FedEx brought me a surprise win today. It’s amazing how many of them just show up without warning. It was a box containing $20 worth of various rice dishes and seasonings. I don’t think either of us will care for most of it, but the rice pudding sure is good. He doesn’t like rice, but I do.

The upgrading went easier than we thought it would because he was able to save my cookies, but it did knock out all my fields and we’ve had to spend hours reloading software which I’ve had to reconfigure and all that. I still don’t have all the programs I typically use here yet.

Last night Tom had me give him a hard-on, and once again I was like, what are we doing this for? What’s the point? And for the millionth time, how can one stand to build themselves up, then not allow themselves any release?

We’re supposedly going to “continue on” with screwing but when? Personally, I’m really sick of this shit. I’m sick of the whole damn subject and I can’t believe he still finds any humor in these games. I mean, what are we going to do? Have sex we don’t really enjoy? I couldn’t get into it any more than he could, but my reasons would be totally different. I understand his fears of impregnating me and I appreciate his keeping the sheets clean, but it’s still rather weird having a partner who simply does not respond to you. Even though he wants to be the way he is, I just can’t believe any human being could stand to sacrifice himself the way he does. I mean, wouldn’t it be the same as being unbelievably thirsty with nothing around to drink? How he does it is amazing. I don’t get it, though, because even if I were as fertile as a rabbit, all he has to do is pull out. Nonetheless, it’s not just an age thing or us being together so long that would make it a challenge for me to get off with him, but his own refusal to do that as well. I’ve done my time with the one-sided sex. That’s gotten really old for me. If I were to have sex again, I would want the impossible, something I’ve always been forbidden from experiencing, and that’s someone I lust for who lusts for me back. Someone I can have mutual sex with where we both please each other. With him, I feel more like a robot just mechanically going through the motions for nothing but a half-assed attempt at what people call sex. For something that feels good in a back or foot massage kind of way. It just seems like such a waste of time. Maybe I should feign pain every time if not just come out and say hey, I don’t want to do this. It’s that simple. I have no desire to do this, period.

I accidentally stumbled upon a couple of private messages awaiting me at OLS. I didn’t even know I had them as I seldom go to the forums. One message was a bit cold. The first one was from the administrator telling me not to submit any more sweeps because I had recently tried to submit sweeps that generate spam. Then I got another one from the senior editor threatening to ban me if I tried to submit anymore.

Now how the hell was I to know these sweeps would generate spam? And why the all-or-nothing attitude? Can’t they just take down the sweeps they don’t want posted and leave it at that? Why ban someone altogether from submitting? That’s supposed to be part of what they pay for. It’s okay, though, because I have no desire to submit anymore. I just wanted to see what it was like is all. It’s not like I stumble upon them all the time anyway, and if I did, I’d want to keep it from them to lower the competition.

I really think they were just hassling me because of all the complaints I sent when they were shutting down at night. They constantly pull shit like this on me. They remove my posts unless they’re posts made on older sweeps, they took my username off their little birthday calendar, and God knows what else they’ve done. If they want to be such assholes, fine, but they better not fuck with my membership! Some people get so damn upset over the silliest things. All this fuss over me innocently posting sweeps I couldn’t possibly know would generate spam. Makes me wonder if they’ll let me renew my membership next October. If they don’t, they’ll surely get hell from me then! Meanwhile, don’t they know they already have sweeps that generate plenty of spam, along with contests that don’t deliver the prizes?

I lost my top retainer wire this afternoon. So let me guess – the sudden cavity craze and shifting of my teeth, thanks to the crazy blacks who wouldn’t let me have my removable retainers for a while, was my punishment for the braces, right? Then the broken tooth and jaw-popping were my punishment for the wires, correct?

Yes, we really do pay for not only the sins of our forefathers but for the sins of those not related to us and the sins we make by thinking we’re helping ourselves. So now I have to pay with ear and teeth problems for the rest of my life because of what I and others did thinking we were making a difference for the better. As a 10-year-old kid in Boston, I had no say in the matter, but when I agreed to have braces and ear surgery in Phoenix, I truly believed I was helping myself. They needed to do the ear surgery to see if I had a tumor. I had no idea just how much it would piss off God and be seen as a sin in His eyes for altering the way He created me to be. But there’s no doubt in my mind that the troubles I’ve had are His way of saying, “Look, if I wanted you to have an ear frame, an ear canal and straight teeth, I’d have given them to you in the first place!” And again I have to wonder, just what kind of a good God does this? What kind of God is this that people worship? Just His cursing women with labor pains all because of something Eve did should be enough to raise red flags in people’s minds, let alone period pains and other shit. What kind of a God does this??? To say that God favors man over woman is the understatement of the century. I mean, it’s so, so obvious what with all the shit they go through compared to men. He’s been anything but kind to women in general, and for the most part, He’s been anything but kind to me. He decided from the moment I was born that I should live in pain and endure all kinds of abuse and suffering. Yet people think He loves everybody?!?! Great way to show it! Well, I haven’t worn braces or retainers in years and now the top wire is gone. I hope the bottom one goes soon too, even though I think it’s too late to call off the “punishment.” The deed’s already been done and so I’m not going to stop paying for it just because it’s gone. I will never ever again do anything to myself that isn’t medically necessary short of cutting and polishing my nails or cutting and dying my hair. Never! I say that if a person has procedures like breast enlargements or in-vitro, they’re crazy! And you can also end up paying tenfold for things you shouldn’t. For example, because I cost the sickos $40 when they tried to have me served, God made sure they cost me thousands.

I don’t even try to lose weight, though I do try not to gain anymore. It’s hard enough just trying to stay 20 pounds overweight, so why would I bother to try to lose it? Most women would kill for my tits and hips. They’re about 39” around! Either way, I’ll gladly stay where I’m at, and right now that’s around 123 pounds.

