So glad nothing bad has befallen us since having a series of horrible dreams. This gives me hope that nothing bad will happen to Tammy in a couple of years.

Really hoping today is quieter but I know it won’t be. There have been landscaping sounds on and off every single day and it is so annoying. Just so, so annoying.

Last night I dreamed that someone was complaining about their hair being “broken.” I told them that mine was too, and showed them the short fuzzy hairs mixed in with the long ones that formed a sort of halo around my head.

Then I dreamed I was stranded on a small ship with some woman during a vicious storm. Eventually, the storm passed and the ship docked itself along a sandy beach while we had fallen asleep. We awoke to a whole different world and people wanting to make a movie of the adventure that supposedly brought me and the woman closer.

The park just had to pick a Sunday of all days to spoil the peace and have some trees removed around the park, three of them being by the Twenties’ place. They cut them down to mere stumps, so I saw when I was out on an early-morning power walk. I thought they were just trimming them. The noise was so annoying in here that I can just imagine how maddening it had to be for them. And the poor Twenties had just paid a couple of hundred dollars to have a couple of limbs removed. How he wishes he had waited! That would piss me the fuck off, too.

There was still some fun in the mix. We went back to the Echo thrift store and I got a small pet carrier that these rats would probably hate, but that may be a future rat of ours would like. It’s a pink zippered bag with black paw prints and a screened area so they get plenty of ventilation. Maybe I’ll see if Burke wants to go on the patio in it. I would think it would be safer than a harness.

I also got some colorful kiddy crap I don’t need, as usual, LOL. An Asian doll in a really pretty colorful kimono, a Barbie I really don’t want but that came with the Asian doll, and a colorful “furry” clutch.

He got some goodies as well.

Then it was off to get ice cream at Baskin-Robbins. He got chocolate chip cookie dough with caramel topping, and I got the baked waffle cone with hot fudge.

When I got a friend request from a guy I didn’t know, I asked him if we ever talked anywhere before and how he found me, planning to decline his friend request if he blew me off or gave me an answer I didn’t like. But it turns out he read the very first book I published and wanted to connect with me for links to future titles because he really liked the book. He said he totally understood, however, that not everybody was that sociable and that if I didn’t want to add him, that would be okay.

My first thought was that he might be connected to Maliheh who might be looking to see where the link is to that book which I mentioned was going to undergo massive editing in one of my emails to her about her hijacked account, even though that book has not yet been edited. If she was paranoid enough about her name being used to pretend to be my friend then she would certainly be paranoid when she knows I can’t stand her after the way she lied to me.

Just to be sure there was no connection, I logged out of my account and into Tom’s account to see if I could find her on his friend list, and I couldn’t. With over 3000 friends and everything I checked out about the account, Kevin P Smith in Washington State does seem legit. He added a couple of friends of mine, which I thought was a bit weird and that sometimes annoys me when friends do that, but from all appearances, I’d say he’s quite a friend collector overall. After all, no one has that many friends no matter how likable you may be. Yet he seems to have people on his friend list from all walks of life and many in his hometown.

The only other thing I thought was a bit weird is that if he could remember my name to look me up on Facebook, why couldn’t he have looked me up on Amazon? I gave him the link but he doesn’t appear to have gotten anything yet. I’ll keep a close watch on him but he does seem harmless. Besides, what could he do to me anyway?

It was cool to be added by a book fan. This is the first time I’ve been looked up on Facebook because I’m an author.

Once I’m sure I’m not going to hear from Kathleen, I may consider once again sharing journal links with Facebook friends, but I think it’s easier for now just to share unedited material with Tammy and let others go to the journal on their own which I’ll probably set back the public. There really isn’t any reason, I suppose, for it to remain MO.

But yeah, I’m having serious doubts about ever hearing from Kathleen. If a detention officer could blow me off and then my own therapist (along with countless others be it for potential friendships or more) then why wouldn’t my dentist’s office manager blow me off as well?

I created another account on my-diary where I could write a little more freely, not that it would be the end of the world if anyone figured out who I am despite my changing names. I discussed Kathleen a bit and asked if anyone had any opinions. They said they think she probably finds flirting at work a fun escape from a boring marriage but didn’t intend to actually act on those feelings. I totally agree, not that I want to get it on with her. But I believe she doesn’t really want to act on a friendship either. This is still assuming my gut feeling is right in the first place and that she’s not just a super friendly person.

I had a dream the other night that Tammy got some new job, and last night I dreamed that Andy called to wish me a happy birthday. Good luck with that. He doesn’t know this number.

Then we must’ve been renters in the mainstream because I was upset to learn that it would be unlikely that we would be able to get a manufactured home because we only made something like 28K a year. I was pretty pissed that he was being paid half of what he should be paid. But then he said he made 31K that year.

Then Tom asked me to throw something away and for some reason, I stumbled absentmindedly to the neighbors and began to dump whatever it was in their pail. By the time I realized what I’d done, I said to a young guy who was outside the house that anytime they needed extra space for trash, they could use our pail.

The last couple of days I had borderline anxiety and my heart got a little racy. It’s also starting to get a little too easy to lose weight and I’m kind of surprised I haven’t had the runs. To be on the safe side, I skipped my meds yesterday. I haven’t officially hit menopause yet and therefore my hormones could still be a bit out of whack, making me more sensitive to a lower TSH.

Still experiencing some pain in my mouth and still hoping I won’t have to make yet another dentist appointment to find out why. It’s like the harder I try to slow down the appointments, the more shit comes up. I want to be able to go a few months between appointments, not a few weeks. But now I may have to go back to the dentist as well as to a dermatologist. Not sure a dermatologist can help me, though, if my rashes are due to having an AI disease.

Speaking of which, I just finished running my journals from 1997 through Grammarly and read that my mother did in fact have low thyroid, high cholesterol, and diabetes. Her diabetes may have come from the fact that she spent most of her time sitting on her ass in front of the TV.

We picked up our new glasses yesterday. Mine is stylish and nice-looking for one who has to wear them all the time. I miss my perfect vision more than my slim body. When we were there I saw that they accept old glasses as donations. Wish I’d brought in my oldest pair. If someone who’s struggling financially can use them, great. Every time I get new glasses I weed out my oldest pair. I have several pairs scattered throughout the house… in the kitchen, in the bathroom, in the bedroom. My oldest pair is the ugliest. They’re brown single-vision lenses. I got them before we moved in here. I’ll bring them in when we go to get prescriptions.

Walmart gave us a bunch of free goodies when we picked up the groceries, which was nice. Especially after the way they screwed things up online so much. They go out of stock a lot, they mess up our favorites section, etc. Anyway, there was candy, oatmeal, a can of SpaghettiOs, a sponge, facial cleanser, hot chocolate, toothpaste, Chapstick, and a can of Starbucks strawberry lemonade soda.

