I’m pretty tired today. Two more days of this shit, though this time, I can’t blame it all on the freeloaders, believe it or not. I’d still have to hold my schedule for the appointment I’ve got to get my ear canal cleaned out after I see Scot. Come Saturday, I’m gonna sleep all day!

I really hope Scot gets his ass in and out of here this week, so he doesn’t go waking me up next week.

The knee pain I had for several months has gone away, fortunately. At first I wondered if it was early arthritis, but now I wonder if maybe there were ligaments or tendons I injured (though it seems hard to believe I injured both knees) that got strengthened up by jogging.

Tom’s getting ready to go to work soon and though I haven’t the energy to run, perhaps I’ll at least work out. Maybe do a little singing and get started on my book’s conclusion.

I have stuck to having under 1000 calories for 5 days now and have lost 5 pounds. However, I don’t know why I lost 3 pounds the first day and am the same as I was yesterday at 119 pounds.

Our satellite TV’s back so I was watching some forensics shows last night. I was also watching a documentary discussing home safety. A couple of stories were about poor, poor black welfare bums and all the shit they have to take, but once again, what about us? I’m still waiting for whites who are victimized and discriminated against by minorities to be brought into the spotlight. It’s definitely an issue that needs to be addressed more. You hear about the poor, poor blacks and the sob stories from the Mexicans, but what about us?

One case dealt with this guy living in rural Colorado. For 20 years his neighbors did things like calling him racial slurs and trying to run him over, then they broke into his house. The county sheriff’s department did nothing. The only thing that made me wonder about the black guy’s credibility is why it took him 20 years of supposedly being tormented for him to leave. And why would he put a sign up to have a tag sale if the whole town hated him?

Another one was a single mother who moved into a house in Philly. They were like, hey, we don’t want you here. We don’t want our neighborhood run down, we don’t want the gangs, the drugs, etc. Robins and blue jays don’t mix and neither do we. Just 5 days later, the woman moved.

Why oh why couldn’t this have happened when we got freeloadered?! Why couldn’t the neighborhood terrorize them into moving out in just 5 days?! They only have the upper hand in the courts. Other than that, Arizona’s supposed to be one of the highest states as far as prejudice goes, which is probably why it took so long for this state to acknowledge Martin Luther King Day. If those people who badgered the blacks in Colorado and Philly had done that out here, there’s no way they’d have gotten away with it like they did. As far as I know, though, they didn’t send anything in the mail, making it a felony. See, you can call someone a slur to their face, but God help you if you say so in the mail!

At the same time I’ve met more good people out here, I think the people here are worse in general. They’re a little more selfish and vindictive if you ask me. They’re self-absorbed, in their own little worlds, oblivious to others or whether or not their actions may be affecting others. And when they do take others into consideration, it seems it’s usually to fuck them over. Yet everybody out here believes in God. I’ve never met anyone here who didn’t. Why is it that it’s usually the assholes that believe? Do they think that if they’re faithful and religious it’ll make their evil deeds acceptable?

Yeah, I’d say the younger woman does live in back and so do at least 3 kids. They were out running around earlier. In front, of course. I think we’re the only ones who do things in back of our house and who aren’t outside several times a day. I’d be outside more if we had porches or an Arizona room. I’d definitely be outside more if we had a pool and it was hot. If I still smoked, I’d probably be outside when I wanted a cigarette and that’d be a few times an hour!

I couldn’t hear the kids, though if I’d been outside, I’m sure I’d have heard a squeal here and a squeal there.

And now I’m 119 pounds. Doing good so far.

The AC people are coming out Thursday so we can lose even more money to things that shouldn’t be breaking so soon till something else breaks, costing us hundreds, or even thousands, in another 3-6 months. And of course, the competency of these people will be hit or miss.

If Scot doesn’t show up this week, then he’ll come next week and wake me up while I’m trying to flip my schedule, all cuz God’s mad at me for tuning them out with my fan. Well, I assure you, I hate him just as much as he hates me. Maybe even more. I’m tired of the way he’s allowed people to fuck me over and run my life. I’ve been tired of it. For the millionth time, what did I ever do to these freeloaders to deserve this? Was I their slave master in a previous life or something?

Oh, how I wish we were fenced in with a gate that locks! I need to lock those cheeks out next week if they don’t come this week. Unless he backs off and gives me a break for a few months, but I don’t know. Coming three times in less than a month and a half makes me think he won’t be backing off anytime soon unless he gets a touch of consideration for Tom, at least, even though Tom’s hours haven’t stabled out yet.

