I would’ve been going to L.A. tomorrow, but now it’s the 7th of June, so I’ve been told. If I don’t make it there, I’ll kill Scott.

He says he’s paying $200 of my rent this month and I worry about if he means it. He also says he’s gonna give me a canceled check to send to Sprint for proof that he paid $35.

I’m not saying Scott deliberately sets out to lie about stuff he’s gonna do and that he’s not busy, but he procrastinates big time.

Two months ago I sent US West a check for $88 and it’s never been cashed. I’ll have to call them about it as well as a few days of credit for when I was crossed. I also must take the phone bill I just got to the office for them to deduct the transfer fee from my rent. I haven’t gotten an electric bill yet.

Work’s been much better this week. I have about $180 in cash on me. Next week I’m working Tuesday-Thursday from 9:00 PM-1:00 AM.

Tom’s been driving me to and from work, but Mandy took me home tonight. Tom says he can bring me to and from work tomorrow night.
Current Location: Arizona

I made $86 at work tonight which was great. It sure beat last week which was so dead.

I spoke to Tammy who said she blasted Dad for the letter he wrote me. She once again went through both of our feelings. She wishes they were divorced too.

Then, Scott came over earlier and said to take a ride with him to see why he’s been so busy. We rode in a very nice mercury sable. One of his cars from Michigan. He’s having all his cars sent here. I saw them all lined up at some dealership that’s trying to sell them for him. Believe it or not, it made me wish I could afford the car and didn’t have this phobia I have with driving. I drove around the parking lot, for the first time in nearly two years, then to the grocery store, then here. I felt a little shaky but it was fun. How would I ever learn to feel comfortable enough to relax and concentrate on everything around me? Scott says everyone feels like that and it’s cuz I haven’t driven enough. Maybe 20 times since I was 19. Scott says a minivan would be perfect for someone as short as me.

I expect to be awake for a while longer, so I’ll write. I don’t want to get backed up either.

Tomorrow I’ll mail out that letter to Bob. The one saying how Kim’s thinking of moving here. I’ve written several letters.

Scott came over earlier so naturally, the phone had to ring twice. Once with Fran, then with Andy.

Andy transferred to a closer Denny’s.

While Scott was here I played him some tapes. One of Andy, Fran and me talking to the crisis center.

I made $66 at work tonight. Amazing, huh?

Today I’ve been keeping journals for 5 years and 7 months.

Some DJ Andy spoke to wants a copy of my edits. Last night Andy and I spoke to Johnny at a local radio station and he thought they were cool. DJs are cool people to talk to. I even ended up on the radio saying, “So Johnny, when the heck are you going to be giving away courtside Sun’s tickets?” like he asked me to.

I am on the phone right now with Andy and believe it or not, we’re calling machines. We’re only calling each machine once and leaving edits on them since it’s too easy to get caught.

I am very tired right now due to the sun, but I’ll do some writing another time.

Later...

I am sitting here wondering how the hell I’m gonna fall asleep. So, instead of trying to figure out that one, I figured I’d write.

Monday I slept from 9:00 AM – 3:00 PM. Scott knocked at 8:30 PM. He’s been working on one of his cars for the last two days.

Steve called me to ask if I’d heard from Celeste. She and her son’s missing and her mom called him. She could be with anyone knowing how she is. Scott said she was with Joe. She’s like Teresa. They can never leave the men who beat them.

Before I fell asleep yesterday morning, I called Kim. We spoke for half an hour. She’s very annoyed with Bob’s obsession with her. We’re gonna play a joke on him. I’m sending a very threatening fuck off message from a “Brian R” to her and she’s gonna mail it to him. I disguised my handwriting.

I’m also gonna tell him in a letter how she’s thinking of moving out here. Then, she’ll write to me saying that. I’ll send this letter to Bob. Bob will freak with total panic.

Late last night Tom and I went to the Jacuzzi. Then, he came over here where once again I made him hot chocolate and played him tapes. He said he’ll show me how to create edits on his computer digitally sometime. He said you can control the pitch and do all sorts of things.

Later I’ll write all about the DJ that Andy and I spoke to and about my being on the radio.

I’m still wide awake as I feared I’d be.

I spoke to Tammy earlier. We both agreed that it’d be a waste of time to try to “set things straight” with my parents. Yes, it hurts that we can’t get along. What person wouldn’t want to get along with their parents? However, I’m not gonna keep on running around in circles with them. I’m not at fault or deserving of Mom’s bullshit. I’ll miss not telling them all about the good things going on, but it’s not worth it anymore.

I hope Scott doesn’t knock till 2:00 or 3:00.

Last night Tom and I went to the Jacuzzi. After, I invited him here. I had coffee and he had hot chocolate. I showed him the photo albums, drawings, and journals and played him some tapes.

Well, I am in a great mood. Far better than I was last week. It’s so nice to know that I’ve had so few bad days or so-so days since I’ve been here. For 26½ years it was 90% miserable. Here, it’s been 98% fantastic.

I didn’t count, but I made $80 or $90 tonight. I have $97 in cash on me in bills and lots of change.

Scott stopped in for an hour or so. It was great to see him. We’re getting together Monday.

