Took a walk down to the lake tonight, and OMG! I was amazed to find my dream notebook still sitting on the bench I left it on! Wow, huh? The front cover is bent back slightly, suggesting that someone may’ve read it, but that could also be the elements it was exposed to. Moisture in the air sort of warps and ripples paper, not that there’s much moisture at this time of year.

So now what? Drop it in Walmart’s bathroom? The medical building’s bathroom?

The workers are still working at the Twenties, as expected. I’m sure it will go well into next week when I’ll definitely be up throughout most of their time here and escaping to the bedroom.

Just wondering how often these people are going to hire people to do stuff for them, necessary or not. Just because it may be someone else wielding a hammer and not them doesn’t mean I still don’t hear it. I just hope they’re not as obsessed with hiring workers as Jesse was obsessed with doing projects himself.

Amazingly, my ear doesn’t hurt and I’m not dizzy today. At least not yet. Yesterday my BP was normal.

Did some digging by adding a slight twist to my keyword search, and it looks like Molly’s still at Marbridge, after Googling the place and her first name. Found their site on Facebook in which she’s pictured working off-campus at a food co-op. She’s put on a few, but she’s in her mid-30s now, so I’m not surprised. Another decade and she’ll probably be even bigger.

So what, is she going to live there all her life? I still can’t believe she stopped visiting my blog. Or has she? She never seemed to care if I’d see her on my log. If anything she wanted that, so I’m guessing that yes, she finally got sick of me.

So now for a review of my latest goodies. The incense all smells the same and is hard to light. My pressed flower necklace is pretty. The temperature-changing mug is cool. My color-changing lipsticks all look the same. The best thing of all… my new pink vibe hands down. Love how it doesn’t need to be plugged into the wall and how I don’t have to change batteries like crazy.

Just why have I been so horny lately anyway? Hmm… Stacey?

I read, not surprisingly, that the most common sexual complaints from men are cumming too fast or not being able to sustain an erection. For women, it’s a lack of appetite and the inability to achieve orgasm. So does Tom’s dick think it’s stuck on a woman? I’ve come to realize over the years that he may not have as much control over his body as I first thought he might, but I’ll never get what made him the way he was and probably still would be, or how he could be as ok with it as he sure seemed to be. Did not wanting a child make him more ok with it? Or was he just too shy to address it, especially to a doctor? As for why he’s got the problem in the first place… I can only guess some kind of testosterone imbalance.

I’m just glad Tom doesn’t wish he could replace this vibrator cuz as much as I love the hell outa him, I haven’t been attracted to him in that kind of way for many years now and can’t imagine that ever-changing. People really do change with age. And they need variety, even if they don’t actually go out and fuck that variety, and aren’t willing to admit that we’re not attracted to just one person in our lifetime, no matter how much we may love them and be committed to them.

Could I resist if someone I was attracted to put the moves on me? Well, not that I can imagine anyone wanting fat, aging me, but my human side may make that a bit hard to do.

The question is would Tom be too human to resist? I’m 110% sure he’s been very faithful, but I wouldn’t fault him for it if he had a night here and there with someone else just for variety. I know it’s me he loves and me he would always be coming home to, so I would trust him. Honestly, though, I can’t imagine him doing this. When I Skype him, I have no way to know he really is at work, but I trust him and that’s all that matters. If he needs a little “treat” every now and then, he can have it. Really think he’s always had an appetite as dead as mine’s gotten to be with age, though. It’s probably not very common at all, but yeah, even guys can occasionally be like women.

Felt a little better both physically and emotionally after crying and showering. My head (ear?) seemed to drain like crazy at that point. I’m still sick of dealing with this shit so much of the time. So I feel a little better right now. How long’s it gonna last? My head still feels “compressed,” but overall I’m a little better. I dusted the bedroom and after I ramble a bit in private I’ll tackle the bathroom before I feel like shit again.

Even though I’m sure she’ll tell me it’s just anxiety, I sent this to Doc A:

While anything is better than the hardcore anxiety I had earlier in the year, I have continued to have intermittent lightheadedness and fatigue that is not normal for me, and while I suspect it is perimenopause, it has been very hard and even depressing for me. My bad ear has been achy more often too, and I see my ENT in Oct. For me, these are my biggest concerns right now because while I do not feel that cholesterol floating around in me, I sure feel the lightheadedness and fatigue and wanted to know if you have any natural remedies you might be able to recommend till I see you. Any particular foods? This is extremely frustrating for me, especially thinking I know the cause given my age and symptoms but not knowing for sure. I miss my energy! Not the anxiety, but just not feeling so blah so often. Putting together a list of things to discuss with you, and my erratic period dates and will try not to make you late for your other patients like last time. Any advice for now?

What’s gone on with me over the last two years has made me see that some of my old problems that seemed like such a crisis at the time really weren’t that bad after all. I miss the days when my worst problems were wanting what I couldn’t have and being forced to listen to my neighbors. My worst problems just two years ago were mostly earaches, toothaches and occasional allergies and asthma. Now I’ve also got anxiety, depression, sleep issues that have worsened, fatigue, dizziness, heartburn, and God knows what else is waiting for me right around the corner. I still fear I’m going to have one thing after another until I’m eventually given more than I can handle.

For the longest time, I couldn’t wait till Bill died. But now I hear more about him than I did when the bastard was alive.

Went on a duck walk, not wanting to overdo it with the dizzies. It was there on a bench that I left my dream notebook. Will anyone read it if it doesn’t get drenched by sprinklers? I’ll never know. It’ll be interesting to see if I get any local views on Tumblr, though. That’s the only link I enclosed since there’s no identifying info on me there.

I just felt safer, knowing how shitty my luck can be and how I sometimes have to pay for the dumbest things while others get away with murder if it appeared to be left or dropped accidentally as opposed to delivered to someone. I was originally going to slip it in front of one of the houses here. Thought of leaving it in a bathroom in a store or medical building, but some dumb illiterate sp*c janitor would probably just toss it. No guarantees it’d get picked up and read from the lake bench, but at least I’m not “forcing” it on anyone like I was supposed to have done in Arizona. Yeah, I really “forced” them to read my mail at gunpoint, right?

Later…

Even though it may not be nearly as scary as when my heart would race, I’m beginning to fear that I’m going to suffer every day for the rest of my life, and it’s starting to really drag me down into a bit of a funk. This is on top of what we’re now pretty sure is PMS since my boobs are noticeably sorer and I’m moodier. But some of that moodiness is due to how shitty I feel. It’d depress anyone.

