Thank God, I finally got my grocery shopping done. I used coupons for my coffee that I’d saved. Also, I used coupons for stuff I didn’t buy. The cashier took all of them. She also gave me $5 back in cash instead of food stamps. How nice. Kim gave me 6 postage stamps and also took me to a bookstore. There, I intended to buy two journals with my $10. I was sick of never being able to shop or buy anything for so long. Finally, I said, “To hell with it. I’m on my last journal so why not?” She threw $10 in my face and said it was a gift. I was shocked and ended up buying 3 journals.

Once again I got up earlier than I intended to, but I did sleep 8 hours. I’ve been up since 2:30 and I’m waiting for Andy to call. He’s gone out to get himself a pack of cigarettes. We’re going to make some calls. He is, I mean, by using his 3-way. Of course, I never got to Food Mart last night but I figured Kim would back out anyway, even if I didn’t. Who knows if I’ll go tonight? At least I still have some food and right now I’m cooking chicken wings.

I wish I knew when I was moving and when all this court shit will be over. I want to move more and more as I’m isolated and abandoned more and more by Kim. I’m really pissed off about her getting me all psyched up about my ear operation. She really put on a good I’m-all-excited act and I of all people should’ve known better. I’m supposed to know people better and not rely on them, but her act had even me fooled. She really seemed just as excited as I was. You don’t do that to someone who’s always wanted to hear out of two ears. I feel so let down by her and so disappointed in her in so many ways. As I said, she has her own life and I respect that, but she should’ve told me she’d be too busy to do much of anything with me rather than lie. When I remember her saying how she moved me up here cuz Mark’s so quiet and boring it makes me laugh. What a joke.

Later...

Andy and I are making calls now together. We are using new phone names. He’s Paul and I’m Shauna instead of Daryl and Lisa. He’s going to leave a nice long message on Nervous’s boss’s machine all about Phoenix. It’s been so long since Nervous has heard from his favorite femmy. It’s about time, when he least expects it, to get a message. He’ll love it.

Later...

He is leaving Nervous’s message now and he’s reading from a magazine skipping every other word. Of course, he’s bringing up other fond memories such as how Sasha broke his desk drawer, Tracy borrowing $20 and the grand old time he had being our slave at the bitch. We’ve been calling people in PHX with funny last names. I also read to them from my journal skipping every other word. He’s getting tired so he’s calling Nervous cuz he’s probably at work now. However, Dick, his boss, will probably answer.

Later...

I just hung up from Andy who’s going to sleep now. We tried calling Feinstein’s Leather, but the machine still picks up. I was hoping one of them would answer but they probably know it’s us calling and are there but won’t answer. I called Nervous two days ago at Feinstein’s and he answered telling me he’ll call me within the next few days. I hope so. Two days ago, I also spoke to Fran and told him I couldn’t get a hold of him. I asked him for the number once again and sure enough, as I figured, he had accidentally given me the wrong number.

Man, oh man, is it raining out there. It’s been coming down hard now since I woke up. I’ve got this drab and sluggish feeling like most people get when it rains. I hate damp dreary days such as this unless it’s in the heat of summer. Then it’s more of a relief when it pours like this in the summer. I feel very tired as if I could take a nap. I’ve got to stay up, though. If I were to fall asleep I’ll be sorry and I’ll have my schedule fucked up again. On the other hand, I’ll set my alarm and only allow myself a 2-hour nap. After that, I’ll make myself get up.

Later...

I decided not to lie down. About 20 minutes ago, the phone rang and I thought it was Nervous’s boss calling to chew me out about Andy calling since they only knew how to get a hold of me. It was Tammy instead. She told me she ended up in the ER after an attack and told me everything they did. It was exactly what they did to me and they gave her Alupent and other stuff. They gave her shots, too. She said this all happened yesterday, but it’s acting up again. Now she realizes how scary it is, she told me. She said she can’t even smoke or move and I told her that’s the worst stage and the only way to get better is to go to the ER. Time is either your best friend or your worst enemy with asthma, just like with heart patients. Once it gets really bad like that, it won’t go away without going to the ER for an updraft and an injection of Ventolin. I told her to keep me posted.

What a boring day this is going to be. I wish I could get my shopping over with right now. Right this very minute. I also better go into Greenfield and sign up for fuel assistance from November-March. I’m quite sure I’ll be here through the month of November, so I’ll sign up. I hope to hell I’m not here through December and January as well. I’ll miss this apartment, but I’m so sick of being ignored by Kim 100% of the time. I only want to be ignored 70% - 80% of the time. Most of the time, not all the time.

