OMG, I feel like such a stupid fool and I am soooo embarrassed!!! Last night I asked Marie if she’d leave a message on our cell phone, letting her know we kept the ringer off all the time unless expecting a call (too many wrong numbers and sales calls). I wanted to hear her voice, but don’t want to talk live and make too many long-distance calls till Tom is working again.

So she left the message and wow, her voice really is low and deep and I would definitely never know it was her if I didn’t know any better as she doesn’t sound like no 15-year-old anymore! I love the sound of her voice. It’s both sexy and totally easy to picture it sounding utterly terrifying if she were pissed. For someone working her way into law enforcement, it’s the perfect voice! She said in an email that she was nervous, though she didn’t sound it. She sort of reminds me of Laurie H.

She also said, not fair! I want to hear your voice, too. So I left a message after I knew she’d be in bed. She said her ringer would be off then and I’d go straight to voicemail. I said something about how cool it was to hear her voice again (in her outgoing message) and that she sounded different there (her voice was higher). Then I suddenly remembered she likes people to speak Spanish to her and I started to end the message with “te amo” (I love you), but realized that Tom was standing right there and I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, so I ended up stuttering like a fool when I quickly stopped myself and said “te extraño” instead (I miss you), so it came out like “te… te extraño.” Tom doesn’t speak Spanish, but I have taught him some basics and he knows “te amo” quite well. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world had I said that. I tell my friends I love and miss them all the time, but he knows she and I are a little more than just “friends.”

I was nervous as well which I didn’t expect. Do I really have that big a thing for this chick? Yeah, I obviously do, LOL!

Gosh, I feel like such a stupid idiot! I’ll call again some other time and try to make up for it, LOL.

I finally got to read Alison’s writing. I knew she’d be a good writer. I could tell that much by her tweets and messages to me. She’s bi but does romance with straight lead characters whereas I do suspense with gay leads. She posted her first chapter on Blogger and it was great. Easy to follow, interesting, and she kept the action going at a good pace, too. I sent her an email, gave her my feedback, then gave her the start of my “Januscript.” She reads most of my stories.

I went to send Jan’s husband a letter and the story, but it bounced back. Figures, huh? Maybe it’s not meant to be. I did email the company itself, but all I could say there was that I was looking for Jim regarding Jan, but his email on Jigsaw bounced. As expected, I haven’t heard anything today what with it being Sunday.

I can’t believe the daughters didn’t get the message and pass it on to Jan. I think I just didn’t leave enough info about myself for Jan to remember me. Or maybe she just doesn’t care, but either way, certainly one of them has gotten the message by now. If I don’t get a response from the hubby, I’ll try the son as a last resort, and that’ll be it.

Speaking of my writing, Eileen’s either busy reading or thoroughly disgusted cuz I haven’t heard from her today, LOL.

Other than sounding like a stuttering fool with a serious brain tumor, not much else is going on. I’m still getting backaches and Tom’s ear is still bothering him. Worst-case scenario he goes to a free clinic and waits 50 years to see a doctor, but hopefully he won’t have to.

He gave me a back rub earlier which helped, but it’s only a matter of time before it starts up again.

So Dorian set up his own site and put the link to my journal on it. The link must now be on 20 different sites!

Let’s see, what else? Oh yeah, Eileen. She emailed me saying I’ve been on her mind, is nursing her husband back to health who just had surgery, and is excited to read the book I’m working on.

That’s when I burst out laughing because I’m not exactly sure my stories are what Eileen would want to read, LOL! I had no idea I’d share my stories with others other than a few close friends, but now that I’m getting more recognition as a writer and generating more interest, I’m trying to keep my stories at least relatively free of intimacy and swears from here on out. Not that she couldn’t handle it. Eileen’s pretty open-minded and she has read this journal, some of which gets a little dirty, LOL, but because minors could be reading some of my stuff, I’ve toned it down. I did tell her, however, that I could edit out the steamy scene in my last story and send her a copy of it if she’d like. If she wants it as is, that’s ok too, of course. It’s her call. I explained a little about what I write and said to let me know if she wants a synopsis or would prefer to be surprised if she does want to read anything. Same goes for anyone else. If you want to check out any of my stories, just let me know.

How did Icy Apple incense get to be so good? Mmm… definitely gotta add it to my favorites list!

Since it’s the weekend I gotta sleep with both sound machines on and an earplug, thanks to a freaking landlord (woo-hoo, I said “freaking”) that won’t leave us alone for very long. Thank God for being deaf in one ear!

I have no idea why I feel compelled to do this, so don’t even ask. I guess it just amuses me to surprise people, and Jan’s about to get a surprise, alright, if the email I found last night really is her husband’s and he gets the email I’m going to send on Monday and tells her about it. I’m waiting till Monday cuz I really think the daughters got my message and that Jan doesn’t know who I am or care to email me if she does. Yet the thought of divulging my crush on her and sharing my story and journal amuses the hell out of me. And so I will send James a note explaining that I liked her, was inspired by a dream to write a story with her in it, and I’ll enclose the first part of it as well as the link to my journal.

I’ll attach a couple of pictures of me too, and the start of the story in the email (which is at his place of work) and say that I plan to post the entire story at the journal site once it’s done to generate their interest. I doubt I’ll really post it there, though. Either way, it will be interesting to see if anyone contacts me, though I’d be willing to bet it’s pretty unlikely that they would. In fact, I’d bet most of my dolls they won’t. Not the favorites, but most of them. Anyway, I guess Jim works at someplace that sells doors.

I told Marie that someone insisted she was obsessed with me and she denied it, as I expected her to, saying she simply likes the person she loves, and do I know what she would do to me if she were obsessed, LMAO?

I replied saying she would come out here first chance she got, wait till Tom was by himself on an errand, kidnap me and take me to the secluded little cabin she got way up in the Sierras (or the Cascades), then have her way with me all the time!

She replied by letting me know she almost came, I have a vivid imagination and that is one of the things she loves about me.

And Tom said I shouldn’t encourage someone who’s unstable. Of course I laughed at this since I just can’t see her being unstable or obsessed in any dangerous way. That’s a guy’s thing. And something that happens in my stories. Her obsession is both annoying and hilarious, but definitely harmless.

