I’ve ended my friendship with Alison who, BTW, is good buddies with BOTH Kim and Molly after leading me to believe otherwise, and who is probably also still friends with Kathy as well.

Before I get into these phony liars and their twisted web of deceit, now that we got the right tools AND damn good paint (Glidden), we finished painting Tom’s office and it looks great. Yeah, you can still see the “sand” underneath the paint that we’ll never use again, but otherwise, we have a nice, even beautiful pale shade of lavender. We love it! Gonna get new drapes for that room eventually in either plum or ivory.

It really helped to get a roller brush with a longer nap, other brushes, plus a thing that makes pouring the paint easier and less messy. We also got painter’s tape and this little bucket thingy that has a compartment you pour paint in when climbing up to the ceiling to do the edging, plus a smaller compartment for your brush. Once it all came back to Tom, since we haven’t painted since we left Phoenix in 1999, and we had the proper tools, it went very fast. If God hadn’t slammed so many fucking doors in my face by cursing me with this type of sleep disorder, I can see myself enjoying painting people’s homes. It’s a lot like coloring, only you have a very big coloring book. I’m pretty good at it, though I had a hard time keeping the roller steady at first. I think it’s most important not to settle for cheap paint. Cheap paint without primer requires more than one coat and doesn’t go on evenly. If we do any touch-ups later on, say if we scuff the wall with something, it won’t look streaky or uneven. That’s another cool thing he got was this little tube you pour paint in with a mini roller brush on the end that sort of resembles the wheel of an office chair. This is for touching up later on. We’ll eventually have one in each color we use.

I slept until noon and went out running. I jogged the way down and mostly walked the way back. Hopefully, my hips and thighs won’t be sore. It’s gotta be what’s keeping my weight from climbing even more cuz I haven’t been dieting worth shit lately. I never should’ve sat on my ass and got so lazy with the physical activity like I did the year before moving since I keep everything I gain. At this age, what comes on simply doesn’t come back off, so if I don’t want to go from 30 pounds overweight to 50 or more, I gotta keep running. I like the way it makes me feel regardless. I have more energy, stamina and endurance. Still don’t have the range of mobility I used to have, but we do lose our flexibility as we age and gain weight. It is nice to know we still have some control. No, I’ll never be thin again, but I also won’t have a face like Kim’s so bloated that it practically swallows my nose and lips. Yeah, I – uh – uhem – I can be mean, too.

There are a lot of things I could do and say where the chummy little threesome is concerned, but I’d like to take the more mature approach to the situation by simply writing about what happened in my journal just like I would in the pre-internet days, then be done with it and move on. You see, my husband is the only smart one in this household. He has no friends at all. Not because he’s unlikable, and not because anything’s keeping him from going out and making them, but because he simply has no desire to socialize. Hell, I’m not a social butterfly either. At least I never was in person. In cyberspace, though, I’ve really gotten around, finding it fascinating to meet all different kinds of people in different parts of the world. My being multilingual has made this even easier to do. But it’s also caused me unnecessary headaches that I could certainly do without.

Andy said he finds it sad Tom has no friends and this totally baffles me. Why be sad for someone who is happy to be the way he is? If you want to be sad for someone, be sad for some poor miserable soul like Kim who hates herself so damn much that she can’t stand to be herself and therefore must pretend to be others. Be sad for the guy who has a heart of gold but can’t get a girlfriend cuz he’s fat, ugly and bald. Not someone who chooses to be what suits them best and makes them happiest. That’s like a straight person feeling sad for a gay person. I mean, why bother? Because what makes the straight person happy doesn’t make the gay person happy, too? Because it’s not “normal?” Well, others can do what they want and we always try not to judge others for how they choose to live, but we have no desire to stick to the “norms.” If it works for us, why change it, normal or not?

Another reason Tom doesn’t have a network of online friends is that he’s never really been interested in doing things that puts him in the public spotlight. Andy and I are into things where anyone can find and contact us easily enough. Tom doesn’t blog or care for sites like Ask or Twitter. He has some accounts because he may need them to enter contests, but his main online activities include games, TV and the news. No one’s put any chains on him. If he decides to make friends on or offline, he can. Meanwhile, as long as no one’s being harmed, people should have the right to do what they want. Do I feel guilty for looking out for myself by not being too sociable? Absolutely not.

What Andy did say that makes sense is that it’s better to make friends in person cuz online you don’t know what’s going on. He has a point there, but it’s also easier to cut ties with those who don’t live near you. So while I don’t care to “switch” to in-person friends, he is right about that much. Cyberspace is like walking through the woods at night. You never know what’s hiding behind the tree you’re about to pass by.

I haven’t been open to new friends for about a year now, it’s been working great for me, and if someone wants to get all sad about that and not for some poor innocent child dying of cancer or something, fine. I make no apologies for how I am, as always.

Anyway, after what I recently learned, I can kind of understand Andy’s trust issues and his desire to remain alone. Right now I am questioning almost everyone and everything I know, and I too, and wondering what/who I can believe. I’m tempted to drop everyone I never actually met in person, but I can’t see myself doing that to Nane, Adonis, Paul and others. Not unless they give me a reason to. This is getting kinda long, so let me post it, then I’ll finish the rest of the story when I have time. LOL, poor suckers have probably been stewing in nervous anticipation of just what I may write and when.

Later…

Ok, to finish the Aly and trolls saga. Will I post sensitive info? No, I won’t. Will I hold back from telling it like it is? No, I won’t. If they have a problem with that then they should’ve thought about this up front, and they should stop reading my blog, too. But sadly, while I may be done with them, I’m sure they’ll follow my every word and movement for life. I just wonder (and worry) how bad Aly’s going to become. She’s not crazy like Kim and Molly. She’s actually very intelligent. So hopefully, regardless of how hard she may take my discovering her lies and being dumped, she won’t lash out in ways that’ll annoy the shit out of me till she either gets sick of it or gets herself in trouble. I don’t think she will, but then again, I didn’t think Kim would turn on me the way she has either. Time will tell, but I’d like to think she won’t be a problem as far as trying to contact me goes.

I’m not perfect. I’ve made mistakes. But I always try to be a good, honest person and do the right thing, especially when it comes to those who have always been good and honest with me in return. I know that while God may or may not be for real, along with the afterlife, karma is for real. Therefore, I’d rather just end it with someone who’s wronged me rather than seek revenge on them. I’m too busy for that anyway. I hope they’ll do the same in return with me, but if not they’ll be the ones to deal with the consequences in the end more so than I ever will. Aly may be FBI, but I’m psychic. :) Not a threat; just a fact.

Then again, is she? Is she really with the FBI? Is Alison her real name? Does she really live in the state she says she lives in? Is she really the age she says she is?

There is nothing that shakes the very foundation of one’s ability to trust more than finding out you thought you knew someone that you really didn’t know at all. I can tell you she’s smart. I can tell you she’s a good writer. But at this point, I can’t tell anything else.

What is it with people? They lie, they cheat, they can’t accept you as you are, they judge you, they two-face you, they betray you, they try to control and change you, they stab you in the back, they pretend to be who they aren’t, etc. So… if we’re not presently friends, I don’t want to know you, and again, I make no apologies for doing what I feel is best for me. We bomb our homes to keep bugs away without regrets. Well, I’m closing doors to future friends to keep bullshit away… also with no regrets. :) The fewer friends the better. The more friends the more you get caught up in people’s bullshit.

I’m just glad I didn’t give Aly our exact address. The reason for this is because we’ve never been pen pals and I never expected us to be. Therefore, if anyone hacked her email account, my address wouldn’t be included. She could probably find out exactly where we live if she really wanted to, and while I used to worry about others having our address, I realize that’s a silly fear. What could they do with it? Come visit me? Send me a dead rat? Wish some of them would come visit me!

Anyway, to cut to the chase, I cut ties with Kim over a year ago for two facing me. She’d be sweet and kind to my face while dishing all kinds of hate and insults anonymously till I finally caught her at it. She would also lie to others I knew and eventually, I couldn’t tell fact from fiction and so I let her go. When I confronted her on my way out she reacted with a classic guilty reaction by deactivating the account she harassed me from, blocking me on others, and then trying to turn it around and make it look like I was the one bothering her. I thought that like most people, she’d eventually calm down and move on. Instead, she has been stalking and harassing me every chance she gets. She stalks more than she harasses, though, cuz I do my best to make it harder for people to contact me. I suppose I should open as many doors as I can to this crazy bunch, as the more unwanted shit that gets archived, the more they could get in trouble for it, but I’d rather not bother right now. Waste of time.

