I returned home yesterday around 10:00 in the morning. All of us had gotten up at 7:30 that morning. I had had only 4 hours of sleep. It was never as hard as I thought it would be to get up the whole time I was there. My sleeping hours varied from 4-8 hours a night. Usually, it was 6 hours. I’ve got to be careful now as I got up at 4:30 this afternoon. I went to bed last night at around 2 AM. All that running around and constant activity and lack of sleep caught up to me. I’m not used to getting up early in the morning so many days in a row.

Kim quit her job at New Medico and may be returning to Baystate rather than Mercy Hospital. She said that starting January 6th, she’ll never be home. I told her she never is anyway. She currently is working 3 days a week but has a billion other activities. She said she did this as she figured (along with Tammy and me) that I’d be moving on January 2nd. I wonder why she makes it a point to try to never be home? Could it be cuz of Mark? I don’t know, cuz she’s always complaining about how she never sees him.

Well, I think I’ll write more about my visit with Tammy, Bill, and the girls later. Believe me, I have lots to write. I had a lot of fun, yet at the same time, it’s cool to be home.

I’m gonna go and listen to music and watch some videos they’ve lent me. Also, Kim’s home.

Today was the Thanksgiving dinner which was very nice. Tammy’s a swell cook.

Bill’s sister and niece were here and they’re both very nice. It has been quite some time since I’ve last seen them. At one point, Tammy, Etta (Bill’s sister) and I discussed the funny and creative parts of my phone calls, told jokes and Etta even heard a part of the edits. She also saw my drawings.

I’ve had more fun than I’d anticipated. It was great playing with the girls and seeing all their toys and stuff.

I just got a bunch of new markers. They were supposed to be for one of those geometrical design drawing books, but we couldn’t find any at the mall. We also could not find Gloria’s songbook. It seems as if no one has it. I can’t understand why. I got 32 markers though. I got 16 skinny ones and 16 fat ones. Even though I was unable to find my design book, I’m sure I can find plenty of other uses for these markers.

Lastly, I got two new and very beautiful journals. They’re just as nice as this one, which I consider my best except they have no gold trim.

I’ll probably wait till I get home before I really write. I mean, about my visit here along with other stuff. That way I’ll have privacy and will be able to concentrate a lot better.

I only hope and pray to God I move soon, but still, what kind of life will I have? Will I ever meet anyone? I’m gonna miss my apartment so much and even now, I’m feeling a little homesick.

Believe it or not, I just let Tammy read part of this journal. She asked if she could and when I asked why she said it was so she can understand my thoughts. I figured that half of the stuff she’d never understand or couldn’t relate to. She and I are two totally different people. Our dreams, goals, wants, needs, personalities and ways of life. I’m a conversationalist and an open person. Of course, I have my moods but I like to laugh as much as I can. I like to try and not take things so seriously if I can. If a person can’t understand something I say, I give up right then and there.

Tammy’s really changed the place around since I was last here. It looked smaller than I remembered when I arrived here. Probably cuz she’s gotten a lot more stuff. Plants and knickknacks and all kinds of stuff. Also, it probably appears smaller as I moved to a place much bigger.

I’m lying here on my bed while I write. Shadow is lying next to me. I’ll miss him when I’m gone. He’s not used to not having me around, so I’ll have to cat-proof the place. Meaning anything he can destroy will need to be put in drawers or closets. Poor little guy. Kim’s going to feed him and play with him. Also, she’s gonna grab my mail for me. I still have some last-minute things to do before I go. I’ve got to finish making my Chanukah banner and pack some last-minute items. Things like my CDs, meds, drawing stuff and this journal if I do not finish it in time. I still have to change Shadow’s litter box.

Tammy said we can leave anytime we want but to call her when we’re on our way. I’m on antibiotics that make me drowsy so I hope I’ll sleep a few hours before we leave. It’s damp, rainy, miserable weather out and that may make it easier to sleep. I also played a little guitar last night which also helped me to relax. I’ll also need to take a shower before I leave as my hair needs to be conditioned. I also want to straighten my hair out, do my nails and shave. I’ve shaved my calves and under my arms but I want to shave my thighs. I will set the VCR to record In the Heat of the Night and Law & Order. Tammy says there’s a TV downstairs so I can watch what I want down there. But if I’m busy, that’s the show I’d not want to miss most of all.

At 8:00 or 9:00 tonight, it’d sure be nice to sleep till 4:00 or 5:00. I know that’s wishful thinking, though.

Only another two days before I get the hell out of this cage. Don’t get me wrong, though. There’s only so much of being around people I can take. Therefore, when it’s time to come back, I’ll be happy about it. Not for too long though. Eventually, I’ll be climbing the walls again in utter boredom. Especially if I do not move by Jan. 2nd. Of course, I’ll be up all fucking night long so I’ll write and sit here waiting till Andy calls. That’ll be any minute now.

I thought Kim was coming over to read Andy’s letter. Oh, of course not. 98% of the time she’s busy, tired, working, sleeping or on the phone. I do appreciate her picking up my refills, though.

