Rhino still has no intention of paying us and the horses lost $2. Thanks, God. Really, what the hell was I thinking when I told my folks to trust God in my last letter to them when He obviously could care less about some of us?! We’re never getting out of this room. Not alive anyway.

Today yields another hopeless attempt to get Rhino to pay up, but also a $5.80 profit with the horses! What began a few days ago at $18 is now over $30 as we continue to double our bets at this one Florida track. At least something’s working out, and Tom’s going to see if he can do other tracks just as well to up the money even faster. Geniuses and psychics work well together! The question is, if Rhino never pays up, how long will it take the horses to get us a new vehicle and out of this damn room? Tom doesn’t think it’d take too long cuz each week we’ll be betting more if things continue to go well. As for Rhino, he suspects it may be a tax thing where Rhino’s concerned and they’re just waiting for March to send the checks to even the amount of monthly taxes out, but if that’s the case, then why won’t they just come out and say so? I don’t think they ever intended to pay. Some companies are like that, unfortunately. They don’t want to pay you, they just want to draw attention to themselves. Why such a big company would need to pull such a scam, though, beats me. Perhaps they’re just so greedy that enough is never enough for them. Other than not getting the 9K and being stuck here, the weather’s been gorgeous, in the low 70s.

Another warm day has brought more car stereos out and about as well as more people chatting, smoking, etc. We had another quiet one-nighter in the inner room, but the end room, the worst one to have occupied, has been wonderfully empty since Saturday. I’m enjoying the peace till someone arrives to slam-dunk it in there.

Another day of my tension building too, the closer it gets to when Tom gets in with what I expect will be another story of getting the runaround and ending up nowhere as far as getting the 9K goes. As for the horses, you know how that goes – hit or miss. But one thing’s for sure and that’s that the 5th is definitely going to come! I hate to put our deaths on the motel staff, especially Michelle and Kissum, but we can’t live forever in this room and I’ll be damned if I’ll settle for an apartment and go through the shit I used to go through there. That’d really be taking a step backward in life! I asked Tom if he wanted to return to Oregon and he said, “No, I don’t go backward.” Well, an apartment would really be going backward! If we knew for sure we’d only be in one for a few months while we were waiting for the home we’ll never get to have built or picked out, that’d be one thing. But to go and live there indefinitely, uh-uh!

Anyway, at this point, if I could only have one housekeeper, I’d definitely pick Kissum. She’s by far the nicest. She cracked me up earlier when I was telling her we were having trouble getting the money I won and that I feared something was trying to keep us trapped in this room. Her solution to the problem was to switch rooms. We should’ve taken 336 so we wouldn’t have to be next to an end room. Why don’t they have more rooms like them if they’re so popular?

Kissum said not to tell anyone, but she had thought of me when she was working nearby last Sunday and wanted to bring me everything I needed, but I guess she was too busy.

In case I forgot to mention it, Michelle was nice enough to let us know that no matter how we book the room, we can have housekeeping every Wednesday either way. That’s really nice of her, especially since you’re not supposed to get service without booking for at least one whole week.

Later…

Now something’s not only trying to keep us in this room, but keep Tom from calling Rhino. One of the bosses wanted to talk to him right as he was going to call and believe it or not, they really are starting him on 2nd shift Monday! Finally! I didn’t think they’d ever put their actions where their mouths are on that one. At least that much is good. Tomorrow, he swears he’ll call Rhino earlier.

Another good thing is that Tom went back to that track his best computer brain is best at and got a $5 profit! As excited as I was, I tried to put a damper on it, reminding him that tomorrow could be the typical loss that follows a win. But then he had a point when he said that if you omit the foolish chance he took yesterday on that track that his computer isn’t really trained for where the horses aren’t as good anyway, we haven’t had the usual, win/lose rotation, but 3 straight wins, something we’ve never had before. Anyway, we hope “Operation Double Storm,” my newest dub for this newest program, will up our money fast! Especially if Rhino isn’t going to spring us out of here.

The other night I dreamt he won $50K on Netwinner, then a message came up saying, “We’re sorry, we don’t have the funds to pay this prize.” 

But then he also won $70 twice in something else, possibly the horses. I was a bit worried about the Netwinner dream, but he assured me that had the dream gone on, I’d have found he could’ve negotiated with Netwinner and had them pay a little at a time.

He got a new Boost phone that has internet access.