I guess I’m not going to finish what happened in this post either. Maybe next time!

Later…

Let me sum it up in a nutshell as to why I cut ties with Alison, then I’ll expand from there. She led me to believe that she dumped both Kim and Molly ages ago for harassing her. She told me she gets the “occasional” email from Molly, but that’s it. She even (supposedly) created an account as Kim and with Kim’s pic, which I believed was retaliation for her constant prying eyes, lies, phoniness and harassment.

And then I found it. Numerous accounts of both hers and Kim’s and even one that’s connected to Molly. Yes, Aly, Kim and Molly are ALL damn good buds and it appears they’ve been this way for some time now, especially Aly and Kim. They’re probably still buddies with Kathy too, even though the only one that supposedly is still her friend is Kim.

As I told Aly directly, it isn’t who she’s friends with that’s a problem. She has a right to pick and choose her own friends. It’s the fact that she’s lied to me about it, along with other things. Some things I can’t prove, but I trust what my gut tells me. In fact, I could kick myself for not listening to it sooner. I’ve had my doubts and suspicions on and off where Aly’s concerned, starting when I caught her telling Kim on Twitter that I was only telling Kim I had the cops after her to scare her off. This was supposedly to get Kim’s ass off of hers and to calm her down. By giving me away like that? Oh please! Just fucking please! I was horrified to see that. What a fucking traitor, I thought, but sure enough, she had her perfect little explanation waiting and ready to fire at me and I was dumb enough to fall for it. I guess back then I chose to see the good in Aly and I didn’t want to give that good side up. But now there’s been too many lies that have left me with too many doubts and suspicions. I have to let her go, good side or not.

I also have reason to believe she was behind the Karli M account and she was the one accusing me of harassing Molly and writing like Adonis. Kim wouldn’t be smart enough to do that, but she would be. I always suspected Kim had help in that one. I just never thought it would be from the person that was supposed to be my friend and that I thought I could trust. Kim and Molly may be crazy, but Alison and Kathy aren’t. Kathy’s mean and Alison, apparently, is a liar. Why the hell would someone tell you they think of calling someone’s local PD all the while being friends with them??? She hates her, she loves her, she likes her… I can’t figure her out anymore. I just can’t.

I also realize that she could’ve very well been involved in some of the harassment I’ve received on Ask as well as harmless questions she was, for some reason, afraid to let me know were from her. Maybe she’s the one who asked why I think racism is overrated. The point is that if she can two-face Kim by being buddies with her on Twitter while making fun of her in an account in her name, she can be doing the same thing to me. I don’t give a shit what they do in my name or what they say or write about me as long as they stay away from me, but as I told her, it’s gotten to the point that I can’t tell what’s real anymore. The lies, the excuses, the phoniness… I don’t need the drama. She’s killed the trust I had in her and frankly, I don’t know that I could believe a damn thing she says. Friendship must be based on trust and if there’s no trust, there’s no friendship. At least not for me. I have enough self-respect for myself to pull away from those I’ve caught in lies.

I guess that just like some women are drawn to abusive men, some people are drawn to toxic friends. She chose to tweet multiple times a day, every day to this proven lying, phony, obsessive stalker while ignoring me, someone who’s always been good to her and honest with her, for days on end. That alone tells me what kinds of “friends” she prefers to have.

She said that while she’s made mistakes and feels bad about it, I believe/see the worst in her, but it’s not a matter of what I believe; it’s what I see. It’s what she’s proven to me. I’m not just guessing anymore or suspecting she may be lying and maybe even into worse things than just saying she’s not friends with those she is friends with. Take the constant changing of accounts and email addresses for example. That’s usually a sign of someone trying to cover their tracks, but I was dumb enough to fall for her line of “I’m trying to escape and hide from so and so” or “I lost my PW and don’t remember the email for that account or “I just can’t log in.”

It all began when I went hunting for some of the dozens and dozens of Kim accounts on Twitter to block them. Sure I knew she’d just create new ones, but why make it easier for her? It was when I stumbled upon one of Kim’s Glee fan accounts that I found one she tweeted to and thought, hmm… that seems like a name and avatar Aly would use. When I realized it was indeed her I was a little upset but my first thought was she was only following Kim to see what shit she may be up to without letting her know who she really was. But when I saw that she mentioned her interests, her location, her cat, every single suspicion I’ve had about her, if only for a fleeting moment, went flashing through my mind and I said, “Ok, we’re done. We’re definitely done now.” Then when I found another account of Aly’s that’s connected to both Kim and Molly, I said, “Ok, we’re doubly done. No doubt about it.”

There were tweets about setting up accounts on MO and MM, whatever the fuck that means. Anyone know what MM is? Molly also said something to the effect of pretending to be Jodi. I asked Tom if I could go down for any accounts they created in my name that they either made threats from or did anything illegal from, and he said no. So fine, let them entertain themselves. If anything, Aly made escaping the other trolls easier for me cuz now there’s no connection to them. But she can have the fuckers. If she feels crazy liars are better for her, hey, it’s a woman’s prerogative, right?

Aly told me she was happier spending more time offline and I would often go days without hearing from her. In reality, she’s been scrabbling her little heart out and tweeting away with Kim daily, who she says that when you look beyond her obsessive ways is not that bad. Not that bad? Not that bad?!?! I guess we have a different definition of what’s not that bad, but being sweet and kind to one’s face while anonymously insulting them seems bad enough to me. So is telling lie after lie and impersonating others.

When I messaged Aly about the creation of the Karli account, she amazingly replied to me with perfect timing. You know, after supposedly being offline for days? Of course she denied it was her, and maybe it wasn’t. But I don’t doubt she at least knew about it and was behind leaving Molly comments as Adonis. Like a fool, though, I took her word for it when she denied any involvement.

There are other little things along the way that I thought were weird or that didn’t quite make sense, but that is for my next entry. My, my, I’m on a roll with the writing tonight, aren’t I?

Later…

I don’t wish any harm to Alison and her little friends. Just that she and the demented others leave me alone. What I mean by “leave me alone” is not contact me. I don’t want any messages, tweets, emails, questions, friend requests or comments. If they want to write stories, lies and blogs all about me, fine. Just as long as they stay away from me and let me move on even if they can’t. Kim and Molly especially have proven to feel nothing but contempt for me anyway so why focus on me then?

Despite feeling hurt, angry and betrayed by Alison’s… what would I call it, double life? Double side? Either way, it’s not like I hope she gets run over by a bus or anything like that. The others can stuff an exhaust pipe up their asses and go for the ride of their lives for all I care, but for some reason, I don’t feel that kind of animosity toward Aly. Perhaps because we had a friendship in the midst of the lies. We had something. Molly and I were never friends and Kim and I didn’t have shit either. We couldn’t build the kind of relationship Aly and I had or have the kinds of chats we had cuz they weren’t intelligent enough. Dealing with Kim and Molly was like dealing with children. They couldn’t do things like catch errors in my stories because they wouldn’t know what to look for. Aly notices things others don’t. And while a part of me will miss Aly who I once considered one of my absolute best of cyber friends, I will remember the good times and that’s it. I don’t regret what we had, I’m just sorry she felt she had to deceive me like she did. I really thought she cared about me as much as I cared about her. I loved the hell outa her. Not in that way, of course, but I must’ve felt something. I hung on long after she outed my intentions to Kim and I began to suspect other things she may not have been truthful about.

I’m sure if I let her “explain” this one she’d be quick to tell me something like how she’s investigating Kim or is just doing this to keep her off her ass. Being friends with her didn’t keep her off my ass. There she was all lovey-dovey to my face just to let me know what she really thought of me anonymously. Very mean, crazy, hateful person.

