Took a bath earlier in the garden tub. Not something I do very often as I prefer showers to baths, but it’s nice every now and then. 

I decided not to do a sequel to the first book that I published on Amazon. I don’t want to have to keep referring to it as a reference for the sequel. The idea wore off of me anyway. Instead, I have started the stalker story I mentioned pondering and have written a few chapters. 

As most people who know me know, I don’t follow a good 90% of the news. Just like most of us prefer to be around happy people, I prefer to read happy things. Reading the news often leaves me in anything but a good mood. Instead, it just deepens my disgust for humanity in general and convinces me even more that God is evil, and that the more we tell ourselves otherwise, the more we are living in a bubble of fantasy. Well, as far as I’m concerned, some bubbles are better off being popped. 

Every now and then, a particular story fascinates me, like the Jodi Arias case. Whenever it’s a female killer, my curiosity is piqued. Call it morbid curiosity but I can’t help but follow their stories with fascination. It isn’t the act of murder itself that captivates my attention, but the person behind the act itself. As they say, anyone can kill under the right circumstances, but what made this seemingly ordinary person commit such a heinous crime? She may be narcissistic and she may be the jealous type, but other than that she seems to be rather “normal,” even articulate and a bit intelligent. 

I still feel that she deserves to die for what she did. I know that the juror who held out did so because she felt that killing her would be an act of revenge. Okay, so technically that is exactly what it would be, but it would also be doing the right thing. At least in my book, it would be. I think that there are times when revenge is wrong and then there are times when resorting to the old Eye for an Eye concept is rather appropriate. On the other hand, she’s going to have a long depressing, miserable life ahead of her as life in prison might actually be worse of a punishment for her than death would have been. 

Arias is unusual to me in a lot of ways. I totally believe that if she were suddenly a free woman (assuming nobody killed her but then again nobody killed Casey Anthony) she would not take the life of another human being. I think that most killers kill more than once and they don’t stop unless someone makes them stop. But I think Jodi is one of those rare exceptions. An interviewer commented about her being so stony-faced, and she said that she prefers to express her emotions in private, and that if she cried people would say her tears were fake, and I totally believe that one, especially that last part. 

People were quick to say that she only agreed to be interviewed because she craves attention. While there may be a grain of truth to that, I wonder if she mostly did it to try to redeem herself after initially lying about killing Travis. There’s no way in hell I buy the self-defense story, but I do believe that Travis might’ve played with her head a bit. It may not have been deliberate. I think that in his confusion and being torn between his Faith and Jodi, he ended up jerking her around a bit with his insecurity and not being sure of what he wanted. 

Another thing I question when I read printed material on her versus what actually comes out of her mouth, is just how much of the lies actually came from Jodi versus the media. I know the media. Whether or not you lie on behalf of yourself, the media will definitely take the honors at some point and be happy to do so for you. I have watched Jodi in several interviews, and once you set aside the self-defense bullshit, I think she speaks very well and is actually quite honest in many ways. I don’t know if I could have handled some of the interviews as well as she did. When she would be asked a question I would mentally place myself in her shoes and try to imagine how I would answer and I think I would have stumbled on a lot of those questions, not sure of what to say or what would be the best words to describe whatever came to mind. She fumbled on a few questions, but otherwise she did a pretty good job whether she was being honest or not. 

Currently, there are a handful of inmates in Perryville Prison that I once knew from Estrella Jail. I had to laugh when I thought of Kim, who is in the Lumley Unit, which is where Jody is going. I can’t help but wonder if she’s excited at the thought of meeting her, LOL. I saw the video of what might be her cell, and I think it’s a lot nicer looking than Estrella. I was a little surprised to see porcelain sinks and toilets, though. 

One woman, who did seven years there and wrote a book about her case, says Jodi’s going to be walking into a living hell. The Lumley Unit is a maximum-security unit (which would be totally appropriate for somebody like Kim who loved to abscond) and many of those women have nothing to lose. It is almost like being exempt from punishment for committing additional crimes. Especially those that don’t have any visitors or commissary to lose. Personally, if I was in that situation and somebody pissed me off bad enough or I felt they were that much of a threat to me and I knew I had nothing to lose, then why not get rid of the problem? If I wasn’t going to get in any more trouble for it than I would for blowing my nose into a Kleenex… why not? Not saying I would, but the thought would surely be there. 

Anyway, the woman says that because she’s a high-profile case she will have some groupies and then there will be others that will want to put her in her place. The idea of somebody killing her is a nice thought, but that’s just not going to happen. I would be incredibly surprised if it did. Inmates just don’t go killing other inmates as often as one may be led to believe they do in movies. There are women in jail in prison who have killed children yet they survive. 

Fifteen years ago, when I was in jail for a crime I did not commit before I was vindicated, there was a famous inmate in my section. Occasionally she was threatened, but for the most part, she was well-liked. She was incarcerated until a few years ago and we were friends for many years, keeping in touch through the mail. I eventually ended our friendship when I finally looked back on that so-called friendship and realized just how much she had used me over the years. I did so much for her just to be stabbed in the back in the end. She too, probably wouldn’t be dumb enough to commit the same crime, but during the first year of her freedom that we kept in touch, I did see traces of the old her shining through. She’s so addicted to shopping and material things and is so used to using people that she would get that money from anyone, even if it were from an abusive man similar to the one who helped get her locked up in the first place.