I hope someone gets me an electric typewriter for my b-day or Chanukah.

In an hour and a half or so, I’m going to go get my bangs trimmed. The girl that does my hair is cute but has extremely short hair and there’s another one who’s drop-dead gorgeous. Really long hair, a nice face, a nice body, and oh so straight. Is there anybody else like me in this world? I mean, this is the type to bet on and always win. Betting on if she’s straight or gay. If I bet she was straight before finding out how true that is I’d win all the time. This is the type you know without asking, and are 100% sure she’s straight. Of course, I’d never ask anyway. Also, she’s good looking so she’s definitely mean.

Damn! There’s nothing like having the average guy want me, the average gay woman rejecting me, and me not wanting the average gay woman. I don’t want just about any gay woman. I hate wanting a real woman and the gay ones look like men. Like I said, if I was looking for a relationship, that’d be unrealistic, but all I want is one night. One fucking night when I finally can experience lust and that real spark and then I’ll gladly go on carrying it in my head like always. Why is God so determined to stop me? How many more times must I go to bed with someone I’m not attracted to till he lets me have my way? If I can never go to bed with someone attractive, then God, give me the gift of not caring about looks like most people don’t. That way I can still have fun with a few one-night stands a year. I’m absolutely not going to get in bed again with an ugly or just a so-so person ever again. If I’d been straight, I’d get a zillion offers from all kinds of women. Thank God for one thing, though, and that’s that I don’t want a relationship and I’m not bullshitting. I’d never lie in this book and if I knew then what I know now, things would’ve been different. Like I said before, though, it’s normal in your late teens or early 20s to feel the way I used to whether you’re gay or straight. Everyone’s naïve and impractical at that age. But after you go through the experience of learning all about life and people, most people remain suckers and just can’t be independent and they’re desperate and they settle. I have self-respect. Same thing with singing and having a baby. I may have fooled myself about being a singer longer than I should have but I know now I’ll never make it. I don’t want to have a kid as much as I did but I do still think about it and was wrong about that, too. Yes, you do have to be rich to have a kid. If not rich, then close to it.

I fell asleep yesterday at 3 PM and believe it or not I managed to sleep till 3 AM. I woke up a few times, though, and took my meds. I have to take them again soon. For the last couple of days, due to changing my schedule, I wasn’t quite taking them regularly. As the Theodur is for prevention against attacks, you need to keep it up at a certain level in the blood. I ended up feeling like shit cuz of this and almost had a bad attack. Overall, it’s so good to be feeling so much better and those vitamins Ma sent really do help. No more getting one cold or flu after another. I was skeptical about those vitamins helping as you usually feel no difference. People will do anything to make a buck.

Well, the time has finally arrived for Shadow to be fixed. Earlier this morning Kim gave me the cat carrier and I took him to the vet where he is now. Luckily it’s so close. While I was waiting for them to open, I could see this building from where I sat on their front steps. I got there a few minutes before 8:00 but didn’t have to wait too long. I’m to go get him at 2:30. I already miss him and I love that cat so much.

A funny thing happened as I was on my way there. This car pulled up beside me and I thought the guy was going to offer me a ride. Instead, he said, “Aren’t you the girl I met at the barbershop who’s going to be a country singer?”

I wasn’t sure if he was familiar to me or not and I had only been in there once to ask the guy who owns and works there about trimming my bangs. He was the only one I spoke to and we never talked about music and I never went back again.

So anyway, the guy just said that he wanted to know my name in case I make it someday.

If I really did not speak to him anywhere (I’d remember as I’ve got a great memory) then maybe he’s connected to the police, Maliheh or the advertising company. That’s all that was said to me anyway, then he pulled into the driveway of United Bank. Since he never did offer me a ride, which is the usual case when a guy pulls up that you don’t know, maybe something’s up. Speaking of Maliheh, I still haven’t gotten a subpoena to go to court in Northampton.

Later...

In about 15 minutes I’ll be leaving to go get Shadow. He was very good about the trip over there, but he and I both won’t enjoy it as much this time. It’s really raining quite hard out.