Today we lost 60¢ and Nancy’s still blowing us off. Tom says it’s because he made the mistake of playing a track where the horses aren’t as good, and that from now on, he’ll stick to this Florida track he usually plays that’s got really good horses, but I say it is what it is – the thing that doesn’t want us out of this room. The thing that also doesn’t want us getting that check to ensure that we don’t get out of this room.

He says he’s going to call Rhino tomorrow, which he learned is actually a division of Rubbermaid, a huge company. But if they’re so huge, I asked Tom, then why won’t they pay up? Tom says it’s because they’re incompetent. Yeah, but so is 95% of the world. They’re not paying up because God won’t let them because He knows that’d spring us out of here. You don’t curse someone with a schedule problem and keep them from getting money like this if you have their best interests at heart and you want them to succeed.

Tom says Tuesday is the only day they don’t race at the track he normally bets at, but I know things won’t change and that we’ll never get out of this room, let alone get to do the things we want to do in life. I had hoped that the fact that the last 7 months have been so shitty only meant that we’d be compensated with wonderful things to come, just like after I’d have a streak of not winning much would mean I was sitting on a big one and it was only a matter of time. But there’s obviously no compensation to come for this. It would’ve happened by now. We weren’t even in hell this long in Oregon.

I’m starting to look more and more forward to the 5th. I don’t know if I even care about the check all that much anymore for the simple fact that it wouldn’t have changed things. The horses being consistent or a win (that I actually received) of a million dollars would’ve changed things, but 9K won’t. It would’ve sprung us out of here, but after the money was spent on the new vehicle and the place, we would’ve been where we usually are – struggling to make ends meet amongst problem neighbors.

I put some panties and socks that were too snug on the mannequins before we left to stretch them out. I’d say they’re more than stretched out by now. Only thing is I’m never going to see them again or anything else we own. This really hurts, too. There’s so much we wanted to see and do. So I just try to focus on the good in dying. I don’t want to live in poverty with troublesome neighbors for the rest of my life. I don’t want to live to grow old, arthritic, cancerous, etc. And I certainly don’t want to live to see Tom get old and have to suffer either.

I’ll spend our last week mostly reading, immersed in a world of fantasy to keep my mind off of the fact that we’re on death row, then the gambler and the sweeper will both sign off forever.

Incredibly, I had yet a third cold trying to set itself in today, but I’m pretty sure I killed it with hot food and drinks and lots of wishful thinking. I awoke with a sore throat and was like, what the hell?! Why would I suddenly be getting one cold after another after going over a decade without any? Then I remembered that right before I entered the office yesterday to get a long envelope I needed from Michelle, some guy entered and said something about losing his voice. Perhaps he was sick? Either way, I just hope I’ll get to live my last week without being sick or with any ear/tooth pain!

We ended up with a $4 profit yesterday! We’re starting off with small bets because we don’t have much money right now and we want to make sure his latest update is going to be consistent. Right now we don’t care how small the profits are as long as there’s a profit of some kind every time he bets. Then he can fine-tune things from there the more the money builds up and bet bigger. Hopefully, he’ll find there’s a profit when he gets in, and hopefully he’ll have something meaningful from Nancy rather than “the check will be sent shortly.” He found Rhino’s number, so he’ll call and blast them out directly if he has to.

At least I got my Spa Finder GC, even though I have to order the two spa baskets I chose by mail. It’s weird. I can order from their online shop, but I still have to mail in the GC, plus money for shipping costs. It would’ve been easier if they’d just sent a promo code, but at least this way we won’t have to worry about them having credit card info to bill it to like Bluefly did, instead of taking from the credit won.

I just hope there’s a profit today! Today will tell us if anything’s really changed for the better, or if it’s just like it always was where we’d go back and forth between winning and losing.

Later…

Made a buck of a profit and Nancy’s still blowing us off.

We had an overnighter in the inside room last night that was quiet. The end room turned out not too bad, but they’re gone, too. They left yesterday. So now we have the end of this side on this floor to ourselves for now.

Yesterday when we returned from Walmart and were taking the groceries out of the truck, we could’ve sworn we heard someone screaming for help somewhere near the other motel. In the middle of the day with enough people out and about, I can’t imagine what could’ve happened, but obviously whatever it was, assuming it wasn’t really some unruly kid playing around, it must not have been too big a deal because nothing was in the local news for this area.

