Had a dream that Nane and I were neighbors. I don’t know if we were in closely set houses or an apartment. I think it was an apartment or some kind of attached living structure– ew! It seemed like she was right smack next door and her place ran right alongside ours.

Every night after Tom went to sleep, which would be fairly early since he had to get up early, I would hang out at her place for a few hours. It seems we did everything together. We talked, we ate, we watched movies, and yes, we got it on. Every night we couldn’t wait to throw ourselves at each other. No sooner would I be in the door when she would dive at me. If she didn’t, I’d grab her by the wrist and throw her on her bed or couch even though she was a good 9” taller than me. One night it seemed we were in a race to see who could have the most orgasms in those few fun-filled hours.

Then one day I took a walk by myself to this near-deserted lake. There were only a few people there. Nothing I would do in real life as I’m not a sun worshiper and lakes are kind of gross for swimming in.

After a short while, I saw Nane approach from a clearing of trees with a beach chair in hand and a large canvas bag; the things one would usually bring to a beach or a lake. Someone was behind her, though I was too excited to see her that I didn’t really pay much attention at first.

“Nane!” I exclaimed excitedly as I ran up to her.

But she didn’t seem all that excited to see me.

“I didn’t know you came here,” I said, trying not to notice the almost cold air about her.

“I don’t very often,” she said in a slightly snobbish tone.

Then I noticed she was with a friend from her homeland. She smiled at me, shook my hand, and said it was nice to finally meet me in person.

“Yeah, I recognize you from your online pictures,” I told her (it was Christiane).

Then she started happily chatting away, perhaps to distract me from Nane or to lighten the mood. I couldn’t help but wonder what was up with Nane, though I didn’t want to appear rude to her friend either.

Finally, I slipped away and went back to sit on my own blanket maybe 20 feet away.

A while later Nane got up and headed into the lake. She only went in about knee-deep and bent down to scoop up handfuls of water to splash herself with. Hoping her friend would stay put, I went over to Nane and asked what was wrong.

She looked at me with cold blue eyes, hesitated, then said, “I’ll tell you later on tonight.”

“Okay, but is everything alright?” I asked.

“I do not want to talk about it now,” Nane said not bothering to hide the annoyance in her voice.

“Okay,” I said stepping away, “but can you at least tell me if you’re mad at me? Did I do anything wrong?”

Nane’s voice softened a bit and she told me it wasn’t me, though I sure felt like it was.

Her friend smiled a mixture of friendliness and sympathy as I headed back to my blanket.

That night I knocked on Nane’s door at the usual time. But it wasn’t her that opened it. It was her friend.

“Sorry, Jodi, I know this is gonna hurt,” said her friend, “but your fuck buddy’s gone to live in Turkey and I’m now your new neighbor.”

The dream ended with me just standing there at a loss for words. I was both shocked and saddened by the news from this friend, who stood there grinning at me in the strangest of ways.

I’m glad this didn’t happen for real, though a part of me wishes it did. Sometimes it’s best to just enjoy whatever time we can get with certain people. At the same time, it would’ve been harder to be dumped in person than to be dumped online like I was. What’s kind of funny is that of all the reasons she listed for dumping me, one was because she came to feel too close to me.

“What’s the point, Lady Rainbow?” she had said in the end. “You’re with Tom, I’m with Jim and we’re both half a world apart. Really, what the hell is the point?”

So while one is usually dumped because someone doesn’t like them, I was dumped because she liked me a little too much for her own comfort, LOL. Still wish it hadn’t happened, but I like it when she at least visits me in dreams. Even if the dreams don’t always have a happy ending, it’s like visiting without visiting, if that makes any sense.

Here’s something that definitely doesn’t make any sense. I’ve been losing weight. I really thought I’d gain since I haven’t been dieting at all.

Yesterday was the first day Amber skipped coming to my KB journal. I guess it’s because it was the weekend?

