Just got back from the county dental clinic. Amazingly, they got me in the same day he called. He thought it would be about a week. I thought it’d be weeks or even months. Also amazingly, there weren’t many people and there were no screaming kids. Perhaps if I hadn’t brought my iPod there would have been.

The doctor, an Asian guy, looked at the two x-ray pictures of the back bottom left area and pointed out pus which means the very back tooth is infected after all. This would explain since the nerve runs from the ear all the way along the jaw, why it sometimes felt like my ear was bothering me. It also explains why it felt like multiple teeth were a problem, the fatigue, the dizziness and the ringing in my ear that I’ve been experiencing.

I thought he was just going to pull the tooth then and there, but he said we had to deal with the infection first, so he wrote me a prescription for an antibiotic. This is my first prescription medicine since the 90s!

He said I did have the option of getting a root canal and crown done, but that’d cost us around $400 even with the discount we could get. As Tom agrees, though, if a tooth is that bad it should just be pulled no matter how much money you have. So on the 27th of next month, the fucker’s gone. For now, he cemented it with this filling that’s not really a filling and said not to eat anything hard. It will probably fall out soon enough anyway.

The biggest surprise was his telling me I still had pretty good teeth. Pretty good teeth?!?! I wonder if he even bothered to look at the other teeth. Then again, their job isn’t to deal with teeth, but just emergencies.

I told him soft enamel runs in my family and that everyone eventually loses their teeth, but he insisted they’re still pretty good and looked at me like I was crazy when I said he could pull them all for all I cared. Maybe if the bastard above would ever allow my husband a job and us some real dental insurance, I could get them sealed. They have a sealer that protects against cavities now which they didn’t have a decade or so ago.

Wait till I tell my folks! Mom turns 79 on the 6th so I’ll call them or maybe even sooner, depending on my schedule.

So much for thinking the antiseptic mouthwash and the peroxide would keep me from getting infected, and so much for thinking that just because I didn’t have a fever it meant I wasn’t infected, but I’m not at all surprised. I “felt” infected and it’s just hard to believe one would feel so much pain without being infected in some way.

When Tom and I were talking about that nerve afterward, he reminded me that that was the same nerve that was the biggest danger when I had ear surgery. Yeah, well, it’s too bad the doctor didn’t fuck it up good!

The assistant I talked to before the doctor came in said dentures were nothing to look forward to. She said the top isn’t so bad because up there you have more of a ridge for them to grab onto for suction, but the lower ones slip easier because of tongue movements and not having as much of a ridge, which lessens with age. She also said something about losing 40% of biting pressure with age.

The co-pay for the appointment was $12.50 and the prescription was $6.

I’m not in the kind of pain I was in yesterday, but overall my mouth feels like it’s been burned. So I’m not doing great either.

Tom will soon be off to the store and I’ll be off to clean the kitchen with what little time I’ll have with him out of my way. I’m sooo sick of him always, always being here! But I know I better just deal with it because he’s got months yet before he gets a job.

Yesterday I was thinking about my life ten years ago. Today I’m thinking about what it’ll be like ten years from now. That’s a scary and depressing thought. I think things will be similar to what they are today, though I doubt my parents will be alive. I think we’ll still be broke, though he may have a job with insurance by then. I see us living here or in some other tiny old rental like it. Who knows who I’ll have for friends at the time or what kind of health problems we may have? I only know that within one year of getting my teeth dealt with, if I ever really can, I will be cursed with a whole new long-term problem. Since there is so much change on the internet I probably won’t be journaling where I’m currently journaling. I’ll probably still prefer rats as pets and hopefully, I’ll be even better in the languages I’ve studied. I will still be heavy and will probably still cut my hair only every 4 years or so.

It’s a few hours later now. I was going to post this entry earlier, but then I got busy doing the kitchen and sidetracked with other stuff.

Right now I am cold, tired, depressed and in pain. The future just looks so, so bleak. As I sit here looking up the hill towards Jesse’s place I think that even he has so much more of a life and more to live for even though he too, is older. He has what seems to be the place of his dreams. He doesn’t have to worry about finding a job since he’s going on disability or retiring or whatever. He probably has insurance, and he’s got just about every vehicle in existence save for a plane, boat and a train.

Tom and I were talking about how similar and dissimilar our lives our from the day we left Arizona almost exactly 7 years ago. We’re more developed as people and have had some fun times along the way, but we’re just as broke and uninsured as we were the day we slowly crawled out of the desert at 40’ long with our little old RV pulling our little old truck. We had Blondie and Baldilocks for rats then and a ton of hopeless dreams. But as I lay in the sweltering heat with no AC that night at the truck stop in Quartzite, I couldn’t yet know I had so very much more to learn.

That little old RV probably still sits today, abandoned on the far-out piece of land that nobody will ever want being so far from civilization and too volcanic and rocky for trying to dig septic holes on. I hope the local wildlife got better use out of that old ugly RV than we ever could.

Now why did Paula just leave me a 4-second silent voice message when she knows I prefer email? And how can she do it on a phone I deactivated in the first place???

Of the 8 friends and family members of Nane’s I’ve friended, only one has accepted so far.

It was one whole decade ago at age 35 that I, not yet in need of glasses, walked out of the jail I was so wrongly put in for half a year down in Arizona. It too, was on a Sunday. I wonder about some of the officers who worked there and some of the inmates. I know some of the inmates eventually made it on to prison either for life or close to it, but I wonder about “Teddy Bear,” Perez, Palma and a few other officers.

I’m glad I found Rosa even if it took me forever and I stopped hearing from her. Furthermore, I hope Mary is released next month. I’ll have to check the site and see if I can find out. I hope her lawyer gives her the stuff I sent for him to give to her when she was lied to about getting out nearly two years ago in exchange for her testimony against her murdering husband.

Who knew that a decade later I’d be living in a bummy little trailer in northern California, dirt poor, uninsured and without much hope for a brighter future? At least I got some good things mixed in – all the things I’ve won, my cyber friends, a few new languages, and a book for sale even if it’s only sold 4 copies.

I had a dream Nane messaged me, but if it’s a dream premonition it has yet to come to pass. I now know, however, for the first time since her last message to me on the 10th, that she is at least alive because she added a new friend today on Facebook.

