18 times? 18 times Nane’s gone to Turkey in the last 4 years, so I read on her wall?! What the hell was she thinking??? Ah, but now she’s thinking she needs a change. She just needs to figure out what kind of change. Why doesn’t she just come here? Jim and Tom could entertain the rat. She and I could entertain each other in the bedroom. :)

No offense to any TR lovers out there but I just don’t get why in the world she would want to go there and eventually live there. From what I’ve seen and heard, TR is filthy and overcrowded. It’s also a Muslim nation, which usually means a lot of hate for gays, Jews, women and children. The beaches suck, too. The water looks somewhat nice, but the beaches aren’t even real beaches. You know, with fine sand and things like that? Instead, it seems too rocky and full of pebbles that I would think would hurt one’s feet to walk on. Furthermore, Iran and Iraq are always threatening to take their rage on Israel out on them. So why would anyone want to endanger themselves by going there?

I did end up hearing from Christiane after all. Well, she responded to my wall post, though I highly doubt she reads any of my notes. Been wondering if Nane, who seems to be spending more and more time on Facebook lately, has been reading them, though. That’s because after I posted that rant about her being so selfish, she posted some wall photos with sayings on them that suggested she may be reading them like, “Never let them steal your joy.” And, “If you had a friend that talked to you like you sometimes talk to yourself, how long would you be their friend?” LOL, I was happy to share them on my wall too. :) Doesn’t she know I can see her shit? LOL, I appreciate the goodies she posts, though I’m kind of surprised. With or without her dumped ex-cyber GF in the picture, I’m surprised she’s not more private. Then again, she doesn’t exactly bare it all. I know she has a lot more pictures than what you can see from the outside looking in. That’s okay, one former stripper baring it all is enough. :)

I’m trying to remember if she posted publicly before she dumped me. I can’t remember for sure, but I don’t think she did. Like I said, I can’t swear to it. I don’t usually pay attention to who posts what and for whom because I just don’t care. All I care about is what I post and who sees it and so I only pay attention and think of myself. Yay, I can be selfish too, after all!

Her wall photos were all in English. I don’t think Nane realizes just how much German I’ve learned simply because we never bothered to speak in it because she is fluent in English (even though she pretended not to be in the end) and so she would not know. I’m far from fluent, but I know enough to get the gist of what I read and I could get my point across if I had to. It may be grammatically incorrect and some sentences may have some missing words, but you’d get the point.

But is she really reading my notes? Hmm… my first instinct is to say no, she’s not. Why would you want to read the journal of someone you dumped? But we all seem to keep tabs on either exes or people we don’t like. I read most of Molly’s so-called journal, but you can bet it’s not because I like her in any way. I do it because it’s so crazy that it’s funny. I also would like to know about it if I or anyone else is threatened. I don’t think Mommy got Alison’s message yet after all. I thought she did cuz Molly deleted both her blogs but she does that every few days anyway when she realizes just how bad it makes her look.

The only thing I read in her latest cries of misery and rejection from those that have either abused her or that she stalks, is that she just may end up in that group home after all. But would they keep her offline? Or at least limit her time and supervise where she goes and what she does?

As sad and as surprising as it may sound, a small part of me can relate to the nutty troll. I know how hard it can be to let go. Only I try to respect people’s wishes and let them be. I may peek in on them, but I don’t create one account after another to friend, message, comment and hound them from quicker than they can block them. Still, I know the sadness and anger that comes from being dumped, and Nane sure picked the worst timing, regardless of how many times she told me I was attractive, funny, and a talented writer.

I wish I were “meaner” and a bigger bitch than I can be at times with a much colder heart. I don’t have to ask myself if I would be dumb enough to be her friend again if she wanted to be. I know I would be. And I also know she would probably toy with me again and eventually she’d dump me again too, either for something I didn’t do or because I may hit another rough patch in life that she wouldn’t be strong enough to handle. But as they say, if you can’t handle someone at their worst, then you don’t deserve their best, do you?

Got a lot of wind and rain last night and we’re on for rain tonight and tomorrow supposedly, yet I don’t hear any falling. Then it’s back to being warm and sunny.

Alison’s pretending to be a troll like Molly from a bogus account on Thoughts, LOL, and Molly’s already responded to it. Don’t know yet if she found it on her own or if Aly lured her in, but I replied to Aly the troll’s cries for help and trying to understand why no one would talk to her with: Relax! It’s easy. All you have to do to be a successful troll is drive people batshit crazy with obsessive neediness and cries for “help.” If that doesn’t work, stalk them for years until they are forced to go underground and make up bogus accounts to escape your unwanted attention. Make up lies and stories about them, too. Get paranoid and delusional and make yourself believe they’re talking about you when in fact they’re not. This is because they really don’t give a shit about you enough to find you worth talking about in the first place. If this doesn’t work, drink a shitload of soda and gain 30 pounds. :)

Today’s the memorial service for Dad. I didn’t realize they also got plots for one who has been cremated, but it’s courtesy of the veteran’s cemetery since my dad was in the Navy, and well, some people still like to have a place they can go from what I’ve learned.

I remember a time at the beach when I was no more than about 10 years old. Dad and I took a leisurely stroll down to “the dock,” as we called it, heading away from the flat rocks. Those who know Old Colony Beach would know what I’m talking about. I was playing with a stick or a straw of some kind that I’d been carrying with me when we happened upon a plastic pail filled with water and a jellyfish in it. I don’t know whose it was or what it was doing there, but for some reason, I felt compelled to poke at it with that stick or straw I had. Just one of those funny/fond memories to look back on.

I wonder what my mom will do with the store. I would guess she’d have to sell it. I can’t imagine her running it all by herself, though Dad once mentioned having people to help them. It’s hard not to worry about her and wonder what will become of her.

I am very glad to know that despite the sadness I feel right now that Operation Bridge the Gap has been successfully completed. This means it is a huge relief to know we’ve got the rent covered till April when we could get unemployment if they laid him off right now! As well as a relief to know he could buy a new car if he had to and even if it meant being stuck here another year because of it.

Next, we can hope he gets a permanent job, but whether or not he does, we have to decide what operation March is. I guess it’s Operation Get Rid of Old/Unwanted Shit? Then April is Operation Sell Old/Unwanted Shit? I’m just glad he can get boxes at work. That makes it a lot more convenient, since packing and moving are enough of a bitch, though I don’t mind the packing and unpacking. We have a system now as many times as we’ve moved. I pack, he carries, LOL.

No matter what it sounds like around here, we’ve definitely outgrown this place. I still find it hard to believe the people in an adult community would be as loud and as regular about it as this fucktard is. I just hope we can get in and find out! I still think most would agree with me that 5-10 barks a few times a day is one thing, but 6 hours at a time??? Even just once a week, 6 hours is a bit overkill.