I miss the old me. I’d take back poverty over this shit any day. Other than occasional restlessness and upset stomach, that poverty didn’t touch me. I’ve had ear problems for 12 years now, but it’s been way more persistent since around May, plus I’m now having more days than not where I’m depleted of energy and I’m lightheaded. I have to push myself to work out, I have to push myself to clean, and I can’t even begin to push myself to finish my stories.

What’s with all the heartburn lately, too? I looked up an OTC remedy called Prevacid, but as soon as I saw the rare but severe side effect listed of a racy/irregular heart and anxiety, I said no way. Rare or not, I have just as much chance, if not more with my shit luck, of having that as anyone else does.

Anyway, I slept horribly due to waking up a lot and am tired from that as well as PMS and the perimenopause, too. What’s frustrating is not knowing for sure what’s causing what and what to do about it. I think my fatigue and dizziness are the perimenopause and I think my ear is nerve damage, but I just don’t know for sure.

The only thing that shoots down the damaged nerve theory is the fact that it comes and goes. And why would it take 9 years after surgery to become an issue?

Then my mind wanders to other questions… is there really a God up there that might’ve used my ear as a weapon of torture against me? If so, for what? Who did I torture for over a decade to deserve this “punishment?” Oiling it regularly used to help, but not anymore.

If all I had was an achy ear, that’d be one thing. Ibuprofen helps dull the pain. But there’s no remedy for my fatigue and dizziness. No matter what foods or vitamin supplements I try, nothing seems to help.

Fatigue, dizziness, heartburn, earaches… it never ends. I have a few scattered good days in the mix, but not nearly enough. I’ve got some problem or another more often than not.

And now the car is leaking water somewhere, too. Tom ordered some Stop Leak, and I worry about that becoming a big deal and expense. Thanks to me and all my fucking appointments, Tom doesn’t have an unlimited amount of time off.

I just worry that my upcoming PCP, ear and sleep appointments will be a waste of time and money while the dentist visit will just unearth more cavities. As Tom pointed out, my fear of medicine doesn’t help. I want to deal with my issues, but I’m afraid to take the drugs they recommend. I always seem to have side effects that are unmanageable. If something up there hates me that much I wish it would just get it over with and kill me. But I guess that wouldn’t be much fun for it if it couldn’t see me live to suffer. Maybe that’s a sign that the afterlife isn’t so bad after all, if there is one, if keeping me alive is the worst alternative.

I miss Stacey but don’t want to run to her every time I don’t feel well, which is almost all the time now, or jeopardize the friendship I should be smart enough to know we’ll never have. Even Tom said he doesn’t think she had anything more in mind than an occasional phone call and email. This wasn’t the impression I got, but I’ve misinterpreted people before and I realize I could have her all wrong. I’ll just stick to my original plan and call her at the end of the year or the beginning of next if I don’t need her for the shit I’m going through.

So I’m sitting there looking at my lab results and the range they want you in, and then it suddenly hit me… my T4 is normal. Always has been. Duh! Yeah, that’s how shitty I am with numbers. It’s 1.2. All hell breaks loose at 1.4. That’s when I have the anxiety that goes beyond anxiety and straight into the realm of terror where I’m afraid to be alone and swear I’m about to die. Only my TSH is a bit high. Not sure how one can be off while the other is normal, but apparently it can be.

Anyway, my only real complaint now is that the lightheadedness and fatigue seem to be returning. So am I going to be this way every other week or what?

Sadly, unfollowing the girls isn’t always enough to block their posts pertaining to their shit father from view. Not when Tammy comments on one of those posts anyway. My God, how can she stand to hear/see about him any more than I can? I know she’s more tolerant of abusers than I am, but still… I prefer sites where I have a little more control over what I see and who sees what of mine. True privacy may not really exist, but come on Facebook… do you really have to flag it in front of my face when someone comments/reacts to something/someone I can’t stand?

I really have to break the habit of absent-mindedly clicking onto that damn site. Politics, race, God, Bill… it’s all driving me nuts.

Gotta change the rats’ cage, do some skiing, and hope that the continuation of the Twenties’ project doesn’t wake me up.

Not surprisingly, Tom can’t smell the super strong scent our latest laundry detergent has left on our clothes, but my bloodhound nose can. I don’t like it very much. I love smelly things, just not this particular smell.

I was shocked to find my lab results have already been posted. My cholesterol is still bad but better, and my thyroid is the same… borderline by their charts but PERFECT for me. Just 2 points higher on the T4 and 5 lower on the TSH and I would have the anxiety from hell.

I didn’t test positive for muscle inflammation. Yeah, that’s because I haven’t been taking the damn statins. I thought it was about time I gave her a heads-up rather than surprise her when I see her. This way we can hopefully save some time. So I told her my cholesterol is better because I made it better, and that I need a break from the medication issues for a while. Also, if I do return to statins I might want to go on Simvastatin because I’m pretty sure I didn’t have issues with that. My problem was the levothyroxine in conjunction with a rapid HR and perimenopause.

Didn’t know they tested for muscle inflammation. That’s good to know if I ever do go back on statins.

She said we’d discuss the thyroid at our appointment, but there’s nothing to “discuss.” I already made it clear to both her and O that 75mcgs is all I can tolerate. For a good long time, I want to go by how I feel and not by what their damn numbers say.

As for the female hormone test results… she didn’t leave any comments on that and I don’t understand what they mean for the most part. But one of them was high, and according to our research, the closer you get to menopause, the higher they go.

I’m 99% positive the Pravastatin did indeed cause the throat irritation she blames on anxiety, but there is the possibility that the fluoride toothpaste we got online could have worsened that. Even Tom stopped using it cuz he noticed it was making his toothache worse.

Nothing’s changed… I’m standing a firm ground and not likely to change my mind anytime soon. I really do need a break from the on-and-off medical drama I’ve been going through the last two years, and I don’t care anymore if Doc A believes me as far as the sore throat goes. I know what’s normal for me and what’s not, and I know what symptoms I usually experience when I do feel anxious. A sore throat isn’t one of them. Besides, isn’t it quite a coincidence that I get a sore throat both times I take the stuff? It’s listed as a side effect, the pharmacist knew what I was talking about when I asked her about it, and that’s that. Again, though, what she thinks or believes doesn’t matter. She works for me and I say I’m not changing my current protocols for a while. I will continue with the same levothyroxine dose and leave the rest alone for now. Then I’ll deal with the cholesterol after I’ve had more than just a few months of serenity.