Some “friend” she’s turned out to be for me. :( I try not to get upset with her because she can’t help what she feels and she has every right to feel whatever it is she feels, but it still kind of sucks to know she doesn’t care enough to keep in touch more often.

I sent friend invites to her closest – or what seems to be her closest – connections in hopes of them having some pictures to drool over, but other than that I have a feeling our “friendship” is just about over. The good in it is the thought of laughing over sharing a certain story with her.

I slept shitty last night because my tooth kept waking me up in pain every few hours. I’m still in pain. :( Tom’s going to call on Tuesday and is so sure the waiting is over and that something can finally be done about it soon enough.

The pain and our never-ending situation of being stuck in a rut have me a little down. In fact, I’m in too much pain to write much more and hating God – or whatever the fuck is cursing me – more and more by the day.

I was thinking of the fact that something up there has been obsessed with me being stuck in various places since I was in my teens. But what if I were to stop trying to get out of wherever I was trapped? It can’t trap me where I agree to stay, can it? So while I may accept the fact that a house in Florida is just a fantasy and that it’s safer and smarter to just stay put, can’t I ever at least be able to fix this place up? If no one out there is ever willing to give him a job, we not only can’t get out, but we can’t fix this place up either so we can stay here more comfortably.

I think Tom has lost his mind. He just described the weather we’ve been having as fluky. I’m sorry but there’s nothing fluky about it at all. I wish it was, but it’s not. It really is this cold this late in the year in NorCal. Yes, we have a few hours during some of the afternoons where it’s warm, but it really is only warm consistently from mid-June to late August. By then we have to start shutting windows at night. Last year we couldn’t start leaving them open round the clock till late June. I really truly believe that while most places are warming up each year, this is one of those places that’s actually cooling down.

Either way, I’m sick of this shit. I’m sick of freezing at night, especially in the bathroom, living room and kitchen cuz we’re too damn poor to keep it heated, and then being hot during the late afternoons. I wish it could be one or the other consistently, but we’re still 2-3 weeks away from that.

We need to stop dreaming and start living and think of this as our forever home. If it isn’t it’s going to be really damn close to it at the rate we’re going. We also can’t keep waiting for money we’ll never have. We’ll never have the 5-10 grand I’d like to have to fix it up. Therefore, we’re just going to have to think of ways to make these cramped quarters as comfortable as we can. I could sit here hating God – and I do – really, I’ll never forgive the bastard for allowing life to shit on us year after year and for ignoring every single fucking prayer of mine no matter how reasonable it may be like just to have a fucking job, and I know I’ll never forgive Him for helping to make our lives so shitty, but it’s up to us and to us only to make the best of the shitty hand we’ve been dealt. I’m never going to figure out what we did to deserve it and I’m never going to be able to change our fate either. So I might as well learn to just accept and deal with it because that’s all I can do.

Jesse had been pretty quiet lately, but Thursday it was the ATV and the dirt bike I had to listen to and yesterday it was the ATV and the chainsaw. What will it be today? Well, tonight will be the dogs, but fortunately, I’ll be crashing right around when they start up with their shit.

We still haven’t gotten the info we requested regarding our pension money. He says they’re just incompetent. I say they’ve got something to hide. We were supposed to be given the option of getting $200 a month starting next year for the rest of Tom’s life or a big lump sum. I think now, though, we’ll be told he can’t get the $200 a month till he’s 65 instead of 55, or the lump sum, but that if we want the lump sum now the penalty is that we can only get a few hundred bucks. I’d take it cuz by the time he’s 65 I’m sure they’ll tell him he can’t have his money till he’s 75. They’ll just keep dragging out all these false promises until we don’t get shit.

Yesterday we got me fingerprinted for the food subsidy thing. Amazingly I didn’t have to wait hours amongst a ton of screaming kids. Times have changed.

We also picked up the mail and grabbed some groceries, but that’s about it.

I chatted in Spanish on Facebook with my newest friend in Chile. It’s moments like that that make all the years of studying worth it.

Cocks and uglies. That’s all I can seem to get much attention from online, other than Andy and Christine. But Christine’s one of those in-between kinda people. She’s not a cock and she’s not ugly, but I’m not hung up on her like I am with Nane. If I was she wouldn’t follow my blog and keep in touch regularly unless she was as crazy as Marie.

One of these days I’ll get up the nerve to “punish” Nane with her story, then dump her. I’m just curious to see how long it takes her to give me her latest excuse before she, like Maliheh, goes and ignores me yet again.

We may be safe from tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, and floods and relatively safe from fires, but the fact that it’s 43º right now in late May is bad enough. Other than having a couple more weeks’ worth of cold nights before we get our two lousy months of round-the-clock nice weather we get each year, I won a coupon for a free candy bar. Nothing to get all excited about, but still nice.

What’s not so nice is that a certain tooth of mine that acts up every now and then is driving me crazy. It hurts so bad not even pain relievers help much. It’s gonna take a few days of using more peroxide and mouthwash to get it to settle down. I don’t understand how these teeth could hang on for so many years and not have broken up or died a long time ago. I guess I’m just meant to suffer. If I ever get to get rid of these teeth, I’ll be faced with a new long-term problem. You know how it works for me; I don’t get to solve problems, I only get to trade old ones in for new ones.

As for Nane, I’ve gone from wondering to worrying to not sure I give a damn anymore. Especially if she really has been around but is ignoring me. Like I said before, if it’s personal I don’t know why she can’t just dump me if she’s that sick of me or annoyed by me instead of ignoring me, but I’m kind of tired of trying to guess what may be the case. I’ll either hear from her again someday or I won’t. But as you also know, I can have all the attention I want from the males and uglies.

Other than not getting enough time alone and not liking how much longer I “vibe” Tom will be out of work, I guess you could say I’m doing ok. I’m hanging in there and trying to keep busy. I work on MT, I sweep, and I’ve been on a roll with my story. I think this new system I’m trying out is going to work a lot better where I just write the book first, then do all the editing later.

Later…

What I’m currently thinking as far as Nane’s concerned is that she’s ignoring me. I think she’s got things set up so I can’t see certain posts, but she probably posted status updates and pictures during her trip, which I suspect she has returned from. She’s usually on Facebook during the last few hours of her day, and again there was an indication that she was on at that time. Then there’s an indication that she’s not there when I think she would be going to bed. I guess she feels she would rather ignore me than just come out and dump me, but I think I’d rather her just dump me if indeed it’s true that I’ve made her uncomfortable in any way.

