Sure enough, the 2000 or so calories I had yesterday bumped me up a couple of pounds, but oh well. As long as I can stay out of the 130s. It’s a struggle, but so far so good. I tell myself, look, just like with quitting smoking, there’s no evil God standing in the way of you losing weight. Nor is there any jealous, selfish, mean person with power over me that I can’t escape. All I have to do is ignore the hunger and not put more than 1200–1400 calories in my face each day, but it’s just so, so much easier said than done! So far, hunger always beats out my willpower. For most other dreams/goals, yes, there was usually some evil source, or someone waiting to stop me from succeeding either for their own selfish reasons or just plain old spite, though I know that in this case, the only one in the way of my losing weight is me. I don’t know if my problem is not wanting to lose weight bad enough, or if I’m just one very hungry person!

Unless someone’s firecrackers wake me up, I’ll probably sleep through the New Year, but you never know. I may wake up in time to see the ball go down, though it’ll be taped. There’s no way I’d wake up at 9:00 which would be midnight in New York.

One thing I’m determined to do this year is to find a decent place to live until we can buy something!

The tsunami killed over 100,000 people, and the total death toll may never be known when you consider those washed out to sea. Not that I need any more convincing, but this is just one of the many things that make me believe God is either full of hate or simply indifferent to human beings. The difference between me and most others, however, is that they still believe He’s a loving God! They tell themselves what they want to hear and then they believe it. I can understand why they do it, though. I mean, sure it’s a nice thought to think that there’s something up there that loves us, but it’s bullshit, so what’s the point of brainwashing ourselves to believe something that simply isn’t true? I know that telling ourselves what we want to hear is an easy rut to get into, though. As for those who hate gays, they tell themselves they’re evil sinners destined to rot in hell because it sounds good and they wish it to be true. They tell themselves that God will punish our perpetrators because they wish He would. Yes, I can relate to most of the world. It’s just that I have sense enough not to kid myself like I used to. I tried to, but deep down I never really believed the crap I’d tell myself as a means of coping and making life easier for me. I never possessed the ability to make myself believe whatever I wanted to be the case. Sometimes I wish I had that ability like most people seem to have, but I’d only be kidding myself if I did. Still, I understand these people. I used to tell myself the Phoenix neighborhood was 90-something percent quiet overall when it was really only about 60 or 70. Back east I’d tell myself that the reason I looked good was for my future career as a singer. I would try to tell myself that the reason I was meant to be a man’s woman and not a woman’s woman was so I could have the child I once wanted the natural way. Oh, the things I’d tell myself! It’s a tempting thing to succumb to. How easy it would’ve been to tell myself that the visits to and by Scot were really only to make sure the sicko’s victory didn’t go to their heads and that they didn’t come try to harm me, and therefore, Scot was only looking out for me. And how easy it’d be to tell myself that the reason we’ve struggled financially all our lives is to compensate us for future riches!

I looked up the email addresses of all the Jane J’s I could find in this state. I found one Jane and a few with the initial J. I sent emails to them all, but sure enough, I haven’t gotten a response. I know I’ll never find her, though I had to try. It would’ve been nice to at least be pen pals or swap emails, but she strikes me as the type I usually get – not very bright, and certainly not in the higher-tech areas. She probably doesn’t even have a computer, let alone an email account.

I have several writing projects planned. First, I’m going to finish my present book about the girl spited into a funny farm and falls for her therapist who falls for her in return and breaks her out. Then I think I’ll expand my autobiography. I figured I’d do it every few years, rather than wait a decade or more because it’ll be easier to remember things that way. It’s not easy sifting through hundreds and hundreds of journal pages for info.

Then I have a few other story ideas. I was thinking of a variation on my stories Sacrifices and Julie & Jill, using the same main characters, and I’d also like to expand on two other stories I wrote a while back.

I also had a couple of story ideas that I thought I’d combine into one story. A girl gets put on probation for some petty thing and falls for her PO who falls for her in return. They end up living together and are happy. Then the PO gets killed, leaving the girl to meet this forest ranger she falls for who ends up crazy. I thought the relationship with the PO could be in this cute duplex (minus Bev’s banging), and the forest ranger part of it will take place up on Bly Mountain.

Then I have this story idea that’s sort of similar to College Romance, only the main characters will be a detention officer and a convict of some kind, rather than college students. The “criminal” may not really be a serious criminal, but someone placed in an adult boot camp. Instead of dorm houses like on a college campus, these houses will have a handful of delinquents and an officer in charge of each house, and so one of the delinquents will fall for the officer and vice versa.

Lastly, I have a story idea of a young girl who dies for a minute or two and then is resuscitated. Her body comes back, only her spirit doesn’t! In her body now lives the spirit of an evil psychic murderer who died when she did, and although her body remained dead, her soul now lives in her.

At least they waited till the day before New Year’s on Webshots to put New Year’s pictures out and not 3 weeks like with Christmas. The December pictures really sucked, so I hope January’s are better. I only kept about 10 out of the 124 December pictures.

I’m amazed at how quiet this place is at night. Not one bark so far, unlike in Phoenix where even at night the dogs would bark, and of course, the renter’s dogs barked all night long in Maricopa.

I’m not kidding, either, when I say there have been no problems here. Other than the too-long string in the toilet which he fixed so we don’t have to hold the handle down a few seconds to flush it, and the constantly drenched windows that badly need replacing, there have been no leaks, no hot water tank problems, no nothing. I don’t think the only reason is that God wants us in the city, but because He knows we don’t own any of this stuff, so while it may put us out and be a hassle to deal with if something broke, it’s not our responsibility to have to pay for and fix. All we’d have to do is sit back, wait for management to come out, and hope they fixed the problem right.

We’ve had some snow for the last few days, though not much. Most of it gets melted away by the afternoon. It seems we’re not having such a huge fluctuation between the highs and lows as we did in the summer. It’s supposed to hit 37º today but only drop to 26º tonight.

It’s starting to come down harder now. As much as I hate the shit, it’s doing a good job of keeping next door from going duplex-hopping as much, and of course Bev won’t be out hanging clothes today, not that that’s usually a bother. She hasn’t woken me up yet. At least I don’t think she has. I just dread the next Sunday she decides to go furniture-tossing! I’m also not looking forward to any knife-tossing when the weather warms up, but if Bev heard them, I’m sure I’ll hear them.

As much as I’d prefer to be closer to the coast and in California, a part of me is tempted to just stay here, though not in this duplex. I don’t want anyone attached to us and I don’t want anyone’s backyard just outside our window, but maybe we should just move to a more rural area on the outskirts of town. If we did that, we wouldn’t have to worry about him finding work in a new town, and of course, we’d enjoy the benefits of not being so far out, like having a normal water supply, electricity, trash services, and mail services. We could even have a pizza delivered if we wanted!

I’m missing our old house less and less, though I’d still like to have two bathrooms. I hate having to pee really bad when he’s in the shower! Nonetheless, I don’t miss it because we just had so many damn problems and negatives to the house, the land, the state. Being a minority in a place is one thing, being a hated minority is another. Even Tom agrees we never went as long as we have here without problems in both houses we owned. I tell you, it’s because something wants us in the city. It doesn’t quite want me to be a part of anyone’s life, or else Bev would be pestering me for companionship and Jane wouldn’t have moved. It just wants me living with people. So, we might just say, hey, we tried it twice, but rural living didn’t work out, and just stay somewhere in town as long as we don’t have to have others too close to us.