Tom explained to me that old pieces of shit trailers like what’s in back, aren’t equipped with the number of amps newer houses like ours is, so they use propane, rather than all-electric. That’s what that gas truck was that I saw.

Tom was digging trenches earlier to run the pipes into the plants we hope to plant some century, and I could faintly hear music. Just barely. Couldn’t tell where it was coming from, though. I think it was coming from a house and that it was probably either the renters or Dan’s. I just don’t get how so many people can afford to be home all the time.

I’m not sure anymore if the older woman lives back there or not. Maybe the younger one with the kids is the wife of the older guy. Maybe she’s not as young as she looks. About every other time I pass by the kitchen window, I see one, two or even a few people hanging out front. I really don’t like to have to see them, but at least they haven’t been noisy yet. It’ll be interesting to see as it gets hotter if the heat keeps them indoors. It may not. A lot of people don’t seem to mind the heat.

It’s not even March yet and already it’s warming up for the year.

Got a letter from Mary yesterday, who finally ran into Pérez. She said she saw her at Visitation and told her I said hello and that she had a letter from me to give to her and that Pérez thought that was way cool. However, she doesn’t know when they’ll stick her back in M Dorm. Remember, Pérez wasn’t common to M Dorm. I kind of have a feeling she’ll be back in M Dorm soon, though. I hope so! And I hope I get a reply from her, if only just once, but I won’t get my hopes up. What a nice keepsake that’d be, though! Ironically, I recently had a dream where I ran into her somewhere and was glad to finally be able to say the things I wanted to say that I was too excited to think of saying when I left the jail. Then she wrote me a quick note to take with me, telling me I was special to her.

In reality, I know I really was special to her. I really liked her a lot myself, even though we only saw each other 6-8 times.

Mary sent me 4 pictures of her son which I sent back in case she didn’t have copies.

She also sent 8 pages of stuff for me to type up for her.

She asked about my visiting her and I told her it couldn’t be till at least May. Tom’s not sure whether or not there’s some kind of a monthly report that’d get back to Scot, but I’m not worried about it for two reasons. When he asks if I’ve had any police contact, I take that to mean street pigs. Also, when he tells me not to associate with anyone with a record, I assume that means people on the outs who’ve been tried and convicted. Not unsentenced witnesses in jail.

But you know what? He can tell me anything he wants cuz I don’t care. I’ve served this world enough and have catered to other people’s demands way longer than I should have. No one’s going to pick and choose who I associate with. This state doesn’t own me. The bulk of my 36 years has been spent doing what others told me to do, going where others told me to go, saying what others told me to say, and being what others told me to be. Well, no more! The next 36 years belong to me! I decide what to do. I decide where to go. I decide what to be. I decide what to say. I’m nobody’s puppet anymore.

I doubt Scot will find out, but hey - I’m an adult and I have to live my life. There needs to be more in my life than having to do for the freeloaders who tormented and provoked me and my husband for years.

What a gorgeous day it is out there. Not too cool, not too warm. I have a lot of windows open now, even when I blasted music, and you know what? I don’t care if the renters heard or not, though I doubt they did.

Yesterday, they had their usual slew of workers and last night at about 12:30, I could hear base. The kind that comes from car stereos. I couldn’t tell where it was coming from, though. Could’ve been the renters. Could’ve been Dan’s. Could’ve been next door for all I know.

Tom got another raise at work and is going to push for even more money. I just wish his hours would settle into something more stable and that the stock would get up high enough so we could finally cash in some stock money and get going with shit around here. It’s already coming up on March, for Christ’s sake!

Two days ago I awoke at 124 pounds. After a certain image of a giant neck came to mind, I decided to really step up the action towards losing weight. I just don’t want to be greeting Teddy Bear with such a fat face (or body), though I’m sure she’d have liked me just the same. So yesterday, the day before, and so far today, I’ve had under 800 calories. I decided to do this rather than starve completely. I lost 3 pounds the first day and awoke yesterday at 121, but today I’m only to 120. And now I’m stuck too, of course. I may drop my calories a little lower till I shit off some of the previous day’s food.

For a society that bashes homemakers, there certainly seems to be an awful lot of people home during the daytime. People that I doubt work at night. There’s always someone home next door, at Dan’s, in back, etc. There was always someone in the houses we could see from our old house, too.