I still can’t find Kindy’s number, so I hope she calls me.

I like Sasha, but she can be annoying. She knows Scott and I are good friends and that I hardly see him, but she hogs his attention.

Till 11:00 it was dead. I said to Scott I was afraid I’d end up evicted if the club didn’t pick up or if no positive results came out of L.A. He laughed and said, “No you’re not. I’ve got tons of money coming in next month.”

We’re gonna discuss it Monday. And he also says he’ll put the ceiling fan up then. We’ll see.

I still do have an excellent feeling about L.A. Also, believe it or not, I feel a little lust in the cards too, but why the hell I do, who knows? I’m sure it won’t be with Marcella, but I sure wish it. While I’m still young I wish to hell I could have a little more fun here and there.

There’s a new dancer named Ashley at work who’s pretty, but I guess she’s straight.

The phone company fixed the lines today.

Tomorrow if I don’t get together with Kindy, and I highly doubt it, I’ll call Lorna. I’d like to meet her and see if she’ll buy my answering machine.

I sold Sammy a costume.

I think I’ll also decorate the wall stuff and type some letters. I love this apartment It’s so quiet so far. The guy below me is so quiet and I hear fewer kids. I have a few more things to write about later.

Later...

Can you believe I’m still fucking up?! This pisses me off! My schedule’s been doing well since I had that flu and cold. It’s been fine for 3 months so why it’s so hard to fall asleep now beats me.

At 6:30 yesterday evening, Tom came over and attached the sleeper to the couch. He also listened to some edits and one of the Crisis Center calls where Andy and I would play the abandoned teen siblings and I’d do my crazy act, speaking senseless, disjointed sentences.

Tom took me to work and back. He’s on vacation for two weeks. While he’s still here he can bring me to and from work. I’ll still see him and be friends with him after he moves, though. He’s gonna have a 2-bedroom house with a pool. Lucky him.

He’s a cool guy. He’s so the “married with children” type. So very mature and calm. He’s 35, but he appears a bit older. Completely opposite of me, yet never tries to change me or anyone else. Never the type to make prank phone calls, mail funny letters, swear so much or be so blunt. He is very honest, though, and can handle listening to edits and stuff like that.

Earlier I was going through all my journals and highlighting the entry dates. I’d begun doing this right before I moved to Crystal Creek. I’ve finished 1-30, but I know I have bits and pieces of 31-37 done.

Gotta dust, vacuum and run through the bathroom and kitchen a bit. I really want to keep up on this place. Don’t want to let it slide. Every two weeks is when I shall go through it. Once every 2-3 months I’ll be really thorough. No half-assing it.

Why do I feel such a strong vibe for lust? Knowing and going by my track record, I should have a year or so to go.

Now, I’m going to try really hard to fall asleep. I definitely can feel my eyelids becoming quite heavy, so bye for now.

Later...

Right now I am sitting on my patio. It is very very warm out still. A slight breeze went by, but only for a second. I wish it was windier more often. I can’t wait till we have more of those awesome thunder and lightning storms we usually have this time of year. The sound of the creek and waterfalls down below me is so peaceful. God, what beauty I live in!

I’m writing on the table I bought for $10 off that maintenance guy who was fired and moved. I have the patio light on. Thankfully, I have a patio light. I can see perfectly well.

I slept till 7:00! I was beat, but I hope I haven’t fucked my schedule up. I still haven’t done my walls either. I am doing laundry now. I’ll watch two movies I taped and do some letter writing, too.

I spoke to Andy for about 45 minutes, then went to the Jacuzzi. He’s watching TV now.

I have an appointment tomorrow at 9 AM with DES. I want to see if Tom can do me a huge favor. Of course, he can’t call them and say I can’t be up that early cuz I work. I want him to say I transferred apartments, I’m very sick now and don’t have current bills and rent receipts which is true. I’ll call them real soon and see if I can do a phone interview or mail the stuff they need.

While I was at the Jacuzzi I found a really nice lighter and it’s full, too.

I’ll have to look at the apartment map to see where Lorna’s apartment is. I’ll call her first, though, one of these days soon. I want to sell her my answering machine. I’m wary of her otherwise. I smell Ellie in her.

Tomorrow’s the day, a year ago that I left the NHA project. I was in Natchaug for two weeks. I’ve been through so much and accomplished so much since.

Scott says tomorrow he’s putting up the ceiling fan in the bedroom. I’ll believe it when I see it. I hate to say that, but it’s true. Right now, though, I’m gonna throw my clothes into the dryer and watch TV.

Later...

I’m about to watch the movie I taped. One of them. This one’s called, In the Line of Duty - Ambush in Waco. It’s all about that crazy cult leader in Texas. This video has had it. It sounds as if it were underwater. Tim Daly, the guy playing David Koresh, looks exactly like the real David Koresh.

Still no sign of Scott. This is really pissing me the fuck off. Where the fuck is he? What the fuck’s going on with L.A., the rent, and all the other stuff!? Mark at work said to let him know when and if I find out I’m going to L.A. Is the dream over, just when I was as sure as the fact that I’m short with waist-length hair? Was this all one big fat fucking joke? Is God gonna punish me for this first whole year in all my life of happiness? Why is there always a price to pay for happiness? I’m certainly not saying I’m miserable, but am I to pay any dues? Dues for being happy? Is this cuz of my get-together with Julia?