I hope Peter doesn’t call while I’m gone if he calls at all. I need to ask him some questions about my thermostat. It works, but not on auto like the AC does. I’ll also ask one of the guys who works out back to come up and take my living room screen out again. It’s filled with spiders and a huge web. He came up here the day ma was here with a brush and brushed off the screen but it didn’t do any good. This time I want him to do that again as well as Raid the screen. I’ll go leave a note on my upper door for the guy just in case he does pop in while I’m gone.

I just spoke to Steve a little while ago and told him about CT. I also spoke with him more about my phone call case. I told him I spoke to Tammy. Yesterday Tammy spoke to Mark. Now I’m worried more and more and I just do not know what to think. So many people have said different things. Also, the same people have said one thing and then another. An example of that is, Chief B told me that I probably wouldn’t be fined as I can’t afford it. He also told me he doesn’t think they could afford to put me in jail and that the jails are overcrowded and it’s not the most serious offense. Carol, my lawyer, and Mark and Kim told me they probably wouldn’t put me in jail, but then in the Greenfield paper Chief B changed his story. He had said 2 years with a $500 fine or 5 years with a $1,000 fine. Also, Mark told Tammy that cuz the company I called is a big part of this town and cuz I’m in a small town, I may be fined or do some time and they’re really gonna push it as far as they can. Or I’d be on probation but maybe not allowed to leave the state for a while. Mark still feels I should get my tapes back in the end and I mentioned to Steve that my lawyer said the DA has to duplicate my tapes. He said that’s very true as it’s still my private, personal belongings. I’m determined not to let them win in this case as they’ve already gotten their number one wish - no more calls from me. Secondly, I can’t go to jail as I’ll get killed or beat to within inches of death. I would rather kill myself than be murdered. Having to defend myself against one girl in jail is one thing but not 3 or 4 or more girls. And you know they gang up on tiny girls in huge clusters and that most girls in jail are there for much more serious crimes. There are mostly big butches in jail who have beaten people or killed them and not in self-defense, either. A lot of them do it strictly for laughs.

Later...

I am listening to a bootleg tape of Linda I got from a record convention in Boston or Chicopee. It’s amazing how strong her voice is. All the time. Linda can always cut it in concert as well as in recordings. I doubt she’s ever sung like shit for one day in her whole life. Gloria, on the other hand, is usually not as good in concert. I have Gloria singing Don’t Wanna Lose You on tape from music awards and it was so pitifully bad. The look on her face, as well as her band members, was like, “Oh my God.” I have a few concerts on video of hers that are not too great, but that was the worst. I wonder how Linda can keep going and going without losing her voice or getting sore throats. Well, maybe I could answer that if I didn’t smoke and did my voice exercises regularly. As a smoker and one who doesn’t do her voice exercises daily, I’m a good singer. I know, however, I could be a great one if doing what I need to do to make that possible wasn’t so impossible. I know, at this point for sure, I’ll never quit smoking permanently no matter how much I want to or how sick I get. Oh well. You only live once.

A few nights ago I was feeling a little bummed, so I called NCC where I had a talk with a very encouraging and positive woman. Not only did she tell me she knew some very feminine professional and decent gay women, but she mentioned this thing called the Gay Alliance. It’s supposed to be geared towards having more stable and upper-class people meet. Besides support groups, they have dances and more feminine people in a safer, cleaner atmosphere. Less trash to sort through than you would in a bar. She told me that the reason why I feel as if there are no feminine gays, is cuz when you see a butchy one walking down the street, they’re so obvious. She then said I’d be surprised how many are walking around appearing very feminine. I still feel there’s one in millions and you know how I am. In some cases, this one especially, seeing is believing even though I’m living proof of one. I still say it’s bullshit and I’m a fluke of nature. Tammy mentioned seeing something like this in some paper out there so since I’m not gonna be here too much longer, I won’t bother. At least I hope to hell I’m not here too much longer, let alone jail. Now here’s the main point of the conversation I had with that woman, who, by the way, took my number to give to some people she knows, but I know better.

The woman named Nancy, now that I remember it, had an idea about Maliheh which I never thought of or considered after I told her the story. In my mind, I’d say she’s only got a 10% chance of being right, but I’ll write about it anyway. I have nothing better to do.

At one point during our conversation, I was telling her how every person I’ve ever wanted and tried to pursue, brushed me off or really slapped me in the face with serious rejection. The more I wanted someone, the more severely they rejected me even if I pursued them respectfully. Without getting pushy, I mean. I told her that is why when I want someone, I’ll never approach them again. Ever. I also expressed my belief that God is influencing these things to happen and that I didn’t know why. I could almost be sure that if I picked 10 ugly women and hit on them, 8 or 9 out of the 10 would be flattered and take me up on my proposition. The 1 or 2 that brush me off, would do so kindly. That’s more than bad luck or a coincidence to me. That’s a case of it’s not meant to be.

