This park never ceases to piss me the fuck off. They have been turning our water off like crazy lately. Just when I was thinking how we managed to go two or three months without them turning the water off, they go and they turn it off like half a dozen times in less than a month. Usually, it’s off for an hour or two and then when I turn the water on it spits air, but is clear. This time the water was dark brown with dirt and I had to run the faucets and keep flushing the toilets several times to clear it out. Meanwhile, the toilets I just cleaned are now filthy.

I finally got fed up enough to call and blast out some guy who answered at the office even if it wouldn’t do me any good any more than it would to complain of landscaping and woodworking noise. I’m tired of these so-called emergencies that I am really contemplating deducting some of the space rent from the next payment and I wish that the other residents would consider doing the same thing. This is just fucking ridiculous! We’ve ended up playing more water games here – with a city sewer rather than a private well – than we ever did with Jesse or even in Maricopa. If it isn’t that then it’s noise annoyances. The only distraction I heard yesterday, though, was somebody getting their car worked on just outside the back of the house and then I guess they towed it away. I’m sure there’ll be tons of landscaping racket today, along with the fucking guy that likes to work in his garage.

Sometimes when I think of the measly 12 grand my parents left me it still pisses me off. I mean really. I know I’m supposed to be grateful for anything I could get and all that, but still…that’s not the point. It still bothers me that they not only chose to give most of what they had to their grandkids but that most people inherit so much more than that even if it’s not in cash. Seriously, 12K in the US is a joke these days and it was in 2012, too. It was as if it was one final insult on my parents’ part, even if it really wasn’t, and one last slap in the face from God. God might as well have said, “Haha, first I let them abuse you when they were alive and now you only get 12 grand.”

Yeah, well, He may think it’s pretty fucking funny and while I am thankful that the money helped get us what we wanted which was this house (it’s still quieter than the mainstream), knowing that your average person inherits either cash, homes, or possessions worth a hell of a lot more has a way of bothering me for some reason. It’s just another one of those things that has a way of making me feel singled out and picked on even if it shouldn’t. But as my therapist would say, I’m not going to apologize or feel guilty for the way I feel no matter who may consider it selfish.

Andy irritated me the other day (as usual). I didn’t mean to intentionally insult him with something I said to him. I’m not him. I don’t go out of my way to annoy, insult or gross out those I consider friends. Anyway, I guess I worded what I said wrong or he misunderstood. Either way, he felt insulted and said that if it were the other way around our friendship would be over. But he has insulted me in the past and I’m still here. Yes, I walked away for a few weeks a few years ago when he insisted I was making up my sleep disorder and when he defended some people that have screwed my husband and I in the past without knowing the full story. But I didn’t dump him when he insulted me in regards to my driving phobia and then my husband for his lifestyle and the fact that he likes to spend the bulk of his free time either alone or with me when Andy himself has few friends, admits he likes to be a loner, and has had his own trust issues. In our case, though, spending our time alone or together is more of a preference thing than a trust thing, not that it should matter if it’s what we like and want. Same goes for him and what suits his own needs and preferences best.

The reason I didn’t dump him was that he not only didn’t keep on doing it, but he realized it was wrong of him and he apologized to me for it, which I greatly appreciated. After all, we all have a right to be who/what we are so long as we’re happy and not hurting anyone, and he wouldn’t want to be judged for being gay or anything like that. So knowing full well what it’s like to be judged, picked on or criticized simply for being yourself, there haven’t been any problems. That’s why I didn’t dump him. It’s those who feel the need to constantly judge, condemn and insult me after I’ve let them know how I feel about it that I won’t put up with. Some might call it “giving up on friends,” but I call it having enough self-respect to walk away from those who can’t accept me as I am.

Although Andy and I have evolved into what seems like two totally different people in more ways than not, we’re able to accept that we don’t share many of the same beliefs or interests these days, and so be it. Acceptance is important to me. Especially after the kind of childhood I had where I was forced to be just about everybody and everything I was not. I don’t give a shit if someone likes orange soda. Just don’t expect me to drink the crap because you do. :)

Without meaning to, we all say and do things every now and then that offend our friends. It’s being able to realize it and not do it again that matters, not how perfect you can be all the time because no one is perfect.

