Fucking planes, helicopters and freeway noise. It truly never does end.

Tom did some research on different drug companies and I guess there are three. Lannett and Mylan are the ones that are “laced” with anxiety. I just hope to hell that it’s been a brand issue causing most of my anxiety and that I really am finally onto solving the mystery of why I get anxious at times.

Today I wasn’t calm but I wasn’t anxious either. I understand there are other things that could cause it. After all, I’m still half a year away from official menopause. I’m also still hot flashing at times, so if I could have that symptom of menopause, why not others like anxiety? I just hope the non-Sandoz brands were causing most of it but only time will tell. If it was, then I just gotta hope I can always get Sandoz easily enough and that they too, don’t go sprinkling anxiety in their meds as well.

I’m going back and forth in my mind between being hopeful and excited at the thought of being able to tell Dr. A when I see her about the brand issues and celebrating hitting menopause around that time, but then I’m reminded of how this sounds way too good to be true and just how unlucky I often am. Especially with this. Every time I think I’ve got it figured out, I realize I don’t have a damn clue.

I’m going to get anxious again sooner or later. I’m going to get another period. Right? :( That’s just me…horribly unlucky.

Read a thing that said abortions are at an all-time low. Could be cuz it’s becoming practically illegal but I think it’s mostly due to better BC and more women and men getting fixed. We’ve been living in career-obsessed times since the 90s and I know the birth rate has been consistently dropping. That’s why I’m surprised there are many abortion protestors. They make me sick and not just for trying to control a woman’s life/body. They just make no sense. They want her to work but not to have to take time off for the kid they said she had to have???

The pigs are so funny because they sometimes go off when they hear Tom pull in. The carport runs along the living room wall in which the cage is on so he pulls in just a few feet away.

Excited to be ordering the new guinea pig cage we’ve had our eye on for a while now that has three different sizes. We’re going to get the extra-large which will be a little longer but not quite as deep as the cage we have. Once the pigs move out, I’m sure the rats will be thrilled to have both levels of this cage since they’re climbers. They can also have fun climbing on top of the pigs’ new cage when we get it and they’re living in it. This one is going to sit right on the floor. It isn’t raised like this cage is. It’s something like 47 x 22 whereas this cage is 36 x 24. The cage we’re getting is only a couple of feet tall but this one is probably close to 6 feet tall. Or maybe about 5 feet 5 in. It’s definitely taller than me. Definitely much more suitable for rats, too.

One of the things I like about this new cage is that it’s got a higher base. The base is 7.5 in, which will make it harder for the pigs to kick things out. It comes with its own hideaway, secure dish, water bottle, and hay feeder.

Then there’s the metallic rainbow tumbler I just have to have, along with this fish sticker for the bottom of our large tub. Should go well with the fish sticker on the floor.

I was dismayed to see Aly mention Ask on her other Twitter account but then glad to see she deleted that tweet. The last thing I want is for her to encourage Molly to join. I don’t know if I could say I resent her and her mother as much as I used to but I definitely don’t want to be buddies with her either.

The weather’s gorgeous and the increase in music and motorcycles shows it, too. In the 70s today and tomorrow, then more rain moving into the area.

Back from GW and Rite Aid with a pair of pink glitter shoes, a brownie, and a pair of mini wine bottles (Rosé & Merlot).

Our space rent will soon be $895. What pisses me off is that Tom hasn’t been getting raises as the cost of living rises. Now that my health has stabilized (I hope), he can begin looking elsewhere for a job that will pay him fairly. We can at least hope, anyway. People seem to like to underpay the poor guy.

Today I’ve got great timing. I got up, ate, showered, and then I walked down to the lake to give the ducks the last of the old bread. It was beautiful out. In the low sixties and mostly sunny. On the way back to the house, at the edge of the park, I found a green plastic ball that probably came from one of the yards beyond the wall. I would have thrown it back over if I’d known which yard it came from but since I didn’t, I took it home, cleaned it up, and threw it in the playpen.

Then I opened the front and back doors to air the place out while I dusted the living room and now it’s raining. So, good timing.

My herbaWHORES are a bit screamy today because their lettuce went bad. :-( They’re being temporarily placated with tomatoes. Tom will pick up more lettuce on the way home from work which will be a little late because he has a meeting.

Okay… I’m trying not to think too positively or get my hopes up too much thinking I just may have found my ‘off’ switch after having the carpet yanked out from under me enough times in the past where the anxiety is concerned.

But brand issues do seem more plausible than the Amberen. Twice that we know of, I got anxious after a brand change. Also, one of the things that didn’t make sense about the Amberen was that I started it in June of 2016 but didn’t start having problems until December. If I was taking an off-brand anytime in 2014 or 2015, I was so fucked up anyway being in the worst of the perimenopause and the trauma of the meds shocking my system that I might not have been able to separate that particular feeling. More than likely, though, if it is a brand issue, I don’t think they ever off-branded me until the end of 2016 for some reason.

I’m hoping I can go with him the next time I need a refill. I know he can speak for me but it’s very important to me. This isn’t just a dry mouth or runny nose. It’s a horrible, HORRIBLE feeling that can make you suicidal if it gets bad enough so I would like to be there to oversee what meds I get and all that. It has to be in the bottle from the Sandoz manufacturer. It can’t be that round skinny bottle they sometimes give me that the pharmacists use. Most important are the pills themselves and what they look like. I would like to see them for myself if my schedule will let me.

If this is it then that would make the doctors both right and wrong in telling me it’s not the medication and me both right and wrong in saying yes it is. It would also be sad that I had to be the one to figure it out if I really did, but as long as somebody eventually figures it out I wouldn’t give a shit who it was. Again, trying not to get my hopes up even though that psychic side of me is telling me to jump for joy and scream with delight because this could very well be it. Hopefully, I can do just that if I can stick to this brand and stay calm until the next time I see Dr. A again. Oh, what a celebration that and officially hitting menopause would be! Yeah, I know, I know. It sounds too good to be true, right?

But again, it would explain some things. Like how I would improve when I would stop taking the off-brand. I considered a placebo effect but that sure would be one hell of a placebo effect and I’d like to think I’m not that suggestible or gullible in any way. It would also explain why I would sometimes have anxiety when he was home since the off-brand wouldn’t know when he was home or not.