So anyway, I told her how interested Maliheh seemed and how she flipped on me when I left that “Dear John” message, as she called it. Nancy felt she had flipped cuz she really wanted me and still did and couldn’t handle my rejection. She said that people have strange ways of reacting. If this is true then I wonder why we never got together for a week. This happened after we met and not only did I sense maybe she wasn’t interested after all but knew God would not allow me to have her. Plus, yes I’m scared to death of people for so many reasons and that awkward feeling came over me despite how much I was attracted to her. So I figured, if I didn’t dump her, she’d dump me or time would go on with me never having her. I like to chase, guess and wonder but not forever. I also only want to capture for one night but I know it’ll never happen as long as I live. Like I said, to me, Nancy has a very very slim chance of being right with her theory. I believe she really didn’t want me after all and was truly pissed when she thought that I thought she wanted me. If she felt so hurt and rejected, then I’d think she’d try harder and not give up so easily and get as pissed off as one would get if they lost a winning lottery ticket for a million bucks. I’d like to believe Nancy’s right, but my past history tells me otherwise. There have been too many others who have found out I liked them through me or by someone else and believe me when I say they weren’t too happy. They were quite angry.

Maybe I should get a sign that says ‘I’m not straight, I just look it’ if I want to go out again.

As I continue to reverse my schedule I’ve kept quite busy playing with Shadow on and off all night. It’s amazing how much I love that cat and how much he loves me.

I wrote a song called A Light in the Dark. I’m very happy with how it came out.

I have spoken with Ma and Tammy both and have made a very final and definite decision. I’m moving to CT. I feel way too isolated here and have no way to save up for my goal. The expenses are just too high and it’s been the ultimate struggle of my life. There’s no bus line and Kim’s got her own life and is always very busy. I have no one and nothing. I’d hate to be involved with too many things and too many people cuz that’s how you get burned. On the other hand, when you’re completely isolated you’re safer, but you go insane.

I have to return to court on October 4th and if that’s not my final court date, I’ll just leave and say fuck it. Yes, I’ll lose any chance of ever recovering some or all of my tapes as well as my $80 answering machine, but I’ve got to split ASAP, and Andy can replace some of the tapes. Also, I wouldn’t want to, but I can live without an answering machine and can always get a new one someday. Plus, even if the DA were to say right this second, “Give Jodi O her tapes back and everything else you have,” they’re only gonna fuck with them by breaking them or conveniently losing them. sighs I’m so sick of people taking and breaking my things.

I will miss this apartment, and according to Tammy, the apartment they looked at is small but it’s a 2-bedroom, modern apartment where your heat is included. I hope I get the heat I pay for. I did with Carabetta and from what I heard they have that kind of heating system Carabetta had. No old fashion radiators. Also, it’s wall-to-wall carpet with laundry rooms and even an elevator. Since I don’t do first floors I guess I have my choice of second and third. If the third floor’s the highest, that’s what I want. So, as Tammy’s said, it’s small but at least I’ll have my family, a bus line, more things to do, and I’ll be typing for her for $30 or $40 a week and can save to leave the east coast.

I spoke with Andy the other night who made calls and he also blared some of the edits through the phone into my speakerphone and into my boom box. God, I’m so pissed just knowing only 10% of the material on all those will be recovered! All the time and money I spent on those tapes. Tapes that were totally blank. Songs from other people’s tapes I don’t have. Nervous and Fran convos I’ll never have again, crossings, and the list goes on. I’ll never trust anyone again and from now on anything private or personal is to be disguised to a T. I’m still so paranoid to write my own fucking life, thoughts and feelings in this journal, terrified that someone somewhere will, take, steal or destroy it.

I hate people, man! I hate fucking people! If I ever do meet new friends or eventually was able to settle for a so-so-looking woman in 10 years how can I ever trust them? No matter what she looked like, if I met a woman, how am I ever gonna handle it after Maliheh and all the others that fucked me over or just weren’t that great? How can I ever trust again? How can I ever believe or be confident in anyone again? How can I ever even have sex again? How can I ever get involved without pushing that person away? How can I get involved without running away scared? How can I ever have confidence in myself in a part-time relationship like I do as someone’s friend? How? How? How? How? How? How? How will I ever be able to handle a compliment without doubting the person? Will anyone be able to say they like or love me with me being able to believe them? Will I ever be able to trust anyone?