Although I’m not as stressed and depressed as I was in the motels, or even on the mountain, I still feel like I spend too much of my time waiting for things to happen that usually don’t. I should try to live more for the moment and focus on the present, which is all one can do anyway. It’s just hard not to want to jump ahead because as much as I hate to move, I want out of this damn place! I don’t care how cute it is. One thing I’ve learned, though, and that’s that a big fancy house isn’t a top priority. Even if it were cheap, who needs all that extra space to have to clean? Especially when I’m not going to get the millions of dolls I so foolishly thought I’d get to fill up the space.

I was doing good on the diet until today. I was still hungry after having a few small baked potatoes, so I ate a box of macaroni and cheese. A whole box! Yet I was still hungry. That’s when I realized that no one, not even a giant, should be hungry after a whole box of mac, so I must have something else going on that mimics hunger pangs. But what could that possibly be?

Rejection number one should be arriving anytime now. The question is, will I want to submit anything else? Depends on what they have to say, I guess, if they say anything at all. Some publishers say they won’t give reasons for rejections. I hope these people will, though, to give me some idea of what I can improve on, not that that’d necessarily get me anything published in the future if it’s not meant to be. Still, how many stories with lesbian lead characters can they possibly have to choose from?

I don’t know if I’ll be up on New Year’s Eve what with the way my schedule is now, but I’m so glad this year is almost over! What a sucky year it was! Not as bad as 2000 and 2001, but certainly plenty bad enough. Tom and I both agree that this next year couldn’t possibly be as bad. At least we don’t see how it could be. We’ll still be broke and struggling our asses off, but unless one of us ended up paralyzed or burned beyond recognition, it can’t be as bad.

A part of me is still bummed about Jane moving, but again, was a woman that good-looking ever meant to be? She may’ve come on too strong and been a little too high-strung, but she really was pretty good-looking, and I have no doubt that she was attracted to me. Now I’m forever left to wonder, just like with Teddy Bear, what would have happened between us and what would it have been like? Although I have no desire to actively pursue a female sidekick, I still wouldn’t mind one coming to me so long as it was sane and didn’t drink, do drugs or smoke. Anyway, at least I never got the chance to fall in love with Jane, so her absence could never have me crying for 4 months. Still, I’m like, oh Jane, why’d you have to go!

Tom just went to bed. He stood up late tonight and last night trying to win some money on blackjack and other games. He’s won a few bucks so far, but he needs to improve his skills before he’s eligible to try to win more. Someday he’ll do handicapping again and we’ll try an online casino. That someday may be a long way away, though, if we ever do have money again. The key is not to spend it on a thousand-dollar mortgage or 5 grand worth of furniture if we do. That’s why we struggled and felt poor even when we weren’t; because our money was tied up in such huge expenses.

126 days to go. I wish I could brainwash myself into believing this place was on the mountain, minus Bev and everyone else. Then the 126 days would fly by with lightning speed!

Later…

I went to sleep this gloomy morning only to wake up to snow this evening – yuck. As usual, Tom thinks it’s beautiful.

Tom’s up to $26 on the game site.

We changed the rat’s cage and I guess I’ll be working on my book all night.

God’s mad at Asia, that’s for sure! He’s siccing Mother Nature on them big time with a tsunami that’s killed 60,000 that they know of so far. An earthquake struck under the ocean which sent 20’ tidal waves ashore to wash sunbathers away and wipe out whole cities.

Normally I don’t give a shit what’s going on with others because I have my own shit to deal with, and because most people are assholes anyway. However, I couldn’t help but feel a slight pang of empathy when I saw the devastation this disaster caused. If I were rich, I would probably make a relief donation. When I saw the pictures it was a reminder that yes, there are some people God hates even more than me!

So now it’s Christmas, and again I wonder, will they let me sleep? I don’t have any bad vibes, and Tom thinks it’ll be as quiet as Thanksgiving, but you never know. Once Christmas is over, quiet or not, all we should have left to dodge is New Year’s and Easter, along with any banging sprees Bev may decide to throw in while we’re at it. Regardless of the holidays, March and April may be a bit noisy. I mean, I find it hard to believe that mom and daughter have all those chairs and tables out back just for decoration. I think they’ll hang out back once the weather warms up, which right now, seems like never!

I can’t believe how many times history repeats itself and that I’m going through this wanting-to-move-real-bad shit all over again! This place may be a lot nicer and a lot quieter than the Phoenix house, but still, May can’t come fast enough!

I ordered the rings, bags, dipped sticks, body and incense oils. Hopefully, I’ll get the package on time and my order won’t be missing anything.

Another reason I’m glad to get Christmas over with is cuz of Webshots and all their damn Christmas pictures! Next, they can put out Valentine’s pictures a whole 3 weeks before Valentine’s Day.

Later…

I’m glad to say that I slept well. Tom said all was quiet, though Romeo spent the day next door. He was parked on the lawn as if to make room for someone else, but no one else came.

All I heard from mom and daughter was that little kid, but only for a second when I got up and went to pee. I just hope it’s not living there!

For some reason, it’s always around New Year’s that I start getting more vibes and visions about the future. So far, I’m not seeing much, but I am starting to vibe we’ll be staying in Oregon, though I don’t know where in Oregon.

I have no future job vibes for Tom, but I sense what we already know – his current job’s a dead end.

I see us renting a house for 4 years, but cannot see the house itself. Perhaps a 2-bedroom with small rooms? We will rent it till February or March of 2009 when the queen dies of a massive stroke. With the money she’ll leave, we’ll buy a 1600-square-foot manufactured home in a location still unknown to me, and we’ll also get Kaori. Or someone else if they have new models by then that I like even better.

Sadly, I see Blondie dying in August.

I used an earplug with the fan instead of the sound machine, so I slept better today. Condensation started dripping off the windowsill closest to mom and daughter, so I pulled stuff away from it, along with the one that overlooks ours and Bev’s patios, and wiped them down. Then I foiled the window by mom and daughter, and sure enough, all the while I was foiling them, the daughter went back and forth 4 times. This was just before 8:00 and both sides were lit up, too. I’m still not entirely sure when these people sleep or how they can afford to stay home all the time. I miss the days of having my neighbors work all day, but I haven’t had that since I moved in with Tom.

At one point I saw the daughter go over to her side and take out a garbage bag. She never once looked up at me, so if she noticed me, she paid no attention, not that I’d care.

Well, I’ll just remind myself every time they slam doors and Bev slams her furniture that one day this will all be just a memory. Meanwhile, this 6-month sentence, versus the one in jail, is far more comfortable and quieter!

We got something in the mail we both have mixed emotions about. We got a card from the queen and one from Miss Perfect and Dave. Miss Perfect wrote that they “figured” money would be more useful than a package, and I was like, you’re just now figuring that out? So she enclosed a check for $100 and the queen enclosed a check for $300 and sent them here. While this certainly helps, it doesn’t get us out of the hole. Tom had hoped for twice as much, but we’re never going to be out of the hole anyway. Still, it was a cheap, half-assed attempt to help what’s supposed to still be their homeless son/brother and his wife (we told them we’ve “arranged” to get our mail at this address). Anyway, they’ll still be receiving the silent treatment from me, and Tom agrees that’s best.

I said to Tom, “See? Nothing about the queen’s health.” That’s no doubt cuz the doctor took one look at her and said, “You’re a hypochondriac! There ain’t a damn thing wrong with you. Go home!”

