I have no real New Year resolutions but I have New Year hopes.

Before I get into that, I had been breaking up my exercise routine into smaller segments where I’d run 5 minutes an hour. But that didn’t work out because I’d keep forgetting, so I decided to do a little of both. I’ll run 10-15 minutes, but since that wouldn’t be the 30 minutes I’d like to be running each day, and so as not to flare my joints up, I’ll run 3-4 more times for 5 minutes throughout the day after that.

Also, I was torn between losing more weight and just letting the weight return. After weeks of not being able to decide which one to do, I decided to do neither and just maintain the 135 pounds I’m usually at. I know it’s too much for me, but hey, it’s easy. I haven’t had to work much at maintaining it. It practically maintains itself, though I do have to run and not get too carried away with eating. I can get around easily enough at this weight and my body seems comfortable with it. If I were 50 or more pounds overweight, then I’d keep pushing along at losing more weight, but I don’t think being 25 pounds overweight is that big a deal.

The weather’s been clear lately and we haven’t needed heat during the daytime which helps save us money and makes up for the “propane food” I’m now cooking. Propane food is stuff I don’t like to cook in the microwave being that I like my food to be crispy. Right now I’ve got a TV dinner in the oven of chicken and cheesy potatoes.

So, looking back on 2008, what have we gained? Well, most importantly, we escaped that damn motel, alive and well! As an added bonus, we got a new car and some other things we needed as well as a few things we wanted. Plus, some cool wins, even though the year wasn’t too good for that overall.

What are our hopes for 2009? Well, I believe that out of the digits 1-9, 9 is the luckiest, and 4 is the unluckiest. I’ve also noticed that the ends of decades are usually better for me than the beginnings. So I’m hoping that we’ll relive certain things from a decade ago, only minus the sickos. In 1999 we were making plans to leave Phoenix and that’s just what we did on September 27th of that year, even though we couldn’t get fully moved into our new house till just after the new year of 2000. Not long afterward, the black bitch and her people resurfaced, thanks to my darling sister, and they tormented us for another few years. They just did it from a distance and in a much worse way.

Our biggest dream is to have this be the last New Year’s Eve being broke. If we could be making plans sometime this year to “go home,” that would be so wonderful! I don’t know where home will be, but I think it’d be in the desert somewhere or a tropical place.

I hope that Tom will have a job sometime in January and that I can finally, after nearly 5 years without insurance, be insured again and get my teeth taken care of.

Most importantly, I hope we can find security for once and for all and enjoy the peace of mind that would bring.

Whatever good or bad the new year may bring, I’m looking forward to watching the ball go down in Times Square, as always. New Year’s Eve was always my favorite holiday. It was the only time that as kids we had the freedom to do pretty much whatever we wanted. We stayed up late, we watched TV, played with our Chanukah gifts, listened to music, ate treats, and just had fun in general while our parents usually went to some party somewhere.

As an adult, I’ve pretty much preferred to stay home for the same reason Tom does. We don’t party, we don’t even drink occasionally, and we don’t socialize. So even today in my 40s I’m still enjoying watching the ball drop, eating junk food, and just kicking back and doing the things I like to do. Tom usually watches TV while I crank up the tunes.

I woke up to the tune of barking at 7:45. So, knowing it would take them an hour (although today it was a little longer) to get the fact that Jesse wasn’t going to come running to their calls for attention, I put the sound machine on. I could still hear them every time I went to the bathroom or into the kitchen. They stopped around 9:00, and I figured we’d be in for on-and-off barking fits for the rest of the day, but then it was quiet for a couple of hours, and then we heard the motorcycle leave. So Jesse obviously came back around 9:00 in the truck.

About 3 hours later, Jesse roared back in. This was around 2:00. Now why were they quiet during those 3 hours? Is it something about him leaving in the truck versus the motorcycle that could be setting them off? And what’s going on in the mornings that’s stirring them up more then? They definitely go off more then than at other times. Tom went out front during the worst of it, but he couldn’t see anything.

I’m back to thinking that the renter’s dogs have nothing to do with it because if it were the renter’s dogs stirring them up, then how come Jesse’s dogs are the only ones we hear? Besides, I can’t believe the renter’s dogs would be smart enough to know when Jesse was gone and to only pick on his dogs at those times. And for such long periods of time? Not likely.

Anyway, I heard the barking start up again around 3:00 and thought he must’ve slipped out in the truck, since that’s something we can’t hear, but then it stopped fairly quickly.

I think the only reason it was quiet yesterday is that he took the fucking things out with him in the truck. They wouldn’t have been that quiet had he been out, and he wouldn’t have stayed home all day. He always goes out at least once a day, even if it’s for just 20 minutes or so.

I wish I could come up with more story ideas because I’m so damn bored at times! When it’s noisy I simply can’t do any proofreading, and I can’t do it with the sound machine going either. I need quiet in the background. Yet when I went to carry on with my Rainbow Dreams story, I was at a loss as far as where to go with it. I still am, too. A writer can’t always make herself come up with fresh ideas! Guess that’s why they call it writer’s block, cuz I’m definitely blocked right now.

Later…

Tom and I ended up rearranging a part of the living room and it looks bigger and better organized now. Then we read together for a while.

So now that we’re at a time when I shouldn’t have to worry about barking, I’m going to do some more proofreading.

The renters are still alive and still here, I’m sorry to say, but I’m not at all surprised. Why would we be allowed to lose such shitty neighbors so fast? Although I still haven’t seen anything (and that’s what we’re going to tell Jesse no matter what), I was lazing around enjoying the last of the peace when I heard barking start at 7:20. But it wasn’t quite loud enough to be Jesse’s dogs, and the bark was different although familiar. I went into the bathroom, slid the window open, and sure enough, I could hear one of the renter’s dogs barking loose somewhere down in the ditch. I recognized the bark for sure and this would explain why yesterday I could’ve sworn I heard something that sounded right outside here for a second or two.

So not surprisingly, the renters aren’t gone and they haven’t tied the dogs up. We just haven’t happened to see them slip by. I’m also now back to wondering if they’re why Jesse’s dogs have been going crazy after all. Maybe it’s not a temperature thing or them missing Jesse or more activity going on due to the holidays. Maybe it’s the renter’s dogs. Only somehow, they’ve been smart enough not to mess with his dogs when he’s here.