Every time I look out back, I see something new in front. I can’t tell what it is, though. Kid’s toys? Maybe kids do live there. The only time I saw 2 or 3 kids was on the weekend and I thought they were visiting. There’s a white woman there with hair just past the shoulders, and one with hair nearly as long as mine which is now just above the crack of my ass. I don’t know if they both live there or not. There can’t be more than 2 or 3 adults living there from what I can tell, and as usual, there’s been activity over there. A worker came with a gas truck following it. I was surprised to see a gas truck. I didn’t think anyone out here had gas. They weren’t there long, then a white pickup came to work on whatever. I guess an old beat-up piece of shit like that’s gonna need work a few times a week. I’m just glad I don’t live in one of the rentals. I wouldn’t sleep much better there than I did at the Vista or Crystal Creek. Although I’d prefer to do neither, I’m just glad that I can see them and not hear them, if I’ve got to do one or the other. And I’m so glad they’re white, too!

Later...

Damn! Now there’s a red car and a brown car there, too. I saw some guy, a shorter-haired woman, and 2 little kids. That’s a lot of activity for a white household on a weekday, but I know there’s a connection to the fact that they rent. Renters always tend to have a lot of company, though I don’t know why. If we suddenly started renting, I wouldn’t want lots of company.

Later...

Now all that’s left in back is the worker’s pickup and the van that lives there. The car that lives there has been out all day. I still don’t know if the kids live there or not. Probably not. I don’t see enough of them. It’s so cool not to have to hear a thing. I’d never know any of this activity was going on if I hadn’t seen it, and I know those kids had to be screaming up a storm at some point. Especially when Daddy tried to fly a kite.

The kids are probably about 3 and 1 year old. The parents aren’t much older. Late teens to early twenties. In fact, as young as they are, I’m surprised I didn’t hear any music coming from the car, but once again, we do seem to be color-coded by how noisy we are.

I’m going to try to maintain a day schedule for the rest of the month. Not just cuz of Scot, but so I can get in the habit of being on days if I’m going to be getting together with Teddy Bear. I’m not expecting Scot this week, but I can never know for sure. He pulls surprises on me at times. I didn’t think I’d see him once a month, then not at all for a few months, then every other week. He could start showing up daily for all I know, but if he did, I’d have to do something about it. I couldn’t and wouldn’t let that go on.

At 8:30, both George and a worker were in back. The water trailer was there for quite a while yesterday too, which was hauled in by one of the workers. That’s another reason I don’t miss living in places you rent. Regardless of how your neighbors are, there’s always something going on. Always some sort of activity or project be it paint jobs, roof repairs, landscaping, etc. In the apartments back east I almost never saw landlords/management, but out here, the landlords/management are at the apartments/houses, nearly as much as the tenants! Even with 3 houses, instead of clusters of buildings, the landlord and workers are there nearly every day.

We’ve been totally compensated, so far, for the shit we had to live with in Phoenix. They’re white, quiet and there are only two of them!!! I’m pretty sure it’s just that woman and the partially bald guy that live there. I also think the guy could work third shift. This is the second morning in a row I’ve seen him pull in at just after 7:00, wearing some kind of uniform.

Yesterday Tom and I decorated several light switch faceplates with pictures I printed out. I chose flowers since people or animals would’ve been hard to line up. We simply cut the picture to fit the plate, centered it down on clear contact paper which we wrapped around in back, then we cut an x from corner to corner where the switch goes through and folded the flaps in back. They look awesome.

I’m not looking forward to the pest waking me up next week on account of the freeloaders. Maybe, since he doesn’t seem to be considerate of Tom, he’ll back off if he sees he’s not being let in as much and is wasting his time coming around every other week.

Boy, aren’t we early birds in back? It’s awfully early to be having company on a Saturday morning. So far, they haven’t been a problem, but between now and Sunday evening, we’ll see. If they’re like most people, they’ll be home during the weekend. I’m surprised I don’t see them sitting out front more often, but there are 3 of them right now. The couple that lives there, and a guy visiting with a navy pickup. They strike me as the druggie type. They’re awfully thin and scruffy looking for their ages, and they look to be in their 40s. Maybe even 50s.

Tom said that while I was asleep when he was out toying with the AC, he heard music, but because it was coming in on a breeze, he couldn’t tell if it was the renters or Dan’s.

Speaking of our current breakage crisis - I was right. Someone will have to be called out for the fucking thing, and that alone will cost hundreds. Anything to keep us from getting ahead financially and with home improvements! We can’t even go 3-6 fucking months without something breaking. All that’s left that hasn’t broken down yet is the dishwasher, washer and dryer.

