Tom’s out fixing Eileen’s daughter Robin’s computer now and I hope he’s back by 6:00 so he can tape 6 hours’ worth of stuff in his room so I can watch the ball go down tonight. If not, I’ll start it in the living room and at some point after he’s home, I can have him swap it during a commercial. Tomorrow morning we’re going to tape the two Norah movies on two different tapes on SP in the living room. He’s going to tape them on 1 tape on SLP in his room.

Last night I began to type up 32, so now there’s nothing left to do before 1993. I’m at 1/15 shortly after I began dancing. Instead of highlighting the entry dates with markers after I print it out, there’s a bold button you can hit that does it for you.

I went around and changed all the calendars.

I just had a good idea. When I highlight entry dates in these journals, I’ll change colors every month. The colors I currently have are green, pink, blue and yellow. I just used green, so I’ll use pink for Jan., blue for Feb., and yellow for March.

My tan lines are almost gone, but my hair remains somewhat lighter. Especially at the ends and I’ve got a lot of red/gold highlights.

Last night after he finally shut the van off I heard the van door slide shut 3 times or so. I wonder if they’re taking off, but I doubt it. This is a very “homey” family, except for church on Sundays, and that month they went to Idaho.

I sure hope to hell he ain’t running that van tonight when I’m watching the ball go down. Especially if Tom and I do anything as far as sex goes. That really breaks my concentration.

I was a little slow last night when I was talking to Larry. When I mentioned the vacuuming of my ear, he goes, “That must’ve sucked.” I got the joke later on, though.

I thought about it and I realized he may have already given Jenny my number. Why else would he ask if I’ve heard from her? There’d be no way for her to get the number otherwise.

Later...

Tom got home in time to tape those movies, and he threw my comforter in the dryer.

In exchange for working on the computer today, they gave him a game called Myst. You search through all these places and uncover whatever. It’s pretty weird so far. It’s also got a soft-covered 60-page journal for you to write in clues you observe.

We’re waiting for the food to arrive that we ordered. Pizzas, veggie sticks and fried mushrooms. The veggie sticks are fried, too.

I left Andy a message.

Later...

Dinner arrived and we ate. The veggies did turn out to be raw carrots, but they were good, and I gave some to Piggy.

I played some more of that Myst game. Sure is weird.

Mom and Dad called, and Dad said they did go to that hotel and he danced and sang. I wish I could’ve seen that or could get some pictures. They also wished us a happy new year.

Current Location: Arizona

I’m dealing with a part of Tom that’s very typical male and the only thing I miss about women. Male BO and male sloppiness. It’s not that he ever stunk so bad that I couldn’t get near him, but the scent in his room is far from feminine. I highly doubt he changes his sheets weekly as he once said he did. In fact, I’ve never seen him do sheets. It smells like it could be drool buildup, but I don’t know for sure. I’ve asked him before, and I’m going to try to see if he’ll let me in there to dust, vacuum and wipe surfaces. It’s just that he really really is hung up on living in filth. He really does like it. One time he spilled some soda and I offered to clean it for him and he was like, no, no, no. The longer that sets in, the harder it’ll be to clean, but he really likes that. I know how sensitive he is and want him to be himself, but we’ve compromised on other things, so I’m sure we can compromise with this. I’ve decided fair is fair, though, so I’m going to make a serious effort to smoke outside.

Tom made the period chart for 1995. Yeah, I’m sure to get each and every one of them, too.

Also, there’s a sex chart in the front of this book. It’s just something to do and I’m curious to see how often we screw. At the end of the year, it oughta be neat to see what the pattern is if there is any.

Tom reminded me that if I want to watch the ball go down in Times Square, I’ll have to watch it at 10 PM. No wonder I couldn’t find it when I searched for it my first new year here when it turned 1993. How stupid of me.

For a half-hour to 45 minutes, next door really got on my nerves and it wasn’t the kids, either. At about 10:30 last night, the guy drove in his somewhat loud van which is parked directly outside my bedroom window. After a couple of minutes, he slammed the door after he got out, then came right back out and I could hear it running. At first I thought maybe he and the wife got into a fight and he ran out into the van, turned it on for heat, but was too mad to go anywhere. I peeked out after a half-hour or so and saw him approaching the van in a business suit, then he left.

The pigs must be hot on someone’s tail right now. I hear helicopters swarming around out there. It doesn’t bother me, but they sure must be desperate.

Earlier I watched a really good movie and I can’t wait to see Deadly Game. I hope she’s got lots of scenes and that her hair’s not short and that I can create some pictures from it. I have gaps still on my bedroom walls that need filling up.

Later...

Tonight sure was my night for phone calls. Minnie called telling me never to have a kid cuz she can’t get no sleep. Marjorie called wanting to know about my ear but didn’t need to talk to Tom. She was telling me that there was a massive shootout last night in this area. That explains the helicopters.

These people next door are really getting to me again. It’s better than the kids screaming, but why must they constantly run their van for so long so many times a day? Can’t they just come and go normally?

Later...

I just took a break to listen to music and I didn’t feel like writing to the tune of that van. It’ll start up again any second.

