The garbage and green waste trucks have been annoying for the last few hours. I miss the days when they just came through, dumped shit, and then were gone. I wasn’t kidding when I said that almost none of the issues I have to deal with here were issues elsewhere. The only thing I don’t get here that I had elsewhere is barking and screaming kids.

Another thing I really miss is the days when I didn’t notice traffic. Other than car stereos, the horn honking they love to do in the east, and a few that would gun engines or idle loudly, I never used to notice traffic itself because there just weren’t so damn many loud vehicles on the road. None of the states I’ve lived in before had constant motorcycles roaring around everywhere. I’m kind of surprised they weren’t a regular problem in Arizona. I could see where they wouldn’t want to be out in the blazing heat but I would think that from November to April they would be.

I took a walk down to the clubhouse, peered through the doors, and saw rows of tables with wreaths on them. I also saw Carolyn. Being one to steer clear of religious-related activities (figured it had to do with Christmas), I turned and headed back home. Made a bit of a detour along the way so I was out there at least 15 minutes. I’ll do more exercise later on the treadmill.

Speaking of Jon and Carolyn, I’m glad the project junkies have finished their latest project which included some annoying circular saws. I hear enough shit around here as it is. Can’t wait to see if she cares enough to wish me a happy birthday on Facebook next week but I would be willing to bet she won’t and neither will Kim B, Eileen or some of the PBers I haven’t heard from. But after my birthday I will decide which Facebook deadbeats should go. I wanted to give them one last chance to do a little more than just sit on my friend list.

I’m not stupid, though, I know she and Jon haven’t interacted with me because they’ve gotten oh paranoid about being more private. It’s because I’m too liberal for them and I complain too much about the park. I realize that most people aren’t bothered by noise. Would the world be so noisy in the first place if they were? But Carolyn did say she uses Facebook to check for birthdays and see what her family posts, so she should get my birthday notification as well. We’ll see. Maybe she’ll surprise me.

While I certainly don’t regret rekindling our friendships, I’m not sure who drives me crazier at times, Kim or Aly. With Kim, I get the same old shit over and over again but only once or twice a day. Aly is literally addicted to texting. She does it everywhere and I mean everywhere. She went to the hospital to pick up her dad but he’s too out of it to be released and what is she doing? Texting to tell me about it.

I don’t know why but I was given $3 of Kindle credit and decided to buy a few suspense books. I’m not liking one of them but the second of three books that I got is good so far.

I managed to lower the amount of spam hitting my Gmail account but my Hotmail account is still pretty overrun with the shit. I don’t know if my email address was sold or shared by someone where I signed up someplace or if some very sorry, lonely and bored soul with nothing better to do has been sitting around signing me up for all kinds of shit. Kim doesn’t have either email address so if it’s a person “pranking” me, it isn’t her. I don’t think it’s any one individual. I think it’s just companies that gave my email address out. Just because they say they won’t doesn’t mean they really won’t.

Although I doubt it will do me any good since nothing has helped yet, I’m going to add a couple of cups of green tea to my diet to see if that really does help speed up my metabolism like I hear it does. My body simply will not respond to diet and exercise and I worry that I’m going to eventually end up gaining an astronomical and debilitating amount of weight with absolutely nothing I can do about it. It would really be nice if the food reminders weren’t every fucking place I go. Listening to a book, the characters are eating dinner. Going on Facebook, someone’s sharing a pic of a restaurant meal. Going on Ask, someone’s asking what my favorite dessert is. Going on Twitter, a meal kit service is promoted on the feed. Reading a friend on PB, they’re tossing up ideas for what to cook for dinner.

Woke up at midnight two nights ago with hip pain and had to take Ibuprofen. I slept fine after that and woke up pain-free. But then at the end of the day, which was yesterday, I had to take Ibuprofen. They were a little achy when I got up today and I thought I was going to have to take some but haven’t yet. Was beginning to think it was a muscle, tendon or ligament injury due to trying to plank this heavy old body but the pain is equal on both sides with only a little bit more on the left. While it still doesn’t seem likely that it would be arthritis of any kind, I suppose anything is possible. I’ll just have to see how much longer it goes on. Maybe it was the weather but if it was then that would mean it’s arthritis. We’re supposed to get one full week of rain next week but there’s no way it’s going to rain every day for a whole week here.

I need a new hobby. One that excites me to wake up every day and know it’s there waiting for me. Something I’m not going to get bored with after a while. Something different. But what???

My heart truly breaks for those fleeing violence in other countries. Really, if you’re an innocent victim and not just making up stories to get what you want at the taxpayers’ expense, I really do sincerely feel sorry for you. I can’t imagine being in such a shitty situation. However, I still don’t think it should be our responsibility to support the thousands of Syrian and Honduran refugees when we have too many people in need right here. Sorry, but I just can’t let political correctness blind me to the facts and statistics simply because society says that’s the correct thing to do. Incredibly large numbers of people coming here take jobs away from those that are from here and raise crime rates. This country is so in debt and we have enough of our own homegrown problems. Do you know how infuriating it is to know that those storming the borders have done so deliberately so that they can get free shelter, food and medical when they get arrested? Meanwhile, we have to pay thousands for our medical needs! :-(

Having some burning down there that’s consistent with the type of burning I get when I’m not treating myself. Has the Tacrolimus stopped working? Am I using too much of it? Not enough? Well, I’m certainly never going to go into any remission, that’s for sure.

Now on with what were mostly some pretty shitty dreams last night. Yes, I’m definitely back to remembering dreams in vivid detail. First, I went to see Stacey and the whole place looked different. There was a couch in the waiting area but most of it extended down this narrow hallway and I thought that they would probably move it soon so people could get through easier.

Then Tom stepped out of a room he had stopped in and told me to go down the hall to whatever room was empty and that one of the therapists would see me soon.

“I want Stacey,” I said as I stood up. “Tell them I want Stacey.”

So I began walking down the L-shaped corridor and passed a couple of rooms with open doors in which a counselor sat talking to a client. One of them was Stacey who was going over some papers with one of her clients.

I continued walking onward and then I fell asleep on another couch as I waited for Stacey.

Then I had some weird dream where a few characters in one of my books were investigating my death. One of them was supposed to be taking pictures of my murder scene, I guess, but she couldn’t do it. So another one said they both should take pics so they could have a backup copy of the images. The one that said this told a third character who entered the room. She was surprised and upset but talked about being somewhere she needed to be.

Next, I was at the clubhouse which looked different and was talking to an old lady about doing her hair. Then a younger woman, which I guessed to be her daughter, said I looked familiar. I said she looked familiar as well and figured we must have seen each other around. Then we started talking about what we liked and didn’t like about the place and I said I found it noisier than I’d like.