I was thinking of Tammy. I will admit I was hesitant to burn any bridges and walk away from someone who probably could and would rescue us from our next crisis if my folks weren’t around to do so, but I still think it’d probably be best to quietly walk away at some point. I’ve got time to decide this, but it isn’t just that what she did was too big to forgive or that she’s scarily vindictive when pissed, but because I simply don’t care any more than I care about some waitress that may’ve waited on me in Friendly’s in Springfield in 1978. So I can sort of relate and understand Tom’s family’s “moving on” ways. She was someone I once knew/saw long, long ago that isn’t the type I’d normally be buddies with anyway, and it will eventually be time to move on.

While I am glad to know I have thoughts of our goals to help keep me going, it’d be nice if I spotted some picture of a hot chick as a bonus to help carry my mind off to Never Never Land for a while and away from my dad. It would help fire up my creative writing juices again, but oh well. You can’t control lust any more than love. It’s just that one minute I’m thinking about what to eat or the weather, then next I’m thinking my dad shouldn’t be a pile of ashes right now. He should be home with his wife!

In the midst of my grief, I forgot to print a little retraction. I was wrong, Tom said, in saying Q10 helps with high cholesterol. It’s actually high blood pressure that it helps with. He’s been feeling better since he started taking Q10 supplements a few days ago, so hopefully this is the answer to revitalizing his energy. It’s also said to help make you live longer.

As for me, I still think my weight is going to keep climbing and climbing no matter how much I work out until I either miraculously find the strength to eat just 1200 calories a day every day, or I go to a doctor that finds something wrong with my thyroid, and I’ve wondered about that. Since learning of my dad’s death diet and exercise have been the last things on my mind, but tomorrow I may at least do a little walking. I’m up a pound or two since I quit dieting about a week ago. Initially, I dropped, but it was just water. Now I’m coming up as I expected I would.

Anyway, we’re not sure if he’ll get a permanent position or even if we’ll have insurance if he does. Even many of the permanent employees these days don’t have insurance. Sometimes it’s offered to them like it was in Oregon, but it’s simply not worth losing a buck an hour for and is just too expensive. It may be a week or two before we know if he got the job as they’re still taking applications for it and it will depend on what he’s got for competition.

Later…

Instead of getting the rain and peace I hoped I’d get, I got sun and saws instead. I’m sure it will rain when it’s dark and normally quiet anyway. Maybe someday I’ll get to live where I not only don’t have to hear other people’s animals but other consistent and annoying sounds as well. I won’t count on it, though.

I forgot to write about the latest Florida dream I had. Yeah, I finally had one last night, but oddly enough, still nothing pertaining to my dad. Not sure if I like this one as much, but in the dream, Tom and I were in Florida. We were at the home of two old ladies, though I don’t know who they were. One said we might be in for a record low of 25° that night and I sarcastically said, “Well, of course. I’m here now so why wouldn’t we be?”

Then Tom and I were driving along some road somewhere. Everything was very green and it appeared to be wet like it had recently rained. I was worried Tom wasn’t happy about being in Florida due to the humidity and lack of weather variety. He liked Oregon the best because of its mix of warm, cold, sun, rain and snow. Then I said something about how if you closed your eyes and didn’t know you were in Florida, you would never think you were in the desert.

It’s starting to get rather obvious to me that some people have been avoiding me and I’d really like to know why. I don’t know if they’re playing games, if they simply don’t care, or if something else is going on in their lives which I don’t know about, but whatever it is I hope they’ll tell me about it someday so I can stop wondering, worrying and guessing. If not, then I guess they’ve got their reasons. Even so, one example is how it kind of hurt that Christiane didn’t even care to reply to my message about my dad on FB, yet total strangers have come forth to offer condolences on thoughts.com, WTF? I think I really need to sit back and think about who’s really a friend and who’s not and stop wasting time over those who raise question marks in my head.

Later…

Yesterday was the first day I made it through without crying. Maybe that’s cuz I’m pretty pissed off right now – not hurt, not sad – just pissed. I’m going to go ahead and use first names so no one mistakenly thinks I may be referring to them when in fact I am not. It’s Christiane and Nane I’m pissed at right now and I don’t care if this note prompts Christiane into dumping me. Then again, she obviously doesn’t give much of a shit about me anyway, as I’m about to write about, so why would she care to read this, right?

Let me first start off by saying that most of us agree that a true friend is there for us throughout our good AND bad times. My buddies in the north and southeast that I’ve actually met – they’ve been there for me. Sure I’d like to hear from one of them a bit more often, but they’ve been there for me and that’s what counts. As one of them said, friendship shouldn’t be measured by how often you hear from your friends. I agree. But there are certain situations in which you should at least acknowledge a friend with a quick, “Hello” or “How are you?” or “I’m sorry” or “Hope you’re feeling better,” that I’m sure most people would agree with me on. Like when we lose a loved one.

Most of my cyber buddies which I’ve never met have been there for me, but I’m a little disappointed in Christiane and I’m thoroughly disgusted with Nane. Both know I just lost my dad, but neither one of them cared to take the time out to offer their condolences, and I know they’ve been online. Why the hell did Christiane add me if she doesn’t give a damn? To keep tabs on what I might say about Nane? I doubt it. She doesn’t strike me as the type to read my notes, though they can be read by friends of friends and I will admit I don’t know much about her. I know where she lives, when her birthday is, and what she does for work. That’s all I know. So no, she’s not a close friend. But still, if you add someone and you know they just lost their dad, wouldn’t it be polite to have at least a little common courtesy and offer condolences? Yet I only hear from her ONLY if I contact her first, and not all the time either.

As for Nane, that fucking Spitze Nase Hündin is a million times more cold-hearted and selfish than even I realized, and as I came to learn the hard way, she’s plenty bad enough! But now I’m at the point where I’m going from disliking her to actually hating her. I wished her well despite the way she so coldly shafted me in the end, but now I can’t wait till Jim dumps her and gives the bitch a taste of her own medicine. Then again, she’s already been fed a dose of that medicine after being with someone for 16 years, so you would think she should know better and what it’s like to be falsely accused of things and then coldly dumped like yesterday’s trash. All I know is that I was just totally ashamed and disgusted when I stupidly looked in on her wall today (yeah, that much was my fault). Instead of taking the time to at least send her condolences even if we’re not exactly friends anymore, she’s “trying to figure out where to spend her next vacation.” What a classic display of just how selfish and phony she can truly be! Oh, it isn’t that I have a problem with one enjoying the good life and their hobbies and things like that; it’s when they come before those they should still care about at least a little bit after all we’ve shared together. But that’s just Nane for you. First comes her travels, next comes her job, and last comes her friends and family. Nane wouldn’t cancel one of her many voyages to save her own mother’s life! When Jim gets fed up with her shit and leaves her I won’t feel the least bit sorry for her. He really oughta shove an anchor up her ass and pitch her overboard on their next little romp at sea!

It’s been a learning experience for me, though. I have learned to be a little pickier about who I befriend or let befriend me online, and these days I’m not really up to new buddies anyway, even if they’re sane, smart and good-looking. I just don’t want the drama again. It’s fun while it lasts, but then the drama eventually comes and ruins all that so-called fun.