Larry called and we had a good talk. He wanted to know about my ear and he told me a couple of funny jokes.

He was joking around and said there was a guy he knew who burned his eyelid lighting a cigarette and the only place they could do a skin graft was from his dick, so now he’s walking around cockeyed.

The other joke is something about taking two typewriters and having someone type on each one. Then they can be stereotyping.

More on our talk after a cigarette.

Later...

Wow! Out of the 365 days in 1994, I had my period for 37 days.

Tom ate me out earlier, but it’s not going on the chart yet, of course, cuz it’s not quite 1995.

I took both of our measurements earlier and I’m going to write them in soon. I’ll probably use blank sides of pages in previous books.

Larry’s going to stay home with his family for New Year. I was telling him how Tom told me that if I want to watch the ball go down at Times Square, I’ll have to watch it at 10 PM here. No wonder I couldn’t find it on TV here when I turned it on to watch it at midnight for my first new year here which was 1993.

He says it’s continuing to get worse in Springfield and Hartford and that there were 4 murders in Hartford alone today. What else is new?

He said he talked to Tammy and it was all about Bill. He said he wouldn’t wish what he’s going through on his worst enemy, but that it’s not his idea of a conversation, especially with a weak stomach.

I asked him what I should say if she were to ask me for his number. He says he’s still not ready to deal with her, doesn’t want her to call, and says to say I don’t have the number so her feelings aren’t hurt. OK, I can respect that.

Then, he asked me if I’d heard from Jenny (Jenny C). I said no and that as far as I knew she was supposed to hate me. Larry said she knows the past is the past and that she and I were naïve. He’s giving her my number, he says, and she can call if she wants to. At this point, no I’d never want to resume a full-time friendship with her, but I can handle a phone call. Also, in this day and age, I’d rather be dumped or rejected by 10 people than have to fight with one.

I know I never thought my brother would ever call me, but I’m almost sure Jenny won’t. She probably sees no point in it. Especially with me so far away now.

How do I feel? Well, it really doesn’t matter if she calls or not. It’s up to her. I mean, we just never had all that much in common.

I think that’s all the major things he told me.

Tom understood fully well about my written request I left to clean his room when I got up today. I changed his sheets, dusted and vacuumed and now that foul smell is gone.

I got a quick note from Kim today, passing along the cow confetti she got from her cousin in Texas for me to pass on to whomever. I typed up a letter to Alex, so he’s getting it. I also typed up the Diane document and have 3 left - Eileen, Maria, and Lamaris.

I sure did get a lot done today. I finished typing 31 and 82, the previous one. I also typed letters to my parents, Larry, Kim, Bob, and Minnie. Yesterday I typed one for Tammy and maybe tomorrow I’ll do one for Alex.

Yesterday I also got my period full blast. It wasn’t as easy to accept as I thought it’d be, either. Despite any fears or doubts, I really do want a kid.

The doctor’s appointment went OK. There is still a part of the skin graft that isn’t taking, but he really feels it’ll heal. We’re going to buy all the time we can to avoid another operation. There’s exposed bone in there now by the eardrum, but hopefully it’ll stay infection-free. I know if I had to have another operation, it’d be a joke compared to what I already went through, but I sure hope not!

As I was typing up the previous book, I noticed a few things I forgot to update on. We lazed out of putting my drawings on people’s Christmas name tags, for example. We both ended up wrapping the gifts together and I wrote out names with my calligraphy pen on small pieces of paper, which I taped onto the gifts.

Yesterday the doctor did give me some good news. I can now wear headphones and wow! It’s pretty cool. I can shower now too, but I have to stuff a cotton ball in it and make sure that ear doesn’t get filled with water. He doesn’t care about the outside, though.

I also typed up Bob’s letter I got yesterday and put it in a binder.

On January 2nd we’re planning on going out holiday shopping for each other.

We got a catalog today in the mail with all kinds of porn videos and toys and lotions and clothes. It looks kind of interesting and we may get stuff to spice things up even more, not that we’re bored.

Tom insists he was not kidding when he said he came back when I wrote about it in journal 82. Whatever.

I know I’ve got more to write about that’s slipped my mind at the moment, but I will after I watch TV. Oh yeah. I updated our list of stuff to do and get. Also, this Sunday morning, there’ll be two movies with Norah in them. Local Hero, which I’ve only got part of cuz the cable had been fucked up, and Deadly Game which I’ve never seen. I’ll expand more on this later, but I sure hope she doesn’t have short hair!

I wish I had lots to write about cuz we’re now at the doctor’s office where we’ll be for a very long time.

I had a spot today, so tomorrow I’ll be ragging full blast. Like I said, I knew I could not be pregnant and I know I’ll never be. Am I upset? No. There’s no use in getting upset over something I’ve already known. Also, there are so many positive things about not having a kid as well as having one. I guess this is God’s way of telling us we don’t need to deal with any other burdens.