I started to wonder why they hadn’t attacked his dogs since they’re still running around loose, but I’m wondering if Jesse exaggerated that story to begin with. He said one of them could “barely walk.” Yet just a couple of days later we saw them running around up there when we were coming back from the store. That’d be quite a miraculous recovery had it really been barely able to walk.

Anyway, it’s just one more reason to be glad I’ll be up on New Year’s Eve because there’s no way they’d pass up such a golden opportunity as that to get trigger-happy on us.

Someone was shooting yesterday evening, but it wasn’t them.

So yesterday really turned out to be a shitty day. From 11 AM - 7 PM, the dogs went crazy. It really sucked! Then that person with the really loud motorcycle came in (again we thought it was coming down here), then left when they saw he wasn’t home. Doesn’t anyone in Jesse’s circle call first?

The dogs haven’t gone off yet, so Jesse’s obviously not working today. Since I know he wouldn’t dare stay home, though, I know he’ll go gunning out between 10:30 and noon. And then I won’t be able to do any proofreading until he gets back in 6 or 7 hours.

No snow here, thank God, but I still see it forecasted at times for Auburn. I’m pretty sure they’re talking about the summit. Down here at the foothills, we should be pretty safe. Tom’s seen pickups full of snow that obviously came down from the mountaintop.

Yesterday turned out to be quiet and I hope today will, too. Then I hope that Jesse will care enough to do something about the dogs when I slip the note in with the rent on Thursday after 4 more days of barking, assuming he’s going to be working during the week.

Got a nice letter from Mary yesterday who says there will always be a special place in her heart for me, and that I’m such a talented writer that she’s waiting for enough story pages to make it in to her before she gets absorbed in it. Well, as I warned her, expect some typos! I can just imagine how many must be in my journal that’s in my word processor, but I’m not going to go back and check. That’d be too much work. You’re talking over 5000 pages covering 21 years of my life!

Got a fruit roll-up sample yesterday and the most disgusting popcorn sample ever. Orville really is the worst when it comes to popcorn. It smelled like lemons and tasted nothing like popcorn at all! The rats were happy to take it off my hands, so it didn’t get wasted.

The rats were so cute when I got up, begging up a storm. First I gave them some bread. Bendejo was content with just that, but of course Puerco had to have some lasagna, then some dessert which was a nice big fat plump grape. It was so cute how he climbed up to the roof of his cage and took hold of it in his little hands.

The Apple GC came, so Tom’s going to pick out something at the Apple store and I’m probably going to get a combo sports bra/tank top in my choice of color (winterberry) from ESPN. What’s cool is that if we shop at these stores through the site from which I won the Apple card, you get a little cash credit for doing so. Tom checked out the site yesterday and was impressed. They even have tons of grocery coupons that can be used anywhere.

The heart palpitations had stopped, but now they’re back. My online research suggests they’re nothing serious and could be caused by nerves, but I didn’t think nerves were that big of an issue for me right now. Then again, Tom’s out of work and we’re not in a position to make money in other ways, so I’m not totally anxiety-free either.

Later…

I am soooo pissed right now! I wanted to proofread, but Jesse wouldn’t let me. It’s all I can do to keep from running up and bashing those fucking dogs in the head with a rock! First he comes out and plays engine-gunning, then he leaves us with the fucking barking! I’m soooooo fucking sick of this shit!!! He better do something about it as of the 1st and not put the responsibility on us, because if it falls on us, he’s not going to like it at all. We won’t be able to take care of things until we move, but we will take care of things in the end if we have to. But like I said, I’d like to see him take responsibility for his own racket instead. They’re his dogs, so he should shut them up.

I wish the fucking cock could take a day off! Just one day off! But he’s going out 6-7 days a week now. It used to be that we’d love it when our neighbors were out, but now it’s just the other way around. I wish he would take just one day to stay inside his fucking house, not come out to go engine-gunning, and not have company unless we didn’t have to know about it when they came and went.

I was in the middle of proofreading when he broke my concentration with the engine gunning before taking off, and now I have to wait for him to return so I can hear just the reader speaking and not the barking, too. This is utterly ridiculous! Why are we never allowed to live in peace no matter what? Would we really ever be able to find peace in the middle of a 40-or-more-acre piece of land? In a retirement community? Or are we just destined to end up with people who can’t keep their racket to themselves no matter where we go???

For the longest time I wished I could keep a schedule so I could be on days, but now I wish I could so I could be on nights. It’s only quiet here at night now! They never used to go off like this when he’d go out before he returned to work, even though he wasn’t always gone as long. Maybe it was because it was hotter then. Yeah, it probably is a temperature thing. I did worry that they’d be a problem once the weather cooled down, but either way, he still needs to do something about it. The engine gunning alone is annoying enough to have to deal with, though I’d rather that, even though it’s much louder because that doesn’t last as long and isn’t as frequent. Either way, it’s just one more reason to really miss summer, and I do!

I might dump the Rainbow Dreams story I started. I got the characters in mind but just can’t come up with any kind of interesting story right now.

I was surprised by a quiet morning yesterday and was glad to see that Jesse was staying home. But then at 10:30, he roared out on the motorcycle, since it’s stopped raining, and not long afterward, it was on and off barking sprees for us.

Then after he returned, a friend visited who also has a motorcycle. This one’s even louder than his, if you can believe it, and is so loud that we thought Jesse was coming down here on the ATV or something.

How can a household of just one person (since his kid obviously doesn’t live there after all) produce such a goddamn racket?!

So all was quiet for a couple of hours or so, then it was off to play engine-gunning. They’d start the motorcycle, stop it, start it, stop it, and after 3 times of this little game, it was back to the barking fits as Jesse obviously left either with or right after his cycle pal left.

Again, one person. Just one person lives there! Yet as fed up as I am with all the noise coming from up there, I know that to move would cost us twice as much with 10 times more noise. Your average rental is over a grand AND you have to pay all the utilities. At least here, as annoying as it can get, we don’t have to deal with the car stereos and that’s the worst thing of all to have to live with. It’s also nice not to have any screaming kids around.

It’s now the weekend, but I know that this no longer means we’ll get any peace. It’s like Jesse’s going out every single day now and for longer periods of time.

