Getting this totally awesome rat shirt from Amazon in a medium.

He gets something like $67 for life from AMEX. The pension was supposed to be $250 till our lovely God decided, as always, that he doesn’t deserve what’s fair, and so what that he once worked hard for the damn company. Nonetheless, he decided we should split it and do whatever we want with it starting next month. That’s what I’m going to get the ratty shirt with.

Taking 75mcgs this weekend. So far so good.

We hit 70° today, though I slept through most of it. Used to hate this time of year in the trailer. Those transitional times were tough because it’d be too warm during the daytime and too cold at night in the damn place. It was very hard to regulate the temp in that dump unless it was the dead of winter or summer was in full swing.

Aly said Kim surprised her by actually admitting that those two accounts were in fact hers (they’re both gone now) and she actually felt bad about it. Really? I didn’t think she was capable of feeling guilty. Still, Aly warned her that this was her last chance. She let go of Molly for good and will do the same with her. Aly also thinks she reads my tweets and might’ve asked some questions on Ask. That’s been my suspicion, too. So much for being “afraid” of me.

In 2001 I had permanent retaining wires cemented in behind my i-teeth. The top one broke loose in 2005. While my dear hubby has reminded me to feel free to ask for any dental services I want, I think I’ll hold off on whitening for now and have her just get the lower retainer out of there after I’m cleaned and filled. I know I have at least two cavities that need filling. The retainer only makes keeping that area clean harder, but at this age, I don’t give a shit if I don’t have straight teeth. Without it, I will also have one less thing to worry about falling out. My teeth could stand some whitening, but they’re really not all that dingy-looking so I’ll hold off on that for now.

Felt wonderful today and yesterday, so I guess this weekend I will be “spiking” to 75mcgs. It’s a little scary, but since it’s only for two days, hopefully I’ll be okay. If I am, I’ll spike to the recommended 100mcgs next weekend.

Had a dream the other night that I was staying with Andy. He wasn’t too happy with me for not pulling the shower curtain across the tub when I finished showering, LOL. His walls also weren’t gray and textured. They were paneled and painted a pale blue or green.

I also dreamed I was at a restaurant with Andy and his mother when his mother confessed to being German. Then she asked how much I thought this man weighed who was standing by another table on the other side of the room. “Zwei hundert,” I said (200).

Alexa has spoiled me for life! Love being able to say, “Alexa, add blah blah blah to the shopping list,” and then I just hit print after I’m done, and check the boxes in the store next to all the items I gather.

Told her, “Alexa, set alarm for 8:15.” Then it was 4 hours after taking my meds, at which time I could pop my multivitamin.

I didn’t think it would, but I’m also so amazed at how much easier story writing is when I do it by speech-to-text instead of writing them. Then all I have to do is edit things. It just seems to go faster when I speak them than write them. I talk-typed over 1100 words to an unfinished story last night.

Later…

This time it was my turn to withhold things from Alison. So in some ways, I can kind of understand why she doesn’t choose to tell everybody everything. Who does?

Kim went and created yet another new account on Prosebox from which she promptly blocked me. So changing my u/n and avatar was a waste. She did copy/save my link as I figured she would. But I don’t think she blocks me because she’s “scared” of me. I think she’s truly got herself convinced that I victimized her, just like the black bitch in Arizona believed she was a victim of her color.

I logged out to see if I could see into the account from the outside in and it appeared newly created. There were no entries or anything yet.

Leaving out the part where she blocked me, I messaged Alison on Twitter and told her that I discovered a new account of hers in the list of new users. Alison checked it out and said that she was blocked from it, which hurt her feelings. I don’t blame her. Not telling somebody that you consider a friend that you’ve created an account is one thing, but blocking them as if they are harassing you is another. There are ways to be kept out of public view without blocking anybody on Prosebox, though Kim no doubt wants everyone else’s attention. Some friend she is to Aly!

I totally regret telling Aly about Prosebox, cuz whenever she likes a site I recommend, she drags Kim over to it, too. Where Aly goes, trouble goes. She thrives on people like Kim. Just her sexual fantasies alone tells me she likes toxic people.

I asked Aly not to mention my name to her as I don’t want the sick fuck to know I’m looking for accounts of hers to block. Only problem is I don’t get the chance to because she blocks me the minute she creates an account. I can just imagine how many accounts on Facebook she’s blocked me from, and it not only pisses me off to be treated like a perp, but I worry that too many blocks could get me kicked off of sites. On the bright side, this displays a lack of interest in following me, what I’m up to, who I’m connected to… unless she’s reading me from the outside in.

Although I don’t know that I can trust Alison to keep my name out of it, she says all she asked Kim in an email is why she feels the need to hide things from her. Well, that’s easy… Because she’s a delusional, pathological liar. She said that what she does next will depend on how she responds. But what is she going to do? I mean Alison obviously likes friends like this. She’s not going to be done with her forever, which would be the smart thing to do. She just doesn’t have that kind of self-respect. She’s even admitted that there’s a part of her that still cares about Molly. Yeah, I know. And they’ll be buddies again someday until Aly dumps her yet again. I just don’t get this but I guess that is for her to know and me not to understand.

Later…

Well, I’ll be damned. Guess who just (as predicted), denied knowing about the account to Aly, deleted it, and then created another one which she promptly blocked me from? AND showed up on my tracker! That probably pissed her off, too. I know she likes to hide, so she probably assumed I couldn’t track her there, LOL. shakes head sadly Delete, deny, delude.

Part of me was tempted to create another account just to scare her off of there which would be so, so easy to do, so she’ll stop treating me like the perp and risk me getting kicked off due to so many blocks, but nah, not worth the time and effort.

I’m ready to go back to ignoring her and not mentioning her at all. Let her play this little “victim” game all on her own. :) I’d bet anything, though, that if she revisits my blog, it won’t be obvious to my tracker.

Oh boy, oh boy! Guess whose metabolism is showing its first signs of life in a while? Still don’t expect to lose much weight, but when my metabolism was barely moving, a lousy cup of coffee could bump me up a pound. No joke. I just had my coffee AND a large power bar and got jumped only half a pound.