Today I’m being sort of lazy again. I couldn’t fall asleep till 1 AM, then Tom came to do my ear with the peroxide and ointment at 7:30 before he left for work. I fell back asleep till 9:30. It’s been so much easier to go back to sleep cuz there’s no continual noise. Also, it was pretty hard to fall back asleep when you’re so pissed off at the noisy people around you. This is the best and easiest I’ve slept in years. It’s great not having those two dreaded fears I had for so long before going to bed - Will I wake up with an asthma attack? Who will wake me up?

Amazingly, Fran never did call back again last night. I thought for sure he was going to leave a message or two. I have no desire to ever talk to him or Nervous ever again. I don’t even miss any good times we had, even though there wasn’t a whole heck of a lot of those. I don’t miss our funny talks or desire to tape and edit fights between Fran and Nervous or play games with Nervous. I’ll always love and keep any tapes I do have, but I’ve certainly outgrown them and have moved on.

Later...

I was just going to say that I still haven’t had my period, but I’ve got a couple of spots now. I knew I couldn’t be pregnant. Like God would finally let me have what I want for a change?

Anyway, I’m going to go do some typing now.

Later...

Today was a much better day. I felt more like my old self. For the few days before today, I was either bitchy or energyless.

I’m not sure now if that really was a spot. I had thought I was going to spot, which always leads to my period instantly, but the coast has been as clear as can be. I even put on a panty liner in the early afternoon but ditched it a few hours later. When Tom went down on me earlier he said my pH was fine and that I tasted fine, so that tells me it’s not right around the corner. Well, it may not be, but I can’t say for sure.

I was talking to Andy today for about an hour. When I was mentioning the dizziness and other side effects or alterations due to my surgery, I also subtly mentioned being 5 days late. Then, we went on to discuss how he feels very abandoned by his family and friends back East. No cards, calls, or letters from anyone. Then he said he had gotten a flash about my being pregnant when I said I was 5 days late. Honestly, I can’t see it. Who knows what the future holds, but right now it doesn’t seem real to me and my instincts say it’ll be here before mid-January. I feel like God’s teasing me!

Goldie called an hour or so ago. She thought my surgery was today. I didn’t talk to Al, but she was so happy for me and they’re in Las Vegas. I told her Ma said to call her cuz she didn’t have their number.

I completed the Becky document today and did I mention doing the Steven one a few days ago? Well, I did. I only have 5 documents left. The names are Eileen, Maria, Lamaris, Diane and another name I forgot. I also typed up quite a bit of 31.

Yesterday I took a water pill for the first time in quite a while. It’s great cuz I’m 99 pounds and look like I do after my period.

Now I’ve got no idea what in the world I’m going to do. I’m sick of typing and not in the mood for music and TV, so I’ll have to think of something.

Oh, I forgot to say this before, but I’ve got a current total of 355 letters. That’s a lot of letters!

Yesterday sure was a surprise for me. Once again, it’s like having either an extra birthday or an extra Chanukah.

Here’s what Tom’s got: An electronic horse racing game from David and Mary and a magnetic bowl for parts like nails and screws from Mom and Dad.

Here’s what we both got: A calendar and a chicken roaster from David and Evie. A Tupperware container of cookies and candy from Ray and Nora, and a glue gun from Mom and Dad. We each also got a $50 bill in tiny Christmas socks she made with our initials on them. His was red and mine was green. Definitely the first Christmas sock I ever got in my whole life.

Here’s what I got: A clothes hanger that you use to cover clothes with. Especially when you’re traveling. She made it (Mom and Dad). Two, 3-D posters from David and Mary and lots of other stuff mom had. A tie-dye book, various art books and supplies, and two journals! I could tell she had the journals for a while. One of them is like #2 and on the back there was a price tag that said $4.95. That’s what #2 cost back when I got it in early 1988. That was the price of the average journal. Now the average journal is $6.95. The other journal is a bit shorter and narrower, but it’s the thickest one I have with 192 pages. It had a paper cover saying, “The next-to-nothing book.” I took that off and it’s got a blank silver cover. Meaning, it’s all silver. I wrote, “Mystery’s Journal” on it with a permanent marker and then traced over it with a regular ballpoint pen. The funny thing about this is that Ma wrote 3 pages of religious stuff in 1980. I’m going to just leave it in there. Her handwriting sure does look like Tom’s which looks like Bob’s. I did some sketches in it, too.

Later...

Still no period, but Tom and I are certain it’s just due to all my mind and body have gone through due to the surgery and that I’ll get it soon enough.

Guess who called tonight? Fran. Tom answered, not sure who it was, and handed me the phone. Tom’s right. He does sound like Larry in a way. I hung up on him, but the little loser was talking as if nothing ever happened, all cheerful and like I’m his best friend. So now I know why he hasn’t called in so long. He did lose his phone for a handful of months. Andy had told me that when he tried to call him when he was in Springfield, his phone was disconnected.

Tom’s taking a shower now and in a couple of hours, we’ll be heading to his parents' house.

No more laxatives for me. They made me have the runs again.

I took a bath and Tom washed and brushed my hair.

Still no period. Do I think I’m pregnant? No. I think it’s the shock of the surgery and all I’ve been through with it. Or else I’m just late. Either way, I’ll get it by mid-January.

