Could I get two good days in a row? No, of course not. Not anxious but not as calm as yesterday. Most of all I’m tired and lightheaded. But I’ve been lightheaded when I take the medication regularly so that could be anything. I probably feel shitty due to pre-appointment jitters, just like Tom pointed out. It’s also probably why I haven’t been sleeping as well. Instead of waking up several times throughout the night, I’m waking up a few hours into my sleep and it takes a while to get back to sleep. Wish I could remember more of my dreams lately even though most of them are negative.

The rats are out now and hopefully, they won’t give me any shit. Well, Fuzzy rarely does. It’s his asshole brother.

The rats still try to bust through the latched ramp to get up to the pigs. Too bad they can’t climb a clear tube through the pigs’ place so they can at least see each other that goes on up to the top. That way they couldn’t troll or hoard.

Got to have Tom reattach part of the hay holder that came loose when I was wedging cardboard behind it. I’m no longer going to worry about hay falling out onto the floor and making a mess in that area because it’s not an area we walk through. So if there’s a pile of hay on the floor, so be it. It shouldn’t hurt Roomba.

Tom’s own ear has been needing alcohol and peroxide due to his Hearphones and I wish he would quit being a crab at times and snapping at me for no apparent reason at all. As he lay down on the bed waiting for me to dump the alcohol and peroxide mixture into his ear, I asked if he wanted a tissue. He snaps at me about asking questions and not just doing what I’m doing, and I’m sorry, but I don’t see the harm in asking if someone needs a tissue in this case. Wouldn’t that be considered kind of me?

Anyhow, he seemed to realize he was snapping at me unnecessarily and felt bad about it afterward when he was telling me that he sent an email to the car dealer about the Nissan Leaf which he’s pretty sure he wants to go check out. Still don’t know if we’ll get it but he definitely wants to see it.

Saw Bob yesterday when he was weeding in front of his place and said hello. We asked each other how we were doing and I asked about Virginia who he says is doing well.

We’ve slipped back into winter which is only good for sleeping and working out, not that I have the energy to work out today. It’s raining out there again and it’s supposed to rain Friday too, appointment day.

I’m just tired of only feeling as good as I did yesterday only once in a while and worrying about what to do about my meds. It’ll be time for a refill after the appointment so when I go to pick up my new inhaler, I will request a refill at that time in case there’s something about the way this batch was manufactured that’s fueling my anxiety. There’s no doubt that different brands can do that because I can’t believe the heightened anxiety I experienced on the other brand was a coincidence. Only this isn’t a different brand so I don’t know what to think.

Just the thought of having a group of professionals telling me I’m wrong when I insist the bulk of my anxiety is caused by the medication is both frustrating and a bit scary as well. Especially if I’m right. These are the people that are supposed to help me and make me feel better. Not tell me I’m wrong about what seems obvious to me. I’m probably not going to go four or more months without my meds, though, to really get a sense for sure either way but will probably go by how I feel instead. If I feel anxious after taking it, I’ll skip it the next day. The anxiety spells seemed to be random. I usually have weeks where it’s on and weeks where it’s off. So I won’t take my meds consistently until the spell is pretty much over with. It’s just that if I go for several months, it may be a shock to my system when I return to it and that could cause more problems. If I chose this method, though, I would slowly return and not just jump back to a full dose every single day. For now, I’ll just go by how I feel and play it by ear.

Ooh, good news! Just felt a pang of anxiety on what’s the second day of skipping in a row, probably due to my upcoming appointment. I hate appts/docs and often wish I could just give up on my health altogether. But this is a reminder that no, it’s not all from the meds. Same with the anxiety returning after I learned my last set of numbers. That was clearly due to the numbers being scary that triggered it.