Once again I’m on the plane and headed home. I can’t wait to see Andy, and I sure miss my music. The only thing that pisses me off is that I’ve got a lousy cold like I knew I’d be getting sooner or later. I just didn’t think I’d get it before going home. I got it the day after my b-day.

Ma gave me lots of clothes and jewelry for Chanukah.

I sang for Dad several times and he says he can definitely picture me on records and tapes someday and he’s got the feeling now stronger than ever that it is my destiny and was meant to be and will happen.

Well, I’m 24 today and I still feel as young and as fit as a really young kid still filled with energy to run around all day and be hyper and obnoxious at times but in a fun way.

I still can breathe so much better here, except it’s still a little rough of course in the mornings and late at night when I’m tired. I feel no loneliness or boredom or anxiety here, but Mom still can be the usual nag she always was.

I was at Ma’s store today helping her out and she gave me a one-piece bathing suit that is pretty, but I’d rather wear a two-piece, so I tan my stomach and don’t look like an Oreo cookie.

Ma’s being a total bitch right now. I could swear she just told Charlotte I looked like a slut on the phone in her bedroom.

Earlier Dad and I fished from the dock and I was able to get a little sun but it’s chilly now.

Dad’s out cooking steaks on the grill.

Today we went to a flea market and I bought a gorgeous bikini that I saw in a catalog for over $40 and it was only $15. It’s almost like a leopard kind of print and it’s a French cut which means it’s high-waisted and makes you look like you’ve got longer legs. It’s cut just perfectly with the perfect fit.

I also got some postcards which I’m gonna write and mail tomorrow and one of those huge elastics with lots of cloth on it. The one I got is blue denim.

And last of all, I got a beautiful necklace. A short thick gold chain with a red shiny glass stone in the front.

Andy called today to say he misses me already and that he’s got the next 5 days off cuz Crosby’s been giving him shit again and he and I are going to the labor board for damn sure. He says he’s so lost and bored without me. I wish he and I could live down here. I told him I could never begin to describe how beautiful it is here and that he’d have to see it for himself, but sure enough, it’s quite chilly today and will be till Wednesday cuz I’m here. Am I cursed or what? Tammy called earlier and was laughing her ass off at me cuz of the weather I have to put up with when I want to lie out in the sun and get a tan and go swimming.

I sang several songs for Dad which he enjoyed and he says he can see me as a singer someday for sure and he also has this feeling I’ll be making big bucks someday and that it was meant to be.

I asked Ma if she thinks I’ll ever have kids and she said she didn’t know.

Well, I am now on flight 777 and to hell with Springfield for one solid week! I had no problems taking off, either. I didn’t get nauseous or dizzy but my ear is blocked. Unfortunately, though, it is extremely cloudy. I cannot see any houses or cars or buildings. The captain just said we’re at 35,000 feet up and most of the flight will be over water. Here up above the clouds, it is very fuzzy but down below me it’s all clouds that kind of look like snow. When I look straight down I can see the exact same spot for ages so it looks like the plane is really moving a lot slower than it actually is.

Andy brought me to the airport. It was very easy at the counter and boarding. It’s just as simple as taking the bus.

I just read a letter he wrote me that he ordered me not to read till after takeoff. It had a lot of our funny lines and sayings in it. I’m gonna miss him, and I know he’s gonna go nuts and be bored out of his mind without me so he’ll probably leave funny messages on my machine.

Later...

We’re still at 35,000 feet. It’s amazing how smooth this flight is. Last time I could barely write.

I just polished my nails which I didn’t get to do cuz I was up since yesterday at 5pm and fell asleep this morning at 7:00. I didn’t get up till 10:50 when Andy called for the third time. Thank fucking God I heard the phone that time.

I’ll probably polish my toenails when I get there and iron this skirt of mine that’s pretty wrinkled. I did all my dishes except for one which I just rinsed out and a few pieces of silverware. I also never changed my bed. I did vacuum, clean the bathroom, bring out my garbage and do most of the important laundry.

Now the question is, what did I forget? Well, if I forgot anything I’ll figure out just what it is when I get to Florida.

The captain says we won’t be arriving in West Palm Beach till around 4pm. Luckily I have a direct flight this time. The captain says it’s 79º, but I still can’t see anything but clouds.

The stewardesses served soda, coffee and peanuts practically right away. Now they’re serving lunch.

The plane’s getting a little bumpy now. We were over Virginia Beach about 10 minutes ago.

I’m so happy. I really need this vacation and I really think this time I’ll enjoy it and my parents. I can’t wait to see them.

I just received lunch a short while ago and it was gross but airplane food sucks anyhow just like hospital food. I just ate a little rice and carrot cake.

At Bradley, before boarding, Andy bought me lunch just like he bought me dinner at Denny’s two nights ago after going to Annie’s, a straight bar where he has friends that constantly come into Denny’s. He also gave me a $20 bill so I wouldn’t have to stop at the ATM. I’m gonna really make all this up to him. He tells me I’m gorgeous a lot cuz I’ve really improved my looks, my hair, my clothes, my figure and he says, “You are so beautiful that I can’t believe you’ve never been with a woman.”

Is that why I never get hit on by them? Andy’s gay friend Nancy says I’m cute but too troubled. Gee, thanks! Guess she’d rather the druggies. I deserve someone so much more than 95% of the people in this world, but I’ll be alone forever, so better to just accept it now rather than freak out about it. People look at my bad points and never my good ones. Or they misunderstand me or exaggerate my bad points.

Andy says that the reason why people are afraid to hit on me is cuz I’m so good-looking that people feel intimidated and threatened by my looks, so they can go for the ugly druggies all they want and live happily ever after.

My mom better not give me any hassles over my bathing suits or makeup or my other clothes. She’s got to realize that styles change and different people prefer different styles and that it’s not the clothes you wear, but the person underneath.

Later...

I arrived at the airport at almost 4:00, and I feel so much better in the lungs and nose. The air here is so much cleaner and already it’s easier to breathe and I know I could sing my best right now but my mother, of course, would have a heart attack. I can’t wait to spend some time alone with Dad.