As much as I like Kim and admire her in several ways, remember what I always said? I give what I get. And even though I don’t expect to be with her all the time, she led me to believe we’d be doing more things together. I feel very abandoned even though she had her own problems. She knows how I feel, too. We’ve talked and I know she hates her job and has been overburdened by Bob. She’s going to be quitting her job, though. We’ve discussed many things and I am so happy about the many things she’s done for me. She really has helped me out here and there, mainly with money. But at the same time, she knew what she was doing from day one. She knew what she’s told me. She’s abandoned me since day one. As much as I have numerous things to be grateful for, I must give her what she’s given me. That is to abandon her 100% when I move. I’m sorry but I’ve got to do it. Within reason, I treat others as they treat me. She is, however, a character I will never ever forget and am very lucky to have really gotten to know. Kim and I have many ideas, philosophies, and interests in common yet she is the complete opposite I usually never get. She is that so-called “up there” and “decent” person I never could get as a friend, one-nighter, or a lover. I am accepted by people like her once in a lifetime and I know I’m good enough and deserve her type now. However, people like her will no doubt continue to draw false or harsh conclusions about me. I know that and I accept that but that’s their problem and I know the truth. There are a lot of facts I’ll never be able to change but I’ll never take them to heart.

There are two different numbers that give you your horoscope and the bulk of the things they say are true. However, since they’re talking about people of my sign in general, some things are a little off. They said not to spend the holidays entirely with my family. Do I have a choice?

Andy just called and we were just starting to chat when his neighbor Laurie came over. He’s gonna give me my one-ring signal later.

I’ve got to get a battery pack for my cordless phone Kim gave me. She said she’d pick one up as she was going to the phone store they’re sold at but never did. Even though they cost around $8, from what she told me, I’ll pick it up myself. Just giving me that phone along with other stuff she didn’t want is so generous. It’ll be a while before I can afford to buy it, but when I do, they’re supposed to last up to a year.

I am so pissed! Why oh, why can’t I fucking fall asleep? I know I’ll be up till 4:00 or 5:00. I used to like being a night person and now I hate it. If I absolutely had to get up at the same time every day, I’d only sleep for 4 hours or so. I am exhausted, though. I’m drop-dead tired. So then why can’t I sleep? I don’t want to take up sleeping pills. You need more and more of those to knock you out as time goes on, they’re addicting too, and you also need to take an upper to wake up in the morning. I’m so fucking pissed!

Later...

I had a bite to eat and listened to some tapes and CDs for a while. It is now time for me to try my damnedest to fall asleep. I know the main part of the problem is the Theodur besides being a night person. Perhaps I didn’t have enough coffee. You know how that is for a hyperactive person. It reverses more or less. Four cups a day helps a lot usually. A calmer person would only become more revved up by 4 coffees. Right now I’m not energetic or upset about anything in particular.

I sure as hell can’t write worth a damn when I’m exhausted. I hate being so tired yet unable to sleep, so if anything’s ticking me off at the moment, that’s it.

The only issue in my life right now besides singing or sex is my tapes. It’s like losing a very big and special part of me and my life. No one else could ever understand that for the life of them cuz they do not know me and my life. Or the people I know and the experiences I’ve had. I understand that, but it is not up to anyone else to judge me. Not cops or doctors or lawyers or teachers or the lowest of all low lives on the earth. If I heard the tapes and did not know anyone on the tapes, I too would think, are these people crazy? What are they talking about? What does all this gibberish mean? Nonetheless, it is a big part of my life they’ve snatched from me which is totally wrong and unfair with or without me making those phone calls. Other than making prank phone calls, I have a right to tape whoever the hell I want to in the privacy of my own home. No matter if I’ve done something wrong or I’m a sweet little angel, some kind of authority figure is always snatching away the things I love and are important to me. Either that or it gets stolen or broken. I no longer respect cops the way I used to. Some yes, but mainly I will always carry a huge resentment towards them in general. I will always feel anger.

Later...

I have only 6 minutes to write as I promised Andy I’d call him back. He ran out to grab a burger and some smokes. God, is he ever miserable! Even though PHX is much cheaper than New England, he’s having severe financial problems. He took a test for AT&T with 30 people. Only one passed the test and it wasn’t him. He may go apply at another Denny’s but he’s sick of the graveyard shift. He too, is getting fed up with being a night person.

As far as relationships go, our desires have completely changed.

Speaking of Andy, he just called saying that after we hung up, he checked his voicemail. He had 4 messages and had to call everyone back. So now, he’s gone out to get his burger and his pack of cigarettes. I told him that when he’s ready to call, let it ring once. I’ll call him back at that point.

Damn! With all the long-distance calls and the 900-number calls I’ve made, I better get the hell out of here in January!

Besides the boring, isolated no life I have here, I hope and pray I get a nice place and get out fast.

Besides Andy’s money problems and missing me, he’s so lonely. All his life he never wanted love but now he’s wanting a full-time lover. He’s now willing to share a bed every night with the right person and do all the things lovers do. All my life I thought I’d pretty much get someone and keep them and hang onto them for life or as long as possible. That was what I once wanted until I found out all I want, need and can handle is sex. We both are so picky and are attracted to straights. That is one desire I’m proud, relieved, happy and content with after all the desires I wish constantly I could change. Wanting only sex, I mean. Both of us have moved to places we thought we’d be happier in when in fact we’re a zillion times more miserable. The only plus for him is the cheaper and nicer apt. The only plus for me is this beautiful apt. and the area. At least I can go to the store without a drug dealer asking me to buy or sell drugs.

Later...

I just called Tammy to tell her how pissed off I am that I couldn’t fall asleep till 4:00 in the morning. I had set my alarm for 10:00 but didn’t get out of bed till almost 1:00. Even if I did get out of bed at 10:00, I’d still be up till 4:00 or 5:00.