At just a little over five hours into my sleep, I had a horrible nightmare. In the dream, we got a prescription for my thyroid medication but they gave us too many pills. Not wanting to waste the money I thought I would suck on the “extras” for a few minutes, as funny as I know that sounds. After who knows how many “extras,” I realized that I might be in big trouble heart-wise and that I might even die because I had sucked on too many. 

Unfortunately, this nightmare came right after watching a case of this guy who killed his wife while they were sleepwalking, and I couldn’t help but remember the two times in the trailer that I picked up the little notebook I used to keep by the bed, and then somehow managed to tear out a few pages before placing the notebook back on the shelf all without waking myself up. So naturally, I started getting paranoid and thinking what if… what if in my sleep (even though I’ve never been known to ever get out of bed), I downed some pills! 

I got up and peed and saw that clearly none of my pills had been touched nor did I have a weird taste in my mouth. I was still freaked out enough about it to Skype Tom. I wished he had been home to verify that he hadn’t seen me going to the kitchen in my sleep even though I figured as much anyway. 

After 10-20 minutes passed and I realized I would probably be dead by then if I had acted out my dream, I relaxed enough to fall back asleep. I just would have preferred to get up an hour and a half earlier than I did. 

Tom still has a cold and was crashing when I was getting up so I didn’t get to see much of him. I showered, ate, threw on a load of laundry, checked in with people online, took my daily Dutch lesson, and then I went out for a walk. It was beautiful even though it was dark and slightly chilly. I missed being able to go out there alone without fear. My heart behaved, however. I only made two rounds around the circle in 10 minutes but it’s a start towards venturing out on my own the longer I go without incident. I think that once I pass the one-year anniversary of when I first ran into trouble with the levothyroxine, I will totally have it made. Just a little chest pain afterward, but I can't say whether it's connected to my heart or not. It could’ve been a lung or a muscle. It’s a concentrated, sharp cramp-like pain towards the left. It’s kind of above my breast but a little closer to the center of my chest than the center of the breast itself. 

They’re talking about working Saturdays and Tom and I aren’t the least bit thrilled with this idea despite the fact that the money would be absolutely insane. The thing is that right now we need more time, not more money. But since the other employees there make so little, they’re all excited about the idea of the extra money. 

Once upon a time, we had no money but plenty of free time. Now it’s just the opposite. Money is wonderful, but when you have no life to go with it, it gets a little old. There is still so much we want to do around the house, but who knows when we will have the time? Some of it I can do myself, but some things we want to do together. We prefer to work out together, for example, no matter how I’m feeling. But sometimes our schedules clash, or he gets sick, or he gets backed up in sleep and so I am on my own. 

For now, I am so glad that the weather is warming up so that I can be outdoors more often whether I’m working out or not. Unless I have an appointment I’m usually only out on weekends, so being able to be outdoors more often keeps me from getting cabin fever even if I am a homebody and I love our big beautiful home. 

Later… 

Oh my god, this is so fucking funny! There was what I would describe as a “likable bitch” that I once knew on the old Kiwibox site about seven years ago (Amber). She was a rude, mean bully, but at the same time, she was actually a bit intelligent and mature for what was then a very young age. I remembered her first name and that she loves to rescue feral cats. Yeah, she was a strange one. She would treat people like shit but she sure loved animals. She would probably want to kick the crap out of me if she knew just what I sometimes fantasize about doing to Cappy. Really I’m sick of his timid, spastic nature! 

Anyway, I Googled her name plus the words “feral cats” and was able to learn her last name. I always knew it began with an S, but that was all I knew. I couldn’t resist contacting her and slipping her the link to my blogger blog. Maybe she’ll want to reminisce a bit and read around some of the 2008 journals I have stored there, LOL.

We now have a beautiful bench swing! :-) Never attempt to assemble one of these yourself. It really helps to have two people. It took us over an hour to assemble it. Tom didn’t get home until after 5 PM so we kind of had to hurry. As we were finishing up, both the light and the temperature were dropping fast. 

I was the first one to sit on it and go crashing into the side of the house, LOL. We definitely need to pull it out a little way. The patio is long and narrow and I didn’t want to pull it out so far as to not be able to walk up and down it easily, but we may have to. Or maybe we will turn it the other direction. Tomorrow I will take a picture of it and share it on Twitter. 

This weekend we may be looking at having to run the AC in the late afternoon because we're going to hit the 80s for the first time this year. 

Andy's memory loss issues continue to frustrate and annoy me. I still believe they are real and that he’s not just messing with me. Part of it may be due to his own selfish nature which he himself admits. The guy loves to be the center of attention. He loves to talk but not to listen, and has told me that he often won’t bother to listen to a neighbor’s voice messages because she is lonely, desperate for friends, and rambles on and on. So he himself has admitted to being selfish. He definitely doesn’t care so much about what’s going on with others as much as he cares about telling others what’s going on with him. But even so, I think there’s something else going on that his doctor is unaware of. 