The last dream was the scariest. I was watching a boy that was somewhere between 8-10 years old. It seemed like we lived in an apartment building. That night I fell asleep in their spare bed when the mother came home and woke me up in a rage. She showed me the boy’s back. I blinked the sleep out of my eyes to see clearer. It was filled with text with the area in the small of his back being larger. She was convinced that I was responsible for causing this mysterious writing to form on his back because I somehow abused him.

I thought to myself that yes, I might have caused it by nudging him ahead of me a little too hard. She stormed out of the room with him to call the police, or so I thought, and left me praying to a God I wasn’t sure existed or that was in the habit of answering my prayers if He did. I begged him to please protect me and promised that I would never “abuse” another child ever again.

Despite being extremely stressed, I fell back asleep. Rough movements next to me soon woke me up again and I knew I couldn’t pretend not to have felt anything. The mother said something inaudible. I asked her to repeat herself and she still didn’t make any sense.

“Say that one more time,” I said as I rolled onto my back.

She mumbled something unintelligible and then loud and clear she said, “Meanwhile, I don’t ever want to see your fucking face again,” and then picked up a pillow and proceeded to smother me with it. The dream ended with me about to fight for my life, amazed that she didn’t call the cops and wondering if Tom would ever find out what happened to me and if she would ever be caught.

Our service junkies have had this SUV parked alongside us for a few days now. There’s been two or three at their place and I guess they’re working on something inside but at least it’s inside where I don’t have to listen to it. When Tom was coming home yesterday we saw a guy carrying a sheet of wood that looked like a floorboard or something like that.

The weather is still cloudy and wet but I feel much better today than I did yesterday. Started off with hip and upper back pain, but Ibuprofens took it away. Now why can’t there be a quick fix like that for whenever my anxiety strikes, minus the side effects? I’m just enjoying the calm while it lasts because I know that sooner or later it’s coming back to haunt me. I just don’t know if it will be a matter of days, weeks, or months.

Although I feel better rested today, I woke up a million times last night. It’s weird how I went from sleeping well to sleeping like I usually slept when I was going through the worst of the perimenopause. I usually sleep better at night regardless, so yeah, it’s a bit weird. Didn’t take Benadryl before bed the last couple of nights and I wonder if that may have had anything to do with it. I’ve been taking Children’s Benadryl and sometimes not even the full dose of that. Might take it before bed tonight to help me sleep more consistently.

I like how I haven’t heard nearly as many commercial planes but that could be due to the cloud coverage and the rain.

The hypo symptoms are slowly going away but my memory is still so foggy that I don’t even remember much of my dreams lately. I know I had several and each time I woke up last night I made a mental note to remember them but can’t remember anything now. Since more of my thyroid has died I’m now worried that this dose won’t get my TSH as low as it used to. Initially, it got my numbers normal. Then it got them down between 6 and 10. Now I wonder if I can even hit the single digits at all.

Managed to catch up on cleaning and I might do even more later on since I never know how my energy levels are going to be from day to day. I am going to take the day off from exercising, though, because I think it’s more likely that a muscle, tendon or ligament injury is causing my hip pain as opposed to Osteo. It’s unlikely I have Osteo because I run.

Tom and I traded alarm clocks. This one is much harder to read because the stupid idiots that made it have it backlit but at least all I need to do to keep it from being so blinding is lean the throw pillow against it. The tinted cellophane we put on the other one fell off, so since he doesn’t mind the light it’s in his room.

Hello there :-) Saw you in the People You May Know section and while I totally admit that I don’t know the reasons, I have a feeling you had a very good one to kick Sarah out without talking to her first as I was told was the case. I hate to say it but while they may be my nieces they have turned out to be nothing but narcissistic little drama queens. Becky and Sarah have lived together for most of their adult lives and never seem to be dating anyone which hardly seems “normal” and I have a feeling it has nothing to do with their weight. At least not much anyway.

They ended up deleting me because I posted something they didn’t exactly like. I am appalled and surprised at just how selfish they’ve turned out but then I know where they got it from. Yes, my sister never set great examples. The hypochondriac recently told me she’s dying when she’s not and I haven’t talked to her or her brats in months.

Lisa went crazy on me by falsely accusing me of the most mundane of things a decade ago and we haven’t talked since then.

“You’re supposed to be their aunt!” Tammy cried.

Yeah, well I’m also supposed to be treated with respect.

When Becky was in a car accident, thanks to my sister’s horrible writing, I didn’t realize her jaw was wired shut and so I sent a huge package of candy and fruit. While I totally expected Becky to share, I was pissed to learn that Sarah had most of it and had plowed through 80 bucks worth of candy in just a few days rather than wait and let Becky have most of it, the intended recipient, once she was better.

Let me guess…she threatened you or ate your house down? You never have to tell me anything you don’t want to and I will never mention you to anyone ever. I would also appreciate it if you didn’t mention my contacting you, not that I could stop you from doing so. I just have a feeling that whatever your reason was for wanting Sarah out wouldn’t surprise me very much and I will be even gladder that I’m thousands of miles away.

The above is a message I sent the girls’ Aunt Etta, Bill’s sister. Met her a few times in Connecticut when she and her daughter visited. I sent it simply because I’m curious as to whether or not I’ll get a response and what that response may be. I’m not having anything to do with my family now so if God forbid she mentions my contacting her to the drama queen and her spoiled brats, so be it. I meant everything I said too, right or wrong. Since March she’s either stopped using her account or has gone very private because I don’t see any visible activity since then.

Slept shitty. Woke up in the middle of my sleep and had to take Benadryl to get back to sleep. While I appreciate the damp weather keeping things quiet, this is the type of weather that makes me feel tired and lazy. I don’t even know if I’ll have the energy to work out and clean today. That’s why I do it whenever I have the energy because I know I’m going to have these kinds of days every now and then. Then I can take a day off without much guilt or falling behind, though I did do a bit of dusting.

Yesterday was just the opposite and was incredibly noisy. On top of loud traffic, I heard loud mowers and blowers on and off several times from sunup to sundown. And now I hear them again. sighs They just don’t take a day off, do they?

What’s with the two SUVs at the Twenties these last few days? They don’t seem to stay there overnight so I’m guessing they’re out-of-town guests staying at hotels and visiting in the daytime. Still wish they wouldn’t park alongside us and would park by who they’re visiting instead.

Finally managed to disable most of the notifications I was getting on my phone from Facebook but some of them are still worming their way through. Facebook is going to do what they’re going to do no matter what but still… Why must Facebook make so many things so complicated?

Dr. O’s nurse called and confirmed that both thyroid medications can be taken together, so that’s good to know. Still weird how it basically rendered the 50s useless and made it like I wasn’t taking anything at all.

I let her know I returned to 75s as the doctor recommended and cut the Lio out completely. Not sure why Dr. O still wants to see me but since he has the 17th off anyway, I may as well see her six hours after I see Dr. A.