My real friends definitely do help make up for some of these assholes. Maliheh had me laughing my ass off last night. She’s just funny even when she isn’t trying to be and has a natural sense of humor and a way with words (even if she did flunk out of writing in college) which cracks me up. I really needed that laugh, too. She also said there’s this song in Spanish she’d really love to sing but no matter how much she listens, she just doesn’t get it, LOL. It reminded me of Andy. About 20 years ago in Phoenix, he put on headphones and tried to sing along to a song of Gloria’s in Spanish as we recorded it. He had the lyrics in front of him and would sound it out to the best of his ability and how he thought the words should be pronounced. So fucking funny!

It was also the first time Maliheh “hugged” me. :)

A certain certifiably crazy individual had me going from amused to pissed and back to amused.

Last night I was amused to learn that in less than a week the troll left her engagement ring behind after she was smacked in the face by her BF’s elbow and told to find her own way to the airport if she wants to leave. Normally I would be appalled and enraged over any chick being physically abused in any way and would want to strangle the guy that did it. But in this case, if there’s any desire to strangle him it’s for not killing her or at least putting her in a coma so that some of us can live our online lives in peace. But knowing the kind of person this troll is, I have zero sympathy for her. Neither do my cyberbuds who are normally very empathetic people.

So her parents basically spent hundreds of dollars just so she could get “elbowed” in less than a week. Dumbshit should’ve kept the ring and sold it.

But then I stopped laughing once I realized that this sick twist would then take her anger at her BF and the whole damn world out on people online. I figured her mom would feel sorry for her after getting beat up and would be a little more lenient with letting her darling daughter go online unsupervised.

Sure enough, the sicko not only cried, whined, ranted and raved about the BF, but she also used a friend’s full name to bash and trash her with and that’s why I got pissed. I was pissed for my friend. I’ve been friends with this friend for nearly 4 years now and she has always been kind, smart, intuitive, funny and caring and just an all-around good person in every sense of the word. She’s also been through a lot of unwanted and unfair shit and the last thing she needs is to be verbally trashed by some delusional psycho full of all kinds of fantasies with no concept of right and wrong or fact and fiction. It doesn’t take a BA in psychology to see that this paranoid nutjob isn’t deliberately and knowing making up stories for the fun of it due to a warped sense of humor or anything like that. No, she’s truly delusional, out of her mind, and actually believes every bullshit thing she says. Most of the time, however, she is vague in her love/hatred for my friend. One minute she hopes to patch things up with a “former friend,” and the next she is spewing hate for her like crazy and wishing her death because my friend wants nothing to do with her and the psycho can’t seem to move on. It’s okay to feel hurt or angry over those who have cut us off. It’s even okay to write about it. It’s therapeutic. But there’s a right way and a wrong way to go about it and some things you just don’t put online for the entire world to see. Thoughts gives its users the option of setting individual posts to private, but that would defeat the whole idea for this lunatic. The idea is to hurt my friend by airing their dispute in public. The Thoughts staff did remove one of the blogs that listed her full name, but then she just carried her bullshit over to Blogger where she hasn’t been reprimanded yet (she left a link to it on Thoughts).

That’s when my friend had had enough and contacted Mommy Dearest once again who told her to let her know if she became a problem again. She thought she had blocked her but apparently, there was either a glitch or she unblocked her. Anyway, she let her know what was going on and how the troll runs to the library to harass people from there whenever she’s not allowed to go online at home.

What’s really frustrating as hell is knowing that this person really is truly crazy. I mean totally and utterly mad. She’s not just disturbed. She’s not just having a “hard time.” She’s not just dealing with a case of “anger management issues.” She’s CRAZY. C-R-A-Z-Y. And no amount of drugs, therapists or time can or will ever change that. If she could have her way she would spend the rest of her life stalking and harassing people online every single day, writing nasty things about them, following them from site to site, and making unwanted contact. And the more sites you’re a member of, the harder it is to avoid her. I don’t understand this obsession with online people and why she won’t try to seek the attention she craves so much from people she can actually see and meet. Perhaps this is because you can not only meet more people online, but you can also harass them easier than you can in person. You can create an endless number of accounts on various sites as well as email addresses to keep coming at them after they’ve blocked your millions of other accounts. But it’s harder to force your existence on people in person. This troll has no desire whatsoever to get a life. She doesn’t want to work. She doesn’t want to take up new hobbies. She doesn’t want to learn new skills. She doesn’t want to do anything but sit at home and be pampered and supported by her parents while she harasses people online.

My friend is pissed (and I don’t blame her) because her local cops won’t do shit to help her, only deepening my hatred for pigs in general even more. Not just because most of them are power-hungry bullies, but because of their warped sense of priorities. They could throw me in jail for something I supposedly wrote to one person that only that one person saw, but they don’t do shit to this little punk who bashes tons of people for the whole world to see??? WTF??? Just WTF?!?! How fucked up is that? It’s too bad my friend and I wasn’t black. Then the cops would do something, all right. All we’d have to do is cry racism and even if she really didn’t utter a single racial slur, it would be her word against ours.

What I don’t get is why they haven’t gone after her since she didn’t actually “do” anything. After all, this damn country seems to be really big on non-action crimes vs. action crimes, so why has this asshole been exempt from this twisted rule so far? They’ll go after someone for something they said or wrote faster than someone who stole a car or beat someone up, so what are the pigs waiting for? For her to go from taunts lies and threats to actually harming someone?

What was a little funny in the end was that Mommy Dearest must’ve gotten my friend’s message right away because both the troll’s blogs suddenly disappeared. She’s now “keeping her emotions out of her blog,” but we’ll see how many days that lasts. We’re not stupid. We know how this bitch is. It’s the mother that needs to do some serious growing up and reality-facing. She needs to realize her daughter is 100% hopeless as cruel and as harsh as that may sound to those she hasn’t stalked for many years. I just wish that if the troll had to be this way she’d cycle through different groups of people to stalk and not just stalk the same damn people continually for years. But the only new people she stalks are anyone who may become a friend of my friends.

I suggested my friend consider going underground. She’s thinking about it but doesn’t really like the idea. Some people want to be able to be themselves. I like to be myself too, so that’s why I only have that one Thoughts account where I don’t use any real names. But thanks to her, the few places I am myself in have to either be done in private or for friends only depending on the site. For now anyway. Meanwhile, I pray for the day she really fucks up badly. Bad enough to be locked up in either a funny farm or a jail and physically prevented from going online. That’s the ONLY thing that will ever stop her. She needs to be kept offline forever or at least forbidden from submitting content and contacting people somehow.

My friend has expressed a desire to be just as mean even though she knows it would be childish and doesn’t want to do anything that could get her own self in trouble, since no one will do shit about this troll, but we honestly can’t think of anything we could do that she would perceive as bad. If anything the troll would get off on it. She thrives on negative attention. When the troll failed to respond to my friend politely asking her to go away, she got nasty instead but no matter how nasty she got, it did no good whatsoever. The troll still either takes it as kindness or gets off on it. It’s sick. It truly is. And frustrating.

Had to really push myself to work out and do any housecleaning these last couple of days. Maybe tomorrow I’ll do better.

