A site that had one of his email addresses and a certain password connected to it was breached so we went and changed any account associated with that password regardless of the email connected to it.

Yesterday I had a sore throat for several hours but whatever it was is gone now.

Went back to Duolingo and started dabbling in their Indonesian course. I only took a couple of lessons so far, but it seems fairly straightforward enough. They sure make their plurals easy by simply repeating the word.

After I drank some wine yesterday, I started to feel a touch anxious even though it was short-lived and began to wonder if maybe there was a connection after all. I did read that one of the things that can cause anxiety is alcohol along with caffeine and other things. I’ll be sure to drink closer to bedtime when I do.

I’m both surprised and appalled by Florida lifting all their restrictions simply because they ran out of patience waiting for a vaccine. So you get tired of having to wear masks, stay home, social distance and then you say, WTF? I give up. Then go about life as if all is wonderful and normal? Well, we’re not quite there yet so when their death count rises, hopefully they’ll go back to using their brains and wait for a vaccine. Hopefully, there are some people smart enough not to give up wearing masks no matter what restrictions may be lifted.

Had some fun dreams for a change but I don’t remember much of them. Just having a couple of rats living loose in the house that ran up to me eager for attention when I got home one evening from wherever. I picked up a tan-colored one and cuddled and kissed it before going to feed them.

Been having an interesting day full of adventures. We went out walking at the crack of dawn and then I threw a swai fillet in the oven as we set out to change the pig’s cage while it cooked.

However, things took longer than planned since he went out to find maggots all over the garbage bin for the second time.

“Ugh, I’m a fucking idiot at times!” I told him, LOL. I forgot to spray the bin like I do every week.

So he had to stop and take care of that.

I was trimming Rockefeller’s nails when I noticed a wet spot at the base of the dishwasher. My first thought was that the dishwasher was leaking but I hadn’t done dishes in a couple of days. That’s when it hit me that it was the sink. So I opened the cabinet under the sink and found the pipe had detached from a joint.

Referring to the guy who came to fix our clogged drain I said, “Damn that dumb cock for not tightening the drain!”

“No, it was me,” Tom said.

So his idiot wife has been busting his ass all morning about him being that “dumb cock.” LOL, he should have been checking the pipe more often and I should have sprayed. He may get a rubber gasket to seal it with if he doesn’t just place a block of some kind beneath it. A rubber gasket would probably work well. That’s what seals the door of our front loader.

Then, it was a damn good thing we decided to run out to Rite Aid after dealing with the maggots and leak because after being distracted by those things, he saw that he forgot he had the water running in front. Water was running down the street, and had we not gone out, the water would have probably ended up damn near wrapping around the circle until someone knocked on the door to alert us to it.

Got a couple of single-serve bottles of Merlot by Barefoot and a case of Sutter Home’s white zinfandel and rosé, each with four small bottles. Haven’t tried Sutter’s version of rosé yet.

I was surprised when someone said they were envious that I can enjoy wine freely because one glass puts them in a bad mood or makes them sleepy and wake up groggy. It doesn’t put me in a bad mood or cause me to wake up groggy, but it does sometimes make me sleepy. I would definitely never drink a glass of wine before I knew I was going to work out, go out anywhere, or tackle household chores.

I totally see what Fitbit means when they suggest mixing things up and having more calories than usual once a week since the body gets used to having the same amount. I thought I was having between 1500-2000 cals a day before I started tracking, and maybe I was when I was going into menopause because a woman is pretty hungry at that time. But it taught me that I range between 1100-1500 with 1300 being my average. Yesterday, however, I binged big time on both healthy food and not. Once a month, if even that, I hit around 2000 calories. Yesterday, I must have had 2300-2400. I ate a lot but mostly high-calorie foods. It’s amazing I didn’t feel sick or get heartburn or anything like that. My heart never raced due to all the sugar or anything.

Anyway, the point is that I totally expected to be up a pound or two for stuffing the shit out of myself like I did but nope. I’m up just two-tenths of a pound. I’ll indulge once a week or so. It’s fun to do every now and then and to get stuff I don’t normally get. All those chocolate-covered cherries were divine! I’m just glad I’m not as hungry as I was before periods were due or when I was in perimenopause. Now I can eat fewer calories. Not few enough to lose weight but enough to keep from gaining.

Most days I will start off with a small avocado and either a kiddy yogurt or cottage cheese. Then I’ll have two meals during the day that consist of one piece of meat (chicken, pork, fish) and veggies. In between, I snack on veggies, grapes or berries. Sometimes I might add something like soup. I try to really limit my processed food intake. I won’t let myself have more than one processed meal a day whether it’s a can of Chef Boyardee Beefaroni, a frozen dinner, etc.

Those ACV shots with turmeric and honey are absolutely horrible! Definitely not getting those again. I’ll just pour a dab into my sparkly waters from a bottle of unfiltered ACV. It’s much cheaper that way anyway.

Yesterday, I had mild pains in my chest and back but I’m guessing it was either due to the smoke (today is clear) or I pulled a muscle on the Bowflex.

The shower project is delayed because he found he needed additional parts that he ordered. They won’t be here for a little over a week, though.

I’m now officially registered to vote! And no, I’m not doing jury duty. I swear anytime I get calls for that is when I wish I’d never been vindicated.

Sipping the rosé now. Meh. A little on the dry side and there’s a tang to it I don’t really care for.

Didn’t ignore Aly yesterday even though I had planned to. I noticed she messaged me when she should be in school, so I asked why she was home. Apparently, the virus hit her class. She got tested yesterday but doesn’t think she has the virus. I hope not! Anyway, now she’s teaching via Zoom.

I should change yesterday’s “overly emotional” to “moody” when I was describing character traits that turn me off. If you lose a loved one, for example, of course you’re going to be overly moody. It’s people with intense and regular mood swings that are beyond the norm that gets to me.

Ended up getting my usual half-hour of exercise yesterday. I just did it on the skier instead of going out. It’s just that I hate to sit still for too long, tired or not.

The fucking park was having a concert as they tend to a few times a year but fortunately, we couldn’t hear it inside the house. What a stupid, dumbass thing to do with the virus still going around and over a million global deaths now. I’m sure there were some people wearing masks but who knows if they kept a good enough distance from each other.

I’m appalled that England is protesting their lockdown and calling COVID-19 a hoax. I may not be the brightest person on Earth but it never ceases to amaze me just how stupid so many people are. I’m seriously embarrassed for and by those dumb enough to believe it’s a hoax. Because people really have nothing better to do than to create some fake virus so people can be stuck at home and can fuck up the economy, right?

Another anxiety-free day. I don’t know why but I know I appreciate it. For a while, I was wondering if Sutter Home wines had anything to do with it because it started around the time, I decided to try them. I’m glad they don’t, though, because I like them better than Barefoot except for their version of Merlot. Barefoot’s merlot is sharper, I guess would be the appropriate word to describe it, so I like theirs better. Even though that’s one of my favorites, I’m staying away from it for the sake of not staining my teeth.