Peter showed the apartment today to a young couple.

I’ve finally gotten my long-awaited letter from Andy. He sent 3 pictures of himself along with a coupon for my coffee. I got some cigarette coupons, too. Also, a concert review of Gloria’s from the concert Andy went to. Getting his letter was great and it was really thoughtful of him to send the other stuff, but what about my photos? I’m thinking, aw shit! Now I gotta wait another 6 months for those? I told him I’ve waited long enough. I didn’t give them to him, and other people want to see them. I’m never lending another thing of mine to anyone and I know now for sure, I’ll never get my bathing suits from Jessie. Fine. She can have them, but our friendship is over and she’s out of my life.

One other thing I forgot to mention that Andy sent me. An article on how Gloria should wear longer dresses to cover up her chunky legs. Then she was compared with some other girl who they said had a dynamite figure. The only thing negative in her concert review was the Bacardi Breezer commercial shown on the big screens. They said, who wants to pay to see commercials? Also that Whitney Houston has better pipes than Gloria.

Later...

My show Reasonable Doubts with the good-looking deaf actress Marlee Matlin, who uses sign language, is not on tonight due to a movie. Bummer. The movie’s boring, too.

Fran isn’t home and he hardly ever is lately. He spends a lot of time at that girl’s house. The one he works with.

Kim dropped off my refill for Alupent and Theodur as well as an antibiotic called Augmentin. I’ve heard of it before and I sure hope it isn’t one of the ones that played with my stomach. Tammy says she’s taken it before with no problems. Tammy also said that her niece, as well as a friend of hers, has that gas problem in their stomachs, too. It is common, the doctor and she told me. They just take these lactose tablets that look like little wafers. They do not cause side effects or counteract with any medicines.

A few days ago, I got my period and had annoying cramps. Not to the point where I thought I’d die, but Kim gave me two Advil and contrary to my doubts, it killed my cramps. It has Motrin in it. I’ve had that before.

Kim says she’ll see me later to read Andy’s letter. Right now Kim’s busy with her friend Michelle who’s pretty, and of course, straight.

Later...

I am so bored right now it makes me sick. I plucked my eyebrows a little bit but not too thoroughly. It’s harder than all hell to try to do it on yourself. I threw some Hydrocortisone cream on my face. It is absolutely the best stuff I have ever used for zits. Also, Dr. L said that that’s what I should be using on my ear when it gets all red and irritated. Not antibiotic cream. Why do I always have to go through so many different doctors and wait so long for correct answers? Using the hydrocortisone cream is helping a lot so far.

I’m getting horny again and wish once again, I could fulfill that dream of going to bed with someone I’m turned on by. I know it’ll never happen but I’m only human. It comes and goes in phases. The last 5 days or so I’ve really had no desires. Of course, coming home from a gay bar makes me lose my appetite for a while. It’s disappointing. Once you’ve seen one gay woman (butch) you’ve seen them all. And, of course, the few that are fairly decent looking aren’t interested in me. Lastly, the ones who are very good-looking are straight. Oh well. You just can’t change destiny. That’s why nowadays I don’t 100% believe in negative or positive. I believe more in meant to be or not meant to be. I’ve gone into situations before numerous times, be it a band or music-related or women-related with a positive, determined and confident attitude, and failed. Yes, I know that’s life and everyone goes through it, but too many times is too many times. I feel like such an ass for believing I was gonna make it as a singer someday. How wrong I was in believing connections would come easier once developing my voice. How wrong I was in believing that growing and maturing and working on my looks would make meeting a woman easier. Especially when you don’t want a relationship, and believe me most people don’t. Men don’t want relationships more so than women, but overall, male or female, sex is THEE thing. You just have to be a hell of a lot more careful and cautious cuz of AIDS.

I went to see Dr. Leitch this morning. God knows how the hell I got up, but I did.

I just realized I forgot to get a note from them to give to my probation officer. Tomorrow I’ll call them and ask them to mail me a note. I also have to call Cassandra and reschedule our Monday evening appointment.

I had a little chat with Nervous today and I guess not much has changed in his life. I wish he could see this apartment before I leave it.

I hope I get to sleep within a few hours. I want to keep my schedule somewhat normal. Peter will be showing the place tomorrow at 2:00. There sure will be a difference. It’s going to be a lot emptier looking in here since I threw all my knickknacks in the closets. I’ve really got to start rounding up more boxes if I’m definitely out of here on January 2nd.

I really want to check out trailer homes in trailer parks in CT. It’d be a nice change for a girl who loves variety and living in different places. It’d feel like I was at the beach or on vacation or on tour. Tammy tells me she’s checked into it and they’re too expensive. They’re the rent-to-own deal. Since I can’t create my own perfect dream home with a snap of my fingers with a pool, dance/gym room, I wish I could pick up this apartment and move it with me. I’ll probably end up in the same old apartment in an apartment-building type deal. There’ll be many apartments above, below and around me. I wish I could at least afford a duplex. I really like those.

Dr. Leitch refilled my meds and did a check-up on me. I am wheezing a bit more again and have been tight in the chest than I should be. That weather change really did a number on me. I complained about the very bloated gut that I have before during and after my period. He mentioned gas and certain symptoms that go along with it. I said that that’s what I’ve figured was the problem now for quite some time. I’ll be going for a lactose tolerance test on Dec. 9 and he says my problem is quite common. It isn’t at all dangerous or potentially fatal like asthma, but it sure is a royal pain. He said a pain in the butt. I said no, a pain in the gut. Why though, didn’t someone take care of this problem and do this test a long time ago? Oh well. Better late than never in this case. That’s for sure.