Also, my shit doll luck lives on. There’s always, always some kind of problem or delay. Well, sure enough, I just happen to be ordering very popular dolls that everyone has to have, so now we’ve got two dolls on backorder. The Sugar Plum Fairy, a musical ballerina, won’t be in till March 15th, but on the 25th of this month, they’ll get another batch of Mei Lin dolls. I love this company, but they really ought to do a better job at keeping their dolls stocked up.

Scot piss-tested me yesterday. Alone, that is. Now all I have to do hope is that he doesn’t ask me to go humiliate and degrade myself for a piss test in Casa Grande and that he quits making such a pest of himself. While Tom was using the bathroom, he asked if he was still working nights, no doubt in regard to coming here. But what does it matter? The selfish, inconsiderate geek’s gonna do what he wants and what’s convenient to him only, and to hell with us. Once again, I don’t understand why I need weekly attention and why my coming to him twice a month isn’t sufficient enough. There’s been absolutely no indication as far as I can tell that he’s attracted to me or sporting any kind of a crush on me, so we’ll see if Tom’s right about someone new in the area going on probation. He’s got 75 fucking clients, though. Don’t at least half of these need much more attention than I ever could?

We do appreciate his telling us to stay away from a certain AC repair company, but as it is, there are so many incompetent people out there, and we’re so hated by God, that I’m sure God will still send us the quacks. If not, he’ll make sure it costs us an astronomical amount of money that we don’t even have. I just worry that no matter what the cost, the damn thing won’t be fixed before it gets hot.

After leaving Scot, which took forever, since I had to guzzle some juice and let it work its way through, then wait for the judge and a screaming couple to finish up their business, we went to Walgreens and the grocery store in Sun Lakes.

I got a few new bottles of chrome nail polish. I love that shiny, metallic look! Now I have silver, jade, aquamarine and pink pearl. I’ll get the gold and the opal the next time.

I also got strawberry lip gloss, musk cologne, a few puzzles, mascara and ridge filler. The ridge filler does help smooth the nails out, believe it or not. I had my doubts at first.

Tom got some veggies to plant, but we both know we’re planting them to attract p-dogs. It’s harder than hell to grow stuff for ourselves because they eat it away before we can get a chance to.

Tom’s been frustrating the hell out of me lately. Trying to communicate with him has been a real pisser. You’d think that after all these years we wouldn’t have so many misunderstandings, but he’s always misunderstanding the things I say and reading shit in that doesn’t even exist. I’ll ask a question, he’ll answer, then I’ll comment further on the subject, then I get, “You asked, and I answered, so don’t get all huffy and puffy with me.”

Meanwhile, there never was a problem. I never denied that I asked him the question, nor was I mad at him.

I have such mixed emotions about this guy. I love him and I couldn’t imagine life without him, yet at the same time I find myself thinking of Teddy Bear and wondering what life with her would be like an awful lot.

Our home improvement goals, which are more like hopeless dreams, are to plant walls of bushes for privacy, porch the 3 doors, put in a pool, resurface the sheds he built, install interior and exterior fences, install ceiling lights/fans in both the den and living room, put shades in the master bath and retreat, replace the bathroom faucets, trim the skylight and build a garage.

It sure would be nice to have a windowless garage. That way, Scot in particular, couldn’t tell if anyone was home. Better yet, I wish we had a fence with a gate we could lock during the days I wanted to sleep.

I asked Tom why he doesn’t consider me fat now, yet he did the last two times I weighed what I weigh now, which is about 122 pounds.

“Because you’re exercising now, so your appearance is different.”

Not according to the measurements he took it’s not. They’re the same as they were the last couple of times I was big, and exactly what they should be for this weight/height (30” waist, 37” hips, 22” thighs). I don’t think I look different at all. I think I feel different, though. I have more stamina.

I just don’t understand why my weight never changes with all the exercising I do. Even on a 2000-calorie diet and even being this short and this old, shouldn’t my weight drop at least a little? At least to 110-115?

Tom made a nice Valentine’s Day card for me and I made him one, too. I had forgotten all about it until I saw his card waiting for me when I got up.