Here it is, day two of coping with the loss of my dad. Though he died on the 24th, I didn’t learn of it till yesterday. My dear mom, as disoriented as she was, kept calling the wrong phone. Our old cell phone which we rarely check and is basically only for if I need to get a hold of Tom in an emergency but can’t use the Magic Jack phone. The MJ runs through the computer which means it would be worthless if there was a power failure.

Mom also kept calling me Tammy, and while she’s still a little out of it, understandably, today she didn’t call me Tammy. She just kept getting Oakland mixed up with Lakeland instead. I called to see how she was holding up. Larry and Tammy weren’t there. She wanted to be alone. She cried on and off along with me as we talked. I feel so damn bad for her! She’s got to be utterly miserable all alone and with the realization and the finalization that comes with knowing her husband of 6 decades simply isn’t coming home this time around from the hospital. I just wish there was more I could do than be a sounding board for her. But she knows and understands that there’s only so much I can do from a distance and doesn’t hold it against me in any way. Funny how all these years I worried about this for nothing. Wish I could suddenly know I was worried for nothing about Tom’s and my own time in the end.

I felt it was okay to ask for some details this time around about the funeral and where it was to be held and all that and she surprised me by saying that there would not only be a service at a veteran’s cemetery in Lakeland, Florida, but that he was cremated. Normally Jews don’t do that but my family isn’t exactly very “Jewish.” Maybe 30 years ago it was, but we’ve always been kind of liberal and seem to get more liberal with time, preferring to do what’s best for us as individuals as opposed to what most Jews might do. Nonetheless, I was still surprised. I always pictured them being buried in Massachusetts and I always dreaded the idea of attending the funeral because I knew that if certain family members I don’t exactly get along with or care to see just looked at me wrong, I may very well have lost it.

I didn’t know this but I was surprised to learn that Andy was also unable to attend his dad’s funeral because of the distance. He was still in Arizona when he died.

“It’s more common than you think,” Tom told me.

“Surprise” is still the word of the weekend, that’s for sure. Even though he was old and his heart’s been bad ever since he had his first heart attack when I was little, the news of his death still hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been crying on and off. I try to keep busy and keep my mind occupied, but other times I just sit and stare blindly into space. And of course I’ve had to mourn the loss of my father to the tune of barking or keeping the sound machines running thanks to my wonderfully rude and inconsiderate landlord. I can’t wait to get the hell out of here! I don’t know how many more years, or even months, I can take of this shit! Or just being boxed inside such a tiny old place with its lack of plugs, lack of counter space, lack of everything.

Mom said she would send me pictures and some of Dad’s ashes in a week or two. I told her to take her time and asked if she was going to be staying where she was. She said yes, for a while anyway. I just feel so bad for her. The situation makes me gladder to know Tom and I survived our ordeal last fall since we almost beat my dad to the grave. Imagine the double whammy of losing your daughter, then your husband just months later?! That would’ve been just so horrible for her. So if we were saved only for her sake that’s good enough for me.

I feel like I’ve taken one step away from Tammy, and when mom goes I’ll probably take that second step that will bring me completely away from her. I just never could get used to the idea of her being back in my life. It isn’t just that what she did was too big to forgive, but because she’s too damn vindictive. Even she admits how much she loves to screw over those that piss her off, and it’s in a much colder way than anything I’ve ever done. No, this one doesn’t just get you emotionally, she gets you legally as well if she can. She is always suing or siccing the pigs on someone. Piss her off and you’re so damn screwed. I’m not going to say or do anything mean or try to screw her over in the end or anything like that. I’m just going to silently walk away, though I expect to be sought out at first since she will want to know why.

My memory is so screwed up these days that it didn’t hit me until last night that the talk I had with just my dad about him finishing my book was not only on January 10th instead of early this month, but it wasn’t our last chat. I chatted with both of them on February 2nd. Little did I know Dad would be dead in just 22 days. :(

Tom and my friends have been a wonderful support but I’m not sure what’s up with Maliheh. I emailed her about Dad yesterday and didn’t hear back from her until today. She asked what happened, if I was visiting, how I felt, and said she was sorry, but now I’m left hanging once again. Tom doesn’t think she’s playing with me or trying to keep me at a distance for some reason, but it’s awfully hard to believe it’s “not me” like Maliheh has insisted upon. I think our feelings and attraction for each other either aren’t mutual, or they are but she finds it easier to keep me at bay since I’m married and on the other side of the country. That’s what I think. But I admit I could be totally wrong. She is a loner, after all, so maybe she simply doesn’t feel up to writing much.

They say there is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of a loved one. For me, it helps to write, talk and just keep busy. If I just sit there or lay around doing nothing my mind goes off on a tangent as reality tries to set itself in on the fact that I will never see my father again. I will never hear his voice again. I will never call him again and hear his chipper, “Jodi Lin!” at the sound of my voice.

The nightmare began with a rather “rude awakening.” Tom woke me up at 10:00 this morning. He said my mother had been trying to reach me and had left a couple of messages on the old phone. Why that one, IDK, but she’s not exactly with it these days.

In a dubious tone of voice, Tom said, “She said it was very important you call her back. I think your father might have died by the sound of her voice. She sounds really disoriented and keeps calling for Tammy before she remembers you’re Jodi, and one of the calls sounds like there are hospital sounds in the background.”

My mind instantly rejected this idea, of course, and I fought to calm my heartbeat down. It felt like it was going to jump out of my chest because Tom’s unexpected wake-up call (though I would’ve woken up within the next hour or so), had scared the shit out of me. “But I just talked to him a few weeks ago,” I said, at first thinking I’d last talked to him earlier this month when in fact it was last month, thanks to the fact that my brain doesn’t work right anymore. “He sounded so much better. He had just finished my book and said it was good and everything was just fine.”

But it wasn’t. His heart had worsened over the last couple of years, and this year was really bad. Yesterday morning, after a two-week stay in the hospital which I wasn’t even aware of, he passed peacefully in his sleep.

Both my brother and sister are with my mom now, and regardless of my feelings towards them in the past or the present, I was glad to know this. I appreciate them helping her out since I’m not only helpless being stuck on the other side of the country, but I would be pretty helpless even if I was right there with her since I can’t drive. There just wouldn’t be much I could do that can’t be done over the phone like me being a shoulder for her to cry on if she needs one. So I don’t have any hard feelings about not being notified sooner, I know it’s what Dad would’ve wanted just as Mom said, and I’m only a phone call away. What’s most important is that she has people who can drive her where she needs to go and do things like fetch groceries.

I don’t know why but she had me speak to both Tammy and Larry. It was only for a minute, but we were “polite” to each other. I’ll admit it’s kind of hard to picture Larry and Tammy in the same room together without killing each other, but what’s most important is that they’re there for Mom and are able to give her the kind of help I couldn’t give her. Tom couldn’t possibly take time off from work and I couldn’t take off by myself and be of any real help to her, mostly since I can’t drive, but she was quick to point out that she knows and understands this. I didn’t even have to say anything. But like I said, I can help in the ways that are within my means of doing so and that’s just by giving my emotional support.