Part of the stuff came in a Christmas stocking which I hung in the rats’ cage, even though they may be a bit big to burrow into it. These breeds don’t usually get as big as hoodies, but they are big boys.

I got my incense yesterday and I absolutely love it! It’s as fresh as the woman told me it would be and smells wonderful. I was surprised to find that the sticks were colored in lots of fun colors, and she also gave me nine extra fragrances. Fortunately, none of them have any kind of a citrus smell to them. The bags have large easy-to-read labels as well. I’m burning X-Tasy now.

Yesterday I got an idea when browsing Pinterest, a site that annoys me as much as I love it, for painting decorative rocks. I went out and got a fairly good-sized rock, rinsed it, and later I’ll take my nail art polishes and see if I can paint some flower designs on it.

I’d like to go out today but I don’t know where to go. The thing about having money is that I now have everything I could ever want or need (except for a house on the beach in Hawaii), so I don’t need to go shopping and I don’t like to eat out very much. Too many calories that way. Besides, we just got groceries. Maybe it’s time to look into that indoor skydiving place we saw.

Last night I dreamed that I went to a restaurant and was waiting for Tammy to join me. I had a baby Berkshire rat and an adult dumbo that was cream-colored with me. There were cutouts for windows but no actual windows in the openings. I looked out the “window” by the booth I sat in and spotted my father. I asked him to go get me a camera. He fetched me one in two seconds and I took pictures of the rats.

Then Tammy joined me and I said, “The reason I want to show you what Burke looks like is so you can see how soft and shiny he is being a brown-black color.” LOL

But the baby Burkey turned shy and decided to hide in a glass full of some powdery or sandy substance. Instead, she got to meet the cream Dumbo, haha. One of the last things she would ever want to meet.

In the last dream, the courts decided that I should do the remaining six months of probation that I got out of in Arizona. The only difference is that there didn’t seem to be as much time from when it ended. It seemed like within a year of being let go early, I sent Scott a letter thanking him for putting in a good word for me to get me off early, and then I was ordered to finish it and had to go back and see him. I believed it didn’t have anything to do with my letter to him, though why I let them order me around like that in this day and age is beyond me. I guess we just do weird things in dreams. It was strange too because I was contemplating making him some incense and giving it to him at our final meeting.

It’s now been four months since I had a period. Yes! I now see a faint sliver of hope that I could be done, but half a year will bring a bigger ray of light as far as hope goes.

Thank God I’m not having dream premonitions regularly like I was before we moved here. Again Tom died suddenly and unexpectedly in my dreams, despite having a good check-up the other day. His blood work was normal, his BP was good, and he was down 5 pounds.

I don’t know what killed him, but I was home alone walking by the bed he had just slept in just minutes or a few hours ago at most. I don’t know if I thought these words or said them out loud, but either way, they were something to the effect of, “Maybe if I could drive and had a job I would consider living on. I’m at the point in life where I don’t think I could get anyone, and even if I could, they’d never be like Tom.”

I would definitely not want to live a moment without him no matter how much money and transportation I had, along with a million hotties swearing that they didn’t mind my CRD and weirdness. There’s just no way I could stand such extreme depression. I would miss him and the things we would do together way too much to carry on.

It got me thinking and I really think we should get it gun when we move. Not for protection but so I can have a quick and convenient exit should he go first. Florida and Hawaii are much too hot for sending myself off with a carbon monoxide party. That method is a bit more complicated and I would be afraid I would fuck it up. But as long as I put the muzzle of a gun in the right spot, I’d be gone in a second. No having to worry about temperature, sealing windows, sealing vents, etc. Just BAM! And I’d be gone.

Anyway, I walked down to the lake and gave the dogs the last few pieces of the rats’ bread and finished the laundry. Tom should be up soon, then we’ll pick up the groceries in a few hours, and then pick up our new glasses.

One of the Twenties’ friends in Texas added me. Also in Texas is the perfect doll deal. Yeah, after months and months of research (I think TPE would be better than silicone) I totally wish we had that tax refund already! For just under 2k I can get a totally customized body with two heads, two sets of eyes, two wigs, two outfits, plus other things. I doubt they’ll have this promotion until February or March, though.

Today my very first journal entry - my very first serious one, anyway - is 30 years old. 30 years of journaling. Now that’s pretty impressive! I’m glad that I have tried, even if I didn’t want to stick them out and haven’t done them in centuries, many different things in life… singing, dancing, figure skating, languages, creative writing, instruments, drawing, painting, knitting, crocheting, plus things I’m probably forgetting.

We went out walking again in the wee hours of the night. No dog this time. I figured it was just an isolated incident. It better be, anyway.

Tom said Pawandeep had five cavities filled and this time she met an “older” dentist. LOL, so I guess my dentist wasn’t the one that she saw the first time. Because she didn’t have to drill very deep she didn’t numb her. I’m surprised. I didn’t know cavities could be filled without numbing.

Really hoping I’m not going to have to start skipping a few doses of my meds because yesterday I felt borderline anxious, as well as a little bit this morning. Hopefully, it’s just me being paranoid because my numbers are lower. I’ll start making skips if need be, though. Comfort will always take precedence over numbers.

My heart raced towards the end of the day yesterday and then I became so fatigued. I crashed early and ended up sleeping a surprising 11 hours. I was up a long time the day before and didn’t sleep long, so that’s probably why I slept a long time. Pretty sure my heart only got a little racy because I had just eaten quite a bit. The diet I’m on is almost a partial fasting diet but not quite. I’m still metabolically fucked, so I’m not doing anything extreme. Instead of multiple small meals, however, I find it easier to have 2-3 snacks and 2 meals, one in which I eat until I’m full.

Wondering if someone tried to hack my Facebook account because I got a notice from them saying they noticed I was having trouble logging in. No, I wasn’t. I stay logged in except for when I occasionally check Tom’s account. Maybe someone typed their email address incorrectly. I let them know, however, that I wasn’t having trouble trying to log in.

My incense arrived in Rocklin last night, so UPS should be delivering it today. With my shit luck, it will be after I crash, but we’ll see. Hopefully, I’ll be surprised.

Unbelievable. Just unfuckingbelievable. We went out walking shortly after 3 AM as we usually do before he has to work a few hours later. We were heading up from the back of the park when all of a sudden, this loud barking erupts. I was startled into a run, first thinking it was coming from over the wall and wanting to get away from the obnoxious sound. Then it hit me that it was awfully loud and close sounding to be outside the park, and I heard Tom say something. I stopped, turned around, and saw that someone’s mutt had been chasing me but stopped when Tom stopped. It took a few seconds for the thing to stop advancing and all the while I was thinking, “Come any closer and I’ll kick you. Just lunge at me and I will absolutely kick you to death, mutt.”

Seriously, had the fucking thing taken one more step towards me, I would have kicked the crap out of it, but then I’m sure Tom would have taken care of it first if it was determined to attack us like I thought it might at first. Afterward, though, he told me he was pretty sure that it wasn’t barking in an aggressive manner and that we were just a game to it much like people on bikes.