I’ve been sleeping really weird hours. I fell asleep yesterday at 10:30 AM and woke up at 4:00. I took a Melatonin and fell back asleep till 11:00. Then, incredulously, I fell asleep again from 1:00-4:00! Guess it’s all this freeloader stress and the stress Scot has been putting me through by being more of a pest. I mean, how many times do you need to see somebody over a letter, guilty or not, threatening or not? Anyway, I do sleep better on weekends/holidays and the Fridays that Scot’s in Casa Grande.

At least President’s Day is next Monday, giving me an extra day off from the freeloaders. I’m the opposite of how I was in Phoenix. In Phoenix, I dreaded weekends and holidays, but now I live for them. It’s the only time I know that if I’m asleep and something wakes me up, it won’t be on account of the freeloaders.

So far, no shit from in back. We’re entering the weekend soon, so we’ll see. Last night was the first night they didn’t have their front light on. They have a lot of crap in front. It’s like they’re using their front yard as a storeroom, which is so Arizona. I’ll bet they’ve never even opened their back door once.

Tomorrow’s Andy’s 40th birthday. And what is your life like today, Mr. M? I should know better than to ask. I’d be awfully surprised if he weren’t in the same situation he was in in 1999 - jobless, high and horny.

Anyway, Tom and I discussed Fat Cheeks and its becoming more of a pest these days. If it sticks to its schedule, it’ll be here between February 25th and March 7th. If it comes knocking again while I’m sleeping, I’m ignoring him. Totally ignoring him. At first I was afraid to do so for fear of him becoming all paranoid that we were trying to hide something in here. Especially if he sees the car and knows Tom’s home. But you know what? It’s our fucking house, I don’t have to let him in, and he can think whatever he wants.

Meanwhile, during the times I’m awake, he gets two shots a month at this house and no more. Meaning, even if I’m awake, if he came three times in the same month, he’s not getting in that last time.

At first I thought about trying to maintain a day schedule again, but nope. I’ve rearranged enough of my life on account of these freeloaders who wake me up more here than they did from just a few feet away. Between the times I’ve been woken up here for them, as well as in jail, I truly believe that something’s punishing me for every time the fan allowed me to sleep through their shit. I was woken up for every person I woke up during my prank phone call days, and now I’m being woken up for every time the fan let me sleep through the freeloaders’ shit.

Tom still thinks that someone new in the area just went on probation and that eventually, the unwanted visits will back off. But there are not that many people in the area to begin with! It just goes to prove how many people in this state wind up on probation. Nonetheless, I should know soon enough if that’s the case or if he’s up to no good. God help him, like I said before, if he fucks with me, and that’s not a threat. That’s a fact.

I was kind of hoping that a little courtesy and a little common sense would back him off for Tom’s sake, now that he knows he’s working nights, but I don’t know. He strikes me as a very selfish and inconsiderate person.

Unless it’s wishful thinking, I still see my Teddy Bear here in May. Just 75 days till I send the letter! I just hope she’s not disappointed in me for not losing weight like I said I would. I just don’t want it bad enough to not eat. I also hope her looks haven’t changed for the worse. Meaning, I hope she hasn’t hacked her hair off or something like that. I hate short hair. A small, microscopic part of me wishes she won’t show up so that I can enjoy food and be as fat as my body wants to be, without having to worry about what she thinks about it, though she’s no skinny mini herself. Also, I’m sick of long hair. I want to cut it to my shoulders, but somehow, I get the feeling that she likes it long like Tom does. But I don’t care about Tom’s opinions as far as my looks go because I’m no longer attracted to Tom sexually or want to get it on with him. Teddy Bear’s the current object of my desire. It’s just that this one, for once and for all, may be a reality. She’s no celebrity I’ll never meet, or some straight, prejudiced snob like Rosemarie was at the Vista.

Today Tom’s going to take apart the AC. Good, we need to know how many hundreds of dollars this shit’s going to cost us, and how much money we’re going to be forced to lose by the Gods that are just dying to see us get ahead in life after how hard we’ve worked and all we’ve been through, on these fences and landscaping that’s never going to happen. At least, it doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen.

Guess now’s a good time to mention “chickenmax” at AOL. I think that email address belongs to the one and only Dureen and Art O. Not that I’d ever want to resume a relationship with them, their daughter or their son, but I found the idea of sharing my story with them rather amusing, and so I have been little by little. I haven’t received any replies to this date, which makes me think all the more that that address is theirs. I had tried different combos, knowing that people usually use things they can relate to, like birds, flags, poodles, etc., until I came up with chickenmax. Chicken was their bird’s name, and Max was the dog’s name.