We went out to eat and I got a hamburger, then we went swimming at the pool that has a whirlpool. Tomorrow I want to go to the other pool with the beach behind it, but as usual, cuz I’m here I think it’s gonna be overcast and chilly. From now on I really ought to come down in April or September.

Later...

Believe it or not, I’m still wide awake, but very relaxed. It’s weird sleeping with Mom and Dad a few feet away watching TV. See what living alone for 4 years does to you? When they go to sleep, I’m sure I’ll sleep fine. I did the last time.

I’m so thrilled at how much better I can breathe. Springfield is so fucking polluted. I mean, really and you don’t realize it till you get down here. I give anything to live here. This island is so beautiful and so peaceful. No drugs. No crime. No troublemakers and typical males. It sure would be hard to meet other gay women in this area but I’d give my fucking life to live here. There’s no way I could, though. Ma would never ever consider it and I could never do it on my own. Of course, not till I get famous, and what about Andy? It’s just so easy to breathe, though. Could have a tan and wear bathing suits and tank tops and shorts year-round. No heavy coats. No gloves. No hats. No boots. I could breathe, but it’ll do me no good to even dream about it. See, I know medication isn’t the answer. I need to be in a beautiful place like this with the beaches. Then I’d never think of a lover. I’d do just fine by myself.

Sure enough, Margaret turned out to be not quite as ugly as Mary or Linda, but she wasn’t too much prettier, either. A definite butch, too. She had nice teeth and ok eyes, but her hair was disgusting.

She was very hyper and nervous, and I feel bad for her cuz she really did mean well. She is very friendly and honest and she just wants to settle down with someone and love them and be loved in return. I think she’d be good for someone and would never hurt them but I’m fucking sick and tired of getting all the ugly ones! Why me, huh?!?! Am I that ugly myself?

I give up. I hate bars, and it just wasn’t meant to be. At age 23, if you’ve never been loved by someone decent and attractive, then it’s never gonna happen. Even if I got someone fairly decent, they’re still always ugly. Does God consider it a sin for me to be touched by someone I’m sexually turned on by? Does He also feel that I should think that looks aren’t everything? They aren’t, but what good is having a decent and compatible lover who’s so ugly?

Well, to change the subject, I’m not going to Gloria’s concert tonight cuz Phil had some financial problems where he needed money for his business.

I want to call Florida where Estefan Enterprises are to see if I can get a tour book.

I can’t wait till I leave this Saturday. I really need a break cuz I’ve been feeling like complete shit both physically and emotionally. Hopefully, this vacation will revive me till I have to come back to my boring life. Since I can’t work, and have nothing to do, especially with Andy working 3rd shift and sleeping in the daytime, and since I can’t be with anyone, I’m going crazy.

Tammy wants me to move down with her and I really think I will cuz I’m losing my energy. I have no motivation to do my music or to do anything really and I won’t even mention my sleeping and eating habits. I need my family now for sure.

The morning before yesterday at around 10:00, I got this call from a girl named Margaret. I was tempted to hang up on her at first, but we ended up talking for over two hours. By now we’ve talked on the phone for a total of 6 hours. She seems very, very friendly and honest, despises drugs and wants to settle down with someone the right way with no lies or cheating and she thinks along the same lines as I do. Everything I want, like, don’t want or don’t like she agrees with.

The only thing that bugs me a little is that her accent is like Mary D and she’s from Westerly, Rhode Island, but that’s minor as long as she’s Miss Right and is attractive, but that’s my biggest fear right there. Is God ever gonna allow me someone attractive, even if they’re right for me? No way!

I mean, she sounds far from ugly and is definitely gonna be many steps prettier than Mary or Linda, but she tells me she’s not feminine and doesn’t wear makeup, earrings or skirts and dresses. There have been some women who were in between butch and feminine that I found attractive but not many.

Well, maybe God will bend the rules this time, but I doubt it. I am gonna be honest with her if she doesn’t turn me on sexually which I think will devastate her from the way she sounds. I mean, inside she seems all I’ve ever wanted, but outside I just know there won’t be any physical attraction.

Oh God, please change the rules and let me be attracted to her! Please!!

She’s gonna be here tomorrow at around 10:00 after a 2-hour drive.

She has a good-paying job and makes good money which I’d never use her for, likes the same kind of activities, loves to cook, says she’ll be behind my music career 100% of the way, wants to get married someday, and possibly a child, weighs 120, is 5’ 6”, but her hairstyle kind of sounds like that of a butch. She says it’s getting long and is going to continue to let it grow, and all of this is great, but I just hope to God I’m as attracted to her as she’ll no doubt be to me.

To finish my story of what happened when I called that number to try to get to know other women, I learned that most of them were just out for sex just like men. Today there is no such thing as love. The thing today is strictly sex. Two people gave me the wrong number, one was supposed to be here last Thursday at 7:30 and never showed up, one left a message on my machine saying she’d call me back but never did, one called to leave a message and never returned my call, some guys called me about threesomes with their wives, and 3 different times while I was in the middle of talking to either boring women or women just wanting sex, the line was disconnected and I know they didn’t hang up. It was more like a case of divine intervention.

At 2:00 this afternoon, I have to meet with Eric (Mr. Attitude) about re-enrolling for next semester which isn’t till next Feb., but better later than never again. I had to drop out cuz of bronchitis at my doctor’s advice and he gave me a note, although for the last 3 days, I’ve been feeling better. My nose and chest had been driving me crazy for so long and still do if I smoke too much or strong cigarettes like Marlboro. My new doctor, Dr. McGovern, is a super nice guy with a great sense of humor and really is trying to help. The only thing, though, is that the antibiotic the ER gave me never worked. Then Dr. McGovern tried two more things that also never worked. One of them made me puke, but as long as I go easy on the ciggies, it is considerably better. I just don’t have what it takes to quit yet, but if I did it would certainly help 100%. I will someday. I still don’t know if I need shots. I doubt it. One thing I do know for sure from when they did the preliminary allergy testing is that I am allergic to cat, dog and horse dander as well as dust, mold and dust mites, but I’ve known that since I was a very young kid.