Later…

When I look back on some of my earlier stories from years ago, I almost want to cringe with embarrassment! I don’t know why, but while I was pretty much always good with lyrics, I was a lousy story writer. Compared to my more recent stories, It’s almost hard to believe the same person wrote them, not that I’m perfect now or anything.

“Holy crap this is great,” was Marie’s response to the first part of the story I started a few days ago based on the Jan dream I had, LOL! Now that’s quite flattering coming from her.

Also, Eileen assured me she’s old enough to handle my steamy scenes and can always not read anything that’s too much for her, LOL. This is true, so I sent her Rainbow Dreams and We’ll Meet Again Someday.

Marie said she didn’t want to tell me, but she sent a letter out Monday with a couple of pictures enclosed her coworker took, not the one that’s interested in her and which she says isn’t her type. I guess she liked how she looked in skinny jeans.

Bet I would, too! grins

Other than non-stop barking, since our landlord is only home long enough to sleep and to bug us, things are running smoothly. Well, they would be if the backaches would go away. I just can’t figure them out.

Paul is recovering from surgery and hopefully doing better and Dorian sent some funny jokes that put a smile on my face.

This is a first. I got 3 comments from 3 different users all on the same day at the journal site. One was from Canada, one was from Diane, my guardian angel, and then what appeared to be some kid asking how do you know if you’ve got a guardian angel, cuz she wants one, too. I told her that my “guardian angel” was just a joke in reference to a cyber friend who has been looking out for me. If I really do have a guardian angel of unearthly sorts, I wouldn’t know it, LOL!

So anyway, Diane said I was correct in assuming she was of the penis-less type, and I had to laugh to myself and say, “I know. You’re Diane in NY and you’re as gay as I am!” But of course I said nothing of the sort. She says she loves reading my journal and looks forward to the stories of my crazy life.

Yeah, it’s a crazy life at times!

As for Marie, I still feel the same. A part of me says I shouldn’t even bother with her and that it would be easier if I didn’t. But I know I would miss her and so the other part is screaming, “I want my Marie! And I want her now!”

Nothing from Jan’s daughters, but I’m not surprised. Why should someone I have a crush on contact me, then be as thrilled as I was when Marie confessed her crush to me when I confessed mine to them? You know it never works that way.

Perhaps I shouldn’t, but I’m “Janalyzing” the possibilities as to why no email from her as of yet and came up with a few theories. Although it seems unlikely, it’s possible that neither daughter has checked her messages yet. It’s also possible that they did, but haven’t had a chance to pass my email along to Jan yet. Or, it could be that they did, but Jan just didn’t feel like emailing me. Maybe the idea of contacting me just felt strange if she even remembers me. I don’t think I gave the daughters enough information for her to know who I am. I just said I used to shop at her store before it was closed and lost her online store address. Maybe I should have been more detailed, IDK.

Wow, lots of Marie feedback! Some are saying dump her, she’s obsessed with me, she’s crazy, etc. Others think she is sweet and sincere. Well, I’ll certainly be keeping everyone’s advice in mind, but in the end, it will be up to yours truly to do what she’s gotta do.

Marie nearly hit a deer coming home from work and left some rubber on the road, that’s how far she skidded. I’m glad she’s ok! Someone recently got killed somewhere here in CA by slamming into a cow.

I realize my sister and her off (the wall) spring are gonna start up the harassment after my folks are gone and not around to worry about upsetting, A, Tammy doesn’t care who she upsets along the way when she wants to “get” someone, and B, I realize this is probably true, but that’s ok. I don’t have to take it and I won’t.

I won from the Incense Rack but decided to forfeit since I just got tons of incense.

So that’s how it is now? I can still win things if it’s something I don’t want? Too bad I don’t like to win just to win or else I’d be entering for trips to Alaska and other cold-as-hell places like crazy cuz I’d win for damn sure!

I thought I heard Jesse come down around 4pm, but realized it wasn’t him after all. So I’m hearing him when he does come down and I’m hearing him when he doesn’t. beats head But then he really truly did come down a half-hour later to get something from his shit pile. beats head again Tom said he saw him get some of the wood he just dropped off.

Why do these things have to be kept down here anyway? Is it just an excuse to drive down here so he can annoy me with his presence and remind us who’s king of the hill around here? Well, hell, why doesn’t he just keep his damn clothes down here, too?!

Too bad we don’t have a good-size pickup ourselves. Then we could haul the shit away and dump it somewhere and say it was stolen, LOL! Nah, he’d only restock new shit.

I know he worked today because when I went to pee at 5am I heard the dogs going crazy. Then when I went to pee again at 6:30 they were still going at it. They don’t take a breather till 8:00 or 9:00, but I crashed around 7:00. I’m totally on nights right now which I like and don’t like. My sleep is more threatened, but at night there’s no barking, no pesky Jesse, no nothing.

Off to edit my bio now. Still have over 200 pages to go through and it’ll probably be another 10 weeks or so before the entire thing is posted. It’s way more work than I thought it’d be because I’m changing so much.

“I am glad you are keeping your eyes open. I just think you’ve had enough batshit crazy women in your life, and something really strikes me as odd about her. Single White Female odd, you know? Just keep your purty eyes open!”

This is the latest from my “guardian angel,” as I’ll dub her, though I don’t even know that it is a “her.” My gut feeling says it is.

Now, reading between the lines, how does she know Marie’s white? Well, I did mention she’s Italian. And what makes her think my eyes are “purty?” She could’ve seen pics of me.

Another thing that stands out about the person is their writing. Most people write poorly, but this one seems to write very well. No typos, no bad grammar, no bad punctuation.

I learned that AOL’s hub is in Woonsocket, RI, just like Gmail has a hub in Mountain View, CA. So this could be anyone, anywhere. Still not sure if they really don’t know me or not, but I’d say they’ve read my journal pretty extensively either way. How else would they know I’ve had enough “batshit crazy” women in my life?