But Tom disagreed, saying that now wouldn’t be an appropriate time to mention it if there were something wrong.

But it’s appropriate to sit back and do nothing to help your homeless family members?

He’s going to put some money into that game site and play against others, and I’m going to get incense, incense oil, bags, light bulb rings, and designer body oil. It’ll come to roughly $65 with shipping. This is a wholesale order I’m going to do. I just hope they don’t fuck up the order and that I get it in 2-3 weeks and no longer!

Later…

I just heard a series of mild bangs when I was in the dining area eating a chicken pot pie. I couldn’t tell which side it was coming from, though I’ve never known mom and daughter to bang that much. It wasn’t as fierce as last Sunday, but if it wasn’t coming from Bev, then where could it have come from? I went and looked in back to see if there were any lights on over there and there didn’t appear to be. However, if there was a light on in the living room, I may not be able to tell, or behind thick bedroom drapes. I peered out front to see if I could see light spilling out onto the lawn from her living room window, but I couldn’t tell with the streetlight right there. I thought I heard a few mild bumps and bangs last night around this time, too. They lasted 5-10 minutes. If it was her, what the hell’s she doing??? And why do the quiet neighbors either move or get noisier with time? Even the Mormons and freeloaders started off quiet! I am such a magnet for noise it isn’t funny, though I can’t swear it was in fact Bev. I doubt, however, I could hear inside banging from mom and daughter. Not unless they were hammering on the wall just outside here or dropped a grand piano or a refrigerator. Perhaps it was car doors I heard, though I doubt that, too. People around here just don’t have tons and tons of company like the freeloaders did. Besides, there’d be no place for half a dozen cars to park. There’s no parking allowed on this street. Oh well. In 129 days this will all be just a memory.

PG has a sweepstake that said no purchase was necessary to enter it, so I did. The winner gets a check for 5 grand, plus a grand worth of in-stock PG dolls. Then 10 runners-up get $250 worth of PG dolls. The drawing will be on March 4th. I know I have no chance, but I entered anyway.

Here’s something rather funny. We got tons and tons of useless trash in our Maricopa yard, yet the one piece of trash Tom found in our yard here, turned out to be a $2 winning lottery ticket.

Tom read that a woman paid 50 grand for a cloned cat. And I thought I was crazy to want a doll that cost 6 grand!

Haven’t heard from Bev since Sunday’s banging spree. I figured she’d return to being quiet for a while. I just can’t wait to get back into a house! That should be in about 130 days if things could go our way for once. But are we staying in Klamath Falls? Heading west but staying in Oregon? Going to California?

On Monday, Tom said he saw a guy around 30 rummaging through Bev’s garage, which is chock full of shit, as he guessed it was, but there was no other vehicle around. He said it looked like they were pulling out baby stuff and that that would explain the banging; because they were going through the house gathering up the stuff.

But for 7 hours? 7 hours to search for baby stuff? And they had to slam shit around to do it? What, was she storing baby stuff under her furniture? And why were the clothes she had on the line toddler-size or even older and not baby clothes?

I take it that was her son that he saw, but why would he be here without a car? Is he staying here?

She was hanging out clothes today too, but from what I could see, they were her usual dark, drab clothes.

I miss the days of having our neighbors be a mystery to us, or close enough to it. I may’ve known things like when the renters got their horse and when they got rid of it. And I may’ve known when they’d start up that loud truck they had. However, I’d never know things like if they’d clean and turn their place upside down by slamming shit around! Bev may be a lot easier to deal with than a pack of hateful, vengeful freeloaders, but she’s still more than I’d like to have as a part of my life. It’s still stressful for me to live this close to others. I’m either stressed out because they’re noisy and when they’re not, I’m stressing that they’re going to be any minute. If there’s one thing I despise, it’s having my peace stolen!

The picture site that published my 3 rat pictures has a daily puzzle contest where you get 2 chances to win $50. They have a random time stamp, and whoever submits their entry closest to the time stamp wins! I know the odds are as astronomical as Lucky Surf’s lottery, but it’s fun anyway.

Later…

I slept horribly today. I fell asleep right after he left for work and woke up so many times between 10:30 and 1:30 that I ended up not getting up till 6:00. The question is, was I dreaming? Was it street noise that woke me up? Or any of the neighbors? If Bev’s got a kid staying with her, it would be going in and out, but then why haven’t we heard or seen it? Tom said it’s been dead quiet and I have to agree that we’d at least feel the vibration of it running around over there if there was one. I did hear a kid on the other side and wondered if that was what I heard out and about today, and he said that while they may have a kid visiting, it’s too cold for them to be out. It’s been clear, so the temperature’s dropped.

Well, I know Bev has come and gone without waking me up because there have been times I’ve awoken to see clothes on the line, so I don’t know what it was. Just the sleep curse making me think something woke me up? The gate flapping in the wind (if there was any)? I guess I’ll start using earplugs during the daytime and scramble to get back on days as fast as I can, but you know, if there’s something up there that doesn’t want me sleeping during the daytime and that’s why this is happening, then why doesn’t it give me a hand with holding a damn schedule?!

Beverly nearly drove me crazy again today. Not with the music, but with another all-day banging spree. Tom said that he walked up to the store, which was quite a long walk, and she was gone when he left. She was still gone when he returned too, but then a couple of hours before I got up, the banging began. It’s a miracle she didn’t wake me up, and if she had, there’s no way I’d let her get away with it. I’d be out knocking on her bedroom window in the middle of the night which wouldn’t disturb Tom.

A few days ago I began to wonder if perhaps now her grandkid has been born because she’s been out more often and Romeo’s been coming around a lot less. Also, there were toddler-size clothes hanging on her line today, making me think she may be doing laundry for her son and daughter-in-law to give them a break if they just had another kid. Supposedly they’ve got others, but her total number of grandkids changed between our first and second chat. First she had said she had 2 grandkids and one on the way, then it became 5 grandkids with one on the way.

The question is, was she moving furniture around on a cleaning spree? Or did she have grandkids over that was causing the banging? It isn’t uncommon for people to take kids for a night or two here and there to give their parents a break. Especially when another one comes out of the oven.

Another question is, how could she not know that we could hear all the racket she made today? I was surprised she didn’t know we could hear the bass, either. Is she that dumb or what? Or is she just a hypocrite who’s as inconsiderate as she is considerate about disturbing others? Well, I know one thing for sure and that’s that there’s no way I’m going to worry about my singing. Not with them and their doors next door, and not with her over there banging. Why oh why do people in rentals feel so compelled to either blast music or bang? Either way, I’m not going to worry about being quiet myself. I’m not going to blast music myself or toss shit around on and off for hours on end like she did today and 5 Sundays ago, but I’m not going to be as sure to step lightly when walking around here unless Tom’s asleep.

I can’t believe it went on for 7 hours. 7 hours! How long can it possibly take to clean a 1-bedroom place? All that from a 51-year-old woman, though it wasn’t continually. Sometimes you wouldn’t hear anything for half an hour, then boom! The whole structure would shake. I could even feel some tremors in the bedroom with headphones on! And she doesn’t know we can hear/feel it? I wonder if perhaps she does, but she just doesn’t care. Maybe she figures, well, I’ve cut the music, so as a compromise, I’m not going to worry about throwing furniture around when I want to clean (assuming that’s what it was really all about).