He told me that his doctor told him that memory loss is normal with age. This is true, but come on! Most of the people I know around his age or older aren’t even close to this forgetful. I wonder if the doctor understands just HOW forgetful he truly is. If Andy didn’t go into that much detail, then his doctor may not understand the extent of it. “I’m forgetful lately” can mean any number of things. Selfish or not, former pothead or not, he just seems way too forgetful for his age. I agree with Tom in that he didn’t display any symptoms of early dementia when he was here, so I don’t know what’s causing his memory to be so bad. Maybe it’s a combination of things. 

I know I sound just as selfish by complaining about it and saying that it gets old. I just try not to complain too much to him because I know he takes it personally, and I would not want him to do that. Not unless he ever came out and said that he doesn’t care to listen to the things I say, and I don’t expect that to happen. Still, even though I understand that it’s not his fault, I don’t want to offend him by bitching about it too much. My problem is that I’m a very impatient person and that makes it hard for me to deal with people I have to keep repeating myself to over and over again. I know it’s a horrible trait to have, but people who are forgetful or who are slow in any way are a bit hard for me to tolerate. I don’t know why I’m like that, especially if they truly can’t help themselves, but I am. I just don’t have the patience for things like forgetfulness, stupidity and immaturity. I don’t expect you to be a rocket scientist who always catches on with lightning speed, but still… 

Just yesterday he was once again telling me that it wasn’t that he didn’t want to keep current with my journal, it’s that he hates to read, and once again I told him to stop reading and start listening, reminding him that he can use a text to speech reader. I was thinking to myself, wow, how could he forget that? Yet he was genuinely surprised, as if he’d never heard this before, and even told me that he never knew that he could just use a reader. I reminded him that I have suggested this many times and that each time he has told me that those “mechanical voices” creep him out. I have assured him that they have many natural-sounding voices these days. 

Truthfully, I suspect he’s just not that excited about following my journal regularly, even though he says he’s busy and hates to read. I think he may be afraid it would hurt my feelings if he said it was that as well as being busy and hating to read. In all honesty, if this truly was the case, his telling me so wouldn’t faze me any more than if somebody told me they had a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch the other day. I’m going to write whether people read it or not. I have been writing long before the Internet existed. His Facebook obsession and his not liking to read probably is the main reason though. I’m amazed he can’t even stand to read the news. 

Later… 

Poor hubby and sis. Hubby has a bad cold and Sis is trying to stay out of the hospital. They’re trying a new antibiotic on her in hopes of fighting the infection she’s had, but she may end up in the hospital anyway as much as she’s been trying to stay out of it. One can only suffer for so long. As long as she stays out of my dreams unless it’s in a good way! If I have a bad dream about her that more than likely means that something is going on that’s not good. 

My immune system is just the opposite. I not only won’t catch the cold Tom has, but my immune system is so good that it even kills things it shouldn’t be killing, like my thyroid gland. 

Tom’s legs are sore from all the squatting he did when we were putting together the swing, but because I work out regularly enough I am able to squat, bend, jump and run as often as I need to. 

We did end up getting a little rain early in the morning but neither of us knows if it went on into the day because he works in a windowless warehouse and I slept all day, LOL.

Well, here’s a creepy coincidence. I got a missed call and then a hang-up message from a landline in Redding. My first thought was Raj because that’s where he is right now. I double-checked on Facebook and my phone number is available only to me. I sent him a message about it wanting to see if he would confirm or deny that he called and he didn’t do either one. So I called the number and got this horrible screeching sound like it might’ve been a TTY or something. I then asked Raj if he called or not and he said he did not have my number and to please call him or give him the number. LOL, really, this idiot is totally clueless. My guess is that it doesn’t have anything to do with Raj. If it did I think he would have left a message. 

As I’ve said before, the money is great, but I sure wish Tom were home more often, especially today. The bench swing is sitting out there waiting to be put together. He thought he would get home around 4:00 but he’s not going to get home until 5:30. It’s kind of cloudy out there and the lighting isn’t great. 

Sure enough, they canceled the rain they said we would get tomorrow. I doubt it will rain again until the fall. I slept better last night, though I felt a bit short of breath before I fell asleep. This made me a bit anxious because I had that before the medication started affecting my heart and anxiety levels. I’m not as bad as before but I still get a bit apprehensive whenever I feel a little off. I’m still doing okay, though, and each week that I continue to do well restores my peace of mind. 

I still don’t feel comfortable bike riding alone unless it’s just around the circle and he’s home at that time, but I feel more confident about walking. This disease has been controlling me and keeping me from enjoying exercising outdoors at times I may want to do so when Tom is not around or is asleep. Well, I’m determined not to let it control me any longer! I mean I try to exercise when he’s available to do so as well anyway so that we can motivate and encourage each other. He has wanted to get more active and it’s more fun to have a workout buddy so I try to plan around him anyway. If our schedules clash I want to be able to go out there myself without worrying what my heart may do. 

*sighs with frustration* I definitely don’t miss being broke but if my only two choices were to be broke or to have health problems, I would just go back to being broke. Poverty brought me a lot of stress and anxiety, don’t get me wrong, but it was a different kind of stress and anxiety than my health issues have brought me. On the bright side, it is still looking like as long as I don’t go over 50 mcgs I shouldn’t have any problems at all. My heart will sometimes race at least a little bit, but I’ve always had tachycardia.