Last year, after getting the round pills in January, I was bad until the summer. Did well over the summer but in late August, the anxiety returned, stopping when I went on the 50s Dr. O gave me and then back to the 75s she also would have been the one to have given me.

Seems like they could be off-branding me every other refill. But was that sticker claiming it was the same medication on any of the previous off-brands? Or maybe they felt they didn’t need to put them on because the pills looked the same? Had it not been for that sticker I might not have noticed the subtle differences in the last off-brand refill. If they’re round they’re obvious since Sandoz is oblong but whatever this last off-brand is looks similar to Sandoz unless you inspect them closely. Then you can see the off-brand has more gray than lavender and is a little shorter and fatter.

As much as I would love to be able to go six months without anxiety and a year without a period, I’m sure my shit luck will call for the carpet being yanked out from under my feet soon enough, so yeah, as promising as this one seems, I don’t want to jump the gun, get my hopes up too high, and really jinx myself.

Not remembering much in the way of dreams lately. Just another Jesse dream where we had lived with him and then moved out but our places looked different. Well, I didn’t see our place but his place was a dumpy old trailer like what we rented in real life rather than a house in which he built.

It was weird because while we lived with him I did his cleaning and laundry. So Tom and I went over to his place one day (I guess we had the key) while he was out, but after we had moved out. There were a couple of bags of laundry which I assumed Jesse expected me to wash after I cleaned up.

I asked Tom if he thought I should bother with his laundry and he said no. Don’t know if I ever did any cleaning, though. I hope not, LOL.

I slept great despite having to get up to pee twice and a couple of wake-up calls. One was a thunk that may have been someone crashing into the speedbump and another was probably that fucking Pride minibus that’s ridiculously loud. But it was so nice to be able to sleep without the pressure of feeling like I’m sleeping too long or getting up too soon! :) I slept until my body said it was time to wake up.

My hair is already growing back since cutting it not even a week ago. This doesn’t surprise me. My hair and nails grow fast.

Fucking Woody is never coming out again and I mean it this time! My God, that fucking rat just doesn’t listen! And of course he’s getting into shit when I’m busy with the other animals and he knows he can get away with it, the clever lil bastard. Spent hours working on them and keeping an eye on their activities outside of the cage that I sometimes feel more like I have children than pets. Work work work work, I swear!

But seeing the pigs happily popcorn upon stepping on their newly cleaned liner is worth the effort. LOL, I set it up, placed them down on it, and instant popcorn!

I figured out a good way to barricade the kitchen that the rats shouldn’t be able to get around but what pisses the shit out of me where Woody’s concerned is that he will absolutely not go home when told to, much less come to me. Fuzzy will always go home easier and will let me handle him. If Woody is going to take advantage of me like that and refuse to allow me to pick him up, then he doesn’t deserve the extra freedom. If he wants to act like a coward, fine, he can live like one safely behind the bars of his cage. I don’t understand how I can treat both rats so well and one responds as it should to a good pet owner and the other acts like I beat the shit out of him regularly.

Had a weak moment where I contacted Nissan from my Nicole account but that is definitely it from me unless I hear from her and I’m just about a hundred percent sure I never will. One thing I can say for sure is that the bitch probably wishes to hell she didn’t have such an unusual name, hahaha.

Tom really likes driving in economy mode depending on the time of day and the traffic. It really saves on the battery. The AC and heat don’t run as well in economy mode, though.

As I may have mentioned before, SMUD gives us a discount between midnight and 6 a.m. because we have an electric car. So thanks to Candy, we’ll save a penny and a half for every kilowatt we use.

It’s been raining today and that has been keeping it fairly quiet but I’m sure the planes will annoy me this evening.

Forgot to mention that Holly said that Dr. H talked Kathleen into staying an extra year, so she actually retired a year later than planned.

Also, when I saw Dr. A in December I told her how much I loved her hair and found it a bit strange that she wore it down the last time I saw her. I don’t believe she ever wore it down before but maybe once and I could have sworn it was back in a ponytail before I saw her. I saw her walking up and down the corridor and I’m pretty sure it was in a ponytail at that time. Did she take it down right before our appointment so I could see it better or something???

While I don’t care to be overly sociable, I miss seeing visitors on my tracker so I’m MO again. No, I don’t want Aly, Molly or anyone else from my past to peek in on me, but I don’t want them to deny me my fun either. Why let them give me “permission” as to whether or not I’m open to the fun of seeing who may come around? I may just keep only the last few days’ worth of entries visible, though, so that any unwanted visitors can’t see much.

Ended up having very mild anxiety yesterday but am fine today. I’m maybe just a little wound up but I think it’s mostly due to being so glad my appts are out of the way. Like always, I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I’m now wondering about different brands. From now on, if I can’t take my usual brand of meds, I’m not taking anything.

My perfectly pink popcorn maker pops perfectly great popcorn. Kinda sucks you can’t put oil in it since it’s silicone so I might get an oil atomizer. Definitely getting butter popcorn spray. Only tried one of the seasonings so far (butter flavor) and it’s just so-so. Will try the caramel corn later.

Dental appointment went great, though it’s not the same without Kathleen. Still not sure why a 65-year-old would ask for the number of someone she knew she wasn’t going to call but I’m kind of glad she didn’t. Holly said she stopped in a few times and has been busy with her church and grandkids. Well, I’m not religious and I’m not into kids, so what would we have in common?

They practically have a whole new staff now. Stephanie was blond and young as I saw in my vision but not plump or with shoulder-length hair.

Holly was telling me something about Bonnie working there (not sure which one that was) that worked with them 30 years ago. Doc H and Holly go that far back? Wow!

Anyway, no cavities, so no appointments till June - yes!!! I had been worried about the possibility of having to go on BP meds and having to deal with cavities this month.

Stopped at KFC on the way back. The food was so-so and the music was ridiculously loud. Is that just a Cali thing or what? Yelped them a 3-star rating.

Took my bike around the circle a couple of times to get back in riding shape on what started off as a cool wet day that became warm and sunny.

Mitch read my story The Wrong Sister and loved it. While it’s always been in a helpful way, this is the first story he didn’t find fault with.

