I got Paula’s letter, but still nothing from Mary. I guess she’s either too busy spending all her time, stamps and envelopes on José, or perhaps I said something to hurt her fragile, sensitive, eggshell feelings. Whatever the case is, I don’t care.

I got woken up today by sirens. For such a small town, this place sure has a lot of sirens wailing by. Is it just a cock-n-badge thing? You know, pigs showing off their so-called Godly status? I just hope it isn’t hell here during the summer. I doubt it could get as bad as the duplex was, but it might get bad enough. Especially when we want to open windows to keep from suffocating in here.

I’m trying not to pay attention to news headlines because it only serves as a reminder of just how twisted and senseless people are. The contradicting fools bitch about the world being too overpopulated and how people don’t die as fast as they’re born (we hit a landmark of 6.5 billion people worldwide which really sucks because the earth can only support so many people), yet they won’t even let this poor 12-year-old rape victim in Mexico have an abortion. So first she has the trauma of being raped, then she has to go through the trauma of not being able to do what’s best for herself because of other people’s beliefs. Lastly, thanks to these religious nuts, she has to then suffer both physically and mentally on account of the rape, pregnancy and birth.

How I hate the world and the people in it! The only law they should be passing is one that says: Let others be who/what they are and mind your own damn business!

Fortunately, these cruel laws/lack of laws don’t affect me, but I still have to live with other shit people do. I don’t see why I should have to deal with it just because Joe Shmoe didn’t feel he got enough attention growing up and therefore has to annoy everyone he drives by with his stereo for acknowledgment of his existence, but I guess it’s better than having my body be a slave to the government. I would feel so, so enslaved if I was that girl! I’ve been controlled enough in life so I know how it feels to be made to live in captivity and to be forced to be a piece of clay that others are free to mold and shape according to whatever their hearts desire, and it’s an awful feeling!

We’re starting to wonder if my ear problem might be related to a combination of the cold and the elevation. It seems to be worse when it’s colder. Well, whether or not there’s a connection or if it’s just a lifelong curse for getting the canal I was never meant to have that I’ll have to live with no matter what, I’m all for moving to a warm climate, but understandably, I’ve got my concerns about it. What if we end up a few feet away from blacks and Mexicans who see my Jewish face and decide to pick on me for no reason at all and get me thrown in jail for reacting to their abuse? It’s just that I know I’ll kill them if they do. Not fighting back in the past only added to the degradation I’ve felt over the years, and there’s just no way I could just sit back and take it after all I’ve been through with so many people shitting on me over so many years. The only difference would be that anyone who killed me would get away with it and have God’s automatic protection, whereas I’d get life in prison for killing anyone. That’s okay, it’d be worth it, not that I wouldn’t kill myself as soon as I was sentenced. Just like they were once willing to die for me had they known that fucking with me meant I’d shoot them or something, I’m now willing to die for them.

But I’d rather not have to in the first place, and that’s just the thing; how much potential for trouble is there going back to a city overrun with blacks and Mexies and the trouble they cause? How much danger would I be putting us in? I’ve never really had a dream come true before, so I don’t know if having a dream granted means I’ve got to have some nasty catch attached to it. I don’t know what new medical problems I’ll acquire down there, and I will acquire them. I always do when I move. It’s a tough decision. There are pros and cons to staying and there are pros and cons to going. For now, we’re going to just see where the money stands this fall. I think we will eventually go since life is about taking risks and chances. Besides, if it gets that bad since we’re not destined to settle down in peace and seclusion, we know how to move. We’ve had lots of practice. I doubt we’ll go this year, though.

All I know is that we’re not about to live with anyone again! In a house we may get car doors/stereos, screaming, barking and ball-bouncing, but we eliminate the door slamming, cabinets, stomping, inner stereos and TVs we’d get if we were attached to others. There’s no way I can work in chaos, so we’ve got to be able to know we can go straight to a house from the motels, then get out of the heart of the city within a few months. I’ll just be damned if we’ll be connected to anyone again. If I didn’t come here to live with others, I certainly ain’t going there to live with others either! Meanwhile, we agreed not to push it and deprive ourselves of too much along the way. We’ve both been looking so forward to having extra money for so long. Whenever we do go, no matter what we’ve bought by then, we’re going to be poor for years. If the wrong people move in around here between now and the fall, however, then that’ll up my motivation, naturally.

Here’s a list of pros/cons to Oregon vs. California, though some potential pros/cons can’t possibly be known to us. Tom thinks there’ll be more money in California, for example, but he could be wrong and we could end up being the poor, struggling folks we’ve spent most of our adult lives being.

Oregon cons:
Cold/snow
No insurance
No store variety
Ear pressure related to elevation?

Oregon pros:
Mostly white
Drinkable water
Breathable
Quieter
Good money for now

California cons:
Potential trouble from freeloaders
Noisy
Can’t know what new medical problems I’d acquire

California pros:
Warmer
Palms
Store variety
More money?
Insurance