I got up at 5:30 this morning. Tom was already up. Today we watched TV, did some computer work, barbecued a steak, did laundry and screwed. Soon we’re going to wrap the Christmas presents for his family.

I’m two days late again for my period, but then again I’m not. No woman is that consistent with getting it every 28 days. From looking at my chart for 1994, 26-30 days is normal for me. I won’t be officially late till tomorrow evening, but I know I’ll get it. Probably when I wake up.

Tom’s taking the day off from work and right now he’s playing computer games. Early this morning he went and got Christmas presents for his family. The people he got presents for are his parents, David and Evie, David and Mary, Ray and Nora, Nickolena (David and Evie’s kid), Mikey (David’s kid from a previous marriage), Jackie, Pam and Ryan (Ray and Nora’s kids) and Jennifer which is Pam’s kid. He got stuff like household stuff mainly.

He says his family’s curious to see my artwork, so he’s going to use my drawings on nametags. It’s amazing to have all these people curious about me. Also, how Tom really thinks I’m a good artist. Most people just don’t care.

If I don’t get my period today, this will be the second time in 1994 that I’ll be two days late. This time around, do I think I’m pregnant? No. I know I’ll get it.

I listened to music a little while ago and now I have the radio on, ready to record any songs I like.

Later...

Tom got more binder reinforces. I have 6 journals done. He also got shower caps and I just took a shower.

Later...

I was sooo horny, but Tom just took care of that.

In a little while, we’re going to work side by side on the two computers.

Later...

I did some typing on the computer and listened to music.

Since 9:00 last night, it’s been raining and I feel a million times better. The air is so much cleaner.

Tom and I tried to call my parents last night and today, but there was no answer.

Tammy called last night and gave the latest scoop on Bill. I really don’t feel he’ll be around past next summer. I have a feeling that he’s going to go next July or August, but I sure hope, for Tammy and the girl’s sake, that I’m way off for the better.

Later...

Tom’s watching a special on Meat Loaf I taped for him.

Soon, we’re going to be eating the Hamburger Helper he made and the garlic bread I made.

We finally got in touch with my parents. They haven’t heard from Goldie and Al either. They said for New Year’s they’re going to be taking part in some comedy show at a hotel. He says he doesn’t know all the details about it yet, but I sure wish I could see that on video.

Dad said Ma’s thinking of getting a computer for the flea market. How much do you want to bet that I inspired her? Also, she knows she can ask Tom and I any questions she may have.

I said Tom could tell them more about my follow-up appointment since, for the most part, I was out of it. He jokes, “You’re always out of it.”

I mentioned how I was shocked that they didn’t have a camcorder and Dad said, “Send us one, then.”

Then Ma said that Tammy said I was in touch with her (as if to say that’s nice of me).

Dad mentioned how each year gets better and better for me. This is so true. It’ll be like - wow! If 1995 is even better, cuz 1994 was so good. I never thought I’d ever say that about any year even though I ain’t got my foot jammed in the door musically.

I typed up letters to Kim and Bob and Tom showed me a better way to use the capping trick so it’ll now cap after question marks and exclamation marks. The only thing it doesn’t cap is certain names as well as the first letter of words beginning paragraphs.

Tom woke me up at 3:30, but we decided to do my hair instead of the Christmas shopping. He’ll probably do that himself tomorrow as we don’t want to keep getting me up too many days in a row. In fact, I feel like I could go to sleep for a few more hours.

We were just discussing what Tom’s going to get for his family. He’s going to wrap the presents and I’m going to fill out the nametags with my calligraphy pen.

Now he’s going to be taking a shower, then he’s going to have to do my ear.

Yesterday the Minnie Mouse jaguar blanket came. It’s quite comfy and I’m lying on it now. We’ve got it spread out on the living room floor.

I finished typing 30. I also got 2 songs on Oldies #3. Today I’m going to type up another document for him.

Later...

I typed up the Mary document and now I’m working on Lisa’s.

I just decorated some envelopes. I have a little ruler with shapes cut into it. I traced these shapes on the envelopes and colored some in.

They say it may rain today and I sure hope so, along with others. The pollution due to all the snowbirds coming here has been lousy this last week.

I’m due for my period today but haven’t gotten it yet. I know it’s coming, though, cuz I sure can feel it. I hope I get it tomorrow to shed some of this water off and the tenderness in my breasts. I feel like a blimp.

Before I do some more work on the Lisa document and also journal 31, I think I’ll go listen to music. Throughout the day, I hope to expand on oldies #3 quite a bit.

Later...

I got a lot done today. I did another document. So, now both Mary and Lisa’s are done. I began typing 31 and I updated my journal chart. The one I hang on my bedroom wall.

I just noticed a dime-sized bald spot caused by the pressure strap. Thank God it’s where my bangs are and not the long part and that my hair grows fast.

I tried to call Tammy at 3:30 my time. I guess she really can get a babysitter more easily than she said, cuz some 13-year-old girl answered saying she was with Bill who’s getting treatments. This girl was smart when she said the time differences correctly. Plenty of people in their 20s and 30s don’t get it right. I tried calling again a half-hour ago but got her machine.