I’m just glad the top wire is gone. I thought something wasn’t quite right with it over the last week or so. It seemed to have moved a bit. Then when I woke up today, it was clearly moveable. Tom looked in and saw that it had disconnected from one side. A few hours later the thing that had been living in my mouth for 4½ years finally fell out.

Tom thinks I lost the wire because of the tooth that broke. He thinks that once enough of the tooth broke, the anchor tooth that was next to it began to shift towards the gap, putting stress on the wire and eventually breaking the epoxy. Either way, whatever the cause, I know it was part of my punishment for trying to straighten the damn things. Well, now the top teeth are free to get as crooked as God would like since I don’t seem to have much say when it comes to my life and body anyway, even though Tom doesn’t think they’ll shift at all. We’ll see. I’m just glad it’s gone. I don’t know why, but I feel a strange sense of relief. There’s a bit of epoxy left on the anchor teeth, but fortunately, they don’t have any sharp edges to irritate me.

I got really worried there that we’d be forced to spend our time and money on a dentist. It’s as if something was teasing me with having money for shopping and money to save to make my California dream a reality. Who knows, though? None of my past non-material dreams came true, so perhaps this one won’t either. One can only do what they can possibly do to achieve something, but it doesn’t mean that they will in the end. I have no problem with going to a dentist eventually for the usual cleaning and shit like that, but I want to do it when I say so and not when cruel fate says so.

I had to laugh at Tom earlier because he didn’t even know I had a bottom wire. He thought I only had one up top. I said the same thing I said to him when he said he didn’t know I’ve dreamt of living in California all my life – where the hell have you been?! And these wires were supposed to last all my life? That was a long life for the top one!

You know all those guys who died of heart attacks from using Viagra? Well, I totally believe that was God’s way of saying, “Hey, if I wanted you guys to have inflatables, I’d have given them to you!” I can see non-medical aids or talk therapy, though I don’t see how a flat-chested woman, for example, could talk herself into jumping out to a 40D, as funny as it may sound. Nonetheless, I’d be flapping my trap 24/7 before I took pills, and if I were fertile I’d never take the pill. I’d make Tom control himself instead. I always thought the responsibility should mostly be on the guy anyway. If it were the woman’s job to give her eggs to the guy, then I’d say it should mostly fall upon her, but since it’s the guy that has to do the giving, he should be the one to contain his stuff, and not give it to the lady in the first place if he/they don’t want kids.

Tom slept in my bed but arose after just a few hours of sleep and several hours before I crashed. He was hungry, so he got up, ate and worked on the upgrade. He stood up all the way till late this afternoon.

Now that it’s almost 10 PM, maybe our local attention-getters will shut up out there with the damn stereos so I can work on my story since weekend sweeps are quick and easy.

It seems we may warm up earlier this year. I just found the third spider in the bathroom so I guess they’re waking up. It’s going to be cold and snowy tomorrow, but then it’s to warm back up. It was the warmest day so far this year at 54º. The local attention-getters let me know it, too. Now that they can stand to sit in their cars, they’re sitting there leaving them blasting. The day I have to spend a fortune on gas just for recognition is the day I know I need some serious help!

I didn’t actually see the car that was blasting its bass, but it may’ve been a couple of chicks who came to check out next door and parked on the other side of the house. I hope to hell they don’t move in there!

After being here for nearly two years, 75º is now a bit warm to me, so I don’t know if 82º will still be my favorite temperature. I still don’t like to let it get under 70º in here. Talk about having mixed emotions about summer coming! I want the warmth and the savings, but not the noise and spooky spiders!

Anyway, not wanting to wait for when we go to a department store, I taped all the gaps I could visually see and feel drafts coming from in the bathroom, the spot the spiders mostly show up in. I don’t know how good of a job I did, but I think I should’ve done this long ago if only for insulation purposes.

Tom said he heard squealing this morning and thought Tinkerbell got out and got stuck somewhere till he realized it was coming from the front of the house. He looked out to find two skunks getting it on. He said they were really loud and sounded a lot like rats. He said they were really pretty, too. I agree. If we could afford it and had the space, I’d get a variety of taxidermy animals. I’d get a skunk, a raccoon, a fox, a coyote and a wolf. Along with the squirrel, I’m definitely going to get at some point and maybe even a mouse, too.

Of the toys I just got, the tongue is the best. It really looks and feels like a real tongue is lapping at you. It’s made of silicone and I can see how those silicone dolls would feel realistic. I should’ve gotten just the tongue. If that was the case I could be ordering the Cher wig today, but I’m still $79 in debt, so I’ll order it in two weeks. The multi-purpose massager is okay, but it’s a little awkward to use the lotion applicator because the thing is so heavy and bulky. Hopefully, the scalp massager will help speed up my hair growth. It grows much slower in cold climates. The other two things I got don’t seem like they’ll be very fun, but the tongue is definitely great. It even has a plug for a transformer so you don’t have to deal with batteries. This old house lacks plugs as much as it lacks space, though. Anyway, I hate to say it, but as much as I love Tom dearly and always will, I’d rather just close my eyes, envision Kate, and let the tongue work its magic. I still say only the best sex can be achieved on my own. I also still say I was never meant to experience great sex with someone I totally lusted over. Great mutual sex, that is. Instead, it’s always been one-sided where one of us was always more into it than the other. Besides, even if Tom and I had a great sex life, sometimes I get horny when he’s asleep or working and I need to be able to take care of myself at such times.