I did tell her about Tammy (who said she feels the best she’s felt in months now that she’s been stented) but not the details, of course, until I see her next month.

Tammy may be doing better, but Paula’s in big trouble based on the nightmare I had about her. I don’t care what happens to her after the way she dumped me when I told her that staying with us for two weeks, as she automatically planned on doing, would be a bit long for everybody, but every time I would have a bad dream about her, something bad would always happen to her. Every. Single. Time.

In the dream, I was trying to explain something to her that she just didn’t get. Her stupidity frustrated me and reminded me of how slow Andy would be to catch onto things, though Andy was still much smarter than she ever was.

The dream took place in my grandparents’ house. We were sitting on the couch in their den (though they weren’t alive and living there). A guy who was slim but nearly as tall as the ceiling suddenly entered the room from the garage. Just as I was about to ask who the hell he was and why he was barging into the house uninvited, he yanked Paula up with one arm and hurled her into the wall between the garage entryway and the area where a built-in desk was located.

The force with which she hit the wall scared the shit out of me and I turned, ran out of the den, through the kitchen, and out the front door. My goal was to run next door for help, but I woke up as I was running across the front yard and about 10 steps from the road.

I don’t know what shit’s about to hit the fan in her life, but I have mentally dug a huge hole and tossed her, Andy, Nane, Maliheh and Alison right into it. Then I poured gasoline on the 5 of them, struck a match, and dropped it into that hole. Lastly, I have archived them as a thing of the past.

Had another weird dream about dad and his friend Jim, though I never did see dad.

I was in a huge house that seemed to have many bedrooms. My room was at one end of the place. You had to go down a set of stairs that was sort of in the middle of the house and then back upstairs to get to another set of bedrooms on the other side of the house. In one long room with a bathroom at the end of it were two double beds which I knew was my dad and Jim’s room. I also knew Jim’s bed was closest to the bathroom. I heard Jim in the bathroom (though I don’t know how I knew it was him) and hurried out of the room before he spotted me. I was just closing the bedroom door behind me when I heard the bathroom door opening.

Later…

Burke is hiding behind the toilet right now. I forgot about their open backs. I’m never having Amy’s TV dinners again either. I had one and my fucking stomach just had to go on the fritz while he was out. I was hanging on Tom’s bed with him. Not wanting to leave him there when my stomach cramped up, I took him into the bathroom where he ended up behind the toilet. There’s no way we can reach back there, so I might have to terrorize him out somehow. IDK, maybe with bug spray?

Back a little later, and yeah, I had to spray him out. Fortunately, it takes a helluva lot more than that to harm a rat. But he sure didn’t like the smell. So I got him out, brought him home, and now he’s begging for the treat he’s not getting.

We made another Amazon order and I got some weird stuff that oughta be interesting. A 12-pack of mood-changing lipsticks that’s color is based on your body chemistry (shades of reds and pinks). The tubes have pretty follower designs and the lipsticks appear to be in an assortment of colors from red to green and blue to purple.

I also got a temperature-changing mug. The mug looks black and then has streaks of colors when filled with a hot drink.

Then I got a pink vibrator that charges via USB (vibes have come a long way since the ‘80s), and a necklace with real pressed flowers embedded in clear resin.

Lastly, I got a variety of incense and a dozen color-changing solar lights to stake in around the front of the place for decoration. It’s amazing how they need no wiring or electricity.

Went to the lab and they were just a few minutes late for my appointment. I told the girl up front that she needed to use a butterfly needle on me, and all went smoothly. Now I just have to hope the numbers aren’t too bad.

I’m a little concerned about Tom and his infected teeth. He’s had issues on and off for years and has lost some teeth over the years due to not keeping up on them. He has the same phobia of dentists as I do with eye doctors. I think it’s getting to be time, though, when he really needs to get things taken care of. He’s a little worried about sedation as an adult with a low HR and would feel safer being sedated in a hospital with MDs, not just a dentist. I get his fears. We always worry and hope that the doctors we see really know what they’re doing. I just hate to see him keep suffering.

After the lab, we went to Carl’s and I had more cholesterol than I’ve had in a month, LOL. Damn, was that burger and fries good!

Then we went to Target. I guess 12 is the new 2. It’s frustrating and sad with all the brats that carry on like wild animals in today’s world, and it’s not just little kids anymore. You’ve got tweens running through the stores screaming their asses off. It’s just ridiculous that one can’t even shop in peace anymore. At least not here you can’t. Oh, to move to Maui. :)

Anyway, since he’s working tomorrow and doing the regular grocery shopping on Sunday instead, we only grabbed a small basket of things.

I didn’t find the particular sports bra I was looking for, but I did help an Asian mom who just moved to the US (at least 3 more foreigners to add to the overcrowding and our overburdened resources) with American clothing sizes.

I was also looking for a midi ring yet they had not one single ring for sale in the whole damn store. I was surprised. Of course if I weren’t looking for one they’d have tons of them. Isn’t that how it usually works?

The workers tore the whole front and side off of the Twenties’ place, and let me guess… it’s going to be one or two more weeks that I’ll have to listen to this project? Maybe three? I’m sure God’s making sure they’re here at least one whole week while I’m right smack on days.

Well, at night when it’s more peaceful and there are fewer distractions I’m working on my Tumblr voice blog. It’s been a fun, unique and interesting way of journaling.

I just wish I were a little more awake! I gotta get out for at least a short run and do some core exercises. I didn’t work out at all the last two days and I don’t like to take more than two days off.

So first I thought Tammy had a heart attack, then I thought she was just close to having one, but today I talked to her now that she’s home and stabilized and yes she did. The heart attack was not only happening when the paramedics picked her up Thursday morning but a few days before this as well.

She had jaw and upper back pain. I remember reading an article about a woman who had these pains and didn’t know why. She kept taking pain relievers to get rid of the pain. She eventually went to the ER and the doctor told her it was a good thing she came in because she was having a heart attack.

As I told her today on the phone, I’ve had a feeling for years now that I would eventually die of a heart attack or stroke as opposed to cancer or an accident or anything else. I’ve also had a bad feeling for her for when she’s around 63, but I don’t have a 100% accuracy rate so that leaves room for hope. Maybe nothing significant will happen to her at that time.

I wonder about those little things we can’t always be sure of, though. At least not unless it kills us. Like that 20 seconds or so of cramps that shot through my left chest last night. It seemed to be behind my boob. At this point, I still think my heart and arteries are fine, especially since the carotid ultrasound didn’t show anything scary, but she urged me to get checked nonetheless. I’ll eventually have a cardiologist to a stress test on me. Heart disease does run rampant in our family and has been the cause of death for almost everyone in the family that I know of. I’d be willing to bet just about anything it would’ve taken out Larry had he not gotten liver cancer first. My problem is that I’m sensitive to medication, so treatment isn’t always an option for me.