Later I have stuff to write about Marcella (a dancer I like), money, costumes, Kindy, etc.

Later...

What the hell, I don’t have anything else better to do right now, other than to write.

Meagan says Marcella just moved in with her boyfriend. Great. But who knows just how happy she really is? Who knows if she’s gay? Sasha and I still sense she could be. She (Sasha) had agreed a few days ago to approach Marcella and tell her about me. Just as we were coming in, Marcella was on her way out. Sasha never said a word to her. She told me to just go up and talk to her or to leave her a note. She said she didn’t seem to be the type to freak out and take a shit fit if she was straight or not interested. Well, I’m not as brave as she is. Not after the Maliheh incident and many others. It’s not that I’m afraid of verbal rejection. I’m so used to it. I don’t want to have to work with her and maybe blush with a bit of embarrassment when I see her. Or have her tell the whole world and be snotty to me. It’s not that I care who knows I’m gay. It’s her running around saying, “that girl had the nerve to hit on me and I rejected her, ha, ha, ha!”

I envy those who see what they want and almost always get it.

Later...

Meagan says Marcella’s going to Florida for two weeks, but that if I wanted to write a note, she’d give it to her.

If she were bi and looking for a woman here and there, I’m sure God wouldn’t let me get that lucky. Don’t get me wrong, Ann Marie and Julia were no settlements. However, there’s a difference between, someone who’ll “pass,” versus someone who makes you think - wow! I want her big time!

Steve was telling me that he’s got another regular who’s a definite butch. However, she’s very nice, he says, with a great personality. He said she said that I must have the same problem she does cuz there are not too many feminine ones out there and that’s what she goes for. As I said, this comes as no surprise to me. Butches like fems and fems like butches. I did tell Steve he could give her my number to maybe be friends. When he picked me up after work, he said he gave it to her and she was thrilled. If she’s ugly, so-so, or on the masculine side, then yeah, I bet she’s thrilled. She’ll definitely call too, and come over. I bet I’ll have no trouble getting her over here being the butch Steve says she is.

Kindy gave me her number to call her Sunday and I lost it!

Later...

Yes! I’m psyched! When I got home I couldn’t get messages cuz of the repairs they’re doing till just now. Scott actually left a message! He said he was out cold asleep till 5 PM yesterday. His message was left at 10 PM. He said to call when I get up and that he can move Andy on the 2nd of June and not the 1st.

I made over $100 at work and this idiot blew $30 on a gorgeous black lace jacket. Also, a 1-piece black and pink combo shorts/tank top. It zips right up the front. It fits perfectly.

Andy gave Velma that $15 for that straightening iron, so he now only owes me $135.

I can’t wait till he gets over his cold. I want to show him my new stuff.

I also tipped Pete $10, Kevin the doorman $3, then there was the $7 house tip and $37 for groceries. Oh, I also gave Steve $7 for waiting so patiently while I shopped.

The cashier gave me 2 out of the 4 packs of cigarettes I got for free for my being “cute.”

Later...

This is quite ridiculous. I must go to sleep within half an hour. Due to it being Sat., I’ll put my earplug in to be on the safe side and set the alarm for 2:00. If I get only 5 hours of sleep, oh well. I need to be getting up earlier.

I called Tammy and she’s gonna talk to Dad. She offered to. I didn’t ask. I said ok, but these people are in their 60s. They aren’t gonna change now. Tammy feels the same way about both of them.

I’m gonna try to sell Sammy and Meagan each a costume for $10. I’m gonna also try to sell Lorna my answering machine for $15.

Well, I’m gonna go hit the sack. I want to be awake between 2:00 and 3:00 so I can talk to Scott.

My Second Crystal Creek Apartment…

Well, I just paged Steve.

I got a letter from Dad today that half upset me, half pissed me off. You know, I’m really sick of their shit, his and Ma’s.

Later...

I have a half-hour left and boy do I hope I make money tonight.

As far as my folks are concerned, why is it ok for them to insult me? It’s ok for them to speak their minds, but I can’t. I never said anyone was perfect, I’m just tired of being called a liar and all their other BS. I have no respect for my father when he sides with Mom like this, but they can’t take it, so tough! I never wanted our relationship to end, but I can’t deal with Mom’s shit in between everything else. Even Andy said it makes him want to call and bitch them out.

Still no response from Scott. A simple call from a payphone won’t kill him.

I left a note on the guy’s door downstairs. I said I tried knocking to introduce myself and got no answer. I left a note saying I work late, will try to be quiet. Let me know if my music’s too loud and don’t worry if he wants to blast his.

In other news, I’ve got to call DES (food stamps) to see if I can mail the stuff they need.

I called US West and they say the problem with the crossed lines will be fixed tomorrow. I am to call back around the 29th when my bill’s printed for a credit of two days. Lorna and I are still crossed today. We spoke earlier. She told me all about last night and of course, I played dumb. She may buy my answering machine from me.