Tom had another killer sinus headache, and again I wondered if something was not just punishing us for trying to fight fate, but for wanting to gamble. As much as his head hurt, though, he still managed to place a few bets in Florida today, as well as some evening bets in Texas. The tracks in southern Cal and northern Florida have been affected by bad weather. It’s been rainy and extremely windy. I’m amazed we didn’t lose power, so unless we don’t make a profit, things could’ve been worse. It’ll be interesting to see what the results are later on when he awakes from his nap. Did my dream mean anything good? Or was it just a tease with his latest program being the same hit-or-miss bust it was before?

If the horses or Rhino won’t let us out of this room, we’ll just have to let ourselves out as I said before, though we’d rather walk out of here alive and with a home to go to. Much rather that!

It’s really frustrating how the results we get in life can sometimes not go with our actions and we end up with such totally backward results. Since when are you supposed to work this hard just to be broke most of the time unless you’re in a poor country? Or a drunk or a druggie?

Also, not that we regret not having kids, but the main reason for not having them was so that we could have a life. So we could do the things we either wouldn’t be able to do at all or couldn’t do without a million interruptions. Yet here we are as lifeless as most folks with kids! Like donning a coat just to be colder!

After a few days of peace, we got someone in the end room, and sure enough, they’re noisy. They’ve been up banging around for a couple of hours now, but haven’t left the room yet. I’m amazed they slipped in without waking me up as noisy as they are. First it was off to bang around in the bathroom, and then it was off to blast the TV. I hope they check out in an hour at check-out time!

We’re still being ignored by Nancy, but Tom, who plans to call her Monday and give her a piece of his mind along with a piece of mine, swears he’s had a major breakthrough unlike never before where his program can now pick the winners at least half the time. He said that’s the ultimate achievement because then it enables you to make all kinds of different bets. Well, we’ll see this weekend if he can finally find the time to do it while there’s a little extra money.

Meanwhile, we’ve set a deadline of March 5th. I can’t go on like this month after month, struggling to get nowhere, living with promises of prizes that never come, people that never shut up. Almost never, anyway. I didn’t come here to live like a bum and neither did Tom. We’re not going to endure another 40 years of poverty and chaos. I don’t know if the afterlife will be any better if there is one, but I’m ready to find out if things don’t change by the 5th, and Tom’s agreed he’ll find out with me. I assured him he can hang on and keep struggling along if he wants to, but he insists we’re in this together. We either live together or die together, depending on what happens over the next 12 days. All I know is that if the horses don’t look promising or one of the checks isn’t either received or said to be on its way, I want out. I’ve had enough! Of course we’d prefer to live, but only if our lives can belong to us and we can be in the damn driver’s seat of it for once. It’d be one thing to never have a nice, quiet place to live, but at least let us out of this damn room! The ball is now in God’s court. If He wants us to live He’ll open the door to our freedom. If not, He’ll continue to allow us to be trapped here with no apparent way out.

Satish is nice, but he sure is an idiot. Really, stupid! He was here with a clipboard yesterday, consulting with Say about how many more rooms she had left (I guess he’s the boss of the housekeepers at times), then he showed me a way to check for rentals on Yahoo which he insisted weren’t all owned by management companies. Yet all the ones I could find within our price range were indeed owned by companies. Or at least run by them.

He says he wants to really take his time searching for a new house, despite the continuing price drop because he wants a place to stay permanently in. Let me guess, he’ll be able to find the perfect place and we won’t. No, we’ll keep rental-hopping from one rowdy dump to another. Right? Right, God? We’re not deserving of finding the right place to stay forever. Only other people are.

Tom said he saw a couple of shady characters the other day on the 2nd floor trying doors. I never heard ours rattle, so I guess they didn’t get as far as the 3rd floor.

Tom had a sinus headache yesterday at work so intense he nearly left to lay down in the truck since he wouldn’t have been able to drive with it. Hey God, I thought I was his sacrifice. Take it out on me if one of us must have physical problems!

Each day that passes without hearing from Nancy or getting the check raises my fears of us being the victims of a cruel publicity stunt. The main reason for having sweeps is to draw attention to your company. But people are stupid. So much so that they obviously forgot to consider the fact that not delivering prizes would only bring them negative publicity. As I’ve told Tom, he’s been too soft with Nancy. Sometimes being harsh and really putting your foot down with these assholes is the only way to get results. That’s the way it was with Simple Green. So we’ve agreed that he can waste one more email on her on Friday, then I’ll take a shot at her next week and make my threats without actually threatening, and let them know that I’m not only getting pissed but that it’s in everyone’s best interest if they stop wasting time and send the prize now. This implies a lot of possibilities.

Meanwhile, I would sure love to know what other winners are doing and how they’re handling the delays and excuses.

