Still no sign of Scott. This is really pissing me the fuck off. Where the fuck is he? What the fuck’s going on with L.A., the rent, and all the other stuff!? Mark at work said to let him know when and if I find out I’m going to L.A. Is the dream over, just when I was as sure as the fact that I’m short with waist-length hair? Was this all one big fat fucking joke? Is God gonna punish me for this first whole year in all my life of happiness? Why is there always a price to pay for happiness? I’m certainly not saying I’m miserable, but am I to pay any dues? Dues for being happy? Is this cuz of my get-together with Julia?

Later I have stuff to write about Marcella (a dancer I like), money, costumes, Kindy, etc.

Later...

What the hell, I don’t have anything else better to do right now, other than to write.

Meagan says Marcella just moved in with her boyfriend. Great. But who knows just how happy she really is? Who knows if she’s gay? Sasha and I still sense she could be. She (Sasha) had agreed a few days ago to approach Marcella and tell her about me. Just as we were coming in, Marcella was on her way out. Sasha never said a word to her. She told me to just go up and talk to her or to leave her a note. She said she didn’t seem to be the type to freak out and take a shit fit if she was straight or not interested. Well, I’m not as brave as she is. Not after the Maliheh incident and many others. It’s not that I’m afraid of verbal rejection. I’m so used to it. I don’t want to have to work with her and maybe blush with a bit of embarrassment when I see her. Or have her tell the whole world and be snotty to me. It’s not that I care who knows I’m gay. It’s her running around saying, “that girl had the nerve to hit on me and I rejected her, ha, ha, ha!”

I envy those who see what they want and almost always get it.

Later...

Meagan says Marcella’s going to Florida for two weeks, but that if I wanted to write a note, she’d give it to her.

If she were bi and looking for a woman here and there, I’m sure God wouldn’t let me get that lucky. Don’t get me wrong, Ann Marie and Julia were no settlements. However, there’s a difference between, someone who’ll “pass,” versus someone who makes you think - wow! I want her big time!

Steve was telling me that he’s got another regular who’s a definite butch. However, she’s very nice, he says, with a great personality. He said she said that I must have the same problem she does cuz there are not too many feminine ones out there and that’s what she goes for. As I said, this comes as no surprise to me. Butches like fems and fems like butches. I did tell Steve he could give her my number to maybe be friends. When he picked me up after work, he said he gave it to her and she was thrilled. If she’s ugly, so-so, or on the masculine side, then yeah, I bet she’s thrilled. She’ll definitely call too, and come over. I bet I’ll have no trouble getting her over here being the butch Steve says she is.

Kindy gave me her number to call her Sunday and I lost it!

Later...

Yes! I’m psyched! When I got home I couldn’t get messages cuz of the repairs they’re doing till just now. Scott actually left a message! He said he was out cold asleep till 5 PM yesterday. His message was left at 10 PM. He said to call when I get up and that he can move Andy on the 2nd of June and not the 1st.

I made over $100 at work and this idiot blew $30 on a gorgeous black lace jacket. Also, a 1-piece black and pink combo shorts/tank top. It zips right up the front. It fits perfectly.

Andy gave Velma that $15 for that straightening iron, so he now only owes me $135.

I can’t wait till he gets over his cold. I want to show him my new stuff.

I also tipped Pete $10, Kevin the doorman $3, then there was the $7 house tip and $37 for groceries. Oh, I also gave Steve $7 for waiting so patiently while I shopped.

The cashier gave me 2 out of the 4 packs of cigarettes I got for free for my being “cute.”

Later...

This is quite ridiculous. I must go to sleep within half an hour. Due to it being Sat., I’ll put my earplug in to be on the safe side and set the alarm for 2:00. If I get only 5 hours of sleep, oh well. I need to be getting up earlier.

I called Tammy and she’s gonna talk to Dad. She offered to. I didn’t ask. I said ok, but these people are in their 60s. They aren’t gonna change now. Tammy feels the same way about both of them.

I’m gonna try to sell Sammy and Meagan each a costume for $10. I’m gonna also try to sell Lorna my answering machine for $15.

Well, I’m gonna go hit the sack. I want to be awake between 2:00 and 3:00 so I can talk to Scott.