Anyway, we were both feeling a little anxious when I called her. Her because she sees the heart doctor tomorrow, me probably because of the perimenopause. It was nothing scary, just a slight elevation being a little over 100 BPM. BP was great today, though, at 115. Tammy and I helped calm each other down just by chatting.

She told me more of what she went through… how scared she was, how they tried to insert the stents into her wrist but had to go through her groin. How she had a nice view from her private room, but couldn’t get much sleep there because they were always waking her up to do something. A nurse will be going to her house.

It brings tears to my eyes to think of all she’s gone through and she’s not even 60 yet. As she admitted, though, it’s been a scary ordeal. As I tell her, she’s still the stronger one.

She loves the flowers, she told me. She sees flowers like I would see a bunch of perfume or a really nice, realistic-looking doll. It’s a good thing I knew her favorite color is purple otherwise she would’ve gotten rainbow roses. She’d have liked those too, though, and damn was they gorgeous! The only ones I considered ugly were the giant sunflowers in a brown vase that matched the centers of the flowers. White, yellow and orange flowers never appealed to me. I’m more of a pink and purple person with some blues and reds.

Anyway, I’m glad that for right now my worst problem is hammering at the Twenties, and a very definite “menopot.” Seriously, LOL, I have never been this bloated in my life. Any more and I’ll barely be able to bend over. Tom and Stacey may not think so but I think I look like shit. Not the worst in the world mind you, but shitty enough. If I haven’t had a period by around September 10th, though, I’m going to think this could be it.

Hitting the lab tomorrow afternoon and one of the tests will be my estrogen levels. Hopefully the idiots will post the numbers online like they’re supposed to instead of waiting for days and eventually calling me, and I’ll get a sense of just how far into the perimenopause I am, but at this point, I can’t believe I’ve got much further to go… or that I’ll ever be under a size 10-12 again.

Haven’t had any dizziness or fatigue (other than a little fatigue from not sleeping well) in about a week, and I wonder if that one Benadryl was more helpful than I realized. But my ear still aches more often than it should, and I wake up more often than I should, too. Maybe I’ll take lorazepam before bed so I’m more likely to wake up less often. Even if I don’t refill my prescription, I might as well use what I have when I feel I could benefit from it.

I think that pretty much covers everything for now. I don’t care about what my estrogen score is, but I sure do worry about the TSH, T4, and lipid panel. The only one I expect to really flunk out on those is the lipid. And then I’m going to have one hell of a cholesterol-fueled party for a day or two and then jump on the Slim Fast or Special K diet…maybe. I can’t force weight off that my body doesn’t want to give up no matter how much I may diet and exercise.

The Mayo Clinic (or was it WebMD?) recommends smaller more frequent meals for the menopot problem I’m having, but that’s not any easier to stick to than larger less frequent meals. You go crazy with hunger due to the waiting time between the larger less frequent meals as you do with skimpy little meals that are just never enough to fill you up. Oh well. Cheeseburgers first, diet plans later. :)

Tammy got the flowers and says they’re gorgeous. I’m glad they made it to her! She deserves them.

Had a near-perfect upper BP number reading at 121. Yes!

Got a lab appointment for 4:00 on Friday. Not looking forward to it and dreading the numbers, as always, but certainly they can’t be that bad. My hair’s growing too fast to be low on thyroid, and I remember phone numbers too easily, LOL. I’m more worried about cholesterol numbers.

Did a 32-min RV walk last night. My HR peaked at 142. The beauty and serenity of the park at night helps make up for the daytime annoyances, and damn are there many! Yeah, it’s not a very thrilling thing having to wake up to tons of hammering. God, I am SICK to death of there being one thing after another going on here! We can’t even go two whole weeks without having to hear someone working on something.

Anyway, they’re repairing the damaged wood that the termites destroyed at the Twenties, and I’m sure next comes the tenting. Then maybe they’ll put up a garage. Then maybe they’ll redo their landscaping… and this is along with what everyone else around us decides to make us listen to. Oh, to live in a place that when someone has something worked on, you don’t have to know about it. A true fantasy, I know.

So glad I got up at 1pm and not 7am. I’m sure the hammering had to have been going on all day. The question is how many weeks with this particular project take?

Right now the only annoyances are the blasting freeway stereos.

I wonder just how noisy Stacey’s neighborhood is. It looks like there would be plenty of screaming kids, barking dogs, and probably stereos, too.

In fact, I wonder a lot more than that. I asked Tom if he thought I’d ever hear from Stacey if she didn’t hear from me first. I personally have my doubts since people don’t usually take the initiative upon themselves to seek me out first. It’s only after I’ve sought them out that I may or may not hear from them. Believe me, a part of me is tempted to listen to my head and forget her since that’s how you get stuck dealing with the Alisons of the world.

But Stacey isn’t Alison. Not even close.

Anyway, Tom thinks that yes, in 6 months to a year, I’ll hear from her.

What I wonder, though, is if I hear from her… how would we work things out? If she wanted a friendship with me, how would we get any alone time? I have no problem with Tom, or even her husband, being around some of the time. But I would like to have her to myself for the most part and I just wonder how we’d make this happen. Other than when Tom works a Saturday here and there or is out running errands, he’s always home on weekends, which is when Stacey’s not working. So would she bring me to her place? And would her husband always be there?

Also, there’s the issue of driving. Driving to pick me up and bring me to her place and then back again would mean spending 1.5 hours on the road. Would I really be worth that to her?

Had an interesting chat with Jen on Facebook. This is the Jen who was just 9 years old at the time I lived next to her and her large family at the NHA projects in Connecticut. The family that drove me batshit crazy with their thunderous noise, that never let me sleep, and that ultimately ran me into the ground both emotionally and physically. The whole place did. Between that and still smoking with bad allergies and asthma, I had a total meltdown and ended up in the psych ward for about a week before my father shipped me to Andy in Arizona. Ten days later I got my own studio and then I met Tom after nearly a year.

Jenny lived with her 3 older brothers and parents at the NHA back in 1992. I was 26 and her mother Barbara was 31. I swear that despite all the complaining I do about any noise here, this place is totally comatose compared to how the NHA was. The walls were so fucking thin that when their phone would ring I would think it was mine.