I guess Tammy flew down alone but Larry has a friend with him. I asked Mom if it was Carl and she said, “No, you’re going back too many years.”

For a handful of reasons I probably won’t be attending the funeral which I’m guessing will be in Massachusetts and not Florida, and I can tell you right now, if anyone reading this even thinks of telling me that’s “messed up” or that I’m “wrong” for this, I’ll never talk to you again. I don’t need any judgment or criticism right now. My family and I have discussed this before and it is between us and us only. If I write about my reasons it will simply be because I chose to write about them and not because I feel the need to explain myself to anyone who may feel the need to tell me that my way of doing and handling things is wrong simply because they may be unhappy with their own lives. Just giving you fair warning, is all, but if I’m jumping the gun and no one had any intentions of feeling the need to “correct” me in the first place, then I apologize.

It hasn’t hit me yet. I’m still in shock. The news was so unexpected and totally caught me off guard. I had not one single dream warning me of his death. Not one.

I told Tom that a few years ago I asked Dad to beam back any signs to me if there was any kind of an afterlife, even though I knew it would probably scare the shit out of me. “Maybe there’s absolutely nothing after death,” I told Tom, “and that’s why I haven’t gotten any signs.”

But Tom doesn’t believe that. “Remember last fall when we were pushed to the brink of absolutely nothing with seemingly no way out whatsoever, and then something stepped in at the very last second and saved us? Well, if it wasn’t our loved ones, then who was it? And that’s not the first time it happened.”

That’s a good question and perhaps we’ll never know for sure. I had assumed it was a hateful God of some kind tormenting us with our survival that only saved us in the end right as we were about to fall off the cliff so it could give us a break for a while and then have fun tormenting us all over again.

I don’t have all the answers, but I always did say the timing was 100% miraculous. Just so in the nick of time. We were hanging by less than a thread. To say it’s a coincidence doesn’t seem right, but who/what it was that saved us is beyond me.

I read the online obituary and it mentions him having a great-grandchild. That’s got to be from my brother’s daughter cuz I don’t think my sister’s kids have kids. I’d hope not anyway. They’re still a little young, I think.

Again, I’m just shocked. He was 80 years old and I really thought he had another 3-5 years left in him. A part of me wishes they hadn’t had me so late in life because then I could’ve had them around till I was in my 50s like Tammy and Larry, instead of my 40s. Getting used to the idea of not having him in my life (and probably not even a mother within the next few years if even that), is going to take some time.

“Why didn’t I have any dreams about it?” I wondered to Tom.

“Maybe because it was simply his time.”

Maybe so, but I was right about one thing. When they left after visiting us in Phoenix in the late 90s, I knew I would never see them again. I don’t know if it was due to the geographical distance and because Mom won’t fly, but somehow I just knew it.

I haven’t seen much of my folks since I was 15 years old and so I was used to not seeing much of them. But the news I got this morning was totally unexpected just the same.

Despite our past problems, I feel so bad for my mom. She’s got to be utterly miserable now. I know I would be if I suddenly lost Tom and we haven’t even been married 20 years yet, so I can just imagine how she must feel after 62 years of marriage. I wonder what will become of Mom. Will she stay where she is? Go live with a friend or a relative? In an assisted living program?

It’s taking me forever to write this. I have to stop and lie down and rest my head and my eyes periodically. I can’t focus for long on anything right now. Keeping busy helps and writing helps, but I need to lie down at times, too. The only thing is that every time I lay down my mind drives me crazy. My head feels like it’s under a million pounds of pressure. My vision is so blurry due to crying on and off all day (I was too stunned to cry much at first) but my mind is racing and it just won’t stop! I write several sentences, and then I stop and find myself staring blankly at nothing, slowly rocking back and forth in this chair.

Funny how life works out at times. Just recently I was posting on the wall of one of my VH sisters who had just lost their own dad. Little did I expect to post a link to my own dad’s obit just days later. Another friend’s dad has been so ill that I expected her to mention him passing away any second, but again, life just works out strangely at times. Both of Nane’s parents are still alive yet she’s 5 years older than me. Tom’s mom is still alive at age 88 and while he’ll always feel a sense of connection to her since she’s his mom, she turned out to be a horrible person who did some horrible things to her own son and his wife, thus proving that the nicer people seem to die younger. Okay, so my dad may not have been perfect any more than the rest of us, but he was an overall nice guy and he shouldn’t have died less than two months shy of turning 81. I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. Alison and I have wondered why she would get cancer after trying to be a good person while things always seem to go well for trolls like Molly even if they’re too ungrateful and unappreciative to see just how good they’ve got it.

I was thinking to myself recently that it was nice that my parents got to live long enough to read one of my current books as opposed to the shit I’d crank out a decade or more ago. I wasn’t always a good writer or singer. I’m glad he got to see me become a published author even if I never make much money at it, but as my husband pointed out, money isn’t always a true measure of success. Either way, it’s sad that he’ll never be able to read another book of mine.

Back again after having to stop yet again. Thanks to those who’ve given their condolences. I may not be around as much for a few days but I appreciate it just the same. And even Alison’s attempt to get me to laugh about the troll who’s still up to her usual crazy shit. I guess she got back online from Josh’s friend’s place and she’s going back and forth as always, one minute saying she misses Alison and wants to be pen pals with her, the next badmouthing her and saying she wants nothing more to do with her. Oh, and she and Loverboy have already had a fight over money but are doing “somewhat” good together even though she “kind of” misses home. I’m surprised she’s applying for jobs within walking distance of the apartment building she’s living in because she’s always seemed so lazy, but then again, Josh isn’t going to support her like her folks did until she’s back home in a few weeks.

Random memories of Dad go through my mind. I would get so excited when he’d take me out to buy new records, and of course vinyl records were the thing back in the 70s.

When I was around 8 he took me to my favorite radio station. I got to meet the DJ who gave me a tour of the place and showed me how he could quickly find any given record I named off, dazzling me with such amazing delight as Dad recorded the little venture with one of those old tape recorders. I felt like a special little princess that day, even though I didn’t know back then that the radio folks were obliged to give these tours to just about anyone, LOL.

And now he’s gone and… ugh… I still can’t believe it. It just hasn’t hit home yet. God, I’ll miss him!

Where are you, daddy? Are you really able to look down upon those you left behind? Have you reunited with your own dad and others? Or is there really just utter and total nothingness? I just hope to hell it’s nothing worse than here. It can only be better, worse or the same, and while we’d like to believe it’s better, no one can really know for sure.

For the longest time, I believed one’s spirit could simply float about the earth anywhere it wanted to go and peek in on anyone it wanted to. Then one day I pulled back and thought about it from a scientific standpoint. We need a brain in order to think and for our senses to work. But if that brain is dead, then how can we have a sense of awareness and knowledge after death in order to “look in” on those we love??? Really, I just don’t know what to think or believe anymore. I just hope that if he’s somehow lived on he is at peace and that he’s in a much better place than he ever was when he was alive.