If it’s someone who knows me but doesn’t want to say so for fear of being identified in my journal, my first guess would be someone from VH. I wondered if it was Melanie and if she could be jealous perhaps and feel that this would be a good way to scare me off since Marie started posting her journal to Facebook, and she could’ve checked out her “friends.” But I doubt she’d go about it this way if it were a lover or a family member of Marie’s. I also wondered about Eileen, who happens to write very well herself, but I doubt it. She doesn’t strike me as the type to say “batshit.” And of course, Paul and Dorian would probably tell me things directly.

Ah, I love a good mystery. But the curiosity is killing me. Do I or don’t I know this person? Do they or don’t they know Marie?

Just decided to try running her email through a different search site and damn I’m good! She’s got an LJ journal that she made 8 entries in back in 2001, and is also gay. Her name is Diane and she’s in Alamo, NY. Her birthday is 4/29, but I don’t know how old she is. For now, I’ll keep what I’ve learned to myself. No need to spook her out with all this info if she’s just an innocent observer looking out for me.

I’m not just good, I’m really damn good! I found Jan, too. Not her or her store, but at yet another search site, it lists possible relatives of the person you’re looking for. She appears to be married to a guy named James that’s also her age and has two daughters and a son between the ages of 23-31. The daughters are Betsy Lynn and Brianne Michelle, and the son is Bradley Steven. The reason I think they truly are related is that Lynn is Jan’s middle name and Steven is James’ middle name.

I found her kids on Facebook and sent the daughters messages with my email addy for Jan to contact me at. I said I used to know her when she owned her store and couldn’t remember her online store addy.

Tom’s ear is better, but it’s not. The poor guy can only sleep 4 hours at a time (God, I hate that evil number!) and my sleep isn’t perfect either. I woke up to cooking smells today but went back to sleep an hour later. Tom promised not to cook smelly things while I sleep, saying he could have sandwiches instead. That’s awfully sweet of him, but I don’t want him to deprive himself just cuz every single fucking thing in the world wakes me up. If someone sneezes in Australia, I’ll wake up!

Tom fixed my chair for me earlier. It kept floating up so high my toes barely touched the floor as short as I am, LOL.

I’m about to make a $50 Sephora order with my Turk money. I’ll be getting a lip stain, some perfume and a few other odds and ends. My favorite was always Yves Rocher, but they stopped selling my favorite perfumes, proving that once again, all good things come to an end.

Paul is having surgery at what will be 1am my time. Hope it goes well!

Marie wasn’t too thrilled with the grade she got in her writing class, but I encouraged her to do better next time around, and I think she will. Kick ass, hot stuff!

Today was the sunniest day in about two weeks, but we’re on for more rain soon enough. I feel like this winter is never going to end!

Despite the fact that my last entry was full of doom and gloom, I had a productive night. I guess I’ll always be more productive when my schedule clashes with Marie’s, LOL. I do miss her, but I definitely get more done when our schedules are off. She’s such a fun distraction, though! I miss her already. But I know the weekend will be here soon enough.

For now, I got a 90% on my last German lesson, did some writing (obviously) and proofread more of my bio. The next chunk should be posted tomorrow.

All is quiet now. Nothing but the sounds of snoring, frogs croaking and rain. I’m beginning to wonder if it’ll ever stop raining here. We’re really making up for all those dry months! But it will make fire season less scary when it rolls around again.

Later…

I don’t know either of you, but I wanted to warn you about Marie. I’ve read her entries and she seems…unstable. She has latched onto you something fierce and I worry for you that this is going to turn into a gong show. She seems very obsessive.

Just a warning to keep your head up. Don’t think she’s as real as she’d like everyone to believe.

The above is what was waiting for me on the journal site today, and while I hate to say it, I agree. Marie does seem unstable at times, she does seem to have latched onto me fiercely, but turn into a gong show? Not sure about that one. Not all obsessions are unhealthy or dangerous. I’m obsessed with incense. Hooked on me or not, I can’t picture her visiting and kidnapping me or anything crazy like that. And women don’t typically force their way on other women. Right now I can’t see her forcing me to do anything I might not want to do. She knows I’m attracted to her, but would never leave Tom. I will, however, not hesitate to tell her not to visit if she does do anything between now and then to make either Tom or myself uncomfortable. For now, though, I’m taking Tom’s advice and trying not to look too far ahead, cuz if she does visit, it’s going to be a couple of years or so, by which time she may be sick of me. Or maybe she’ll piss me off into dumping her. There’s no way to know for sure. A lot can happen in two years. If anyone’s learned that, it’s me.

Marie herself has also admitted to not being the most stable person on earth. She admits to being moody at times, particularly before her period, and she does take meds.

I traced the email to Woonsocket, RI which rules out her roommates and sisters Melanie and Michelle since they’re in FL, but I wondered if the person really knew her because of the way they worded the last sentence. Wouldn’t you have said, “I wouldn’t think she’s as real as she’d like everyone to believe,” if you didn’t know her?

I asked Tom if he thought it was someone who knew her and he doesn’t think so.

Anyway, it’s strange. I wrote stories with obsessive characters like Marie in which other characters would warn the woman she was obsessed with. Once again, life’s almost imitating art in a strange sort of way.

After reflecting on the issue for a while, I think Marie will always remain little more than a forbidden fruit. Why? Oh, I don’t know right now. It’s just a feeling, I guess. Lust of that degree was never meant to be for me, so it seems, and it’s not just those I lust for, but also those I just really like. With the exception of Tom, all the good people seem to “go away” and just aren’t in my life for as long as I’d like. That pattern is very clear enough just in the 3 years I spent in Oregon. Jane moved, Jan closed her store, Liz left Safeway, Randy changed routes.

Like I said, I miss some aspects of it at times. If the pause button of our lives could ever get unstuck and if we could ever really get ahead, maybe I wouldn’t feel this way. I definitely don’t miss the cold. It was worse than in New England!

As I said before, a lot can happen in two years as far as Marie is concerned. So I shouldn’t try to assume too much in the way of her and I. Hell, maybe we’ll be sick of each other! Right now, though, as nutty as that woman can be at times (and she admits it), she definitely has a way of putting a smile on my face and making me laugh.