Later...

I got restless cuz I had run out of ciggies and was dying for one, so finally, at around 4:00, Steve got home from his job at Westover Air Force Base and gave me some. He’s the black guy living across the hall.

I left a message on the school’s machine for Eric to get back to me about rescheduling our appointment cuz by 2:00 I’ll have been up 24 hours and need to sleep.

If Andy doesn’t go to school in February with me, although I really think he wants to go if our classes aren’t scheduled around the same time, then I’ll have to go elsewhere. It’d be nice to get someone who goes to homes cuz here I have my keyboard and all my tapes, but I doubt it. Guitar or piano lessons are one thing but I’m quite sure voice teachers don’t go to people’s homes. Especially the good ones. Also, no matter where else I go, or if someone comes to me, it’ll cost me a fortune. Voice lessons just aren’t cheap, but what is?

Andy should be home in the next half-hour. Then I can tell him I’m going to Florida from December 2nd to the 9th, and also that Philip and his new girlfriend Maria, are taking me to see Gloria on Nov. 29th at the Hartford Civic Center. That’s my Hanukkah gift, and a leather mini skirt is supposed to be my b-day gift. He says he’s gonna take some pictures of me since I have no recent ones of me and that I’ve never looked better in my life. I’m a perfect 10 from head to toe except for my being slightly bow-legged, my crooked teeth and a few zits. I break out before my period.

I leave on December 2nd at 1pm on flight 777. Philip’s gonna take me to the airport. When I return on December 9th on flight 570 at 9:25, Marty and Ruth are gonna pick me up. Phil’s gonna call the airport in advance to make sure the plane didn’t get canceled like the last time.

I’m looking forward to having a good time with my parents and I really think I will this time. We’ve had a lot of talks and have gotten along much better for a while now. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that Mom, Dad, and Tammy really see that I can sing and the talents I have achieved instrumentally, too. I sang for my sister on the phone and she was shocked. It was the first time since Thanksgiving of last year that she heard me. She’s been so supportive of it and really wants me to move down still and be with her, and she wants to help me with my singing and to find someone and it’s not a bribe. She really means it or else she’d be the last person to suggest it or get involved in any way.

Well, once again I seem to have been severely punished by God or something, but I knew it would happen, I asked for it and I’ve paid the consequences. It all comes down to trying to find love and romance again. And for once I’m not the least bit upset by what I’m about to write about cuz like I said, I expected it all the while knowing damn well that you cannot fight God and what’s in the cards for you. I’ve known since the day I was born that my sole destiny in life was to be a singer. Not everyone can have their cake and eat it, too. Some things are meant to be for some people and some things aren’t. Besides, you can’t mix love with the music business as demanding as it is. Especially with the fact that most people are jealous of musically talented people, and they feel like you’re superior to them, so they feel threatened by you and they run. Also, people are scared of people who are attractive cuz they fear they’ll lose you to other people.

What happened was that I called this number in which you leave a message about yourself for other gay women. You can also leave messages to men or a man can leave a message to either another man or a woman. I was supposed to meet this girl named Amy tonight here at 7:30, but she never showed up, then at around 9:00, I went to return a phone call to someone named Cathy and the number was out of service, so I know for sure what God’s been trying to tell me. To either be alone or be with a man.

So much has happened since I last wrote. Well, first of all, I’m just starting to recover from what was a massive flu that turned into bronchitis. For 4 days I felt like I was literally going to die, so Steve brought me to the ER where I was given a breathing treatment and put on an antibiotic and was told the next time I ever get a cold or the flu to get into the ER right away cuz I have asthma and allergies and they complicate each other and the flu gets worse along with my breathing, although I’m starting to feel much better now, I’m still pretty stuffed in the nose and ear.

Andy and I have been getting along pretty well and he says people at work are dropping hints that Bill Crosby’s on his way out the door. I want the job back and Andy feels there’d be a good chance, but I doubt it with Demeter.

Today I have music theory. Tomorrow I have court, and at 7pm, if I’m not as stuffed up, I’ll be auditioning for a band which I’ll write more about later. Friday, I have therapy. My therapist, Martha, is super nice and very pretty in some ways. She’s kind of quiet though, unlike Trisha.

A few things have happened since I last wrote. First of all, I didn’t speak to Andy for a few days and he admitted to being a jerk at times and that he’s had other friendships that he’s lost, but he says he still knows his future lies with me. I know I sure couldn’t live without him, and like he says, God connected us for sure. We have so much in common besides the music business. Right now we’re on the phone calling all the people on the list we made last April with the funny names.

I had quite a hectic day. I went to Food Mart and waited an hour for a taxi which never came, so finally, after waiting for ages for Andy, who’s such a wonderfully considerate friend, he came in a rental car with Nancy, a gay friend of his I never met before. I finally got home, then a few minutes ago I called to thank him and he screams, “Fine! Forget it!” in a really snotty tone.

I am really sick and tired of his shit and his expecting me to be in a perfect mood 24 hours a day and never say anything depressing or negative. This is why I don’t associate with or meet people. I’m tired of kissing ass to the good, decent, stable people and having to watch everything I do or say. I am who I am and if people don’t like it and I’m not good enough for them, then they’re not good enough for me and I’m not gonna just settle for the mental cases and desperados.

Otherwise after getting home and everything over with I was feeling pretty good and Jai cooked us hamburgers, green beans and chicken noodles for dinner.

This morning I woke up feeling somewhat like I was developing a cold, but I think it was just the usual stuffiness I wake up with due to smoking and allergies, and I still haven’t been eating well.

Tomorrow I’m going grocery shopping which I hate. I’d definitely rather clean and do laundry.