A glance at the calendar showed her last banging spree to be 5 Sundays ago, so I wonder if she’s going to do a big all-day cleaning job once a month. As annoying as it is, I could live with it, even though I don’t want to, knowing we’re out of here in May. We better be anyway, and I hope Christmas is as peaceful as Thanksgiving was!

Sometimes when she goes out, I look longingly at the dividing wall, wishing I could magically part it just wide enough to squeeze through. I’d love to check out what she’s got and help myself to anything I may want. Then I’d squeeze back to our side, leaving no trace of ever having been over there and Beverly to suspect management. With no forced entry, and with the partition in the wall magically disappearing, she could only think they let themselves in while she was gone.

Tom’s research showed that Redding may be our best bet when it comes time to move to California. It’s in very northern California and is a small town, but not so small that he couldn’t get a job there. Then, when he retires, Eureka, which is right on the coast and a little farther south, may be our best bet. I don’t know if we’re staying in town, moving to the coast of Oregon or to California in May, but I’ll settle for just getting out of here and into a house with no one so close or attached to it!

As for his mother dying, well, we’re going to need his inheritance whether she dies now, in 10 years, or 20, so I guess she may as well live on to accumulate more money, even though we could really use a good grand or so now!

Tom asked me if I placed a spell on his nutty coworker, Lisa, but I haven’t had a reason to. At least not yet, but anyway, she lost her father a few days ago. He suddenly up and died of a stroke. Well, he was in a coma first, but then they agreed to shut off his life support cuz he’d only be a vegetable if he woke up. He was a year younger than Tom and said to be healthy, which is rather scary.

Also, the guy who stocks their soda machine’s son was hit by a car and is in a coma. He was showing off for his girlfriend by back-wheeling on his bike when he slipped off the curb with no time to stop himself from being hit. I guess it was a busy road.

I got one hell of a surprise in the mail from Paula yesterday. Not only did she send a birthday card, but she also sent a $10 bill, too! I couldn’t believe it! I still can’t. So I’m burning her 5 CDs in wave format with over 70 songs, plus I’ll send her the incense when I get it next month if they can keep from fucking up my order and the mailman can deliver it with no problems.

I called to thank Paula for the card and money, and she said the PR she was seeing must be gay for sure since they haven’t done anything. Also, his mother’s crazy, and they’ve taken out a restraining order on her for what she says is no reason at all. She didn’t beat up on anyone, she said, and has to go to court on Monday, but doesn’t plan on showing up.

I told her a little about the dolls, then Tom and I were laughing at the idea of her getting a male doll. Then she could have sex anytime she wanted it (this chick’s got a typical male’s appetite) and she could beat up on it without having to go to court! I’ll be sure to tell her so too, in my next letter to her.

It’s sad to think of how when Paula and I became buddies 15 years ago our lives were the same. She was poor, I was poor. She lived in the slums, I lived in the slums. She was alone, I was alone. The only difference was that she had a son and I didn’t. Now, all these years later, she’s still in the same predicament while I’ve experienced so many changes, good and bad.

They’re going to publish the third rat picture I submitted and enter me as a semi-finalist to win one of their 114 prizes - a bronze medal, a silver medal, $1,000 or $10,000. I had a vibe on one of the medals, but I doubt it. I mean, for a rat? On the other hand, I’d be quicker to medal on that than I would be to get my first submitted manuscript published. Someday, though, as my writing continues to improve, I think God would let even me publish a book. Why? Because I’m not as desperate to do so as I once was to become a singer and a mother, and there’s no real money in it.

I got a reply from the Realdoll people saying they would send me a catalog, even though it’s not as up-to-date as their website is, so that’s good. It’s those who ignore me that I fear doing business with, even if it’ll be half a decade before we can do business. I also asked them a few more questions about the dolls.

They gave Tom a $25 gift certificate for Fred Meyer. Good, we need a microwave and we miss having one!

Anytime now, if they haven’t already, Doe and Art will learn we’re in Oregon. And if I cared what they thought, I’d be like, oh great. the queen’s going to tell them we came here just to end up broke and homeless (they still think we’re in motels) and they can think I’m still a loser bound to keep failing while they live in luxury, as they’ve always done.

Anyway, as long as they continue to stay out of my life, I don’t give a shit what they think, though I’m sure the queen will tell them we’re “down on our luck.”

The Bevster’s out hanging clothes again. I never would’ve thought people would be hanging clothes out here in December! I’m not surprised, though, since she didn’t hang much yesterday and usually does laundry towards the end of the week. I heard her door this time, too. At least I think I did. Maybe she wasn’t in a hurry to get rid of me yesterday, but as long as she stays quiet, I don’t care if she was.

Here’s another thing that’s always going to be something to want, but never to have. They have these sex dolls called RealDolls. I did extensive research on them, and obviously I wouldn’t use them for anything sexual, but they sure do look more realistic than anything I’ve ever seen before! The catch is that they’re between 4-6 grand and shipping is between 2-5 hundred. They range in height from 5’1” - 5’10”. I want a doll that stands taller than me, but these can’t stand unassisted anyway, so although I like tall, I’d get short because they’re a little lighter. Still, the heaviest one might be a bitch to dress, though probably still easier than a regular mannequin only because I think it’d be a bit tough to pull the limbs off a mannequin and pop them back on. Plus, you have to be really careful you don’t break a regular mannequin’s fingers. They range in weight from 75-115 pounds and are made mainly of silicone that has a realistic feel to it. The dolls are very flexible and anatomically correct. You can custom design the doll, choosing everything from how much pussy hair you want, if any at all (I’d worry about those preferring shaved; too little girlish), plus the wig style, color, eye color, face/body type, etc. Even the makeup colors, the thickness of eyeliner, and nail color!

Tom had heard of these dolls and said he last heard they were selling for 5 grand. I found a site that I thought sold them for 2 grand, but then I realized that was only for this one doll made of latex rather than silicone that’s not nearly as realistic as the silicones, though more realistic than a regular fiberglass mannequin. They’re lighter too, at 25-30 pounds. Also, you have to assemble the doll yourself and you don’t get a choice of body, wig style, eye color or face. Just hair color. This doll doesn’t have a skeleton like the silicones, so she’s not as poseable. Bendable is more like it, they said, and she’ll even bend in places that humans don’t, like in the forearm.

The Realdolls also have articulated fingers and very realistic hands because, unlike other dolls that have sculpted hands, Realdoll hands are molded from real people, leaving lines, veins and even fingerprints!

The wigs are attached with Velcro which seems like a better idea than glue.

The pussy hair is embedded one at a time, part of why they’re so expensive. You can choose from natural, trimmed or bald.

There is a doll called Superbabe, but she’s also pretty pricey and not quite as realistic. Not that it’d matter to someone like me who wants to use them for decoration, but their pussies look funny because the openings are set a couple of inches higher to make for easier penetration.

For $500 extra, they’ll equip the thing with a dick and make it a he-she.

They are shipped in crates with screws and I was surprised at the wide variety of people that buy these things. Yes, even collectors like me get them! They’re not just for horny male sluts. Some couples want them to enhance their sex lives and experience a threesome without the possible complications that go with having the third party be real. Housewives get them and so do store owners. Even Howard Stern bought one and commented on how great it was. I just don’t see how a guy, or anyone, could get off on something that isn’t real, but I guess that’s just me.

Some of the FAQs and comments were hilarious. One guy asked if he could return the doll when he felt the “honeymoon” was over.