When we get groceries delivered, I’m going to be trying individual ACV shots with turmeric and honey that I can just drop right into my bottles of sparkling water without having to measure anything. It’s a little more expensive this way but I’m curious to try it at least once.

Saw these really cool-looking toothbrushes on Amazon but I’m not going to try them until we get settled. I have a child-size mouth and they have these kids’ dental trays that have brushes in them that automatically brush the teeth on both sides at once. They also have dual-headed brushes I may also try. As a tech fanatic, I love to try new technology and ways of doing things.

Since we took it easy yesterday, today is going to be the day we try to tackle the old shower in the second bathroom and see how hard it is to switch out.

The freeway is loud this morning so I wouldn’t be surprised if the planes were annoying as well. No place is 100% perfect nor 100% imperfect, but we will have a quieter place someday. We will.

It was my turn to have a Calms Forte nightmare. A young woman in her early twenties or so was chasing me with a knife for some reason. I ran toward a busy street with lots of traffic and tried to get someone to stop and help me. It seemed no one wanted to intervene, but a bus did slow down long enough for the guy driving to yell at me to get out of traffic. The dream ended there and then it was off to dream about hearing sawing and hammering every morning at 4 AM. I don’t know where we were living but it turned out to be a young woman who made crafts that she sold. They were these little figurines. I don’t know if she lived attached to us or just near us.

“Do you do this every morning?” I asked, and I wasn’t the least bit thrilled to learn she did.

The rest of the dreams weren’t enough to make sense of. I’m not as tired today since I slept longer but I sure woke up a lot. Twice I got up to pee and I woke up a few other times as well.

It smells a little smokey out there now. When it’s mild it’s actually pleasant and reminds me of incense.

“Those who see the world and the people within it as all black and white (all good or all evil) are doomed to never see the beauty that shades of gray can bring.”

Aly tweeted this on her other Twitter account and right away I suspected it was because I made some negative tweets in regard to people’s stupidity and my lack of faith in anything up there actually giving a shit about people.

She messaged me about trying to keep busy and not dwell on a few things. Then she edited out the part about dwelling on things and I wondered if it was because she remembered that I hate it when people are vague like that or if she decided she didn’t want me asking about it.

She later tweeted, “Reminding myself that giving people power over my emotions does me no good. My open mind is a good thing.”

She was home alone all day yesterday, so someone pissed her off. Not sure if it was me or someone else but you know what? If it’s me she’s talking about and she doesn’t have the balls to come out and say so, then that’s her problem. Is it really me, though, or am I just being paranoid? shrugs I’m not a mind-reader so I can’t say for sure. I can only say that if she doesn’t have it in her to step forward if she’s got any problem with me, then she deserves whatever negative emotions she’s feeling. That’s the thing about her, though; she is a bit of an emotional person. Okay, so maybe more than a bit. She’s definitely more sensitive for my comfort but I’ve dealt with much worse.

When I first got up, I noticed I couldn’t access her Twitter account and I thought Damn! She figured out that I knew about the account and deleted it. Turns out she just changed handles, so she was definitely online yesterday even though I didn’t hear from her anywhere.

Molly tweeted something about finding it interesting that some people block her when she hasn’t been on Twitter much. I wonder if she thinks Aly blocked her.

Aly sometimes has days where she doesn’t check in with me and today is my turn to skip a day after being very consistent. IDK, I still adore her as a friend and all that. It’s just that there’s this underlying sense of dishonesty I’m sensing, and she has been known to lie enough times in the past. I sense she holds back on too many things when I’m supposed to be a close enough friend that she should be able to confide in just like I’ve shared many things with her.

Fitbit says I should be down to at least 154.8 but instead, I’m 155.8, up about half a pound from last week. Again, what should work for most people doesn’t always apply to those with certain medical conditions. Goes to prove I wasn’t imagining it when different types of diets I’d try would fail. Nor are those who also claim their bodies don’t respond to diet and exercise kidding. The only two noticeable problems I have with being and remaining this way are that it makes running harder and affects my range of mobility. But these things haven’t killed me yet. Besides, I’m nearly 55, not 25. I’ll log my food for one more week, then just focus on keeping active. That much I can do.

I’ve never been one to be afraid to voice my thoughts and opinions. In doing so I’ve found that those that accept me as I am stick around and those that don’t take off, leaving me with the people that truly matter. With that being said I’ll just say that if what they say about Amy Coney-Barret is true, I really hope she doesn’t end up taking Ginsburg’s place! It isn’t what she believes. It’s what she may do with those beliefs that have me a little concerned. If you’re a hater who wants to control people and strip women of their rights, then you shouldn’t be in a position of power.

I’ll never get one’s hatred for their own kind. Okay, I can see having ill feelings toward the opposite sex if you don’t like the way they tend to behave and because it’s easy to hate (or at least not like) what we don’t get and can’t relate to. But how can a woman hate other women? So much that she would gladly strip them of their bodily rights if she could and from making personal choices that should be up to her only?

Kind of tired today because I only slept for 5 hours. We’re both going to take a day off from working out which is good to do a couple of times a week anyway. We saw one skunk yesterday, but it skittered across the street and out of sight.

My right eye had a blurry spot that flickered for about 20 minutes yesterday. I’m not sure why, though but that has happened before. I wasn’t in a bad mood of any kind so who knows? I also didn’t have any anxiety yesterday, yet I have no idea why any more than I can be sure why I sometimes do. Still think there are likely many factors because unfortunately, the world just isn’t as black and white as we might sometimes wish it was. Sure would make some things easier if it was but it’s often hard to tell what’s what.

I’ve been asked what my answers were on some of my polls. The few in particular are whether or not I believe there’s an afterlife, nothing, reincarnation or anything else.

I don’t know. I honestly don’t. I’d like to think there’s nothing because this life is enough, and that theory makes the most sense scientifically. I’d say the least likely is reincarnation because of the way our experiences and memories are so much a part of what makes us who we are. If you don’t have the pathway to those memories, then it really isn’t “you.”

My favorite wines are Merlot, Zinfandel, Moscato, Rosé, and Pinot Grigio.

With few exceptions, I’m mostly anti-friend-mixing because I found that that can cause problems and leave one feeling awkward if you have a falling-out with a mutual friend.

No, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being choosy about who we’re friends with. Everybody has preferences for everything. We have different foods we like and dislike, different movies, different music, different colors, so why not different personalities? I think it’s okay to not want a particular friend because of any particular trait whether it’s something most people would avoid or that isn’t necessarily a bad thing at all since there are plenty of others who will accept them. As they say, there are other fish in the sea, and I believe this applies to friendships as well as relationships.

I mostly admire those who are sound of mind, intelligent, honest, and with a good sense of humor. If you’re dishonest, contradictory, overly emotional, and easily offended by every little thing, I’ll likely avoid you.