I just hope I don’t go through the “pocket flare” nightmare again till my antibodies finish killing the damn thyroid off altogether. I’d rather gain 100 pounds and go totally bald. Had no idea so many drugs caused hair loss. When I’d think of drugs and hair loss, all that would come to mind was chemo. At least I’ve been more heart happy than last night. Last night got a little annoying. I also had this strange sensation for about a half-hour in my left upper and lower arm that kind of felt like a sunburn.

screams with delight after another weigh-in It’s alive! It’s alive! It’s exciting to see my body start responding the way it should. Not even an hour after that coffee and power bar, my body burned and spit it off and fell back down the half a pound it had come up. In the past, my weight could hover for hours in the same spot even WITHOUT eating and WITH exercise.

I didn’t buy it when I read this article, and I still don’t cuz I’ve never seen a thin person with Hashimoto’s, but where I believed you couldn’t be thin even with stabilized treatment, it said we usually go back to where we were before we got “hashed.” jaw drops That’d put me between 100-110 AND sometimes having to struggle to eat more so as not to lose too much what with how active I am. I just don’t see that, though. Genetics and age are still a factor in things. Just as long as it doesn’t kill me along the way.

For now, it is nice to know I can go back to enjoying weekend treats without worry if I want to. I swear, though, until yesterday my body was STILL trying to burn the cupcake I ate last Christmas, LOL. Hopefully, I’ll stop “turning to ice” soon too, and retaining enough water to cure the Cali drought.

I would love to do an entry now, except there really isn’t anything new to update on. Andy returns today from his not-so-fun vacation, and Aly had a funny dream of getting it on with this guy who used to bully her in high school where they used a sandwich bag as a condom.

I don’t remember enough of my own dreams last night. There was something about Officer P, and then something about my house suddenly being just one step away from my dentist’s office. Literally. I was afraid to change clothes because I had no privacy. LOL

Tom will be home in about a half hour and then we will go for a bike ride in which my heart will hopefully behave.

Got a lot of questions all of a sudden on Ask.

I asked Aly if she thought Molly would return to harassing us when she’s no longer at Marbridge and has more freedom and time, but apparently, she’s still harassing Aly. Only difference is that she’s doing it through her fellow Marbridgers since she’s not allowed online.

Later…

My heart rate took me on a little ride for a while there and I felt super cold, especially in the hands and feet. Really hope this and the insane water retention isn’t a regular thing. I still fear having “heart boomers” and extreme anxiety as the medication builds up in my system. Trying to think positively is sometimes hard when you get in a gloomy mood. I hate feeling like I have little to no control over my body.

The good news is that I still haven’t had any heart explosions or anxiety. The bad news is that I’m ready to drag these people down to the pool and drown them all! Mr. Double Door Garage decided to do some hammering today and guess who had to listen to it? That house is a lot closer than the contractor’s house so it was a lot harder to drown out.

Nutrisystem really pissed me off yesterday because I logged in to check for messages and while I was doing so I found that it said my next order would ship soon even though I canceled by phone. I sent them an email and let them know this, too. When I got up there was a reply saying that it had been taken care of. It better be!

Instead of the long detailed dream, Alison is so excited about due to the story idea it gave her, I just had mundane little snippets that I barely remember. In one dream we seemed to be back at Jesse’s place, and I walked through the trailer and into the kitchen to find that the oven had exploded. It was like it was engulfed in a big dark pile of who knew what. I looked at Tom who was sitting nearby and he said, “I really think Jesse plans to hook all the pipes up to the pump,” whatever the hell that was supposed to mean.

Then I was struggling in dreams unlike in reality. Andy brought us a couch because we didn’t have one. I struggled to pick something up off the floor that I could swoop down and quickly grab in real life.

Really love this mind fuck idea Aly came up with. It gave me some ideas of my own. We each, like most writers, seem to have a theme. Something we write best. I seem to have a thing for damsels in distress where a smaller, less capable woman is injured, hospitalized or stranded, and she is taken in by a stronger, more capable woman, etc., etc. Because it’s so much easier for me to “bring to life” characters I’ve seen, if only a passing glance in a grocery store or something, I may use my new endo as a lead even if she’s pretty ordinary looking. Not sure of the plot yet. I actually have a story I never finished and I may “merge” the two. In the story, a woman is taken in by the woman who accidentally hits her with her car and that woman who first appears as a savior turns out to be a real psycho. Well, maybe she can escape and end up in the endo’s hands or something like that.

So far there haven’t been any problems with my medication, but I wasn’t expecting any. Like I said, if I’m going to run into trouble it’s not going to be this soon after upping my dosage. This is my second day on the 50s and the first day I’ve taken it alone. I’m mostly calm, but there is a slight nervousness about me. It’d be worse if it was early in the morning and I knew Tom would be gone for many hours, but I shouldn’t be alone for more than a few hours.

Andy is stuck in Florida due to the blizzards hitting the northeast. He’s not having the greatest time either, but it’s not my place to say why, and well, whatever’s going on with his family is really none of my own business anyway. Because he’s in northern Florida, it’s been chilly during the daytime. Well, I know one thing for sure and that’s that if we don’t make it to Maui, but we do make it to Florida, we’re going to southern Florida! No more half-assing it like we did by coming here. We may not get brutal winters or any snow, but it does get too cold for my tastes in the winter.

Made an appointment for a dental checkup on March 4th. I could’ve gotten in a few weeks sooner, but this way I could get a later appointment and Tom wouldn’t have to miss work to take me. My dentist is quite a ways away in Roseville, but she’s worth the drive. She’s super nice and always does a great job. I know I have at least two cavities, but they’re not urgent. I’m not in any pain; just slight discomfort if I bite down on a crunchy piece of food the wrong way. When I had that infected back molar a few years ago that the county pulled… THAT was pain.

I had a dream I was trying to convince someone who wanted to go see a psychic how while some people truly were psychic, most of those who ask for money for their “services” weren’t the least bit psychic.