I start music school tomorrow! Tomorrow’s my theory class from 3:30-4:30, then Wednesday’s my piano class from 11:30-noon, and voice is from noon-12:30. I’m really psyched, but my breathing’s really pissing me off. I got a scholarship, but cuz they only have so much scholarship money to go around, I put off the guitar for a while.

Jessie did convince me, however, to check out HCC. I know I didn’t give it much of a chance, but that’s cuz I didn’t want to have to take all the other stuff that’s required with it and was terrified of all the paperwork, but she says it’s a cinch and that the extra stuff is easy as hell.

Also, we were discussing the possibility of us moving to Easthampton where there’s no waiting list for subsidy and that’s not a housing project-type building like Carabetta. It allows you to choose wherever you want to live as long as the landlord accepts it, and you can have up to 5 bedrooms even though it’d be just me, her and Wyatt, who’s now 16 months. She is the only other one I could live with besides Andy and even though Andy and I have more in common than me and Jessie, me and Jessie don’t have this tension between us like Andy and I do. Well, I’m not gonna do anything unless I’m 100% sure of it, and if I do it won’t be for a while.

The other night me and Jessie went out to Chinese food and I teased the shit out of her over her $300 phone bill which got disconnected. Her adoptive father is Big Bird of Sesame Street. You’d think he’d want to help her out more often. Anyway, she said she’ll call me from a payphone or school or her mom’s house.

Dad was all psyched about school and I think he realizes now that it’s important to me to do only what I love and he definitely feels I’ve got what it takes.

They’re supposed to be sending me some clothes by UPS.

Later...

Well, they screwed up my schedule at school so I missed my fucking piano and voice class today thinking I had theory class instead and I spoke to both my piano and voice teacher and they sounded super nice and said there’d be no problem making it up.

I haven’t heard from Jessie yet today and there’s no answer at Andy’s. He’s probably asleep and I don’t wanna call him if he’s up watching All My Children, his favorite soap, and interrupt him.

Seeing that last night was a Friday night, I was hoping that Linda and Nissan and company would call, but they never did and they probably won’t again. I really wish they’d call, though, and I never should’ve let Linda see the recording device cuz that may scare her from calling. I’m just so curious to hear what they could have to say next.

Hank from over on Oswego St. called last night and today, but I didn’t feel like talking to the drunk. I wonder how long it’s gonna take him to wake up and get the hint without me having to break his face.

The night before last, I got a phone call about Nissan. I talked to two women. I know the first one I spoke with was definitely Linda, asking about Jessie, Andy and Tony. Whoever the hell Tony is beats me, unless she’s talking about Tony the cop. The second person I spoke to knew Nissan for sure and mentioned some of the shit that happened with us, saying she’s out to get me and that she’s talking about me to everyone, and that she investigated me and knows I’m a pain in the ass and that I’ve been arrested, in institutions and so on. She says that Nissan’s been having a hell of a field day at my expense as if that hurts to know. Then, she said she wanted to meet me and that she understood my fears and concerns, after asking me a million questions and saying she didn’t know Julie and only knew Nissan vaguely, and that she was just a passenger at the time when she heard me go off and then apologize, saying I didn’t take my meds, which I don’t remember at all. Then she said that she thinks Nissan’s an asshole and she wants to meet me cuz she’s also a victim of society, foster homes and assholes, then she’d swing back to the Nissan’s-gonna-get-you routine.

She sounded very butchy and I sure as hell don’t trust her and I think she’s pretty pissed about my not wanting to meet her. I wonder what Linda’s explanation about all this will be. She was definitely the first voice I heard, but I never heard that girl with the younger higher voice before in my life.

I know this was tied in with Nissan, but now I know Linda’s involved, too. I wonder if Linda knows Nissan. And how do they know about my record? Did I mention it to Linda? Maybe she is a cop now or cop-connected. I don’t know if I can trust her now. Is this for not being interested in her after she told me she thought I’d make her a good wife before I moved back here?

I taped the whole thing, but couldn’t tape the first one I got several weeks ago cuz I didn’t have this recording device before.

I am still wide awake after going to the Pub last night with Andy, then over to his place to see an old special of Charlie’s Angels. Kate Jackson was just as gorgeous as I remembered her to be except all their clothes were hideous as they were back in the 70s with those hideous bell-bottom jeans.

God and our grandparents sure were with us once again last night when a drunk driver came flying out of nowhere through a stop sign as we were cutting through side streets from Belmont Avenue to Sumner Avenue and we just missed hitting this car by only inches. We would’ve been dead for sure and Andy had kept saying he had this feeling all night that we’d have a close call with death. This is why I’m terrified to drive. If it had been me driving, and I did drive part of the way, I’d have panicked and not hit the brakes in time. There are so many crazy drivers out there, especially at 2am when the bars close. He’s an excellent driver. I’m not able to be as alert as he is and most people are and observe everything around me besides just straight ahead. He always wears his seatbelt, but that time he didn’t and after that close call we both buckled up. We just weren’t meant to die, I guess. We both know for sure why we’re alive.

I asked Andy why I’m not ugly or butchy looking since I’ve been ordered to be celibate by God and he says it’s for my career. He’s probably right. When I said God forbids me to have sex with an attractive woman and that it can only be ugly dykes or men, he said I could have sex with a good-looking woman, but that I couldn’t have a relationship cuz of my chemical imbalance and I agree for sure.

We went to the Springfield Denny’s for breakfast then did some errands, got my refill on Navane and am gonna go to go bed cuz he’s gonna be here at 6:00 to do his laundry.

I was very depressed earlier, but a half-hour or so after I took my meds, my mood cheered up and became more positive.

Andy came over at 1:30, and by 2:00 he was passed out on my couch and still is. Guess he’s been exhausted and I am too, but can’t sleep yet.

I am going back to CC, so it looks like. Both Osborne and HDMHC recommended I go there cuz they have more to offer, but I hope CC doesn’t pull this daycare shit on me. I just want weekly therapy with a decent female therapist and a decent shrink like Moshiri.