And very wet.

But I will certainly keep my mind and eyes open to various possibilities that I need to be aware of. Things aren’t always what they seem. I know this. And so I know it’s important not to get too far ahead of myself. She genuinely seems to care about me, though I must admit I am amazed at just how much.

She wrote me a sweet poem today, “typos and all,” as she said. Yup, I’m the writer here and she knows it! But she’s definitely a lot of other things.

She also got the incense I sent her as a surprise. I was getting worried there! She thanked me for thinking about her (I always do) and said that although it was a bit feminine, she liked the Blue Angel.

Anyway, now that my period’s working its way through, things don’t seem as bleak to me. Sure, there are still plenty of reasons to feel cursed from above, but I also know I’m very blessed in many ways. Furthermore, I’m hoping that getting my period over means I can stand to jump back on the diet wagon. The last week or so, though, I haven’t been able to keep food out of my mouth!

My second story made #1 and my first story is #7 right now.

I asked Marie and a couple of other cyber pals to join LiveMocha so I could get the free travel course you get for getting 3 people to join. I’m also experimenting with a new way of learning. I’m recording the audio parts of my lessons and copying my flashcards. I thought if I read along with the audio a few times to give things a better chance of sinking in since it usually takes a few takes to retain much, then I’d go back and do the other exercises. So for now there won’t be progress percentages or scores. Just repetitiously going through dialog and reading much in the way I did when I learned Spanish.

I was halfway into my first meditation session of the day when the fucking pest just had to distract me by coming down here. Again, he didn’t come to the door. He just unloaded sheets of plywood. But also again, we came here to get away from people and not have to deal with them unless we’re out in public! First we can’t go a month without his presence, now we can’t even go a week!

When am I going to learn to keep my frustrations with other people to myself or to my journal? It really bothers Tom when I express my annoyance with others, ear pain or not. Like so many people tend to do, he simply defends or makes excuses for whoever I’m upset with, and that only makes me feel more upset and like my feelings don’t matter. So maybe someday I’ll learn that Tom’s not the one to express these kinds of frustrations to. I can discuss anything else with him, just not vent my pet peeves so much.

So anyway, his ear is still bad and he’s only able to sleep 3-4 hours at a time.

As for me, I’ve got the usual aches and pains that go with PMS. Even the back pain is back with a vengeance.

It’s mine and Marie’s one-month anniversary of being in touch with each other in a VERY different way than we were 26 years ago! We sent each other Webshots cards. Hers was an adorable little kitten with a smile on its face, mine was just a bouquet of flowers. We went from “How are you” to “I have a crush on you” to “I want to fuck your brains out” to “I love you” pretty damn fast!

She, like some people (including myself), feels that part-time is better than no-time, though she may have full-time as well with someone else, even if it’s still too soon to be thinking of these things. Well, like I told her, I don’t own her. Not being married to her means I can’t say what she can/can’t have. I just hope that whatever it is she has makes her happy! If she gets with someone who doesn’t treat her right, however, I’m not going to hesitate to tell her she ought to dump the bitch.

Later…

First they’re saying the job market may not return to normal till 2012, now they’re talking 2015! You mean the pause button of our lives is really going to be stuck for that long?!?! God, I really hope nothing up there could want to hold us back that bad, but I know better. It most certainly would want to restrain us from living, and I suppose if it wasn’t with this it would only be with something else.

So this is it until and if the government decides to starve us all together by stopping our checks before the jobs come back? No money, no security, no insurance, no moving, no buying a house, no nothing? What kind of life is that? We couldn’t move if we wanted to, we couldn’t save too much too fast, and therefore we have no real freedom or choice. At least that’s how it feels to me. It’s like being in jail without being in jail. We’re stranded on a deserted island and we have to wait however many years it takes to be rescued by a job so we can finally get on with our fucking lives.

It became obvious months ago that it would be years before he went back to work, and obvious years ago that we would always be poor. I am trying really hard to force myself to accept this reality that we could never change no matter how hard we’re willing to work, no matter how non-lazy we are, no matter how capable we are, but it’s just not that easy. All I can wonder is, what the fuck did we do to deserve this???

So thanks to the greedy bankers that caused this crisis, we’re once again suffering the consequences of other people’s fucked up actions while no one is ever put out by any of our mistakes. And I wouldn’t want them to be. I’m just mighty sick of having to pay for other people’s fuck-ups as well as my own!

And again my anger at God for not caring to help us and answer my repeated prayers for a job is beginning to grow, but He must not mind after all. Yeah, thanks, God. I always wanted to be a little bum in life.

I also know that at the same time, I don’t have to take this shit. That’s because I don’t have to live. I’m free to kill myself anytime I get fed up enough with my going-nowhere life to do so. Living in the present is fine and it isn’t that I don’t have good things going on for me right now, cuz I do. It’s just that knowing that things may very well never change and that this may be it, is not exactly an incentive to live too much longer. I’m not talking days or weeks, but if things don’t change in 6 months to a year, I’m going to seriously consider checking on out of this life and moving onto whatever the next plane of existence may be, though personally, I hope there isn’t one. One existence is enough! But yeah, that’s what I think I’m gonna do. Start setting timetables. If this is all I deserve in life, PMSing or not, why should I deserve even this much? If I feel this strongly about the jobs taking forever to return and us always being dirt poor, could I really be wrong? But when to “exit” is the question if that’s what it’s going to come down to in order to escape being stuck in the same rut we’re in now for another 40 years or so. Next summer? Next Christmas?

Maybe sometime in the fall. I hate winter! Yeah, first 50º day and the girl who was never good enough, never deserving enough to get ahead in life for more than 5 minutes, and in this case, to re-enter the land of the living will get the hell out for good.

Meanwhile, I’m going to be worried if Marie doesn’t tell me she got the surprise I sent her in the mail. That is the postal mail. I sent her some incense.

Think I’ll go visit Jan in her houseboat in never-never land. Geez, maybe I do have a thing for her. What took it so long to shine through, though? I haven’t even seen her for 4 or 5 years. I don’t think I’d really have liked to know her up close and personal, though, despite how she looked. She struck me as the type to be a bitch at times.