If it wasn’t them, wouldn’t they have either blocked me out or told me they didn’t know me and asked me who the hell I was?

Boy, was I one pissed puppy earlier! Before I get into it - I haven’t seen Willie again, but I saw a tall, thin white woman with that dog early one morning. It seems that the two vehicles there are a light-colored car and a light-colored van. No music yet. I figure that if they’re going to be music blasters, this weekend will be when we hear from them. By then they’ll be fairly settled and it’ll be a good time to introduce themselves to the neighborhood, knowing most people will be home. I just can’t believe we got white neighbors!!!

Now, if God would just cleanse our lives of these mother-fucking freeloaders, we’d really have it made, but of course he’d never do any such thing.

Scot woke us both up at 10:00 this morning after I’d crashed just two hours earlier. I was fuming! So furious that it took me a while to fall back asleep after we played the little game of fill out the form, and when I finally did, I slept the longest I’d slept in years. Maybe that was because I took both Melatonin and Benadryl. I expected to sleep till 6-8 PM, yet I slept till midnight.

Of course, Scot acted like he didn’t even know till today that Tom switched to nights, and I was wondering - is he really that stupid that he can’t remember shit? Or does he just not listen to people when they talk? It wasn’t just the fact that he woke us up that pissed us off, it’s the fact that he’s treating me like a common criminal. Aren’t I supposed to have written a threatening letter? Or does he think I’m this violent, dangerous psycho? He came 5 times in the 7 months of ‘01 that I was home for, yet it hasn’t even been a month and a half into ‘02 and he’s already come 3 times. He’s coming every other week now, which means I have to see his fat face every week! Well, I’m sorry, but he just doesn’t need to see me that often even if I’d written the most threatening letter in the world! That’s completely asinine, unnecessary and uncalled for, but what am I supposed to do? Contact the chief probation officer and say, “Hey, you know, one of your officers is getting a bit carried away?” Get a restraining order against the guy?

Every time I have to see him, I’m reminded of the freeloaders and what they’ve done to us. If they had just shut up and left us alone, this never would’ve happened. All this because they just couldn’t shut the fuck up and let us be! Aaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!! I want to kill the mother-fuckers! Yes, you fucking black bitch, pigs, and everyone else involved in this fucking bullshit, I just made a threat.

Meanwhile, I’m sure the freeloaders aren’t losing any sleep, time or money. As always, I’m sure God’s doing all he can to protect his precious little freeloaders.

Anyway, I am so, so close to absconding. I can’t just lay back and take this shit for another year and a half! It’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to Tom. Neither of us deserves this abuse. Perhaps Scot isn’t out to literally “abuse” us, but why is he suddenly bugging us here every other week over a fucking letter? Why isn’t seeing him twice a week in town enough? Why can’t he come to the house every few months? Even just once a month would be more appropriate. Well, if he’s up to something by coming around so often all of a sudden, I’ll know it sooner or later, I’d think.

I don’t think Willie and his dog live back there. I think he was a worker after all, cuz I haven’t seen him or his truck. Haven’t seen a dog or heard barking, either. It seems like the two vehicles that live there are a white car and a white van. I would think that at least two people live there cuz I’d also think that most people by themselves wouldn’t want 3 bedrooms/2 baths. On the other hand, you can’t get much less than that out here.

Woke up at 120 pounds, figuring I’d be stuck like I usually am when I hit 120, but nope.

Received a catalog from the doll company yesterday. Instead of getting Sugar Plum, Donna and another tooth-whitening kit, I’ve decided to get Mei Lin, an $80, 30” oriental doll. We’ll order her on the 15th, then after the post office - or somebody - fucks up, we should have her within 2-3 weeks.

I’m going to be rather tired for the next 10 days. I have to hold my schedule where it’s at till Monday when I go to get my ear cleaned, then continue on holding it till Friday for the freeloaders. Always for the freeloaders! Again, words cannot express how much anguish and humiliation it brings me to have the bulk of my life revolve around my own perpetrators!!!

I had a funny thought, not that I expect this to ever happen, but wouldn’t it blow Scot’s mind if I reported with Teddy Bear in tow? In uniform, that is. He’d be like - what the hell? That’d throw him for damn sure!

Still working in back. The moving boxes, if that’s what they really are, are still back there, and I’ve seen workers come and go. They were on a ladder in front of the house yesterday and today they’re on the roof.