There are only two subjects I agree with Trump on and that’s his stance on Muslims and his frustration with the complications immigration brings, especially when you get thousands of illegals at once trying to storm the border. I don’t think we should completely close our doors to immigration but we definitely need to cut back big-time. We’re way overcrowded here and having so many people flock to the US only burdens our resources even more and raises our crime rates. Some people may come over here with perfectly good intentions but not everyone in those migrant caravans is innocent victims fleeing violence. They’re criminals looking for a free ride in life which our tax dollars would have to pay for so they can sit on welfare or be housed in jail when they commit crimes. We don’t need to spend more money on them when we have enough people in need right here. We don’t need them taking our jobs. We don’t need them causing us to have to wait longer to see doctors. No, we have our own homegrown problems right here. I’m tired of the US being the go-to country for other people’s problems. Why should we be obligated to pick up the pieces every fucking time people can’t get along in their own countries? I totally support the way they’re being tear-gassed and if it were up to me they would get something worse than tear gas fired at them!

This park would be a lot quieter if it would just do away with trees that lose leaves and make a mess everywhere. When my schedule and the weather permits, I like to get out and walk in the sun so that when I’m in the sun when out for appointments or at stores it isn’t so blinding. I know it isn’t any better to get too little sun than it is to get too much. But after hearing ferociously loud blowers in four different sections of my walking route, I was reminded of why daytime walking is anything but peaceful. I don’t understand why people want trees that lose leaves and make such a fucking mess, not to mention so much extra work for those that have to pick up that mess.

Got a message from Dr. O saying she doesn’t think my anxiety is caused by thyroid, see my PCP to treat the anxiety, and she recommends that I keep our appointment and return to 75s as while that dose doesn’t normalize my lab numbers, it gets me close enough.

If I could have treated the anxiety I would have done it years ago, and I told her this. I told her that the Benzos stopped working and the SSRIs make me suicidal. Really have a feeling that if I was meant to treat it, I would have found what works by now. But at this point, I totally believe that I’m never going to find that magic pill I can take that will kill my anxiety when it starts just like I can kill a headache by swallowing a couple of ibuprofen. Some things just aren’t meant to be and I suppose I should quit trying to fight fate, accept it for what it is, hope it goes away someday on its own, and enjoy the calm days when I have them.

This is just ridiculous, though. Just fucking ridiculous. I shouldn’t have to suffer like this. I should know what’s causing the anxiety for sure and I should know what to do about it, whether the problem is mine for life or just until I get to be postmenopausal. I should have my life back. I should have myself back and not just some of the time. Myself as I’ve always known myself to be. Why is that so much to ask for? My worst problem in life should be noise, schedule and sleep issues, skin issues, TMJ issues, being unable to lose weight, and occasional boredom that comes with doing the same things every single day. Well, almost every single day anyway.

So much for “acceptance.”

She said she’s having her nurse call but if I don’t hear from her soon, I’ll call her myself. I still want to ask if the two different thyroid medications can be taken together. Just curious as to how much time and money I’ve actually wasted on the Levo/Lio experiment.

Watched the landing of InSight on Mars. Exciting! I love science/space stuff. I’m all for educational experiments but not for trying to seek intelligent alien life. We just can never know how they may react to our presence. There are no guarantees they would be friendly. They could invade the planet and kill us all for all we know.

Fucking Mexico! They can flock to the US by the thousands but as soon as someone flocks to them (the migrants), they don’t give a shit and aren’t willing to help. Now just like always, it’s likely going to fall on us to have to deal with the damn migrants which means more of our money lost, more of our resources burdened, and more criminals to deal with since you can’t convince me that they’re all perfect little angels.

I would have thought that being a Sunday the planes would still be taking it easy but nope. Back to tons of commercial planes this morning. I’m sure there will be plenty of landscaping as well because the rain isn’t set to return until Tuesday. Tuesday would be a good day for rain, though, as that tends to be the noisiest day of the week as far as landscaping goes.

We ordered a new Echo Dot to replace our first-generation Echo in the living and dining area because it was having issues. We couldn’t replace its cable because they’re hardwired into these earlier models. Sure enough, as soon as we order the new one, it’s working wonderfully. So we threw the Dot that was in the master bedroom, which was the oldest of the Dots, in the laundry room.

The new Dot is in the bedroom and definitely sounds better, especially for music. As for audiobooks, it sounds a bit muffled but it’s still easy to comprehend.

The Dot also came with a smart plug which I have the master bedroom air cleaner plugged into, and a few free months of Amazon Unlimited Music so I’m enjoying that as well. Not sure if we’re going to cancel after the few months or not but I’m definitely going to cancel my perfume subscription as soon as I get my next sample because I have more than enough.

There’s a pink noise track that sounds similar to the white noise I create with off-dialed stations on the stereo to sleep with. Since this Dot doesn’t sound as tinny as the other Dot I was thinking that after my appointments I would see if I can sleep with that just as easily. I’ll still need the earbuds when I’m sleeping during the daytime. I’m doing a couple of experiments right now since I don’t know if they’ll play for eight hours or so even if the connection doesn’t cut out. I’m running multiple tracks of the same brown noise out in the kitchen and I’ve got pink noise on loop mode in the bedroom to see if they’ll run all day. It’s too bad having it run on a reasonable volume doesn’t block out the planes. I’d have to blast it kind of loud in order to do that.

Anyway, I’ve been feeling well and we’re mixing relaxation with household tasks over the holiday weekend. We’re going to clean another section of carpet later and trim some bushes. Yesterday he removed the shower door and the new shower curtain is working out well with no leaks.

Tomorrow I’m going to call Dr. O’s nurse to find out if those medications can be taken together and then I have to decide whether or not it’s worth seeing her next month. Not sure there’s anything more she can do for me since it’s definitely looking like the anxiety wasn’t medication-related as I thought with the exception of when I first went on 75s and when I was tried on 88s. Really hope she says the medications can be taken together because if not, then everything I’ve done since I last saw her was a waste of time, not to mention how pissed I’m going to be that no one told me this up front. Whether they are or aren’t supposed to be taken at the same time, I still don’t know what else she can do for me but I’ll probably message Dr. A and let her know why my lab results are likely to be bad since I don’t know if she’s been kept in the loop or not.

So I will not only have to decide whether or not to see Dr. O again but also if I should stay on the 75s I return to a few days ago or try the Levo/Lio combination again. I’ll probably just stick with 75s. No sense in changing if there’s no connection to my anxiety.

