Started off my day with some very sad and scary news. I’d just gotten up. It was a little after 11pm and I saw I had a VM. My first thought is Tammy when I see I have VMs since I don’t use my phone that often. But since we recently talked I hoped it might be Stacey if it wasn’t a wrong number. Well, it was Tammy only I couldn’t understand a single word she said. It sounded totally under water, but I could tell by her tone that something was wrong.

So I called her back to learn that she suffered a heart attack and is in the hospital. :( It’s been going on for a while, too. They misdiagnosed her, telling her she had pneumonia when all this time it was really massive fluid building up around her heart and lungs. Had they done a chest x-ray, they’d have caught it right away. She’s extremely lucky she didn’t have a massive heart attack. Otherwise, she’s not the least bit lucky. She said something about realizing she was in trouble at 4am and calling the paramedics. I don’t know what her symptoms were but I guess she might have had trouble breathing. Anyway, having a medical background, she knew she was in trouble just by what the paramedics were doing.

She also said something about them putting in a stent due to arterial blockage and that tomorrow she’ll be in surgery for 11-12 hours to drain all the fluid and I’m not sure what else. Open-heart surgery is also a possibility later on.

Basically, it’s the same shit that Dad had and that Larry probably would have had if his liver hadn’t killed him first and that will probably come for me too, eventually.

As we agreed, I contacted the girls and Norma and asked that they leave updates on the feed.

For now, all we can do is wait and hope for the best. We feel hopeful that she’ll pull through not only because she’s a pretty damn tough woman, but because they didn’t do emergency surgery right away. OMG, though. I thought something was picking on my health.

I had no warnings in my dreams. The only dream I had that she was in was at a restaurant. Mom and Dad drove me to meet her, a couple of other people, and Lisa, at a restaurant. Only Lisa was young again, like 9 or 10. Dad was asking me something about what I wanted to eat on the way there. I said something like, “Well, since I recently had that huge chicken dinner you got me, maybe just a few pieces of chicken would be good.”

She can’t be too out of it, though, cuz she just checked into Facebook and my blog as well. Norma and Becky responded to my messages but not Sarah. Wait! Sarah just said she’s doing great, they caught the two blocked arteries in time, and she should be home by Tuesday. That’s a relief to hear!

There I was worried that Bill’s spirit may come after me. I don’t think anyone’s spirit, if they really exist, went after her. Again, if the dead could affect the living, then people wouldn’t suffer nearly as much as they do. Bill couldn’t fuck her up any more than Dad could’ve prevented this if they were out there somewhere. But is there a God that could have? I guess we’ll never know.

It dampens my trust in doctors even more. So often do they misdiagnose people that it’s kinda scary.

This is the kind of thing that makes me want to lash out at Alison for not being there for me, and also go running to Stacey. For now, I’m not going to do anything but wait… and hope…

Tom’s taking a nap now. I had a headache around my eyes and placed a warm cloth over them for a few minutes. These seemed to help relieve the pressure. My vision is getting shittier and shittier.

Back to Aly… yeah, I wanted to blast the bitch, but I’m determined not to waste time on those that don’t give a shit about me. She sure blasted me in my dreams last night and Tom wouldn’t even defend me. I guess she was our neighbor. I accidentally received some torn mail of hers and she accused me of reading her mail when I went to give it to her. She went off on me while Tom just stood there never saying a word. He would probably act that way for real. He never was good at defending me. Just others. I never could figure that out either. As loving, helpful and supportive as he is, he rarely defends me to others, but he sure is quick to defend and make excuses for anyone I bitch about.

As for Stacey… I want to go running to her, yes, but I don’t want to run to her every time something bad happens, and I don’t want to jeopardize a chance of a possible friendship with her no matter how slim or even non-existent those chances may be. At the same time, I realize that as long as I’m seeing her every now and then it doesn’t matter if it’s in her office, here, her place, a store or a restaurant. I’m still hoping I won’t need her as a therapist, and therefore I don’t expect to ever see her again. I’ll probably still call at some point, even if I probably shouldn’t bother.