Tom reports that Candy was nice and warm when he went to work and that the battery still has a 40-mile charge even though it’s only 12 miles from work to home.

Although calm on what’s been a surprisingly quiet day so far, I’m more lightheaded today than I have been in a while and I remembered that this happened when I went back to Sandoz the last time. Really hope it doesn’t last for 6 weeks like the last time either!

Man, Walmart’s really got to get their shit together and stop jerking me around like this. I can’t keep going back and forth between brands that seem to really turn my anxiety on, then get all light-headed when I return to my usual brand. Again, it’s supposed to be in their fucking system that I can only take Sandoz. I’d rather be lightheaded than anxious, but the lightheadedness should go away eventually.

I’ll never know, but it sure makes me wonder if perhaps the answer to my question of why the meds make me anxious sometimes but not always, could be because they’ve been switching brands on me back and forth these last few years. This really worries me too. This blatant lack of concern and incompetency frustrates and concerns me greatly. Plus, I know how obsessed the world is with change so I worry that Sandoz themselves may change how they make their medication or maybe even go out of business.

But now the problem seems to be something they’re adding to certain brands of medication that are making me anxious at times. Or that they use to make it to begin with. So maybe the doctors saying it’s not the medication is both correct and incorrect. Not saying some of this may not still be hormonal, but going through this twice that I know of and then looking back on things, it definitely makes me wonder if there could be a connection between the different brands. I’d rather take nothing at all than change brands again, but I really would prefer not to have to do that. Either way, I’ve always suspected that at least some of the anxiety was somehow connected to the medication and that it was a bit extreme for hormonal changes. Also, even though anxiety can happen to anyone any time as my doctor said, my suddenly up and becoming this way out of the blue also seems a bit unlikely.

Since I really want to go back to traditional bifocals and get rid of the “swimming” and dizzying effect of progressives, I’m hunting around on Zenni for new frames. As fat as my face is, I have a child-size face. So with a pupil distance of 53 and needing a frame width of 129 or less, it’s not easy to find a great selection. Even though these clear glasses with brown arms I’m considering are 21g and not in the low teens as I’d prefer, I would like to try something less conspicuous. I’d rather lose mid-range vision yet have everything else be clear and with a wider range within the two sections. I’m tired of how blurry progressives are and having to peer through just the right tiny little spot in the lens to see what I want to see.

Doubled up on the house cleaning that I usually spread out throughout the week because tomorrow I’m going to the dentist and then hoping I don’t have any cavities and can remain appointment-free for 3 months! I see my dermatologist and ENT In June.

Changed the pigs’ liner and put them in their playpen while I was changing it and the rats were out. Sure enough, the rats were delighted to see them. I was worried at first they would troll them but I didn’t see any trolling going on when I checked on them.

The piggies went home when they were changed and I let the rats stay out for another hour or so. Fuzzy was his usual playful, friendly self while his brother was busy trying to go places he’s not supposed to go. Bastard busted through my kitchen barricade and was trying to get in the cabinets again, and while he hasn’t bitten me, he’s anything but friendly.

They do nip playfully and like most rats, Fuzzy thinks it’s funny as hell to sneak up and nip me on the toes, so I prefer slippers or shoes when the little devil is out. So cute how I got down on the floor in front of the playpen while he was on the books on the bottom shelf of the bookcase, then he jumped off and dashed around to see me. Woody will approach me if I’m still but he won’t let me pick him up.

The two of them are getting a little more playful with each other. It used to be that Fuzzy would chase Woody and that was it. But today Woody decided to engage him in a game of Pin the Opponent and he won too, LOL.

Made 2 trips to Walmart. First to get gum, soap and caramel vodka, then to get soda, a candy bar, a lock for the car’s charging cord, and my meds. Fucking $91 for my Levo and an inhaler. When I compared these pills, which were straight from the bottle they’re manufactured in, to the pills I started a week before getting anxious again, we found they’re not quite the same.

Damn you, Walmart! Damn you, damn you, and just fucking damn you! It pisses the shit out of me when I have to suffer because others can’t do their jobs. It’s supposed to be in their fucking computer that I can only take Sandoz. So damn them for making me suffer any more than necessary!

Different doses are different colors and 75s are lavender. Whatever the other brand is they gave me is grayish and slightly shorter and fatter. There are also different things written on them which I copied onto two Post-its, one for him and one for me to carry. Sandoz has the number ‘75’ on one side and the other brand has the letter ‘M’. Plus they have different numbers and letters on the other sides.

Walmart not only has its hard liquors locked up, but someone has to walk you to the register with it. Some silly new rule they have, the guy said. Like we won tons of cash in a casino and he’s this guard protecting our winnings or something.

It seems that if there’s anything at all that may help calm my anxiety the most it’s a shot of vodka. It’s only for that reason that I got another bottle. I do like caramel, though, and for $10 it’ll last quite a while.

I even got a pair of shot glasses for just a couple of bucks yesterday when we went to Rite Aid. Plus, I got those mini Rosé and Merlot wines which they sell in pairs for three bucks, and a pink brush with “diamonds.”

Candy is great and he wishes he went electric a long time ago. He’s got the timer set for it to charge from 10 p.m. to 5 a.m. and for the temperature to be set to 72° at 5:20 am. Again, it seems so luxurious even though most modern cars have these features. Love how we can leave it unlocked because we not only don’t have anything valuable in it but we have a smart key with a chip just like the Caddy has so it can’t be hot-wired.

When the car is still at a stoplight and there’s no AC, heat or fan running, you would swear you were sitting in a car that was completely turned off, that’s how quiet it is. We’re going to charge as many things as we can between midnight and 6 a.m. because it turns out we can get a discount on electricity for having an electric car.

Took a quick walk together afterward and now we’re doing our own thing. He’s coding while I’m blogging. The weekend has been a pleasant one overall but yesterday was a bit emotional for me. Tom was very supportive and understanding, though, and I truly love him for it. I was almost bipolar, LOL. First I was anxious until the vodka set in, then I was teary-eyed as a random memory of my mother hit me. It’s actually my worst memory of her where she damn near killed me. Although it wasn’t intentional, it was definitely a blatant lack of concern on her part that nearly got me killed. I don’t know, maybe deep down she hoped I wouldn’t make it so she could have an easier life.