We went to the store today and now he’s asleep in my bed. He told me yesterday he wanted to sleep in there, and although I didn’t say anything, I thought to myself, whatever for? You know we’re never going to want to get it on so what’s the point? Why do “friends” need to sleep together? Anyway, he told me to kick him out if he gets too noisy when I want to go to bed.

And what was the point of putting new screens on this place with all the gaps between them and the window casings? The house’s tilting threw everything off so nothing’s square or flush in any way. Tom’s going to get a foam you spray in to seal the gaps.

I’ve got to ease up on the ab crunches cuz it bulks me out if I do too much. Overdoing it causes muscles to build up and push the outer layer of fat out, even more, making me look all the more gutsy and bloated.

My vibes say the house next door is going to rent soon. I just hope that if they drop the rent a bit they don’t also drop the no-pets-allowed rule, too. It would be unbelievably noisy in here if they did! Any kids that end up over there will be bad enough with the way they’ll live in the yard and not in the house till October. The no-pets rule may’ve also been a factor in what’s kept it empty for so long on top of the ridiculous price they’re asking for such a dump. Once they realize this, they may be tempted to not only lower the rent but drop the no-pets policy too, which means I’ll have to deal with it.

Over the weekend Tom’s going to be doing a major upgrade of all our computers. The main thing with my two is that they’ll be faster and will have more space. The only sucky thing is that it’ll delete all my cookies and fields and I’ll have to start all over again with that.

I still have no desire to get it on with Tom. I feel certain it’s a combination of things like age, how long we’ve been together, the fact that we’ve been “just friends” for so long, his own lack of desire, and knowing we’d only get it on a few times if we did so in the first place just to drop it indefinitely. Also, while I’m mighty glad he can stand to keep from cumming and keep the sheets clean, it still feels weird with me being the “man” in that I’m the only one to get off if I could ever cum again by him in the first place. It always puts a person in an awkward position when their partner doesn’t really want to participate and has sex for them rather than with them. That’s the way I’d want it to be for the most part, however, if we both got up the desire because I’m a little selfish sexually and because I don’t want a kid.

Tom pointed out yesterday as we were walking back from the store that the so-called “parking lot” that I thought was on the property of the house diagonally across from us is actually a street where the houses across from us park. I was surprised. From here it looks like it’s on that one lot. So I’m still doomed for that inevitable barking when someone moves in. I’ll just try to be glad it could never be as close or as loud as the shit of a dog we had to live with on Shasta. God, I hope whoever moved in there gave her hell about the dog and TV and made her life total hell! Anyway, it will still be bad enough as it will be close enough to be plenty audible.

I won another song from Napster which I never received the redemption code for, and a book I’m sure I won’t want, so I’ll add it to my yard sale pile.

Tom’s been checking out the housing situation in Sacramento. He still hasn’t found out if they have trailer parks that don’t allow dogs or kids. With my shit luck, they all allow everything and anything. The laws vary from state to state as far as places that don’t allow dogs and kids, so I’ll just have to hope California isn’t so black and white. Society tends to be so all or nothing. I think we should have all kinds of neighborhoods. Sure it’s okay to have anything-goes neighborhoods, but what’s wrong with groups, too? The old folks have their own places, the Indians and Mormons do too, so why not the childless couples? Why not singles? Why not singles with kids?

The good news is that most of the houses are nice there with two-car garages. The bad is that they’re around a grand or more a month. Even the payments for just the space in a trailer park might be what this tiny dump rents for.

What’s going to be different for the better about our next move is that it’s going to be on our terms. We’re the ones who are going to be willing to sacrifice in order to gain in the end and not be forced to do so by someone else. We may’ve hated Phoenix and Maricopa and we may’ve been ready to go, but we were still run out of there by circumstances beyond our control. So much for having free will Mary believes in! We definitely did not ask for what we got.

I still worry that no matter what state we live in, rural simply isn’t meant to be. I wouldn’t have gotten kicked out of it as many times as I have if it were. The last thing I want to do is struggle for something that isn’t meant to be. Whatever it is we decide to do in the end, I just hope it doesn’t turn out to be a big mistake and the disaster Maricopa and Bly Mountain turned out to be! For now, I’m just going to enjoy having extra money because I know it’s only a matter of time before hard times fall upon us again, and God knows how long we’ll be broke next time around.

Since I don’t think we can buy as ideal of a place as possible till he’s at least 55 anyway, it would actually be nicer if we could just skip rural and all its hardships altogether and just head straight for a retirement community from the trailer, assuming we really do get one and if they’d let me in being under 55.

I wonder, am I destined to spend my whole life trying to “get home?” Is my whole life going to be trying to find a place where we can live in peace and not have to deal with all the fucking dogs and car stereos no one’s obviously going to do anything about?

We went and got me some more used books after he got out of work, then we hit Jan’s store for a couple of bucks worth of my old favorites. Jan had some interesting things to tell us, too. She not only still agrees that Incense Galore’s service is abominable, but apparently Bob went to jail and she was told that they didn’t know when he’d be out. I told her to try Save on Scents.

Jan gave us a pen with her new website address on it. She’s closing the storefront soon.

Got a letter from Mary with much of the same old, same old. You know – “God is good, we have free will” – that kind of thing. I tried to tell her that we don’t have as much free will as we’d like to think we do. What if I suddenly wanted to be tall and blond? Would I have the “free will” to be just that? Hardly! I also reminded her that she’s not where she is right now by free will, but because she has no choice.

As for Him not making mistakes – well then what do you call Him allowing a woman to conceive a child she later kills because the evil voices in her head told her to? A job well done? If He didn’t make a mistake, then He sure as hell allowed one to be made!