I’m just glad my siblings are helping Mom in ways I’m unable to, and of course I can’t help but think of when our own time comes. I have absolutely no regrets whatsoever about not having kids, but boy are we so screwed in the end. Unless we’re both killed suddenly someday like in a car accident, there will be no one to take care of us in the end. I worry for Tom when he gets to where he can no longer drive and little Miss Driving Phobia here can’t take over the wheel, but he said that’s nothing and that’s what Dial-a-Ride is for. Man, it sucks either way. I want to be the one to die first so I don’t have to suffer the pain of losing him, but if I suddenly could know that I would indeed die first, then I’d only go on to worry about who will be there for him in the end and I definitely don’t like the idea of him dying alone. But as Tom says, this is many years away, even if I do worry about these things regularly enough.

In the midst of my grief, I messaged Nane about Dad’s death but I don’t expect a reply. She’ll probably think I’m just “messing” with her anyway.

Mom also said something about some package she’s sending, but I don’t know what she’s talking about. Maybe it has to do with a keepsake of sorts. IDK, I’m just so damn drained right now both physically and emotionally. Things had been going so well and I was all psyched to get up, cook spaghetti, pig out on junk, and just enjoy the weekend with my husband. Well, I’ve done some laundry just to keep my mind occupied, but I’m certainly not up to cooking and I don’t have much of an appetite at all.

Nor do I have the tolerance for all-night barking like what we got last night in the state of mind I’m in right now. Therefore I’ve got all the sound machines on to keep from going up there and not just killing those damn mutts, but also waiting for him to return from wherever just so I can break him in half. The last thing I need to do is listen to Jesse and his fucking dogs while mourning the loss of my father.

It just hit me that they’re probably going to bury him in Florida and not Massachusetts. I had always thought, for some reason, that they would be buried up north in the same cemetery as my grandparents, but then I realized a few things. My mom is not only afraid of flying, but they wouldn’t be talking to me on the phone from Florida on a Saturday if they were going to bury him up north on Monday. Also, they not only like Florida better than Massachusetts, but most of their friends and family up north have either died or moved out of the state, so there’s no real reason for them to be buried there. Another reason they may not move my dad up north is because of some of the Jewish traditions such as the fact that he cannot be embalmed, but I was too blown away with shock and grief to ask my mother these nitty-gritty details and I didn’t think it was appropriate at the time either.

My head hurts, my eyes burn, and my nose is stuffed up. I’ve got to go lay down. I’ll post this some other time.

I looked at both Sandy and Jennifer’s profiles. Jen is single and looks nothing like Tammy’s kids. She’s quite lovely - tall, slim - and you would never guess by looking at her that she had a kid. The kid isn’t pictured on her profile in any place I can see it, but Sandy is pictured with what appears to be an 8-10-year-old boy. My first thought was that it was kind of sad (one should live and learn a while before giving up life to kids) that Jen had a kid at what was probably only between 20-22 since she’s now around 30, but from what I remember of her and as young as she was, I think she would make a very good mom, unlike Tammy’s kids. But knowing what Tammy’s kids look like, well, I’d say they’re not going to have an easy time getting anyone. They seem more into the career scene anyway. But… even if Jen won’t be able to go far or do much in life for a while till the kid’s older, I can easily see her being a great mother and she can “catch up on life” later on down the road. She seems like she may be some kind of nurse.

Q10 is an enzyme that when lacking in it a person can feel rundown. Hopefully, that’s all Tom needs and so he’s going to check into Q10 supplements to boost his energy. It’s all-natural and is said to help prevent high cholesterol and diabetes, too.

Just like yesterday, we’re expecting temps in the 70s. I’ve got the windows open. Love bringing in that fresh country air! Today’s been quieter so far whereas yesterday consisted of the usual comings and goings up the hill and scattered barks. Heard some barking today too, of course, but I’m sure it’s nothing compared to the 6-8 hours of barking I’ll be in for either tonight or tomorrow night. For some reason, they bark more when left alone between early November to mid-April. Unless it’s at night. Leave them alone at night and they go crazy no matter what time of year it is.

What’s amazing is that they’ve got rain on the 5-cast for next Monday and Wednesday. Yeah, well we’ll see how long it lasts before they change it to just clouds.

Nothing from the troll since she left that one single-sentence post about being in Iowa and having “fun.” Hopefully, she’s locked in a certain apartment, unable to get to McDonald’s Wi-Fi so she can have even more “fun” harassing and bashing people online.

I sort of played with Nane through Irene by commenting after a comment Irene left in regard to a comment from Nane on Irene’s wall. They exchanged greetings from sunny München and Salzburg, LOL. Then I came in and rubbed in our warm, sunny weather. Then I just had to thank Irene for being such a good friend and standing by me through my good AND bad times and taking me at face value.

One of these days I’m gonna quit defending myself when people insist I’m lying or making excuses about whatever (though fortunately, it doesn’t happen very often) and just give in to them, give them what they want and just be like, uh-huh, you’re right, etc. maybe telling people what they want to hear/believe is sometimes best because you simply can’t argue with ignorance and stupidity. Some people simply don’t want to see things any other way anyway and are so steadfast in their beliefs that they won’t budge no matter what you tell them. It would be like a person telling me that using birth control is a sin, but no matter how many times they tried to tell me this there’s no way I’m going to believe it. We can’t make others believe certain things any more than we can make ourselves believe certain things just because we may want to. If I could I just might tell myself there is a good God, I deserved every bad thing that ever happened to me, prayer and karma isn’t just a bunch of cosmic coincidences, and there really is an afterlife better than this life, and I’d believe every word of it even if I may be kidding myself.

But Irene has simply accepted my friendship without trying to guess “why” I’m so nice to her. She hasn’t accused me of trying to get attention when I tell her about a bad day. She hasn’t accused me of lying, making excuses or playing with her head. She doesn’t ignore me for months on end. Can’t promise she won’t dump me in the future, but I will say it’s hard to imagine.

As for Maliheh, that girl is just so hard to figure! I don’t think she’s doing a “Nane” number on me, but I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. If it isn’t me (and she’s always insisted it’s not and I know how outspoken she is), then why have I been hearing less and less from her? Sometimes I wonder if something else is going on – something that’s got nothing to do with me – but that she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with me. That still doesn’t explain why I don’t hear much from her, though.

Still have mixed emotions about old Pointy Nose who apparently just returned from another fun romp down in TR. Hey, at least this time her little vacation didn’t have to be “spoiled” by my “plans.”

Sometimes I feel so hurt over the way she so coldly and callously dumped me I want to cry, other times I wanna let my evil side shine and put all kinds of spells on her to make her life unpleasant, and other times I wish we could resume our friendship, while I really wish I could stop caring. Really, I don’t want to give a shit about people like Nane who could do what she did to me. But I’m afraid I’m a little more forgiving than I’d like to be. I wish I could be a cold-hearted bitch. I have the power, know-how and experience to place spells that could really wreak havoc on her life and the people in it, but I just can’t bring myself to be that cold. I’m a prankster, I’m a weirdo, I’m a pest, but I’m not mean. If I saw her bleeding on the street, I’d be quick to stop and help her regardless of what she did to me. I hate being so damn nice and forgiving! But I am who I am and there’s not always much I can do to change that.

