Right now I am so, so depressed. The check still hasn’t come, and thanks to my worthless spells and being cooped up in such tight quarters, I still feel sick. Mostly because my head is clogged. I’m no longer coughing or sneezing or with a scratchy throat, though.

Anyway, something wants us trapped in this room, but why? Why, why, why??? Is it because it’s the last place I want to be? Because it’s so expensive? Tinkerbell’s spirit trying to hold us back? I don’t think she’d do such a thing, though, so the only reason I can think of as to why it’s got us stuck here is to keep us broke and unhappy. Who wants to live in a motel they can barely afford? Now we may very well have to pawn the TV I won just to get by. The thought of the rest of our lives being nothing but living in poverty and chaos makes me really want to beat my head into the wall at times! And worse. Hell, we haven’t even had our own washer/dryer for the last 4 years! Even a simple, ordinary everyday thing like that would be quite a luxury for us! I totally feel destined to be the underdog forever at times! We work so hard yet just can’t seem to get ahead. Right now we don’t even have the $20 to test the latest horse program.

It’s days like this where I’d tell you, forget everything I said about God, He doesn’t give a damn. I’ve prayed many times for this check to be there to no avail. Why would He want us to suffer like this??? All we want is a simple rental of around $800 a month that’s closer to wherever he’s to be working for as long as he has to work for someone else. Why are the simplest things so much to ask for at times???

We really need to get a new vehicle before he gets pulled over too, though he’s had cops behind him before, like today, and they haven’t pulled him over, and there seems to be a surprising amount of cars running around with expired plates as it is. There are an awful lot of laws that don’t get enforced. Just cuz there are freedom of speech laws doesn’t mean you can say what you want. Well, just cuz you’re not supposed to drive around with expired plates doesn’t mean you can’t, but we’d really rather not!

There’s Operation Third Horse, as I’ve dubbed it, which only does the horse that comes in third, and only on the western tracks. He’s also been working on Operation Every Horse, which does superfectas all over the country, but I’m so afraid it’s just another tease on us. And my dream too, where he won 2K, though I rarely have dreams like that for nothing. Even he believes it means something good.

He dreamt that instead of doing the quick pick on Netwinner, he picked all 6s and hit the jackpot. Well, he didn’t hit that, but he got 500 points.

Yeah, he’s been having some weird dreams, too. After racking his brains out trying to figure out how to be able to win on better-paying bets anywhere, he dreamt of a way to do it, tried it when he woke up, and it seems to work so far.

Either way, I’m so afraid we’re just not meant to make it here. I totally regret leaving Oregon at this point, totally! All that’s been better here is the weather. It was too cold and he hated his job, but we had a whole lot more security and peace of mind in that old, tilted little dump. I’m so, so sorry we gave it all up! But there’s no turning back now, so we’re either going to make it someday, someway, or we’re going to get fed up enough with the same old never-ending cycle of bullshit and get out of this crazy world.

Other than that, I thinned my hair some more to get the weight off, and they changed his hours to 9:00-5:00. This would allow him to place more bets before work if we could ever get to that point, but it’s still a sucky job with sucky people and sucky pay.