If her account had been hacked she’d have at least notified me and others by email, I would think, and if something had happened to her wouldn’t others be looking for her too, and posting on her wall? It is a bit strange, however, that no one’s sent her any “hugs” or anything like that in quite a while. I don’t think she could hide what others post to her wall, just what she posts.

LOL, I just deleted some of the posts I made on her wall. I wonder if she’ll notice it and if that’ll make her contact me out of curiosity. Then again, she may still see what I deleted since it’s her wall, after all. It may only delete it from my POV.

Yesterday Tom got back from meeting with the food assistance people with a big smile on his face. I asked if everything was ok and he said everything was better than ok and to go ahead and make up a huge grocery list.

We got our food subsidy card with over $300 in credit for starters since they pay you from when you first filed! We’ll be getting $245 a month from here on out. This will be a tremendous help and really take a lot of pressure off us. Life may still have other worries and other things to deal with, but food will be one less thing to have to worry about for a while.

He said there were a lot of people there but he only had to wait about 5 minutes. He told the woman, “Hopefully I’ll get a job tomorrow and I’ll have wasted all your time.”

But the woman said that even if he did we were guaranteed the food subsidy for the next 3 months no matter what. We could become millionaires tomorrow and it’d still be a done deal. :)

I won the book Wicked Lies by Lisa Jackson. :) A few years ago I won her Almost Dead novel and loved it, so even though I’m not a regular reader anymore with all I have to do these days, I’m sure I’ll love this one, too.

My own book should be on Smashwords soon enough. I created an account there yesterday.

Eileen said she felt guilty for not being a good enough friend even though she thinks of me every day. But her husband needed surgery and I guess her grandkids are sucking the life right outa her too, and so she hasn’t had time to finish my book. She promises to finish it and leave a review soon, though, and as I told her, she’s a fine friend and I do understand.

The turquoise sold for $8 and we’ll just keep listing lots until the whole margarine container is gone. His parents gave it to us in the mid-90s. They had a neighbor from Mexico who was a jeweler. He asked that they hang onto it for him while he went home to visit but he never returned.

It’s hard to believe that person who was so excited about moving in here 3 years ago is the same person who now gets depressed when she thinks of how many more years she could be stuck here since I know that getting ahead doesn’t necessarily mean getting out. But it’s going to be ok because over the years I’ll personalize it, fix it up nice as money permits, and turn it from Jesse’s trailer to our home until I’ve made so many damn changes that I don’t want to leave it and let someone else enjoy all the benefits.

I don’t understand why I don’t want to stay here anyway. Ok, so there’s more barking than I’d like, but that’s everywhere. If we got rid of a lot of the junk we rarely use and don’t need and then redesigned this place it would be perfect for us. Totally ideal. Owning is too risky, so why wouldn’t I want to just stay put and make the best of this place? Hmm… I think I do, but was just having trouble, once again, accepting the fact that life isn’t what we plan it. The only problem is that we can’t redesign the place if we’re broke. And of course there’s only so much redesigning we can do when you only have 500 square feet to work with.

The turquoise lot now has a bid. Still 3 watchers too, so hopefully there’ll be a fight for it in the end, and that will drive the price up a bit.

Talked with Jessie and Alison yesterday, but that’s pretty much it. I have my doubts that Ingrid will accept my friend invite because she’s simply not on Facebook much. According to her few wall posts, she hasn’t been on since early April and probably doesn’t have any other photos posted than her one low-res profile picture.

I find it odd that I got two hits in TX and one in CA all with invisible search terms but the same provider. I smell Molly’s family behind it somehow. Molly’s back to averaging two views a day, but she occasionally takes a day off.

Slept through the end of the world today. Oops, sorry. Don’t worry. It will still end just as soon as the sickos in the Middle East obtain the means to destroy the whole world. So probably in another 100-200 years.

As for Nane, I’m starting to think something went wrong with her computer on her way down to Turkey. It’s still weird that no one’s posted to her wall, but right now I’m guessing she’s just having PC troubles. Maybe someday I’ll find out.

Writing stories never gets easier even if you get better at it. I know Ingrid’s gonna try to get Rainbow away from Nadja, but should it be because Nadja’s mean to her, or just because she wants her to stay with her? And should I surprise the reader with this happening, or do I drop hints along the way? Deciding what to reveal and when is another challenge. I’m also not sure about the ages of some of my characters. I want them older, but I don’t want a million decades between Rainbow and Ingrid either.

None of my last round of dreams made any sense. I was 8 months pregnant and looking to adopt the kid out. Then I was in a high-rise apartment we could never afford from the looks of it even if apartments were my thing.

Our turquoise lot has 5 views and 3 watchers.

Other than winning the Rock Band 3 Game for the Xbox 360 to sell on eBay, nothing’s going on.

We have another 9-lot of raw turquoise listed.

There continues to be absolutely no sign of a job for Tom, and no trace of Nane either. She hasn’t appeared to have been on Facebook at all. Like I said before, though, it’s kind of weird others aren’t wondering about her too, and leaving messages on her wall. Maybe they’re just sending PMs, IDK.

I had a dream about my cousin Sharyn, only a lot of things about her were off, even though my dream self was sure it was her. I don’t know where we ran into each other. Some kind of reunion or party, I guess. She had just turned 50 even though she’s really 61. There must’ve been a pool or a beach around too, because she was in a bikini. She also had longish brown hair instead of short red hair.

I decided to send Maliheh an email letting her know I’ve been both worried and curious as to what’s going on and would really like her to know I’m here for her if she’d like to talk, and I did get a response.

Unfortunately, my nightmare did have meaning; it was just a bit delayed for some reason. But to think that I might now be able to pick up on other people’s pending disasters, late or not, through any nightmares I have that involve them is cool, creepy and depressing all rolled in one. Just like with myself, it serves no purpose other than to prolong my stress. I can’t stop whatever disaster is coming from coming just because I may have a nightmare warning me that trouble’s ahead. So it’s frustrating.

