Spring is trying to nudge its way into this area. Wish we had a decent place to enjoy it without all the stress. I still feel out of sorts today, and Tom says it’s just because I’m getting over being sick (and that the sneezing was indeed connected to the cold). That may be part of it, but I think most of it is knowing that check could be weeks, even months away. Nancy completely blew off his last email about it. Guess she and the people that are actually going to cut the check have run out of excuses as to why they just can’t put the damn thing in the mail and send it to us. They forgot one, though. The one where someone dies, be it for real or not. What about that one? Isn’t the death of a family member one of the standard excuses?

Last night I dreamt telling Andy, as he drove up to a house we were in for a visit, that Tom still says we’re going to get rich, and Andy said, “Yes, you are,” matter of factly. This was before I was telling him about the “surprise pregnancy” and the child we gave up.

Tom said while he’d never take all my dreams literally, at least they’ve been positive. True, but I don’t feel very hopeful and positive right now. I feel hopelessly trapped in this room. We may have to pawn more stuff just to eat next week.

This isn’t Africa! We’re not strung out on coke or lazy! We work hard, so what are we doing in poverty??? Why are we any less deserving of a normal life and a decent place to live than anyone else???

I just wish I knew why God has answered all my prayers but the one about the check arriving and letting us get out of this room! Even the weight one finally seems to have been answered. At first I prayed for the willpower to lose a little weight, but that never happened. So then I asked, in spite of my lack of willpower, that he speed up my metabolism. Well, I’ve still been eating, I haven’t exercised in over a week due to feeling lousy, yet I’m down a bit.

Anyway, perhaps it’s time to change my prayers from “Please let us find a peaceful place to live,” to, “Please let me learn to accept never living where I want to live.”