I was halfway into my first meditation session of the day when the fucking pest just had to distract me by coming down here. Again, he didn’t come to the door. He just unloaded sheets of plywood. But also again, we came here to get away from people and not have to deal with them unless we’re out in public! First we can’t go a month without his presence, now we can’t even go a week!

When am I going to learn to keep my frustrations with other people to myself or to my journal? It really bothers Tom when I express my annoyance with others, ear pain or not. Like so many people tend to do, he simply defends or makes excuses for whoever I’m upset with, and that only makes me feel more upset and like my feelings don’t matter. So maybe someday I’ll learn that Tom’s not the one to express these kinds of frustrations to. I can discuss anything else with him, just not vent my pet peeves so much.

So anyway, his ear is still bad and he’s only able to sleep 3-4 hours at a time.

As for me, I’ve got the usual aches and pains that go with PMS. Even the back pain is back with a vengeance.

It’s mine and Marie’s one-month anniversary of being in touch with each other in a VERY different way than we were 26 years ago! We sent each other Webshots cards. Hers was an adorable little kitten with a smile on its face, mine was just a bouquet of flowers. We went from “How are you” to “I have a crush on you” to “I want to fuck your brains out” to “I love you” pretty damn fast!

She, like some people (including myself), feels that part-time is better than no-time, though she may have full-time as well with someone else, even if it’s still too soon to be thinking of these things. Well, like I told her, I don’t own her. Not being married to her means I can’t say what she can/can’t have. I just hope that whatever it is she has makes her happy! If she gets with someone who doesn’t treat her right, however, I’m not going to hesitate to tell her she ought to dump the bitch.

Later…

First they’re saying the job market may not return to normal till 2012, now they’re talking 2015! You mean the pause button of our lives is really going to be stuck for that long?!?! God, I really hope nothing up there could want to hold us back that bad, but I know better. It most certainly would want to restrain us from living, and I suppose if it wasn’t with this it would only be with something else.

So this is it until and if the government decides to starve us all together by stopping our checks before the jobs come back? No money, no security, no insurance, no moving, no buying a house, no nothing? What kind of life is that? We couldn’t move if we wanted to, we couldn’t save too much too fast, and therefore we have no real freedom or choice. At least that’s how it feels to me. It’s like being in jail without being in jail. We’re stranded on a deserted island and we have to wait however many years it takes to be rescued by a job so we can finally get on with our fucking lives.

It became obvious months ago that it would be years before he went back to work, and obvious years ago that we would always be poor. I am trying really hard to force myself to accept this reality that we could never change no matter how hard we’re willing to work, no matter how non-lazy we are, no matter how capable we are, but it’s just not that easy. All I can wonder is, what the fuck did we do to deserve this???

So thanks to the greedy bankers that caused this crisis, we’re once again suffering the consequences of other people’s fucked up actions while no one is ever put out by any of our mistakes. And I wouldn’t want them to be. I’m just mighty sick of having to pay for other people’s fuck-ups as well as my own!

And again my anger at God for not caring to help us and answer my repeated prayers for a job is beginning to grow, but He must not mind after all. Yeah, thanks, God. I always wanted to be a little bum in life.

I also know that at the same time, I don’t have to take this shit. That’s because I don’t have to live. I’m free to kill myself anytime I get fed up enough with my going-nowhere life to do so. Living in the present is fine and it isn’t that I don’t have good things going on for me right now, cuz I do. It’s just that knowing that things may very well never change and that this may be it, is not exactly an incentive to live too much longer. I’m not talking days or weeks, but if things don’t change in 6 months to a year, I’m going to seriously consider checking on out of this life and moving onto whatever the next plane of existence may be, though personally, I hope there isn’t one. One existence is enough! But yeah, that’s what I think I’m gonna do. Start setting timetables. If this is all I deserve in life, PMSing or not, why should I deserve even this much? If I feel this strongly about the jobs taking forever to return and us always being dirt poor, could I really be wrong? But when to “exit” is the question if that’s what it’s going to come down to in order to escape being stuck in the same rut we’re in now for another 40 years or so. Next summer? Next Christmas?

Maybe sometime in the fall. I hate winter! Yeah, first 50º day and the girl who was never good enough, never deserving enough to get ahead in life for more than 5 minutes, and in this case, to re-enter the land of the living will get the hell out for good.

Meanwhile, I’m going to be worried if Marie doesn’t tell me she got the surprise I sent her in the mail. That is the postal mail. I sent her some incense.

Think I’ll go visit Jan in her houseboat in never-never land. Geez, maybe I do have a thing for her. What took it so long to shine through, though? I haven’t even seen her for 4 or 5 years. I don’t think I’d really have liked to know her up close and personal, though, despite how she looked. She struck me as the type to be a bitch at times.