Well, the cock up the hill is working again. The barking that’s been going on every goddamn morning this week has indicated that much. Last we knew he was trying to get on disability. He probably couldn’t prove he was disabled, and it sure seems obvious to me he’s not at all disabled based on all the work he does around here, so when he realized he couldn’t cut it on his own he went back to work. At least some of us can just run out and get a job when we need one even if it’s only part-time. So now I’ll have to listen to the fucking barking any weekday morning and weekend night that I’m up and about.

Tom said he saw his kid driving his car with him in it on the way out one day. That’s something he would do. If he would drive drunk, why not let a 13-year-old drive, too?

Again there’s not much to say other than being stuck in a rut and dealing with this never-ending cycle of bullshit that just goes on and on and on. If there really is a God up there He can’t possibly like us. Sometimes I’m tempted to just drop everything, take the rat and run to some other state – probably one with a miserable climate since those aren’t as bad off – and see if we can shake this curse. But we can’t live in the car without money, so knowing that our lives are going to suck no matter where we live, we may as well stay put. And I’ll continue to worry about money while not getting enough time alone and while being frustrated that Germany is so damn far away. Speaking of someone over there which I’ve come to like a little too much for my own good, I haven’t heard from Nane since Wednesday, and I have a feeling I’m not going to till next week either. :( Thinking of her and Teddy Bear; it’s really kind of sad that God waited until after I got married to allow me to lust for someone that actually lusts for me in return, knowing I could never have them anyway.

Later…

Ok, I know this is going to sound childish, so don’t say I didn’t warn you up front, but next time I hear from Maliheh or Nane I think I’m going to make them wait on me for a change, instead of replying to them right away. I just get sick of waiting on certain people who always tell me we’ll “talk soon.”

Sometimes it takes us a while to see who really cares about us, and other than Tom of course, I can clearly see that the one that does is in my own country. Only not quite all the way on the other side of it. That’s ok, though, she’s a hottie too, even if I’m more used to the taller, darker ladies. I wonder if we’ll ever meet someday. I hope so. Sure seems a hell of a lot more likely than meeting someone on the other side of the planet.

Not much else is going on, but is there really ever much going on lately? I’m just working online as well as doing a little writing and proofreading here and there. I’ve been neglecting my language studies and really need to get back on track with that.

Is it just my imagination, or is Nane’s life really as ideal as it seems? Meaning that she seems pretty happy with the way things are in general. She may be busier than she’d like, but she seems to be with someone she likes, has no money problems, loves to travel and can afford to do so, has a good family, and doesn’t seem to be punished for what blessings she has in life. I admire, even envy, her independence in many ways. Yes, I was once independent myself, but I wasn’t. I didn’t work for those disability checks I used to get once upon a long, long time ago. Nor did I exactly live well either in the slums of the city. I had shit for love, shit for money, and shit for a life. At least these days I have a lot more going for me than I did 20 years ago as sucky as things are. Still, I can’t help but imagine my life being different in many ways. I don’t want to give up what I’ve got (except for the money issues), but I still wish I had what I don’t have at times. I wish I could be intimate with those I’m attracted to, visit friends both cyber and not, and be able to keep a damn schedule. A part of me even wishes I could live in a different country every year of my life for variety, yet I also want to go to a place that’s summery year-round and stay there forever. I want what I don’t have and I don’t want to give up what I do have. Is this normal? Then again who gives a shit, right? It is what it is, normal or not, and it sure seems normal for me.