And Molly – ugh! Like an idiot, I gave her one of Kim’s Twitter account links on Ask thinking I was doing her a favor and that they weren’t friends, and asked her not to post it. Sure enough, the dumb shit goes and posts it anyway saying, “Wow, she must be bored.” rolls eyes Fucking idiot. Always has been, always will be.

Back to the “intelligent” troll, though I honestly don’t think Alison qualifies for being labeled as a troll. Just a liar and a traitor. The strangest story Aly ever told me was that someone hacked one of Kim’s Facebook fan pages and used that account to message her sister Carol to tell her just how fucked up Kim is. I immediately thought that was weird. Who the hell else would Kim happen to know that happens to be able to hack accounts like Aly can that would contact the sister? Why not just go directly to the sister from their own account?

It isn’t just the big things like finding she’s friends with the trolls, but the subtle contradictions as well. One time I had her run a trace on an email address for me and she said something about having her own way of looking up either email addies or IPs, but recently she told me she didn’t know much about IPs.

As I reflected on the lies I’ve caught her in and the suspicions I have that I can’t prove but am probably right about, I realized the impact it could have on me later on down the road. People sometimes bide their time to look less obvious, then they strike with a vengeance. Again, I’m not saying Aly will harm me in any way, but if she really is with the FBI, well, that may not be like being God, but that’s probably runner-up to the US Marshals. If she were just a regular pig, that’d be one thing. Local cops are state. But the FBI is federal and the feds have a lot more flexibility, which means a lot more potential for abuse of power. She’s supposedly an analyst and not an actual agent, but close enough. She’s also had hacking training for her former job. Now someone somewhere knew it was me who left some comments on MO. They were so damn sure of it. They “know their way around sites,” they said. Well, the only way to know it was me would be to hack MO and read their visitor log. Would Aly take such risks all for the identity of a commenter? I guess that’s for her to know and me to wonder. Still, has she hacked any of my accounts without me knowing it? Tom says anyone can get a hold of programs that the FBI uses to crack PWs of those they’re investigating. Even he has one. He used it for some documents he had online that were encrypted.

Time will tell what if anything happens. I’m sure they’re not going to show up on my tracker, and whatever happens, I will deal with it accordingly. I’d like to think Aly wouldn’t mess with my accounts, but as she herself says on Twitter, she’s all about having fun and exploring her boundaries. Well, she reached the limit as far as the boundaries of our friendship go, so now we’ll see if she stretches the boundaries of the law or not… and I will be waiting and ready to deal with it if she does.

When I made my last check of their tweets (no, I’m not going to peak in after tonight cuz I don’t care to follow those I dislike) there was Aly and of course her buddy Kim, too. That one ran because that’s what she always does when she’s confronted. She probably just blocked me instead of deactivated, though. The skitzo literally has hundreds of accounts. Aly said something about making decisions tomorrow. Well, there’s nothing to decide where I’m concerned. We’re done. I’m just a memory for her now.

Another thing that sucks is that my secret accounts obviously aren’t the secrets I thought they were as far as the trolls go. If Aly hasn’t done so already she could give her beloved trolls my email addy and links to other accounts that I don’t want them to know about. Just how “secret” is the Ask account I use to keep in touch with Andy? He offered to change accounts, but nah, they’ll only find it if they really want to. Kim and Molly probably wouldn’t have brains enough to find it, but Aly would.

The thought of me thinking that Aly was my friend while secretly laughing at the games she and the trolls were playing (or at least games she knew the trolls were playing with me) really pisses the shit out of me.

At first I thought of shutting down all my accounts and creating new ones, but I’m not running. I haven’t done anything wrong and so there’s no reason to hide. If I shut down accounts in the future it will be for reasons not connected to them. If I allow anonymous comments round the clock, that too, will have nothing to do with them.

Alison could probably find any account I create, and why block any of theirs? They’ll only create new ones.

I think she probably is with the FBI based on what I’ve seen and read. Her name, location and age are probably real, but everything else is hit or miss.

Do I really need any more hit-or-miss friends in my life?

The painting of the second bedroom is proving to be a mixed bag. Unfortunately, we ran out of paint and realized that the tools we purchased weren't suitable for the job. We should have bought individual tools instead of opting for the set. While the Palest Lavender paint itself is excellent and doesn't emit a strong odor, the texture we added was ultimately a waste of time. Despite thoroughly stirring it into the paint, the texture appears uneven, resembling clumps of sand on the wall overlaid with paint.

Furthermore, the thick and clumpy consistency of the paint made it challenging for Tom to avoid hitting the quarter round along where the walls and ceilings meet. We may opt to replace those altogether.

On a brighter note, I appreciate how mixing the primer into the paint means we only need to apply one coat. It effectively covers dark scuffs and marks, indicating it will also cover the remaining sections of dark paneling well. Regardless, the room is bound to look better with its new color.

The question now is how to proceed with the next rooms. Should we leave the strips and forgo spackling, opting instead for plain old paint and primer? Or should we consider renting a spray-on texture device to emulate the plastered appearance achieved in Jesse's trailer bedroom, which boasted the most modern-looking walls in the whole place?

Life otherwise remains unchanged - my dreams continue to feature one or both of my parents, the fight for marriage equality persists, racism remains prevalent, and the dry weather persists, albeit conducive to faster paint drying.

Later on...

It amuses me how many people equate weight with fitness. Thinness doesn't always correlate with good health, believe me. When I was thin, I couldn't run a mile non-stop, but now, as an aging individual carrying extra weight, I can.

Tom has also abandoned his diet. Losing weight seems impossible as we age, and any progress made often seems fleeting, with the lost pounds returning like a wayward pet finding its way back home. While I strive to maintain fitness through exercise and sensible eating, I acknowledge that weight gain is inevitable as I age. I may gain a pound every six months to a year, rather than every six minutes as I initially feared. Ultimately, my concern lies more with how I feel rather than how I look or others' perceptions of my appearance. I don't want to lose the ability to bend over comfortably due to excessive weight gain.

I'm genuinely curious how individuals like Kim, who weigh 330 pounds or more, find clothing that fits them. Even plus sizes must have their limits, right? At such a weight, where does one find suitable clothing?

It's intriguing how every time Kim visits my Twitter page, I'm recommended more of her fan club accounts, which I promptly block. I wonder how she manages to keep track of all the emails and passwords. This fixation, coupled with her refusal to heed those who have asked her to stay away, appears to consume her entire life.

Tomorrow, we plan to purchase more paint and a roller brush with a longer nap to ensure better coverage, as the current one didn't reach into the grooves adequately. We'll also need to replace the quarter rounds with new quarter or crown moldings. Additionally, painting the very bottom of the wall poses a challenge in the absence of baseboards. This is why I prefer to paint the entire place before installing the new carpet.

A follower made a valid point about textured ceilings accumulating more dust. While I appreciate their ability to reduce sound echoes, they do indeed attract dust, and attempts to clean them often result in more mess. Despite this, I still prefer their appearance over flat ceilings.

Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate! Tom and I aren't big fans of turkey, so we're simply taking it easy, enjoying various foods, engaging in online activities, and preparing to paint the walls of the second bedroom. We've removed strips from the wallboard seams and plan to spackle them with joint compound. However, we'll have to wait until tomorrow to start painting, as we want the spackle to dry overnight. It's essential to ensure the paint doesn't seal in any moisture.

The surroundings have been eerily quiet, a stark contrast to the usual bustle. Come Monday, the landscapers will resume their work, maintaining the vast expanses of common space and individual properties. Within another month or so, all the leaves should have fallen, hopefully reducing the need for daily maintenance. Personally, I'd prefer if they replaced the grass and maples with quieter plants, but I understand the appeal of grass and leafy trees. Not all yards here feature grass; some opt for gravel or bushes instead.

I've discovered a new method for copying and reposting old entries to Blogger and Prosebox. I hope I'm not overwhelming anyone on Prosebox with my frequent posts, considering it attracts more traffic than the other blogging platforms I use. Although it's relatively new, Prosebox seems to have garnered millions of users, mainly composed of former OD users dissatisfied with the platform's decline.

Alison created a fan page for Kim M on MO, using an exaggerated caricature of her face with oversized glasses. Despite spreading the link far and wide, Kim hasn't reacted thus far.

Later on...