I think that whether or not I was pro-choice or pro-life, adoption would be extremely hard for me (Mary mentioned the two of her three surviving kids who were adopted). I have nothing against those who adopt out their children, not that Mary had much choice, but for me, it would be hard because I’d always be wondering if it were being abused. If I wasn’t smart enough to prevent an unwanted pregnancy, assuming I was fertile in the first place, I’d either abort it early on or just keep it and deal with the hardships it’d bring which would basically mean giving up my life, selling all my breakables and giving up the things I love to do and want to do in the future. I have no problem with late-term abortions being illegal because by then you should’ve pretty much figured out whether or not you’re serious about keeping it or not. She’s very lucky she knew the couple who adopted her kids. Most people haven’t a clue as to who’s getting their kids.

Tom and I were just talking the other day about what may happen to us after we die. There are so many damn theories on that one that I don’t know what to believe and I guess we’ll never know for sure till we die, but anyway, he doesn’t think there’s a heaven or a hell. He doesn’t see how there could be because nothing’s ever all bad and nothing’s ever all good either. He explained this to me by saying that if I died, while that may be a terrible thing, a cake is still good, and a movie is still entertaining to watch. That’s just life – good and bad – and it’s the good that makes the bad noticeable and the bad that makes the good noticeable.

Tom and I were also talking about how we wanted to die when our time is up, and he came up with a very interesting and unusual way to go that would be way cool. He said he’d like to fly into space and just cruise and cruise till the end came. Meanwhile, there’d be more food than he’d ever need onboard, plus deadly pills to take if he got to suffering in the end.

The survey endeavor turned out to be a bust, not that this surprised me. You know I’m not allowed to make money! At least I can win or sell things. Tom thinks I should try to focus my spells on them and says that that may be where my ticket energy went. I’ll try, but I don’t think it’ll work. God has been one hell of a stickler for the no-making-money rule He put on me. It’s what’s connected to me not being able to hold a schedule. He knows I’d at least get a part-time job where there were fewer people I’d have to deal with if I could hold a schedule.

How I wish I could not only keep a day schedule, but love noise as well! If I could change two things about myself, those would be it. I’d be on days every day and if I didn’t love noise, then I at least wouldn’t mind it. Then it wouldn’t matter where we lived. All we’d have to focus on then would be what we lived in and not where it was.

We got me some Chinese yesterday. It was pretty good but not as good as the other Chinese place where Jane worked.

It’s slowing down again so much at work that he’s cut back on his overtime, though he says there are more orders scheduled for the spring and that the overtime will pick up again then. I just worry they’ll close their doors forever and let everyone go. Tom may be right in saying we couldn’t possibly end up in the horrible predicament we were in thanks to when the bank fired him, but I’d prefer for him to quit when he’s ready to, just like I’d prefer for us to move when we’re ready to and not because some loud, rude, obnoxious assholes come to drive us out of here. His getting laid off from AMEX, fired from BOA, then us nearly losing everything has really put a security complex on me where I get paranoid that we’re going to end up homeless and starving all over again. And I fear that next time we’ll actually lose all our shit too, and not just come really close.

All I know is that if these people end up deliberately, knowingly and intentionally fucking him over, I’m going after them. I promised myself that after the black sickos got away with more shit than I could ever remember, I would never let anyone go unpunished again for fucking me over, and I don’t mean fucking me over by burning a burger I may order in a restaurant. I mean really fucking me over! That’s just the thing, though. If they do fuck him over, God’s going to be right there ready to protect them from us, so as I told Tom, he oughta start doing his homework now just in case and find out where they live and whatever other information he can. If God supposedly knows it all, then I would think that He would be well aware of the fact that sooner or later I’m not only going to be able to fight back, but I will fight back, and I won’t give a damn about the consequences either!

If we ever do lose all our stuff then I could never see myself buying dolls again or anything like that. I’d buy only things we needed and that you use rather than keep, like incense. Just not cones! Getting these cones was a total waste of money because I can’t keep the damn things lit.

Tom said the other two rentals in the area have been rented out, but amazingly, next door’s still for rent. I’d be absolutely flabbergasted if it didn’t go sometime in May.

Just when I thought my spontaneous spotting couldn’t get any more spontaneous, it does. My flow is still regular enough, but I hate the erratic spotting I get so many days before my period! It used to be that I had at least two weeks of the month where I knew I wouldn’t bleed. I would only spot once I got down to two weeks before my period, and when I was really lucky, just 5 days. As if that isn’t annoying enough, here I am spotting a whole 17 days before my next flow! I have sudden bloating for no apparent reason quite often and I wonder if there’s a connection. I gained a couple of pounds over the last two days too, and I don’t know why.

As for my ear – same old shit. Sometimes it’s tolerable, other times it’s annoying as hell. The only new thing it seems to do lately is that the area where the ear and nose are connected has been draining. I feel it slip down the back of my nose and into my throat.

I got my cones yesterday. They don’t burn as long as the sticks do, but they’re neater in that the ashes are more confined. They maintain their cone shape. Dipping the cones is easier than dipping the sticks, but I’m definitely going to return to sticks. Meaning, I’m going to order them already dipped. I’ll still use the burner and warmer at times, too. I’ll also order some doll covers eventually to protect some of them from the residue. They have clear plastic bag coverings I could use for dolls with glittery gowns that are hard to wash.

I also got the makeup I won a couple of months ago. It was so-so. There were a few lip liner pencils, which I don’t care for, a few eyeliner pencils, a couple of lipsticks, makeup remover, and a pencil sharpener.

I was surprised with another Mary letter yesterday, though I assured her I wouldn’t take it personally or anything if time lapsed in between her letters. I know that’s just the way she is and that she tends to write in chunks.