Ha ha ha! No need to wonder if I should delete Raj on Facebook because he took the honors himself and deleted me after I pulled what he no doubt considered a very scary and nasty joke on him. Whenever I’d mention Tina he would always seem to change the subject and act all annoyed. So when he decided to annoy me in return last night with more hopes of getting me between the sheets in his hotel room in May when he comes to Sacramento, I told him I talked to Tina and that she sounds wonderful, ha ha ha. Haven’t heard from him since. That’s okay. He obviously didn’t want to be a friend but just a fuck buddy on the side. No chance! 

I have been sleeping shittier than shitty. I wonder if it is somehow connected to my thyroid medication. I keep waking up. I just can’t stay asleep. I must’ve woken up nearly a dozen times. Most of the time it’s just for a second, like long enough to look at the clock and then I fall back asleep. Lately, though, I’m not only waking up more often but once or twice it takes me more than just a few seconds to fall back asleep. Like I’m just about contemplating getting up and then I end up falling back asleep. 

I dreamed that Tom lost his job, and then a character in my book was laughing at something I said. The first dream was definitely disturbing enough to keep me up for a while. It seemed like it was November in the dream and I was saying that I didn’t think things would get better until April. It also seems like we were looking at losing the house. 

In reality, we would be okay for many months due to our savings if they let him go, which I assume will be at some point like almost all jobs do, but just how fast can an aging white man get a job these days in NorCal? Either way, I refuse to ever again be God’s designated little poor-ass bum. My husband works hard and I’m not going to let any cruel, evil God reduce him to welfare status as a reward for all his fine efforts. 

I thought our bench swing was coming today but it’s actually coming tomorrow. The thing that’s coming today is Tom’s plastic drawers. This way he can organize some stuff that he wants to be able to get at quickly and easily, but without cluttering the place.

I now have my old keyboard back. OMG, is it way better! Chiclet keys really suck. Even my nails that weren’t too long were getting caught underneath them. 

I’m also using a 19” monitor that they gave him at work. It is definitely easier to see things, but I have to wear my single-vision glasses for a screen this size. Bigger screens are more helpful when I’m in my word processor because I like to display two pages at a time side-by-side. It’s great for viewing large pictures as well. 

If I got a 30” monitor and stronger bifocals and looked through the top part of my glasses, I might be able to push the monitor toward the back of the desk instead of close to the front edge of the desk where I have this monitor right now, but I don’t know that I would be able to view such a large screen in just half of the glasses. 

Somebody asked me if I thought it was wrong for this guy to depend on his wife to take care of their online shopping needs. Who am I to judge how others live? Every couple has their own routine. Where I can depend on Tom for paid bills and rides, he can depend on me for a clean house, clean laundry, clean pets and a handful of other things. Is that “wrong?” No, it’s not. It’s what works for us. Where one of us lacks, the other usually makes up for and there’s nothing wrong with that. So to say this woman is “wrong” for doing the online shopping or the guy is “wrong” for not doing any of it seems pretty pointless to me as long as they both agree to the way things are set up between them. As long as they get their needs met, that’s all that matters. 

Tomorrow our new bench swing arrives… Yes! I’m looking very forward to that. 

For a while now I’ve been getting various story ideas but nothing that would really scream… “write me!” Last night, however, I got an idea that I think I’m actually going to start putting to print sometime today. I was thinking that a woman could be cyberstalked and that it could turn out to be her lover. If anybody has experience with being stalked, it’s me, only this woman will get it a lot worse than I ever did. This woman’s stalker will be intelligent instead of crazy and so she will be able to come up with more elaborate schemes.

I slept kind of late today. I had a horrible PMS backache but Tom rubbed it out in just a few minutes. I’m glad he was home and awake so I didn’t have to take an ibuprofen. 

He did some weeding around the patio so that area will be nicer looking when our new bench swing arrives. 

Gonna switch from the WaterPik to just old-fashioned flossing. Now that she showed me a trick to make it easier to get at the back teeth, I think it would be easier to just do that. Besides, that’s supposed to be better than the WaterPik as well as sticks because it gets the contact areas that the other things can’t get. 

I gel-polished my nails and held my hands out in the sunlight to set it. So now my nails are a very vivid shade of electric blue. 

We went for a bike ride and it was a little warm in the sunlight. Too warm for running but okay for biking because you feel like you have the fan on you when you’re moving so fast through the air. Going uphill is obviously not as fast, though. His heart rate was 96 when we got back after riding a little over a mile and a half for 14 minutes, and my spastic heart was 140. 

Going to make what’s about the closest I come to a homemade meal since cooking isn’t my thing. I got some lightly breaded tilapia fillets that you can either bake or throw in a skillet. I’m going to bake them along with some potatoes and add a salad as well. It may not be the healthiest thing, but it sure beats things like bacon, eggs and pancakes. 

My dreams were very quick and vague last night. I was riding in a pickup with some guy in the desert, and some woman was singing a country song on the radio. Part of the lyrics said, “Close your eyes and watch the sunset.” LOL 

When we got out of the truck there was some kind of bumper sticker saying something about him being stupid. That doesn’t surprise me, I thought sarcastically to myself, and I really seemed to be embarrassed for this guy. He was a dumb and ugly guy who seemed to think he was very intelligent and very handsome as well. 