I was all excited to start S2 of The OA but it is nothing but confusing and boring as hell.

So Norma did comment on my haircut pic after all, and I was surprised when Mrs. Twenties “liked” it, too.

After not hearing that fucking car for the longest time in a while, it came in today. Really hope they don’t go back to coming around every day!

Just did an Amazon order to grab some strawberry Tic Tacs and other things.

Decided to get an air popper to make homemade popcorn which I miss. It’d be healthier that way when I didn’t add oil or butter. For fun, we did get a variety pack of flavored salt. Flavors include White Cheddar, Nacho Cheddar, Ranch, Butter, Kettle Corn, Caramel Corn, Bacon Cheddar, and Cheesy Jalapeno, but there’s no way in hell I’ll touch the last one.

The popcorn maker is silicone and there was a choice of 14 different colors. Of course, I got pink. :) I like yellow popcorn best so I got some yellow kernels.

Grabbed a 6-set of colorful shot glasses so I’ll have plenty between running the dishwasher and a 24-set of plastic color-changing spoons that oughta be cool.

Had a horrible dream that I was sentenced to 10 years in a group home as opposed to jail. It was still a shitty dream because even though it wasn’t jail, I was still locked in like a prisoner. I was saddened to think I wouldn’t be going home for a decade unless Tom and I figured out a way to break me out of there.

I don’t know what it was I supposedly did. Probably said or wrote something that pissed someone off which they absolutely couldn’t ignore and felt legal revenge was the solution to me hurting their feelings. Whatever it was, I knew the freeloaders were behind it somehow.

Just finished changing the cages. Work, work, work, work… But I do adore my furballs. :)

Shared a pic of my new haircut on Facebook. Sure enough, it’s always the same few people commenting. It’s something Norma would’ve reacted to or commented on in the past but she’s closer to Tammy than she’s ever been to me and I’m sure Tammy has run her mouth and turned her against me. She’d be quick to believe anything she was told whether it was true or not. That’s okay, though. I can ignore her as well and I do usually, for the same reasons I started ignoring Polly. Everything with them is race, race, race and more race. Poor, poor, always oh-so-innocent non-whites who can never do a damn thing wrong. Never play the race card and ruin lives. Never actually do anything to provoke the police into shooting them, not that I’m even remotely pro-cop. And damn that evil white man who’s to blame for everything since reverse discrimination is just a made-up thing after all and can’t possibly happen!

rolls eyes So most non-whites hate whites, most whites hate whites, and most people of all races love non-whites? LOL, seems that way.

Nonetheless, this is why I don’t follow them. Hearing how awful we are and how wonderful everyone else is gets old. For me, it isn’t whether or not the topic is accurate, silly, overrated, exaggerated or right on, but having to hear the same shit constantly drives me batty. Still waiting for the world to fixate on something else and run that subject into the ground for a good 30 or 40 years or so.

Okay, moving on from bitching about your typical race-obsessed American (although it seems to be most places nowadays), “Candy” is here and sitting pretty in the carport behind Caddy. They call its color Cheyanne red but it reminds me of candy apples. So rather than “the Nissan” or “the Caddy,” it’s just Candy and Caddy.

Candy was made in 2011 and is and isn’t as luxurious as Caddy at the same time it’s super luxurious to us. Candy doesn’t have the heated seats Caddy has, the stereo doesn’t quite sound as good, and the ride isn’t as smooth as Caddy’s. But Candy has navigation, Bluetooth, can stop instantly, has traction control, 4-wheel disc brakes, brake force distribution, voice command, climate control, and a backup camera.

It also beeps when you back it up since it’s so quiet. Candy doesn’t have the dual heating/cooling zones Caddy has or power seats but that’s nothing. Once you adjust the seat, that’s usually it and you’re set. Candy also has a thing to program the clicker like Caddy has and is so much roomier. It’s not as long as Caddy but taller and almost gives the impression of being a mini SUV. The interior is a little lighter than Caddy’s which I like and has cloth seats rather than leather.

I know most modern vehicles have these features but since we usually drove old and far from luxurious things before the Caddy, it’s still so cool to have all these fancy features. It’s weird in a cool way to watch him start Candy by simply pressing a button. Then things light up while making fancy chimes. Out of habit, he reaches for a key to turn it off, LOL, like I reach to pull 15+ inches of hair out of my shirt that isn’t there when I get dressed. Or how I expect to feel it flowing down my back when I undress.

Candy went for about 35k when new and the reason this one was closer to 7k rather than 5k is that it’s got a super awesome battery that will last long after we’re gone from this state. He’s just got to make sure he doesn’t let its range get under 15 miles without charging it. Should be able to drive it about 60 miles on one charge but he’ll probably schedule it to charge between 10pm - 5am.

We also have to be careful with its $200 charging cord. Being on the corner, we don’t want it to get stolen. So he was thinking of plugging it in inside the locked storeroom and running the cord under the door and into Candy. Our only other concern is the charging cord failing on us for some reason so we’re going to get a backup.

Don’t know yet whether or not we’re going to give up Caddy but if we do it won’t be before June because it’s insured until then.

He took an Uber to the dealership which cost $28, and just a few seconds before he Skyped me to let me know he was getting it, I knew it was a keeper. :-)

I was psyched to see that the second season of The OA is now on Netflix but so far I’m not impressed. It not only doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the first series but sure enough, right off the bat, there are references to race. :-)

Spent a few days watching a docu-series on the 2007 abduction of Madeleine McCann in Portugal.

Those poor McCanns! I never thought they were guilty. You don’t go on vacation with 7 other people to a place you’ve never been to, kill your kid (intentionally or by accident) and manage to hide the body in territory you’re unfamiliar with. I think she was either kidnapped by a lone wolf who killed her within hours, trafficked, or given to a childless person(s). I’d go with trafficked since I would think it would take two experienced people to pull it off in this particular situation. Someone would have had to have watched them round the clock to get to know their schedule and to time the abduction just right between the 20-minute checks the parents were doing. If they’re guilty of anything it’s neglect. You don’t leave little kids alone to go out and eat even if it’s only 100-200 feet away. The abductor would have had to knock Maddy out, and since I think it’d be hard for one person to get her through the window, there were probably at least 2 abductors.