I discovered a note from Andy in journal 31 that he wrote on my birthday card in 1992. I copied it in 7. I also think there are a couple of letters we got by mistake but I’m not going to copy them in.

Got a letter from Bob today and one from Kim. She says she understands my situation as far as why I didn’t see her, all’s fine, she agrees with me and she won’t worry if I won’t. She’s also happy for me about my ear. I was really glad to “hear” all this from her.

Copying these letters finished out the remainder of 7, so here’s what I’ll do now. I was asking myself, should I do another book of letters? Keep the originals in a box? Fill up blank pages with them, or put them wherever I am in current journals? Well, I’m going to type them, then print them out and put them in binders just like my typed-up versions of my journals. I’ll print out every 10 pages or so and I won’t type them in all capital letters. I’ll change fonts for every letter.

I’m surprised I haven’t heard from Minnie yet, but I’m sure I will very soon. Maybe not, though, she just had a kid.

The air is still pretty terrible, so I hope it hurries up and rains.

I sure do have my share of updating now. I’ve already sent letters to Tammy, my parents, Bob, Kim, Alex and Minnie, but not my brother yet. I figured I’d call him on his birthday and also send him a birthday letter and then I’ll tell him all about it.

About 90% of yesterday’s appointment went great. My arm and most of the skin graft are healing well, but there is a part of the skin graft that didn’t take. The good news is that the doctor’s sure it’ll heal. There are still dissolvable stitches and packing that’s keeping the eardrum still till it heals, so he said it can take 2-6 months to know just how well I’m going to hear. The way I hear now is how you’d hear if you took your hand and covered one of your ears, but not tightly. At this stage, he said it’s supposed to still be muffled and bassy.

In a week or less, the bandage on my arm will come off and that’ll mean it’s healed well enough to be exposed.

It didn’t hurt like I was afraid it would when he took the packing and stitches out. For now, he wants it open and exposed to let it heal better. It doesn’t look too gory, thankfully. I have to put eardrops in it 3 times a day and then once a day, as well as an ointment that keeps it from itching.

The only other bummer that’s a major inconvenience is that I have to keep water away from it, so I still can’t take normal, worry-free showers. Tom has to help wash my hair as well as do the drops and other stuff. He doesn’t mind and he’s been such a miracle through all of this. Again, whether or not you can handle this, there’s no way you can go through this alone with no one helping.

It’s so weird, though, putting drops in that ear when I never could before in my life cuz it was closed up.

Also, for the first time in my life, I can block the good ear, scuff my feet on the carpet and hear it! When Tom was on the phone talking to his mother, I could block the good ear, walk into the bedroom and still hear him!

Later Tom’s going to see if he can pick up a shower cap for times I want to shower without doing my hair. I like baths, but not all the time. He’s also got to pick up some Kleenex as I get some oozing here and there due to the drainage.

I have to return for follow-up appointments on 12/28, 1/5, and 1/10/.

I remembered to tell people this time when I wrote to them what Larry had said – that now I could tell people that something they’ve said to me has gone in one ear and out the other.

Tom’s going to come home from work at noon for the rest of this week, to do my ear drops, then I’ll only need them once a day. Well, that’s the scoop on my ear for now.

Yesterday I finished oldies tape #2, so today I’ll begin #3. Yesterday I got an old song by Paul McCartney and Wings called, Let ‘Em In. I used to love that song and I haven’t heard it in years. I had the 45 of it when I was little. I got lots of other good songs, too.

Andy wants to use the Phase-Out thing for his smokes. I don’t want it to be a hassle for me, so I’ll tell him to pick one day a week that he gets a carton and that’s when I’ll leave it in the screen door for him to use after I show him how, then he can toss it back in the mailbox.

Tom talked to Tammy and Andy yesterday. We tried calling my parents, but they weren’t home.

Later...

I just washed up, changed the bed, and worked out, believe it or not. I’m working out slightly harder due to not doing it for a few weeks.

Tom’s been joking about us having twins. He says he’s not joking, though, and that it’s a gut feeling. We’ll have a boy and a girl. Oh, God! It may sound kind of neat, but I think one’s enough.

I’ve got the tape in the box ready to begin oldies tape #3, but so far they’re playing shitty songs. I think I’ll move the tape to the box in the back room and do some typing.

Tom postponed our going Christmas shopping for his family till tomorrow or the next day.

Yesterday I amazingly fell asleep after only being up for 12 hours and I slept for 10 hours.

I sure slept a long time, which is great. I needed it and it’ll make staying up for tomorrow’s appointment no problem.

Tom’s going to change my gauze when he gets up.

When I got up I took a bath, shaved, and was able to wash my hair all by myself. It was much easier to do in the tub cuz that way I could have both hands free, rather than one of them holding the shower massage.

Yesterday I shortened two bracelets.

We weren’t able to do our little race cuz after I let Tom know I wanted a little tongue action, I got pretty tired. Who knows what will happen today, but I still don’t think he’s ready to let himself cum cuz we’re still not completely over this ordeal. After tomorrow’s appointment, maybe things will be different. It takes time, though, so the latest things could probably change, if Tom’s as sure as he says he is, will be after the 1st of the year.