I don’t care, though. I don’t appreciate someone’s mutt charging me and barking its little ass off like that. How the hell was I supposed to know if it was going to attack or not? I don’t know this dog. My God, though, NO animal has never annoyed the fuck out of me like other people’s dogs have.

Anyway, the thing stopped when he stopped and sternly told it to go away. We heard some woman calling to it and eventually, it was smart enough to listen and back off.

First of all, the fucking thing exceeds the park’s size limitation, and secondly, why wasn’t it on a leash? I would have been absolutely terrified had I been alone, and I might have been because sometimes I do go out by myself. For a second I contemplated getting the house number and reporting them to the park, but as Tom pointed out, it’s the first time it ever happened. If it happens again, though, then you bet we’ll call the park. I’m fucking sick of people not controlling their dogs!

I wonder if it woke their neighbors up. It was quite loud. It may not be the dog’s fault that the owner was dumb enough not to put it on a leash, but maybe if someone ends up harming it if they get charged and bitten, it will teach the owner a lesson and set an example of why it’s important to control your damn dogs!

I just can’t believe it, though. I can’t fucking believe it. I’m being chased in the middle of the night by loose dogs in a gated retirement community. Wow. Just wow. Come on after me again, mutt.

Moondancer’s site was glitchy so I decided to order some incense from The Dipper. I’ll be getting 31 different fragrances in packs of 10. The fact that it was shipped today tells me it’s not freshly made, so I might not like it as much. It’s a good thing I didn’t get even more. I probably should have gotten less, but I’m sure I’ll like most of it. I’ll be trying the following fragrances:

African Sunrise
Almond Joy
Angel Essence
Baby Powder
Balsam Fir
Birthday Cake
Black Coconut
Black Love
Blueberry
Butt Naked
Butterfly Garden
CK-1
Carolina Herrera
Cedar & Saffron
Cherry Blossom
Cherry Vanilla
Chocolate Brownie
Chronic - Hip (don’t ask me what the hell this one smells like but I can’t wait to find out!)
Cinnamon Bun
Coconut
Cotton Candy
Dragon’s Breath
Dream Catcher
Egyptian Dragon
Enchanted Forest
French Vanilla
Kush
Lick Me All Over
Midnight Lover
Mulberry
Musk

Tom did his own research on incense, oils and supplies and came up with Nature’s Garden and they seem to have a good variety and reasonable prices. Looks like ordering should be easier too, because it’s just a list with a checkbox where you check what you want. With the others, you had to go to each one separately and it would take forever to order a larger quantity. They also let you create a wish list so you have the option of saving what you haven’t tried yet to it. They have something like 800 fragrances and knowing me, I’m sure I’ll want to try at least 600 of them over time, haha. They don’t sell incense, though, or blank sticks. They only sell reed diffusers. I would likely get sticks from someone else, but get oil from them because their prices are lower. You can get anywhere from 2 ounces to 25 pounds. I’m going to get their 2-ounce bottles which are $2.65 each but not right now. I’ll give them a try in a few months. If I go making and burning incense like crazy despite how much I love the stuff, I won’t be able to breathe.

I still have pain in my mouth. That can’t be right. Something’s got to be wrong. But if there’s anything up there trying to keep the appointments going, it’s not going to win. It’s weird because it sometimes seems to radiate from my upper jaw and down around to my lower jaw. Sometimes it comes on its own, but it’s usually triggered by food or drink.

They turned the water off later than they said they were going to, but I was going to bed at the time so it didn’t affect me in any way.

When I got up at 8:30 and was waiting till it was time to have coffee, I heard what I thought was either people cheering or kids screaming. My first thought was that the stroke house was blasting their fucking TV. But when I looked out the window I saw Trisha had four vehicles at her place. Birthday party or something? I thought I would be in for a lot of door slamming, but everybody left while I was in the shower.

After my first day of going back to eating four times a day every three hours, I’m down a pound. I’m going to see if I can do this diet until I see A, so no eating out for me until then. By the time I see the doctor, I should know if my body is able to lose more than just a few pounds or not without getting severely anxious. If it can’t, then it’s not worth doing this diet all the time except for when I creep up a few pounds like I just did.

I’d love to be under 150 when I see her but I don’t see how I could do that in just 40 days. That would mean I would have to wake up at 146 or 7 the day I saw her. I’m 154.2. The best I can do is 150 if this keeps working and I’m able to stick to it, and that’s a very big IF.

I’m trying really hard not to think in the realms of, “Sooner or later you’re going to get anxious as hell, and if you could just stand to stick it out, you’ll lose 10 pounds in no time.”

Regardless of how she acted when I saw her and what my gut feeling was saying, there’s absolutely no way Kathleen likes me. She may later seek me out as a friend (although I doubt it), not that we would have been more than friends either way. The point is that I guess I can’t always trust my gut instinct after all. I always sensed her niceness went beyond simple friendliness, but that obviously wasn’t the case. She would have remembered my name, remembered when I was scheduled to come in, bought my books unless she doesn’t have a Kindle or hates to read, and would have contacted me by now. If I really liked someone that much that told me to feel free to look them up, I would have at least contacted them and said that while I understood they may not be up to shopping anytime soon, I just wanted to say hi, etc.

Last night I dreamed I was walking along a beach. I walked along the shore which was flanked by hedges. When I noticed several bees flocking around the hedges it made me uncomfortable so I went out into the water.

Tom and I were in some building. I don’t know why or who it was, but we agreed to let this person know when we were ready to be picked up and taken who knows where. The way we were to let them know when we were ready to go was by waving a flashlight back and forth in the window.

I got to missing the gourmet incense that I would order hand-dipped upon request and even thought back to the days when I used to make and sell the stuff, too. Didn’t make much money at it but I sure had a lot of fun. Then my favorite supplier went out of business when the owner went to prison for molesting his daughter. I later found another supplier but eventually, times were tough and I gave it up for a while. Besides, the incense could sometimes make me congested and leave a messy residue on things when I would get carried away with it, having so much fun with all the different fragrances.

Good incense must be dipped and burned within a few months or less for maximum freshness. If anybody knows this, it’s me. A lot of the store-bought crap I’ve had lately has been sitting on the shelves for a lot more than just a few months and is mostly dried out and smoky. Therefore, I’ve been relying on oil diffusers, wax warmers, air fresheners, and perfumes to satisfy my obsession with good smells.

My last supplier’s still around and I browsed their site with its thousands of fragrances. Not thinking I would ever order again, I dumped the favorites list that I had accumulated way back when. I kind of regret it too, though I do remember some of them. They have everything from sweets, fruits, and flowers to designer perfumes and novelty fragrances.