I think that over the last year after experiencing what I have and knowing what I do now I’ve come to know and accept that none of the above will ever happen. Even though 5% of the time I still wish I could have just one night with someone attractive. Someone I feel that sexual spark with. The type of character I usually can never get, I’ll never have sex again if my only choice is the same ongoing pattern. Never again is sex gonna be a boring chore. No spark, no sex. Just like with singing. No singing, no big 40-hour-a-week job.

Later...

Well, I managed to stay up until noon yesterday as I got my schedule screwed up again after 3 weeks. I only slept until 6 PM, though, as I woke up to the sound of Kim running her bathwater. My bathroom’s right across from the bedroom. And directly behind my bathroom is hers.

Tomorrow I was gonna go to the Big E with her but since I’ll never be able to go to bed and get up at 9:00 which is when she wants to leave, I won’t be going. She wants to stay till 4:00 or 5:00 which is much too long to need or want to be there. 3 hours or so would be different. Plus, she’s backed out on me so many times before that I don’t feel bad about it, and I said I’d do to those what they do to me from now on. Within reason, that is.

Now, I’m contemplating and toying with the idea of doing my writing in notebooks from now on. I’m not sure yet. Notebooks are cheaper and they’re easier to write in as the pages stay open better. Journals like these are more expensive but much prettier, durable and they’d last longer. Would I want to invest more money into something that very well may be taken away or stolen or something like that?

After being in Brattleboro and Valleyhead, remember how I said I’d always fantasize about being invisible? I’d lay in bed at home in Longmeadow late at night wishing I could snap my fingers and be there invisible. Once there, I’d go up to everyone who treated me like dirt and slap them upside the head. Well, now I wish I could be invisible and soundless, meaning if I screamed, talked or laughed no one would hear. Also any object I touched could become invisible if I so desired it to. If I could make this fantasy a reality for one single day I’d go to the police department and get my stuff, then go to any restaurants I could and steal the tips. I’d also be able to go to wherever my mother and other people I don’t like are and either punch them or just poke at their faces. Maybe rearrange a few items too. I’d also make sure I did this while someone else was there to see them freak out and think they’ve lost their minds.

Later...

I spoke with Jessie earlier about CT and she said she’ll definitely get those suits mailed out and see me in CT, if not here. I hope she puts enough postage on the envelope as I can’t afford to pay the difference. I’ll also get in touch with Steve, Jai and Paula. I won’t even bother to give my new number and address to Jimmy who I had a great talk. He got caught drunk driving so he lost his license and may also be doing jail time so he won’t be able to. He tried calling me but dialed the wrong number. Hank, I have not heard from in ages and when I call he never answers. Fran, I won’t bother with after I move. He changed his number like he does every other month which he had given to me over the phone. He either gave me a phony number or I copied down the wrong number. Chances are neither of the above is correct. He probably thought he was giving me the right number, but by accident gave me the wrong number. You know how stupid Fran is. Unfortunately, I’ve never gotten a call or a letter from Nervous, but it’s his choice to either contact me or not if he wants. I do wonder what he’s up to nowadays.

Later...

Hank called me an hour ago. He was in St. Francis Hospital in CT due to his heart. That’s what I figured. Hank gave me Mattie’s number and while he was on the line I called her and freaked her out with the edits. I wish Hank had 3-way and I hope Fran hurries up and calls before I move.

This time, when I tell Fran I’m moving, I will give him a phony number. He’ll probably try to get the number from Mom, but of course, she won’t give it to him. I have the feeling, however, that he’s lost Ma’s number and he’s always losing shit and lost my new number here when he moved to another floor in his building. That’s Fran for you. Luckily some people are stupid as it’s convenient for those who aren’t.

Later...

I made sure I stood up as late as I could and slept as late as I could. I ended up getting up at 7:00 this evening to reverse my schedule again. In another 2-3 days, I’ll be on days again. I need to be as I’ve got some errands and other things to do. Monday, Shadow’s gonna be fixed. I’ve got a form sent from Boston for half off as I’m low-income. Between Shadow’s shot and his being neutered, it should cost about $25. He only needs one shot, they told me, as he’s an indoor cat. Luckily males are cheaper to fix than females, but Kim gave me the money for this. That’s so nice of her.