Although I do get more lightheadedness since stopping the Amberen, I’m determined not to take that for a while to see if there could be a connection there but I doubt it. Sooner or later the anxiety is going to return to torment me. I think that if it isn’t connected to going through menopause then it’s likely just the way I’ve become after the trauma I went through 4.5 years ago and I’ll just have to learn to live with it. Still not sure of the best way to manage it because when it gets really bad it can be pretty scary. When it’s really bad I start getting frustrated, angry, depressed and sometimes even suicidal.

Tom and I have been gathering Bing points together for occasional Amazon treats and stuff like that. Was thinking I might get a golden retriever in a lying position with its head resting on its paws when I get $25 accumulated. It’s 17 in long. I would put it by the right living room vent which the Roomba keeps getting stuck on.

Last night I had a dream that just like in reality my friendship with Nane was over but I had known or at least met her in person.

Tom and I were living somewhere in another dream with a block-walled backyard similar to what we had in Phoenix only this yard had a grid of trees. There were maybe 10-12 trees in all and it was just after a big rainstorm. We stepped out back one day and I commented about how the trees looked denser. Tom agreed.

Then Tom was showing me a piece of material in another dream in which he thought a bite mark was present. I then went to some pool area where some guy sat on a lounge chair chewing gum. I told him I wanted his gum so I could make a dental impression out of it and compare it to the bite mark on the material. He willingly obliged, LOL.

Then I had a dream that my nieces were still in school but I don’t remember the details.

I woke up to find Simon gone this morning. I’m sad but relieved since he really seemed to be struggling in the end there and he wasted away to nothing even though he was eating right up until the end.

So that’s two out of three of these very old rats gone. Now it’s just Dumbo. And our betta too, of course, who is amazingly bright, alert and friendly.

Buried Simon near Burke between the bushes in back of the house. There are 4 (cypress?) bushes in the back. Burke is between the two by the small bedroom. Simon is sort of between the two bedrooms, and Dumbo will be by the master bedroom soon. He can barely walk.

Ran to Walgreens for a few things but more to get out of the house than anything else.

We got quite a bit of much-needed rain yesterday and it’s nice that the air is no longer smokey.

Managed to clean a section of carpet in the hallway yesterday. Got the new shower curtain for the master bath, too.

Now, just as soon as Kim, Eileen, and a couple of too-quiet Proseboxers fail to wish me a happy birthday, I’ll delete them on Facebook. I’m sure the Twenties will ignore me as well but they won’t be deleted until we leave.

I still don’t understand how and why so many people can take the word of the Bible so literally and call it “God’s word” when it’s actually the word, opinions and beliefs of those who wrote it. Hell, anyone could write a book about whatever and claim it’s God’s word.

And I also find it rather ironic that people are always quick to praise God when things go their way but when they don’t, they have an excuse ready at hand on His behalf. It was just “His will” or “He has his reasons,” blah blah blah. Funny how it’s never “Maybe He doesn’t give a shit” or “Maybe He doesn’t exist.” I hate to say it but this attitude sort of reminds me of a battered woman that keeps making all kinds of excuses for and defending her abuser BF/husband. shrugs Guess we all gotta do what we gotta do, though, right?

My PB friend who recommended magnesium said another thing she could recommend is a supplement called L-Theanine but I ain’t trying nothing until I talk to my doctors.

The only thing I remember for dreams last night was the race-card-playing black bitch in Arizona, unfortunately. We were neighbors again but the houses looked different. She was sitting in a parked car talking to someone. She was in the passenger seat telling whoever was sitting in the driver’s seat that she wanted to burn certain places down. They hadn’t seen me at first but then I decided I would casually step into view and let them worry and wonder whether or not I overheard her deadly plotting.

There seemed to be another part of the dream I don’t remember. I actually had two dreams I made a mental note of documenting when I got up but I can’t remember the other one either.

Aly and Cam had a fight. They went down to Kansas to see his friends and family and will be heading back to Nebraska at dinnertime to avoid an approaching snowstorm. She said they got in a fight and I wonder if the relationship is going to end soon based on her track record. If it does she’ll be with someone new within a week or two. Or maybe not since I didn’t have a great track record before meeting Tom and we had our share of fights in the beginning as well.

It’s just after 3 a.m. here and the peace and quiet is pure heaven. Right now it’s mostly due to the clouds and rain. Can’t hear the freeway in that case but because rain is so rare here, this doesn’t happen very often. Only from mid-June to mid-August is it hard to hear the freeway and Sunday mornings, too.

While Tom rarely remembers his dreams, he does sometimes get solutions to various problems in his dreams just like I sometimes get glimpses into the unknown. Well, in light of my numbers appearing as if I’m not medicated at all, he wonders about something I wondered when I first started the Liothyronine. Can it be taken at the same time as the Levothyroxine? You’re not supposed to take anything within 4 hours of Levothyroxine so that’s why we’re wondering, along with the shitty numbers. If this is the case, though, then why didn’t the doctor or the pharmacist say something about that? I’m going to be so pissed if it was all for nothing and taking the Lio at the same time I took the Levo rendered the Levo worthless. If I find out that’s the case, and I intend to call the nurse on Monday so I don’t have to bother the doctor on the portal, then I’m not sure what I’m going to do besides want to slap the shit out of the pharmacist. In that case, I could try the combo again and wait 4 hours before taking the Lio or I could stick to 75s.

Either way, I now believe the anxiety is going to torment me on and off no matter what I take so I guess it really doesn’t matter as long as my TSH isn’t over 10. The most important thing will be trying to figure out what I can do about the anxiety itself. I only had 3 hours of very mild traces of anxiety yesterday and so far I’m fine today even if I’ve only been up for a few hours.

My bladder is getting annoyingly leaky as I age. Tom and I are both at the point where it takes longer to pee. It doesn’t leak if I cough or sneeze or anything like that but even sitting on the toilet and being patient and pretty sure I’m a hundred percent peed out, I will sometimes get up and then feel a bit of wetness down there telling me my bladder wasn’t as emptied out as I thought it was. Maybe I should wear liners regularly and God help me the day I have to dive into those bulky and uncomfortable-looking adult “diapers!”

Yesterday Dr. O’s nurse called with both horrible and shocking news. My TSH is 33! I was stunned. Just completely blown away. I really thought I would be between 10-16. T4 dropped to 0.8. It’s almost like the Liothyronine was not only worthless but made the Levothyroxine worthless as well. So instead of it sending a message to my pit gland to shut the fuck up, it might as well have said, “Scream as loud as you can!”

I practically broke down in tears on the phone with the nurse but she was very patient and understanding as I filled her in more on all I’ve been through over the last 4 years. Dr. O wants me to either give the Liothyronine/50s more time or go back to 75s. I decided to go back to 75s since it’s easier to take one pill and since those at least work. 75s can bring my TSH down to single digits. With the other stuff, I might as well be unmedicated. It was either worthless or my thyroid has diminished even more and to the point that I may not be in the 30s unmedicated but even higher. But yeah, 33 is just one point above where I started nearly 5 years ago. So I’m back to square one. Back to the beginning of 2014, only with horrible anxiety and now depression as well.