Got a bum win yesterday, though Tom could use it. I got an affidavit to sign for a $50 certificate at a sporting memorabilia store. Tom can always order himself shirts or something. At least they didn’t want this one notarized.

I also won a song from Napster, but we had to install their software first. The paysites aren’t like file-sharing sites where you can just download and play songs. You gotta have their software. I learned a new Spanish song in less than half an hour, but it was a simple song anyway.

To say that taking a week off from the Claritin renewed its kick is an understatement! I haven’t been eating much at all, but still have enough calories to maintain my weight. What’s important is that I’m saving us money and not struggling to keep my weight from climbing uncontrollably.

Great. Now there are two dogs living across the street. I’m amazed they’re even kept indoors. I just hope they don’t toss them outside to live when it warms up. They’ll be at the side of the house barking at those who walk by and that’d be totally obnoxious to have to deal with. There are at least two people who are home all day over there. One comes out to smoke every so often. They’re our typical home-all-the-time neighbors.

I finally got a letter from Mary. She’s just been busy, she says, talking about God like she loves to do, meeting with chaplains. In other words, she’s drowning in all kinds of religious hogwash in order to survive. Perhaps freedom will snap her out of it, although I wouldn’t expect her to have much in the way of freedom when she’s released. Especially not if she’s going to be on intensive probation. She hasn’t exactly been too clear on that, but I have a feeling she herself doesn’t even know what the hell’s going on. That’s just the system for you; it keeps those who are naïve to it in the dark whenever possible.

I’m still enjoying having Ashley around. I glance at her in shocked disbelief from time to time. I’m glad I didn’t have to settle or pay $400 or more for one that wasn’t nearly as nice. I’ll take pictures of me standing next to her when I dye my hair for Paula and Mary, though as I told Mary, no pictures till she’s out of jail. This grocery store is more like a convenience store, so it has a shitty selection of things, including dyes. I’ll have to wait till we can go to a department store or something to get the dye I want. I have coupons for two boxes. I think I’ll get one in blue-black and one in either dark red or burgundy.

Was that Beverly I just saw driving by? It looked like her car. Wouldn’t surprise me if it was in such a tiny town. This is a main drag, too.

I still can’t figure out what’s going on with the house diagonally across from us. It still appears empty, yet the cars keep coming and going in the little parking lot they’ve got towards the back side of it. The 3 rentals in the area, including the one next door, are still set at $800. I still can’t believe we’ve lived here just over 6 months now and next door’s still empty! I’d be way surprised if it were still empty by May.

No more scary occurrences since the rent mix-up. And it would be easier to get evicted from here than the duplex, since this place isn’t as noisy (and I seem to have a harder time getting out of the noisier places), although the dog across the canal has been at it more often lately and getting on my nerves to the point where I had to bring the sound machine out here for when I’m not drowning the fucking thing out with music. Anyway, no more scares, though I’m often paranoid. I don’t know if I’m going to find a summons waiting for me because someone broke into the black sicko’s place and decided I should be the one to take the fall for it or what. But I remind myself that I won’t fall for it.

I decided to put all the Barbies and Tonners I want towards the end of my list and concentrate on everything else first. For the last win Tom owed me I was going to have him get me a Barbie and a Tonner that are on sale, but I decided to get those vibrators instead. They’ll be ordered this Friday. Then I’ll pay that off with my weekly $50 and any bonus money we end up with for saving on groceries/utilities, which will be around $200. Then I’ll save for that awesome Cher wig. It looks so cool! It’s on sale right now and would be just under $50 with shipping.

I may not bother ordering bras and undies, since we should be able to get to a department store sometime this summer. Tom wants to get a tandem bike, so that way we could both go and be able to get back with a few bags, too.

We are starting to suspect that not only is the popping in my ear canal related to the pressure that goes with being in such a high elevation but is also related to when it’s both cold and cloudy here. Of course that’s 90% of the damn year, so we may have no choice but to get out of here if not this fall, then hopefully by the next. No problem. I don’t mind. Oregon can kick me out all it wants. This state may have a few good points, but other than that I hate it! It’s noon and it’s 19º out there! Still, it does seem that when the barometer falls and it gets stormy, my ear acts up. The only thing I’m not looking forward to in California is the noise and whatever new medical problems I acquire down there. You know how it is – gotta have problems everywhere I go. I had colds all the time in New England, couldn’t breathe in Phoenix, couldn’t stop sneezing in Maricopa, and am feeling like my head’s in a vice here, so perhaps I’ll develop arthritis down there. That is if my teeth don’t all fall out first! It’s true, even though I know it sounds funny as I try to add humor to the things that aren’t so cool in life.

At 3:15 yesterday afternoon, the mannequin dream became a reality. Ashley’s way nicer than I thought she’d be!!! This is so cool too, because you know there’s always the chance that when you see something in person you’ve anticipated for so long that it may not be as nice as you thought and hoped it would be. Her legs are a bit long and spindly, she’s a bit pale, and her feet aren’t so great, but she’s beautiful just the same. Her legs look bigger from the sides. Her calves are bigger than mine, but my thighs are bigger. Most of the budget mannequins don’t have faces nearly as nice as these high-enders do. They definitely didn’t make the faces so gorgeous back when I first wanted a mannequin and I am so, so glad I didn’t get one back then just to pay twice as much for something not nearly as nice. She just seems so unbelievably tall! Especially since she’s so skinny. I thought I’d come up to her chin, but I’m barely to her shoulders. She’s actually 6’ tall because she’s up on her toes. I’m amazed her inseam is only 29”. She’s skinnier than me, but bigger at the same time. Her shoulders are wider and her hands are bigger. Her feet, however, are quite narrow.