I haven’t spoken to Fran too much lately. He spends a lot of time at this girl’s house that he works with.

I hope to hell I get Andy’s letter and my pictures tomorrow. He’s owed me both for a long time. Whenever I do get his letter, I’ll copy it in journal 18. I know it has at least 8 pages. I hope he puts enough postage on it.

When I go to Tammy’s, I better remember to get my edits. I spoke with her a few times during the day and we discussed stuff I’m bringing down. She laughed when I told her I’d begun packing. You know how I like everything to be organized. I hate to wait until the last minute. Plus, I’m so anxious to hurry up and go. She told me to bring whatever I can. I have several things for all of them. Stuff I don’t need or want along with stuff I’ve made. I also told her I’d make a Happy Chanukah banner. I started that and I’ll finish it tomorrow. I’ll also be bringing my drawing pad and I’ll finish their swing set picture there with the girls. I have those placemat things I made. I’ve made two already and I have another one that’s half-finished. I’ll also bring my skinny yarn for making bracelets. I still have to finish Andy’s bracelet and mail him my last two Chanukah cards with typed lines on them. I’ll mail his card along with Mom and Dad’s right before I leave. I’m bringing down two pairs of roller skates Kim gave me. They’re a size 9! I hope one of the girls gets tall. Somebody’s got to end up taller than me.

I got a scale in the mail along with those 3 wool blankets with the different designs. I already have a scale and I know they do too, but maybe it broke. Tammy says she loves ducks and one of the blankets has a pretty duck design. The others are flowers and an Indian print.

She said she got a shipment in of really pretty hair bows and those scrunchy hair things. When you have really long hair, they’re better than the regular coated elastics. They’re a lot easier to take out. She mentioned perfume samples too, and I’m giving her perfume called Navy that she likes a lot.

That trim Kim gave me really went a long way. I still have massive split ends but I’d much rather have long dead ends, than short healthy ones. It only took a week after she trimmed it for it to come out of shock and start growing. I mean, growing. Kim was shocked and asked me if I had a stretching machine. I am so happy. It is really here. My hair is at the top of my ass!!!!! In a year from now, I hope to be sitting on it. Once it gets to the top of my legs, I’ll cut it to the lower waist/top of the ass line where it is now. Hopefully, that’ll do in all my split ends. Or at least the bulk of them.

I am really tired now, even though, there is more I could write. Anyway, I should try to knock off for the night as it is now 11:00. That way I’ll get up in plenty of time to clean out the stairwell. I’ll remove some old tape from the walls and make sure Shadow’s box doesn’t reek of shit. The last few days I haven’t slept much so now it’s time to catch up.

Can’t wait for that fem’s letter!

Today I felt lousy all day, but I’m feeling better now. It’s nighttime, so what do you expect? I think it’s due to the very drastic change in temperature. It was a record high of 70° today. Can you believe that? On November 20th?! Just the other day I had to wear gloves as well as a warm coat. Speaking of coats, I’ll have to get a winter coat somehow. All I have is my suede fringed jacket. Also, some very light coats that just don’t cut it when it’s very cold.

At 11:30 tomorrow morning I’ve got to see Dr. Leitch. I’m going to need Theodur and Alupent refills.

I better get my ass on schedule as I have got lots of things coming up soon. From Nov. 25-29 I’ll be in Salem checking out apartments. Kim’s gonna bring me down and they’ll bring me back.

I spoke to Tammy earlier who now says Mom and Dad can’t afford to move me as their store’s gone under due to the poor economy. Also, Dad’s medical bills are sky-high and he’s only got partial coverage. I don’t know if I buy any of that, but maybe there’s a slight grain of truth to it. I really feel it has more to do with the phone calls, court and everything else that’s gone on in my life. What can I say or do? I just hope and pray to God that Tammy or any other curious people never get a hold of any of my journals without me knowing it. Tammy could, of course, read them with me knowing it. I’m more solid than her but all she’d have to do is just sit on me and read away since the girl’s nearly 200 pounds. The bulk of the stuff in these books is known to all who know me. Yet my personal private fantasies along with other subjects are my business unless I so choose to share them. Of course, I just couldn’t stick to my story in the previous journal. I always lose patience, but I have other ideas I may work out. The last half of journal 18 will be for lyrics, phone numbers, personal notes or ideas, and letters. Anything goes kind of deal.

Andy read me the funniest letter for Jenny he’s fixing to send her. I typed it last night as he read it to me over the phone. Talk about us mixing lines, lyrics, and sentences up! He did an awesome job and Jenny will be so damn confused. I don’t give a rat’s ass if she suspects me as there’s nothing threatening. Just very very very strange. I’ll copy it over in 18 soon.

Just to mention my November and December schedule so far… On November 25th I was supposed to meet with a therapist named Cassandra, but since I’ll be in CT, I’ll have to reschedule. December 2nd, I have to go to fuel assistance. December 5th to court to see my probation officer Sheila, who Mark says is pretty. Friday, Peter’s coming to show this place to someone, and he knows I don’t have an exact moving date yet. I guess Tammy’s gonna have to get some friends to move me. What about the $40 court fee? There’ll be a $40 fee from Northampton, too.