One woman said she was concerned they’d distort men’s views of women and even make them not want real women and cause her to have a hard time finding a guy (like most guys could afford them anyway?). Then again, she said, a shortage of those kinds of guys wouldn’t be such a bad idea!

Some praised it saying that it was a good way for guys into socially unacceptable behavior to act out their deviant acts. In other words, if he wants to beat the shit out of her, she won’t feel it, though I would think guys like that would want real women that could feel the pain they inflict. That’s the whole idea for those whackos.

Some describe them as twisted works of art.

One guy asked if she could grip him, could she do doggie-style, etc.

Another guy who had just received his doll said that while it was nice that she came with flowers, it would’ve been better if she’d come with a TV remote in hand (how cockish).

One of the funny pros in the pros/cons section was that they’re said to make an excellent companion for women on the road. That was one of the funniest ones! However, I can kind of see how they’d be a bit “comforting,” so to speak like a teddy bear can be comforting to a child, and my dolls can be comforting to me to have set up and displayed all over the place.

I want one more than I’ve ever wanted any other material thing except for a house. If my only choices were to get one but never any other dolls for as long as I live or to not get one and get all the other dolls I like, I’d only get a silicone. I was hoping I could get one when the queen goes, but I don’t think so. I picture her leaving us about 20 grand. Could be a lot less if the bitch ends up in a hospice in the end. Plus, it’s almost as expensive to die as it is to live. Your average funeral is around 5–15 grand, but she’s cheap so she wouldn’t be going underground in no luxury coffin. Still, even with 20 grand, a Realdoll would take up a quarter of that and that money’s probably going to go towards us getting a house. If Tom were okay with me getting a Realdoll at the time, I will, though he’d probably prefer to spend the money on other things. Maybe I could get one with the sale of the house, but that won’t be till around when he retires.

Although the latex one is more realistic than a regular mannequin, and a regular mannequin is breakable and doesn’t come with outfits like the latex and silicones, I don’t think she’s worth the 2 grand. In other words, if you’ve got thousands of dollars – get silicone. If not, just get a regular mannequin. The latex one can’t close its legs so getting jeans on it would be impossible. I wouldn’t want a doll that could only sit with its legs spread and I would want to dress them in regular clothes and not trashy, slutty lingerie. Although they have no wrist seams like regular mannequins, they have shoulder seams like they do.

Of their silicones, I totally love, love, love this one named Kaori with dark brown eyes and black hair. I think she’s Asian because from what my online research shows, Kaori seems to be a Japanese name. She’s only 5’ 1”, but for a doll that’s mighty big! Why oh why can’t I psych out 30 grand or more at a casino?!?! Then we could get a house and a Realdoll. I want her sooo bad, but oh well. Life is for the rich.

Later…

I’m so excited! I told Tom of my research and he said that 6 grand isn’t exactly an insanely outrageous amount. I guess not when you consider the fact that some things cost 100 grand or more. Plus my current collection is probably about 3 grand and that’s not counting Barbies or dolls I’ve sold. I decided I’d gladly give up collecting dolls altogether for Kaori, so I’ll end up with less than 10 grand in dolls, not a huge fortune for someone to make off with when I’m dead, though when I’m dead I won’t care. Still, all I’m getting between now and whatever year I can get Kaori is incense, clothes, books and DVDs. A lot fewer mail games to have to play!

We’re now trying a free trial DVD offer from another site. It’s only about $17 a month, though, and Tom thinks it may be worth it since we don’t have a TV. All we can watch is local TV and there’s never anything of interest to me there. He sometimes watches it, though. Anyway, we’ve got some suspense movies on the way.

Another funny thing someone wrote about the dolls was about their concern over men losing touch with reality with them. Then again, she said, if they can’t distinguish reality from fantasy, a lack of these dolls wouldn’t do them any good.

I was shocked to learn that these dolls can withstand over 400 pounds of pressure and 300º of heat. Nothing sticks to silicone either.

You can also request dolls with tan lines, and you can pierce them anywhere and put tattoos on them. I don’t care for tan lines or tats, but I’ll definitely pierce her ears.

You can apply/remove makeup on her if you want, though I’m going to get mine pre-done.

They say the skin may feel tacky at first cuz of the oils in it and so you should apply baby powder to it and it’ll diminish in time.

Unlike latex, silicone won’t dry rot in time and the silicone has a 400% elongation before it’ll tear (for perverts who want to pull her nipples). Also, the tits won’t leak because they’re of a cured form of silicone rubber which has the consistency of firm gelatin, and not a liquid.

She comes in a crate that’s 150 pounds when loaded, and they not only pad the inside, but they hang her from a neck bolt on a bracket that you can mount in your home. Maybe that’ll make dressing her even easier. All dolls come with a mini dress, a bra, panties, thigh-high stockings, and high-heeled shoes. They may be a bit sleazy, but you definitely can’t get that with a regular mannequin! Also, I’d be worried about finding shoes that’d fit the thing. I’m sure it’d be easy enough to find the right shoe size, but not the heel size, and of course, a mannequin’s ankles can’t move like Realdolls.

Another good thing about having a doll close to my height is that she can wear a lot of my clothes and shoes, although you can mix and match faces and bodies so I may get the Kaori face on Jenny or Angela’s body.

I just can’t believe how lifelike they are! They make my most realistic dolls seem like Barbies. They can even stick their tongues out!

Two nights ago a car pulled over in front of Bev’s place. We thought it broke down by the way its blinkers were on, yet it wasn’t there for long, nor did a tow truck ever come for it. Then the next day at work Tom heard a DJ on the radio saying how he hit a deer on “Shasta Way of all places.”

I caught Bev in the backyard taking down her clothes because I wanted to ask her about the spiders here since she’s a native. She said there are quite a few in the summer, but not in the winter. I asked if they got to be 6” wide and she said no, so that was good to hear.

Although her attitude didn’t seem any different, she almost seemed like she was in a hurry to get away from me, and afterward, I realized I never heard her door opening and closing like I usually do. Maybe it’s because I complained about her, but that’s ok because unless either of us has any other complaints, there’s no reason for us to chat ever again. I was just curious at first and then I wanted to get her to cut the bass and then I wanted to try to sell her my spider plant, but she says she has enough plants. I’m just glad she doesn’t pester me like I worried she may do at first. Not everyone’s alone by choice, though from what she’s told me, she is.

Unless it’s a coincidence, Webshots seems to have taken my advice. They have a section where you can leave feedback and I complained that there are too many holiday-related pictures. Not only are some of us not religious, but 2 out of the 4 daily pictures containing Christmas themes beginning 3 weeks before Christmas is a bit overkill. I don’t dig the idea of paying for a zillion Santa pictures!

I forgot to mention getting a Bob letter a few days ago. His lungs are pretty bad, he says. A nurse told him that if he weren’t an inmate he could have a lung transplant. Yeah, I believe it. I’d hate to have a baby in custody. I mean, I can’t believe they’d give you anything for the pain, and I doubt they prep you first like they’re supposed to. They’re supposed to shave your pubic hair and then numb/cut your pussy to make it wider. In custody, though, I’m sure they just let the baby rip on through without giving a damn how badly it tears the woman or how many stitches she’d end up needing on account of it if they cared enough to let her have the stitches in the first place.

There’s this site that lets you play games for money. When you first sign up they give you $6 to play with for practice. I played Mahjong for fun, but I don’t think I’ll ever want to play for real money. It’s like with the lottery; the odds of winning are too low. Tom may put a little money in next month, though. He’s better at some of the card games than I am at Mahjong.