The McCanns sued in the end because after the loss of their kid (as if that wasn’t bad enough) the media stalked and printed all kinds of BS on them. Kate’s private journal was published without her permission. I’d be livid! What would piss me off more than lies being spread about me like the freeloaders/media did without verifying anything first, and even the contents of my journal being visible to anyone, would be people taking credit for my work. Many publishers charge their readers. So if people were profiting from my writing without my permission, you bet I’d haul their asses to court! And if they won (as they likely would with my shit luck) they would wish to hell they hadn’t once I got done with dealing with them on my own terms.

Back from my appointment which went well and also with 15 fewer inches of hair.

As I told Dr. A, since I’m never going to have her gorgeous straight healthy hair, I’m going to get my fried curls cut off. She definitely has beautiful straight, black shiny hair with just a few gray strands being almost a decade younger. She wore it down this time.

I remembered to turn the sound off my phone which I took because I had notes to go over with her on Google Docs, but it vibed a few times while I was in with her which figures, LOL. I didn’t think of disabling that. But that’s not nearly as distracting and noticeable as ringing and other sounds.

Her medical assistant clocked my blood pressure at 134/88. Not that bad.

So I told the doctor I have good days and bad days. The best thing she told me when I asked if it was still possible that my hormones haven’t yet fully settled in because I haven’t gone a full year yet without a period was that yes, they could still be out of whack. This gives me a little hope that my anxiety will fade once I’m postmenopausal but I won’t know until I get there. I can only say that it would be a huge disappointment to get there and find I still have scattered days of anxiety. She did say anybody can get anxiety any time but I would still hate to think that something in my brain broke 5 years ago and I’m stuck with it for life. But it is a possibility I might have to face. I sure hope not but it would be just my luck, you know? It’s the good things that come to an end much more often than the bad.

I gave her a printout of the spreadsheets containing my blood pressure numbers for the last few months. She liked how organized I am and I told her that if she needs anyone to organize online notes and it doesn’t have to be done at a set time, let me know, haha.

I told her about the head pressure I feel upon standing up and she knew exactly what I was talking about and said it isn’t dangerous. Just keep hydrated and watch the sodium and cholesterol.

Well, I really hope it backs off soon as it’s super annoying.

I’m hoping unsettled hormones are why I still feel fatigued, dizzy, lightheaded, and sometimes like I’m about to sway off balance.

She checked my good ear and it looked fine.

She also said it was fine to take the 1,000 IU of vitamin D I’ve been taking and she called in refills on my levothyroxine and inhaler. Took my poison today too (I’m always going to call it that as I told her, LOL), and no anxiety. Less time alone, getting out, and breaking up my usual routine definitely helps.

What was weird was that the computer was showing a lab order for Dr. O in October. I think she was looking at last October, though. As I told her, though, I’m done with Dr. O. Meanwhile, I’ll go to the lab in September and then see her that month as well. It will also be on a Friday at 8:30 so maybe I’ll do what I did this time and jump over to the salon afterward to get my hair cut since I’ll have 3” of regrowth by then. It will be due for at least a trim then, anyway.

Decided to go today figuring there would be fewer people than on the weekend. There was only one stylist there and no other customers so she was able to tend to me right away and give me a layered bob. She evened out my bangs as well. This is going to be so much easier for me! I personally think it makes me look a little older but I don’t care. I love the ease of it. my dyed hair was fried, anyway. Between being older and dyeing it I’m never going to have the kind of hair I had 20 years ago. Plus, one does tend to get sick of the care that goes into having long hair after so many years.

On the way back, I definitely didn’t follow doctor’s orders and had plenty of sodium and cholesterol when we stopped at McDonald’s for breakfast platters. Well, I got a platter and he got a breakfast sandwich. We so seldom eat out so we deserved it. :)

Right now he is deep in the heart of Sacramento looking at a new used electric Nissan Leaf. Hopefully, we will soon be saving on gas just like we’re on our way to saving in rodent bedding.

I don’t think the fleece liners make caring for the animals easier. If anything, it’s actually more work because it has to be done every two to three days otherwise it gets stinky.

I was looking at cages especially made for guinea pigs and saw a really awesome one we may eventually get. That way the rats can enjoy both levels of this cage since they love to climb and their bodies are made to do so.

The cage I looked at seems so awesome that I will almost certainly keep it forever if I get it since I don’t want to take this big heavy mansion with us when we move. So just maybe I’ll always have rats whether we eventually get a dog or not. Don’t know for sure if we’ll get it since we’re in plenty of debt still with paying things off, medical expenses, and having to get a new car.

In fact, he just Skyped to tell me he’s getting the car! Details coming later. :)

My God, I never thought a couple of guinea pigs would be so much work. Just so much work! I realize a big part of that is because they’re in a cage not meant for guinea pigs. If they were in a cage for guinea pigs and I used regular bedding, all I would have to do is just dump it once a week.

In this setup I have to de-turd the liner on days it’s not being washed, then take it outside, dump it and shake it, then vacuum any leftover pieces of hay clinging to it before washing it, then set up the new liner which takes a few minutes to line up just right, then try not to drop hay all over the floor when I’m loading the hay holder, and then vacuum the floor. On top of all this, I have to give plenty of attention to the rats and supervise their hour of exercise. I don’t have to watch them every second but they are rodents so some supervision is necessary. They’re out there running around with the Roomba right now.

Anyway, yesterday sucked. It absolutely sucked. The only good thing about it was that I felt faint stabs of adrenaline in my chest on the second consecutive day of skipping. I don’t think I can blame most of my anxiety on the meds at this point but it may still be fueling other things that are causing me to feel anxious. I’m hoping my doctor will tell me tomorrow that yes, it’s likely that my hormones haven’t quite settled in just yet. My last-ditch effort before giving up on myself is hoping that the root cause is still hormonal and that once those are fully settled in, the meds won’t affect me in any bad way. If not, then I think I’m likely looking at a sudden anxiety disorder development, as crazy as that seems, in which case it will never go away and I’ll be faced with the decision of whether or not I think I could stand to live with it for another 20-something years or take measures to ensure that I don’t. No doctor has helped me yet, though they’ve tried, but with my sensitivity to medication, it’s looking like something up there is doing a damn good job of limiting my options and making sure I don’t get the help I need.