Despite having only a few years in my entire life where I thought I might want a kid, and mostly finding them to be loud, annoying, uncivilized and costly little brats, I’ve always kind of had a way with kids. They’ve always seemed to be drawn to me. Perhaps because I’m small? Or maybe cuz I like bright colors like they do? shrugs Who knows? Whatever the case, they would constantly be at my door and sometimes I’d let them hang out at my place. Good luck to me as far as getting any peace outdoors, though, for they would be just as quick to flock around me and smother me as soon as they’d see me.

Barbara had a “tough” reputation and when she finally got fed up with me complaining about her and Dave not controlling their unruly brood, she flew over to my place in a rage, but of course I wouldn’t dare open the door. I was in good shape then, yes, but at barely 5 feet, 90 pounds soaking wet, I wasn’t about to face off with one that had a few inches and dozens of pounds on me, especially when I was sicker than a dog. I was exhausted as hell and wheezing my ass off with an asthma attack that soon landed me in the ER.

With my combination of good long-term memory and expert journal keeping, I looked her up on Facebook just for kicks and gave her the piece of mind I always wanted to give the coward who sued a tobacco company for millions when she got cancer of the larynx in the late 90s and had one of those things stuck in her throat. I don’t know what they’re called. It makes people sound funny when they talk. Tammy would probably know what it is. Anyway, I had said something like, “Come threaten this presently fit, muscular, healthy, smoke-free AND fat bitch now, Barbara.”

It was a few years ago that I read about her lawsuit and at first I was pissed. She chose to smoke and got millions from doing it while we lived in poverty for years… WTF?

For the longest time, I always felt that if there was a God up there, it’s always protected my perps by making sure I either couldn’t fight back or they were out of reach to at least try to. They always remained unpunished and karma always seemed to conveniently forget them. But then I realized that maybe this was to protect me. I mean of course if someone robbed me I’d want them to pay for it… but think about it, I told myself. What if you could have taken her that day she came screaming to your door. What would you have done? Well, the answer’s obvious… I wouldn’t have just stood there. I probably would’ve kicked the shit out of her and ended up in jail. Would I harm her now if she suddenly appeared before me? Naw, not without being threatened in some way. Then yes, you bet I’d open that door real damn fast no matter how shitty I felt. The older me gets pissed a lot quicker and easier when it comes to bullies whereas the younger me tended to get scared. Trust me, if Rick and Rosemarie paid me the same visit they paid me in Phoenix, I’d be in jail right now. Same goes for the black bitch next to Tom and I a few years later. Our local crazy war vet was a little scary at times, though, but only at first. Once my fear turned to anger, she was smart enough to back off.

I’ll never understand some people, though. How can you provoke people and then act like they’re the ones picking on you when you finally push them enough to get a reaction from them? Really, I hope no one makes any direct threats or tries to harm today’s me unless they’re either very tough or very armed because yes, I will rip them to shreds in a heartbeat. No more shying away and sending the wrong message. Ok, so there are some limits. If today’s disabled Barbara threatened me, then no. It takes a real coward to attack someone you know damn well you could hurt.

Back to Barbara. Well, today I got a message from Jen and at first she was very defensive and not the least bit friendly. She asked who I was and I told her. She then told me that her mother didn’t remember me. I wasn’t surprised. So many people will make casual threats and then forget all about them and the people they threatened (or sought legal revenge on), but the people they threaten never forget them. Really, I don’t think people realize the magnitude of destruction on one’s life you can have with your quick little fits of anger and your “easy” jabs of vengeance. They get on with their lives while others are left to pay for their actions be it with just shitty memories or a huge loss of money and freedom. Trying to tell these people, “It’s in the past and can’t be undone,” doesn’t always resolve the issue for them and achieve closure within their minds. Sometimes it can be like trying to tell a rape victim to just “get over it.”

It felt good to speak my mind and get things off my chest, as silly as it may seem to some people, and even though it’s ancient history.

They got a kick out of some of the journals I shared from those days and we ended up having a few laughs. Barbara remembered me from my pictures and said I was short and cute, and she kinda remembered the grease fire incident too, LOL. Tammy probably does as well. She volunteered with the fire/ambulance department at the time and heard the call go out over the scanner.

As we were discussing, I think Barbara was worried about me catching Dave’s eye, but honestly, I not only respect other people’s relationships, but I also wasn’t the least bit interested in him. Yeah, I was attractive back in those days. I knew it and so did other people. Stacey may think it a shame that today I call myself fat and ugly, but well, I kinda am compared to then, haha.

Barbara and Jen now live in Florida but Dave’s still up north. We all agreed it was now water under the bridge. There are only about a dozen or so people I could never forgive even with the most heartfelt of apologies and a few of them are already dead.

Tammy’s home! I don’t know why I thought she was to have a 12-hour operation. Maybe I misunderstood her? The installing of the stents was actually a quick and simple procedure. Sarah updated me yesterday to let me know that she was doing great and able to get around. Hopefully, this will help her to become more active. Being forced to just sit around doing nothing is no way to live. Honestly, I’d rather die than be in a wheelchair for life if those were my only options. Anyway, I guess they placed one stent in in the daytime, then another late at night.

Not judging her way of thinking and believing, of course, but not surprisingly, she’s thanking God for having her saved in the nick of time. Yeah, that’s great if one exists, but wouldn’t it be nice if it stopped picking on her in the first place? You can’t ignore the fact that she’s had one problem after the other and there’s no point in trying to kid ourselves about it or “justify” it in any way like some people would do by saying, “Oh, He’s just testing me,” or something like that. I mean, that was a helluva test! I personally would be pretty fucking pissed if I were dragged that close to death and scared shitless along the way, and I sure was when I thought that was exactly what was happening a couple of years ago. I felt like something was teasing me with life and death and I was like, will you just kill me already if you’re going to?!

She advised me to tell Dr. A, saying it’s something you either have or you don’t… even if you work out. Yeah, I know, but is it what Dad had or could any of it be from smoking? I wonder this and I asked her to let me know when she gets the chance, and how she knew it was time to call the paramedics. I just wonder what her symptoms were. I’m guessing chest pain and trouble breathing but look at me two years ago. I thought I was having a heart attack and needed to call them. Instead, I ended up costing us a few hundred bucks all for nothing. Better to be safe than sorry, but I’d really rather not repeat this mistake.

I intend to tell Dr. A, as I do keep her up to date on the family (what’s left of it), but I’m not worried about myself right now, even if I know no one’s invincible. It’s just that with the way medication and I don’t usually get along, I’d rather die younger than take medication that’s either going to make me think it’s going to kill me or maybe even wish that it would.