With my anxiety being sporadic and my lab results being shitty, this is starting to disprove my medication theory. Unless there’s something about the medication itself, regardless of dose and lab numbers, which the nurse says there isn’t that she knows of and that it’s just a natural hormonal replacement your body needs anyway, it’s now looking like perimenopause really is the main culprit. So unless there’s something else going on with me or I’ve literally lost my fucking mind, that seems the most reasonable assumption. Oh, how I wish I could know for sure! If I could know that that’s all it was and that it would taper off eventually, that right there would be a huge relief to me. But I still can’t know this for sure. I can only assume and hope.

We now believe that skipping as I did may have actually made things worse because as the nurse pointed out, being low on thyroid can cause anxiety as well. Not sure why I didn’t have this problem when I was first diagnosed but I’m guessing it’s because I wasn’t in perimenopause yet. I was just on the edge of starting with that. Since being raced awake by my heart has stopped, I don’t wake up a million times anymore, the butterflies in the stomach eventually stopped, and most of the hot flashes have stopped, I’m hoping this will run its course soon too, and leave me the fuck alone. The absolute worst feeling I’ve ever felt in all my just about 53 years. Now, it’s a no-brainer that the problems I had when I first started 75s and then when she tried me on 88s were due to the medication but this is smacking more of peri. A PBer/friend has the same feeling and is close to my age.

We’re going to be setting up a site with video doctors on my computer in case of an emergency when I’m alone. Unfortunately, it costs up to $49, but it might make me feel better psychologically if I knew it was available in case of an all-out anxiety attack when alone.

Forcing myself not to skip the meds when the anxiety escalates is going to be tough. But Tom’s now thinking that skipping may have been a bad thing and that I only felt better when I skipped because it had a placebo effect on me of sorts. But there was one day that I skipped and I actually didn’t feel calm at all. The anxiety was mild but I do remember being surprised to feel even mild anxiety that day. And when I was scared off the meds in August of 2014 before restarting 3 months later, I still had some anxiety. But this particular type is different. I’ve had it since December of 2016. If I’ve had it all along, then other symptoms have been masking it like back when I was much worse overall.

The nasty hypo symptoms I’ve been having now make sense. My skin has been dry, I’ve been retaining water, my weight is up a couple of pounds, I get cold as hell, etc. The brain fog has been incredibly annoying. I’m forgetting things like crazy, I can’t think straight, I can’t concentrate, and sometimes I can’t even get my voice to cooperate with my mind. I think to tell Alexa to set the temp at 68° before bed yet I keep telling her 60°.

I could kick myself for taking that PBer’s advice about the Liothyronine. On the other hand, it was good to try it but it’s definitely not for me. Other than with Aly, never again will I discuss health issues publicly.

Taking 75s every day no matter what is a scary thought but I did have anxiety when I first started the new medication combo for the first week, didn’t skip, and then it backed off for 10 days before it returned. So again, the fact that it’s been sporadic does point away from the medication.

The anxiety isn’t going away (at least not soon) regardless of its cause. Therefore I really have to do what I can to get it treated and keep it from coming on in the first place or kill it when it does. So far, out of the dozens of things I’ve tried, I just can’t kill this kind of chest anxiety. The butterflies in the stomach were killable with tapping but this has been a real bear. The question is what the hell can I take to keep this beast at bay? What can I take that doesn’t have side effects and that doesn’t eventually stop working?

The nurse also said she would make a note for the doctor and let her know that I didn’t take any medication the morning of the lab. Had I known I was going to be asked to go to the lab, I would have taken it. So there would have been about 18 hours between my last dose and the labs.

Dr. O and her nurse didn’t say anything about canceling our December 17th appointment, so I guess I’ll keep it. Will see her 6 hours after Dr. A. Anytime after next week, I can go to the lab for my yearly blood work for Dr. A. I’m dreading it too, since lower thyroid usually means higher cholesterol and it’s going to take 6 weeks or so to really get my numbers back to where they’re considered safer. Can’t stick with these numbers, though. Too much risk of goiters, strokes, heart attacks and so many other annoying and potentially dangerous symptoms if I didn’t slip into a coma first.

Tired of having to pay for everything, too! So much is on us now and we’re not going to get ahead this way. As I said, I’m in a bit of a catch-22. I want to do what I can to get whatever relief I can get but we don’t have an unlimited amount of time and money. Plus my CRD still makes things hard.

Anyway, I think I documented all the important details. Now it’s just a matter of bravely taking the medication every day and trying for once and for all to figure out what can be done to combat this anxiety. I’ve read so many articles on perimenopausal anxiety and they all say you don’t have to put up with it. Really? Could have fooled me!

So while I sit here wishing I could rip my thyroid, pit and adrenaline glands out and shove them down the garbage disposal since I just can’t get anything that will just kill me, I got up at midnight, stepped into the bathroom and thought wow, it is amazingly dead quiet in here! At this time of year, especially at night, you can hear the freeway in there quite well, but thanks to the holiday, it’s quiet. I’m sure we’ll still have our share of loud vehicles and door-slamming to listen to today because if you’re a neighbor of mine, then of course you can’t go somewhere else for once. Everybody’s got to come to you. rolls eyes

Here comes that loud car. Yeah, I knew you’d be around today, you cock.

We replaced some of Butterboy’s water but we’re otherwise having a lazy Thanksgiving, hanging out together yet doing our own things. I listened to my book, surfed the web, polished my nails in 5 different shades of pink, and my toenails midnight blue.

Yesterday I skipped my meds altogether and felt fine. Right as I was getting ready to read myself to sleep at 11:30 a.m., Doc O’s nurse called wanting to read me a note from the doctor. Now, why couldn’t the doctor simply have sent me this note directly on the portal?

As expected, Dr. O doesn’t recommend 50s and wanted me to go to the lab. I told the nurse I didn’t drive, my husband was at work, and I couldn’t just up and go to the lab. But then I Skyped Tom and he replied right away. I asked if he thought I should go and he asked if I could stay up that long. I said I could and then he said he would see if he could leave at noon. A few minutes later, he left. While he was on his way to get me, I called the nurse back and let her know I would be going to the lab after all.

So we got to the lab which wasn’t nearly as crowded as I thought it would be and only had to wait somewhere between 5 and 10 minutes. One vial was drawn for T3, T4 and TSH.

What really sucks is that our insurance no longer covers lab work so it’s all on us. They keep dropping this and dropping that. I wonder if insurance is going to be worth it in the end.

The portal says the results are posted 36 hours after they get them and are pending until tomorrow at 11 a.m.