I continued tracking because I was curious to see if that strange person in Reno returned or not. I didn’t see her yesterday at all on my tracker and figured she either left PB or was hiding. But then I saw her and found a message from her apologizing for “going stupid,” and insisting she’s honestly not obsessed with me, and I apologized for my part. I shouldn’t have pulled the prank I pulled, and I definitely went stupid myself, LOL. So I guess all is well there. :-)

Yesterday was a totally shitty day with anxiety. I also felt a little depressed and frustrated. Mostly just anxious and frustrated. So much for thinking I’d finally beaten it. I eventually took half a Benadryl so it wouldn’t knock me out, but it didn’t do anything for my anxiety. Then I took the other half and while it didn’t knock me out, it still didn’t help much. And of course, I’m still at a total loss as to just what all the culprits could be. He thinks it’s a combination of things like me stressing over my upcoming appointments and hormonal and that a fresh start in Florida will really do me good. I know I have some terrifying memories attached to this house but nah, it’s mine for life whatever it’s caused by. Whether it’s a combination of the above causes or a medical disorder I acquired, it’s never going away completely. Just like I’ve had to do this last half a decade since it began, I have to know and accept this whether I like it or not. It’s a part of me just like my ear/TMJ is, my weight, and other things I’ve had to make peace with. Driving myself crazy over what can’t be changed would be as futile and as pointless as these protesters marching to change pigs that will never change. They are the law. Like it or not, right or wrong, they can make or break it at will. Always has been that way, always will be. So why lower yourself to harming innocent people, spreading the virus, and disrupting so many things just to change nothing but perhaps how people see you, and not for the better?

Anyway, since I’ll probably feel like shit in another five hours or so since it still tends to kick in towards the middle of my day, I’m just enjoying the calm while it lasts. It’s nice and quiet too. I still hear some loud vehicles in the daytime and the daily buzz of landscaping. Can’t wait to get away from that shit in Florida although I do expect I’ll still hear plenty of power tools, projects, and motorcycles, especially before we get land. The only place I would be willing to put up with noise is no place we could ever afford and that’s on some kind of peninsula or island.

Last night I was thinking, oh no! I better send the termites those journal excerpts now so I don’t have to worry about the in-state thing which is why the black bitch couldn’t get me in Auburn as hard as she no doubt tried to and why it was easy for her to seek legal revenge on me in Maricopa being that we were still in the state.

But then I said, nah. Nothing I ever have or will send them will be even remotely illegal not to mention the fact that I’ve learned to ignore subpoenas should I ever get one for whatever. I would still rather wait until she can’t get postal mail to us, even though I understand the pigs could find out where we were any time they wanted.

I started to wonder if Alyssa hasn’t changed her profile picture in over a year because of me but when I was combing through her public stuff, I saw that she did go a couple of years one time. I think that as a doctor, she just doesn’t have much time for social media and even less once she added a kid to the scene. Still guessing she’s never read/listened to any of my messages other than maybe the first few. Then I was probably put on ignore.

Got that swai fish I wanted to try, and I really like it. Too bad it’s not so good for you like most things we like. Yeah, the more we like something, the worse it is for us. It has a nice soft buttery texture that melts right in your mouth.

We went out walking yesterday morning and will probably do the same today. First I gotta hit the shower and get the laundry going.

Guess who’s signing in on an anxious note? Sure wish Tom was right in thinking it’s hormonal and that it will go away for good someday but after half a decade, I have no reason to think it will. I could take Children’s Benadryl now and maybe get rid of it, but I would prefer to go walking in a few hours as opposed to napping and feeling groggy. Yeah, that’s the problem with things that help with anxiety. They eventually stop helping and they make you tired. So that’s why I haven’t sought treatment from a new psychiatrist. I know there’s such a thing as hormonal therapy but I wouldn’t know where to begin with that and don’t want to be spending more time and especially more money on appointments and medications that may or may not work and that also may or may not backfire on me in a bad way.

I forgot to say that a few days ago, Tom said two or three motorcycles that were really loud came blasting through as I was sleeping. It’s a miracle they didn’t wake me up but maybe they didn’t go by the bedroom. They could have entered the circle from the other direction. It would still be pretty loud, though, so adding brown noise on Alexa was a smart idea I should have done from the get-go. It’s just that we didn’t get her until 2015. Either way. We WILL have a quiet place someday. I’m done with noisy places and that shit definitely stops here with this place.

No problem taking Calms Forte and no problem from what I can see with my schedule for labs on the 5th and Doc A on the 19th. I don’t know yet about my appointments in February and March but fortunately, I’ll get some time off from having to worry about that.

I’ll not only have to have Doc A look at the spot on my upper arm that’s a few inches above the elbow, but I now have one on the shoulder as well. I’ve had at least half a dozen of these and they usually heal on their own. I don’t know if they have the potential to be serious or not. When you get older, things start showing up on your skin, so I don’t know.

Did my nails earlier and what a god-awful brand MWellew is! They’re not only way too big for me but just a pain in the ass to work with. It definitely seems that the lighter-colored sparkly ones are easier to see through. These aren’t transparent but more like opaque so they’re still acceptable. They don’t look bad, just not great. They go from light blue to light green to light pink but since I cut my nails, I mostly only see pink on my thumbs. It really is easier working with nail strips that come on a sheet instead of individual nails that are attached to a strip. They’re easier to size up attached to strips but harder to peel and work with in general.

So no more MW, Maity’s or Girzzur. Tailaimei, Augoog and Wokoto are the best so far.

Had a dream I had to pee so bad but every time I would park my ass on the toilet, my bladder refused to let go of its golden goodies.

We went to Rite Aid yesterday and on the way to and from there, as we passed Cripple Creek, I looked into the greenbelt but didn’t see any signs of life at all. So there are either not that many of them or they’re deep within the brush and well hidden.

At the store, I got lentil chips, a case of Moscato, and a case of Zinfandel.

Aly gave me a hint of where she’s living, saying she was close to a zoo, and I guessed South 13th Street because she mentioned traffic noise and it appeared to be a busy street from what Google Maps showed me. She said I was close. She’s actually on Vinton Street close to 10th Street in downtown Omaha. I’ve narrowed it down to two possible blocks she’s living on and while it would be nice to see pictures inside and out, I’m really not that curious. I don’t have anything to send her at the moment so it’s not like I need her exact address. If I wanted to surprise her with whatever I could send it to her parents. She and Cam will be moving out around Halloween and into a new place in Elkhorn.

My last two polls received answers I would expect from Aly. However, they didn’t come at the same time. In fact, one of them came while she was working, and she made like it was very inconvenient to go online from there. I guess not being there full-time means she doesn’t have as much in the way of breaks, but I wouldn’t think it would be impossible either, so I don’t know. If it wasn’t her and it wasn’t random, someone else is following me that knows what I look like because, in one of the polls, I asked if they thought my hair looked better shorter or longer if they knew what I looked like.