I really hope I’m in school at least 3 days a week and that that won’t interfere with CC or my allergy shots or anything else I ever need to do. I don’t think the school opens, though, till mid or late afternoon which is great, but I hope if I get in that I won’t be leaving at night. If I do, I hope I can get a ride from someone and give them gas money.

Tomorrow I’ve got to call Fernandez to let him know I’ve decided to have the blood testing which is safer than the other kind they do, and once again discuss Medicare with them who says they cover 80% of the $450 it’ll cost, so I’ll only have to pay $90. Mom’s gonna be sending a check for $100.

Part of me still wishes I was working at Denny’s for the extra money, but doing what I love to do and having therapy and shots are more important right now. The job had a lot of hassles and stress that were both worth it and not worth it.

I am speaking on the phone right now with Nervous. Andy and I were talking earlier, but he’s not home now. He mentioned going to pick up Roger at work, who is a major druggie, but he and Andy have known each other for a while cuz they worked together the last time Andy worked at Denny’s.

Linda popped over earlier just as I was getting out of the shower. She had handcuffs with her and says she’s going to train to be a cop which she’d definitely be good at, and I joked with her about arresting me for prank calls.

I am one bored motherfucker since I’m not working, and even though I was wrongly fired, I still feel like a complete failure and a useless piece of shit, and I wonder where my life is leading to?

I’d better fucking get into music school!

Well, last night I was very cruelly and very wrongfully fired by Crosby and even Andy’s pissed at him for what Crosby did to us before, and wants me to tell Demeter the facts or go to the Labor Board if that doesn’t work, but I’m not gonna even bother. They’re not worth the bother and I’d rather try getting into that music school I forgot to mention. Hopefully, I can get in on some kind of grant or scholarship.

It’s at the Springfield Community School of Music which is great so I won’t have to take math or English or any other general bullshit which is required at Holyoke Community College. Hopefully, I can major in voice and take piano and guitar, too. I don’t know how it works there but I’m going there on Sept. 5th for enrollment. If I get the financial aid I sure as hell hope they don’t fuck me up like they did at La Baron. But if I get in, I’ll be doing what I love to do rather than hair and nails which I only care to do for friends, family and myself. I only hope they don’t try to say they can’t accept me cuz of my allergies and asthma.

Speaking of that, Fernandez gave me another antibiotic called Amoxicillin which is helping quite well with no bad side effects. Also, I must have shots for 2-3 years but it’s worth it to end this misery so I can be healthy and sing well. Of course, I still wish I could quit smoking and know it’d help tremendously but I’m not gonna quit for a while if ever. I guess I’ll just have to die 20 years younger with cancer or emphysema or a heart attack cuz I like to smoke and I need to smoke for now.

Right now I’m listening to a tape of me talking to Nervous. Yesterday I had Nervous buy me 6 90-minute tapes for phone call recording, and once they’re all completed, me and Andy are gonna edit them, taking only the best parts.

Gloria’s birthday is coming up sometime next week but I’m not sure of the exact date. I forgot. She’ll be 32, though.

I had a really fun evening and the only thing in the way was my usual allergies and just feeling slightly drained from not eating too well lately due to feeling so miserable. Tomorrow I’m going to see Fernandez and we’ll see if I get anywhere with him.

Before Fernandez, Andy’s gonna take me to Saratoga Drug to get my $67 in food stamps and then bring me to the doctor. After that, I’ll go straight to Food Fart.

I’ve got to call and tell SS right away, which I keep forgetting now that I’m working.

Tomorrow Nervous is gonna make a $90 deposit which I’ll have around $653 in the bank and soon my $502.39 and more tips and paychecks.

Speaking about my fun evening, well, Nervous brought me a phone recorder from Radio Shack where you can record phone calls. There’s a little suction cup you place on the headset of the phone with a small black cord and the other end of it goes into the mike jack on a tape recorder. It wouldn’t work on my box cuz the jack was too big. This one is 1/8” so I had to get back from Nervous the tape recorder I gave him a couple of years ago. Hopefully, he’ll get himself a new box soon so he can play all his tapes. I’ve really gotten him into music. He’s hooked on Joan Baez and I’m making him more tapes of Gloria and the Judds music.

So, anyway, we recorded some crosses we made with these two confused black chicks and a few other people. Me, Andy and Nervous were all over here and Fran was at his place. It was funny as all hell cuz these people thought the lines were really crossed!

Notes that Andy and Nervous wrote and that only I could understand:

Listen, I don’t mean to sound like Chin Fatt Kong but I hope you won’t kill me for writing in your book. I just wanted to write and say I love you! You know I really, really do! Love, Andy

To Jodi - You, my very talented young friend, will make it big in the music business some day maybe even sooner than you think. Love You, Kevin

So much has happened since I last wrote which was quite a while ago. Sometimes I can’t get in the mood to write. Starting with when we took Nervous to the beach which was the last time we were there, which was hilarious as all hell. Well, after we left Ho Jo’s we told him to wait outside so we wouldn’t be caught with him and have to pay extra, we took off without him and then when we finally came back to get him, he was in a pickup truck with this guy Andy thought was a hunk, and was about to get a ride to the beach. So then later on after we left the beach, in which Tammy was in her usual pissy mood and Lisa looked really upset (Becky’s too young to catch on yet), we dumped him several times and made him walk up the street where we’d drive up to. We stopped at a pizza place, and then afterward, did the same thing. The guy is a major sucker! You should see the way he stared at my body the night before in the hotel. All I wore was a thin see-through half-shirt and underpants.

Work was hectic last night but I made $60. Today pervert Nervous is making a $122.75 deposit and also getting me wrappers for quarters, nickels and dimes. This week’s paycheck will be bigger cuz of my raise and next week’s will be even bigger cuz it’s for 4 days.

I met another referral from the service named Eunice, which of course was a major turn-off. She was pitifully ugly and seemed very stuck up. The guy she brought with her, who was also gay, was better looking than she was. We all went to a fair and she basically ignored me the whole time. She was rude and butchy looking, but that’s typical of what God sends my way. I was far from upset by it, though, cuz I knew it was coming.