She’s just been having mixed emotions. She’s guilty yet happy her place was spared. She said she doesn’t know why but she keeps driving through the areas where they’re bulldozing damaged homes. She said she was sorry if she seems like she doesn’t care and that others have said she seems distant lately, too. She said she’s trying to make a comeback and asked how I was. So I guess no, she’s not slowly dumping me. We’ll see how I feel about that in a week if I don’t hear from her by then.

I’m starting to worry about Nane and think that maybe her silence isn’t personal after all. There’s only so much you can hide from your friends on Facebook if that’s what she’s doing which really doesn’t make much sense when I think about it. I would think that if she were really that sick of me or uncomfortable with me, she’d just dump me. But there’s been absolutely no activity that I know of from her. No posts, no new friends, no “liking” anything, no nothing. To make matters more baffling is that no one else has posted on her wall either. I went and checked and I don’t see any way to suddenly start hiding things people post on my wall from others. But aren’t others just as curious as to where the hell she’s been? I’m just glad I haven’t had any nightmares about her unless they too, are going to be a bit late in coming.

I had a dream last night that will probably have me scream if it comes true. Not so much because it’s the most horrible thing to have happen, but just because my accuracy rate is going from cool to creepy and starting to freak out even me.

The part I didn’t like about the dream was that it took place in a hotel. To back up a bit, pretty much ever since he got laid off I’ve had a vibe about him not being able to get a job until September. In the dream, I lay in bed and watched him leave for work through the window in the old 1950s pickup we don’t have with wooden rails around the back. Then I ran to my sister who was one of the hotel’s housekeepers, as funny as that may sound. She was sweeping out a stairwell when I came crying to her that I had a dream that Tom would be laid off from his new job in just a few months on December 6th which was a Monday.

Well, a few months would mean the job started around September, and when I checked the calendar, December 6th actually is on a Monday this year. It’s just too damn weird at times, the things I dream.

Eileen left a message on the cell to tell me she’s thinking of me. I emailed her and let her know I couldn’t extend my other phone but would call her once I get it up and running again.

Tom has to go to the food subsidy people on Monday to show his ID, get fingerprinted, and sign some forms, and within the next 12 months, I’ll have to go in, too. The medical thing’s on its way through, too. I guess they’re going to give us a card we take to the free clinic. I just wish we’d known about the Turk and this stuff when he first got laid off the first time in late 2008! Our lives could’ve been so much easier. Yeah, God could have helped us. He could also let me win the house I entered to win and really help us out, but I know that’s not going to happen.

The troll had fallen into a routine of checking out my blog 1-2 times every other day or so. Then I saw I got 21 views from her just today and was like, what have I done to get so many views from her? Then I realized she probably found Kim’s newest account through my ‘recent visitors’ section and was jumping back and forth between the two even though her blog’s marked ‘friends only’, damn it. I should’ve hidden it. Then again, I can’t protect everybody from this sicko, can I?

Andy was telling me that while he’s still much happier in life, he feels bummed that his sex life is “over.” He feels ugly and like no one’s interested in him. He said he realized a couple of weeks ago that that’s it. His sex life is over.

And I realized that my own sex life was over a hell of a lot sooner. I went on to point out that many older/long-term couples experience this, etc., even if most won’t admit it.

I know what it’s like to feel cheated and deprived at the same time I’m happy and feel blessed. And I feel the same way about myself; that I look fat, old and ugly. It just doesn’t get to us as much when we’re older as it does when we’re younger. Even though I know I could look a lot worse than I do, let’s just say there’s no way I’d get a job dancing if I looked like I do now 20 years ago! So I can relate to feelings of ugliness. I wish I could snap my fingers and have him materialize right now so I could give him a hug, but then I stop and think of how my appearance may scare the shit out of him and I cringe, LOL.

The love continues to grow, but the lust has long died. I know Tom would do his best to please me if I hit him for sex, but I just haven’t wanted to and he seems content with the way things have been as well. And the more we evolve as “friends,” the less I see him as a sexual partner. But this doesn’t mean I’d ever want to trade him for the world for he is the most wonderful person I’ve ever known and I couldn’t imagine life without him under any circumstances.

I also know I could make attempts to meet women in my area for sex, but won’t do that. Because A, I never find them when I’m actually looking, and B, the types of women I go for wouldn’t be in bars or putting ads on online dating services. Bars and dating services are more likely to be full of druggies, alkies, nutjobs and obsessive types. I’d rather that stable, successful financial genius called Nane, even if she is half a planet away and I don’t hear from her as much as I’d like and she’s forever out of reach. As Andy himself once said, the 20 seconds of pleasure and release aren’t always worth the shit that can come with it. I’d rather imagine first best than settle for some local chick that may very well cause me a whole lotta headaches and maybe even worse.

If I had to choose between real love and real lust, I’d take the love any day because I know that all lust eventually fades like a song played over and over and over again, but that my love for Tom and his love for me won’t fade. Remember, I told Andy, the next time you see a hottie walking down the street – he ain’t always gonna look that way.

Anyway, the point is I totally understand what it feels like to feel you have no choice but to resign to the fact that some things are just meant to be no matter what. We don’t have as much free will as some folks like to think we do. There really are some things that are totally out of our hands no matter how much we try to seize control of those things and change them. So just like he’s resigned to being sexless, I’ve had to resign to the fact that my husband and I are going to be very poor for most of our lives because that’s just who we were meant to be. It’s not fair and I don’t know why this is in our cards. We’re just as smart, capable (with the exception of my sleep disorder) and willing as anyone else and we truly did try to get ahead, but it looks like the best we’ll be “allowed” to do in life is struggle to keep our heads above water. But we ain’t getting out of that water altogether and this bummy old trailer and its serious lack of space will probably be our home for many years to come. Whatever my past, present or future dreams may be – there’s always someone else destined to live them out, but never me. So even though it doesn’t always console me to tell myself things could be worse since what’s bad is bad enough, I just try to focus on the good things I am allowed to enjoy in life.

We always seem to be lacking in one department or another. If it’s not money it’s sex. If it’s not sex it’s health.

I got up at 1pm yesterday and spent most of the day and night depressed. There have been no bids on our auctions, no more book sales, no book reviews on my book, and not even any waste-of-time job interviews for Tom with people eagerly looking to snatch up the young and pretty for hire.