His mom called wanting an update on my ear. It’s so amazing having all these people who care.

I may call my family tomorrow. It depends on how big of a deal it is. If it’s not, I’ll write them letters tomorrow.

Later...

Sure do have some shocking yet nice stuff to tell. First of all, remember the picture of the little girl I mentioned that Ma picked out for my b-day? Well, I drew it early this morning and it came out good. I wish I had a pink and a flesh-tone colored pencil, though.

We screwed around this morning and as far as Tom’s concerned, he came. What do I think? I don’t know. He seemed like he did by the way he was moving before he did, then suddenly he went limp. I don’t know if anything came out. Maybe a little. He says it varies with him, but has never heard of it leaking out of a woman like pee afterward. It was like that for me with that asshole Ron when I was 21. Tammy agreed it varies.

I asked Tom if he thought that was enough to have a kid and he said he thought it was cuz it’s the sperm count that matters, not the volume of cum. Yeah, I’ve heard that before.

Anyway, sex for both of us has been so much easier and so much fun.

I did the Dureen document today, as well as some journal typing and a letter to Bob.

I don’t know if I said so before, but as of the 1st, stamps will be 32¢. That’s so fucked up. The PO has enough money. They blame it on electronic mail. Yeah, everyone has to blame someone or something for their greed.

Yesterday really did turn out to be great. We made two tie-dye shirts which look really cool. I’m wearing mine now.

We also had two rounds of fun. When I said I couldn’t wait till I could cum by it, he said it looked like we were having a race and that tomorrow, which is now today, he’s going to win it and cum. This I’ve got to see to believe. It feels so good to me, but I’m still improvising and getting used to the feel of it now that I can do it pain and worry-free. It’s hard to be able to touch the whole length of my clit like I do when he’s in there cuz he’s so big that it gets pushed up shorter. He was in deeper than he hardly ever is yesterday and he said that was a great worry now gone from the back of his mind when he saw it didn’t hurt. I also was able to sit down on him with him lying on the floor. For the first time, I went down all the way and was able to rock back and forth. There was no pain, pressure or discomfort.

Andy says Gloria had a baby girl by C-section the day after my b-day. He’s going to bring the article over later, but right now he’s at a friend’s house.

I can’t wait till I can listen to music with headphones. I miss that. I can’t wait till my appointment too, even though I’m nervous about it.

Later...

Tom really likes his watch and is getting used to it. He said they’re going to spoil him, and we agreed I’d thank them for him in my next letter to them.

In a bogus name, I’ve got 10 zoo books coming, a tiger poster and animal stickers. I saw the commercial for it on TV and called it in. It should be here in 4-6 weeks.

I’m not sure if Andy’s still coming or not, but whenever he does, I’ll give him some NPN envelopes. I wish there were a regular mailbox on this street corner here. Then I’d dump off a load every now and then.

Later...

I did a load of laundry, took the garbage out, took a dump, took my meds, and watched part of Charlie’s Angels.

I had a little scare a few hours ago with my ear. I sat down to listen to music when I had an itch behind my earlobe. I felt some wetness, so Tom got up and changed the bandage. We’re not too sure what was oozing, but it didn’t look or smell infectious. We’re sure it’s just normal drainage, but I’m going to call the doctor in 10 minutes anyway. I have no fever or pain, so that’s good.

Andy called during all this and I let him know I’d get back to him later. I left him a message at 4:00. He’s probably sleeping now.

Tom went back to bed.

I washed my jewelry in warm soapy water and now it’s drying on a towel on the kitchen table. I also played some Nintendo games like the duck hunt. I beat my record. Before I could never pass round 13. Today I fouled up at 15. Later I’ll play the racecar game.

I also put hair elastics on 4 of the many wires by the game and the TV. They had been all tangled.

Time for my coffee and to make that call.

Later...

I just spoke to a Dr. Norwalk that’s on call for Dr. Nielsen. He said to see if I can get in to see Dr. Nielsen tomorrow.

I’m a little tired now, so I’m going to go lay down for a while.

I just saw the most sickening, cruel, unfair and depressing thing on TV. In a news documentary in India, it shows how not only is it perfectly legal to beat and kill women whose marriages are arranged, but it’s a common, everyday practice to kill baby girls. Because it’s a poor country, girls are considered too expensive and, in their beliefs, and traditions, girls are a curse and inferior to boys. This drives the belief in me, like never before, that God set out to curse women and girls and that life’s not fair. I believe God’s got two things on His mind more and more these days. One, to control the world’s population. Two, to ruin each generation more and more by giving more and more kids to bad people and to people who don’t want them. I see no reason to believe or even think for a second that God would ever give us a child.

I know it’ll always be hard for me to accept never having a kid, but I don’t think I have a choice. Instead, I must put all my energy into stuff that’s real, rather than dwell on something I can’t do anything about.

I’m looking forward to today. We’re going to do up tie-dye shirts and play around.