My allergies still drive me nuts and probably will continue to for a year or so cuz that’s how long it’ll take to get rid of the dander. Eggs and cheese I am definitely allergic to for damn sure.

Otherwise, things have been ok. Had a couple of lousy days, but life’s never perfect and I’m only human. I had a good talk with this new guy, Dick, on 2nd shift, then with Tom on the graveyard shift at PCS (Psychiatric Crisis Services).

I am trying to get into Hamden District Mental Health Center here on Pine St., but I’m still waiting to hear from them for an intake. CC is out of the question. They despise me and will never return any of my phone calls and just to get even and say “fuck off” they sent me a bill I don’t even owe.

Thursday at 2:15, I’ve got to see Fernandez again for x-rays and to figure out what to do about my infection. The antibiotic (Augmentin) he gave me was too strong and I got wicked bad dry heaves.

Believe it or not, we’re on our way back from the beach and we took Nervous which we’ll never do again. It was more fun to rank on him over the phone and ring up his bill. We were gonna dump him off but after a half-hour or so we went back and got him. He didn’t misbehave all that badly, he was just a little hyper of course. He sure as hell was our slave and it was so funny. The guy’s a major sucker.

Andy says, “I wish I had a sucker like him to use and rank on.”

We have so much fun antagonizing him.

As far as a sunny day at the beach - ha! It’s raining and cloudy.

Life has really changed for me since the last time I wrote. Well, I finally decided to see Mario Fernandez, an allergist, and end this misery once and for all. Fernandez showed me an article saying that skin puncturing is not accurate for sure, and that it is not impossible to test for cat dander like Walker had said, and that testing by blood was better. But it costs $425 and my insurance won’t cover it, but I knew that in order to get a good doctor, I’d have to pay, rather than see a quack who accepts Medicaid. Medicare pays for the shots, but not the blood testing. I think I can avoid shots in the end. The doctor said I have 4 choices. The first one is to take Seldane and not have Sasha, and of course, he wants me to quit smoking. If that doesn’t work, the second step is shots, the third is freezing my nose to bring down the swelling, and the fourth is straightening my nose cuz it’s slightly crooked.

Yesterday his nurse called me and said that when he took my cultures from my nose they found an infection so yesterday I started both the Seldane and an antibiotic and already I feel a difference! I think I’m gonna be able to avoid the last 3 steps. I’m gonna be singing real soon like never before and Ma feels I can do without shots, too.

When I told Andy he said, “I wonder how long this infection’s been going on?”

A long, long time, and cuz I put off dealing with it, it spread throughout my whole body for many, many months.

The beach went sucky. I was nothing but a bitch to Andy and did nothing but complain and be negative. I don’t think we’re gonna be friends much longer, and this is what I mean by how I lose decent people. I’m really only good right now for other mental cases that do nothing but complain and talk negatively.

I thought I had learned to keep my problems to myself and my fears inside so I don’t burden anyone or bring anyone down with me, but then I had to fuck it all up at the beach. I’ve learned that no one can cheer a person up and that that person has to cheer themselves up only. I’ve also learned that talking about your problems only depresses people and brings them down with you and it’s gonna be very embarrassing to have to face Andy on Sunday night the next time I work. I don’t want to quit the job, though, and of course, I don’t want to end our friendship, but I feel it’s best to cuz it’s only gonna end someday by him. I haven’t spoken to him since Thursday night and I’m really proud that I haven’t called him. Makes me feel stronger. Talking to him is gonna do absolutely no good and if I want this friendship to continue I’m gonna basically have to kiss his ass and be in a good mood all the time and always talk positively all the time.

Well, I just had the grandest time calling people and billing the calls to Nervous, since the asshole won’t answer his phone. He’s got it unplugged for sure. What took him so long to pick up the hint of what we were up to? He probably won’t plug it in till tomorrow, or this morning, I should say, at around 7:00 when he goes to call his mommy.

I made a call to Fran, but as usual, he wasn’t there. He’s probably at Bobbie’s. I also called Ann and Harry B, my foster parents from when I was 16 but gave them the silent treatment. They were great foster parents. It’s just that they’ve ignored me ever since I left them. Makes me feel a bit slighted.

I’ve tried several times to wake up Andy, but it ain’t doing any damn good so I guess I’ll try to sleep myself for a few hours. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it beach time, but since I can’t, I better sleep or else I’ll be dead tired.

Later...

Can you believe this fucking shit! I still can’t sleep. I haven’t been sleeping much lately. Either I sleep too much or hardly at all. I’m on such a screwy schedule. I gotta start eating and sleeping right and why the fuck did I ever have to start smoking again after 3 fucking days of quitting! I’m so pissed! I’m so short of breath and all stuffed up and my singing sucks, and I still don’t know for sure if it’s mostly smoking and maybe also allergies too, or what. This definitely is not caused by Sasha and I want her back! It’s a curse from God! I’m so fucking wound up and one pissed-off motherfucker!!!

After work this morning Andy fell asleep till almost 1:00 so we didn’t arrive here till almost 2:30. I was exhausted, so shortly after we got here I fell asleep. I only slept 2 or 3 hours though.

I called Tammy who I’m gonna see tomorrow along with Lisa and Becky. She’s gonna make me that big gold chain.

We called Nervous and kept the sucker on the line for ages. He’s not answering now so he probably got smart and unplugged his phone.

We went to this really fancy restaurant and the bill came to $40. Theresa T was working there. We knew her when we were kids at the beach. Her mom died. Both her parents are gone now and she’s only 21. She looks just as pretty as she did as a little girl.

Andy’s sleeping now. I just finished listening to music and we’re supposed to go to the beach and climb our rocks, but I don’t know whether to let him sleep or wake him up. I’ll give him a little more time. He’s no doubt exhausted even though he slept this morning. We both didn’t get enough hours of sleep. It ain’t easy working the graveyard while trying to remain active in the daytime. I guess I’ll lay down myself for a little while, and I hope Nervous answers his phone later, the little sucker!