I must say, I did an excellent job cutting Tom's hair today, and he agrees. Initially skeptical about the new trimming shears he bought, I found them surprisingly easy to use once I got the hang of them, albeit a bit tedious and time-consuming due to his lengthy hair. We set the shears to trim his hair to a uniform length of one inch, slowly passing them over his head multiple times to ensure each hair was cut evenly.

Unfortunately, we ran out of spackling for the bedroom walls, but we decided to use that room as a test area instead of rushing out to get more. Tomorrow, it will be painted a pale lavender, which we're both looking forward to.

I'm surprised Bubble Face hasn't updated her little fan blog. What's her next move? Perhaps impersonating me and calling Molly using my area code? It's infuriating to think about, and I find myself seething with anger. I haven't felt this enraged in a long time, especially towards someone who seems to revel in causing distress to others. If only that despicable person would face consequences for her actions.

 It seems my LJ posts are still cross-posting to Twitter, despite my protected tweets, all thanks to a certain nosy individual who can't seem to move on. Since I can't decide where to blog, I suppose I'll just blog everywhere except for MyOpera. Why bother blogging on a platform slated for shutdown?

No unsettling dreams last night, but predictably, my parents made an appearance. I half expected them to ambush me once I fell asleep. However, they only featured briefly in a couple of dreams. Instead, the focus was primarily on my Italian parents. In one dream, I visited them in a ground-floor apartment of a large building. As I approached the front door, I could see into their living room. Dad was asleep, but Mom was reading. She greeted me with a smile, and I began conversing with her in sign language to avoid waking Dad, amusingly enough. Additionally, I found myself surprisingly agile, effortlessly navigating what seemed to be a mound of snow or a sand dune.

Waking up with a scratchy throat, I'm unsure whether it's due to a cold or the dry weather. Regardless, I'm combatting it with copious amounts of hot coffee and a throat lozenge.

Sunday's forecast boasts temperatures nearing 70°. While it's chilly at present, I'm determined to tackle my walk early. It feels like I'm perpetually bloated, prompting me to wonder if this will continue until I literally burst. My menstrual-like symptoms persist, and I suspect it might be the onset of menopause as I'm just shy of turning 48. While I haven't experienced hot flashes, I've been plagued by frequent bouts of lightheadedness, which I can only describe as a rush in my head. Nonetheless, I won't dwell on it; it's hardly worth mentioning.

Later...

The kitchen sink remains clogged despite my efforts with drain opener, so I'll leave it for Tom to handle when he returns, as I'm at a loss for what else to do.

I opted for a light jog, nearly reaching the front gate. Maintaining a pace of just under 4MPH, I aimed to avoid burnout, cramping, or injury. On the return journey, I mostly walked.

Catching sight of myself in the master bathroom's sizable mirror, I realized that perhaps fate isn't entirely against me. Yes, I may be overweight, a fact I've come to accept with age, but my face still holds some semblance of attractiveness, and I appear relatively healthy and fit despite the extra pounds. I acknowledge I shouldn't be so harsh on myself, especially considering there are many younger individuals facing more significant challenges.

That's all for now. I'm in a sluggish mood, enjoying the peace and quiet of today.

The pricey rat toy I won arrived yesterday, and Romeo just LOVES it. Sugar doesn’t really care, but Romeo loves to chase the thing all around the room. It’s a feather at the end of the string, which is attached to a wand that sort of resembles a fishing rod. Once we have lighter-colored carpet where he’ll show up better, I’ll make some videos.

Got a holiday card from Paula, which is nice. I’ll get a letter off to her soon enough.

I’m enjoying the last of the peace until the banging and buzzing start. Next door was back to parking in the carport, coming and going and slamming doors. Most of the door slamming was at the house they’re trying to sell that they’re obviously having a very hard time selling. This is a very expensive park. They need to lower the price on that house first, as big and as luxurious as it is. Especially since it’s on the edge.

Anyway, something was going on again next door. That same white pickup returned that had some boxes in back of it. Also, the SUV was parked at the end of the driveway, which means something was going on in the garage. I could hear movement in there every time I went to use the bathroom.

I think I forgot to mention that on Saturday morning Tom and I went to Home Depot. We picked up a gallon of Palest Lavender paint to do the second bedroom. He’ll have four days off this week, and that’s when we’ll do the painting.

I’m trying to decide if I want to go around to all my blogs and delete all the old entries and just have it be from the here and now. It’s just so much work to sync and manage the blogs and to edit this and that, but then again, deleting everything would take time and work, too. I can just turn my first MD account private because I don’t use it anymore anyway, but I just can’t decide what I want to do for sure. I think to myself that I should get rid of past posts because they are after all in the past, but the entries I write today will eventually be in the past too, so I’m not sure what I want to do. I’m undecided at the moment.

Later…

Now let’s talk about Kim. Yeah, the dumbshit had to know she’d eventually get caught with her latest fake profile impersonating Aly, just like she gets caught with everything else, right? And she had to know I’d mention it too, right? Does she actually WANT me to bash her in my blogs? Does she actually LIKE it when I do? Well, this isn’t about what Kim M wants, but what’s happening to a friend and how I choose to write about it. I was going to make private or deactivate every account she knows about so she has nothing to stalk, but that’s what KIM does when she’s been caught at something. Meanwhile, I haven’t done anything wrong, and I’m not running. I’m through trying to hide from this crazy bitch. Let her read every word of my blogs for the rest of her life if she wants. I don’t care what she thinks. I’m not obligated to her, and after all she’s done to me and my friends, I’m not in any position to give her any respect or privacy when it comes to airing out the stunts she’s pulled on us.

Yesterday I was so fucking pissed at her I could’ve strangled the living shit out of her! Damn her and her same old fucking shit that goes on year after year after year! If I ever visit my family in New England, I’m stopping in Stafford Springs. You can count on that. Just five minutes alone with her. Just five minutes!

The problem is that our hands are tied because she hasn’t used our exact names, and she’s lashing out at us through Molly’s account and not any of ours. This is a professional stalker who knows the ropes well. She’s done this for years, and she knows what’s legal and what’s not. She’s breaking the law without quite breaking it. I’m pretty sure she’s had/has help and is not acting alone. I knew her to be dumb and immature, so that’s why I think someone’s helping her. At the time I didn’t realize the depth of her insanity, and if someone had told me a few years ago, “Piss her off, and she’ll stalk you for life,” I’d have been like, “Kim? Nah, no way.”

I realize I gotta stop thinking she’s gotten sick of me just because I’ve made it hard for her to contact me directly, not that she has the guts to contact me from an account, bogus or not, on any of my own accounts. She will only do so anonymously or through other people’s accounts like her latest, Karli M account on MyOpera, which I have reported. Funny, though, cuz she can’t delete, deny, and delude when it comes to this account. Only MO can ban it. If not it will sit there till the site shuts down in March. The Karli account uses much of Aly’s real info, so that’s why I first thought it was really Aly and couldn’t figure out why she would defend someone like Molly and point a finger at me. But Kim has always had a deep-seated hatred for me that I never could fathom, and so she WOULD point a finger at me. And she WOULD try to steer any suspicions away from Kathy cuz they’re still friends as far as I know. They can have each other! Although I don’t know why, Kim has hated me since day one. Why she bothered to pretend to be my friend for a couple of years, I don’t get. It wasn’t until I caught her two-facing me on Ask with the nasty anonymous comments that I realized she was no friend at all, and that’s when I dumped her. But this was well over a year ago, for God’s sake! Get over it and move on! I honestly wonder if this sick twist pays more attention to those that don’t want a damn thing to do with her than those who do (until her true colors shine brightly).

Meanwhile, she checks my blogs, Ask, Twitter, and other accounts religiously, along with others she’s harassed and is still harassing every chance she gets, and the longer it goes on, the more I’m convinced she’s NEVER going to stop. How sad that this crazy elephant has nothing more to look forward to in life than food, celebs, impersonating people, and cyberbullying. That’s her whole life. I don’t understand why someone this crazy hasn’t been placed in a controlled environment.

I could kick myself for letting her fool me like she did, but she did such a good job of making herself look like Allison that I actually believed it for a minute there. So did Molly, who she’s also texting as Aly by changing the area code on her phone to make it look like she’s in another location. She does this when visiting my blogs too.