I was thinking of asking Tom if every now and then he’d say he was cumming when he’s in there. It’d turn me on and make me feel more like a “normal” woman who’s really pleasing him. However, I don’t want to make him uncomfortable and make him feel silly, either.

Got a Christmas card from David and Evie yesterday. Before that, we got one from Geri. Already we have more Christmas cards than I’ve ever gotten in b-day and Chanukah cards combined. It sure is weird having Christmas cards and presents cuz it’s like having two birthdays or two Chanukahs, instead of one of each. It’d be funny if we had a kid in June, cuz then it’d be 3 things in June and 3 in December. December would be my b-day, Christmas and Chanukah. June would be our anniversary, Tom’s b-day and the kid’s b-day.

Tom got a watch and a thank you card from my parents. His card said: thank you for caring. Tom’s never worn watches and I think he said he doesn’t like anything around his wrist, so I hope he likes it. He must as it’s not anywhere to be seen, so he must have it on (he’s asleep now). I laughed when I saw the $175 price tag cuz they never forget to remove price tags.

I think I’ll go watch TV now. I’m sure I’ll find another pregnant woman saying she’s going to poison or feed her baby unhusked rice so it’ll die, but that’s life, huh? Obviously, it’s also what God wants too, if He truly exists. He lets it happen, after all.

Maybe I’ll do some more typing, too, as yesterday I finished the David document and began and finished Wendy’s.

Later...

I completed the Lolita document and worked on 29.

Tom oughta be up anytime now.

I may have a new radio station. Well, for the longest time, I’ve been listening to KOOL FM. They play music from the 60s and early 70s. They also play some 50s. When I was watching TV, a commercial advertised a station that does only the 70s. I wish I knew of one that did the 70s and 80s. Some of the songs suck and others are great, so we’ll see.

Now, it’s off to type more.

Later...

Now I’ve only got about 27 pages left of 29 to type up. I’m at the part where Stacey tried fucking me over. Yup, she had a thing for me that scared her. It also pissed her off cuz she couldn’t and wouldn’t act on it, so she lashed out at me. Just like Nervous, Fran and a lot of guys can be. If they can’t get positive attention, they seek negative attention. It had taken me a while to figure out what was motivating Stacey, but upon reading back on the incident, yes, she had a thing for me. I’ll bet you I was the first one she ever thought of in that way. If not, one of several, and it finally got to her after so long of being able to deal with it.

Boy, Tom’s really catching up on his sleep and must’ve been tired. I just remembered he was to stop over at Eileen’s after work to delete stuff from her computer. Eileen is the one with the gay daughter named Robin. She’s got a husband and 7 kids. Good, God! I wonder if she wanted that many?

The more I analyze a certain situation, the more confusing it seems. You know me, though. I love to analyze stuff. If God’s out to keep me childless, then why keep Tom from cumming? All He has to do is make sure the DES sterilizes me. Is it to make us wait longer for whatever reason? Hmm… how does his not cumming fit into this when I could very well already be sterile? I’m sure I’ve already got all the pieces of the puzzle in my hands. It just takes time to put them all together sometimes. Just like it did for a few other situations. Hopefully, someday it’ll make sense.

I finished the David document and did some typing on 29.

After busting my ass for several hours cleaning, I’m doing something I haven’t done in quite a while. Listening to one of my old edit tapes.

Earlier I vacuumed, dusted, cleaned the microwave, washed the dishes, cleaned the bathroom, hammered the front door hinges all the way down, and put a foam strip in the biggest part of the gap in the back door. That’s quite a bit, huh? What a difference that strip makes.

It is absolutely freezing out. It’s in the 40s and the closest to MA it gets. I can see my breath in the air. It definitely froze last night. The scary thing about it is, is that it’s cold enough to snow out there.

I’d really like to do some editing now as it’s been a while, but I’d rather wait till sounds aren’t so weird. Plus, the track that I tape from is fucked up.

I’m trying to stay up as late as I can, so I may go do some more typing.

One more thing. In the hall right outside Tom’s room was a full-length mirror. He didn’t want it put up on his bedroom wall, so I busted it out of its frame and put it on its side in the paneled-over window in the living room. There was still enough room there for our wedding picture, the plates and other knickknacks I’ve got up there. It looks really cool.

Here’s sweet old Laurie H now on tape. Now here’s the CP lady, and earlier I heard the other Laurie lesbian from the Northampton CC. That was the call we made when Andy was here, but I was stuck in Deerfield. Before that was Donna A. Now the tape’s screeching. Now it isn’t. I’m not worried. I have backups of all my edits. As soon as Nervous and Fran came on, it really screeched. I’ll just let it roll through. It’s an old tape that just hasn’t been played in a while. I wish I could magically snap my fingers and have this on CDs. As well as my other stuff, like music.

Minnie called earlier. She had an emergency C-section. She had a boy and named it Coty Alan if I spelled it right. She had been busy and lost my number. When she got her bill today with the number on it, she called.

She hasn’t been able to get a ride to see Bob yet.

No more are their temperatures above normal. They’re freezing their asses off. I don’t feel sorry for them, but I wish it were hot here. I want to go swimming and get some color back. I’m white as a ghost again. I wish bee season were now, though, while I’m not in the pool.