I decided not to worry about my schedule right now. Since I am able to sleep during the daytime here, I figure there’s no need to get all immune to Melatonin till I absolutely need to stay on schedule which shouldn’t be till we get close to moving. Besides, the less I use, the less often I have to buy more, and the more we save.

Later…

Tom got home with some pretty bad news (what else is new). He has to start looking for a new job like yesterday because insurance at work for us both would be $500 a month! That’s insane! The problem is that Oregon requires its employees to take insurance if their employers offer it, but hell, we could practically buy it ourselves at that price. So this is how it’s going to be? He’s going to float from one minimum wage job after another until he retires? Then we’ll struggle off the remaining years of our lives? Thanks, God, thanks a fucking lot!

On the flip side, Tom just told me that between his AMEX pension and social security, we’re eligible for twice as much as we’re making now once he retires. Then he ought to hurry up and turn 65, I told him.

Still, a part of me hopes I won’t have to kill myself because all these years of missed exams will fail to serve as an early detection of some deadly disease that’ll kill me instead, but I know that’s not in my cards. If I truly do live to be old, I’ll probably be very healthy till the last 5-10 years.

Why can’t we have the simplest of things in life? Just the simplest of things? Just a secure job that pays the bills, a reasonable, affordable insurance plan, and a house no one can spite us out of?

We went to Jan’s who finally got her incense from Bob and Jeff. Apparently, they lost her order, so they had to send another one. She was pissed, and I don’t blame her. I wonder if she’ll order from them again. Anyway, she had 8 scents I like, but they left out one of them - Jasmine. They better not fuck up my order next month! I ended up getting Angel, my favorite, plus Patchouli, Bump & Grind, Hibiscus, Sweet Musk, Booty Call and Puddy Cat.

On the way back to the car I met Lisa, his coworker, as she was driving by. This is the big, mean, high-strung one who went to jail for stabbing her husband. He gave her a few pieces of raw turquoise since we just can’t seem to sell it.

They’re having a potluck and gift exchange thing on Friday. Fortunately, he doesn’t have to participate which is good. We’re too broke. Besides, he goes there to work, not to party and socialize.

Since the snow’s melted, they’ve been going back and forth more often next door to the bedroom here. It still seems like such a waste of money to pay nearly a grand for the two places when they can just get a 2- or 3-bedroom house. Who’d have ever thought I’d hear more from them than from next door, though? The daughter’s definitely nocturnal. Her curtains are drawn during the daytime and wide open at night with the TV going, and it’s usually early in the morning and then in the evening when I hear the doors.

Our electric bill came, and sure enough, it was expensive at $170. Not the $450 we’d have during the summers in Arizona, but still, it’s $50 higher than Tom thought it’d be and more than we can afford right now, even though it was for 38 days.

I just hope we really make it out of here in May! The people next door could decide to camp right outside my bedroom window during the summer when it’s nice enough to do so, and I don’t want to be here to find out for sure if they really are going to do that, any more than I want to find out what Beverly will be replaced with once she decides to move!

Just 23 more days left of this wretched year! I really believe that part of the reason it was so bad was that it was a 4 year.

We got the first two DVDs from that 2-week trial thing we’re doing with Blockbuster. One was a suspense movie we both saw and the first disc of season 2 of Charlie’s Angels. I got stills from it, but I still intend to buy the DVDs outright, if we can ever have that kind of extra money again. I still feel like we’re never going to get ahead!

Tom’s thinking of writing a computer program with an educational twist to it, then seeing if either Microsoft or the government will give him a grant. As clever as his idea is, I don’t think it’ll work for the same reason I don’t think I could ever sell books – because we weren’t meant to have money. We both agree he should at least try, even if you can’t alter fate, because he likes to write programs as much as I like to write books. At least there’s one good thing to never having money and that’s that when we die, it won’t be profitable to whatever state we die in since we won’t have any people to leave what we have to!

I did some more research on PD Publishing. They say they are not a vanity publisher, whatever that means, and that they pay their authors competitive royalties based on the achieved book sales. Manuscript submissions go through an in-depth selective process, and once contracted, the manuscript is professionally edited and typeset to the company’s standards. I guess this means that if I did miss a couple of typos, they won’t automatically reject what they may’ve otherwise accepted.

What’s weird, though, is that in their authors/books section, they only have like half a dozen books and some aren’t scheduled for release till next year. Then again, I guess it’s not much of a surprise when you think of how many writers there are, then how many gay/lezzy writers there are.

Since they didn’t say they weren’t currently accepting manuscripts, I’d say Artemis is probably not going to ask for my manuscript. I think “3 strikes and I’m out” would be a good way to start. Meaning, if PD rejects Sacrifices, I’ll sic this current book on them when it’s ready. If they kick that out, I’ll submit College Romance. If they boot that - it simply wasn’t meant to be as I figured all along. I know I probably shouldn’t be doing this in the first place, but that’s me for you - always doing silly things.

I was comparing our weather with Springfield and found it to be pretty similar – in the 40s, rain mixed with snow. Then I checked Maricopa, and sure enough, almost every day for the next 10 days will be sunny and the highs will range from the mid-60s to the mid-70s. While it’s easy for me to wish it would be like that here so I could wear summer clothes, turn off the heat and open windows to let the fresh air in, I know that everyone would be in their driveways bouncing basketballs if the weather here were like it is down there!

Yesterday we got a couple of inches of snow. At 1 PM it was dark and dreary. It’s warmer and sunny out today and the sun is rapidly melting the snow off the roof. I can see it dripping down past the living room window from here.

Tom sent a brief but vague email to Miss Perfect yesterday. He says he guarantees they’ll send extra money, but that they wouldn’t with me because I was too much in their face. He’s wrong. Even I know his own mom better than he does. She doesn’t give a shit and will never send anything extra.

Our biggest worry is his job and whether or not they’ll lay him off before he can find something new. There’s always something going on. We’re never going to be able to live in peace, never.

I finally figured out where I’m going with this story I’m working on now, as far as its ending goes. Now it’s just a matter of taking the time to finish it and tie up loose ends, then proofread it.

When I was copying parts of another story for Bob, I was alarmed at how many typos there were. It seems that no matter how many times I go through a manuscript, I miss typos and other little discrepancies. I’m worried that the manuscript I submitted to PD Publishing will have typos too, though I think they have editors that are supposed to touch up things like that. The question is, will they accept it in the first place? It seems that they shouldn’t be able to be so picky when it comes to “gay writing” since I’d think it’s not a very common thing, but also, gay writing that does get published must not sell well with there not being as much of a market for it.

I was going to hand-write more stories for Bob, then said nah. It’s too much work. I’ve done/do enough work for others at my own expense. I’ll just send weekly or biweekly letters.

Yesterday turned out to be lots of fun. It was a refreshing break from the usual bump and grind.

First, the queen surprised me by sending me a birthday card/check after all. Again, it makes no sense to not give a damn if someone’s homeless while you care to remember their birthday. On the other hand, whoever said most people made sense? This money, plus the Christmas money Tom says he thinks she’ll send will go towards a wholesale incense order, and maybe – maybe – a PG doll or two.