What sucked about yesterday was that I was exhausted, lightheaded and dealing with head pressure that was starting to go beyond just annoying. I will be addressing that with the doctor tomorrow as well and see if she can give me any tips and pointers on how to deal with it. I’m guessing a decongestant may help.

Also yesterday, we had quite a hailstorm. I don’t think I ever witnessed one as fierce. When I opened the back door, the pounding of the hail on the carport roof was deafening. For a minute I wasn’t sure if the roof was going to come down or not. There was some thunder too, and I was glad I wasn’t sleeping at the time.

This world really pisses me the fuck off and sometimes I am truly embarrassed to be part of the human race. I just want to slap people, shake them, and scream, “What the fuck were you thinking?! Wake the fuck up in this world! Just wake the fuck up already!”

Now you can’t abort a Down Syndrome baby in Arkansas. Oh, because the world needs more disabled people brought into the world to suffer, right? Not only is it wrong to tell a woman what to do with her own body and life no matter what, but this is just absolute insanity. I have suffered so much on account of a simple birth defect, yet people want to save those who will only live to suffer a million times more? WTF? If anything, you’re absolutely cruel and selfish if you knowingly bring a disabled child into the world. My parents wouldn’t have been cruel to have had me with a deformed ear but where both they and the doctors were cruel was when they tried to “fix” the way I was meant to be. I wouldn’t have suffered otherwise. Many of these fetuses they’re trying to save would, however.

I’m also tired of things being called murder that isn’t even remotely murder. But I guess that’s just the world we live in today. Everything is racist and everything is murder. Yet when a woman does get pregnant she’s often criticized for being “too old-fashioned” and not focusing on work.

Anyway, it’s only a matter of time before Roe versus Wade is overturned and abortion becomes illegal nationwide and that will be a very sad and frightening time. I would think by now women would be long past having to worry about these kinds of rights but apparently not.

The car Tom wanted has sold so now he’s considering another electric car versus another Caddy.

Aly, Kim and I now have our own cabin and we’ve got 11 days to go before NaNo starts!

I was reading around on different hormonal things and accidentally came upon something and said to myself, “So that’s what happened?”

My clit shrunk. It actually shrunk. When cleaning down there I’ve noticed that my clit has been less prominent for a while now. I thought it was because the LS deformed me but now I know that we shrink with age. I’m surprised I never heard this one before. Makes sense when I think about it because LS is like having a few zits down there. Only those zits can get awfully itchy at times and burn. I’ve been doing better in that department, though, since avoiding foods that aren’t LS-friendly.

Now what the fuck do I do for my anxiety???

Could I get two good days in a row? No, of course not. Not anxious but not as calm as yesterday. Most of all I’m tired and lightheaded. But I’ve been lightheaded when I take the medication regularly so that could be anything. I probably feel shitty due to pre-appointment jitters, just like Tom pointed out. It’s also probably why I haven’t been sleeping as well. Instead of waking up several times throughout the night, I’m waking up a few hours into my sleep and it takes a while to get back to sleep. Wish I could remember more of my dreams lately even though most of them are negative.

The rats are out now and hopefully, they won’t give me any shit. Well, Fuzzy rarely does. It’s his asshole brother.

The rats still try to bust through the latched ramp to get up to the pigs. Too bad they can’t climb a clear tube through the pigs’ place so they can at least see each other that goes on up to the top. That way they couldn’t troll or hoard.

Got to have Tom reattach part of the hay holder that came loose when I was wedging cardboard behind it. I’m no longer going to worry about hay falling out onto the floor and making a mess in that area because it’s not an area we walk through. So if there’s a pile of hay on the floor, so be it. It shouldn’t hurt Roomba.

Tom’s own ear has been needing alcohol and peroxide due to his Hearphones and I wish he would quit being a crab at times and snapping at me for no apparent reason at all. As he lay down on the bed waiting for me to dump the alcohol and peroxide mixture into his ear, I asked if he wanted a tissue. He snaps at me about asking questions and not just doing what I’m doing, and I’m sorry, but I don’t see the harm in asking if someone needs a tissue in this case. Wouldn’t that be considered kind of me?

Anyhow, he seemed to realize he was snapping at me unnecessarily and felt bad about it afterward when he was telling me that he sent an email to the car dealer about the Nissan Leaf which he’s pretty sure he wants to go check out. Still don’t know if we’ll get it but he definitely wants to see it.

Saw Bob yesterday when he was weeding in front of his place and said hello. We asked each other how we were doing and I asked about Virginia who he says is doing well.

We’ve slipped back into winter which is only good for sleeping and working out, not that I have the energy to work out today. It’s raining out there again and it’s supposed to rain Friday too, appointment day.

I’m just tired of only feeling as good as I did yesterday only once in a while and worrying about what to do about my meds. It’ll be time for a refill after the appointment so when I go to pick up my new inhaler, I will request a refill at that time in case there’s something about the way this batch was manufactured that’s fueling my anxiety. There’s no doubt that different brands can do that because I can’t believe the heightened anxiety I experienced on the other brand was a coincidence. Only this isn’t a different brand so I don’t know what to think.

Just the thought of having a group of professionals telling me I’m wrong when I insist the bulk of my anxiety is caused by the medication is both frustrating and a bit scary as well. Especially if I’m right. These are the people that are supposed to help me and make me feel better. Not tell me I’m wrong about what seems obvious to me. I’m probably not going to go four or more months without my meds, though, to really get a sense for sure either way but will probably go by how I feel instead. If I feel anxious after taking it, I’ll skip it the next day. The anxiety spells seemed to be random. I usually have weeks where it’s on and weeks where it’s off. So I won’t take my meds consistently until the spell is pretty much over with. It’s just that if I go for several months, it may be a shock to my system when I return to it and that could cause more problems. If I chose this method, though, I would slowly return and not just jump back to a full dose every single day. For now, I’ll just go by how I feel and play it by ear.