Marie? Molly? Someone else? I am connected to a couple of PBers there, but I don’t know if they’ve ever seen pictures of me. If they have, I would think it would only be with shoulder-length hair because that’s what I’ve had for a while now.

So much for hanging up the tracking for a while. I’m too addicted to doing that. It’s fun. Predictable usually, but fun.

Aly asked if I had nightmares when using Calms Forte as she does. I don’t remember if I took it when I had the nightmare about being alone and broke but I took it last night and the only dream I remember was moving into my first childhood home that was next to my maternal grandparents. My grandparents were still alive and still living next door, too. I walked up to the side of their place and peeked into a window that didn’t really exist and could see into the living room. Sunlight shone through from the front of the house and I knew they weren’t home. I figured they were at their place of business. Their place of business, whatever that was, was just as big as their home and I thought to myself in the dream, wow, that’s a lot of space for just two people.

We got a letter from the park saying that there was a homeless camp set up in the green belt between a part of the park and a regular neighborhood called Cripple Creek and that there was nothing they could do about it because that land wasn’t owned by anyone. They did add coils of razor wire along the base and tops of the fence that surrounds the RV parking lot because they were breaking in there and stealing things.

Good thing we didn’t get the house at the end of Daisy then! I always said that would be the best location in the park but not with a bunch of bums within arm’s reach. So that brief but definite whiff of cigarette smoke I caught as I was walking by the RVs early one morning wasn’t my imagination. I knew it was a strange time and location to be smelling cigarette smoke. Bet it was from one of the homeless people and they had to have been inside the RV parking lot and close to where I was walking because strong nose or not, there’s no way it would have wafted over to me from the creek itself.

Tom and I agreed that neither of us would go out alone after dark (we like to work out together anyway). If we were alone, we’re in pretty good shape and could probably handle one of them. But certainly not groups of them even though I’ve never actually seen anyone hanging around the park at night, not that I’m looking out the windows at that time either. I may only step out to dump trash but that’s it.

I’ll never doubt Dixie again, though! She swears they’re also in the golf course and that they’ve lurked about her place a number of times.

I’m glad to say that I’m not only perfectly calm today so far but for the first time ever, I found something that takes the anxiety away… Children’s Benadryl. Ah, but according to what I read, this will only work a few times and then it will stop having that effect. So much for thinking it wouldn’t knock me out, though, because it did. I ended up napping for an hour, but I love taking naps, especially at night when it’s quieter. I seldom am able to nap, though, even when I’m tired.

In one day my weight went from 155.2 to 156.6 even though I’ve been sticking to the Fitbit plan. It’s no surprise, though. I just don’t lose weight. My body has to be holding onto the weight for a reason, though, and I can only guess it’s due to my thyroid. No biggie, though.

This month has been the worst for my anxiety so far this year and I have no idea why. Just like half a decade ago, I’m asking the same damn questions. Hormonal? Medication? Because I’ve got labs and a doctor’s appointment coming up next month? I’m guessing it’s a combination of the three but there are some things about the medication that don’t make sense. Like how I could go 11 weeks without having to skip, but this time it’s only been about a month.

I skipped this morning too, but I still feel wound up so something else is going on. If it’s hormone-related, how many more fucking years is this going to go on? I guess I’m going to have to accept the fact that I’m going to suffer on and off for the rest of my life. I’ll probably not eat for the last few hours of my day and take my medication tonight. No sense in letting my TSH rise too much if I’m still going to feel anxious anyway.

Speaking of suffering, I was watching a heartbreaking YouTube video about this older couple in which the husband was dying of cancer. My heart broke for the woman who had to accept that her husband was never coming home again, and it broke even more for the guy who appeared to be suffering and in so much pain. It burns me up to know that people are so inhumane when it comes to other people, yet they’ll do anything to alleviate the suffering of a dog. Yes, dogs get treated better than humans more often than not. I still don’t understand why there isn’t a Death with Dignity Act nationwide. Why let so many people suffer so needlessly? I just don’t get that. If I was that woman and that was my husband, and if the doctors and nurses wouldn’t do anything for him, I swear I’d yank the pillow from under his head and smother him with it to put him out of his misery if that’s what I had to do.

Naturally, every time I feel the faintest of cramps down there, I worry about the possibility of uterine cancer. I definitely have risk factors for it too. If I was ever told I had terminal cancer I would kill myself the next day. Why let myself go through such extreme pain and suffering with doctors and nurses who refuse to help me? I know that they don’t get to decide the laws and all that but how could you not want to do the right thing if you saw someone suffering like that? If the law said we all had to jump off a bridge, would we do that? No, of course not. Sometimes you have to do what’s right. Not what any crazy law says.

The good thing is that other than occasional light cramps and those spots I caught, I really don’t have symptoms of uterine cancer, although I would think most of the ones I read wouldn’t happen until it was pretty advanced. I hate to even think of the immense pain one must endure dying of cancer in such a sensitive area! Any cancer would be painful to die from. But I would think uterine, stomach and lung cancer would be some of the worst. “Do no harm” is something doctors swear by and consider their lifelong motto but allowing a terminally ill patient to suffer unnecessarily to such a degree IS doing harm.

Anyway, I’ve tried everything to help myself and nothing I’ve done so far has ever helped when I’m really feeling anxious. Not Stacey’s tapping, drinking, praying to a God that likely doesn’t exist, pressing acupuncture points, nothing. I’m not OMG-I-want-to-die kind of anxious but it’s bad enough at times. Took a children’s Benadryl to see if that helps because even if it makes me drowsy, it shouldn’t knock me out this early in my day.

Even though it does seem to help with energy, I think I’ll take a break from my multivitamin for a while just to see if there’s a connection.

I couldn’t find anything to suggest Ashkenazi women have whackier hormones than others, but I’ll definitely ask my doctor next month how late in life one could have hormonal fluctuations that can make you anxious. I’m still hot flashing as well, especially when it’s warm, and we’ve definitely been warm. In the 80s and 90s. We went out walking at 77° and it had only dropped to 75° by the time we got back.

Anyway, I’m trying not to dwell on anxiety, what-ifs, death, dying and suffering and all that dark shit.

My weight fell into the low end of what Fitbit said it would. I’m going to keep logging and monitoring calories even though I don’t expect to lose any more than a pound or two because it’s a great way to ensure that I don’t gain. It’s looking less and less likely that I’ll ever have to worry about that so that’s nice to know. He’s lost 7 pounds so far.

We registered to vote. It was easy for him because he has a driver’s license, so he didn’t have to print anything out. I had to print and sign a form and mail it in. We’re both going to vote by mail even though Biden’s gonna win this state easily.

Tom said he felt a twinge of sadness when he saw Bob in Virginia’s SUV drive by, but Bob and Virginia weren’t in it. A woman and a man were in it instead. We’re guessing she gave it to one of her kids and their spouse. It would be great if they moved in there and would take over the house and remain there after Virginia is gone. All their kids certainly have to the old enough to live here by now. I doubt it, though. I still wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if the house went on the market by the end of the year. She can’t live alone, and I don’t know that her kids are in a position to just take over the house.