How close is too close? This is the question Marie asked me if she were to move to Cali. My answer: I don’t know. Not without a “test drive” first. Meaning, we need to visit first, which she’d like to do in a couple of years. If we haven’t dumped each other by then for some reason, LOL, or if she hasn’t met someone she can have full-time, then a visit may give us a better idea of what’s too close and what’s not. I definitely want to at least visit.

I still can’t say for sure that we’d get it on, which she says would be okay with her since she wants to meet the person she fell in love with and isn’t out for just sex. And I can’t say how I’d feel afterward if we did. Like I told her, maybe I’d feel no better than a mass murderer, or maybe I’d feel like I was only human and I only gave in to my human side.

If I were single I wouldn’t hesitate to have a relationship with her and to tie the knot if it went well, and other than her moodiness, I see no real indication to say that it wouldn’t go well. But I am married and if she came “too close” I would literally be the girlfriend of convenience, only available to her part-time, and she would have to ask herself if that was enough for her if a “test drive” went well.

I know I both do and don’t regret having friends close by. I don’t want them to pester me, but I also like the idea of having each other around in case of an emergency. Had my friends been living here when we had our motel crisis, we never would’ve been homeless for 36 hours like we were. Jessie or Paula would’ve let us crash at their place till we could access our money again.

I suggested she do what I’m trying to do for now and not plan too far ahead. Let’s just take it one day at a time and see where fate takes us. I know I could never leave Tom – not for all the money in the world, not for nothing – and she understands and accepts this. I also know I do want to see her. But I can’t say, at this time, how close is too close.

Tom’s ear is still hurting, but he says it’s getting better. I wish there was something I could do to help! But we both know it just needs to run its course. He expects to be better by Monday.

Dorian read the stories I wrote with Marie and me in mind and he cracked me up, as usual, saying, “Thanks, Jodi. You got me reading porn this early on a Sabbath morning.”

On a serious note, he said he wouldn’t classify them as porn, however, and said that they read smoothly and he could picture the scenes in his head and didn’t have to go back and re-read anything.

Why medicate when you can meditate? That seems to be Eileen’s philosophy, and I agree that the benefits of meditation do seem to outweigh the benefits of medication, so I asked and she sent me tips and pointers on how to go about meditating. I’m starting with two 20-minute sessions a day. Don’t know if I can stick to it, but I’m gonna try!

I feel so bad right now for both Tom and Marie. The man I love has a very painful ear infection, and the woman I love is down and in need of a hug I can’t give her being 3000 miles away.

It is still kind of hard being torn between two people. I never thought I would be, though I kind of was with a certain officer from a decade ago. In the end, she made things a lot easier for me by blowing me off completely. Not that I want Marie to go away, but I told her that if she ever needed to I would understand. Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing her any good by sticking around myself, but I couldn’t abandon her unless she told me too, and she said she doesn’t want me to, so here I am.

I have such mixed emotions about the whole thing! I could never leave Tom for the unknown, and a relationship with Marie would be entering the unknown, alright. I can pretty much guarantee that we’d be perfectly compatible in bed, but there’s no way to know for sure how we’d be out of it since that’s so much more complex. But I’ve known years ago that Tom and I can and will make it. I also couldn’t abandon him and leave him all alone, lonely and hurt. This is Side A of me. Flip me over to Side B and you got a lovesick, horny bitch who’d love to throw herself at the tall, dark Italian hottie! I have all the love in the world for my husband, but not an ounce of lust after all these years together, like most long-term couples.

I want Marie out here, but I don’t. It’d be safer and easier if she’d stay away, but just like with her, that adventurous side of me dares to come out and take a walk on the wild side despite whatever risks and dangers may lay ahead.

“Come play with me,” I see myself saying, arm extended in warm and eager invitation. But I know it wouldn’t be just playing. We’re not just a game to each other. It would be easier if we were, yet Marie is someone I love and I know she loves me.

She personalized a radio station just for me today. I’ll Stand By You by the Pretenders has become our song, you could say.

She also sent me a news video she was in. It was when she worked for the city and it’s only a few seconds long as she walks by the camera, but she looked mighty fine to me! licks lips

Jesse came down in the truck today to pick up something of his, saying he had to do some work. He never came to the door, though. I went out, cuz I thought it was Tom returning from the store, and asked what was up.

Little ole foggy-brained me wasn’t supposed to do this entry for another 6 hours or so, but that’s because my “burn-out” experiment isn’t going so well. For those of you who know I’ve had trouble maintaining a schedule for years; I’ve been trying to crash earlier in hopes of holding it for a while. Part of what makes it hard for me to hold a schedule is A, I have trouble falling asleep, and B, I sometimes need more sleep than usual. So if I’ve been up 18 hours and need 10 hours of sleep, that’s what can cause it to jump.

Everything was going fine for starters. I shut down about an hour before Marie sent a message asking if I was getting afraid of her as I learn more about her. laughs Shouldn’t I be the one asking her that?

Anyway, I’m mighty glad to know my getting emotional gets Marie’s motor running, cuz I’m about to engage in a bit of a bitchfest. It wouldn’t surprise me if she had engine failure in the end!

So I shut down and got into bed right before 7:00. By 9:00 I was out cold as I had hoped to be. Only I was supposed to sleep till around 5:00, not 2-fucking-30!

I thought of taking melatonin or Benadryl, but knew that’d not only put me back to sleep, but for a lot longer than 5:00. I finally pulled myself out of bed before 4:00, ate and made coffee. I’m hoping that, plus a shower, will perk me up, but I’m still kind of out of it.

I’m just not sure if I’m waking up just because or if some sound is waking me up, though I don’t know what it could be if it is. I guess my sleep is just cursed no matter what, but this has been the reward for trying to help myself so far. And of course I get pissed at God above when I think about how I don’t need this shit on top of knowing I’m going to be poor and uninsured pretty much all my life, renting other people’s trashy trailers. He gave me this problem, so the least He could do is help me with it or at least let me help myself, but no. clenches fists Gotta be His poor-ass bum and not even be able to control my schedule while I’m at it, and just why is He so determined to make bums out of Tom and I anyway? Huh??? When the fuck is this unemployment trip ever going to end?