Ooh, good news! Just felt a pang of anxiety on what’s the second day of skipping in a row, probably due to my upcoming appointment. I hate appts/docs and often wish I could just give up on my health altogether. But this is a reminder that no, it’s not all from the meds. Same with the anxiety returning after I learned my last set of numbers. That was clearly due to the numbers being scary that triggered it.

If I ever decide to quit my meds, I realize I can’t stop seeing Dr. A altogether because I still need inhalers. The last thing we need is for me to have an attack bad enough to have to go to the ER or urgent care. I figure if it helps me without making me feel worse, then there’s no need not to keep up on it.

But if I quit the poison long term, then sooner or later I’m gonna have to tell her. She’s not going to think the lab simply made a mistake (unless we can go about it like last time). At that point, I’d let her know she can send me to the lab all she wants but don’t expect anything remotely close to good thyroid numbers.

Honestly, I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do. There are a number of things I could try but despite a few things that say it can’t be the medication, I’m back to thinking it is. Maybe there’s something slightly different about each batch that’s manufactured even though I’ve always heard it’s just the opposite. But maybe that’s why I can sometimes take it without being anxious. I just can’t find any kind of particular pattern. The anxiety is totally random. Where I had barely noticeable traces of anxiety the last few times I skipped, I have zero traces now. I feel great. Calm, content, and not as tired as I was earlier. I think that if I’m going to choose the play-it-by-ear method and skip when I’m anxious, I should wait until I’ve gone a day or two without a shred of anxiety before resuming this poison. I think that if it is the meds, it needs a certain amount of time to drain from my system, which makes sense with a long-acting drug.

Since the earbuds protected me from the traffic, of course I had to wake up from being too warm instead. It got pretty toasty in here but will be a bit cooler today. It’s probably why I started off tired even though Tom and I went for a quick walk before his shower this morning.

The only other thing I felt today is lightheadedness and my head feels similar to when you have a cold. Still have pressure when I stand up. Tom thinks it’s allergies. Well, Dr. A didn’t seem worried about it when I mentioned it to her.

The tilapia fish I got from Walmart is awesome, though it goes fast and isn’t very filling by itself. Great taste and consistent texture all the way through, unlike some types of fish that have tough, chewy parts that are gross. This stuff melted in my mouth like butter.

No way the pigs can do disposables. OMG, it was SO gross this morning! It looked nasty and it simply isn’t thick enough and doesn’t wick the way the fleece liners do. No problem. Back to fleece they go. So I’m going to fleece the pigs, wash the rats’ shelf daily, and use either bedding or disposables for the rats’ base.

We had to throw the dishwasher at an angle to make room for the oven door when we got the new oven, creating a small gap in which the rats could get through. I thought I had it barricaded well enough but Woody proved me wrong. Eventually, the bastard went home and then I jammed a can in that area. The thing is I can only do it when they’re out running around loose otherwise I can’t open and close the dishwasher door.

So Woody is a troublemaker and Fuzzy acts like he’s on speed. He just won’t go to bed and he is determined to copy my schedule and hang out with me as well as run around. The only problem with letting him run around is that he can’t go home on his own if I want to keep Woody home. Really starting to wish we’d only gotten Fuzzy but there is no way to know upfront how an animal is going to turn out as a pet. I would probably keep the pigs even though they’re quite a bit of work but let’s just say Woody is lucky he’s so damn cute.

I was shocked to learn that Tom’s Indian coworker (I forgot her name) has recently been bumped up to the same dose I’m at because her TSH is only a 4. Let’s hope all hell doesn’t break out for her within the next 2-8 weeks and that she’s not anything like me. I would think that would lower her TSH way too much! Initially, 50 brought me to 16, then 75 brought me to 3. So they jump her 25 mcgs to lower her just 2 points???

Just one hour ago I was thinking, okay, I’m done. Like totally, totally done. I’m quitting my meds at least for a while and I don’t mean just for a week or so.

But the anxiety I had both yesterday and today was pretty short-lived as shitty as it was so now I’m back to being unsure of what to do. I keep wanting to be able to tolerate the meds (if that’s at least part of the problem), so I stubbornly keep trying. The only weird thing is that it didn’t last nearly as long as it usually does. I felt better when he got up and I had some wine. He thinks part of why I was anxious was because it’s Monday morning but what about yesterday? Was it the candy I had? I know sugar isn’t good for me and that’s why I don’t have it very often. But still… I’m sick of this shit and the only way I can know for sure if the medication is involved at all is to not take it. Not even a 40-minute walk helped and exercise is said to be a great relief for anxiety with the way it releases endorphins. But I actually started feeling worse afterward.

At first I was telling Tom that I was going to ask Dr. A for Lorazepam and just kill myself because I’m tired of being tortured on and off and bounced around like a fucking yo-yo from calm to anxious. He said, why don’t you just quit, if that’s what you want (even though he doesn’t think it’s the meds or that I need to quit) and let the disease kill you if it’s going to instead of killing yourself now?

So I thought about it and he’s got a point. Why not just take whatever time I have left but without the medication and therefore hopefully without the anxiety? By the time this disease could kill me, if it’s going to, I would be close to the end of my life anyway. So I totally see his point there.

My only concern is weight gain and goiters but again, I don’t see that happening anytime soon. Either way, something’s going to kill me sooner or later, so since I’m not 20 years old with my whole life ahead of me, does it really matter when it kills me? There’s always both good and bad to not existing in this world no matter what age our number’s up.

I was going to just lay all my cards on the table with Dr. A but as he also said, she’s going to push me to keep taking the meds, so why get into an unnecessary confrontation if I decide to quit (and I don’t know for sure that I will)? Well, I don’t want her pushing me on anything. That’s why I really watch my cholesterol intake and make sure I take my ACV shots before labs; because I don’t want any shit from her. It’s also why I lose whatever weight I can before I see her, even if that can only be a few pounds; so I don’t risk her getting on my case about what I can’t change.