It was cool how the old familiar terminology and stuff like that came back to me when I was browsing around. I checked out a do-it-yourself kit which comes with 1000 punks (blank bamboo sticks), cutter, and other things. I never cut my incense, though, always preferring it full strength for maximum richness. Cutter is basically scentless oil that you use to dilute the scented oils. With the kit I’ll eventually order, you get to choose five different fragrances. I’m going to go with Pink Sugar, one of my favorite perfumes, Lady Chocolate, Warm Vanilla Sugar, Caramel Velvet Cream, and Vermont Maple Syrup.

If you have the money for supplies, then making incense is pretty easy. You just need containers and drying space. You soak them for about a day in the oils and then you let them dry for a couple of days before you bag them. I would gather the sticks and tie rubber bands around the ends that don’t burn and leave them standing on a wad of paper towels. Tied like that they form a bit of a teepee, so they can balance themselves easily enough. One thing about making homemade incense is that your place will never stink of anything bad. Not pets. Not trash. Not anything. All you’ll smell is goodness.

After I have fun experimenting with Moondancer’s incense which will be just for me and just for fun, I will order supplies from SaveOnScents for my own enjoyment as well as to share with family, friends and neighbors. Probably Kathleen and my dentist, too. I might eventually sell it.

When buying retail it’s hard to get a good variety without spending a fortune, but for 50 bucks, including shipping, I’m going to be trying a whopping 408 fragrances from Moondancer. They sell them by the stick at nine cents apiece, so I got one stick per fragrance. It’s a treat I look forward to!

Just did a bit of housecleaning. I really do love this house even though it’s a little old and there’s more noise than I’d like in the daytime. The layout is ideal, though we’d gladly take an extra bedroom.

Even the colder weather isn’t always so bad because when I’m hot flashing I can step outside momentarily to cool off. Couldn’t do that in Florida, but I’m hoping that if we really do move there someday I’ll be long over that by the time it happens.

We’ve got another warm spell on the way. It’s going to be in the 80s all week and by the late afternoon, we could need the AC for a few hours.

After giving the rats the bones from my pork chop dinner I went out walking. This time I headed toward the back. I wore a T-shirt and it was 68°. I started off chilly and then I was glad I didn’t wear long sleeves. 10 minutes into a workout and you’re really feeling the heat. So by the time I hit the back of the park, I was plenty warmed up.

They painted the speed bumps so now they’re white instead of yellow.

Maybe this is a bit judgy of me, but how can so many abusive mothers say they “did their best?” Why not just come out and admit that you fucked up? If you’d done your best you wouldn’t have slapped your kids around. You wouldn’t have called them names. You wouldn’t have made them feel like worthless pieces of shit. You wouldn’t have made them afraid to go home after school. Maybe what you really did your best at was making piss-poor excuses for your behavior.

Been watching season two of Slasher and trying not to think of my much lower TSH numbers and the fact that if I were to have pocket flares now, I’d really be feeling miserable.

I’m back to backing up stuff on Dreamwidth which is automatically cross-posting to LiveJournal.

I’ve been feeling and sleeping so well lately that I’m not remembering much of my dreams. Something about being on vacation and dolls? Then there was something about some black people (the ones who screwed me in Arizona?) getting a dog that I had wanted. I was bitching about it as I was walking by their place with Tom and he got paranoid, telling me to lower my voice so I didn’t get beat up. I just laughed. Unless a whole group of them came at me, I told him, I wasn’t the least bit scared.

I’m a little lightheaded and I hope it’s only because of the sugar I’ve had. I almost feel like I have a slight cold. First day I haven’t had to take anything for tooth pain, so that’s good.

Last night I dreamed we had a huge shower stall and there was a couch in it. I was struggling to push it away from the spray of water so I could get myself wet more easily and not have the couch get all wet and smelly.

Then I was testing some allergy powder and discovering nature sounds on this weird little radio.

Fortunately, nothing bad has happened to me since having that nightmare about the runaway car.

In one of last night’s dreams, I’m not sure if it was a wild rat or a rat that had been our pet that we couldn’t keep for some reason, but something forced us to dump this really friendly rat. We were heartbroken over it. We were out walking, although he might’ve been on a bike, and the poor thing was following us. We moved quickly to try to lose it and it was just so sad.

In another dream, it was nighttime when I came across an iPad and some other device (a phone?) sitting on the trunk of a car somewhere. I somehow knew that someone had gotten a hold of the iPad to stalk the owner of it and mess with their accounts.

Then I dreamed that I set up a Twitter account in my name, reached out to Aly and said that it had been a long time since I’ve been on Twitter and that I just wanted to say hello. When I woke up it hit me that she may have some kind of tracker tracking her Twitter visitors. That may be how she made the Krista account, even though I’m not sure that would be enough of a giveaway. I’m not the only one in this area. She’s got to be doing something. I don’t see how just “being good with people” is enough.

LOL, maybe every month I should set up an account and do something similar to both her and Kim just for shits and giggles. It would be a monthly thing because after I contacted them I would deactivate the account and wouldn’t be able to use the email tied to that account for 30 days. I could use my Yahoo addy.

Anyway, the laundry is done, the groceries are ordered, and we went on a walk earlier. Not much else is going on. We got an hour of rain last night, but no additional leaks.

I went out walking around the circle really late last night and the loud car wasn’t there. Haven’t heard it since I’ve been up either.

Walmart really pisses me off. First, the favorites disappeared and then they added things back to the favorites that we deleted.

The park will be turning the water off on Tuesday from 9 AM to 1 PM. I should be asleep through most of that time.

Tammy shared a few pictures of Mark as the active shooter for the drill they conducted at work, but clearly, the bright green gun was fake. But wouldn’t people react differently if they knew it wasn’t the real thing as opposed to if they knew it was? I’m glad for his sake that it was obviously fake because you never know if someone carrying a concealed weapon may shoot him.

Another person borrowed Beneath the Smile from the KOLL, but they only read two pages. The first borrower is still at 18 pages.

I still wonder if I’ll really ever hear from Kathleen and I often go through the reasons why I think I will and why I think I won’t. Maybe she’ll surprise me like my thyroid numbers, but I highly doubt it. Can’t say for sure if she’s attracted to me or just unusually friendly, but I still say I won’t hear from her either way. I’m okay with whatever happens, though. There are pros and cons to both. Not having to worry if she’s going to screw me over and having to match schedules to do things together would be definite pros to not hearing from her. I’ve also become more private as far as letting others see inside our house. Nothing wrong with being a bit eccentric like I am, but I think a lot of shit in here is just too weird for most people to handle, LOL. I would hide some of it, though, if I knew I was having company. Not because I would be embarrassed but because I wouldn’t want to make others needlessly uncomfortable, just like I would want them to care enough to keep any big dogs they may have away from me if I visited them.

I have some pretty amazing, shocking, hopeful and even scary news. I got up, did my thing in the bathroom, and was about to take dream notes which were quickly forgotten when I saw I had a message from Dr. A’s nurse. My first thought was, oh no! Already? It hasn’t even been 24 hours since I was at the lab!