When it comes to our future house, I’ve always been a modern fanatic. But I’ve learned that if you can’t afford anything within 3 years old, then older is better because then you can really customize it to your tastes. If you get something that’s semi-modern, it may be harder to modernize because it just wouldn’t be as feasible to remove countertops that are only 10 to 15 years old and not exactly in bad shape for something you find more attractive. I really want to see the house, wherever it ends up being, as a work of art and really make it what we want it to be from top to bottom. I don’t want someone’s acceptable enough flooring or carpet. I want our own. It’s what we’re going to have to live in for the rest of our lives so we may as well go all out to really make it ours.

Since this has turned out to be a practice house, he’s going to see if he can replace the shower faucet in the second bedroom because it’s so fucked up. As I told him, if it turns out to be easier than he thought, he’ll wish he did it seven years ago. If it’s harder, then that’s all the more reason to go for a full upgrade and leave it to the pros in the future.

The Benadryl does seem to be having a calming effect on me but from what I’ve read, it won’t last more than a few days of using the product. Yeah, all good things really do come to an end and a hell of a lot quicker than the bad things do. I’m a touch drowsy but that’s fine. I don’t have anything I need to do that’s physical for the rest of my day.

The index card box for my nail stickers came today. A couple of brands were too big for it, so I trimmed them down. The ones that were in plastic wraps fit fine. It was the ones in paper wrapping that were too big. It was simple enough to trim them to fit, though.

What wasn’t simple was using the punchers to cut out shapes to decorate the box using extra nail stickers. The stickers were too thick. Instead, I remembered I had some gem stickers which I put on top of the box. Not wanting to decorate the entire box with them, I bought some colorful sparkly star stickers for $5 on Amazon.

It has a slide on top of it for standing up index cards, so standing up are the nail stickers I plan to use next. That will be pastel gradients that go from blue to green to pink.

I’m a little tired today and my sleep score reflects it as well. Lately, I’ve been scoring 87-89 but I scored 83 the last time around. Waking up with a nightmare didn’t help. I dreamed of one of the classics; being broke and alone. I didn’t know Tom in the dream and my parents were still alive. I was forced to move out of a small apartment because I ran out of money. I don’t know how I had been getting money before or why it stopped but I was facing homelessness and losing everything. I tried to call my parents as a last-ditch effort to get help, but my phone was broken. When I finally got it to work, I couldn’t remember their number or even what town they lived in. Then I ended up breaking down on the woman who answered when I called Information (do those things still exist in real life where you dial 411 for info?) and she asked me what I needed.

“Well, $120 for my meds, for starters,” I told her, even though my meds don’t cost nearly that much in reality. Levothyroxine is cheap.

I didn’t seem to be in a panic like I would have been when I was younger. It was like I figured I’d lived long enough, I tried my best, but oh well. So what if I had to kill myself to save myself from slowly starving on the streets?

I did have a good dream as well. I met Aly in a hotel somewhere. She told me I looked like I lost a lot of weight and that my face was slimmer. I told her I was so excited to finally meet her and we hugged. I thought she felt kind of bony. Then I said, “I was beginning to wonder if we would ever meet.”

Sure enough, she’s dodging me on giving me her address so I can check her out on Google Maps. I understand wanting to be somewhat private but for Cam to be so private that he won’t let her share a picture of them or anything else makes me wonder. I still don’t think she’s making him up, though. I know she’s very intelligent and has a hell of a creative mind but to keep such an intricate game going for so long doesn’t seem likely. But why such intense secrecy unless he’s got something to hide? It is still kind of weird that I never see any pictures of him, her house, and the fact that I could never find his SIL who’s supposed to be a doctor.

I know without a doubt that Aly is fucking with me on the polls but that’s okay because I can play right back in my own way. She recommended doing a follow-up poll and I decided to take her up on that suggestion. I asked those who voted “never” to my journals if they did so because they’re just a random voter who voted randomly, they’re afraid of what I may say about them, or they just like to be different.

Sure enough, shortly after I put up this poll, the first two got one vote each. I would be willing to bet just about anything that Aly voted from her two Twitter accounts which is all she seems to have right now that I know of. There is a possibility that Molly’s lurking and has been doing a great job of not letting me know it, but if she was that curious about my tweets, I would think she’d be reading my journal as well yet Texas doesn’t show up on my list very often.

I put up a new poll asking if I was ugly, average or attractive and I would be willing to bet it was Aly who voted “average.”

I agree. I was above average in my youth (something that had its advantages and disadvantages) and later evolved into an ordinary, average-looking middle-aged woman.

Another poll asks if you’re against, okay with, or have no opinion about the possibility of ICE forcing hysterectomies on some illegals and immigrants and I would also be willing to bet it was Aly who voted it to be wrong.

Don’t know if it’s fake news or not but if ICE is really forcing hysterectomies on illegals and immigrants, I totally commend them. How many times have they come over here, popped kids they knew damn well they couldn’t afford, and then forced our tax dollars to have to foot the bill? Many of the people in Mexico and its surrounding Latin countries breed like rabbits and we don’t need to be responsible and to have our system burdened even more. I think that ICE sterilizing them is helping to control the population as well as saving money in the end. There are enough kids born into poverty be it because the parents are lazy or trapped in a situation beyond their control and others don’t need to deal with it for them.

Lastly, I asked if my writing ability was poor, fair, good or average. I got a vote for good and one for poor.

If it was someone who has really read my journals or stories and really thinks I’m a poor writer, I would love to know why they think that. :-) It may help me improve my writing even more.

I’ll be going to the lab on October 5th at 3:30. Unfortunately, I’m not going to get the good numbers I was hoping to get because I skipped my meds altogether yesterday. It’s unlikely I’m going to be in the single digits. On top of that, I have cut waiting time a few times in the last few weeks. Definitely feel better today. Still can’t say for sure if it’s more on wacky hormones or the meds but I’m guessing the hormones. My day started off with some lightheadedness, but I was fine afterward.

As expected, the garbage and green waste trucks woke me up, but I went right back to sleep and woke up feeling rested enough. I’m surprised the planes haven’t been bad late at night. I just hear the occasional buzz of small planes or helicopters that I always hear at night here.

I wasn’t too happy to learn that most parks in Florida have their trash picked up twice a week. But do they make a three to four-hour ordeal of it? Would the trucks get as close to the bedroom window as they do here? I hope not, but either way, it would only be for a few months.