My heart’s been beating in a strange way all night. Sort of like in my head, too. I feel the pulsating rush of blood as well as hear it.

Yesterday Andy met that guy that sounds like Tom. He told me this (as best friends do) and I told Tom, who was laughing, that he was hot and the perfect type of guy. He was uncut, though, and would never go for that. I agree. That’s totally gross. A few months ago he said he’s getting more and more of the same “message” I got. I always knew it wasn’t meant for me to be with a woman. I began to sense I was supposed to be with a guy, even though I was so repulsed by that idea till I met Tom. It took a while, but I figured that out cuz of how often I’d get offers from guys. Yes, I know they go after anything and are easy, but if it wasn’t telling me something about guys, I’d not only not have been able to get what I wanted in a woman, but I would’ve gotten fewer hits from men. So, in the end, it wasn’t only telling me no to women, it was saying yes to guys. Andy’s case is different, yet similar. When he said he felt he wasn’t meant to be with a guy, I thought about it. Yeah, that does make sense. Especially at his age. I don’t think something’s trying to tell him something about women, though, cuz he hardly ever gets offers. That could be even scarier and worse off than in my case, but I hope not for his sake.

I began the David document and journal 29 and a Bob letter. Now I’m going to go make some clams in the deep fryer.

Later...

Tom got up, watched the half-hour Sting concert/interview I taped him and now he’s in the shower.

I just did some word puzzles and played with Piggy.

I’m going to try to stay up as late as I can and sleep as late as I can.

I started going through Mass General’s medical papers and 90% of it is all in medical terms I don’t get. Kim might understand lots of it, and I wish I had her medical books. Tom says we can do research and decipher it using the computer. That’s true.

I love how I went from being Hebrew to Jewish, from a student to a child, from being born in Springfield to MA, and from Jody O to Jodi D.

I hope some of the stuff we ordered through Fingerhut and some other place gets here soon.

Now that Tom’s in the shower, I feel the need to shit.

I may or may not have said so before, but I’ve only got 22 journals to type up. Of course, there are going to be 22 more when I get done. Maybe less, though, cuz it’s quicker to type them than it is to write them.

Guess I’ll go get some coffee now and a cigarette.

Later...

This weekend oughta be fun. Tom got two T-shirts to make tie-dye shirts with. He also got more of that decorative plastic used for melting and setting onto molds. Earring hooks, glue, and plaster of Paris.

A little while ago I was working on the David document and soon I’ll finish that up and do a little more typing on 29.

I gave Piggy more pellets, fresh water, and a new house (the box that Tom’s 12-pack of soda came in).

I typed up 81 which only took about an hour and a half.

I forgot to say that the day we planted the Azaleas, no kids were screaming. I could hear stuff off in the distance, but not well enough to tell what it was.

Andy may call anytime. He went to meet a date and said he’ll fill me in on it later.

I called my parents and I caught them up on my ear and finished the Evie document.

I never disbelieved Tom when he said he wants a kid, but now I really believe. We talked about all kinds of things earlier.

I took a bath and washed my hair. Tom helped me rinse it. Then he changed the gauze on my arm and ear.

Earlier yesterday morning before he went to work, I had a scare. I was lying on my side in bed, sipping coffee when a spider ran over me. Yuck! Tom came running in with a paper towel and killed it. I asked how he knew to bring in paper towels and how he knew it was a spider. He said, “It’s always a spider when you squeal like that.”

Getting hungry again, so I think I’ll go eat, watch TV, listen to music then maybe get on with typing 29.

Later...

Tom’s up now eating the spag I made.

Andy called last night to let me know he was meeting this guy who sounds like Tom. He hasn’t called, though, so I hope all’s OK. I’m sure it is as I don’t feel anything bad.

Thank God I took two dumps a few hours ago (no runs) as I was fixing to pop another laxative. I got quite a bit done and am beginning to feel a whole lot better.

Tom said it makes sense for sounds to sound bassy for a while. Nerves are hearing sounds for the very first time that have never done so before. They have to learn how to channel and filter sounds properly. Also, the part of the brain that operates that ear has never been programmed as to how to deal with sounds. My brain has to program itself.

So, today I began another document for Tom. I’m on the Evie one now. I typed Kim’s letter, but not Bob’s yet. I copied in their letter to me, too. Maybe during the night I’ll finish the Evie document, type Bob’s letter, and do the dishes.

I spoke with Andy for an hour last night and we caught each other up on our lives. He says his cat, which he isn’t supposed to have, is turning out to be a carbon copy of how Shadow was.

Another classic example of what I always used to say - why does it always have to be me to get caught? If it was me living over there trying to hide this cat, I’d have been caught weeks ago.

Well, time for me to go do some other things now. The only question is what do I do? I have a handful of choices, but I haven’t made up my mind yet.

Later...

I sure did lots of writing tonight. Tomorrow I’ll type up the previous book. I should be able to do it that fast. Wow! This book really smells of perfume from those samples. I must’ve rubbed it on good. Anyway, there’s not much to say now, so I’ll sign off.