I got a lot of little goodies yesterday, but first we went to the PO to mail the first half of College Romance to Bob. I hope he gets it! They have some pretty sophisticated machines today. You weigh the envelope/package, it tells you how much it weighs/costs, you pay for it with your credit card, then it tells you when it’ll probably arrive. It printed out a bigger postage sticker than we expected. We had to turn it sideways or else it would’ve covered the address. It’s pretty cool, though I was surprised they said it’d probably arrive on Tuesday. I’d have thought Thursday would be more like it.

At the dollar store, I got a couple of tablecloths; one pink, one purple. I don’t really like how they’re so paper-thin, but that’s why they were just a buck. I’ve got one on the weathered table that’s in the dining area. I also got a package of 40 peppermint incense cones, but they were way too smoky, so I’ll sic them on Paula. I also got lotion, a cookie sheet, and another bath glove to make scrubbing dead skin off even easier now that I can do it with two hands.

We went to a bookstore where I got a couple of Mary Higgins Clark books. Before we leave, I’ll trade/donate the books I’ve accumulated to lighten the load.

At K-Mart, I got a couple of small cheap perfume knock-offs, Primo and Skin Musk, a 6-pack of multi-flavored lip gloss sticks, a notebook with rose-colored paper, multi-colored pens, and a $20 pair of headphones that sure beats those earbuds. They’re not quite as comfortable as my old pair, though, cuz they’re new so they’re still tight. They should break in fast enough, though.

I got a few dollars of incense, but Jan wasn’t there. There also wasn’t any incense on display from IG, so I don’t know what happened with that.

The scenery was depressingly ugly. I always thought winter was one ugly season with the snow and the trees looking all dead without their leaves.

Tom’s going to switch music computers once again. Yes, the other one stutters more, but it has a better sound card.

We’re also going to put the rat in one of the bigger cages. I figured, what the hell? He’ll be happier to have more room, no doubt, and like it or not, he’s getting a bath today!

Tom’s also going to do my ear and add more air to the bed.

When I was showering early this morning, I went to crack the window to let some of the steam out, and sure enough, I could see the glow of the daughter’s TV, even at 4:00 in the morning. I wonder why she’s up all night if she doesn’t work 1st or 2nd shift. Maybe she’s just nocturnal, though I swear these people never sleep. I don’t hear them going back and forth as much since it’s gotten really cold and snowy, but I still hear them at all hours of the morning, afternoon and evening.

Later…

Today there were a few snow flurries, but that’s it so far. It’s supposed to warm up to 50º by the weekend.

Romeo hasn’t been coming around, and Bev’s been quiet. I still can’t believe how quiet this place is. Tom said all the places he’s rented are like this, but this is a first for me. Of course, I never lived in a duplex before either, and an apartment in an apartment building is never all that quiet compared to a duplex. Besides, I still say that without a doubt there was a noise curse on me.

We signed up for a free DVD rental trial offer where you cue up a list of movies you want to see. They send you one to keep as long as you want, plus provide a SASE for you to mail it back when you’re ready to. When you do, they send you the next one on your list.

The rat’s now bathed and in a bigger cage, I’ve got my old sound card back and old music computer and Tom fixed an old portable cigarette lighter to make blowing up my bed easier. This way he just hooks it up to a big battery when we go to add air to it. All I need him to do now is clean my ear.

Tom thinks I’m inadvertently psyching his scratch tickets to lose. Because I’m so sure we’ll never be allowed to win a large sum of money, he thinks that when he buys tickets in my presence, I’m causing them to lose. He says it only happens when I’m around, though he agrees he only wins small amounts when I’m not.

I finally decided to settle my curiosity and measure the living room and bedroom. The living room is approximately 21 x 13 and the bedroom is about 16 x 13. Pretty big rooms.

The bad news is that although they say they’re trying really hard not to, people may be getting laid off at work. As it is, December’s such a slow month that they’re allowing people time off who want it and can afford to take it, and they’re only going to work half a day today. They might even cut down to 4 days a week, so Tom’s going to be hunting for a new job ASAP.

The good news is that our rent’s paid for this month, so if worse came to worst and they let him go right now, we’re paid up throughout the month, then we’d probably have to be about a month late before they gave us a 30-day notice, so we should have a roof over our heads at least until March, and by then he should certainly have a new job unless something up there really wants us to suffer as if we haven’t done so enough already.

For my 39th birthday tomorrow, we’re gonna put all our curses aside and have some fun. Well, it’ll certainly be more fun for me than for him, but we’re going to spend a few bucks since we’re so broke anyway. We’re going to go to the dollar store, to K-Mart for those cheap imitation perfumes I like, to see if Jan’s open and I can get some incense, to buy a few books at a thrift store, and for some Chinese food.

I asked Tom if he’d feel used if he got a book published and only got a fraction of the sales, and he said no, so I submitted Sacrifices to another publishing company called PD Publishing. They don’t do e-books, though they too, cater to gay/lesbian writers. They also don’t have as many submission guidelines. I screwed up at first by sending them the story in the body of an email message which ended up putting lines between paragraphs that they said they didn’t want. So I sent a note asking if they’d like me to attach the file to the email instead, and they replied saying, yes, attach/send it, and feel free to ask any questions I may have during the 4-6 weeks it’ll take for them to give me their decision. I can’t imagine God allowing me to publish a book no matter how well it may be written, but it’s still fun anyway, and these people seem friendlier than Artemis, who I submitted College Romance and haven’t heard a thing from.

There are still patches of snow out there and it’s supposed to start up again on my birthday. As funny as it may sound, I would keep the snow out there till we move if I could because it’s doing a good job of keeping Beverly from going in and out the back, and even mom and daughter aren’t visiting each other much lately.

This morning, as well as yesterday morning, Bev went out twice. Yesterday each trip was only for a few minutes. At one point she unloaded something from the trunk. Although I couldn’t see clearly through the moisture on the windows, I’m pretty sure it was groceries. This morning she was gone the second time around for more than a few minutes, but I was too tired to stick around to find out how long she’d be gone. The only thing I can think of that would suddenly have her going out like that is that she said her daughter-in-law was expecting, so maybe she just had the kid.

Tom did the math, and if nothing interfered with our plans for once, we could own a house in 5 years, which we decided to do rather than go to a retirement community when he’s 55, simply because we’d want to build up equity first so we could retire in comfort when we do. Maybe a home in California isn’t just a dream after all, but one that simply isn’t meant to be any time too soon. He said we can even afford another house like in Maricopa, though I doubt we’ll get anything that big again. Yes, it was a really cool layout, but it was a tremendous waste of space and a bitch to clean. Tom said he never felt comfortable in that house.

Later…

I was out pulling in the back wind chimes since I so rarely hear them, figuring it was a waste to let them get weathered out when I should just wait till we move. I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to take in the front chimes or not. Where Maricopa was too windy, this place is too calm. I guess I’d take the wind over the calmness. Part of the constant calmness, though, is cuz it’s so damn cold. I was totally back in the cold and snow of Massachusetts when Beverly came out to “see if her clothes would freeze on the line.”

She’s a bit of a nut, but way cool. The only thing she told me that I wasn’t happy to hear was that these electric wall heaters are supposedly going to cost us a fortune. She said her electric bill was $130 when she kept them at 55º so she went out and got a coil heater for her bedroom and that helped. Plus, she’s on HUD because she’s on permanent disability. They don’t even evaluate her anymore, she said. My vibes, plus being good with people due to all the experiences I’ve had, tells me she’s on the same kind of disability I was on – the one reserved for those who aren’t all there! She’s not out of her mind or dangerous in any way, just high-strung. Her rent’s only $173, the lucky bitch!