Later…

I feel really bad for Andy with the way he makes dates that end up standing him up. As he says, sex and love is a human desire that needs to be fulfilled and so he probably won’t ever stop seeking them, but sometimes I wonder what the point is of wasting time and energy on things that just don’t seem meant to be. We all have things that are and aren’t meant to be for reasons we’ll probably never fathom, and some of them seem highly unfair. Why am I so meant to have noisy neighbors? A few bad neighbors can be written off as bad luck, but when you have one after another for 20 years, a pattern emerges that’s rather obvious.

I hate to tell a friend – or anyone – to give up on something that matters that much to them. But I have found that giving up is often the key to success. Yeah, some things you gotta work at, but I still don’t think one can make love or even lust happen when they want it to. I think it either happens when it’s meant to happen, or it doesn’t happen if it’s not meant to happen.

This is just me, but everything changed as soon as I gave up on women. I didn’t want to settle, of course, and I didn’t understand why, but after so many years of playing their games and being only able to get the ones I didn’t want, I realized they simply weren’t meant to be. And so while I didn’t expect to not have sex occasionally, I was prepared to spend my life alone by the time I reached my late 20s, thinking that that was what was meant for me. And then I was surprised with Tom. I didn’t know my Miss Right was really meant to be a Mr. Right, but the point is that I stopped looking for love and that’s when it happened. It seems to work that way for me with objects, too. Whenever I can’t find shit around here I don’t bother to look harder because I know I won’t find things that way. I only find them by accident when I’m not looking or am looking for something else.

Anyway, we all gotta do what we gotta do. I prefer to focus and work on what is meant to be than put my time and energy into struggling for something that isn’t meant to be which is part of why I’ve given up dieting and have decided to just let my body go. I don’t just want to stop being so hungry all the time, I want to stop trying to be who I’m not. That skinny person with a flat chest and narrow hips is long gone and she’s never coming back. These days I was meant to be big, and big I shall be. It may not be my #1 choice, but it’s who I was meant to be. Fighting fate will only get me nowhere and when it does it doesn’t seem to last long.

Later…

A few of my friends and I check the crazy troll’s blog regularly enough to make sure there are no threats that Mommy Dearest should know about, though it appears Mommy has Alison blocked even though she told her to let her know if Molly trashes her again or talked shit she shouldn’t be talking.

Lately, the troll goes to the library to whine, complain, stalk and harass people from there because Mommy is keeping the naughty girl offline. I wonder how accessible the Des Moines library will be, assuming Josh still has no Internet service, and we don’t think he does because we would think he’d be involved in at least some of the sites Molly frequents if he did. Well, I hope to hell Josh has no Internet service! Then again, if he did and I decided to say something about them harassing me, it’d make it harder for Mommy to threaten me with bogus lawsuits if she weren’t in the same household with things in her name, wouldn’t it? Maybe so, but I’d rather stay in hiding like I have been because I enjoy the satisfaction of knowing she’s wondering what the hell I’m writing about. Also, until she finds my “secret” account, she can’t create new accounts of her own to badger me.

I will admit that a small part of me misses her loyal dedication to my posts and riling her up a bit with any mention of her. The fact that all 4 of her “former” friends are now on Thoughts has her really wound up big time, LOL. Even she said it makes her anxious, yet all she has to do is just ignore us. But she can’t and she won’t. She still swears one minute she wants nothing to do with Alison, but in the next breath, she is saying things like, “I can’t let go. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t stop looking up my old friends’ accounts.”

I hate to say it but a part of me can relate. I can’t seem to help but look in on her in return. Only difference is I do it to get a good laugh out of her crazy delusions and to see if she’s making threats. I don’t do it to comment, contact and harass her. But…if I could stop peeking in on her then I wouldn’t get so pissed for Aly and the shit she says about her, even though she’s deleting blogs as fast as she writes them these days. Then I would be freer of this person I totally dislike. But the habit does bite the best of us at times.

One minute she swears she’s never going to mention any of us again, the next she’s saying she wants to “end this war” and say how she feels “before it is too late.”

In reality, though, the only “war” going on is the one in her mind. The one in which she alone continues to fight by not leaving those alone who don’t want to be bothered by her.

