole thing is scary. They’re going to do a stress test on me, and even though I think I’m still heart-healthy, I worry about this.

Her: Ayayay.

Me: One of my rats died…

Her: Aw.

Me: Things were going so well. I went vegan and lost a noticeable amount of weight.

Her: Wow!

Me: But then my anxiety came back and just when I thought I signed out of Bleederville for good after 3.5 months without a period, I get slammed full force with one. I asked a cyber friend who’s been through it if the anxiety can take a few months off and then return, and she said it could.

Her: Yeah, it can.

Me: Sometimes I even end up crying over nothing and everything. Tom suggested I call you a few days ago, and I wanted to but was afraid you would be disappointed in me.

Her: Oh no, anybody’s anxiety can return.

(Even though perhaps I shouldn’t, I still feel like a wimp. I’m just surprised and disappointed with this setback)

Her: Would you like to come in this week?

Me: Definitely. I could hug you for that.

Her: (a laugh?)

Me: I’ve missed you and I’ve thought of you every day, but this is not what I wanted. Despite the mixed emotions, I look forward to seeing you.

The only thing that struck me as odd was that she asked for my DOB. Again, if she likes me, wouldn’t she be curious to know this and have looked it up a long time ago?

Shortly after I hung up with Stacey, her secretary called to bump me up to 9:30, saying she would be out of the office at 8:30, which was when she scheduled me. 9:30 will be fine. It still gives us time between my stress test, which will be at 2:30.

Why did she schedule me at 8:30 if she knew she would be out of the office, and how come it wasn’t her who called back to reschedule?

I slept 9.5 hours and surprisingly I’m still a little out of it today. Maybe that’s because I’m still bleeding like a faucet. I’m also having a horrible time focusing. Concentration is usually a challenge for me because of my ADD, but it seems worse. My mind is racing like crazy. I’m excited to see Stacey, but I’m worried for myself.

Later…

Had to stop writing because I started feeling shitty. My lungs became tight, I was going from hot to cold, anxious, trembling, weak, and then I had a crying fit, prayed to God for whatever it was worth, and then all of a sudden I was fine. At this moment – in this very moment that I write these words – I actually feel normal. Tired but normal. I know it won’t last long, and I doubt prayer had anything to do with it, but I have noticed a pattern. I seem to feel best toward the end of my day. So what am I going to do from now on… suffer the first 10-12 hours of my day before I get a few hours of relief?

How I still wish I could wind back the hands of time to before this ever started and before I had any idea it was possible to even feel this way! How I wish I had more straightforward problems if I had to have them! Earaches… toothaches… colds… all so simple compared to this. There’s no mystery involved with those things, and you can usually see an end in sight.

I was reading back on past problems from years ago that seemed like the end of the world at the time. Yet I hadn’t seen anything yet. The real suffering had yet to begin.

I turned the large air cleaner up in the living room, hoping it would help my lungs. I can’t believe it could be that effective this fast, but I really should leave it on high more often. It’s just that I like to enjoy the peace of the night when I’m on nights.

In last night’s dream, I was in some house somewhere and it seemed like my MIL and SIL might have been there. They appeared to be upset with me and were giving me the cold shoulder. I couldn’t figure out why.

I went into a bedroom and started making a bed that was mine with floral sheets. Then I proceeded to head into the bathroom.

“Someone’s in here,” my MIL said, and I quickly backed out of the room.