But there’s also only so much we can do to change others. How many times can I practically shake Nane by the shoulders and scream in her face, “I was NOT playing with you! I really did want to die and I thought I had no choice and would end up dead anyway!”

But I know Nane knew better. She may blame it on the language differences, but Nane’s English is actually better than half the natives I know, and Nane was/is very smart. You can’t work Wall St. and learn languages without at least somewhat of a brain. Nane knew I wasn’t playing with her head. She was simply trying to turn the tables and accuse me of doing exactly what she was doing to me. She was everything she accused me of being – a head player.

Then why oh why do I miss her at times and wish we could be buds again??? What the hell is wrong with me??? Don’t I have more self-respect than that? What’s wrong with me that I would want people back in my life who clearly aren’t good for me? She may be smart and fluent in English, but Nane was mean. Yet I miss her more than Maliheh – WTF???

Nane posted more pictures, one of which she’s in. She’s standing by the sea and since it’s February she’s in long pants/sleeves. She’s wearing sunglasses and it’s not a close-up, so you really can’t see her face.

Still starting my workouts at 6 MPH, which is basically running like the devil’s chasing you. This time I didn’t wake up just another two-tenths of a pound down, but a pound as well. :) It was probably just water, but maybe I won’t gain after all if I just keep up with my exercise regimen. I won’t count on it since I’ve stopped the dieting part, but we’ll see.

It’s sad watching my furry little guy get old. He’s losing energy and his fur is thinning, though he should still have another half a year left in him.

Oh no. Just oh no. It’s back. The outages are back. I was hoping the last few times it happened was just an isolated incident but I really think they’re messing with us again. Although I’ll admit it took longer than I thought it would for them to start their shit up again, I was really hoping they’d wait till we moved, but I have a feeling it’s going to escalate and get worse. Just like he thinks someone hacks into the weather thing and changes the temp, well I really think it’s someone getting a kick out of messing with the lines. In fact, it just cut out yet again. I am so, so dismayed. And pissed. But it will be just one more reason to hope to move.

Tom still feels a bit achy but not as rundown. He worked a little OT yesterday and was told to bring in his resume to apply for that position I mentioned he might apply for. Hopefully, it will be comparable in pay to what he gets now and he’ll get it. It’ll depend on what he has for competition. It’s still so hard to imagine him ever having a permanent job again since he’s never had one in the 4½ years we’ve been in this state.

As soon as I get a solid connection I’ll post this. Then, since they’re obviously going to play games with our connection again, I’ll go work out and turn the 550 calories I had into 250 calories. Well, that’s how it’s supposed to work anyway.

Later…

We hit 70° today and the only thing dampening the peace, as usual, is the coming and going up the hill, along with the scattered barks. Otherwise, it’s so, so nice. Got all the windows open to bring in some of that fresh country air.

I only managed to motivate myself to write all of one sentence yesterday in the next chapter of my story. I wanted to crank out chapter 8 today, but I doubt I will. I’m just not in the mood for creative writing lately, but I know I will be sooner or later. It comes and goes.

Haven’t given the thought of Tom getting that permanent job much thought. I know I should be sitting here with my fingers crossed hoping and praying he gets the job he’s putting in for, but I’ve become so used to the idea of him being a temp, and hey, this is Cali. Cali and temps go hand in hand. But he did apply for it, so hopefully they’ll focus on qualifications and not who was the last one out of diapers.

Read an article about a couple of teenage girls who got expelled from school for posting a racist video on YouTube, and of course it brought about mixed emotions for me. First of all, since when do you get expelled for something you did off of school grounds??? Secondly, as a writer, I’m a real fanatic for free speech. I believe that no matter how hateful, off the wall or strange something may sound that someone may say or write, it’s only words for God’s sake! If you don’t like it, don’t listen. And so I think that until and if we’re ever forced to read and hear things we don’t want to read and hear by gunpoint, it’d be a lot easier to just not bother going to these sites in the first place rather than complaining. They may’ve sounded very hateful, and no, they don’t have all their facts straight, but they were merely expressing their opinion. They didn’t kill anyone. They didn’t attack anyone. They didn’t burn anyone’s house down. They didn’t steal from anyone. So just because their beliefs may not be in the majority with 95% of the population being for blacks these days as opposed to against them, why expel them for expressing themselves out of school? It just seems a bit extreme. And why all the death threats? If you’re so damn sensitive, then why did you play their video in the first place? It just goes to show how many people are protective and fond of blacks these days. Had these girls done this 30 years ago had there been such a thing as the Internet then, no one would care. A hundred years ago and everyone else would join in. But there is so little hatred for blacks these days. People are too busy lavishing their hatred upon the gays anyway.

I agreed with some of what they said, but not all of it. Yes, despite the world of opportunities blacks are presented with these days from everything to great jobs, getting off easy in court, to being president of the United States, many still choose welfare and crime over success. BUT… as I learned the hard way, anyone can fall into poverty and it doesn’t take much. Just a few things going wrong and not lining up just right and you too, may find yourself on the streets or at least struggling your ass off and you don’t have to be black, lazy or an alkie or a druggie. Bad times and crises have no discrimination.

I agree that they don’t always speak correctly, and yes, it can be annoying at times and hard to understand.

Right or wrong, as a writer, it sucks to be in a country with little to no speech rights. We hear the term “free speech,” but in this country, there are virtually no speech rights as opposed to Norway and some other countries, and what few rights we do have here are often violated. I just don’t get why people can’t simply avoid sites that contain sensitive material that may bother them. But people will continue to bitch about those who express themselves instead of just ignoring them, and the media will continue to get away with printing all kinds of lies about all kinds of people, and America, the “land of the free,” will continue to have virtually no speech rights.

This is the 5th day in a row I awoke two-tenths of a pound down. I don’t expect this trend to last much longer but am going to keep up with my hourly workouts (which don’t include working arms and abs) because I love the way it makes me feel.

I was pretty crampy yesterday so I only worked out for 45 minutes as the more physical we are during periods, the crampier we get. Hopefully, I can do my whole hour today.

I’m still worried about Tom. He still has neck pain and is feeling rundown but is sure it’s not a cold. My biggest fear in life – bigger than the worst thing that could possibly happen to me – is any kind of serious illness or accident happening to Tom. I’d rather a dozen people bust in here and beat the shit out of me than for anything bad to happen to this man I love so damn much, and they would all get away with it, too. Oh, but it wouldn’t be just because God or whatever’s up there loves to protect my perps, but because of how backward our laws are. You know the “action” crimes (violence, theft, etc.) get you off easier than those where you’ve done nothing more than scare or piss someone off. That’s why people like Chris Brown do only probation while Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan do jail. Then again, these days the law is much quicker to come down on white women vs. black men no matter what.

Speaking of laws, when are men going to be banned from being able to vote on abortion? That really bothers me. They shouldn’t be allowed to vote on that at all. Not just because they’re not the ones who carry and have babies, but who do you think does the raping in this world?