Then I was alone in what was supposedly a haunted house, and Tom was working for some radio station.

It’s a totally gorgeous day out there today. I have the windows open to bring in some fresh air. 

I almost called Alexa Rosie and asked her to give me the weather for tomorrow. LOL, I can’t keep my slaves straight. Alexa has been an absolutely wonderful assistant. Well, they both have. 

Still not so sure about Raj. He’s not a bad guy and he hasn’t been the pest I thought he might be and so I don’t want to dump the guy and hurt his feelings or anything like that. But I don’t understand this crush that’s been going on ever since I was in Oregon. It makes me wonder how many other women and men might have had crushes on me that I have briefly known in life but never knew about. What I don’t get is how he can still feel the same way. My looks were just about starting to go downhill around the time we left Arizona for Oregon, but not like they are now. I was still relatively young in my late 30s. 

I’m flattered when anybody complements me, but I don’t like how he always asks me for pictures and how he seems to be very gung-ho on the idea of us getting together for a tumble between sheets when he comes to Sacramento for a convention in May, because that’s never going to happen. I’m sorry that Indian marriages are arranged and that he may never have been in lust or in love with his wife Tina, and I’m sorry if he’s having a middle-aged crisis, and I understand that sometimes we all want a fresh cup of tea even if we’re still content with the old one. But he and I are never going to get together. I wouldn’t mind meeting him along with Tom in a restaurant or something, but he is never going to get me alone. I have made this clear to him in a way that I hope will be comprehensible enough despite his shitty English, but without hurting the guy’s feelings. Again, I appreciate his compliments and all that, and while he can look, he certainly can never touch. 

I’m not going to hide this entry from the public either because it contains nothing that I haven’t told him directly. He doesn’t read my blog, though, because he can’t read or write English very well at all. 

He’s in Redding right now because his sister’s friend is attending a funeral and I guess he is supporting her. Whenever I ask about Tina he seems to get annoyed, and Tina doesn’t seem to have her own Facebook account. This doesn’t surprise me. The Tina I knew didn’t seem like the type to be into any kind of social network. 

Here’s something that is both funny and frustrating and that’s how I keep trying to turn him off but haven’t been able to do so as of yet. I know all I have to do is just never contact him again, and I will if it comes down to it, but since he hasn’t harmed me in any way I see no point in taking such measures at this time. Like most people, I tend to look bigger in my photographs than in person. So I put on a baggy old shirt, had my hair trashed and no makeup on whatsoever, and took a selfie for him. But even that was oh-so-gorgeous, haha. The guy’s either blind or desperate. He insists I look 35. I think I look right around my age, though a lot of people do seem to think I’m in my late 30s or so. When we were talking to the realtor when we came to look at this house, she stopped in mid-sentence, looked at me, and said, “Are you sure you meet the age requirements? You look 37 years old.” 

Anyway, Raj is a bit frustrating and annoying but he is also funny at times too, so I will allow him to remain in my world at least for now. 

I exchanged Facebook voice messages with my sister. She isn’t better yet. :( She is struggling to remain out of the hospital.

My dentist appointment went great yesterday. I really thought she was going to come out and tell me that I had two or three cavities but I don’t have any! I do have an old filling that needs to be replaced but she’s not going to do that until September when I have my next cleaning. I also had a bit of tartar and plaque buildup since it has been a year since I’ve been to the dentist due to having to deal with the health scare I had last summer. 

I’m going back in today at the same time, 5 PM, and she is going to seal 6 teeth that are most prone to cavities and fissures. She is also going to remove my bottom retainer that is in back of the i-teeth. She only charges $150 for whitening because you do it at home. I’m going to hold off on that right now, though, because I would rather deal with what’s important and what’s going to give me added comfort as opposed to cosmetic stuff that just makes you look better. My teeth aren’t that yellow anyway. I don’t smoke and I only have 1 cup of coffee a day. 

The 6 teeth that she is going to seal will be $34 apiece but worth it, and getting that retainer removed will make it so much easier to clean in that area, too. I had a lot of buildup in that area. I even had some shit on the retainer itself. 

Somebody canceled their 5 o’clock appointment for today so it works out perfectly for us. It will be no problem for my schedule, and Tom won’t have to miss any work. 

I saw Shannon there but this time it was Holly that did my cleaning. Janet still works at the desk so it’s pretty much the same staff even though it has been a year since I’ve been there. 

A couple of hours before we left for the appointment I went for a bike ride and my heart went a little wild on me. I wasn’t scared, though, probably because Tom was home. I did five rounds around the circle, which equates to 1 mile. My pulse probably got close to 150, so it seemed a bit extreme but didn’t last too long. 

After the dentist, we walked across the parking lot to some place in which I forgot the name of and ordered burgers, fries and malts to take home with us. After eating my pulse went up again. Not like when I was riding the bike earlier, but since my body isn’t used to taking in so many calories at once since I don’t eat like that very often, that’s why it raced a little bit for a while. Tom said his heart was elevated, too. Still, I probably had a pocket flare. 