Amazingly, I had 1000 calories yesterday, I shit, I ran twice for 10 minutes, I worked out for 15 minutes, yet I haven’t shed a pound. Your metabolism is supposed to slow down with age, not stop completely. It just goes to show yet again that exercising doesn’t make you lose weight, fat or inches. It just tones you up and gives you more stamina and endurance. I’m way fitter than I was months ago, and can jog for over 15 minutes now! It’s hard to believe that less than a week ago I couldn’t jog more than 2½ minutes and that less than a month ago, I couldn’t do stationary jogging for more than a minute.

Tom received a whopping $600 from Mom for doing her taxes! I was surprised she’d give him that much. He also got $20 for us to have fun with. The next time I’m in Walgreen I want to get more of that chrome nail polish. Meanwhile, we’re going to get me another whitening kit for my teeth, order Donna for $25 (I’ve still got Sugar Plum coming in March) and get current on the house payments.

I don’t know when the hell the fences and landscaping are going to happen, but someday I guess it will. Sometime this year I hope to get Blossom and Joy, but I won’t count on it.

Mom wanted Mary to call me to tell me that she deleted the pictures she took of me, but like Tom pointed out - what good would that do? The pictures were already taken, and I was already embarrassed and made a fool of. I don’t hate her and it’s not like I’m going to hold it against her forever, but she needs to learn that I mean what I say, unlike most people. A person should never take another person’s picture without their permission, and if they say no, then no means no!

She gave Tom a bag of M&M’s. I managed to control myself from eating more than a few, but that’s another thing that bugs me about Mary and Dave. They live on nothing but crap. Whenever we visit, they want to feed us crap. Good, yummy crap that’s awfully hard to say no to, making maintaining my weight rather hard. I can’t believe these people aren’t over 200 pounds with the way they eat. They eat nothing but McDonald’s, pizza, cake, candy, ice cream, etc. They’re the kind that would rather die than eat fruits or vegetables.

Got both good news and news that could turn out to be either good or bad. It’s too soon to say for sure.

Right now I’m pretty sure it is a worker living back there. When I got up at 1 PM today, there was a white pickup by the side of the house and a white car in front. I saw a guy sitting in front, of course, then he got up, threw a cigarette on the ground, and walked into the house, followed by a large dog. I later got a good enough glimpse of him through the binoculars. He’s white and scruffy-looking. Could end up being as bad as off-brands. He was thin and wiry-looking with long gray, scraggly hair resembling Willie Nelson. The kind that would litter the ground with cigarette butts. The kind you’d find in bars. The kind that may blast music with his buddies while they all get high and drunk. We’ll soon see because now’s the time they’ll start up with the music if they’re into that. Now that they’re settled, we could hear them anytime now. I didn’t see anyone else. No kids, either. It’s hard to believe that just one person could be living there, but Dan lived alone in a 3-bedroom, and in this house, you got just two people in a 4-bedroom that could be a 5-bedroom, depending on how you use the retreat.

Anyway, people who are going to be noisy don’t usually act up till they’re all moved in. It’s an “ok, we’re here, we have arrived” kind of thing.

Also, Willie took off in the pickup at around 4:00. He hadn’t returned by the time it was dark, and if he has since, it’s too dark to tell.

The news that should definitely be good in the long run, like in about a decade, is that they’re going to be building a Basha’s grocery store near the new subdivision. So now the nearest grocery store will be 20 minutes away rather than an hour. The closer stores and subdivisions get to the house, the more money we can make off of this place, which will be a fortune if it keeps growing the way it has, which is just as I predicted it would before we even moved here. This is exactly what I saw in my vision.

Now I’m not sure what the hell’s going on in back. Yesterday and the day before I saw a stout, balding man, probably white, though I couldn’t tell for sure, unloading moving boxes. Yet there are always 3-5 vehicles there, most of them being workers. Are they always going to be working on that house? Or is one of the workers themselves moving in?