Just when I started to think the rain we’d never get that we finally did get was worthless after all, since it doesn’t stop the dogs from going off unless it’s coming down really hard, I wish it would rain every day because it keeps him off that damn motorcycle I wish I could smash to smithereens! I wish he’d get in an accident and develop a phobia of motorcycles!

So now I’m scrambling to do the electronic proofreading of The Influencer, now that the silent reading is done before the day’s calamity begins. The Influencer has a surprising number of typos, which means We’ll Meet Again Someday probably does too, and so I’ll eventually do the electronic reading on that which I had decided wasn’t necessary.

That eBay member that won (or practically stole) the Barbies, emailed me to let me know how pleased she was that I added those 4 extra dolls, and how much her 4-year-old daughter loves them. Well, steal of a deal or not, better to be in the hands of a delighted kid than in a box in our closet.

Where I made Journal of the Day on Christmas, I made Profile of the Day yesterday.

Guess that’s it for now. I’m going to get proofreading, entering sweeps, doing some laundry, and then I’ll fill you in on the day’s noise later on or tomorrow.

Yesterday was a nightmare with the dogs, not surprisingly. Yeah, we figured Jesse would go to someone else’s house. I can’t picture him entertaining at all or cooking or whatever.

I’ve noticed a definite pattern with the dogs, and yes, it’s definitely about them not liking to be left alone versus something stirring them up. Anyway, the first time they go off is for about an hour. After that, it’s scattered bursts of barking that usually last 5-20 minutes. Maybe once every hour or two they go on a barking fit. I’m beginning to think they don’t start with their initial hour-long barking spree the instant he leaves, though. Before he went back to work, it’s not like he never left the property at all, yet we rarely got hit with barking spells that went on for an hour or more. So I’m thinking they don’t start until he’s been gone for more than an hour, cuz when I think back on it, he’d usually come and go quite frequently, never being gone for more than 20 minutes to a half an hour at a time.

Anyway, we have until the 1st to decide exactly how we want to proceed. Different things could produce different pros and cons. The only thing I know we’re not going to do is nothing at all. This is way too much to deal with and I think we’ve sat back and dealt with enough noisy neighbors in the past. If I could know it would be 15 minutes a day or something like that, I could live with it. But not barking that mounts to hours instead of minutes.

I forgot to mention that I won a $50 ESPN GC and that Mary made me a Christmas card that’s really quite nice, even though she knows I still hate Christmas with the way it disrupts our lives and brings out the worst in people.

Later…

Less than an hour to go before our hour-long barking spree and I soooo don’t want to hear it! I keep the air cleaner and sound machine on in the living room and bedroom, but I can’t even piss or shower in peace in the bathroom, and of course I can’t do anything in peace in the kitchen either because those areas are too far away from the sound machines. If it were summer, I could put the fan on over the stove, but it’s definitely not summer. I am sooooo sick of having to deal with dogs every single fucking place we go! Every single fucking place! They were a problem in Phoenix, they were a problem in Maricopa, they were a problem in both places we lived in Oregon, and now they’re a problem here in California as well. There’s no way this could be happenstance. This is a definite, definite curse from above. But why???????

Right now I’ve got the sound machines off and am listening to the rain and wind outside. I swear we’ve gotten more rain in the last month than in a year in Arizona! I hope it’s quiet today being Christmas and all, but that’ll depend on whether or not Jesse stays home.

And now the rain is dying down. I swear I heard what sounded like a frog until I turned the kitchen light on.

Although I knew my parents weren’t exempt from getting older any more than the rest of us, the idea of them no longer being able to travel or do certain things seems weird. In my mind, I still see the able-bodied, able-minded people I’d always known them to be. But now I’m the one who’s stronger and abler in some ways if not most ways, and that’s kind of strange. I may have ended up learning more things in life because I didn’t have kids which left me open to being exposed to more experiences, but it’s still weird. And it’s sad to think that while they can still do some things and while their minds may still function, they’re basically sitting on death row and waiting for the end.

I thought I could never shed another tear over them even if I wanted to. For the longest time, I felt nothing, not even anger. But that changed as of yesterday.

I won’t be able to help them in the end or go to their funerals because of other family members I don’t get along with, but I am ok with this. Why? Because I know there are others who will take care of them in the end, and I also know that it wouldn’t be them in those coffins, but only the bodies they lived in when they lived as humans. Those bodies will simply be old shells and I cannot see them there. I can and will see them after my own time is up and not before. But I will see them. At least I’m pretty sure that’s what I believe. Of course I’d like them to be younger and healthier again, but I can’t make that happen, and I can’t make things better for them in any way and so I just have to accept that, and I have. So all I can say is that I hope they’ll be able to send me a sign somehow from the other side and let me know they’re ok. Here I go bawling again.

I believe they’re sorry for many of the things they’ve done, and while there may be a part of me that may never be able to fully forgive them, I don’t harbor the anger I used to. As for forgiving Larry, Tammy or Tom’s family, I don’t know. Maybe with an apology, but I just don’t know. An apology wouldn’t change things, but it might help. If Larry apologized for being a hypocrite, if Tammy apologized for paving the way for the blacks to set me up and have me thrown in jail, if Ronnie could get over being mad at me for getting more from Nana and Pa’s house than he wanted me to get, and if Marge apologized for letting us starve in motels while she had nearly a quarter-million dollars just sitting the bank, maybe I could then move on after apologizing for my own wrongdoings, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. Especially since I don’t think these people believe they did anything wrong in the first place. When we were sitting there hungry in that Oregon motel, I remember saying to Tom, “My God, not even my folks would refuse to help us if they could!” They sure proved me right about that one a few years later. And Marge didn’t just refuse to help us, she used her son, my beloved husband, quite badly till we finally put our foot down and said enough is enough before leaving Arizona! That’s mostly why she left us to suffer on our own; because we were no longer conveniently usable.

In the end, I never expected to make peace with all my enemies and I’m not sure I’d want to. If you don’t like some of the people you’ve had problems with anyway, then what’s the point? We’re better off continuing to go our separate ways.

Anyway, while I’m glad to be updated on their health, even if it’s not good, they didn’t answer my questions about whether or not they’ve seen my journal, read my stories, seen my pictures, or if they want any of those things sent to them. So they’re either checking these things out online or they aren’t interested, which is fine either way. The letter appears to have been printed on an inkjet, so they’ve definitely got a computer of some kind. If I had to guess I’d say no, they’re not reading this journal or my stories, but I don’t have a guess about Webshots. I can see them maybe wanting to check out the pics, but I don’t think they’d be interested in anything I’ve written, but again, that’s ok. I’d never want anyone to feel obligated to read my stuff.