In another dream, I seemed to have my own apartment in a building similar to the one I lived in back east. I was on an upper floor and my sister and I were talking to my neighbor, a rather attractive woman in her 40s or so who seemed rather cold and austere. She said something to the woman who stood in her doorway, and I feared that what she said might have offended her so I later knocked on the woman’s door and apologized to her.

But it wasn’t “me.” Instead, I was a masculine-looking lesbian who was painfully shy and ashamed of her sexuality. I mentally berated myself and said, “Time to grow your hair out and look more womanly instead of running around looking like a little man. You don’t need to “be a man” to be attracted to women! That defeats the whole point of liking women.”

I actually looked more like a teenage boy than a man, LOL. I was short but very skinny. Like skinnier than I was back in my own skinny days.

The woman didn’t seem to take my apology well as I apologized for whatever it was my sister was supposed to have said, saying I later discussed it with my “boyfriend” in hopes of deceiving her into thinking I was straight, something I would never do in real life. In reality, I have no qualms whatsoever in admitting I’ve been attracted to both genders and I wouldn’t have any qualms in admitting it if I’d been 100% gay or straight either. All the woman said in response to my apology was an abrupt “okay.” I then turned and headed into my own apartment pretending that I didn’t notice her curtness.

I saw her again down in the laundry room, which I assume was in the basement. She gave off the same cold, snotty air that she had before. I said hello and then ignored her as I loaded my clothes into the washer while she pulled hers out of the dryer and folded them.

The last dream I remember having was at the beach and I guess it was in Hawaii. The only strange thing is that the beach seemed to be on different levels like the shorelines were in tiers or something. I swam for a while in the daytime and then I returned at night for a quick dip. I ran into one of the “levels” of water but found it too shallow to dive into. So I turned and headed back up the shore and then realized a car was suddenly sitting right there. I never heard it pull up… no headlights, no nothing. Instead of letting it worry me, though, I simply headed back up the beach and then down another hill that was very green and grassy.

Today begins the jump from 25 to 50mcgs. Nervous about it, but all is well so far. That’s the thing with levothyroxine, though. It takes two weeks to build up in the body, so if there are going to be any problems it’s not going to happen today. Just knowing I know more about the disease and the medication and that I have a more competent and caring doctor is enough to help ease my worries a bit. Meanwhile… trying to take my counselor’s advice and not worry until and if I run into trouble. So I will try not to think/discuss it as much.

My Dutch lessons are getting harder and taking longer to get through, but I’m still going at it every day.

Alexa is playing nature sounds for me even though it has been a peaceful weekend. Weekends, unfortunately, are pretty much the only times you do get any peace around here unless it’s at night. Alexa sounds great. Way better than our computers. She puts out a big, full sound that really surrounds you and doesn’t sound like it’s coming from one particular spot. Her jokes aren’t very funny, though.

Having sooo much fun with Alexa! Imagine sitting on your couch in your living room and suddenly you get the urge to hear a particular song and so you simply say, “Alexa, play Milkshake by Kelis.”

Or you suddenly remember that you have to get toilet paper at the store but your hands are full or wet from scrubbing a pot and so you say, “Alexa, add toilet paper to the shopping list.”

I loved how I got up this morning and, unable to have my coffee right away due to my meds, being able to say, “Alexa, set the timer for 45 minutes.” At any moment afterward, I could ask, “Alexa, how much time is left?” and she would tell me.

The problem I was having with a few sites due to the newcomer in the park being on our frequency stopped a couple of days ago, but Tom is still having trouble. He’s about 60’ from the Wi-Fi, though, whereas I’m about 24’.

Going to make us some scrambled eggs, then head to Sam’s Club later to pick up my meds in the new dose of 50mcgs. Might go for a bike ride first, even though it’s cold and foggy.

The corner garage guy has a full-fledged workshop setup, I’m sorry to say. We could hear hammering coming from in back of the garage when we rode by yesterday. So he hammers in back and saws in the garage. Still, I’m fucking sick of it. I don’t care if it’s his job. I don’t care how much he enjoys it. I don’t make people listen to my noise and therefore I should get the same respect in return. I didn’t come here for this shit anyway.

Well, my nerves just got turned up a notch or two. When I got up at 7:30 I found that they posted a bunch of documents on the health site. Most contained information from the past, but one had me reeling with shock as well as nervous as hell, and that was the one with my endo doc’s recommendation given that my TSH is at 27.77. She now wants me to take 50 micrograms 5 days a week and 100 micrograms 2 days a week. My initial reaction is, is she trying to kill me or has she just lost her mind? But supposedly, this latest adjustment is in light of the trouble that I had with a daily dose of 75 micrograms. The thought of going over 75 even for just two days a week terrifies the shit out of me. Five minutes would be enough to scare me. I do not want to have those effects again with the booming, racing heart and the severe anxiety from hell like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. Imagine somebody kicking your door in and holding you at gunpoint and how utterly terrified you’d be. Well, that’s exactly how this “artificial fear” feels to me. I dread the thought of going through it for just one minute, it is that bad. I kind of wish that was a typo, but I know it wasn’t. I’m just really surprised. I really thought she’d up me to 50 most days and have me do 62 on days I wasn’t doing 50. The doses go in 12-microgram increments.

Had to play a bit of phone tag with the office just to get the damn information and was a little dismayed that they weren’t more prompt about it, even though it’s nothing urgent. Supposedly I was sent an email but I never got it. Funny because Alison said she sent an email I never got either.

The doctor wants me to have blood work and then to see her in eight weeks, but another disappointment is that she’s so booked up that I can’t see her until April 15th. If by some miracle there are no problems before then, I will visit the vampire at least a week before seeing her.

In other news, it was mostly quiet yesterday after 1.5 hours of landscaping. That’s only because the garage guy wasn’t home all day. My impression is that he’s a younger guy (in his 50s or 60s as opposed to his 80s) who’s still working, and all the racket coming from the garage has to do with that. He’s home today and the garage door is open so I’m sure he’ll be going at it today building whatever the fuck it is he builds. But I am no longer working in the laundry room where it can be heard the loudest.