Tom calls it PMS, I call it reality, though it’s probably a mix of both. I still can’t accept or be “ok” with knowing we’re going to be poor most of our lives and never have the things we really want.

We’re going to be poor, we’re going to rent little old dumps – why can’t I just tell myself this and get over it? Why can’t I tell myself there are worse things in life than being poor in someone else’s tiny old dump? Hmm… maybe because what’s bad is bad enough so it’s useless to compare myself to those who are in worse situations than mine. Yet some days it’s a hell of a lot harder to focus on what good I have instead of the bad. And today I see a poor, forever sexless person who’s going to spend a lot more time dreaming than living.

Speaking of dreams; the kind we have when we’re asleep – I had another senseless moving dream. I was moving somewhere but was moving with my parents. They were each driving a car. I don’t know where Tom was or even which one of my parents I was riding with. It makes no sense because they would never move me or anyone else and they certainly wouldn’t do it by car. I couldn’t even fit all my stuff in two cars let alone theirs and mine. But many of my dreams seem to have some hidden message in them or at least little hints and clues. The only possible message I see in the dream is any inheritance money they may leave moving us, and I don’t like that. I don’t like it for obvious reasons in that I’d prefer my parents to never die. But that’s not going to happen. So focusing on reality; I still don’t like it because that’s about 5-10 years away. That’s a long fucking time to be stuck here! We’ve already been here just over 3 years.

Gosh, I wish I could know just what the future holds for us! Even if I didn’t like it, maybe knowing would ease my anxieties a bit. But I’m never going to be that psychic, so that’s just a fantasy, too.

I realize that more than likely, if we ever stand a chance of changing fate, it’s going to have to be by me winning big. And I mean really big.

Where the hell are Maliheh and Nane? I’m getting a little sick of asking myself that and beginning to wonder if Maliheh’s playing with me. Is she really that busy that she can’t at least send a quick email every few days? And I don’t know what to think of Nane anymore. If she’s been on Facebook, then she’s been doing things I can’t see there.

Later…

“How do you know we won’t be forever poor and that this isn’t just about us? As in a curse that’s picking on us only?” I asked Tom.

“Because we’re one of millions of people affected by the economy’s collapse, and because the economy has been better before at which time we’ve done well.”

But when? When will it get better??? I can’t believe it’ll be before the decade’s up and that’s a long time to be struggling like this.

I still say God or whatever’s up there could’ve helped us and spared us from being one of those millions. When I think back over the last 20 years or so, there are so many things along the way that could’ve happened differently and for the better. Hell, Tom could’ve had a nice house with nice neighbors in which case we’d probably still be there with the place completely paid for.

I was surprised yet glad to hear that Andy’s getting food stamps, though they don’t call them food stamps anymore. These days it’s like a credit card that they refer to as food subsidy. He gets $200 a month and we, as two people, should be getting a little more than that once it kicks in.

Times sure have changed. It used to be that the lazy Mexican mom with 9 kids who refused to work or learn English was the one who did the collecting, but these days almost anyone who makes under 20-30 grand a year can collect. There’s been a big push lately to spread awareness about it. Even a group of college kids living together can qualify to get them as a group. It’s all about numbers these days which is the way it should be. Not about race, nationality or whether or not you have kids. Obviously, the more kids you have the more you get, but it’s nice to know they’ve finally recognized that even a white, childless couple needs to eat, too.

Andy said he was surprised I didn’t know this since I used to know about these things in the past. Yeah, but that was back when I was on disability in the mid-90s and would hear more about these kinds of things.

The biggest surprise was learning that you can make up to 30k here and still qualify for housing, though that one we’re not going to get because there’s no way Jesse could get this place to qualify. This is a 10-acre parcel of land in a rather expensive area and it’s just not going to qualify for C8. And we’re never gonna live in a scummy apartment again if we can help it.

Anyway, it was cool to play around on Formspring together for a while before he crashed. We’re rarely there at the same time. It seems that he, Mitch and my Ohio buddy are pretty much the only ones that keep in touch these days. As I said on Facebook in which someone “liked,” I’m not sure which is more frustrating - having friends vanish into thin air for no apparent reason or because we got into an argument. I think I’d rather the argument cuz then I at least know why they disappeared.

It seems that after not hearing from Nane or Maliheh for a while I then get what seems like a believable excuse as to why I haven’t heard from them, then once again I hear nothing from them until the next “reason” they give me. And now I’m thinking that yes, Maliheh is probably slowly dumping me and this is basically a game to her.

As for Nane; I probably said too much and she got sick of it. The last time we chatted in real-time I told her that her acceptance of those with handicaps only made me adore her more and that my lust may be turning into actual feelings for her. Funny how she suddenly had to go to bed, would talk to me “soon,” yet I haven’t heard from her since. She hasn’t even sent smiles and hugs or put anything on my wall in ages. Not even her own wall since the 5th, though I’m suspecting she probably has but just has it hidden from me.

But if she’s sick of me or feeling uncomfortable in any way, why not just dump me? Is it just a case of her feeling uncomfortable but not wanting to hurt me by tossing me out?

Sometimes I think it’d be kind of funny to dump her myself and send her the story I included her in, saying it’s her punishment for ignoring me, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t want to be mean to her. Especially if there’s a chance she may really seriously have a legit excuse for the silent treatment she’s giving me. IDK, maybe the guy whose ex she was helping get an apartment of her own hunted them down and shot them.

I was looking at a picture of Nane’s mother and wow! I’m still amazed by how attractive she is. I’ve always been attracted to older women, but this lady’s got to be around 70. Makes me wonder about myself, LOL.

The Beanie Babies didn’t sell, but the 9 dime-size pieces of turquoise cabochons we listed sold for just over $5. So up goes another turquoise lot. I wish I didn’t sprinkle some into the gravel around the pool we had in Phoenix to add color as I did. I’m sure the next owners were surprised to discover it, too.

We know they’d sell if we listed another large Beanie Baby lot. The problem is we don’t have any large boxes right now to ship them in right now.

It’s still cold and rainy here, but we’ve got another warm spell coming up in a couple of days. I’ll certainly enjoy it while it lasts!

“Always look ahead, not behind.”

