We went out for a bite to eat last night as well as to Walgreens. I got
some really nice nail polish. It’s a bold, shimmering shade of violet.
I also dreamed that I won $350 worth of flooring, only I was living with
my dead parents.
Speaking of my parents, the answer to something I’ve always wondered hit
me the other day, and I can’t believe it took decades to do it. Really, the
answer was so damn obvious all along.
For years I wondered if I was taken away from my parents in my teens or
if they gave me up on their own. Of course they gave me up on their own. I’m
not surprised, though it was more likely her idea and he went along with it… as
always. She hated kids and with me being so much younger than Larry and Tammy,
she just couldn’t wait for me to hurry up and get old enough to get out of the
house. In those days you were pressured to have kids, unlike today where you’re
often pressured to skip kids and work, work, work.
I’m also not surprised because hey, this was the '80s. Even if I’d shown
up to school plastered with bruises, the odds of me being taken away were slim.
It was (and still kind of is) very hard to get a kid removed from their
parents.
It was what she did that final morning at home that answered my
question. Again, I just don’t know why it took me so long to put two and two
together. Perhaps it’s cuz no one wants to believe their own mother gave up on
them. Oh, but mine sure did, and if there’s an afterlife in which she could
possibly look down on me, I wonder how she feels about it being published
online for all the world to see. *looks upwards* Yeah, you didn’t think of
that, bitch, did you?
It was spring of ’82, just a few months after my 5-month “sentence” in
the Brattleboro Retreat up in Vermont. It wasn’t really a “retreat,” of course.
They just called it that. But what it really was was a psych hospital run like
a prison.
During the months between December and April, I never returned to public
schools. I attended an alternative high school in Springfield. It was a small
building and there weren’t many of us. Maybe about 15-20 students. A guy that
most of us got high with every morning, picked us Longmeadow kids up in a van
and drove us to the school. I liked this little school. We had tons of freedom
there. Not many kids, then or now, could get high with their drivers, take
breaks at the school whenever they felt like it, and openly smoke cigarettes as
well.
I overslept one April morning and my mother woke me up in a panic,
saying my ride was waiting. She rushed me into the bathroom, into my clothes,
and out the door. I don’t think I even ate that morning. I was utterly
exhausted, too.
Looking back on it now… why was it so important she make the driver wait
like that so I could go to school that day? Normally, wouldn’t one’s mother
tell the driver, “Hey, she’s still asleep. I won’t make you and the other
students rudely wait for her. I’ll get her up and bring her in myself later, or
we’ll skip today altogether.”
But she knew I wasn’t coming back. She’d had her fill with being my
mother on a full-time basis and she knew that was my last day living there as a
minor. That contact she said we weren’t “allowed” in the beginning; that was
her idea, no doubt.
Knowing the answer can’t change history, of course, but it’s answered my
question and settled my curiosity… as well as reinforced my hatred for the
bitch, for some of the places I ended up were far worse than living with the
tyrant from hell. Far worse.
As I said before, I don’t know if there’s a God or an afterlife, but if
there is, Mommy Dearest, I hope you’re rotting in hell, you bitch, and that the
God who protected you when you were alive is making you pay tenfold!
Later…
I thought I was getting better but instead, I got worse. Over the
weekend I was borderline anxious, but as soon as he left to go to work
yesterday morning I was in for 4 hours of hell. My heart raced up a storm and I
was terrified that I was going to have the kind of attack I had on the 29th,
even though that attack was clearly due to the dosage increase. I thought I
would get better since it’s been decreased, but I am still having anxious
moments where I feel like I will never be the person I was before these days
began. I miss the days of having absolutely no clue of just what the true
meaning of the word “anxiety” meant. It’s like she “broke” something within me
when she tried to get me to tolerate 88s, even though I know she didn’t. Still…
I’m wondering if I can ever be put back to the way I was for the most part from
May to October. Why am I just so destined to suffer so much of the time lately?
Again I ask myself, what the fuck did I do to deserve it? I feel like I have
suffered more in the last year and a half than I have in the last decade. Maybe
more.
It got to where Skype wasn’t enough and I had to actually call Tom.
Hearing his voice helped calm me down. Had someone told me a couple of years
ago that I would be afraid to be alone as an adult I would have laughed my ass
off. I just never would have believed it in a million years unless I was alone
in the flimsy trailer with a million grizzlies trying to break in or something.
What will I be terrified of next? Will I become afraid of the dark?
I skipped my pills today hoping it would take some of the edge off the
anxiety since there’s a chance I could still be having lingering effects of
the increase. I still worry about how I’m going to feel when he leaves the
house in a few hours. I try to remind myself it’s not life-threatening and that
nothing is going to kill me, but it’s still terrifying. Like smoking a joint
and trying to tell yourself not to feel high, or burning yourself with a
cigarette lighter and telling yourself not to feel pain. There’s nothing to be
afraid of, BUT I AM. I am still honestly terrified nonetheless, and I don’t
understand how Tom can believe I’m getting better little by little. Yesterday
sure felt like a setback to me, though he said it was just because it was too
soon for me to be left alone after what happened on the 29th, and he also
believes I’m worried about my adrenal gland test.
We all have our fears, be it heights, spiders, flying, or driving, and some
of these fears we can conquer while some of them we just can’t. But I once
lived without this kind of terrifying anxiety and I would like to think that I
can live that way again, even though things do change with time. Our appetites
go up and so does our weight with age. Our hair turns gray and our vision gets
worse. Well, I guess I have just become a very anxious person and if none of
that is connected to my medication at this point, then there’s either something
else going on or I truly have developed a horrible anxiety disorder that I’m
going to have to struggle with for the rest of my life. I read that while most
anxiety disorders develop young, medical conditions can cause them to develop
later on in life, hypothyroidism being one of them. As I told a friend
recently, I really hope there is no God, for it is sitting back and allowing me
to continue to suffer without doing a damn thing to intervene.
I did have a dream that someone told me there was something wrong with
my bladder. I needed a blood test done for something, and in the dream, they
could produce instant results. I don’t know exactly what was wrong with it, and
while death didn’t seem imminent, it seemed that whatever was wrong was serious
enough. In reality, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with my bladder,
although I do pee more than I’d like. But could there be anything wrong with
any other organ? I don’t think so and I sure hope not! Something’s going to
kill me someday, and I don’t see it in the near future. Not unless the anxiety
becomes too much for me to live with and I just can’t get it to back off. I
still see my PCP and the shrink in about a month, so maybe it’s time to ask for
something a little stronger and a little more permanent instead of something I
take on an as-needed basis. It’s just that I’m afraid of a bad reaction given
my shit luck with medication. Tom doesn’t think I’ll need it by then, so we’ll
see who’s right.
I worry about our vacation too, though I am less likely to feel anxious
when I’m around others and I know they’re not going to be taking off for work
in a few hours.
Bailing out of NaNoWriMo with 15,282 words. I just can’t get into story
writing/reading these days. My interests fluctuate at times. These days it’s
coloring, TV shows and Pinterest. But I did write two stories, one about 8K
words and the other 7K.
I also had a dream that my mother brought me to a shrink, only the one
doing the psych eval was Jenny Seagrove, LOL. I realized I’d forgotten my
glasses and thought it a shame that Jenny had to be all blurry.
In another dream, Tammy was telling me it was 37° at her place yet it
felt like 15°. We’re going to drop into the upper 30s tonight. Really wish I
could be in Maui!
Then I had some dream where I realized that in less than a year we would
be getting a new washer and dryer, and also that we would only live in this
house for another 7-8 years instead of 12.