Another thing that’s better than I expected is the seams. I really thought the shoulder joints and other seams would be more visible, but they’re actually pretty tight. Not that I have a problem with it, but they’re full of shit when they say she’s fiberglass. She’s plastic. At least that’s what she seems to be made of, but this is what makes her so lightweight and much cheaper. Most mannequins weigh about 40 pounds, but I think this one is 25 pounds. How these things survive stores what with the way kids are so damn unruly is beyond me!

Because this rat isn’t bad with chewing, I moved Ashley out of the bedroom and into the living room. Right now she’s wearing a black bra with colored sequins and a matching G-string. I put a necklace and a bracelet on her, too. Some of her fingers are separated so she can wear rings, but the only ring I own right now is my wedding band. I’m just not the jewelry fanatic most women are.

It’s hard to believe this thing is cheaper than some of my porcelain dolls, but a lot more work goes into making porcelains as opposed to mannequins.

Her fingernails were a dull coral color, so I re-polished them in metallic pink. I’ll leave her dark red toes as they are because they’re going to eventually be covered by black pumps. Or at least mostly covered with strappy sandals.

The blond wig looks ok on her, but the coppery one looks better. It matches her eyebrows and goes better with her overall coloring. I’ve never seen such quality wigs. They did such a good job at making the part look like there’s skin on the scalp and not a net.

I’d say the sculpture is as realistic as the Playboys. They even did a good job on her belly button. Although her ears are pierced, I see no reason to put earrings on her because the hair would only cover them. She’s so tall that I had to use the step stool just to put on the wig!

Tom and I joked that if we both died and the owner or handyman came in to remove our stuff, they would certainly be like, “What the hell?” I sure do have a wide variety of dolls now! Everything from Barbie to Playboys, from Tonners to porcelains, and now a mannequin.

Now that I’ve seen Ashley, I’ve decided that rather than get two more standing mannequins, I’d like to have just one more sitting one, and I’ve already got one picked out! Her name is Rebecca and she’s another high-ender, so she’ll cost $250 with shipping. I’m so excited about getting her that if getting her meant I could never get any other dolls ever again, that’d be just fine with me! I’m estimating I can get her sometime in June. She comes with an 18” stool and measures 33-24-35. She sits up at 4’ 6”, almost my height. She appears to have dark hazel eyes like Ashley, though they may be a bit lighter and bluish. Just like they did with Ashley, it looks like they did an excellent makeup job on her. Her lips are red like Ashley’s and I sort of wish they were pink, but I guess red is more popular. The eyelashes aren’t as phony-looking as I thought they’d be either. Ashley came wearing a little foam mask to protect them, and her body parts were in bubble bags that were buried in foam-packing pellets.

I’ll probably put Rebecca in the bedroom. I wouldn’t want the rat to be able to get to her because she’d jump up on her lap and chew her clothes, that little devil!

Anyway, if this thing looks as realistic as it does, then I can just imagine how truly realistic those silicone dolls would look! That, however, will be forever just a dream unless I ever win big money. Like 50 grand or so after taxes. It’s one thing to pay $250 for something that could last a lifetime, but another to pay 7 grand for something that’ll last just 5-10 years.

I’ve readjusted my shopping list so that if we end up broke within the next year, I can at least get the things I want most. I’ve got the Barbies and Tonners towards the end of my list so if I get them, great. But if not, that’s fine, too. For now, I’m just going to concentrate on a couple of pairs of shoes and wigs so that the mannequins can have 4 different hair colors, blond, copper, red and black. Then I want to try incense from a site that orders from Incense Galore and says they have no problem with them in their testimonials. They have some of my favorites, as well as a $7 coyote face. I’d prefer an entire taxidermy animal like a fox or a coyote, but they’re too expensive and not a high priority. I also want to eventually get Seasons 2 & 3 of Charlie’s Angels, bras, undies, a few clothing items from a catalog we’ve got, and this cute yet sexy angel figurine.

Tom read a headline saying that it finally rained on Phoenix for the first time in 143 days. I hope some of that rain has some very poisonous fumes in it and settles upon a few houses in particular!

They did find the rent after all, so that’s a relief for us both. It’s scary to think that if they didn’t find it and we were still broke they’d evict us by tomorrow. Most states give you a 30-day notice, but not this one.

Today’s the day! Yes, Ashley, the mannequin should be here anytime now. She better be anyway, since they never updated the site to the ‘out for delivery’ status. I hope nothing’s wrong and that this fucking snow isn’t a problem. I’ll go out and shovel the walk if it’ll ever stop. I also hope it doesn’t hinder Tom from getting groceries.

The latest snowfall is melting fast. You would think someone was up on the roof with a hose, that’s how fast it’s dripping off.

Once again we’re having to pay for other people’s mistakes. Yesterday this cock taped a note to the door saying our rent was a week late and we’d have to go in 72 hours if it wasn’t paid along with a $50 late fee. Well, Tom put the money order through their drop slot on the 1st, so they definitely got it. He thinks they cashed it but forgot to log it in their records.

We don’t need this shit! Six months of smooth sailing simply isn’t enough. Not with all the bad times we’ve had. I’m like, oh God, please don’t let things unravel now!

We can prove it if they cashed it and get the late fee back, but that’ll take a couple of months. In the meantime, we’re the ones that have to be put out by it trying to come up with the money all over again till his next check which won’t be this Friday but next Friday.

The worst-case scenario is that they lost the damn thing and we can never prove that we really did pay it, then we get a refund, but will still be out the $50 late fee. Isn’t that so like us to have to pay $50 because someone else couldn’t do their fucking job right? You can bet that one of us will personally deliver the rent in person from now on because then we’ll get a receipt.