This was something my dad always loved to tell me. Yet after I finally got my foot in the door as a fully published author, I looked back at some of my older stories to see which of them I may consider sending through that newly pried open door.

Hmm… I thought to myself. Let’s check out We’ll Meet Again Someday first.

But after I looked over the manuscript it basically screamed amateur louder than a cat in heat.

Next up for consideration was Heart of the Forest.

Amateur!

Next, I considered Nocturnal Obsession.

Amateur!

Digital Confessions?

Amateur!

Finally sick of being screamed at, so to speak, I began looking ahead just as daddy advised. Plotting, fleshing, thinking… Tap, tap, tap went my fingers on the keyboard, thus creating A Rainbow in Munich. It’s only 9 chapters long right now but definitely not so amateurish. It better not be, anyway, with as long as I’ve been writing!

The moral of the story behind the story – sometimes Father really does know best.

“I can’t believe it’s raining and in the 40s and mid-May!” I said to Tom earlier. “It feels like February or like we’re back in Oregon. If we ever are dumb enough to risk another long-distance move, no half-assing it next time. Next time we’re doing it right and going summer all the way.”

“But we were limited to where you could go because of your ear,” Tom said.

“Yeah, but we didn’t know till we came here that the elevation in Oregon was the problem.”

“No, but it was safe to say that was a pretty good guess.”

Ah, that lifelong curse from above; my fake ear canal I had created in 1995. Another dumb mistake along with the braces. And as with most major changes I make or have made to my body, be it as a child or an adult, I have been made to pay for it. And so I have come to see that no matter what we may have for money, taking a chance on moving to a place that’s right at sea level (no place I’ve lived since the canal was made) may be asking for trouble.

But that’s just the problem – I’m not only full of conflicting desires but full of mixed emotions as well. I want to move to Florida because it’s warmer more often, it’s different, and I can’t know what it will be like, good or bad, without actually living there. At the same time, I don’t want to take any more risks. I’ve taken enough risks in life as it is. As we’ve learned, once we take root in a new place, we can’t just up and leave the minute we decide we don’t like it. It may only take a few days to get to a new place, but it often takes years to get out of it.

I even have mixed emotions about a job. I want him to get a job that’s too good to throw away, but I also don’t want anything trapping us here should we decide to up and risk moving long-distance again if by some miracle we get anything worthwhile out of his pension fund.

Tom had a strange feeling along his lower stomach/hip that felt like a rope burn. It started yesterday and has lessened today, but we’re not sure what it is.

Paula called my old phone number and amazingly she was able to leave me a voice message. I just played it right from the link in the email. She was just calling to see how I was and again I have to wonder why when we’ve got email. Email is so much better than phones. I sent her a message and let her know that phone’s been deactivated and that email is easier anyway, and what I prefer most. It seems I’ve already told her this, though.

Anyway, between the cold, rain and PMS, I’m in a blah mood. I feel hopeless, helpless and like things will never change.

Still nothing from Nane. I’m really surprised she hasn’t at least posted anything on her wall. That is unless she has and is hiding it from me. You can do that and choose to hide things from certain friends. But would she do that? Hmm… I don’t know about that.

Maybe that’s another thing that’s got me down. Other than hearing from Kim and Mitch (yeah, I can have all the attention I want if it’s male or a huge ugly chick), I haven’t heard much from anyone.

Marie answered Formspring’s question of the day for the first time in 3 months and updated her profile there. It says she lives with her wife and cats and has all she ever dreamed of and more. Lucky her, if that’s true. She also moved, apparently, to a place called Cheektowaga. Never heard of it. Where Trumansburg was in central NY this place is in the eastern part of the state just above Buffalo. Hmm… I wonder if she’s still in the boonies. I also wonder if some of the “blank” NY hits my blog gets could be her. And why is she following me on Formspring if she’s so happy with the woman of her dreams she’s supposed to have? I guess there’s no reason not to remain friends. I mean I will always care for her and wonder about her but I definitely don’t want to go back to regular contact with her. As soon as she breaks up with whoever she’s with now, she’ll get hooked on me again. Or maybe she would even if she stood with her forever.

Still nothing from Maliheh and still worried about her. I noticed she now has a scan of an old photo of an older woman (probably her mother) on Facebook. I couldn’t find any obits on her mother, but I’m wondering if maybe she just died or is about to, which would explain the dream.

The cold and the rain are to be returning for the next couple of days – yuck. :(

We’ve got a couple of eBay auctions running now, and other than that it’s been a typical Saturday.

I had a dream that I was up all night. It was 5am and I was tired. But I thought I’d wait another hour till Tom got up for work because there was something I wanted to tell him. Hmm… a dream premonition? I doubt it. It still seems awfully soon and I don’t have the track record with the good things I dream of as I do with the bad things.

Tammy got as excited as I get when I hear from Nane because I slapped one of those cool egreetings cards on her wall. She gave me one in return. She said it made her day. I said at least mine was in English. :)

I’m really surprised Nane hasn’t at least posted anything to her wall.

Maliheh’s 54 today. Just when I was sure I would “punish” her by making her wait on a reply from me, I got the sweetest message from her. She thanked me for thinking of her and said she had to work and that part of being older meant no fun and no parties. “This old broad thanks you,” she said, also letting me know that she misses our late-night chats and hopes to catch up on those again soon after having to deal with one shitty thing after another happening to her. She also said she’d have to look in on my journal and see what I’ve been writing about, but I haven’t seen her on my tracker.

Then last night I had a nightmare about her. I have yet to hear about anyone having bad things happen to them following a nightmare I may have about them, but since bad things seem to happen to me after I have a nightmare involving myself or Tom, it’s got me a little worried.

In the nightmare, I guess I was expecting her. I don’t know where I was but I sat somewhere when I spotted a woman I thought might be her. Then she turned to me, recognized me, and we both went over to each other and hugged. Only it wasn’t a happy glad-to-see-you kind of hug. Something was wrong. She was very tense like something bad had happened. Next thing I know we’re on a boat. I guess we were sitting by the front of it because she fell overboard and was run over by it.

Another book sale. :) I’m pretty sure it’s Andy, though, who bought a copy. Still, that’s 4 sales and it’s better than nothing even if it’s not as much as I’d like and 3 of them were friends.