I visited Dixie as the sun was setting and it was great seeing her even though our chats usually get me down. She never has anything positive to say, but I feel bad for her because she has no one. Goes to show that having kids doesn’t mean you’ll be taken care of in the end. She hasn’t talked to her daughter in years and her son is a drunk. She can’t take care of herself (she needs hip and knee surgery) because she’s so busy taking care of Diane. She no longer has any help with her because Diane isn’t in any kind of program these days and I guess she had a falling-out with a couple that used to help out with her. She says she hates her life and feels like she’s alive but not living. Again, I feel terrible for her and I dread the day Tom and I get to the point where we’re struggling in the way she is. I try to take people’s advice and not worry about the future since it isn’t here yet but sometimes that’s easier said than done. I worry either way. I worry about suddenly dying before he does and leaving him alone. Then I worry about how much I may suffer from whatever kills me and if there’s a possible afterlife that’s a hell of a lot worse than my worst of times on Earth. Then I worry about him suddenly dying first and being faced with having to end my life. I would have no choice but to do so even if I wouldn’t be as horribly depressed and lonely as I know I would be by the loss of him. No matter how much money we had, I’m simply not one who can just live on her own. Things were different when I had my own apartment in the 80s. I was young, relatively healthy, and yeah, things were different. They were a lot less complex in many ways. But now, it would be very difficult for me to be able to take care of myself. Especially since we wouldn’t live anywhere where there was a bus stop right outside the door. So I worry about having to end it all and possibly botching it up and also hope that those that say you go to hell for killing yourself simply say that as a deterrent.

Dixie is grateful for the fact that she has money and hopes to stay out of a nursing home because of it even though money can only go so far and get you so much. I can’t imagine ever being in a nursing home! Especially with my kind of sleep disorder. An assisted living apartment, I can kind of see, but a nursing home? No fucking way! I hate to think of Tom in one of those places as I know that many of its workers can be impatient and abusive and care a hell of a lot more about their paychecks than the patients.

Kind of sad to know that the only way to get instant housing, food and medical care, even if those last two may be a joke, is to commit a crime and end up in jail or prison.

Anyway, I don’t want to get in a funk by dwelling on “what ifs” too much, and again, the future isn’t here yet. For now, 95% of my life is great and I’m going to focus on that.

At around 8:30 yesterday evening, he and I went on the longest walk we’ve been on in quite a while around the entire perimeter of the park which is about two miles and took about 40 minutes. It was a little warm, though, at around 80°.

We went out at the same time this evening and it was a little cooler but still slightly warm for walking. I prefer it under 70 degrees. Anything under 50 and I won’t go out.

Amazingly, we saw not one single skunk on either walk.

The Maitys nail stickers arrived. There are 14 sets, half of which are dull Earth tones that are going to be covered with polish. If it wasn’t for my gorgeous, colorful set of chrome nail polish, I wouldn’t have bothered with this set since half of them are boring. I started with the lime nails. I currently have 63 sets, so they’ll last me quite a while. Tomorrow I get the index card box to store them in.

Made my own meatballs for the first time for lunch. I rolled ground beef into 1.5” balls and seasoned each one differently. Paprika wins!

For dinner, I also made a roasted chicken thigh over jasmine rice with the same veggie medley I used over the previous night’s tilapia, only I threw in a couple of small potatoes since the green beans were going bad.

Another fancy homemade cooked meal! They didn’t have swai fish, so I used the tilapia I had. I made a tilapia fillet served over brown rice which I topped with a veggie medley. I got the idea from a YouTube video where they used yellow pepper, onions and tomatoes. I only like raw tomatoes when I do have them, so instead I used a mix of green beans, broccoli, onions, mushrooms and yellow pepper.

I hope I didn’t skip my meds today for nothing because I’m still feeling a little wound up. I don’t know if it’s because of hormonal imbalances, if I’ve got more medication built up in me than I realize, or something else. One skipped dose can raise my TSH score by several points, but hopefully it won’t be too bad when it comes time for testing.

I’m also lightheaded today for some reason. That, the anxiety, and the occasional racing HR do smack of wacky hormones. At nearly 55 years of age, I wonder when and if they’re ever going to get their shit together. At least I’m only feeling wound up for 2 or 3 hours instead of half a day or all day. It’s also a different kind of anxiety. Before, I was having waves of anxiety stabbing in and out of my chest. It was like I could feel the adrenaline being squeezed out of my adrenal glands and into my chest. But this is more of a breathless feeling like I just did something really strenuous.

Tom just told me he had his own medical scare today. He was playing a video game on his computer when the edges of his vision got all fuzzy and was worried he might be having a stroke. But when he looked it up, he found that a silent migraine described his symptoms perfectly and then it went away like they said it would in about an hour.

I’m surprised I haven’t been cursed with migraines with all the other shit I’m cursed with. I would just think something up there would hate me enough to love to throw something so horrible at me. I’ve heard they’re so bad you almost wish you’d die, and some people even end up puking their guts out. Ugh, can’t imagine feeling like my head is about to explode and then puking!

Tom told me to be sure I keep wearing my Fitbit to bed and don’t get sick of it because if we’re low-income in Florida, I would qualify for SSI. That would mean I could see a sleep doctor there and use my Fitbit info to show that I have a sleep disorder and finally get the disability benefits that never should have stopped before we got married. We wish we had put in for SSI when we were struggling in Auburn, but we just never thought to do so at the time. And why would our lovely government tell us about it, right?

He keeps an eye on the prices of things and his last check of first-class plane tickets seems affordable enough as long as they don’t jack the price up. I would definitely love to go out of here first class! I hope to get more pics along the way. The last two times we changed states, there were issues with cameras and batteries and things like that. I always hated not being able to get a good shot of the breathtaking Mount Shasta.

One of the houses here is going for 260K and they haven’t even been here as long as we have. But the house is really gorgeous inside having been remodeled and all that, plus they have a hot tub in back and a view of the lake.

Decided not to edit and share my bio because it’s a lot to go through and definitely contains more shitty memories than I care to go through. I’m just going to run it through Grammarly since I wasn’t as good of a writer as I was 20 years ago and only had a spell checker back then.

Lisa was in my dreams last night. I hate it when those narcissistic crazy bitches show up in my dreams. I don’t remember much about it. I guess we were having a friendly discussion in person and then I later went back to her house to get something I forgot, and even though the house was dark when I entered it and I called out her name, I could just make out her shadow slinking silently around in the dark which made me question her sincerity.

We uploaded our DNA to some sites that give you some information for free, as I mentioned, and yesterday one of them told him he has a lot of Celtic in him whereas I have a lot of Roman. There’s some East Asian in me too, which makes sense since the Jews started off there before relocating.

Doing Twitter polls has been fun. I’m just not sure what to do a poll on next.

I really miss Ask, but there’s no way I can return there because they’ll just harass me. I guess that instead of banning users who don’t ask and answer according to their standards, you get badgered with pop-ups to the point that their site is unusable. If it was a genuine glitch, it wouldn’t have gone on for years. I’ve tried creating new accounts but as soon as they know it’s me or I give answers they don’t like, the harassment begins. I’ve often wondered why they don’t just write their own questions and answers if they have a specific kind in mind they want but I guess that by messing with those they don’t want, they get others to do the work for them. I can kind of see why they would opt to make it hard for users who didn’t like to use the site as opposed to banning them, but oh well. As they say, all good things really do come to an end.