The best-case scenario is that they find that they cashed it today when Tom calls them. That way he doesn’t have to lose overtime by going to them before they close, we don’t have to be put out, and we don’t have to pay $50 just to do it! But best-case scenarios don’t usually happen to us. I’m sure this won’t be just a simple case of bad bookkeeping. It’s scary to think that we’d be evicted by the 11th if we were broke! It’s like something’s teasing us with our stuff and with having a roof over our heads.

I got to thinking about it, and well, I don’t know about California, but Oregon has trailer parks that don’t allow dogs or kids which is important if I’m going to work at home like I do. I wouldn’t want to listen to that shit anyway. Here you can buy old trailers for around 10 grand. If we can make due in this tiny dump, then we can certainly survive in a trailer. The only negatives are that they’d be close together, cars would park between them, people would hang outside barbecuing in the nicer weather, and I may not have much singing privacy. However, the more I think about it, the more I think our best bet is to do whatever it takes to cut out of having rent or mortgages. Or at least to lower them. The peace of mind the security would give us would be tremendous. The mortgage would be just a couple hundred a month if we made a big enough down payment on a house, and so would the space we’d have to rent that the trailer sat on. We decided (unless someone comes along to fuck up our plans for us) to stick to our plans over the next 6 months, then reevaluate things in September.

I just hope this shit with the rent gets cleared up fast and that the mannequin makes it here tomorrow intact! I thought it may be coming today since it left Portland last night at 10:30, but it doesn’t say it’s out for delivery.

I got Paula’s letter, but still nothing from Mary. I guess she’s either too busy spending all her time, stamps and envelopes on José, or perhaps I said something to hurt her fragile, sensitive, eggshell feelings. Whatever the case is, I don’t care.

I got woken up today by sirens. For such a small town, this place sure has a lot of sirens wailing by. Is it just a cock-n-badge thing? You know, pigs showing off their so-called Godly status? I just hope it isn’t hell here during the summer. I doubt it could get as bad as the duplex was, but it might get bad enough. Especially when we want to open windows to keep from suffocating in here.

I’m trying not to pay attention to news headlines because it only serves as a reminder of just how twisted and senseless people are. The contradicting fools bitch about the world being too overpopulated and how people don’t die as fast as they’re born (we hit a landmark of 6.5 billion people worldwide which really sucks because the earth can only support so many people), yet they won’t even let this poor 12-year-old rape victim in Mexico have an abortion. So first she has the trauma of being raped, then she has to go through the trauma of not being able to do what’s best for herself because of other people’s beliefs. Lastly, thanks to these religious nuts, she has to then suffer both physically and mentally on account of the rape, pregnancy and birth.

How I hate the world and the people in it! The only law they should be passing is one that says: Let others be who/what they are and mind your own damn business!

Fortunately, these cruel laws/lack of laws don’t affect me, but I still have to live with other shit people do. I don’t see why I should have to deal with it just because Joe Shmoe didn’t feel he got enough attention growing up and therefore has to annoy everyone he drives by with his stereo for acknowledgment of his existence, but I guess it’s better than having my body be a slave to the government. I would feel so, so enslaved if I was that girl! I’ve been controlled enough in life so I know how it feels to be made to live in captivity and to be forced to be a piece of clay that others are free to mold and shape according to whatever their hearts desire, and it’s an awful feeling!

We’re starting to wonder if my ear problem might be related to a combination of the cold and the elevation. It seems to be worse when it’s colder. Well, whether or not there’s a connection or if it’s just a lifelong curse for getting the canal I was never meant to have that I’ll have to live with no matter what, I’m all for moving to a warm climate, but understandably, I’ve got my concerns about it. What if we end up a few feet away from blacks and Mexicans who see my Jewish face and decide to pick on me for no reason at all and get me thrown in jail for reacting to their abuse? It’s just that I know I’ll kill them if they do. Not fighting back in the past only added to the degradation I’ve felt over the years, and there’s just no way I could just sit back and take it after all I’ve been through with so many people shitting on me over so many years. The only difference would be that anyone who killed me would get away with it and have God’s automatic protection, whereas I’d get life in prison for killing anyone. That’s okay, it’d be worth it, not that I wouldn’t kill myself as soon as I was sentenced. Just like they were once willing to die for me had they known that fucking with me meant I’d shoot them or something, I’m now willing to die for them.

But I’d rather not have to in the first place, and that’s just the thing; how much potential for trouble is there going back to a city overrun with blacks and Mexies and the trouble they cause? How much danger would I be putting us in? I’ve never really had a dream come true before, so I don’t know if having a dream granted means I’ve got to have some nasty catch attached to it. I don’t know what new medical problems I’ll acquire down there, and I will acquire them. I always do when I move. It’s a tough decision. There are pros and cons to staying and there are pros and cons to going. For now, we’re going to just see where the money stands this fall. I think we will eventually go since life is about taking risks and chances. Besides, if it gets that bad since we’re not destined to settle down in peace and seclusion, we know how to move. We’ve had lots of practice. I doubt we’ll go this year, though.

All I know is that we’re not about to live with anyone again! In a house we may get car doors/stereos, screaming, barking and ball-bouncing, but we eliminate the door slamming, cabinets, stomping, inner stereos and TVs we’d get if we were attached to others. There’s no way I can work in chaos, so we’ve got to be able to know we can go straight to a house from the motels, then get out of the heart of the city within a few months. I’ll just be damned if we’ll be connected to anyone again. If I didn’t come here to live with others, I certainly ain’t going there to live with others either! Meanwhile, we agreed not to push it and deprive ourselves of too much along the way. We’ve both been looking so forward to having extra money for so long. Whenever we do go, no matter what we’ve bought by then, we’re going to be poor for years. If the wrong people move in around here between now and the fall, however, then that’ll up my motivation, naturally.