I’m not going to play this game again. I’m just not. I’ve had it with all the fucking health issues! I’ve had it with the on-and-off anxiety and depression torturing the shit out of me when all I want to do is just live my life in peace. My sleep and skin issues along with the regular chaos here are enough to have to deal with. I try to do the right thing and be a good person even though I’m not perfect and this is the shit I get for it? Well damn then, what the fuck might I get if I went and beat some random person on the street? Cancer? Yeah, well, sometimes I really wish I would get something that would just kill me. Seriously, I want to just stop suffering or drop dead.

I’m not going over 50s for a while and I don’t care what she says. I’ve made up my mind and that’s that. The only way I’m going to know for sure if the medication, or at least the higher dosage, is in fact involved at all is to back off for a while. We don’t have the time and money to keep going to all these appointments anyway so I’m kind of in a real Catch-22. Yes, I really want to figure it out and deal with this emotional roller coaster for once and for all if that’s possible, but time and money are also an issue. We’re never going to get ahead financially if all these extra expenses keep coming up. We’re far from broke but we’re never going to be able to do things like taking a vacation if our extra money is tied up in this bullshit. I still don’t even know if anyone can tell me what’s causing it and what I can do about it, anyway. Everything has backfired on me so far. So this is why I just want to back off the 75s or the equivalent of it for a while. Dr. O hadn’t seen my second message yet when the nurse called. I let the nurse know this, too.

I just wonder how much more of this shit I can take. It’s like getting the shit beat out of you every day. Sooner or later your body gives out, unable to take any more. Sometimes the urge to kill myself is strong but I just don’t have the guts to actually go through with it because I fear botching it up, what may lay beyond, and deserting Tom. If I could just know what was making me anxious or at least what to do about it or how long it will go on, that would really help a lot, I would think. I mean obviously if I suddenly knew I’d have it for life and there would be nothing I could do about it, that would be anything but helpful.

I’m just tired of going round and round in circles! Now I worry Dr. O is going to give up on me which may encourage Dr. A to do the same because I’m no longer willing to play it their way. At least not for a good 6 months or so I’m not. I don’t see how half a year of 50s would harm me. In fact, I would think that if it ever did harm me it would take forever to do so because 50s puts my TSH at around 16 which isn’t dangerously high. I know the doctors can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do but I can’t make them go along with me either. If they drop me, who knows if I would have a hard time getting someone new since I would think they would want their records. Look at the trouble Alyssa gave me. I mean it’s not literally “trouble” but she’s refused to turn over the information requested and that I signed permission for. Of course I wouldn’t have to have records just to see a new doctor but they could still make things difficult for me. I don’t think it would come to that, though. I think they have better things to do but they could still drop me and put me through the hassle of having to start over again, with or without records.

Okay, I’m rambling on about what-ifs that probably won’t come to pass.

So I took one of the 50s when I got up and was a little worried when I started to feel not anxious but kind of down and lightheaded. I don’t want to take the Amberen in case there’s a connection. The day I felt really bad I had taken Amberen. I’m just taking my multivitamin. Anyway, I feel okay right now.

Moving on from the health stuff, the fucking story of my life… Saw Jon and Carolyn painting their brick planter that runs alongside the front of their place yesterday but they didn’t see us. It’s a good thing they got it done yesterday because we’re supposed to be in for rain over the next few days. Looking forward to it! Loud cars and trucks may still come through but it should put a damper on some of the planes and definitely the motorcycles and landscaping. We sure do need it, too.

Tired of my large monitor sometimes not working, I transferred the smart plug it was using to the bedroom where my rainbow lamp sits by my small desk but I’m still calling it “monitor.”

I don’t remember much in the way of dreams last night. Something about us vacationing somewhere. The place seemed rather large and fancy, wherever it was.

During the dream, a woman asked me to spell certain words and I did. I don’t remember what the words were but after I spelled them correctly she said, “Good. I hadn’t thought to test your spelling yet.”

She seemed to be some kind of teacher and we had worked on other subjects together, whatever they were.

Yep, Aly is a hider. Figured as much. I just don’t know if she’s an intentional hider or if her browser is automatically hiding her and she doesn’t realize it. Regardless, she said she got my email and has questions about it, which she’ll ask tomorrow. She’s recovering from a cold now.

Not sharing this entry with anyone because it’s going to be pretty down and negative. I’m definitely, definitely keeping my main PB account strictly for generic events only. No longer will I discuss my health because I don’t want people giving me suggestions that I may be tempted to waste my time trying. I appreciate their suggestions and advice but it hasn’t done me any good yet. The magnesium hasn’t helped, the Liothyronine was a bust, and I’m sure the ACV shots will prove to be just as worthless come December.

There are other reasons for keeping certain subjects private as well. When it comes time to sell the house, for example, I don’t want potential buyers looking me up and reading how noisy it is here.

Okay, here’s my private health update. Yesterday my anxiety increased in intensity and it started to get a bit scary. No booming heart but tons of adrenaline stabbing me in the chest. I was totally miserable and it was absolutely horrible. I was anxious, I was depressed, and I was suicidal. I literally would have killed myself if it were as simple as snapping my fingers.

So finally I messaged Dr. O and told her what was going on and that I want to drop back to 50 mcg of the original drug and leave it at that for at least 6 months. I said I understand the medication may not be the only culprit and that my hormones may still be unsettled but I’ve had enough of the on-and-off suffering for over 4 years now. I gave her all the dates in which I’ve been keeping track of…when I started the Liothyronine, the 10 days I felt good, when the anxiety began.

Thanks to Aly telling me she could tell when her hematologist picked up her message, I remembered to check and when I got up tonight I found that the message had gone from unopened to reviewed even though I haven’t gotten any calls or messages.

Depending on how I do throughout the night after skipping everything (been up 8 hours and feel fine so far), I may message her again and let her know that I’ve definitely had enough and have definitely made up my mind about scaling back to 50s for a while and that I’ll have my PCP look into hormone replacement therapy for me if the anxiety does continue or see if anything else could be wrong with me. I’ll also tell her that I’ll be happy to go to the lab as planned next month and see my PCP but wonder if there really is anything more she could do for me at the moment and so I don’t see the point in keeping our December appointment. I’ll tell her I appreciate her trying me on Liothyronine and won’t cancel our appointment until I hear back from her but at this point, I just don’t see what more she can really do for me.

No more motorcycles in the middle of the night since I last bitched about it but I don’t think whoever it is lives here either. It’s a hell of an odd time to be visiting so I’m guessing they might sleep during the day, work 2nd shift, and then visit late at night. I think if they lived here I would hear the fucking thing multiple times a day.

