For the most part, we had an amazingly quiet and productive weekend (though the planes annoyed me on Saturday). Not even the loud car came around…until today.

The only bad news is that I was pretty anxious yesterday. I skipped today’s meds and feel better except for being light-headed. Again, I can’t help but fear the medication is the main cause despite what others tell me. But as Tom reminds me, I’m in full control. I’m not a child and I’m not in Valleyhead or anything like that so I decide when to take what. That means today I’m skipping. Placebo effect or not, coincidence or not, I do feel better.

I just wish I knew what was up with my head! Allergies? Hormones? Something else? Then there are the random bouts of fatigue that I don’t know is normal or not at my age.

When he retires I’ll try skipping the skips and see if the anxiety backs off on its own. For now, I don’t want to risk inviting this poison to possibly beat up on my heart again and cause all-out panic attacks when I’m alone for 9.5 hours most days. Sadly but not surprisingly, I can’t blame it on the Amberen and the problem could very well continue to persist on and off for the rest of my life. It started getting bad yesterday to the point that my thoughts were once again turning dark and the thought of struggling with this for another 20-something years also made me again question whether or not life is worth living.

I’m sleeping better but I go back and forth with that. Sleep at night and it’s better, sleep during the day and it’s shitty.

Went for a walk this morning. It was cloudy and cool but now the sun is peeking through a bit.

We went to Sam’s on Saturday and got some things, then we replaced most of the fish’s water.

I was all excited when the first of the guinea pig liners came just to have using it get delayed a day because the front-loader had a problem with it. I noticed the timer was stuck at the same time for a long time and it wasn’t spinning. Finally, we realized that we had to wash it with the two large beach towels we got in Hawaii. Front-loaders work differently than top-loaders in that they have sensors and I guess that having one heavy object in here was throwing off the balance. So it needs to be washed with other things.

We finally got to set it up yesterday and so far it seems to work great. I took a paper towel and pressed it down in the back corner of the cage where they have their little bathroom and the towel was completely dry. Smells good in here too, but it will be interesting to see how it smells in another two or three days.

I just wish they didn’t eat hay because that’s going to make cleaning the liner more of a pain but I think I can just shake most of it out. I have an old paintbrush I’ll use to scrape the stubborn pieces off with. I put on a disposable glove and picked up turds and threw them in a sandwich bag but it’s hard to separate the turds from the hay in certain areas. Right now they have a compressed hay patty which is a large amount. After those are gone I’ll only give them a little at a time from a bale of loose hay. Neither the pigs or the rats were impressed with the alfalfa cubes so we won’t get those again. Anyway, the liners are adorable. Very cute and colorful.

The rats absolutely can’t be with the pigs anymore because they’ve taken to bullying them. They don’t actually harm them but they troll them and I know they know damn well what they’re doing, too. Apparently, they get off on being little terrorists cuz they chase the pigs round and round and try to clean them. To the pigs, it’s like having these pesky little flies all over them. So no more trolling the pigs or stealing their food!

The rats are very friendly, gentle and tolerant of being handled but unlike Tinkerbell, Blondie, Little Buddy, and some other rats we’ve had, this doesn’t mean they’re anxious to hang out with me either. They don’t come running and climbing all over me when they’re out getting their exercise and I’m lying on the floor. They prefer to be left alone to explore.

We looked online at places for sale in both rural Nevada and Florida just to see what’s around these days, and damn is it going to be a tough call! A park in Florida would certainly have its pros and cons just like once again buying land and hitting the remote desert would have its own pros and cons. They both appeal to me for different reasons but I think we’ll end up in Florida. I don’t think we’ll get an ocean view and when I say “ocean” I mean on the edge of a dock or an island-type situation like where my parents were, not the beach. I don’t want to be on the beach. Too many people milling about. But ocean views are expensive so I think we’ll have to settle for some kind of lake view but that would be a million times better than being sandwiched in by houses.

We were checking out what was for sale in Tammy’s park out of curiosity, and I loved how this one place was not only at the end of a dead-end circle but it stuck out into a body of water that sort of wrapped around them. That would be awesome! When you look at the park from an aerial view it basically looks like houses in the middle of one big swamp since there’s so much water in Florida. So getting some kind of waterfront view shouldn’t be too hard, it just can’t be the ocean. Instead, it will be some kind of lake or river, most likely a lake.