The guy that was sawing last weekend and that rarely saws must be on vacation. I saw him - or somebody - pull up in front of that house with a long silver pole, a ladder, and something that almost looked like a flat broom, but I’m sure that’s not what it was. They didn’t make much noise and they weren’t around for long, whoever they were. I don’t know, maybe they were cleaning gutters or something. Anyway, the reason I wonder if they’re on vacation is that I saw Bob walk up to the house, go around the side to the back of the garage, open the garage door, and then take their trash out which is to be picked up today.

There is some good to the day and that’s that Alexa has finally arrived. Looking way forward to playing with her! Yes, I know how that sounds. I’m talking about Amazon Echo’s Alexa, though. :)

So it isn’t just me. Tom agrees that today’s music all sounds the same. It sucks when you’re bored shitless by today’s music but you’re sick of oldies at the same time.

Signing in from my old desk in the living room. After 3 months at the built-in desk in the laundry room, I realized that if I’m going to have to hear people’s landscaping, sawing, sanding and other projects going on all around me no matter what room I work in, I might as well pick the best spot I’m most comfortable in. Watch, though… now that I’m back by next door’s driveway/garage, Bob will resume his garage activities. The highs are 60s and sunny, so why not? Lately, though, the double-car garage guy is making Bob seem like nothing.

It is actually a little easier to block the woodworking sounds from Mr. Double Car in the living room than it is in the laundry room. His insane racket is a straight shot from his garage to the laundry room window. But in the living room, the corner of the house in front of us blocks in a bit so I don’t have to blast the sound machine so insanely loud in order to snuff it out. It’d be ridiculous to replace one monstrous sound with another, but when Bob starts up again I will have to because he’s a lot closer.

Amazingly the garage door is still closed at the opposite corner, but this doesn’t mean I’ve had a peaceful morning. No, I had to listen to landscapers from 8:30 - 10:00. Lucky me, huh? In fact, there’s nothing like being on the phone getting bad news from the doctor’s office while your Roomba’s vacuuming to the right and they’re landscaping to the left.

My TSH is too high, as we knew it would be, and I guess the doctor is going to double my dose. A very scary thought after all I’ve been through, even with a better sense of understanding about what caused it, and even with a better, more caring doctor. I just wish they’d posted all this online. I mean I didn’t have to play the kind of all-day phone tag I had to play with the old doctors, but I guess they have to verify things first. I’m waiting for her to call back with specific instructions. Really surprised my TSH is 27. I thought it’d be about 22-23. As the doctor said, though, anything under 10 is acceptable.

Any second now that garage door is going to open up and the racket is going to begin. I will then have to choose between sawing and white noise. sighs with frustration It’s just insane and I can’t help but wonder if he even realizes just how loud he is or if he even cares. He used to do this just occasionally, not all day, every day. I keep hoping that it will drop back to once or twice a week even though that is still a bit overkill, but I have a feeling it won’t stop until the heat rolls in a few months from now.

Anyway, being back in the living room has its pros and cons. On the positive side, it is in line with the Wi-Fi, and it is a lot farther away from Tom when he’s sleeping. This way I don’t have to worry that I’m doing anything too loud, even though he’s a heavy sleeper. I also won’t have the washer and dryer running just a few feet from me, or a future litter box a few feet behind me. Lastly, this is a much nicer-looking room, and it’s further from that mutt that goes off just beyond the park wall.

The negatives are that it’s harder to roll my chair on plush new carpet than vinyl flooring, I’m closer to next door, and it’s a bit more visually distracting in here with 6 huge windows in front.

Andy should be taking off for Tampa in half an hour. He probably won’t arrive till I’m about ready to crash. I hope they keep him busy and well-entertained till we get our connection fixed. At first I thought it had to do with upgrading to OSX Yosemite, then I thought it had to do with Java. Now, however, it looks like we have a newcomer on our frequency, which disrupts things. Especially when I go to sites that are either far away, have heavy graphics, or shit for servers.

Last night I jumped in the car with some guy in my dreams complaining that my hair was still wet after I’d washed it a while ago. He seemed to be amazed that it was still wet.

Then I was cooking food at this little concession stand in the middle of some crowded place. I wasn’t cooking anything intricate or anything like that, just warming up macaroni and cheese and things like that. This young girl with long straight blonde hair sat down on a stool at the counter to have some macaroni and cheese. The meal cost $5 and I guess it was my own store because I knew that the customer’s money was mine to keep. The girl was obviously a regular and I asked her how she would feel about eating macaroni and cheese for lunch every day. “I love macaroni and cheese,” she said. So I knew I at least had a regular $5 that I could count on from her.

In another dream, I appeared to be in a huge and crowded building. I think an event like a show of some kind was going on. Someone there was telling me they were heading back to Europe soon. Everyone had taken their shoes off during the show, but afterward, I was singing along to a tune in my head while we all put our shoes back on and then proceeded to leave the building. It seemed like Kim might have been with me all of a sudden. The Kim that I knew back east. We passed by a huge window and could see a huge and vivid rainbow in the sky. I excitedly exclaimed, “Frau Regenbogen! That’s me! Frau Regenbogen knows her name! Sie weiß!”

So that’s it for dreams. In reality, I am enjoying the few remaining hours of peace before the barrage of landscaping and woodworking sounds come to distract the shit out of me. We set up the Windows laptop/tablet so I can hibernate in the bedroom and use it in there when the guy starts his shit. It’s been terrible. Shit starts up shortly after 10 a.m. and doesn’t stop until after dark. This has gotten way too extreme for any neighborhood, let alone a retirement community.

We are definitely going to have to complain about this guy. The question is how to do it without getting into trouble ourselves. You know how people are… no matter how right you may be, you are always taking a risk whenever you complain about someone/something or try to fight for what’s right. The problem is that everybody’s buddies with everybody here, so nobody’s going to say anything unless he literally started doing this 24/7. Although this guy is at the edge of the park, unfortunately, there are no houses behind the wall that runs behind him, and he is not close to any other streets. So he is going to know that whoever complained lives on this street, even if we figure out a way to complain anonymously.