I’m kind of on a nut diet of sorts. Since nuts are healthy and rich in protein, which helps curb hunger, I’m snacking on those as opposed to sugary treats. Yesterday I had a meal at the beginning of my day, snacked on nuts all day, then at the end of the day, I realized I wasn’t hungry for the second meal I planned to have. I did, however, make and finish the rest of my chicken wings before they could go bad, and also treated myself to some candy when we ran out to Walgreens to get more nuts as I was already anxious anyway. Yet I still woke up down a pound.

I’ll do almost anything for a friend but I was glad when Aly said she was getting as sick of scammers as I am. I would rather just block them than cart my journal entries off with them for her to do as she pleases. This way I also have the luxury and comfort of using Google Docs while lounging in bed. Before I would need both my phone and laptop which would be more convenient sitting at a desk or table.

Still going to share my journal with her. The only difference is that she’s going to get unedited and private stuff as well because she’s my bestie. I think that next to Tom, she now knows me better than even Andy and Tammy did despite not knowing her for nearly as long and this is mostly because she’s intelligent and able to retain what she learns. I know they couldn’t always help their memory issues. They may have been selfish and not always cared to listen very well, but the pot really did screw with Andy’s brain, and Tammy’s illnesses screwed with hers. I know what it’s like to have memory issues, though, cuz ever since my thyroid crashed I’ve been having issues as well. Memory is definitely not what it used to be, though sometimes it still seems like it’s better than average.

Got my tracking code embedded in the email with my journal entry, so if she doesn’t show up on my visitor list, she either lied about not hiding or her browser is automatically hiding her and she doesn’t realize it.

Still going to share some things on my main PB account, but will share on my other account stuff I don’t share there unless it’s totally private.

I don’t remember how I stumbled upon MyLife but I was both intrigued and disturbed by what I saw. Oh, I was getting my Bing points and randomly decided to search our names. A lot of the information isn’t correct or up-to-date but much of it was and I have mixed emotions about sites like this. We laughed at how it listed Tom as Christian. His family is Christian but we’re both pretty non-religious and politically we’re independent. He does believe there probably is some type of God and afterlife but doesn’t know exactly what it is. Otherwise, his attitude is like mine. To each their own as long as no one’s being harmed.

I can totally see where employers would want to look up the backgrounds of potential employees but I still don’t know if certain information should be thrown out there without the person’s permission, like their income, religious and political preferences, etc. Is it really necessary? Is it really anyone’s business? And how/why is it legal? If I put such info in my blog, I stand a chance of being sued. But it’s perfectly okay for them?

They almost got our income right but sometimes it’s a little higher. It knows he’s in Cali but it still thinks I’m in Arizona.

Naturally, I looked up people I’ve known like family members and past and current neighbors. I don’t get why it didn’t list Andy as a registered sex offender when I know he is. You have to pay to get nitty-gritty details but I’ve never bothered to do this because I’ve never been that curious about anyone and I’m not an employer looking to hire someone or a landlord looking to rent space to anyone. There are three groups of legal issues and it says you have issues in such and such a group if you do. Apparently, it doesn’t matter if you were vindicated like I was because I was flagged as having arrest and court records. The Twenties have had legal issues as well. Liens or lawsuits of some kind. It kind of sucks that even if you were vindicated of something the record is still out there in the first place, thanks to the race-card-playing black assholes that make the few good blacks look bad. I learned a long time ago that if so many people are for or against something or someone it’s usually for a reason. The only difference is that most people in most of the country have become supportive of blacks because it’s politically correct to do so and people are more concerned with making sure they fall into social norms than doing what’s right. If it suddenly became politically correct to favor or support child molesters, that’s what most people would do. Either way, the black people that screwed me are far from a rare breed and it’s sad that they have to ruin it for good people like my buddy’s boyfriend.

So I ran our lovely former neighbors and sure enough, they have everything flagged except sex crimes. I can just imagine how many people they’ve race carded that have pissed them off or crossed them in some way or at least some way that they perceive without a care in the world as to the potentially devastating and lasting effects because they know they’re living in a place and a time when they can do it and get away with it.

Anyway, enough of them. It listed Andy and Maliheh as being in the 10k-19k income range and that sounds about right. Maliheh never made much teaching guitar and Andy’s janitorial service didn’t make much either. That’s why he was canning on the side. I wonder if he’s still, at age 56, out in sub-zero temps in the middle of the night gathering cans and bottles. Poor guy! He may be an asshole in a lot of ways but what a shitty life. And always dreaming of the much younger hot man he’ll never have. :(

Tom thinks his mother died years ago and that they just don’t list every single obituary online. I find this hard to believe but anything is possible. If Marjorie is still alive, though, she would likely be broke and living in a nursing home by now since she’d be 95 years old.

Definitely not getting my hopes up since I still believe that if I were meant to find the ‘off’ switch to my anxiety, I would have found it by now, but nuts seem to help when I get a little on edge. I noticed this last night when I would get anxious and then grab a handful of mixed nuts. Almonds are listed as one of the feel-good foods for anxiety. The mix also has cashews, peanuts, pecans and hazelnuts. Fortunately, my allergies have always been restricted to dander, dust, dust mites, mold, pollen and things like that and not food. So I can get as “nutty” as I want. So many things seem to work at first, though, so it’s probably just a coincidence.

Overall it was a pretty good weekend even though I slept through most of it. He fixed the second bathroom’s sink. The stem in the drain was so corroded that it would cause the sink to back up. With the 3D printer, he’s going to print a new handle for the shower stall in there which broke. Since I don’t use the tub we took a handle from there for now. Really wish we’d upgraded the showers and the windows years ago!

I got a good story idea but I’m not sure if I have the patience to write it. I was thinking of having this woman be in prison for murdering her husband or boyfriend even though it was really self-defense. The warden likes her and she likes her back. The warden lives on the prison property and smuggles her into her home. But the warden turns out to be a real psycho with all kinds of kinky, crazy sexual demands and has a really controlling, dominating and abusive personality. Not wanting to stay with her or return to prison, the inmate escapes, somehow gets set up and makes a living as a cam girl, and eventually the warden finds her. I could end the story with her killing the warden or something like that.

Amazingly, it looks like we’re definitely on for rain in the middle of the week which should greatly help with what are the worst wildfires in the state of California, killing about 70 people. It’s so sad and so scary, too. Who knows how much longer we’re going to see and feel the smoky effects of it, although it could be a lot worse.

I want to be a cam girl. I do. But I don’t. Wish there was a way to do it minus the sexual aspect for those who just want to chat.

I’m psychic in the wrong way. I need to be psychic enough to know when I’m not going to be pestered with notifications on my phone so I can use Google Docs in peace. I turned most of my notifications off but some of them I’d really rather not disable.

Returned to Amberen but probably going to take it every other day.

Sometimes I’m a bit congested and sneezy due to the smoke from the wildfires. It was clear earlier but as we were out we noticed the smoke had rolled in. Wind must have shifted in our direction.