I’d also love to know why God wants us to remain in this room so badly. Why is it so damn important to Him? It’s not like we can live wherever we want anyway. I know we’re not allowed to live in peace. In fact, I’m willing to deliberately concentrate on an old dumpy place in a rundown neighborhood that is noisy enough not to steal much of my sleep, but enough of my peace when I’m awake. That way I know the risk of losing it would be low.

We’re still doing what we do best – waiting for nothing to happen. I hope this week (what’s left of it) won’t be another “nothing” week, but we’ll see. I have a little bit better feeling for this week than I did for last week. Maybe that’s because we have a little more money now and will finally be getting a decent paycheck with some overtime on it this Friday. Yeah, God denied my request to spare us from having to pawn the TV, but at least we’ll only have to pay interest of $35, instead of the $50 or more I thought we’d have to pay, and we have 130 days. We decided to let the camera go too, since they now have better ones for much less. I just hope God will care enough about us to let us have a place to live! And real soon, too! I tell you, some of our old problems would be a blessing to have over the stress and problems we’ve been dealing with. I’d gladly bitch about barking dogs just to have a home, rather than live in the fear of going hungry, homeless or worse.

I had a slight vibe on a small white car, plus something about March 10th. Other than that, yesterday sure ended better than it began. I was so stressed out, worrying that we wouldn’t get enough money for the TV, even though common sense told me we would. High-def TVs are still pretty pricey, and so it’s not like people are going to have them to pawn them regularly. It was still so stressful waiting till we actually pawned it because we still needed to pay for storage, the rest of the week here, get some food, gas, that sort of thing. Anyway, they offered either $150 or $225, and we took the $225. We could’ve gotten by on $150 if we really cut back on the groceries and waited till the weekend to pay for storage, but we decided it’d be best to give ourselves some extra cushion there. It was nice to get lotion, ibuprofen and those little things so many folks take for granted that make life a little more comfortable. It still pisses me off, though, to have to be pawning shit. And so late in life too, and as hard as we work. The more I learn about pawn shops, though, the more I can see that some things would be good to get there. You can get a really good deal on stereos there.

It’s “black history” month when the blacks all come out and try to convince us how wonderful they are. Thank God February’s the shortest month of the year!

Michelle has been kind enough to give us housekeeping every Wednesday that we’re still stuck here, even if we have to book the room in twos. Normally, you’re not supposed to get any service without booking for at least a whole week. Prasaad is the name of that Indian chick I don’t like as much as the others, though I don’t know how it’s pronounced. She did the room last time around and seemed pleasant enough.

When I went down to give her a letter to mail, I asked if she signed up with Netwinner and she said she just moved and still hasn’t got any internet access yet.

She also got quite a haircut, too. Before it was just below her waist and now it’s barely to the middle of her back.

We’ve been having some nice afternoons and even hit 70º a few days ago. This week, however, is to be rainy. We’re so close to the foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains, that Tom can sometimes see snow on some of the vehicles that have come down from the mountains that haven’t had time to melt off. That’s how close we are to the evil crap.

My second cold is just about over. Now I just have to hope I don’t get a third one!

I’ve been feeling rather shitty, thanks to whatever has us trapped in this room. That’s part of it. See, I begged God to take it out on me and make me sick in order to spare Tom the misery of allergies if need be, so now I have a cold all over again, although this one’s easier. I’ve had more colds in the last year than in the last 12 years altogether! At first I was worried because while He was quick to let me be a sacrifice since we’ve always got to have something going on, He neglected to ease up on Tom’s allergies at first, but they’re now starting to get much better.

Since we very well could end up forced to pawn the TV, I’m almost embarrassed I praised God to my folks and urged them to pray, telling them it’d make things run smoother. Why has He answered most prayers, but not my pleas to be let out of this room? I’m constantly reminded of that line in that old Eagles song Hotel California where they say, “You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.” It’s getting harder to pray to anything that would want us to be wrung through the wringer like this month after month. Why would God want us to suffer and live poorly? Why wouldn’t He have our best interests at heart? Same reason He doesn’t give a damn about millions of others with shitty lives, I suppose. Really, though, poverty is one hard life! The thought of scraping pennies for the rest of my life is enough to make me wonder if life is even worth living. Not being able to get the things you want is one thing, but having to pawn this and sell that just to survive is another. I actually miss some of our old problems. At least then our lives weren’t on the line. Not like they have been anyway. We could’ve been killed in Oregon, yes, but last October was no comparison. If I hadn’t remembered those phone numbers, or if my folks had refused to help us, we’d definitely be dead. I don’t see any other way we could’ve survived. Tom would’ve survived if he’d been by himself, but he wasn’t and he never will be.