Later…

Kids of today are terrible! Just total monsters from hell. We went to the Laundromat so we could do the comforter and there were like 5 of them running around the place screaming, and of course the parents wouldn’t do shit about it. Does anyone anywhere teach their kids manners and respect anymore? Or is that totally a thing of the past?

The place was kind of scummy and the toilet was chock full of shit, but at least the comforter is clean.

Another thing to drive me crazy was the fucking dogs, but just like yesterday, it seemed to go on for an hour in the morning, from 7:30 - 8:30. I still intend to slip a little note in with the rent payment as I’ve really had enough of this. It was hard to tell if he was home when we left and then returned just a little while ago. He’s been parking his old truck where he usually parks the new one, so maybe the new one is broken or something.

I don’t know what my schedule will be on New Year’s, but I hope I’m up. I not only love to watch the ball go down online, but if the renters are still back there, they’re going to get trigger-happy for sure. We’re out in the country, so I expect a lot of gunshots, but with them being just a few hundred feet away, I’d only get woken up for sure. I hope they’ve finally left, but this would only leave me to worry about what may come in to replace them. You know we’re not usually allowed to have good neighbors.

The dogs just started up again on a new tangent. Oh, God, why do you hate me so much?! What did I do? Why must we put up with shit every single fucking place we move to???

I wonder if the people on the other side of him can hear all the racket. They’re a little further away and it’s hard to say what’s between them, but I would think they could hear some of it, though not as well as we can.

When I got up I could barely raise my arms or walk, that’s how stiff my muscles are from the new exercise regimen I started. I ran for 10 minutes straight, then did another 5 about an hour later. I was going to do 5 minutes each hour from there on out, but I simply can’t do anymore today. I’ve got to let the muscles recover first. My legs feel like slabs of cement, but it’s a good feeling. Running super-fast in place works the calves harder than running in motion at normal speed. My arms are sore because I was flapping them up and down as fast as I could to help keep my arms and shoulders pumped up. I’ve been naturally muscular my adult life and while I don’t look like a bodybuilder, I’m the one people look at and say, wow, she’s got some muscle on her, alright, so building them up is the easy part. Especially in the shoulders, biceps, abs and calves. The hard part is speeding up my metabolism and eating fewer calories in order to lose weight. I don’t know that I can even lose any more than I already have.

We got to discussing where the horse testing stands, and so far, a little over $100 would bring a $150 profit every two days, $50 brings a little over $50 every two days, and $20 could actually call for a $10 loss. So it’s best not to start at under $50. The problem is, though, that if no one ever gives the guy a fucking job, we won’t have the money to start making money with in the first place! Talk about a real catch-22.

I do have a few Tonners I wouldn’t mind selling and they should easily bring enough to get started. Your average basic Tonner sells for $60-$70, and your average dressed one for $120-$130. If I put up two basics and one dressed for a ‘buy it now’ price of $149, what idiot wouldn’t go for that? Plus, I’d throw in their stands and an extra Gene outfit I have.

So Tom thought about it and said that due to how confident he feels about it based on the testing, we should be able to just go for it around January 9th, but keep the Tonners and whatever else on reserve to sell if need be. I agree that the testing has been better than ever, and for longer than ever, and while Tom’s going to continue the testing, we can, as he pointed out, change our minds if we want to. We’ve got a couple of weeks to decide. I don’t trust that he’ll get a job by February when our next car insurance payment is due, so we can’t not afford to take a chance, but I think I’d rather sell the dolls first as there’s no guarantee that they will sell for sure. Either way, whenever we get around to testing the program for real, I just hope it works! It has to. We can’t afford for it not to. Especially if no one gives him a job. But despite Tom’s knowledge of racing, programming and numbers, I worry he’s being overconfident and overestimating things. It wouldn’t be the first time or the first time we were teased with money. I want to either have money or just stay forever poor. I hate being jerked around with hope one minute and none the next! It’s still hard to believe we ever will have money. The longer something remains a certain way, the more it’s meant to be that way. Especially if we’ve tried to change the situation time and time again. It isn’t like we’ve never had money before, though. Actually, we have. It’s just that in one case it all went to a very expensive house, and in the other case we weren’t very wise about how it was spent. We spent too much and saved too little. But now that we’ve learned our lesson where money is concerned, I hope we get another chance to do things right!

Jesse didn’t appear to be home yesterday when Tom left and then returned from Safeway. Yet it was pretty quiet, so I’d say Jesse took the dogs with him wherever he went. Even Tom agrees the damn things wouldn’t be that quiet if they were there, and he wasn’t. We also agree that he can’t possibly have any idea what goes on here when he’s gone, but I’ll be sure to enlighten him soon enough.

I got emails from both Jessie and Paula. That’s a definite first! Jessie said she read a little of my story when things were quieter and will read more soon. She also asked how everything else was. Paula just said, “It’s me write me,” in the subject section of the email, but there was nothing in the body. I replied and thanked her for the Christmas card she sent.

Later…

Got a type-written letter from Dad today. It wasn’t very long. It mostly mentioned their health problems. My mother having surgery for breast cancer and to remove 40% of one of her lungs I knew about, as she told me back in the motel. I didn’t know she’d contracted the shingles in the hospital or that Dad had his gallbladder removed. He also partook in an experimental procedure to help with chest pain, but it was a bust.

It's just terrible that they have to go through this! Again, despite anything they’ve done in the past, I’m sorry they have to suffer like this. He says that at their ages it’s to be expected, but is it? I know we go through a lot of shit when we get older, but this much? I’d rather be dead before I went through half of what they’re going through, and I’d already been through more than most people go through by the time I reached 25.

I know I shouldn’t, but I feel a bit guilty and like they’re being punished because I was so upset with them for a while. I know that even as a psychic, it’s not my fault, but I still feel bad. Even though I didn’t understand my influencing ability till a few years ago, and couldn’t possibly know that my anger may’ve had a hand in, not making the things happen but helping them to happen, I still feel bad. They weren’t the greatest parents, but I sure as hell can’t say they were bad enough to deserve to suffer like this.

