Another statue removed. Been there for ages and now they’re suddenly oh-so offensive… Like just about everything else.

Is it going to become illegal to wear certain colors? Is that next?

On Monday I received not one but three phone scam calls which I’m guessing originated from China. Blocked the numbers so we’ll see if they try to come at me from a different number(s).

I’m pretty tired today. I got woken up by the fucking traffic and just couldn’t get comfy. The headband speakers kept shifting out of place. So it’s back to earbuds and oiling my ear in regular intervals so it doesn’t get too waxy.

So sick of this place. Just so SO fucking sick of it! But when I looked on Zillow for a home to rent in the area that isn’t over $1200 a month, I couldn’t find anything. At least not with two bedrooms and 1.5 baths. This state is so fucking expensive and I’m asking myself for the millionth time why we bothered coming here. I totally regret moving here! Why oh why can’t we be in a place where we love it so much we don’t ever want to leave? We should have skipped Oregon and California and just gone to Florida from Arizona. I don’t regret leaving New England and I definitely don’t regret leaving Arizona with the way that state treated me. Things may have changed in some places there but I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if there are still places that treat whites, gays and Jews horribly.

I totally love how we can measure distance anywhere on Google Maps. I was curious to see, since Jesse’s motorcycle would sometimes wake me up even if not nearly as often as various vehicles wake me up here, the distance from where I slept to the closest his driveway was to the bedroom and came up with 118 feet. in the city, that distance would only be good if there was something between us but here they would have to be no closer than Oak or the other side of the circle. 200 feet would be ideal but we’re not getting that anywhere.

I don’t understand why they don’t just quiet the fucking engines. Where are the laws we actually need? I can’t be the only light sleeper struggling to sleep in the daytime even if most people aren’t right on the street. There are more third-shift workers than people think with all the hospitals alone.

Just after 3am yesterday morning, I heard what I could swear was that late-night motorcycle coming up Astro.

“I’m going to find out where this fucker lives,” I told Tom, and jumped out to see what I could see. This damn park may allow all the noise in the world during the daytime but they do say you have to be quiet at night.

But it wasn’t a motorcycle. Instead, it was what appeared to be an old light-colored pickup but I can’t say that it was old for sure just because it was ferociously loud. Tons of vehicles old and new are loud these days. It came up Astro, turned around where the streets form a plus and then parked in front of Lawrence.

When I went and told Tom about it, he thought someone was looking to commit a crime. I was like, but how could they get in the gate unless they worked here or something and why would you do that in a park like this of all places in the middle of the night?

Then he said something about how this has never happened before where a loud vehicle comes in in the middle of the night and parks there.

Then when he realized it came up Astro and parked on Lawrence’s side of the street and not ours, he came to agree it wasn’t likely anyone that was up to no good.

When I jumped into the driveway and watched them for a minute or two, the only thing that was weird was that the inside of the truck was dark and they didn’t get out right away. It wasn’t until after I came in and told Tom about it and then sat down at my desk that I heard the soft thump of the truck door. Then I heard another one a few minutes later so they weren’t here for long, whoever they were.

This place is going to be getting noisier and noisier because we’re going to hit the 70s this weekend. By late April to early May, it will be comfortably toasty. May be rougher for sleeping and treadmilling, but I’m looking forward to swimming, bike riding, and middle-of-the-night walks.

Sometimes I’m not sure what’s worse, having plenty of space in a 1983 house that’s rocking with noise day and night, or being horribly cramped in pesky Jesse’s little old 1966 trailer that was rotting, ugly as hell, and infested with mice where I mostly only had to deal with his mutts. That bedroom was 10 x 10 so there’s no way in hell I could get more than the bed and small desk in there let alone a dresser, a rocking chair, and a bean bag with a life-size doll I never should have gotten.

But I wouldn’t be going back the same person if we were suddenly returning there after having to sell or throw more than half our shit and storage that’s how much junk we’ve accumulated over the years. I would be going back to a very different person. Traumatized. Scarred. Change forever. Oh, how I miss the days of not knowing I had this fucking disease and the true definition of the word anxiety! Sometimes ignorance really is bliss. Either way, we don’t want to downgrade from over 1300 square feet to 500. I just want to fucking sleep!