Of course, a part of me still wonders if we haven’t been granted a reprieve, but just a little extension. Maybe what happened only happened to reunite my folks and I so that they could be notified of our impending deaths, and have our stuff. Maybe they would want to read the journals and stories after all, which is hard to believe. The drama queen would at least want the journals, but I highly doubt any of them would want the stories.

Last night I was so panicky, wondering if we’d ever live to see any of the money I’ve won, and we still may not as there are a million things that could go wrong along the way. But as Tom pointed out, and even though stranger things have happened, it’s hard to believe they would all let us down and fail to come through. Yeah, they probably will come through, but the question is when? How much more suffering will we have to do in the meantime?

So anyway, I was all bummed out when the check wasn’t at the mail place when he checked on Wednesday. Then, just as Tom was falling asleep, he swore he had a vibe about it being sent today, which means it would arrive Tuesday since Monday’s President’s Day (at least he’s been with the company long enough to get paid for this holiday whether he works it or not). What’s got us wondering if he may be turning psychic himself is because of the Netwinner dream that sort of came true. He emailed Nancy yesterday and she said she’d contact Rhino to see what was up, so hopefully – hopefully – she’ll email us today to say it’s been sent!

Best Buy finally admitted they were not going to have that printer, so they canceled the order. I don’t know if we’ll just get new ink for the inkjets we have, or get another new laser. If we live to escape this room, then I’m sure we’d do both at some point.

Another weekend he won’t be able to gamble, and again, is it because something’s trying to keep us from money we’d inevitably make? Or is it trying to tell us, “Hey, there’s no money for you here? Don’t waste your time.”

Even though we don’t qualify for housekeeping this week cuz it was cheaper to book the room in twos, Michelle was kind enough to put us on for today. I hope it’s Kissum, the motormouth since I’ve gotten used to her.

Speaking of Netwinner, I am sooo pissed at them! They cut us to just 100 spins per day on the money wheel and just 10 Banko cards. First it was unlimited spins, then 800 spins and 30 Bankos, now it’s just 100 spins and 10 Bankos. What comes next, 50 spins and 5 Bankos? Obviously, they need to save money, though I don’t know why. They’ve got their jackpot odds set high enough to keep people from ever hitting it. They’ve also taken down their forums. Guess they got tired of people bitching about how long they take to fulfill prizes, and all the damn changes they constantly gotta go and make.

Anyway, we’ve got one account in my name and two in his to help make up for the cutback.

Tom’s allergies are still bad. He’s pretty sure it’s something that’s starting to bloom as a lot of trees have started to bud around here. At least they’re letting him work an hour overtime in the mornings.

Another day of sitting in this room waiting. There’s no reason the check shouldn’t be there tomorrow, from a logical standpoint, but from God’s standpoint, I can almost guarantee that it won’t be. Of all the prayers He’s answered, and there have been quite a few, He just won’t budge when it comes to getting out of places we don’t want to be in. I asked for the apartment upon coming here. The answer was no. I asked for Satish’s house. The answer was no. So obviously we’re right where He wants us and where we’re meant to be. The question is how to escape, and how to do it before another crisis hits. Just how do you defy God, go against Him, and beat Him in the end? And all without being punished for it?

I hope the people that checked into the end room at 10:00 last night stay as quiet as they have been, because judging by the way they had to use the dolly to haul their stuff up here, they’re not going anywhere soon. Seems like they crashed pretty much as soon as they got in.

Will the dolly be needed at room 338 soon enough? God, I hope so!

I also hope Tom and I both don’t end up with the same allergy attacks I had in Phoenix. He had one all day at work where they’re back to the 2nd shift bullshit. Now it’s March 3rd this is supposed to happen.

Meanwhile, all I can do is hope we survive until the check gets here. This is really scary, you know? Always having to wonder if we’ll make it. It seems the problems I had before the turn of the century weren’t nearly as bad. They were bad, but still, my worst problems as an adult were noise, being stuck where I didn’t want to be, not being able to have things I wanted, and some health problems. But when we first went to Oregon, as well as for the last half a year, I’ve had to literally fear for my life at times. I wasn’t even this scared when I used to have those ferocious asthma attacks. Yet right now, until and if we ever do obtain a more secure life, there are a million things that could easily go wrong. Things that wouldn’t simply “inconvenience” us.