Aly even had a fan when one girl suggested she back off, leave people alone who don’t want anything to do with her and focus on those who want to talk to her. Then the troll did what she usually does and tried to get her to call her. When the girl said she wouldn’t because she just admitted to being obsessive and stalkerish, I jumped in and warned the girl off in a PM. She thanked me, saying she suspected she was a bit off. But yeah, no matter who you are, first she’ll drive you batty with her constant demands for favors and attention, then she’ll accuse you of things you didn’t do when she gets all delusional, and lastly, she’ll stalk you for years when you try to break away. The less attention you give her, the less tightly she’ll grip you. But since I’m Alison’s friend and that’s the root of her obsession is why she’s had such a tight grip on me for so damn long. Same for Kim and Kat.

Speaking of Kathy I feel bad for her cuz now the troll knows her married name. When she created her thoughts blog through FB, I warned her that was a bad idea because now she’ll know her married name and she and her friends will now be harassed on FB. Sure enough, the troll did find her there and has sent messages to her and her husband pestering them and they’ve had to block her. Kathy will hide her friend list too, if she’s smart.

I can sort of understand the troll’s desperation to run to Josh even though they haven’t seen each other in 3 years, and that’s because, as she puts it, her parents are extremely controlling. They want her in a local group home. But all Molly wants to do is sit at home online harassing people and “crying out” for help and people to call her so she can tell them how horrible we are to her and how horrible her family is, too. As a friend said, when you give her an inch, she’ll demand a mile.

I really think that her visit to Josh is going to end up disastrous. Again, two peas in a pod. Two bad peas in a pod. If Molly can claim it’s “super cold” when it gets into the 50s where she lives, how will she stand Iowa? Is she really going to be happy sitting in Josh’s apartment all day and listening to every bump and bang around her while he works his two million jobs? Is she really going to like trekking through the freezing temps and snow to the library, that is if Josh hasn’t locked her in his apartment?

The best we can hope for is that if Molly doesn’t kill herself or someone else, then she’ll at least end up back home and in a group home soon enough, if not some kind of funny farm or jail if her behavior remains unchanged or even worsens. That’s just the thing right there, though. I have come to realize – well, I think I realized this months ago and that it just gets confirmed with time – that Molly will never change. No amount of time, talk or anything else is going to stop her addiction to stalking not only the people she’s been stalking but whoever she comes to stalk in the future as well. The only way to stop her is to physically prevent her from going online and the only way this will happen is if she ever fucks up bad enough to make it to jail or prison. You would think she’s heading in that direction, but her craziness would probably land her in a funny farm quicker than jail or prison. But I’d be willing to bet just about anything that if she were forced offline for 20 – even 50 years – the first thing she’d do when she gets back online would be to look us up. She’s never going to let us go. Never. It is a combination of this realization that has me tempted to say, “Fuck it,” and just carry on with public blogging as usual and just accept that she’s going to be a lifelong online nuisance that will go with it, but it also makes me want to continue sticking to just Facebook and the so-called secret thoughts.com account. I do blog on KB a bit (Amber’s back today, LOL) but that blog is members-only and her account is blocked. She rarely uses KB so I doubt she’ll discover I blocked her there. The cool thing about KB is that it prevents anyone you block from seeing your blog, unlike on Thoughts and MyOpera. Once she realizes I blocked her there, if she thinks to check, then she’d have to create a new account to see into mine.

I kinda wish I hated blogging! LOL

She’s spending more time on Formspring lately (I know this because she’s asking herself more questions on her own account there), not surprisingly, since there’s no other place she can check up on me as she used to other than Andy’s page there. My Formspring account is deactivated, my Twitter is private, My FB account is private and I’m not currently using MD and MO. Just KB and the Thoughts blog she has yet to discover. I don’t use real names there, but my writing style and subjects might give me away. How many people with rats live in trailers in the woods? How many know so many damn languages? How many write books? I didn’t post the links to them, though. Another thing I like about Thoughts is that you can control when things are posted. I prefer to post entries during hours she’s less likely to stumble upon them in the ‘recent blogs’ section. By the time she gets on Thoughts, they should be several pages from the front page.

My hubby, being the sweetheart that he is, is making me a little LED light to put inside my desk cabinet. It’s a long little compartment underneath that’s hard to see into. Especially at the angle the desk and overhead lights are situated at.