I wonder… would God actually get off on seeing me hurt myself right now? Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to do anything stupid. I wouldn’t give Him the satisfaction if that truly is what He would do, and that’s a very chilling thought to consider. It’s BEYOND chilling to think there could be some outer force with more power than I could ever have that might take pleasure in my pain. Or at least my sheer frustration. Things could be a lot worse than they are, so I’m not at my wit’s end or anything like that. Just frustrated. I’m sick of being stuck in the same old rut for what was weeks, then became months, and now could very well be years.

Learning about Marie has been an interesting experience. I still can’t figure out how I came to love someone I haven’t seen in 26 years and whom I barely knew when I did see her. All I knew about her was her name, and that she went from having a girlfriend named Tammy to a girlfriend named Judy. I was going to write about something that really makes me love her all the more, but am just too tired to do it right now. Actually, it’s pretty simple. It’s because I can do this without being made to feel bad for it. All my life so many people have had a problem with my emotional side coming out, particularly when it was my angry side. They just can’t handle it for some reason. They were always quick to either defend who/what I was pissed at or make excuses for it or play it down or something. I would end up feeling worse and like I should have stifled my feelings. People could usually deal with things that made me sad, but for some reason, my being mad at something or someone really puts them off.

I’m going to get back into bed now, and if I fall asleep, so be it.

Later…

They published my travel story on a Caribbean cruise site but I don’t know why they have me listed as living in Portland Oregon. We lived in Klamath Falls when I wrote this article which is actually just excerpts from my journal.

What a picnic that cruise was compared to when we first moved here! Most of the other cruisers weren’t what I expected them to be. I pictured most of them to be older and mellow when in fact most were just as loud and as obnoxious as your average kid of today is when you go out in public. This is because most of them spent their time at sea getting drunk.

So my schedule’s back to being as fucked up as it usually is. I tried to stay up but ended up falling back asleep and getting those 3 hours I lost. I didn’t get up till after 8am. This means I probably won’t crash before midnight and I’ll probably need 10-12 hours to make up for having my sleep broken up. I thought sleeping at night would mean less waking up during my sleep, but obviously, I’m going to either get woken up by whatever in the daytime and just because at night. I’m sure I’ll wake up 2-3 times along the way tonight, too. I just hope I can go right back to sleep if I’m still tired.

Jesse obviously worked today because when I got up for good this morning the dogs were going crazy. Well, Whiskey was. Yelling at him does no good anymore, probably because he knows I’m not going to beat him with a stick or do whatever it is Jesse does to keep them quiet when he’s home.

In light of the bitchfest in my last entry, Marie cared enough to send me a beautiful scenic video of an old Pretenders song. It cheered me up, but as Tom says, a lot of it is just PMS. I hope I’m not PMSing or on the rag when she visits! Definitely not on the rag.

We heard a shot today and a shot yesterday. We’re both surprised there’s so much shooting here where there are this many people. We may not have one person per every square inch out here like in the city, but there are still enough people in this particular area that you would think there wouldn’t be so much shooting. If there’s this much here, I’m not sure I want to move off the grid.

Exchanged messages with Jessie and Eileen. Looking back on it now, it’s no wonder Eileen could put up with me at camp while no one else wanted to deal with me being the stick of dynamite that I was. She would’ve known and understood what was going on with me.

Tom just went to take the trash up and said he saw no dogs or vehicles. Jesse must have them out with him in the truck. They wouldn’t be this quiet otherwise.

There was a dead mouse under the kitchen sink this morning. I thought I heard movement through where the water pipe runs when I was in the bathroom the other day.

Puerco has a tumor on his side. He’s so fat I wouldn’t have noticed it if I hadn’t picked him up yesterday and felt it, but it’s quite obvious. I’m not surprised as this is what kills many rats and mice. The effects aren’t instantaneous, though. It will take 3-4 months before he dies, but he will just about have lived his full lifespan of 2 years.

The question is, do we get another rat when these two are gone? Do we get a dog? Or do we just take a break from pets for a while? With the way the hypocrite up the hill lets his dogs run loose, I’d be afraid to get a small dog and have his dogs attack it.

I got to visit with Jan last night in my dreams without freezing my ass off in the cold and snow I had to deal with when we lived in Oregon. Jan, as in Klamath Indian Jan, who owned the gift shop where I’d buy incense when I wasn’t ordering online, and who might’ve been a hottie if she were 20 years younger. Jan was pretty tall. Had to have been around 5’ 7” or 8” and she had medium-longish black hair and dark eyes.

It was a long, detailed dream, the kind I often have. The strange thing is that I didn’t seem to know anyone I know in the dream. The guy I love didn’t exist and neither did the woman I love. It was like I was alone or something, renting a room or a studio somewhere within the tiny town. The dream had no beginning or intro of any kind. I was just suddenly on Jan’s houseboat on the Klamath River. The dream started as the sun was setting. The interior of the houseboat looked sort of like an RV, and I spent most of the time in the “driver’s seat,” though the boat was anchored.

In real life, she closed the store and opened an online store. She gave me a pen with her site addy, but I’ve long since lost it, though I’d love to check it out and see what it’s like these days. I tried looking her up but all I could find is that she’s Janice Lynn H. born in 1951 and she might’ve lived in Missouri and Washington State at one point. I have no idea if she was gay, straight or bi, but my guess is she was straight. She didn’t look gay or bi, but then again neither does Angelina Jolie, Portia DiRossi or myself.

So the dream starts at dusk and she’s playing a board game with some woman on the other end of the houseboat at a built-in table with benches where she now lives full-time while I’m in the driver’s seat with my laptop. In real life, she owned a duplex and lived on one side of it.

I was at her online store. I laughed to myself when I saw that I was still her one and only “friend” all this time, though I had been using the name Melina. I changed it to my real name and Jan later commented with surprise about that being me all along. My journal link, like in most cases in real life, was attached to my profile, and I wondered if she’d ever seen it.