One way or another, we are going to take $20 to gamble this weekend and see if my dream means anything.

Things are really shitty right now. Not as shitty as in October, but shitty enough, and it’s all over being just a lousy $100 short.

We’ve been hungry and losing weight again. I like how it makes rocking easier, but it’s totally no wonder most older folks are fat! Diets work, yes, but the people can’t stick to them cuz it makes them feel like shit. I just can’t cut it on diets like I could when I was younger. They just make me feel totally rundown.

The storage people said we may as well hang onto our money for now and just pay the $15 late fee (at least it’s not $50 or more) because even if we pay them in installments, we’d still have to pay the late fee.

For the millionth time I have to ask, are we always going to live our lives in poverty? Are money and noise forever an issue for us??? Is there really no escape? Well, each year that it’s the same old, same old, the answer gets more and more dismally obvious. I don’t know how much longer I can go on this way. I do not want to live another 40 years in misery, always scraping pennies and dealing with neighbor’s shit! This idea totally saps my will to live. What’s the point of winning all this money if we can’t have it when we need it? I don’t want to end up forced to die in a motel room, either. Tom says worst-case scenario we sell or pawn the TV, and hey, why not? I can’t seem to have anything I win anyway. I just won a satellite radio, though with no subscription, and although it’s only worth a couple hundred, I’m sure we’ll lose that, too.

Nancy responded to Tom’s email yesterday and said that last she knew the check would be sent “shortly.” But shortly could mean a few weeks or more, unfortunately, and I’m still weeks away from the $500 writing check from Clorox, plus the $200 Netwinner owes me, and they’ve cut just about all Tom’s overtime at work. For now, our stuff is unpaid for, we’re hungry and totally worn out. I told Jessie, whose new job sucks so much that it’s affecting her home life and she dreads going to work worse than before, to just be glad she has the security of a roof over her head and food to eat!

I also told her she can hug herself for getting me to see something I didn’t see before. That it’s the damn motel that’s holding us back, not the place itself. It’s like trying to kick someone’s ass while restrained in a body bag. I was beginning to worry that something was punishing me for trying to chase a dream and that it was the state, not the motel.

Renting is the least of our concerns, I told Jes. Sure we’d rather own, but if we could have a secure place without a lot of noise, we’d rent all our lives if we had to. If we survive to get the check, we’re still going to aim for a rental first, but if no one will take us, we’ll get a trailer. While the trailer would save us a ton of money, I’d really hate to be cramped into such confined spaces, and it may be noisier at a campground. Especially during the summer. But like I said, if my whole future is basically going to be what it is in the present, I don’t know that I want to live at all, period. Take the end room, for example, I think it’s empty right now, but just what is it with that room lately having to come and go so damn much of the time? The inner room doesn’t usually do that. So what’s up with the end room? Why is it that every 2-3 guests in there end up so obnoxious if not, really damn close to it?

If I, or we, are going to kill ourselves to escape this never-ending cycle of bullshit, we’d definitely want to do it on our own terms. As in a bathroom of a rental or in a trailer, not a motel. But if we can’t live the way we want to, who says we can die the way we want to?

Tom said what’s got him so excited about all the money we’re waiting on is that for once it’s enough. In the past, it’d never be enough. The money from the Phoenix house was more than we expected, but not enough. The money from Maricopa, not enough. The money coming down here, still not enough.

Tom feels sure I’d be having nightmares warning of impending disaster if we were headed that way, but it’s still been very stressful and depressing. It’s like God doesn’t want me to eat, sleep or have a place to live, and I’m rapidly losing the faith I’d gained in Him, too.

Meanwhile, we redid the spell we did at the duplex. Hopefully, it’ll kick in again for us really soon and make our lives a little easier for a change, cuz it’s been terrible since coming here and the bamboo is obviously not as powerful as I gave it credit for unless things would’ve been even worse had we not taken them, which we can never know, nor do I want to know. I totally regret coming here. Not cuz I hate it here, but cuz of how rough it’s been. Yet neither of us ever wants to return to Oregon.

Spring is trying to nudge its way into this area. Wish we had a decent place to enjoy it without all the stress. I still feel out of sorts today, and Tom says it’s just because I’m getting over being sick (and that the sneezing was indeed connected to the cold). That may be part of it, but I think most of it is knowing that check could be weeks, even months away. Nancy completely blew off his last email about it. Guess she and the people that are actually going to cut the check have run out of excuses as to why they just can’t put the damn thing in the mail and send it to us. They forgot one, though. The one where someone dies, be it for real or not. What about that one? Isn’t the death of a family member one of the standard excuses?