Just out of curiosity - and this will no doubt put Aly on the spot even if she kind of deserves it for lying - I asked her who she thought might have voted that I never published my journals. Does she think it’s a random voter or someone I know who’s paranoid?

So there’s a site called Genomelink that allows you to upload the raw data containing your DNA from either Ancestry or 23andMe and it tells you about a dozen different things for free. If you want something like 180 different things, it’s $14 a month. We’re not that curious right now but maybe later on we’ll do it for one month. Here’s what it told me for free.

Food & Nutrition

I tend to have an intermediate amount of Vitamin A and am less sensitive to bitter-tasting foods and have an intermediate taste sensitivity to fat.

I have a lower caffeine metabolite ratio, consume less caffeine than average, and have a higher chance of being a smoker.

I have an intermediate carbohydrate intake and am less of a protein seeker which means my body doesn’t crave protein as much.

I’m likely to have a lower consumption frequency of fried dishes as much as I love fried foods and I do indulge in them sometimes.

I have intermediate bitter alcoholic beverage consumption and a higher affinity for red wine than white.

Most of this is pretty accurate even though I couldn’t say on the Vitamin A thing. I only have one cup of coffee most days, I do like fried foods, and I prefer red wine to white. I was also once a smoker.

Personality

I’m less disagreeable and average in conscientiousness. Tom scored less disagreeable as well and I think in most ways we both are. With him, it seems that he just likes to be different but with me, well, I just don’t usually agree with popular opinion. We agree he’s more conscientious than I am. Sometimes I think he cares too much about others. It’s great to be conscientious of those we care about, but he’s too considerate when it comes to neighbors, for example, even those that have shown not to give a shit about us.

The funny part was how it said he was more extroverted than I am. Neither of us is sociable in general, but I’m at least somewhat sociable online and he isn’t even into that.

We’re both more neurotic, although he doesn’t seem to worry nearly as much as I do, and we’re both open-minded, although I think he’s more open-minded than I am. He wouldn’t care if a Muslim moved in next door, but I would be concerned since there are too many of them who prefer to settle their differences in a violent manner as opposed to just a few here and there. You don’t even have to “do” anything to them, just be different.

We both scored intermediate on being reward-dependent.

Intelligence

It says I have more acute hearing and was above average in intelligence as a child. We both got the same answer and I wonder if they tell that to everybody. I’m deaf in one ear and I think if anything I was below-average intelligence as a child, partly due to ADD and the abuse I had to endure at home. Kind of messes with your focus and concentration, you know?

Physical Traits

It says I’m average as far as a morning person goes and average with motion sickness. It also says I have a lower body fat percentage.

Not quite when you have circadian rhythm disorder and you don’t have motion sickness at all. I do have a lower body fat percentage, though, since I’m just slightly overweight. It said he had a higher body fat percentage which is accurate.

Sports

It told us both that we’re intermediate when it comes to endurance performance.

Deciding there’s no way I can do the second hardest out of the four different weight loss plans Fitbit has where you have a deficit of 500 calories a day, I decided it couldn’t hurt to at least try the easiest one with a deficit of 250 and a half a pound loss a week. I noticed I burn an average of 1700 calories a day. So that means I could have 1450 calories a day and still lose that half a pound a week. My comfort zone is 1200 to 1400 calories a day on average, so that wouldn’t be hard. Hard to believe I could eat that much and lose anything, though, with my thyroid, but I’m curious enough to try it and find out.

My HR is a little high again and I feel slightly wound up like I did yesterday but not enough to call myself anxious. I did have a sugary treat, though, that I got when we ran out to Rite Aid. Coffee cakes. I also got lentil chips for later on, a four-pack of Sutter Home’s white zinfandel, and a four-pack of their Merlot as well. My medication is likely building up in me but I’m going to try to tough it out until I hit the lab early next month.

I wonder how much wacky hormones might be connected to it because I noticed I had some spotting last night and I’ve been feeling faint cramps too. I just wonder when this shit is ever going to end for good! I’m almost 55 for fucks sake! I’m still way better and I was before early 2019 or so but this doesn’t seem normal even though I’m not too worried. In other words, my gut feeling isn’t screaming at me that something’s wrong. While that’s great, I still worry about my health delaying the move. I just think that would happen before anything threw an insanely high-paying job his way. From what I read, though, it’s usually benign. Could be anything from a thickening of the uterine lining, wacky hormones, and polyps, but some things can develop into uterine cancer. It’s just that the exams to test for this are excruciating, and even if they weren’t, I don’t want to have to deal with extra expenses now. I’ll just hope it backs off on its own.

I noticed it last night when I was rearranging the 40 or so Barbies I’m taking with me. I managed to jam them all into a smaller clear plastic bin with the exception of four that wear wide gowns. I’ll probably just leave them in there indefinitely unless they gain value and then I’ll sell them. In this bin, I could stand them upright rather than lay them down in layers which isn’t as good for them mostly because it messes up their hair.

I wouldn’t mind if Aly suddenly knew that I knew she was lying about what she voted for on my poll but not by me telling her so. I wouldn’t call her on her lies unless it was something huge or she dumps me again. Therefore, I decided not to have the post on OD where I mention it ever expires just in case she finds it.

For a minute I started to think maybe she was telling the truth because I voted from my other two accounts again on a new poll I created yet the votes weren’t showing up. Then I refreshed the page and they were visible.

My current poll: Is it wrong to be selective and to prefer not to have the mentally ill or those with prominent emotional problems as friends?

I had my other accounts vote yes and no. Recently received a yes vote when Aly was around.

Nurse Kim is 51 today. Wow, I haven’t seen her since she was 23. I doubt I ever will again, but I wish her a happy birthday just the same. It will be interesting to see if she acknowledges my birthday in a few months.

Had a dream we moved to her state, my home state, of all places. Then he got some kind of job connected to guns.

I also dreamed about visiting Dixie. Only I lived a couple of houses away instead of four houses away and during the visit, it was like I couldn’t sit still, and I kept popping in and out of my house and then returning to hers. Then she got tired and wanted to take a nap but didn’t want to fall asleep alone for some reason so she asked me to stick around and I did, hoping she would hurry up and fall asleep so I could get the hell out of there because I was bored out of my mind.

She emailed me in reality last night. She’s worried about the fires, having an eye appointment today, and looking for help with Diane.

I slept with the AC off because I didn’t want the place to reek of skunks in the middle of the night but I woke up warm a few times so I think I’m going to need to sleep with it for a while longer. In early October, we shouldn’t need it at night anymore. The house one is already taking longer to come on. It comes on in the late morning to early afternoon.