At one point I stretched my legs and strode down the center aisle of the houseboat. The hum of the generator was very soothing. I looked out the back window and saw water churning from the back of the boat several feet below me. I said to Jan that I liked the sound of it running and that it made for a nice sound machine. I also said she was fortunate to live there and that it would be so cool to live on a houseboat.

Jan and the woman played the night away and I scribbled God knew what on random pieces of paper Jan had on the “dashboard.” The sun eventually began to rise and I suddenly realized I could see to the bottom of the river, surprised it was so shallow. When the sun had totally risen, I slumped over in my seat and fell asleep. Jan woke me up at one point, asking if I’d like to go along with her and her friend to the beauty shop for haircuts. I sat up and said that I could use a trim to even my ends out, but had no money on me, so I had to pass. She said she’d take me tomorrow, which I took to mean that she didn’t want the woman to see her pay for my haircut that day, and she obviously didn’t want to pay for everybody.

She asked if I needed to save any of the sheets of paper I’d written on and I said no. Next, I went wherever for the morning, then in the afternoon, I helped Jan pack and mail off her orders. Then she and I returned to her houseboat. I commented on how I liked that it was “elevated” which provided more privacy at least in the daytime when there were no lights on, and asked what was down below.

“It’s just storage,” she told me. “And where I keep store merchandise.”

Then the rest of the dream seemed to play out fast-forward over several weeks. I ended up confessing that she was still pretty attractive even though she was now 48. She ended up not throwing me overboard. In fact, she said she found me to be both attractive and unique (at least I get to hold a schedule in dreams no matter what’s going on). We started having sex and falling into a routine that consisted of morning work, lunchtime sex breaks, afternoon walks through a bunch of stores and eateries after mailing off the day’s orders, then more sex at night.

It ended with me complaining about my teeth and her offering to marry me so I could go to a dentist.

“But they don’t have gay marriage in Oregon,” I said, and she said she’d figure out a way to “work around” that.

Chatted with Marie this morning on Yahoo’s messenger. She loved the dirty short stories I wrote with us as the main characters. If The Girl Directory does too, they’ll be online in a few weeks. We talked dirty and also about things in general, as we usually do. I just adore her!

“Do you know what happened this morning?” I asked her. “I was lathering up my pussy in the shower, closed my eyes, and then my hand became your hand. Ah, it was sooo good!”

So much for getting vitamins to help boost my energy levels! My energy is fine until I’ve been up for about 12 hours, then suddenly I’m exhausted. I guess I’ve been burning out early because I’ve been working so hard. The good part of it is that it’s slowing my schedule from creeping ahead. I doubt it’ll last much longer, but I’ve been getting up around 6am and loving it. Things are less likely to wake me up when I sleep at night, and by getting up early, I’m the first one up, which is something I prefer since I’m not in a sociable mood for the first hour or two.

Tammy said my journal gives them all a good laugh. I’d almost be disappointed to know if they haven’t been reading it lately, LOL!

I unblocked a few people I had blocked on Facebook simply because I just don’t give a damn who sees what. I know how to ignore those I wish no contact with. As soon as I see it’s them, I don’t even read whatever bullshit message they may have for me, though I will admit that no one’s been bothering me lately.

I’ve now got 8 views and 6 signatures on Classmates. It’s frustrating not to be able to see who they are, but not worth paying the $10 it’d take to find out.

I got friended by another Valleyheader, but I don’t think we were there at the same time as I don’t recognize her name.

Marie had me laughing my ass off yesterday. She apparently washed her white panties with something red and turned her panties pink. She said, “Pink may be your color, babe, but this ass will never wear pink!”

Tom and I were talking about how she and I were talking about OCD, and he laughed and told me I’m more OCD than her, reminding me of how all the labels on the cans must face a certain way, all drawers and doors must be shut tight, etc. He’s definitely got a point there, LOL!

I think I forgot to mention this but when Tom last talked to Jesse, Jesse mentioned wanting to create a road in back so he could drive his truck down to the well, instead of having to use only the ATV up by where the drive forks which you can’t see from here.

Yeah, I’m sure he does, too. Always gotta be doing something when he’s home and the weather permits it. We’ve been here long enough to know that we’re never going to go more than a month or two without something going on. The fact that we’re getting slammed with 5 back-to-back rainstorms is the only reason he hasn’t been down this last week.

I was giving Marie feedback on the paper she had to do on gay marriage, and how I can’t believe someone could be so full of hate that this guy had to kill another guy over being asked to be his Valentine. I guess they were actually kids. All he had to do was say no. What would’ve been so hard about saying no the same as he would to any girl that might’ve hit on him that he wasn’t interested in?

Marie’s paper reminded me that for a while there, I myself started to get a touch of bigotry after being victimized in various ways by our old neighbors who were black. It was hard and it took a while, but I reminded myself that there’s good and bad in every kind. I hate Joely N. I hate Michael M. I hate Jerry O. But if I can say I hate all blacks cuz a few screwed me over, then it’d only be fair to say that I hate all whites, too. After all, I’ve been screwed over by a few of those, too.

This doesn’t mean, however, that I think reverse discrimination is okay. It is not ok at all. Yet it has been a huge problem for years now and I don’t see any end in sight too soon. No one should have extra rights or be favored in any way simply because they may’ve been oppressed in the past. Not gays, not blacks, not Hispanics, not anyone.

The part of my 2007 journal that documents the Caribbean cruise I won will be published online and in some kind of travel magazine. A job came in asking for a 400-word travel story. I wasn’t sure if they’d want it in journal format, but after I edited out swears and stuff like that, I submitted it and they loved it. It was a hell of a lot more than 400 words, too. Like maybe 2000.

Some experts would say that I should not be singing as well as I do today because I wasn’t very good when I was really young. Yeah, that’s my random fact of the day for you.

Duewi is trying to lose the nickname Duewi, so in order to help de-Duewi her I will be calling her by her real name – Marie. I guess she’s had the nickname since Valleyhead and she’s ready to lose it. Marie was always just a so-so name to me, but being that it’s her name, it’s suddenly as lovely as ever.