Last night I dreamt telling Andy, as he drove up to a house we were in for a visit, that Tom still says we’re going to get rich, and Andy said, “Yes, you are,” matter of factly. This was before I was telling him about the “surprise pregnancy” and the child we gave up.

Tom said while he’d never take all my dreams literally, at least they’ve been positive. True, but I don’t feel very hopeful and positive right now. I feel hopelessly trapped in this room. We may have to pawn more stuff just to eat next week.

This isn’t Africa! We’re not strung out on coke or lazy! We work hard, so what are we doing in poverty??? Why are we any less deserving of a normal life and a decent place to live than anyone else???

I just wish I knew why God has answered all my prayers but the one about the check arriving and letting us get out of this room! Even the weight one finally seems to have been answered. At first I prayed for the willpower to lose a little weight, but that never happened. So then I asked, in spite of my lack of willpower, that he speed up my metabolism. Well, I’ve still been eating, I haven’t exercised in over a week due to feeling lousy, yet I’m down a bit.

Anyway, perhaps it’s time to change my prayers from “Please let us find a peaceful place to live,” to, “Please let me learn to accept never living where I want to live.”

Right now I am so, so depressed. The check still hasn’t come, and thanks to my worthless spells and being cooped up in such tight quarters, I still feel sick. Mostly because my head is clogged. I’m no longer coughing or sneezing or with a scratchy throat, though.

Anyway, something wants us trapped in this room, but why? Why, why, why??? Is it because it’s the last place I want to be? Because it’s so expensive? Tinkerbell’s spirit trying to hold us back? I don’t think she’d do such a thing, though, so the only reason I can think of as to why it’s got us stuck here is to keep us broke and unhappy. Who wants to live in a motel they can barely afford? Now we may very well have to pawn the TV I won just to get by. The thought of the rest of our lives being nothing but living in poverty and chaos makes me really want to beat my head into the wall at times! And worse. Hell, we haven’t even had our own washer/dryer for the last 4 years! Even a simple, ordinary everyday thing like that would be quite a luxury for us! I totally feel destined to be the underdog forever at times! We work so hard yet just can’t seem to get ahead. Right now we don’t even have the $20 to test the latest horse program.

It’s days like this where I’d tell you, forget everything I said about God, He doesn’t give a damn. I’ve prayed many times for this check to be there to no avail. Why would He want us to suffer like this??? All we want is a simple rental of around $800 a month that’s closer to wherever he’s to be working for as long as he has to work for someone else. Why are the simplest things so much to ask for at times???

We really need to get a new vehicle before he gets pulled over too, though he’s had cops behind him before, like today, and they haven’t pulled him over, and there seems to be a surprising amount of cars running around with expired plates as it is. There are an awful lot of laws that don’t get enforced. Just cuz there are freedom of speech laws doesn’t mean you can say what you want. Well, just cuz you’re not supposed to drive around with expired plates doesn’t mean you can’t, but we’d really rather not!

There’s Operation Third Horse, as I’ve dubbed it, which only does the horse that comes in third, and only on the western tracks. He’s also been working on Operation Every Horse, which does superfectas all over the country, but I’m so afraid it’s just another tease on us. And my dream too, where he won 2K, though I rarely have dreams like that for nothing. Even he believes it means something good.

He dreamt that instead of doing the quick pick on Netwinner, he picked all 6s and hit the jackpot. Well, he didn’t hit that, but he got 500 points.

Yeah, he’s been having some weird dreams, too. After racking his brains out trying to figure out how to be able to win on better-paying bets anywhere, he dreamt of a way to do it, tried it when he woke up, and it seems to work so far.

Either way, I’m so afraid we’re just not meant to make it here. I totally regret leaving Oregon at this point, totally! All that’s been better here is the weather. It was too cold and he hated his job, but we had a whole lot more security and peace of mind in that old, tilted little dump. I’m so, so sorry we gave it all up! But there’s no turning back now, so we’re either going to make it someday, someway, or we’re going to get fed up enough with the same old never-ending cycle of bullshit and get out of this crazy world.

Other than that, I thinned my hair some more to get the weight off, and they changed his hours to 9:00-5:00. This would allow him to place more bets before work if we could ever get to that point, but it’s still a sucky job with sucky people and sucky pay.