As bad as Molly could be in the past, she definitely doesn’t deserve what she’s gotten. To the best of my knowledge, Molly may still be unstable, moody, pushy, and needy, but she hasn’t bothered anyone lately. Why she bothers to allow for comments unless she actually wants the attention is beyond me. All she has to do is disable that and block Kim, then she can blog in peace without the unwanted shit sprinkled in.

I blame myself just as much as I blame Kim for getting me all riled up. Had I not bothered to follow Molly’s damn blog, I wouldn’t know what’s going on. Ignorance really is bliss so I won’t be looking in on anyone’s blog there, fake or not, while the site still exists.

I also feel bad for suspecting Adonis, but the fat tub of shit was apparently smart enough to take note and remember how he writes and how he often connects his contractions from when she was on my Facebook friend list. He also has his own account on MO and has left comments on it. That’s how trolls find those they obsessively stalk. They don’t just look up the people directly, but will link to their friends as well.

It was her erratic writing style that finally gave her away as well as a little detective work I’m not at liberty to discuss which confirmed her identity. The only other thing I’ll say is that it hit me that the person had to be in the US. Adonis is in EU and there’s no way he could get his profile to say he was in the US. I know this because somebody once wanted to make an account look like they were in Australia to avoid trolls, and it would not let them. Even though they chose that country for their location it still said they were in the US whether they wanted it to or not.

They say the crazy only gets crazier with time. If she would just start harassing me directly on a regular basis I could then have her dealt with and be done with her. IDK, maybe instead of trying to close doors to her and lock her out of my life I should fling them wide open and throw out a welcome mat. Maybe I should help pave the way to make it easy for the nutjob to incriminate herself. If she would only have the guts to contact me from an account instead of just anonymously!

After being fooled by the connected contractions, my second guess was Kathy. She is a very vengeful person, but she recently had a kid and so her life is over for a while. At first, I was hoping she would lose the kid as I thought it was high time that the spoiled little princess learned what it’s like to lose and actually not get something you want. As far as I could tell from back when I knew her, she would get every single thing in life she ever wanted, just not always as fast as she’d like. She never learned what it’s like to be deprived of anything, and that made her a very insensitive person. She would pretend to be sympathetic to you, but she didn’t really give a shit. Kim also lacks empathy, but I believe in her case it’s just plain insanity. Psychopaths and sociopaths are unable to feel and experience emotions like sympathy, apathy, empathy, guilt, and pity.

Now I’m glad Kathy had the brat. The thing is actually doing me a favor by coming into existence because now Kathy won’t have the time to bully anyone. Not unless harassing others is more important than taking care of it. So now I can get a break for at least a few years… until the damn thing gets older.

Later…

Still can’t decide if I want to delete old entries from all my blogs or just edit anything I feel should be edited and leave it as is. LiveJournal is the only blog that crossposts to other sites. With other blogs, I kind of have to help them. It’s also easy to override if there’s something I don’t feel is Facebook-friendly.

Last night I had a dream that Kathy and I were friends again. Only she was still pregnant, and we met in person. She was at my house, which didn’t look like my house, as is usually the case in dreams. Tom worked second shift, and I was worried because he never came home that night.

The next morning, I found myself at Kathy’s, sipping coffee with her in her kitchen and admiring the lovely new blue carpet she had recently acquired. I expressed my concern about Tom, who still hadn't returned by the time I had awakened.

In other news, my friend Christine got engaged, and I couldn't be happier for her! Despite being a few years younger than me and residing in Ohio, she has found someone to spend the rest of her life with. Christine has been a loyal follower of my blog for years.

Observing my neighbor return from his first outing of the day and park in the garage, I concluded that there wouldn't be much activity there today.

Later, I realized the source of a troubling dream involving Tom failing to return home after his second shift. Unfortunately, reality mirrored my dream as we discovered fraudulent charges on our credit card. Thankfully, Tom's vigilance in monitoring our accounts enabled us to notify the bank before significant damage was done.

In response, I undertook my familiar routine of rearranging my blogs, a serious hobby of mine. I made my first MD private since I no longer utilized it, and restricted access to all my LJ posts prior to this month except for my bio. Additionally, I purged Blogger of recent entries and pared down my PB books, preserving only essential content such as my bio, short story, and our narrative since moving in.

This clean slate allows me to refresh my content periodically while retaining everything on my hard drive.

Now, I must decide which platforms to continue using. Aly and I have safeguarded our tweets, rendering LJ's cross-posting feature obsolete for that purpose. I have opted to continue sharing posts exclusively on Facebook.

Despite my aversion to unwanted scrutiny, I refuse to be intimidated into hiding. Therefore, I intend to maintain all four of my blogs. And while I harbor no ill will toward Molly, I harbor strong sentiments against Kim M, whose actions warrant condemnation to the fullest extent.

Wish I knew why this darn dictation program of mine takes forever to launch, but anyway, Nane has identified our mystery flower. She says it’s a Camellia, and when I looked up pictures of it, it does seem to look exactly like it. So thanks to her, we now know what it is. I guess Camellia trees can grow to be about 8 or 9 feet tall.

I also wish I had more to write, but I can’t think of anything right now. I’m just enjoying the peace before the daily landscapers hit the scene. Running a load of dishes through the dishwasher and having the robot vacuum for me now. These gadgets really do make my life a little bit easier, especially the robot.

Can’t remember any dreams from last night, but it’s hard to believe I didn’t have any. I think I’ll go copy and sync some of my blogs like I have been.

OMG, this is too funny! Can't post it online, though. Out of a moment's boredom, I decided to say hello to Molly on Ask. I mentioned knowing her from WordPress, a place where I know she's blogged, and randomly chose the name Amanda. I asked if she remembered me, and she replied, "Yes, how are you?" LOL.

I made my LiveJournal blog public again just for the hell of it. I like how that's the only blog that automatically posts to Twitter; I have to do it manually from other blogs. Maybe I'll have it post to Facebook too. If I do, though, no graphics will show in the preview on FB since I usually don't add any there. Only the skinny blogs seem to look good with graphics. My LJ template is a wide-set one. I also like how LJ posts what songs I'm currently listening to on Last.fm.

Got a message from Tammy. She's been through quite a nightmare and still is. While the knee surgery went well, there's been one mess-up after another, she says. Not getting her meds on time, nurses showing up late to the house, etc. Maybe this will finally be it for her for a while. She seems to have gotten everything "fixed" that can be fixed, and her lungs stabilized.

I won a $35 feather cat toy that the cats will no doubt love. It's on a stick that you set up for them.

We have several bushes along the side by the kitchen with yellow flowers. We also have a beautiful tree that's now sprouting these totally gorgeous pink flowers that don't smell but seem so velvety soft. I shared pics on Facebook. Maybe Tammy or Norma can identify them. There are no thorns, which rules out roses, and the leaves aren't right for carnations or peonies.

There's also this strange arrangement of shells and rocks that made me think of a grave marker. The realtor said they never had a dog, but could they have had a cat? Sugar can fit under the oven and he pulled out an old tennis ball the other day.

My period is now 11 days late. If menopause is setting in, fine. Just wish my body could stop feeling so PMS-y if no period is coming.

I also wish my parents would get the hell out of my dreams, whether it's my subconscious conjuring them up or themselves checking in from the other side. I'm beginning to think more and more it is them. Just a feeling. As long as they don't go chasing me off cliffs and stuff like that; but that's part of why I think it's them. Assholes or not, they wouldn't go chasing me off cliffs in real life, so why would they in dreams? The dreams are usually quite trivial.

In last night's dream, I introduced a deaf boy to Dad, who acted like he could hear just fine minutes later, even though we would sign to each other. Then a young woman and I were hanging out with my mother. This time around I wasn't living with her, and I did seem to know Tom. The girl was getting married. I asked if she had kids and she said no. I asked if she was going to have them with her husband, and she rolled her eyes and said, "How old-fashioned. I'm going to work and win things like your mom won that."

She nodded toward some knickknack of sorts, and I said to Mom, "Oh, you won that?"

Mom nodded, and I said I wasn't sweeping anymore due to the economy, though the real reason these days is that there's too much competition.