The guy is white so he can’t play the race card, but how the hell do we know that he isn’t best buds with a cop or something like that? We know firsthand what can happen, and again, it doesn’t matter how right you may be. People have a way of reacting as if you’re asking them to kill each and every one of their loved ones slowly and painfully, and not actually making a totally reasonable request of them. It’s happened to me before and it’s happened to others as well. So we have to really think this through otherwise I will simply have to learn to live with it and hope that it backs off when the weather warms up. It’s just that we’re still months away from any warmth coming to the rescue. And who knows? Maybe this guy can stand the heat. Bob sure can.

I heard movement at Bob’s place this morning, but no loud tools or machinery yet. I’m just tired of being run from room to room in this place. Run out of the living room. Run out of the laundry room. What happens when I’m boxed in by this shit and there’s nowhere left to run to? Pull the plugs on the instruments of torture and strangle them with the cords? I’d love to, but as we know, that’s pure fantasy.

Later…

Writing prompt… If you could change one thing about your present life, what would it be?

That is so hard to really say what I would change because I have lived many years now and I’ve had so many experiences. Our lives are like one huge book where there is always room for editing. But since I am being asked about my present life, I think I would give myself a brand new thyroid that worked perfectly well on its own. If I couldn’t do that then I would make this park a quieter place to live, with less annoying daytime distractions.

Writing prompt… If you could go back in time and change one thing from your past, what would it be?

Well, unless I could have been born to an entirely different set of parents, I would have made my own parents much better parents than they actually were if I could have. If not, I would then definitely not have gone to court 15 years ago when summoned to. I had a bad feeling that there was corruption involved and that I would be screwed over if I did go, and I was. Had I listened to my gut I wouldn’t have lost 6 months of my freedom, thousands of dollars, and suffered a world of mental anguish and frustration beyond belief. Instead, I stupidly walked into the trap they had waiting for me. Lesson learned, though, on ignoring what our gut instinct tells us.

Writing prompt… What was your favorite toy?

Probably my Barbies. I could spend all weekend playing with my dolls and all their little outfits and dollhouses that they lived in as a kid. Especially during the brutal winter months when I wasn’t outdoors making snowmen or snow angels.

Writing prompt… Did you ever get lost as a kid?

It wasn’t so much that I got lost as opposed to that my family lost me. We were all at the exposition one summer, an amusement park not just with rides, but with several vendors set up selling things as is the case with most amusement parks. I don’t know how the hell my parents got into this, but they had a booth set up where they were selling cheese.

At one point I ended up in the Coliseum engrossed in watching the circus. I was under the understanding that my parents knew exactly where I was, but when I returned to them I found my mother in tears talking to the police. I guess they must have thought I either got lost or had been abducted.

Writing prompt… Who was your best friend in elementary school?

That would be Jenny. I was 9 years old when we met and she was 10. Like most kids, I was willing to be friends with just about anybody. Had I had the wisdom I have now as a child I probably would not have bothered with her because she was so bossy and domineering and just plain selfish. It was Jenny’s way or no way. I didn’t have a very strong backbone of my own back then and so I let her lead while I followed.

We were friends into our early twenties when she decided to dump me because I had too many problems for her to deal with. She was the type that could only handle those who were all fluff and sunshine. I was still young and so I resented her for this at first, but later came to realize it really was all for the best since we were just two totally different individuals and she had never really been a true friend to begin with. We did have some fun and funny moments along the way and so I remember that instead of just what a stingy bitch she came to be with very little compassion and understanding for others, not to mention a bad influence on me. She’s the one that got me started smoking, though I managed to quit in 1997.

Writing prompts… Did you ever run away from home as a kid?

I did. But it was only to the playground of the Jewish Community Center, and it was only for a few hours. My 13-year-old self finally started getting cold and realized that even though her mother was the biggest bitch on earth, she couldn’t just stay out there and sit on the swings for the rest of her life either. I would need to eventually eat. I would need to brush my teeth. I would need to drink a glass of water. I would need to take a shower. And I would also need a much more comfortable place to sleep than the frozen ground of the playground that was lightly dusted with snow.

The appointment with my new endocrinologist went well, yay! She was very nice and way more informative than any other doctor I’ve seen so far. Finally, after all these months, I have learned what happened to me last summer. It makes me even more resentful of Doc C and especially Doc D for not warning me beforehand and explaining things to me better. Instead one told me to keep taking a dose that was too high for me while the other wanted me to go to a shrink. From what I read online, though, it is actually quite common for doctors to tell patients having the same symptoms I was having that they’re just anxious. Even if some of us know our bodies and what’s normal for us, and that suddenly becoming insanely anxious when life is better than ever certainly isn’t normal for us.

So why did my heart suddenly take off booming and send me into 4 months of the anxiety from hell? I probably had what’s known as pocket flares. This is the first time I’ve heard of the things, and had I known about them beforehand and that they’re not dangerous, I may not have freaked out so much and been so traumatized.

I thought that the thyroid died off as a whole and that what may remain active pretty much stays that way once you start medication. Wrong! The thyroid dies in pockets. She could actually feel them when she “strangled” me. Should one of those pockets flare up while you’re on a higher dose, that’s what can cause the God-awful effects I was having. It will take 1-5 years for my thyroid to die off completely as the active pockets burn out. It’s a slow burn, which means that I could be years away from getting my dosage settled, and as she said, which is the only bad thing she told me, it could happen again as they slowly increase my dosage. But instead of telling me to keep taking something that’s making me feel like I’m going to die and telling me to come in to see her either right now or in 3 months, she will care enough to get me in for blood work right away so that they can get me more comfortable ASAP.

I can’t believe the other doctors didn’t know what was going on. Why they didn’t want to deal with it correctly, though, is beyond me. My old endo sent a letter saying she was relocating to SoCal (like I care), so maybe she knew last spring and just didn’t care to really invest in her patients. As for Doc C, she was just young and inexperienced, I guess.