One of the potential problems with having more space around us and being backed up close to a lake of some kind would be more barking. The people in the East are more likely to see dogs as pets more often than they do in the West but that doesn’t mean they won’t leave them outside when they go out when the weather’s nice, so both dogs and motorcycles will probably be more of a problem there.

I get it. I’m cursed. I don’t know why but for some reason something up there wants me to live in noisy places. So I get that I’m never going to have a place quiet enough that I don’t need to run sound machines most of the time. I’m no longer trying for quiet. But I think a reasonable and doable enough goal is to aim to get rid of sounds that are so loud that they’re waking me up as they do here. If I have to keep sound machines going to drown out a dog or landscaping and sounds like that, so be it. I just want a place where vehicles don’t wake me up even if they may be compensated with thunderstorms. So I’m trying to keep my goals realistic and achievable sort of like with my weight. I can’t lose it but I can certainly maintain it. Definitely gonna shoot for a dead-end with some body of water in the back.

Gonna make a list of the pros and cons of both FL and NV later on.

I haven’t been remembering many dreams. There was something about Lisa not so much as threatening me but letting me know she was stronger than me.

And then there was something about me starting a fire in Becky H’s house. I guess I was cooking something and started a grease fire. She sat there silent after I put it out but I could tell she was pissed. I apologized and began to leave when she suddenly pounced on me from behind, crushing the air out of my lungs as she pressed me into the floor.

OMG, this is SOOO fucking funny! So funny I have to stop and laugh or else speech-to-text will really go on a WTF moment. Last Friday on Aly’s other Twitter account she asked Molly if she was blogging anywhere since she knows that helps her deal with her emotions better. Molly said she didn’t know where to blog. The conversation was probably picked up elsewhere because I know that they’re connected on WhatsApp as well. Well, either Aly reminded Molly of PB or Molly remembered it on her own because I’m 90-something percent sure she peeked in on me as she’s the only one who would go through each individual entry and spend only a minute or two before jumping to the next, probably to see if she or Aly are mentioned. My tracker doesn’t give her city but lists her state and carrier as being AT&T, which Aly once said she had.

Here’s where it gets funny. I happened to be checking visitors when she was on. My public book for this year has 2 pages. She started at the beginning (page 2) and was just working her way to the first page with the latest entries when I slammed that book from MO to FO. ROTFL! That must’ve been pretty disappointing and gave her a real WTF moment when all of a sudden she got: Access Denied. Well, I don’t know if she thought it was a glitch or if she figured that I was tracking, knew she was looking in on me, and then cut her off.

Wracking my brain trying to figure out her username yet I can’t find the account to block, even though she’d just create a new one.

Aly says she’s changed for the better since going to Marbridge and while I can see that she’s matured a little and has stopped stalking some of the people she used to stalk, she’s still pretty fixated on both Josh and especially Roman. She was calling him out by his full name when she got pissed at him for blocking her and for the most part, I see the same old fucked up Molly swinging from one intense mood to another in a heartbeat. She’s just an emotional rollercoaster I myself wouldn’t want in my life. Kim can be too, and much worse, but I have leverage over her nowadays. I know exactly how to contact her sister and I know exactly where Kim hides her Kindle.

Both Aly and I are suspecting that Kim is secretly on Ask based on the types of questions we’ve gotten… The content, the way they’re written and worded, etc. Not only did I suspect this on my own but then Aly brought it up, confirming my suspicions when she said that Kim somehow knows that her boyfriend works in a bar. I never mentioned it in my public journals and as far as I know, Kim has not been on Prosebox. But she and Cam have mentioned it on Ask.

It will be interesting to see if I eventually start getting nasty messages but she’s got to know that she can’t be quite as anonymous as she used to be. In the US you can’t ask anything anonymously without being logged in which means you could be blocked. As I told Aly, I’m just going to play dumb because so far she hasn’t done anything wrong.

“How’d your weekend go?” I was just asked.

Okay, maybe I shouldn’t have but I couldn’t resist answering with, “Great Kim! How did yours go? When did you join? Good to see you here. :-)

She’ll probably freak out with surprise and assume I’m able to track Ask rather than admit it’s her… If it really is.