Went to North Star. I actually did it. I went. I was slightly nervous but not as nervous as I thought I’d be. No. Nothing spectacular happened and I knew it wouldn’t, but I got out of this cage anyway. I saw one very beautiful Hispanic woman and I knew God would never let me have her. She didn’t seem interested but we spoke briefly anyway. Also, I spoke to another girl who was cute but nowhere near as cute as Pamela, the Hispanic one. Ginny, the other girl, had shoulder-length reddish hair, was slender and seemed like the all-American girl. But she seemed quite conservative, wholesome and natural, too. Not the bar type. In fact, she sort of reminded me of Nancy H. I wonder if Nancy’s related to Laurie. With my luck she is.

Ginny and I exchanged numbers and she lives right near me here in S. Deerfield. She says she moved a month ago from Amherst. Also, she works at Yankee Candle Co. and at North Star waitressing.

Judy called, too. It’s funny how I’m psychic and that lady I spoke to is too, yet she was right and I was wrong. I’ll stick to the snow dates and descriptions. I guess I automatically assumed she’d never call as she’s not bad-looking. I don’t know if anything will happen with Pamela or Ginny, but I feel Judy will visit sooner or later.

It amazes me how calm and relaxed I feel. Even tired, so I’ll try to go to sleep soon after I finish my coffee and listen to music.

I am speaking to Andy now. He’s speaking to the Northampton crisis center, right now, if you know what I mean. Catch my drift?

After my day in court, I contacted Tammy who says she’ll call Tracy. She’ll ask about the tapes and take care of the fees and the Chief.

That girl Judy hasn’t called, but this really funny psychic told me she would within 72 hours.

Now that I know for sure I’m moving on the 2nd of January, the phone remains free. Ever since I moved here I couldn’t “feel” myself here throughout the winter. Then, after Tammy said the move was off, I was ready to flip, but still felt it was on for the beginning of January. I broke down in tears but Tammy cheered me up and said she had to tell me something she shouldn’t tell me. She told me that for my birthday and Chanukah they got me projects to do. Paintings, arts & crafts and drawing stuff to keep me busy. She also asked me what I wanted. I just mentioned Gloria’s songbook, journals and those geometrical design coloring books with Crayola magic markers. She also said she’d call Ma to move me and not to worry, it was over, and she’d handle my stuff and call Tracy.

She had gotten pissed at Mom for trying to get out of moving me after she can afford to buy an extremely expensive car. First, she backed out of Phoenix and then began to railroad us with CT. She called today to tell me Greg from Greenfield Furniture (the ones who moved me) was gonna call for a visit here to get an estimate on what it’d cost to move my shit. She said it was a combination birthday/Chanukah present. Oh, the joy of having my b-day and Chanukah connected. I wish Chanukah was in the summer!

So, speaking of that girl Judy. She came up to me and asked if I had a spiral perm. I said it was natural and we began chatting. I could sense instantly she was gay or bi before she mentioned it but figured I’d never get her as I was attracted to her. She had nice long reddish hair. Her face was ok and she looked pretty good for 31 years old. She had a super nice leather jacket on and jeans. She seemed around 5‘2”-5‘4” in height and a little chunky, but well-proportioned and solid. She was taking an ex-boyfriend to court for harassment and yes, she had been through shit I’d gone through. She seemed “with it” though and these types which I always attract and used to avoid, I now seek out since all I want is sex. My standards are too high for someone like me anyway no matter what kind of relationship I want. I gave her my number and she says she has a car, but of course, those feelings came on. They really kicked in last night. Almost every man I’ve given my number to for whatever reason has always called. Women are so hard to catch. So, I was thinking what a bummer as I hope that maybe, just maybe, I could get some sex before I move.

Then I got bored, remembered my free phone service and called the psychic hotline. The girl who answered said she was gay too, and that I’m not alone and she’s ultra-feminine with full makeup on, long hair, heels and a dress (yeah, because she was on the other side of the country).

She asked why I wanted to get laid. I explained my feelings and she said I’ve got myself isolated and so negative and scared and to let my guard down. She said I was so scared that I had to control people to protect myself. She said why not let someone sweep me off my feet and take control and take care of me? I said that was just a fantasy and explained how all I get are Brenda, Fran or Nervous types. I don’t get people who are outspoken and that can take charge. The types I get don’t have the mentality to take care of me. An example is that if I have a fight with someone, it’s my fight and I’m on my own. They’re too shy, wimpy, geeky and stupid to fight with me. Not for me, but with me. I mean, I’d love to be wild, daring, brave, romantic, flirtatious and get swept off my feet for one night. A nice dinner, pampered with a nice bubble bath, a back rub, and adventurous sex.

Then she said, “You’ll die lonely and horny. Get your ass out of the house.”

I want to. I want to so bad, but I can’t. I’d never get anywhere. And where would I go? To the bars?

She told me I gotta go up to these people, grab them and say, “Let’s go.”

But it doesn’t work. I could be determined, confident or doubtful and it wouldn’t work.

Damn, I wish I could go to bed with ugly people! What’s the trick? How do people get turned on by people who they’re turned off by? Someone’s got to write a book, “How to turn yourself on to people you’re not turned on by sexually.”

Just one night, God, just one night, please! I am absolutely totally dying to lust with a drop-dead gorgeous woman. I mean, she doesn’t have to look like she just stepped off the cover of Vogue. Just not pitifully ugly or another spot on the wall.