Her flowers should arrive tomorrow. We ordered 20 purple flowers in a purple vase since purple is her favorite color. Cost a ridiculous $71, but she deserves it and I know she’ll love it.

The good news is that I haven’t been dizzy or fatigued since Friday. The bad is that it’s been noisy the last few days, as usual. The typical landscaping, traffic and project annoyances. Yesterday it was door-slamming day. Today was hammering day.

Walked outdoors yesterday evening, said hello to Geri along the way, and will probably do the same tonight. I did an office walk. I call each route a different name, depending on where in the park I go and how long I feel like walking. A duck walk is the shortest route we take. Then there’s an office walk, an RV walk, and a perimeter walk. My hip joints have been doing great. I walked for 30 minutes and my HR peaked at 149.

Despite my best efforts at working out and portion control, I’m the fattest I’ve ever been. I now usually wake up at 153-154. I’m sure the 140s are a definite thing of the past by now as me losing 5 pounds is like a young person losing 50. It’s just not going to happen. So I guess in my 30s I could still lose weight. In my 40s I could maintain it. In my 50s I probably won’t be able to stop gaining. I know I’m going to crash into the 160s sooner or later. The question is how high will it go before I die? 160s? 180s? 200? Higher?

I sure have been doing a lot of driving in my dreams lately. I was driving Tom and I somewhere, only the wheel was on the other side like in England. Suddenly, the seat was too far back and my feet could barely reach the pedals. I stopped the car and Tom got out. Then he came around to my side, sure that he could solve the problem simply by placing a wad of Kleenex under my foot.

I might have been mistaken in saying Tammy had a heart attack when in fact she was very close to having one. Either way, it’s a serious matter. Sarah updated me today and said she’s doing well and they caught the two blocked arteries before it could turn into a massive heart attack, but they haven’t put the stents in yet.

I also might be mistaken in assuming it’s what Dad had. According to my research, it could be because she smokes, but we may never know for sure. It’s probably a combination of both.

Tom’s abscessed tooth is infected again and I’m wondering how much time he’s got left before he’s going to have no choice but to deal with dentists despite his phobia. He would opt to be knocked out and have everything done at once.

Rachel suggested I could have leaky gut, something Tom and I never heard of till she shared a link about it. I do seem to have many of the symptoms, but I’m not worried about it right now.

I’ve had two wonderful days without lightheadedness or fatigue, but wouldn’t be surprised if it didn’t last much longer than a week or so if even that.

There is a white pickup and a white van working on something at the Twenties today (probably exterminators) and annoying me by slamming doors. I still don’t understand why people don’t just leave their vehicle doors open if they know they’re going to be going in and out of them. Of course one of them is parked alongside our carport, too.

We headed to the clubhouse last Sunday and were surprised to find both parking lots in front and at the side deserted. So was the pool. That pretty much told us something… that the water was chilly, and it was. We still took a quick dip anyway, and the sun felt so good, too.

On our way there, we exchanged hellos with Jon who was seeing some woman off.

“I always want to call him Mr. Twenties when I see him,” I said to Tom.

“Aren’t you glad I didn’t say, hi Z-man,” Tom said.

LOL, their network handle is that.

Last night I dreamed I was driving a car that got stranded at an intersection. I didn’t have my phone and I tried to wave down the two female cops that passed me, but they didn’t see me. I rolled down my window and asked the guy who walked by if he had a phone and could call for help. At first he didn’t seem interested in helping me and actually seemed annoyed. Just as I was about to cuss him out, he pulled a phone out of his pocket and called for help.

Then I had another dream where it snowed here. A lot. :(

Started off my day with some very sad and scary news. I’d just gotten up. It was a little after 11pm and I saw I had a VM. My first thought is Tammy when I see I have VMs since I don’t use my phone that often. But since we recently talked I hoped it might be Stacey if it wasn’t a wrong number. Well, it was Tammy only I couldn’t understand a single word she said. It sounded totally under water, but I could tell by her tone that something was wrong.

So I called her back to learn that she suffered a heart attack and is in the hospital. :( It’s been going on for a while, too. They misdiagnosed her, telling her she had pneumonia when all this time it was really massive fluid building up around her heart and lungs. Had they done a chest x-ray, they’d have caught it right away. She’s extremely lucky she didn’t have a massive heart attack. Otherwise, she’s not the least bit lucky. She said something about realizing she was in trouble at 4am and calling the paramedics. I don’t know what her symptoms were but I guess she might have had trouble breathing. Anyway, having a medical background, she knew she was in trouble just by what the paramedics were doing.

She also said something about them putting in a stent due to arterial blockage and that tomorrow she’ll be in surgery for 11-12 hours to drain all the fluid and I’m not sure what else. Open-heart surgery is also a possibility later on.

Basically, it’s the same shit that Dad had and that Larry probably would have had if his liver hadn’t killed him first and that will probably come for me too, eventually.

As we agreed, I contacted the girls and Norma and asked that they leave updates on the feed.

For now, all we can do is wait and hope for the best. We feel hopeful that she’ll pull through not only because she’s a pretty damn tough woman, but because they didn’t do emergency surgery right away. OMG, though. I thought something was picking on my health.

I had no warnings in my dreams. The only dream I had that she was in was at a restaurant. Mom and Dad drove me to meet her, a couple of other people, and Lisa, at a restaurant. Only Lisa was young again, like 9 or 10. Dad was asking me something about what I wanted to eat on the way there. I said something like, “Well, since I recently had that huge chicken dinner you got me, maybe just a few pieces of chicken would be good.”

She can’t be too out of it, though, cuz she just checked into Facebook and my blog as well. Norma and Becky responded to my messages but not Sarah. Wait! Sarah just said she’s doing great, they caught the two blocked arteries in time, and she should be home by Tuesday. That’s a relief to hear!

There I was worried that Bill’s spirit may come after me. I don’t think anyone’s spirit, if they really exist, went after her. Again, if the dead could affect the living, then people wouldn’t suffer nearly as much as they do. Bill couldn’t fuck her up any more than Dad could’ve prevented this if they were out there somewhere. But is there a God that could have? I guess we’ll never know.

It dampens my trust in doctors even more. So often do they misdiagnose people that it’s kinda scary.

This is the kind of thing that makes me want to lash out at Alison for not being there for me, and also go running to Stacey. For now, I’m not going to do anything but wait… and hope…

Tom’s taking a nap now. I had a headache around my eyes and placed a warm cloth over them for a few minutes. These seemed to help relieve the pressure. My vision is getting shittier and shittier.

