Woke up with a headache and horrible fatigue. Had to take Ibuprofen for the headache. Afterward, I felt pressure around my eyes and was totally sure I could take a nap but I couldn’t. Not wanting to lay in bed all day and do nothing, I had a second banana and a second cup of coffee but only half a cup. It perked me up a little but not hit-the-treadmill kind of perk me up. More like do-a-journal-entry kind of perk me up.

No anxiety today but I was a little down earlier. I was worrying about shit I shouldn’t be worrying about now for the millionth time like what the end of our lives will be like and who will go first. I always told Tom that if I go first I want him to do whatever he wants to do and I meant it. If he wants to take his life, fine. If he wants to live on, fine. As long as it’s what he wants.

But I’ve known what I’ve wanted since not long after we met and I’ve never changed my mind and I can’t imagine ever changing it in the future either. I go when he goes. No ands, ifs or buts. No matter how much money we had and no matter how many people I had offering support of any kind at any time, I just couldn’t imagine the sheer depression and loneliness of living without him, never again being able to share anything I do with him, and knowing he’s never again going to walk in the door. I just couldn’t do it. If he made it to his mid-80s, I could have another 10 to 15 years and I can’t even imagine 1 week, let alone a decade or more.

Just thinking of how shitty I feel this morning and imagining living alone and never having anyone to come home at the end of the day to comfort, support and chat with me, fills me with absolute dread and depression. We all have our limits as to what we can handle. I just don’t buy the theory that we’re never given more than we can handle or else nothing would ever kill us.

Just like I don’t believe those who are naive enough to believe the Bible is actually God’s word where He says the truth will set us free. I told the truth on January 6th of 2000 and it eventually got me half a year in jail and out thousands of dollars. That’s not exactly being “set free.”

He believes I’ll go first due to a stroke or heart attack. I believe we’ll learn he has terminal cancer and then we’ll go together.

Due to this fatigue, today was one of those days where I said to myself, why did you get these animals? You’re too tired too often to give them more attention.

But I did give them attention and everything they need and it’s not like they’re horses or anything like that which need their stalls mucked and so much more. But sometimes I wish I had the energy to give them even more attention even though the pigs prefer to be left alone. The rats mostly do as well but they do like some interaction and to come out and explore. I realize, though, that even though Fuzzy has turned out friendlier than expected, he’s still never going to be a Tinkerbell in that he’s never going to climb up and down my leg and sit with me like she did and jump all over me, etc. These aren’t people rats.

Yesterday I shook the pigs’ liner out because I wanted to see how difficult it would be to clean and replace it. First I shook it over the trash bin and then I shook it harder onto the dirt by the cypress trees. Even then there was still quite a bit of hay stuck to it so I realize I’m going to have to go through three steps. First I’m going to have to shake the bulk of the shit into the trash bin, then get whatever else I can get out by shaking it vigorously over the dirt, and then vacuum what’s left. I’ve got to get as much of the hay off as I can or else it may clog the washer’s drain.

There was a pee stain underneath the liner but it still doesn’t smell bad. By now the regular bedding would be just about starting to smell and it would definitely be smelly tomorrow. So maybe it can go a whole week without being washed. Most of the work is going to be in keeping it clean enough between washings but the compressed hay patties show that the pigs don’t eat nearly that much hay in a day. Patties would be good if you’re going on vacation for a week or so. But they really only need a little bit at a time. I’ll be glad when the last one runs out because it will make it easier to clean the liners without so much fucking hay stuck to it.

Probably not gonna bother with CampNano. For one, I have no story ideas worth putting to print, and secondly, I’m too tired most days, anyway.

Decided I don’t want our next place to be older than 2005. This place will be about 40 years old when we leave and that’s starting to get old. If the place is no more than 20 years old when we get it, then it too, should be around 40 when we die. I’d only go older if it had a helluva great catch to it. A great view or a great price. It’s most important that if something wakes me up, it’s not traffic. I’ll take the damn dogs, landscaping, hammers, saws, planes, etc. Let’s just keep the traffic from overriding the sound machine!

I downloaded TextMe to my phone but it’s a bit of a complicated app that didn’t seem anything like what I’m used to so I decided not to bother. The original plan was to use it with Kim so we could leave voice messages but decided she’s not worth it. Twitter and texting with her are sufficient enough until and if she ever gets WhatsApp. Really surprised, though, that voice options aren’t more available such as voice tweets, voice blogs, and pretty much anywhere you can put text. I’m hoping that soon enough we will be able to use our voices in the same places we can use text. I don’t want to see text phased out completely by voice, I just want it in addition so that we have a choice between the two.

I’m guessing the questions I’ve gotten on Ask that I suspect are from Kim are going to stop. She can’t come out and deny she’s asked questions because then she’ll know that I at least know she’s been lurking, and as dumb as she is, she’s not that dumb. So I’m guessing she’s going to go silent since owning up to things isn’t her style. She didn’t do anything wrong, though. I just thought it would be funny to surprise her the way I did.

I seized up the damn garbage disposal yesterday by accidentally putting a chicken bone down it. Tom can fix it easily enough but that’s one household luxury that I definitely don’t see as a luxury. I’d hate to be without a washer, dryer or dishwasher, but I really don’t need a disposal because I don’t put much down in the first place for fear of it clogging the drain and because they do get stuck at times. I don’t really find them worth it.

I only remember one dream that lasted a couple of seconds and that was Tammy dying. I don’t know how she died, but it seemed like our parents and brother were still alive, especially our brother. In the dream, I thought how I would have been surprised had someone told me years ago that she would be the first to go.

In real life, I just wish I could go over a week without feeling bad! This fatigue and “vibration” in my head gets old. Not knowing exactly what it is makes it harder to deal with, too. If I knew it was due to age or something else, it may be a little easier on me. But it’s the not knowing that can turn my anxiety and or depression up a notch. I’m so frustrated too, as I just want a break! A long one.