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, they have. Again, I try to tell myself anything’s better than jail, Valleyhead, Brattleboro, a roommate, a lover, being crippled or blind, a foster home or living with Mom and Dad. I guess it boils down to knowing you’re not in the worst possible situation, but at the same time, it’s bad enough. I feel as if I’ll always have my life controlled by so-called people who are “higher” than me. Or by whackos. Everything I want always is taken away or never achieved. I’ve gotten further into my shell just when I thought I couldn’t go any further. I thought I was in as deep as possible. Any confidence, self-esteem, and hope I’ve achieved since being on my own are gone. I feel like such a low-life that’ll never be good enough for anyone or anything. I used to feel not good enough all the time. Then I got confident and learned to say, “That’s your problem,” if someone didn’t care. How can I ever look ahead to the positive things like Tammy said? WHAT positive things? All I want to do now is crawl into a deep hole and never come out. I can’t talk anymore. I’ve retreated so deep, I feel there’s no way back this time. Now I feel I can’t live with myself as well as with this life.

I may not even be able to leave by Jan. 1st. They will transfer my probation, though. However, I thought it’d be unsupervised with therapy required and that I’d get all my stuff back. That’s what Tracy told me. Instead, I have two years of supervised probation with a $10 monthly fee I can’t afford, a $40 court fee, and I may only get some tapes back if any at all.

There’s just no fighting back whether I’m partially wrong or not. If someone burns me 5%, 25%, 50%, or 100% there’s no winning them. So from now on, if I get burned, too bad. Fighting back will never work. Am I ever gonna be able to take someone to court myself? Drag them through the mud? Never. Even if I’m totally right. I don’t ever want to talk to anyone again. Only my family, therapist, Andy and Kim for now.

Judy is this girl at court I spoke to only cuz we had common ground. Also, I thought she was attractive and she thought that of me. I’ll write about Judy later as right now I feel shittier than shitty.

Yesterday I spoke briefly with Kim. She told me Mark has something to discuss with me about my cases. I guess it’s got something to do with getting it wrapped up. She says she doesn’t know for sure what he was talking about and for me to talk with him. My two main concerns are getting the hell out of here and getting all my stuff returned safely and unharmed. I spoke to Tammy yesterday to let her know that I’d tell her anything Mark has to say if it means anything for sure. I also told her I got the police report and how it’s a little scary and again has me wondering about law enforcement in general. 95% of it was bullshit or very twisted and exaggerated information. I cannot believe how they’ve hyped this up and are making such a big deal out of this. They’ll do anything to make people look like jackasses and feel so uncomfortable. They’ll do anything for money and attention. It amazes me how much time, money and energy they’ve put into this. I remember telling them, “Look, I’m not gonna deny I’ve made a mistake, but don’t you think you’re living this up a bit too much?” The reply was that it was a serious matter, and I told them it’s only as serious as they make it. The unprofessionalism amazed me in the typing, besides the lies. Even I could type much better as there were mistakes on every other line. They had a part in the script in which is supposed to be me and them in conversation. They at one point said I said how lots of people make prank phone calls which is bullshit along with all kinds of statements I never made.

Maliheh also flattered herself again by saying I called to break it off and she said there was nothing to break off. They failed to print how Maliheh misunderstood that I was simply trying to be honest up front. Have her aware that I wanted to be friends at that time and never thought we were involved. She’s the one flattering herself. The people we’re supposed to trust and who aren’t supposed to lie or be unfair and twist information or “guess” when they’re not sure of something really makes me wonder.

Enough about the pigs. I spoke to Fran and Andy yesterday and really didn’t do much else.

Right now I’m a little bored so I’m entertaining Andy on his machine. He’s no doubt still asleep.

I spoke to my niece Lisa yesterday who got an excellent report card. Yesterday was also Bill’s birthday. He’s 45. I sent him a card and also a picture which Lisa said she showed all her friends.

I still need to work on the picture of them on the swings.

I’m gonna forget about my leather pants unless Tammy or I can find someone to take care of that.

I’m still waiting and have been waiting for Andy to throw my letter and pictures in a mailbox. He says he’s completed a letter. He’s been going through hell, though, which I’ll write about later. Never again will I send him something that I intend for him to send me back. I’m sick of waiting a fucking year. Never again will I lend anyone shit of mine as Jessie once again hasn’t sent those 3 bathing suits. I believe her when she tells me her mom was deathly ill and that she, David and her son have moved. I know she’s not a liar or a thief, but that she’s incredibly lazy and airheaded. She tells me she’ll call me after she’s put them in the mail to let me know they’re on their way.

I haven’t heard from Steve and when I tried to contact Jai and Jenny, their phone was disconnected.

Paula and I have spoken a few times. I told Paula about my predictions and how I describe people and places. I described her apartment and her sister Brandy’s house and the people they know.

Let’s wait and see if it snows Monday as I felt, as well as December 5th.

My fear of waking up too soon did come true as 90% of my good and bad vibes do. Nothing woke me up as far as any noise or bad dreams go. I just simply woke up and as usual I could not fall back asleep.

Earlier I took a walk down to the store for some groceries and threw my mail in my mailbox. I called fuel assistance and will not be going till December 2nd. The girl there told me that there’s a 90% chance they’ll have an earlier opening. She says she’ll call if they do.