He also wished us the best and said they hoped everything I wanted would be forthcoming, and you know what? For the first time in decades I’m about to break down in tears, so why don’t I come back and finish this later?

Jasmine’s wondering if she’s going to be driven out of this country, as she puts it, due to the constant giving and taking of rights. Yeah, it’s crazy, alright! What’s scary is that if these bigots see that they can control gays, they’re going to go after other groups as well until somebody finally does the right thing and stops them.

The U.S. may not be like the Middle East or Africa as far as a lack of freedom goes, but in a lot of ways, it is. And I am ashamed of this country as much as I am proud of it.

It’s not raining out now, so the dogs are going to go off any minute.

I decided to try running really fiercely in place for 5 minutes each hour that I’m awake to see if that makes it less boring and less jarring to my joints, although the joint pain has decreased the more I get into better shape. I figured a workout is a workout whether it’s broken up or done all at once, right? Well, we’ll soon see how effective it is. I had first considered doing just one minute per hour, but because I’m in pretty good shape, it takes more than a minute to really boost my heartbeat. Only spotting a tarantula could get it booming in an instant!

I would’ve been back down to 133, but I’m 135 instead because I splurged yesterday.

I heard about this actress in a Christmas pageant who was suspended 25 feet in the air by a rope and fell to the concrete floor below and died. How horrible! As sad as this is, it makes me realize how easily I could’ve died 26 years ago. I fell just 5 feet less than she did to escape with a broken arm. Every second I was falling seemed like an eternity, so I can just imagine the horror she must’ve felt!

Tom says he’s sure I’m wrong in thinking the Supreme Court has no authority to overturn the ban, pointing out other cases where bans have been overturned. He also says no case has ever retroactively undone something that was legal either, so he doesn’t see how the gay marriages here will be nullified. I hope he’s right!

I just read an article on how the proud bigoted sponsors of Prop 8 are seeking to nullify some 18K Cali marriages. My God, this is so sick. Just sick! And you know what? The bigots WILL succeed and they ARE correct in saying that the Supreme Court has no authority to overturn the ban. Then once they see that they can destroy what gays have built up in a state this big, they’ll be after Massachusetts & Connecticut next. I swear gays will never get ahead. Never! I still can’t believe there are people in this world that miserable that they’d rather spend their time breaking up people’s marriages, than doing something constructive and meaningful. It makes me sicker than sick! I can see legally discriminating against groups of people 100 years ago, even 50 years ago, but today in 2008, almost 2009?! God, this world and the people in it really make me just want to throw up or move to a whole ‘nother planet!

It’s so weird seeing a place go from liberal to conservative. Usually, it’s the other way around if a place is going to change at all, but sadly, the farm animals here have more rights than some humans. Hate is a contagious thing and I have to wonder if it’ll ever rub off on me as there is so much of it around me.

In other news, the dogs drove me crazy again yesterday. From what Tom can see when he’s driving in and out, Jesse’s schedule isn’t as predictable as we thought it would be. He’s there sometimes in the afternoons and gone in the evenings. When I got up in the evening they were going off and he said he thinks someone picked him up because he heard a different vehicle. Well, either way, I’m SICK of this shit every time he leaves! I still intend to drop him a note about it too, but don’t know when. Tom obviously isn’t going to get that job in Roseville, thanks to whatever’s up there that doesn’t want me insured or to ever see a dentist again, and I’d rather wait till we find out if he’s ever even going to be able to work again in the first place before I say anything. Why bother if we’re still destined to die, even though I haven’t had bad vibes? People are sensitive, especially guys. So even though I don’t think Jesse will take it the wrong way, I’d like to know whether or not our income could ever be enough to escape any possible trouble here. But I’m not going to let the possibilities, however slim they may be, scare me from having a word with him no matter where we end up financially which will probably be dirt poor since I have no reason to assume otherwise. We’re the paying customers here and peace and quiet are supposed to be part of what we get. That’s why we came here in the first place, and we told him and Maryann that, too.

He used to be home just as much on weekends as during the week, but that’s not always the case anymore. Therefore, I can’t count on a peaceful weekend just because it’s the weekend. It’s definitely not like it used to be around here! At least I haven’t seen the renter’s dogs, though I’m not ready to assume they’re gone. That’d be too good to be true; to have had them here for just 4 months.

Let’s see, what else? I got a Christmas card from Paula and won a T-shirt for Tom.

The rats have figured out how to get my attention when I’m in the bedroom with the door shut at night working on the computer. They can’t squeal like guinea pigs so they just run around and shake the cage like an earthquake has hit it! Bendejo actually let me pat him, but that was only because he had climbed up the front wall of the cage and couldn’t exactly run away that easily. Puerco (pig) which I now call the other one, is getting rounder by the minute. Seriously, I never had a rat eat like this before! He isn’t my Tinkerbell, but he at least lets me handle him and is definitely friendlier, even if it’s mostly because he’s obsessed with food in which I’m the source!

Ever feel stuck in a rut and as if life is nothing but one big waiting game? That’s exactly how I feel right now. We’re waiting, waiting, and waiting, but nothing’s happening. When is he going to get a job? When am I ever going to get to a dentist? Tom said maybe we can find a dentist that does credit. Yeah, on planet Pluto maybe!

At least I managed to run 20 minutes today. Running really has helped boost my energy and has given me strength, endurance, stamina and flexibility. Even the Noni juice seems to be helping to keep me from getting sluggish now that I’ve been drinking it for nearly a week. I still wish I could cut my daily calories to 800-1000, instead of 1200-1400, but since I can’t, this is why I want to get up to 30 minutes a day of running. That’d burn approximately 300 calories, so having 1300 would be like having 1000, wouldn’t it?

Last night I dreamt that we were on some land, apparently ours and apparently somewhere in the desert, and so that was the good part. The bad part was that Tom had to walk into town to get us food because something was wrong with the car. Although we knew he had a long walk ahead of him, neither of us appeared to be all that worried in any serious way.

Although I sure hope this dream was a sign that yes, we’ll be able to buy some land and build a house in the desert one day soon enough, I still have to see it to believe it. Right now I think the best we can hope for is to rent something in a retirement community when he’s 55. Yes, the houses would be too close, but barking wouldn’t be an issue, although it’s been quiet since I’ve been up, and Tom says it was quiet before that. Either way, dogs wouldn’t be left outside unattended 24/7, and the place would be bigger and more modern.