Back when I first started having problems last summer and thought I had accidentally double-dosed, I also didn’t know that even if I had, it wouldn’t have hurt me because of the way levothyroxine takes time to build up in the body. It takes 2 weeks for the T4 to settle in which is how much of the thyroid hormone is in your blood, and 6 weeks for a proper TSH reading, which reads how well your thyroid meds are doing what your thyroid can no longer do on its own. She’s still waiting on the results of my last blood test but expects to have me bumped up to 50 mcgs. After that, rather than just jump me to 75 mcg, she may go somewhere in between and see how I do on that.

I stressed to her how horrifying it was to have my heart booming and the other symptoms I had, which were caused by the extra adrenaline being pumped through me, and she noted that I was now traumatized by the ordeal. She then explained how she once accidentally bashed her thumb with a hammer and how it hurt to write without lifting her thumb up. Several months after the pain had stopped she was still raising that thumb and said to herself, “Why do I still have my thumb up?”

I get her point, LOL. In other words, put my thumb down. I feel like I’m in good hands now, they’re watching me, and they’re not going to brush me off and make excuses for me should I experience problems again. I just hope the rest of my thyroid dies off real fast so the risk goes away! To think I could have those problems over the next half a decade is a bit unnerving. But now I know that my body will continue attacking and killing my thyroid till it’s totally dead. The body creates antibodies when it thinks you have a disease (my dumb-ass body thought my thyroid was a disease) and begins to attack and destroy, which is what makes it Hashimoto’s, an autoimmune disease.

The good news is that my thyroid is not enlarged like I feared it might be and I should never need it removed. I guess I also won’t have to have ultrasounds every 6 months either.

She didn’t press on my stomach as the other endo did, but she did one of those reflex tests on the knee to make sure there was no nerve damage from the thyroid itself, and there isn’t.

She also had me hold my hands straight out in front of me like the other one and asked about my skin. I told her it was a bit dry, and of course I always have ridges in my nails, too.

She asked about hair loss as she gently tugged on it. I told her it stopped falling out as much, and she said it still comes out easily. LOL, yeah, I’m sure I’d end up bald in a good hair-pulling fight. It’s still a bit thin by my forehead, too. It appears thick overall, though, because it’s curly. It used to be insanely thick, but between age and this disease, it definitely has thinned out.

I first thought, even though I felt a bit overwhelmed by the initial diagnosis, that this would be a simple disease. I thought it would be as simple as taking a pill every day and that all would be fine. Instead, it’s a nasty, complex disease with potentially terrifying effects that takes time to tweak and fine-tune.

She was funny a couple of times. First she guessed by my accent that I was from Minnesota and then from New York. When I told her I was from Massachusetts, she told me she lived there for a couple of years.

Another funny thing was when she said, “You’re not crazy. You’re not old.”

Well, Doc C sure thought I was the first one, haha. She was so nice and so good-looking otherwise, but being competent is much more important than looks and niceness. Of course no one wants anyone who comes off as compassionless as Doc D did either.

I have really come to realize just how selfish Andy is. Ginger is this woman who lives in his complex whom he describes as being lonely and talkative. He said he’s been avoiding her phone call because she does nothing but “talk senseless shit.” In other words, she won’t let Andy do the talking or at least talk about what he finds interesting. That would be my guess anyway. In a way, I can relate to him. After all, I did recently blow off calling Paula because I don’t want to hear her ramble on about the same old shit and not let me get a word in edgewise.

That’s not it, though. I mentioned having to see my endo and do I get asked how it went? No, of course not. Instead, it’s all Andy, Andy, Andy. He’d be all ears if it had been a Stevie Nicks concert I’d attended, but being about something he can’t relate to and doesn’t care about, it’s all about his life on Facebook instead.

I don’t know what he sees in Facebook now that he is able to get back on, but isn’t allowed to “like” or post anything. All he can do is send messages. He’s going to Florida in a couple of days for 4 days, but says it’s going to be raining there the whole time and expects to be on the Kindle just as often. As fun as he may find Facebook, it’s still too bad that he can’t be busy doing things he doesn’t normally do when he’s at home.

Later…

We’ve got a light rain going out there right now, but even so, the landscapers were around earlier, and shortly after 10am, as is obviously the new daily tradition, the fucking cock down the street started up with the circular saw and I’m sure it will be an on and off thing till sundown. I’d love to complain to the office about it. But A, I know they won’t do shit about it and will just call it regular daytime noise he has a right to sic on me, and B, I don’t want them to spite me for it somehow. As I once learned the hard way… complain about someone and you just may be brutally surprised by what nasty connections they may have. It would take the whole block to complain about him for it to be stopped and that certainly isn’t going to happen. Just gotta get used to it, I guess, and get in the habit of putting the sound machine on by 10am. Just like I had to live with Jesse’s mutts, I will have to live with supposedly old and feeble people’s saws, hammers and other shit. Maybe it will back off in the summer heat. Until then, all activities requiring a quiet background like language studies must wait till nighttime.

I first considered the 3D printer a waste of money, but its fun and helpful possibilities are pretty amazing. Tom printed out a small shelf to put on the living room walls for his Wii remotes and controls.

Last night I had a dream that I was in some room and I heard them say on TV that some show that I had looked forward to watching was to be canceled that night. I don’t know if I was watching on a big screen TV or on a computer.

There were these two guys in the room with me and they made me uncomfortable for some reason. I quickly got up and went into another room and then to my bedroom, which was very dark. There were two doors to this bedroom and I shut one behind me as I entered the room and then reached through the darkness to shut the other one. I decided in my mind that if one of the guys asked me why I took off all of a sudden, I would just say I was sad because I missed my parents. But that is all I remember of the dream.

I had another wonderful daddy memory yesterday that randomly popped into mind. I was in my early twenties when he and some other guys helped me move into an apartment. I was trying to talk to him about how bothered I was by the way Mom treated me. Did I get any sympathy or understanding? No. Did I get told that he would talk to her? No, of course not. Instead, he had the nerve to tell me that that was his wife I was talking about, and if I kept it up he would walk away.