Another week of hopefully not the same old, same old bullshit of getting nowhere. As in no check and as in late fees for not paying for storage on time. He says they can’t do anything for weeks, but if anyone knows about laws that are never enforced, it’s me. Just because we have laws saying we have the right to free speech doesn’t mean we can say anything we want. So just because they say one thing doesn’t mean they might not do another. We’ll just have to wait and see and hope for the best.

I did have a dream that Tom gambled and gave “Operation Third Horse,” as I’ve dubbed it, its first real run, and won two grand. The only problem with Operation Third Horse, though, is that it only works at limited tracks, so he’s been trying to work the program to be more flexible. OTH is just for Western tracks so far.

I don’t know, it’s still hard to imagine us with money. Do people really change fates midlife like they sometimes change careers? Our having money seems to go against everything God’s set up for us so far and totally defeats the purpose of the schedule curse. Once again, that was to stunt us financially and help keep us from living where we want, so why now, all of a sudden, would He grant us money?

I could smell the stench of pot in the bathroom earlier. The bathrooms are connected by vents in fours. No one’s on either side of us right now, but some chick on the other side was obviously getting high and squealing with delight over the Superbowl. Thank God no one was next to us tonight!

I wish we could be on the other side. That way the sounds of the highway would be sort of like another sound machine, and people would be less tempted to blast stereos there since the office is on that side. See, we can’t even be where we want to be within where we don’t want to be. Just like at the duplex and other places.

I just want to get out of this place altogether! And I don’t want to be struggling in some chaotic dump anywhere either, but like I said, at this point I’ll take a dumpy place that isn’t exactly spacious or peaceful over this or an apartment and even over a trailer.

Right now I’m so depressed, frustrated and just feeling lousy in general. The check still hasn’t come and I’m feeling more and more trapped and hopeless. My cold has left me feeling pretty shitty, and I’m having an allergy attack I fear is not related to my cold. This is the third time I’ve had sneezing fits since we’ve been down here. I’m afraid it’s going to get more and more frequent and that I’ll have attacks like I did in Phoenix.

I’m so worried that it will not only be weeks before we get the check but that the money will run out before we can either get a house or a trailer, leaving us stuck here even longer.

It’s times like this that make me wonder if I should bother praying. Perhaps as long as I didn’t cuss God out, the prayers that were granted would’ve been granted anyway. Maybe my prayers had nothing to do with it.

If God really has a “plan” for us, then why does He want us trapped here? It’s obviously important to Him that we be here for some reason, but what is it? It can’t be because I like Michelle, because even if that were entirely mutual, a fling with another woman is the last thing God would ever want for me. He’s never wanted me with another woman, and the idea of sex in general just doesn’t excite me like it does when we’re younger, so that brings me to the only other possible reason I can think of, and it’s not a good one. If I’m right, God is anything but our friend! I hope I’m wrong on this one, but could it be because it’s the last choice on my list? My first choice would obviously be a house. Runner-up to that would be a trailer. Next would be an apartment. An apartment would be noisier than a motel, but we could have our stuff, more space, and not have the hassles of housekeepers. A motel would be my absolute last choice. So is that why we’re here? Is that why we’re really here??? Like I said, I hope not! Yet I can’t help but feel like I’m being punished for trying to chase another dream. Our lives have sucked since coming here, making me have a lot of things I feel sorry about. I’m sorry we didn’t stay in Phoenix, take the security and put up with the freeloader’s shit. I’m sorry Maricopa didn’t work out. I’m sorry Oregon was too cold and that he hated his job.

Tom thinks I only got the two colds I’ve had since being here and the one on the cruise because we were in such confined spaces when he got sick first, then gave it to me. He also thinks the check will come this week and that we’ll get a house, but you know him, always thinks things will work out. But they never do. At least they haven’t yet.

I’m pissed that we can’t even afford to gamble and test out his latest development, but at the same time, I’m not stupid. I know it’s just another tease on us. Everybody’s different, but with me, the longer something’s been a certain way, the more likely it is to stay that way, and well, I’ve struggled financially for most of my adult life, so it’s awfully hard to believe that could ever change.

I worry that God only let me win this money because he knows they’re going to maybe fire Tom, or have some other crises arise that’ll steal most of it before we can get a place. Hell, I’d take the rowdiest tooth house at this point! I’m not allowed to live in peace anyway, so why not? It’s all I know and it’s what’s familiar to me, so I have no problem at this point with living on someone else’s driveway and with their dogs and music if it’s going to get us into a cheaper place with more than one room and all our stuff.

I also worry I’m not going to be able to survive another 40 years or so of poverty and chaos!