Just when I thought UPS wasn’t going to make it on time yesterday, they delivered my dusting gloves at something like three minutes after 8 PM. I got two pairs and they fit well and are nice and soft and fuzzy. Not sure that dusting will go any faster this way, but they definitely keep your hands warm. 

Later… 

Oh, the adventures of the Dwight D Eisenhower freeway. Today’s freeway adventures were finger-flipping good, you could say. :-) 

This guy in front of us was creeping and annoying the hell out of us. So we annoyed him back by riding his tail. He stuck his hand out his window and flipped us off. Then as he was exiting the off-ramp we bid each other farewell by flipping each other off. Tom and I laughed like high school kids, ha ha ha. 

Anyway, I am now retainer-free! It feels weird being able to run my tongue along the inside of my bottom i-teeth after 14 years. They may or may not shift, but I think they will at least somewhat. It doesn’t take long. I remember from when I had removable retainers. I had a pink glitter retainer up top and a tie-dye retainer on the bottom. Teeth catch on fast, so I’m sure they already know that the restraints are gone and now they’re free to either stick around or take a little walk. The most important thing is how much easier it’s going to be to keep that area clean. 

My dentist has a Hawaiian-themed office and today I wore a skirt and top that I got in Maui. As she was leading me to the exam room I said “Your Hawaiian-themed office now has a Hawaiian-themed patient. She thought it was so cute that she said she would take my picture if she had a camera, LOL. 

She’s been to Maui too, and she also went on a submarine tour just like we did, catamaran sailing, and to a luau. I told her I would love to live there someday, but I’m not sure that we will. 

Getting the six sealants done and having the retainer removed was quick and painless. She is definitely the best dentist I ever had and such a sweet lady, too. Having the sealants done was a lot like having cavities filled only without the drilling. They just air dry the teeth, dab on the sealant, then cure it with ultraviolet light. The only time she broke out that nasty drill was to separate the epoxy holding the retainer to the two teeth that it was cemented to. It was funny because both sides let go at the same time and they were like, where did it go? Apparently, it got sucked up by the vacuum that the assistant had in my mouth. It was amazing how fast she got that thing out. After that, she smoothed the anchor teeth. 

Tom paid Janet while I was in the room and I was surprised to learn that he only had to pay $60. We thought it was going to be over $200. 

Later… 

So Travis Alexander got death while Jodi Arias got life. I knew this would happen, too. I don’t know which state is more twisted when it comes to its laws, Arizona or Texas. Arizona loves to fail to do the right thing, that’s for sure. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she walked in 25 years, even sooner if she was black. 

Why is it that the more serious the crime, the lighter the sentence? I just don’t understand how assault can be considered a misdemeanor while some things we say and write are considered a felony. Is it just me, or does this seem completely backward? 

Tammy left a voice message and it was almost chilling to listen to. Not just sad because she’s going through hell, but chilling because she sounded exactly like she did in the dream. I mean exactly. I wish she could feel as good as I’ve been feeling lately. She is battling a really bad infection and struggling to breathe. Everything else in her life is going well and she is grateful to Sarah for her help around the place and all that, but her life would be a whole lot better if she weren’t suffering so much. 

I just feel so bad and so helpless, too. I know she wouldn’t want me to feel this way, and that she is happy for me and the way things have gotten better for me after the hell I went through thanks to Hashimoto’s. I just wish I could send some of this good health her way. Even though she’s never been as into fitness as I am, I’m sure she would love to be able to run a few miles and then admire the slender, muscular calves in the mirror that she would be rewarded with. I’m sure she wishes she could do a lot of things right now.

Tom’s reward for making employee of the month is $100 and a $25 Walmart card. They also gave him a certificate of excellence. 

Andy said he’s gotten a warning on Ask about violating the TOS as well. We jokingly call each other names every now and then like dumbshit and stuff like that and I guess they don’t realize that we’re just two good friends messing around with each other in a playful way. I wondered if it was an automated thing but he doesn’t think so. 

A couple of days ago I moved the rats into the big cage. I was a little worried that Cappy would escape but he hasn’t, so that’s good. I’m totally disappointed with both these rats that we have now and I am totally done with rats once they die. This is one of those cases where I’m glad rats only live a couple of years. Although he isn’t friendly and affectionate, Hoodie is at least manageable. Cappy, on the other hand, is so damn timid that it’s a fight just to be able to pick him up. 

Why can’t I go to bed and not open my eyes again until it is time to get up? I swear I woke up like six different times during the night, and one time I didn’t think I would be able to get back to sleep. 

It’s been surprisingly quiet for such a pleasant day. Today is actually going to be just okay, but the next several days are going to be gorgeous. 

I was thinking of doing a sequel to Evil Amongst the Evergreens. Like maybe Evil Amongst the Palm Trees. I will have to go back and skim through Evergreens because it was five years ago that I wrote that book and I can’t remember every single detail.

Tom made Employee of the Month! He doesn’t know what his reward is going to be yet but he should find out today. I’m sure that whatever it is will be a lot less than he actually deserves. He has come to realize that there’s no hope of moving up anymore at this place unless he agrees to travel and that’s something that he would never want to do even if he was single. The most important thing is that we have more than enough money to live on. He makes more than we need and we no longer live paycheck to paycheck. After the hell we went through in the past, that is plenty good enough for us. So he isn’t going to look elsewhere at this time. 