So why am I seeing people’s birthday wishes to others in my Facebook feed? And friends’ comments on things their friends posted to their walls? What does any of this have to do with me???

Ran out to Walgreens last night and got a few treats and then we went to Rite Aid tonight. Got some bright orange nail polish that doesn’t look that great on me since I seem to look better in darker nail polish. Stands out better against my pale skin.

As we were leaving Rite Aid I got a bad feeling and told Tom to hurry up. I don’t know why but it’s like there was a charge of negative energy in the air all of a sudden. I didn’t exactly see anything suspicious or bad happening but I’ll catch the local headlines as I always do when I’m getting my Bing points and see if anything pops out at me.

Research definitely shows that exercising when feeling anxious (as long as your heart isn’t racing) can help ease anxiety. I felt slightly wound up yesterday and did a little jogging on the treadmill and it seemed to help. So did getting out of the house. Makes me wonder, since I’ve always suspected there could be more than just one factor if there still could be something in the house causing me to feel anxious at times. I’ve never gotten the impression that it’s haunted and I’m not sure I even believe in that but maybe there’s some kind of negative energy in the house that’s affecting me. Why it would affect me and not him, I don’t know.

Even though we’re supposed to be saving money now, our first-generation Echo that’s in the kitchen and living area is having issues so we were thinking of replacing it with a $50 Dot. It sucks how things become obsolete so fast these days. My $1,100 laptop is getting old even though it’s not as I got it in 2015.

At least I got to have fun and interesting dreams for once. Andy was in one of them and I guess I was either staying with him or living with him though we had to have been in this area because he needed an endo for some reason and I recommended mine. We both needed an appointment so I told him I would try to schedule back-to-back appointments. Then I looked at him and said that at least he wouldn’t have to give me or ride and he cracked up with laughter like that was the funniest thing he’d ever heard.

Then I had a dream that Tom and I were in some place that looked like Jesse’s trailer but maybe bigger. My hair was a little below my waist and straight. We were running around playfully and he was chasing me. Then we both collapsed on the floor with me behind him. My chest was pressed against his back and I said, can you feel my heartbeat? It was pounding but in a good way.

Then he said something about wearing some kind of belt when he went out on his walk. I asked him when he was going out walking and he gave some senseless time like 1 and 1000 or something like that.

Last night ended up being a pretty shitty night. I have both anxiety and depression. I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m starting to doubt it’s the medication itself otherwise why would I have gone 10 days as I did from the 3rd to the 13th without anxiety? Now I’m thinking more in terms of my female hormones. And suicide in January after the holidays. I am seriously looking forward to life less and less. I feel like I have so much more negative than positive in so many ways. If it weren’t for Tom I would have killed myself ages ago but I know it will hurt him. But sometimes there comes a point when you have to think of yourself. I also know he would be able to move on. The question is whether or not I can get up the guts to actually follow through with it. It would be different if he was terminally ill but this isn’t a case of that. This is a case of me suffering and while that’s plenty bad enough and I definitely don’t want to get older to acquire more problems and also to have to deal with the same ongoing issues even longer, I still don’t know if I’m brave enough to end it all under these circumstances.

I looked up bipolar disorder and I don’t have any of the four different bipolar disorders. I research symptoms of several mental disorders and I just don’t have them. I still find it hard to believe that there isn’t a reason behind this. People just don’t up and acquire anxiety disorders this late in life for no reason, do they? Right at this moment, I’m leaning towards lady hormones and the sugar I had for a couple of days there. Never again will I get large candy bars! I just can’t eat like I used to. I really need to keep my sugar, sodium and cholesterol intake as low as I comfortably can.

If I could suddenly magically know that this will taper off in a year or so, I could tough it out and I could live with that. But I can’t know that. This could go on for several more years or it could be mine for life just like the extra weight and the farsightedness along with Hashimoto’s and other things. Like I said a while back, sometimes things change and they stay that way.

I’m also thinking once again of ghosting my main PB account because I feel the need to write for me and me only. This way I don’t have to filter as much and edit things. Yes, I would miss my regulars and seeing the usual people on my visitor list but I think at this point there would be more pros to writing privately as opposed to for others in addition. First of all, that so-called “valuable information” people have given me has apparently turned out to be worthless, and as I said, I like to write uncensored and without judgment. I’m not going to ghost those I’m closest to and connected to on Facebook. I’ll still keep in touch with them there. I thought about doing an entry with an explanation but then I said nah, let someone care enough to wonder what happened to me and try to get in touch with me for once rather than tell them what’s going on. Do I really owe anyone any explanations anyway?

There are actually a few things I could do. I could use my main account for writing prompts only so I can still remain in touch with my regulars, write privately there, but share things on my story account where I don’t allow for comments and only a few people, if anyone at all, should know who I am. Yeah, maybe I’ll do that. Why didn’t I think of that sooner!

Back to the shit going on with me. So I got anxious late in my day yesterday which morphed into frustration which morphed into depression. I felt better once Tom got up and I vented to him. Words can’t express how appreciative I am of him for encouraging me to continue to vent rather than hold it in. It’s just that when it gets me when I’m alone it’s easy to keep things bottled up. Besides, I always feel like I’m burdening him and bringing him down by crying on his shoulder so much so I admit I did try to choke it back a bit for a while there. So I would definitely do things differently if I were starting over. I’d also have just 2 email addies. One for signing up for things and the other for friends or for signing up for things like the patient portal.

I got up today and was worried I would be in for a shitty day since these spells are rarely brief, but surprisingly enough, after I got up and got going, I felt much better. So maybe the Liothyronine will if not make me a hundred percent perfect, it will make me less anxious less often. Tom still believes it will go away one day but not just like that. It won’t turn itself off like a switch but gradually taper off. But unless my body is doing something in particular that’s causing the meds to make me this way, I’m now starting to doubt the meds. Don’t get me wrong. Jumping to 88 micrograms would definitely cause severe anxiety attacks. But that included a booming racing heart. This is different. It’s a different kind of horrible and when I’m going through this nightmare I’m finding that I want to just beat my head in the wall and I literally have to exercise self-restraint to keep myself from doing something stupid. I don’t want to hurt myself. If I’m going to do anything to myself I want to kill myself as quickly and as painlessly as possible. Not fuck myself up and give myself more problems and suffering.

These words are a little too intense to share publicly from my bogus account so I’ll keep this strictly private. Well, as private as the Internet can possibly be. The site owners may be reading private stuff but so be it. I just really like the idea of dropping most of what I write on the public in a way that they can see it but not say anything about it. I’m tired of the “advice” and feeling like I have to stifle certain topics that are more controversial simply because others may disagree with me.

Anyway, Tom and I are going to be going out to the drugstore later. He’s getting some sleep first. He crashed after I showered and started the laundry.