FedEx brought me a surprise win today. It’s amazing how many of them just show up without warning. It was a box containing $20 worth of various rice dishes and seasonings. I don’t think either of us will care for most of it, but the rice pudding sure is good. He doesn’t like rice, but I do.

The upgrading went easier than we thought it would because he was able to save my cookies, but it did knock out all my fields and we’ve had to spend hours reloading software which I’ve had to reconfigure and all that. I still don’t have all the programs I typically use here yet.

Last night Tom had me give him a hard-on, and once again I was like, what are we doing this for? What’s the point? And for the millionth time, how can one stand to build themselves up, then not allow themselves any release?

We’re supposedly going to “continue on” with screwing but when? Personally, I’m really sick of this shit. I’m sick of the whole damn subject and I can’t believe he still finds any humor in these games. I mean, what are we going to do? Have sex we don’t really enjoy? I couldn’t get into it any more than he could, but my reasons would be totally different. I understand his fears of impregnating me and I appreciate his keeping the sheets clean, but it’s still rather weird having a partner who simply does not respond to you. Even though he wants to be the way he is, I just can’t believe any human being could stand to sacrifice himself the way he does. I mean, wouldn’t it be the same as being unbelievably thirsty with nothing around to drink? How he does it is amazing. I don’t get it, though, because even if I were as fertile as a rabbit, all he has to do is pull out. Nonetheless, it’s not just an age thing or us being together so long that would make it a challenge for me to get off with him, but his own refusal to do that as well. I’ve done my time with the one-sided sex. That’s gotten really old for me. If I were to have sex again, I would want the impossible, something I’ve always been forbidden from experiencing, and that’s someone I lust for who lusts for me back. Someone I can have mutual sex with where we both please each other. With him, I feel more like a robot just mechanically going through the motions for nothing but a half-assed attempt at what people call sex. For something that feels good in a back or foot massage kind of way. It just seems like such a waste of time. Maybe I should feign pain every time if not just come out and say hey, I don’t want to do this. It’s that simple. I have no desire to do this, period.

I accidentally stumbled upon a couple of private messages awaiting me at OLS. I didn’t even know I had them as I seldom go to the forums. One message was a bit cold. The first one was from the administrator telling me not to submit any more sweeps because I had recently tried to submit sweeps that generate spam. Then I got another one from the senior editor threatening to ban me if I tried to submit anymore.

Now how the hell was I to know these sweeps would generate spam? And why the all-or-nothing attitude? Can’t they just take down the sweeps they don’t want posted and leave it at that? Why ban someone altogether from submitting? That’s supposed to be part of what they pay for. It’s okay, though, because I have no desire to submit anymore. I just wanted to see what it was like is all. It’s not like I stumble upon them all the time anyway, and if I did, I’d want to keep it from them to lower the competition.

I really think they were just hassling me because of all the complaints I sent when they were shutting down at night. They constantly pull shit like this on me. They remove my posts unless they’re posts made on older sweeps, they took my username off their little birthday calendar, and God knows what else they’ve done. If they want to be such assholes, fine, but they better not fuck with my membership! Some people get so damn upset over the silliest things. All this fuss over me innocently posting sweeps I couldn’t possibly know would generate spam. Makes me wonder if they’ll let me renew my membership next October. If they don’t, they’ll surely get hell from me then! Meanwhile, don’t they know they already have sweeps that generate plenty of spam, along with contests that don’t deliver the prizes?