She had me laughing my ass off yesterday when she commented on one of the questions I was asked on Formspring. The questions are asked both by people and a random generator, and you can ask me anything, even anonymously. One of the questions was what my ideal woman is like and I said, tall, dark and tough, but not vicious. A good sense of humor, but also a good set of brains. One who isn’t insecure, moody or insensitive.

So she replied to that with something like, “Well, I guess that puts me out, since I’m an insecure jerk, LMAO!”

At first I couldn’t figure out what the hell she was talking about (I forget just how much of an interest she takes in all the sites I frequent which is truly flattering), then I remembered calling her something to that effect in my journal that time I got pissed at her, LOL.

We chatted this morning and she explained to me why she sometimes still has panic attacks and how she deals with them. I told her I’ve learned to recognize when she’s panicky because that’s when she starts getting paranoid and thinking I’m pushing her away or dumping her. You know, being an insecure jerk? Hahahaha!

The part that had me cracking up today was when we were discussing her OCD and how she likes to count things and it must break down correctly. I then hit back with, “So if you counted my pussy hairs and you didn’t like the number, would you make me shave some?”

She said yes, but she’d be busy licking and sucking, LOL!

She sent me a close-up of her smiling that someone took at work. She’s aged very well. Yeah, she looks older, but she’s still so thin and her hair and eyes look great. I may not have any wrinkles, but I’ve definitely got more gray hairs. I dye it now every couple of months or so.

In my feedback to her last entry, I went off about how her mother was given the choice of giving her up or going to jail for trying to kill her when she was 6 and was like WTF? What the hell kind of ultimatum is that? The sicko should be sent to prison for years! How is it I go down half a year for a bullshit letter while a would-be murderer gets to simply give up on her kid and remain free?!

I told her I was sorry if my feelings about the whole thing offended her, but she said she was actually turned on by it, LOL! I was glad to hear this, too.

So let me get this straight, I’m dirty enough for the free rating site, but not dirty enough to get paid at the other site??? Oh well. In just two days my second story on the rating site jumped to 2nd place while the first is in 6th place. I am currently working on some steamy Jodi and Marie scenes. Oh, the fun and utterly dirty things we do in print! Speaking of Storyland, I gotta head on over there and get working on what I started yesterday. Of course I check to see what other jobs I can do while I’m at it.

The next part of my bio should be on within a few days. As I go through it I can say that it’s not as poorly written as I thought it was, but it needed work. Still got a couple of hundred pages to go through.

There was another view and guestbook signature at Classmates, but I can’t see who it is, of course.

I thought Jesse went to work since I heard Whiskey at 5:00, but then I saw them both running around in back at 7:00. Is he now leaving them loose when he goes to work? I’m just glad they’re quiet when they come down here since I know that asking him to keep them to himself would be useless.

I’m up 3 pounds after taking just one lousy day off of dieting and already getting the water bloaties, even though my period isn’t due till the 27th. Geez, why don’t I just start getting bloated for June’s period!

Duewi, who doesn’t mind my referring to her as Duewi, after all, didn’t read my email first, so she didn’t realize I wouldn’t be available to chat until she did get around to reading it. I sent her an additional message too, right after she sent hers saying sorry for all the messages, she was just now getting to mine. Yeah, we’ll check your email first from now on, you dufus!

As I told her, I love her, I love chatting with her, but I hate the chat feature so much I need a break at times! Chatting is too much like being on the phone, and I’ve hated phones as much as I used to love them ever since quitting smoking. But that’s not the only issue, of course. I’m sorry I don’t always have as much free time as she’d like, but Miss Unemployment here really does have a life and other things to do, LOL! I really do like to work online and to do my hobbies as well. Besides, not chatting every day keeps it sort of special when you give it a break for a while, though chatting tomorrow should be okay. Emails, on the other hand, are different because I can check them at my own convenience. I just worry she takes it personally when I’m not always around to chat, but I can’t control how she’s going to feel. I try to be blunt and honest and not just “drop hints.” As we both agree, words were created to be used. So it’s not her, it’s me, and I don’t love her any less, spoken for or not, busy or not.

I guess she won’t be home most of the day anyway.

In her own entry, I didn’t learn anything new about her since I already knew she was the whore she has no problem admitting she was, LOL, but I’m sorry she feels so alone and like no one gives a shit. Someone in Cali gives a shit. She may be spoken for and out of reach, but her Caligirl cares!

If she met someone, I would be a bit jealous. But when I set aside my selfish side, I would be so happy for her. For her sake, since we can’t be together, I hope she finds her Miss Perfectly Right! But the poor girl feels like karma’s biting her in the ass now for squandering the ideal relationship she once had when she was younger and not ready to settle down. She deserves to be loved the same as anyone else so I do hope she finds that special and available person. A teacher asked her out, but she wasn’t interested. She doesn’t want to settle either, and I don’t blame her.

She’s in for a surprise in the mail by the end of the week! I sent her some incense.

All that dieting and hunger I went through yesterday rewarded me with an additional half a pound, so I saw when I got up. At that point I said, fuck it. Just fuck it. I’m taking today off.

Do these rats have bottomless stomachs, I wonder? It seems all they want to do is eat when they’re not sleeping. I gave them bread when I got up and they scarfed it down and begged for more. I shared some of my coffee yogurt with them, and then they were at it again, begging for whatever else they could get from me. So I gave them the carrots from my TV dinner, and they still wanted more. They’ve both turned into such pigs! I think I’ll go fry up a batch of French fries (that ought to turn ‘em on!) and give them some fruit and cheese as well. Rats really will eat anything! Even a can of Bud would be a thrill to them!

After I finally get done re-writing and editing my bio (I still have 200 pages to go) I may update it. Initially, I didn’t think I would until we left here, whenever that may be, but since so much happened last year, I may go ahead and update it. It’s funny; so much happened, but nothing happened.

The hard part about the bio is covering the things that are currently still going on like living at this place. Since I don’t know how much longer we’ll be here, it’s hard to give that part of the story an “ending,” so I will have to end it in the next section, or whatever section it’s officially ended at.