Even though they were of varying degrees of toxicity, sometimes I miss having family and friends that were both local and just a phone call away. I realize that not everyone is perfect. Humans simply weren’t made without flaws. Take half a dozen people and they’ve all got some kind of problem. This one’s a hypocrite, that one’s a liar, the next one is a procrastinator, and the next is not very dependable or understanding. As long as there’s no sexual or physical abuse or any kind of serious verbal/emotional abuse, I’ve come to accept that no one’s perfect and you just have to take the good in people. If we rid ourselves of everybody who’s got flaws, we end up completely isolated.

This is day 3 of skipping meds. Still not anxious even if I’m not entirely “calm” either. Ear’s definitely bugging me, though. The bad one.

My LS did NOT like the Chinese food that fed me on Sunday and Monday. Since Chinese has mostly rice and veggies I’m guessing it was something in the sauce.

We tested my blood sugar when I got up on Saturday and it was 109. That’s not bad but it was then that dear hubby came out and told me the test strips had expired a couple of years ago.

Been too tired to work out or clean but I took care of the animals because they’re my top priority and I knew what little energy I had wouldn’t last long.

The hay holder definitely makes shaking out the liner way easier since not nearly as much comes in contact with it. The washer started to give me shit again so I had to open the door and ring the liner out manually as best I could with my small hands before it would spin.

The pigs were popcorning and running around and seemed perkier once I laid down their new liner, and that takes more time than shaking out dirty ones because I have to line it up just right and then take hair claw clips to secure the sides so they don’t cave in.

Because the rats are doing well with their own liner, I might cut one in half and align their shelf with it and see how that works out.

Both rats were out for a while, happily running around playfully. They still don’t play together like most rats but Fuzzy sort of chased Woody. Fuzz Butt was like, “Weee, this is so much fun!”

They’re so adorably cute but Woody still remains quite shy.

I thought they were going to give me a hard time about going home but they now know the commands and it only took a few minutes. I think the most important thing is letting them have enough time so they get their running around out of their system. It’s kind of like being cooped up all day where you just gotta eventually stretch your legs and let out your pent-up energy.

The pigs, on the other hand, aren’t nearly as active and they would simply find a place to hide and I would have an incredibly hard time getting them back. All they do in their playpen is just sit there. But the pigs have their pros… The sounds they make, their soft fur that’s so nice to the touch and looks beautiful, the way they snuggle up and cuddle with me, unlike the very animated rat who can’t sit still for long. But yeah, if you want thick, shiny, soft fur, American guinea pigs are best. They’ve always been my fave as opposed to Abyssinians and Peruvians.

Now for another bad thing besides all the rude awakenings. I had a dream that only lasted for a second but it wasn’t good at all. I seemed to be washing my hands and aware that I was definitely going to kill myself and thought of how I wouldn’t make it to my 60s.

Not a very encouraging and fun dream. :-( Naturally, I can’t help but wonder if that means I’m never going to figure out a solution to my anxiety with or without someone’s help, and therefore I’m going to get fed up and tired of dealing with it to the point that I decide to end it all. Really hope it doesn’t come to that!

Then I had a dream about Alyssa, though I don’t know where we were. Maybe some kind of medical building? I know she was seeing patients there and it’s almost like I was either living or working there, and various doctors would be assigned to different sections within the building. To my surprise, she was assigned to my section. I pretended not to recognize her but knew she knew who I was.

As soon as I found out she was having a kid in real life, I automatically got a vibe about it being a girl. Someone in the dream, a nanny I assume, brought the kid to her at one point but it wasn’t an infant. It was about a year or two or somewhere between. I think she was calling it Mary. “Mary” had beautiful long, thick curly brown hair and didn’t look anything like her parents. She didn’t even look mulatto. Usually, a child born to black and white parents looks black, but she didn’t look like either of her black/blond parents.