She said, "The economy isn't bad."

"I fear it's going to get bad again," I said.

"Well, of course it will be bad again," she said.

Since no one seems to be able to help themselves when it comes to "liking" and commenting on my public Facebook posts, and they're not my responsibility to worry about, maybe I'll make it public there too. It's been over a year since the trolls contacted Andy, so we'll see.

Believe it or not, it's just 39°F out there now, according to what I just checked. It gave me chills just seeing that. That's so damn cold for us!

I wish I had something more exciting to share other than complaining about the cold, but I really don't. I set aside my story once again, and we plan to pick up the paint for both bedrooms over the weekend. Eventually, we're going to replace these big old toilets, too. We have all kinds of upgrading plans, mostly of a cosmetic nature, for the next year or so. Despite having many thousands in savings, it's hard to get myself to spend more than a little at a time because of what happened a couple of years ago. Whereas I used to love to spend money, now I dread it. This newfound fear is only bolstering our savings, so there is some good in it. It's not growing much, though, because we have spent quite a bit since moving in.

My furballs are having a blast playing in the box filled with packing paper. It's become their official play area when they're out and about. Yesterday was quite amusing. I had my dictation program running while working on my story once again when I felt Sugar tap me on the ankle to remind me of his presence. Then he started messing with the scented plug-ins. A few minutes later, I glanced back at my document and saw: "and then they went out to eat and no, no, no, get away from there. That's not a toy."

I received the incense I ordered, and while it's of good quality, it's not as fragrant as I'd hoped. I think I'll stick to Gonesh; they currently offer the best variety for the price. I should probably quit buying incense altogether once the new carpet and drapes are in, but I'm addicted to incense like some people are addicted to porn.

All the cleaning is done. Today is just laundry and workout day. Despite the cold and windy weather forecast for today and tomorrow, I think I'll go for a walk at sunrise. I just need to decide on my route. Should I circle the block? Head down to the gate? The clubhouse? Tennis courts? Golf courts? Maybe I'll take a walk through the cemetery. The only issue is I can't exit the park on foot like I once thought I could, at least not from the back.

I've decided to return to working on my story again. I'm still not sure if I'll meet the deadline with the required word count, but for now, I'm back in the NaNoNoveling business.

We've had more rain in the last two days than we have since last spring. It's a welcome change, although I can understand how people accustomed to cold, damp, rainy weather most of the time might find it dreary and tiresome. It's not quite like the warm, summer rain you experience in tropical locales or during the desert's monsoon season.

A disappointing revelation from Tom this morning was that they were still blowing leaves along the perimeter even while it was raining. I had no idea they could do that. I inquired if they could still mow, as Andy mentioned they mow wet lawns there. Tom said it would depend on how wet it was. This news is disheartening. So much for relying on the rain to spare me from the daily landscaping cacophony. I really hope it returns to just a few times a week soon enough. The noise from car doors and traffic can be distracting enough as it is. I'm grateful to be on nights now, whereas before, I always preferred to be on days if possible. At this point, I'd rather stay on nights.

Since Alison stumbled upon my Prosebox account by accident, even though I used a username I've never used before, I'm certain I made the right decision by making my current book accessible only to members. This way, if anyone I don't particularly like discovers it, they won't be able to read beyond July when we moved in here. I'm posting essentially the same content on Blogger and MD, but this allows me to freely express my frustrations about those I despise without giving them the negative attention they crave. I can also voice any suspicions I have about people I'm connected to but not overly close to. If I'm close enough to them, I can simply approach them directly if I want to address any concerns.

So yes, trolls could find my account there, and yes, the owner plans to let Google index public blogs. But for now, the only blog they know about that I'm still using is Blogger.

For instance, this paragraph will only appear on Prosebox, and I want to mention that while Kim may not be as eager to leave anonymous comments on Ask, and she might still be hesitant to reveal herself on Blogger, she must be reading my tweets. Aly received an email alert for her latest of dozens of accounts, so I blocked it. I know she'll just follow me from another account, but why make it easy for the troubled individual? She's already blocked Aly. As if Aly cares? *rolls eyes* Trolls. Who can understand them? Kim may hide her identity, but I'll know if and when Molly finds me. She enjoys appearing on my tracker, almost as if she relishes thrusting her unwelcome presence in my face. She still checks blogs I no longer even use.

If I've ever had a weakness, it's been the compulsion to air out my grievances. Then again, maybe it's not necessarily a "weakness," but rather just a part of who I am. I prefer to address issues directly whenever possible. So I sent Maliheh a brief email asking, "If I said I was dying of cancer, would you care, or would you still consider me a 'mission' accomplished?"

As expected, I received no response. I encoded this message because I was curious to see if she would pick up on it. She did. She hit my tracker several hours later, but I realized it was because she accessed her messages and mine would be toward the top. Once it's pushed toward the bottom, TIP won't pick her up unless she opens the message.

Why she's reading and saving my emails after breaking up with me is beyond me. All I can think of is that she's hoping I'll say something incriminating. If she were genuinely interested in what I had to say, why wouldn't she follow my blog, too? Unless she's doing it anonymously, she's not following me any more than the individual from AZ. She's simply hoping to gather "evidence" that the spiteful, vindictive person can use against me, much like the individual from CT hoped to. So any future messages I send will have to be worded carefully and sparingly.

Later...

Since Ask and Blogger are public sites, I've decided to let those posts shared on Facebook be public unless someone "likes" or comments on them. If they do, since I just can't seem to get people to stop liking and commenting on my public posts, I'll make them friends only.

As most people who know me are aware, Tom spent six months tirelessly filling out job applications to no avail. When the government callously cut off our unemployment benefits before he found a job, we felt so desperate that we contemplated ending our lives to spare ourselves from a slow, agonizing decline on the streets. We're too old for that kind of hardship, and I, for one, couldn't handle life on the streets even when I was young. I'm simply not cut out for that lifestyle, and yes, I've come to despise a higher power for either directly subjecting us to suffering or permitting it to happen as if we hadn't already endured enough hardship.

At the very last minute, Tom not only landed a job, but it was one he hadn't even applied for. Instead, someone came across his résumé online. Meanwhile, Andy claimed he's the one who secured Tom's job after praying in the final hour to prevent losing another friend to suicide. He believes it was divine intervention that got Tom the job. If his belief is accurate, then who or what was trying to bring harm to us? It certainly seemed like something was determined to lead us toward our demise, though it's difficult to reconcile the idea that the same force that saved us was the one attempting to harm us. Do I believe there was a malevolent force pushing us toward death? Absolutely. Do I also believe something otherworldly intervened due to the timing being an incredible coincidence? Absolutely. I just can't determine what that force was. Prayer has never yielded much for me, but perhaps, just like there are individuals who never experience dream premonitions, there are those who can make prayer work for them. No, I didn't pray for a million dollars, in case you're wondering. I genuinely kept my prayers modest, fair, and reasonable. Maybe it's all about who God favors. Perhaps He saved us because He favors Andy but not because He cares about Tom and me. If that's the case, then I hope Andy remains on His good side because I've felt nothing but disdain and estrangement from Him throughout most of my life. As for me, I'll never forgive Him for at least permitting so many atrocities to befall me.

Speaking of prayer, I had a dream where I was out and about somewhere, and my purse was missing. I prayed that I would find it. I then entered a room and saw it sitting on a table. Excitedly, I rushed toward it, thinking, "I can't wait to tell Andy that God answered one of my prayers, too!" But when I grabbed the purse, I found it completely empty. It sort of dampens the excitement when you've still been deprived of what's most important.

They say that whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but I'm not so sure about that. I believe it's more accurate to say that difficult times may make us wiser, but they can also make us more fragile and anxious. Instead of instilling strength in me, it has left me with memories that I'll have to carry forever. Oh, it's certainly heightened my appreciation for the good times, but it's also contributed to my paranoia in some respects, leading me to spend too much time worrying that the past will come back to haunt me.

So, is Nane ignoring me? I feel comfortable mentioning it here because I'm certain she would never create an account here. Ever since I shared pictures with her showing the weight I've gained and my haircut, which she didn't like, it seems I'm hearing less and less from her. First, she said she was unwell, and then she mentioned covering for a colleague who was on vacation or something along those lines, yet I know she's been active on Facebook.