I wondered if something could be wrong since I didn’t see how my TSH could still be in the teens unless something went very wrong with the gland itself. I called the nurse and she shocked the hell out of me by telling me my thyroid was better and that my TSH is now only 6.75 which is almost normal! My T4, which has always been normal, is at 1.4. This was quite a surprise but definitely a little scary because my TSH is only three points above when I had the last severe anxious reaction when my old endo tried me on 88’s two years ago. If my T4 hits 2.0 or higher, all hell could very well break loose, even though I’m feeling amazingly calm right now. It gives me hope that if I am through the worst of the perimenopause then I can one day have a normal thyroid without the killer anxiety. It goes to show, though, that while the medication itself has been a problem at times, the peri likely was a huge factor. The doctor and the nurse know, however, that if I feel any anxiety coming on I’m going to make skips. Fortunately, TSHs rise much quicker than they fall, so just a few skips can kick me up to the teens. So as long as I don’t let it get really bad if the anxiety comes on, I should recover within a week instead of a few months.

Dr. O wasn’t kidding when she said there was more going on than just my thyroid and the medication. Other factors like tachycardia, ADD, pocket flares and the perimenopause I didn’t realize I had gone into at the time. Levothyroxine is still a MAJOR stimulant and it’s a long-acting drug so some of us have to be careful.

A part of me wishes I didn’t know what my numbers are now because now I might worry at the slightest hint of anxiety, even if I know now I can just make a few skips to feel better. I just worry about getting anxious in the first place. Again, this isn’t the kind of anxiety one might feel if they’ve got to go to the dentist or something like that. It’s the most god-awful feeling in the world. The nurse said she didn’t think my TSH would drop any lower but I’ll be tested again in December.

I just try to remind myself that numbers are just numbers and it’s how I feel that matters. And also that it’s the same shit my body makes anyway, and I was normal once, after all, and even below normal when I had Graves’ disease. I just didn’t have the peri going on at the time and I was a lot younger, so I’m still a bit nervous about it. Especially after that nightmare, I had a couple of nights ago.

I was so excited, happy and amazed that despite the part of me that’s a bit worried, I balled my eyes out when I hung up from the nurse. All I could think was OMG, after three years of hell my thyroid is almost normal with NO anxiety. Yay!

So excited was I that I decided to call Tammy and give her the good news. While she was no doubt thrilled for me, I could tell something was wrong. I could hear it in her voice. I’ll get to that in a minute but first, I asked her if she thinks I’ll get any more periods, and she said I might get a few more spotty ones. Well, I’m definitely not going to get my hopes up too high and assume I’ll never get another period and that I’ll never be anxious again. I may have broken my period record, but not my anxiety record yet. I’ve only been able to go 4-5 months without anxiety. It hasn’t even been a month yet since I had to make my last skip on September 21, though it has been since July 5 since I ran for the Lorazepam. I have to make it to next spring without anxiety before I can really start to see the first ray of light.

There’s a 75% chance that it’s going to rain tonight, so hopefully, the roof won’t leak. Tammy said she heard it’s going to be a dry winter for us and Tom said he heard the whole country is to have a mild winter. I sure hope so!

So Tammy and I talked, even with Alexa thinking I was telling her to blast some rock music for the occasion. I had to jump up and shut her up, LOL.

Tammy describes her life as a “living hell.” I keep hoping that things will get better for her, but her surgery was a bust and they’re now totally sure she has Sjogren’s. So that makes three autoimmune diseases that are all a hell of a lot worse than Hashimoto’s and harder to treat. When I asked her how she lost weight it wasn’t any special diet she went on but that she simply doesn’t want to eat. In fact, she has eaten so little that she almost went into her second diabetic coma. The only good thing she had to report was that her heart is holding steady. So that much is good.

Becky has had tremendous pain in her jaw and arm, and they were both furious, understandably, because the surgeon didn’t suck out her lungs properly and she ended up with bleeding and severe breathing problems. I guess she’s going to be going on partial disability or something like that because she’s not going to be able to return to work as soon as expected. Sarah, on the other hand, is working like crazy to help make ends meet. I was so glad to hear that Tammy would move Becky in with her if worse came to worse. Our mother would NEVER have done that for us if we were in the same situation and of course, Dad would have gone right along with her decision.

Tom and I will still likely leave California someday to live in Florida. I won’t be able to help out all the time because of my CRD, but I’ll certainly do my best with things like cleaning since I don’t drive and I’m not much of a cook. It’s a lot cheaper there, and I can see where condos like what our parents had would be much quieter being on slab foundations with cement walls built to hurricane standards, whereas the elevated duplex we once lived in with elevated floors and wood walls meant you heard and felt the neighbors easily. We would still likely get a manufactured home similar to this, though, not a condo.

I’ll miss the neighbors and it’ll be a pain to get established with new doctors, but I can do that and meet new neighbors. The only thing that may be hard to give up would be Kathleen depending on what happens there, which I still think will be nothing.

When she told me Mark was going to be the shooter at the nursing home he works at, I was like, WTF? They’re going to be doing a drill on how to handle things if there were ever an active shooter. Only the local bacon department as well as the top staff know what’s going to be happening. That ought to be interesting but I would think that might be a bit traumatizing for some people as well.

There’s more I could say but I’m pretty tired tonight. I didn’t sleep much better the last time around. Hopefully, I’ll get my energy back soon because I’m missing too many days of working out. I’ll go force myself to do some Bowflexing now after sending a group “hug” to Tammy and the girls.

First, I don’t remember the dreams I had last night but I remembered a dream I had a few nights ago. In fact, I’m thinking of creating another PB account (anonymously) to share dreams as if they’re real-life events, LOL. Especially since I now have a tracker I can hide. If I share more stories, however, people will know who I am. I can’t do that anyway if I plan to publish most of them.

The dream took place at Valleyhead again. What is it with all the VH dreams lately? The only difference was that instead of a mansion we were in cabins. We were the ages we are now, though, and not young again. There were four of us per cabin. We slept in pairs on two double beds. I slept on the bed on the right on the inside by the nightstand. Not sure who my cabinmates were or why I was even there. When I spotted Tom out the window who had come to pick me up one morning, I scrambled to get dressed. Then I realized my paper journal was missing. I quickly went to look for it and then realized I had no pants on and wasn’t fully dressed after all.

The house across from Jon & Carolyn and diagonally in back of us is now on the market. Really hoping we luck out a third time like we did with Jon & Carolyn and Trisha. Please, no loud vehicles or company junkies!

We both got blood drawn this afternoon. Guessing my TSH is 10-11 based on how calm I feel. As long as I continue to feel well, I don’t give a shit what the numbers say.

I stupidly forgot my glasses. I’m farsighted and in natural daylight, I don’t see that bad looking off into the distance, but it was a bit of a struggle to sign forms. Tom did my check-in for me on the computer.