I do wonder at times, though, if he does little things to deliberately annoy me or if he’s just that selfish. Like how he went on and on about celebrities while he was here and had to bring up blacks and ask Tom if his siblings keep in touch with him; something he should know the answer to. We hadn’t even pulled out of the train station parking lot when he was already mentioning God.

Writing prompt… Groups of favorites.

Favorite activities: Running, walking, biking, swimming, writing, reading, listening to music, studying languages, trying new things, sleeping, dreaming and most of all, spending time with my husband and pets, and keeping in touch with friends and other family members.

Favorite restaurants: I don’t really have any favorites but some of the ones I go to are Red Lobster, Denny’s, Mel’s Diner, KFC and Carl’s Jr.

Favorite people: My husband, my other family members that I am in touch with, and my friends. This includes those in cyberspace that I talk to regularly but have never met.

Favorite foods: Chinese and seafood are my favorite real foods. For snacks, I usually prefer something sweet as opposed to salty.

Favorite games: Not much of a gamer, but I do like Mahjong, Crazy Eights, Jezzball and solitaire.

Favorite drinks and beverages: I rarely drink alcoholic drinks, but when I do I usually just have wine coolers or something like that. My drinks usually consist of water, soda and coffee. I don’t usually have tea and juice very much, though sometimes I will have hot chocolate.

Favorite desserts: I love anything with caramel and chocolate, and I love cheesecake as well. For chips, I really like shrimp-flavored chips, Fritos, tortilla chips, Cheetos and Lays wavy potato chips.

Favorite websites: Prosebox, LiveJournal, Blogger, my-diary, NexusDesktop, Duolingo, Ask, Twitter, and I will only say Facebook cuz it’s where I keep in touch with those I’m closest to.

Favorite writers: Ruby Jean Jensen, Dean Koontz, John Saul, Mary Higgins Clark and Stephen King.

Later…

Got a busy few days coming up. Walmart and blood work today, various things tomorrow, and then Monday I have my endo appointment. Before seeing the doctor we’ll be looking at vinyl tiling at Home Depot and probably making other stops as well.

I had this sharp pulsating cramp in my chest yesterday, but since it was on the right side, that ruled out the heart. Then I felt it in my left lower gut. Someone said they get that when they’re low on iron. With my period in full swing, maybe I was.

Writing prompt… Saddest moments.

I know most people would say that one of their saddest moments in life was when they lost their parents. But that is not the case with me. My saddest moments were losing my first pet, a guinea pig, my mother sending me away, as well as the reality of knowing that I would not be able to touch my husband for half a year after the white-hating spiteful assholes and Arizona succeeded in setting me up so that I would do 6 months in jail. These were some of the saddest most depressing moments of my life.

For a while, I was even sad that I couldn’t have a child and that my supposed right as a woman to choose was denied to me until the idea of a child wore off on its own.

Losing our house and land in Arizona as well as losing our land in Oregon was also a very sad time for me.

Writing prompt… Happiness.

Happiness to me isn’t just something big like winning a million dollars. Happiness can be something as small as enjoying a good cup of hot chocolate. It can be spending time chatting with Tom and it can be joking about something online with a friend of mine. It can be going out to eat or it can be enjoying the smell of the latest perfume I bought. It can be going to sleep on a full stomach and peace of mind, knowing that there are no money issues to fret about.

Happiness to me isn’t just material things, but peace of mind and a deep sense of security and contentment.

Writing prompt… How do you deal with anger?

Unfortunately, anger isn’t something I’m great at dealing with. I don’t go and beat the people up that piss me off, and I don’t go hurling furniture across the room when something angers me, but it’s hard for me to just smile and say, “Oh, well. There will be better days.”

I try to just let myself feel what I’m going to feel and not stifle my emotions. I also try to look for any positives to whatever/whoever set me off, but I won’t kid myself either. I won’t try to justify someone’s poor sense of judgment, actions or behavior. I won’t sugarcoat a bad situation like if our roof started leaking really bad. I won’t try to tell myself that whatever’s up there “had its reasons.” If it “had its reasons” for letting me get into a serious car accident that was the other party’s fault, for example, then those reasons couldn’t have been good, and I would be angry that its intentions were to bring me into harm’s way just as I would the person at fault.

I may shout, swear and think nasty thoughts about those that piss me off, but I try not to resort to any kind of revenge because that can not only get me into trouble, but it makes me look just as bad as the other person.