This room we’re in is so small. I like Ho Jo’s much better and so does Andy.

Work was a bitch last night cuz fucking Guy and Rob just don’t know what the fuck they’re doing as cooks. They had 10,000 orders and some people waited for a half-hour for their food. I wish there were more cooks like Jayke.

Jayke and I definitely have to get together sometime soon.

This woman cop who came in last night was so nice and so attractive.

I tried my best to go to sleep and I can’t. Probably cuz I slept so much the last two days and I’m very hyped up.

I got my shopping done and Jessie’s coming over later. Tomorrow, after another fun night at Denny’s, Andy and I are going to the beach. I hope to hell I get more color. It’s already August.

I slept for almost 16 hours as I was exhausted and just spoke to Andy at work.

I really ought to study my Spanish. I could be great in only a few more months of study.

Jessie and I were gonna go shopping today, but her sister Melissa borrowed her car and never brought it back so we’re gonna try to go tomorrow.

It’s now 5:00, and I’ve had only 5 cigarettes since 8:00 which is excellent, but I really shouldn’t be smoking at all. Nervous is on his way over with a pack of smokes nonetheless. After he leaves I’m gonna go listen to music and just wait for Andy to call me back.

We just had an awesome time at the beach. Andy said for me and Juliet, who also writes in a journal, to say hi to this book. So, as I started to say, we went to the beach at 9:00 and saw Tammy and Bill, but Becky and Lisa were asleep. Tammy needs to borrow a couple of hundred dollars. If I do lend it to her, I hope she can return it as soon as possible. I’m not rich yet. I still want to buy a guitar and a VCR, too.

It was pitch dark, and me, Andy and Juliet sat on the flat rocks and our rocks and the breeze was just beautiful, then it started to thunder and lightning and it lit up the whole ocean so you could see Long Island Sound. The most awesome thing about it all was that I sang one song after another, and I did great.

Later...

Another great day today and some great color I got, too! I saw my nieces and Tammy, who’s mailing me a thick 25” gold chain which costs $100 that she sold me for $50.

Last night, after I wrote, we called Nervous and just kept him hanging on the line forever. There were 3 different calls we made which will be for almost two hours total. Me and Andy would tell him to hang on and that we’d be right back, then we’d leave him hanging for 5-10 minutes. It was hilarious. I listened to about 7 songs on the box while he waited.

Is that a sucker or is that a sucker?

Later...

I called Fran who got in touch with me a few days ago and gave me his new number, and this woman named Bobbie whom he’s friends with. Bobbie and I talked for quite a while. She’s bi and has been married 4 times, and has basically given up on men. She says she’s been with 4 women, and just like the typical pattern of what’s in the cards for me, she wants to meet me. I mean, I can tell just by just talking to her that she’s typical of what I get. She’s on SSI cuz she’s afraid to leave her house. She can’t take the bus by herself. She’s on medication for nerves and just doesn’t sound too stable. Now is that typical of what I get, or what? Plus, she’s 48 years old and my height! Can’t I get someone taller and more stable? She says she’s feminine, hates butches too, and also can’t understand why women who hate men want to look like them. She’s Lebanese, feminine, has eyes like Gloria’s, wears makeup, skirts, and high heels, but has very, very short hair. I hate short hair, but she says she looks good in it cuz she has a small face. There have been some shorthaired women who were attractive, but overall I prefer long hair. I’ll meet her and possibly be her friend, but that’s as far as it’s gonna go. Plus, she’s probably not as feminine as she says she is.

This is the day I was admitted to the Brattleboro Retreat in 1981. It’s been 8 years since that rather traumatic day. It still seems my past is something so embarrassing and humiliating that I’ll always have to live with and run around trying to cover up and hide from everyone all my life. On the other hand, I’ve become very proud of my background cuz I’ve come such a long way and have developed so many different skills and talents. Not too many people make it out on their own for 4 years after going through what I’ve gone through and being where I’ve been. Brattleboro and Valleyhead were like Alcatraz. You go there and you either come out dead or alive and if you’re alive, you’d better hope you’re sane!

Later...

Well, I just finished playing the piano, and believe it or not, I could play Can’t Stay Away from You, but my timing was way off, as usual. As far as the Canciones de mi Padre book, I got absolutely nowhere. I tried Por un Amor and La Ciggarra only to fuck up left and right. I did start composing Rooms on Fire, but first I want Andy to write me the lyrics. As far as sheet music is concerned, well, it’s much easier if I just compose and write the music myself on piano staff paper by ear. Obviously, this is why God and Nana and Pa gave me the gift of perfect pitch, so I’ll use it. As far as other songs I need to compose, well, there’s My Time Has Come, Carry Me Away and the last two songs I recently wrote which are On and On and Dreaming and Believing.

When I was jamming with Jeanie in #15, she played and sang me a song she wrote, and it was beautiful. She says she’ll give me a demo of it so I can sing it and play it on la guitarra.

I still need to learn the rest of Gloria’s tape and the Judds, too. Cuts Both Ways and River of Time.

I was teasing Nerve earlier over the phone. Andy was so right when he said, “What a sucker to take all that abuse and let you use him.”

Well, he’s got nothing better to do as desperate as he is and males are only good to use, but he’s always paid back.

I polished my nails white earlier and I need to put on the second coat.

Later...

Yes, as usual, I am still wide awake. I’m all hyped up about being here with Andy and Juliet. We’re staying at the Suisse Chalet. I still like Howard Johnson’s better with their indoor pool which is always fairly empty, free local phone calls and their restaurant. And here, in order to get to the vending machines, you’ve got to go outside. Ain’t that weird? What about in the winter? And what do the housekeepers do in the winter? There’s no door to a hallway, only outside. They have a huge outdoor pool here which Andy and I went in and it felt great. The ride down here was unbearably hot.