I’m not going to be able to lose any more weight without cutting my calories under 1000 a day and I just can’t do that. I suppose I could run more, but I don’t know. I’ll probably just stay where I’m at.

I first awoke at 3 PM yesterday afternoon at 133.2 lbs., then ended up taking a 2-hour nap which I just awoke from after taking a Benadryl. I wasn’t sneezing non-stop like a couple of weeks ago, but I had the sniffles and was sneezing a little, so I took one.

Still no snow, but lots of rain.

The radio ended up selling for $63, a little more than we expected, but not enough to start the program, which would take just $50, so Tom says. Either way, it’s a bust until and if I ever see differently. I gotta assume that to think the best and to get my hopes up would be more of a letdown if it didn’t work out.

Anyway, the radio really made up for the Barbies only selling for a buck. In fact, used Barbies have been doing so lousy on eBay that I’ve decided not to launch the 11-lot. Instead, I threw 4 dolls from that lot into this one going to Indiana tomorrow (which was all I could fit in the box), so the little girl getting it will be surprised with 14 dolls and not 10. Only half will be Barbies, the rest will be friends of hers. The radio’s just gonna drop down to SoCal.

We’re scheduled for a propane delivery tomorrow, but they never come the day they’re scheduled. Tom will wait and wait and wait, then he’ll call to be told they had an emergency, and then they’ll come tomorrow.

I ended up jittery and queasy yesterday due to all the caffeine I stupidly had. My heart was racing and I felt nauseous to the point of having to lie down for a while.

The Noni juice I won tastes a bit nasty and I haven’t felt any magical effects from it yet. I can’t believe there’s such a thing in this world as a $42 bottle of juice, even if you only drink an ounce a day and it’s a 33-oz. bottle!

Later…

It rained long, hard and steady last night and most of today. We even had some hail at one point. I love listening to the sound of the rain and wish it would rain more often to keep the dogs quiet. Jesse apparently did return to work, so that’s the only reason it was quiet. Once it clears off I’m sure they’ll be back to barking on and off all day until I get fed up enough to talk to him and remind him that I’m still down here having to deal with it while he’s gone.

What sucks is that we may actually get down into the 20s tomorrow night – ugh!

Jessie replied to my message saying, “I’m good, just home with a cold. I wonder why you had that dream. That’s scary.”

As I reminded her, it doesn’t mean she’ll fall through any ice and drown, but with my accuracy rate, it could very well be a sign of trouble ahead, so she should watch her back.

For the first time ever the propane guy came the day he was supposed to and fortunately I didn’t get shorted too much sleep. Just an hour or two. But since we’re at our coldest, we’ll probably need him to come back in just 4 weeks or less.

Meanwhile, if things don’t improve for us financially real soon or I can’t have insurance, I’m going to numb my gums and pull my own teeth!

No evil snow yet, thank God! It sure was chilly, though, when we went to Starbucks this afternoon. I needed a light jacket. Starbucks is so overpriced, though they had a lot of good stuff. We had to pay almost a buck for what I got since it went over the $10, but we’re not that broke. I ended up getting peppermint mocha twist coffee, and chocolate-covered coffee beans, since Tom didn’t want anything. I’m going to be up a long, long time, but it’ll be worth it!

The Barbies only sold for a buck which kinda sucks, and they’ll be on their way to Indiana. It was funny because the woman who won them as a Christmas present for her daughter said the kid would be so excited to know they were coming all the way from California! I said that to Tom too, when we listed them. I said we may not get much for them, but that coming from here may be a plus for us. Yes, I do love this state when it’s not shitting on its gay residents! So anyway, I told her I understood the “Cali craze” having grown up in Massachusetts myself.

The radio’s doing a lot better with 7 watchers and 3 bids. It’s up to $26.99 and ends in 20 hours. Still not sure if we’re going to list the 11-lot of Barbies as planned.

I’m a little worried about Jessie and so I sent her an email. I told her I didn’t mean to scare her, but to please let me know if she’s ok because I had a dream she fell through the ice of a frozen pond and drowned! I may not get to talk to her much and I may never see her again, but she’s still such a nice person. I’ve known her forever and I know I could trust her with everything we own, too. She hasn’t one mean bone in her body.

We got a new battery for the scale and I decided that if I was up two or more pounds I wouldn’t resume dieting. I was 136 before the last battery died. So I stepped on the scale and it said I was 138, and so I said, “Okay, no more dieting.” 

But then Tom, who insisted all along that I hadn’t gone up, reminded me that I had to calibrate the scale to reset it. That’s when it told me the truth. I’m actually down a pound! So starting tomorrow I’m going to start up the diet again, though I don’t know how successful I’ll be. I can discipline myself with the running, but not the dieting. I haven’t been going up to 1500 calories for the most part, but I haven’t been down to 1000 either. I’ve been having around 1200-1400 a day. Not today, though!

I won a bottle of Tahitian Noni Juice. It’s a monthly sweep I’ve been entering for a while now. You only drink an ounce a day, but it’s not an energy drink like I thought it was. I don’t know what’s so special about it, but hey, it’s free! I haven’t tried it yet, though, cuz it says to drink it with meals and I’ve been so busy being bad with my Starbucks goodies that I haven’t had any real food yet today.

I’m probably forgetting other odds and ends, but if I think of anything else I’ll update later on like I usually do.

Up to 3 radio bids on eBay, but still nothing on Barbie.

Tom says he’s 60/40 right now as far as whether or not he thinks he’ll get that job. I’m 50/50. It’s shitty pay and not close to home, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he got it just because of that. On the other hand, it’s hard to believe I’ll ever have insurance again, especially anytime soon, and this place would have good insurance, too. The kind BOA had. AND it would be affordable in that they wouldn’t take half his paycheck for it.

The reason he’s gone up to 60% is because of the last place he worked in Oregon. Well, they’ve not only heard of the place before, but they’ve done business with them. So that’s what initially caught their attention when they were going through resumes.

I keep thinking about what we’d do if we won big versus if we didn’t win big (it’s too soon to know yet). They both certainly have their pros and cons, although I’d still prefer to win big of course. Yes, I would be afraid to travel again after what happened last year, even with tons of money. Yes, I would be paranoid about losing the house, and as for staying in motels again, I don’t know that I ever could.