Yeah, he would choose his wife over his daughter, the fucking bastard. Really hope he and his precious wife are rotting in hell right along with their son. I have no more respect for enablers than I do the actual perps. That’s why I can’t stand God. I feel that He is just as much to blame for sitting back and letting it all happen.

I saw a documentary on third-world slums on 3 different continents, Asia, Africa and South America. It was absolutely horrible to see the pitiful conditions that these people live in. Even the worst slums in the US are heaven compared to these dumps. And no, they aren’t all lazy, drunk or on drugs, but more like unfortunate victims of circumstance.

Where my bleeding heart stops bleeding is over the fact that there’s no fucking excuse for the numbers to be so high as far as how many people are living like this. If they could just stop fucking breeding, the numbers of those suffering would drop drastically. It’s that simple. I just don’t understand these people, though. They may not have access to birth control, but a little common sense goes a long way. No, it’s not a hundred percent foolproof to pull out and not have sex at the most vulnerable times, but they could at least cut the number of people suffering down dramatically if they only thought of how cruel it was to be bringing kids into that type of a world in the first place and not just thinking of themselves only.

As for dumping Nutrisystem, OMG! I will never deal with those overpriced pushy assholes again. I called their 800 number and the nosy bitch kept asking me why I wanted to cancel. I told her that while most of the food was good, I have Hashimoto’s disease, so I’m not going to lose more than just a few pounds unless I nearly starve myself, something I don’t want to put myself through, of course, as it’s not healthy and it only leaves me feeling both hungry and tired. It seemed like nothing I told her was good enough for her.

Then she suggested talking to a counselor about diabetes and all that and I said, “Look lady, I said I had Hashimoto’s, not diabetes.”

Then she comes out and tells me that the amount we paid was for two orders and that if I chose to cancel now we would be charged an additional $84 for shipping and other things. I don’t remember seeing this written anywhere, although one such Nutrisystem member who has given me tips and pointers and advice in the past said that it is stated. I don’t know if it was written in such fine print that I was blind to it or if I just wasn’t paying much attention, but that doesn’t change how ridiculous the whole thing is.

I will return to eating as sensibly as I can and keeping active most days of the week. That is all I can do in my case. I’m 99 percent sure that I will never be under 145 pounds again in my life unless I am deathly ill, but the 20-30 extra pounds I’ve got won’t kill me. I will just use common sense and leave the rest to fate.

Writing prompts… My favorite Sunday ritual.

I didn’t really have a Sunday ritual as a kid or even as an adult. For the most part, I see Sunday as a day to relax, just like most people do. As a child, I would enjoy not going to school, and being able to play with my toys instead. As an adult, I enjoy having my husband home those days. Some days we do things together and other days we do our own thing.

Writing prompt… Holiday traditions I’ve looked most forward to.

I loved having my birthday and celebrating Hanukkah as a kid because like most kids, I loved getting presents. Even so, I think my favorite holiday was always New Year’s Eve. It was the one night I could stay up way past my bedtime and pretty much do anything I wanted. It was a tradition for me to watch the ball go down in Times Square, usually with my sister who was much older than me. I still watch it as an adult when I am able to. To me, New Year’s Eve always represented the start of a new year and new possibilities. It’s like wiping a canvas clean and then starting anew with a blank one.

Writing prompt… Things I did with my Dad when I was small.

Unlike my mother, my Dad noticed what interested me. Being much more patient and tolerant than my mother, he would take me to record stores to gather my favorite songs at the time and things like that. He would often get me magazines featuring my favorite celebrities too, while my mother couldn’t care less what I was into back then.

Writing prompt… Things I did with my Mom when I was little.

Most of the things I did with my Mom were to be forced to endure her constant criticism and negativity. I couldn’t really be myself around her. I had to be what she wanted instead. There really aren’t any activities in particular that I remember doing with her other than necessary tasks like her taking me to school and things like that. Nothing special in a really memorable way.

Writing prompt… If you could have dinner with anyone currently alive, who would it be?

I think I would have to say Alison, one of my closest cyber friends. It’s only a matter of time before I see my friends and family again, yet I have never met Alison and I think it would be really neat if we could meet, so right now she is the one I would choose to have dinner with.

Writing prompt… If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

Probably Hawaii. We stayed in Ka’anapali on the island of Maui and it was absolutely gorgeous. Not just the weather, but it had such a relaxed, laid-back atmosphere. The place was alive with color and everything about it seemed wonderful except for the costs.

Yesterday was a fun and relaxing day that turned frustrating. I was sitting at my computer when all of a sudden I heard it… that damned dreaded saw. But I knew right away it wasn’t Bob or the guy at the end of the street. There’s a couple with a garage in back of the house sort of where the street forms a T that I’d never known to join in the sawfest as of yet despite having a garage. Sure enough, though, now I got this cock to have to listen to, too. Tom says he has heard him before, but he does this very rarely and not for hours like the others.

As I’ve said a million times before, I didn’t come here for this shit! These people are supposed to be old, feeble, and pretty much unable to do things. Why are they all out sawing instead? Everyone with a garage uses them as workshops, including one that doesn’t have a garage. That’s 5 fucking people on our tiny block. This is NOT what I would think of when I would think of retirement communities! Every other day lately someone’s been sawing. Pretty sure the corner guy will be at it today, though we’ll be gone most of the morning. Doesn’t matter. He’ll still be at it when we get back. That cock doesn’t stop till sundown.

Fucking male neighbors! No wonder I’m so sexist with few exceptions. Yes, I’ve had some noisy female neighbors, but they are NOTHING compared to the males.

My left purple glitter shoe still pinches my big toe. It probably has something to do with that ingrown toenail. If Doc C had done it right the first time, then it would probably have been fine. I could wear them to walk into a doctor’s office or the lab and home, but not for walking around Walmart and things like that.

They gave Tom a projector at work that we’ve been playing around with. The problem is there isn’t enough space to project onto in here. As big as this house is, the walls are all filled up with things… shelves, stickers and other wall hangings. It’s still cool to have and it’s worth hundreds of dollars.