Well, I really don’t have much to write about now. Don’t know when I’ll fall asleep either. I can’t complain, though, as I really gave this place a good cleaning yesterday and my asthma’s ok. My nose is a little screwy, though. Mentally I don’t feel as if I’m gonna go crazy. That isn’t for a few more weeks till I get PMS.

While I’m writing this, I’m listening to a tape of Andy and I. The usual thing we do every so often to the crisis center. Tonight Andy spoke to Fran and Nancy. Andy tells them of his “problem” with seeing the desert and palm and cactus trees every time he looks out the window. I’m his little sister who butts in and with our crazy lines and shit and he’s trying to explain how our parents took off. He’s 17 and I’m 13. About a week ago he did this routine with me to a woman named Laurie at the center. Not only was she a major butch, but she sounded just like Laurie H. Every so often she’d say something that would also remind us of Tracy and Linda as well as Laurie. It’s so funny hearing these tapes and I can get some great edits out of them. It’s the least I can begin doing while I’m waiting for all the stuff the pigs took. Speaking of the pigs and my stuff, I’ve got to call Tracy who no doubt has been trying to contact me. I’ve been on a major screwy schedule as I mentioned before and she ought to have more information for me by now. Tammy would like to speak to her too, about my move. They’ve already spoken once before about how we feel and this and that.

Tammy called last night to tell me she’s got an apartment for me for $595! That’s more than this place, although, this is a deal and a half. This is an $800-$1,000 apartment. From her description, it’s a shoebox, but very modern and I guess there’s a dishwasher and a hookup for an upright washer and dryer. But $695! Damn. I told her to just look for a duplex at that point. Price-wise, I mean. There’s not much difference, so I may as well get my money’s worth like I’ve done here. She said she did check those out but they were not on a bus line. Oh well.

I’ve been up since 9:00 last night so I’d like to stay up until 3 PM and sleep as many hours as possible. Tomorrow at 1:30, I need to go to fuel assistance.

I began putting away things like knick-knacks and things I can live without till January. 1st. I’ve put them in the closets for now so dusting’s a little quicker and easier. Then, I’ll get boxes and just pack them in.

I hope to hell the cleaning crew isn’t downstairs tonight. I’ve noticed they’re there every Sunday night from 8:00-11:00 or so. If they’re there, the banging and noise of the vacuum will wake me up too early and I’ll be pissed. It’s not their fault, though. I’m the one on the screwy schedule. I should probably sleep with my clock radio on but I doubt that will drown out noises from downstairs. They bang the walls with the vacuum and I feel the vibration, besides hear it.

Later...

I am so glad I’m still up. I have an awfully bad feeling about waking up too early, though. Perhaps I’m being paranoid cuz of the rotten luck I’ve had that’s not rotten luck. After waking up with that nightmare the night before the dance and Kim’s car accident, I just don’t know. It makes me wonder. I need to sleep as late as possible as I’ve got to mail my mail, have Peter fill out a form, get food stamps and go to fuel assistance.

I hope and pray nothing from downstairs wakes me up or that fucking dog across the street. It never shuts up and the poor dog’s outside 24/7. Whether it’s hot, cold, rainy and no doubt snowing, the dog’s outside always. Someone complained, but complaining about its barking does no good as it only gets them to shut it up for a little while, then it’s back to the same old bullshit. I hope I don’t wake up for the hell of it either. If I can get on a schedule and get my errands done, I’ll feel so much better.

I hope the VCR picks up the two shows I’m recording that are on two different channels. I’ve used both programs in the timer record set up before, so we’ll see. On 22 there’s an Unsolved Mysteries special and on 40 there’s a movie about a woman wrongly imprisoned that’s based on a true story.

More importantly, I fear a power failure. Let’s hope not as it absolutely amazes me how many power failures they’ve had here in the 7 months I’ve been here than in the 5.5 years I was in Springfield.

I called Tracy who’s also becoming more and more on my side, but more and more annoyed. God knows when I’ll get copies of my tapes, let alone the originals. I wouldn’t get the originals till it’s over and that isn’t gonna be for 50 years. Also, I fully intend to file charges with the S. Deerfield police, Maliheh and Jenny. She knows that and will be helping me with that.

Speaking of Maliheh… I’ve been meaning to write about the call for so long but kept putting it off. I started to mention how a girl called saying, “Remember me? You licked my pussy.” As soon as she hung up, it hit me that it’s probably the girl on Maliheh’s answering machine leaving the outgoing message. An hour later, I got a second call and was given a 10-minute silent treatment. In that time, I just went on and on singing and saying funny stuff.

I was so happy to at least get a prank call since I can’t make them. However, two things entered my mind. Again, just like with Jenny. Why is it I have to pay for the same crime they’re committing? When are THEY gonna pay? When am I gonna fight back? I asked myself this and once again realized I must give what I get. You play with my head, I call you or do some other non-violent prank, you take me to court, I take YOU to court. People like Maliheh and Jenny are always gonna be in court. Not by just being brought up on charges no doubt, but also by bringing up charges on everyone they get pissed off at and can’t get their way with. If I brought everyone to court I’ve ever been upset with, I’d be there 365 days a year.