After we swam Andy and Juliet decided to go to the beach, but I just wanted to hang back. Especially after being up since 8:00 last night.

We’re gonna go eat dinner and all go to the beach later. I want to see Tammy and the kids. I already made the first call to Nervous. I’m just listening to Gloria’s new tape, but God knows I’ll sleep like a rock tonight. I’m just too hyped up right now.

I’ve been busting my ass since work last night. I made almost $60 last night. We worked till 7:00, but we thought we only had to work till the usual 6:00.

I haven’t gone to bed yet. I watched an interview with Gloria’s on Good Morning America and her hair looked awful. I wish she’d leave her hair black rather than lighten it the way she does.

So, I also cleaned up around here and am doing some laundry which is now in the dryer. Can’t wait to have to carry it up here. All 60 stairs!

Tomorrow Andy’s gonna stop at Saratoga Drug so I can get my food stamps on the way to the beach. We’re going with Juliet, a good friend of Andy’s that he went to school with. I met her last fall when we all went to the Frontier. Juliet broke up with her boyfriend and is now looking to date women. I like her a lot and she’s somewhat pretty, but she needs to style her hair a bit, wear makeup and nicer clothes. Her clothes are so dark and dreary. She just wears jeans or corduroys and sweatshirts. Andy says she never shaves and very seldom showers. How gross. Not everyone’s into cleanliness, I guess.

Later I’m gonna have Nervous pick me up another journal and some coffee cuz I’m not going grocery shopping until Saturday. At least the laundry will be done, though, and my geek uniform.

I’m gonna call Janet at the dating service to see what’s going on.

Next time I make a deposit at the bank, I’m gonna get stamps if they still sell them. Shopper’s sells them. I haven’t been in there in a long time. Next time I get a prescription I’ll have to visit Monte and everyone.

I’m borrowing Steve’s guitar and it is awesome! Everything is so easy to play on this thing, including bar chords. It’s a $400 guitar. I’m gonna buy myself one for sure, and a VCR, too!

I hope my clothes are all dry. They should be. I’ll get them in 20 minutes, shower, then go to bed.

Later...

I fell asleep shortly after noon and got up at 8:00 to watch Unsolved Mysteries.

Right now I’m a little bored so I’m gonna learn the song Rooms On Fire by Stevie Nicks and try to compose it for Andy. He gave me the cassette single. It’s a time-consuming bitch, but I am in the mood with really nothing better to do so I’m gonna go take advantage of it.

Well, I have been basically in a fairly good mood for the last 3 days, since I’ve been taking my meds every other day. I’d rather have a few twitches here and there than be a spastic bundle of nerves.

Last night I had a great time at work and made $44 without stealing.

The funniest thing happened to Andy and me tonight. We both got laid. But of course, I couldn’t help but get the opposite sex with my shit luck. It was with Mark.

Andy got this guy he knew from the last time he worked at Denny’s who’s married with kids but in the closet. He had this guy two years ago, too.

And with me, of course I can’t get a woman and always have to settle for a guy or second best. Me and Mark screwed around. All he did was lick me off cuz he was so huge that there was no way I could take him inside, and also no way I was gonna put my mouth on that thing. He never came, though. That was good too, so there’d be no white sticky shit all over.

I called the dating service with the intention of bitching them out, getting a refund, or taking them to court, but this sexy woman with an English accent came right out and bluntly told me Pam, the bitch who interviewed me, was fired for deliberately mismatching people with the opposite of what they wanted. I didn’t know she did this.

Anyway, I had a pleasant talk with the woman, whose name is Janet, and on behalf of Pam fucking things up, they’re gonna send 3 more people free of charge. I’m still hesitant, and my belief still remains the same; that it wasn’t meant to be and that God wants me to have sex with only unattractive people, but if I get just a friend out of this, then fine, even if it’s a lot to pay for a friend.

Well, here we are on our way to the beach, but it is fucking pouring now. It was coming down so hard we could barely see.

Andy said to tell this book that we are now passing through Fartford.

It is still pouring.

Work was excellent last night and a lot of fun, although last night it was one hell of a fucking bitch and I was threatening to quit. It’s better than being home miserable all the time, though, and the money is great which I desperately need. Last night I made good money considering the fact that it was deader than dead. Made $63, but stole one check, so it would’ve been about $45 or so, but that’s still quite decent. I had the most customers. I like sections 4-5 the best cuz it has the least and the easiest side work. Everyone hates section 3 with the salad bar. Andy and I are usually on alone from 4-6 cuz Bonnie and Suzanne are married with kids so they leave at 4:00. I haven’t seen Patty in a while. I think she’s on vacation. Robin might have quit, but I hear Libby definitely quit. She couldn’t handle it. God! I thought I was a wimp!

We got this new cook named Guy who’s pretty nice, so with him, Roger, Scott and Glen it’s a pretty damn good crew. Everyone has a great sense of humor, although Jayke sure can be a hell of a bitch, but she is damn good as a cook. She can get 10 orders up quicker than you can blink an eye. When she’s not cooking, though, or everything’s going her way, she’s a lot of fun and super nice.

Sometimes I’ll write about our regular customers but now I’ve got to go listen to music, finish my coffee, then go to bed.

Our stay at the hotel was fun and the funniest thing happened. Well, Andy and I couldn’t sleep so, assuming that a call outside the hotel would cost us, we harassed people in other rooms at the hotel and got caught. The phone rang and it was the guy at the front desk. We pretended we were sleeping and he apologized saying there must be some mistake.

Then before we left, we wrote this wacky, senseless letter to Cheryl, the housekeeper, mixing lyrics and whatever else came to mind.

Sure enough, though, as we were checking out, we found out there was no charge on local calls, after all. We could’ve harassed the whole town of Old Lyme.

So, the next day at the beach, we met up with Betty Ann L and her mother. I remember them from when I was a kid. They don’t go to the beach regularly anymore. We also found out that Betty Ann, who’s beautiful, had a younger sister who died of a drug overdose at age 21.