Although I can't recall the specifics, my parents appeared in several dreams once again. It seems that in most dreams where they're still alive, I don't seem to know Tom, and I'm living with them.

Although it was written differently, the individual returned to Molly’s blog to express that it’s not Kim or Sarah who's bothering her, but rather someone who secretly wants to date her and is referred to as "one crazy fatty." I hate to admit it because I genuinely like Adonis, but I still have a suspicion it might be him, and that the "crazy fatty" he mentions could be me. After all, he's seen recent pictures of me, so he would know about my weight gain.

Adonis has always struck me as technically adept, so I wondered if he could somehow extract IPs from the comments to identify the troll (unless my paranoia has reached Molly's level). However, I couldn't think of a method. I examined both page sources and information but found nothing useful. I'll ask Tom when he wakes up if he knows of any way to extract IPs from comments left on blogs and various sites. If anyone reading this has any insights, please let me know.

It's still possible that the culprit is Kim, Kathy, or Sarah, but if so, why haven't they mentioned my name? Could it be because it's someone who still considers themselves enough of a friend not to want to go that far?

Pretending to be oblivious to my suspicions, I messaged Adonis, who now claims that Adonis isn’t his real name… yet. Hmm… just how well do I know my friend from the Netherlands?

As for the troll itself, it's still regularly monitoring all my blogs, even the ones I'm not actively using.

My sister’s knee surgery went smoothly, and her recovery is expected to be successful. I anticipated as much and am not surprised, despite the pain she must be experiencing.

I was taken aback (and annoyed) to hear music coming from what seemed to be the house behind ours between 7 PM and 8 PM last night. I could distinguish that it was definitely from a house and not a car because I could hear the beat of the drums, not just the bass. I didn’t think this sort of thing happened here, though.

I've made my current Prosebox book accessible only to members. It's the one place where I voice my suspicions about others, which may or may not be accurate, and where I can discuss people I know—yet care about—without offending or hurting their feelings. Prosebox is the one space where I can be completely honest and upfront with people I've met only through the site or OD. It's not that I'm opposed to being honest and upfront with others, but I prefer to be certain about what I'm revealing. Why confront someone who may not be guilty of what I suspect them of? Right now, it's just a gut feeling. I suspect that someone I considered a friend, who seemed to genuinely like me, might actually harbor negative feelings toward me. Why they wouldn't express these feelings if that's the case is beyond me. Then again, a certain individual in CT didn’t admit to her actions until I caught her red-handed, so who knows why some people are hesitant to express their true thoughts at times. I suppose only they know.

Rain is forecasted for the next few days, but I'll be asleep for most of it anyway.

I received some of my birthday gifts yesterday, and this morning, we might put up the rat and lady wall decals on the doors.

I've begun the arduous task of unsubscribing from the numerous emails sent to the account I use for sweepstakes entries, so I can continue using the account without being inundated with so much junk.

Later...

I had a dream that my parents were still alive and sent a couple of birthday cards. I was reading the notes they included to Tom. He asked something like, “Can I see?” and I handed him one of the cards. The more frequently they appear in my dreams, the more convinced I become that they're not merely figments of my imagination. It’s THEM. At least, a part of me believes it is, although I'm still not entirely convinced and still cling to the hope that they somehow live on.

There are other occurrences, like sensing someone's presence when I'm alone, and so forth. One night when I was a child, I woke up to use the bathroom. Upon returning to bed, my mother followed me and, in one of her rare displays of affection, tucked the covers around me when I got back into bed.

As I was drifting off to sleep this morning, I felt my mother tuck me in. Or did I? I didn't see anything, but it's what I felt and sensed. I was nearly asleep when I could've sworn I felt (her?) adjust the covers by an inch or so. I'm still not entirely convinced that the spirit world exists, but each time something like this happens, I wonder a bit more.

We're finally experiencing some real rain. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to deter yesterday's leaf blowers. Even though it wasn’t actually raining at the time, I was like, NOOO!!! They can't possibly be out there blowing WET leaves. But sure enough, at 8:50 AM, that's exactly what they were doing.

I managed to apply the pink rat decal to the second bedroom door without any issues. There weren't any air bubbles, and it wasn't too difficult to install at 22x14 inches. The 22x75-inch lady, however, presented a challenge. She looks fantastic, but there are some air bubbles. White was a good color choice, too. Initially, I debated between lilac or light blue but white turned out to be the perfect match for the dark brown door.

Haven’t heard from Aly in over a week now and am a bit worried. I’m also wondering just how well I know my friends. Like Adonis, for example. Does he really like me and think good of me? Or is he harboring nasty thoughts I don’t know of?

On Molly’s newest blog, someone has been defending her and saying they think it’s just one person picking on her there and that “she” has a lot of time on her hands and does it cuz she hates herself.

The reason I suspect Adonis is cuz of the way he connects words instead of using contractions. He writes donot, shouldnot, havenot, etc. Someone once said she “shouldnot” be online due to her behavior and I immediately suspected Adonis then, and said I had a dream about him pulling a prank on someone as a test. Right away he asked me to delete my mention of the dream.

I decided to say that someone mentioned his name on her blog and asked if he knew anything about it. He said he was in a hurry, would check it out later, but no, it “couldnot” be him.

Do I believe him? No, I’m afraid not. But how does he know it’s me? Yes, it really is me. I admit it. Not in public, of course, but yes, I’ve anonymously said some things Molly didn’t like, like how she makes people give up on her when she wrote that Kim, Kathy and me have given up on her. It’s very true, and well, even though she’ll never change I just felt compelled to speak up and point that out. She was sure to stay away from my MO and LJ blogs yesterday, but she did try to access my Blogger blog from Ask.

Back to Adonis. If it was him and if he does think it’s me, does he really think I hate myself and have too much time on my hands? And if so, why is he my friend then, and why would he suddenly defend this nut who has caused me and others so much grief along with her mother???

Tom says I’m being paranoid and jumping the gun, as it’s a common writing style with some people whose native language isn’t English. They don’t know where to put the contractions, so they combine the words. But who else on MO writes like that that would be nice to her and that would suspect just one person? And how did he find her if it is Adonis? Probably checked my page and linked through from the ‘latest visitors’ section.

I hit a wall at over 26,000 words. I simply can’t conjure up any fresh and captivating twists for my story. I've come to the realization that I'm essentially regurgitating the same tired variations of the same tired themes. My well of imagination seems to have run dry. Ah, the joys of getting older! While we may gain wisdom and maturity (usually), we also seem to lose our visionary spark, our vitality, our metabolic edge, and eventually, our knack for innovation. My creative juices have all but dried up. Nothing feels novel or exhilarating anymore. Take Hawaii, for example. Sure, it's thrilling, but not nearly as exhilarating as it would've been in my early twenties, back when I was living on the East Coast and hadn't ventured beyond visiting my sister in Texas a couple of times. It appears that blogging is the only form of writing that truly resonates with me these days. I relish the opportunity to share life's highs and vent about its lows.

Tomorrow, Tammy undergoes knee surgery, followed by a lengthy journey of physical therapy and recuperation. She requested my prayers, prompting me to muster the courage to confess my agnosticism to her. I couldn't bear to deceive her by pretending to pray when I don't. My belief lies in the notion that events unfold as they are destined to, and if prayer could simply grant our wishes, we'd all lead charmed lives (or, at the very least, be spared from life's hardships). The notion that "God never gives us more than we can handle" rings hollow to me; if that were true, we'd all be immortal. Moreover, any deity capable of allowing such suffering, both for Tammy and for myself, isn't one I feel inclined to trust. For me, prayer feels like talking to a brick wall. Having "a friend in God" is akin to befriending the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, or some other mythical entity. However, this doesn't diminish my respect for others' beliefs. We each harbor our own convictions, and that's perfectly acceptable. As for me, well, perhaps there is something out there, but it's not always as benevolent as we'd like to believe. In other words, whatever force governs our existence seems to harbor a vendetta against some of us. Considering how wretched my life was for so long, I still can't fathom the streak of good fortune I've been riding lately, and I fear it's only a matter of time before the tides turn.