On the other hand, to think that this is it and that this is as far as we’ll ever go in life kinda sucks. Yes, it’s better than funny farms, foster homes, jails, motels and rocking apartment complexes, but I don’t want to rent tiny little dumps all my life either, even if it’s relatively peaceful here and definitely very private and secluded. I want to be able to have a full-size washer that’s hooked up all the time, ready and available the instant we want to use it. Instead, I have to drag our little portable one over and hook that up. It’s better than nothing at all, but I think you get my point. I want to be able to walk around both sides of the bed, not just one side and part of the foot.

Either way, I’ll be devastated if we’re let down yet again with this new idea. I should probably tell myself to quit dreaming. After all, the longer something is a certain way, the less likely it is to change. And like I’ve also said before, I wouldn’t be cursed with this sleep disorder if it weren’t meant to hold us back. Yet dreams are what keeps us going in life so it’s hard to just give up on the idea of one day owning our own home again.

I’m still hoping it doesn’t snow, even though it couldn’t possibly stick here. Still, seeing just one snowflake fall from the sky would be bad enough! Tom was teasing me about it before he went to bed, saying he’d be sure to have the driveway shoveled. Real funny! It sure is windy out there now, though. It’s nice being able to hear the wind chimes. I haven’t been able to because I’ve had to run the sound machine to drown out the fucking barking.

Later…

Well, it’s not snowing now, but it sure is raining. Of course it is! He just sprayed. Had he not sprayed it wouldn’t rain for ages! I love listening to the sound of the rain, though it hasn’t been steady. A cloud will burst for a minute or two, then nothing. Then a few minutes later it happens again.

They’re saying it’s going to rain AND snow here this weekend! OMG, I sooooo hope they’re wrong about the snow! We’re not much more than 1000’ in elevation and we’re not THAT northerly for being in NorCal. Yup, I really do miss the desert! AND owning our own home AND living in something that wasn’t built before I was born!

Let’s see… what else? Jesse’s dogs were going off a little while ago, but it seems like he was there to shut them up. I still want them moved to the other side of the house. He cut up more of the trees today too, but didn’t disturb us while he was at it.

That’s it for now. We’re just kicking back and doing our usual computer work here. I ran earlier, then entered sweeps while he did some programming, and now I’m going to go work on my story. After my chicken dinner anyway.

So Tom had his interview today. He said he’s not sure if they’re going to hire him or not and that the only thing they said that made him think they might was when they said not to be surprised if he didn’t start until the end of next week if he gets hired. He also said he thinks that if he did get hired, he’d be hired on permanently within 60-90 days and that they’d have really good insurance being a big company. They have offices in other countries as well.

That’s what happened in my dreams last night; he came home unsure as to whether or not he was going to get hired. For some reason, I turned to him and said, “At least they can’t hire you on for just $5.”

I wonder why none of my dreams ever take place here. The place we were in last night’s dream looked nothing like this. I don’t know what it was.

Tom went out and sprayed again since it probably won’t rain again for centuries. It’s 77º in here right now, but the temp drops fast once the sun sets, so I’ll be bundled up in my robe soon enough.

Oh, and while he still doesn’t know about the vacation pay the temp company owes him, the prize was for real after all. A $10 Starbucks card! Nothing Tom would ever want, but that I’m looking forward to for myself! I want to try their new candies.

So we each won each other gift cards. He won me this and I won him the Apple card!

I don’t have any vibes about the job one way or the other, but when I think about it, it’d be just our luck to get that kind of not-so-great pay and that far away from home, even though they could raise his pay soon enough. But then I have my doubts cuz of the insurance thing, something which whatever’s up there hasn’t wanted me to have in nearly 5 years now. I’m really backed up in physical repairs too, between my teeth, ear, eyes and an ingrown toenail. I’d be thrilled just to start with the teeth!

Tom said he was actually making $10.50 at the other place. I didn’t know that. I thought it was $10 even. I forgot about his raises.

Right before 5:00, we heard a super loud truck that would’ve woken me up for damn sure had I been asleep. I guess Jesse’s using a new propane company because they started to come down here. So he zoomed down on the ATV to tell them where to go and said that tomorrow he’s going to be cutting up the trees he’s got scattered along the sides of the driveway. I just hope he lets me sleep!

So Jesse is indeed out of work again. I like how it keeps the dogs quieter. In fact, I turned down the air cleaner in the living room so we could enjoy the peace and quiet we came here for till he returns to work. I just hope he won’t make up for it with engine gunning!

Jesse asked if we’d seen the dogs (we haven’t) and he said he hasn’t seen them either. That’s kind of surprising but nice. I don’t think they were what was stirring his dogs up when he was working, though. I think they were just lonely.

We’re now up to 5 radio watchers on eBay, but still just 1 for Barbie. She has 1 day and 20 hours to go, while the radio has 2 days and 19 hours to go.

I won a book, but that’s it for today. I’m still getting more in samples than in wins.

There’s now one person watching the Barbies and two watching the radio on eBay.

It’s back to being warm enough during the daytime that we don’t need the heat. It got up to 80º in here today. A couple of days ago it was so cold that we needed heat in the middle of the day, and even the water heater was firing up late at night because it was too cold for it to retain its heat.

When I was out hanging sheets I heard what sounded like a beam of wood falling up at Jesse’s place. He’s been home which is why it’s been quiet, so I’m wondering if he’s fencing the area around his house or something, because like I said, no one’s ever going to do anything about the renter’s dogs.

I’ve been running indoors cuz of the dogs and decided I oughta start wearing my running shoes. Well, I was surprised at how fast I tired out today what with my not being used to wearing shoes lately. I not only thought I was in better shape, but the shoes are so lightweight as well!

Tom is still testing his program and that’s really all I can say about that right now.

Last night I dreamt we were in a house, apparently of a good size and very much our own, and there were 5 or 6 cans of paint sitting on the table before me. I was trying to decide which rooms to paint in what colors. In reality, if I were going to do anything to walls I’d go with murals or wallpaper, but hopefully this was a sign that soon enough that choice will be ours because we will once again own our own home.