Why would Aly lie about what she voted for on my last Twitter poll? Yeah, that’s the question of the day. She said she voted “now” but that’s not possible. Unless Twitter screwed up and failed to count everybody, the two “now” votes are actually from my other two accounts, so she couldn’t have voted for that. Pretty sure she voted “never” if not twice then at least once.

So why would she lie and tell me she voted “now” when there’s no way she could have possibly done so? I guess she anonymously told me what she really thinks while telling me directly what she thinks would be appropriate to tell me. She doesn’t really want me to share them now. She’d rather I never share them and that’s got to be because she knows I’ve said negative things about her at times.

But why not just say she hasn’t had time to vote yet or something like that rather than tell me she voted “now” when she doesn’t want them published now? Maybe she ran out of accounts to vote from, I don’t know.

She is definitely a prolific liar and I have to keep this in mind. I really can’t trust her as much as I’d like to think I can. I could call her out on it but because it’s something so petty, why bother risking what’s otherwise a decent friendship? Like she said in a blog post, silence can sometimes be a good thing. Meanwhile, I may not have the memory I once had but I’m aware, I know how to read, and I’m not stupid either.

It’s a good thing people don’t regularly test for unlocked doors here (that I know of) since the auto-lock failed to work on the back door and it was unlocked all night.

I really, REALLY hope it doesn’t, but if anything does delay the move, that saw fanatic is going to be dealt with. I’m not going to be put out and annoyed just so someone can have their fun. Nor will I be scared out of speaking up just because some people don’t want to hear it and can’t handle it.

The thing is that they might be interested in him for a job that pays even more than his last one which means we would go from 50k a year to 60k or higher with good benefits and that would be hard to turn down or take just temporarily. The more money we can leave the state with, the more options are available to us in Florida. This job would include local traveling in which I could tag along. However, they did say they want someone bilingual so Mr. Unilingual will probably be turned down.

If there is anything up there that decides our fate, curses, or blesses us, I would think it would use my health to trap us here instead of throwing more money at us. The thing is he can’t claim he’s retired and expect to be given Unemployment. They could ask for the money back if he doesn’t work at least for a short time. I just hate to see him work before a COVID vaccine is available!

He ordered a new bike seat because this one is both uncomfortable and unstable. He’ll get a new stationary bike when we move. We get credit if we opt for a slower delivery method, but it has to be a certain dollar amount, so I grabbed another set of nail polish strips which range from beautiful bright colors to dark dull colors. I’ll throw nail polish over the boring ones.

Because my nail addiction means I now have so many sets of nails, I’m going to get an index card file box to store them in. It’s a boring matte black box so I’m going to decorate it with spare nail strips. I’m also getting a paper puncher that punches various shapes like hearts, stars, butterflies, and flowers since the nail strips would be an odd shape to decorate and personalize with.

Also got a ballet-themed 2021 wall calendar. Beginning in 2022, I don’t think we’ll get wall calendars anymore since I don’t expect to have so many high-maintenance pets that I have to remember when each one needs what. The calendars on our computers will work just as well for appointments and whatever.

Oh wow. First time I got so many votes on a Twitter poll where I asked when I should publish all my journals. No one chose now or when I die but I got two votes for hundreds of years from now, and two for never.

Doing polls is fun. It’s an interesting way to gather opinions without putting anyone on the spot since they can remain anonymous.

I guess I didn’t sleep as well as I thought I did since it seems I was up for about 90 minutes in the middle of my sleep. I do remember getting up to pee and waking up warm, but I didn’t think I would be this tired. As I said yesterday, I have a bad feeling I just hit another cycle where I’m going to be tired most of the time no matter how well I sleep. Even so, it says my sleep score is 88. I sure don’t feel like I slept that well.

Christiane is completely ignoring the messages I sent her. That’s really rude, too. Either reply or tell someone you don’t want anything to do with them! It’s probably because I asked about Nane. Had I just said, “Hello, how are you?” I probably would have gotten a reply. Why do I bother, though? I thought I’d gotten over bothering with those who don’t bother with me or who don’t bother with me unless they hear from me first.

Marie hasn’t been coming around as much. Can’t help but wonder if it’s due to the recent mentions of her if that was really her.

Gonna take a break from tracking PB for a while. It’s pretty predictable anyway, as far as who visits. I think it will be interesting to take a break for many months, then go back and see if the results are pretty similar and if Marie is still there at all. Plus, it’s a bit of a pain to have to make drafts with the code, so a break would be nice.

Aly told me she didn’t hate weekends but tweeted that she did on her Molly-connected account. I noticed that she checked in with her yesterday but not with me and wondered if she was waiting till I went to bed. I jokingly but seriously asked her if she was just waiting till I went to bed or something and a half-hour later she replied saying that after lunch she had a Crohn’s flare-up and was forced to lie in bed. If all goes well, she should be moving in with Cam today.

I love it when I happen to catch her when she’s checking in and she doesn’t know it since I have my settings set to Invisible. It’s interesting to see what she edits. One time she edited out that she sometimes stays late at school to write student reports where it’s quiet, almost as if she didn’t want to admit her place gets noisy too, even though she has mentioned raised voices, doors slamming, and footsteps.

Another time she edited out the mention of Cam having Walmart deliver groceries and I wondered if that was due to her desire to be different. At least she seems to like to be different at times and we definitely disagree on Walmart. She has no desire to shop there.

A few days ago there were half a dozen vehicles next door and I remembered that it was Bob’s would-be 91st birthday.

Finally, remembered some dreams I had. I seem to go in spurts with that, too. One of them took place on the other side of the world. I somehow ended up going home with a friend who was visiting from this other country that I’d never heard of and couldn’t find on a map. I was worried I wouldn’t have a way home, but some woman assured me that she would get me back home.

In another dream, I was driving a realistic electric mini-convertible car around the living room when I heard the sound of a large vehicle nearby. It was really early in the morning and the sun hadn’t fully risen yet. I jumped up out of curiosity to see who was parked so close to the house and found a white van sitting in front of the house. I wondered if it was some type of private ambulance or something.

Then I glanced at the car and saw it was about to crash into the wall because I hadn’t put it in park, even though it was moving slowly. I jumped back in the driver seat and slowly moved it around.

Then I heard a male voice and figured it was a paramedic. I parked the car and got out to look out the window again. I saw the paramedic loading a wooden frame of some kind into the back of the van and then I saw Virginia standing in front of her place. I went to open the door to ask how she was doing but when I opened it, I found three young to middle-aged blonde women dressed and pretty sundresses standing there smiling at me. One of them had spaghetti straps and I thought she must be cold in the chilly morning.

I said I wasn’t buying anything and shut the door on them. I then put my ear to the door to see if I could make out anything being said but all I heard was the rustling of papers. Finally, curious to see what it was all about, I opened the door to find they had placed multiple stacks of letter-sized papers all along the patio.

“So I’m supposed to take one from each stack and deliver them to the neighbors? How much are you going to pay me to do this?” the dream ended with me asking.