So, since I don’t need her lecturing me and no one’s helped me with the anxiety yet or the strange pressure in my head, why not just do what I’m going to do? I still don’t know what that should be but I realize I need to change my way of thinking. Yes, there is some good to living, but there’s a lot of bad, too. So since I can’t know if the afterlife is better, worse, or if there’s nothing at all, all I can do is focus on what I know of this life and that’s that rather than killing myself, since I’m not suffering every minute of every day and night, I should just do what makes me feel better. If that’s not taking my medication, so be it. I have to look at my case as one of those possibly untreatable cases. It’s like with people who get injuries that prevent them from walking. Some of them can be treated and some of them can’t. Well, maybe I’m just not meant to treat my thyroid without torturing myself in ways that are worse than the hypo symptoms. So rather than worry about what problems I may acquire eventually, I should just enjoy every day that I feel good until something happens. Meanwhile, whatever is causing the head pressure hasn’t killed me yet and neither has my dead thyroid. As long as I feel good, it shouldn’t matter what a doctor says. It’s just that I can’t hide it forever if I do quit. Sooner or later I’m going to have to either explain why my numbers are bad or just not go to the lab in the first place.

I just want to do what’s going to make me feel better! But is that quitting my meds or not???

Strangely enough, my LS has been much better overall. Since cutting out potatoes and other foods that aggravate it, it does seem to help unlike when I try to cut out foods that fuel anxiety. It’s too bad I can’t have potatoes because they don’t have any sodium or cholesterol.

My TMJ has been up and down. It was fine all day yesterday until the very end of my day as I was getting into bed. It acted up to the point where I had to get up and take something for it.

The night before last was pretty quiet as far as planes go, but there were some last night and I know they’re going to start up any second now so I have the air cleaner on. Whoever the fucker is that visits really late on a motorcycle came in last night at 11:30 and left a half-hour later.

The car is leaking worse than before. Water pumps harder through the new hose and it puts pressure on old cracks in the radiator so water is leaking quite a bit. Therefore, we may be getting our new vehicle really soon. He’s really keen on the idea of getting an electric car because it makes more sense in so many ways. Even if we pay a little more for it, we save quite a bit in the end. It would save us about a grand a year since it wouldn’t need gas. It also wouldn’t need oil or have to go through emissions.

He’s been looking at a 2012 Nissan Leaf for $5,600. It’s not luxurious which he was interested in at first since having a luxury car does spoil you, but this would be so much smarter. As I told him, he’s the one that drives it so as long as it’s not as loud as so many vehicles are these days, I don’t care what it is. But that’s the thing with electrics… They’re pretty quiet. With the way they’re so much smarter economically and better for the environment, I don’t understand why everything isn’t electric these days. I guess disturbing the peace is that much more important to most people.

He was reading up on various solutions to my sleep issues and came across these cool-looking pod hotels that are popular in China. The smallest and cheapest one was about 6 ft by 4 ft and cost $1000. It has a twin bed in it, a little window, a TV screen, its own heating and cooling, and is said to be soundproof. It’s kind of sad that the world has come to what it’s come to and that some of us now need this sort of thing but as I told him, a grand is a bit much to spend on something that might not be soundproof enough. So we’re going to try putting up posts around the bed and draping the soundproofing material we still have over the bed to see if that makes a difference at all. We figure that if it does, then these things should definitely be pretty soundproof. It would look ridiculous since it would have to sit in the middle of the living room since the bedroom doorway would be too narrow to get it through but I wouldn’t care if it worked. The thing is you kind of have to have a continuous piece in order to really be soundproof.

Not sure the bed would be comfortable. They don’t sleep on regular beds in China but on mats instead, so I would have to add a topper. I’m probably much heavier than your average Chinese person too, so while I want some firmness to give me good support, I also need a little cushion because I’m so heavy.

As I told Tom, if today’s world can make Phoenix seem comatose, Will this place seem comatose in 20 years?

And what about my health? It’s changed so much in less than a decade that thinking of how it might be in another decade or two is quite scary.

Anyway, we went to Walmart when it opened at 5:30 yesterday morning where he got some stuff for the car and we got a few groceries.

A couple of hours later we went to Rite Aid where I got a facial hair trimmer that works great. The way it’s advertised is a little deceptive because it says “remove hair painlessly.” Well, it’s painless because it doesn’t remove the hair. It just trims it. But it’s much better than the other little mini trimmer I’ve had because this thing shaves closer to the skin so I don’t have ladystache stubble.

I also got a couple of mini bottles of Moscato, one pink, one white. I like the Rosé wine the best and whatever that dark purple stuff was that I tried a couple of weeks ago.

Got some incense as well that is surprisingly fresh.

I swear I gave our fish circadian rhythm disorder, LOL. He seems to be copying my schedule along with the rats.

I’m going to try the disposable liners on the pigs and see how they do with it because I realize that it would be even easier on us for about the same cost if I could use those and then line their playpen with the fleece liners. A future dog could also use the fleece liners. It’s easy enough to shake the fleece liners of turds but not of hay. So that’s why I want to see how they do with disposables.

Thinking more and more of bringing my hair to my shoulders where that too, would make life easier. The shit sheds all over, clogs drains and gets stuck in the Roomba’s brushes. It’s just such a pain in the ass overall. My hair is so fried from dyeing it and takes forever to dry. It’s a bitch to brush and I miss having just a little stub of a ponytail when I’m working out or sleeping. Instead, I have to put it up in a bun that can get heavy after a while or braid it just to keep it out of the way. I don’t know when I’ll get it done. I’ll just play it by ear. Some weekend when I happen to be up and it’s convenient, I’ll hit the salon. Funny because so many women would kill to have this hair. Well, they can have it! Every long thick golden-brown curl.

Last night I dreamed I was living in an adult community but it looked different. The houses were larger and were built on-site. I was walking down the street where about half a dozen residents were standing around. One of the guys was new. He had a large dog that was unleashed and I said, “You know there’s a leash law here, don’t you?”

Then a woman got upset with me for pointing that out and said something to the effect of never talking to me again.

In another dream, we lived in an apartment building. The apartments had interior windows facing the corridors as well as facing outside. As I was walking down the hall to our place, I could see the Twenties having dinner with some visitors at their kitchen table.

Our place mostly consisted of one giant room with a bedroom and bathroom off of it. I looked around and thought I might rearrange it. I considered moving the dining table over by the exterior window but then decided not to because there was already a different table by that window. Then Tom said something about moving the refrigerator.