I hope I sleep a little better tonight. I’ve been sleeping well overall but not the last couple of nights. I realize the night before last was only because I was stressed over my crown falling out. The second time was because I had a nasty dream for one prone to dream premonitions.

In the dream, we kept breaking into this house and stealing food. We would do it in the evening when the homeowner wasn’t home. I guess they worked late or something. Not sure why we were stealing food since we didn’t seem to be struggling, but one time we went to steal something when we saw the place was all lit up. We decided to take a chance since the person who lived there was on the second floor. Once inside I grabbed a bag of hot dog buns and decided we should leave it at that and get out.

The passenger door of our car was closer to the house and I dove into the car quickly. Tom was walking down their sidewalk when I saw a guy pass by one of the downstairs windows. I told Tom to hurry up and just as he broke into a jog and was about to reach the car, the car began to back up out of the driveway. I reached a foot over to slam on the brakes but nothing I stepped down on would stop the car. The car, as if driven by an invisible person, turned into the street and began racing down it backward.

I woke up before it either stopped or crashed, glad that Tom never was able to get into the car. Those are classic crash-and-burn dreams. If you’ve had dream premonitions before then you would probably agree that you’d be one of the last people you’d want having these types of dreams. They’re a sure sign of trouble ahead, even though I don’t have any bad vibes or that nagging feeling we sometimes get when something’s amiss. What could I be about to “crash” into soon, though? Another round of anxiety? That’s usually what the problem is these last few years and it shouldn’t be long before my TSH does fall to uncomfortable levels and I’m going to have to start making skips.

I was telling Tom the other day that when I think back on everything I’ve gone through that was either a crisis or at least a hardship of some kind, each one gets worse. First it was wanting people/things I could never have. Then it was the freeloaders/jail. Then it was poverty. Then it was the killer anxiety that affected both my mind and body. The next thing has got to kill me for damn sure because I honestly don’t think there’s anything worse than the physical and psychological torture I experienced over the last few years. I don’t think whatever’s coming up will be that bad, though. I usually get a year or two between problems, especially the more serious and long-term ones.

I still don’t like my track record at all. The only one I had a negative dream about that turned out okay was with the vigilante girl, but her dream was a little different. In the dream, she simply told me she “had a problem.” I didn’t actually see her in a bad situation, but maybe she is now. I haven’t heard from her in a while.

Tom tried to console me by saying that nothing bad actually happened in the dream.

“But nothing bad actually happened in the riot dream or the white-out dream either.”

“But a riot is a known bad thing,” he said.

Yeah, so is a runaway car flying backward with no working brakes, and what about the 30-foot shower stall dream? I woke up before we hit the ground.

I never saw anything bad in the dreams I had pertaining to myself and several others that had bad things end up happening to them in real life; just bad things that were about to happen right before I woke up.

I still say there’s a damn good chance something unpleasant is headed my way. Whenever I’d tell almost everyone that something bad was going to happen, it did. When I say something very bad is going to happen to Tammy when she’s 62, it is. Just like when I warned Jimmy about a potential car accident, the old lady in Texas about health issues, and several others along the way. So yeah, I’ve likely got trouble ahead. Trouble I won’t be able to prevent and that I won’t see coming until it’s upon me. That’s what’s frustrating about the dream premonitions… Nothing I can do about them but have extra time to worry. I’m still going to try my best by being extra careful. I’ll check twice when crossing streets and that sort of thing.

I’m just glad Tom didn’t get a chance to get into that car, which makes me think that whatever’s coming is on me. Better me than him as most of us would say when it comes to those we love. That again, he wasn’t in the riot dream at all yet the event that happened following that nightmare definitely affected us both, so we’ll see. With me, some dream premonitions are long-term as is the case with Tammy but most are not. So I’ve probably got about 72 hours to find out what shit is about to hit my fan.

I’m too tired to work out today. I’ve been lazy for about a week now when it comes to working out. I wish I could be obsessed with working out and dieting to the point that I never miss a day, but maybe someday I’ll get sick enough of the extra weight to really do something about it and just put up with the hunger that intense dieting brings. That’s what it would take in my case. Right now I’m not worried about my weight enough to be motivated to diet religiously. I’m more concerned with stepping up the exercise to help lower my LDL score because that’s what they’re going to be testing for next in December.

Still having some sensitivity in my mouth but I’m not sure if it’s the mouthguard, the recent dental work or something else. I even woke up with a splitting headache but then I went back to sleep and it was gone when I got up the next time. I think I’ll be okay within a week and won’t have to go back until my next scheduled appointment in March.

I am a little bummed to know I’ll never really hear from Kathleen but this is far from the first time I’ll end up not hearing from someone I’d like to hear from. As I once told Stacey, things that were never meant to be don’t suddenly become meant to be in one’s 50s. The more I think about it the more I realize that yes, she’s just an incredibly friendly person that fools you into thinking you’re important and special (even someone on Yelp mentioned her making them feel like she was important) because she’s just so damn friendly, something I’m not used to because I’m so antisocial. Even if she was attracted to me or wanted to be my friend, I would have heard from her by now if she was that serious. Small talk is just small talk, and people agree to get together all the time but don’t really mean it.

So my first guess is that I’ll never hear from her. My second guess is that if by some miracle I’m surprised by hearing from her, it would probably be sometime in January. That way it’s been a while, the holiday madness is over, and it’s sort of in the middle of appointments.

But hey, look on the bright side to there being a 90something percent chance I’ll never hear from her… No having to worry about my schedule for getting together, no having to worry about her possibly screwing me over, no having to be embarrassed about her coming in here and seeing all my weird shit either.

At 1 AM last night, I was flossing my teeth with those floss sticks that help you reach in back when one of them got hung up between teeth. I tried to wiggle it this way and that to dislodge it but it was stuck big time. When it finally let go it was determined to take my new upper crown with it. I put it in a baggy so I wouldn’t lose it.

I woke him up in a panic, and when I say a panic I don’t mean anything like when my meds and or the peri was tormenting me. He was calm, supportive and empathetic as usual, and assured me it would be no big deal.

There wasn’t any bleeding and it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. I just had to be careful to avoid hot and cold, or better yet pretty much anything that could come in contact with the area. I even had to be careful how I breathed. Moving air rushing against it can also hurt, so I was careful not to suck in air in a way that would cause it to flow around the tooth.

I wasn’t worried about not being able to get in right away to have it re-cemented, I was worried about my schedule. I knew I wouldn’t be crashing anytime soon and I didn’t until around 4 AM. I awoke four hours later and lay there awake for about a half-hour or maybe a little more, and then I fell back asleep until noon.

He called them as soon as they opened and they had free time in the morning and the afternoon. Due to both our schedules, we had to go with the 4:30 appointment.

We were supposed to be at the lab at 4 o’clock but had to cancel. We rescheduled for the same time tomorrow but never received an email confirmation, so hopefully we won’t have to wait when we go tomorrow.

