Last night’s dreams were pretty weird. I was having dinner at someone’s place that I sensed was in a high-rise of some kind. There were at least half a dozen people, including kids. At one point I was admiring a vase of bamboos that was much bigger than anything I’d ever seen before. It looked slightly different as well and I hoped I would one day be able to grow mine as big.

Then I had this weird dream about watching a video where this robotic front-body massager would crawl on top of a person’s face as they lie on their back in a recliner, then crawl down their chest, down their legs, and then jump back up and repeat the process.

Got the fairy figurine yesterday that’s called Fishing for Riddles. I love Selina Fenech sculptures but I think she’s way overpriced. $50 is a bit much for something this small as lovely as she is. I don’t think it should be more than $20 or $30. So I won’t be collecting any more of her stuff at least for quite a while since we do need to start saving and get ahead once again after so many unexpected expenses have come up. He’s even low on days off. He only has 3 available days where he usually has a week or two.

The $30 cat and mouse, called Bits and Pieces, with a black cat on a tree stump gazing down at what actually looks like a squirrel with a rat’s tail (haha) at the base, is outstanding! Great size as well. It’s pretty big.

Disappointed not to get the Jack Russell but oh well. They never did tell me why they canceled the order or responded to my question about it. At this point, I wouldn’t want to do business with them anyway.

So now all we’re waiting on is the Smart thermostat and the beach shower curtain for the master bathroom.

Later…

Carolyn was telling someone that she moved to CH to be closer to her kids. A pang of both admiration and sadness overcame me to read this. How sweet that she wants to be close to her kids but how sad it was that my own mother was just the opposite. She couldn’t get far enough away from me and I could never be far enough away from her.

When I was living in Massachusetts in my early twenties, broke, single and on disability, I told my mother how I wanted to move to Florida like she and dad did because I hated the cold and snow as well. That was when she informed me that she didn’t want me living close to her.

I know. Pretty fucking insulting, huh? This was far from the only time she said such mean, cruel, hurtful and insulting things about not wanting me around. The family gatherings I was never invited to, the way she kept her phone number from me for a while, the way she gave me up to the state in my teens, the way she’d always ship me off to camp and various places in my preteens… The list goes on and on. So this wonderful statement was really nothing new from her, but being the kind, tolerant and forgiving person that I was back then, I put up with it and didn’t think much of it. If I was anything like I am now and have been for many years, I would have walked away for good and never looked back. Instead, I waited till my early 30s to stay away for a decade.

She was just one of those women who never liked or truly wanted kids. Even she admitted one day back in the '90s that if she and dad had to start all over she would’ve had one kid instead of three or perhaps none at all. But being in the '50s and '60s and the fact that being “normal” was so important to her and how she looked, she had three of us.

It’s no wonder she discouraged me several times from having kids although I assure you it was my choice in the end. I totally get where she knew that I loved life and living and that I valued my freedom and couldn’t have afforded children anyway when I was younger and all that, but I think deep down she just didn’t want to deal with any additional grandkids other than what she had from Larry and Tammy.

As time went on, she was one of the growing numbers of women who wanted to remind other women that there was more to life than just having kids and that a woman could be just as happy without them, and I was, but my decision had nothing to do with her. Skipping marriage and kids has become very common in the US, especially marriage, but if I was suddenly young all over again and I wanted kids, I would have them whether it was “in” or not.