Nevertheless, I'll keep Tammy in my thoughts and hope for the best. I can't begin to imagine enduring such tribulations, and I certainly don't envy her. Not only will she be confined to immobility for a while, but she may also require ventilator assistance post-surgery until she can breathe independently. And, of course, she must pray to whatever higher power she believes in to steer clear of any infections that could further complicate matters.

I was disheartened to learn of Marie's impending move. I'm eagerly awaiting her response. It seems she's parted ways with her wife, a development I feared was on the horizon. She, too, will occupy my thoughts, and I sincerely hope she finds contentment, whatever form it may take. She holds a special place in my heart, and despite the moments of exasperation she's caused me in the past, she deserves happiness.

FedEx was slated to deliver the first of my birthday treats—the tigress and cub figurine, along with Tom's CoQ10 pills—but failed to do so. The tracking status claimed it was out for delivery until 8 PM, but I suspect they're running behind schedule with the holidays looming. Alternatively, perhaps we were relegated to the bottom of their delivery list, and they lacked the access code to enter our gated community once the gates were secured at 7 PM. This marks the first time I've begrudged these gates, though they do serve their purpose of deterring unauthorized vehicular traffic, particularly those with blaring car stereos.

I spent most of the day in slumber, but Tom assured me it was a tranquil day with no sign of children frolicking in the streets. I wonder if the scene would have been different had I been awake. The sight of those girls cycling alongside their grandmother would have hinted at their residency here, so I'm relieved Tom didn't spot them. After all, there's little point in residing in an age-restricted community if children are permitted to take up residence.

We did catch a brief yelp from a dog being walked by as I stirred from my slumber, but barking remains a rarity in our neighborhood. However, just beyond the park, it's an entirely different story, with plenty of boisterous canines making their presence known. I suspect this is why the house across the street fell through and is back on the market. No one wants to settle in a locale inundated with incessant barking. Late at night, if you stand by any window facing westward, you can faintly discern the distant clamor of barking. I shudder to think how cacophonous it must be for the homes lining Oak Lane. There may be other issues plaguing the property as well; I recall spotting an exterminator at the premises recently.

Aside from an open house and a delivery truck making a stop halfway down the block, Tom reported a tranquil Sunday.

Rain is forecasted for Tuesday through Thursday, though one can never be certain. It promises to be a welcome change, though it's unfortunate that I'll be slumbering during daylight hours, unable to savor the tranquility or revel in the knowledge that inclement weather will keep the landscapers at bay. Then again, precipitation in these parts often arrives in the dead of night.

*Glancing at an advertisement* "Christ-centered" yoga? Seriously? My goodness, soon there'll be "Christ-centered" everything. Well, to each their own, I suppose.

I broached the subject of prayer with Tom, and he offered this perspective: "I suppose so, though I believe prayer should be directed towards what you need, not necessarily what you want."

Got up in the early afternoon and am having a fun day so far. We decided to get the paint early next weekend when we actually planned to start painting the bedroom anyway, so we didn’t have to stand in line on a Saturday afternoon while they mixed the color.

Instead, we went to Walgreens and got some fun stuff. I finally decided to try a nail hardener you put under polish that’s supposed to prevent chips and cracks. I also got Sally Hansen’s new “fuzzy” polish in black and white.

Got some crappy incense and Sweet Petal body mist in the stocking stuffer section.

The nicest thing I got was a pink towel set that came with a bath puff, a hair wrap, and a towel I’ve wanted since I first saw Crazy Ellie with one at the Vista Ventana apartments in Phoenix in 1992. I just never thought to look for one till I saw this set. It’s one of those towels with Velcro that you can wrap around you. I thought it’d be great for at the pool. I’m not going to take it to Hawaii, though.

Tom and I walked down and fed the ducks when we got back, and now we’re just kicking back and doing our own thing. Gotta get on with my book soon.

But first – I still don’t get how Molly’s able to view a blog I’ve blocked her from. She’s not showing up on TIP today, but GA sees her every day. Today GA is back to showing her visit duration as being 0 seconds. I guess it knows when people at least try to access my blog? Or maybe it’s not even her. There are other people in Austin, after all, and it could be a bot, too.

TIP isn’t working right on Prosebox so I’m not coding entries there.

Later…

Why has Linda Ronstadt, a fabulous singer I once so adored and idolized, become such a delusional idiot? Ok, so being part Mexican makes you want to stick up for your own, but when it causes you to lose touch with reality and see things that aren’t there, including discrimination that doesn’t exist, then you’ve got a problem.

If Linda sees having a border between the US and Mexico as “racism,” then what about us beefing up airport security after 9/11? Is that racism, too? Really, it was such a stupid, stupid thing for her to say in the interview I read, and I’m really surprised that this person I idolized for so long can be so blind and so ignorant. Perhaps I shouldn’t be because an opinion is just an opinion, but I find her words almost offensive because in a sense she’s basically labeling whites racists who pick on people simply for their color and not their behavior. How is it “racist” to deport illegals and to want to protect ourselves from harm like drug cartels? Our old rural town of Maricopa became an extremely dangerous place to live, and yes, it’s all the Mexicans’ fault. I make no apologies for stating this fact either. They turned the place into a virtual killing ground. Yanking a passing cop out of its cruiser and killing it is a regular occurrence there, not that most of them aren’t just as corrupt. They’re brazen, deadly, and totally out of control. Yet we’re “racist” by trying to clean up their act for them and send them home?

She bitches that we have fences and walls set up at our southern border but not our northern border. First of all, there are some fences and walls up north, and secondly, if the Canadians were known to smuggle in the kind of trouble that the Mexicans are known to bring in, then security would be beefed up there, too. I’m sorry, but people often get treated based on the way they behave. How many Canadians are as quick to smuggle in guns and drugs and to jump on welfare as opposed to Mexicans? Sure, there are some legal, hard-working Mexicans out there, but like it or not there’s no ignoring the statistics.

Tom says more Mexicans come here than Canadians, and that’s why they get more attention. He argues that if just as many Canadians came in, there’d be just as much crime, but I disagree. Some breeds of dogs are more prone to trouble, and so are some groups of people. We may wish it wasn’t so, but it is, and ignorance and denial won’t change the facts. That’s just the difference between the two cultures. How come the Mexicans build tunnels while the Canadians don’t? Well, it’s not because they want to enjoy the scenery here! I do agree it was wrong for Seattle to jail an illegal for a few months before deporting the woman and forcing her to lose her kids. The whole family should’ve been deported right away. But it’s hard to feel sorry for those who know damn well that these things can happen to you if you cross the border illegally. Just like it’s hard to feel sorry for those who choose to live where they know typhoons are an issue. I’m sorry that some people lost their homes, but when you live in the path of destruction, what do you expect? Despite how obvious the problem is with reverse discrimination, it’s like people are literally terrified to address the issue, and I don’t understand why. When people have negative things to say against non-whites, both whites and non-whites are quick to attack the person. But whenever someone dares try to point out that most of the “racism” out there today just isn’t real unless you’re gay, no one wants to hear it. Not saying that there’s no discrimination at all against blacks and Mexicans. Sure there is. But the vast majority is often completely made up, exaggerated, or seriously misconstrued. People are so quick to read things in that aren’t there and mistake the most innocent of statements as hate for non-whites. Not liking a black person’s shirt doesn’t mean we don’t like them. Yet people continue to make these false connections and assumptions. I can’t help but wonder how much longer we’re going to ignore the problem. How many more whites have to suffer unjustly? Until the non-whites feel they are finally “even” with us for what those of 50-100 years ago did? On Facebook and other sites, I often see tales of hardships pertaining to blacks and other non-whites. All kinds of people of all colors are quick to respond with sympathy. But when the tables are turned, their posts are usually met with silence. Just utter silence. Yes, I truly believe America has been scared silent. Its whites are too afraid to fight for the equality they deserve just as any other group does, and I have to ask myself… why? Blacks weren’t afraid to fight for their rights, and in the end, they got more than everybody else. They’re exempt from being charged with hate crimes, and they can have all the Black History Months they want without being called racist. Well, go out there and try to have a White History Month and see how far you get.