So where two days ago was bad, I would describe yesterday as semi-bad, and today much better. I even slept better and didn’t wake up with a racing heart. Between the end of my day yesterday and now I have felt okay, though I’m starting to feel a little off.

My boobs are also a little sore and I have slight cramps.

Christine confirmed that the perimenopause symptoms aren’t consistent, which is what I’m now guessing this is since the symptoms aren’t as extreme as when I had high thyroid, and I’m not experiencing a couple of the symptoms I had then. Plus, there are my numbers to consider, and I really shouldn’t have any problems on this dose at this point. Hot flashes, racing heart, butterflies in the stomach… that’s what I’m experiencing for the most part.

Things really have shitty timing in life. Because I saw that my TSH was lower right after my stomach went on the fritz and my heart started racing a bit, I thought it was the meds. It still could be, but it seems unlikely at this point. Especially since you really don’t get any days off when you go thyrotoxic. The symptoms are much more extreme, relentless, plentiful and downright severe. Being high on thyroid will “mindfuck” you as well as affect you physically. Where you can get grumpy and maybe a bit depressed going through perimenopause, having too much thyroid makes you feel fearful. Because I’m not having that or any lung tightness, I gotta go with perimenopause. I’m just tired of never having any sure, concrete answers! To assume isn’t the same as knowing, and this is just fucking ridiculous. I don’t know if I’m going to be tortured at random on and off all my life or not. If it’s perimenopause, then I could have another 7.5 years of intermittent torture. Do you know how bad that makes me want to scream?

It’s such a huge disappointment after doing so well for so long. No wonder I was feeling like things were too good to be true.

My doctor is on vacation until after the New Year and her nurse, Zaradhe, is answering her messages. Zaradhe told me that after my stress test, they might consider ordering me a heart rhythm monitor that you wear and press every time you have symptoms. My guess is that I’m still heart-healthy, but this might be a good thing to look into.

Every time I get excited about not having to have any appointments for a few months, things come up and more are added. Like something up there wants to keep the appointments going. I now need to follow up two weeks after the echocardiogram with Dr. A to discuss the results and the heart monitor, plus I might be seeing Stacey, something I have mixed emotions about for reasons I’ve already mentioned.

I left Stacey a message at 4:15, but I never heard back from her, even though she didn’t mention being out of the office in her outgoing message. It was definitely her low-pitched, soothing, sexy, almost husky voice I heard, and that voice definitely didn’t say her hours had changed.

So yeah, mixed emotions. So much for my Valentine’s call, though life is never what we plan it to be. I would rather see her under happier circumstances, but it’s nice to know she’s there for me when I need her.

I’m still not sure whether I would prefer to see her just at her office or anywhere else. I’d love to be her friend and for her to be mine, but I have my hesitations about that. I just wish I knew what she was open to. I think that would help influence my decision, though to be honest, I’m open to pretty much anything. Even though I would miss her, I would be okay with it if I knew I would never see her again. At the same time, I like the idea of seeing her (wherever) every few months or so because she seems to really help keep me going. Not that Tom doesn’t do a fine job on his own of that, but she lends an extra hand that really enhances that, if that makes any sense.

Although this may be a silly thing to think and I know she wouldn’t judge me for it, just like Tom said she wouldn’t, I worry about her being disappointed in me for having this setback. I think psychologically if I knew I had an appointment with her to look forward to every few months or so, it might help even more. I really do enjoy our chats, attracted to her or not.

They had a Christmas party at work. They actually rented time at a place called Dave and Buster’s where they have a lot of cool games. They gave him a gift card we can both use some time, plus a restaurant gift card and a movie theater gift card. We haven’t gone to the movies in years and I can’t believe anyone still does.