What’s the point in exercising and watching what I eat just to get stuck for two days and end up right back where I started because of it? Huh? What’s the point? I swear, if it wasn’t for Teddy Bear I wouldn’t be putting myself through this shit cuz I just don’t care anymore. I’m fat and that’s that. I wouldn’t allow myself to gain weight, but I wouldn’t be hopelessly trying to lose it, either. I haven’t been under 120 pounds in months. Obviously, I’m never going to be. Teddy Bear will just have to accept me as I am, fat face and all. Droopy neck and jowls included. I know she would, it’s just that I’d be coming off as quite a liar after saying I was going to lose weight. Hey, I tried, though. I really tried. However, it just can’t be done and I’m through kidding myself and driving myself crazy over the subject. I’m staying between 120-125 and that’s final. It is weird, though, how a person can exercise like I do, watch what they eat, get more fit and firm, yet keep the same weight/measurements. It just goes to prove that exercising doesn’t make a person lose weight or get smaller. I know that the only way I could make good on my word would be to stop eating or come pretty close to it, but I just can’t live like that, and sorry, not even my Teddy Bear’s worth putting myself out like that. I’ll stick to 1400-1600 calories a day, plus one day a week to have around 2000.

Hopefully, my mentioning Tom’s switching to nights to Scot will spark a little consideration in him and he won’t bug us too often, but we’ll see. He doesn’t strike me as the considerate type. I’m just really shocked that he came twice in January. Maybe that’s why he did. Maybe he figured it’d surprise me after he’d been coming less and less.

He is one stupid dude, though. The last time he was here, he commented on how the back door’s way off, and I was like, you mean you’re just now noticing that? Kind of rude, if you ask me, to go to someone’s home uninvited just to pick on it. Whatever happened to the old cliché about not saying anything at all if you don’t have anything nice to say?

I finally found a song I’ve been looking for ever since we got the satellite. Maybe that’s because we’re using a new downloader.

Anyway, Tom’s switching to nights, though his hours won’t be set hours. He’ll kind of be working between second and third shifts. It’ll be more money, too.

He can now send me emails from work, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to send any back. I replied the last time and he never got it, so who knows?

It’s been so cold lately! At 5 AM it was 28 degrees the other morning.

Saw Scot and was in and out. Now he wants receipts of all our monthly extortion fees. Yet another thing we gotta do for the freeloaders. It never ends!

We both went to the recycling center this morning, and of course, Gina wasn’t there. But so what if she had been - I’m not meant to work. Not in this life. It really pissed me the fuck off to see all the lazy freeloaders lounging around town when there are so many things they could be doing. Meanwhile, I’m someone who wants to work, yet can’t. But whoever said life was supposed to be fair?

We went to Mary’s today. Right after we got there, she and Dave left to bring Pepper to get groomed. Before I go any further - we may change our minds about Pepper or any other dog. One of the reasons we came out here was to live in a quieter setting. I just don’t know if I want to listen to Pepper bark all the time. Dogs don’t always need a reason to bark, either. They bark just to bark cuz that’s what dogs do, and you can’t teach them not to any more than you can teach a baby not to cry. I didn’t like listening to other people’s dogs, so why would I like to listen to our own? Besides, I have enough expense and responsibility with the rats and mice as it is.

I enjoyed chatting with Mom, who’s learning some basic Spanish at the center. I helped her with her pronunciation. She gave me some really nice puzzles, too.

Then Mary and Dave returned with pizza. Then after we ate, Mary embarrassed the fuck out of me and even pissed me off to the point of never wanting to return to that house again. Her and her fucking camera! I’m sick of her embarrassing me by taking my picture all the time, then displaying it on the TV or printing it out for me. It really, really bothers me, and I’ve told her this before. I don’t need to stare at my big fat neck that seems to get lower and lower each year. I don’t need to see my droopy jowls and fat face. I may not have much in the way of wrinkles, but personally, I think I look hideous and I don’t need it rubbed in my face every time I go over. I don’t mind being short, I don’t mind that I don’t have a big chest (though I’m far from flat), but if I had the money for a facelift, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

I’ve been jogging in motion by running circles in the living room instead of stationary (besides pumping iron). I know I’ll never be thin again any more than I’ll ever be in my twenties again, but it keeps me from maxing out and settling into whatever it is I’d settle in at, be it in the 140s or 150s if I stopped exercising. I’ve also been watching my calories. Meanwhile, I’ll probably be around 120 indefinitely.

The new tenants may’ve been in back today, but I can’t say for sure that any of them were the new tenants. I know George has to have someone picked out to rent the place, though, cuz I doubt he’d have hooked up the power till he had someone to bill it to. When we got in at 4:00, there were 5 vehicles there. A car, a truck, a van, and two trucks that I know were workers. Through the binoculars, I saw a balding man in his 40s and a 3-year-old boy. Both appeared to be white. I still can’t imagine us lucking out and getting whites in there, but I don’t know. Everyone’s gone now. I still say we’re gonna get freeloadered. I mean, why wouldn’t we? We always do.