I offered her Falling Star (she’s heard of Franklin Mint and Ashton Drake), but between her fixed income, 5 grandkids and one on the way, she’s broke. She said she’d mention her to others, though if no one will give me the $50 I want for her, she’ll go up for auction somewhere.

Anyway, I wonder if she has the same wall heaters. I noticed that the area around them appears to have been patched like there was something else there before. Radiators are the cheapest, but they can get noisy and even spray water.

She said she loves it here, but that it does get noisy in the summertime. Mostly from traffic noise when she opens her doors to let fresh air in.

She said she’s 51 and wished me a happy birthday when I told her I’d be 39 this Saturday.

She told me she lost 50 pounds and has been stuck where she’s at ever since. Damn! She must’ve been huge. She’s gotta be 50 pounds overweight right now. I told her that ever since I quit smoking, I’ve been big. She said she smokes (I figured that by her coughing) and that she can’t take the Nicorette gum I used to quit with because she was in an abusive relationship and got her teeth knocked out.

When I mentioned the stereo, she wasn’t sure if it was her TV which is right along the dividing wall or the stereo in the bedroom. In the end, she decided it was coming from the bedroom where she has 8 speakers as part of a surround sound system, including a bass box. Damn! Her stereo makes mine sound like there’s not much to it. She was really cool about it and said it was no problem to tell her about it because she couldn’t know if I didn’t tell her. I asked if she could hear us and she said only once in a while, but it’s no big deal. She said she’d lower the bass on her stereo and I told her to let her know if I get noisy. I told her Tom’s quiet, but that I sometimes talk loudly and get hyper and start to run from room to room, forgetting we’ve got someone attached to us, and then I catch myself.

She asked if we were going to stay here, and I told her that there were no guarantees, but that we’d probably be moving on in May. She doesn’t know if she’s going to stick around much longer herself, after being here for what’s going on two years. I just hope she doesn’t leave before we do! Then, when we get to wherever we’re going, I hope the neighbors are far enough away that it won’t matter whether or not they’re noisy.

She said she’s up pretty early and that she tries not to do too much too early that could be noisy. I told her I didn’t have a schedule and that sometimes I was up all day, sometimes all night.

What I didn’t get was when she said she sometimes likes to be alone, so she runs into the bedroom and shuts the door, and I was like, but you are alone. Unless Romeo’s visiting, she’s alone all the time so why run into the bedroom?

Today proves I’m not going to get shit from the queen for my birthday because she sent a letter. If she were going to send money, she’d have waited a few more days and sent the money with the letter.

As usual, she went on and on about herself, her puzzles, her crocheting, etc. All she said in regard to us was that it’s been a long time since they’ve heard from us. Really? Gee, I wonder why! She also said Raymond’s in the hospital due to something about his heart and valves. Wouldn’t it be nice if he died right before she did so we could get more money? Nah, Nora would just get his share. Also, Miss Perfect is taking time off from work to play appointment with her. She said she hopes her blood has everything it needs, but of course, I’ll be hoping just the opposite. Not that I feel the least bit of sympathy for Miss Perfect, but if we felt like the queen was more of a daughter than a mother/mother-in-law in the past, imagine how she must feel! Having to take time off to play appointment – how fun. Maybe she and Dave are having the same deadly wishes I have. Yeah well, she ain’t going before she’s 86 or 87, so they better stay used to being her slave.

Tom’s someone I sometimes can’t even begin to fathom. He wants to respond to her, and I’m like, why would you even want to bother responding to someone who doesn’t give a shit about you? Then he confused me by saying we should play up our situation, not that it can be played up much more and not like it’d do a damn bit of good as far as getting any money from her. But then he said he’d be vague and give short explanations of things. At first I was adamantly against it, saying I should send her a piece of my mind and be done with her, but they say true love means not only sacrificing your wishes for your partner but accepting and supporting their ways as well, even if you don’t agree with them. So this means that I’ll support whatever he chooses to do. I just hate to see him end up so disappointed in the end, and can’t imagine why he’d want to bother. I know, however, there’s a huge difference between his mom and mine. Mine was downright abusive while his is just selfish. Anyway, I’m hoping he’ll want to email her, but if he insists I write something while he dictates, I’ll go along with it even though I think it’s a pointless waste of time. It’s his mother anyway.

The fact that it’s been nearly a week and I haven’t gotten a response to a simple little query makes me think I’m not going to. I had started to think, why wouldn’t God let me publish something since there’s no money in it after all, so why not? But then the very simple answer came to me – because I like to write, and if it’s something Jodi likes to do, it usually doesn’t go much further than being just a thought, a dream, or a hobby.

Tom went to get me some incense on Saturday and to see if Jan got her incense from Incense Galore, but she was closed. I hope she’s open next Saturday on my birthday.

We renewed my Webshots membership, though we’re paying month to month instead of a year. It’s $4 a month.

It may be worth paying that a month for Yahoo’s radio extras. It’s so cool what you can do nowadays! You can customize your own radio station, skip songs you don’t like, click links for photos, lyrics and more.

It’s nice not having to vacuum so often as I did in Maricopa now that there’s no dust, dirt and weeds to be tracking inside constantly. I haven’t vacuumed for a couple of weeks now and it still doesn’t need it. I just dust and do the kitchen and bathroom, and that’s it. It goes real quick compared to that big old monster of a house we used to have, though I’d gladly take it back and throw it in the woods somewhere if I could.

We’re still researching where we may move to. Tom thinks some of the small towns closer to Salem, Eugene and Portland may be best. That way we could do rural living while being closer to a bigger city than we are right now (Medford).

I also researched Ukiah, a town I used in one of my stories. It’s a coastal town that’s not too far from Sacramento, but I doubt we’ll end up in California. The further down you go, the more welfare bums there are, though a freeloader 400’ away can be better than a white person attached to you.

It was a quiet weekend. No music from Beverly, or bass, I should say. I was pleasantly surprised.

Later…

Here’s another example of life not being fair. They’re going to pay this chick Tom works with to go to cosmetology school simply because she’s a single mother. But so are half the mothers in the world. Meanwhile, I had to pay what? About 5 grand?

Anyway, I found another gay/lesbian publishing company, though I don’t know if they do e-books or regular print. They don’t say what they pay either if they pay at all. The company I’m still waiting to hear back from says they pay 30% for e-books and 15% for hard copies. Again, it hardly seems fair. The author should get most of the money. They’re the ones who wrote the book. This is why I’m not sure if getting something published would be the big deal Tom thinks it’d be. It’s just that as usual, I’d be working to make other people money much, much more so than I would myself. Just like I said when I had to pay so much of my dancing money out to bouncers, DJs, house tips, etc., I don’t like being used. As far as what’s up there is concerned, I was put here on this earth to serve others. But who services ME?

I may or may not submit the book I’m working on to this other company when it’s done. I’m hesitant only because there’s just no money to be made in it. I’d have to sell a million copies and there’s just no demand for lesbian fiction that’d generate that many sales.

I was surprised to find that some of the gay writers are actually straight, or at least appear to be.

I’m wondering if the reason I haven’t heard back regarding College Romance is that I didn’t meet their recommended word count. Or maybe it just isn’t meant to be.

I have to struggle to talk myself into working out. It’s just that between the combination of me always weighing 127 pounds, and not having the strength to fight the hunger in order to eat less, it’s hard to motivate myself at times. Oh well. I can at least do it to keep fit.