I’ve been hot-flashing but calm. I highly doubt my TSH is in the single digits and personally I don’t care as long as I feel good.

At 3 o’clock we took off for Walmart to pick out new glasses. I upgraded the lenses but downgraded the frames. I wanted frames that needed no separate nose pads but none of those appealed to me, so I ended up with a metallic pink wireframe that was only $9. These will also be transition/progressives but with a wider band so that the edges aren’t so blurry. Both our glasses together cost over $300. The designer frameless glasses I got the last time cost over $400 alone.

I forgot to mention that the eye doctor said my corneas are a bit thick. I guess that’s common with OH and those that could go glaucoma.

So I still have two more appointments to deal with, the lab and then to pick up the glasses. Had Ricardo, who looked too young to be the licensed optometrist his name tag said he was, taken just five more minutes I would have been late for the dentist. I’m sure she would have waited, though.

Definitely had mixed emotions about seeing tall, willowy blonde Kathleen, LOL. She said, “Hi Jodi,” when we came in, and I told her what happened. She said she’s lost crowns before, too.

She looked fabulous today. I don’t remember what she was wearing. She stayed behind the desk the whole time and I really didn’t pay attention, but I did notice her beautiful necklace and how nice her longish, straight blond hair looked. Most noticeable was her bright blue eyes. She just needs to gain weight.

Kristi came and got me and asked where my bedazzled fashions were. Well, at least I had a bedazzling bracelet, and both she and the doctor loved my rat shirt.

The doctor was not only so nice but funny when she first came in after Kristi cleaned the crown. I told her I was never going to floss again in my life, haha, and she goes, “It’s nice to know you’ve been flossing.”

She’s such a sweetheart and I really appreciate her getting me in so fast. It will be a sad day when she retires. It only took five minutes. She asked if I wanted to get numb and I decided I would tough it out. She said I would only feel discomfort for a few seconds as that was a major tooth but by the time I decided I may want to get numb, it would be over. This was true. After the area was prepped and dried, I kind of moaned as she was reseating the thing, and she said, “I know, I know,” with much empathy. Not only was she hitting nerves, but she had to put a lot of pressure on it to make sure it was pressed in tightly. Then they cured the hell out of it to make sure it would stay put for a good long time.

So it’s nice to have my tooth back and to know I can count on her to glue me back together when I come unglued. :-) I just dread the day one of my full crowns lets go, especially the bridge because that would be two stumps exposed. To make crowns they grind your teeth down to little stubs.

I told her about the soreness I’ve been having and that I had decided to give it a week to see if it improved before the crown popped out. What’s weird is that I still have some sensitivity on the bottom front center where no work has been done. I wonder if it’s just soreness from all the work that has been done on me since nerves run all along that area, or if it could be the mouthguard. My TMJ has been much better, but I might have to get the guard adjusted. I didn’t know those things were adjustable, but since they took molds before I was crowned, it might need some tweaking, she told me. I’ll give it some time, though. She’s a sweetie and I adore Kathleen, but I would really rather not return until my March checkup.

I had a dream that I was at the dentist’s house for some kind of experiment on anxiety. I know I had other unrelated dreams, but I was too tired to take notes so I don’t remember them.

I saw the rest of the crew briefly except for Holly. The doctor said to Kathleen as I was leaving, “Isn’t her shirt so cute?” Then she went back to see other patients.

This was when I complimented Kathleen on her lovely appearance and she said something about it being nice to see me. I then said, “Well, hopefully I won’t have to see you for a long time… At least not here.”

In response to that, she said something like, “Oh, yeah,” or “Right, yeah.”

Then I went out into the waiting room. By then Tom was the only one there. When we arrived there were a few others. I told him I toughed it out without going numb, and Kathleen said something about me being brave and for Tom to treat me to dinner. I was definitely hungry too, because I had been afraid to eat. We got burgers and fries to the sound of blasting country music. So annoying, just like California’s slow drivers. The food was good, though. A little salty on the fries, but still good even if I couldn’t finish my burger or the fries. I was still a bit sore.

The KFC we went to the other day was surprising because there was no music at all playing.

Anyway, I’m not stupid. I know Kathleen’s not going to Facebook me. If she was interested she would have done so by now. You know the rules for me… No connecting with anyone really nice, really good looking or both. But yeah, I don’t see why she wouldn’t have Facebooked me and maybe even bought my books if she was that interested in being friends with me.

I started to think, watch. She’ll call to see how I’m doing in the morning while I’m sound asleep. But nah. I don’t think she will. So I’ll see her again in March as long as there are no other blowouts along the way.

Was losing the crown my punishment for befriending Kim under false pretenses? No worries if it was because the game’s already over. Yeah, Aly made me… again. That’s no doubt what she wanted to talk to Kim about.

I don’t get it, though. I just don’t get it. I went over and over the appearance of my account as well as what I tweeted and I just don’t see how she could have made me. She’s got to have hacked in somehow without Twitter notifying me that an unrecognized browser logged into that account. Then she would have had to figure out that the email associated with that account belonged to me. How she managed to do all this is beyond me but she had to have. There’s no other way. No one’s that good with people unless they’re unbelievably psychic.

So she and Kim both blocked me and she tweeted that she won’t be fooled again, and also:
There are fascination and curiosity and then there’s obsession. If you can’t tell the difference between the two then it’s already too late.

Too late for what?

We both went for eye exams today. This is the third time we saw the same doctor, Kristi G. She has the same fat black but pleasant assistant, too.

Tom still has a faint trace of a cataract growing and my OH is borderline. She did an extra field vision test on me and I haven’t lost any vision on the edges, so I don’t officially have glaucoma. She thinks it’s likely that my OH will remain the same all my life but we’ll keep a watch on it every year.

There wasn’t much change in my vision but I’m still going to get new glasses because every two years our insurance pays for new frames and I like variety. I’m going to go with the same thing… transition progressive lenses. Instead of going with designer frameless frames, I’ll probably get more colorful frames with no nose pads. We’ll pick them up tomorrow after we go to the lab.

After the eye doctor, we went to KFC. I got chicken and he got a chili dog. As soon as I sipped my cold raspberry tea I got a killer toothache that needed ibuprofen. It was a very strong and steady pain. The thing is that it wasn’t even where she was working, and sometimes the pain seemed to move. I thought it felt like it did start on the upper tooth she worked on, then moved to the lower back tooth she also worked on, and then finally settled in the front where she didn’t work at all. I don’t get why I still have this. Last night I woke up to pee and the pain was so bad in this area that I had to take ibuprofen. It seems that the longest I suffered after having dental work done was two weeks. Tomorrow will make one week, so if I’m not better by the 24th, I’ll call Kathleen, even though I would rather not see her until March if I’m not surprised by hearing from her before then.