In what may or may not be good news, Tom has a job interview this Thursday. It’s in Roseville and would only pay $10 - $12, but we both agree he should take whatever he can until and if we’re able to work from home. It is a bigger company that seems to do similar work to what he was doing before, so hopefully that’ll get him hired on soon enough. The biggest thing is getting insurance once and for all so I can get to a dentist!

I think he’ll get the job. It’s only two miles closer to home, it’s not great pay, and they usually don’t set up interviews unless they’re serious about hiring. His was the only application out of 3 that they were interested in too, so unless they’ve got a thing against older guys, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was hired on at least as a 1st shift temp.

Tom said he thought he heard voices when he was outside on the cell. Wouldn’t it be neat if I jinx-wrote Jesse as well? As in to staying home? That would explain why it was quiet today.

He also got a call (I guess it isn’t always just the big ones that call after all) saying I won $42 worth of some kind of energy juice. I can’t think of what sweep that might’ve been from, but they said they were sending it out today, so I guess I’ll find out soon.

Tomorrow’s breakfast and dinner will be free. At least for me it will be since it’s not something Tom would be interested in. I got coupons for a free oatmeal-like breakfast and a gourmet TV dinner.

When Tom went to read my story last night, he caught a major discrepancy right off the bat. I described “James” as being in uniform. Then a few paragraphs later I described his daughter as being dressed in casual attire “like her father.” So I corrected that. That’s what I get for taking so long of a break on that story!

Tom’s alternating between working on his program and playing games and I’m wishing I could go into a coma till February. It’s not even 5:00 yet it’s already just about dark out there and 39º! The only good in it is that it seems to be keeping Jesse off the motorcycle.

I’m playing more games on Kiwi like Hangman and Poker, which Tom gave me a crash course in, along with Slots and Memory Match for more points.

Not surprisingly, I haven’t gotten a reply from Paula.

The radio has a bid, but not the Barbies. They probably won’t get bids till closer to the end.

I jinx-wrote my ring to fit! I did an online entry saying it fit perfectly when in fact it really almost fit perfectly. Now it fits perfectly! I don’t know why I’m still going down as I haven’t really been cutting my calories as low as I should. But I have been running 20 minutes nearly every day up and down the length of the trailer, so that’s probably why. The scale battery has been dead so I can’t say what I weigh.

When Tom went to get the mail at noon, he saw that Jesse was there, which explains why it had been so quiet. But then he was gone when he returned, so I figured it’d get noisy. Surprisingly enough, though, it’s continued to be quiet.

Tom may quit working for this temp company altogether if we don’t win big first because they still haven’t paid him his vacation time. It’s only a day, but still, he wouldn’t want to make the company any more money if they’re going to rip him off, and of course he never got his “prize” from their bogus raffle either.

We put up a 10-lot of Barbies on eBay and it’s going to run for a week. We didn’t get to the radio because the Barbie listing took longer than we expected. We’ll list the radio tomorrow.

We don’t expect to get a lot, though we sure do hope to get somewhat of a decent amount for this stuff, yet everyone wants something for nothing or very close to it. Especially on eBay!

It sure has been like old times around here this weekend - nice and quiet. I loved it! Like I said, it’s got a part of me wishing Jesse would quit working again. It sucks to know that as of tomorrow, it’s back to non-stop barking till Friday night.

I know my entries have been short and boring lately, but there’s just not much going on right now.

Wow, it froze last night! I miss summer!

Later…

Paula called the landline earlier, which was amazingly static-free for a change. I told her I just sent her a letter, and she says she wants to send me money to cover the shipping of the stuff she’d like to have that I’d also like to send her. I really appreciate her covering the shipping as broke as we are. When and if we win big I’ll not only get her favorite incense for her and ship it to her myself with whatever else, but it’d be really nice if I could surprise her with a plane ticket so she could come visit us if we could ever get settled into a home of our own!

She’s had stomach pains the doctors can’t figure out, and has lost her C-8. She’s not working. She’s paying full rent of $650 for a 2-bedroom on the 3rd floor of a triple-decker which she says is ok noise-wise, but because of arthritis in her legs, she wants to move so she doesn’t have to climb so many stairs. She only gets $750 a month in checks and $150 a month in food stamps. How she manages is beyond me! I know she’s driving (because she went to take Coco home in the end) and so she’s got car expenses, too.

Her oldest son, Robert, with whom she hasn’t had much contact, had a baby boy with this girl 4 months ago, and not surprisingly, DSS took it away because he was not only abusing it but the girlfriend was, too. Gee, why doesn’t this surprise me?

What did surprise me was Justin. I told her I tried to email her, but the message bounced back. She asked Justin what the address was and he shouted, “I don’t know! You made it!”

So I tried to talk her through how to send an email to me, but she can hardly even type. She had such a hard time trying to figure out how to type in the ‘at’ symbol. So after we talked a little more, she went to take Coco home and that’s when Justin surprised me by setting up a new email account for her, then he sent me an email to which I replied, but I haven’t heard back from Paula herself yet. I sent my journal and photo links, but Justin will probably have to help her with that, too.

Anyway, I expected Justin to sound much like Paula, but there wasn’t a trace of aggression or anger in his voice, not that Paula was or sounded angry herself. She actually laughed a lot, but sadness overtook her voice when she talked about the stuff she lost in that fire. Justin sounded calm and soft compared to Paula, and surprisingly intelligent, especially with computers. He wants to major in computers in college after he gets his GED. If he could do that without beating up some girl and fathering a child before he’s 25-30 and has a chance to live and to grow, that’d be great!

She has a dog now, too. A small terrier. It was annoying us both.

Anyway, she says she’s up till 2 AM these days, but I haven’t gotten a reply yet. It’s only midnight there so we’ll see.

It’s been dead quiet since I got up, and I almost wish Jesse could be out of work again for some new injury if not the old one. The dogs are pretty much only quiet when he’s home. He’ll sic the engine-gunning on us, though, to make up for it.

We mailed off my parents’ letter yesterday. They could get it as early as Monday, but more likely Wednesday.

Today’s eBay day. We decided to put up some stuff we don’t want, like the satellite radio I won, plus we’re going to do a couple of Barbie lots. I have a 10-lot and an 11-lot that I’m going to run back to back instead of simultaneously so people can’t ask for combined shipping. They’ll still get there before Christmas, though, assuming that since these are older Barbies that aren’t boxed, they’ll be going to some kids somewhere.