Had some weird dreams last night. In one, my sister and I, along with other people, were at what seemed to be a huge house. We sat on a long bench watching a reality show on a big-screen TV. I was fascinated by this one part of the show where they pulled a surprise on its host. I still smoked too, and some young girl to the left of me casually took a cigarette from the pack of smokes I had sitting on the bench between us. I didn’t seem to mind that she’d taken one of them. I then pulled one out also, and the girl pulled a lighter from the pocket of her jeans, lit my cigarette and then hers.

Tammy, who had been sitting to the right of me, had been talking to someone else. When the person she’d been talking to walked away, I said, “You’ve got to see this. It’s amazing.” I started to back up to the part of the show that had me all excited, then I said something like, “I’m really hard to impress. So if I’m this impressed, you will be, too.” But try as I would, I couldn’t find that part of the show, LOL.

In the second of three dreams I remember, I was floating on the ocean. Eventually, the sun set and I quickly looked up to see if I’d drifted too far from shore, but I hadn’t. I got out of the water to find Tom standing on the beach happily chatting with a black couple that was perhaps in their 50s or 60s. Tom introduced us and we shook hands. Then Tom took off running really fast around the nearest cottage, which was very small. It seemed to be some part of a game or a test he was doing with the couple. I woke up running behind him and shouting, “Have you got my purse?”

The last dream wasn’t good at all. Some guy kidnapped me and he must’ve either snuck a drug in my food or drink to subdue me or he wasn’t someone I could attack and defend myself against. I don’t know why he took me, who it was, where we were, or what he did to me. He seemed to be holding me somewhere above a mall. One day he went out and I managed to escape. I grabbed my belongings, including a cell phone and ran down to what I knew was his store. I started taking things, including a key that sat on a counter that I knew was to his mailbox or something. I guess I liked the idea of inconveniencing him, even though he could get a new key if he didn’t already have a spare. Then I called the cops and reported the kidnapping.

Later…

Back from Home Depot where we looked at adhesive vinyl floor tiling. I found most of them to range from boring to ugly. We’re going to order what we want online where we’ll have more of a selection.

We also looked at appliances to get an idea of what front-loading washers/dryers we want, and what new oven we want, too. We don’t cook much, but it would still be nice to have something that’s not 31 years old. The thing is we can slap it all on our card and get it today, but I like to keep the savings way up there if I can help it. I’m just paranoid after all we’ve been through in the past.

We looked at smooth wallboard panels to put over these old paneled walls that you tape and texture to give the wall a solid smooth texture.

We bought a roller brush with a tube for loading paint into it, so you don’t have to keep dipping it in the pan. We’re waiting till the weather warms back up a bit to resume painting. No one wants to be cleaning out brushes when it’s 50° outside.

Then we went to Walgreens where I fed my nail and smellies obsessions. I got Angel and Swept Away perfume, plus this new nail polish in purple that’s supposed to have a velvet texture. I also got a light blue frosty polish.

I have much more to update on but will do so after my doctor’s appointment. Let’s just say that Nutrisystem makes canceling hell for you. I’ll never deal with them again!

It was barely after 9:30 and already I could hear some hammering. Can’t tell where it’s coming from, though.

Tom installed Yosemite for me on my Mac. I had been using Lion or Snow Leopard before. I like it better so far. This might be one of the last operating systems compatible with these 7-year-old Macs. I was thinking of getting either an iPad, a MacBook or a MacBook Air. I tried but I just can’t get used to the cheap Windows 8 tablet. It’s radically different than what I’m used to, and of course not as safe as Macs. Funny how I once swore I’d never give up Windows. XP was my favorite. But now I can’t imagine life without Macs. Just wish they weren’t so damn expensive! It’s going to cost around a grand to get what I want, but my phone and my Kindle aren’t enough for my needs. I want something that will let me do everything on it that I do on my desktop, only it needs to be portable so I can have the option of using it in any room in the house during the daytime when it’s noisy, and then I’ll use the desktop at night when it’s quiet.

I might move my desktop back out in the living room where I can’t hear the mutt just over the wall and the asshole that works in his garage every other day without having the decency to at least shut the fucking door. I know that means hearing Bob more often, but Bob doesn’t use power tools nearly as much as the other guy.

Also, if we really do switch from rats to a cat, I’d rather the litter box be in the laundry room than the living room, which are pretty much the only places they can go in this house. Well, I’m not going to want to be working on my desktop with a cat taking a dump just a couple of feet away.

We went to Walmart early yesterday morning, came home, put the groceries away, then headed out to the lab. Instead of being in and out, though, it took about a half-hour because there were more people there than usual since we didn’t get there when they first opened.

After the lab, we went to Sam’s Club, then spent the rest of the day relaxing. I watched a movie and did some editing, and that was pretty much it.

The only dream I remember is sitting outside with a couple of people. Maliheh walked by all sweaty and hot and asked me if I had a particular kind of juice. I said I didn’t, but offered her something else. I then climbed this ladder-like thing to get inside the house to get it, sarcastically wondering to myself if she’d be more likely to want to be my friend if I had the drink she wanted. In reality, I’d tell her to go fuck herself, of course.

Writing prompt… How easy is it for you to forgive those who have caused you pain?

Not easy at all. Experience has taught me all too well that the more forgiving I am, the more likely I am to be burned by the same people again and again. Because of this, I try not to be very forgiving. Chances are if you wrong me in some way, then you will probably not be forgiven or at least not allowed back into my life. Especially if it’s something big or it’s happened more than once. The more forgiving I am, the more it comes back to haunt me in the end, so I always try to be as unforgiving as possible while not expecting anyone to be perfect either.

Writing prompt… What is the dominant emotion in your life right now?

Happiness! It makes me happy just to be able to say that, too. Little bit of medication stress on me now as they tweak and fine-tune my dosage, but other than that I have no real complaints other than life’s usual annoyances. I am loved, I am healthy, I’m not poor, and I have all I need.