Here’s a list of pros/cons to Oregon vs. California, though some potential pros/cons can’t possibly be known to us. Tom thinks there’ll be more money in California, for example, but he could be wrong and we could end up being the poor, struggling folks we’ve spent most of our adult lives being.

Oregon cons:
Cold/snow
No insurance
No store variety
Ear pressure related to elevation?

Oregon pros:
Mostly white
Drinkable water
Breathable
Quieter
Good money for now

California cons:
Potential trouble from freeloaders
Noisy
Can’t know what new medical problems I’d acquire

California pros:
Warmer
Palms
Store variety
More money?
Insurance

We did get more snow, but it’s going away fast. We’re going to be in for yet even more, unfortunately. It’s to be cold and with a chance of snow all week. We’re still months away from any real warmth.

Paula called and said that while she knows it’s no excuse, she’s been too lazy to write, but does have the letter with the rat stamp on its way to me. She said she’s so used to me sending letters regularly and she knew she wouldn’t get anymore till she wrote, so she got on herself to write. So her punishment is officially over. No more silent treatment. I’ll write her back as soon as I get the letter.

From what she tells me, she spends her time chasing guys and getting in trouble. Oh, the sins that kid of hers will have to pay for! I totally believe that, too. I’ve often wondered why Tom and I were always made to pay for our sins as well as other people’s and not just other people’s, and the best guess I can come up with as to why that is is because God knows there won’t be any offspring to take our mistakes out on.

Anyway, she wasn’t clear as to what trouble she got in. All I could gather was that it was over her car. She said she got caught driving it without a license and so she didn’t go to court. Yet she must have gone at some point because now she’s on probation for 6 months. The ditz is still driving and says she’s going to say she’s someone else if she gets stopped. That’ll do her good! Especially since they’ve got her prints and photos on file and all the pigs know her.

She said she got a call from her oldest son Robert for the first time last month. He’s about to turn 18 and I guess the poor kid’s been shuffled from one foster home to another all his life. I’d bet anything that just like his brother, he’s going to basically be a misfit in society on disability and or in jail.

Sure enough, Tom’s guitar-playing coworker was so mad to hear about the second guitar I won. Especially since he met Neal McCoy. He used to be a security guard at the little entertainment center downtown where we can see the lights at night from here, and that’s how he met him. Being the typical cock that he is, he’d like us to give him the guitar for free because I didn’t “pay” for it. As Tom pointed out, though, yes I did pay for it. I paid for it through many hours of making one entry after another.

While I may be allowed to win/sell things, I’m still not allowed to make money. All I’ve been getting is a few scattered survey invitations to be entered into drawings or to earn points. We’re going to get a refund back soon. It was a total waste of money.

Speaking of money, since his job doesn’t look promising, he guesses we’ll leave the state anytime between this October to October of ‘08. I guess it’ll all come down to what God wants more for me – to freeze my ass off or listen to other people’s bullshit. I could do both if the wrong people move in around here, but our lease is up and we’ll have the money to move, so this is good to know. Unless we find a good deal or get run out of here, I guess we’ll just stay put till we can leave. I don’t know what the greenhouse I saw meant, if anything at all, or why I didn’t see the U-Haul of the future come to take us to California parked out front. Perhaps it’s because it’s still too far in the future?

The best news is that the mannequin is no longer just a dream! She’s on her way and is due to be delivered on Friday. I still can’t believe it.

I also ordered 1000 cones and a few ounces of Patchouli, Pink Sugar and Jasmine, some of my favorites.

There are a couple of sites I found that have awesome wigs. It usually costs $100 or more to get a longhaired wig yet one site has a 40” Cher wig for $60 that I just have to get at some point! She’s coming with a free blond wig without bangs that are just below the shoulders. I also added a coppery-colored, shoulder-length wig with bangs. My goal is to have a variety of styles, lengths and colors as long as the wig’s no shorter than shoulder-length or gray! It’d be nice to have blond, copper, red and black. I guess the copper wig could be described more as golden brown.

Another way cool surprise win! I won another electric guitar! This one is a Copley. I couldn’t believe it! Two guitars in 10 months! This one’s not worth as much as the other at $220, but it’s signed by country singer Neal McCoy. I’m not familiar with him, but Tom’s going to decide which guitar he wants to keep so we can sell the other one. He thinks he may keep this one because the other one’s worth way more. He says his guitar fanatic of a coworker is really going to be envious now!

I surprised him with it. FedEx came at 2:00 with it and I hid all the packing material in the bedroom. Then I put the guitar by his computer. When he came home and went to turn on the computer, he asked, “What’s my guitar doing out?” That was when he realized it was a different color!

Although I have no desire for musical instruments these days, it’s a great feeling to get back at least some of what the queen made us lose by not helping us in our time of need, seeing that we had to sell my two acoustics. It would’ve been cool if this one had been an acoustic since we already have an electric and even cooler if I could win a trombone because that’s Tom’s favorite instrument.

We just don’t know when or where we’re going to sell things because we don’t know how long we’ll be in this damn state. I don’t know what to think of my vibes anymore or even what my vibes are. I’m just not as psychic up here as I was down in Arizona. Just maybe we will leave the state at the end of this year. Who knows? I can’t imagine God letting me out of here after just two winters, but he prefers me to be where it’s noisiest, so why not? I just don’t think we could get the money together before the year’s out.

Tom says the potential to make a fortune at work is still there, but it’s not looking at all promising. It’s just too hard to motivate people who don’t need money, and it’s not like it’s something he can do on his own. So without their cooperation, there’s just no way.

Since the snow is finally all gone, I’m sure we’ll get more dumped on us soon.