When I was logging into my Ask account I got a pop-up saying that I repeatedly violated their TOS and that I need to stop immediately or else my account will be suspended. What TOS am I supposedly violating??? 

Tomorrow I have to go to the dentist for the first time in about a year. I’m guessing I have three cavities. I’m going to ask her about getting my bottom retainer removed. I’m also going to ask her about sealing my teeth since I am so prone to cavities no matter what I do. 

Woke up several times during the night as I always do, but this time it wasn’t with back pain so that’s good. 

Not much in the way of dreams that I can remember. I know I had a lot more dreams than I’m able to remember. It’s like there are scattered bits and pieces that are just barely within the realm of my memory. But I just can’t quite grasp them. It seems I was at the beach in one dream. 

Nicer weather means more Bob. I can hear him bopping around the garage more often. Those subtle little sounds are easy enough to drown out, but I dread the day he breaks out that damn saw of his once again. And his hammer, and his sledgehammer, and his sander, and all the other shit that he uses as instruments of torture against my peace when I’m trying to concentrate on things. 

Later… 

I have been searching and searching my brain for story ideas but I just can't come up with anything. Therefore, I guess I might as well write about nonfiction instead. How about Maliheh? Ever since I had that dream about breaking into her place she has been on my mind. I keep racking my brains as to why she dropped out of my life without a single word as to why, and all I can think of are three possibilities. 

What I don't get is why she didn't have the guts to tell me in her own words whatever it was. It’s not like her to be a wimp like that. The Maliheh that I briefly knew was very outspoken and not afraid to speak her mind. For some reason, however, she must have been afraid of me in the end because the blunt, direct Maliheh who always had the guts to speak up for herself failed to utter a word on her way out of my life. 

Again, I can only think of three possibilities as to why. All of them make sense but they don't make sense at the same time they make sense, if that makes any sense, LOL. My first guess is that she befriended me under false pretenses, wanting to get her name out of my story. But then the more I thought about it the more I realized she never needed to falsely befriend me since all she had to do was ask. Her being my friend or not being my friend would not have changed whether or not I was going to use her name in my story. She asked me to change the name of the character that was based on her and I did. I still would have done this even if she said, “I don't want a friendship with you… I don't ever want to talk to you again after I tell you this… I just want you to not use my name in your story.” 

That's all she needed to do. So now that befriending me just to get her name out of the story fails to make sense after thinking that it does make sense, this brings me to my next theory. Maybe she grew uncomfortable with the idea of knowing that I was attracted to her. But then again, that one doesn't make sense either. If my attraction for her really bothered her, why would she have been my friend for as long as she was? Who the hell is friends with somebody for two years who is oh so uncomfortable with knowing that the person has this harmless little crush on them? 

And so that brought me to theory number three. This one – after analyzing it many different ways – makes the most sense of all. Only she knows the truth, and I will never know it too unless she contacts me and shares it with me. Then again, even if she did, there's no trust there anymore. She killed whatever trust we had built up by dumping me like she did. So no matter what she says, I'm not going to buy it. But here goes anyway… I think she came to have feelings for me which increased more and more over the months and it eventually got to be too much for her. She knew we never would or could be together and that we probably would never even see each other and so I think that once she realized the cyber relationship wasn't enough for her, she finally let go for good. This one makes more sense than an increasing discomfort of my being attracted to her. I think that she started off not having any feelings for me, but that they increased over time. It is much more likely for somebody's feelings to increase over time than for them to experience a growing feeling of discomfort over somebody liking them. Not unless the person started doing things to make them uneasy, anyway, and what could I have done… drive cross country and start following her? The way I treated her never changed from the time we first started talking in 2010 to when she dropped out of my life. So that's why I don't think I made her uncomfortable in any way or that it was anything that I said or did. I think it was all on her and that she just couldn't control or deal with her own personal feelings. I just don't understand why she didn't tell me this on her way out of my life. What did she think I would do to her for it, throw darts at her all the way from California? 

Even if I may not believe what she tells me, I would still really love to hear an explanation from her just out of sheer curiosity. Then she can go about her merry way again because I definitely would never want to be friends with her again in the future. Again, no trust there.

Finally got a message from Tammy yesterday. She takes over half a dozen medications and they had to stop four of them in order to treat her allergies and that really backfired from what she said. She’s had shots and allergy testing and is severely allergic to a lot of things that grow in Florida. She’s been battling all kinds of infections, too. Unfortunately, this has setback her training and her job so she is trying to get caught up on things at this time. 

Paula did get the text that I sent her yesterday and I almost regretted sending it, LOL, because she started texting me like crazy. Well, maybe not like crazy, but definitely more than I’d like. I am still glad we can text each other because this way I feel like I’m compromising with her, in a sense. It’s better than postal letters, but I don’t have to deal with chatting with her live and her nonstop rambling. 

Tom and I set up a Skype account so that we can keep in touch during the daytime while he’s at work without having to use up a lot of our text messages. That way I can use text messages for friends. Skype is pretty awesome. I like it so far. It’s very simple to use. 