The third and last call I got was a major shocker. The same shock as being told I killed my father in 1982. That was probably a false rumor and lie circulated by someone if it wasn’t a mix-up. The third call was from a guy who went on and on telling me what he’d like to do to me sexually. When he came out and mentioned my being at the crisis center, boy was I shocked! It was Maliheh and her associate’s last call and I was bummed but for a while I got mad. I began to wonder if the cops or people at the center would have anything to do with this till I realized there was no way. It’s not like ambulance services where cops routinely get involved or hear it over their scanners. I called the center myself and was brought there by Kim. Also, I knew the chances were very slim of the center breaking confidentiality or someone working there doing this. So, I called the center after telling Tammy all about it and warned them that if I had to do to them what I was going to do to the PD, I would. The girl I spoke to was very nice and helpful to me and then it hit me. I asked her how close she was to Pearl St. and she said she could walk there in less than a minute and that people going to Pearl St. park right outside their offices. I also remembered some guy coming up to us and asking us if we were lost and remembered hearing a lot of yelling. I couldn’t make out what was said, but it didn’t sound like a fight or angry yelling. It sounded like drunks goofing around. So, what it boils down to is that Maliheh definitely saw me. If not, a friend of hers did who must have remembered seeing me the night we met. I’m easy to recognize and I do stand out. Even if I was of average height or tall, I doubt I have a twin anywhere.

Basically, my charging her is not due to her pranking me as you know that doesn’t bother me. I still hope I get more calls. The thing is, though, I wish she’d do the talking. But nonetheless, I’m charging her cuz she’s charging me and she’s a fucking asshole who very well deserves it.

I guess I am becoming more and more bitter. Why should I be sweet little nice Jodi when everyone else is so cruel and spiteful? One can only take so much, even though, I’d never go to such extremes as a lot of people do. You lose the motivation to put the effort into being nice and trying to get out of your shell and meet people. You become hard and cold and now even I feel less respect for people. And now even I get pretty judgmental and automatically assume the worst in people. I used to look at the bad and the good in people. Now all I see right away is the bad. I feel intense fear and lack of trust. I’m more skeptical and doubtful than I’ve ever been in my whole life.

Well, I’ve definitely got to get to bed now for sure. God, do I hope I sleep. I hope my shows get recorded too. And no asthma attacks! 

Here I go again wishing I could be up in the daytime and getting on a schedule. It gets screwier and screwier. It sure would be nice to do what most people can do and keel over and pass out asleep at any time. Right now I’m incredibly bored and feeling like a caged animal again. One side of me is saying, come on, God, give me a break. I don’t want to be bored and miserable. I don’t want to settle. I want to have and do the things I want. The reality side is saying, you’ll never have or do anything you really want badly. Therefore, you can either settle for second best or commit suicide.

I hate reality. I always get the same results and I know I always will. That’s why I gave up the fight. Trying’s not worth it. No matter if it’s music-related or women-related it’s the same thing. Thinking negative and not trying = getting nowhere, and thinking positive and trying = getting nowhere.

So anyway, to finally write about Northampton crisis center and Maliheh. That night I lost it, Kim took me to the crisis center to talk. At the same time, I was so stressed out that I didn’t give a shit what they were gonna do with me. Now, looking back at that night, I was lucky they ever let me walk out the door. I guess I am shocked they more or less never “kidnapped” me for a few days with all the not-so-nice thoughts I was having. Even they said how they felt I was suicidal before I got into discussing why I was feeling like shit since I moved. How I’m going through a period of reality being thrown in my face. How I’m going through the different stages of waking up and smelling the coffee. How some people need a little time to adjust to settling for second best and some know they’ll never accept or adjust to it.

When I arrived at the center, I spoke with a big, ugly, scary-looking woman named Latonya. I had only spoken to her once over the phone and only for two seconds as it was change of shift. Two other people whom I’ve spoken to over the phone were there too, named Nancy and Fran. They’re quite nice, Nancy and Fran. However, I could see Latonya was gonna be very insensitive and not easy to talk to or very understanding. Sure enough, she seemed burdened by me, kept interrupting me and changing the subject. Also, she’d ask the same damn questions over and over. I don’t know if the lady had a garbage disposal for a memory or what. I think she wasn’t too rounded herself at that moment. At one point I was told she didn’t want to be there and that they were there cuz of me. I told her to knock it off, don’t give me that crap and try to put a guilt trip on me as they’re a 24-hour service operating with or without me.

She also told me how she was gonna call the psychologist at court to tell them I showed no remorse and I told her that if she wanted to stick her nose where it didn’t belong, go ahead. I have no pity for Maliheh. Or anyone else like Maliheh. Just as I’d had it with the head games, realized I’d been made to feel worse rather than any better, warned her not to step out of line or I’d go to her supervisors, the most shocking yet funny thing happened. Yup. This was the winner of the night.

She came out and told me how according to Springfield, I’d been involved with the homicide of my father! You should’ve seen the look on Kim’s face. I told her my father was alive and well and living in Florida and how he came to visit last spring and that it certainly wasn’t his ghost. Apparently, someone else’s files got mixed into mine, so that was the final straw and I left. All they could’ve done was calm me down anyway, not give me what I want and need. Yet they didn’t calm me down. I felt worse.

Both Tammy and I had left Latonya messages so we could offer her a piece of our minds but she never called us back. Obviously, she has a guilty conscience. People like that, especially in that field tend to irk you, but at the same time, the lies and exaggerations can be quite amusing. They take things so seriously, too. Also, they ignore important things you feel. Certain issues are so stupid as far as you’re concerned. Then when you get to the important issues, they steer you away from them.