Got a letter from Mary with much of the same old, same old. You know – “God is good, we have free will” – that kind of thing. I tried to tell her that we don’t have as much free will as we’d like to think we do. What if I suddenly wanted to be tall and blond? Would I have the “free will” to be just that? Hardly! I also reminded her that she’s not where she is right now by free will, but because she has no choice.

As for Him not making mistakes – well then what do you call Him allowing a woman to conceive a child she later kills because the evil voices in her head told her to? A job well done? If He didn’t make a mistake, then He sure as hell allowed one to be made!

I think that whether or not I was pro-choice or pro-life, adoption would be extremely hard for me (Mary mentioned the two of her three surviving kids who were adopted). I have nothing against those who adopt out their children, not that Mary had much choice, but for me, it would be hard because I’d always be wondering if it were being abused. If I wasn’t smart enough to prevent an unwanted pregnancy, assuming I was fertile in the first place, I’d either abort it early on or just keep it and deal with the hardships it’d bring which would basically mean giving up my life, selling all my breakables and giving up the things I love to do and want to do in the future. I have no problem with late-term abortions being illegal because by then you should’ve pretty much figured out whether or not you’re serious about keeping it or not. She’s very lucky she knew the couple who adopted her kids. Most people haven’t a clue as to who’s getting their kids.

Tom and I were just talking the other day about what may happen to us after we die. There are so many damn theories on that one that I don’t know what to believe and I guess we’ll never know for sure till we die, but anyway, he doesn’t think there’s a heaven or a hell. He doesn’t see how there could be because nothing’s ever all bad and nothing’s ever all good either. He explained this to me by saying that if I died, while that may be a terrible thing, a cake is still good, and a movie is still entertaining to watch. That’s just life – good and bad – and it’s the good that makes the bad noticeable and the bad that makes the good noticeable.

Tom and I were also talking about how we wanted to die when our time is up, and he came up with a very interesting and unusual way to go that would be way cool. He said he’d like to fly into space and just cruise and cruise till the end came. Meanwhile, there’d be more food than he’d ever need onboard, plus deadly pills to take if he got to suffering in the end.

The survey endeavor turned out to be a bust, not that this surprised me. You know I’m not allowed to make money! At least I can win or sell things. Tom thinks I should try to focus my spells on them and says that that may be where my ticket energy went. I’ll try, but I don’t think it’ll work. God has been one hell of a stickler for the no-making-money rule He put on me. It’s what’s connected to me not being able to hold a schedule. He knows I’d at least get a part-time job where there were fewer people I’d have to deal with if I could hold a schedule.

How I wish I could not only keep a day schedule, but love noise as well! If I could change two things about myself, those would be it. I’d be on days every day and if I didn’t love noise, then I at least wouldn’t mind it. Then it wouldn’t matter where we lived. All we’d have to focus on then would be what we lived in and not where it was.

We got me some Chinese yesterday. It was pretty good but not as good as the other Chinese place where Jane worked.

It’s slowing down again so much at work that he’s cut back on his overtime, though he says there are more orders scheduled for the spring and that the overtime will pick up again then. I just worry they’ll close their doors forever and let everyone go. Tom may be right in saying we couldn’t possibly end up in the horrible predicament we were in thanks to when the bank fired him, but I’d prefer for him to quit when he’s ready to, just like I’d prefer for us to move when we’re ready to and not because some loud, rude, obnoxious assholes come to drive us out of here. His getting laid off from AMEX, fired from BOA, then us nearly losing everything has really put a security complex on me where I get paranoid that we’re going to end up homeless and starving all over again. And I fear that next time we’ll actually lose all our shit too, and not just come really close.

All I know is that if these people end up deliberately, knowingly and intentionally fucking him over, I’m going after them. I promised myself that after the black sickos got away with more shit than I could ever remember, I would never let anyone go unpunished again for fucking me over, and I don’t mean fucking me over by burning a burger I may order in a restaurant. I mean really fucking me over! That’s just the thing, though. If they do fuck him over, God’s going to be right there ready to protect them from us, so as I told Tom, he oughta start doing his homework now just in case and find out where they live and whatever other information he can. If God supposedly knows it all, then I would think that He would be well aware of the fact that sooner or later I’m not only going to be able to fight back, but I will fight back, and I won’t give a damn about the consequences either!

If we ever do lose all our stuff then I could never see myself buying dolls again or anything like that. I’d buy only things we needed and that you use rather than keep, like incense. Just not cones! Getting these cones was a total waste of money because I can’t keep the damn things lit.

Tom said the other two rentals in the area have been rented out, but amazingly, next door’s still for rent. I’d be absolutely flabbergasted if it didn’t go sometime in May.