Earlier I spoke with Tammy and told her everything about the calls, tapes, court and the search warrant. I wouldn’t have said anything if I knew it could be completely wrapped up by October 4th, but it won’t be. I didn’t want to upset her but she listened patiently and tried to understand and said she’d say nothing to mom and dad. It isn’t as if Mom and Dad would disown me, but you know how they are. They’d be very upset and I don’t blame them but they can’t really handle shit like that. Tammy asked for the number of Chief B, Mark, and my lawyer, and I gave them to her. She says she’ll call on Monday.

Mom was here last Friday the 13th. If anyone has to visit on Friday the 13th, it would have to be her. A double curse for sure. It was hell at times, of course. One minute she’d be ok, the next bitchy and bossy. She tells me she understands my feelings yet I still feel as if she wants me to be what she wants. I feel as if she’s trying to control me and doesn’t want to see me take any chances or succeed in any way. I feel she could care less about me wanting a part-time lover or a kid or to be a singer.

Tammy and I had a good talk about that and she told me to keep my chin up and to do what I want to do. How can I, though? I feel I no longer have any choice but to settle for what I don’t want, be it a job or a lover.

Mom called me from Tammy’s which is where she went after she left here the next day saying she’s going to be back Wednesday and we’ll talk. When I asked her what we’d talk about she told me she’d like to see me near the family and that family’s important. Asking me to give up my dream for anyone is asking way too much and proves to me all the more that she’s out to control me. At this point, however, I know I’ll never have what I want so I’ll just start doing what everyone else wants. Now I know for sure I’ll never be a singer so why not move to Connecticut? Plus, I know even if I went to a bar 7 days a week, I’ll never have what I want, so it doesn’t matter that I’ll be 100% cut off from that either.

Later...

I screwed up my schedule again. I need to try and get back on days as ma will be here Wednesday and Kim and I are going to the Big E on Friday.

I forgot to mention after I last wrote that when ma was here she brought some food, of course. At one point she and I were opening a big huge can of chocolate pudding. Right before we opened this huge can, I put my guitar up against the stove and was dying to play. I hadn’t played in a few months, put the string on that Bob got me and cut my nails which were really long. So what did mom do after we opened the can? Walked right into it, knocked it over and broke two strings. She’s sending me all 6 strings which I’ll probably get tomorrow. There are two reasons I’m sort of glad she broke them rather than me. That’s cuz she can afford to replace them and I can’t. Also, she sure was a lot nicer after she did that. She even felt guilty enough, even without me accusing her of doing it on purpose which I did to blow off steam. That was cruel to blame her and take it out on her but I guess being the way she is made it easier to do that. Normally I wouldn’t do that to someone. As I said, ma brought some food and two tank tops and a pair of pants. She hemmed the pants and also took in that gorgeous dress I got a few months ago at the sides.

We went out and browsed around the Yankee Candle Co. and ate lunch outside at their picnic table. We also looked into some other shops which are newly built and were mostly of jewelry and knickknacks and plenty of old stuff. She bought me a bracelet and some beads and some of that colored yarn that’s more like string. Last night I made Lisa, Becky and Sarah a beaded bracelet and also began to make one of those colored cloth bracelets. The one with the backward 4’s that’s sort of is like macramé, that the bitch, Michelle that lived with me on Locust St. taught me.

Speaking of good old Jenny C, we had our day in court on Sept. 12th, and as figured, it was dismissed. Poor Jenny. She’s no doubt rip-shitting pissed. I mean, she really wanted to get me good. Andy laughed when I told him about it.

Besides making those bracelets, I made another string of all my different colored beads on a wire string. This is the 4th one and it has a pretty clear glass heart on it and I hung it in the kitchen window/door on a suction cup. I also made a placemat and intend to make 5 for Tammy, Bill and the girls but my first one’s just a wee bit too small. It would even look good hung on the wall. I made it by taking a rectangular piece of cardboard and cutting 18 little slits on the long ends. I took that stringy yarn and wrapped it round and round, hooking it into each slit, then secured it on the back with tape. Then I’d cut long pieces of regular yarn, double it and weave it over and under across the whole thing. After that was done, I cut the strings in the back half and tied them on the ends where I started weaving and finished weaving. Then I made tassels on the 4 corners.

Later...