Back to Aly… yeah, I wanted to blast the bitch, but I’m determined not to waste time on those that don’t give a shit about me. She sure blasted me in my dreams last night and Tom wouldn’t even defend me. I guess she was our neighbor. I accidentally received some torn mail of hers and she accused me of reading her mail when I went to give it to her. She went off on me while Tom just stood there never saying a word. He would probably act that way for real. He never was good at defending me. Just others. I never could figure that out either. As loving, helpful and supportive as he is, he rarely defends me to others, but he sure is quick to defend and make excuses for anyone I bitch about.

As for Stacey… I want to go running to her, yes, but I don’t want to run to her every time something bad happens, and I don’t want to jeopardize a chance of a possible friendship with her no matter how slim or even non-existent those chances may be. At the same time, I realize that as long as I’m seeing her every now and then it doesn’t matter if it’s in her office, here, her place, a store or a restaurant. I’m still hoping I won’t need her as a therapist, and therefore I don’t expect to ever see her again. I’ll probably still call at some point, even if I probably shouldn’t bother.

So after Alison took a break from Twitter for 5 days, she checks in to follow somebody and then changes her link. Kim did the same thing a day or two earlier. Why the fuck did she ask me to resend my message to her if she knew she was just going to run and hide? I am definitely now as over her as one can get. I don’t need the drama. I don’t need the games. I don’t need the lies. I definitely don’t need to associate with anyone connected to someone like Kim and probably still Molly as well.

Molly’s got to be viewing me under radar. I can’t believe she would suddenly lose interest in me just because I’m not connected to Alison anymore.

But if they were going to hide on Twitter, so was I, and no I’m not going to hunt their latest account down either. I didn’t have any followers they could trace me through, so there’s no way they could find my newest and final account.

So that pretty much sums it up… We’re done. A hundred percent totally done. Where I worried I wouldn’t be smart enough to ignore her if she ever contacted me in the future, there’s certainly nothing to worry about now. I won’t be too nice and too forgiving which basically means being too stupid. I will simply do the smart thing and ignore her.

If I were really smart Stacey would never hear from me again unless I needed her as a therapist. I’m not stupid. I know the so-called rules on me be it happenstance or fate. I know that despite the obvious signs that were there saying that she likes me as well, there’s no way she’s going to be my friend. I’m sure she’s “thought about it” and has decided to remain as professional as ever. Meanwhile, I’m welcome to see her at the office, just like she said, but I really shouldn’t bother trying or hoping for anything more than that.

If she does like me as much as I suspect she might, does she think of me as much as I think of her? If I’ve told a few people about her, has she told anyone about me? I still doubt she’s as into me as I am into her or else she wouldn’t be able to resist checking up on me online, including my blog. Maybe she has and isn’t admitting it, though I can’t believe she’d kid me about something like that. There’s more that suggests she likes me than that suggests she doesn’t, but will she ever act on it? If she does like me but would rather see me at her office than anywhere else, I wish I could know that. I’d see her every few months now that I know she wouldn’t mind, and Tom even suggested this if I ran into trouble again in the future. I just wish I knew what she was thinking in order to plan my next move… maybe. Again, what’s the point?

Today is the best I’ve felt in days. It’s wonderful to have my energy back! I finished the housecleaning and had plenty of energy left over. I definitely have to stop breaking up with the Flintstones. I can still feel fatigued at times even on vitamins, but I think they really did make more of a difference than I realized before I stopped taking them.

I don’t even feel light-headed. The lightheadedness and dizziness seem to go hand-in-hand for some reason. Not knowing how long my energy will last; I’m definitely going to make the most of it. This means we will probably be going swimming this afternoon regardless of any brats that may be there that aren’t supposed to be after 1pm.

Part of why I feel so much perkier may be that I slept so much better last night. I almost always wake up several times, but I didn’t last night. Perhaps that’s because I indulged in lorazepam before bed for the first time in a while. This was due to having trouble sleeping.

Blood pressure was 122/77 yesterday and I didn’t have a fever, even though it is possible to have an infection without a fever. When my back molar got infected that the county quack pulled, I had pain but no fever.

Got some more energy-boosting foods like apples, peach parfait cups, and spinach, but thanks to Rachel, I was reminded that some of those foods block thyroid hormones, so I have to go easy on certain foods. Especially with labs just 10 days away.

I haven’t been writing much because I’ve been feeling so shitty. I almost called Tammy to bitch about it, but she has her own problems. It’s getting to be more and more of a struggle for me to keep up with my daily activities. I have to stop and take breaks a lot, even when there’s so much work to be done. It’s all the more reason I want to slap those that bash homemakers. It is a huge HUGE job as there is always so, so much work, even when there are just two of you.

I feel like my health is going down the drain fast and I don’t know what the hell to do about it. I have labs in a couple of weeks, then I see Dr. A after that, but I don’t know if she’s going to be able to help me or not. No matter how much sleep I get, I’m horribly run down. I’m dizzy, I’m warm, I’m feverish, and sometimes my heart races and I have the runs. Well, not totally the runs but kind of in between, as gross as it sounds.

Same thing happened today. I was tired and dizzy as usual, but I also felt warm and flustered with an HR between 110-116. Also felt a bit weak and winded, but then I hit the toilet and I felt a little better afterward. Still a little run down and lightheaded, but a little better.

I just wish I knew what the hell was causing this. We’re still leaning towards a combination of perimenopause, PMS and allergies. I wondered if my high BP could be a factor, but there have been times when it’s been low and I still felt dizzy, and then there’s been times when it’s been high and I didn’t feel dizzy. We’ve ruled out an infection as being likely since some days are better than others, and infections simply don’t take a day off. I just hope it’s nothing serious. I know I have to die someday anyway, but I would still prefer another 20 or 30 years of life.

My upper BP was 158 two days ago, but it was 134 yesterday, and that’s the lowest it’s been since we started monitoring it.

“You’re stronger than you think and more capable than you know,” she told me. Funny cuz I don’t always feel that way. I just miss having an overabundance of energy. I feel more tired now with my thyroid treated than before I was diagnosed. My stomach is still a little iffy, too. I keep hoping that someday I will get better and there won’t be one thing after another. I also remind myself that this is better than the killer anxiety that I was having, and while that may be true, suffering is still suffering. So why compare when bad is bad?