They posted a position at work Tom wants to apply for. It’s for a job similar to what he’s been doing so he figures it should be comparable in pay. It sucks they don’t list what the jobs pay. Anyway, I asked what his competition looked like and I guess there’s some other guy and a woman interested, but the woman doesn’t stand much of a chance due to poor attendance. This is good to know because that and qualifications are what they should be focusing on. Not who’s the youngest with the darkest skin, which seems to get most folks first dibs on most jobs in most places these days.

So what’s the scoop with the troll’s Thoughts blog? For over an hour, someone appeared to be online there last evening, but no updates were made. Alison thinks it was her mother since she doubted she’d get online that fast after arriving in Des Moines. She sure spent a long time online just to check the troll’s 4 brief whiny posts.

It’s going to be 73° today but by the weekend we’ll be back in the 50s.

Just when I thought Amber might not return, she peeked in on me early this morning. I haven’t mentioned her, though, so is she coming around just to see if I have or could the rude bitch actually be interested in my blog?

That white pickup has been coming over every day, but this time it stuck around and the dogs didn’t go off, so Jesse must be home.

Later…

Today was gorgeous. Had the windows open and enjoyed the fresh air the breeze carried in. I still wish there was a better mix of rain and sun here, though. I’m still not sure which I like better. The sun keeps the heat off and allows us to air the place out, but the rain keeps things quieter. Always loved the sound of it, too.

Our chainsaw addicts up at the summit were back to buzzing away:( Although it was short-lived, I had hoped to get longer than the week to 10 days off they gave me, but at least we’re not next to them. Whoever is must be very tolerant or ready to smash the damn saw to pieces.

Something’s definitely wrong with the rat’s eyes and head even though his vision seems fine. He’s still super clingy too, always wanting more no matter how much attention I give him. The area around his eyes seems redder and the top of his head seems darker in the area between his eyes. But like it or not, he is old.

The white pickup came again today, but this time it stuck around. I wonder if it’s his brother that’s staying with him. Someone definitely is because I heard voices that I think were from up there when I was doing dishes and the window was open, then he took off on the Harley but there was no barking (suggesting someone was up there). Heard someone rummaging around up there, too. It could be someone else that left on their own motorpsycho that I heard but I doubt it. I’d be willing to bet that he’ll go out this weekend cuz I’ll be up in the evening. He didn’t last weekend when I was asleep at that time.

Someone’s been spending a lot of time on the troll’s Thoughts blog. Alison and I agree it probably wasn’t her mother after all or else she’d have deleted her wonderful “letters” to her and Kathy. The troll used to have Aly manage her KB accounts when she was too lazy to deal with messages and shit like that, so it’s probably a friend of hers, not that it isn’t hard as hell to believe she even has any. Right now I just hope she’s having a horrible time in Iowa and that she’s on the “wrong end of a sword.” On the other hand, if Iowa works out, she doesn’t get to go home to mommy who has Internet service, unlike her wonderful “fiancée.” So unless she went home and straight to a group home or some other place that monitored her activities, maybe she’s better off freezing her ass off in Iowa at least for our sake.

Marie definitely got my friend invite because she’s definitely been on Facebook. She commented on a post of Becky’s earlier. I think she just feels it’d be awkward to add me since she’s now with someone, especially if this woman really is that right for her. At her age, she may not be willing to take risks with any forbidden fruit even if it was harmless online flirting.

I’m waiting for myself to get hungry enough to eat my main meal before I work out, so I thought now would be a good time for an update. Only there’s not much to update on since my last post 15 hours ago.

Been lacking the motivation to work on my story and so I just might drop it and take a break for a while.

It’s going to be in the 70s today which is nice, but it’s also going to be noisy as hell. That’s the one thing dampening me from looking forward to the warm afternoon. The fucking mutts were already going off at 5am when I got up. I was really hoping for a few more hours of peace before the barking and the loud vehicles began. God, I hope to hell those who say that incessant barking isn’t allowed in adult communities are right and that they don’t do anything else in those communities (like have lots of company, mostly consisting of wild kids) to make up for it. Better yet, I hope we’ll get the chance to find all this out. Work has been consistent enough and it doesn’t look like he’ll be laid off anytime soon, but sometimes you just can’t see these things coming.

I’m a little concerned about Tom, though, because he’s been complaining about neck pain and being rundown. He says it’s a strange sort of ache that’s up high, sort of where his head meets his neck.

Andy said he wondered if Tom had any secret issues with sex that he didn’t want to talk about, but I’m 99.9% sure he doesn’t. He’s never said or hinted at being molested as a kid or anything traumatic like that. He’s never said or hinted at having any desires for the same sex either. I wondered about him too at first, and thought I was the weirdest, most abnormal thing I’d ever heard of and I reacted much the way many react to my sleep disorder because it was something I’d never heard of and didn’t “get.” While I can’t imagine preferring not to cum in the end, I researched the subject years ago and found that this is just the way some people are. It’s not as common as preemie squirters or those that can’t get hard, but it’s more common than most people would think.

As I told Andy, it’s sort of like bungee jumping. Most of us couldn’t imagine doing that, but a few can. But I too, questioned his not cumming at first and all kinds of possible scenarios went through my mind – I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t attractive enough, he was afraid of impregnating me… But most of those few times he did cum was at the time of the month it was most likely for a woman to conceive, once which resulted in an early-on miscarriage. Besides, although your chances are lower, one can still conceive from pre-cum and if he was really anti-kid he could’ve simply told me and either I could’ve gone on BC or he could’ve gotten fixed.

Finally, I realized and accepted the fact that he was happy and content, so who was I to knock him and question him? As long as he didn’t show any signs of being uncomfortable and unfulfilled in any way, I wasn’t about to try to change him. I wouldn’t want anyone doing it to me. So if there’s that fraction of a percent chance that something was going on all these years that he didn’t tell me, that’s his fault and that’s his problem for not trusting me enough with whatever it was. I’m pretty confident, though, that there were no “secrets” or “unresolved deep-seated issues.”

With me personally, however, if you don’t get me off it’s because you didn’t excite me enough to begin with unless some crisis like how we were going to pay the rent was playing on my mind to distract me. But that is just me and there was no doubt that Tom had no problem whatsoever getting excited. I may prefer women but I know a rock-hard dick when I see and feel one.

The troll, who already deactivated her latest Facebook account, left some posts on Thoughts last night. It’s flying up to Des Moines today and it confirms that Loverboy doesn’t have internet access, so it’ll have to use McDonald’s Wi-Fi. So, in other words, she’ll live at McDonald’s until she ends up back home in 2-3 weeks when she sees how much he’s “changed.” For now, she’s back to referring to him as her fiancée, LOL. So naïve. Just so, so damn naïve. But it’s her life to trash.

Mommy Dearest was concerned about her not taking her BC, but I wonder if that may also be part of why she’s running to this guy. She’s made it clear many times just how much she loves her nieces and babysitting them and all that. Maybe she feels it’s time to take the attention from big sis and pop one of her own to gloat over and draw more attention to herself with, IDK.

So much for not having much to update on.