Tom’s going to be leaving for that job interview in an hour. Again, it’s hard to get excited when you know he’s probably not going to get it, qualified or not. I just can’t believe whatever’s up there would let him have a good-paying job in town here not even two months after being laid off. It just seems it would want us to struggle longer than that, but we’ll see.

Later…

There were two other applicants being interviewed for the job and Tom was the last one. They told him they’d try to get in touch with the temp agency that evening and that whoever they chose would start Monday.

And no one’s called. In other words, they chose the youngest one. Age is everything these days. Fuck qualifications. And so a job – and definitely insurance – continues to remain hopelessly out of reach.

If I ever wanted to feel loved by God and like He really listens to me, all I have to do is pray for what I don’t want in life and it’d be an automatic done deal.

But there’s something else that is at least somewhat good. It wasn’t Andy who bought the book. So while I’m pissed that he didn’t buy it like he said he would, it’s encouraging to have strangers buying my book. I was worried that after whatever friends of mine dove in, that would be it. Andy said he’d buy it, but right now his dilemma is not having the spare time to read it. I told him not to worry and that it would always be around. Meanwhile, I gotta guess it was a stranger because other than him I would think anyone who knew me who was interested would’ve bought it by now.

The rat’s gotten kind of fat like most of my rats seem to. I know I feed them too much junk and basically everything and anything, but if I only had two years to live I’d want to live it up, too. He’s still playful and loves his freedom and loves exploring, but he has slowed down a bit since he’s starting to get older.

Still worried about Maliheh, who I haven’t heard from today. Tomorrow marks one year ago that I first contacted her even if it wasn’t in the nicest of ways. And next month will mark 20 years since we first met. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long, but harder to believe we became friends in two totally different states, LOL.

Once it warms up another 5º in here so I can take my robe off, I’ll get to work changing and washing out the rat’s cage, and then cleaning the bathroom as well. It’s been how it usually is living here in a trailer in May – nice in the afternoons, cold in the early mornings.

Tom’s picking up the mail now. He’s hopeful that the flower GC will be there, but if sweeping is still what it used to be at least in some ways, then it won’t be that quick and easy. I’m sure I’ll have to work at it a bit as far as getting them to send my prizes to me.

Tom’s back now. I was right. No GC. But the wins are getting bigger! I won a Compound Miter Saw with Laser Trac and other fancy features valued at $225!!! The sucky thing is that we’ve got to pay $30 in notarization fees since they sent 3 separate forms that needed to be notarized – an eligibility affidavit, a release of liability, and permission to publish our names on their site. Why couldn’t they do this all on one sheet of paper? Either way, the profits should be worth it after we sell it on Craigslist and I’m now over $300 in wins since I started back up with the sweeping. My 3-months subscription expires on his birthday – June 28th – and I’d say that yeah, it’ll be worth renewing the subscription. Assuming we’re still as broke then as we are now, we may not renew for a year at $30, but do another 3 months at $12.50 instead.

Tom has a job interview tomorrow at 3:00, but I know better than to get my hopes up. Today still turned out to be a pretty good day. :)

I just wish I heard from Nane more often! But I think it’s safe to say that if I’ve never heard much from her as of yet, I never will. This is someone with obviously no plans of slowing down anytime soon, not that I think having more time on her hands would make her want to contact me more often anyway. :(

Even though it’s not until tomorrow, I sent a message wishing Maliheh a happy 54th birthday. This was because I might not get the message to her till the afternoon her time and wouldn’t want her to think I forgot about her.

I used to tell myself that someday I would once again live in a real house with adequate space and normal, modern features. But then I stopped believing. Either way, I can’t stop thinking of Florida and wishing we could live there! I wish I could get any thoughts of it out of my mind, but once I saw it’s to rain and drop to 55º this Saturday, it’s kind of easier said than done. It’s safer and easier to stay put no matter what the economy. Besides, we have a lifelong financial curse on us, so it doesn’t matter where we are. If we’re destined to be poor, we’ll be poor no matter where we are. I still wish I could get Florida off my mind, though, and I know that if we do get any pension money we should use it to live on, not throw away on toy trailers and moving.

Tom has been reorganizing the shed and making a little makeshift office in there using one of his old computers. This way he can be outside and give me more space while he works on other projects he’s always enjoyed doing without making a mess inside the place.

I’m hoping to hear from Nane today, but as busy as she is I don’t expect to. You just can’t make someone make more time for you, busy or not.

Been getting up at 5am for days now. I could get used to this. But I know that as always it’s just a matter of time before my schedule pushes forward.

Finally got around to dying two of my ballerina doll’s dingy old dresses. Patrice looks good in violet and Colette looks great in pink. We even dyed our shower curtain, LOL. Yeah, getting a white one was a big mistake because it stains too easily, so we dyed it purple. Only it came out as light lavender and has some dark spots on it. It’s still a nice color, though.

I’m a little disappointed in Andy now. He said he’d buy my book after his computer was fixed. He didn’t. Then he said he’d explain in an email why he hasn’t bought it. He didn’t. Again I have to wonder why people say they’re going to do things they don’t want to do. If you don’t want to buy my book, don’t say you will. If you don’t want to be my friend, don’t tell me we’ll “talk soon.”

There are 4 baby birds in the nest now. It’s so cute seeing them stick their fuzzy little heads up with their mouths open when they’re hungry.

Just heard from Nane a few minutes ago!:) Her mom’s on vacation, so that may be why she hasn’t accepted the friend invite. She said she’s been working till 7-8 at night, has to water her mother’s plants while she’s on vacation, and has been busy making last-minute plans for her own vacation – booking airfare, hotels, etc. She’s also buying a new bikini (I told her I wanted to see her in it) and other things for the trip. I guess “Jim’s” mother is from Turkey and so they’re stopping at her place. So why the hotels I don’t know. She’s also helping a friend find an apartment that’s separating from her hubby of 27 years. Wow, 27 years is a long time to decide someone’s not right for you! Does anyone have a house in Germany, though? It seems everyone has an apartment there.

Do I think she’s really this busy? Yeah, probably. But I also think she could make more time for me if she really wanted to. Until she wears off of me, though, I enjoy the few scattered messages, pokes and other things I get from her.