I was really disappointed to see that not only do my books not have any reviews but Beneath the Smile hasn’t sold any copies yet. But then I noticed someone started a copy through KU and KOLL which I enrolled in. With this, your royalties are based on how many pages of the book the person reads. So far they’ve read 18 pages. It’s kind of cool to see their reading progress along the way.

Still not sure if I’m going to submit anything else for publication until after NaNo at the end of the year.

You know how random thoughts of the past sometimes pop into mind? Sometimes it’s something negative, sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it just is. I was telling someone how the poorest of the poor in the US still live in luxury compared to those in third-world countries. Then I added, “And M Dorm really was the Princess Dorm,” as those in Estrella Jail called its dorm for “seggies.” It was fairly new at the time and devoid of writing on the cell walls.

In the midst of cold showers, horrible food, nightmarish mattresses, no sleep, some inmates wanting to get down my pants (including a few guards), a few hotties in uniform, and a lot of homesickness, came the writing on the ceiling. LOL, my favorite cell, if you could call it that for someone who had no choice but to be there at the time, was on the end of the upper tier in the Princess Dorm. One time I was on the top bunk and if you sat upright you could reach the ceiling, even with arms as short as mine.

Not even jail derailed me from my journal. I would order notepads through the commissary, write a few pages at a time, and send them home to Tom. I later typed them up once I was released. Because I had to do everything longhand, my thoughts would sometimes be a lot faster than my hand in which case I took notes on the ceiling just above my head, haha. Laughing, I said to Tom the other day, “I wonder if they’re still there.” I doubt it, though. After 18 years I would think that it would get to be such an eyesore even for the guards that they would have been repainted by now.

During one of the times they shuffled us around, I was in another cell before I returned to that cell, only this time I was on the bottom bunk. I got a kick out of phony Mary above me reading them and trying to make sense of what they could possibly mean before I finally spilled the beans and told her I was the one who wrote them.

Kim and I have become “friends” and I have mixed emotions about that. I suppose karma is going to get me for it sooner or later (unless I’m Kim’s karma), and that I’m just as bad as she is by pretending to be someone else; this Krista S, while she lets me believe she’s this gorgeous guy. The question is what to do about it. Should I keep going as is? Ghost her? Tell her who I am?

And just why am I doing this? Oh, I guess just because I can. I’m curious to see how long I can keep it going, and maybe I hope to get a little information too, at some point. I’m curious to see what I can find out about myself, be it bullshit or not. It’s too soon, though, to be bringing up people we’ve dealt with online and subjects that may get her talking about me. Maybe Krista can eventually tell Kim that Jodi’s asking about her, LOL.

Her younger sister Tracy died last month unexpectedly at age 34. I don’t know why, though. All I know is that she was just as fucked up as Kim. Aly said the whole family was except for her older sister Carol. The karate instructor who dumped her husband for a woman.

My fourth book has been released on Amazon! The book is heavy with sexual content. Before she dumped me, Aly inspired the BDSM theme in it, so it is rather explicit in some ways.

When Tom read it he surprised me by telling me he thought it was one of my best stories but at the same time, it was hard to read because of Tesla’s suffering. As a suspense writer, I definitely gotta pump up the drama. He said he found it to be a more complex plot than I usually do. I’m surprised because I really didn’t think he would like this one. I wasn’t so sure myself that I even hesitated to publish it at first. But then I realized that what’s good and what’s not is a subjective thing.

For a split second - just a split second - I almost wished my parents were here to share this with. You know, the mother that threw me into the state’s hands because I was too weird and too hyper and then told people I attacked her with a knife to cover her actions? The weapon changed along the way, of course. Sometimes it was a knife, other times it was a hammer. Believe me, had I attacked her I would admit it right here, right now because there’s no way anyone could use it against me at this point. Any destructiveness I did engage in was against myself.

Sadly, my mother got sick of having children around the same as a four-year-old might get sick of their old doll. But in the ‘50s and ‘60s, you had kids whether you wanted them or not. It was much easier for her to tell this bullshit story to people rather than have to listen to them say, “What! How could you give up on your own daughter and give her up to the state just because the professionals said she had problems, which by the way, you’re the root cause of?” In her mind, this was a great way to justify making the house kid-free, since the others were already on their own.

Even if they were still alive, though, my father would be happy for me but my mother likely wouldn’t care, if she wasn’t jealous. Unless it was something she was into herself or was able to do as well, she usually wasn’t interested. Now, if I sold decorative flags, then she would be plenty interested because she did the same thing and that way there would be no “competition” being something she could personally relate to. It truly seemed that other than with my ASL, having a daughter who knew more things than she did was nothing to be proud of. No, it was something to be embarrassed by and jealous of.

Anyway, onto more pleasant subjects that don’t include toxic people, dead or alive. I used a random city name picker to select locations in the stories I’m doing for NaNo, and the damn thing landed smack dab on Sacramento. Tom was laughing his ass off over that one. I’ve done enough on the home front, though. Stepping into Psycho will be in Columbus, Ohio, and Roomies will be in Raleigh, North Carolina.

Brown-black hair on me is better than gray, but I still think this is a bit dark for me and a little witchy-looking. I don’t want to go back to traditional dyes so we researched other forms of hair coloring, and I think I might eventually try this henna-based solution so I can have light-medium brown. It’s a pain in the ass to use but doesn’t have any ammonia or peroxide in it, so it shouldn’t damage the hair.

There are some houses for sale here that are going for 164K. I went to a site that tells you the current value of your home and was told this place is worth a little over 100K. I don’t think so, though.

What I don’t get is… how blind can the park manager be? The kid in the loud car is back to zooming in and out several times a day, and I swear I saw their mutt running loose down the end of the street. How can they not know what’s going on with these people? I honestly can’t believe no one else has complained. Makes me think they’re affiliated with the park somehow and that they might work here.

Couldn’t get into Mindbender, so I’m just watching movies now on Netflix.

The weather has been in the low 80s. We went to Vintage & More where people sell things they no longer want or that they’ve made. There are so many things to look at in that store. Tons of dolls, knickknacks, jewelry and more. Despite the many goodies there I only walked out with a dazzling 4-dollar “diamond” bracelet. It’s so bright and flashy that it almost makes my rapidly aging skin that’s bedecked with age spots and wrinkles seem darker than it is.

“Krista S.” set up a bogus Twitter account last night and befriended Kim. Didn’t take long at all. Sure enough, she didn’t correct me and say it wasn’t her when I said she was such a handsome guy. rolls eyes I don’t know who that is in her profile picture but it’s definitely not her.

Kim followed me back and then I started following Aly but I haven’t tweeted, hearted or RT’d any of her tweets yet.

I noticed she tweeted to Kim that she really needs to talk to her about something important. My first thought was that she somehow knows I’m Krista, but if she did, couldn’t she have just sent her a DM? Well, I’ll find out soon. If Aly suspects me she’ll tell Kim who will block me.