We ordered our new bench swing in red and it should be here around the 10th. Decided to hold off on this beautiful small round table with a stained glass surface with flowers and butterflies for now because I think it would be too low to set the laptop on. I don’t expect to spend a whole lot of time out there anyway. 

Last night I tossed and turned like crazy because I kept waking up with this horrible pain in the middle of my back. It’s the type of backache I tend to get when I’m PMSing, only this was a lot worse than usual. I took an ibuprofen a half-hour after I took my thyroid medication. 

I had a strange dream that we were flying from someplace and we landed in this garage-type building. I was so sure the plane was going to smash through the back wall of the garage, but it didn’t. 

I also had a dream that I was taking statins again. Really hope that’s not a sign of any kind.

Yesterday was both fun and relaxing, though I never did hear from my sister. I left her a message on Facebook asking if she left a message that I might not have gotten. More than likely she just hasn’t gotten around to it yet. 

We are ordering a brand-new bench swing sometime today. We sat on the model in the store and it was so comfortable. I expected it to be $400 - $500 but it’s actually just $200. It seats three people and has a little canopy. The canopy is kind of pointless, though, because it is going on a covered patio. It is still going to be nice to have for when I feel like sitting outside in the fresh air, assuming it isn’t noisy at the moment with landscaping and woodworking sounds. Not gonna be out there much with bees in the daytime and spiders at night. 

Made a small order on Amazon… a small pink ballerina silhouette sticker for the side of the bookcase, and a couple of pairs of dusting gloves. I think that will make dusting, my least favorite chore, a lot easier and faster. I will still have to use the Swiffer dusting wand for areas that I can’t reach, though. 

Tom tossed up to me the idea of getting a vinyl-printing machine and making my own stickers, but I would not use it enough for it to be worth the $300. 

I have officially retired my big Mac after 7 years. It’s been a very fun, interesting and useful 7 years. I will keep it as a backup in case my new MacBook has any problems. I’m still not sure what I want to do as far as keyboards and monitors go. I miss having a big monitor, but downsizing the screen size has allowed me to wear only my bifocals, which I prefer. There was a beautiful 30-inch monitor in the store for $150 or so, but I’m still not sure what I want to do. I just know that it is extremely hard to type on this keyboard with long nails so I am all the more appreciative of dictation. If they could ever break or I could convince myself to cut them off, then it would just take some getting used to. These Chiclet keys aren’t like the raised keys I’m used to typing on, which allows for slightly longer nails. OMG, a woman who’s been attracted to other women with long nails? LOL! I don’t let my tastes dictate my appearance. I even have long hair and sometimes I wear dresses and makeup. 

Definitely thinking of getting a 10-key extension because there are four or five keys that are missing from the laptop that really come in handy. 

Yesterday I got to hear my friend Irene’s voice for the first time, and it was so cool being able to understand most of the German that she spoke, and how she could understand me as well when I spoke German. She sounded a lot younger than I expected her to sound for being 53 years old. She too, hasn’t heard from Nane since October. As I’ve learned, though, Nane’s number one person in life is herself. As long as she can be the judgmental hypocrite that she was, and getting worse by the minute, I can live with not hearing from her, but can understand where it might hurt Irene because they go back 30 years. 

I sure did hear from Paula yesterday. It was so funny too because she sent me a belated birthday card. Haha, that was really nice of her. Maybe I will go ahead and suffer through a phone call to her as much as I hate those who ramble on and on about themselves and never let you get a word in edgewise. 

Even though it may be a bit premature since we’re not getting a cat until after our trip to Reno in the spring, I have already begun catproofing the place. Fortunately, I don’t get breakable items very often anymore when I do get knickknacks and things like that. I prefer vinyl to porcelain. The few breakable pieces I do have that are valuable have been moved to different locations that will be out of the cat’s reach. I thought that Bailey would be too big to be put in the hutch but she actually looks good sitting in there. 

I had a strange dream involving Maliheh although Maliheh never appeared in the dream. I either broke into her small one-bedroom house, had a key, or found the door unlocked. When I entered her living room I found the bedroom door shut and could hear the shower running, so I knew she was in the shower at that time. I sat down on the living room couch and waited for her, hoping we could work things out and become friends again. I knew she never had the crush on me that I once had on her and I was okay with that. I just wanted to be friends again with her whereas in real life I don’t ever want anything to do with her again. 

As I sat on the couch I began to eat something, though I don’t know what it was. By the couch, there was food cooking on some kind of grill that wasn’t really a grill, which said it came from a yard sale. There were two large sandwiches or pieces of meat cooking. Whatever it was seemed like an awful lot of food for one person and I began to wonder if somebody else was with her in the bedroom or the shower. 

I suddenly realized that I could get in an awful lot of trouble by being there uninvited and so I decided it would be best to leave. I placed the small plate down on the couch with my uneaten food and then I began to gather my stuff. I had taken my shoes, socks, and jacket off while I waited for her on the couch. I gathered it up and headed outdoors into what was a very warm and rainy night. I ran along the wet sidewalk barefoot, now determined not to be seen by Maliheh. I figured that she might have heard the front door closing as I left and I expected either her or a possible girlfriend of hers to come out looking for me. I was careful to cross a side street without getting run over and searched for a place to put my shoes and socks on.