Believe it or not, I kind of miss my treadmill so I did a few minutes on that which is basically all I could do at the moment. If I can ever get my energy back maybe I’ll mix it up and do 15 minutes on the Bowflex, 15 minutes on the treadmill, and then 15 more on the skier.

Tom has been working overtime like crazy. Some hotshots are going through the place now. Really wish that job would let him work normal hours because I’m tired of being alone so much, even if I might not be much fun to be around. Not many of us are pleasant when we’re not feeling all that great.

Again I restarted my vitamins, but don’t know how much good it’s going to do me. Anything I can think of to try to help myself, I’m going to do it. I’m willing to do almost anything at this point. I looked up energy-boosting foods. The thing is that I already eat some of them. But I can always add the sweet potatoes and the spinach, right?

Yesterday I felt worse in the morning than in the afternoon, though I never really felt much better until the end of my day. That’s when I took a Benadryl to see if it would help. I’m not sure if it’s made much difference but my ear is less achy. I took it before bed because it always knocks me out. It didn’t help me to sleep sounder, though. I still woke up a lot. The only problem with Benadryl is that it can cause you to sleep forever. I slept on and off for something like 10 hours when I usually need about 8.

Despite not feeling great, I did some more reorganizing around here yesterday. This time I concentrated mostly on the hutch drawers and cabinets.

Cappy was pretty funny the other day when Burke was out and about. Burke walked up to his cage where they went nose-to-nose. Cappy tried to grab him when he got close enough and it was funny because it looked like he was throwing a punch at him.

Had a dream Stacey was driving us somewhere. Although I don’t know what it was she said, I laughed and said, “You sound like a psychologist.”

Hmm… mean anything? I don’t want to get my hopes up because I haven’t been very psychic lately in my sleep. I’ve gotten win notices that never panned out in my dreams, and I never had nightmares warning me about Tammy’s last allergy attack, both uncharacteristic of me.

I exited a cab in another dream and walked into a pizza parlor. I ordered a pizza and the guy said they were out of the veggies I wanted it topped with so he substituted it with other veggies. He asked if that was ok and I said, “I hope so. The pizza’s for my niece, not for me.” Then I realized I’d left my keys in the cab.

Where yesterday was Tammy’s birthday, today’s her anniversary. Mark told us that August was a romantic month for him. Well, it’s certainly been a fun month for me with some rather interesting revelations. :-)

Despite all the fun, it hasn’t been without some annoyances. The water is off yet AGAIN from 8-4 today, though they were late in turning it off. All these water outages are just fucking ridiculous. The park may not be responsible for the poor installation that was done when the park was built in the ‘70s, but the fact that it hasn’t been fixed yet is pretty pathetic. So between that and all the landscaping noise, I wish we could move at times, but I just don’t know where we could go that would be any better, or even if we could afford to move right now.

My top BP number was 138 yesterday. Much better than the 150s and 160s, but I still worry that my “white coat hypertension” may have taken off its coat.

I’m carrying enough water to look like I could win Miss Beach Whale 2016, but don’t have enough estrogen to trigger a period. At least not yet anyway.

As for that kick-ass immune system of mine that even kills what it’s not supposed to? Well, Tom and I are both coming down with colds. Shall I go on with the fatigue, lightheadedness and achy ear? I woke up with a sore throat and while that much is a little better, my head still feels funny. Sort of like it’s under pressure or something.

Still enjoying the skier, but I wish it had a wider stride. I don’t have long legs, but I’m pretty flexible. I don’t think I’ll do much working out today, though, because of how I feel. I’m seriously getting tired of being so rundown so often. I feel like the old lady that I’m not at times. I used to have an abundance of energy almost all the time. Now I’m lucky if I have good energy just half of the time. :(

Wished Tammy a happy birthday, then got on with the usual mix of work and lightheadedness. Today and yesterday haven’t been as bad as Sunday was. Just gotta accept that this may be the way I am now and adapt. Part of adapting means I just keep on chugging along and living my life. I hope the dizzies go away for good someday, but maybe they won’t. That’s why I gotta learn to function with it or else I’ll just lay around and get nothing done. I hate lying around for too long anyway. I’m too restless. I think that’s why I could never stand to sit out in the sun long enough to tan, even though all I do is burn and get sun poisoning. I like to move and to be doing things. Just sitting for hours, even with a good book, just isn’t me.

Normal BP doesn’t seem to be me anymore either. The top number was 158 yesterday. :(

Another thing I gotta get used to is this ear. I don’t know why it’s been driving me crazy more often these last few months, but even with regular oiling, it still aches half the time. Makes me wonder what the point of having doctors is if I’m still going to be in pain and be dizzy.

I’m pretty fed up with this fucking park. AGAIN they’re going to turn our water off tomorrow for up to 8 hours. As I told Tom, I can’t deal with this shit for another 8 years or so until you retire. We gotta start looking for another place. I don’t know that we can find a place much quieter, but it would be nice if we could get situated where there wasn’t so much traffic, especially that ran alongside the bedrooms.

I’ve heard the usual annoyances… a woodchipper off in the distance and landscaping. I don’t understand the constant tree-cutting that goes on here. I’ve lived in two other states that also had a generous amount of trees yet people weren’t sawing the shit out of them like crazy. I’ve heard more saws in the 9 years we’ve been in this state than in my entire life combined.

So far I’ve worked out and cleaned the master bedroom and bath. I edited my last book, but have been slacking off on my current one. Gotta get on with that soon.

Played with Burke a bit, too. Never thought he would be so much fun! He explored, took a mini nap under the footrest, and then we played before I sent him home with a treat. At that time I let him pick what he wants directly from the container that I hold out to him. So cute!

It hasn’t even been a week since I saw Stacey and I already miss her. While the mystery and the surprise may be fun, sometimes I wish I knew exactly what was on her mind. While her body language and some of the things she said certainly suggest a mutual liking, there were a couple of things that made me wonder. The way she hesitated after I said, “You don’t think so?” after she said she thought it was a shame that I thought I was fat and ugly. Did she not want to agree with me so that I wouldn’t get the wrong idea about her? Or did I just put her on the spot? That’s the one thing I wish I hadn’t said either way.

She also asked me if I would be okay with it if I didn’t get what I was looking for. Was this a test to make sure I wasn’t overly desperate? Or did she sense that I like her and know we would never really meet and therefore want to know that I wouldn’t be too upset by it?

Hey, I don’t expect to meet either way. I’m still a pessimist and I’m still going by past experience. There’s only one thing that’s ever happened with a woman that I really liked and wanted for either a friendship or something more… nothing. Why would I think that at half a century Stacey would change that?