Today she posted her score on Mah Jong on my wall and poked me. I’m good at Mah Jong, but when I went to beat her score it wouldn’t let me go over 37,000 even though it kept saying I was getting more points.

While we realize that anything could happen over the next 416 days, 1 of 3 things I can think of in particular is the most likely to occur. 1. We could remain forever broke and stuck in Cali. 2. He could land a decent job that we wouldn’t want to throw away that easily and that he can actually have for more than 5 minutes and so we could stay here till he retires. 3. We could get a lot more than we expect from the pension people and get the fuck out.

And I would too, even if it meant giving up all my collectibles. As long as I could take my clothes, computer and stereo, I’d be ok. Just my personal stuff and my electronics are all I’d need. The non-necessities and knickknacks could stay behind. Getting rid of most of our stuff would be a good excuse to get new stuff later on, and I like things that are new, though I wouldn’t want or need to replace everything.

LOL, it all started when I said to Tom, “Sometimes I get so fed up with being stuck in a rut here that I’m almost tempted to just drop everything and get the fuck out.” That’s when he got to thinking about various ideas and possibilities and so did I. The daredevil in me will be dumb enough to take chances on Florida if we ever can and do get there, even though every time I’ve visited there she gets sick or hit with allergies or both.

As Tom said, sometimes the only way to know if you’re going to like a place and if your life will be better there is to move there and find out. He thought the cold and snow in Oregon would be a lot harder on him than it actually was. And I thought it would be warmer here and that there’d be more opportunities for us. I don’t think either of us thought we’d be broke, jobless and uninsured nearly 4 whole years after coming here.

I also said to him that you would think by now after all the disastrous long-distance moves we’ve made that we’d know better, stay put and not take risks, but as he said, “That’s just the way we are.”

Tom was out organizing the shed yesterday and vacuuming the dust out of some electronics and hopefully annoying the shit outa Jesse while he was at it, LOL. If I couldn’t hear anything in here, though, I doubt he did unless he was outside.

Again, it could be glitchy, but Nane has at least appeared to be on Facebook throughout most of the weekend and she’s completely ignored me. So fuck it, just fuck it. And fuck her.

I’ve been messing with Larry again, LOL, between joking and insulting him. This time he actually replied with a “what” less than a minute after I messaged him. I’m not stupid, though. I know he’s reading my messages. Wouldn’t he have blocked me if he didn’t want to hear from me or was at least curious as to what I had to say? He may not want to be buddies anymore than I do, but I think he agrees it’s nice to hear from each other at least once in a while, and that he likes my jokes. He probably even misses me laughing at him when he’s freezing his ass off.

The girl-woman is gone from his friend list, interestingly enough, and so is his mobile phone number.

Been getting dizzy spells. Or maybe lightheadedness is more like it. I wonder why, though.

Sometime last night our modem broke so I’m going to have to wait and copy this from Word into my blog once we get a new modem. Tom had already crashed when I got up and he left a note saying he hoped to have us back online today, but if not we would have to wait till Monday. Knowing how unlucky we are, I’m not counting on getting back online till Monday. It’s a good thing I’m not expecting anything from Nane over the weekend, assuming she’ll be spending every second of it with her boyfriend. Watch, though, with my shit luck she’ll contact me for some reason. Oh well. I did say I was going to make her wait on me for once, didn’t I? So she’ll just have to wait for a reply if there are any messages from her waiting for me.

What I wonder is how bad this is going to hurt us, and if we really will be back online by Monday. I doubt it. I guess I’m really going to get my way with making Nane wait on me after all, even though I didn’t expect to hear from her till Tuesday. Either way, the more I think about it the more I’m afraid this isn’t going to be a simple fix and that it could be the start of something really bad. You know, sort of like what happened in 2007.

I just up and asked Tom and he said the worst-case scenario is it takes 3-4 days for them to send us a new modem which may explain why I haven’t had any nightmares.

Best case scenario, which rarely happens to us, he goes down to the AT&T store and gets a new modem that they let us bill to our next bill.

For now, I think it’s safe to say I’ll be doing an awful lot of writing this weekend.

But maybe not. Tom just came in and said he spoke to them and they said to go to their store, pick up a new modem (assuming ours is in stock) and we can have it billed. This is nice and all that, but still, it’s an extra $100 we don’t need to be spending any time too soon.

Boyfriend or not, it will be interesting to see if Nane at least logs onto Facebook over the weekend if we really get back on soon enough. As I’ve learned, if a certain friend’s picture appears on the sidebar, they’ve at least logged in recently enough, especially if their picture keeps reappearing. Tammy’s picture hadn’t shown up for days which doesn’t surprise me since she’s usually on more on the weekend, and Nane wasn’t online at all yesterday from what I could tell.

Later…

OMG, it only turned out to be a $10 power supply failure! Since when is anything up there so damn nice to us??? I wish all our problems could be so short and sweet, though we still don’t need even a 10-dollar problem.

I am in what’s probably one of the best moods I’ve been in in a long time and it’s not because he got a job or because I won anything big. Let’s just say that up until a few hours ago I was convinced I had nothing left to look forward to in life. Then Tom and I dared to toss some very bold ideas around, and our adventurous side that’s been itching to resurface once again began to emerge. A seed was planted. One I am determined to somehow cultivate with or without the pension or any big wins! It’s just who we are – drifters, adventures – who haven’t stayed in the same place for more than a few years during our adulthood and probably never will.

Visions of coconut palms dance through my head!

If we can get the 20K we’re at least slightly hopeful for, we may buy a used toy trailer, dump most of our shit which I’m sick of anyway, and bust on out of this damn state. Then I can move to a whole new state I can hate just as much but maybe for a different reason – hee, hee – while experiencing a whole new place. Tom and I were cracking up over this, but it’s so true that I can find fault in just about ANY city, any state, any country, any PLANET!

The thought that there may be a way out, after all, has me grinning ear to ear and feeling more alive and hopeful than I have in a while, even if this isn’t something that’s going to happen next week or next month. But next year? I hope so!

We’d be cramped as hell and it may not be much fun, but we could live in the trailer till we got into a place somewhere, preferably a senior community, even if it’s just as renters.

My head says to stay put. It’s safer and maybe even smarter, too. My heart says fuck that shit and hello beaches, palm trees and year-round summery weather – woo-hoo!!!