Tammy and I, as I said before, had a long talk and she said that a lot of people made money when they first entered the music business by selling their songs. She said she heard this on MTV. I like the idea of that a lot but finding the address to send these songs to would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Andy said to try the library and look under music publishing. Good idea.

The reason why I haven’t been writing much in a while is clear. I’m paranoid. So afraid my privacy will be invaded. Got I hope I get those tapes back! It seems all my life I always end up losing the things that I love and care about so much. I feel like this is just too much of a punishment. At home, in Brattleboro, in Valleyhead and other places I’ve always had to fight to hang onto the things I need and love. I always lose. I hate it. I hate that trapped feeling. I hate it when I lose people as well as material things. Friends or people I liked as well as was attracted to that could give a rat’s ass about me and how I feel.

I spoke to my lawyer who reminds me of Tracy K. I told her I was gay and she said, “Me too,” as if she needed to tell me. Shit, you can just look and see that as you can with just about all gay women except for me.

As I began to write the last time, till court began, I ended up talking with Chief B and Carol for nearly two hours after only intending to get my papers and leave. It amazed me how much they wanted to get to know and understand more about me. They were quite sensitive and understanding, too. The first thing the Chief and Carol said is how they’re open to all kinds of relationships and accept people as they are. We discussed that and all the stuff I love to do and why I feel hopeless and trapped. I even ended up singing for them and they asked me. That was nice. The Chief, who thinks I’m attractive and let me know that when he met me, took a picture of me. They gave me one, too.

Well, anyway, last Friday or Saturday night I did something quite bad. I mean, we’re talking about the most major setback and something I haven’t done since I was 17. That’s right. I cut myself. I actually cut myself. I lay in bed that night, desperately trying to suppress the urge to reach out, but knowing I couldn’t. Knowing no one was there. Wanting, wishing to be held, loved, communicated with. Trying to accept that I’d always be alone. Never ever being able to have the one-night stand every few months I want with what’s basically the wrong kind of women which is straight women. Feminine women. Trying not to think about Andy, Nervous, Steve, Jai, Paula, Jessie and Fran. Trying to block out the bad memories of the past. Bad memories of mom and any places she threw me away to. Trying to forget about music. Damn! It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I was supposed to move and have the beautiful apartment and area be enough for me, and not need or think about music, sex or anything fun in the past or something fun in the present. Once upon a time, Andy and I going to the parking lot late at night behind the temple was no big deal. Now I miss it so much. I’d just love to be able to do that right this minute. It’s funny the things we take for granted till they’re all gone and you miss them so much!

Tomorrow, I’ll write about the talk I had with Tammy and about the aerobics place next door.

Well, here I am in court waiting for them to open up. This is the case with the advertising agency that had all those answering machines I called and played with.

I guess soon I’ll have to go to Northampton for Maliheh.

When I went down to the station to get the papers for today I ended up talking with Chief B and Carol for nearly two hours.

I finally got myself on a day schedule and I’m gonna try and keep it that way for a while. Ma’s coming up in a week or so and I’ll also be going to court soon. I also need to go sign up for fuel assistance and I need my bangs trimmed big time.

Well, summer’s on its way out and it’s pretty chilly out now. Believe it or not, I put my heat on. They say it’s gonna be 70º out today and I hope so as now’s the time to do my sun tanning. I can’t tan when it’s unbearably hot and humid like it was a few days ago for 4 days unless I can swim in a pool or lake or the beach. Plus it looks so good and I tan easier now that I’m older. When I was younger I’d turn bright red and peel instantly.

Now, I have some good news I’m psyched about. Aside from this house with the first and second floor being the business and Kim and Mark and me up top, there’s a little tiny building next door. It’s part of the habitat too but it has only two floors and is much smaller. Each floor here is about 2600 square feet. The two floors there are about 600 which is just about the size of the Woodside apartment. The bottom floor is the fitness center and no one’s hardly ever there. There was a place on top for $300 a month which this guy who lived there moved out of. So, I left a message downstairs and George called me back and I told him all about Steve. So when I spoke to Steve he was psyched and he’s got an appointment with Peter M this Thursday at 10 AM. I can’t wait for him to move here! From what I’ve heard, it’s not as big and as fancy as my place and I don’t think Steve has a washer and dryer. If not, I’ll wash dry and fold his laundry with my detergent if he’ll simply help me tie up loose ends at the end of the month. Things like cigarette money.

I have more to write about later. Fran got 3-way.